If your goal is to have a child and be a stay-at-home mom, you don’t marry a 27 y.o. guy who has never supported himself. Now he’s supposed to support 3 people? Not realistic.
yes i helped my son when he married young as he had difficult mental health issues ( after big surgery). he married at 23 and i still help him financially so i havent been able to retire. ive told him that it stops when he is 40 ( 2 more years). I do it for his wife and children....subsidising their rent.
He lived at home until he was 27! A woman closer to his age might have seen the problem with this. She was barely out of her teens when she married him.
I will say as a Christian man, it’s even worse that he’s in ministry and doesn’t work. 1 Timothy 5:8 commands that if the man doesn’t work hard and provide, he is worse than the unbeliever
@@deboracopeland4795no there’s many scriptures describing how much worse it is to be a lukewarm believer or someone to proclaims Jesus but doesn’t live it. It’s very humbling to read those passages. Anyone who is arrogant in their Christianity has not studied them.
@@deboracopeland4795nah, you guys will see the truth too. I’m not better than you, God just reveals in stages. I look at an atheist and I see a future brother/sister. I say this because God said EVERY knee will bow and EVERY tongue will swear allegiance to Me. Christians skip over that one sometimes. So, nothing but love for you
@@jamesearl389That's one of the most powerful scriptures to many christians. However when the Bible says every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is lord, this is after Jesus returns so it will be too late for many people at that point therefore they won't be our brothers and sisters but they will still know the truth
That part. She knew she wanted to be a SAHM, so she should have married a man with the ability to do so. This is like needing a pick up truck but buying a mini Cooper. I can't be mad at the mini Cooper for not being a pick up truck. She married a non provider. Why is she mad that he isn't providing?
just a suggestion: don't allow your daughter to "vent" her frustration to you. Gently say to her, "there's nothing we can do and I'm so sorry. But you need to talk with your husband". If you allow her to vent to you, she's able to discharge her hurt and frustration, and you're the one walking around sick. Love her, but don't allow her to give it to you. she needs to feel it long enough and hard enough, so that she can face the truth, and and then talk with her hubby.
Your daughter doesn’t get to be a SAHM if her husband can’t solely provide for her and their child and save for their future 🤷🏼♀️ that’s just that on that. He either gets a better job or she has to work. Period.
We really need to start holding people accountable for their actions. Why would you have a child with someone that only works part time? Their finances were probably a mess before the baby.
And she's calling talking about the way he was raised. What does it say about the way they raised *their* daughter they she'd marry a man who didn't work full time?
This is part of the mother’s fault. As moms, we need to teach our daughters that they need to consider the life they want to live when picking a husband. It’s not just about loving someone and hoping they will change and give you what you want. She knew who he was before they got married and had a child.
Women don't generally get to pick their husbands. Men pick the women they want to marry. She was just stupid enough to do it. At only 22 years, she definitely had more time to explore.
Yes. We have to install the proper vetting criteria into our daughters at a very young age. I think cardi b said it best, broke boys don't deserve no 🐈
Your daughter married the wrong guy to be a stay at home mom. She needs to run to the work force. And your job is to mind your own business. The one bit of advice I'd give her is not to make a bunch of babies with this guy or they will be overwhelmed and in poverty.
She needs her mom to help her by providing childcare. Get her in work, back on her feet so she can leave this deadbeat if that's what she wants to do. Definitely no more babies.
If no one discouraged her from marrying and having a baby with him, that’s a shame. Daughter needs to step into reality. Forget a “dream of being a sahm,” get a job and provide for your child. And don’t get knocked up again.
People always say “I would die for my kids! “But… they won’t get a job for their kids. They won’t save money for their kids or plan for their future or be financially responsible. Before you thought about “staying home”, you should’ve thought about how you would pay for the family you started.
When I was CAREFULLY picking a husband, his ability and willingness to work was something I took a look at. As a result, I got to be a stay at home mom.
Good for you! My wife and I are in our early 30s. We have 4 little boys and my wife gets to stay home and raise them full time. And because we planned this before baby #1 even arrived, I was able to build an income that dwarfs most modern couple's combined incomes. But it just took some actual planning and talking things over in advance, not trudging through life until we're forced to make decisions.
Me too. The number one reason I didn’t marry a previous boyfriend who really tried hard to convince me to was that I wasn’t convinced he could hold a job long term. Someone close to me had similar reservations about her husband before marriage but her mom’s advice was “if you love him that’s what matters.” It’s been a disaster. I’m way too pragmatic for that.
My dad always said, "This is your house. It always will be. You can come home anytime." That knowledge of having a safe landing place, helped me leave a dangerous situation, and get to a place of safety and provision.
If he truly was in ministry he would know I Timothy 5:8: “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
I was married to this lady’s son in law for 25 years. I’m a nurse and was the breadwinner and fortunately able to make ends meet with his salary as well. He always worked but never had any ambition whatsoever. Young ladies… choose wisely. Think about what you want for your future family BEFORE marriage. He’s 30 and wants his 22 year old wife to be the head of household. NO WAY.
This hits home because I was that guy at one point. We weren’t married with a kid yet, but my girlfriend (now wife) told me pretty directly that I needed to get my act together and get a job or she was moving on with her life. I wound up getting the highest paying job I’d ever had a week later, and it was 100% because of that ultimatum. After two years, it was her who told me to leave that job because she thought I could do even better. This guy should know, you can go from bum to pretty darn successful in two years. You can go from being on the verge of being left to very respected in your field pretty quick
Agree. Did the same with my husband twice. Works all the time. I meant it, too. Sometimes, when we talk, he tells me that he doesn't think he would have ever reached the state he is now had I never encouraged him to do better.
Thank you for sharing! Great job making the necessary changes and sacrifices to change the future for your family! This man is fully capable of changing and becoming a great breadwinner for his family. We all have the capacity to rise up to meet the challenges of life and succeed.
@@JudePi-jx7yoThat is the strategy. Trick a naive teenager into paying your bills and when she gets knocked up, mooch off her parents until they die. Continue to live like a high school kid, barely work, and pretend to be a man of God in front of everyone else in town.
@@JudePi-jx7yo no but she was 19 hardworking when they met. She saw he was nice and knew she would be more forgiving than women his age. Shes was more likely to see the potential. Now obviously she's an adult but a naive teenager too. But now she's grown and she has to look back and see that
🎯. He prob married her hoping she’ll stay infatuated with him and now that it’s wearing off will start isolating her from her parents and their common sense. He’s waiting on her to go back to work.
I eye rolled and said out loud “oh my word” when she said he’s in ministry. My husband feels called to ministry too but your FAMILY is your first ministry!!! Right now my husband even turned down a leadership program because he’s literally working 3 jobs so we can get out of debt first
She is 22 and he is 30, of course he isnt going to be a provider. He was looking for a young wife because he is a man child and no woman his age would put up with him.
Maya Angelou once said " when somebody shows you who they are,believe them the first time!" The wife already knew what kind of man she married,but she preferred to chase the fantasy of what she wanted him to be! By having a baby all she did was add more people for her to support,and instead of being a SAHM she will be the main breadwinner.
My wife’s sister married the same type of guy. It’s sad. My MIL hates it and tries to help/fix it. At some point you have to let adults deal with adult mistakes. Otherwise nothing will change.
Before I pay my married daughter’s bills, I’m having a conversation with her husband first. I want him to explain to me “why am I providing for your family”? He may have additional information that’s not being communicated by my daughter and I want him to accept responsibility & accountability for his role as her husband.
I was once the financial secretary for our church, and, trust me, in most smaller congregations pastors don’t make much money. She had to know that before she married him and had a kid.
She thought God would provide. And it looks like that happened. Likely, the man has a ministry where he games with the youth, because he is connecting with today's youth. I bet the gaming screen at the church is big! But the parking is a wreck, and the bathrooms clog.
There’s a difference between “not much money” and “can’t afford basic living expenses.” This guy is a clown and is using the ministry as an excuse to be lazy.
Agree. There are jobs everywhere. I live in northern Wisconsin and we have stores that have been closed days because of no staff. It's pretty wild. I am an RN and the work is unlimited. I made 150K in 2023 (with a ton of OT) because we so short staffed.
Yeah I'm in Portland, OR.I went out the other night for drinks and the restaurant was closing at 8:00 p.m. And I was like what the heck is going on. Why is a bar closing at 8:00 p.m. And they said it was staffing issues. I'm guessing people are making all their money online now?@@drn13355
@@drn13355 hell yea brother. My wife is a RN and I’m going back to school to join her. Once everything is paid off we’re going to just work 2 days a week and enjoy the rest of our lives coasting into retirement at the ages of 32 and 26
When I was younger and was considering suitors, one of the characteristics I watched out for is for a man willing to work ANY job to provide for his family. I have my own career and grew up comfortable. However, I have a very hard-working father, and I honestly dont think I can respect a man who can afford to be choosy while letting his family suffer. My husband is kind, faithful and more importantly, he is conscientious with money management. We both live below our means and save a good portion of our wages. But before that, we had to work jobs that were demanding and grueling. We both put in the work while striving for career growth. I love my husband but more importantly, I respect him.
“ANY JOB” is key here. Some people will stay unemployed for 6 months because they have too much pride to work at McDonald’s while looking for something better.
@@stephaniej.stanley2141 yes! I asked my husband then boyfriend, point blank. What if his chosen career is not hiring? Would he be willing to be work any job? He answered that his dad was a civil engineer and when their company closed during a recession, he worked any job. Even making and selling sweets just so they would survive and taking on other odd jobs and short contracts for his engineering job. They survived. He was eventually re employed full time as a civil engineer but it left a great impression to my husband. That a real man provides no matter the circumstances.
@@stephaniej.stanley2141 Working any job isn't always the answer. Certainly is in the case of caller but a professional doesn't start cleaing a church and expect to get back in the game.
@@stephaniej.stanley2141 Working any job can limit your ability to network, train, and apply to better positions. Hard working doesn't automatically equate with financial success. Because you can work really hard at McDonalds and be worse off, than collecting unemployment (which usually comes and unemployment insurance from past unemployment you pay into).
@@JudePi-jx7yo she did say that you can take up any job while looking for something better. I knew someone who was working as a caregiver while trying to get his medical doctor license transferred here in NZ after mjgrating.
The wife’s story is my own. Sadly, he will never change. Some men stay unemployable. Because there is a child, she won’t do anything about this, and he knows that. I found no solution for my situation except to soldier on and do what it takes to bring up a decent child. She (and her baby) got played by an unemployable man.
Maybe him being 27 and never having a job or moving out of his parents house could have been a sign. I don’t understand how someone gets played for years when it doesn’t sound like he’s had a job or income their entire relationship.
@@jason_m5275 Exactly..why does everyone want to blame the other person when it was THEM who made the dang choice to be with that person. What he does or doesn't do does not negate her choice. Now she has to make the choice to stay (and shut up) or do something else for her and her child. As it's her parents calling, she isn't totally on her own.
@@Duhclay if there’re not taking traditional roles it’s even more important because they both chose to have a child they both will need to provide for. They can’t abdicate that responsibility.
@@allinlen That's what being a sole provider means. He didn't have to do that, but then he shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place. When you agree to take on responsibilities, you can't whine when people hold you to them.
Where was she when her 19 year old daughter was dating a 27 year old louse? Probably telling her he's christian and pure and that's great and he will grow.
If they are financially struggling, give them advice but it’s ultimately up to them to solve their financial problems. If they are struggling financially, the husband needs another job and the wife cannot be a SAHM, she need to get a job too.
Ugh her daughter married a BUM! I was 21 and was marrying a 30yo like this dude. My dad told me, “you have so many goals and dreams, you’re marrying a 30yo man…this IS WHO HE IS…he Is not going to change or grow with you.” Dad was 1000% right. I should have listened, it would have saved me a divorce. Fortunately, we did not have kids. This girl needs to RUN FOR HER LIFE! She has so much growing to do. She is going to support herself and this child alone anyways. Mine as well not support a grown ass man too. Cut the loses and divorce him.
Your comment is seriously underrated. It’s 100% true. Spot on. I was in the same position and we both know how this is going to end for this young lady and her child.
A man has no business being "in ministry" if he cannot - or refuses to - provide for his wife and children. Even heathens provide for their households! This woman's daughter should be taking this up with the pastors and elders at their church. Paul Washer and Voddie Baucham would have some strong words for him, I can tell you that.
Well said - I wonder if his pastor or other colleagues in the church are holding him accountable for this? Sounds crazy to allow someone to "minister" to people aka give advice and guidance when their own household is in dissaray.
reminds me of some of my extended family members: one of them has a PhD in Theology and has not worked a full time job in at least 20 years, has 9 kids, and lives almost entirely off government assistance, then uses “god has called me to ministry tho” as the excuse. it’s shameful & a terrible testimony. the damage done by lazy men like this is immeasurable
I would give hubby 2 weeks to sort it out or get out of my life. Extreme? Maybe, but nothing makes a wife more resentful than a man who does not provide.
Kind of a false premise though, because someone who would give 2 weeks notice to sort it out probably wouldn't be in a relationship with such a man to begin with.
@Sam11747 Well sometimes love can make an idiot out of anybody. I would personally could never date a lazy person but to each is own. My father would have judged a man so badly if he would not work.
My daughter had a boyfriend who didn't even provide for himself. He only got himself short jobs so he got some pocket money. She thought a child would make him take more responsibility. It didn't happen. He barely could take care of their daughter while she was at work. He was basically just a parasite. She eventually left him in the apartment, and then he had to face reality by himself. There was a lot of drama around their separation, so my ex and I had to summon on how our two families together could support and practically help our daughter. She has now found a new boyfriend who is hard working and caring, and they are building their future.
When my daughter was 17 21:55 and still in hs, she was dating a young man who had graduated from hs the previous year. He had no serious plans for college or a career, but was a newspaper distributor. The two of them thought they were in love. Not much discussion between them of their vision of their future. She's a smart and fairly pragmatic. She planned a gap year, then college, hoped for a career she would like, and a family. During Christmas, the boyfriend bought a ring, and proposed, in front of his family and the Christmas tree. She was not expecting it, but excited he had proposed, Christmas was romantic, but she was not really prepared for such a big step, even tho' she loved him. , She felt the pressure ( and the pleasure), and didn't want to embarasss him in front of his family, so she accepted. During the holidays, they came to see me ( I was divorced from her father and single at the time), to announce their engagement. I wasnt in favor of the idea at all, although he was a nice guy who treated her well. I was not in favor of the plan,, but kept my head and was kind about the news. I asked him where they wood live. He said he planned to buy a light house, fix it up, and live there. There was not much left to discuss. My daughter was practical enough to see the huge holes in that plan. She gave the ring back within a week. About a year later, she had another serious boyfriend. Her father and I loved this young man because he was very good to my daughter. And because he had such a good heart. When it was time for college, they decided to go to the same school, and live together. My husband and I weren't pleased, partly because we would be paying for college for her, but he had no resources to pay for his own, a no plans on how he would be able to do so. She refused to discuss details with us, and was FURIOUS when we brought it up. It became clear to us that whatever we provided would probably be split between them. Her bf was a philosophy major, an excellent student. He had dropped out of college for a year, because he couldn't afford the pricey private college he attended, and didn't want to get a job or loans. My husband and I were very against the arrangement she proposed, we couldn't afford to support both of them. We proposed that they each live at home and attend 2 years of community College. If he worked while attending school, he could afford to go to school. If she got her first two years finished at community College, she could save some money, while getting 2 years of college under her belt. If she really insisted an attending school together, they could do that in couple of years. She was absolutely furious at us, and refused to even discuss it. They both enrolled in college at her first choice. She took out loans for school, and still refused to discuss it. She finished school and graduated with excellent grades and an internship for a year. Meanwhile, the bf didn't finish college, but they stayed together. He proposed and she accepted. After graduation, she got a great job at a big international advertising agencies in NYC. She became an assistant producer making TV commercials. They got married and moved to NYC. He got a job right away, although it didn't pay much, he considered it a starter job while he looked for better jobs. Unfortunately, not a big market for philosophers. Much less with good pay., and no PHD. She liked her job, started being recognized and rose in responsibilities and pay I. Meanwhile, during that first two years,her husband made a couple of job changes to other low paying jobs. Finally found that her really liked a landscaping job, but had no interest in rising through the ranks. He just liked the manual labor. My daughter finally realized that although they loved each other in many ways, he had no ambition. She knew would never be able to have a family, unless she was the one to support the family. This was not their original plan. After hard discussions, they divorced, but are still friends. I believe, had she not had that first engagement. She might not have been able to recognize that somebody needs to pay for the dreams. Eventually, she met her match with a guy who has done well at his profession, and has the same vision of children, and a stay at home mother. They have 2 beautiful children she has been at home for during school ages, and the 4 of them are happy.
Let them struggle. If you raised your kid right, there'll be a point where she jerks the chain. And he's going to have to listen or go. I did this with my partner, he wanted to wait for the right job. An understandable sentiment, not a realistic one. That's when I pulled on him. I told him that I wouldn't marry someone who wasn't willing to take a job, even if it was minimum wage. Wasn't a hard discussion for us, thankfully, he just didn't know it bugged me that much, a month later, he was working a part time gig and he and I were sharing the weight of bills and the like. It'll take a struggle, but a good hard worker will lose patience and make the partner pull as well, in the end.
@@slickback_was_taken PREACH! People, especially many Evangelicals, have a "poverty gospel" mindset. Like they're more holy for being broke. HARD PASS.
I love John's response here! Its upsetting to see a family member with bills and a newborn they cannot afford. And the caller has to listen and see all the fear up close but ultimately can't do anything. We all just want to fix problems for people we love and where do you draw the boundaries? She can be honest, supportive, and have boundaries and thats what i love about John Delony's advise. I pray her daughter and son in law figure out how to step up and balance with their newborn.
My mother-in-law gave me a safe space to talk about “her son” and ask advice, vent, giggle about men, and all the things. I never had to bring those things into my parents’ home. She explained that she would always love her son, but she knew men did stupid things. What an amazing gift!
So At 30 , this father/ husband feels perfectly satisfied having in laws pay bills while he games…. Perfectly oblivious to his wife’s struggle…. The daughter needs to hear this. If she has to get a job to take care of the family and NOT do her job of raising her child, she might as well be without her husband. His job is to provide. Her job is to raise the children. Pick your partners wisely.
No, women joined the workforce decades ago and drove wages down...this is the fault of feminists. The majority of families have to have 2 people working. "Dr. John" is a simp wimp who caters to women. He's a 🤡 and rarely offers helpful advice.
I think the mother said that the daughter manages all the bills etc. maybe that is part of the problem he never sees where they are running short. I don't agree that it is her "job" to raise the child it should be both of their goals to do that in a flexible manner. They need to talk about what they want in this relationship.
Women get off and are attracted to red flags. Like flies on cow manure. So they reject dozens of hard working men and mate with bums. That is the norm for many decades and reason the usa leads the world in percentage of single moms.
I was married to someone like this for 25 years. I was the breadwinner and did everything at home. The last three years he made $10,000 a year and he finally left me because I complained too much. 😂. I hope this young lady learns more quickly than I did.
@@lmiller1413 he’s had a bunch of different jobs so I guess he’s cobbled enough together plus the $80,000 I gave him. His car was repossessed, according to my daughter. I haven’t spoken to him since he left in June 2020
I was married to a guy like this. I worked part time after my son was born but i eventually had to go back to work full time and put my son in daycare. It broke my heart and i ended up divorcing my husband 2 years later. 16 years later he's still struggling to pay his bills, but no longer my problem
Being in ministry is no excuse . My brother is a pastor AND on the side he’s an interpreter working from home for the court . He’s always busy but provides for his family .
Daughter has a degree. She is going to work and daddy is staying home. That happens alot now because more women go to college. If he has no degree he won't be making money. Restaurants and stores don't pay much.
I thought that. My parents taught me to be self sufficient. I am. I’ve worked to achieve great qualifications and a very employable. Unfortunately because of that I married a man I loved. Great yes? No. I became my family’s credit card. I was no longer the wife or the mother. I just kept going to work. I was run down and destroyed. I left him and things are tough but I’m still self sufficient and I know I’ll work my way up to where I need to be again. If I had my time over I would look closer at what he could provide in return and be lead by his actions not his promises.
@@fionamerrin422 it's not so bad if he keeps the house clean, cooks dinner, grocery shops and takes care of the kids because that is a job in itself. Problem is most men do nothing to help with the house so you end up doing everything and work.
@@extremecarpetcleaning-wvwi86 👍 that’s great too. Unfortunately, for me, when the kids were sick or there were things at school where mums are different to dads, that biological pull was just too much. And our house was never clean! Until I paid the cleaner.
I moved to Portugal a couple of years ago. Beside Catholic priest, 100% I believe of pastors have to work full-time to support their families. Most, if not all their time in the ministry is not paid or paid very little. It is volunteer of their heart. The cost of running a church, and everything that a church entails takes all if not the majority of the ties and offerings. The pastors here are very humble, hard-working, and loving human beings that care for their families and their congregations. It has been a blessing to be here.
This is one of those instances we're she needs to mind her own business and let her adult daughter figure it out and if they fail they fail that's part of being an adult. And she is blaming it all on her son in law. My guess is the daughter is just as bad as him but doesn't want to deal with it
my daughter did this twice....both the men ended up resenting her and being angry at her for wanting more from them. she is single now with two children and struggling, holding down 3 jobs (two are part time). they expected and wanted what SHE could provide to THEM. They were moochers.
This is sad and familiar. My sister married a lazy oaf. He was good the first few years. Six kids later, she is the major breadwinner at minimum wage jobs. He ‘owns’ a contracting business and picks and chooses the jobs he feels like doing. Sits around or spends time trying to make his kid a professional athlete the rest of the time. My parents have picked up the slack. Mortgage payments, taxes, utilities. His parents as well, though they’ve recently backed off. We’ve told them to stop. They won’t. My dad says ‘I won’t let my grandkids starve.’ He’s 82 now. He doesn’t care anymore. My Sister is now 42 with two grandbabies. Has been on anti-depressants for 15 years. She and her husband have no sex life. They still spend a lot of money on non-necessities (eating out, smart phones, travel). I am mostly disappointed in my dad, honestly. 😢
Reminds me of my parents. My dad wanted a traditional marriage, then once he had her saddled with 5 kids he decided he was done working. He just loafed around for over a decade bringing in ZERO money, still expecting my mom to do all the cooking/cleaning/childcare, and he tried to sabotage all her attempts at making money since women belonged at home. Make it make sense. Extended family and church bailed us out repeatedly. Honestly, it makes me mad all the enabling people did with his bad behavior.
She will wind up leaving him. He just doesn't get it. The daughter won't be a SAH mom cuz she'll not have a choice about working. This has played out a billion times.
It's crazy because if they just would have married the financially stable responsible guy in the first place they could have realized their dream of being a SAHM. Instead they go into the dating market as a single mom and get bitter because no self respecting bachelor with options wants to raise another man's child.
My husband and I got married the summer after he graduated college, and he didn't have a job for the first three months of marriage and it just about killed him. Even if I could support him one day, he would not be able sit at home and not work to take care of me and our kids. He got his first professional position 12 years ago, and has changed jobs several times, but has never been unemployed for a day since that first job, and have always been provided for.
Whew. I'm in my mid 70s. I've seen this situation play out with others throughout my life. When you're younger, the situation can be more easily handled, but as more kids arrive and become older creating more expenses, the situation deteriorates rapidly. I wish had known, as I do now, that outlooks on finances which agree produce happier marriages. I wish them well.
This is precisely why I told my daughter that if she wants to start a family, she better not marry a broke dude. She watched me kill myself working full time while doing the majority of housework and childrearing. It sucked. Most men think their job ends when they get home. A wife and mother's job never ends.
Your daughter will most likely be a single mother judging by how low quality women are today. Young men have learned from older men that marriage today is a prison sentence for men and if they want out it will cost them a bundle.
Women of today have watched our mothers be married single mothers. We see the manipulative red pilled men and many of us are choosing to be single and/or child free. If men want patriarchy on a budget, we will either stay single or be extremely wise in our choices of a partner. Thank you for helping your daughter choose wisely.❤
My sister was like the daughter. Super smart, went to college, graduated, got a great job, moved to the city, got her Master's degree.......all while dating the same guy since high school. Who lived at home and could not keep a steady job. They got married. A few years later had a baby. Husband still did not have consistent work so he became a stay at home dad. He was a stay at home dad for 3 years and then he cheated on my beautiful sister and broke her heart. Now they are divorced and she is remarried to a man who matches her academically and professionally and she is very happy. I never understood why she continued dating him and married him. So many great guys were interested in her. I learned a hard lesson from this and married a man who owned his own home, had an established career, and showed me that he could provide for me and any future children. I have been a SAHM for 10 years.
Your children's life is their life This is your daughter's choice. I hated it when my in-laws stuck their noses into our business. They made their choices and we made ours.
I was the 22 year old, 23 years ago. Waited a long time to have a child and then when I did, I suddenly saw the light and got rid. Best decision ever. It was like having two babies at once. I’m now a strong independent woman with a good money job and a happy son whom I, and everyone he meets, adores.
I think I just woke the hell up and my baby gave me the strength to want better for his life. My husband was so nasty when I was pregnant and when our son came along he didn’t provide or help me with anything. I knew I had to do it. I told him one Valentine’s Day ten years ago that I was done. He moved back in with his mum…which just proves everything! We are friends for the sake of our son, but I have greatly improved mine and my son’s life by retraining myself and am now in a well paid and stable job.
So the daughter married a guy who only worked part time on purpose 😅 So no mention of what he plans on doing before he thinks he's gonna marry my child. Hell what was the daughter thinking was gonna happen. They both sound sheltered to me.
@@philwill0123 not buying that. He lived at home scratching his balls with a part time job. Ok girl is sheltered and lives in fairy land and honestly her mom needs to point the finger at herself. I wish my daughter would. Lol. I've made my expectations clear. Lol
Here’s a concept for the caller… If their family is “struggling big time financially” then YOUR DAUGHTER is also not a hard worker. No man or woman should lay back and let their family struggle “big time financially”. Growing up in poverty is inherently traumatic.
Most likely, if she stopped being a SAHM, most of her salary would go to child care. The daughter would be financially better off being single and child-free but, she chose otherwise. The mother said that the daughter was making more than her husband before she stopped working.
You can be a hard worker and struggle. It means you’re not a smart worker. In this case you are probably right about the daughter if she’s not stepping up. Second, this depends on the situation. Assuming they’re in poverty because of poor decisions then that’s on them. You can’t just give handouts to adults expecting them to one day figure it out. I would have no problem not helping my children if they consciously choose to not do anything to change their situation. Edit: now that I re read the comment, maybe your second paragraph is about the SIL. If that’s the case then I agree if you’re talking about the parents then I disagree.
They had an agreement that she would be a stay at home mom instead of working. Since he agreed to that, it is his responsibility to provide for the family. If he is too lazy to provide for the family, she should go back to work for a bit with the understanding that it’s not forever. But it’s understandable that she hasn’t done that yet when there is an expectation he has agreed to fulfill.
She has a baby to take care of. It’s not gonna feed its little self. I had 3 kids. It is definitely a very full time job if you are providing your children with safety.
I was in this scenario. The main issue is that after a woman has a baby, she becomes less motivated to work for money for a couple years after. It is biological. The mother is supposed to put all her energy into the baby. The father is the one who should provide to allow her to do that.
This is sad but a good reminder not to marry for potential. She’s young so she probably didn’t understand how this could play out. If he’s this immature, once she starts working, she will probably become the main bread winner, primary care giver to the kid and keep the house in order while cooking…what is he good for? This is a prime example as to why so many women are opting out of marriage and children. Hopefully she’ll learn so her second marriage can be more successful
My father told me "what you see is what you get". The husband was never a worker. You have to love the person as they are, not as you wish. Sounds like the daughter loves the "potential" that will not become reality. These are questions they should have decided on prior to the baby. I bet he thought she would go back to work and then realized daycare costs money. Stop expecting men to understand childcare. Many don't. Women have got to start taking accountability.
Ministry is not a career and should not be treated as such. The idea that in the western world we put people on a pedestal to teach about God yet cant keep their home in order is insane. You want to be leader in a Church, do it for free and do it when you are of appropriate age. Personally I think it is best to have no one in a church on a payroll, and only retired men of one wife (unless widowed at some point) are qualified. The letter to Timothy in the Bible talks about who is qualified to preach and teach. It really is common sense when you get down to it.
There are absolutely some exceptions to this … but the way he is acting has nothing to do with ministry. Ministry, especially full-time is WORK! Its fulfilling but it’s not easy.
That old saying is true - women marry men hoping they change and men marry women hoping they never do. She married him hoping he'd change, because he was who he is before they got married.
Everybody loving him was the bait that got him access to a women who is legally an adult, but not enough life experience to see the shepherd is just as dangerous as the wolf. A wolf will just eat you, the shepherd will kill you by a thousand cuts over a span of years. He baby trapped her, to ensure her fidelity to him.
The least motivated people I know are young people in ministry. They work short hours, “trust God” for their finances. They have given up personal responsibility in exchange for the idea that everything will magically work out ok.
“He doesn’t love her back like she loves him.” “… you are a husband who lacks integrity and fidelity.” He is a THIRTY! year old man with a 22 year old pregnant young woman. He lives on hopes and dreams, while letting everyone else work out the reality of things.
Would be interested to know how old she was when they got together. Men like this choose young women because they’re much easier to manipulate. Dating women their own age is near impossible because they see right through them.
the women his own age probably for the most part had their lives together and already ready for kids. so he might have decided to date younger to buy himself more time before she wanted kids. she fell for his empty promises, had his kid, and now is bamboozled he can't afford to keep her at home. it's sad. the daughter is not blameless but i think he's definitely more manipulative than the caller believes
I always see this posted but no one ever states what "their own age" is. What's the time frame? Does it have to be exactly his age? Within 2 years? 5 ages? Should a 50 year old not date a 40 year old? There are plenty of women that actively seek out and date older men. Yet no one's ever hating on or shaming them. This just seems obtuse to me. Just an excuse to hate on the guy.
@@andrea6053many people who work in ministry also work other jobs. Some churches don't pay their staff a full salary because they are using the funds to upkeep the building or pay for food pantry or financially support sick ornpoor families in the congregation
@@andrea6053it's not hypocritical. Most churches can't support a full-time pastor. My father is a pastor and he's had two full time jobs for decades. That's the reality for most people in church roles
@@andrea6053 when larger churches pay full time salaries, they are considered suspect. So there is no way to win in the court of public opinion. Having spent over 30 years in music ministry, I can tell you that churches often have a mix of full and part time positions. They consider in the hiring process if an applicant has a family. This guy hired on as a single man. Now that he has a wife and child, this church isn’t automatically budgeted to make him full time. How do we know that this guy even approached them to ask for full time? He sounds lazy to me.
Being a sahm is unfortunately a luxury these days. I’m so thankful for my husband being able to provide enough for me to be able to do that. You have to be on the same page when you make that choice and work ethic to provide enough on a single income. Sounds like her daughter won’t be able to fulfill the desire to be a sahm.
I was a stay at home mom when my first child was born, when baby number 2 came along it was back to work. Life’s expensive and me working helped out a lot.
My buddy in his 30s too does not have a full time job either. He is the life of the party and relies on welfare. Great guy everyone loves him because he has time to hang out and help anyone.
One of the best calls! It is sooo difficult being in the position to defend a loved one against a choice they made themselves. It's like two contradicting things they tell you: their choice tells you, 'please don't get involved'. Their coming to you says:' please get involved'. No good position to be in.
wf4983 THE HUSBAND THE MAN IS SUPPOSE TO BE THE PROVIDER!!! SHE STAYS AT HOME WITH THE KIDS. THE MAN IS SUPPOSE TO BE THE PROVIDER!! HE NEEDS TO GET A SECOND JOB IF NEED BE.
@@ericaaubie860 oh. I talked about the position the mom is in. She really can't do a lot about her son in law providing or not. She herself can become a provider for her daughter and her grandchild. But that is not ending well when the daughter is only sometimes on board with the mother and sometimes on board with her husband. You can't defend someone against their husband if they don't become clear.
Even as a sahm, I would be afraid. I don't know how women so happily trust these men to not leave them, cheat, or whatever else they always seem to be doing. She is getting screwed either way because as a sahm, she will be losing at least a decade of income and growth in the field she got a degree in and if they end up divorced, she will have to struggle to get back into the field. It's too risky, ladies. Make sure you have income coming in even as a sahm, never depend on men to do the right thing. I'm so happy I'm child-free...this is too stressful.
You don’t sound happy at all. I’m happy. I’m a SAHM of 3 and haven’t had an income in 14 years. I never have to think about the stress you are projecting onto happily married women. My husbands income has tripled in those 14 years of being a mom and housewife partly due to me being at home vs him looking like the bitches at his work who talk about “their night” to make dinner or how they can’t finish their work because they have to pick up the kids by 5. He takes last minute travel and texts me vs having to call his wife for permission or who they can impose on (again) with the kids. The men at his employment are jealous of home cooked meals and packed lunches and the freedom he has. And the women routinely express how they wish to be at home but “can’t”. We are living the best of both worlds vs being one of those as miserable as you, simply projecting on others. ✌🏼
@rebeccamcbride1519 original comment is valid, even if it is a bit of generalizing. im genuinely glad u have had a good experience with being a sahm but my mom was a sahm too and she was physically, mentally and financially abused my entire childhood by my dad and was unable to leave for basically all the reasons OP listed. each decision a woman makes for her life is a calculated risk that can bring happiness or struggle.
@@v.anessa1451 BUT your moms poor decision making has nothing to do with being a SAHM. She made the poor decision of choosing an abusive partner. Then she decided not to stop the abuse. And even further went on to have a child or worse multiple children with him! All of this is on her. None of what I’ve stated has to do with your father. She continued the poor decision making and even compounding it by not working or even better leaving. You should be angry at your mother and definitely not follow such a shitty example of irresponsibility but again that has NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING A SAHM.
I'm kind of in the opposite situation. I worked hard for my degree (IT) got an entry level position and it has been two years. Don't make a ton of money, student loans are $1000 a month and we are just scraping by. My wife works, she's not lazy at all. She's amazing. But I am like depressed because I know she wants kids, she doesn't want to live in this rental her whole life and I can't provide that to her. I've applied to soooo many jobs but get nothing back. I just want to provide for my wife and my future family.. It's rough out there. I want to give her everything, even at the cost of my own health, at least for a few years while I'm young.
It's definitely a struggle out there. This is what I would do though... I'm 40. 1. See if you can buy a duplex or a home that will allow you to house hack. Basically, get somebody else to pay your mortgage. Look into the naca program. Zero down payment, no mortgage insurance, and closing costs. 2. Compounding interest is your friend!!!! If you invest 500 a month into a high growth fund and get the average 10% return, you will have 380k in 20 years. If you get 15%, you will have 750k. Look up aggressive growth funds (biawx is a good one). Focus on investing now, because you will be set up later. If you change your perspective, you can allow compounding interest to do the work for you. Get a decent job that allows you to work from home. Take the money you will save from paying for child care and invest it. If you sink 1500 a month into the fund, you will have 1.1 million to 2.2 million, depending on the rate of return. You could be 45 sitting on 2 million. That is enough to pay for your kid's college, buy them a starter home, and retire. If you allow that money to sit for 30 years, you will have 3.4M or 10M (15%). All this from you tucking away 1500 a month. Compounding interests is a wonderful tool that most of us don't learn about until we are forty. You could literally make yourself a millionaire by tucking away fifteen hundred a month over a long period of time. Time is your best friend.
Your willingness to get where you want to be is admirable! But health ALWAYS comes first. Without that you can not be able to ‘DO’ for your family for the long term. 💕
@The_Generalgr It's definitely a struggle out there. This is What I would do though... I am 40 now. 1. See if you can buy a duplex or a home that allow you to house hack. Basically get somebody else to pay your mortgage. Look into the naca program. Zero down payment, no mortgage insurance, and no closing costs. There are tons of other programs out there. 2. Time and Compounding interest are your bests friend. You don't actually have to make a lot of money in order to become a multi millionaire. Time and compounding interest will do the work for you. If you invest 1500 a month for the next 20 years, in an aggressive growth fund, you'll have 2.2 million dollars. 25 years will create 4.8m!!!! Look up the dave ramsey investment calculator and play with it. the s&p returns 10% percent on average. Aggressive funds can get you over 15%. If you focus on a 20 year horizon, you could have a relatively low salary now, but save a bunch, and then allow compounding interest and time to do the work for you. You'll blink and be rich by 50. I remember older people telling me when I was 20. That I should invest early, but I didn't totally understand it. I get it now. You could literally be a stay at home parent, create a side hustle, and invest all of the funds. You could Uber your way into being have almost 5 million dollars in 25 years. Please sit down and look at the math. It is totally doable.
My friend is in same sitiation going through divorce. They had 50/50 splitting bills while dating. She fought with us when we advised her againts dating a bill splitting as*h0le. She said we were too entitled and traditional. She finally learns the reality of a man who isnt interested to provide. She has twins and hates her life being a single mom now. Choose wisely, ladies ! Dont listen to the crap of society's latest toxic standard. If a man wants 50/50, run !
Eh, not necessarily. Many women date men older than them, this guys just broke. If he were a well off man/provider nobody would mention the age gap. Thats not uncommon tho, I see a lot of women dating men older than them.
What does that have to do with anything? I'm 12 years younger than my husband, I was 21 and he was 33 when we got married. We're still married 34 years and 5 kids later.
@@SAM17898usually offer hours 2 below being dull rime so no health insurance..ie Obamacare stuff..health insurance costs say 70 percent more so just hire folks for 26 to 28 hours. Lol
I have five children all married, I have taught all of them to be solution oriented. I trust and support their choice even if I do not agree, because of this I am trusted by both my child and their spouse. When any of them (spouses included) come to me for advice all three of us sit down and work through what the issue is and focus on the possible solutions. Marriage is a state of consciousness negotiation, not battling.
why did she quit her job when he didn’t make enough? staying at home is a privilege. it’s a math problem. if she looked at the bills and saw that he didn’t make enough it’s her fault as well. u can’t quit ur job and when the bills aren’t paid blame him
Exactly. He doesn’t make enough money to support a family alone yet they make a child, and then she just stops working like a little princess, and tells him he’s a lazy loser for not making more money and not working 60 hours a week. Well princess, you don’t get to be a stay at home mom, get back to work!
I also don't get it. it is not a thing here in Portugal. And the ammount of people saying that she sould have chosen a better man for that purpose...what? Is using people the new thing?
@@carolinarochapinto8552daughter wanted to be a stay at home mom and for that to happen, she needed to choose a partner that could support their family on one income.
@@carolinarochapinto8552 In the US it is- women no longer want to work so they have to marry a man who will provide a certain lifestyle, then once they are SAHM's they continue to complain that they want more.
@@carolinarochapinto8552 You're missing a point. If she wanted to be a sahm, she should have chosen someone else or wait for her boyfriend to change BEFORE marriage. Yes, you should judge your partner's character and behavior before marrying them. And if their character and behavior doesn't suit your expectations or plans, you should look for someone else, instead of being unhappy with your first choice.
I actually hated that bit.. cheating is cheating. Its not.. oh he/she plays to much golf or is lazy. Cheating is stepping out on your significant other with another person. No need to expand it. That other stuff when done to an extreme degree to the point that it causes issues in the marriage is called negligence.
If your goal is to have a child and be a stay-at-home mom, you don’t marry a 27 y.o. guy who has never supported himself. Now he’s supposed to support 3 people? Not realistic.
He’s not 27 anymore he’s older
Straight up. Where were these parents when she started dating him?
That's the root of the whole problem! I agree
Yep
@@Jane5720 but he's still never supported himself, he's always had a woman looking after him
As sad as it sounds, the parents need to simply let them struggle. They won’t figure it out until they feel the heat.
Yep it will be an expensive lesson but they could have taught their daughter better 12 years ago 😅
Yup. All grandma is gonna do is put her grandchild in a broken home because she doesn't want to mind her own business. Grandma needs to get a hobby.
Yup
@@harthart7529 Grandma is breaking the home?
The son in law is out the door no matter what grandma does. Work ethic isn't something you can buy online, he's out.
Her daughter made a choice. Step back and let them struggle. Struggling makes people better. Handouts make things worse.
yes i helped my son when he married young as he had difficult mental health issues ( after big surgery). he married at 23 and i still help him financially so i havent been able to retire. ive told him that it stops when he is 40 ( 2 more years). I do it for his wife and children....subsidising their rent.
Yup it’s why society will collapse soon, a lot of lazy kids and parents making their lives too easy.
Noooooo o-o not my child
@@castlequay2327Wow! How old are you now?
@@castlequay2327you’re better than me. I would have cut him off at 30
She picked a man's promised potential and not who he really is.
**** promised potential *** meaning his mouth cut a check his actions won't cash
💯
Bs! It doesn't even look like he had any promised potential😂😂😂
He lived at home until he was 27! A woman closer to his age might have seen the problem with this. She was barely out of her teens when she married him.
@@phoebeintheforest Exactly. Guy was a loser. They rasised a daughter who marries losers.
Problem is: at this point in life he should have something to show for his efforts and be able to support his family.
I will say as a Christian man, it’s even worse that he’s in ministry and doesn’t work. 1 Timothy 5:8 commands that if the man doesn’t work hard and provide, he is worse than the unbeliever
Wow I’ve read the bible front to back and thought it was us atheist that were at the bottom.
@@deboracopeland4795no there’s many scriptures describing how much worse it is to be a lukewarm believer or someone to proclaims Jesus but doesn’t live it. It’s very humbling to read those passages. Anyone who is arrogant in their Christianity has not studied them.
@@deboracopeland4795nah, you guys will see the truth too. I’m not better than you, God just reveals in stages. I look at an atheist and I see a future brother/sister. I say this because God said EVERY knee will bow and EVERY tongue will swear allegiance to Me.
Christians skip over that one sometimes. So, nothing but love for you
@@jamesearl389That's one of the most powerful scriptures to many christians. However when the Bible says every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is lord, this is after Jesus returns so it will be too late for many people at that point therefore they won't be our brothers and sisters but they will still know the truth
@@deboracopeland4795Where in the Bible did you read that atheists were at the bottom? The bottom of what, exactly?
Let them sink or swim. Why did your daughter have a baby with a guy who does not know how to provide for himself let alone a family?
Women who want to be married tend to have low standards.
Why did a man marry someone and make a child with someone when he knew he wasn’t going to provide for them?
That part. She knew she wanted to be a SAHM, so she should have married a man with the ability to do so.
This is like needing a pick up truck but buying a mini Cooper. I can't be mad at the mini Cooper for not being a pick up truck. She married a non provider. Why is she mad that he isn't providing?
@jurikowhy359 to be fair, maybe he wanted to marry a woman who wanted 50/50 relationship.
because women are taught to marry for “love” rather than use common sense.
just a suggestion: don't allow your daughter to "vent" her frustration to you. Gently say to her, "there's nothing we can do and I'm so sorry. But you need to talk with your husband". If you allow her to vent to you, she's able to discharge her hurt and frustration, and you're the one walking around sick. Love her, but don't allow her to give it to you. she needs to feel it long enough and hard enough, so that she can face the truth, and and then talk with her hubby.
This
Your daughter doesn’t get to be a SAHM if her husband can’t solely provide for her and their child and save for their future 🤷🏼♀️ that’s just that on that. He either gets a better job or she has to work. Period.
Sad but true!
Yes!!!
She picked badly
Yes but their marriage will suffer.
@@The-Oneness11 Isn't it already?
We really need to start holding people accountable for their actions. Why would you have a child with someone that only works part time? Their finances were probably a mess before the baby.
This!! And she knew mom would help
Thats so sad
So true!
She chose to “see the best in him” and got with him for “his potential”.
Exactly
And she's calling talking about the way he was raised. What does it say about the way they raised *their* daughter they she'd marry a man who didn't work full time?
This is part of the mother’s fault. As moms, we need to teach our daughters that they need to consider the life they want to live when picking a husband. It’s not just about loving someone and hoping they will change and give you what you want. She knew who he was before they got married and had a child.
that's a great and simple way of framing it
Women don't generally get to pick their husbands. Men pick the women they want to marry. She was just stupid enough to do it. At only 22 years, she definitely had more time to explore.
Yes. We have to install the proper vetting criteria into our daughters at a very young age.
I think cardi b said it best, broke boys don't deserve no 🐈
exactly. parents in our culture take no responsibility in not educating their daughters on how to date and what to look out for.
Agree. Marry up or do not get married-I wish my mom knew to tell me this.
Your daughter married the wrong guy to be a stay at home mom. She needs to run to the work force. And your job is to mind your own business. The one bit of advice I'd give her is not to make a bunch of babies with this guy or they will be overwhelmed and in poverty.
Her daughter and grandchild is her business. She’s seeking advice - what’s wrong with that?
@@Sarasapien Exactly. Close families make it possible for a possible divorce to be easier.
@@WemmieFemmie I know exactly what you mean - I was once there, and the same age as the young lady they’re talking about in this episode.
@@gnamc ❤️
She needs her mom to help her by providing childcare. Get her in work, back on her feet so she can leave this deadbeat if that's what she wants to do. Definitely no more babies.
If no one discouraged her from marrying and having a baby with him, that’s a shame. Daughter needs to step into reality. Forget a “dream of being a sahm,” get a job and provide for your child. And don’t get knocked up again.
Good advice.
Here here
Bingo
Bingo
Women should be discouraged from being with men who refuse to be slaves? Wow, feminism is a DISASTER.
People always say “I would die for my kids! “But… they won’t get a job for their kids. They won’t save money for their kids or plan for their future or be financially responsible. Before you thought about “staying home”, you should’ve thought about how you would pay for the family you started.
🎯
@@carlaritchie331Exactly! 👌
That's the thing, dying isn't difficult
Add getting healthy for their kids. Too many parents would rather be lazy and eat garbage than spend another 15-20 years with their kids/grandkids.
When I was CAREFULLY picking a husband, his ability and willingness to work was something I took a look at. As a result, I got to be a stay at home mom.
Good for you! My wife and I are in our early 30s. We have 4 little boys and my wife gets to stay home and raise them full time. And because we planned this before baby #1 even arrived, I was able to build an income that dwarfs most modern couple's combined incomes. But it just took some actual planning and talking things over in advance, not trudging through life until we're forced to make decisions.
Yep. At 22 she probably didn’t think this through at all
Me too. The number one reason I didn’t marry a previous boyfriend who really tried hard to convince me to was that I wasn’t convinced he could hold a job long term. Someone close to me had similar reservations about her husband before marriage but her mom’s advice was “if you love him that’s what matters.” It’s been a disaster. I’m way too pragmatic for that.
I hope you’re ready for when the children don’t need you anymore, don’t sleep on that little tidbit.
hey good for you, you found yourself a man who will work himself to death for you and your baby!!!
My dad always said, "This is your house. It always will be. You can come home anytime." That knowledge of having a safe landing place, helped me leave a dangerous situation, and get to a place of safety and provision.
I’m so happy to hear this. ❤
Stop putting common sense on the Internet
Me too , and I got back on my feet into my own place with my child.
We said the same to our three
@@watermelonlover745 😂
If he truly was in ministry he would know I Timothy 5:8:
“But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
I was married to this lady’s son in law for 25 years. I’m a nurse and was the breadwinner and fortunately able to make ends meet with his salary as well. He always worked but never had any ambition whatsoever. Young ladies… choose wisely. Think about what you want for your future family BEFORE marriage. He’s 30 and wants his 22 year old wife to be the head of household. NO WAY.
This hits home because I was that guy at one point. We weren’t married with a kid yet, but my girlfriend (now wife) told me pretty directly that I needed to get my act together and get a job or she was moving on with her life.
I wound up getting the highest paying job I’d ever had a week later, and it was 100% because of that ultimatum. After two years, it was her who told me to leave that job because she thought I could do even better. This guy should know, you can go from bum to pretty darn successful in two years. You can go from being on the verge of being left to very respected in your field pretty quick
Agree. Did the same with my husband twice. Works all the time. I meant it, too. Sometimes, when we talk, he tells me that he doesn't think he would have ever reached the state he is now had I never encouraged him to do better.
SAME ..❤ my husband doing incredible now ❤❤❤❤
Amazing 🤩
Damn. I messed up. Now I know why I thr main bread winner and running the household. I didn't put my foot down.
Thank you for sharing! Great job making the necessary changes and sacrifices to change the future for your family!
This man is fully capable of changing and becoming a great breadwinner for his family. We all have the capacity to rise up to meet the challenges of life and succeed.
22 and 30 told me all I needed to know . He strategized all of this .
The wife should have taken his work ethic into account before she got married
Strategized what? He's a manchild who certainly wasn't attracting a 27 yo woman but don't think he planned to be broke and relying on in laws.
@@JudePi-jx7yoThat is the strategy. Trick a naive teenager into paying your bills and when she gets knocked up, mooch off her parents until they die. Continue to live like a high school kid, barely work, and pretend to be a man of God in front of everyone else in town.
The man's a preacher for God's sake. The purest work. What strategy
@@JudePi-jx7yo no but she was 19 hardworking when they met. She saw he was nice and knew she would be more forgiving than women his age. Shes was more likely to see the potential. Now obviously she's an adult but a naive teenager too. But now she's grown and she has to look back and see that
He's 30, and she's 22 😂😂😂😂😂. That man will NEVER change. The only thing she can do is save herself.
🎯. He prob married her hoping she’ll stay infatuated with him and now that it’s wearing off will start isolating her from her parents and their common sense. He’s waiting on her to go back to work.
@@fjones5890yep the nasty games men play ughh
@@fjones5890she said the daughter is talking to parents about it. So the isolation from parents is not what's happening.
oh good lord! He’s 30?!
How do you know? Some situations are temporary
I eye rolled and said out loud “oh my word” when she said he’s in ministry. My husband feels called to ministry too but your FAMILY is your first ministry!!! Right now my husband even turned down a leadership program because he’s literally working 3 jobs so we can get out of debt first
Facts
I'm being serious, did the "leadership program" you mentioned have some fees?
She is 22 and he is 30, of course he isnt going to be a provider. He was looking for a young wife because he is a man child and no woman his age would put up with him.
“He’s in ministry”
Oh boy. “God wants me to be lazy”
And, with the arrogance of thinking he's special when he's a phoney.
Which is crazy cause the Bible talks about how God is against laziness 😭
even though sloth is one of the 7 deadly sins🤣
I wish John went off like he wanted to cuz it needs to be called out for the bullshit that it is
😂😂😂😂
Maya Angelou once said " when somebody shows you who they are,believe them the first time!" The wife already knew what kind of man she married,but she preferred to chase the fantasy of what she wanted him to be! By having a baby all she did was add more people for her to support,and instead of being a SAHM she will be the main breadwinner.
So the daughter married him, knowing he was lazy, and now wants him to miraculously become an ambitious man and good provider. Brilliant.
He’ll change, she said.
Or “i love love love him, i can do it all, as long as I have him.”
Her age explains it.
Love can make you do stupid things
My wife’s sister married the same type of guy. It’s sad. My MIL hates it and tries to help/fix it. At some point you have to let adults deal with adult mistakes. Otherwise nothing will change.
Kind of mean. She was only 22.
Before I pay my married daughter’s bills, I’m having a conversation with her husband first. I want him to explain to me “why am I providing for your family”? He may have additional information that’s not being communicated by my daughter and I want him to accept responsibility & accountability for his role as her husband.
I was once the financial secretary for our church, and, trust me, in most smaller congregations pastors don’t make much money. She had to know that before she married him and had a kid.
She thought God would provide. And it looks like that happened. Likely, the man has a ministry where he games with the youth, because he is connecting with today's youth. I bet the gaming screen at the church is big! But the parking is a wreck, and the bathrooms clog.
There’s a difference between “not much money” and “can’t afford basic living expenses.” This guy is a clown and is using the ministry as an excuse to be lazy.
He's 30 and she's 22?!
The guy is a loser. So much work available in the Dallas Fort Worth area.
Agree. There are jobs everywhere. I live in northern Wisconsin and we have stores that have been closed days because of no staff. It's pretty wild. I am an RN and the work is unlimited. I made 150K in 2023 (with a ton of OT) because we so short staffed.
Yeah I'm in Portland, OR.I went out the other night for drinks and the restaurant was closing at 8:00 p.m. And I was like what the heck is going on. Why is a bar closing at 8:00 p.m. And they said it was staffing issues. I'm guessing people are making all their money online now?@@drn13355
@@drn13355 hell yea brother. My wife is a RN and I’m going back to school to join her. Once everything is paid off we’re going to just work 2 days a week and enjoy the rest of our lives coasting into retirement at the ages of 32 and 26
Lazy people have a lot of free time to party and smooth talk their dates lol.
Great for him to get a young woman. The one thing this guy has going for him.
When I was younger and was considering suitors, one of the characteristics I watched out for is for a man willing to work ANY job to provide for his family. I have my own career and grew up comfortable. However, I have a very hard-working father, and I honestly dont think I can respect a man who can afford to be choosy while letting his family suffer. My husband is kind, faithful and more importantly, he is conscientious with money management. We both live below our means and save a good portion of our wages. But before that, we had to work jobs that were demanding and grueling. We both put in the work while striving for career growth. I love my husband but more importantly, I respect him.
“ANY JOB” is key here. Some people will stay unemployed for 6 months because they have too much pride to work at McDonald’s while looking for something better.
@@stephaniej.stanley2141 yes! I asked my husband then boyfriend, point blank. What if his chosen career is not hiring? Would he be willing to be work any job? He answered that his dad was a civil engineer and when their company closed during a recession, he worked any job. Even making and selling sweets just so they would survive and taking on other odd jobs and short contracts for his engineering job. They survived. He was eventually re employed full time as a civil engineer but it left a great impression to my husband. That a real man provides no matter the circumstances.
@@stephaniej.stanley2141 Working any job isn't always the answer. Certainly is in the case of caller but a professional doesn't start cleaing a church and expect to get back in the game.
@@stephaniej.stanley2141 Working any job can limit your ability to network, train, and apply to better positions. Hard working doesn't automatically equate with financial success. Because you can work really hard at McDonalds and be worse off, than collecting unemployment (which usually comes and unemployment insurance from past unemployment you pay into).
@@JudePi-jx7yo she did say that you can take up any job while looking for something better. I knew someone who was working as a caregiver while trying to get his medical doctor license transferred here in NZ after mjgrating.
The wife’s story is my own. Sadly, he will never change. Some men stay unemployable. Because there is a child, she won’t do anything about this, and he knows that. I found no solution for my situation except to soldier on and do what it takes to bring up a decent child. She (and her baby) got played by an unemployable man.
Maybe him being 27 and never having a job or moving out of his parents house could have been a sign. I don’t understand how someone gets played for years when it doesn’t sound like he’s had a job or income their entire relationship.
She played herself.
Yup , I was with one for way too long!!
@@jason_m5275 - She is young (22) and got baby-trapped.
@@jason_m5275 Exactly..why does everyone want to blame the other person when it was THEM who made the dang choice to be with that person. What he does or doesn't do does not negate her choice. Now she has to make the choice to stay (and shut up) or do something else for her and her child. As it's her parents calling, she isn't totally on her own.
When you said “him not providing is just a lack of fidelity” . That's powerful.
Only IF you're talking traditional roles, otherwise its just hypocritcal.
He's talking about the roles they decided upon and apparently want.
@@Duhclay if there’re not taking traditional roles it’s even more important because they both chose to have a child they both will need to provide for. They can’t abdicate that responsibility.
No it's B.S.
He is working and She is not.
@@allinlen That's what being a sole provider means. He didn't have to do that, but then he shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place.
When you agree to take on responsibilities, you can't whine when people hold you to them.
This MIL sounds absolutely wonderful. She is asking what to do and she isn’t stepping in. Good for her!
Where was she when her 19 year old daughter was dating a 27 year old louse? Probably telling her he's christian and pure and that's great and he will grow.
If they are financially struggling, give them advice but it’s ultimately up to them to solve their financial problems. If they are struggling financially, the husband needs another job and the wife cannot be a SAHM, she need to get a job too.
Why a baby now? Daughter is too immature to be married with a baby. Mommy, stay out of this and let her grow up.
Ugh her daughter married a BUM! I was 21 and was marrying a 30yo like this dude. My dad told me, “you have so many goals and dreams, you’re marrying a 30yo man…this IS WHO HE IS…he Is not going to change or grow with you.” Dad was 1000% right. I should have listened, it would have saved me a divorce. Fortunately, we did not have kids. This girl needs to RUN FOR HER LIFE! She has so much growing to do. She is going to support herself and this child alone anyways. Mine as well not support a grown ass man too. Cut the loses and divorce him.
Your comment is seriously underrated. It’s 100% true. Spot on. I was in the same position and we both know how this is going to end for this young lady and her child.
Bum. Lol old school term rarely heard today
Same, married one in my 20s. My parents warned me but I didn’t listen… they were right.
A man has no business being "in ministry" if he cannot - or refuses to - provide for his wife and children. Even heathens provide for their households! This woman's daughter should be taking this up with the pastors and elders at their church.
Paul Washer and Voddie Baucham would have some strong words for him, I can tell you that.
Well said - I wonder if his pastor or other colleagues in the church are holding him accountable for this? Sounds crazy to allow someone to "minister" to people aka give advice and guidance when their own household is in dissaray.
reminds me of some of my extended family members: one of them has a PhD in Theology and has not worked a full time job in at least 20 years, has 9 kids, and lives almost entirely off government assistance, then uses “god has called me to ministry tho” as the excuse. it’s shameful & a terrible testimony. the damage done by lazy men like this is immeasurable
I would give hubby 2 weeks to sort it out or get out of my life. Extreme? Maybe, but nothing makes a wife more resentful than a man who does not provide.
lol she could also get a job if she leaves she’s getting a job
Kind of a false premise though, because someone who would give 2 weeks notice to sort it out probably wouldn't be in a relationship with such a man to begin with.
@@Playingwithproxies with this economy, both should have jobs unless someone is assigned to childcare.
@Sam11747 Well sometimes love can make an idiot out of anybody. I would personally could never date a lazy person but to each is own. My father would have judged a man so badly if he would not work.
My daughter had a boyfriend who didn't even provide for himself. He only got himself short jobs so he got some pocket money.
She thought a child would make him take more responsibility. It didn't happen. He barely could take care of their daughter while she was at work. He was basically just a parasite. She eventually left him in the apartment, and then he had to face reality by himself.
There was a lot of drama around their separation, so my ex and I had to summon on how our two families together could support and practically help our daughter.
She has now found a new boyfriend who is hard working and caring, and they are building their future.
When my daughter was 17 21:55 and still in hs, she was dating a young man who had graduated from hs the previous year.
He had no serious plans for college or a career, but was a newspaper distributor.
The two of them thought they were in love. Not much discussion between them of their vision of their future.
She's a smart and fairly pragmatic. She planned a gap year, then college, hoped for a career she would like, and a family.
During Christmas, the boyfriend bought a ring, and proposed, in front of his family and the Christmas tree. She was not expecting it, but excited he had proposed, Christmas was romantic, but she was not really prepared for such a big step, even tho' she loved him.
,
She felt the pressure ( and the pleasure), and didn't want to embarasss him in front of his family, so she accepted.
During the holidays, they came to see me ( I was divorced from her father and single at the time), to announce their engagement.
I wasnt in favor of the idea at all, although he was a nice guy who treated her well.
I was not in favor of the plan,, but kept my head and was kind about the news.
I asked him where they wood live. He said he planned to buy a light house, fix it up, and live there.
There was not much left to discuss. My daughter was practical enough to see the huge holes in that plan. She gave the ring back within a week.
About a year later, she had another serious boyfriend. Her father and I loved this young man because he was very good to my daughter. And because he had such a good heart.
When it was time for college, they decided to go to the same school, and live together. My husband and I weren't pleased, partly because we would be paying for college for her, but he had no resources to pay for his own, a no plans on how he would be able to do so.
She refused to discuss details with us, and was FURIOUS when we brought it up. It became clear to us that whatever we provided would probably be split between them.
Her bf was a philosophy major, an excellent student. He had dropped out of college for a year, because he couldn't afford the pricey private college he attended, and didn't want to get a job or loans.
My husband and I were very against the arrangement she proposed, we couldn't afford to support both of them.
We proposed that they each live at home and attend 2 years of community College. If he worked while attending school, he could afford to go to school. If she got her first two years finished at community College, she could save some money, while getting 2 years of college under her belt. If she really insisted an attending school together, they could do that in couple of years.
She was absolutely furious at us, and refused to even discuss it.
They both enrolled in college at her first choice. She took out loans for school, and still refused to discuss it.
She finished school and graduated with excellent grades and an internship for a year.
Meanwhile, the bf didn't finish college, but they stayed together.
He proposed and she accepted. After graduation, she got a great job at a big international advertising agencies in NYC. She became an assistant producer making
TV commercials.
They got married and moved to NYC. He got a job right away, although it didn't pay much, he considered it a starter job while he looked for better jobs. Unfortunately, not a big market for philosophers. Much less with good pay., and no PHD.
She liked her job, started being recognized and rose in responsibilities and pay I.
Meanwhile, during that first two years,her husband made a couple of job changes to other low paying jobs. Finally found that her really liked a landscaping job, but had no interest in rising through the ranks. He just liked the manual labor.
My daughter finally realized that although they loved each other in many ways, he had no ambition. She knew would never be able to have a family, unless she was the one to support the family. This was not their original plan. After hard discussions, they divorced, but are still friends.
I believe, had she not had that first engagement. She might not have been able to recognize that somebody needs to pay for the dreams.
Eventually, she met her match with a guy who has done well at his profession, and has the same vision of children, and a stay at home mother. They have 2 beautiful children she has been at home for during school ages, and the 4 of them are happy.
At least your daughter has learned from her mistakes.
@@curiousone61290
@@beepbopboop7727
Thank goodness!
Thank goodness she hD you guiding her. When we are young and naive, we don't know what we don't know about real life.
I'm almost in tears because I wanted to call John and have the exact same conversation.
Let them struggle. If you raised your kid right, there'll be a point where she jerks the chain. And he's going to have to listen or go. I did this with my partner, he wanted to wait for the right job. An understandable sentiment, not a realistic one. That's when I pulled on him. I told him that I wouldn't marry someone who wasn't willing to take a job, even if it was minimum wage. Wasn't a hard discussion for us, thankfully, he just didn't know it bugged me that much, a month later, he was working a part time gig and he and I were sharing the weight of bills and the like. It'll take a struggle, but a good hard worker will lose patience and make the partner pull as well, in the end.
@@abigailblackstock4928 Thank you so much. This gives me hope.
There’s nothing noble about working 60 hours per week and being broke. That’s a life lesson in adaptation and change in the least.
@@slickback_was_taken PREACH! People, especially many Evangelicals, have a "poverty gospel" mindset. Like they're more holy for being broke. HARD PASS.
From the sounds of it I don’t think this dude is working no 60 hours a week 😂😂
Sounds like he's working 30 hours a week for 2 people
This breaks my heart. The first caller.
@@jason_m5275 for real 😂
I love John's response here! Its upsetting to see a family member with bills and a newborn they cannot afford. And the caller has to listen and see all the fear up close but ultimately can't do anything. We all just want to fix problems for people we love and where do you draw the boundaries? She can be honest, supportive, and have boundaries and thats what i love about John Delony's advise. I pray her daughter and son in law figure out how to step up and balance with their newborn.
My mother-in-law gave me a safe space to talk about “her son” and ask advice, vent, giggle about men, and all the things. I never had to bring those things into my parents’ home. She explained that she would always love her son, but she knew men did stupid things. What an amazing gift!
John's vocabulary and knowledge of euphemisms make these conversations flow so smoothly
So
At 30 , this father/ husband feels perfectly satisfied having in laws pay bills while he games….
Perfectly oblivious to his wife’s struggle….
The daughter needs to hear this.
If she has to get a job to take care of the family and NOT do her job of raising her child, she might as well be without her husband.
His job is to provide.
Her job is to raise the children.
Pick your partners wisely.
No, women joined the workforce decades ago and drove wages down...this is the fault of feminists. The majority of families have to have 2 people working. "Dr. John" is a simp wimp who caters to women. He's a 🤡 and rarely offers helpful advice.
I think the mother said that the daughter manages all the bills etc. maybe that is part of the problem he never sees where they are running short. I don't agree that it is her "job" to raise the child it should be both of their goals to do that in a flexible manner. They need to talk about what they want in this relationship.
All a parent can be for their adult kids is a good listener, not a problem solver.
Exactly!
AMEN...and I don't give advice unless they ask for it.
Touché
Thank you. I truly needed to hear that today. Perfect timing 🙏🏻. I’m not here to solve their problems. They are grown adults now.
@@elderlypoodle9181 Believe me, I have to keep reminding myself of this all the time!
I believe in ministry, but the Bible also says that if a man doesn’t work, he doesn’t eat & that folding of the hands leads to poverty.
The details just got worse as the call went on 🥴
I know😮
The fact that the In Law has this much detail about the marriage an issue??
Yeah the age gap really through me off. Especially because in the beginning she mentioned her daughter used to be the breadwinner.
Like the lady telling me I should date this lady..then she later says she has been married 5 times already and has 4 kids
John won't say it but her daughter should leave this guy now instead of later. She's 22 and this will never change for the better.
I see, you’re one of those people
Lol daughter gotta go work
You should never get married.
Then she can be a stay at home mom and live in luxury? Or find a provider mentality man why she is still young?
Right, and by the time she has several children by this guy it will be very difficult to find a worthwhile husband.
I’m sure there were LOTS of red flags about this man before her daughter agreed to marry him.
Women get off and are attracted to red flags.
Like flies on cow manure.
So they reject dozens of hard working men and mate with bums.
That is the norm for many decades and reason the usa leads the world in percentage of single moms.
Yep, and the parents tried to tell here ( mom said that earlier in the conversation), but Missy chose love over common sense.
She’s 22….
I was married to someone like this for 25 years. I was the breadwinner and did everything at home. The last three years he made $10,000 a year and he finally left me because I complained too much. 😂. I hope this young lady learns more quickly than I did.
Jesus.
......................................
Who supports him now?
@@lmiller1413 he’s had a bunch of different jobs so I guess he’s cobbled enough together plus the $80,000 I gave him. His car was repossessed, according to my daughter. I haven’t spoken to him since he left in June 2020
Why did you stay with him for so long?
I was married to a guy like this. I worked part time after my son was born but i eventually had to go back to work full time and put my son in daycare. It broke my heart and i ended up divorcing my husband 2 years later. 16 years later he's still struggling to pay his bills, but no longer my problem
Being in ministry is no excuse .
My brother is a pastor AND on the side he’s an interpreter working from home for the court . He’s always busy but provides for his family .
an acquaintance married a guy like this. 20 plus years later, he never worked a full time, full benefits, 40 hour a week job.
40 or less is full time in European countries. How many hours is full time in the US? 😮
Clicked on this just to make sure this was not my in laws calling in.
If your daughter is that well raised, smart and Blablabla … why did she choose so poorly? 😅
I hear that!
Because she is 22
@@1tommydaycould have made her a smart 22 yo but that would require they raised her right
Because life is messy and people aren’t perfect.
Her mom is in denial
Daughter has a degree. She is going to work and daddy is staying home. That happens alot now because more women go to college. If he has no degree he won't be making money. Restaurants and stores don't pay much.
I thought that. My parents taught me to be self sufficient. I am. I’ve worked to achieve great qualifications and a very employable. Unfortunately because of that I married a man I loved. Great yes? No. I became my family’s credit card. I was no longer the wife or the mother. I just kept going to work. I was run down and destroyed. I left him and things are tough but I’m still self sufficient and I know I’ll work my way up to where I need to be again. If I had my time over I would look closer at what he could provide in return and be lead by his actions not his promises.
@@fionamerrin422 it's not so bad if he keeps the house clean, cooks dinner, grocery shops and takes care of the kids because that is a job in itself. Problem is most men do nothing to help with the house so you end up doing everything and work.
@@extremecarpetcleaning-wvwi86 👍 that’s great too. Unfortunately, for me, when the kids were sick or there were things at school where mums are different to dads, that biological pull was just too much. And our house was never clean! Until I paid the cleaner.
The other option is for her to not get a degree and be oppressed forever, because she can't support herself and her child.
@@lmiller1413 She already has a degree. She really settled with this guy, who does not have a degree.
I moved to Portugal a couple of years ago. Beside Catholic priest, 100% I believe of pastors have to work full-time to support their families.
Most, if not all their time in the ministry is not paid or paid very little. It is volunteer of their heart. The cost of running a church, and everything that a church entails takes all if not the majority of the ties and offerings.
The pastors here are very humble, hard-working, and loving human beings that care for their families and their congregations. It has been a blessing to be here.
This is one of those instances we're she needs to mind her own business and let her adult daughter figure it out and if they fail they fail that's part of being an adult. And she is blaming it all on her son in law. My guess is the daughter is just as bad as him but doesn't want to deal with it
my daughter did this twice....both the men ended up resenting her and being angry at her for wanting more from them. she is single now with two children and struggling, holding down 3 jobs (two are part time). they expected and wanted what SHE could provide to THEM. They were moochers.
Sorry to hear that! Out if curiosity, how old was your daughter when she met these guys, abd what was highest completed level of education?
This is sad and familiar. My sister married a lazy oaf. He was good the first few years. Six kids later, she is the major breadwinner at minimum wage jobs. He ‘owns’ a contracting business and picks and chooses the jobs he feels like doing. Sits around or spends time trying to make his kid a professional athlete the rest of the time. My parents have picked up the slack. Mortgage payments, taxes, utilities. His parents as well, though they’ve recently backed off. We’ve told them to stop. They won’t. My dad says ‘I won’t let my grandkids starve.’ He’s 82 now. He doesn’t care anymore. My Sister is now 42 with two grandbabies. Has been on anti-depressants for 15 years. She and her husband have no sex life. They still spend a lot of money on non-necessities (eating out, smart phones, travel). I am mostly disappointed in my dad, honestly. 😢
Why, in this year of 2024, is ANY woman reaching adulthood with skills that only get her minimum wage??? There's no excuse for that anymore.
Reminds me of my parents. My dad wanted a traditional marriage, then once he had her saddled with 5 kids he decided he was done working. He just loafed around for over a decade bringing in ZERO money, still expecting my mom to do all the cooking/cleaning/childcare, and he tried to sabotage all her attempts at making money since women belonged at home. Make it make sense.
Extended family and church bailed us out repeatedly. Honestly, it makes me mad all the enabling people did with his bad behavior.
Wow. What a mess. Its hard to sit back and watch that.
@@ChipsTheOrigamiLemon Good for your dad! Women get away with watching t.v. and eating bon bons all day when they are sahm's.
I'm actually proud of your dad. He didn't let his grandkids suffer.
She will wind up leaving him. He just doesn't get it. The daughter won't be a SAH mom cuz she'll not have a choice about working. This has played out a billion times.
Instead, she will be a single mom.
That's what it looks like
It's crazy because if they just would have married the financially stable responsible guy in the first place they could have realized their dream of being a SAHM. Instead they go into the dating market as a single mom and get bitter because no self respecting bachelor with options wants to raise another man's child.
My husband and I got married the summer after he graduated college, and he didn't have a job for the first three months of marriage and it just about killed him. Even if I could support him one day, he would not be able sit at home and not work to take care of me and our kids. He got his first professional position 12 years ago, and has changed jobs several times, but has never been unemployed for a day since that first job, and have always been provided for.
Whew. I'm in my mid 70s. I've seen this situation play out with others throughout my life. When you're younger, the situation can be more easily handled, but as more kids arrive and become older creating more expenses, the situation deteriorates rapidly. I wish had known, as I do now, that outlooks on finances which agree produce happier marriages. I wish them well.
This is precisely why I told my daughter that if she wants to start a family, she better not marry a broke dude. She watched me kill myself working full time while doing the majority of housework and childrearing. It sucked. Most men think their job ends when they get home. A wife and mother's job never ends.
True and also a father who truly cares about his family he never turns off he is always ready to go for them
Your daughter will most likely be a single mother judging by how low quality women are today. Young men have learned from older men that marriage today is a prison sentence for men and if they want out it will cost them a bundle.
Women of today have watched our mothers be married single mothers. We see the manipulative red pilled men and many of us are choosing to be single and/or child free. If men want patriarchy on a budget, we will either stay single or be extremely wise in our choices of a partner. Thank you for helping your daughter choose wisely.❤
@@lilred00051 Amen.
@@kenlang2154 this caller has a low quality man. Prison sentence? LOL don't get married if you feel that way.
Why would you enter into a sole provider situation with someone who's never even had a full time job?
This outcome was inevitable.
😂😂😂😂😂
BINGO!!
This was totally preventable too
One would think!
My sister was like the daughter. Super smart, went to college, graduated, got a great job, moved to the city, got her Master's degree.......all while dating the same guy since high school. Who lived at home and could not keep a steady job. They got married. A few years later had a baby. Husband still did not have consistent work so he became a stay at home dad. He was a stay at home dad for 3 years and then he cheated on my beautiful sister and broke her heart. Now they are divorced and she is remarried to a man who matches her academically and professionally and she is very happy. I never understood why she continued dating him and married him. So many great guys were interested in her. I learned a hard lesson from this and married a man who owned his own home, had an established career, and showed me that he could provide for me and any future children. I have been a SAHM for 10 years.
My dad was a pastor AND worked 2 other jobs. This 30 yr old man is a joke and I highly doubt he’ll ever change. He has no reason to.
Your children's life is their life This is your daughter's choice. I hated it when my in-laws stuck their noses into our business. They made their choices and we made ours.
what a great call. I love this lady, so much heart and integrity.
I was the 22 year old, 23 years ago. Waited a long time to have a child and then when I did, I suddenly saw the light and got rid. Best decision ever. It was like having two babies at once. I’m now a strong independent woman with a good money job and a happy son whom I, and everyone he meets, adores.
How did you do it
I think I just woke the hell up and my baby gave me the strength to want better for his life. My husband was so nasty when I was pregnant and when our son came along he didn’t provide or help me with anything. I knew I had to do it. I told him one Valentine’s Day ten years ago that I was done. He moved back in with his mum…which just proves everything! We are friends for the sake of our son, but I have greatly improved mine and my son’s life by retraining myself and am now in a well paid and stable job.
So the daughter married a guy who only worked part time on purpose 😅
So no mention of what he plans on doing before he thinks he's gonna marry my child. Hell what was the daughter thinking was gonna happen. They both sound sheltered to me.
Agreed.
There was no thinking. That’s the problem 😂
Likely he was also a bullshiters claiming to change
@@philwill0123 not buying that. He lived at home scratching his balls with a part time job. Ok girl is sheltered and lives in fairy land and honestly her mom needs to point the finger at herself. I wish my daughter would. Lol. I've made my expectations clear. Lol
Here’s an idea….if you can’t support a family, don’t start one.
🎯
Exactly!
Usa leads the world in percentage of single mothers. So ingrained culture to not have a father or a bum as one..
Here’s a concept for the caller… If their family is “struggling big time financially” then YOUR DAUGHTER is also not a hard worker.
No man or woman should lay back and let their family struggle “big time financially”. Growing up in poverty is inherently traumatic.
Most likely, if she stopped being a SAHM, most of her salary would go to child care. The daughter would be financially better off being single and child-free but, she chose otherwise. The mother said that the daughter was making more than her husband before she stopped working.
You can be a hard worker and struggle. It means you’re not a smart worker. In this case you are probably right about the daughter if she’s not stepping up.
Second, this depends on the situation. Assuming they’re in poverty because of poor decisions then that’s on them. You can’t just give handouts to adults expecting them to one day figure it out.
I would have no problem not helping my children if they consciously choose to not do anything to change their situation.
Edit: now that I re read the comment, maybe your second paragraph is about the SIL. If that’s the case then I agree if you’re talking about the parents then I disagree.
They had an agreement that she would be a stay at home mom instead of working. Since he agreed to that, it is his responsibility to provide for the family. If he is too lazy to provide for the family, she should go back to work for a bit with the understanding that it’s not forever. But it’s understandable that she hasn’t done that yet when there is an expectation he has agreed to fulfill.
She has a baby to take care of. It’s not gonna feed its little self. I had 3 kids. It is definitely a very full time job if you are providing your children with safety.
I was in this scenario. The main issue is that after a woman has a baby, she becomes less motivated to work for money for a couple years after. It is biological. The mother is supposed to put all her energy into the baby. The father is the one who should provide to allow her to do that.
This is sad but a good reminder not to marry for potential. She’s young so she probably didn’t understand how this could play out. If he’s this immature, once she starts working, she will probably become the main bread winner, primary care giver to the kid and keep the house in order while cooking…what is he good for? This is a prime example as to why so many women are opting out of marriage and children. Hopefully she’ll learn so her second marriage can be more successful
She may eventually have to pay spousal support to this guy
My father told me "what you see is what you get". The husband was never a worker. You have to love the person as they are, not as you wish. Sounds like the daughter loves the "potential" that will not become reality. These are questions they should have decided on prior to the baby. I bet he thought she would go back to work and then realized daycare costs money. Stop expecting men to understand childcare. Many don't. Women have got to start taking accountability.
She never should've married the loser in the first place and saved herself a heap of trouble
What potential 😂😂😂???
I think she believed his lies and trusted that the lord would work it out. She didn't have street smarts.
Ministry is not a career and should not be treated as such. The idea that in the western world we put people on a pedestal to teach about God yet cant keep their home in order is insane. You want to be leader in a Church, do it for free and do it when you are of appropriate age. Personally I think it is best to have no one in a church on a payroll, and only retired men of one wife (unless widowed at some point) are qualified. The letter to Timothy in the Bible talks about who is qualified to preach and teach. It really is common sense when you get down to it.
There are absolutely some exceptions to this … but the way he is acting has nothing to do with ministry.
Ministry, especially full-time is WORK! Its fulfilling but it’s not easy.
As the old folks used to say, "Finance before Romance!"
"You gotta have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me...."😅😅😅
Yeah maybe. Or that's a different kind of miserable life.
I respect this mother in law. She choose not to interfere. We need more like her.
That old saying is true - women marry men hoping they change and men marry women hoping they never do. She married him hoping he'd change, because he was who he is before they got married.
Everybody loving him was the bait that got him access to a women who is legally an adult, but not enough life experience to see the shepherd is just as dangerous as the wolf. A wolf will just eat you, the shepherd will kill you by a thousand cuts over a span of years. He baby trapped her, to ensure her fidelity to him.
The least motivated people I know are young people in ministry. They work short hours, “trust God” for their finances. They have given up personal responsibility in exchange for the idea that everything will magically work out ok.
While they play video games for hours a day
“He doesn’t love her back like she loves him.” “… you are a husband who lacks integrity and fidelity.”
He is a THIRTY! year old man with a 22 year old pregnant young woman. He lives on hopes and dreams, while letting everyone else work out the reality of things.
Would be interested to know how old she was when they got together. Men like this choose young women because they’re much easier to manipulate. Dating women their own age is near impossible because they see right through them.
the women his own age probably for the most part had their lives together and already ready for kids. so he might have decided to date younger to buy himself more time before she wanted kids. she fell for his empty promises, had his kid, and now is bamboozled he can't afford to keep her at home. it's sad. the daughter is not blameless but i think he's definitely more manipulative than the caller believes
Amen
I always see this posted but no one ever states what "their own age" is. What's the time frame? Does it have to be exactly his age? Within 2 years? 5 ages? Should a 50 year old not date a 40 year old? There are plenty of women that actively seek out and date older men. Yet no one's ever hating on or shaming them. This just seems obtuse to me. Just an excuse to hate on the guy.
Scripture says: "He who does not provide for his own family is worse than an infidel."
Yet the church he works for doesn’t pay him enough to provide for his family. Oh the hypocrisy.
@@andrea6053 agreed
@@andrea6053many people who work in ministry also work other jobs. Some churches don't pay their staff a full salary because they are using the funds to upkeep the building or pay for food pantry or financially support sick ornpoor families in the congregation
@@andrea6053it's not hypocritical. Most churches can't support a full-time pastor. My father is a pastor and he's had two full time jobs for decades. That's the reality for most people in church roles
@@andrea6053 when larger churches pay full time salaries, they are considered suspect. So there is no way to win in the court of public opinion. Having spent over 30 years in music ministry, I can tell you that churches often have a mix of full and part time positions. They consider in the hiring process if an applicant has a family. This guy hired on as a single man. Now that he has a wife and child, this church isn’t automatically budgeted to make him full time. How do we know that this guy even approached them to ask for full time? He sounds lazy to me.
GOOD LUCK. My grandfather said that not even the devil wants lazy people.
😂
😂😂😂😂
Oh my goodness I love this lol
I love that!!!
Danm! 😂😂
Being a sahm is unfortunately a luxury these days. I’m so thankful for my husband being able to provide enough for me to be able to do that. You have to be on the same page when you make that choice and work ethic to provide enough on a single income.
Sounds like her daughter won’t be able to fulfill the desire to be a sahm.
It's not thankful. My sister is grateful her husband is 6'3, can dance and is a good dad. God didn't provide that she chose her husband.
@@JudePi-jx7yoyou're just typing to type
@@JudePi-jx7yo Are you telling this woman not to be thankful?! 😐
@@taunyb5429 I’ll just pat myself on the back for choosing wisely 😭😂
I was a stay at home mom when my first child was born, when baby number 2 came along it was back to work. Life’s expensive and me working helped out a lot.
My buddy in his 30s too does not have a full time job either. He is the life of the party and relies on welfare. Great guy everyone loves him because he has time to hang out and help anyone.
So why would she marry him in the 1st place??
🍆
Can't work in your 20s, it doesn't get any better. Her daughter will have to do it all until she gets tired or sick.
Probably packing or good looking then
Cuz she was young and dumb. No other explanation.
she married for “love” aka desperation, daddy issues and baby fever.
One of the best calls!
It is sooo difficult being in the position to defend a loved one against a choice they made themselves. It's like two contradicting things they tell you: their choice tells you, 'please don't get involved'. Their coming to you says:' please get involved'.
No good position to be in.
wf4983 THE HUSBAND THE MAN IS SUPPOSE TO BE THE PROVIDER!!! SHE STAYS AT HOME WITH THE KIDS. THE MAN IS SUPPOSE TO BE THE PROVIDER!! HE NEEDS TO GET A SECOND JOB IF NEED BE.
@@ericaaubie860 oh. I talked about the position the mom is in. She really can't do a lot about her son in law providing or not. She herself can become a provider for her daughter and her grandchild. But that is not ending well when the daughter is only sometimes on board with the mother and sometimes on board with her husband. You can't defend someone against their husband if they don't become clear.
Even as a sahm, I would be afraid. I don't know how women so happily trust these men to not leave them, cheat, or whatever else they always seem to be doing. She is getting screwed either way because as a sahm, she will be losing at least a decade of income and growth in the field she got a degree in and if they end up divorced, she will have to struggle to get back into the field. It's too risky, ladies. Make sure you have income coming in even as a sahm, never depend on men to do the right thing. I'm so happy I'm child-free...this is too stressful.
You don’t sound happy at all. I’m happy. I’m a SAHM of 3 and haven’t had an income in 14 years. I never have to think about the stress you are projecting onto happily married women. My husbands income has tripled in those 14 years of being a mom and housewife partly due to me being at home vs him looking like the bitches at his work who talk about “their night” to make dinner or how they can’t finish their work because they have to pick up the kids by 5. He takes last minute travel and texts me vs having to call his wife for permission or who they can impose on (again) with the kids. The men at his employment are jealous of home cooked meals and packed lunches and the freedom he has. And the women routinely express how they wish to be at home but “can’t”. We are living the best of both worlds vs being one of those as miserable as you, simply projecting on others. ✌🏼
@rebeccamcbride1519 original comment is valid, even if it is a bit of generalizing. im genuinely glad u have had a good experience with being a sahm but my mom was a sahm too and she was physically, mentally and financially abused my entire childhood by my dad and was unable to leave for basically all the reasons OP listed. each decision a woman makes for her life is a calculated risk that can bring happiness or struggle.
@@rebeccamcbride1519 Wow! You don’t sound happy. I hope you don’t end up eating your words.
@@rebeccamcbride1519what an amazing life. 💕🙏🏼
@@v.anessa1451 BUT your moms poor decision making has nothing to do with being a SAHM. She made the poor decision of choosing an abusive partner. Then she decided not to stop the abuse. And even further went on to have a child or worse multiple children with him! All of this is on her. None of what I’ve stated has to do with your father. She continued the poor decision making and even compounding it by not working or even better leaving. You should be angry at your mother and definitely not follow such a shitty example of irresponsibility but again that has NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING A SAHM.
I'm kind of in the opposite situation. I worked hard for my degree (IT) got an entry level position and it has been two years. Don't make a ton of money, student loans are $1000 a month and we are just scraping by. My wife works, she's not lazy at all. She's amazing. But I am like depressed because I know she wants kids, she doesn't want to live in this rental her whole life and I can't provide that to her. I've applied to soooo many jobs but get nothing back. I just want to provide for my wife and my future family.. It's rough out there. I want to give her everything, even at the cost of my own health, at least for a few years while I'm young.
I hear you...
It's definitely a struggle out there. This is what I would do though... I'm 40.
1. See if you can buy a duplex or a home that will allow you to house hack. Basically, get somebody else to pay your mortgage. Look into the naca program. Zero down payment, no mortgage insurance, and closing costs.
2. Compounding interest is your friend!!!!
If you invest 500 a month into a high growth fund and get the average 10% return, you will have 380k in 20 years. If you get 15%, you will have 750k. Look up aggressive growth funds (biawx is a good one). Focus on investing now, because you will be set up later. If you change your perspective, you can allow compounding interest to do the work for you.
Get a decent job that allows you to work from home. Take the money you will save from paying for child care and invest it. If you sink 1500 a month into the fund, you will have 1.1 million to 2.2 million, depending on the rate of return. You could be 45 sitting on 2 million. That is enough to pay for your kid's college, buy them a starter home, and retire.
If you allow that money to sit for 30 years, you will have 3.4M or 10M (15%). All this from you tucking away 1500 a month. Compounding interests is a wonderful tool that most of us don't learn about until we are forty. You could literally make yourself a millionaire by tucking away fifteen hundred a month over a long period of time. Time is your best friend.
Your willingness to get where you want to be is admirable!
But health ALWAYS comes first.
Without that you can not be able to ‘DO’ for your family for the long term.
💕
@The_Generalgr It's definitely a struggle out there. This is What I would do though... I am 40 now.
1. See if you can buy a duplex or a home that allow you to house hack. Basically get somebody else to pay your mortgage. Look into the naca program. Zero down payment, no mortgage insurance, and no closing costs. There are tons of other programs out there.
2. Time and Compounding interest are your bests friend. You don't actually have to make a lot of money in order to become a multi millionaire. Time and compounding interest will do the work for you. If you invest 1500 a month for the next 20 years, in an aggressive growth fund, you'll have 2.2 million dollars. 25 years will create 4.8m!!!! Look up the dave ramsey investment calculator and play with it. the s&p returns 10% percent on average. Aggressive funds can get you over 15%.
If you focus on a 20 year horizon, you could have a relatively low salary now, but save a bunch, and then allow compounding interest and time to do the work for you. You'll blink and be rich by 50.
I remember older people telling me when I was 20. That I should invest early, but I didn't totally understand it. I get it now. You could literally be a stay at home parent, create a side hustle, and invest all of the funds. You could Uber your way into being have almost 5 million dollars in 25 years. Please sit down and look at the math. It is totally doable.
@@Lauren-i8i Thanks. You’re right, but my mind tells me a different story, as always..
$100 says this creep was her church youth minister when he met her.
My friend is in same sitiation going through divorce. They had 50/50 splitting bills while dating. She fought with us when we advised her againts dating a bill splitting as*h0le. She said we were too entitled and traditional. She finally learns the reality of a man who isnt interested to provide. She has twins and hates her life being a single mom now. Choose wisely, ladies ! Dont listen to the crap of society's latest toxic standard. If a man wants 50/50, run !
Exactly. If a man doesnt provide you shouldnt either
Let's be real here. A 30 yr old man marrying your 22 yr old daughter should have been the first clue that this guy takes the easy road in life.
There's nothing wrong with a 30 year old man marrying a 22 year old woman. He's a loser because he is lazy-not because of the age difference.
He was 24 when she was 16.I wonder when they started dating?
@@laurameixner2897that seems incredibly presumptive of you
Eh, not necessarily. Many women date men older than them, this guys just broke. If he were a well off man/provider nobody would mention the age gap. Thats not uncommon tho, I see a lot of women dating men older than them.
What does that have to do with anything? I'm 12 years younger than my husband, I was 21 and he was 33 when we got married. We're still married 34 years and 5 kids later.
There are a lot of jobs available these days, no reason he can't find something. McDonald's in my town pays about 20 per hour.
They don’t offer 40 hours.. and will most likely be replaced by the end of the year by a machine
@@julieosmondson5180 Where do you live? New York City?
@@duvessa2003 I live in northern Minnesota. Lots of jobs here. Desperate for fast food workers.
@@SAM17898usually offer hours 2 below being dull rime so no health insurance..ie Obamacare stuff..health insurance costs say 70 percent more so just hire folks for 26 to 28 hours. Lol
I have five children all married, I have taught all of them to be solution oriented. I trust and support their choice even if I do not agree, because of this I am trusted by both my child and their spouse. When any of them (spouses included) come to me for advice all three of us sit down and work through what the issue is and focus on the possible solutions. Marriage is a state of consciousness negotiation, not battling.
why did she quit her job when he didn’t make enough? staying at home is a privilege. it’s a math problem. if she looked at the bills and saw that he didn’t make enough it’s her fault as well. u can’t quit ur job and when the bills aren’t paid blame him
Exactly. He doesn’t make enough money to support a family alone yet they make a child, and then she just stops working like a little princess, and tells him he’s a lazy loser for not making more money and not working 60 hours a week. Well princess, you don’t get to be a stay at home mom, get back to work!
I don't understand how you can quit your job to be at home when you can't pay your bills, what kind of concept is that?
I also don't get it. it is not a thing here in Portugal. And the ammount of people saying that she sould have chosen a better man for that purpose...what? Is using people the new thing?
@@carolinarochapinto8552daughter wanted to be a stay at home mom and for that to happen, she needed to choose a partner that could support their family on one income.
Real masculine man will provide for wife and kid. Feminine loser will not.
@@carolinarochapinto8552 In the US it is- women no longer want to work so they have to marry a man who will provide a certain lifestyle, then once they are SAHM's they continue to complain that they want more.
@@carolinarochapinto8552 You're missing a point. If she wanted to be a sahm, she should have chosen someone else or wait for her boyfriend to change BEFORE marriage. Yes, you should judge your partner's character and behavior before marrying them. And if their character and behavior doesn't suit your expectations or plans, you should look for someone else, instead of being unhappy with your first choice.
Bring this situation up to his elders!
Some cheat with laziness, some with golf course and others with rejection.
I actually hated that bit.. cheating is cheating. Its not.. oh he/she plays to much golf or is lazy. Cheating is stepping out on your significant other with another person. No need to expand it. That other stuff when done to an extreme degree to the point that it causes issues in the marriage is called negligence.