For the last story: if the pair are American, “Noddy” will also sound like “naughty”, another word used in child-rearing that a teacher might say. Also, from a linguistic perspective: you’re throwing a lot of alveolar sounds around (n, t, d), which will be harder for babies to say - the reason that “mama” and “baba/papa” are very common parent terms across the world is because babies usually babble their first sounds with their whole mouth opening and closing, and they only get to tongue control later. It might be easier to let your baby name you? Listen to the sounds your baby starts saying and pick one you like for yourself? No idea if that would work in practice but it’s an option, like how babies often end up giving aunts and uncles cute names when they can’t pronounce their real names.
I always wondered why the Hebrew "abba" sounded so much to my ear like the English "dadda" even though they're entirely unrelated languages. Interesting stuff!
Speaking as someone whose parents specifically picked a name that they thought cannot be transformed into bullying material.. kids are creative little shirts.
Huh the Romania is tata so I kinda though t was an early sound as well. That’s how I got one of the few nicknames (my name is not nickname friendly) I have actually my little brother could not say my name till he was like 4 1/2. My parents still call me it :)
@@the_demon_cat337 I mean the English is ‘dada’ so it’s not UNcommon for “dad” to have the alveolar d/t sounds, but I’m pretty sure in general “b/p” is preferred over “d/t” around the world. “M” sounds like “ama” for the birthing parent and then “b/p” sounds like “apa or aba” for the second parent are the most common IIRC. But yeah any version of like “Momo and Abba” or whatever could work as a way to refer to NB parents by pre-verbal babies.
It's unreasonable for the bride and mother of the bride to try and dictate what is done with a rejected gift. Once the wedding was over, I would have just given it to the grandma. Snub people with your own money, not mine.
I agree. The post didn't really tell any specifics about the parenting, so it's hard to make any proper judgement, if it's the parents fault. As Shaaba mentioned, I would be very concerned about outside influence.
Thank you! I was wondering this the whole time. Compared to significantly freer styles of parenting that are happening now my own upbringing might be considered strict/tough love but I honestly think it was just structured.
I would have liked more specifics as well, but the phrase "tough love" usually implies a lack of understanding and grace. It may be that there are other influences at play, but now OP and her husband cannot be a countermeasure because their son does not trust them or feel close to them emotionally.
For non-binary parents, one option is just using your first name. My mother's not NB, she just doesn't like the word "mom" so me and all my siblings have always called her by name.
Right?! Like, it’s not like utilities. Food preferences/needs/restrictions/etc. are _incredibly_ individual, so it only makes sense to just buy your own groceries, not split costs. Splitting grocery costs seems like a guaranteed way to start arguing with your roommates constantly! It sounds like a nightmare, honestly. 😅
The way my mouth fell open with that story. Everyone will eat different amounts at wildly different price points. Buy your own groceries and save yourself and your roommates a lot of dissent.
I dont eat much, and eat cheap food. $20 maybe $30 can last me a week. I had roommates who could spend anywhere from $100-300 a week. And they were such fat asses they would eat MY food WITHOUT asking. Grrrr. Needless to say we aren't roommates anymore.
Absolutely completely agree. Never ever ever evenly split food groceries. There are dietary, monetary, and consumption/preference differences and changes. It’s all around not something to try and split evenly.
My brother and I split the grocerie cost when we can, but that's because we've lived together my whole life, we have similar tastes, and we cook big meals to split instead of individual ones. I would not split groceries with anyone other than him, it just seems like it'd be too much work to fairly split with someone who isn't super similar in means of taste.
That son rejecting his mom: I relate to him, and it's why I'm no contact with my mom. Her attempts to be in my adulthood the parent I should have had as a kid... I couldn't bear it. I learned at age 9 that I can't trust her to support or protect or care about me, and it kept being reinforced. I don't hate her. It's just that I find it hard to relate to who she is now. I don't trust that it's not a mask, or a trap. If that rift could be closed, it would take more time than I'm willing to give, cuz there's so much left for me to forgive. That mom is the drama, but I think the best way she can change that is not forcing that bond.
For the necklace one, the friend and her mom don't care about the waste because they didn't pay for it!! So entitled of them to expect OP to just throw it away And it's also so shortsighted of them! Don't they think it's even remotely possible they might actually be on good terms with grandma someday and want to give it to her then? I did not like my grandma but I could see myself giving her a gift to spite her because it makes me look like the bigger person lol
If OP paid for the necklace it's HER gift to give to the grandma or keep or whatever she wants to do with it. If Bride or her Mom reimbursed her for it they could do whatever THEY like with it. (Leaving it behind would likely cause more communication with B&B host, so I agree that's not the best choice.)
I agree. Technically it is OP’s gift to every person, not the bride’s. Yes it is for the occasion of the friend’s wedding, but the gift is coming from OP. I do hope the bride didn’t make it seem like any of the necklaces were gifted by her and made it know to all (bridesmaids, etc) that it was a very kind gift from OP. Also, until a gift is given it is still your property. For whatever reason one may decide to not give a certain gift and that is okay. It doesn’t even have to be a negative reason, it can be that the gift doesn’t seem the best option anymore for whatever reason. This may be an unpopular opinion but I think OP would even be entitled to give the necklace to the grandma after the wedding, just making sure it is not worn at the wedding.
It‘s not just about bullying, imagine trying to potty train the kid. „Let‘s go pee in the potty“ when the parent is called potty will lead to confusion
Depending on cultural background, I think Baba could be a good gender neutral parent name. I know in China it is used for a father and in Russia for a grandmother so i think it could go either way if you dont have those connotations as a part of your own culture
Tagging on, I'm an enby that is comfortable with male/man pronouns/honorifics so my kids will have the option of calling me DaMa/PaMa (as a mix of dada/papa and mama) or calling me papa, dada while my husband will be dad and father if the kids choose to use more male sounding titles
Omg, PomPom is a Hungarian cartoon character! They're a little brown blob that can take any shape they want. In every episode, PomPom meets a little girl and tells stories to her! That is so adorable!
That is so cute! Pom/ Pomma even sounds like a combo of Pop & Mom/ Papa & Mama. Plus, it should be easy for a little one to say since it incorporates the same sounds as traditional gendered parent nicknames.
The story with the "tough love" son really did hit at home here tho. My mother is kind of the same in a way - whenever I'd need anything from her she'd yell at me, scream at me, all that - and then she complains about me not wanting to involve her in things. (Well I guess theres also the addition of transphobia but you get the idea)
I feel this. My parents are emotionally immature and couldn’t handle me going to them with ANY problem without completely snapping… and now they’re confused and upset because I don’t come to them for help anymore. Gee, I wonder why.
Not quite the same, but similar here. My mother would never play with us. She was always too busy. She sent us away time and time again. She'd only have time for her kids if we needed something she was obligated by law to provide- hungry, injured, etc. But then she got hurt when we realized anytime we got a new toy, we'd immediately run to our father to play with him instead of her, and the only things we'd go to her for were those needs. The logic is astounding. Definitely "you reap what you sew" there.
this whole thing about the son and the tough love parenting sounds really serious honestly. this is about a lifetime of trauma for him. childhood shapes who we are for the rest of our lives.
For Tommy's friend, maybe find a good acronym. My nibling's grandfather calls himself OGO (standing for Oh Great One) and the (mostly grown now) kids have all called him "O" or "OGO" since they were tots. Also. Kids will call you what they call you. You can try to guide them, but ultimately they will decide.
Agreed on kids calling you what they decide to call you. When my half brother was about 8-9 he started calling his mom by her first name. I found it odd (and maybe a bit rude, according to how I was brought up) but his mother was cool so why not. I also have called my father Papoul and Poulpappap at some moments growing up. Not sure where it came from!
I wouldn't be surprised if the son in the tough love post did fall down the sigma grindset rabbit hole, but even if he did, OP and her husband made that soil fertile for those seeds. It's not unusual for a lot of young men who fall into that stuff to have this exact upbringing. By trying to make them "tough", the parents have left them shockingly vulnerable to manipulation.
I commiserate with the son in the tough love story. It is infuriating when someone like parents try to act like you have a relationship that doesn't actually exist. It sounds to me if the parents want to have a relationship with their older son, they're going to build it from the ground up. Not just shortcut to the end
This. I was seeing a lot of my own parents in that story - between explaining all the ways kiddo has told them that he wants to be seen by them, but insisting that they need to make him accept *their* way of showing love for him, and then insisting that it's their hurt feelings over the whole matter that are the important issue. I'm sure there's a whole lot that isn't being said in that story, one way or the other.
I normally never reply but I always had the term Moddy in my head whenever I think of an nb parent. I also saw Pommy in the comments and I actually really think it's cute. I hope OP will read these comments and find terms they will be happy with^^
Moddy was the default term used for all parents in a webcomic I read, set in a world where everyone starts life as genderfluid - literally having two distinct bodies, one male, one female - until they have to choose which body they prefer by their 21st birthday, letting the other body die. Everyone also used they/them pronouns and the title Mx. by default, and Rachel struggled to get her parent to refer to her with she/her. It's free on WEBTOON for anyone who wants to check it out; I think it's called Fluidum, or something similar to that. I have only just now considered the hell that would be having to birth two bodies for every baby. We're shown the trauma of teens losing a body early, but what would it be like to lose a body as an infant? Or in utero? I might have just ruined that story for myself.
In terms of the parents struggling with their 19 year old, there were some things that stood out to me. 1. We got no definition of what strict and tough love means to the parents in question. Parenting has gotten significantly gentler in recent years, and so I can imagine even a structured, no nonsense approach to parenting might seem strict by today’s standards. 2. OP said she is 39, so she would have been 20 when she had her son. As a second wave child to a mother who had a child when they were 20…my mum was way gentler with us than my brother. Thinking about myself at 20 or even OP’s son just one year shy, you don’t know as much as you’re sure you do and, I have found, you let go of some of your stronger/harsher notions of how things ‘should be’ as you realise that life is just gonna keep happening. Likely, OP figured some stuff out between 20 and 26 when she had her younger son. 3. It sounds like OP’s son is struggling but he doesn’t want their help. I would say, all you can do is keep being there. Celebrate him for things that aren’t achievements, though maybe nothing big as he’s not responding well to that. Make sure he knows you’re nonjudgmentally available to him if he needs you (and then actually be there if he needs you). Give him the space to figure out who he is now and, within reason, cop some of his attitude on the chin. I would also second Shaaba’s point; talk to him. Like, a real talk. Sit down with him and let him know that you understand how things were, that you’re an imperfect person and you were unrealistic in your expectations of him. Apologise. Then let him know that you would like to work on changing the relationship you share with him now, to one of mutual respect. Let him know that he can be a driver in those changes because he is an adult now, you know you can’t get back his childhood but there is a lot of life to go. Then give him space to talk about his feelings or go away and think about it or whatever he needs to do. I think it would also be worth acknowledging that you recognise he seeks out his Aunty for some of these things and if that is easier or more comfortable for him, you fully and unreservedly support that. I would also reach out to the aunty. Don’t ask her to tell you what they talk about but let her know what you’re working on and see if she would be willing to support that change. Also, let her know you’re thankful for her support of the kiddo, that you maybe didn’t give when he was younger and that he doesn’t want to receive now. Essentially, let him steer the ship and take his time. Give some grace to your younger self, who didn’t know better. And work slowly.
Just buy your own groceries. I’ve literally never seen it work with roommates to split food costs. Maybe have a house tip jar someone can grab from to buy, like, salt spices toilet paper etc. things that are true communal use. Ffs FAMILIES fight about who ate the last ice cream bar, roommates without deep relational ties will quickly fall apart over these kinds of resentments building up over time. Buy your own food.
For the first one. I once (and never again) went out to dinner at a restaurant with a group of people. Not my friends, it was a celebration and I knew one or two and was aquainted with the rest. It was a newly opened restaurant and someone was friends with the owner so everything on the menu basically got sent out to our table to share and taste. I have celiacs and also don't eat meat AND no one had told me about this arrangement and I was on a budget (all of which the person who invited me knew, they said they just wanted me to share in the celebration), so I asked to see the menue and ordered a seperate meal from there that wasn't shared with anyone because I didn't want to risk contamination. Afterwards when the bill was gonna be payed I was asked for my "fair share" that amounted to 3,5 x (!) what I actually ordered and ate. I simply said "hell no, you know I only ate what I ordered separately, so take this amount off the whole and then split the rest among yourselves. They said "what about drinks?" I told them I only had a glass of water that was free because I don't drink alcohol (which the rest of them did) so NO, don't even try. There were some pissed off faces in the crowd when they all had to pay a lot more of a sudden. I think I paid around 15 pounds for my meal and all the other had to pay 50-55 pounds PLUS drinks. The sad thing is that 2 people out of maybe 7 really went in on the food (said they had prepared by arriving hungry, they obvisouly knew more than me about the intended setup) and should probably have paid more than their "fair share" and the other 5 (excluding me) paid more. I think, unless someone is paying the whole bill or if you know you all eat basically the same, bills/food reciepts should be split according to what you actually ate. And to want someone that can't eat some stuff pay for them anyway is just not ok, no matter if it is meat, gluten or dairy or whatever. For a single meal at home or for a weekend away you might be able to pull your resources and shop and make the meals together but then you should meal plan together beforehand as well so that all of the meals should be made so everyone can eat and if someone wants sth on the side then they can pay for that themselves. I have a lot of experience with different entitled people and also people who just don't think, because of my dietary requirements. So this really triggered sth in me 😂
Oh my stars, you had the most amazing timing with this video. I'm having dinner with my father tonight for my son's birthday. I realized recently that my father truly doesn't know me, so he clearly won't understand the type of problem solving we do in our own home. The saying, "you don't bake a cake and then get mad that it isn't a trifle," was exactly what I needed to hear. My father, through a great deal of neglect and calls for perfection, never knew me, and still doesn't know me today. Forget baking a cake and then expecting a trifle; my mother made a freaking awesome pie, and he still expected a cake when he decided it be in my life again.
I feel bad for the "tough love" son. His parents raised him to be an insensitive jerk and now they're hurt that he's an insensitive jerk. Did they never celebrate his birthday when he was younger? Why does he not accept birthdays or gifts? I also feel bad for any significant other this son might have in the future. If he's not against relationships, that is.
This is just a theory partly based on my own experience as well, but if son is so achievement-oriented, that and the anti-birthday thing could both be tied into the same type of insecurity and/or trauma response. For me it was a narcissistic parent for whom I was never good enough - I still have reasons I'm uncomfortable celebrating my birthday even as an adult but when that feeling started as a teenager, it was definitely rooted in feeling like it was something I hadn't "earned." Constantly being met with reproach rather than support taught me that I had to work for everything I had, and I hadn't worked towards or chosen to be born, so what did birthdays have to do with me? Likewise, if everything I did was wrong, then clearly there was no inherent value in my existence, so what was the point of celebrating it? And so on. With or without the narcissism I had to deal with, if son's parents have been "tough love" for most of his life... he might be feeling the same way. I think Shaaba's right in that, even if there is some outside influence helping it along at this point, a lot of kiddo's actions and attitudes are a direct result of the way he was parented.
My aunt and uncle custom ordered a bunch of M&Ms in their wedding colors with their names and the date (i think? i don’t remember vividly) that they had in little bowls as table decorations at the reception. It was a really cute way to have those specific details for the day without having a bunch of waste leftover! iirc, they let guests take home the rest of the M&Ms at the end of the night :)
I know it wasn't the point of the post but from what little we've got, I'm also inclined to side with the bride's grandma. Older people tend to move faster in relationships (whether it's because they're aware of having less time, they want to be afforded more security, or just that they have a better idea of what they want) and you can't really judge their relationship timelines by the standards of a much younger person. I understand that the bride and her mom have their own feelings on the matter, but at least to me, this doesn't feel like a reason to burn the bridge. Much less demand to leave the custom necklace behind in someone else's property and not pay back the bridesmaid who generously commissioned the necklaces all out of spite to the grandma.
I agree about the grandma not being in the wrong. If she met a lovely gentleman who made her feel happy and is a good companion in life, that is great for them. People shouldn’t be lonely or deny themselves to connect with other humans. If I passed away I also wouldn’t want my partner to feel obliged to stay single forever; just because you find new love doesn’t mean you forget a previous partner, especially not if that person passed away after years of happiness together. At the same time I also don’t think the bride or mother of the bride are wrong for their feelings. Maybe they still miss the grandfather a lot and it is hard for them to see another man is the grandmother’s life. A year can feel short to some people. There is nothing wrong with having feelings. But it is sad that their feelings are causing them to be at odds with grandma and to (at least in part) exclude her from an important moment such as the wedding of her grand-daughter.
Im nonbinary but a little more masc leaning. I came out and started socially transitioning after my first child, but before my second. After doing a lot of googling, I felt most comfortable with the term "poppy". I liked that it was cute, reminded me of the flower, but in the language sounds a bit more masculine and can be shortened to pop. I know a lot of people automatically think its spelled like papí, which i honestly didnt think about at first, but it doesnt bother me terribly. And my first child took to the name very quickly. They were 3 when I changed the name, so I was worried; but it only took them about a week to only be referring to me as poppy.
Regarding wedding day specific gifts. I was a groomsman at my brother's wedding like 2 years ago and he gave me boxers with groomsman on them and cufflinks with groomsman and the date and they've both sat at the bottom of a drawer in my room basically ever since. Nobody would really care if i did but I'm unlikely to ever wear them again at this point lol. Gifts like these are good on the day but useless afterwards. The necklace the girl got for those in the wedding on the other hand was much more something you can reuse so it was really nice gift she got for them and expensive
What bugs me most about the tough love story is that mum doesn't talk about any concerns for her older sons feelings. Like she is hurt he doesn't want her affection, she feels sorry for dad and younger brother but is she worried about older sons wellbeing? Is she in any way glad he at least has aunt, or just jealous? Maybe she does care and is just bad at articulating it, but that was a bit weird...
That one with the parent hit close to home. It’s really hard to have a parent push you into the deep end then when you learn to swim they’re suddenly offering to pull you out like WTF
My favorite gender-neutral parent titles will forever be "This One" and "The Other One". They come from this adorable little boy with two moms and I love it so much.
Two of my friends were talking one day. Friend 1's daughter was about to have a baby and Friend 2 asked what grandparent title she was planning to use. Friend 1 said a word that means Grandma in the indigenous language she has roots in. Friend 2, who grew up in Japan, fell on the floor laughing, apparently that name sounds very similar to the Japanese word for "poopy, but cute poopy like a little baby." I'm not sure if she went ahead with it or found another title. Honestly, probably fine in that case, how often are you going to be in a room with people who are fluent in both languages?
For the last one - sometimes You get so fixated about an idea that you don't see the most obvious things that can go wrong with it. In my opinion if you like and value the people who came with the problematic thing it is your duty to tell them.
For the last story, can they maybe do Noddy and Pod? Shorten it and make a less mockable name? Or Noddy and Poppy? It reduces the "stress" of having to come up with something new.
@@carr0760 I was thinking, since OP is getting flack for giving them the added stress of having to come up with new nicknames, it might help to not have to change as much. And Noddy doesn't sound as bad as Poddy/Potty.
I though that at first too but then it occurred to me that they might not realize that OP had paid for the necklaces and was just trying to keep it because they were leaving it.
I thought so too. Not a thief because OP paid for the necklace so it is her actual property at this point. Thief implies the necklace belongs to the bride, which makes no sense as the bride rejected the necklace. I guess morally bankrupt is a matter of perspective. I say let grandma be in love and enjoy her new relationship. I always find it super cute and awesome when older people find love again. It’s very sad that the granddad died but I also don’t think grandma deserves to stay lonely forever. But I can also see how the bride and mother of the bride may still miss the granddad a lot and feel it is too soon to move on. I don’t think they are wrong to have feelings, but it is sad that the grandma is being in this way excluded from the wedding of her grandchild.
Exactly, if it was my grandma I'd be happy for her... there's a slight possibility that the guy she's with might be the problem though, if he's unpleasant/bigoted, taking advantage/abusive, something like that, but there's no mention of that and the family seem pretty unreasonable so it seems unlikely.
@@s.a.4358im also wondering how much of the anger at gma is a loop feed between bride and mom. Shes “forgiven” but you dont want to acknowledge her in any way. And yes, obviously things change if he is a terrible person.
The last one - names are always a huge point of anxiety for parents, it comes up many times at my workplace. Also the other issue is, language evolves. For example because of my boss' surname, his name gets shortened to POG in documents. If he were in school in 2024, he'd probably get called poggers or pog champ and laughed at, but when he was growing up that word didn't exist. So you can only do the best you can and trust your decision and appreciate any insight others around you give. I don't appreciate the friend saying OP caused them anxiety and made them panic about choosing new names to be called by.
The non-binary parent names are a great idea, but as other's have mentioned, you will want to pick names that babies can use. But the best idea would be to pick something that a three year old with use, but by the time they are 5 or 7, will have grown to something else. Something like Ba can become Batti and Doh and become Doram. So the parent would refer to the other parent by both the short and long forms,so that the child would always know that the short form was short for something else.
Just to add to the parenting one- they have two kids. While repairing their relationship with the older one, they also have a chance to do better in how they raise the younger one.
For the last story: I'm NB and one option that I got from a video game is Poppy (which sounds similar to the original but without the "potty" humor lol). I like it cuz I'm trans masc and it feels similar to Papa. I wonder if the people who are mad at OP in this story have another root for their anger. It could be that they're upset because they think OP isn't showing enough support or interest. This could be helped if OP suggested a term or clarified that they're supportive of their friend being an NB parent. I always try to provide a compliment sandwich when I give advice. (Example: I think it's great that you're raising your kids to be their authentic selves. The name Potty though has some odd connotations with it. Regardless, I think you'll be a wonderful parent.)
She isn't?! Great! I just skipped ahead when I saw her prepare for reading because I can't deal with the slurpy sound effects 😂 Otherwise I don't mind the stories and mostly don't bother skipping well made sponsorship sections.
So one of my first ever roommates that I ever shared any groceries with came up with a better idea. She realized that we might not eat the same things or the same amounts, so rather than split the cost of all the foods, we'd split the foods that we both used(milk, butter, flour, bread, pb, jelly, etc), but each buy the things for ourselves that the other wasn't going to eat. We made sure to discuss which things those were and whose turn it was by going shopping together once a week, which usually happened at the 24 hour grocery store on the way home from the dance club on Saturday night, since then we mostly had the store to ourselves and could take our time while winding down. It worked wonderfully, because as we shopped we could discuss if something one person picked out was something the other person would want to eat, and if so it went in to the split cost section of the cart instead of the mine or hers section.
RE last story. My kids were/are teenagers now as I'm coming out as trans. There are Reasons why opposite gender binary terms don't work for our family. We've settled on "parent" (Google suggests 'par' or 'per' as diminuatives, both of which kids and I hate) and "mad" as a hybrid of mom/dad. One of the teenagers defaults to "mad hatter" when feeling snarky, which I personally find delightful. "mather," "mad," "maddy" falls easiest on my ears but I think one of the reasons a quick stop in the search engines yields so many different options is precisely because words hit the ear so differently.
That cow sound really got me while I was listening to this with ear buds! 😂 Also this video made me realize how Shaaba remains so open during these reddit videos even when scenarios bring up feelings for her. Shaaba, thank you for not going sour over the state of some people's choices. I appreciate how hard you work to be genuine and honor yourself in your analysis.
I called my parents by their first names (or the babyfied version of them, babyfication done by me as a baby and forgotten about until it was a nostalgic memory brought up by my parents) until I was 5 and started copying the mommy and daddy thing from other kids. Later (couple years ago in my 20s) it turned out they were both women. I call them both by first name now but when talking to someone who doesn't know them, I call them both "my mom" and which one I mean depends on the context.
I'm pretty shocked they managed to decide on potty without noticing that it's literally the same word as for kids needing to use the bathroom 😅 I see a lot of suggestions for baba as a neutral word, though it really depends on culture. If they're, say, American, they could use baba or ama/ada as gender neutral, but if they were middle eastern, they would absolutely be gendered words since those are literally what may be used by families from there (I believe they are Arabic but I learned them from a fiction book so I may be totally off). Essentially though I think it's important to use words that are original and don't necessarily draw on other languages just to have something that is nongendered to you specifically.
I'm surprised by the number of people suggesting baba because that is a baby bottle. It's what kids call it when they're learning how to talk Because bottle is way too hard.
@@carr0760 I think that's definitely something you'd have to have had siblings much younger than you or already be a parent to know that though. Definitely not something that would have occurred to me! I'm not sure what Shaaba's demographic is but I don't think many of them are parents overall?
@@carr0760 Ah, well I'm glad you have that knowledge 😅 I don't think it's necessarily common knowledge though considering like you said the number of people suggesting it
Maybe the parents weren't planning on using the word potty for any toilet stuff. I know it's a commonly used way to say it, but it's not the only way, and they may not have grown up hearing it. For all we know they could not even be native English speakers and might raise the child in another language. I don't have a lot of experience with small kids, but I work with dogs, and you'd be surprised how creative people can be when it comes to toilet words 🤣 So I can only assume it's the same for adults with human kids too! Still better to not choose a word that has odd connotations, just trying to understand how they might never have even thought of it before the friends mentioned it.
Shaaba, thank you for making this video. I really appreciate your take about how you have seen a very strict parent change and parent someone else differently. I am in such a similar situation and was not really able to understand how I felt about it and the way you have explained that really helped me - thank you xxxxx
Ooof, reading between the lines and pulling from my own experience, it sounds like the "tough love" parents were abusive. If they truly have mended their ways, they have a lot of work to do to prove that change to their son and gain his trust. Being angry that his parents aren't being consistent with how they were when he was younger makes sense and him withdrawing from family celebrations does, too. They traumatized this poor kid.
1. I have a lot of food issues, but I especially try to avoid too many over-processed or irresponsibly sourced foods. I'd always want to shop separately from housemates for the simple reasons that I'm very particular and I try very hard to be a concious consumer and don't want someone else's purchases on my conscience. Unless you were raised exactly the same and have very similar diets, it just makes sense to purchase food separately. 2. The world would be a much more navigable place if everone were a little bit autistic. The mother and bride were being irrational and over-emotional at every step, from trying to dictate grandma's grief timeline, to the entire necklace debacle. If either of them could take a step back and think about things from other points of view, they could've saved a lot of hassle. 3. The elder son sounds a lot like me at that age. My parents weren't strict and were affectionate, but they were also very judgemental and showed a clear disdain for my weaknesses. They're much more accommodating of my younger brother, which caused some resentment and lead me to fill the role of "toughening him up". My dad has come a long way learning about neurodivergence and can be softer, but I can barely get through a conversation with him because how pathetic I am, it's him who takes everything as a personal attack. And I still get really frustrated at meek people because I was once really vulnerable and anxious (and still am inside), but I was forced to bury it and adapt, so when I see it being coddled it stirs up a lot of resentment. 4. See #2. OP used clear communication and was perfectly rational. His instinctual response to laugh was a perfect example of his point. The people criticizing him are nutty and need to just be rational!
For the last one, potty also means crazy, so I feel like on two fronts it's just a terrible idea. If the kid doesn't get made fun of for their parent being named after a toilet it'll be because their parents is crazy. Definitely back to the drawing board for these names!
The parents have not grown, they are the asshole and will always be unless they recognise what they did. They say "oh he hurt his FATHER'S FEELINGS" "oh he hurt MY feelings" while not realising they were the ones who taught him to hurt feelings. Boohoo your feelings are hurt by the child you emotionally abused. Huge surprise
The bride & MOTB were treating the necklace like it was just trash by insisting OP leave it behind like refuge. As a millenial raised on Jim Henson, I think Not the Momma is a great nb parent name! Jk, but ya, "Potty" got an authentic, public reaction from OP & it's a TERRIBLE term for anyone you love. Maddy itself is a good name for a gender neutral parent name, though, as its a combo of Mother & Daddy, or maybe Naddy? If the partner also has a short name with a similar sound, just going with their first names might be the best until the kid themselves are old enough to brainstorm a name they want to call their parents?
I'm coeliac and hell no i wouldn't be paying for food I can't even eat. If people told me that I'd ask to have the price of the bread/non gluten-free cards taken off my share. And if it kept going I'd tell them not to buy for me at all
Just wanted to say congrats on 150k Shaaba! You are a wonderful person with such insightful advice. You remind us all that there is so much positivity to be found in the world and in ourselves. Here's to you and all the lovely people that make up this community! (Also your music is gorgeous. Source - a musician, kinda) 💖🎉
In regards to the mum being annoyed at the son for not accepting her trying to repair their relationship; I can understand the frustration, but she also doesn’t seem to be respecting her son’s autonomy. He is almost an adult and even if he wasn’t, relationships are a two-way street. If he doesn’t want to have a close relationship with you, he should not be guilt-tripped into performing closeness that he doesn’t feel comfortable with, and if he did, this would likely not solve the issues, but lead to greater tensions in the future. The son saying that some things don’t matter and it’s his achievements that matter could be considered his telling the mum what he is comfortable with. Perhaps birthdays just feel awkward and forced in the way that they are so socially proscribed in terms of relationships and reactions; but he is suggesting that he would be open to the parents supporting and celebrating things in his life which matter to him. This would seem to me to be less of a conventional relationship, perhaps more of an adult relationship than parent-child - which makes sense for a 17yo to be seeking - and would respect and acknowledge who he is as a person, and the parents support of him, than something that society says parents and children ought to do, with all the emotional baggage that brings with it.
25:34 Yes, 100%! We all have room to learn and grow. Give grace to those who have put in the time and effort to grow, because so many people never even consider they have room for improvement.
Is it wrong of me to think it's not necessarily a bad thing to be "insecure" about not causing your kid to be bullied? Within reason of course bc you can't control everything
If you name your kid "Poopyhead" you will cause them bullying and strife down the line. Asshole move. Teaching your kid to call you something that will almost certainly get them teased and laughed at is definitely a bad move, too. Personally, I would much rather my friends warn me about these issues before they happen. Imagine how upset you'd feel if your kid got bullied for a choice *you* made for them. That's not fair to them at all. Definitely NTA for making it very clear why you thought the name was a bad idea.
@@animeartist888 Even if the kid doesn't get bullied, it's gonna be a confusing term for them - what happens when they go to preschool and the teacher tells them to go potty? It was 100% a valid issue to bring up, and whether that became an insecurity for the parent is on the parent. (And I really take issue with the partner calling it an "unnecessary insecurity," nearly all insecurities are unnecessary anyway but this was purely brought up as something to consider)
For the enby parent one: you are going to have stress no matter what. Every good parent does. My mom gave me a very normal name but gave it an odd spelling. She did it with the best of intentions, normal spelling had a silent letter and she thought that would be hard for a kid when learning their name. But it has created issues in my life. Not horrible ones. She was more than willing to stick with it and it worked out. But it is always good to see the other angles and be aware of them. Whether you continue or not is up to you, not up to the person who showed you the angle. Like when you get a dog, people ask if you are able to afford vet visits and willing to pick up poop. If that stops you from getting a dog then you weren’t ready and that isn’t their fault.
I agree Tommy. Being a friend is not always easy and opening their eyes was the right thing to do :) Maybe Pommy could work? Yea, first story I wouldn't have really said anything and paid the 40 "fair share" and then just let them know I would be buying my groceries when the next grocery trip would be getting closer. I mean you're still going to buy your gluten-free stuff, it would be easier. Or else make sure to go with them on the next trip and see if they would be willing to buy your stuff. It should equal things pretty well since gluten-free stuff is usually way more expensive. But yea that is totally not fair. But I wouldn't have made a fuss on the first grocery split with people I will live with. NTA but need to learn a little more about sharing I guess. I would have reasoned the same way when I was 18 tbf but life teaches you to juggle this stuff better and not create too much drama, especially in your home. And I know money might be tight for an 18 year old but still not worth the drama. Neclace one: OMG!! Biggest NTD ever!! They should have realized right away no matter how dramatic it has been with grandma and asked OP if they wanted to keep the necklace or if they wanted the bride to keep it and give it to someone else! Even if it was a random, normal gift. You don't just leave it behind as if it was trash! What is wrong with people!? The one for the tough love. Not sure how far the tough love went and maybe it's a YTD maybe it's a NDH situation depending on the degree of tough love. But to the posts saying why do you care: tough love is still LOVE! It may scare and hurt and yes, Shaaba is saying she needed years of therapy and is still going trough it. But it is all done because they care! It's what they believed the best parenting is. It's not like they abandoned their child and not cared for him. Tough love more often than not is tough on the parents too AND in small doses it is really helpful to build up character. So basically what I am trying to say, yes they care! They always cared! And the opposite of tough love is just as bad! Parenting is hard and it doesn't come with instructions, unfortunately! Hopefully, with time they will fix what they broke. I would say the first step is apologizing and discussions. Just changing your ways and being an alien to the child will for sure not fix it.
Gender neutral parent terms: Parent/Par/Pari/Pear/Peary/Ren/Renny/Renna Nommy/Nom/Nama/Noddy/Nod/Napa Pama/Pommy/Pami/Mapa/Pama/Dama/Maddy/Mad (yes I've actually seen someone use mad lol!) Guardian/Garnie And I've even seen one parent use Meme when they came out to their older child!
Hi! I really enjoy the way you (and Jamie) discuss these aita posts, you and the red flag green flag guy might be my favorite channels who do this on youtube. BUT there is something I must comment on: your hair is flipping GORGEOUS and keeps distracting me (in a good way). I think the contrast between the dark and pink along with the soft fade suits you so well and makes you look like a fairy. Is it a hassle to keep it up? Do you bleach and color it yourself or do you go to a hairdresser? may I ask how often you have to recolor the pink? I would love to do something like that myself mostly cause I have an allergy that prevents me from coloring my hair roots but everytime I’ve gotten colors done at a salon it cost so much money only to fade out after like two weeks :(. I’m a bit nervous to color and bleach by myself at home cause I’ve read/seen proper horror stories. Can you maybe share your experiences on that matter?
Hey I don't know anything about your hair and I am not Shaaba but I wanted to say Smosh's reddit readings are also generally wholesome and enjoyable as well :) if you wanted more feel good content in a similar vein I personally also really like this and the flag guy you mentioned!
Me and my fiance split out groceries like we split rent. But for a roomate? You pay for your own stuff. Gotta communicate it though. Get it in writing or such and pay this time and then stick to the new agreement. Stay safe out there. 🎉
On the tough love story I am with you on hoping for the future. He is still young. Yes the YTD badge is right, but if they continue to show they have changed and as he grows up a little he may be more forgiving.
For the last one, I suggest letting the child come up with their own nicknames since as much as we want to guide kids towards using certain nicknames or terms for us, they will decide that on their own
One of my favourite alternatives for parent names has been Wawa for a while. The original context I saw it in was a meme, but it is actually super nice and conforms to what kids can say fast
my nb sibling is using zizi for themself for the baby. there's so many cute things structured like mama/papa/mommy/daddy that aren't already english words for other things
I feel like you could look up what the word ‘parent’ is in a variety of languages both real and fictional, and give some consideration of them or a modification of them (obviously care needs to be taken around anything that could seem like cultural appropriation) for alternatives to mum/dad. Maybe ask some people from those language groups? I’m not a speaker of these languages, but pai (Portuguese) seems easy to say, and ‘ontar’ could be a general neutral form of the two elvish words for parent?
You said it would have been fine for them to keep it that way but the same way I would call someone the AH for naming their kid potty, I would almost put the same badge on this way around. That’s just mean to the kid, kids are savage enough amongst themselves, don’t name your kid or make your kid say ridiculous things in front of their peers for Christ’s sake…
There are so many ways to donate something why would you leave a necklace somewhere? I somewhat understand the friend being angry over the necklace being taken, but no matter how you look at it if you don't trust a friend not to do something you've asked them not to do why are you even friends, especially such close friends? If I asked a friend not to do something I would trust them not to. If that trust was broken that's how that ends, not over me not giving them that trust in the first place.
Don’t split groceries. For the few common shared things like spices, milk, and eggs- “you get it this time, I’ll get it next time” so long as you use it evenly. If someone uses 1 egg and the other eats the remaining 11, the 1 egger can just let the other have something of theirs lol
In the wedding necklace story, I'm right on the edge between not the drama and no drama here. Depending on how far emotional charged reactions on a wedding, have to go to qualify as drama. O p is certainly in the right and the bride and the bride's family are in the the wrong, but whether that makes them the drama, it's borderline.
Potty and Naughty are absolutely not the sounds you’ll want to have your child refer to their parents by. Similarly, friends with a daughter, ANNA, were considering ANDY for an expected son but once Raggedy Ann and Andy was referred to they quickly recognized the potential issues and made another choice.
26:10 I love that you can see a positive way forward and allowing people to grow and change. I'm so glad I've grown and changed in life, how awful if we all got stuck at a certain age and had to keep those same opinions forever. Imagine everyone thinking like they did at say age 15 *shudder*.
Final story: Putting aside the possibility of childhood bullying (kids really suck at times), using the term Potty would lead to a whole lot of confusion. When it comes time to toilet train the little one, what would the parents call the thing they use to toilet train? And if they plan to send the little one to daycare, that could lead to a whole host of issues. Best to choose a term that is 1 easy for babies to use and 2 isn't connected to a thing young children use.
For the last story: if the pair are American, “Noddy” will also sound like “naughty”, another word used in child-rearing that a teacher might say.
Also, from a linguistic perspective: you’re throwing a lot of alveolar sounds around (n, t, d), which will be harder for babies to say - the reason that “mama” and “baba/papa” are very common parent terms across the world is because babies usually babble their first sounds with their whole mouth opening and closing, and they only get to tongue control later.
It might be easier to let your baby name you? Listen to the sounds your baby starts saying and pick one you like for yourself? No idea if that would work in practice but it’s an option, like how babies often end up giving aunts and uncles cute names when they can’t pronounce their real names.
I always wondered why the Hebrew "abba" sounded so much to my ear like the English "dadda" even though they're entirely unrelated languages. Interesting stuff!
Speaking as someone whose parents specifically picked a name that they thought cannot be transformed into bullying material.. kids are creative little shirts.
I am an aunt, and my sister's kids all called me 'Boo' (from Brooke) and her youngest (twins) have taken to calling me 'Brookie-Boo' 😂😊
Huh the Romania is tata so I kinda though t was an early sound as well. That’s how I got one of the few nicknames (my name is not nickname friendly) I have actually my little brother could not say my name till he was like 4 1/2. My parents still call me it :)
@@the_demon_cat337 I mean the English is ‘dada’ so it’s not UNcommon for “dad” to have the alveolar d/t sounds, but I’m pretty sure in general “b/p” is preferred over “d/t” around the world. “M” sounds like “ama” for the birthing parent and then “b/p” sounds like “apa or aba” for the second parent are the most common IIRC. But yeah any version of like “Momo and Abba” or whatever could work as a way to refer to NB parents by pre-verbal babies.
It's unreasonable for the bride and mother of the bride to try and dictate what is done with a rejected gift. Once the wedding was over, I would have just given it to the grandma. Snub people with your own money, not mine.
I kinda need to to know what "tough love" meant to that OP and their husband that might make their oldest have such a seemingly extreme mindset
I agree. The post didn't really tell any specifics about the parenting, so it's hard to make any proper judgement, if it's the parents fault. As Shaaba mentioned, I would be very concerned about outside influence.
Thank you! I was wondering this the whole time. Compared to significantly freer styles of parenting that are happening now my own upbringing might be considered strict/tough love but I honestly think it was just structured.
I would have liked more specifics as well, but the phrase "tough love" usually implies a lack of understanding and grace. It may be that there are other influences at play, but now OP and her husband cannot be a countermeasure because their son does not trust them or feel close to them emotionally.
ive heard of ren/renny being used as an enby alternative as a short version of parent (pa-REN-t)
Oooh I love that
This is great! Though I also like Perry or Parry (from the Par part)! They could teach the kid both, like one for each parent. Parry and Renny!
Love ren / renny as well as parry / perry. Thank you for the teaching moment both of you!
in swedish, päron (meaning pear!) have been taken as a gender neutral alternative, based on the english word parent! i think it's so adorable tbh
For non-binary parents, one option is just using your first name. My mother's not NB, she just doesn't like the word "mom" so me and all my siblings have always called her by name.
Also works great for someone with same gender parents.
Groceries should never be split evenly. Ever.
Right?! Like, it’s not like utilities. Food preferences/needs/restrictions/etc. are _incredibly_ individual, so it only makes sense to just buy your own groceries, not split costs.
Splitting grocery costs seems like a guaranteed way to start arguing with your roommates constantly! It sounds like a nightmare, honestly. 😅
The way my mouth fell open with that story. Everyone will eat different amounts at wildly different price points. Buy your own groceries and save yourself and your roommates a lot of dissent.
I dont eat much, and eat cheap food. $20 maybe $30 can last me a week. I had roommates who could spend anywhere from $100-300 a week. And they were such fat asses they would eat MY food WITHOUT asking. Grrrr. Needless to say we aren't roommates anymore.
Absolutely completely agree. Never ever ever evenly split food groceries. There are dietary, monetary, and consumption/preference differences and changes. It’s all around not something to try and split evenly.
My brother and I split the grocerie cost when we can, but that's because we've lived together my whole life, we have similar tastes, and we cook big meals to split instead of individual ones. I would not split groceries with anyone other than him, it just seems like it'd be too much work to fairly split with someone who isn't super similar in means of taste.
That son rejecting his mom: I relate to him, and it's why I'm no contact with my mom. Her attempts to be in my adulthood the parent I should have had as a kid... I couldn't bear it. I learned at age 9 that I can't trust her to support or protect or care about me, and it kept being reinforced. I don't hate her. It's just that I find it hard to relate to who she is now. I don't trust that it's not a mask, or a trap. If that rift could be closed, it would take more time than I'm willing to give, cuz there's so much left for me to forgive. That mom is the drama, but I think the best way she can change that is not forcing that bond.
For the necklace one, the friend and her mom don't care about the waste because they didn't pay for it!! So entitled of them to expect OP to just throw it away
And it's also so shortsighted of them! Don't they think it's even remotely possible they might actually be on good terms with grandma someday and want to give it to her then? I did not like my grandma but I could see myself giving her a gift to spite her because it makes me look like the bigger person lol
If OP paid for the necklace it's HER gift to give to the grandma or keep or whatever she wants to do with it.
If Bride or her Mom reimbursed her for it they could do whatever THEY like with it. (Leaving it behind would likely cause more communication with B&B host, so I agree that's not the best choice.)
I agree. Technically it is OP’s gift to every person, not the bride’s. Yes it is for the occasion of the friend’s wedding, but the gift is coming from OP.
I do hope the bride didn’t make it seem like any of the necklaces were gifted by her and made it know to all (bridesmaids, etc) that it was a very kind gift from OP.
Also, until a gift is given it is still your property. For whatever reason one may decide to not give a certain gift and that is okay. It doesn’t even have to be a negative reason, it can be that the gift doesn’t seem the best option anymore for whatever reason.
This may be an unpopular opinion but I think OP would even be entitled to give the necklace to the grandma after the wedding, just making sure it is not worn at the wedding.
It‘s not just about bullying, imagine trying to potty train the kid. „Let‘s go pee in the potty“ when the parent is called potty will lead to confusion
Depending on cultural background, I think Baba could be a good gender neutral parent name. I know in China it is used for a father and in Russia for a grandmother so i think it could go either way if you dont have those connotations as a part of your own culture
Just don't use it in Japan 😅
Baba is a term used for grandma in the Ukraine as well.
@@thumbsarehandy. what does it mean in Japan?
Baba is a baby bottle. Babies will ask for their baba.
Baba or some variation thereof is used for dad in many different languages so idk
Also enby here, if I ever have kids I like zaza or baba instead of mom or dad
Tagging on, I'm an enby that is comfortable with male/man pronouns/honorifics so my kids will have the option of calling me DaMa/PaMa (as a mix of dada/papa and mama) or calling me papa, dada while my husband will be dad and father if the kids choose to use more male sounding titles
zaza also has kinda unfortunate connotations lol but you do you
@@AstronomicalJelly unless they wanna be the cool parent in high school. "Hey, I'm the Zaza with the zaza"
@@AstronomicalJelly what are the connotations? I really like the sound of zaza but I don’t want to use it naively haha
@@thecolorjune cannabis
I've wanted to use the word "Pom" if I get to be an enby parent. Could also work at Pom Pom or Pomma.
Ooh I like that as it would be easy for a baby to pronounce and still gives parental vibes
Omg, PomPom is a Hungarian cartoon character! They're a little brown blob that can take any shape they want. In every episode, PomPom meets a little girl and tells stories to her! That is so adorable!
That is so cute! Pom/ Pomma even sounds like a combo of Pop & Mom/ Papa & Mama. Plus, it should be easy for a little one to say since it incorporates the same sounds as traditional gendered parent nicknames.
That's cute as hell!
In Australia, Pom or Pommy refers to British/English people
The story with the "tough love" son really did hit at home here tho.
My mother is kind of the same in a way - whenever I'd need anything from her she'd yell at me, scream at me, all that - and then she complains about me not wanting to involve her in things. (Well I guess theres also the addition of transphobia but you get the idea)
I feel this. My parents are emotionally immature and couldn’t handle me going to them with ANY problem without completely snapping… and now they’re confused and upset because I don’t come to them for help anymore. Gee, I wonder why.
Not quite the same, but similar here. My mother would never play with us. She was always too busy. She sent us away time and time again. She'd only have time for her kids if we needed something she was obligated by law to provide- hungry, injured, etc. But then she got hurt when we realized anytime we got a new toy, we'd immediately run to our father to play with him instead of her, and the only things we'd go to her for were those needs. The logic is astounding. Definitely "you reap what you sew" there.
this whole thing about the son and the tough love parenting sounds really serious honestly. this is about a lifetime of trauma for him. childhood shapes who we are for the rest of our lives.
For Tommy's friend, maybe find a good acronym. My nibling's grandfather calls himself OGO (standing for Oh Great One) and the (mostly grown now) kids have all called him "O" or "OGO" since they were tots. Also. Kids will call you what they call you. You can try to guide them, but ultimately they will decide.
Agreed on kids calling you what they decide to call you. When my half brother was about 8-9 he started calling his mom by her first name. I found it odd (and maybe a bit rude, according to how I was brought up) but his mother was cool so why not.
I also have called my father Papoul and Poulpappap at some moments growing up. Not sure where it came from!
I wouldn't be surprised if the son in the tough love post did fall down the sigma grindset rabbit hole, but even if he did, OP and her husband made that soil fertile for those seeds. It's not unusual for a lot of young men who fall into that stuff to have this exact upbringing. By trying to make them "tough", the parents have left them shockingly vulnerable to manipulation.
I commiserate with the son in the tough love story. It is infuriating when someone like parents try to act like you have a relationship that doesn't actually exist. It sounds to me if the parents want to have a relationship with their older son, they're going to build it from the ground up. Not just shortcut to the end
This. I was seeing a lot of my own parents in that story - between explaining all the ways kiddo has told them that he wants to be seen by them, but insisting that they need to make him accept *their* way of showing love for him, and then insisting that it's their hurt feelings over the whole matter that are the important issue. I'm sure there's a whole lot that isn't being said in that story, one way or the other.
I normally never reply but I always had the term Moddy in my head whenever I think of an nb parent. I also saw Pommy in the comments and I actually really think it's cute. I hope OP will read these comments and find terms they will be happy with^^
Moddy was the default term used for all parents in a webcomic I read, set in a world where everyone starts life as genderfluid - literally having two distinct bodies, one male, one female - until they have to choose which body they prefer by their 21st birthday, letting the other body die. Everyone also used they/them pronouns and the title Mx. by default, and Rachel struggled to get her parent to refer to her with she/her. It's free on WEBTOON for anyone who wants to check it out; I think it's called Fluidum, or something similar to that.
I have only just now considered the hell that would be having to birth two bodies for every baby. We're shown the trauma of teens losing a body early, but what would it be like to lose a body as an infant? Or in utero?
I might have just ruined that story for myself.
I thought of Paddy as well, which is similar in sound to Potty.
In terms of the parents struggling with their 19 year old, there were some things that stood out to me.
1. We got no definition of what strict and tough love means to the parents in question. Parenting has gotten significantly gentler in recent years, and so I can imagine even a structured, no nonsense approach to parenting might seem strict by today’s standards.
2. OP said she is 39, so she would have been 20 when she had her son. As a second wave child to a mother who had a child when they were 20…my mum was way gentler with us than my brother. Thinking about myself at 20 or even OP’s son just one year shy, you don’t know as much as you’re sure you do and, I have found, you let go of some of your stronger/harsher notions of how things ‘should be’ as you realise that life is just gonna keep happening. Likely, OP figured some stuff out between 20 and 26 when she had her younger son.
3. It sounds like OP’s son is struggling but he doesn’t want their help. I would say, all you can do is keep being there. Celebrate him for things that aren’t achievements, though maybe nothing big as he’s not responding well to that. Make sure he knows you’re nonjudgmentally available to him if he needs you (and then actually be there if he needs you). Give him the space to figure out who he is now and, within reason, cop some of his attitude on the chin.
I would also second Shaaba’s point; talk to him. Like, a real talk. Sit down with him and let him know that you understand how things were, that you’re an imperfect person and you were unrealistic in your expectations of him. Apologise. Then let him know that you would like to work on changing the relationship you share with him now, to one of mutual respect. Let him know that he can be a driver in those changes because he is an adult now, you know you can’t get back his childhood but there is a lot of life to go. Then give him space to talk about his feelings or go away and think about it or whatever he needs to do. I think it would also be worth acknowledging that you recognise he seeks out his Aunty for some of these things and if that is easier or more comfortable for him, you fully and unreservedly support that.
I would also reach out to the aunty. Don’t ask her to tell you what they talk about but let her know what you’re working on and see if she would be willing to support that change. Also, let her know you’re thankful for her support of the kiddo, that you maybe didn’t give when he was younger and that he doesn’t want to receive now.
Essentially, let him steer the ship and take his time. Give some grace to your younger self, who didn’t know better. And work slowly.
Just buy your own groceries. I’ve literally never seen it work with roommates to split food costs. Maybe have a house tip jar someone can grab from to buy, like, salt spices toilet paper etc. things that are true communal use. Ffs FAMILIES fight about who ate the last ice cream bar, roommates without deep relational ties will quickly fall apart over these kinds of resentments building up over time. Buy your own food.
Most room mate situations i know don't share groceries and each have their own shelf in the fridge & pantry.
Easy peasy.
For the first one. I once (and never again) went out to dinner at a restaurant with a group of people. Not my friends, it was a celebration and I knew one or two and was aquainted with the rest.
It was a newly opened restaurant and someone was friends with the owner so everything on the menu basically got sent out to our table to share and taste. I have celiacs and also don't eat meat AND no one had told me about this arrangement and I was on a budget (all of which the person who invited me knew, they said they just wanted me to share in the celebration), so I asked to see the menue and ordered a seperate meal from there that wasn't shared with anyone because I didn't want to risk contamination.
Afterwards when the bill was gonna be payed I was asked for my "fair share" that amounted to 3,5 x (!) what I actually ordered and ate. I simply said "hell no, you know I only ate what I ordered separately, so take this amount off the whole and then split the rest among yourselves. They said "what about drinks?" I told them I only had a glass of water that was free because I don't drink alcohol (which the rest of them did) so NO, don't even try.
There were some pissed off faces in the crowd when they all had to pay a lot more of a sudden. I think I paid around 15 pounds for my meal and all the other had to pay 50-55 pounds PLUS drinks. The sad thing is that 2 people out of maybe 7 really went in on the food (said they had prepared by arriving hungry, they obvisouly knew more than me about the intended setup) and should probably have paid more than their "fair share" and the other 5 (excluding me) paid more.
I think, unless someone is paying the whole bill or if you know you all eat basically the same, bills/food reciepts should be split according to what you actually ate. And to want someone that can't eat some stuff pay for them anyway is just not ok, no matter if it is meat, gluten or dairy or whatever.
For a single meal at home or for a weekend away you might be able to pull your resources and shop and make the meals together but then you should meal plan together beforehand as well so that all of the meals should be made so everyone can eat and if someone wants sth on the side then they can pay for that themselves.
I have a lot of experience with different entitled people and also people who just don't think, because of my dietary requirements. So this really triggered sth in me 😂
Oh my stars, you had the most amazing timing with this video. I'm having dinner with my father tonight for my son's birthday. I realized recently that my father truly doesn't know me, so he clearly won't understand the type of problem solving we do in our own home. The saying, "you don't bake a cake and then get mad that it isn't a trifle," was exactly what I needed to hear. My father, through a great deal of neglect and calls for perfection, never knew me, and still doesn't know me today. Forget baking a cake and then expecting a trifle; my mother made a freaking awesome pie, and he still expected a cake when he decided it be in my life again.
I feel bad for the "tough love" son. His parents raised him to be an insensitive jerk and now they're hurt that he's an insensitive jerk. Did they never celebrate his birthday when he was younger? Why does he not accept birthdays or gifts? I also feel bad for any significant other this son might have in the future. If he's not against relationships, that is.
This is just a theory partly based on my own experience as well, but if son is so achievement-oriented, that and the anti-birthday thing could both be tied into the same type of insecurity and/or trauma response. For me it was a narcissistic parent for whom I was never good enough - I still have reasons I'm uncomfortable celebrating my birthday even as an adult but when that feeling started as a teenager, it was definitely rooted in feeling like it was something I hadn't "earned." Constantly being met with reproach rather than support taught me that I had to work for everything I had, and I hadn't worked towards or chosen to be born, so what did birthdays have to do with me? Likewise, if everything I did was wrong, then clearly there was no inherent value in my existence, so what was the point of celebrating it? And so on.
With or without the narcissism I had to deal with, if son's parents have been "tough love" for most of his life... he might be feeling the same way. I think Shaaba's right in that, even if there is some outside influence helping it along at this point, a lot of kiddo's actions and attitudes are a direct result of the way he was parented.
Starting a new job today and I’m quite nervous (and excited) so this is a good way to chill out while I eat breakfast
GOOD LUCK!
@@tigerlover47 you go hon!
You got this! 💌
Break a leg bud!!
woohoo 🎉 🎉 🌟🫶
My aunt and uncle custom ordered a bunch of M&Ms in their wedding colors with their names and the date (i think? i don’t remember vividly) that they had in little bowls as table decorations at the reception. It was a really cute way to have those specific details for the day without having a bunch of waste leftover! iirc, they let guests take home the rest of the M&Ms at the end of the night :)
I know it wasn't the point of the post but from what little we've got, I'm also inclined to side with the bride's grandma. Older people tend to move faster in relationships (whether it's because they're aware of having less time, they want to be afforded more security, or just that they have a better idea of what they want) and you can't really judge their relationship timelines by the standards of a much younger person. I understand that the bride and her mom have their own feelings on the matter, but at least to me, this doesn't feel like a reason to burn the bridge. Much less demand to leave the custom necklace behind in someone else's property and not pay back the bridesmaid who generously commissioned the necklaces all out of spite to the grandma.
I agree about the grandma not being in the wrong. If she met a lovely gentleman who made her feel happy and is a good companion in life, that is great for them. People shouldn’t be lonely or deny themselves to connect with other humans. If I passed away I also wouldn’t want my partner to feel obliged to stay single forever; just because you find new love doesn’t mean you forget a previous partner, especially not if that person passed away after years of happiness together.
At the same time I also don’t think the bride or mother of the bride are wrong for their feelings. Maybe they still miss the grandfather a lot and it is hard for them to see another man is the grandmother’s life. A year can feel short to some people. There is nothing wrong with having feelings. But it is sad that their feelings are causing them to be at odds with grandma and to (at least in part) exclude her from an important moment such as the wedding of her grand-daughter.
Im nonbinary but a little more masc leaning. I came out and started socially transitioning after my first child, but before my second. After doing a lot of googling, I felt most comfortable with the term "poppy". I liked that it was cute, reminded me of the flower, but in the language sounds a bit more masculine and can be shortened to pop. I know a lot of people automatically think its spelled like papí, which i honestly didnt think about at first, but it doesnt bother me terribly. And my first child took to the name very quickly. They were 3 when I changed the name, so I was worried; but it only took them about a week to only be referring to me as poppy.
Regarding wedding day specific gifts. I was a groomsman at my brother's wedding like 2 years ago and he gave me boxers with groomsman on them and cufflinks with groomsman and the date and they've both sat at the bottom of a drawer in my room basically ever since. Nobody would really care if i did but I'm unlikely to ever wear them again at this point lol. Gifts like these are good on the day but useless afterwards. The necklace the girl got for those in the wedding on the other hand was much more something you can reuse so it was really nice gift she got for them and expensive
32:52 ok this is literally a TERRIBLE idea, but the first thing I thought when I heard 'mom and pop' was Mop ToT
The tough love with him ridiculing his younger brother doesn't get any attention. I feel this is a crucial part of information.
What bugs me most about the tough love story is that mum doesn't talk about any concerns for her older sons feelings. Like she is hurt he doesn't want her affection, she feels sorry for dad and younger brother but is she worried about older sons wellbeing? Is she in any way glad he at least has aunt, or just jealous? Maybe she does care and is just bad at articulating it, but that was a bit weird...
Omg my thoughts exactly
That one with the parent hit close to home. It’s really hard to have a parent push you into the deep end then when you learn to swim they’re suddenly offering to pull you out like WTF
This metaphor is so good omg
tough love story: she baked a cake, she changed and now prefers muffins, but she still baked a cake.
My favorite gender-neutral parent titles will forever be "This One" and "The Other One". They come from this adorable little boy with two moms and I love it so much.
Two of my friends were talking one day. Friend 1's daughter was about to have a baby and Friend 2 asked what grandparent title she was planning to use. Friend 1 said a word that means Grandma in the indigenous language she has roots in. Friend 2, who grew up in Japan, fell on the floor laughing, apparently that name sounds very similar to the Japanese word for "poopy, but cute poopy like a little baby."
I'm not sure if she went ahead with it or found another title. Honestly, probably fine in that case, how often are you going to be in a room with people who are fluent in both languages?
For the last one - sometimes You get so fixated about an idea that you don't see the most obvious things that can go wrong with it. In my opinion if you like and value the people who came with the problematic thing it is your duty to tell them.
For the last story, can they maybe do Noddy and Pod? Shorten it and make a less mockable name? Or Noddy and Poppy?
It reduces the "stress" of having to come up with something new.
Noddy also sounds like naughty, So while it's not as bad as potty, it has problems of its own.
@@carr0760 I was thinking, since OP is getting flack for giving them the added stress of having to come up with new nicknames, it might help to not have to change as much.
And Noddy doesn't sound as bad as Poddy/Potty.
wait no cuz poppy is actually such a cute name
If any theys want a mom or dad alternative I’ve been using “Dama” for myself. (Not a parent just a cat parent lol)💚✨
Ooo! I actually love that! 😃
I’ve mostly only ever heard of “Ren” (short for parent) or “Renny/Rennie”, but Dama is lovely! 😊
That “morally bankrupt thief” response must have been sarcasm, surely….surely?
I though that at first too but then it occurred to me that they might not realize that OP had paid for the necklaces and was just trying to keep it because they were leaving it.
I thought so too.
Not a thief because OP paid for the necklace so it is her actual property at this point. Thief implies the necklace belongs to the bride, which makes no sense as the bride rejected the necklace.
I guess morally bankrupt is a matter of perspective. I say let grandma be in love and enjoy her new relationship. I always find it super cute and awesome when older people find love again. It’s very sad that the granddad died but I also don’t think grandma deserves to stay lonely forever. But I can also see how the bride and mother of the bride may still miss the granddad a lot and feel it is too soon to move on. I don’t think they are wrong to have feelings, but it is sad that the grandma is being in this way excluded from the wedding of her grandchild.
Exactly, if it was my grandma I'd be happy for her... there's a slight possibility that the guy she's with might be the problem though, if he's unpleasant/bigoted, taking advantage/abusive, something like that, but there's no mention of that and the family seem pretty unreasonable so it seems unlikely.
@@s.a.4358im also wondering how much of the anger at gma is a loop feed between bride and mom. Shes “forgiven” but you dont want to acknowledge her in any way.
And yes, obviously things change if he is a terrible person.
The last one - names are always a huge point of anxiety for parents, it comes up many times at my workplace. Also the other issue is, language evolves. For example because of my boss' surname, his name gets shortened to POG in documents. If he were in school in 2024, he'd probably get called poggers or pog champ and laughed at, but when he was growing up that word didn't exist. So you can only do the best you can and trust your decision and appreciate any insight others around you give. I don't appreciate the friend saying OP caused them anxiety and made them panic about choosing new names to be called by.
The non-binary parent names are a great idea, but as other's have mentioned, you will want to pick names that babies can use. But the best idea would be to pick something that a three year old with use, but by the time they are 5 or 7, will have grown to something else. Something like Ba can become Batti and Doh and become Doram. So the parent would refer to the other parent by both the short and long forms,so that the child would always know that the short form was short for something else.
Just to add to the parenting one- they have two kids. While repairing their relationship with the older one, they also have a chance to do better in how they raise the younger one.
Isn't "Maddy" already a perfect mix between Mummy and Daddy?
Hah! Take that anxiety, shaaba uploaded!
Easy solution for the first one. Gym-bros buy their own groceries and split it in two. OP buys his own groceries, and everyone labels the food.
For the last story: I'm NB and one option that I got from a video game is Poppy (which sounds similar to the original but without the "potty" humor lol). I like it cuz I'm trans masc and it feels similar to Papa. I wonder if the people who are mad at OP in this story have another root for their anger. It could be that they're upset because they think OP isn't showing enough support or interest. This could be helped if OP suggested a term or clarified that they're supportive of their friend being an NB parent. I always try to provide a compliment sandwich when I give advice. (Example: I think it's great that you're raising your kids to be their authentic selves. The name Potty though has some odd connotations with it. Regardless, I think you'll be a wonderful parent.)
I'm so glad you're not doing the licky page turns in the surf shark ads anymore, that drove my misophonia crazy 😂
She isn't?! Great! I just skipped ahead when I saw her prepare for reading because I can't deal with the slurpy sound effects 😂 Otherwise I don't mind the stories and mostly don't bother skipping well made sponsorship sections.
I've seen Renny as an alternative and use it myself in relation to my animals.
So one of my first ever roommates that I ever shared any groceries with came up with a better idea. She realized that we might not eat the same things or the same amounts, so rather than split the cost of all the foods, we'd split the foods that we both used(milk, butter, flour, bread, pb, jelly, etc), but each buy the things for ourselves that the other wasn't going to eat. We made sure to discuss which things those were and whose turn it was by going shopping together once a week, which usually happened at the 24 hour grocery store on the way home from the dance club on Saturday night, since then we mostly had the store to ourselves and could take our time while winding down. It worked wonderfully, because as we shopped we could discuss if something one person picked out was something the other person would want to eat, and if so it went in to the split cost section of the cart instead of the mine or hers section.
RE last story. My kids were/are teenagers now as I'm coming out as trans. There are Reasons why opposite gender binary terms don't work for our family. We've settled on "parent" (Google suggests 'par' or 'per' as diminuatives, both of which kids and I hate) and "mad" as a hybrid of mom/dad. One of the teenagers defaults to "mad hatter" when feeling snarky, which I personally find delightful. "mather," "mad," "maddy" falls easiest on my ears but I think one of the reasons a quick stop in the search engines yields so many different options is precisely because words hit the ear so differently.
That cow sound really got me while I was listening to this with ear buds! 😂 Also this video made me realize how Shaaba remains so open during these reddit videos even when scenarios bring up feelings for her. Shaaba, thank you for not going sour over the state of some people's choices. I appreciate how hard you work to be genuine and honor yourself in your analysis.
If my name was "Maddie" and I didn't want to be "Mommy" I'd just be "Maddie", sounds easy enough for a squish to learn
I called my parents by their first names (or the babyfied version of them, babyfication done by me as a baby and forgotten about until it was a nostalgic memory brought up by my parents) until I was 5 and started copying the mommy and daddy thing from other kids. Later (couple years ago in my 20s) it turned out they were both women. I call them both by first name now but when talking to someone who doesn't know them, I call them both "my mom" and which one I mean depends on the context.
We have a saying where I live that translated to English would be something like "it's easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission"
I'm pretty shocked they managed to decide on potty without noticing that it's literally the same word as for kids needing to use the bathroom 😅
I see a lot of suggestions for baba as a neutral word, though it really depends on culture. If they're, say, American, they could use baba or ama/ada as gender neutral, but if they were middle eastern, they would absolutely be gendered words since those are literally what may be used by families from there (I believe they are Arabic but I learned them from a fiction book so I may be totally off). Essentially though I think it's important to use words that are original and don't necessarily draw on other languages just to have something that is nongendered to you specifically.
I'm surprised by the number of people suggesting baba because that is a baby bottle. It's what kids call it when they're learning how to talk Because bottle is way too hard.
@@carr0760 I think that's definitely something you'd have to have had siblings much younger than you or already be a parent to know that though. Definitely not something that would have occurred to me! I'm not sure what Shaaba's demographic is but I don't think many of them are parents overall?
@@roselover411 I am not a parent and I'm an only child. I thought this was common knowledge.
@@carr0760 Ah, well I'm glad you have that knowledge 😅 I don't think it's necessarily common knowledge though considering like you said the number of people suggesting it
Maybe the parents weren't planning on using the word potty for any toilet stuff. I know it's a commonly used way to say it, but it's not the only way, and they may not have grown up hearing it. For all we know they could not even be native English speakers and might raise the child in another language.
I don't have a lot of experience with small kids, but I work with dogs, and you'd be surprised how creative people can be when it comes to toilet words 🤣 So I can only assume it's the same for adults with human kids too!
Still better to not choose a word that has odd connotations, just trying to understand how they might never have even thought of it before the friends mentioned it.
For the necklace one, I literally would have just said ‘I paid for it so it’s my necklace and I’ll do whatever tf I want with it’ 🤷🏼♀️😂
20:51 Did they try saying, "hey, I know we are raising your sibling differently, and here's why....I'm sorry."
Shaaba, thank you for making this video. I really appreciate your take about how you have seen a very strict parent change and parent someone else differently. I am in such a similar situation and was not really able to understand how I felt about it and the way you have explained that really helped me - thank you xxxxx
Ooof, reading between the lines and pulling from my own experience, it sounds like the "tough love" parents were abusive. If they truly have mended their ways, they have a lot of work to do to prove that change to their son and gain his trust. Being angry that his parents aren't being consistent with how they were when he was younger makes sense and him withdrawing from family celebrations does, too. They traumatized this poor kid.
1. I have a lot of food issues, but I especially try to avoid too many over-processed or irresponsibly sourced foods. I'd always want to shop separately from housemates for the simple reasons that I'm very particular and I try very hard to be a concious consumer and don't want someone else's purchases on my conscience. Unless you were raised exactly the same and have very similar diets, it just makes sense to purchase food separately.
2. The world would be a much more navigable place if everone were a little bit autistic. The mother and bride were being irrational and over-emotional at every step, from trying to dictate grandma's grief timeline, to the entire necklace debacle. If either of them could take a step back and think about things from other points of view, they could've saved a lot of hassle.
3. The elder son sounds a lot like me at that age. My parents weren't strict and were affectionate, but they were also very judgemental and showed a clear disdain for my weaknesses. They're much more accommodating of my younger brother, which caused some resentment and lead me to fill the role of "toughening him up". My dad has come a long way learning about neurodivergence and can be softer, but I can barely get through a conversation with him because how pathetic I am, it's him who takes everything as a personal attack. And I still get really frustrated at meek people because I was once really vulnerable and anxious (and still am inside), but I was forced to bury it and adapt, so when I see it being coddled it stirs up a lot of resentment.
4. See #2. OP used clear communication and was perfectly rational. His instinctual response to laugh was a perfect example of his point. The people criticizing him are nutty and need to just be rational!
I went to a wedding with a NB person who went by “the broom.” I really enjoyed that.
For the last one, potty also means crazy, so I feel like on two fronts it's just a terrible idea. If the kid doesn't get made fun of for their parent being named after a toilet it'll be because their parents is crazy. Definitely back to the drawing board for these names!
what country/region is that in? ive nver heard that before?
I think it's mainly a UK thing.
The parents have not grown, they are the asshole and will always be unless they recognise what they did. They say "oh he hurt his FATHER'S FEELINGS" "oh he hurt MY feelings" while not realising they were the ones who taught him to hurt feelings. Boohoo your feelings are hurt by the child you emotionally abused. Huge surprise
The bride & MOTB were treating the necklace like it was just trash by insisting OP leave it behind like refuge.
As a millenial raised on Jim Henson, I think Not the Momma is a great nb parent name! Jk, but ya, "Potty" got an authentic, public reaction from OP & it's a TERRIBLE term for anyone you love. Maddy itself is a good name for a gender neutral parent name, though, as its a combo of Mother & Daddy, or maybe Naddy? If the partner also has a short name with a similar sound, just going with their first names might be the best until the kid themselves are old enough to brainstorm a name they want to call their parents?
I'm coeliac and hell no i wouldn't be paying for food I can't even eat. If people told me that I'd ask to have the price of the bread/non gluten-free cards taken off my share. And if it kept going I'd tell them not to buy for me at all
First 1 that snotty attitue toward your allergy is PROBLEMATIC. 2nd. Wow. No. i think bride's mom knows she is wrong.
Son has been listening to Andrew Tate. Need to get away from that
Unfortunately "forbidding" will only make it more interesting. Tough situation, hope it works out
@@TinksiehTink educating might be better than forbidding
For story 3, I have to wonder if "strict" and "tough love" crossed the line.
A couple of friends of mine called themselves frog froggy and Froggies
Just wanted to say congrats on 150k Shaaba! You are a wonderful person with such insightful advice. You remind us all that there is so much positivity to be found in the world and in ourselves. Here's to you and all the lovely people that make up this community! (Also your music is gorgeous. Source - a musician, kinda) 💖🎉
In regards to the mum being annoyed at the son for not accepting her trying to repair their relationship; I can understand the frustration, but she also doesn’t seem to be respecting her son’s autonomy. He is almost an adult and even if he wasn’t, relationships are a two-way street. If he doesn’t want to have a close relationship with you, he should not be guilt-tripped into performing closeness that he doesn’t feel comfortable with, and if he did, this would likely not solve the issues, but lead to greater tensions in the future. The son saying that some things don’t matter and it’s his achievements that matter could be considered his telling the mum what he is comfortable with. Perhaps birthdays just feel awkward and forced in the way that they are so socially proscribed in terms of relationships and reactions; but he is suggesting that he would be open to the parents supporting and celebrating things in his life which matter to him. This would seem to me to be less of a conventional relationship, perhaps more of an adult relationship than parent-child - which makes sense for a 17yo to be seeking - and would respect and acknowledge who he is as a person, and the parents support of him, than something that society says parents and children ought to do, with all the emotional baggage that brings with it.
25:34 Yes, 100%! We all have room to learn and grow. Give grace to those who have put in the time and effort to grow, because so many people never even consider they have room for improvement.
Is it wrong of me to think it's not necessarily a bad thing to be "insecure" about not causing your kid to be bullied? Within reason of course bc you can't control everything
If you name your kid "Poopyhead" you will cause them bullying and strife down the line. Asshole move. Teaching your kid to call you something that will almost certainly get them teased and laughed at is definitely a bad move, too. Personally, I would much rather my friends warn me about these issues before they happen. Imagine how upset you'd feel if your kid got bullied for a choice *you* made for them. That's not fair to them at all. Definitely NTA for making it very clear why you thought the name was a bad idea.
@@animeartist888 Even if the kid doesn't get bullied, it's gonna be a confusing term for them - what happens when they go to preschool and the teacher tells them to go potty? It was 100% a valid issue to bring up, and whether that became an insecurity for the parent is on the parent. (And I really take issue with the partner calling it an "unnecessary insecurity," nearly all insecurities are unnecessary anyway but this was purely brought up as something to consider)
For the enby parent one: you are going to have stress no matter what. Every good parent does. My mom gave me a very normal name but gave it an odd spelling. She did it with the best of intentions, normal spelling had a silent letter and she thought that would be hard for a kid when learning their name. But it has created issues in my life. Not horrible ones. She was more than willing to stick with it and it worked out. But it is always good to see the other angles and be aware of them. Whether you continue or not is up to you, not up to the person who showed you the angle. Like when you get a dog, people ask if you are able to afford vet visits and willing to pick up poop. If that stops you from getting a dog then you weren’t ready and that isn’t their fault.
I agree Tommy. Being a friend is not always easy and opening their eyes was the right thing to do :) Maybe Pommy could work?
Yea, first story I wouldn't have really said anything and paid the 40 "fair share" and then just let them know I would be buying my groceries when the next grocery trip would be getting closer. I mean you're still going to buy your gluten-free stuff, it would be easier. Or else make sure to go with them on the next trip and see if they would be willing to buy your stuff. It should equal things pretty well since gluten-free stuff is usually way more expensive. But yea that is totally not fair. But I wouldn't have made a fuss on the first grocery split with people I will live with. NTA but need to learn a little more about sharing I guess. I would have reasoned the same way when I was 18 tbf but life teaches you to juggle this stuff better and not create too much drama, especially in your home. And I know money might be tight for an 18 year old but still not worth the drama.
Neclace one: OMG!! Biggest NTD ever!! They should have realized right away no matter how dramatic it has been with grandma and asked OP if they wanted to keep the necklace or if they wanted the bride to keep it and give it to someone else! Even if it was a random, normal gift. You don't just leave it behind as if it was trash! What is wrong with people!?
The one for the tough love. Not sure how far the tough love went and maybe it's a YTD maybe it's a NDH situation depending on the degree of tough love. But to the posts saying why do you care: tough love is still LOVE! It may scare and hurt and yes, Shaaba is saying she needed years of therapy and is still going trough it. But it is all done because they care! It's what they believed the best parenting is. It's not like they abandoned their child and not cared for him. Tough love more often than not is tough on the parents too AND in small doses it is really helpful to build up character. So basically what I am trying to say, yes they care! They always cared! And the opposite of tough love is just as bad! Parenting is hard and it doesn't come with instructions, unfortunately! Hopefully, with time they will fix what they broke. I would say the first step is apologizing and discussions. Just changing your ways and being an alien to the child will for sure not fix it.
Gender neutral parent terms:
Parent/Par/Pari/Pear/Peary/Ren/Renny/Renna
Nommy/Nom/Nama/Noddy/Nod/Napa
Pama/Pommy/Pami/Mapa/Pama/Dama/Maddy/Mad (yes I've actually seen someone use mad lol!)
Guardian/Garnie
And I've even seen one parent use Meme when they came out to their older child!
Potty would have been ludicrous. I'm amazed they came up with it and didn't realise that themselves, instantly.
Hi! I really enjoy the way you (and Jamie) discuss these aita posts, you and the red flag green flag guy might be my favorite channels who do this on youtube. BUT there is something I must comment on:
your hair is flipping GORGEOUS and keeps distracting me (in a good way). I think the contrast between the dark and pink along with the soft fade suits you so well and makes you look like a fairy. Is it a hassle to keep it up? Do you bleach and color it yourself or do you go to a hairdresser? may I ask how often you have to recolor the pink?
I would love to do something like that myself mostly cause I have an allergy that prevents me from coloring my hair roots but everytime I’ve gotten colors done at a salon it cost so much money only to fade out after like two weeks :(. I’m a bit nervous to color and bleach by myself at home cause I’ve read/seen proper horror stories. Can you maybe share your experiences on that matter?
Hey I don't know anything about your hair and I am not Shaaba but I wanted to say Smosh's reddit readings are also generally wholesome and enjoyable as well :) if you wanted more feel good content in a similar vein
I personally also really like this and the flag guy you mentioned!
@@SRHtheHedgehog true, the smosh reddit stories are also great! I forgot about them when I made the comment
Me and my fiance split out groceries like we split rent.
But for a roomate? You pay for your own stuff. Gotta communicate it though. Get it in writing or such and pay this time and then stick to the new agreement.
Stay safe out there. 🎉
On the tough love story I am with you on hoping for the future. He is still young. Yes the YTD badge is right, but if they continue to show they have changed and as he grows up a little he may be more forgiving.
For the last one, I suggest letting the child come up with their own nicknames since as much as we want to guide kids towards using certain nicknames or terms for us, they will decide that on their own
This is such a good way to start every school week. ❤❤
One of my favourite alternatives for parent names has been Wawa for a while. The original context I saw it in was a meme, but it is actually super nice and conforms to what kids can say fast
Im in much pain rn and feeling pretty 💩 but these always make me feel better/more relaxed
my nb sibling is using zizi for themself for the baby. there's so many cute things structured like mama/papa/mommy/daddy that aren't already english words for other things
I feel like you could look up what the word ‘parent’ is in a variety of languages both real and fictional, and give some consideration of them or a modification of them (obviously care needs to be taken around anything that could seem like cultural appropriation) for alternatives to mum/dad. Maybe ask some people from those language groups? I’m not a speaker of these languages, but pai (Portuguese) seems easy to say, and ‘ontar’ could be a general neutral form of the two elvish words for parent?
You said it would have been fine for them to keep it that way but the same way I would call someone the AH for naming their kid potty, I would almost put the same badge on this way around. That’s just mean to the kid, kids are savage enough amongst themselves, don’t name your kid or make your kid say ridiculous things in front of their peers for Christ’s sake…
There are so many ways to donate something why would you leave a necklace somewhere? I somewhat understand the friend being angry over the necklace being taken, but no matter how you look at it if you don't trust a friend not to do something you've asked them not to do why are you even friends, especially such close friends? If I asked a friend not to do something I would trust them not to. If that trust was broken that's how that ends, not over me not giving them that trust in the first place.
Don’t split groceries. For the few common shared things like spices, milk, and eggs- “you get it this time, I’ll get it next time” so long as you use it evenly. If someone uses 1 egg and the other eats the remaining 11, the 1 egger can just let the other have something of theirs lol
Roomies should ALWAYS buy and prepare food separately. End of story.
In the wedding necklace story, I'm right on the edge between not the drama and no drama here. Depending on how far emotional charged reactions on a wedding, have to go to qualify as drama. O p is certainly in the right and the bride and the bride's family are in the the wrong, but whether that makes them the drama, it's borderline.
you also need to think what words would be easy for a baby to say. most languages use some version of mama/dada/baba/papa
Potty and Naughty are absolutely not the sounds you’ll want to have your child refer to their parents by. Similarly, friends with a daughter, ANNA, were considering ANDY for an expected son but once Raggedy Ann and Andy was referred to they quickly recognized the potential issues and made another choice.
once again seated for my monday dose of aita !!!
26:10 I love that you can see a positive way forward and allowing people to grow and change. I'm so glad I've grown and changed in life, how awful if we all got stuck at a certain age and had to keep those same opinions forever. Imagine everyone thinking like they did at say age 15 *shudder*.
The "tough love for first son" story should end up at "am i the devil"
I love Ash Hardell!
Final story: Putting aside the possibility of childhood bullying (kids really suck at times), using the term Potty would lead to a whole lot of confusion. When it comes time to toilet train the little one, what would the parents call the thing they use to toilet train? And if they plan to send the little one to daycare, that could lead to a whole host of issues. Best to choose a term that is 1 easy for babies to use and 2 isn't connected to a thing young children use.