PMDD diary reading #1 | pmdd stages

From my personal diary written during hell weeks
"It starts out as anger. Not the kind where you feel slightly aggitated. Im talking all-consuming rage. The “i want to rip out my hair and set the house on fire” rage, the kind where it doesn't matter whos talking or what they’re saying, you can not handle it. Their voice becomes the most obnoxious sound in the world. (yet the absence of it hurts.) and the rage feels like pins and needles, as if the fire is already inside you, and it is burning from the inside out, it feels like at any moment i will take my nails and dig them into my skin as deeply as i can, i need to let the anger pour out of me, i need a release. The anger comes with dozens of impulsive intrusive violent thoughts towards myself. Smash my head on the sidewalk, press a blade into my veins, rip my hair out one by one. I can feel this anger like tension it is in my arms, my shoulders, my neck, my jaw. My legs want to run for hours until i collapse.
Then the sadness hits. It is debilitating. It feels like bricks on your chest, this chronic emptiness. The pit in my stomach is never-ending. Nothing will ever fill this hole. I cry to the point of my eyes swelling,.the sadness is heavy and numbing. It gets to the point that i don’t even want anyone to save me. I can not shake it. I cry and cry. I pick at my wrists sometimes during this to try and see if i’ll ever be able to feel something again. It feels like i am sinking down to the oceans floor, it is slow - as if there were resistance, moving is hard. Too much effort.
Numbness will follow the sadness. You’d think after feeling so horrible this would be a relief except being numb is one of the more scary symptoms because i am unable to hide it. I can barely open my mouth to reply, any type of facial expression takes effort. I can not go out in public like this. When i am numb it is scary because i don't care. And you can’t reason with yourself when you don’t care. It feels like my body isn’t mine, like i am just on pause, waiting to return to life - but if i didn’t, that’d be okay too. It doesn’t matter, by this point nothing matters.
Hypomania will trickle in as the numbness starts to lift. Hypomania is like dancing on a balance beam without fear, when typically you’re scared of heights. It is believing you are the center of everyone's world, endless energy. Half of me is pleased the other half worried. Pleased because im no longer broken! I can speak, move, i am colorful again. Worried because it is usually me constantly fighting myself during this time not to do anything risky. The urges I get with hypomania are some I don't want to verbalize and it is a constant battle to convince myself not to do them. When i am hypomanic everything is three times as intense, so the littlest thing will cause me to spiral and that is scary. The crash of hypomania is like random stabbing pains of despair, of hopelessness, of true crushing doubt over everything. As soon as i start to crash i become aware of how loud i was, how present i was, how over the top i was and then i am embarrassed. I am humiliated.
And that is when we end up back where we started, back to anger."