I was furious when I got my diagnosis at 35. All the years of being mocked for being lazy, for not being able to focus on things I found boring, the utter callousness of doctors who told me that the myriad thoughts in my brain are a sign of psychosis, the inner wounds I had suffered. Now I knew why my education took so much more effort and time - but nobody would ever care. I cried a lot in the first year or so whenever I thought about it. It didn't help that I was told by two psychiatrists and one GP that adults should not need medication and that I should just pull myself together. I think what helped was engaging with ADHD on the internet (learning more about it) and seeking some form of solace in things like ADHD memes (so that I could laugh, even if a bit teary eyed, about it). I still get angry and sad sometimes, but only rarely.
I am so sorry you had such poor treatment from the medical community. My daughter was recently diagnosed. Her doctor has been such an incredible support for her in this journey and never shamed her about medication. I pray you now have some good supportive physicians.
I just got my diagnosis like last 2 months I'm almost 34. The griefing has been intense. It has recontextualized my entire life where a lot of my internalized negative self talk is from people who were just describing my adhd as a character flaws and shaming me for it. The sheer weight of suffering that's been caused by this and then me beating myself up over it (why can't I just will it) will probably continue to make me cry. Educating myself has connected so many little dots. I appreciate videos like this that can bring a little relief or at least validation for our experience.
I understand.. It's painful.. My parents didn't care enough to recognize.. And then once again, I asked my GP that almost could have ended me. I ASKED HIM.. It's painful.. YEARS and YEARS lost also cuz of ASD level 1. I also have C-ptsd.. abusive family who did so much damage
Enlightened/Diagnosed twenty years ago aged 54, I was so thrilled to finally understand why a lifetiime of effort had brought little reward. The self-hatred that started mid-thirties gradually dissipated. However, now, at 74, I GRIEVE ‼because of insuffiencient time, energy, resources to make the life i desired
I'm 74, self diagnosed AuDHD about 15 months ago. I flip back and forth between feeling intense gratitude for knowing it was never my fault, and yet that doesn't relieve the sorrow of how things turned out. So yes, the grief is a companion along with the gratitude. Doing Life Review is bittersweet because now I know why things often derailed. As a parent of 3 neurodivergent kids I am focusing on being relieved when any of them succeeds in an area I failed in. It's some solace....
I’m 74 and also grieve for missed opportunities caused by low self esteem and just being female. I’m guessing that you had the strength, courage and dignity to make the best with what you had. It’s natural at our age to look back and judge (so my therapist says). Think of your successes.
I empathize with you. I was just diganosed at 51 - over half a year of unknowingly fighting with undtreated ADHD - assuming I just had character and personality flaws that made me "difficult". I can imagine how this develops as you get older and realize all the things you didn't get to do/prepare for/create because of the ADHD being undetected and untreated. Hugs to you.
I remember talking about it with my therapist, and she just sorta brushed it off. "So, what are you gonna do about it?" Made me feel bad about feeling bad!
I was diagnosed at 49, a little less than three years ago. The actual diagnosis was almost a relief - at that time, all of the systems and coping mechanisms I'd subconsciously put in place over the years were failing catastrophically (probably due in part to menopausal changes, which I think you've covered as well) and I couldn't figure out what was going on until I saw a story from the Chesapeake Center about women and ADHD. What I grieved, and still do from time to time, was that there were many things in my childhood that could have been different if perhaps we knew what was going on. I had very few friends, I struggled with emotional dysregulation and had next to zero frustration tolerance. I was always told I was "gifted" but school was a Sisyphean struggle, I was forever forgetting assignments, procrastinating and often bored. I had sensory stuff that was blown off. College was very difficult because of the lack of structure combined with all the other baggage. How much more could I have accomplished? How much earlier could I have had success in the workplace? How would my relationships be different? Those are the things I grieve. The diagnosis finally gave a name to the patchwork collection of symptoms and experience and has helped me understand myself a little better. Did meds fix everything? No. Do they help rein in the chaos? Yes, they absolutely do. I know they don't work the same for everyone, but they have helped me, and the way they work for me gives me a bit of space to set myself up better. Thank you, as always, Dr B, for your research and advocacy.
I went/still occasionally go through smaller waves of grief. It was a relief to be given treatment and at the same time, sad & shameful for me at least. It took me almost a year to fully accept it and stop skipping medicine or non-medical adjustments. One thing is for sure, CLARITY is soothing. resources like this channel, books, practices, etc, + small adjustments contribute to hope and keeps me from getting depressed/developing other disorders.
I experience a lot of grief, anger, and some resentment, but it's not related to the actual diagnosis at all. That was a relief and a vindication. It's all centered on the past and, to some extent, the present that I could have had.
So important to talk about this. I was thrilled when I got the diagnosis and got meds, because I thought it meant I was cured. But months later when the truth of what life was going to be like really landed, it hollowed me out for years. I still deal with grief sometimes, and it’s been 15 years.
This victim mindset only makes things worse, i was struggling but still keeping up before i got diagnosed. After diagnoses i became one of these adhd cry babies. All this proffesor does is tell you why you suck and can't belong in society while trying to get people on meds. It's completely useless and none of these idiots have a solution other then make you feel worse which will lead to worse results. If you want improvement i suggest you start moving your body and stop combining high dopamine activities like smoking or drinking while watching movies. You be alright. best of luck
I have never grieved my daughter's diagnosis. But that's because I'm grieving my own. After her teacher spotted the signs and suggested we have her evaluated, I got a textbook on ADHD (edited by Dr. Barkley in fact) and read it cover to cover ... and suddenly so much of my life made sense. And not only my life, but others in older generations of my family, some of whom are no longer with us and who will never know why they were the way they were. I don't know if I'll ever stop being angry. At all the teachers who told me I was lazy and "wasting my potential" instead of even once showing compassion and checking to see if something else was going on. Sometimes at my parents, for dismissing my problems and concerns (but in their defense, the hereditary nature of ADHD means they grew up normalizing these things). I'm angry that I'll never know what I could have done or who I could have been if even one person had shown me that compassion. And you know what? I'm okay being angry. Because they failed me, and I'm allowed anger about that. I don't grieve my daughter's diagnosis because it came early enough that I can do my best to make sure she won't have to go through what I went through. I'm making sure she has the medication and support she needs, and the knowledge to understand how her brain works and how she can adapt to solve problems in ways that work for her. Her diagnosis led to mine, but our outcomes will be very different, and I am so happy for that.
Oh I can understand your anger sooo well! I got diagnosed recently ( 53 years old) and it is such a mixture of feelings: relief, sadness, grief and yes , definitely ANGER. What if I would have known earlier? My life would have been so different… 😕 Thank you for sharing your story! Good that you can help your daughter!🌻
Given the circumstances of my youth, I never felt any anger over my lack of diagnosis. but I still struggle with grief over the life I wanted to have. The life I thought I could I have before my breakdown and diagnosis. Double the fun to go through this all at the onset of middle age!
I recognized the parallels to grieving but didn’t know it was actually a thing. I’m glad to hear it is and what I’m experiencing is normal and necessary. I’m still disappointed about the lack of the dad joke but I understand why you wouldn’t include it in this particular upload. Thank you for this channel, your lifelong work and dedication. You are a mondial treasure.
I'm stunned. This is never discussed. My adult diagnosis was one of the darkest days of my life: it removed hope. It changed the way my spouse thought of me for the worse. The hope was misguided, but we'd had it. I experience complicated, unresolved, grieving that is re-inflamed every time I have an ADHD crisis. Like an athlete who's lost a limb, the diagnosis is a constant reminder that my life will never be what I'd hoped for. Like someone with a chronic, infectious, illness, the diagnosis stands between me and everyone I consider letting get close to me, as the chaos of ADHD impacts everyone in its vicinity. When things go well, I have imposter syndrome; when things go poorly, the anger can only turn inward. I've lost my career, my wife, my child, my siblings, my friends, my job. Worse, I've lost hope. I understand the chronic mental illness now; I use that knowledge to minimize how often grenades blow up in my hand. But my the diagnosis remains the day my hope for a normal, stable, life, died.
I hear you. I hate not being normal, especially in a life of constantly being reminded that I'm not, by other people as well as my own mishaps. It's hard getting up and going on sometimes. But, It helps me to remind myself "normal" is different for everybody. this is just my normal.
This, exactly. There was no sense of relief. I lost my partner - because I was “always going to be like this” and my failures irritated him so intensely. Before him, my husband you to scream at me “you should be medicated” and when I would ask what for (as I had no diagnosis - I was used to being me, always just getting it wrong) he said “for something, because you aren’t normal and you are impossible to live with!” I managed a home and a family of 5 kids and a full time job and constantly active volunteer work … but I am scattered and distracted and always going 100-miles an hour taking on too many things. I always felt that I just needed to learn to “get it together”. My diagnosis came after a psychiatric evaluation for depression and anxiety that medication couldn’t treat… and it was like I had been punched in the gut. I’m permanently broken. There’s no “fixing” this. I’m in my 50s and almost no one my age believes in it, and the medications have such a bad rap in my age demographic. The diagnosis actually felt/feels like a death sentence - or a sentence to be permanently single. The idea that I could have been made better in childhood has no part in the grief. I never would have been diagnosed in the 70’s - I was just an ill-behaved girl who needed to sit still and pay attention and wait her turn and KEEP QUIET. I have all of my school report cards saying exactly this. Honestly, I think that if I had known that I had an incurable brain disorder in my teens I probably would have just given up and ended it.
@@mommysews1i believe you. But it also sounds like you were living in an abusive marriage. A loving husband, as frustrated as he might get, would not treat you like you described. That is a shock and a lot to process, i know. Us lare diagnosed adhd people, (i was 55) are used to blaming ourselves so much that we dont realise when we are being abused by bullying spouses. Like i said, this os a lot to process. You sound like a lovely person. Seriously.
I hope you're getting therapy for this. You cannot control whether you have ADHD or not, but ultimately, you have some agency over how you react to your diagnosis long term. Be stoic and act on what you can control. Grief can be a process we move through, not a trap we are stuck in. I really believe that self forgiveness is vital, both for long term acceptance of the condition and for making any progress in your life. The mental energy we expend on self recrimination and self loathing is not available for any positive purpose we might have. You say that you have no choice but to turn the anger inward when things go poorly but in reality you do. CBT will show you the way.
I got diagnosed the day after my 45th birthday. By then I’d had to study a lot on my own and Dr B has been invaluable with his straight forwardness and detailed facts. But i think of the stages of grief, both anger about and grief for the life I could have had if I’d had diagnosis and treatment in my youth were the strongest.
@@sarahs7669 That’s exactly what I’m experiencing. I feel as though I’ve been living life as a one legged individual in an ass kicking contest. Now I get my other leg back? I sure hope so.
Recently diagnosed at 45. Of course I could look back and be really bitter. ADHD has wrecked everything I’ve tried to do in life, more or less. Turns out I did have teachers that tried telling mum that there was something wrong with me, but she didn’t listen. When I look at it a bit deeper, I can see that she also has ADHD and probably had no idea there was something wrong with *her* until I got diagnosed. People in general don’t know much about neurodivergence. We are the front lines, so to speak. That sucks, but it is what it is. We will keep talking about it and spread awareness, and hopefully future generations won’t have to struggle like we have
I actually was glad about my diagnosis. Got it just last year in my 30's. It was not until getting an MA in Psych and realizing I meet DSM criteria that I learned I have ADHD. The medication works wonders and has helped me achieve far more than I ever had before! I used to always wonder what held me back in the past! Now I know and there's no regret!
Same. Mostly I am just happy that I finally what's going on with me. However, I do have a couple years of experience with psychotherapy and I suspected that I may have autism. I tried different things and nothing worked. Now I have the information I need, so I can actually find a working strategy to function.
same. I was even older, and my life suddenly made sense. being told i have adhd was so much better than having been told "so smart but wastes her talents" all my life
I was just diagnosed about 4 months ago at the ripe old age of 75. I received little or no support or acceptance from my friends. I am relieve to find this subject explored by Dr Barkley and also to have further reading on the subject. I received the diagnosis and have spiralled down in depression not understanding why. It's now quite apparent. I will be much more gentle with myself as I attempt to dig myself out and continue on a newly enlightened path. Thank you so much.
If that title was meant to trigger reactions, it was well chosen. My first reaction on getting my diagnosis aged 49 was an intense feeling of liberation and relief. It turned me from being failure on two legs into a human being with some issues on hardware level. The second book I bought was Sari Soldens book, where I got introduced to the grief cycle in an early stage of reevaluating my entire life from a new perspective. I went through the cycle in a different order and have done so repeatedly. Still doing so (18 yrs after diagnosis), because there still are situations where I discover new aspects of being who I am. It means lifelong learning on a different level.
You were my life raft when deep diving on my son’s behavior…@3 years old, I started my research, after living with an older brother struggling with this, before people put a label to this. My brother passed from all the self medicating ( alcohol, smoking) @the age of 65. So I had my history of being observant at young age and now my young son. Thank you thank you for all you do. Yes, grieving is definitely a thing!
I realized that I have Adhd in my 30s my major in university was psychology when I listened to workshops and read books I realized that my novelty seeking is very high and also bupropion is a good drug for people that have this problem After using this medication my life hugely changed..... and after reading criteria for adhd in dsm 5 and kaplan again carefully and its treatment I realized that I have this Disorder and it was really an epiphany.... then I started to read your book Taking charge of adult Adhd and honestly it was life changing .. ❤❤❤❤❤
Accepting the truth about my adult son’s ADHD has been one of the hardest experiences in my life. At first it was a relief to know the cause of his difficulties. Then came our struggle explaining it to others and now the effort to help him find a career. My brilliant and lovable child is in his mid thirties, underemployed, without a partner and dependent on his parents. He managed to get a college degree before his diagnosis and I still hold out hope he will find his niche, but I still feel shame, worry and great sadness.
I don't know if this is terrible advice or not, but the only way I've managed to hold a job and support myself is to do a factory job where I can zone out and listen to audiobooks, music, RUclips videos all day. I'm early 30's and only just realised I probably have undiagnosed ADHD. I couldn't have made it through a collage degree, and I knew it, so I didn't even try. Not saying it's a good way to live, and if I can get a diagnosis and some sort of treatment that helps, I will...in the mean time though, that's how I get by. Try finding him a job where he can have headphones on and doesn't require too much brain power. Then you can be off with the fairies and still make a living.
@@movement2contact He is finally asking for help sometimes-just asked us to make a doctor’s appointment for him, knowing he was not going to do it. We are carefully persistent and he is getting better. I’ll never give up on him
I'm so glad to hear you speak about this. The majority of the time people say how their diagnosis made sense and how much it helped. That wasn't my experience and I felt like I was the only one who felt the grief/denial/anger. I'm finally coming to accept my diagnosis 2 years later on. Thank you for speaking about this and normalising this kind of reaction and how important it is to acknowledge. The thing that has helped me is that I'm currently experiencing depression and I think the grief is a major contributor to my depression. I decided that educating myself about my ADHD might help me understand it/me and help with depression. So I've been doing things like watching your channel, going to expert led focus groups via ADHD UK or joining Seed Talks and talking to people with ADHD. It's slowly starting to shift my mindset to acceptance, not push against it and to be kind to myself.
Me! 🙋🏻♀️ I was diagnosed last year at the age of 47. Half of life of undiagnosed has certainly come with its baffling challenges and embarrassments! On top of this, I was diagnosed at 43 as autistic. This combination of confusion and often at war in my own head, not belonging, and feeling very different has caused its own mental health problems. Unfortunately, where I live in the UK, Hertfordshire they do not offer any non-pharmalogical treatments on the NHS. Luckily the ADHD medication that I am on is significantly helping me. But I still feel that I need somebody who understands ADHD and autism to talk to, to unravel the messy ball of wool that has been my life so far.
Yes. I definitely went through a great deal of grieving. It was only a year and a half ago and I was 68. I already knew I would test positive. I was very relieved and felt quite validated. I'm almost 70 and I've lived my entire life with ADHD - inattentive type. Plus I have dyscalculia and an anxiety disorder. Plus I've been a chronic pain patient since age 11. I've always been different from my sibs and friends. My father was an engineer and he loved mathematics. I was such a huge disappointment to him. Of course I went through my own grieving process. If only we had known. But that didn't happen. I got over it. Once in a while I'm reminded and I feel sad. It's fleeting and I move on to something else. I know I can't change the past. I'm glad you brought it up. 💜
Yes , exactly, if only we had known. …😢 probably your chronic pain also somehow relates or your adhd, or not? I also have dyscalculia, seems that a lot of ADHDers have that too… all the best for you..😊
@@dazwischen5072 if we had known about ADHD, and the inattentive type, I think it would have made all the difference. But I'll never know for sure. I try not to dwell on it. Now I have gained a lot more information from studying it but I'm still lost. It's different for everyone. And you're correct. Chronic pain is frequently seen in ADHDer's and lucky me is proof of that. I wish people would get over their preconceived ideas. They try to keep us involved in the 🐂💩 - I want to be free 🩵🌿🌺
Thank you Dr Barkley, a hugely important topic. I was diagnosed in late adulthood (in my 50s). On the one hand, my diagnosis was a huge revelation, and a weight off my shoulders - I wasn't crazy, or lazy, or whatever; I just had ADHD! It explained so much. But I also became aware of how my career had cratered and crashed, through my ADHD; how several relationships had fallen apart, and how I had "failed" to realise my potential in so many ways, because I was jumping around like a mad thing: never staying focussed, or following through on plans and projects. In reality, I still managed to turn out kind of okay, but ... accepting that has been a long, hard process. Your observations in this video are very helpful.
I have recently been diagnosed at age 39; my journey has been relief, anger and grief (mixed with the grief of losing my mother in January). My daughters are Autistic/ADHD and ADHD, and I saw a lot of myself in my middle daughter (ADHD) who experienced emotional regulation and sensory challenges. I experienced burn out in my high school and college career and it's so hard to look at those times of seeing that teenager struggle and no one bothered to ask why. Not one of my teachers or school staff stopped and thought, "this girl is so smart and full of potential, why is she struggling?" The rational part of my brain knows that there is so much more information about ADHD now, especially diagnosing the inattentive type. Yet, there is so much pain in seeing my past self struggle with an unseen disability, which I attributed to moral failings.
cry why? getting diagnosed means you now know where to look for solutions to your problems, and if you don't have problems, then who cares if you have adhd?
Interesting. I imagine it varies greatly across people and their situations. Receiving the diagnosis (and treatment and therapy) was a relief for me because it helped answer life-long questions and has allowed me to finally "start being the me I always knew was there." And while I still from time to time get that "if only I and family had known this earlier!" feeling, the only acute moment of grief was when I tried the stimulant medication for the first time and the effects kicked in… and the implications of "all those wasted years" hit me full-on. I had to sit down and cry for a bit. But acceptance of both the diagnosis and "what it means for me" were immediate. I'll be 50 soon but I feel like I am just at the beginning of a new life and it is exciting.
Just to continue the +5 pattern 😅 … I was diagnosed at 60. Some people asked if knowing made any difference, since I had managed so long without knowing 😳🫤
I hear you. Even my doctor told me to read a book and learn coping strategies. I thought… I’m in my 50’s, employed, with a home, and children… don’t you think that I KNOW the coping strategies? The dance to appear normal is exhausting. And just coping leaves no room for social, romantic, or relaxation. No. I’m not “fine”. Why would I have even been sent to the psychiatrist who diagnosed me if I was “fine”? (Sent to a psych because I thought I was just abnormally anxious)
@@mommysews1 the only thing that makes sense is the constant exhaustion. I don’t understand anything, who I really am, how to stop masking when appropriate, how to stop being constantly anxious, what that weird feeling actually is 😩
i 100% had this happen to me and to be honest I dont even think I am over the grief yet at all. I figured I might have had it my whole life and then tried adhd meds in my 30's but didn't get the education first and misused it. And now I am on it again in my mid 40's and the real grief didn't start until this year as im turning 44 because I never truly spent enough time looking inward to myself and why I do any and all the things that I do that I realize that my whole life was held back a good bit because of ADHD and I have to understand that it will be near impossible for my life to get to the point I would want it to be and that , i think , is mostly the ability to read even a small book and retain what i've read as well as when I set to do something, i go through all the necessary steps without giving up just because I can never stick to what im doing. Im fighting it yet still 5 minutes into doing a task I am always without realizing it on a whole new task and then another and another. I am a very very positive person / thinking and always have been but I need to admit to myself that I am deeply depressed inside and just show a facade to the world.
Thank you, Russell, for an excellent talk - as always. I'm similar in age to you, and have grieved a little for myself and more for younger people in my family. But I've felt a lot of grief for my father. He died over 40 years ago of at the age of 56. He was an exceptionally intelligent person (top 2% of population) and wonderful human being, but he never reached his potential. He invented things, but didn't follow through, he rarely held a job that would allow him to use his abilities. He mainly served in shops and did other sales jobs and never achieved his dream of becoming a doctor.. I wish I could talk to him about all of this. I'm lucky that I grew up with him as my mentor because I learned that it was ok to be a bit different, even though I have masked all my life...
I felt a lot of grief after my diagnosis last year at the age of 73. So sad for how different my life and the lives of my children might have been, for my two broken marriages, for my poor father who I see now clearly had ADHD and self medicated with booze and fags till it killed him, for my broken relationship with my daughter, for my niece who has gone completely off the rails to become a junkie, for my sister who has always done her best but been belittled and called a failure. It’s all a lot to come to terms with. But it helps a lot to make sense of things. I’m now starting to think I am probably autistic too.
Thank you, Dr. Barkley! I was diagnosed at 15 and am now 49 and I agree that the cycle of grief can come back up. I think I went through the grieving process with my diagnosis and made peace with it but went through it again when my daughter was diagnosed. Knowing how having ADHD will complicate my daughter's life, I became filled with a deep sense of grief and hopelessness. Now, I use her diagnosis as motivation to research and find a path forward that helps minimize her symptoms and maximize her potential. It gives me purpose!
9:03 - This describes exactly how I have been feeling and processing the lateness of my diagnosis at age 63. You think you may be working so hard with a therapist to go through this grieving and loss, and come to a stage many months or even a year or more where you have reached acceptance -- then either some remembering of the shoulda-coulda-woulda, or a trigger such as the denial by friends, family, etc that this whole disorder even exists. But it's like a dam bursting and what you thought you had worked so hard to fortify against -- the anger returns and so forth -- and YES, just as Dr. Barkley says right here, it isn't just linear processing through stages... It really completely derailed what had previously been a high achievement life with people -- lots of people --feeling certain you will make it in your life because you're so smart and talented.... My life completely flipped; hadn't been tracking my finances (like many of you...) then one day I am instantly flat broke and it brings instant poorness, having to move, all in a few days. When a month later I was diagnosed after an ER room total breakdown and collapse, finally, one damn doctor asking "has anyone ever mentioned ADHD to you before" lead to my testing and pretty severe case of the disorder. 5 years later and I still can get seriously angry at what this unknown iceberg did to my career, relationships, the whole litany.
This is fascinating, 20 years ago my son was diagnosed with autism, it took me over 10 years to get the diagnosis for him. I grieved his diagnosis feeling he was locked inside of his head and so many great things would struggle to come out and how that would impact him. Years later I am diagnosed with ADHD and the anger I initially felt, along with relief, Was a bit confusing. Now I find so many people will minimize ADHD as they feel everybody has aspects of ADHD and it’s just human nature, so I find I don’t talk about it much and I haven’t gone the route of finding support or help for myself. I also believe my ASD son may also have ADHD and I am just worn out.
Yes, do look for support for yourself! Even if it is „only“ medication, that can really help too and you don’t need to tell anyone about it it! Good luck! 🎉
Yes, I am in this greaving phase right now. I am 53 years old and I just got my diagnosis 3 weeks ago. It took one year to get the diagnosis. But I have felt different my whole life, always struggled with why I find everything so difficult… So of course the diagnosis was a relief. Now I understand why. But imagine if I had known earlier? What would my life had been like then? I’ve done so many stupid things and I have caused so much chaos in my life. If I had known earlier, all that could have been avoided… That’s the grief. But a know I am not alone. „ The lost generation „ … yes, that’s us… 😢
I was diagnosed earlier this year at age 35. I'm grateful that I didn't have many of the experiences that others had. Having a higher IQ, I was able to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. When I went to University, things were much harder and the lack of structure made things more difficult; I nearly failed out of school. Thankfully I met my current wife and she was very good at helping structure my life so I could succeed. I graduated as a mechanical engineer and have been working successfully ever since. I've been able to advance in my career and support my family in spite of this disability. When I was diagnosed, it came as a relief. Suddenly a lot of experiences and behaviors going all the way back to my childhood made sense. I didn't experience grief as I felt I did the best I could at each point of my life. Now that my daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD, I hope to provide her the tools to succeed and maybe some stoicism to not blame herself or others for this disability; doing so would be akin to blaming the rain or the wind.
I'm not surprised that grieving isn't discussed. I was diagnosed in the 90's and it was as though I was expected to be relieved and happy that I got a new label and excuse for my shortcomings. Don't get me wrong. It was somewhat of a relief that I wasn't just a lazy person with no self-control. But yes, there was a lot of grieving I was oblivious to and also denied in that time. I was a "gifted child" after all and was suddenly struggling at a top research university. So, for a while I hated myself and then hated the the fact that "someone like me" would be dependent on drugs to be normal. In retrospect, I never resolved my denial. A few years later I was diagnosed with amblyopia, I thought, "This is it! I don't need the drugs." I had clung to a story of a very judgemental professor who told me ADHD was being over-diagnosed and his own daughter was diagnosed and later found to have amblyopia. So, I had two "facts" telling me I not mentally challenged, that I was still smart and the psychiatrist was wrong. I say all of that to illustrate how incredibly long it can take to get through the grief and denial. This can happen if the grieving is not addressed. In my case, everything was supposed to be just fixed by the medication. That created it's own challenges and the experimentation with dose was brutal. None of that helped, of course. This caused me to go it alone for 20+ years until I couldn't deny the problems it was causing. 20yrs later I was still bargaining and decided I just needed some CBT. In therapy, I brought up the previous diagnosis and was told to watch some Gabor Mate videos. That only made me resentful of my upbringing. The turning point though, was still in that CBT/DBT therapy. In a sort of out-of-sequence way, I did learn to accept my shortcomings, regardless of their nature, and let go of some ego. I was taught to love myself. I thought I did, but I was wrong and it wasn't what I thought it was. Those processes allowed me to allow myself to grieve and recognize it as such. This helped me accept myself as I was, and to accept things as they are. Overcoming that long-term, overlooked grief finally cleared the way for me to add medication to my treatment, again. It does still come back for various reasons, but seeing it as natural grief and not as another shortcoming, eliminates the denial for me and continue acceptance of my reality.
After a disastrous falling out with the love of my life (we were not together then or now), I just sat at my computer swearing and googling, googling and swearing. I was prepared to spend the night there. I had about had it with myself. I was 65 and clearly an outlier ... and I seemed to be alternately very smart or a complete imbecile. Sometimes in the same day. Periodically, I choose an important occasion to blurt out crazy shit (several job interviews come to mind). (Cringe.) And yet, I've delivered spontaneous eulogies at funerals that comforted friends and family, with spot on-target memories that acknowledged and called out the particular special individuality of the loved one and made people smile and thank me later. I have 2 speeds. Just like a cheap lawnmower: on or off. I couldn't find a moderate gear if I fell over it and I probably have. I'm a person of accidental extremes and excessive anxiety. I move on average every two years. My lifetime history of jobs is only impressive in the short duration of most of them before I quit or got fired, and the staggering variety of vocations I've sampled. For instance, I've been a traffic engineer, meter reader, worked at NASA, run a 50-foot bridge crane, topless dancer, prison counselor, janitor, factory worker, repo'd cars, held a private investigator license, and made the shakes at McDonald's. And more, but u get the drift. I've also been a blond, a brunette, and a redhead. No tattoo or pink hair! At least not yet. I'm interested in everything and I always have been. I drove my parents crazy with questions and follow-up questions. "Because" is not an answer. I have constant trouble with my weak executive functions and poor working memory. I demanded answers about myself. On the Internet. I literally googled: "What in effing eff is the matter with me?", "What is wrong with me???", "Why the blankety-blank am I the way I am?", "Where is my home planet? Can I go back there?" "How? Soon, right?" "Why do I create all kinds of things and hatch solutions out of thin air but I can barely add and subtract?" If one more person tries to show me their 'really easy way' to figure a tip without a calculator, I am going to slap them. My rabbit holes led to Dr. Barkley speaking on the emotional impulsivity aspect of ADHD. I'd never heard of that symptom. And there I was. It was like he drew his examples directly from my life. I couldn't justify my erratic behavior any other way. ADHD and impulsive emo explained my whole chaotic life. I. was. absolutely. devastated. My sister drove 4 hours and spent the weekend. It was clear she had ADHD too. But she has had the moderating influence of a husband in the household, going to bed at routine times, and I've mostly lived alone. A sitting duck to my instabilities. We binge viewed Dr. Barkley's lectures and we talked about our lives. We had a whole new slant on things. We laughed about our bumbling around in life. By the end of the weekend we both felt mostly ok about being ADHD. So what helped? I was comforted by ADHD memes in particular, and by the bright, humorous people making them. I felt no longer alone. And I saw my people everywhere I went. They twitched in grocery lines; they constantly interrupted. Jessica McCabe helped (RUclips channel How to ADHD). I began to follow other ADHD content providers and they helped too. I learned about the gifts that come with ADHD, like our extra creativity, and being fun at parties. That helped a lot. The most? What helped me the most and still helps me is Dr. Barkley and the knowledge he shares. I tell people about that meat cleaver and our undersized battery. I am so grateful. I learned that ADHD people get in more car wrecks and that has made me a better, more careful driver. Dr. B. If you're listening, thank you for sharing the back story on that and I'm heartfelt sorry about your devastating loss. Thank u for your research which has lit a lamp for us. It helps so much to understand. Learning the mechanics of ADHD has helped me compensate. I come up with so many workarounds I'm thinking of making some RUclipss to pay back the community. It's 2a.m. How did that happen? 🙃❤️ -Julia
My grief is now coming up against the ‘everyone is jumping on the ADHD bandwagon’ etc. I’m actually feeling ashamed to tell anyone because I feel like a fraud. This compounds the general grief of a lifetime of struggle - a thousand fold. (I’m 63yo diagnosed last year. )
My advice is stop watching adhd videos. My life was infinitly better before i knew i had adhd. Whenever i struggled i would push tru but after i knew i had adhd i would just give up whenever i stuggled. This dude barkley is only effective in explaining issues but never offers any solutions. THerefor there is 0 reason to listen to him other then feel sorry for yourself
@@joshuakohn4408 I actually don’t have a problem with ADHD experts like Dr.Barkley. I have been greatly encouraged by my diagnosis which has explained so much of my life experience. What I’m saying is it is now difficult to share this with others not in ’the community’ because of the scathing ADHD-is -a-fad propaganda which is very prevalent at least here in the UK.
Impostor syndrome is very real. People who say “everybody’s a little ADHD” or “a little autistic” are full of shit. We are dealing with brains that are formed and built differently, and so function differently. They may have a trait or two, and they might struggle with it, but it’s not the same as having enough traits that affect every facet of daily life enough to lead to a diagnosis.
@@aidaa5950 'are full of shit' i hope you done a lot of research on the topic because from what i can tell other then infections most diseases are on a scale. So the fact that adhd or autism couldn't possibly be like that is ridiculous to me
Here in the UK we could do with some weighty input. There is nothing for adults with ADHD. You get diagnosed, medicated and that's it. No support. Nothing is said to families or partners. (Partners/spouses are not consulted at all during the diagnosis process.) Once you've been diagnosed the medication is tweaked, sort of, until you're "happy", and is then cut off at the drop of a hat. ADHD Teams are not integrated with any other aspect of health, mental or physical, so there's no cross over. Miss your yearly 20 minute "review" and they throw you off the service. (No reminder letters are sent out to remind you of the approach of the arranged 6 months ago appointment.) The Government is now talking openly about how "this mental health thing has gone too far". Nothing like telling people there's nothing wrong with them and then bullying them into taking poorly paid work, as a remedy for a lifelong chronic disability!
I can absolutely relate to this. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 25. I spent 2 decades creating barriers to try and pretend everything was alright when I was consistently failing to turn intent into reality. I remember walking up to find out if I had ADHD and being so intensely scared. If this isn't it then I truly am just failing. I cried when I walked out of that office and that's a rarity. *Finally*, I had a dragon I could fight, a mountain to climb. Before, I was just hanging in midair confused, lost to *why* I was so bad at doing what everyone else thought was easy. Genuinely thank you for putting out these videos. Over the last year I've put so much effort into trying to be a better me and your videos and book were a guiding light in all of it. I can confidently say I am a happier person and a huge portion of what made that possible was finding this channel and the work you've done on ADHD. Thank you so much.
Can confirm everyone's experiences here as an adult diagnosed in my 40's. So much anger and disappointment, but also relief that my experiences and pain finally had a reason behind them. I would like to add my experience of 're-grief' to the conversation. Re-grief occured when I finally accepted (waded through denial) that I needed supports in my workplace. Through an employment support program, I was given access to monthly sessions with an ADHD / Executive Function coach. The grief lasted several months as I was so disappointed that I couldn't "just pull myself together". Then there was shame that I needed this support. As time goes on and we continue to work together, I feel a bit better. Other days I just wish for retirement so I don't have to feel like an inferior employee every single day. It is not easy.
Grieving is a process that happens many, many more times in our lives, outside of actual death. Like switching jobs, moving, losing friendships and partners, projects and other stuff. It does not get enough attention/recognition/importance and can really get in the way. Which is why I'm very thankful you did this video!! I was warned beforehand, luckily, in several of our Dutch FB groups for people with ADHD. Which softened/shortened it's experience and prevented me falling deep into depression (which I'm comorbid with/for). I hope a lot of people will see this video and it gets more talked about. Allowing, understanding and going through the circular stages of grief is what's needed to move forward and really experience life to the fullest 😊
You're a treasure, Dr Barkley. It's so validating to hear you talk about this. I think what I'd add to your video is the sense of shame you can get from even feeling grief at all. I got diagnosed very recently as an adult and I had to seek out a diagnosis, so I went through the denial stage before I was officially diagnosed. I was positively euphoric when I got that confirmation that my lifelong underperforming wasn't because I wasn't trying hard enough and that there were new things I could try to address the ADHD and improve my life. But after the euphoria wore off, I'm still grieving, and sometimes I feel almost guilty about it. It's important to look forward after a diagnosis, but it's okay to still take time to be sad and angry about what we missed out on too.
Brilliantly insightful. At my diagnosis (aged 50) i was told in deadpan tones, 'Yes you have adhd, would you consider medication?' When i paused for a moment he chuckled, 'Thats all there is by the way, it's medication or nothing.' I saw the funny side, and acknowledge that at 50 i'd 'made it this far' with nothing. But soon after i was struck by exactly this grieving process, reflecting on a life of struggle as well as the life un-lived which might have been. 3 years later it still comes and goes a bit, but i came through it ok and life is good. What doesn't help : Unlike a cancer diagnosis or death of a loved one, you have no guarantee of sympathy. Not from the doctor who jokes about your lack of treatment options. Not from family and friends. Don't get too angry with them, but keep seeking people who understand. What helped me: 1. Nelson Mandela! Released after decades in prison he knew he had a stark choice: spend his remaining years trapped in bitterness and regret, or make the most of his freedom and move forward positively. 2. Don't get stuck get curious. You're not 'just' adhd - you may well have a bunch of traits and trauma and strengths and weaknesses. Build self-awareness - what really makes you tick? 3. Russ Barkly - truly a shining light, and source of essential reason in a field field full of confusion and disinformation. I found sympathy and support, i had security and stability, so i was lucky. There are folk in the comments who are really struggling - unprocessed grief readily tips into depression and often really needs clinical help.
My son's friend was playing at the house bouncing and crashing around. I went upstairs and I had this weird observation, that I could relate to that energy. I didn't want to let him continue and i said, I understand that your energy is high, but please be careful. I was then on a mission to find out if I have it, as I always felt different to my friends, I was different. I was odd. I was weird to my friends, and I was called weird. I then went into the process of being diagnosed. I did not have other mental health issues. I went to trusted friends. I desplayed the signs of adhd. I found it harder to navigate through life where some of my friends found it easy. At 45, I was diagnosed and yes, I did grieve, as back in my parents age, if a child had a diagnoses it looked bad on the parents. I am glad to finally have a diagnoses, and have embrased who I am. Love me love me not...This is me.
100% This is important to talk about and I applaud you for doing so. The video reaised a good number of useful points. I've been on forums enough to know that grief on diagnosis is a remarkably common reaction. HOWEVER, so is relief. This was my overwhelming reaction to learning about ADHD - the feeling that this condition explains most of the issues I have been facing all my life, and NOW I have the chance to begin to address those issues. More about this later, but first to say, ... ...one needs to be careful about framing an emotional reaction to an event like a diagnosis, as 'the correct thing to do'. People will feel what they feel, and it's generally valid. We get so much negativity due to our behaviour that we don't also need to be told we're not grieving our diagnosis properly. So, in my own experience, there was no reason to be angry about anything. ADHD wasn't widely appreciated in the 1970's UK, and in any case, my symptoms present more as inattentive than hyperactive. Both of my adoptive parents have passed - the only regret I have is not being able to share my understanding with them. I pretty much moved directly to exploration and fairly soon ended up at your CADDAC talks. I am sad that I have not maximised the life opportunities I have had. However, Stoicism teaches me that I cannot change the past, so the only rational response is to seek to improve the future by working in and on the present. I am waiting to access support services and medication- a wait that could take years, given the parlous state of UK' mental health services. For me, the biggest step has been self-acceptance / self-forgiveness. This has enabled me to address learned shame and low self esteem, and to move on from cycles of inattention - responding by overwork - leading to burn-out and exhaustion - back to inattention, towards structures and tools that remind me of what needs doing and what I should be doing about it, and provides some external accountability.
Hello, received my diagnosis just over a week ago, I'm 50, started on tranquilyn and experienced appropriate emotional responses for the first time ever which initially was quite wonderful but the sadness is kicking in. This is very timely information, thank you.
I was initially pleased after being diagnosed at 33 as I finally had an answer as to why I found everything more difficult than it appeared my peers did, but a year on I actually feel more poignant about it. Looking back at all the things I did as a young child, struggled to maintain friendships, never clicked into place within groups, risky behaviour as a teen, needless car accidents, and to me now looking back it seems so obvious. Even early years of motherhood, I was in a hole, and no one spotted it or saw it, I just had a messy house and it seemed like I couldn’t keep on top of things. Without the boost of awareness on social media I wouldn’t have figured it out about myself. I will be looking into some counselling to try and move past it all. I also find that people can be very nonchalant about it even after learning I have it, which I think is due to so many creators making videos listing things that most of the population also find difficult, and not stressing the major difference is we do these things all the time, and without any ability to stop. So many comments about oh well everyone’s a little adhd 🤯
I'm a late diagnosee. I was at another crisis point. I had the skill, the knowledge, the edge and funding, but couldn't put it into practice. I was disgusted with myself for being so ineffectual. My assumption (from my absolutely awful upbringing) was that it was a moral failing and it was crushing [1]. During this crisis I ready for any idea / solution (some I tried were a huge mistake). I read your book and it could have been an autobiography. You have a self-test in there and I was something like 9/10. I thought I had a very good level of self-awareness so it blindsided me. It was obvious that: A: There was truth to this adhd thing (not just kids with too much sugar), and B: It was something very significant that I couldn't perceive correctly about my self. It was hard to believe that I'm one of those "adhd people". Also I was extremely angry that so many professionals (I came in contact with many because of my behavior when I was younger) completely failed me during those precious years. I feel like I have been robbed by these incompetents. How can it be fair to be so negligent and face no consequences? How can you do this to someone and just get away with it? (I suppose I'm still at the anger stage). [1]: There are truly idle people out there for whom this definitely IS a moral failing. Nothing about adhd changes that as a thing that exists in the world. I am not one of those people. I may be / have been ineffectual but I am ABSOLUTELY NOT idle / lazy.
I am in my mid 40s and have dealt with chronic anxiety and depression since my diagnosis in college (though symptoms were there before obviously). But even with years of professional help, I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until a couple years ago. Initially, I felt like a lightbulb came on and so much started to make more sense. I hovered in the denial phase for awhile thinking that while I have ADHD, it wouldn’t be a huge deal for me. I went through stages of anger, depression, and bargaining. I think I’m still in the midst of that at times as I’ve come closer to acceptance but I’m still struggling. I definitely feel a lot of sadness about ways my life could have been different if I had known earlier and about the unhealthy coping mechanisms I used that ultimately burned me out. I still have hope that with a good support system (now) and better understanding of things, I will in time build myself back to a better place. I know it won’t be easy so that worries me, but I am trying.
Grief has been a real issue for me, having been diagnosed 2.5 years ago at age 52. After 6 months of elation at finally understanding my brain better and medicating it, I spent the next year seriously angry and depressed (and often, drunk) with grief. Now, I'm finding the old adage about grieving a lost loved one to be true: you never get over it, you just learned to live with it better. I'm far from where I want to be on this, but working on it. Thanks for this video.
When I learned at 27 about how adhd can show up in women and started recognising that my whole life I wasn’t just “fucked up” but maybe I just had adhd and also that there are treatment options I was initially very excited. Hyperfocused on everything adhd. So I thought that I’d be relieved hearing the diagnosis. At first it was kinda satisfying to hear “I have no doubts it’s adhd” from my psychiatrist. But the moment I went out of his office the grief hit me - both the feeling of wasted time and efforts, the grief over kid me always being criticised over things I didn’t have control of etc. But the worst part was to realise that there are certain parts of me that aren’t fixable. Until the diagnosis I’d been doing my best to be “better at life”. But the diagnosis made me realise I have to learn how to live WITH my shortcomings instead of learning how to get rid of them by trying hard enough. It ripped off my delusional hopes that one day I won’t be “fucked up” by just trying enough
Any psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, or mental health professional should adopt this as a common practice. Whether the patient chooses medication, therapy, or both, the patient (especially adults) or their parent should be warned beforehand that they will be confronted with a reality that is substantially different than the one they remember prior to diagnosis and treatment, which can be very emotionally jarring. Not only is there a recognition and reconciliation/reckoning with past events we were previously unaware were caused by ADHD, but the new understanding of the present and a redefining of the future. It is an entirely new version of the patient’s personal narrative. It wouldn’t have change my mind about treatment, but would have at least prepared me for the emotional roller coaster and associated thoughts that ADHD treatment introduces. I explained this to my treatment team and they’re considering adjusting their practice because of it. I’m definitely going to show them this video. Thank you!
Even though I always accepted in what I consider an uneducated way that I have had ADD all my life, once I learned as an adult, how all pervasive that is and what that diagnosis really means, it really sunk into my core how many areas of my life this really has affected me. I also struggle with the frustration of varying opinions of doctors where some, such as my primary care doctor, who is not in support of ADD meds, and my psychiatrist and psychologist team who do and have been of great support. I am currently managing feelings of frustration and grief combined, because there are still many biases against those opting to take medication. I have had to also manage the feelings of shame as I accept that medication really is the right choice for me, even though for years I tried to manage my symptoms without it because some of my doctors stigmatized it. We also live in a culture where it is stigmatized and people who do not believe that this is a real issue for people. That term has been thrown around like a catch phrase in our culture, instead of being used properly and people being educated about what it really means. I also had grief when I realized that taking medication does not mean suddenly you don't have ADD symptoms any longer and that there is really no way to gain blood flow to the frontal lobe and accepting this is a permanent issue I will deal with for my entire life. I realize that there is also grief associated for those who choose to take medication to help, that because there are often national shortages of the medication, when I go to fill my prescription, I feel like some kind of crazy person when I have to call around seeking out who has it in stock that month. There is grief associated with having to constantly be justifying the need for the medication and staying on top of this as well. I was really able to feel that grief on the medication because for all this time, I have managed my ADD by forms of dissociation, so now that I am more attuned to myself, I have had to manage the initial recognition of how many years I have gone making sub-par choices that have not set me up for success with regards to every thing and person that makes up my life. Being in my 40's now, I feel very much behind the 8 ball in life and am trying to be gentler with myself and am taking it one step at a time as I begin making healthier and more productive choices for both my financial and emotional well-being. Thank you for this video and this channel as I think sometimes people do not discuss the grief that comes with this diagnosis.
Dear Dr. Barkley, I just found your channel. I have an urge to write an essay thanking you. I will try to keep it brief. This is the first time. In my 28 years of life, I feel understood. All my life I was blaming myself, hating myself. And when I found out I cried and cried. And when you said " what could have been". Even now I am crying while writing this. I wanted to be just like you. Only thing that made sense to me was helping people, people who are in pain. I wanted to help others because I was in pain and I know how hard it is. But no matter how hard I tried, I could never get my math grades up, to apply for Psychology uni. "I guess you never wanted it enough"... 10 years have passed since then, and now I do have a job I'm content with, but after seeing you , I just want to say thank you. Words can't describe how thankful I am. I am not cured, but I am understood. Thank you.
I didn't experience grief until the first time I started to become desensitized to my medications. At first, it was only good news because the treatment was so effective, the future seemed very bright. It wasn't until later that I realized it would be a balance between symptoms and side-effects my whole life and the honeymoon phase would be difficult or impossible to sustain. Then I started to become frustrated with the past, as well.
Thank you as always for the information and for advocating for us. I was finally diagnosed in the last few years in my 40s and am still in the grief process as I'm realizing how much I lost by being misdiagnosed so many times. My most devastating ADHD misdiagnosis happened when I was halfway through earning my MBA. Who knows how my life could've turned out had I actually gotten help and answers to why I struggle so much with everyday things that come much easier to others! While I did power through to earn the degree, it completely broke me. I've been burned out ever since and haven't worked full time in over a decade, but I never understood what my deal was until finally getting an accurate ADHD diagnosis and treatment. Thankfully, the nurse practitioner who diagnosed me suggested therapy. My therapist had me read a book about grieving and finding meaning in the loss, and I'm now doing that by writing my own book and will be launching my own RUclips channel to help others advocate for themselves in medical situations. I've had a ridiculous number of conditions missed or misdiagnosed including metastatic cancer in my early 30s, and I've learned so much to help myself that I want to share to help others.
I was relieved when I had my way to-late CDS diagnosis in 2021, but the months long waves of overwhelming happiness and simultaneous regret from how much the medication was changing my life and me for the better was something I wasn't prepared for. And that's despite being forewarned about how emotional it might be. I still frequently feel like I'm floating in space. On one hand there's the new possible challenges and roads my life can now take, on the other there's the realization that there's a basic level of time management, organization and social life maintenance that beforehand I thought I just needed to learn, since everyone else with my skill set seems able to do it, but I now know that will forever be completely out of my reach. I simply will never be able to - for instance - do multiple projects at a time, not even messaging the producers of the next project when they ask for the simplest information. No amount of time management tips and tricks or coaching has been able to change that before and nothing ever will.
After getting diagnosed just under two months ago at the age of twenty, I am still flicking between the bargaining and depression stages. It still doesn't feel real. I still remember my mums reaction the second the lovely lady told us that I had ADHD. The guilt she felt at the fact she didn't notice earlier, that I had gone through twenty years without her knowing and being able to support me more. Thanks to the lady who diagnosed me who explained part of the reason was because she had subconsciously been supporting me and adjusting things throughout my life and that was part of the reason it took so long, she was such a good mum that it took me moving out for the full display of symptoms and us realising maybe I need to get tested. Sent this video to her because I know she still struggles with my diagnosis, but both her and my dad have been godsends, I honestly don't know how I would have got through the diagnosis without them.
I was diagnosed a few days ago with Adult Adhd, combined type, and I'm a 45 year old woman. I'm going between feeling numb and crying for the life I could have had - I SHOULD have had. Bizarrely, I'm remembering things I said or did that I would cringe for days about, and forgiving myself. No idea why it feels such a comfort, but right now I can't see where I go from here and forgiving myself for the relentless mental beatings I gave myself seems a pretty good place to start ❤
Was diagnosed six months ago at 34 and I've definitely gone through these stages and waves of grief. Anger and depression for sure and those moments still hit me. A few moments of denial thinking "maybe this is a mistake". I've even bargained a some as well thinking I'll just power through and fix it myself. But it's been hard to accept, honestly. As I'm working on finding the right medication and seeing a therapist/coach to develop new strategies and perspective, it feels like I'm living someone else's life. I know acceptance and integration will come. Thank you for highlighting this process for us.
I am 1.5yrs post diagnosis at 51, and feeling like ive finally reached full acceptance after a lot if grief even though yes, i was relieved to be diagnosed and happy to have answers. No regrets!
In my mid 30s I originally started seeing a family psychiatrist and a therapist to help support another family member when I was asked about my own childhood, family history, experiences with school, career etc. After answering the doc she said that it was clear that I had ADHD and after explaining the symptoms prescribed medication for it, which honestly had a profound effect on me. Prior to her diagnosis I had never considered that I might have it, but after a little reflection I had to admit she was right and it was obvious that the condition ran quite deep in my family so I can't say as I was ever really in denial of my diagnosis, but it did come with some sadness and regret at what might have been. When my son was diagnosed a few years later I felt guilty for having passed my ADHD, and the difficulties that come with it onto him, but along with the doctor's help we've done what we can as a family to support him and as a result he's doing a lot better than I was at his age and I'm very proud of him.
thanks for this, i got diagnosed a little over a month ago at the age of 33, At 1st they gave me concerta which made me so hapopy and realized i wast the piece of shit i always used to call my self because of all my shortcomings, but after 3 weeks ive been feeling so angry and depressed about my past decisions and future doubts, that made me question if the medication stopped working, yesterday i cried myself to sleep and cried again today when i watched this video, at least made me feel normal to hear that it is a normal reaction. so thanks for that, hope you are all doing well stay strong.
I think it is a reason to celebrate not grief. The symptoms are with you sometimes for years and you don't know what is going on. Finally someone gives it a name and tells you that it can be eased, you can be helped. What the relief?! How possibly people being troubled day by day with symptoms can grief that what bothers them has a name and can be helped?!
This is a great topic. I've had grief about both my children's diagnoses. As a psychologist I also talk about it with many of my ADHD assessment and therapy clients. It can really take many months and be quite difficult for some people.
I was diagnosed about 7yrs ago and I am still feeling a great deal of grief. Likely because I was diagnosed in my late 30s and my life is in shambles. So many relationships wrecked, opportunities squandered, etc
My husband has ADHD. For the first 15 years of our marriage it was undiagnosed and I was so angry I wanted to leave him. When I saw that his behavior wasn’t intentional It made life better. My husband has enriched my life beyond any expectations. What I want to say is that you are more than this diagnosis. We all have strengths and weaknesses. It may take longer to get your life together but you will and when you do you will be stronger for it.
(8:24) I approached an ADHD clinic as an adult a year ago in 2023 through my own initiative. My denial and anger had more or less been worked through already since I had known there was something wrong with me. I was simply relieved that the search was over. Unfortunately however, I bargained for way too long after the diagnosis and wasted the greater portion of last year with my prescriptions collecting dust on the shelf, investigating the dead ends of self-help theories and self-medication attempts. After one of these critical incidents you mentioned at (12:37) happened, I found myself in a serious depression which only made the consequences of the incident worse. Feeling a bit more grounded, I've resumed my medication and am attempting to educate myself on this condition as much as I can. Here's to the hope in a salvageable present and future worth more focus than the wreckage of the past. Cheers!
This video brings home just how much we still have to learn about adhd, and how much of an asset to this learning your work has been and continues to be via these videos. I've gone through all stages of grief with startling accuracy once I got diagnosed at 27 years old. Fortunately by that time I was a part of a few online forums discussing adhd, so I had some forewarning. I've grieved all the difficulties I had that could have been avoided if only I were diagnosed sooner, I grieved the person I could have been if not for my adhd... There's a lot to grieve, and it's an important process to go through. Acceptance is needed to lead a fulfilling life with (or despite) adhd.
Thank you for this channel, Dr. Barkley. It has been a great source of information. God bless you! I personally never did grieve when I got my diagnosis, I just fell a profound sense of relief that finally my life made sense. I think you may be right about the grieving and the seeking of treatment. I probably haven't sought as much help as I should. Thanks for motivating me to do more about my ADHD
If it helps anyone, my daughter was diagnosed at age six and I wondered about ADHD when she was as young as 2 or 3... I think a key to diagnosis is educating and/or diagnosing the older generations who can then recognise it early in their children. I had no idea my husband likely has adhd until I was educating myself on it for my daughter's sake! I definitely grieved for her and found her diagnosis extremely emotional even though I had suspected adhd for a while... and I am still sad that she will likely find school and life harder than others, but I'm very grateful that we can help her at such a young age.
I have lived 43 years with it and just a few weeks ago I had a diagnose... I didn't know why I was so sad, so so sad, i cried a lot, i felt sorry for my self, for all those wrong "decisions" I made, my adolescent pregnant, the 4 times I stoped my carrer, my bankruptcy, among others.. then I felt embarrassed for feeling sad for my self, then I got angry with all those profesional that saw my when I had my epileptic seizures when I was 14, and now I feel hope for who I will be this second half of my life embrasing my ADHD
This is so true. Even before actual diagnosis (at 60) I had tried to convince my self that all I had to do was SHUT MY MOUTH and I'd be OK. But I could not do it. I think that was like bargaining, as it was my reaction to recognizing that impulsive speaking was a big problem fpr me. (It did not work, not at all.)
I think my grief was delayed. Intially I felt relieved when diagnosed at 30. It finally explained so much I had been dealing with and the medication helped. But 3 years on I find myself feeling very disassociated from who I am. Every so often I start crying with frustration about it all and I feel like an imposter (i.e. do I actually have ADHD or am I unconsciously faking it to make excuses).
It's weird. I was kind of relieved 2 years ago when I was told casually by a friend and then a general practitioner that they were convinced I had ADHD, and my resulting research and working with what I learned helped in my life. Everything made some kind of sense. Then very recently I had the chance to get an official diagnosis from a renowned ADHD specialized Psychiatrist, and he confirmed the diagnosis. At that moment I felt a crushing sadness that I didn't expect. Maybe I had hoped it wasn't really really true - ? 😢 It's really knocked me for a loop.
Very interesting. In my experience as a psychologist assessing adults for ADHD , I see more grieving when it turns out they don't have ADHD. Or they come in convinced they have ADHD and are almost elated when it's confirmed. But I can see why they would grieve if they came in for something else or were convinced by family members to get assessed and they receive an ADHD diagnosis. Keep up the great videos Dr. Barkley!
This hit hard. This video is true for a variety of conditions. When I look back, it wasn't the lack of knowledge but deliberate ignorance. It is obvious a child with behavior problems combined with asynchronous development needs professional help. It's not difficult to educate yourself, every person with a condition have done so. We should start holding parents responsible for their failure to understand their child and we should judge them very harshly. They should be riddled with guilt for deliberately neglecting their child medical needs. I made my mom cry when I brought up how they failed helping me. We definitely need a shaming culture.
I am still in grief with my diagnosis of ADHD seven months ago. It severely affected my relationship with my partner for over 30 years, and then she died from cancer six months ago.
Thank you so much for covering this. I definitely grieved my diagnosis. Before I was even diagnosed. It took for my child to get diagnosed for me to go down the rabbit hole of adhd. I think I will always grieve...
Diagnosed close to 30 years old, after struggling with serious anxiety for most of my life and never knowing why. At the start, a large part of the grief was disappointment in my parents. My grandma had suspected when I was little that I had ADHD, but my parents never took me to get diagnosed. They tried to discipline the ADHD traits out of me (which of course never worked and just broke my self-esteem). One thing that helps is accepting that there’s no quick fix and embracing the struggles instead of resisting them. Only in recent years have I come to accept that my parents, with the knowledge they have, are incapable of supporting me on this journey, but that’s ok, I’m fully capable of figuring out how to manage this. I find the Facebook support groups for ADHD to be very validating. Turn to those that understand who want to support you, instead of dwelling on those that don’t or don’t understand.
Hi, ok, you ask in your video description for comments about reactions to the diagnosis, particularly regarding grieving about it. I have recently been diagnosed. As a 63 year old I have been coping for a long time, beginning in early childhood with what looked like severe dyslexia - though that was never diagnosed either. I have managed, despite diagnosis of severe mixed ADHD, to 'achieve' a number of things, but the effort needed was colossal, and the self dislike as I instinctively felt different from those around me was intense. I always felt that I was bluffing my way through things, always inferior to others. Always the impostor. I'm still processing the diagnosis. Watching videos where people describe their ADHD is so helpful, as I instantly recognise the various symptoms. It does help to know that others, and indeed lots of them, have experienced similar problems - though I'm certainly not celebrating that of course. I did doubt the diagnosis at first, and still do at times. I am angry at teachers, especially meditation teachers, for not being aware enough of how different the ADHD mind is. It may not be their fault, but the constant criticism and disaproval was crushing. I'm not sure that I've arrived at acceptance, but that is where I'm heading. Meanwhile I'm 'bargaining'. Now that I know what the problem is, perhaps I can solve it without the medication? On the up side, it is SO helpful to finally know what 'the problem' has always been, and I am already shifting my perspective about myself. It's channels like yours that are helping with all of this. Thank you.
What about the Friend Flooding phase, when you tell all your friends about The Curse, over and over, because you find the diagnosis so important? And of course the "I temporarily forgot that I'm grieving" phase, when hyperfocus gets activated.
I finally made it to another stage of anger recently (people often cycle though the grief stages multiple times). Anger at society for making everything so hard: to understand what it was I was dealing with, to get the diagnosis in the first place, to ask for accommodations, and to realize now as I go through life how much more work I have to do because things are set up without neurodivergence in mind. I'm just so angry. Angry at manufacturers for not producing enough medication. Angry at governments for making getting treatment so hard. Angry at others for accusing me of laziness, not trying hard enough, being weird, zoning out, whatever. Angry at myself for taking all that to heart and accusing myself of the same things. Angry at beating myself up regularly for not being good enough. It's no wonder I was constantly dealing with autistic and depressive burnouts. At 40, I finally got my diagnoses for ADHD-combined type and ASD. A year later, I'm still processing, still grieving, still questioning. Yes, people should be prepared by their doctors for this. It's a whole heck of a lot to take in. A whole lot to look at in a new perspective. Relationships will be affected. Work will be affected. Your perception will be affected. Your skills will be affected. To not prepare someone is to fail them. A diagnosis without therapy and understanding is basically no help at all.
I was diagnosed at 35 but the initial moment of diagnosis was just relief because it meant that I wasn't defective. However, the grief hit HARD when I found the right meds and they started working and I was blown away by how easy everything was; it like... "is this how (most of) the rest of the world lives?" No wonder it's been so hard for me, but it could have been so much easier with an earlier diagnosis. Lots of anger (directed at professionals and parents), denial (I must just be having a good month), bargaining (I'll just take meds until I learn better coping skills).. and so on...
I just got my ADHD diagnosis last week, aged 55. I waited 3 years and 2 months to be assessed and diagnosed, here in the UK. (Which is “fast” now, compared to current waiting times of up to 8 years, maybe more … unless you go private.) During the waiting time, I went through several stages. After scoring highly on various screening tools, reading and listening to more infos about ADHD, it became very clear to me that I have ADHD. And that’s when I started to grief. And my mind wandering could turn this into nightmarish impulsive rollercoasters, that lead to panic attacks. (Especially when I could not distract myself, for example when dishwashing or in the shower.) The worst thing was that I had no confirmation for so long. And that was unbearable: because I needed to remain open to the possibility that I did not, in fact, have ADHD. So, my grief was rolling onwards, but also my mind was constantly jumping between the grieving path and doubt! It was completely tearing me apart, and unbearable! I needed to get help, and eventually found a mental health clinician to talk to. We could not talk a lot, time was very limited, unfortunately. But at least I got the confirmation that my problems could plausibly be explained with ADHD (+ autism + anxiety + a few others). This was not a reliable assessment, more time with a specialist was needed. But at least I could allow myself to accept that I quite likely have ADHD … and let the grief roll, and go through some of the stages. Now, about my grief. I was suspecting that I had ADHD (and autism) when I was 25, and even before that. But back then this did not lead to a diagnosis, for various reasons (mostly because far less was known back then about adult ADHD). And it would not have helped much either, because the chances that I would get treated as an adult back then were rather low. But knowing that I tried my best to get help, back then, helped me to not blame myself over the last 3 years, at least. That helped me in my grief. Of course, I would have been able to achieve some of my life goals. (What I miss most are: children, career, some money, better at sustaining relationships.) But the scientific / medical understanding was just not there, back then. I had to rely on my own coping mechanisms. (And after hearing about non-medical ways to deal with ADHD, I must say that my own ways to cope with ADHD were not so bad. So, something to be proud of.) So, who / what was to blame for my grief? My step mother, an EEG nurse who told me back when I was 25 that I “have nothing”? Well, yes, she should have believed me more, the empathy would have helped. And it would have helped to make my father believe me more. But, as unfortunate and hurtful as this is, it did not prevent anything major. In the end, I do believe that I fell into the category of people who are just born a bit too early to benefit from scientific and medical progress for their afflictions or conditions. 60 years ago, people died of illnesses that can now be healed. 30 years ago, people died of AIDS … which can now be held in check by treatment. And more and more people are even able to survive cancer now. It is a sad but otherwise pretty normal reality that people will suffer and even die from afflictions that will be treatable years later. So, I realized that there is not so much to grief about. I am just one of many, many people who suffered because humans just do not know everything, and there is still a lot of progress to be made. I did my best, and others also tried their best. Yes, I could have done without the attacks on me and my self-esteem. But *I* always knew that I tried my best. So, there was little that could have happened differently. I do believe that I will go through grief about this again, at least some of it, at times, and re-process some of my past. And maybe I will get grief counseling at some point … now that I can be sure that I have ADHD. And I will probably have to help my poor old father, and to some extent my stepmother, to grief. But also, we will see how much improvement for ADHD (and anxiety, etc.) I can make with proper treatment. And what I can still achieve, at my age. I will certainly try. And I will continue to be grateful for the things I can have or experience: my wonderful wife, some good times with people online, learning more through self-help groups, and maybe even a few professional achievements … who knows? - One of my biggest wishes *still* is to have my own children. I know, I am plenty old for that. But if I can, I will fight for that. We will see if that can be possible at all for me. All the best to your own grief journey!
I was diagnosed at 30 after I already graduated college and got a job. Soon after, my brother, sister, and uncle were all diagnosed. I definitely grieved and continue to grieve as I learn more about the disease as a whole. My life could have been a LOT easier if I was diagnosed and received proper treatment earlier in life. I also may not have even been diagnosed if not for people like you on the Internet and social media spreading awareness. Thank you for continuing to provide education. I'm very thankful for you and your continued work and dedication! ❤
Grief has been one wild ride since my ADHD diagnosis a year ago at 48. My son got his diagnosis six months earlier at age eight, so it’s been a bit of a family affair. While today’s world is more accepting, it’s hard not to play the "what could’ve been" game. Take my son, now 10, for example-he recently crushed computational mathematics and earned a distinction at school. It's amazing to see him thrive, but it also highlights my own school struggles, having dropped out at 15. Sure, it led to some interesting adventures, on a none conventional path, but it also meant facing societal biases and extra hurdles. So, grief? Yeah, it’s still hanging around, like that awkward party guest who just won’t leave. But hey, at least we can laugh about it and celebrate the upsides that come our way.
Sometime you got surprice 😊. This night I haven't slept (took the ADD med., so late), but also under the day yesterday I greif'd and I name the emotions bye myself without any knowledge this exist 🤯😀. I grief my life that could have been, familie, education, job, traveling, privet project toghether with a partner, instead I have convinced myself and others "if it had been importent to me, I had fix it" and belived it (of cause it can bee true). I grief it's so late in life now. I grief my full potential haven't been used. Bad for me, bad for people that could have get good stuff of it and bad for the statue-so much vaist money for "nothing". I grief all bad things I have told myself, and others have sad to me. I grief because I am sad for my previos me - and my me now (a little). I grief because it does'nt feels fair/right that so much have been so havey. But I accept that I grief! Start to accept that I don't need to do all things self, started I about 6 m after diagnos, and it us in progress. Diagnos itself get me explanations and understanding to all this why I have asked myself. That was a positive thing. But Yes I get depressed after a few m. Not until today I understand that to get the diagnos could be the why I get de depression.
I was not warned when I was diagnosed at 39. Initially I felt relief and validation, but over the course of the next weeks and months, this all descended on me. I don’t know if I’ve resolved it 9 years later, the same way I still grieve a pregnancy loss. I’ve reached what kubler-Ross meant by acceptance - just that I have adjusted my life around it now. But I hate having adhd and find myself going through all these phases repeatedly. It’s really depressing sometimes. I’ve started doing ketamine treatments for the depression and that’s been helpful so far.
I was just relieved and grateful for the longest time because I finally had the language and paradigm to communicate to my therapists, drs and support system what I struggled with. I never was one to look back at what could have been and mull over my regrets. But recently my mom told me than back in third grade there were discussions of moving me up a few years and she declined because of the social problems it might cause me.. But I sort of started spiraling and I keep thinking this could have been the key to diagnosing me earlier, or to at least not be in almost physical pain due to boredom and then be labeled as lazy (ofc then I might have had to deal with burnout in college and still be a drop out- it always cathces up to u). Idk you just can't know when it will get triggered but I've come to think it's inevitabl; the results of being undiagnosed are almost always severe enough to give you reason to mourn.
I spent from 13 to 28 years old making a joke of it and avoiding medication. Without knowing I I was self medicating with meditation, exercise, diet, art, and high stress jobs. I am grateful I finally matured enough to realize I was making life harder and less fulfilling than it needed to be for so long, but thanks to a strong avoidance I was able to establish a career without school from technology interests. I never would've thought of the process as grief before, but I'm still reflecting angrily at how little effort was made to tell a teenager he didn't know everything already. It's cost so much in friends, family, jobs, relationships, and tending to other chronic illnesses the ADHD made easy to ignore or postpone. And that's the worst part - avoiding diabetes or dental care or OCD or something like that. It's hard to tell a doctor what's wrong if you don't know which things are common to most people and which are actually disabling, given the faulty internal clocks we have. The thing that feels good is always way shorter than the 2 pages of a book we read that took us 2 hours.
I had no grief when I received a diagnosis. To realize that I wasnt just a fuck up and that there was something that I could do was a good feeling. A diagnosis led to learning and learning led to awareness. Yeah, it kinda sucked when I realized that all those quirky personality traits where mostly bullet points on a symptom list. Do I still annoy the hell out of my wife, absolutely, but things are improving. The only regret is that I never got the chance to build the skills to deal with it when I was young. So many missed opportunities.
Dear Sir, You've received a diagnosis of neurodivergent. This is the MOST TREATABLE neurological disorder there is. Your brain will respond quickly with medication/medications and theapy. You have obviously lived with this for many years. Therefore, you have already developed coping mechanisms without realizing it. Do not underestimate yourself. CHANGE THE THINGS THAT YOU CAN, ACCEPT THAT GRIEVING IS HEALTHY, BE KIND TO YOURSELF, EMBRACE HELP. Manners, kindness and prayers
I was diagnosed young like 8’years old and was on a variety of medications throughout childhood and my teens. When my psych closed his practice when i was 22 i failed to find someone else to continue my rx. So for 8 years I’ve gone un medicated and assumed i could just deal with it. Now im at the brink of losing a loving relationship because of it and im going through the greif that’s i couldn’t as a child. The greif of realizing maybe i wouldn’t have struggled so much in my 20s if i kept going and maybe i wouldn’t have royally messed up my relationship. Where would i be now if i had kept going
I never grieved , there was nothing to grieve . I was happy that I had answers . Also, you can't change your past , you can work to change your future .My mom had no way to know , it was the 90s . I accepted myself a long time ago , I had one thing that was beneficial odd or some sort of it.
I was furious when I got my diagnosis at 35. All the years of being mocked for being lazy, for not being able to focus on things I found boring, the utter callousness of doctors who told me that the myriad thoughts in my brain are a sign of psychosis, the inner wounds I had suffered. Now I knew why my education took so much more effort and time - but nobody would ever care. I cried a lot in the first year or so whenever I thought about it. It didn't help that I was told by two psychiatrists and one GP that adults should not need medication and that I should just pull myself together.
I think what helped was engaging with ADHD on the internet (learning more about it) and seeking some form of solace in things like ADHD memes (so that I could laugh, even if a bit teary eyed, about it).
I still get angry and sad sometimes, but only rarely.
I am so sorry you had such poor treatment from the medical community. My daughter was recently diagnosed. Her doctor has been such an incredible support for her in this journey and never shamed her about medication. I pray you now have some good supportive physicians.
Same here and 9 years later since my adhd diagnosis, I'm a completely different person for the better.
I just got my diagnosis like last 2 months I'm almost 34. The griefing has been intense. It has recontextualized my entire life where a lot of my internalized negative self talk is from people who were just describing my adhd as a character flaws and shaming me for it. The sheer weight of suffering that's been caused by this and then me beating myself up over it (why can't I just will it) will probably continue to make me cry. Educating myself has connected so many little dots. I appreciate videos like this that can bring a little relief or at least validation for our experience.
I understand..
It's painful..
My parents didn't care enough to recognize..
And then once again, I asked my GP that almost could have ended me. I ASKED HIM..
It's painful..
YEARS and YEARS lost also cuz of ASD level 1.
I also have C-ptsd.. abusive family who did so much damage
@@thetravalanche if you do the work now to process, you will thank yourself very much later.
Enlightened/Diagnosed twenty years ago aged 54, I was so thrilled to finally understand why a lifetiime of effort had brought little reward. The self-hatred that started mid-thirties gradually dissipated. However, now, at 74, I GRIEVE ‼because of insuffiencient time, energy, resources to make the life i desired
I fell fore your lost time
I'm 74, self diagnosed AuDHD about 15 months ago. I flip back and forth between feeling intense gratitude for knowing it was never my fault, and yet that doesn't relieve the sorrow of how things turned out. So yes, the grief is a companion along with the gratitude. Doing Life Review is bittersweet because now I know why things often derailed. As a parent of 3 neurodivergent kids I am focusing on being relieved when any of them succeeds in an area I failed in. It's some solace....
I’m 74 and also grieve for missed opportunities caused by low self esteem and just being female. I’m guessing that you had the strength, courage and dignity to make the best with what you had. It’s natural at our age to look back and judge (so my therapist says). Think of your successes.
I empathize with you. I was just diganosed at 51 - over half a year of unknowingly fighting with undtreated ADHD - assuming I just had character and personality flaws that made me "difficult". I can imagine how this develops as you get older and realize all the things you didn't get to do/prepare for/create because of the ADHD being undetected and untreated. Hugs to you.
I remember talking about it with my therapist, and she just sorta brushed it off. "So, what are you gonna do about it?" Made me feel bad about feeling bad!
That happened to me too. Therapists brushing it off to get to the skills and strategies to help manage ADHD.
I was diagnosed at 49, a little less than three years ago. The actual diagnosis was almost a relief - at that time, all of the systems and coping mechanisms I'd subconsciously put in place over the years were failing catastrophically (probably due in part to menopausal changes, which I think you've covered as well) and I couldn't figure out what was going on until I saw a story from the Chesapeake Center about women and ADHD. What I grieved, and still do from time to time, was that there were many things in my childhood that could have been different if perhaps we knew what was going on. I had very few friends, I struggled with emotional dysregulation and had next to zero frustration tolerance. I was always told I was "gifted" but school was a Sisyphean struggle, I was forever forgetting assignments, procrastinating and often bored. I had sensory stuff that was blown off. College was very difficult because of the lack of structure combined with all the other baggage. How much more could I have accomplished? How much earlier could I have had success in the workplace? How would my relationships be different? Those are the things I grieve. The diagnosis finally gave a name to the patchwork collection of symptoms and experience and has helped me understand myself a little better. Did meds fix everything? No. Do they help rein in the chaos? Yes, they absolutely do. I know they don't work the same for everyone, but they have helped me, and the way they work for me gives me a bit of space to set myself up better. Thank you, as always, Dr B, for your research and advocacy.
I went/still occasionally go through smaller waves of grief. It was a relief to be given treatment and at the same time, sad & shameful for me at least. It took me almost a year to fully accept it and stop skipping medicine or non-medical adjustments. One thing is for sure, CLARITY is soothing. resources like this channel, books, practices, etc, + small adjustments contribute to hope and keeps me from getting depressed/developing other disorders.
I experience a lot of grief, anger, and some resentment, but it's not related to the actual diagnosis at all. That was a relief and a vindication. It's all centered on the past and, to some extent, the present that I could have had.
i hear you
Same. Dx today. I’m processing a gamut of emotions.
So important to talk about this. I was thrilled when I got the diagnosis and got meds, because I thought it meant I was cured. But months later when the truth of what life was going to be like really landed, it hollowed me out for years. I still deal with grief sometimes, and it’s been 15 years.
This victim mindset only makes things worse, i was struggling but still keeping up before i got diagnosed. After diagnoses i became one of these adhd cry babies. All this proffesor does is tell you why you suck and can't belong in society while trying to get people on meds. It's completely useless and none of these idiots have a solution other then make you feel worse which will lead to worse results. If you want improvement i suggest you start moving your body and stop combining high dopamine activities like smoking or drinking while watching movies. You be alright. best of luck
What has life been like since you got the diagnosis and meds?
I have never grieved my daughter's diagnosis. But that's because I'm grieving my own. After her teacher spotted the signs and suggested we have her evaluated, I got a textbook on ADHD (edited by Dr. Barkley in fact) and read it cover to cover ... and suddenly so much of my life made sense. And not only my life, but others in older generations of my family, some of whom are no longer with us and who will never know why they were the way they were.
I don't know if I'll ever stop being angry. At all the teachers who told me I was lazy and "wasting my potential" instead of even once showing compassion and checking to see if something else was going on. Sometimes at my parents, for dismissing my problems and concerns (but in their defense, the hereditary nature of ADHD means they grew up normalizing these things). I'm angry that I'll never know what I could have done or who I could have been if even one person had shown me that compassion. And you know what? I'm okay being angry. Because they failed me, and I'm allowed anger about that.
I don't grieve my daughter's diagnosis because it came early enough that I can do my best to make sure she won't have to go through what I went through. I'm making sure she has the medication and support she needs, and the knowledge to understand how her brain works and how she can adapt to solve problems in ways that work for her. Her diagnosis led to mine, but our outcomes will be very different, and I am so happy for that.
Oh I can understand your anger sooo well! I got diagnosed recently ( 53 years old) and it is such a mixture of feelings: relief, sadness, grief and yes , definitely ANGER. What if I would have known earlier? My life would have been so different… 😕
Thank you for sharing your story! Good that you can help your daughter!🌻
Given the circumstances of my youth, I never felt any anger over my lack of diagnosis. but I still struggle with grief over the life I wanted to have. The life I thought I could I have before my breakdown and diagnosis. Double the fun to go through this all at the onset of middle age!
I recognized the parallels to grieving but didn’t know it was actually a thing. I’m glad to hear it is and what I’m experiencing is normal and necessary.
I’m still disappointed about the lack of the dad joke but I understand why you wouldn’t include it in this particular upload.
Thank you for this channel, your lifelong work and dedication. You are a mondial treasure.
I'm stunned. This is never discussed. My adult diagnosis was one of the darkest days of my life: it removed hope. It changed the way my spouse thought of me for the worse. The hope was misguided, but we'd had it. I experience complicated, unresolved, grieving that is re-inflamed every time I have an ADHD crisis. Like an athlete who's lost a limb, the diagnosis is a constant reminder that my life will never be what I'd hoped for. Like someone with a chronic, infectious, illness, the diagnosis stands between me and everyone I consider letting get close to me, as the chaos of ADHD impacts everyone in its vicinity. When things go well, I have imposter syndrome; when things go poorly, the anger can only turn inward. I've lost my career, my wife, my child, my siblings, my friends, my job. Worse, I've lost hope. I understand the chronic mental illness now; I use that knowledge to minimize how often grenades blow up in my hand. But my the diagnosis remains the day my hope for a normal, stable, life, died.
I hear you. I hate not being normal, especially in a life of constantly being reminded that I'm not, by other people as well as my own mishaps. It's hard getting up and going on sometimes. But, It helps me to remind myself "normal" is different for everybody. this is just my normal.
This, exactly. There was no sense of relief. I lost my partner - because I was “always going to be like this” and my failures irritated him so intensely. Before him, my husband you to scream at me “you should be medicated” and when I would ask what for (as I had no diagnosis - I was used to being me, always just getting it wrong) he said “for something, because you aren’t normal and you are impossible to live with!” I managed a home and a family of 5 kids and a full time job and constantly active volunteer work … but I am scattered and distracted and always going 100-miles an hour taking on too many things.
I always felt that I just needed to learn to “get it together”. My diagnosis came after a psychiatric evaluation for depression and anxiety that medication couldn’t treat… and it was like I had been punched in the gut.
I’m permanently broken. There’s no “fixing” this. I’m in my 50s and almost no one my age believes in it, and the medications have such a bad rap in my age demographic.
The diagnosis actually felt/feels like a death sentence - or a sentence to be permanently single. The idea that I could have been made better in childhood has no part in the grief. I never would have been diagnosed in the 70’s - I was just an ill-behaved girl who needed to sit still and pay attention and wait her turn and KEEP QUIET. I have all of my school report cards saying exactly this. Honestly, I think that if I had known that I had an incurable brain disorder in my teens I probably would have just given up and ended it.
@@mommysews1i believe you. But it also sounds like you were living in an abusive marriage. A loving husband, as frustrated as he might get, would not treat you like you described. That is a shock and a lot to process, i know. Us lare diagnosed adhd people, (i was 55) are used to blaming ourselves so much that we dont realise when we are being abused by bullying spouses.
Like i said, this os a lot to process. You sound like a lovely person. Seriously.
@@mommysews1 I am 63 and I take medication, two of them. Keep looking for the right provider, it makes a world of difference!
I hope you're getting therapy for this.
You cannot control whether you have ADHD or not, but ultimately, you have some agency over how you react to your diagnosis long term. Be stoic and act on what you can control.
Grief can be a process we move through, not a trap we are stuck in. I really believe that self forgiveness is vital, both for long term acceptance of the condition and for making any progress in your life. The mental energy we expend on self recrimination and self loathing is not available for any positive purpose we might have.
You say that you have no choice but to turn the anger inward when things go poorly but in reality you do. CBT will show you the way.
Just got my diagnosis last week. I’m 45. I’m in the anger phase for sure.
I got diagnosed the day after my 45th birthday. By then I’d had to study a lot on my own and Dr B has been invaluable with his straight forwardness and detailed facts. But i think of the stages of grief, both anger about and grief for the life I could have had if I’d had diagnosis and treatment in my youth were the strongest.
@@sarahs7669 That’s exactly what I’m experiencing. I feel as though I’ve been living life as a one legged individual in an ass kicking contest.
Now I get my other leg back? I sure hope so.
Recently diagnosed at 45. Of course I could look back and be really bitter. ADHD has wrecked everything I’ve tried to do in life, more or less. Turns out I did have teachers that tried telling mum that there was something wrong with me, but she didn’t listen. When I look at it a bit deeper, I can see that she also has ADHD and probably had no idea there was something wrong with *her* until I got diagnosed. People in general don’t know much about neurodivergence. We are the front lines, so to speak. That sucks, but it is what it is. We will keep talking about it and spread awareness, and hopefully future generations won’t have to struggle like we have
That's so true. I am 55 and just realized I most likely have ADHD about a year ago, I'm sure your mom was completely unaware, 😢
@@dianasimplifiesi was diagnosed at 55! Apart from ritalin wrecking my brain... It work and then it didnt. Two years later, am worse than before.
@@Plethorality 😢
I actually was glad about my diagnosis. Got it just last year in my 30's. It was not until getting an MA in Psych and realizing I meet DSM criteria that I learned I have ADHD. The medication works wonders and has helped me achieve far more than I ever had before! I used to always wonder what held me back in the past! Now I know and there's no regret!
Same. Mostly I am just happy that I finally what's going on with me. However, I do have a couple years of experience with psychotherapy and I suspected that I may have autism. I tried different things and nothing worked. Now I have the information I need, so I can actually find a working strategy to function.
same. I was even older, and my life suddenly made sense. being told i have adhd was so much better than having been told "so smart but wastes her talents" all my life
How did you manage to get an MA in Psych with ADHD
and no meds
If you don't mind me asking, was your upbringing like? Did you have a lot of support from family and friends? Income level? etc?
I was just diagnosed about 4 months ago at the ripe old age of 75. I received little or no support or acceptance from my friends. I am relieve to find this subject explored by Dr Barkley and also to have further reading on the subject. I received the diagnosis and have spiralled down in depression not understanding why. It's now quite apparent. I will be much more gentle with myself as I attempt to dig myself out and continue on a newly enlightened path. Thank you so much.
If that title was meant to trigger reactions, it was well chosen. My first reaction on getting my diagnosis aged 49 was an intense feeling of liberation and relief. It turned me from being failure on two legs into a human being with some issues on hardware level. The second book I bought was Sari Soldens book, where I got introduced to the grief cycle in an early stage of reevaluating my entire life from a new perspective. I went through the cycle in a different order and have done so repeatedly. Still doing so (18 yrs after diagnosis), because there still are situations where I discover new aspects of being who I am. It means lifelong learning on a different level.
You were my life raft when deep diving on my son’s behavior…@3 years old, I started my research, after living with an older brother struggling with this, before people put a label to this. My brother passed from all the self medicating ( alcohol, smoking) @the age of 65. So I had my history of being observant at young age and now my young son. Thank you thank you for all you do. Yes, grieving is definitely a thing!
My son is now 22 yrs old. Thank goodness for yr words
Take care of yourself ❤
I realized that I have Adhd in my 30s
my major in university was psychology
when I listened to workshops and read books I realized that my novelty seeking is very high
and also bupropion is a good drug for people that have this problem
After using this medication my life hugely changed.....
and after reading criteria for adhd in dsm 5 and kaplan again carefully and its treatment I realized that I have this Disorder and it was really an epiphany.... then I started to read your book Taking charge of adult Adhd and honestly it was life changing
.. ❤❤❤❤❤
Accepting the truth about my adult son’s ADHD has been one of the hardest experiences in my life. At first it was a relief to know the cause of his difficulties. Then came our struggle explaining it to others and now the effort to help him find a career. My brilliant and lovable child is in his mid thirties, underemployed, without a partner and dependent on his parents. He managed to get a college degree before his diagnosis and I still hold out hope he will find his niche, but I still feel shame, worry and great sadness.
I feel for you
I'm exactly like your son, is he not telling you that he's fine and you shouldn't be doing ANYTHING regarding his ADD?
I don't know if this is terrible advice or not, but the only way I've managed to hold a job and support myself is to do a factory job where I can zone out and listen to audiobooks, music, RUclips videos all day.
I'm early 30's and only just realised I probably have undiagnosed ADHD.
I couldn't have made it through a collage degree, and I knew it, so I didn't even try.
Not saying it's a good way to live, and if I can get a diagnosis and some sort of treatment that helps, I will...in the mean time though, that's how I get by.
Try finding him a job where he can have headphones on and doesn't require too much brain power. Then you can be off with the fairies and still make a living.
@@jackmac2217 there’s a lot of value in a steady job. Thank you.
@@movement2contact He is finally asking for help sometimes-just asked us to make a doctor’s appointment for him, knowing he was not going to do it. We are carefully persistent and he is getting better. I’ll never give up on him
I'm so glad to hear you speak about this. The majority of the time people say how their diagnosis made sense and how much it helped. That wasn't my experience and I felt like I was the only one who felt the grief/denial/anger. I'm finally coming to accept my diagnosis 2 years later on. Thank you for speaking about this and normalising this kind of reaction and how important it is to acknowledge.
The thing that has helped me is that I'm currently experiencing depression and I think the grief is a major contributor to my depression. I decided that educating myself about my ADHD might help me understand it/me and help with depression. So I've been doing things like watching your channel, going to expert led focus groups via ADHD UK or joining Seed Talks and talking to people with ADHD. It's slowly starting to shift my mindset to acceptance, not push against it and to be kind to myself.
Me! 🙋🏻♀️ I was diagnosed last year at the age of 47. Half of life of undiagnosed has certainly come with its baffling challenges and embarrassments! On top of this, I was diagnosed at 43 as autistic. This combination of confusion and often at war in my own head, not belonging, and feeling very different has caused its own mental health problems. Unfortunately, where I live in the UK, Hertfordshire they do not offer any non-pharmalogical treatments on the NHS.
Luckily the ADHD medication that I am on is significantly helping me. But I still feel that I need somebody who understands ADHD and autism to talk to, to unravel the messy ball of wool that has been my life so far.
@@Jules-kp7rw Lisdexamphetamine. It is like that - a tug of war in my head and body!
Yes. I definitely went through a great deal of grieving. It was only a year and a half ago and I was 68. I already knew I would test positive. I was very relieved and felt quite validated. I'm almost 70 and I've lived my entire life with ADHD - inattentive type. Plus I have dyscalculia and an anxiety disorder. Plus I've been a chronic pain patient since age 11. I've always been different from my sibs and friends. My father was an engineer and he loved mathematics. I was such a huge disappointment to him. Of course I went through my own grieving process. If only we had known. But that didn't happen. I got over it. Once in a while I'm reminded and I feel sad. It's fleeting and I move on to something else. I know I can't change the past. I'm glad you brought it up. 💜
Yes , exactly, if only we had known. …😢 probably your chronic pain also somehow relates or your adhd, or not? I also have dyscalculia, seems that a lot of ADHDers have that too… all the best for you..😊
@@dazwischen5072 if we had known about ADHD, and the inattentive type, I think it would have made all the difference. But I'll never know for sure. I try not to dwell on it. Now I have gained a lot more information from studying it but I'm still lost. It's different for everyone. And you're correct. Chronic pain is frequently seen in ADHDer's and lucky me is proof of that. I wish people would get over their preconceived ideas. They try to keep us involved in the 🐂💩 - I want to be free 🩵🌿🌺
Thank you Dr Barkley, a hugely important topic. I was diagnosed in late adulthood (in my 50s). On the one hand, my diagnosis was a huge revelation, and a weight off my shoulders - I wasn't crazy, or lazy, or whatever; I just had ADHD! It explained so much. But I also became aware of how my career had cratered and crashed, through my ADHD; how several relationships had fallen apart, and how I had "failed" to realise my potential in so many ways, because I was jumping around like a mad thing: never staying focussed, or following through on plans and projects. In reality, I still managed to turn out kind of okay, but ... accepting that has been a long, hard process. Your observations in this video are very helpful.
similar to my story
Similar to my story too ❤
Yes, me too,diagnosed at 53… Thank you for sharing your story @maclabhruinn and thank you Dr. Barkley for this important video! 👍🏼
I have recently been diagnosed at age 39; my journey has been relief, anger and grief (mixed with the grief of losing my mother in January). My daughters are Autistic/ADHD and ADHD, and I saw a lot of myself in my middle daughter (ADHD) who experienced emotional regulation and sensory challenges. I experienced burn out in my high school and college career and it's so hard to look at those times of seeing that teenager struggle and no one bothered to ask why. Not one of my teachers or school staff stopped and thought, "this girl is so smart and full of potential, why is she struggling?" The rational part of my brain knows that there is so much more information about ADHD now, especially diagnosing the inattentive type. Yet, there is so much pain in seeing my past self struggle with an unseen disability, which I attributed to moral failings.
The title of this video made me instantly cry. Thank you for these videos that you do.
cry why? getting diagnosed means you now know where to look for solutions to your problems, and if you don't have problems, then who cares if you have adhd?
Same! ❤
I still cry too. It’s ok to cry ❤
Interesting. I imagine it varies greatly across people and their situations. Receiving the diagnosis (and treatment and therapy) was a relief for me because it helped answer life-long questions and has allowed me to finally "start being the me I always knew was there." And while I still from time to time get that "if only I and family had known this earlier!" feeling, the only acute moment of grief was when I tried the stimulant medication for the first time and the effects kicked in… and the implications of "all those wasted years" hit me full-on. I had to sit down and cry for a bit. But acceptance of both the diagnosis and "what it means for me" were immediate. I'll be 50 soon but I feel like I am just at the beginning of a new life and it is exciting.
I have been diagnosed at the age of 50 people seem to be thinking that I’ve managed for 50 years so nothing should change
I was diagnosed at 55. No, we.were not managing.
Just to continue the +5 pattern 😅 … I was diagnosed at 60. Some people asked if knowing made any difference, since I had managed so long without knowing 😳🫤
I hear you. Even my doctor told me to read a book and learn coping strategies. I thought… I’m in my 50’s, employed, with a home, and children… don’t you think that I KNOW the coping strategies? The dance to appear normal is exhausting. And just coping leaves no room for social, romantic, or relaxation.
No. I’m not “fine”. Why would I have even been sent to the psychiatrist who diagnosed me if I was “fine”? (Sent to a psych because I thought I was just abnormally anxious)
@@mommysews1 the only thing that makes sense is the constant exhaustion. I don’t understand anything, who I really am, how to stop masking when appropriate, how to stop being constantly anxious, what that weird feeling actually is 😩
i 100% had this happen to me and to be honest I dont even think I am over the grief yet at all. I figured I might have had it my whole life and then tried adhd meds in my 30's but didn't get the education first and misused it. And now I am on it again in my mid 40's and the real grief didn't start until this year as im turning 44 because I never truly spent enough time looking inward to myself and why I do any and all the things that I do that I realize that my whole life was held back a good bit because of ADHD and I have to understand that it will be near impossible for my life to get to the point I would want it to be and that , i think , is mostly the ability to read even a small book and retain what i've read as well as when I set to do something, i go through all the necessary steps without giving up just because I can never stick to what im doing. Im fighting it yet still 5 minutes into doing a task I am always without realizing it on a whole new task and then another and another. I am a very very positive person / thinking and always have been but I need to admit to myself that I am deeply depressed inside and just show a facade to the world.
Thank you, Russell, for an excellent talk - as always. I'm similar in age to you, and have grieved a little for myself and more for younger people in my family. But I've felt a lot of grief for my father. He died over 40 years ago of at the age of 56. He was an exceptionally intelligent person (top 2% of population) and wonderful human being, but he never reached his potential. He invented things, but didn't follow through, he rarely held a job that would allow him to use his abilities. He mainly served in shops and did other sales jobs and never achieved his dream of becoming a doctor.. I wish I could talk to him about all of this. I'm lucky that I grew up with him as my mentor because I learned that it was ok to be a bit different, even though I have masked all my life...
I felt a lot of grief after my diagnosis last year at the age of 73. So sad for how different my life and the lives of my children might have been, for my two broken marriages, for my poor father who I see now clearly had ADHD and self medicated with booze and fags till it killed him, for my broken relationship with my daughter, for my niece who has gone completely off the rails to become a junkie, for my sister who has always done her best but been belittled and called a failure. It’s all a lot to come to terms with. But it helps a lot to make sense of things. I’m now starting to think I am probably autistic too.
i feel for you
Thank you, Dr. Barkley! I was diagnosed at 15 and am now 49 and I agree that the cycle of grief can come back up. I think I went through the grieving process with my diagnosis and made peace with it but went through it again when my daughter was diagnosed. Knowing how having ADHD will complicate my daughter's life, I became filled with a deep sense of grief and hopelessness. Now, I use her diagnosis as motivation to research and find a path forward that helps minimize her symptoms and maximize her potential. It gives me purpose!
9:03 - This describes exactly how I have been feeling and processing the lateness of my diagnosis at age 63. You think you may be working so hard with a therapist to go through this grieving and loss, and come to a stage many months or even a year or more where you have reached acceptance -- then either some remembering of the shoulda-coulda-woulda, or a trigger such as the denial by friends, family, etc that this whole disorder even exists. But it's like a dam bursting and what you thought you had worked so hard to fortify against -- the anger returns and so forth -- and YES, just as Dr. Barkley says right here, it isn't just linear processing through stages... It really completely derailed what had previously been a high achievement life with people -- lots of people --feeling certain you will make it in your life because you're so smart and talented....
My life completely flipped; hadn't been tracking my finances (like many of you...) then one day I am instantly flat broke and it brings instant poorness, having to move, all in a few days. When a month later I was diagnosed after an ER room total breakdown and collapse, finally, one damn doctor asking "has anyone ever mentioned ADHD to you before" lead to my testing and pretty severe case of the disorder. 5 years later and I still can get seriously angry at what this unknown iceberg did to my career, relationships, the whole litany.
This is fascinating, 20 years ago my son was diagnosed with autism, it took me over 10 years to get the diagnosis for him. I grieved his diagnosis feeling he was locked inside of his head and so many great things would struggle to come out and how that would impact him. Years later I am diagnosed with ADHD and the anger I initially felt, along with relief, Was a bit confusing. Now I find so many people will minimize ADHD as they feel everybody has aspects of ADHD and it’s just human nature, so I find I don’t talk about it much and I haven’t gone the route of finding support or help for myself. I also believe my ASD son may also have ADHD and I am just worn out.
i get help from the experts but i don't tell anyone else.
Yes, do look for support for yourself! Even if it is „only“ medication, that can really help too and you don’t need to tell anyone about it it! Good luck! 🎉
Yes, I am in this greaving phase right now. I am 53 years old and I just got my diagnosis 3 weeks ago. It took one year to get the diagnosis. But I have felt different my whole life, always struggled with why I find everything so difficult… So of course the diagnosis was a relief. Now I understand why. But imagine if I had known earlier? What would my life had been like then? I’ve done so many stupid things and I have caused so much chaos in my life. If I had known earlier, all that could have been avoided… That’s the grief. But a know I am not alone. „ The lost generation „ … yes, that’s us… 😢
I was diagnosed earlier this year at age 35. I'm grateful that I didn't have many of the experiences that others had. Having a higher IQ, I was able to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. When I went to University, things were much harder and the lack of structure made things more difficult; I nearly failed out of school. Thankfully I met my current wife and she was very good at helping structure my life so I could succeed. I graduated as a mechanical engineer and have been working successfully ever since. I've been able to advance in my career and support my family in spite of this disability.
When I was diagnosed, it came as a relief. Suddenly a lot of experiences and behaviors going all the way back to my childhood made sense.
I didn't experience grief as I felt I did the best I could at each point of my life. Now that my daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD, I hope to provide her the tools to succeed and maybe some stoicism to not blame herself or others for this disability; doing so would be akin to blaming the rain or the wind.
I'm not surprised that grieving isn't discussed. I was diagnosed in the 90's and it was as though I was expected to be relieved and happy that I got a new label and excuse for my shortcomings. Don't get me wrong. It was somewhat of a relief that I wasn't just a lazy person with no self-control. But yes, there was a lot of grieving I was oblivious to and also denied in that time. I was a "gifted child" after all and was suddenly struggling at a top research university. So, for a while I hated myself and then hated the the fact that "someone like me" would be dependent on drugs to be normal. In retrospect, I never resolved my denial. A few years later I was diagnosed with amblyopia, I thought, "This is it! I don't need the drugs." I had clung to a story of a very judgemental professor who told me ADHD was being over-diagnosed and his own daughter was diagnosed and later found to have amblyopia. So, I had two "facts" telling me I not mentally challenged, that I was still smart and the psychiatrist was wrong. I say all of that to illustrate how incredibly long it can take to get through the grief and denial. This can happen if the grieving is not addressed. In my case, everything was supposed to be just fixed by the medication. That created it's own challenges and the experimentation with dose was brutal. None of that helped, of course. This caused me to go it alone for 20+ years until I couldn't deny the problems it was causing. 20yrs later I was still bargaining and decided I just needed some CBT. In therapy, I brought up the previous diagnosis and was told to watch some Gabor Mate videos. That only made me resentful of my upbringing. The turning point though, was still in that CBT/DBT therapy. In a sort of out-of-sequence way, I did learn to accept my shortcomings, regardless of their nature, and let go of some ego. I was taught to love myself. I thought I did, but I was wrong and it wasn't what I thought it was. Those processes allowed me to allow myself to grieve and recognize it as such. This helped me accept myself as I was, and to accept things as they are. Overcoming that long-term, overlooked grief finally cleared the way for me to add medication to my treatment, again. It does still come back for various reasons, but seeing it as natural grief and not as another shortcoming, eliminates the denial for me and continue acceptance of my reality.
After a disastrous falling out with the love of my life (we were not together then or now), I just sat at my computer swearing and googling, googling and swearing. I was prepared to spend the night there. I had about had it with myself. I was 65 and clearly an outlier ... and I seemed to be alternately very smart or a complete imbecile. Sometimes in the same day. Periodically, I choose an important occasion to blurt out crazy shit (several job interviews come to mind). (Cringe.)
And yet, I've delivered spontaneous eulogies at funerals that comforted friends and family, with spot on-target memories that acknowledged and called out the particular special individuality of the loved one and made people smile and thank me later.
I have 2 speeds. Just like a cheap lawnmower: on or off. I couldn't find a moderate gear if I fell over it and I probably have. I'm a person of accidental extremes and excessive anxiety. I move on average every two years. My lifetime history of jobs is only impressive in the short duration of most of them before I quit or got fired, and the staggering variety of vocations I've sampled.
For instance, I've been a traffic engineer, meter reader, worked at NASA, run a 50-foot bridge crane, topless dancer, prison counselor, janitor, factory worker, repo'd cars, held a private investigator license, and made the shakes at McDonald's. And more, but u get the drift. I've also been a blond, a brunette, and a redhead. No tattoo or pink hair! At least not yet.
I'm interested in everything and I always have been. I drove my parents crazy with questions and follow-up questions. "Because" is not an answer. I have constant trouble with my weak executive functions and poor working memory.
I demanded answers about myself. On the Internet. I literally googled:
"What in effing eff is the matter with me?",
"What is wrong with me???",
"Why the blankety-blank am I the way I am?",
"Where is my home planet? Can I go back there?"
"How? Soon, right?"
"Why do I create all kinds of things and hatch solutions out of thin air but I can barely add and subtract?"
If one more person tries to show me their 'really easy way' to figure a tip without a calculator, I am going to slap them.
My rabbit holes led to Dr. Barkley speaking on the emotional impulsivity aspect of ADHD. I'd never heard of that symptom. And there I was. It was like he drew his examples directly from my life. I couldn't justify my erratic behavior any other way. ADHD and impulsive emo explained my whole chaotic life.
I. was. absolutely. devastated.
My sister drove 4 hours and spent the weekend. It was clear she had ADHD too. But she has had the moderating influence of a husband in the household, going to bed at routine times, and I've mostly lived alone. A sitting duck to my instabilities. We binge viewed Dr. Barkley's lectures and we talked about our lives. We had a whole new slant on things. We laughed about our bumbling around in life. By the end of the weekend we both felt mostly ok about being ADHD.
So what helped?
I was comforted by ADHD memes in particular, and by the bright, humorous people making them. I felt no longer alone.
And I saw my people everywhere I went. They twitched in grocery lines; they constantly interrupted.
Jessica McCabe helped (RUclips channel How to ADHD). I began to follow other ADHD content providers and they helped too.
I learned about the gifts that come with ADHD, like our extra creativity, and being fun at parties. That helped a lot.
The most?
What helped me the most and still helps me is Dr. Barkley and the knowledge he shares. I tell people about that meat cleaver and our undersized battery. I am so grateful. I learned that ADHD people get in more car wrecks and that has made me a better, more careful driver. Dr. B. If you're listening, thank you for sharing the back story on that and I'm heartfelt sorry about your devastating loss. Thank u for your research which has lit a lamp for us. It helps so much to understand.
Learning the mechanics of ADHD has helped me compensate. I come up with so many workarounds I'm thinking of making some RUclipss to pay back the community.
It's 2a.m. How did that happen? 🙃❤️
-Julia
My grief is now coming up against the ‘everyone is jumping on the ADHD bandwagon’ etc.
I’m actually feeling ashamed to tell anyone because I feel like a fraud.
This compounds the general grief of a lifetime of struggle - a thousand fold. (I’m 63yo diagnosed last year. )
My advice is stop watching adhd videos. My life was infinitly better before i knew i had adhd. Whenever i struggled i would push tru but after i knew i had adhd i would just give up whenever i stuggled. This dude barkley is only effective in explaining issues but never offers any solutions. THerefor there is 0 reason to listen to him other then feel sorry for yourself
@@joshuakohn4408 I actually don’t have a problem with ADHD experts like Dr.Barkley. I have been greatly encouraged by my diagnosis which has explained so much of my life experience.
What I’m saying is it is now difficult to share this with others not in ’the community’ because of the scathing ADHD-is -a-fad propaganda which is very prevalent at least here in the UK.
Impostor syndrome is very real. People who say “everybody’s a little ADHD” or “a little autistic” are full of shit. We are dealing with brains that are formed and built differently, and so function differently. They may have a trait or two, and they might struggle with it, but it’s not the same as having enough traits that affect every facet of daily life enough to lead to a diagnosis.
@@aidaa5950 'are full of shit' i hope you done a lot of research on the topic because from what i can tell other then infections most diseases are on a scale. So the fact that adhd or autism couldn't possibly be like that is ridiculous to me
Your research and presentation of the information is incredibly validating
Here in the UK we could do with some weighty input. There is nothing for adults with ADHD. You get diagnosed, medicated and that's it. No support. Nothing is said to families or partners. (Partners/spouses are not consulted at all during the diagnosis process.) Once you've been diagnosed the medication is tweaked, sort of, until you're "happy", and is then cut off at the drop of a hat. ADHD Teams are not integrated with any other aspect of health, mental or physical, so there's no cross over. Miss your yearly 20 minute "review" and they throw you off the service. (No reminder letters are sent out to remind you of the approach of the arranged 6 months ago appointment.) The Government is now talking openly about how "this mental health thing has gone too far". Nothing like telling people there's nothing wrong with them and then bullying them into taking poorly paid work, as a remedy for a lifelong chronic disability!
I can absolutely relate to this. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 25. I spent 2 decades creating barriers to try and pretend everything was alright when I was consistently failing to turn intent into reality. I remember walking up to find out if I had ADHD and being so intensely scared. If this isn't it then I truly am just failing. I cried when I walked out of that office and that's a rarity. *Finally*, I had a dragon I could fight, a mountain to climb. Before, I was just hanging in midair confused, lost to *why* I was so bad at doing what everyone else thought was easy.
Genuinely thank you for putting out these videos. Over the last year I've put so much effort into trying to be a better me and your videos and book were a guiding light in all of it. I can confidently say I am a happier person and a huge portion of what made that possible was finding this channel and the work you've done on ADHD. Thank you so much.
Can confirm everyone's experiences here as an adult diagnosed in my 40's. So much anger and disappointment, but also relief that my experiences and pain finally had a reason behind them. I would like to add my experience of 're-grief' to the conversation.
Re-grief occured when I finally accepted (waded through denial) that I needed supports in my workplace. Through an employment support program, I was given access to monthly sessions with an ADHD / Executive Function coach. The grief lasted several months as I was so disappointed that I couldn't "just pull myself together". Then there was shame that I needed this support.
As time goes on and we continue to work together, I feel a bit better. Other days I just wish for retirement so I don't have to feel like an inferior employee every single day. It is not easy.
Grieving is a process that happens many, many more times in our lives, outside of actual death. Like switching jobs, moving, losing friendships and partners, projects and other stuff. It does not get enough attention/recognition/importance and can really get in the way. Which is why I'm very thankful you did this video!! I was warned beforehand, luckily, in several of our Dutch FB groups for people with ADHD. Which softened/shortened it's experience and prevented me falling deep into depression (which I'm comorbid with/for).
I hope a lot of people will see this video and it gets more talked about. Allowing, understanding and going through the circular stages of grief is what's needed to move forward and really experience life to the fullest 😊
Thank you for addressing this topic. It is important as nobody around me is interested to discuss it or understands.
Also Dr Barkley, your video on Owning your ADHD helps enormously. Thank you.
You're a treasure, Dr Barkley. It's so validating to hear you talk about this.
I think what I'd add to your video is the sense of shame you can get from even feeling grief at all. I got diagnosed very recently as an adult and I had to seek out a diagnosis, so I went through the denial stage before I was officially diagnosed. I was positively euphoric when I got that confirmation that my lifelong underperforming wasn't because I wasn't trying hard enough and that there were new things I could try to address the ADHD and improve my life. But after the euphoria wore off, I'm still grieving, and sometimes I feel almost guilty about it. It's important to look forward after a diagnosis, but it's okay to still take time to be sad and angry about what we missed out on too.
Brilliantly insightful. At my diagnosis (aged 50) i was told in deadpan tones, 'Yes you have adhd, would you consider medication?' When i paused for a moment he chuckled, 'Thats all there is by the way, it's medication or nothing.'
I saw the funny side, and acknowledge that at 50 i'd 'made it this far' with nothing. But soon after i was struck by exactly this grieving process, reflecting on a life of struggle as well as the life un-lived which might have been. 3 years later it still comes and goes a bit, but i came through it ok and life is good.
What doesn't help : Unlike a cancer diagnosis or death of a loved one, you have no guarantee of sympathy. Not from the doctor who jokes about your lack of treatment options. Not from family and friends. Don't get too angry with them, but keep seeking people who understand.
What helped me: 1. Nelson Mandela! Released after decades in prison he knew he had a stark choice: spend his remaining years trapped in bitterness and regret, or make the most of his freedom and move forward positively. 2. Don't get stuck get curious. You're not 'just' adhd - you may well have a bunch of traits and trauma and strengths and weaknesses. Build self-awareness - what really makes you tick? 3. Russ Barkly - truly a shining light, and source of essential reason in a field field full of confusion and disinformation.
I found sympathy and support, i had security and stability, so i was lucky. There are folk in the comments who are really struggling - unprocessed grief readily tips into depression and often really needs clinical help.
My son's friend was playing at the house bouncing and crashing around. I went upstairs and I had this weird observation, that I could relate to that energy. I didn't want to let him continue and i said, I understand that your energy is high, but please be careful. I was then on a mission to find out if I have it, as I always felt different to my friends, I was different. I was odd. I was weird to my friends, and I was called weird. I then went into the process of being diagnosed. I did not have other mental health issues. I went to trusted friends. I desplayed the signs of adhd. I found it harder to navigate through life where some of my friends found it easy. At 45, I was diagnosed and yes, I did grieve, as back in my parents age, if a child had a diagnoses it looked bad on the parents. I am glad to finally have a diagnoses, and have embrased who I am. Love me love me not...This is me.
100% This is important to talk about and I applaud you for doing so. The video reaised a good number of useful points.
I've been on forums enough to know that grief on diagnosis is a remarkably common reaction. HOWEVER, so is relief. This was my overwhelming reaction to learning about ADHD - the feeling that this condition explains most of the issues I have been facing all my life, and NOW I have the chance to begin to address those issues. More about this later, but first to say, ...
...one needs to be careful about framing an emotional reaction to an event like a diagnosis, as 'the correct thing to do'. People will feel what they feel, and it's generally valid. We get so much negativity due to our behaviour that we don't also need to be told we're not grieving our diagnosis properly.
So, in my own experience, there was no reason to be angry about anything. ADHD wasn't widely appreciated in the 1970's UK, and in any case, my symptoms present more as inattentive than hyperactive. Both of my adoptive parents have passed - the only regret I have is not being able to share my understanding with them. I pretty much moved directly to exploration and fairly soon ended up at your CADDAC talks.
I am sad that I have not maximised the life opportunities I have had. However, Stoicism teaches me that I cannot change the past, so the only rational response is to seek to improve the future by working in and on the present. I am waiting to access support services and medication- a wait that could take years, given the parlous state of UK' mental health services.
For me, the biggest step has been self-acceptance / self-forgiveness. This has enabled me to address learned shame and low self esteem, and to move on from cycles of inattention - responding by overwork - leading to burn-out and exhaustion - back to inattention, towards structures and tools that remind me of what needs doing and what I should be doing about it, and provides some external accountability.
Hello, received my diagnosis just over a week ago, I'm 50, started on tranquilyn and experienced appropriate emotional responses for the first time ever which initially was quite wonderful but the sadness is kicking in. This is very timely information, thank you.
I was initially pleased after being diagnosed at 33 as I finally had an answer as to why I found everything more difficult than it appeared my peers did, but a year on I actually feel more poignant about it. Looking back at all the things I did as a young child, struggled to maintain friendships, never clicked into place within groups, risky behaviour as a teen, needless car accidents, and to me now looking back it seems so obvious. Even early years of motherhood, I was in a hole, and no one spotted it or saw it, I just had a messy house and it seemed like I couldn’t keep on top of things. Without the boost of awareness on social media I wouldn’t have figured it out about myself. I will be looking into some counselling to try and move past it all.
I also find that people can be very nonchalant about it even after learning I have it, which I think is due to so many creators making videos listing things that most of the population also find difficult, and not stressing the major difference is we do these things all the time, and without any ability to stop. So many comments about oh well everyone’s a little adhd 🤯
I'm a late diagnosee. I was at another crisis point. I had the skill, the knowledge, the edge and funding, but couldn't put it into practice. I was disgusted with myself for being so ineffectual. My assumption (from my absolutely awful upbringing) was that it was a moral failing and it was crushing [1]. During this crisis I ready for any idea / solution (some I tried were a huge mistake). I read your book and it could have been an autobiography. You have a self-test in there and I was something like 9/10. I thought I had a very good level of self-awareness so it blindsided me. It was obvious that: A: There was truth to this adhd thing (not just kids with too much sugar), and B: It was something very significant that I couldn't perceive correctly about my self. It was hard to believe that I'm one of those "adhd people". Also I was extremely angry that so many professionals (I came in contact with many because of my behavior when I was younger) completely failed me during those precious years. I feel like I have been robbed by these incompetents. How can it be fair to be so negligent and face no consequences? How can you do this to someone and just get away with it? (I suppose I'm still at the anger stage).
[1]: There are truly idle people out there for whom this definitely IS a moral failing. Nothing about adhd changes that as a thing that exists in the world. I am not one of those people. I may be / have been ineffectual but I am ABSOLUTELY NOT idle / lazy.
I has so happy, now i had a real way to help me wiht forgiving my selv. And hope for the future
I am in my mid 40s and have dealt with chronic anxiety and depression since my diagnosis in college (though symptoms were there before obviously). But even with years of professional help, I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until a couple years ago.
Initially, I felt like a lightbulb came on and so much started to make more sense. I hovered in the denial phase for awhile thinking that while I have ADHD, it wouldn’t be a huge deal for me. I went through stages of anger, depression, and bargaining. I think I’m still in the midst of that at times as I’ve come closer to acceptance but I’m still struggling. I definitely feel a lot of sadness about ways my life could have been different if I had known earlier and about the unhealthy coping mechanisms I used that ultimately burned me out.
I still have hope that with a good support system (now) and better understanding of things, I will in time build myself back to a better place. I know it won’t be easy so that worries me, but I am trying.
Grief has been a real issue for me, having been diagnosed 2.5 years ago at age 52. After 6 months of elation at finally understanding my brain better and medicating it, I spent the next year seriously angry and depressed (and often, drunk) with grief. Now, I'm finding the old adage about grieving a lost loved one to be true: you never get over it, you just learned to live with it better. I'm far from where I want to be on this, but working on it. Thanks for this video.
When I learned at 27 about how adhd can show up in women and started recognising that my whole life I wasn’t just “fucked up” but maybe I just had adhd and also that there are treatment options I was initially very excited. Hyperfocused on everything adhd. So I thought that I’d be relieved hearing the diagnosis. At first it was kinda satisfying to hear “I have no doubts it’s adhd” from my psychiatrist. But the moment I went out of his office the grief hit me - both the feeling of wasted time and efforts, the grief over kid me always being criticised over things I didn’t have control of etc. But the worst part was to realise that there are certain parts of me that aren’t fixable. Until the diagnosis I’d been doing my best to be “better at life”. But the diagnosis made me realise I have to learn how to live WITH my shortcomings instead of learning how to get rid of them by trying hard enough. It ripped off my delusional hopes that one day I won’t be “fucked up” by just trying enough
Any psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, or mental health professional should adopt this as a common practice. Whether the patient chooses medication, therapy, or both, the patient (especially adults) or their parent should be warned beforehand that they will be confronted with a reality that is substantially different than the one they remember prior to diagnosis and treatment, which can be very emotionally jarring. Not only is there a recognition and reconciliation/reckoning with past events we were previously unaware were caused by ADHD, but the new understanding of the present and a redefining of the future. It is an entirely new version of the patient’s personal narrative. It wouldn’t have change my mind about treatment, but would have at least prepared me for the emotional roller coaster and associated thoughts that ADHD treatment introduces. I explained this to my treatment team and they’re considering adjusting their practice because of it. I’m definitely going to show them this video. Thank you!
Even though I always accepted in what I consider an uneducated way that I have had ADD all my life, once I learned as an adult, how all pervasive that is and what that diagnosis really means, it really sunk into my core how many areas of my life this really has affected me. I also struggle with the frustration of varying opinions of doctors where some, such as my primary care doctor, who is not in support of ADD meds, and my psychiatrist and psychologist team who do and have been of great support. I am currently managing feelings of frustration and grief combined, because there are still many biases against those opting to take medication. I have had to also manage the feelings of shame as I accept that medication really is the right choice for me, even though for years I tried to manage my symptoms without it because some of my doctors stigmatized it. We also live in a culture where it is stigmatized and people who do not believe that this is a real issue for people. That term has been thrown around like a catch phrase in our culture, instead of being used properly and people being educated about what it really means. I also had grief when I realized that taking medication does not mean suddenly you don't have ADD symptoms any longer and that there is really no way to gain blood flow to the frontal lobe and accepting this is a permanent issue I will deal with for my entire life.
I realize that there is also grief associated for those who choose to take medication to help, that because there are often national shortages of the medication, when I go to fill my prescription, I feel like some kind of crazy person when I have to call around seeking out who has it in stock that month. There is grief associated with having to constantly be justifying the need for the medication and staying on top of this as well.
I was really able to feel that grief on the medication because for all this time, I have managed my ADD by forms of dissociation, so now that I am more attuned to myself, I have had to manage the initial recognition of how many years I have gone making sub-par choices that have not set me up for success with regards to every thing and person that makes up my life. Being in my 40's now, I feel very much behind the 8 ball in life and am trying to be gentler with myself and am taking it one step at a time as I begin making healthier and more productive choices for both my financial and emotional well-being. Thank you for this video and this channel as I think sometimes people do not discuss the grief that comes with this diagnosis.
Dear Dr. Barkley,
I just found your channel. I have an urge to write an essay thanking you. I will try to keep it brief.
This is the first time. In my 28 years of life, I feel understood.
All my life I was blaming myself, hating myself. And when I found out I cried and cried. And when you said " what could have been".
Even now I am crying while writing this. I wanted to be just like you. Only thing that made sense to me was helping people, people who are in pain. I wanted to help others because I was in pain and I know how hard it is. But no matter how hard I tried, I could never get my math grades up, to apply for Psychology uni. "I guess you never wanted it enough"... 10 years have passed since then, and now I do have a job I'm content with, but after seeing you , I just want to say thank you.
Words can't describe how thankful I am. I am not cured, but I am understood.
Thank you.
I didn't experience grief until the first time I started to become desensitized to my medications. At first, it was only good news because the treatment was so effective, the future seemed very bright. It wasn't until later that I realized it would be a balance between symptoms and side-effects my whole life and the honeymoon phase would be difficult or impossible to sustain. Then I started to become frustrated with the past, as well.
Thank you as always for the information and for advocating for us.
I was finally diagnosed in the last few years in my 40s and am still in the grief process as I'm realizing how much I lost by being misdiagnosed so many times. My most devastating ADHD misdiagnosis happened when I was halfway through earning my MBA. Who knows how my life could've turned out had I actually gotten help and answers to why I struggle so much with everyday things that come much easier to others!
While I did power through to earn the degree, it completely broke me. I've been burned out ever since and haven't worked full time in over a decade, but I never understood what my deal was until finally getting an accurate ADHD diagnosis and treatment.
Thankfully, the nurse practitioner who diagnosed me suggested therapy. My therapist had me read a book about grieving and finding meaning in the loss, and I'm now doing that by writing my own book and will be launching my own RUclips channel to help others advocate for themselves in medical situations. I've had a ridiculous number of conditions missed or misdiagnosed including metastatic cancer in my early 30s, and I've learned so much to help myself that I want to share to help others.
I was relieved when I had my way to-late CDS diagnosis in 2021, but the months long waves of overwhelming happiness and simultaneous regret from how much the medication was changing my life and me for the better was something I wasn't prepared for.
And that's despite being forewarned about how emotional it might be. I still frequently feel like I'm floating in space. On one hand there's the new possible challenges and roads my life can now take, on the other there's the realization that there's a basic level of time management, organization and social life maintenance that beforehand I thought I just needed to learn, since everyone else with my skill set seems able to do it, but I now know that will forever be completely out of my reach.
I simply will never be able to - for instance - do multiple projects at a time, not even messaging the producers of the next project when they ask for the simplest information. No amount of time management tips and tricks or coaching has been able to change that before and nothing ever will.
Important topic!
I am actually so relived to have a diagnosis for my child and myself. It finally explains so much of what makes us ticks and makes so much sense.
After getting diagnosed just under two months ago at the age of twenty, I am still flicking between the bargaining and depression stages. It still doesn't feel real. I still remember my mums reaction the second the lovely lady told us that I had ADHD. The guilt she felt at the fact she didn't notice earlier, that I had gone through twenty years without her knowing and being able to support me more. Thanks to the lady who diagnosed me who explained part of the reason was because she had subconsciously been supporting me and adjusting things throughout my life and that was part of the reason it took so long, she was such a good mum that it took me moving out for the full display of symptoms and us realising maybe I need to get tested.
Sent this video to her because I know she still struggles with my diagnosis, but both her and my dad have been godsends, I honestly don't know how I would have got through the diagnosis without them.
I was diagnosed a few days ago with Adult Adhd, combined type, and I'm a 45 year old woman. I'm going between feeling numb and crying for the life I could have had - I SHOULD have had. Bizarrely, I'm remembering things I said or did that I would cringe for days about, and forgiving myself. No idea why it feels such a comfort, but right now I can't see where I go from here and forgiving myself for the relentless mental beatings I gave myself seems a pretty good place to start ❤
Was diagnosed six months ago at 34 and I've definitely gone through these stages and waves of grief.
Anger and depression for sure and those moments still hit me. A few moments of denial thinking "maybe this is a mistake". I've even bargained a some as well thinking I'll just power through and fix it myself.
But it's been hard to accept, honestly. As I'm working on finding the right medication and seeing a therapist/coach to develop new strategies and perspective, it feels like I'm living someone else's life. I know acceptance and integration will come. Thank you for highlighting this process for us.
I am 1.5yrs post diagnosis at 51, and feeling like ive finally reached full acceptance after a lot if grief even though yes, i was relieved to be diagnosed and happy to have answers. No regrets!
In my mid 30s I originally started seeing a family psychiatrist and a therapist to help support another family member when I was asked about my own childhood, family history, experiences with school, career etc. After answering the doc she said that it was clear that I had ADHD and after explaining the symptoms prescribed medication for it, which honestly had a profound effect on me. Prior to her diagnosis I had never considered that I might have it, but after a little reflection I had to admit she was right and it was obvious that the condition ran quite deep in my family so I can't say as I was ever really in denial of my diagnosis, but it did come with some sadness and regret at what might have been. When my son was diagnosed a few years later I felt guilty for having passed my ADHD, and the difficulties that come with it onto him, but along with the doctor's help we've done what we can as a family to support him and as a result he's doing a lot better than I was at his age and I'm very proud of him.
thanks for this, i got diagnosed a little over a month ago at the age of 33, At 1st they gave me concerta which made me so hapopy and realized i wast the piece of shit i always used to call my self because of all my shortcomings, but after 3 weeks ive been feeling so angry and depressed about my past decisions and future doubts, that made me question if the medication stopped working, yesterday i cried myself to sleep and cried again today when i watched this video, at least made me feel normal to hear that it is a normal reaction. so thanks for that, hope you are all doing well stay strong.
I think it is a reason to celebrate not grief. The symptoms are with you sometimes for years and you don't know what is going on. Finally someone gives it a name and tells you that it can be eased, you can be helped. What the relief?!
How possibly people being troubled day by day with symptoms can grief that what bothers them has a name and can be helped?!
This is a great topic. I've had grief about both my children's diagnoses. As a psychologist I also talk about it with many of my ADHD assessment and therapy clients. It can really take many months and be quite difficult for some people.
I was diagnosed about 7yrs ago and I am still feeling a great deal of grief. Likely because I was diagnosed in my late 30s and my life is in shambles. So many relationships wrecked, opportunities squandered, etc
My husband has ADHD. For the first 15 years of our marriage it was undiagnosed and I was so angry I wanted to leave him. When I saw that his behavior wasn’t intentional It made life better. My husband has enriched my life beyond any expectations. What I want to say is that you are more than this diagnosis. We all have strengths and weaknesses. It may take longer to get your life together but you will and when you do you will be stronger for it.
(8:24) I approached an ADHD clinic as an adult a year ago in 2023 through my own initiative. My denial and anger had more or less been worked through already since I had known there was something wrong with me. I was simply relieved that the search was over. Unfortunately however, I bargained for way too long after the diagnosis and wasted the greater portion of last year with my prescriptions collecting dust on the shelf, investigating the dead ends of self-help theories and self-medication attempts. After one of these critical incidents you mentioned at (12:37) happened, I found myself in a serious depression which only made the consequences of the incident worse. Feeling a bit more grounded, I've resumed my medication and am attempting to educate myself on this condition as much as I can. Here's to the hope in a salvageable present and future worth more focus than the wreckage of the past. Cheers!
This video brings home just how much we still have to learn about adhd, and how much of an asset to this learning your work has been and continues to be via these videos.
I've gone through all stages of grief with startling accuracy once I got diagnosed at 27 years old. Fortunately by that time I was a part of a few online forums discussing adhd, so I had some forewarning. I've grieved all the difficulties I had that could have been avoided if only I were diagnosed sooner, I grieved the person I could have been if not for my adhd... There's a lot to grieve, and it's an important process to go through. Acceptance is needed to lead a fulfilling life with (or despite) adhd.
Thank you for this channel, Dr. Barkley. It has been a great source of information. God bless you!
I personally never did grieve when I got my diagnosis, I just fell a profound sense of relief that finally my life made sense.
I think you may be right about the grieving and the seeking of treatment. I probably haven't sought as much help as I should. Thanks for motivating me to do more about my ADHD
If it helps anyone, my daughter was diagnosed at age six and I wondered about ADHD when she was as young as 2 or 3... I think a key to diagnosis is educating and/or diagnosing the older generations who can then recognise it early in their children. I had no idea my husband likely has adhd until I was educating myself on it for my daughter's sake! I definitely grieved for her and found her diagnosis extremely emotional even though I had suspected adhd for a while... and I am still sad that she will likely find school and life harder than others, but I'm very grateful that we can help her at such a young age.
I have lived 43 years with it and just a few weeks ago I had a diagnose... I didn't know why I was so sad, so so sad, i cried a lot, i felt sorry for my self, for all those wrong "decisions" I made, my adolescent pregnant, the 4 times I stoped my carrer, my bankruptcy, among others.. then I felt embarrassed for feeling sad for my self, then I got angry with all those profesional that saw my when I had my epileptic seizures when I was 14, and now I feel hope for who I will be this second half of my life embrasing my ADHD
This is so true. Even before actual diagnosis (at 60) I had tried to convince my self that all I had to do was SHUT MY MOUTH and I'd be OK. But I could not do it. I think that was like bargaining, as it was my reaction to recognizing that impulsive speaking was a big problem fpr me. (It did not work, not at all.)
I think my grief was delayed. Intially I felt relieved when diagnosed at 30. It finally explained so much I had been dealing with and the medication helped. But 3 years on I find myself feeling very disassociated from who I am. Every so often I start crying with frustration about it all and I feel like an imposter (i.e. do I actually have ADHD or am I unconsciously faking it to make excuses).
It's weird. I was kind of relieved 2 years ago when I was told casually by a friend and then a general practitioner that they were convinced I had ADHD, and my resulting research and working with what I learned helped in my life. Everything made some kind of sense. Then very recently I had the chance to get an official diagnosis from a renowned ADHD specialized Psychiatrist, and he confirmed the diagnosis. At that moment I felt a crushing sadness that I didn't expect. Maybe I had hoped it wasn't really really true - ? 😢 It's really knocked me for a loop.
Very interesting. In my experience as a psychologist assessing adults for ADHD , I see more grieving when it turns out they don't have ADHD. Or they come in convinced they have ADHD and are almost elated when it's confirmed. But I can see why they would grieve if they came in for something else or were convinced by family members to get assessed and they receive an ADHD diagnosis. Keep up the great videos Dr. Barkley!
This hit hard. This video is true for a variety of conditions. When I look back, it wasn't the lack of knowledge but deliberate ignorance. It is obvious a child with behavior problems combined with asynchronous development needs professional help. It's not difficult to educate yourself, every person with a condition have done so. We should start holding parents responsible for their failure to understand their child and we should judge them very harshly. They should be riddled with guilt for deliberately neglecting their child medical needs. I made my mom cry when I brought up how they failed helping me. We definitely need a shaming culture.
I am still in grief with my diagnosis of ADHD seven months ago. It severely affected my relationship with my partner for over 30 years, and then she died from cancer six months ago.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself as best you can ❤
Thank you so much for covering this. I definitely grieved my diagnosis. Before I was even diagnosed. It took for my child to get diagnosed for me to go down the rabbit hole of adhd. I think I will always grieve...
Diagnosed close to 30 years old, after struggling with serious anxiety for most of my life and never knowing why. At the start, a large part of the grief was disappointment in my parents. My grandma had suspected when I was little that I had ADHD, but my parents never took me to get diagnosed. They tried to discipline the ADHD traits out of me (which of course never worked and just broke my self-esteem). One thing that helps is accepting that there’s no quick fix and embracing the struggles instead of resisting them. Only in recent years have I come to accept that my parents, with the knowledge they have, are incapable of supporting me on this journey, but that’s ok, I’m fully capable of figuring out how to manage this. I find the Facebook support groups for ADHD to be very validating. Turn to those that understand who want to support you, instead of dwelling on those that don’t or don’t understand.
Hi, ok, you ask in your video description for comments about reactions to the diagnosis, particularly regarding grieving about it. I have recently been diagnosed. As a 63 year old I have been coping for a long time, beginning in early childhood with what looked like severe dyslexia - though that was never diagnosed either. I have managed, despite diagnosis of severe mixed ADHD, to 'achieve' a number of things, but the effort needed was colossal, and the self dislike as I instinctively felt different from those around me was intense. I always felt that I was bluffing my way through things, always inferior to others. Always the impostor.
I'm still processing the diagnosis. Watching videos where people describe their ADHD is so helpful, as I instantly recognise the various symptoms. It does help to know that others, and indeed lots of them, have experienced similar problems - though I'm certainly not celebrating that of course.
I did doubt the diagnosis at first, and still do at times. I am angry at teachers, especially meditation teachers, for not being aware enough of how different the ADHD mind is. It may not be their fault, but the constant criticism and disaproval was crushing. I'm not sure that I've arrived at acceptance, but that is where I'm heading. Meanwhile I'm 'bargaining'. Now that I know what the problem is, perhaps I can solve it without the medication?
On the up side, it is SO helpful to finally know what 'the problem' has always been, and I am already shifting my perspective about myself. It's channels like yours that are helping with all of this. Thank you.
What about the Friend Flooding phase, when you tell all your friends about The Curse, over and over, because you find the diagnosis so important? And of course the "I temporarily forgot that I'm grieving" phase, when hyperfocus gets activated.
I finally made it to another stage of anger recently (people often cycle though the grief stages multiple times). Anger at society for making everything so hard: to understand what it was I was dealing with, to get the diagnosis in the first place, to ask for accommodations, and to realize now as I go through life how much more work I have to do because things are set up without neurodivergence in mind. I'm just so angry. Angry at manufacturers for not producing enough medication. Angry at governments for making getting treatment so hard. Angry at others for accusing me of laziness, not trying hard enough, being weird, zoning out, whatever. Angry at myself for taking all that to heart and accusing myself of the same things. Angry at beating myself up regularly for not being good enough. It's no wonder I was constantly dealing with autistic and depressive burnouts. At 40, I finally got my diagnoses for ADHD-combined type and ASD. A year later, I'm still processing, still grieving, still questioning.
Yes, people should be prepared by their doctors for this. It's a whole heck of a lot to take in. A whole lot to look at in a new perspective. Relationships will be affected. Work will be affected. Your perception will be affected. Your skills will be affected. To not prepare someone is to fail them. A diagnosis without therapy and understanding is basically no help at all.
I was diagnosed at 35 but the initial moment of diagnosis was just relief because it meant that I wasn't defective. However, the grief hit HARD when I found the right meds and they started working and I was blown away by how easy everything was; it like... "is this how (most of) the rest of the world lives?"
No wonder it's been so hard for me, but it could have been so much easier with an earlier diagnosis. Lots of anger (directed at professionals and parents), denial (I must just be having a good month), bargaining (I'll just take meds until I learn better coping skills).. and so on...
I just got my ADHD diagnosis last week, aged 55. I waited 3 years and 2 months to be assessed and diagnosed, here in the UK. (Which is “fast” now, compared to current waiting times of up to 8 years, maybe more … unless you go private.) During the waiting time, I went through several stages. After scoring highly on various screening tools, reading and listening to more infos about ADHD, it became very clear to me that I have ADHD. And that’s when I started to grief. And my mind wandering could turn this into nightmarish impulsive rollercoasters, that lead to panic attacks. (Especially when I could not distract myself, for example when dishwashing or in the shower.)
The worst thing was that I had no confirmation for so long. And that was unbearable: because I needed to remain open to the possibility that I did not, in fact, have ADHD. So, my grief was rolling onwards, but also my mind was constantly jumping between the grieving path and doubt! It was completely tearing me apart, and unbearable! I needed to get help, and eventually found a mental health clinician to talk to. We could not talk a lot, time was very limited, unfortunately. But at least I got the confirmation that my problems could plausibly be explained with ADHD (+ autism + anxiety + a few others). This was not a reliable assessment, more time with a specialist was needed. But at least I could allow myself to accept that I quite likely have ADHD … and let the grief roll, and go through some of the stages.
Now, about my grief. I was suspecting that I had ADHD (and autism) when I was 25, and even before that. But back then this did not lead to a diagnosis, for various reasons (mostly because far less was known back then about adult ADHD). And it would not have helped much either, because the chances that I would get treated as an adult back then were rather low.
But knowing that I tried my best to get help, back then, helped me to not blame myself over the last 3 years, at least. That helped me in my grief. Of course, I would have been able to achieve some of my life goals. (What I miss most are: children, career, some money, better at sustaining relationships.) But the scientific / medical understanding was just not there, back then. I had to rely on my own coping mechanisms. (And after hearing about non-medical ways to deal with ADHD, I must say that my own ways to cope with ADHD were not so bad. So, something to be proud of.)
So, who / what was to blame for my grief? My step mother, an EEG nurse who told me back when I was 25 that I “have nothing”? Well, yes, she should have believed me more, the empathy would have helped. And it would have helped to make my father believe me more. But, as unfortunate and hurtful as this is, it did not prevent anything major.
In the end, I do believe that I fell into the category of people who are just born a bit too early to benefit from scientific and medical progress for their afflictions or conditions. 60 years ago, people died of illnesses that can now be healed. 30 years ago, people died of AIDS … which can now be held in check by treatment. And more and more people are even able to survive cancer now. It is a sad but otherwise pretty normal reality that people will suffer and even die from afflictions that will be treatable years later.
So, I realized that there is not so much to grief about. I am just one of many, many people who suffered because humans just do not know everything, and there is still a lot of progress to be made. I did my best, and others also tried their best. Yes, I could have done without the attacks on me and my self-esteem. But *I* always knew that I tried my best. So, there was little that could have happened differently.
I do believe that I will go through grief about this again, at least some of it, at times, and re-process some of my past. And maybe I will get grief counseling at some point … now that I can be sure that I have ADHD. And I will probably have to help my poor old father, and to some extent my stepmother, to grief.
But also, we will see how much improvement for ADHD (and anxiety, etc.) I can make with proper treatment. And what I can still achieve, at my age. I will certainly try. And I will continue to be grateful for the things I can have or experience: my wonderful wife, some good times with people online, learning more through self-help groups, and maybe even a few professional achievements … who knows? - One of my biggest wishes *still* is to have my own children. I know, I am plenty old for that. But if I can, I will fight for that. We will see if that can be possible at all for me.
All the best to your own grief journey!
I was diagnosed at 30 after I already graduated college and got a job. Soon after, my brother, sister, and uncle were all diagnosed. I definitely grieved and continue to grieve as I learn more about the disease as a whole. My life could have been a LOT easier if I was diagnosed and received proper treatment earlier in life. I also may not have even been diagnosed if not for people like you on the Internet and social media spreading awareness. Thank you for continuing to provide education. I'm very thankful for you and your continued work and dedication! ❤
Grief has been one wild ride since my ADHD diagnosis a year ago at 48. My son got his diagnosis six months earlier at age eight, so it’s been a bit of a family affair. While today’s world is more accepting, it’s hard not to play the "what could’ve been" game. Take my son, now 10, for example-he recently crushed computational mathematics and earned a distinction at school. It's amazing to see him thrive, but it also highlights my own school struggles, having dropped out at 15. Sure, it led to some interesting adventures, on a none conventional path, but it also meant facing societal biases and extra hurdles. So, grief? Yeah, it’s still hanging around, like that awkward party guest who just won’t leave. But hey, at least we can laugh about it and celebrate the upsides that come our way.
Sometime you got surprice 😊. This night I haven't slept (took the ADD med., so late), but also under the day yesterday I greif'd and I name the emotions bye myself without any knowledge this exist 🤯😀.
I grief my life that could have been, familie, education, job, traveling, privet project toghether with a partner, instead I have convinced myself and others "if it had been importent to me, I had fix it" and belived it (of cause it can bee true). I grief it's so late in life now. I grief my full potential haven't been used. Bad for me, bad for people that could have get good stuff of it and bad for the statue-so much vaist money for "nothing". I grief all bad things I have told myself, and others have sad to me. I grief because I am sad for my previos me - and my me now (a little). I grief because it does'nt feels fair/right that so much have been so havey.
But I accept that I grief!
Start to accept that I don't need to do all things self, started I about 6 m after diagnos, and it us in progress. Diagnos itself get me explanations and understanding to all this why I have asked myself. That was a positive thing. But Yes I get depressed after a few m. Not until today I understand that to get the diagnos could be the why I get de depression.
I was not warned when I was diagnosed at 39. Initially I felt relief and validation, but over the course of the next weeks and months, this all descended on me. I don’t know if I’ve resolved it 9 years later, the same way I still grieve a pregnancy loss. I’ve reached what kubler-Ross meant by acceptance - just that I have adjusted my life around it now. But I hate having adhd and find myself going through all these phases repeatedly. It’s really depressing sometimes. I’ve started doing ketamine treatments for the depression and that’s been helpful so far.
I was just relieved and grateful for the longest time because I finally had the language and paradigm to communicate to my therapists, drs and support system what I struggled with. I never was one to look back at what could have been and mull over my regrets. But recently my mom told me than back in third grade there were discussions of moving me up a few years and she declined because of the social problems it might cause me.. But I sort of started spiraling and I keep thinking this could have been the key to diagnosing me earlier, or to at least not be in almost physical pain due to boredom and then be labeled as lazy (ofc then I might have had to deal with burnout in college and still be a drop out- it always cathces up to u). Idk you just can't know when it will get triggered but I've come to think it's inevitabl; the results of being undiagnosed are almost always severe enough to give you reason to mourn.
I spent from 13 to 28 years old making a joke of it and avoiding medication. Without knowing I I was self medicating with meditation, exercise, diet, art, and high stress jobs.
I am grateful I finally matured enough to realize I was making life harder and less fulfilling than it needed to be for so long, but thanks to a strong avoidance I was able to establish a career without school from technology interests.
I never would've thought of the process as grief before, but I'm still reflecting angrily at how little effort was made to tell a teenager he didn't know everything already. It's cost so much in friends, family, jobs, relationships, and tending to other chronic illnesses the ADHD made easy to ignore or postpone. And that's the worst part - avoiding diabetes or dental care or OCD or something like that. It's hard to tell a doctor what's wrong if you don't know which things are common to most people and which are actually disabling, given the faulty internal clocks we have. The thing that feels good is always way shorter than the 2 pages of a book we read that took us 2 hours.
I had no grief when I received a diagnosis. To realize that I wasnt just a fuck up and that there was something that I could do was a good feeling. A diagnosis led to learning and learning led to awareness. Yeah, it kinda sucked when I realized that all those quirky personality traits where mostly bullet points on a symptom list. Do I still annoy the hell out of my wife, absolutely, but things are improving. The only regret is that I never got the chance to build the skills to deal with it when I was young. So many missed opportunities.
Wish I could give you big hugs. Struggling with worries for our son.
Dear Sir,
You've received a diagnosis of neurodivergent. This is the MOST TREATABLE neurological disorder there is. Your brain will respond quickly with medication/medications and theapy.
You have obviously lived with this for many years. Therefore, you have already developed coping mechanisms without realizing it.
Do not underestimate yourself.
CHANGE THE THINGS THAT YOU CAN, ACCEPT THAT GRIEVING IS HEALTHY,
BE KIND TO YOURSELF,
EMBRACE HELP.
Manners, kindness and prayers
I was diagnosed young like 8’years old and was on a variety of medications throughout childhood and my teens. When my psych closed his practice when i was 22 i failed to find someone else to continue my rx. So for 8 years I’ve gone un medicated and assumed i could just deal with it. Now im at the brink of losing a loving relationship because of it and im going through the greif that’s i couldn’t as a child. The greif of realizing maybe i wouldn’t have struggled so much in my 20s if i kept going and maybe i wouldn’t have royally messed up my relationship. Where would i be now if i had kept going
I never grieved , there was nothing to grieve . I was happy that I had answers . Also, you can't change your past , you can work to change your future .My mom had no way to know , it was the 90s . I accepted myself a long time ago , I had one thing that was beneficial odd or some sort of it.