The Dual Faces of Narcissism: Friends and Family
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- Опубликовано: 16 окт 2024
- Narcissistic people can be very concerned with how others see them so work hard to maintain a positive image in public. They present themselves as congenial and favourable as it helps them receive admiration and validation, and boosts their self esteem.
They can be loyal, kind and caring to some, and dismissive and cruel to others. This disparity in their behaviour can be confusing to those who witness both sides of the their personality.
This video looks at the different motivations behind their different behaviours, and in particular, why the can be devoted and loyal to their families yet abusive and neglectful to their partners.
If you find this video interesting please consider supporting me on either Patreon or Substack
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#narcissism #narcissisticabuseawareness #narcissistic
Transcript available on both Substack and Patreon darrenfmagee.substack.com/p/the-dual-relationships-in-narcissism
It got so bad with my ex that I actually asked him to treat me and our children as if we were strangers. He treated strangers so well and us so horribly.
That applied to my mom....
My husband has been like this for our entire marriage of 45 years. I have nowhere to go 😢
You just saved people from 5,000 dollars in therapy in 10 minutes. Well done.
maryannlindberg8994 - 💯🥳❤️
😂🤣😂
My husband was so mean to me but everyone else sings his praises and it’s mind blowing they still do this years after the divorce. I thank God every day that I got the courage to leave and withstood the treachery of the divorce.
susansanchez1629 - Absolutely and I am so sorry you had to endure it. I did as well. 20 years of marriage and 14 years post divorce and he's STILL at it!
He has convinced our son to leave our home to live with him! Our son is 21 years old, and now I have to fear for him.
It never ends. I have stated, As long as one of us is alive - it just isn't going to stop. I was correct.
Sad yet true.
🫂❤️
Mine too
Same here. Finally had the courage to leave. But friends love him saying what a nice person!
Same here.
Another casualty here, as well. Bad thing is, he realized he'd better step up or lose his children. He won, but I lost: Yes he had that prestigious job and family . The relationship between and husband and wife is unique, so that no one knows but me. It's bad when the people treat you like the perpetrator and not the victim. "Surely he couldn't be capable of such behavior," but we know better.
My Grandmother called them “Street Angels..House Devils” 😊❤
That statement says it all.
Omg so true
Your grandmother knows what’s up!
@@Chunkymonkey309
She had lots of sayings..before psychology. “Pretty is as Pretty Does..my Dear.” If you nothing Kind to say..Don’t say anything at all.”
Great description.
Everyone told me how lucky I was! They never knew what he was like in private
I get that a lot. Meanwhile, my life is criticism and the need for assurances by me and I can’t get him to commit to some kind of time together. I could drone on, but he treats me like a child on the phone every day and acts annoyed by me when we are together. And when I ask him if he wants to spend the day together, he always has something to do and can’t make a commitment or starts complaining about me. All I do is work, I have no life and this guy who doesn’t want to spend time with me ragging on me like he’s my parent. I know there are good parts to him, the parts I love, but not at this cost. You’d think it would be easy to say goodbye, but it’s so painful.
susanwallbrown7889 - Absolutely the same line of BS I had heard.
Oh, he's a keeper! Now I think of a retort: A keeper of what? The devil's lair??
I am so sorry you, anyone else who had suffered this as well as I. It indeed is hell. 🫂❤️
Women would come up to me and say " What's it like being married to such a spiritual man?" Or " It must be wonderful being married to such a spiritual man!" while we were in church.
I had to leave church.
I couldn't let them know he'd drug me up a flight of stairs by my hair the night before and only two weeks after giving birth to our son.
I couldn't keep a poker face and they probably wouldn't have believed me.
@@susanwallbrown7889 same here
Absolutely right! Same here!
The headline summarized this beautifully. Others simply can't wrap their mind around how someone who appears to be always so nice and friendly could be a malicious person who delights in bringing harm to their partner at every chance they get. Unbelievable cruelty. The only ones who truly understand are the ones that have been through this hell themselves. If you suspect someone is a narcissist, run immediately.
All my neighbors see him as the nice guy. He does not even say good morning to me unless I say something. When I am sick ( he caused) he does nothing for me ! 😮 They are sent to destroy us ! I moved to another bedroom 13 years ago. I am 78.
My father has the best reputation in the community, he's being respected and even praised, very generous and compassionate towards other, he would even go a long way or do extra mile to help other people. At home he treated us exactly the opposite; he often gaslit us, trivialized our dreams, devalue us, called us names, undermined and criticized us, he made us feel you're never enough; he's never been happy with our achievements but very proud of other kids.
I had a similar father. My mother referred to him as "Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde." He would come home from work every day very angry and had my mother always walking on eggshells. We were "damned if we do and damned if we don't." My brothers and I were always criticized but my mother received the worst of it. He was very generous with those outside the family and was esteemed by others in our church. I believed he never wanted to marry my mother and have children but only did so because of societal expectations. He also suffered from same sex attraction so this could have contributed to his frustration with the choices he made. Both he and my mother have passed on but I feel sorry for all my mother suffered due to his cruelty.
Every word you wrote here same for me.
@@michelleazimi2046wow, that’s so sad
My ex husband treated everyone better than me. He would fix his friends and neighbours house for free but won't fix out broken light switch or tap 😢
My father feed everyone's child while we his own children starved.
My ex was a electrician did all the neighbour electrical work for free bent over backwards for everyone but I could not get him to change a plug for me,I had to pretend that a neighbour sent down their hairdryer to get fixed he did it right away,I got up and put it in my cupboard, he said what are you doing,I said it's mine I've been waiting for 6 months to get it fixed and the only way I could get it fixed was to say it was the neighbours.
@@singstreetcar5881That is bad.
If your story is true, @@annbow4064, it is quite sad. 😮 😢 I wish you had had better experiences than such as that.
Same.
This is why it’s hard to convince people of how you are being treated by the Narc. It’s a very tough thing to be abused by a Narc!! I’m so glad there’s so much awareness now.
Yes, but not anywhere near enough awareness. Most people know that narcs are problematic, but they don't know the extent of their ability to devastate their partner's lives.
When I left my narc last year and I told my family we had split up MY OWN SISTER asked me why he left me, what did I do wrong. 🤦♀️
Exactly!!
@@JettypilelegsThought he was just a lovely person most likely. Possibly was but to others!
@@janetmalcolm6191 oh yes, he’s a gentleman to others, and he’s rich so it’s easy to look good when you bamboozle people with gifts and financial favours.
Every single word is true....have been thru each of the example and/or instance mentioned. Man, you are good. No one ever truly realises what we've been through. In fact, so many things seem to become clear so much later. All that's left is a life that's sadly passed you by, leaving you broken, having to pick up the pieces all alone, yet be judged, criticised by all and sundry...and even if there is so called support, you're supposed to just let it go and move on and focus on acing it all. The burnout is real.. seemingly never ending.
Exactly my experience. My husband will play the bleeding-heart, compassionate person to others, yet at home, Mr. Hyde appears who undermines, criticizes, and behaves in all manner of dysfunction. It has taken me far too long to see this. I now realize though I've been the stable force in our home and can take my stable self somewhere else to find more peace.
❤❤❤👏👏👏
Yes, do it because he’ll never ever change… that’s who they are!!!
maryp4579 - YAY!!! 🥳. Go go go!
I lived it for 20 years in my marriage of hell, and I am free of his ceaseless nagging and abuse. I wish you all the best! 🫂❤️
Lord help my family with this crazy self centered piece of always right centered of attention.
5:14 My family has always been oriented around how I am the one who doesn't fit in. I don't miss it. I'd rather die alone than be abused in the name of love.
Wow,
🚩my old family has two malignant narcissists, these two narc had influenced most of my relatives with their smear campaign against me and made me the super villain.However I see things from the positive perspective, if a relative's(or friend) faith/support towards you could be easily swayed by a story from these narc, then they aren't worth to be my relative. Their support is like the haze, it goes wherever the wind blows(by narc's mouth) them
kristinmeyer489 - Honey, may I say GOOD FOR YOU!
I also am the only one like me, and I am alone yet I am not lonely. I have learned to enjoy my own company, my peace of mind, my beloved pets. I hope you have as well.
Keep reading, keep learning and share your knowledge with others.
There are many excellent Facebook support groups of which I highly recommend. One in particular I have been in for several years truly has helped me as we share, complain, laugh and cry. I even made a good friend in the UK: I am in the US. She understands who I am and what I have experienced. 💞
Best wishes to you and a big hug 🫂❤️
Same here
Narc parents, I married covert narc, had 3 kids (2 narcs) only non narc child was a beautiful Christian daughter who died with cancer at 40. Last few months B4 she deteriorated she helped me leave narc hubby. I nursed her as ex nurse, the moment she died, next day I was outcast, smeared, even my church believed it so I never went back. I live alone in rented flat but 2 days ago took hubby to court to get house sold and I won!He had a Solicitor AND Barrister I represent myself as no £. Me and Jesus won, best Barrister you can get!
I was married to a narcissist for 26 years, until he died of a brain tumor. He treated me terribly and had many, many emotional affairs (he insisted nothing physical ever happened 🙄). My husband also was a perpetual liar. He lied even when there was no reason to lie. I had to eventually document his comments after discussions because he would later gaslight me and confuse me. He was incensed when he learned I did that. Among some of the most painful things he said to me was “I’ve never loved you” and “you’re not attractive enough for me to love” and “I enjoyed watching you cry.” I truly only stayed married to him because of our children’s well being (he was an awesome father - they thought he was perfect) and sadly, it was a relief when he died, though I did grieve deeply because I loved him.
I'm glad he's gone!
What did you love about him?
how old are you now?
Wow, an incredible story!
I hear exactly all that you’re saying. I get it.
@@astrialindah2773 thank you for asking. To begin with, he didn’t say those cruel things to me until we had been married about 16 or so years. There were some things that seemed “off” during that time, but nothing so serious as to end a marriage. Also, it took years to figure everything out because he lived a double life and was such a good liar. By the time I learned what may have been the full extent of his issues, we were in joint counseling and he was in counseling by himself. He seemed to genuinely want to save our marriage and spare our children from a broken home. So, during the first 16 years, I grew to love him like anyone grows to love their partner or spouse. He was overall fairly easy to get along with. He had a great sense of humor, he became a good provider and he truly was a wonderful father to our children.
I have recently closed the door firmly shut on a narc like this after a quarter of a century....feels great 😊
Something I have noticed about the people in my life with strongly narcissistic tendencies is a taking of full credit for joint efforts or for ideas that they did not originate. There is a negation of the partner creating an impression that the narcissist is fully competent and the partner is less significant.
They always take credit for everything. Especially in a work situation or a partner. Must look on top of everything. Put others down though in the process. Give no respect to others. Very demeaning in a cruel way with no regard to others feelings.
This one really clicked for me. Even after 35 years of association, I still feel like I’m auditioning for a spot on the outer edge of my in-laws inner circle. My wife, who treats me with utter contempt, neglect and cruelty in private, strongly exhibits princess syndrome propagated and reinforced by her elderly narcissistic parents. Their many grandchildren, which includes our children, are often bragged about so much and to such an exaggerated degree, I wouldn’t even recognize which child was being exalted unless I hadn’t heard them referred to by name. The reality is every family has warts and yet these people cannot fathom offering any shred of real, relatable truth to anyone. They even lie amongst themselves when one member does something stupid. It’s simply swept under the rug and never addressed. Because I don’t openly participate in this ongoing charade, I am not fully in the club. Sprinkle in some menopause and late-onset alcoholism, and my life can only be described as a lonely, living nightmare.
Sad. Please start to go to Adult children of Alcoholics. Can start online, then find sit down group. Also you can go to AA and learn to stop drinking.
I have always felt like the stranger in my own family. Im the scapegoat. Don't expect them to make you any room but try to cultivate your own connections which it might sounds impossible because I myself find it extremely hard to make any healthy connections even being proudfully childless because people don't talk to people face to face any longer...we have become dependent and hooked to our cell phones.
@@jazzsoul1695 I don’t drink. It’s my wife.
@@scooterwoodley195 Get some support. ACoA meetings are perfect. These people can make you sick!
@@DA-ee1xi It's also hard for people to find the strength to leave these toxic people! Thank God I went to therapy since the late 80s, 90s 2000s. I learned there's NO REWARD coming your way for enduring their abuse.
You perfectly described how loyal they are to their family of origin and always lied and cheated their spouse. To them their spouses are only to be used and abused and easily disposable. Marriage to a narcissist is really a TRAGEDY. By Amelia
This video couldn't have come at a better time. I experienced this to a T. Every single thing you stated was my experience with my ex husband and his family. They are a cult hellbent on poisoning the next generation and killing it from the inside out. I refuse to allow my children to be destroyed by these sick people. My ex and his family are the most abusive, racist, enmeshed, sick people i have ever met. I tried so hard to help him see how abusive he and they are. He chose his false fantasy image of his family and himself over our children and marriage. His loss
He won't be missing his rights to be a father, he will miss his privileges. Protect your innocent family members. Don't let him cripple your love ones. Sending ❤
Well, your ex-husband must have a clone that I am married to!😅😅😅, and the same with family, too!
@@Lyrielonwind 💯
@@nancykg6666it's actually scary how similar these people are. Quite shocking actually
@mimi42428 true! I wonder who their special common ancestors are! They are definitely different from ours - its shocking how so much at ease and comfort they are in acts of abuse and cruelty! Unnecessary acts of vindictiveness and vengefulness coupled with resentment that is so difficult to comprehend! Shocking!
This is a brilliant analysis and it makes complete sense. Thank you for such a well thought out explanation for narcisstic behavior toward their spouse...this validation has been life-changing for me. Thank you!
You just described my father, the way he treated my mother vs his narcissistic siblings who always treated my mother and my siblings and I as the scapegoats of the extended family. The cult description is very accurate.
Nothing has explained my marriage so well ❗
Goodness this is so true - about him and his family - everything even how they treat me so accurate. Thank you .
Have to say first that I love all of your videos, Darren! And this one is no exception. But I want to offer that Narcissists are not capable of being KIND. While they may be "nice", it is usually superficial and only done for them to gain something or to make them look good. Being truly kind it something only people with the capacity of real empathy can do, and this, as we all know, narcissists cannot possess. While they may have cognitive empathy - "I know I should show empathy and concern here" - it isn't a natural, true function built in to them like the rest of us. NICE is the best they can do and it is just a farce, a facade, part of their "mask".
@@DA-ee1xi So true. I often ask people what they think the difference between nice and kind are, and they look at me quizzically. Then I give them this definition. Nice is about how you want to appear to others, so your image is maintained. Kind is how you treat another person, so they receive a blessing and is not about you at all.
Not true everybody possess empath, everybody, it's just selectional, episodic and low in people who have personality disorders, they may have never learned the value of empathy or got a lot of there own empathy humiliated or beaten out of them. So it's important you don't generalize like that, nd dehumanize people, no matter what label we put on people they are all humans, nd we all have the same human traits but some of us have lower or higher. Some of us may be more dominant, some of us may be more submissive, some of us may be more violent, some of us may be more passive e.t.c but we all have everything in us. Nd not being able to recognize empathy in others is a big red flag in our own selves. If we start telling ourselves other people's empathy isn't real or fake but ours are we are falling into narsstic territory ourselves. It's also a way to fuck up your children to if you start viewing them in this way
God bless u Darren for your work on this. You have answered a question for me.
Why my husband would never confront his sister on her dismissive superior bad behavior towards me - even with proof. Well now I know. Keep up the good work ❤
my former adoptive "mother" set this example recently. the nice thing to do was to get my dogs remains taken care of, this is the cognative empathy.
but then because she paid for it, I had to wait from oct1st until xmas to get my dogs ashes as a gift. since she spent that money on my dog, I didn't deserve anything else. every interaction with that woman is transactional and she'll deny it until the day she dies.
I believe I said they are incapable of "true" empathy for others, which is just a fact, well proven, actually. They have what is called "cognitive empathy" which is something you might want to research. But it is very different to true empathy, because it is self serving and they only use it to their advantage, therefore, making it not "true" empathy. And they do have some semblance of empathy, but generally only for themselves, being the consummate victims in every scenario. And true psychopaths, malignant narcissists, have zero empathy. They really don't. Like the BTK killer, he doesn't. End of story. So not EVERYONE does. Also check out Sam Vaknin. He gives a lot of insight to this issue and how Narcissists (people that are diagnosed as such, not just people high on the narcissism scale) are empty dead holes inside, incapable of true love and empathy. And children are different. They get unconditional love, always.
Spot on with the crazy family loyalty. They just jump on the loyalty bandwagon without ever thinking about what really happened. They normalize everything and sweep up the uncomfortable facts under the carpet. Well, for those of us who found the courage to get away, it's good riddance to bad rubbish.
I was always confused as to why my father was always very nice to complete strangers, but treated his family like crap. It was all a fake . Everyone thought my father was such a wonderful person, when in reality he was a narcissistic asshole. It was all a show to make people believe he was a good father/family man.
Well said
This is sooo true , and a dynamic I never appreciated until I filed for divorce from my ex on learning about his multiple affairs , secret bank account and child with another woman. We had been married for 30 years and we had four children , I assumed I was a valued member of his family and while I did not expect them to take “sides “ I did expect they would have some empathy for me , instead they circled the wagons and spread vicious lies . Supportive sister in law was warned not to talk to me and my settlement was tied to an NDA ( non disclosure agreement) . My exs family were politically prominent and had a carefully nurtured identity of a large ,loving, successful family. They needn’t have worried about me , all I wanted was a divorce, I had no intention of exposing them. Thankfully I had the support of a good therapist, a lawyer and most importantly my sons.
Kennedys?
😂 no but my ex certainly admired them, especially Bobby, and me too until I learned about the Kennedys dark reputation with women.
I love how you described how you felt your in-laws would act after your discard
I thought my in-laws loved me and completely thought they would support me
I was discarded by them just their son did
They love all of his supplies he’s brought home since my discard
I’m trash after being in that family for 29 years
@@LakeHouse1965 It’s a real shock when the people you thought loved and respected you turn their backs, it revealed to me that I was never as valued as I thought I was.
Divorced my narcissist after 3 years. 2 weeks after we got married he announced he was gonna retire,not going to work anymore.I told him he had. Ot sold his house,he needed to retire at his house. My house paid for.2 mortages on his house. It was all down hill from there.Divorced him to keep my sanity,and to have a good life.What a user.
My dad had always used his wife to show how caring he is. But lately he has discarded her because of her early dementia, which he couldn’t deal with. I detest his behavior.
My covert narc husband always puts others and of course, himself, before me. If he cared an iota about our kids then he would’ve seen how damaging his behaviour was having on them as much as it was having on me, except his head was up his arse and we didn’t matter. We still don’t matter! He has manipulated and brainwashed our sons over the years, it’s shameful. He wont acknowledge he has done anything wrong. Narcs never do. It’s never their fault. He doesn’t allow me to speak without interrupting. I can’t tell him how I feel, yet he went to stay a night at an old friends house as his wife hasn’t been well, and he was concerned for her. Hmm, not once has he shown concern for me. This behaviour is why it’s so hard for victims to prove the abuse is even real to family or friends, if you have any! These narcs are so good at switching masks when they feel like it, which proves they know exactly what they’re doing to us. It’s deliberate and that makes them dangerous and even more evil.
My neglectful, histrionic, narcissistic mother taught the close and extended family to hate me. She lied about me and humiliated me in public and made me the scapegoat starting when I was about 2 all the while pretending to be perfect herself. She used to tell people what a disobedient and bad girl I was. Even when I was an adult. Toward the end of her life she began to privately tell me she was proud of me but continued stabbing me in the back to others. This led to my attracting narcissists in relationships without learning how to protect myself.
My mother is the exact same way. I'm a female turning 35 , unmarried because of the smear and slander.
Same here! 38, single never had a healthy relationship because of my mother i keep atracting narcs!
I grew up with a narcissistic mother whom physically and emptionally abusive... telling me i looked ugly , fat and stupid and treated me as the black sheep...at the age of 2 I already knew i was not significant/ not good enough.. I basically had no self worth and trust issue .... I too had got myself involved in some really unhealthy relationship with guys in hope for love ... thank goodness I now no longer looking for love from guys BUT till now i have problem making friends wbich i try substituting it with meditation
Very true. I married a narcissistic boy who comes from a family of narcs. For 6 years I felt like an outsider. I was not welcomed into the clique, who gave me the cold shoulders and made it very obvious that they were jealous of me and talked about me behind my back. And my husband did nothing to protect me nor make me feel welcomed in this family. He only made the triangulation worse. So I left him. (If he wants to remain with that family instead of the one he chose to marry, then he can go back to them.) This brought their narcissism to the light, and my husband ended up choosing me over them. I am now no-contact with my husband's family, while he limits contact with them. This has also brought about a huge good change in my husband, as he is no longer enmeshed with them.
Wow a positive change in a narcissist- very rare
This podcast absolutely nailed my relationship with my then wife and family. It just answered all my questions. Now I am divorced and live a fantastic life with very little stress. Thank you Darren.
In the case of my narcissistic mother, cruel to spouse and children who refuse to be manipulated, "kind" to enablers WITH MONEY.
This is my ex to a T. Didn’t understand while I was married to him, now very clear to me now. My friends gushed how wonderful is was!
Talking to my narcissistic neighbour the other day , he told me he loved his children more than his wife , so when I told him his wife should come first , he simply replied , " My children are part of me , she's not " Yes it all revolves around the narcissist. !!!
Wow! That’s horrible! Although I must say my amazing husband sometimes feels like I give our dog, Oliver (aka Ollie) a bit more attention than I give him. 😂
Eeeh, its actually very NORMAL to love The children more, not only that, its UN NATURAL NOT to love your children more!! The love of a partner is of a completely different character
I can relate to this.
If you love your children you treat the other well !
Love is not either or nor out of one pot. One can love passionately ones spouse children dog siblings without depletion of the love pot don’t you think? Imo love expands and does not decrease!
I got it
My mom was from dysfunctional family (her father ended up as a heavy drunkard, and was really not upright person), and my ex had a father that behaved the same. This explains why my mom and my ex had good relationship while they mainaned some proper enough distance... Of cause no emotional closeness. It explains why at certain point I temporary became people pleaser and have anxious attachment style 20 years ago. Till I broke it then more then 20 years ago. I was lucky. Though I could not fix nothing having not even shred of knowledge about narcissism. Still I did became independent. Self sufficient, having job and proper enough income. And renting apartment of my own. But I fell for my mom's hoovering, and didn't saw my ex as my fiercest enemy. So much life, time and efforts spent to combat it.
Thank you
Never thought I will need to start over from the beginning at age 64, when finally I'm no longer work so hard just to have roof for my children and piece of bread literary....
My experience is a little different. In my case, my narcissistic sister treats me really badly (she always has, ever since I was born), but treats her husband and children really well. When our whole family is together, my sister will very intentionally make all of our family time about her children, will spend all of our conversation time talking about them, and the bulk of the time organizing other people’s interactions with them. She basically tells other people what activities they are to do with her kids, and controls our entire family. I know that it is extremely important to my sister to be seen by the world as a highly successful wife and mother. Her identity is wrapped up in that. So I guess that is why she treats her own family so well, but has no problem belittling me and treating me disrespectfully. Since she has a charming and charismatic personality, friends of our family and extended family members all think she is wonderful, and show favoritism toward her.
This is similar to my experience with a narcissistic brother. To him, his kid walks on water, and everyone else is chopped liver, including his (now ex-)wife, and me, his sister. I think it's not so much who is valued and who is devalued, as long as there is someone in each of those roles that the narcissist can use to play off against each other and derive both positive and negative supply from.
@@Naomi-vs1tl Yes! That all makes sense.
My experience with my sister was similar until her older child turned 8 years old or so, then that child became her scapegoat. Once children in our family start expressing any independence, they are belittled into silence and isolation. My sister’s younger child (her golden child) can do no wrong and never told no. My mom, sister and her youngest are the babies of the family and are all entitled and don’t respect boundaries (like being told no). In our case it is because my mom is a covert narcissist and passed along that the babies of the family are most important because she feels that about herself. I wonder if my mom were the oldest of her siblings if I would have turned out to be a narcissist and not a scapegoat. I don’t want to be either so I went no contact. I also don’t want my kids to be scapegoated.
The same truth about my sister. Also she was manipulating me in all ways to prevent me from finishing my MA degree.
Sounds like sis is using you as some sort of scapegoat to let all of her negativity out on. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this.
It seems as though you are talking about my experience with my ex-husband and his entire narcissitic family! Thanks for putting words into my confused and hurt emotions! I am so over my ex-husband, but I haven’t been able to heal 100% from 35 plus years of narcissistic abuse!!
Thank you Darren 🙏🌻
Wonderful to hear this and understand things which were so puzzling for decades
"Communal narcissism" I think is the term that's used that pretty much describes it all. A need to look good in public.
I wish I could have had the benefit of your knowledge when I was growing up. Now I understand some of my father's strange behavior and how it affected me, which has helped me in my struggle to overcome it . Thank you for your videos; they have changed my life for the better.
You didn't miss a thing!
At my father's funeral, people were queueing up to tell me what a wonderful man he was, and how lucky I was to be his daughter.
Listening to the eulogies at my husband's, I thought I must be at the wrong funeral. He would do anything for anyone except me or anyone I asked him to help.
Oh and my parents both hated their in-laws!
The topic is more than interesting Darren. Its a like for like description of my parents and their interaction with each other and me. Thanks very much for all your wisdom and advice.
God bless you Darren on this. Well i know now why my husband would not confront his sisters attitude towards me - even with proof. They really are loyal to each other. Wow!
Old French saying...Angels in the street and devils at home.
Very true . 100% agreed to it . Partners are the sufferers for the narcissist insecurities . They won’t consider kids and wife the same way.
What to do ? No peace . Other than silently suffer for the kids .
Now mine has found the love of his life...🤧
@@maddielu5286Mine too,! They won’t have kids together, so she may never know the real him
When a woman is mistreated by her husband, her children suffer, regardless of how well he treats the children directly. Staying with an abusive man does absolutely no favors for her children(especially her daughters), and in fact, it can cause a lot of resentment of the children by the mother, whether conscious or unconscious. If a woman believes she is suffering for her child, she will resent that child, because she is a human being, not a god.
Excellent. It's like you're speaking directly to my 26 year marriage to my CN. The family and their community has cult like tendencies.
Mr Magee you hit the nail on the head my ex was exactly the same his friends thought the sun was shining out of his ass but behind closed doors he was a monster he was an abusive alcoholic narcissist that made it even worse he tried to kill me once with a crow bar police got involved and they put an IVO on him for the rest it was verbal abuse which was terrible manipulating, putting me down, swearing at me etc he didn't like his mother hardly ever went to visit her even when she was very sick and she passed away at the end he was a heartless individual when his so called mates wanted a favour he ran there straight away but if it was me he ignored me at the end I had enough and told him to go he did because he had another supply lined up there's no more contact and it took me a year to get over the trauma my life is happy and peaceful now thank God and the divorce is at the end of this month 😊❤
I went out with a man in his mid life who needed to give extremely high tips to servers. Im talking £20 to a cashier, someone who brought us some milk from the fridge.. it felt odd, but I couldnt put my finger on it at the time. i see now he had to be Mr. Nice and generous with every stranger, (especially younger women) to feed his ego. One time a server wasnt thankful enough for his overly large tip, and he wouldnt stop going on about it. Boooo!
Thank you for this conversation. I relate to all you have said. Husband makes it sound as if there is an eclipse if his family sat down, but my siblings are worse than ****. Recently he had a heart attack and coded twice. In all of the chaos over the next two weeks, I was completely calm, enjoying my freedom at home. At the same time I also had the fear that if he would die, I would not be able to play the grieving widow. Am I a bad person? No-one outside of these four walls knows what he is really like, not even his family. He only shows the kind and considerate version of himself to others. Since I could not physically leave him, I had to learn how to not be emotionally attached to him. My tolerance of bad behavior ran out many years ago and if I knew that I would be able to financially survive on my own, I would have left decades ago. But this is life, and I have to make the best of what I've got.
I started noticing this behavior from the covert narc in my life. I am pleased to have this validation and deeper knowledge about what is going on. It helps give me more power in my own life. I do have to deal with knowing that friends and family may not ever know what he is like. I know better than to know that will not be easy to accept. But I will keep working toward that. It could drive me crazy knowing how slyly the narc manipulates others into believing what he wants them to believe!!
My husband could be so ugly to us but if a waiter walked up and it was “yes, ma’am” polite as could be. I noticed this but never understood why.
My ex husband of 30 years used to refer to our children and myself as “you people” as if he was better than us 😡
My father was narcissistic, my first wife and first born son was her golden child also narcissistic, my second wife is not and we believe in God and all is well for more than 40 years together.
It's sad to be a partner, a person who needs intimacy and vulnerability to create a deeply satisfying union with the one she LOVES, since that can trigger a narcissist's deep-seated insecurities. "Damned if you do, damned if you don't," right? Just sadness and frustration going in circles--that's how I felt, because nothing worked the way it should have, no matter how much I wanted it to. Getting married late in life, then finding out I wasn't actually loved broke my heart and was so incredibly disappointing. (The narcissist's) fear is its own powerfully destructive force.
Dated a covert narcissist. I felt valued, appreciated, and loved when we were one-on-one, but in a social setting it was the complete opposite. She was like a totally different person and I felt completely disconnected, invisible, and lonely.
Not quite kind. Son in law provides alcohol to all the alcoholics. Husband provides money to all of his monkeys until the are crippled and dependent to a deadly degree. 😢
Yes they are definately dependant on each other , son in law is his provider , you name it , drugs , drink , women , viagra , porn !!! The whole family are in it up to their necks & nobody would believe me as they portray to the public a totally different personality , however when you scrutinise them closely even in public , they can show their true colours .
Had more than enough? Ready to go? Okay with getting kicked out of the narcissist's house? Follow my lead-- challenge their behavior (gently question them, ask for explanations) more authentically and directly, like Darren mentions at 6:50. From what I've heard about other people wanting to leave, getting kicked out seems so much easier... he did me a big favor! A few weeks later, I signed annulment papers and just kept going, 500 miles north to another state, so it was a pretty clean break! I'm so thankful to be far away.
So well said Darren and spot on thank you.
My BPD / NPD mother has mistreated my father, sister, and me our entire lives but switches to a kindly, meek, and angelic persona in public and with extended family. She's now 82 and is still the cruellest person I know. Nobody knows it but us 3. If she can switch like that and gaslight us so severely, doesn't that mean she is in CONTROL of her behavior?
Lol marrying into a whole household of narcissists is the stuff of nightmares, just one on their own is chaotic enough
Spot on, as usual. Great content...keep it up! Thanks ~
Wow! This! I went through this and am still going through it. There were red flags but I ignored them. Thank you for posting this video as it helps greatly knowing I’m not the only one dealing with this situation 😅
The thing is you do not need any one to validate you , you are your own person, love yourself, and move on when you figure them out of their behavior, dont let it get to you , who cares what anyone thinks or says , one thing i learned is they are always in competition, flying monkeys , u don't have to keep talking to them on a daily either, these behaviors are leaches, you dont have to put up with it
If you are the scapegoat in the narcissistic family, the family will often choose to side with an abusive partner the Scapegoat is experiencing. Im a Scapegoat and had a very troublesome abusive partner that i eventually ended the relatuonship with. My narcissistic siblings chose to support that partner rather than me, and blamed me for the relationship problems rather than show any loyalty to me. This made it much worse for me trying to escape from the abuser, and increased my feelings of isolation. My family chose to see me as the problem because they already saw me as a Scapegoat. I became ostracised from family events in preference to my ex being invited and treated with sympathy, yet he was still stalking me and subjecting me to mental abuse, id sought help with from the Police, for 2 years. Yet my family still welcomed him to their homes.
My parents took my narcissistic ex on vacation after he had tried to shoot me in the head.
Really sorry you had to put up with that. The saying is you can choose your friends but not your family. This seems to be true. Hope your life is better now.
I too was a scapegoat. It's a painful situation. You trust your family and they turn on you. Where do you go then? To God, who knows who He created you to be. To friends who see and appreciate your worth. Have faith in yourself to find the way. All shall be well eventually.
@@nmontani
Thank you! Luckily I turned to God as a young child and I do have faith in him! He's helped me through many difficult times, so I'm not alone! Also there are many out there who have been assigned the position of Scapegoat as a child, in a Narc family and I think once you understand it, it sets you free from self blame, but as a youngster it's pretty horrible. We have to stay strong 👍🙏💪
You just described my soon to be ex husband and his mother. I understand why I was treated so badly. I was never going to be good enough for them no matter how hard I tried. Thank you
Thank you so much for dissecting a mess I couldn't help but notice even as a child. When I married - of c ourse- - more of the same. Survival & sheer stubbornness kept it from me until he passed. I fell better grounded now.
You have described brilliantly my family of origin and a few others I have come in contact with. Thank you Darren. Spot on.
I felt you are exactly talking my story,what I'm facing but other's don't accept as he is too good to other's and completely unempathetic towards me.
This sort of describes my narcissistic siblings who have turned into a cult. I however am the sole empath of the group and have become the scapegoat. I went "no contact" seven years ago. It appears that two male siblings get along with their wives in imitation of my parents who were fiercely loyal to each other but were more concerned about how they appeared to others rather than how we kids were being impacted by their self-centeredness.
I'm the middle child and the scapegoat but I think the family was always a cult. It was me that took me so long to find out and the only one who wanted to notice it. My siblings are in another reality but they came out better in the materialistic sense...more money, more invested in their career by my parents...they don't want the scapegoat to be independent and sabotage our growth accordingly.
They cannot " own up" to anything. Even my son, now 32, takes a bit too much crap from people who are not compassionate, like his " personal trainer" who guilted him for gaining 1 fkn pound on birthday weekend. The endurance for shitty treatment is a big thing.
Thank you Darren. True , true , true!
This sounds like my experience, as a scapegoat to a narcissistic father.
My whole family of origin is like this. Had to leave them behind, and it was the best decision I made for myself.
My husband's family is like a cult. This video makes so much sense 👏
Families are inherently cult like.
Those Malignant Narcissists who do not attack the their partners [ for reasons of various interests] can be extremely vicious to their scapegoat in their family of origin.
Mine treated my friends and family way worse than his own. I think him being more of a dick around my friends and family was an attempt to isolate me. I dumped him:)
My friends and family were turned against me and so was his family who happen to live within the same city we do.
I am a recovering alcoholic with long term sobriety since 27 December 1989 yet I’m now finding my college notebooks full of blame and shame because of when I was drinking.
He said he was proud of me to me but continued to bash me to friends and family. He felt that his family was superior to mine. I disagreed. They were as sick as my family.
I asked him, two months before he died, if he was ever going to forgive me for my alcoholism. His response was’ “I never really thought about it.”
I was given every indication that forgiveness was always on the table. It wasn’t. I would never receive the grace of forgiveness. It was unattainable and was never going to happen. I was gaslighted for thirty-two years.
God can still forgive you and you can also forgive yourself. I hope you find peace ❤
Forgiveness is a word which not everyone agree about the definition. Love, freedom can be other examples. I think we should ask more often: "how do you define ...Forgiveness, love, freedom, etc?
Btw, my deceased ex husband, who was more than alcoholic and probably a sociopath, told me he was proud of me (I got an A in a basic course of psychology in San Francisco Community College being Spanish and lacking English knowledge except for what I have learned at work, he never spoke to me in English and that was a halt in my learning process)...he wasn't proud, he looked miserable because I was trying and he didn't have the guts to improve his situation when he was in his own environment and not out of it like it was my case, living in a foreing country without support and himself being a load on my back.
If you are with a narcissist, never expect respect, love, support and especially forgiveness...they are the victims. You are a traitor, especially when you achieve whatever goal.
You should be proud you got out of the hole any addiction means. You own it to yourself because I don't think you feel guilty, you feel toxic shame and forgiveness is something we should practice with ourselves first and especially if we didn't have the support of our loved ones. That's when forgiveness is most neccesary.
You can stop wearing the alcoholic badge. Here you are telling strangers on the internet the exact day you quit some 35yrs ago and no one was asking. It's time to forgive yourself. And never depend on others for validation. It's called self-esteem.
@@bearclaw5115 I have forgiven myself. We were married for 32 years. I share my sobriety date with strangers at meetings too and I have no problem doing it here.
You have just described my lived experience with the ex, father of my son, who at times presented himself as a 'family man' depending on which persona,/situation he was in. I watched him be so many different people. he recently dumped our son(18) to live with me full time as there was a massive narcissistic injury occur with a lot of shame involved so, he cut his son off like he was dead to him. I am disabled and it's been a curve ball but my son and I are managing and relieved tbh. I had been looking forward to the day when I no longer had to deal with him again. My son has gone no contact with him and the exes family members have contacted my son and been quite aggressive and made threats if they see him in the street. Really quite nasty people and they are in fact acting exactly as you described, like a cult. Like they are above and better than everyone else.
Thank you for making this video, it really was so timely that I came across it today. I have major health problems due to near 2 decades exposed to that person. Son & I both diagnosed with CPTSD and other things from the relentless crazy of walking on eggshells, baiting, gaslighting, you name it.
Thank You so much for explaining that. I could never understand why his family was always so perfect to him. We are a threat. Got it!!! Just tired of being his verbal punching bag that he takes all his frustrations out on. I used to try to figure out what I did wrong but I couldn’t figure out what to do differently, so I came to the conclusion that it was more about him than me. So I don’t respond and let him rant and rave till he calms down and asks me if I want a cup of tea. I stick to very benign topics like the weather, food etc… When he got Covid he said he wanted a real relationship. I wondered how long that would last. Maybe 5 minutes. I just looked at him and raised my eyebrows and said nothing. So after 32 years of marriage he now wanted a relationship. I wasn’t convinced. Neither Dr Jekyll nor Mr Hyde really want a relationship. We went to a marriage seminar once and were told to look into each other’s eyes. We were out of there so fast and have never attended another one.
50 years ago it was called social angel, house devil. Correction, it is street angel.
100 years ago it was called vampirism. We simply forgot.
My father.
Everybody thinks he is an angel but behind closed doors he is a monster
Street angel.
True.....
Perfect video ❤
Thanks for validation of my husband 💔
Thanks for explaining the dynamics of narcissistic familial behaviors, family verses partner,
When my ex-husband cheated all his family told me it was nothing and I should move past it because it wasn't a big deal and the other woman was “loose.” Another time when his godmother, who never met me, told me I was a problem and probably talked too much because he was an amazing man and I was lucky to have him. Yet he was abusing me and hid it well.
House Devils and Street Angels are hell to live with.
My best decision ever was to cut all communication with a narcissistic person I had in my life. She is the devil dressed up as a saint
They look like the perfect family when in fact they are in organized crime, and everything they have, they stole. As for you, either you took money they gave you to get “someone who deserves it,” or you are honest, genuine, and therefore their target.
Thanks Darren, this perfectly described my ex and the dynamic with his family. It has been a very long and painful road, both in the marriage and the journey to get away.
The disparity between partner and family of origin of a narcisstic individual was received by myself always something similar to cognitive dissonance.
Very often I neither believed my observations nor did I understand those disparities.
You explained the bloody truth and I have another checkmark flagged on my long list of narcissistic traits of my ex-relationship, which was a covered narcissist and a very pretty and nice behaving lady in all sorts of perspecitves.
Thank you doc. Very sharp and educative.
OMG… I’m going through this right now. I’m in a very bad space and preparing to have a very difficult conversation with him on this.
Remember, you can’t talk to a disease.
Leave if possible. The scars of emotional abuse can run deep. Don't allow any more abuse.
Also, please be careful speaking to a narcissistic. They will make a plan to indicate you as the problem. This will add to the abuse and your time of healing afterwards. Hopeful for your outcome.
Describing my sister. Treated her husband and me terribly while presenting her ‘angelic, victim’ mask to family members and friends. Gave her the opportunity to engage others to see her husband and myself as the problems. Going no contact 16 years ago was the best decision I ever made. Wish I’d done it sooner. I don’t think her husband got away………
Yes. This is my alcoholic father and my Golden Child older sister.
Thank you so much for this breakdown.
You have no idea how deep this goes undercover so very deep for the spouse who is the recipient
All are on point. This is how he my narcissistic husband treats me
This video describes my family dynamics in a nutshell, from parents down to siblings. Always drama, parents have a "la la land" image of all the children (5); all of us children divorced multiple times, all moved far away from my parents except one daughter that adores them. She has been in multiple (3) abusive marriages. Father is loved and adored by his golf buddies, a tyrant and bully at home. Mother uses "loss of memory" excuses when confronted, always passes cognitive tests given by Doctors. She likes to start arguments with Dad at family reunions and public places like restaurants, never at home. Sadly, I've had enough of it in my late 60's and have cut off all contact for my own sanity.
i can agree with that. the thing is with where i stand, it seems that attracts NARCISSISTS. thats the part i dont understand. it seems that people who are trying to get into my life are narcs and then once i let them "in" they just want to hurt.
i have close people who SIDES with my enemies instead, and treated me like garbage. and i have "females" who act like they are "interested" in me but use everything they know about me that could HURT ME to hurt me. for example, some use something that i have publically expressed to trigger a severe PTSD in me, and they USE THAT DELIBERATELY while acting on public that they "love" me. now every little thoughts i have about them makes my stomach churned.
which convinced me that i must be a narc magnet. and that taught me not to trust anybody.
This topic is interesting to me , but it is more interesting why my mom was cruel to me, but was so charming for her friends and other people. And same with my ex, who was diagnosed as full NPD dark tetrad and was exactly as my mom - neglectful, cruel and abusive to me, and later to our children.. I might add another comment after I watch this video...