I have been working on myself for a long time, and I've healed a lot. But there was always something that eluded my best efforts to improve. Your videos have been like the missing pieces of the puzzle. I realized I don't freeze up like I used to. But there are times I still do--usually when it involves me doing something or making a decision as a responsible adult. It's then I shut down and wait for someone to come in and take care of things for me. And, of course, no one does, so eventually I have to force myself to act.
Have you ever been able to meditator at all? Like, can your mind be completely still for more than say 30 seconds, without dozing off, or getting distracted?
This is still such a big problem, when mental health workers tell people to talk and try to heal the toxic relationships with their parents when it's the most damaging and triggering experience. My therapist shamed me for being done with my mother. Like I was the one who went too far after she emotionally abused me all my life at every chance she got. I love reading Alice Miller, she gave me the freedom to say my parents are the worst and I don't need to carry any of the shame or guilt because it's not mine.
I notice the mental health workers, you talk about in this context, are often victims of abuse themselves and have had rose colored lenses to view their abuse as something else like a hurdle that can be jumped over. But constant hurdles. They intellectualize their own abuse so they are removed and seek other victims that are like them and then just shame them. There's cognitive dissonance.
Yeah for real. Facing someone who hurt me and telling them how I felt / explaining the damage they have done has literally never turned out well. It just causes drama 2.0 and then you have to comfort them all over again to protect their feelings. 😑 and they usually go tell everyone in the family how dramatic you are. Its almost more traumatizing then the original experience.
@@lavd7932 my mother always has and still does talk shit about me behind my back to my relatives, playing the victim. Like what kind of person does that, plus it's such a deep betrayal, a good parent would never do that to their children. So more people can shame and guilt-trip you. It's sick.
@@ilikemaline I can relate, I’m so sorry. It’s a terrible thing to try and process, why the person who should’ve loved us the most causes us the most pain. 💔
@@lavd7932 I'm sorry you can relate.💔 It took me years of therapy to get over that, I don't consider my mother as part of my life anymore and I am so much better of for it. I still have lots of work to do because of all the trauma I have mostly because of her but all I can do is be patient and kind to myself. I do what is good for me and put myself first.
One of the most damaging side effects of CPTSD is that, while we're identifying and healing our past traumas, we are blind to the vertitable stadiums full of red flags others are waving. Mark has his own issues! Wishing you the best, Caitlin. You've come so far, and you deserve peace and happiness!
In short... you are healthier than this Mark fellow... "mi casa es NOT su casa" in this case! You dodged a bullet! Bye Mark. Caitlin deserves so much more!
OK, but the one who doesn't feel ready for new relationship should communicate that before getting involved with a new person. So that the knew person knows about it and can decide, If he/she wants to start the fling thing or better look for another Person that's free.
The writer has every right in the world to just live her life now for some years, without any marc, bob or joe inteferring with her healing, get half of her house or trying to nail her down and pressure her into the second marriage. It is soooo lovely to learn: I can be on my own! I am allowed to be my own person!! Finally I can be free as a bird !! Really it sounds like it's time for that. 💚
God, Caitlin, PLEASE don’t put him on the title of your house! It’s WAY too soon, and there is something that feels very off. Please err on the side of caution here. ❤
Yeah that sent up a red flag for me. And so did what he said to her when it came to the issues with her mother. Like he went into therapist mode. I don't think I could date a therapist.
@@wordivore Totally agree. One of my best friends became a therapist, and it became tedious when she began analysing virtually everything I said. There is something off with this dude.
I felt the same. Six months into a relationship? It appears as if he was rushing in and acting all nice before he shows his true colors. Interesting that he misinterpreted her words when she mentioned the „prison“. Could it be that he heard that before and therefore „flipped“? I would run for my life from this man. She deserves better. All the best!! ❤
Feels like Mark is rushing into this relationship, not sure if he is wounded or just manipulative and controlling. If she gives herself enough time, I believe she will be able to move past him.
Its because he is anxious. Read my comment and search from youtube anxious avoidant trap. He isnt the bad guy here but he has his own wounds. Both of them has their wounds. Very easy to understand when you look coach Craig Kenneth work. He talks a lot about this attachment style thing.
@@neagualinnarcis3423 yes, exactly Mark was getting hurt here. So he was trying to get Security. I would bet according to fairy response she is also avoidant thats why she can only relate to her experience. If she took the test I think she would get the avoidant attachment style result.
I too was abandoned, forgotten, isolated, lied on,plotted on etc... I just stay to myself now, because from my experience, people only wait to hurt me. My trust has been trampled more than too many times and I have to accept the things I can not change. But I don't have to put myself in harms way either. You take care ma'am.
Mark triggered a flight response when he suggested moving in together and getting half of her house. It’s so far in the extreme for a six month period, especially coming out of an abusive relationship, but then to want to run off and join an ashram is a huge and extreme reaction. It’s escapism. It is trauma-based dysregulation. But completely understandable considering
I also think her saying that was an indirect way of telling him to “back off!” I may have said things like that before myself as an unplanned knee jerk response and a form of protection in the moment.
I do that a lot. It's from being systematically tortured with sleep deprivation. "Deer in the headlights" and can't even think how to respond, even when there's no imminent danger.
Flat Affect...Years go by & I'm still sitting here trying to clean the 🏡 so I can try & get outta the 🏡 & get a Routine like Swimming & attending Church but there's just too many Antagonists when I do get out of the 🏡
Nothing worse than having someone come into your life and tell you how you should handle the relationship with your shitty parents. It’s just continued gaslighting. I hate dating for this reason. I feel intense pressure to explain why I don’t talk to my family to someone who can never understand. I feel judged and like I’ll never be able to connect with anyone because of this.
I also don’t talk to some members of my family (father included) but most friends I’ve had have been understanding. I wouldn’t give up hope. I think anyone logical can understand that just because they’re family doesn’t mean they’re not abusive or toxic to you.
I had a shrink blaming my "mental illness" on my father who was now dead. Behavior is LEARNED, NOT INHERITED. My narc "mother" was never blamed or examined and got away with all the massive abuses she inflicted on my dad and I through the years. A real Covert sneaky lying, cheating and stealing bitch!!!!!👿👿👿👿👿
There are lots of people who have this also, who will understand. Also, if ever you meet someone who understands even though it isn't their experience, you will know that this person may be good to have a relationship with because they have empathy. Don't give up, just up your standards. You deserve someone who understands and supports you.
not looking for either. I just need a rock. A big rock. So I can crawl under it and rest. Everything about this life exhausts me. I need a break. A long break.
I got Pete Walker’s book on CPTSD because of you and I wholeheartedly related to the Freeze type, when it said “the lost child” oof. I took the brunt of my dads abusive because my sisters had friends and would just stay out of the house but I was too young to at the height of my dads alcoholism. My needs have never been validated and I finally have grown enough to know they should be. My current boyfriend much like my ex sounds a lot like this guy. So many unreasonable expectations, so fast. My boyfriend feels hurt that I don’t want to move in with him, and he’s been feeling that way for months! Then he starts berating me about how I’m not as into him as he’s into me. I have absolutely exploded at him at times because I feel so disrespected, but then of course I’m staying because of my abandonment melange. This was very affirming for me to watch - to know that I have every right to move slowly and cautiously, and if that makes him insecure, so be it. That doesn’t mean I’m intentionally hurting him or doing anything wrong.
I really recommend the book How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk too. The author goes into why the best and most healthy relationships come out of people moving slowly and not just idealizing each other. Great book for insecure attachments that’s really helped me stop being the one who wants to dive into things.
When the right video comes up at the right moment without looking for it. Always on point, like you were talking to me, saying exactly what I need to hear, here and now.. Thank you dear Anna!! I've got flew and I'm lying in my old bed with fever (during a temporary visit to my parents), feeling like I'm purging all unsaid, repressed emotions. I was keeping my headphones on when I tried to hug my father that just prepared me a cup of tea, after some weeks of hot and cold war (he's 68 yo). He asked me something that I didn't hear and then, with his passive aggressive style, said " remove your headphone... you're not going to become a musician!". I immediately got triggered and I answered very badly smth like " I have enough of this kind of bsh.." Now, I've studied music for 12 years in the past (cello) but I left when I turned 18 (and now I sing, so technically I am and will always be a musician!). I wanted to sing and he kept forcing me with something I didn't want just because " I was talented and too young to discern what was right for me". For years my solar plexus was aching right before class, I learned how to systematically freeze is this kind of situation and now I have CFS. I know my parents tried to do their best within the given circumstances (we left a war zone when I was 7) and they made lots of sacrifices for my little sister and me (we turned than parentified children), but all the suppressed anger, the self-sabotage dynamics, the sadness and the full package, it's making me to getting triggered, to over-react and feeling full of guilt that I somaticize by getting sick and sabotaging my projects. This video gave me the understanding and the comfort I needed right now.
Stay well and sing your heart out! You might want to check out third culture children for more clarity. Your dad displays like a very experienced rude controlling man.
@@loli3939 Thank you. He's been quite controlling indeed. In his heart I've always been his only, trusted source of pure love (he lost his mother at 5), but he's not a rude man and have great qualities. Since I've been living in another country last 10 years, my current stay has triggered his abandonment wound and he reacts like a baby sometimes..but I'm done with that vicious circle. That's why I react brutally when he tries to manipulate in order to have my attention and affection. I'm quite familiar and educated about second generation of migrants challenges. It has been extremely difficult to deal with that burden alone since where I grew up there was no adequate support and the issues were not even known. This could be an interesting topic to address in Anna's videos : mental health issues of second generations. 🙂 Ps: Speaking my truth has progressively opened my throat chakra and I'm singing as much as I can. It's interesting it's happening where once it was almost forbidden : at my parent's house. They accept it now.
My mom was pregnant with me when she was 14 with me and my dad was 17 and went into the military. He was in basic training when I was born. My mom went through the same situation. My dad ended up with custody with me. I forgave my mom cause I know it wasn't her fault she was so young and powerless and my dad was stronger because the military shaped him. That's why I have CPTSD cause I was raised as if I was in the military and was hard on me . I didn't have the proper childhood.. But it did give me a great work ethic and mad me strong and be able to overcome and adapt.. Overcome and adapt was drilled into me. I have gone from homeless to making 70.000 a year several times.. I know this story from experience. Thank you for sharing. ❤❤❤❤
I asked myself, if what she said (and "destroyed" the new relationship) was part of her protection-system and not so bad after all. She was not ready and had doubts from the start. She couldn´t act according to her real truth at that point, but her deeper system said "no" to this guy.... Best wishes for Caitlin!
A big thing that I notice about myself when in romantic relationships is that I tend to always assume they are right and then in the back of my mind there's a fight going on and this sometimes causes me to behave in a back and forth way with the person which then usually makes them become less trusting, and when I look back on the relationship, I do not give any value to my feelings, I am so busy trying to make myself perfect for them that I devalue my own intuition, but usually looking back had I trusted my feelings and I had I known and prioritized my own values more, I would have known from the first date that we weren't properly matched ;) learning to love myself and not be afraid of being alone helps too! For example, there's nothing wrong with you if you do not want to rush into a relationship with someone! These are feelings we must pay attention to! They are showing us how our values and needs differ from the other person's, and if we continue the relationship without contemplating this and asking ourselves why we are willing to overlook something that our own bodies are telling us isn't what we need or value, we are walking that line of entering into a toxic relationship. That's the wisdom of being in enough toxic relationships! ;)
I’d love another video that focuses on how to come out of a chronic freeze response. This one has some unique insights about how freeze can express itself. I appreciate your attention to the letter writer. Can you make some general comments about freeze that might apply to more people in other situations? I also appreciate others comments about Pete Walkers book which is a great resource on this issue
Wow sounds like Marks wounds are coming up….he’s obviously not being very helpful or understanding as he’s in mental health. He sounds like it’s ALL ABOUT HIM and he doesn’t care at all about her Healing… walk away Girl….rejection os PROTECTION…. Focus on You and Heal in peace, not with some self centered man making you, once again, feel like it’s all you…IT IS NOT….YOU ARE A A BEAUTIFUL SOUL FINDING HER WAY….Much Love and Many Blessings
I've created the fifth F. It's EFFIN hard when trying to clean up the mess I've created. Trying to dig out, but looming time frames cause the worst anxiety and the desire to numb is greater than ever. It's EFFIN hard to get better when help is expensive, long term, and hard as hell when worrying about how much we have already hurt family, worried about the eviction notice, worry about the issues innocent children are paying for, and 8 million other things.
@Britney H ~ big hugs to you, yes indeed EFFIN hard.. Relating to your descriptions.. Obviously the Daily Practice as Anna teaches is a place to start, and it's free, tho requires a degree of calm & focus & discipline that I haven't managed to muster yet. Wondering if you've tried Tapping, aka EFT, it just came back onto my radar, there are free ways to learn, & apps etc, can do simply and quickly, 'on the hoof', & teach children too so they can do with you or for themselves when they need, apparently some police forces teach their people to use it, to better process & cope with the traumas they encounter. Britney Watkins teaches this to help people overcome emotional eating & to lose weight & get all aspects of their lives back on track / upgraded.. It can be used for anything, is based on acupuncture meridian points, ancient well-proven knowledge, and there's a sequence one taps mostly on hands and face, lightly, using fingertips, once learn sequence can just say 'this feeling' for each point, or learn more detailed ways to word things. Anyway, wishing you the best of luck & flow & hope you (&me too!) feel more comfy and happier.. 💕
I’m hearing so much of her wanting to heal *for others*. I resonate with this. But I think, much like someone in a dependency program, we have to want to do it for ourselves before real genuine progress can happen.
Honestly, after I heard the whole story in the beginning, I thought that she was putting too much blame and responsibility on herself and that her most recent partner has a bunch of issues. If he wants to marry her, that comes with having an ex and especially after 23 years. I feel like it's this guy is gas-lighting himself and her on accident.and without knowing. And she's feeling guilty, anxious, and ashamed. I truly feel he was love bombing. She doesn't realize this now but I bet this guy wouldn't make her too happy either. Choose to find someone who's okay with her having a past and is confident within himself. This recent guy clearly isn't, spiritual teacher or not. To me, whenever a guy pushes for a fast loving relationship, that is a red flag. And he doesn't get what he wants from her, he drops her? That is not marriage material. Lady, if you ever read this, you need to understand your self worth. Work on yourself more, because it is clear with the way this guy was controlling you and the relationship, that you don't have enough self esteem and self love to control your own life and get what you truly want (and if you get to this point one day, you probably won't want this recent guy either).
It's an amazing feeling when your go-to response becomes to put out Love Joy and Happiness to the world. It changes everything. Change the fear for love (providing you are no contact with the evil ones!) and the whole world loves you. I'm older, and not 'pretty', but the moment I channel "Love Joy Happiness" I get it back by the dozen :) I have to say, all the narcissism videos were a huge part of my healing since a nervous breakdown- just knowing that others were going through the same was huge. I am now strong enough that my inner Joy acts like a force field and I watch evil people pick on others in the room, knowing they can't hurt me- it's awesome!
Anna I am so grateful that you found your gift and followed your heart to live it ❤❤ your support, guidance, and encourage are so powerful. I’m crying and laughing at the same time 😂 as I sound a bit like a groupie ❤
Caitlin, your instincts are right. Trust yourself. I think you felt deep down that there was something not right with Mark, he pressured you for too much too soon, had no empathy for your needs but a lot of concern for his own, he guilt tripped you and maybe even gaslighted you. That´s my thoughts while Anna read your letter and I may be wrong, but I do think you did the right thing not to let him condition your life. I wish you a bright future, you are capable of healing and blossom!
It seems like Kaitlin is trying to be vulnerable and honest and perhaps oversharing too much, too soon, which is so common for people trying to be real amd vulnerable with a new partner. It also seems like the new man isnt ready or able to be open minded as his own insecurities and jealousies and perhaps aspirations (house) make it impossible to listen empathetically. I love the advice Anna gives that the approach was sincere and attempting to be ready....you will continue to grow. Lots of self compassion and patience is in order. Sending lots of live and solidarity.
I would love to see a video about healing the freeze response that is just information and doesn't contain a letter. Especially healing the freeze response in relation to career/success. Thanks, Kevin
Me also. I freeze in relationships (never had a real one) and in career (don't pursue advancement, shy away from taking the lead, and consequently I'm underemployed, can't pay my bills, no health insurance, and don't feel challenged or proud of my work). I love these videos.
Omg. Listening to this letter i was judging so hard. She's unwilling to heal, she's incapable of commitment or even thinking straight, she found a man who is far along in his healing and spiritual development but couldnt manage to lift herself up to his level even though he tried to help and coach her, she cant manage to make amends with her mom who's trying to be helpful... shes really having trouble getting over her teenage angst and shes letting it screw up her chances! What a messed up letter writer. Amd what a shame that she lost out on an awakened and secure guy! ....but OH. OUCH. OUCH OUCH the sorrow and horror and shock of listening to your wise reply. Everything seemed so different. And honestly, so much more logical. I couldnt believe i had been judging so much before, that i hadnt seen the boyfriends red flags, that i had unquestioningly assumed that connecting with mom was an ethical duty, that it didnt occur to me how natural and okay it is to not know exactly what you want, but to respond intuitively to subconscious warnings and stirrings even if these cant be explained... I feel ... things. I dont know how i feel. Just so much sadness. If i judged this sweet letter writer and felt she should push herself harder to get with the program for the sake of her family or boyfriend or "getting over it"... and honestly assumed that these opinions were for her own good and reasonable sreps to "healing"... then... how harshly have i been judging myself? And not even been aware of it?
What a phenomenal comment. Your awareness of this just shows a huge step in your own healing. Maybe you were judging yourself before, but now you can recognize when it happens and take steps to be more understanding and kind to yourself.
I 1000x agree with CCF here Caitlin. Shame on your mom for turning her back on you at 15! Mark expected way too much too soon. It took me 5 yrs to be with another man after my 24yr marriage ended with devastating consequences. How could he expect you to be healed in 6 months? He needs to work on his own mindfulness journey. That part is true.
I'm still in the early stages of working through my own traumas and your channel has helped a lot (you generally make me cry at least a little bit with how close to home these hit). I felt such a massive WEIGHT off my shoulders to hear your words "Talking to these people is an option" in regards to the people that traumatized me. The weight of that question, that desire to heal and thought that speaking to those that did these things, was heavy and horrible to consider. Those few sentences told me everything I need to know to drop that question and search for my next workable item
Caitlin. I just want to put my arms around you and hug you. Take the time to heal. You can’t do that if you’re being pressured after only 6 months into this relationship. Mark sounds money and control motivated. Very covert behaviour like someone with narcissism. Your boundaries are being pushed. Mark saw you while you were trying to find yourself. Your uncertainty is your gut instinct. Take care. Put yourself first x ETA I’ve only just realised this video is from a year ago. Hope everything worked out for Caitlin
I wonder how many other women are out there carrying the weight of monumental shame on their backs, from past experiences like Caitlyn's as teenagers, bestowed so generously onto them by people who claim to love them or know what's best for them. The whole part about the mother going so far as to wear funeral garb after declaring this very much alive and sentient human being, this child, "dead to her" just reeks of unnecessary, sadistic drama. I mean, why go to such lengths? It's such disgusting behavior. I feel so bad for Caitlyn and anybody else dealing with stuff like this. It's just so unnecessary.
Wow, this video was an incredibly insightful and empowering look at how to heal from the freeze response! It's clear that so many of us have been conditioned to hide our feelings and emotions, and it was great to see you addressing this topic with such compassion and understanding. I appreciated how you shared your own personal experiences with the freeze response, and it was great to hear about the strategies and techniques you've used to overcome that conditioning and tap into your true feelings and emotions. Your insights about the importance of self-reflection, self-compassion, and mindfulness were incredibly helpful, and it was great to see how those principles can be applied to heal from the freeze response and live a more authentic, fulfilling life. This video is a great resource for anyone who has struggled with the freeze response and is looking for guidance and support on how to break free from that conditioning. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us!
I felt the same; a Red flag ! He is pushing the living together stuff too fast . Again the thing about "letting her go" to make sure she gets back to only think about him . She gets the gut feelings but brushes it off repeatedly, watch out girl, go slow with this man. God bless
Katelyn, it’s tough to separate spirituality in these cases, but if it was a spiritual relationship, I feel like you’d both be vibrating on a more healing and patient level and the guy doesn’t sound like he’s on your level… it may be a karmic bond that is meant to help you grow… I also have a spiritual teacher and frequent an ashram in India and I believe very much in karmic bonds… I also had the deepest love of my life, who was a karmic partner, hurt me more than anyone, but I grew from it…and I believe that the right person will resonate on my frequency… I think you are on the right path and you should be so proud of listening to yourself!!! Good for you!!!
Yeah F that. big ol' red flag there. Who knows want monster may come out once someone gets control over something like that, especially when they're laying on the pressure about it. That's a big NO!
l cant talk/confront my mother about anything. My brother tried once and she stormed out of the room crying and yelling. So, lm not going to bother with anything to do with her. But, l cant even cut them off, she has been there when my relationships have died as a place to stay and money, and transporting me to houses to rent. lm grateful for that, but anything emotional is not there. Any meaningful conversation doesn't exist
The title brought me here. I seem to have been in freeze response based on what I have learned about it. Different circumstances. Greatful for this content. Ready to heal. ❤ ✌️ ☮️ 🕊
Heyheyhello ! So many things in that letter. The most important thing is that "Nobody... Nobody has the power to give you space to heal and grow" you own your space." I'm repeating that "Nobody owns your space and can give it to you to heal... or not" the fairy is talking about power. Where is your power love ?! What place do you give to others ? what place do you have in your own life ? You know a lot, you have the tools available. Nobody says it is going to be easy peasy. Certainly not me, but girl you can do it. Again it is not about others... entierly about others. Take good care of you. Lots of love !
This story is a great example of adoption. Where it’s not about, the child not being wanted. It’s about other circumstances. Grandparents are supposed to be, about unconditional love. To make up for stressed, and distracted parent-s. To Catlin and others, of course you feel guilt, and doubt. But if it means anything, to you. My adopted kids, are the best thing to have happened in my life.
Im learning so much listening to Annas insights. I could never piece my feeling together before or had any words to describe them. I never understood mysel and im 57. I do suffer from the freeze response but wasnt aware thats what it is. I fell out with a life long friend four years ago snd we've never spoken since. I could never fathom out why i froze her out as i knew it was something to do with me as shes never changed. I need to get more clarity over time within in myself as to why i couldn't deal or speak up about what happened between us but im sure listening to Annas videos will slowly give me the insight the more i learn. So grateful to have found this site xx❤❤
It really does sound like she was just naturally driven away and unnattracted by this man due to his lack of self-respect, lack of confidence, being moved emotionally way to easily by her, and his constant seeking of reassurance as if she was his parent, and him wanting to lock her down to a relationship so fast. A woman cannot feel safe enough to want to be in a relationship with all of that. It also seems like she was actually trying to help him be more attractive and healthy by telling him things like she doesn't want to be trapped in a beautiful prison, but he didn't understand that, and he was perturbed yet again. That reminds me of a quote that says, "you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free".
Some really good & valid insights into her situation, but one thing that I wondered about is her financial situation & needs. One different interpretation is that Mark may have intended to help her be a bit more financially stable by offering to buy half of the house. If so, did he offer money? She may have been so vulnerable financially as well as emotionally. That could really influence her choices since it is really difficult to be employed at that age. She really has my sympathy!
I’m really happy to have discovered your method. I wish l could tell you my story but it would take too many words and space. And l’ve never been able to tell it anyway. I’ve been ( struggling) with the Abraham teaching of the law of attraction for about 3 years and although l believe in it’s validity l have run into a big lump of really intense trauma which is really overwhelming and l am feeling exhausted trying to find the path of least resistance which is paradoxical. Thank you l did my first writing of fears and resentment this morning. I have been a meditator since my twenties but l welcome your version although basically no different from ‘mine’. 🙏🇬🇧
Your channel helped me so much to understand the last puzzle piece that was missing. Especially on the part of shutting oneself off, limerence, and putting a word to the condition (CPTSD) (although I think the term without the word 'disorder' would be nicer). I always knew something was strange but it all started with my quest by looking at my life and asking 'how come everyone is married and getting their 2nd, 3rd etc child'. Although this always was and is my biggest wish too, my life isn't at all like that and my partners where toxic and to some extend abusive. There are many great channels talking about Narcissism and it made me understand that I repeated my childhood experience. Even now my mother cannot apologize and doesn't see anything wrong, same with my grandmother. I finally understood that she doesn't love me and never has, all of her past and current behavior speaks for it. I am in my midlife and with a few years left to start a family, I hope that this understanding and healing was the necessary reason that I needed to wait for so long... Thank you for doing what you do, you are amazing! God bless.
"the freeze response shows up as not being able to speak up your ability to express yourself to defend yourself or to run away or say the thing that needs to be said it gets Frozen" - you described my whole emotional life up until now
I think being nice and doing nice things is perfectly okay…..it’s when it’s at your own expense or neglect where it starts be damaging while projecting weakness
Thank you Anna for the inspiration your kind insightful words help put replacing thoughts and coping around trauma. There was a time many years ago when the barrier between what was going on in my head and heart and intentions I was unable to see my own thoughts. I now have no secrets and can see what's going on between my head and heart being in this new state allows me to response with kindness wanting the best for others and I mediation on holyspirt who allows me to serve and be intentionally positive God bless you anna
And not being able to see my own inner world makes a person dangerous and a reaction even with violence flight or fight or like this video freeze being able to be calm and thoughtful with the holyspirt I never been normal but I'm focusing on the answer not the problem I've been texting my friends positive messages so although face to face stirs up triggers I can look back on a positive feed it's becoming real if I can switch off super alertness and slow down God bless you Anna for your work
Another great video, thank you Caitlyn for the letter and Anna for the amazing kind and gentle yet insightful response full of spot on discernment. I'm sorry to use this space for this, I was wondering if anyone lives in Abu Dhabi or Dubai? I moved here recently and there are no ACA meetings here and I would love to connect with someone from a community such as this one. Thank you for everything Anna. You are the reason I started on my cptsd recovery, EMDR, neurofeedback, ACA... Thank you ❤❤❤
The woman who wrote the letter has not even begun to heal and is fooling herself by thinking that she can love someone at this stage. She has to face and be able to articulate her past. Her new love wanted a deep, committed relationship in a very short amount of time was just another CPTSD.
This video was an incredibly powerful and insightful exploration of the freeze response and how we can work to heal and overcome it. It's clear that many people struggle with this issue, and it was great to see you addressing it with such depth and nuance. I appreciated how you delved into the science behind the freeze response and its potential causes, and it was great to hear about the different strategies and techniques we can use to overcome this challenge and live more fully in the present moment. Your insights about the importance of self-awareness, mindfulness, and self-compassion were incredibly helpful, and it was great to see how those principles can help us to heal from the freeze response and live more fulfilling lives. This video is a great resource for anyone who is struggling with the freeze response and looking for guidance and support on how to work through this challenge. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us!
this is THE most powerfully nourishing video-on tracking from aim to go well of giving love..c/kaitlin trully deserves the best beholden of relationship-being of have one,,very slowly i soo sensate the thorough fare helping my own nervous system hearing your unpack of details about c/kaitlin. thank you anna! 'toxic parenting..idk how to reclaim from that, but i surely want to
"...Well Welcome to the World!!" XD ^^^ I laugh now, but honestly? that statement, just helped to confirm so much healing about having went to far too fast when we were younger, and bearing the shame of that for SO LONG... It's wise to teach your children a good way to live and be, but... there has to be room for them to be humans that make mistakes and their own choices and know that as a parent they can come to you and KNOW you will be there. I can't tell you how many instances I've actually learned so much faster, when I had people in my life tell me that they were on my side regardless to support ME even if they didn't agree with all my choices. It's so wonderful to be able to grow and find healing in this way, and just an extra dose of healing to hear that same wisdom echoed back to you by the lovely and incredible Crappy Childhood Fairy in her humorous and kind way. Thank you Anna
Wow! Caitlin, I hope you are done w Mark! He seems to be rushing you, then blaming you for not being what he wants. I hope you can continue to heal, and not pursue a relationship now. Good for you to stand firm, and telling him where You are. Rest, be at peace.
To be honest, it seems like Mark was being incredibly manipulative. Rushing the relationship to that extent and pushing his agenda without regard to Caitlin's needs and her situation, without empathy and understanding and respecting her need to proceed slowly. Especially trying to push moving in together with her and stipulating co-ownership of her house. It seems like he was guilt tripping her with his emotional reactions as well, such as when he was insinuating that he hadn't cried in years but now, because of her, this is breaking his heart and how he doesn't feel important to her. He is pushing that on her, subtly making her responsible instead of handling his emotions himself and expressing them honestly. At the very least, he is self-absorbed and largely concerned with his own needs and perception, at worst he is narcissistic and using his knowledge of mindfulness to manipulate her perception and seeing her vulnerability and gaslighting her. So many of her anxiety responses register to me as though she is reacting to being pushed and is receiving the red flags on somewhat of a conscious level, but not being able to readily perceive the warning within her body and second-guessing herself when she reacts. I have been there, myself, and I understand how that happens and I feel for her situation and her pain and sense of shame. You have no reason to feel ashamed, Caitlin. You deserve to listen to your needs and have people in your life that respect you and are willing to go at your pace, especially when you are raw and vulnerable, honor your needs and listen to you, without pressuring you or guilting you.
Love you dearly. You have helped me so much. To be honest I don’t get anything from lengthy letters from other people who’s circumstances don’t relate to mine. Respond to them, not me. Offered in love
Such a red flag for the guy Caitlin is seeing. I hope she know she can be without him.. I know it hurts.. But having a wrong, destructive partner is worse. Im having flashbacks such hearing the things he's telling Caitlin
I tried confronting my mom about my abuse and neglect too Anna, and it was like a dormant nuclear bomb going off inside of her. Sometimes it’s best to leave sleeping dogs lie. Sometimes your family lets you down but luckily we can pick the other people we have in our lives.
The thing is, they know how to pull back when in public. Too bad the children of narcs do NOT know that they are supposed to pull it back. The children think acting like a narcissist is normal. And the damage from that is tremendous. Not only are they being emotionally abused by the narcissist, they are getting push-back in all social settings because they look like, and carry the weight of a narcissist. How we live long enough to unravel it is a miracle.
Great letter response. Yeah this guy does not sound healthy. She owns her need to heal but he doesn’t. His general vibe of pressuring her and trying to change her, rather than accepting more immediately that there’s simply incompatibility and there not needing to be blame in that speaks to attachment issues. You can hear he’s trying to fix her or morph her into what he wants which is a very inappropriate approach, especially for a person you’ve known for a short time. And his neediness in wanting to be the center of her attention despite everything she’s going through and her other commitments seriously lacks empathy. And his wanting her to be immediately committed and sure about the relationship is inappropriate. I get how it can hurt when someone your dating says they’re still testing the waters but for someone coming from divorce and after only a few months, it is to be expected! It’s also such a thing for CPTSD survivors to think of others’ needs but not validate their own as equally worthy. He’s basically saying be what I want and I’ll love you and she’s fallen into that. But does she really want what he’s asking for herself? And that “I love you if” thing is also so terrible for childhood trauma survivors because they don’t realize there shouldn’t be an “if”, or a series of hoops to jump through, or service you have to give someone to be worthy. You should be loved for who you are. I also just want to say that listening to stories of people who feel chronically unloved and unvalued makes me feel less alone. When it’s someone else saying these things, especially hearing how they tell their stories, I never believe it and just want to wrap them in a hug. Sometimes it’s a struggle to be social and find the right people around us, and especially if our family wasn’t there for us, that can give us the message that being alone is the same thing as not having value. But it’s not true.
Thank you so much for this comment. It IS such a struggle to be social and interact with a ton with people when we (people with trauma) often feel like we are walking underwater all day - and it's exhausting. To you and anyone who needs more camaraderie, please consider the CCF membership. We have zoom meetings every day, often at 3 or 4 different times from California to Norway :) bit.ly/CCF-Membership -Cara@TeamFairy
Okay, only 11 minutes in and I hear a LOT of complex rationalizations around simple things - you can't change Mom or get any satisfaction from her around old wounds, Mark isn't a therapeutic genius and just wants to live at your house, and you've hit 50 w/o finding true love and what the hell are you supposed to do to make your dreams come true now? (I'm 62, I know very well how tough this all is.) So, skipping forward to see what Miss Anna says...
"you can't change Mom or get any satisfaction from her around old wounds"...ain't that the truth. My experience as well. If they were gonna apologize and recognize such harm, they would not need us to say something to them. They'd have self-reflected and come to us with the apology. And in some cases, they would've never behaved that way in the first place if they even cared.
Beware, he wants the house! He is applying emotional manipulation, and playing on any toxicity, and uncertainty. She just need some space, of course. He doesn't want to give her any space, tell him back it up Speed Racer. If he continues to be insulted, tell him to take a hike, and shove off.
the entire time this Mark guy felt like he is grooming you for some cult... he does this push pull thing and guilt trips you and to own half of your house?! thats what cults do and he basically did that in the hardest of your times yet he demanded you be present when you clearly couldn't be! I hope you left and never returned!
I notice most people talk about dysregulated nervous system being caused from childhood but mine's isn't.. I had a great childhood. However I was with a narcissist for 12 years
Complex PTSD can come from extended trauma during any phase of life. Symptoms are similar but there are some differences with trauma with childhood. On this channel though we are focused on the symptoms of childhood trauma, but many people with adult-onset trauma enjoy working on their symptoms with us!
![I.N "HALLUCINATION" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/n5B5q1Hwt_U/mqdefault.jpg)
I have been working on myself for a long time, and I've healed a lot. But there was always something that eluded my best efforts to improve. Your videos have been like the missing pieces of the puzzle. I realized I don't freeze up like I used to. But there are times I still do--usually when it involves me doing something or making a decision as a responsible adult. It's then I shut down and wait for someone to come in and take care of things for me. And, of course, no one does, so eventually I have to force myself to act.
Can totally RELATE 😢
❤ 😊 *** Thank you 😊 🙏 ☺ ❤ 😘 😅 for your most Wonderful 👏 ❤ 💖 Enlightening * Educational * Informative Video 📹 ♥! It is doing me much GOOD.
❤ 😊 *** C'est la vie ♥ * 😊 * this is the Way of 😊 Life 😊!
Have you ever been able to meditator at all? Like, can your mind be completely still for more than say 30 seconds, without dozing off, or getting distracted?
This is it
Caitlin, if a guy is asking for half your house before he has asked you yo marry him that is a HUGE flaming red flag.
This is still such a big problem, when mental health workers tell people to talk and try to heal the toxic relationships with their parents when it's the most damaging and triggering experience. My therapist shamed me for being done with my mother. Like I was the one who went too far after she emotionally abused me all my life at every chance she got. I love reading Alice Miller, she gave me the freedom to say my parents are the worst and I don't need to carry any of the shame or guilt because it's not mine.
I notice the mental health workers, you talk about in this context, are often victims of abuse themselves and have had rose colored lenses to view their abuse as something else like a hurdle that can be jumped over. But constant hurdles. They intellectualize their own abuse so they are removed and seek other victims that are like them and then just shame them. There's cognitive dissonance.
Yeah for real. Facing someone who hurt me and telling them how I felt / explaining the damage they have done has literally never turned out well. It just causes drama 2.0 and then you have to comfort them all over again to protect their feelings. 😑 and they usually go tell everyone in the family how dramatic you are. Its almost more traumatizing then the original experience.
@@lavd7932 my mother always has and still does talk shit about me behind my back to my relatives, playing the victim. Like what kind of person does that, plus it's such a deep betrayal, a good parent would never do that to their children. So more people can shame and guilt-trip you. It's sick.
@@ilikemaline I can relate, I’m so sorry. It’s a terrible thing to try and process, why the person who should’ve loved us the most causes us the most pain. 💔
@@lavd7932 I'm sorry you can relate.💔 It took me years of therapy to get over that, I don't consider my mother as part of my life anymore and I am so much better of for it. I still have lots of work to do because of all the trauma I have mostly because of her but all I can do is be patient and kind to myself. I do what is good for me and put myself first.
One of the most damaging side effects of CPTSD is that, while we're identifying and healing our past traumas, we are blind to the vertitable stadiums full of red flags others are waving. Mark has his own issues! Wishing you the best, Caitlin. You've come so far, and you deserve peace and happiness!
Agreed!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yep l have stadiums. lm still doing stupid things, and lm almost 60. A while ago l did something l never ever thought l'd do. What is happening to me?
In short... you are healthier than this Mark fellow... "mi casa es NOT su casa" in this case! You dodged a bullet! Bye Mark. Caitlin deserves so much more!
OK, but the one who doesn't feel ready for new relationship should communicate that before getting involved with a new person. So that the knew person knows about it and can decide, If he/she wants to start the fling thing or better look for another Person that's free.
Im so tired of not being myself of just hiding and not speaking what i think even if it causes problems. Im so tired.
The writer has every right in the world to just live her life now for some years, without any marc, bob or joe inteferring with her healing, get half of her house or trying to nail her down and pressure her into the second marriage. It is soooo lovely to learn: I can be on my own! I am allowed to be my own person!! Finally I can be free as a bird !! Really it sounds like it's time for that. 💚
Love this. Fiction bearing fact, lol! You rock.
God, Caitlin, PLEASE don’t put him on the title of your house! It’s WAY too soon, and there is something that feels very off. Please err on the side of caution here. ❤
Yeah that sent up a red flag for me. And so did what he said to her when it came to the issues with her mother. Like he went into therapist mode. I don't think I could date a therapist.
@@wordivore Totally agree. One of my best friends became a therapist, and it became tedious when she began analysing virtually everything I said. There is something off with this dude.
I felt the same. Six months into a relationship? It appears as if he was rushing in and acting all nice before he shows his true colors. Interesting that he misinterpreted her words when she mentioned the „prison“. Could it be that he heard that before and therefore „flipped“? I would run for my life from this man. She deserves better. All the best!! ❤
yes, it comes off like he's in the relationship for his own financial interest. Huge red flag.
For sure, set theman free of your selfish selfishness. He is a human being, not a thing to be used.
Feels like Mark is rushing into this relationship, not sure if he is wounded or just manipulative and controlling. If she gives herself enough time, I believe she will be able to move past him.
Its because he is anxious. Read my comment and search from youtube anxious avoidant trap. He isnt the bad guy here but he has his own wounds. Both of them has their wounds. Very easy to understand when you look coach Craig Kenneth work. He talks a lot about this attachment style thing.
Aproach avoidant attachment style creates intermitent reinforcement and then trauma bonding.
@@neagualinnarcis3423 yes, exactly Mark was getting hurt here. So he was trying to get Security. I would bet according to fairy response she is also avoidant thats why she can only relate to her experience. If she took the test I think she would get the avoidant attachment style result.
@@Humanoice too often it is a "dance macabre"
@@neagualinnarcis3423 Yeah sadly I know that by experience.😕
A cautionary tale. 😮 I'm 51 and I don't think I'll ever date again after hearing stories like this. Thank you for being vulnerable.
20yrs Single...I'll be going really slow...12month Friendship First...then very slow Courtship if still interested. ❤
I too was abandoned, forgotten, isolated, lied on,plotted on etc...
I just stay to myself now, because from my experience, people only wait to hurt me. My trust has been trampled more than too many times and I have to accept the things I can not change. But I don't have to put myself in harms way either. You take care ma'am.
I feel the Whole World 🌍 is Scapegoating me...
@@SurferChick11💯 %
Mark triggered a flight response when he suggested moving in together and getting half of her house. It’s so far in the extreme for a six month period, especially coming out of an abusive relationship, but then to want to run off and join an ashram is a huge and extreme reaction. It’s escapism. It is trauma-based dysregulation. But completely understandable considering
I also think her saying that was an indirect way of telling him to “back off!”
I may have said things like that before myself as an unplanned knee jerk response and a form of protection in the moment.
I do that a lot. It's from being systematically tortured with sleep deprivation. "Deer in the headlights" and can't even think how to respond, even when there's no imminent danger.
Flat Affect...Years go by & I'm still sitting here trying to clean the 🏡 so I can try & get outta the 🏡 & get a Routine like Swimming & attending Church but there's just too many Antagonists when I do get out of the 🏡
Caitlyn, I’m happy you wrote to Anna about your situation. It’s so valuable for anyone listening to hear her insightful, kind, and steady guidance ❤
Nothing worse than having someone come into your life and tell you how you should handle the relationship with your shitty parents. It’s just continued gaslighting. I hate dating for this reason. I feel intense pressure to explain why I don’t talk to my family to someone who can never understand. I feel judged and like I’ll never be able to connect with anyone because of this.
I also don’t talk to some members of my family (father included) but most friends I’ve had have been understanding. I wouldn’t give up hope. I think anyone logical can understand that just because they’re family doesn’t mean they’re not abusive or toxic to you.
If they don’t understand or shame you, it’s a “they problem” not a “you problem”
I had a shrink blaming my "mental illness" on my father who was now dead. Behavior is LEARNED, NOT INHERITED. My narc "mother" was never blamed or examined and got away with all the massive abuses she inflicted on my dad and I through the years. A real Covert sneaky lying, cheating and stealing bitch!!!!!👿👿👿👿👿
❤❤❤
There are lots of people who have this also, who will understand. Also, if ever you meet someone who understands even though it isn't their experience, you will know that this person may be good to have a relationship with because they have empathy. Don't give up, just up your standards. You deserve someone who understands and supports you.
As my MiL says: “when men are older, they’re looking for a nurse or a purse”
a nurse WITH a purse
Lol 😂
Are you OK? She doesn’t sound like she makes life easy. And she raised your spouse?? 👁️👄👁️
not looking for either. I just need a rock. A big rock. So I can crawl under it and rest. Everything about this life exhausts me. I need a break. A long break.
@@lkd06😂😂😂
I’ve heard the freeze response described as “waiting for an adult to show up”. Ouch.
I got Pete Walker’s book on CPTSD because of you and I wholeheartedly related to the Freeze type, when it said “the lost child” oof. I took the brunt of my dads abusive because my sisters had friends and would just stay out of the house but I was too young to at the height of my dads alcoholism. My needs have never been validated and I finally have grown enough to know they should be. My current boyfriend much like my ex sounds a lot like this guy. So many unreasonable expectations, so fast. My boyfriend feels hurt that I don’t want to move in with him, and he’s been feeling that way for months! Then he starts berating me about how I’m not as into him as he’s into me. I have absolutely exploded at him at times because I feel so disrespected, but then of course I’m staying because of my abandonment melange. This was very affirming for me to watch - to know that I have every right to move slowly and cautiously, and if that makes him insecure, so be it. That doesn’t mean I’m intentionally hurting him or doing anything wrong.
Nothing worse the sulky guys!
Hii
I really recommend the book How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk too. The author goes into why the best and most healthy relationships come out of people moving slowly and not just idealizing each other. Great book for insecure attachments that’s really helped me stop being the one who wants to dive into things.
Oh wow, hmm. Have you expressed your own expectations when it comes to moving in (if you even do that)?
Katelyn -I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but congrats for listening to yourself so you can heal.
Sending hugs.😊
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
When the right video comes up at the right moment without looking for it. Always on point, like you were talking to me, saying exactly what I need to hear, here and now.. Thank you dear Anna!! I've got flew and I'm lying in my old bed with fever (during a temporary visit to my parents), feeling like I'm purging all unsaid, repressed emotions. I was keeping my headphones on when I tried to hug my father that just prepared me a cup of tea, after some weeks of hot and cold war (he's 68 yo). He asked me something that I didn't hear and then, with his passive aggressive style, said " remove your headphone... you're not going to become a musician!". I immediately got triggered and I answered very badly smth like " I have enough of this kind of bsh.." Now, I've studied music for 12 years in the past (cello) but I left when I turned 18 (and now I sing, so technically I am and will always be a musician!). I wanted to sing and he kept forcing me with something I didn't want just because " I was talented and too young to discern what was right for me". For years my solar plexus was aching right before class, I learned how to systematically freeze is this kind of situation and now I have CFS. I know my parents tried to do their best within the given circumstances (we left a war zone when I was 7) and they made lots of sacrifices for my little sister and me (we turned than parentified children), but all the suppressed anger, the self-sabotage dynamics, the sadness and the full package, it's making me to getting triggered, to over-react and feeling full of guilt that I somaticize by getting sick and sabotaging my projects. This video gave me the understanding and the comfort I needed right now.
Exactly!! Today I felt like I was stuck in freeze mode and this video pops up on my timeline
Stay well and sing your heart out! You might want to check out third culture children for more clarity. Your dad displays like a very experienced rude controlling man.
@@loli3939 Thank you. He's been quite controlling indeed. In his heart I've always been his only, trusted source of pure love (he lost his mother at 5), but he's not a rude man and have great qualities. Since I've been living in another country last 10 years, my current stay has triggered his abandonment wound and he reacts like a baby sometimes..but I'm done with that vicious circle. That's why I react brutally when he tries to manipulate in order to have my attention and affection. I'm quite familiar and educated about second generation of migrants challenges. It has been extremely difficult to deal with that burden alone since where I grew up there was no adequate support and the issues were not even known. This could be an interesting topic to address in Anna's videos : mental health issues of second generations. 🙂 Ps: Speaking my truth has progressively opened my throat chakra and I'm singing as much as I can. It's interesting it's happening where once it was almost forbidden : at my parent's house. They accept it now.
My mom was pregnant with me when she was 14 with me and my dad was 17 and went into the military. He was in basic training when I was born. My mom went through the same situation. My dad ended up with custody with me. I forgave my mom cause I know it wasn't her fault she was so young and powerless and my dad was stronger because the military shaped him. That's why I have CPTSD cause I was raised as if I was in the military and was hard on me . I didn't have the proper childhood.. But it did give me a great work ethic and mad me strong and be able to overcome and adapt.. Overcome and adapt was drilled into me. I have gone from homeless to making 70.000 a year several times.. I know this story from experience. Thank you for sharing. ❤❤❤❤
Thank YOU for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Don't bother confronting your mother. It will only lead to more pain for you. Thank you for writing in Kathlyn..
My experience as well!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna, you're wonderful. Spotting false guilt is a rare skill.
I think she has had a close call with another narcissist. Maybe he will come back and keep gaslighting her. I hope not
I asked myself, if what she said (and "destroyed" the new relationship) was part of her protection-system and not so bad after all. She was not ready and had doubts from the start. She couldn´t act according to her real truth at that point, but her deeper system said "no" to this guy.... Best wishes for Caitlin!
A big thing that I notice about myself when in romantic relationships is that I tend to always assume they are right and then in the back of my mind there's a fight going on and this sometimes causes me to behave in a back and forth way with the person which then usually makes them become less trusting, and when I look back on the relationship, I do not give any value to my feelings, I am so busy trying to make myself perfect for them that I devalue my own intuition, but usually looking back had I trusted my feelings and I had I known and prioritized my own values more, I would have known from the first date that we weren't properly matched ;) learning to love myself and not be afraid of being alone helps too!
For example, there's nothing wrong with you if you do not want to rush into a relationship with someone! These are feelings we must pay attention to! They are showing us how our values and needs differ from the other person's, and if we continue the relationship without contemplating this and asking ourselves why we are willing to overlook something that our own bodies are telling us isn't what we need or value, we are walking that line of entering into a toxic relationship. That's the wisdom of being in enough toxic relationships! ;)
I’d love another video that focuses on how to come out of a chronic freeze response. This one has some unique insights about how freeze can express itself. I appreciate your attention to the letter writer. Can you make some general comments about freeze that might apply to more people in other situations? I also appreciate others comments about Pete Walkers book which is a great resource on this issue
Wow sounds like Marks wounds are coming up….he’s obviously not being very helpful or understanding as he’s in mental health. He sounds like it’s ALL ABOUT HIM and he doesn’t care at all about her Healing… walk away Girl….rejection os PROTECTION…. Focus on You and Heal in peace, not with some self centered man making you, once again, feel like it’s all you…IT IS NOT….YOU ARE A A BEAUTIFUL SOUL FINDING HER WAY….Much Love and Many Blessings
I've created the fifth F. It's EFFIN hard when trying to clean up the mess I've created. Trying to dig out, but looming time frames cause the worst anxiety and the desire to numb is greater than ever.
It's EFFIN hard to get better when help is expensive, long term, and hard as hell when worrying about how much we have already hurt family, worried about the eviction notice, worry about the issues innocent children are paying for, and 8 million other things.
@Britney H ~ big hugs to you, yes indeed EFFIN hard.. Relating to your descriptions.. Obviously the Daily Practice as Anna teaches is a place to start, and it's free, tho requires a degree of calm & focus & discipline that I haven't managed to muster yet. Wondering if you've tried Tapping, aka EFT, it just came back onto my radar, there are free ways to learn, & apps etc, can do simply and quickly, 'on the hoof', & teach children too so they can do with you or for themselves when they need, apparently some police forces teach their people to use it, to better process & cope with the traumas they encounter. Britney Watkins teaches this to help people overcome emotional eating & to lose weight & get all aspects of their lives back on track / upgraded.. It can be used for anything, is based on acupuncture meridian points, ancient well-proven knowledge, and there's a sequence one taps mostly on hands and face, lightly, using fingertips, once learn sequence can just say 'this feeling' for each point, or learn more detailed ways to word things.
Anyway, wishing you the best of luck & flow & hope you (&me too!) feel more comfy and happier.. 💕
Whoa I think her freeze response got triggered because this guy is bad news.
I’m hearing so much of her wanting to heal *for others*. I resonate with this. But I think, much like someone in a dependency program, we have to want to do it for ourselves before real genuine progress can happen.
Honestly, after I heard the whole story in the beginning, I thought that she was putting too much blame and responsibility on herself and that her most recent partner has a bunch of issues. If he wants to marry her, that comes with having an ex and especially after 23 years. I feel like it's this guy is gas-lighting himself and her on accident.and without knowing. And she's feeling guilty, anxious, and ashamed. I truly feel he was love bombing. She doesn't realize this now but I bet this guy wouldn't make her too happy either. Choose to find someone who's okay with her having a past and is confident within himself. This recent guy clearly isn't, spiritual teacher or not. To me, whenever a guy pushes for a fast loving relationship, that is a red flag. And he doesn't get what he wants from her, he drops her? That is not marriage material. Lady, if you ever read this, you need to understand your self worth. Work on yourself more, because it is clear with the way this guy was controlling you and the relationship, that you don't have enough self esteem and self love to control your own life and get what you truly want (and if you get to this point one day, you probably won't want this recent guy either).
You just nailed it!
It's an amazing feeling when your go-to response becomes to put out Love Joy and Happiness to the world. It changes everything. Change the fear for love (providing you are no contact with the evil ones!) and the whole world loves you. I'm older, and not 'pretty', but the moment I channel "Love Joy Happiness" I get it back by the dozen :)
I have to say, all the narcissism videos were a huge part of my healing since a nervous breakdown- just knowing that others were going through the same was huge. I am now strong enough that my inner Joy acts like a force field and I watch evil people pick on others in the room, knowing they can't hurt me- it's awesome!
Beautiful :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna I am so grateful that you found your gift and followed your heart to live it ❤❤ your support, guidance, and encourage are so powerful. I’m crying and laughing at the same time 😂 as I sound a bit like a groupie ❤
Caitlin, your instincts are right. Trust yourself. I think you felt deep down that there was something not right with Mark, he pressured you for too much too soon, had no empathy for your needs but a lot of concern for his own, he guilt tripped you and maybe even gaslighted you. That´s my thoughts while Anna read your letter and I may be wrong, but I do think you did the right thing not to let him condition your life. I wish you a bright future, you are capable of healing and blossom!
Very well said.
I feel stuck, hopeless and isolated. Overall it's this sense of wasting my life, when I'm full of life inside me!!!
We understand as few others can, you're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
It seems like Kaitlin is trying to be vulnerable and honest and perhaps oversharing too much, too soon, which is so common for people trying to be real amd vulnerable with a new partner. It also seems like the new man isnt ready or able to be open minded as his own insecurities and jealousies and perhaps aspirations (house) make it impossible to listen empathetically.
I love the advice Anna gives that the approach was sincere and attempting to be ready....you will continue to grow. Lots of self compassion and patience is in order.
Sending lots of live and solidarity.
Anna, You’re so considerate, your words heal people, all of your words and videos are so supporting.
I've been the person who has fallen in love with someone that isn't over their ex. IT SUCKS!!
I would love to see a video about healing the freeze response that is just information and doesn't contain a letter. Especially healing the freeze response in relation to career/success. Thanks, Kevin
Me too, I would appreciate such a video
Me also. I freeze in relationships (never had a real one) and in career (don't pursue advancement, shy away from taking the lead, and consequently I'm underemployed, can't pay my bills, no health insurance, and don't feel challenged or proud of my work). I love these videos.
Omg. Listening to this letter i was judging so hard. She's unwilling to heal, she's incapable of commitment or even thinking straight, she found a man who is far along in his healing and spiritual development but couldnt manage to lift herself up to his level even though he tried to help and coach her, she cant manage to make amends with her mom who's trying to be helpful... shes really having trouble getting over her teenage angst and shes letting it screw up her chances! What a messed up letter writer. Amd what a shame that she lost out on an awakened and secure guy!
....but OH. OUCH. OUCH OUCH the sorrow and horror and shock of listening to your wise reply. Everything seemed so different. And honestly, so much more logical. I couldnt believe i had been judging so much before, that i hadnt seen the boyfriends red flags, that i had unquestioningly assumed that connecting with mom was an ethical duty, that it didnt occur to me how natural and okay it is to not know exactly what you want, but to respond intuitively to subconscious warnings and stirrings even if these cant be explained...
I feel ... things. I dont know how i feel. Just so much sadness. If i judged this sweet letter writer and felt she should push herself harder to get with the program for the sake of her family or boyfriend or "getting over it"... and honestly assumed that these opinions were for her own good and reasonable sreps to "healing"... then... how harshly have i been judging myself? And not even been aware of it?
What a phenomenal comment. Your awareness of this just shows a huge step in your own healing. Maybe you were judging yourself before, but now you can recognize when it happens and take steps to be more understanding and kind to yourself.
I 1000x agree with CCF here Caitlin. Shame on your mom for turning her back on you at 15! Mark expected way too much too soon. It took me 5 yrs to be with another man after my 24yr marriage ended with devastating consequences. How could he expect you to be healed in 6 months? He needs to work on his own mindfulness journey. That part is true.
Thanks for addressing the freeze response. I really appreciate the mention of the blurting out prior to the freeze.
I'm still in the early stages of working through my own traumas and your channel has helped a lot (you generally make me cry at least a little bit with how close to home these hit).
I felt such a massive WEIGHT off my shoulders to hear your words "Talking to these people is an option" in regards to the people that traumatized me. The weight of that question, that desire to heal and thought that speaking to those that did these things, was heavy and horrible to consider. Those few sentences told me everything I need to know to drop that question and search for my next workable item
Caitlin. I just want to put my arms around you and hug you. Take the time to heal. You can’t do that if you’re being pressured after only 6 months into this relationship. Mark sounds money and control motivated. Very covert behaviour like someone with narcissism. Your boundaries are being pushed. Mark saw you while you were trying to find yourself. Your uncertainty is your gut instinct. Take care. Put yourself first x ETA I’ve only just realised this video is from a year ago. Hope everything worked out for Caitlin
Oh wow, he wants to "co own" your house. This should be an on the spot relationship ender. This is just a romance scam!
Totally agree! She needs to run!
Thank God Anna is on the case, both the mother and boyfriend sounded so emotionally manipulative!
I wonder how many other women are out there carrying the weight of monumental shame on their backs, from past experiences like Caitlyn's as teenagers, bestowed so generously onto them by people who claim to love them or know what's best for them. The whole part about the mother going so far as to wear funeral garb after declaring this very much alive and sentient human being, this child, "dead to her" just reeks of unnecessary, sadistic drama. I mean, why go to such lengths? It's such disgusting behavior. I feel so bad for Caitlyn and anybody else dealing with stuff like this. It's just so unnecessary.
The Freeze Response sounds a lot like how I respond/react.
Wow, this video was an incredibly insightful and empowering look at how to heal from the freeze response! It's clear that so many of us have been conditioned to hide our feelings and emotions, and it was great to see you addressing this topic with such compassion and understanding. I appreciated how you shared your own personal experiences with the freeze response, and it was great to hear about the strategies and techniques you've used to overcome that conditioning and tap into your true feelings and emotions. Your insights about the importance of self-reflection, self-compassion, and mindfulness were incredibly helpful, and it was great to see how those principles can be applied to heal from the freeze response and live a more authentic, fulfilling life. This video is a great resource for anyone who has struggled with the freeze response and is looking for guidance and support on how to break free from that conditioning. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us!
I felt the same; a Red flag ! He is pushing the living together stuff too fast . Again the thing about "letting her go" to make sure she gets back to only think about him . She gets the gut feelings but brushes it off repeatedly, watch out girl, go slow with this man. God bless
29:11 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 VERY well said Dr. Fairy 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Katelyn, it’s tough to separate spirituality in these cases, but if it was a spiritual relationship, I feel like you’d both be vibrating on a more healing and patient level and the guy doesn’t sound like he’s on your level… it may be a karmic bond that is meant to help you grow… I also have a spiritual teacher and frequent an ashram in India and I believe very much in karmic bonds… I also had the deepest love of my life, who was a karmic partner, hurt me more than anyone, but I grew from it…and I believe that the right person will resonate on my frequency… I think you are on the right path and you should be so proud of listening to yourself!!! Good for you!!!
I spent so much of my life in each mode.
Boy are you gentle, loving and kind.
I need to see somebody in person that helps me out of this state of mind. I'm ready to work on it!
Yup..."co-owners of her house"? I guess Mark is a renter. Humm...his networth increases fast; even if they should breakup.
Yeah F that. big ol' red flag there. Who knows want monster may come out once someone gets control over something like that, especially when they're laying on the pressure about it. That's a big NO!
l cant talk/confront my mother about anything. My brother tried once and she stormed out of the room crying and yelling. So, lm not going to bother with anything to do with her. But, l cant even cut them off, she has been there when my relationships have died as a place to stay and money, and transporting me to houses to rent. lm grateful for that, but anything emotional is not there. Any meaningful conversation doesn't exist
We completely understand, you're in the right place. -Calista@TeamFairy
Your assessment of this is so clear and wonderful. Thank you for making sense.
27:00 In order to heal, you must confront: not true. And people who haven't been through that kind of trauma don't get that. THANK YOU!
The title brought me here. I seem to have been in freeze response based on what I have learned about it. Different circumstances. Greatful for this content. Ready to heal. ❤ ✌️ ☮️ 🕊
Glad you are here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Heyheyhello !
So many things in that letter. The most important thing is that "Nobody... Nobody has the power to give you space to heal and grow" you own your space." I'm repeating that "Nobody owns your space and can give it to you to heal... or not" the fairy is talking about power. Where is your power love ?! What place do you give to others ? what place do you have in your own life ? You know a lot, you have the tools available. Nobody says it is going to be easy peasy. Certainly not me, but girl you can do it. Again it is not about others... entierly about others. Take good care of you.
Lots of love !
Thank you for sending the encouragement!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You're welcome. Thank you to the Fairy team and to Anna. That is a very good channel. Thanks a lot.
All the best.
This story is a great example of adoption.
Where it’s not about, the child not being wanted. It’s about other circumstances. Grandparents are supposed to be, about unconditional love. To make up for stressed, and distracted parent-s.
To Catlin and others, of course you feel guilt, and doubt. But if it means anything, to you. My adopted kids, are the best thing to have happened in my life.
Im learning so much listening to Annas insights. I could never piece my feeling together before or had any words to describe them. I never understood mysel and im 57. I do suffer from the freeze response but wasnt aware thats what it is. I fell out with a life long friend four years ago snd we've never spoken since. I could never fathom out why i froze her out as i knew it was something to do with me as shes never changed. I need to get more clarity over time within in myself as to why i couldn't deal or speak up about what happened between us but im sure listening to Annas videos will slowly give me the insight the more i learn. So grateful to have found this site xx❤❤
So glad that you found this channel :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I definitely freeze up in the face of trouble! I once was in a very toxic work situation and rather than speaking up for myself , I froze up.
It really does sound like she was just naturally driven away and unnattracted by this man due to his lack of self-respect, lack of confidence, being moved emotionally way to easily by her, and his constant seeking of reassurance as if she was his parent, and him wanting to lock her down to a relationship so fast. A woman cannot feel safe enough to want to be in a relationship with all of that. It also seems like she was actually trying to help him be more attractive and healthy by telling him things like she doesn't want to be trapped in a beautiful prison, but he didn't understand that, and he was perturbed yet again.
That reminds me of a quote that says, "you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free".
Some really good & valid insights into her situation, but one thing that I wondered about is her financial situation & needs. One different interpretation is that Mark may have intended to help her be a bit more financially stable by offering to buy half of the house. If so, did he offer money? She may have been so vulnerable financially as well as emotionally. That could really influence her choices since it is really difficult to be employed at that age. She really has my sympathy!
I’m really happy to have discovered your method. I wish l could tell you my story but it would take too many words and space. And l’ve never been able to tell it anyway. I’ve been ( struggling) with the Abraham teaching of the law of attraction for about 3 years and although l believe in it’s validity l have run into a big lump of really intense trauma which is really overwhelming and l am feeling exhausted trying to find the path of least resistance which is paradoxical. Thank you l did my first writing of fears and resentment this morning. I have been a meditator since my twenties but l welcome your version although basically no different from ‘mine’. 🙏🇬🇧
Your channel helped me so much to understand the last puzzle piece that was missing. Especially on the part of shutting oneself off, limerence, and putting a word to the condition (CPTSD) (although I think the term without the word 'disorder' would be nicer). I always knew something was strange but it all started with my quest by looking at my life and asking 'how come everyone is married and getting their 2nd, 3rd etc child'. Although this always was and is my biggest wish too, my life isn't at all like that and my partners where toxic and to some extend abusive. There are many great channels talking about Narcissism and it made me understand that I repeated my childhood experience. Even now my mother cannot apologize and doesn't see anything wrong, same with my grandmother. I finally understood that she doesn't love me and never has, all of her past and current behavior speaks for it. I am in my midlife and with a few years left to start a family, I hope that this understanding and healing was the necessary reason that I needed to wait for so long... Thank you for doing what you do, you are amazing! God bless.
"the freeze response shows up as not being able to speak up your ability to express yourself to defend yourself or to run away or say the thing that needs to be said it gets Frozen" - you described my whole emotional life up until now
I think being nice and doing nice things is perfectly okay…..it’s when it’s at your own expense or neglect where it starts be damaging while projecting weakness
You are such a blessing to all of our lives 🙏 thank you miss Anna!
Thank you Anna for the inspiration your kind insightful words help put replacing thoughts and coping around trauma. There was a time many years ago when the barrier between what was going on in my head and heart and intentions I was unable to see my own thoughts. I now have no secrets and can see what's going on between my head and heart being in this new state allows me to response with kindness wanting the best for others and I mediation on holyspirt who allows me to serve and be intentionally positive God bless you anna
And not being able to see my own inner world makes a person dangerous and a reaction even with violence flight or fight or like this video freeze being able to be calm and thoughtful with the holyspirt I never been normal but I'm focusing on the answer not the problem I've been texting my friends positive messages so although face to face stirs up triggers I can look back on a positive feed it's becoming real if I can switch off super alertness and slow down God bless you Anna for your work
Another great video, thank you Caitlyn for the letter and Anna for the amazing kind and gentle yet insightful response full of spot on discernment.
I'm sorry to use this space for this, I was wondering if anyone lives in Abu Dhabi or Dubai? I moved here recently and there are no ACA meetings here and I would love to connect with someone from a community such as this one.
Thank you for everything Anna. You are the reason I started on my cptsd recovery, EMDR, neurofeedback, ACA... Thank you ❤❤❤
The woman who wrote the letter has not even begun to heal and is fooling herself by thinking that she can love someone at this stage. She has to face and be able to articulate her past. Her new love wanted a deep, committed relationship in a very short amount of time was just another CPTSD.
So agree 💯
This video was an incredibly powerful and insightful exploration of the freeze response and how we can work to heal and overcome it. It's clear that many people struggle with this issue, and it was great to see you addressing it with such depth and nuance. I appreciated how you delved into the science behind the freeze response and its potential causes, and it was great to hear about the different strategies and techniques we can use to overcome this challenge and live more fully in the present moment. Your insights about the importance of self-awareness, mindfulness, and self-compassion were incredibly helpful, and it was great to see how those principles can help us to heal from the freeze response and live more fulfilling lives. This video is a great resource for anyone who is struggling with the freeze response and looking for guidance and support on how to work through this challenge. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us!
this is THE most powerfully nourishing video-on tracking from aim to go well of giving love..c/kaitlin trully deserves the best beholden of relationship-being of have one,,very slowly i soo sensate the thorough fare helping my own nervous system hearing your unpack of details about c/kaitlin. thank you anna! 'toxic parenting..idk how to reclaim from that, but i surely want to
"...Well Welcome to the World!!" XD ^^^ I laugh now, but honestly? that statement, just helped to confirm so much healing about having went to far too fast when we were younger, and bearing the shame of that for SO LONG... It's wise to teach your children a good way to live and be, but... there has to be room for them to be humans that make mistakes and their own choices and know that as a parent they can come to you and KNOW you will be there. I can't tell you how many instances I've actually learned so much faster, when I had people in my life tell me that they were on my side regardless to support ME even if they didn't agree with all my choices. It's so wonderful to be able to grow and find healing in this way, and just an extra dose of healing to hear that same wisdom echoed back to you by the lovely and incredible Crappy Childhood Fairy in her humorous and kind way. Thank you Anna
Thank you, thank you, thank you! This is an excellent video. So freeing and comforting.
I feel like I've been in survival mode my whole life
Set your boundaries and take care of yourself.
Wow! Caitlin, I hope you are done w Mark! He seems to be rushing you, then blaming you for not being what he wants. I hope you can continue to heal, and not pursue a relationship now. Good for you to stand firm, and telling him where You are. Rest, be at peace.
I don't understand why the abused person thinks they can confront the abuser (mother)and solve their issues?
I love listening to you and learning from you. Also you remind me of Diane Keaton ~ ♡
To be honest, it seems like Mark was being incredibly manipulative. Rushing the relationship to that extent and pushing his agenda without regard to Caitlin's needs and her situation, without empathy and understanding and respecting her need to proceed slowly. Especially trying to push moving in together with her and stipulating co-ownership of her house. It seems like he was guilt tripping her with his emotional reactions as well, such as when he was insinuating that he hadn't cried in years but now, because of her, this is breaking his heart and how he doesn't feel important to her. He is pushing that on her, subtly making her responsible instead of handling his emotions himself and expressing them honestly. At the very least, he is self-absorbed and largely concerned with his own needs and perception, at worst he is narcissistic and using his knowledge of mindfulness to manipulate her perception and seeing her vulnerability and gaslighting her. So many of her anxiety responses register to me as though she is reacting to being pushed and is receiving the red flags on somewhat of a conscious level, but not being able to readily perceive the warning within her body and second-guessing herself when she reacts. I have been there, myself, and I understand how that happens and I feel for her situation and her pain and sense of shame. You have no reason to feel ashamed, Caitlin. You deserve to listen to your needs and have people in your life that respect you and are willing to go at your pace, especially when you are raw and vulnerable, honor your needs and listen to you, without pressuring you or guilting you.
Agreed
Yup, the "I have not cried in 17 years" thing felt so sus to me!
Co-regulation is the process whereby one nervous system calms another, producing a feedback loop that is soothing to both--Hayden Lindsey.
Love you dearly. You have helped me so much. To be honest I don’t get anything from lengthy letters from other people who’s circumstances don’t relate to mine. Respond to them, not me. Offered in love
Kudos to you Kaitlyn! You’re trying. You will succeed. ❤
Thanks for sharing your encouragement!
Julie@TeamFairy
“Just after Mark discussed moving into my house with me and being co owners…”
RUN! 🏃♀️
He’s not as good as she thinks, he’s egocentric and expect her to serve him in many ways. I was there
Such a red flag for the guy Caitlin is seeing. I hope she know she can be without him.. I know it hurts.. But having a wrong, destructive partner is worse. Im having flashbacks such hearing the things he's telling Caitlin
🎉 yes!
Thank you for telling her she has nothing to be ashamed of! She is soooo normal. I can’t imagine living with that delusion
I tried confronting my mom about my abuse and neglect too Anna, and it was like a dormant nuclear bomb going off inside of her. Sometimes it’s best to leave sleeping dogs lie. Sometimes your family lets you down but luckily we can pick the other people we have in our lives.
YEs!
The thing is, they know how to pull back when in public. Too bad the children of narcs do NOT know that they are supposed to pull it back. The children think acting like a narcissist is normal. And the damage from that is tremendous.
Not only are they being emotionally abused by the narcissist, they are getting push-back in all social settings because they look like, and carry the weight of a narcissist. How we live long enough to unravel it is a miracle.
Great letter response.
Yeah this guy does not sound healthy. She owns her need to heal but he doesn’t. His general vibe of pressuring her and trying to change her, rather than accepting more immediately that there’s simply incompatibility and there not needing to be blame in that speaks to attachment issues. You can hear he’s trying to fix her or morph her into what he wants which is a very inappropriate approach, especially for a person you’ve known for a short time.
And his neediness in wanting to be the center of her attention despite everything she’s going through and her other commitments seriously lacks empathy. And his wanting her to be immediately committed and sure about the relationship is inappropriate. I get how it can hurt when someone your dating says they’re still testing the waters but for someone coming from divorce and after only a few months, it is to be expected!
It’s also such a thing for CPTSD survivors to think of others’ needs but not validate their own as equally worthy. He’s basically saying be what I want and I’ll love you and she’s fallen into that. But does she really want what he’s asking for herself? And that “I love you if” thing is also so terrible for childhood trauma survivors because they don’t realize there shouldn’t be an “if”, or a series of hoops to jump through, or service you have to give someone to be worthy. You should be loved for who you are.
I also just want to say that listening to stories of people who feel chronically unloved and unvalued makes me feel less alone. When it’s someone else saying these things, especially hearing how they tell their stories, I never believe it and just want to wrap them in a hug. Sometimes it’s a struggle to be social and find the right people around us, and especially if our family wasn’t there for us, that can give us the message that being alone is the same thing as not having value. But it’s not true.
Thank you so much for this comment. It IS such a struggle to be social and interact with a ton with people when we (people with trauma) often feel like we are walking underwater all day - and it's exhausting. To you and anyone who needs more camaraderie, please consider the CCF membership. We have zoom meetings every day, often at 3 or 4 different times from California to Norway :) bit.ly/CCF-Membership
-Cara@TeamFairy
Oh, Fairy, you have no idea what you and your existence have given to me. I am someone who is afraid.
I'm so glad you're here. We understand as few others can and are all sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
Okay, only 11 minutes in and I hear a LOT of complex rationalizations around simple things - you can't change Mom or get any satisfaction from her around old wounds, Mark isn't a therapeutic genius and just wants to live at your house, and you've hit 50 w/o finding true love and what the hell are you supposed to do to make your dreams come true now? (I'm 62, I know very well how tough this all is.) So, skipping forward to see what Miss Anna says...
"Mark isn't a therapeutic genius" ... very well put.
"you can't change Mom or get any satisfaction from her around old wounds"...ain't that the truth. My experience as well. If they were gonna apologize and recognize such harm, they would not need us to say something to them. They'd have self-reflected and come to us with the apology. And in some cases, they would've never behaved that way in the first place if they even cared.
I agree 💯
This video was amazing!! What a beautiful response and I agree with it deeply. Thank you CCF!
Thank you for your kind words! -Frida@TeamFairy
Beware, he wants the house! He is applying emotional manipulation, and playing on any toxicity, and uncertainty. She just need some space, of course. He doesn't want to give her any space, tell him back it up Speed Racer. If he continues to be insulted, tell him to take a hike, and shove off.
the entire time this Mark guy felt like he is grooming you for some cult... he does this push pull thing and guilt trips you and to own half of your house?! thats what cults do and he basically did that in the hardest of your times yet he demanded you be present when you clearly couldn't be! I hope you left and never returned!
I notice most people talk about dysregulated nervous system being caused from childhood but mine's isn't.. I had a great childhood. However I was with a narcissist for 12 years
Complex PTSD can come from extended trauma during any phase of life. Symptoms are similar but there are some differences with trauma with childhood. On this channel though we are focused on the symptoms of childhood trauma, but many people with adult-onset trauma enjoy working on their symptoms with us!