I am amazed that this lady is not more famous. Each of these videos is SPOT on about this ubiquitous phenomenon. I've been in bondage to these issues for most of my life and, as M says, it's programming. First with abusive parents, then siblings, then freezing during school (physical) bullying, then friendships, relationships and now, that I've seen these videos, I can drop the complete self-doubt that was instilled so early on by two sick individuals whose control I tried to FIND in all my other relationships. Meredith, I owe you so much for unlocking this prison. You are no less than a God-send. These have been the most useful videos on RUclips, for me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. May all be well with you.
Psychology Contact Yes Free Ur Self ! The spirit world would not want you to be in a toxic bandage. Listen to the song Free Urself from Prince on RUclips and you’ll know what I’m saying. I have been in a similar situation in life. Now I’m free to access my gifts of joy to be free. Keep moving forward. Looking up .💜
Hi. Same but 59. Hoping good things happen for you. At least we know we are not alone & not crazy. We cannot change what has already happened but we can understand it, which is a big thing.
I could write s book about all the toxic people throughout my lifetime. But when you think about it, if every normal and every empathic person had strong and healthy boundaries, what would all the narcissists do for supply??? Maybe they would be forced to look at themselves and get help. Meredith, what you teach is surely making the world a better place one video at a time!!
I see narcissism as being like an addiction. It is like they need their next fix but unfortunately you are it. Or that manipulating & hurting you is their next fix. I guess narcissists do, particularly in later life run out of people to hurt & manipulate, sometimes. I guess when they are not in a position of power & they have no one to bully any more, they just have to put up with not having the supply of their favourite drug. Maybe they have to put up with some sort of inferior brand of drug, like repeatedly moaning to their doctor about their aches & pains instead & they are not going to feel happy with that. I guess they will take opportunities to get what supply they can. Maybe they will criticise a waitress or shout at a carer. But they are not going to be happy about not having a regular supply of their favourite drug. I don't think that means they will necessarily seek help though. For them to seek help they would have to accept there is something wrong with them, so in order for that to happen they have to completely give up any idea of their own superiority. I imagine that for the vast majority of them they would probably prefer to take refuge in believing that times have changed & that people just don't know how to act respectful any more, or something like that. Someone could make a good film about a narcissist losing their sources of supply & how they cope or not but I don't think its going to be a feel good movie no matter how well acted.
I think sometimes we choose people to extend our compassion unskilfully to people because they reflect our own wounding and rather than attending to our own wounds we try to attend to theirs but it doesn't work.It took me a long time to realise that kindness and compassion also included myself.
I needed this at the onset of the slowest breakup on record. My stomach would and still gets in knots when I think of how “badly” I hurt my former partner. This compassion problem has kept me stuck for too, too long :/
Thanks Meredith excellent talk... I would like to share my story.. I am a child of sex abuse, I have had many abusive relationships because of unhealty boundaries. I found studying Eric Berne (TA) programing from childhood. This really helped me as I could intentify my own lack of physical boundaries... Like Meredith explains it is all about taking self responsibility. Lets all learn from our experience with this evil narcissism and grow - learn who we really are and not being someone that has programmed us through their own emotional state. We one day may thank our narc for finding ourselves..God bless everyone in their recovery from this past life that was just an illusion xx
Meredith, this is a very, very important topic, thanks again for your brilliant reminder. I've had family arriving unannounced, no respect for boundaries. I didn't think about this. Knowing about your human rights is vital.
Right! We learned in childhood to jump and run when we were called. Now we are adults and we get to choose when, how and to whom we respond. It's mind-blowing at first! Big hug.
Inner Integration It's like we were automatically programmed by Narcs parents to jump through hoops for them, without us having independent thoughts. They owned our mind, body, emotions etc. Our job is to unlock what is ours, not ours, what we like, think, don't like. etc.
No negotiation and compromise over a mutually convenient time. My father was like that. He wanted to visit with my mother when he wanted to after I had left home regardless about how I or my mother had felt about it and whether it was convenient. Looking back I think he also deliberately picked inconvenient times to visit to disrupt my life when I had informed my mother about those weekends I had booked such as a trip to visit a friend in London for her birthday.
lemsip seems to me he wanted to control you. As if he decided when you saw your parents. Really pathetic. In my experience people who do this don't respect other people as if they're entitled to get what they want regardless of other's feelings. Narcs are good at this. This is a major flag when you want to know whether someone is a Narc or not.
I love the reference to Gabor Mate....a really deep guy, full of experiences, a great speaker, ...and often wisdom...a bit dark sometimes, but a lot to be learned from his ideas, especially on addictions. The best 'boundary' is to take your own feelings into account.
As an empath I can understand better that my mirror neurons can imitate and feel another's pain but that is exactly like the "rollercoaster". I like how you describe boundaries. You have to be very present and make a habit of checking which are my feelings and which are their feelings. That sense of ownership happens when you check out of the emotion and decide whether you want to continue with it or let go. It's like meditation and letting go except you are learning to let go in real time with people and what they throw at you. Thanks for your work! :) Also thanks for the referral on another video to Brendon Burchard. Very helpful. Instead of being conditioned by narcissists it will be powerful to condition myself :D Having few boundaries is a bad habit!
This is really helpful. I work in human services. I plan to watch this again. I have taken some notes and will put them on the wall at work. Thank you, Meredith. Very valuable.
Wow. Meredith, I think this is my favorite video so far. I've been systematically watching your videos for at least a couple of months, and I immediately had to watch this one twice because it spoke to me to strongly. Your many, many examples of healthy responses, healthy viewpoints, and healthy behavioral options is impressive and empowering. When abusive behavior is all you know, it's critical to have examples of healthy behavior. Your passion for disseminating this subject, and your passion for the victims, is obvious and commendable. Your are helping to heal this reality and I send you great Love! :)
That was so helpful.........particularly in relation to my adult daughters with whom I've felt obliged to be there to listen to every little problem, always having compassion and empathy. For a long time, I could not understand why I felt bad; drained and taken for granted - no boundaries, it's so obvious now! I guess if I'm honest with myself ,unconsciously it made me feel needed and gave me a sense of worth; so unhealthy. Anyway, no more. Appreciate this wonderful video.
Maybe you could suggest that it might be best for them to find counsellors to talk their difficulties through with, instead, if that seems to be what they need.
The context of this video is very important. Thank you for sharing it. We should have all of these boundaries. Otherwise, they try to change us. He tried to change me. He said very explicitly that "You can be my queen only if you'll become the person that I want". He tried to impose his view of the world, his good and bad habits, his hobbies, his fears upon me. If I had boundaries, he would not think that he had rights to say these. He always told me how much we are not compatible. But he never understands we are two separate people and have to respect to each other.
"I just missed you. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, and you just made me feel so unwelcome!" Good grief...how do you know this person in my life so well? It's like you've listened in on our conversations.
I don't think it's compassion for the other is toxic, there's enough compassion for the whole world as long as you include yourself indeed first and foremost. It's attachment and seeking validation externally that's toxic.
As I stated in the video, I believe the compassion becomes toxic when we are giving it without boundaries to people who are abusing us. Emotional attachment is actually one of our basic needs (Dr. Gabor Maté). It only becomes toxic when we are trying to form emotional attachments with people who are incapable of it due to their lack of conscience.
This video is seminal. My compassion was never extended to me first. I had no sense of caring for myself so would feel sorry for others so much. Now I see the answer is to start by feeling very, very sorry for myself..not pity.. but genuine compassion. I have had a very, very sorry situation in my life and all my compassion now goes for me. It is not cold. It is just directing the energy to where it will do the most good. I so much appreciate you bringing this point home for me. I had a self-image of being a compassionate person but now I can extend that to my most important charity----ME!
Hola amiga. I call you amiga for 2 things... because you speak perfect spanish and also because your videos are helping me so much to overcome the hell I lived for many years and I didnt understand why I was suffering all the pain I had. I am loving myself now with your help. Muchos abrazos para ti. Gracias por todo. (Soy de Chile, América del Sur)
That was my case! Thanks. I also have those dreams. I knew since little girl I had nobody. And I shut up as no one would come to my rescue. Sad, yet that has make me a rock in terms of surviving skills, and empathy and forgiveness in victims of abuse. Thank you soo much Meredith... Your power inspires me! 🌷
Taken From The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us Martha Stout is an American psychologist and author. When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has. Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy. One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you’re dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behaviour.
My boundary is I do NOT have to control my emotions, like a family member told me. My other boundary is I do NOT self sacrifice for others. I express my emotions appropriately. It is perfectly normal that I take care of my own desires, needs, wants, &, that I live for me. This does NOT make me selfish. This makes me a normal human being/person. I have rights, as well. If others/family members do not like this, that is their problem, NOT mine.
well, everyone should always be in control of their emotions. this does not mean u dont get to experience them, but rather that u recognize keeping them in check is a step towards living a healthy life. its for u that u would do it, no them
@@FIREGOD333 I don't know. Is it possible or healthy to always be in control of our emotions? I mean obviously we shouldn't just be going around dumping our anger on people etc but I think most people have a minor loss of temper occasionally, when life has conspired to really irritate us, & maybe speak to someone in a way that is a bit impatient, or slightly brusque. Is it not normal to feel a bit overcome with grief when one has had sad news, or simply somewhat overwhelmed by things sometimes? Obviously that shouldn't mean we are always putting pressure on someone to give us support, we have to be responsible around how we treat others but thats different from being in control all the time.
I’ve found this to be so very true. I will continue to show up as my true authentic self whether it’s appreciated or not. If my sis family wants to aim there criticism at me for being me a youthful child like fun spirited self . It’s who I am and I’m glad . It’s probably why I have stopped wanting to visit them anymore. Everything Meredith speaks is amazingly true. I used to just stand there and take the complaining whining attitude they gave me but not anymore thanks to Meredith words of wisdom. I have also realized I’m in a different category than everyone else in my family. Which I just came to realize just recently.💜🤟🏼🙏
I never realized it I can't be in a state of doubt and empowerment at the same time I must remember that write it down actually that is so profound that sums it up
Thank you so much for your channel, Meredith. I just discovered it. It is extremely helpful. I just got off a toxic relationship with a very skilled (and charming...) manipulator. I am so glad I did. I feel like I am becoming more and more myself every day. For the past 6 months, I was in some kind of "high" unhealthy state. I was not myself anymore. I was losing myself and ... mind... I felt it, but also my close friends were able to see it. Thank God it is over. Your videos help me to get stronger even more. Thank you.
The irony is I think that childhood beliefs are that they are needed. This is carried over into adulthood with the childish view being that we are indispensable and that our love is necessary to sustain the parent and therefore us. . It is very comforting to me to know that if I don’t help the Narc he or she will find someone else to care. Narcs always keep lines of narcissistic supply open. I hate it when victim Narcs act like they have nothing, they take your money when they really have money, they take your love when they have other partners on the go, Everyone here keep your love your money and your time for yourself.
Great message...the other day i was confronted by a sociopathic acquaintance who came to my house wen i did not respond to a phone call and text quick enough. We did not have plans...i told her wen she asked why that wasnt ok, i said it was rude...she started up w excuses and entitlement.. wen i didnt respond to it she stepped toward me and asked if we had A Problem. Uh oh. Ptsd..started shaking..i said Yep. I Dont Want To Be Your Friend Now Leave. i turned my back to her shocked ass and she did but talked crap all the way to her car. Felt weird. But good ...little guilty...too harsh..o well i just hope she doesnt burn down my house. Lol
Ah yes, the sociopaths, narcissists, etc. have a way of imposing themselves and escalating their demands that you respond to them. It's challenging because the PTSD anxiety gets triggered and that's the point we can get hooked back into the abuse dynamic, often giving into them just to calm the overwhelming anxiety. You made the boundary super clear to her and you owe her nothing more. If she ever comes back to your door, I would just ignore it. I had to do that to my former business partner last year. He insisted on coming to my house at 8am. I told him no. He insisted. I said no. He came anyway. He turned into an animal, banging on the door, yelling, LOL it was quite a spectacle to hear from the safe, comfortable refuge of my room. He never did that again because he learned it was a huge waste of his time and energy. Big hug, Susan!
Thanks for your time and i really appreciate your work. Wearing the Rude Suit as other people see it, yet knowing it as Assertiveness is a bit weird but im sure itll be less cumbersome as i practice it and learn grace. Thanks again!
I would get round somebody wanting to come earlier by scheduling in some last minute vacuuming, washing up or grocery shopping just before the meeting or visit was to start rather than some fun time or relaxation time. So then they would have to face an untidy home and me vacuuming around them or I wasn't at home.
many women say I'm sorry way too much even for no reason.yesterday a woman held the door for me at a convenience store I was on my way out with bags in both hands,.she said I'm sorry as she did it, as if she didn't do it fast enough. I said thank you; you didn't have to do that
I'm glad I found this page. This definitely speaks to me. I was definitely sexually harassed by my own people. Years later, I dated a man who tried to control me with racial duty and responsibility. He had a very bad temper and I broke up with him after two years. Wouldn't you know, I met another man very much like him. That didn't last long. And again, another tried to take it's place with me. Also, during my young adult years, I had been inappropriately touched by a guy at the place I worked at. Being me and growing up a crybaby because I had been bullied as a kid (Light skin kid) , I turned around and hit him and threatened not to ever "effing" touch me again. Of course, the other co-workers, especially the women of my race said "You don't hit nobody." The police came and said "We can't be everywhere all the time." I don't recall asking them too. Fast forward, to my mid 40's and did you know I saw that mother f*&^%er in a mall? And coming right at me again. "Not to let them walk around in your temple with dirty shoes." This is so true. I'm told I'm being picky because I want a "Package" or a man that everyone says I shouldn't have because I am supposed.....bla bla.....I have every right to define who can approach me and who cannot. This is about the only thing I ever learned.
This is one of the most clear and thorough teachings I’ve heard on boundaries. Covering the multiple areas was excellent along with giving brief responses in the toxic moment. Thank you.
even if we deflect the fear or the taunting we still are angry we must get away from these people. this is my opinion even though I haven't done it yet
Me, me. I’m 73 and still paralyzed. Nobody was there for me. I knew it as a child. Yes I did. So that’s why I cannot break out and save myself. Whew! I have always wondered what is wrong with me. Thank you 4 that huge kernel of truth.
Thanks for your advice. In the past, I found it very hard to make boundaries n say "no". Flying monkeys make it particularly hard for me to establish no contact with my Narc aunt. Lately, it's getting easier n easier for me to say to flying monkey "no, I don't want to phone her!"
Inner Integration 😘 Thanks to your brilliant advice. I've watched many Narc videos but I particularly like your style of delivery. It is clear, articulated v.well. Big Hug to you too! X.
One of the best ways I have found to block out emotional/verbal attacks and garbage when with someone is to always keep a pair of headphones around your neck or on you, where you can easily and quickly plug them in and put on some other input that immediately blocks it out - like music. They can't do anything while you do that, unless they physically reach out and pop out one of your earphones, and in that case, they would be becoming very outwardly aggressive and rude, which a narc never would want to display. No one in their right mind would go up to someone and pop out an earphone. You have this as a reliable defense.
I have dealt all my 30 years of life with a complicated overt & covert mixed case :) I see it now clearly! :) I understand every narc. video to the fullest! :D
This 'you already knew that you were alone" is so true. I wish that we could tell everyone that instead of hitting them with so much victim blame. So much, "you liked it". Our society further abuses the abused.
Omg I connect so much to the bit about being programmed (around 7 minutes). It's so severe for me I outright consider myself to be brainwashed. The moment I realized I was a zombie unable to say no is the moment my healing really began 🧡
I have been practically binge watching all your programs and I want to thank you so much. I talked with my man. he is totally dening that he ment to hurt me...I was like ok maybe tgats true, I mean how could someone want to hurt me, I'm super nice. but then he said that God would show me that...he did try.....so I'm realy confused...I asked God a while ago and I know he made the picture clear for me that this man was clearly making it a point to hurt me..mentally and my man wasnt suttle about showing me that he has no respect on things he did. he is trying to put it in Gods hands now.
You’re amazing in your explanations. Thank you for clarifying/ confirming/explaining things.. it clears out the fog. Intuitively one knows but have no way of verbalizing it, meaning putting it into words because of it I would doubt myself. Thank you!!
Thank you Meredith for this video. I finally found the clue. That little hole for toxic content to flow in my life. The weak point in my character and where did it came from. At this moment I'm overwhelmed with fear how toxic I am for my child, did I pass toxic compassion or whatever on him and can I do anything to make things better.
You know what I just realised? That often times when we decline something like engaging in conversation or touch... we start by saying "IM SORRY, but I prefer not to talk/be touched right now. Its insane that we even start our assertion with IM SORRY, because what is there to even be sorry about? It shows me that this fear of the reaction from others and how they perceive us when we express our limits runs really deep in almost everyone😮
That s my case. I was sexually used or seduced as I child, and I didn t cry, I thought it was a game. Yet, now when I look back, nobody would have care. How did this guy have access to a 3 or years old child, alone to do such things? Because there was no parental guidance. My parents could t care less.
I think the description of the conversation in 15.21(bla, bla, bla) describes how it really sounds: The conversation with someone who makes you doubt about everything !! It's such a pity when you even doubt your own feelings and your perspective and perception!!
Profound wisdom and clarity. I truly appreciate you sharing your knowledge coupled with a solution based presentation. You clearly know your stuff. I didn't see the link you suggested at the end for $10 I will look again.Huge thanks to you.
He touches me all the time and sits behind me on the couch.. And every time I cringe ,I hate him and I put up with it just to save the drama. I'll. Lost my ability to say no.. I am in hell
From watching this, I realized that I've been wanting to appear compassionate when I'm not. The narc has been using my fear of appearing uncompassionate to play me.
My narco-mom never misses an opportunity to patronize me. It genuinely enjoys regarding me (scapegoat child) with contempt 100% of the time. Thanks, 'Mom' !
but I would have to say even though you go no contact with someone which you should,you still use compassion because otherwise anger will eat you up inside. the: forgive them for they know not what they do non judgement ,really will help you. but don't interact anymore
i had one of those god awful dreams. my nmom was terrorizing me and i tried to escape, run away, but i coulnt run. i was in extreme slow motion, and she was running circles around me literally. taunting me and my inability to run like that. it felt like i was running through thick mud. and she kept yelling and criticizing and laughing at me telling me what a loser i am. i just needed to get away but i couldnt and i was panicking and crying and i felt so helpless. and then i woke up. i sprang out of bed, covered in sweat and breathing like i just ran a marathon. worst fucking shit ever. wish i could say that was a one time thing.
Thank you so much, Meredith! You are so good at what you do, I admire you so much! I just listened to your awesome Podcast, and I was wondering if it's the same content. Yet I think it's not, right? Congrats & keep on crushing it with such vital information & advice! And you look super beautiful in video! 🙌💜
The podcast is different. Some of my earlier episodes from almost 2 years ago had clips from RUclips after an Intro but nowadays it’s all original, long-form content. Actually there’s a fairly recent episode on setting boundaries on compassion if you’re looking for more on this topic.
@@InnerIntegration You are amazing, thank you for taking the time to respond! Yes, I will love to keep watching your RUclips videos, listening to your Podcast; then reading your book & taking your courses . Thank you for all you do and help the world! 🤗👏
I am amazed that this lady is not more famous. Each of these videos is SPOT on about this ubiquitous phenomenon. I've been in bondage to these issues for most of my life and, as M says, it's programming. First with abusive parents, then siblings, then freezing during school (physical) bullying, then friendships, relationships and now, that I've seen these videos, I can drop the complete self-doubt that was instilled so early on by two sick individuals whose control I tried to FIND in all my other relationships. Meredith, I owe you so much for unlocking this prison. You are no less than a God-send. These have been the most useful videos on RUclips, for me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. May all be well with you.
Psychology Contact totally Merideth is life❤️
Share her videos in media and she will become famous, I think
It’s so healing to hear how she understands us and what we are living this!! She is an Earth Angel!!
I agree with you!
Psychology Contact Yes Free Ur Self ! The spirit world would not want you to be in a toxic bandage. Listen to the song Free Urself from Prince on RUclips and you’ll know what I’m saying. I have been in a similar situation in life. Now I’m free to access my gifts of joy to be free. Keep moving forward. Looking up .💜
my whole life my mother made me feel like I was a bad person for having any needs at all from puberty on
I am a survivor of emotional abuse in my dysfunctional family. My family is still dysfunctional to this day.
We are survivors. Big hug.
I know, as an older adult, 49 years, I do deserve all the same things in life as everyone else. I will be 50 soon. On January 10, 2017.
Hi. Same but 59. Hoping good things happen for you. At least we know we are not alone & not crazy. We cannot change what has already happened but we can understand it, which is a big thing.
I could write s book about all the toxic people throughout my lifetime. But when you think about it, if every normal and every empathic person had strong and healthy boundaries, what would all the narcissists do for supply??? Maybe they would be forced to look at themselves and get help. Meredith, what you teach is surely making the world a better place one video at a time!!
I see narcissism as being like an addiction. It is like they need their next fix but unfortunately you are it. Or that manipulating & hurting you is their next fix. I guess narcissists do, particularly in later life run out of people to hurt & manipulate, sometimes. I guess when they are not in a position of power & they have no one to bully any more, they just have to put up with not having the supply of their favourite drug. Maybe they have to put up with some sort of inferior brand of drug, like repeatedly moaning to their doctor about their aches & pains instead & they are not going to feel happy with that. I guess they will take opportunities to get what supply they can. Maybe they will criticise a waitress or shout at a carer. But they are not going to be happy about not having a regular supply of their favourite drug. I don't think that means they will necessarily seek help though. For them to seek help they would have to accept there is something wrong with them, so in order for that to happen they have to completely give up any idea of their own superiority. I imagine that for the vast majority of them they would probably prefer to take refuge in believing that times have changed & that people just don't know how to act respectful any more, or something like that. Someone could make a good film about a narcissist losing their sources of supply & how they cope or not but I don't think its going to be a feel good movie no matter how well acted.
My heart hurts, this journey is painful.
Victorious Balla hope u are better after 1 yr. ❤️
Victorious Balla mine too. Blessings...
This too shall pass, I completely understand. My oldest son is a narcissist and he started a smear campaign against me. and my youngest son
all because we set boundaries, and we would not give in to his demands., of course,, he did not like that,
I think sometimes we choose people to extend our compassion unskilfully to people because they reflect our own wounding and rather than attending to our own wounds we try to attend to theirs but it doesn't work.It took me a long time to realise that kindness and compassion also included myself.
Upenda Sana
I agree with every word.
I needed this at the onset of the slowest breakup on record. My stomach would and still gets in knots when I think of how “badly” I hurt my former partner. This compassion problem has kept me stuck for too, too long :/
Thanks Meredith excellent talk... I would like to share my story.. I am a child of sex abuse, I have had many abusive relationships because of unhealty boundaries. I found studying Eric Berne (TA) programing from childhood. This really helped me as I could intentify my own lack of physical boundaries... Like Meredith explains it is all about taking self responsibility. Lets all learn from our experience with this evil narcissism and grow - learn who we really are and not being someone that has programmed us through their own emotional state. We one day may thank our narc for finding ourselves..God bless everyone in their recovery from this past life that was just an illusion xx
Great work, Lyn! You are strong and brave. Big hug!
Meredith, this is a very, very important topic, thanks again for your brilliant reminder. I've had family arriving unannounced, no respect for boundaries. I didn't think about this. Knowing about your human rights is vital.
Right! We learned in childhood to jump and run when we were called. Now we are adults and we get to choose when, how and to whom we respond. It's mind-blowing at first! Big hug.
Inner Integration It's like we were automatically programmed by Narcs parents to jump through hoops for them, without us having independent thoughts. They owned our mind, body, emotions etc. Our job is to unlock what is ours, not ours, what we like, think, don't like. etc.
No negotiation and compromise over a mutually convenient time. My father was like that. He wanted to visit with my mother when he wanted to after I had left home regardless about how I or my mother had felt about it and whether it was convenient. Looking back I think he also deliberately picked inconvenient times to visit to disrupt my life when I had informed my mother about those weekends I had booked such as a trip to visit a friend in London for her birthday.
lemsip seems to me he wanted to control you. As if he decided when you saw your parents. Really pathetic. In my experience people who do this don't respect other people as if they're entitled to get what they want regardless of other's feelings. Narcs are good at this. This is a major flag when you want to know whether someone is a Narc or not.
I love the reference to Gabor Mate....a really deep guy, full of experiences, a great speaker, ...and often wisdom...a bit dark sometimes, but a lot to be learned from his ideas, especially on addictions.
The best 'boundary' is to take your own feelings into account.
Dr. Maté is awesome! Big hug.
Robert Harvey d
As an empath I can understand better that my mirror neurons can imitate and feel another's pain but that is exactly like the "rollercoaster". I like how you describe boundaries. You have to be very present and make a habit of checking which are my feelings and which are their feelings. That sense of ownership happens when you check out of the emotion and decide whether you want to continue with it or let go. It's like meditation and letting go except you are learning to let go in real time with people and what they throw at you. Thanks for your work! :) Also thanks for the referral on another video to Brendon Burchard. Very helpful. Instead of being conditioned by narcissists it will be powerful to condition myself :D Having few boundaries is a bad habit!
How beautiful is that statement 'someone running around in our temple with dirty shoes' and I love it! Thank you for all your sessions!
This is really helpful. I work in human services. I plan to watch this again. I have taken some notes and will put them on the wall at work. Thank you, Meredith. Very valuable.
Great idea! Big hug, Susan!
Wow. Meredith, I think this is my favorite video so far. I've been systematically watching your videos for at least a couple of months, and I immediately had to watch this one twice because it spoke to me to strongly. Your many, many examples of healthy responses, healthy viewpoints, and healthy behavioral options is impressive and empowering. When abusive behavior is all you know, it's critical to have examples of healthy behavior. Your passion for disseminating this subject, and your passion for the victims, is obvious and commendable. Your are helping to heal this reality and I send you great Love! :)
That was so helpful.........particularly in relation to my adult daughters with whom I've felt obliged to be there to listen to every little problem, always having compassion and empathy. For a long time, I could not understand why I felt bad; drained and taken for granted - no boundaries, it's so obvious now! I guess if I'm honest with myself ,unconsciously it made me feel needed and gave me a sense of worth; so unhealthy. Anyway, no more. Appreciate this wonderful video.
Great insight on your experience! Big hug.
Maybe you could suggest that it might be best for them to find counsellors to talk their difficulties through with, instead, if that seems to be what they need.
The context of this video is very important. Thank you for sharing it. We should have all of these boundaries. Otherwise, they try to change us. He tried to change me. He said very explicitly that "You can be my queen only if you'll become the person that I want". He tried to impose his view of the world, his good and bad habits, his hobbies, his fears upon me. If I had boundaries, he would not think that he had rights to say these. He always told me how much we are not compatible. But he never understands we are two separate people and have to respect to each other.
Right! Big hug Gözde!
Thank you, Meredith. I can feel you care for our pain.
Big hug!
"I just missed you. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, and you just made me feel so unwelcome!"
Good grief...how do you know this person in my life so well? It's like you've listened in on our conversations.
The SANA Series IS INCREDIBLE and well worth investing in for your recovery!!!! Thank you Meredith for this creation!!!
I remind myself of what they’ve done and continue to do and it makes it easier to pull back all empathy or sympathy.
You are an amazing woman!! Thank you so much for your help :)
I don't think it's compassion for the other is toxic, there's enough compassion for the whole world as long as you include yourself indeed first and foremost. It's attachment and seeking validation externally that's toxic.
As I stated in the video, I believe the compassion becomes toxic when we are giving it without boundaries to people who are abusing us. Emotional attachment is actually one of our basic needs (Dr. Gabor Maté). It only becomes toxic when we are trying to form emotional attachments with people who are incapable of it due to their lack of conscience.
This should be taught in SCHOOL!!!!!!! I wish I could go back in time with THIS information!!!!! Thank you SOOOO much!! Powerful message!!!
Compassion is good but boundaries help to stop letting toxic people in.
This video is seminal. My compassion was never extended to me first. I had no sense of caring for myself so would feel sorry for others so much. Now I see the answer is to start by feeling very, very sorry for myself..not pity.. but genuine compassion. I have had a very, very sorry situation in my life and all my compassion now goes for me. It is not cold. It is just directing the energy to where it will do the most good. I so much appreciate you bringing this point home for me. I had a self-image of being a compassionate person but now I can extend that to my most important charity----ME!
Hola amiga. I call you amiga for 2 things... because you speak perfect spanish and also because your videos are helping me so much to overcome the hell I lived for many years and I didnt understand why I was suffering all the pain I had. I am loving myself now with your help. Muchos abrazos para ti. Gracias por todo. (Soy de Chile, América del Sur)
That was my case! Thanks. I also have those dreams. I knew since little girl I had nobody. And I shut up as no one would come to my rescue. Sad, yet that has make me a rock in terms of surviving skills, and empathy and forgiveness in victims of abuse. Thank you soo much Meredith... Your power inspires me! 🌷
Taken From
The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us
Martha Stout is an American psychologist and author.
When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has. Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy. One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you’re dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behaviour.
My boundary is I do NOT have to control my emotions, like a family member told me. My other boundary is I do NOT self sacrifice for others. I express my emotions appropriately. It is perfectly normal that I take care of my own desires, needs, wants, &, that I live for me. This does NOT make me selfish. This makes me a normal human being/person. I have rights, as well. If others/family members do not like this, that is their problem, NOT mine.
Great work, Amy!
well, everyone should always be in control of their emotions. this does not mean u dont get to experience them, but rather that u recognize keeping them in check is a step towards living a healthy life. its for u that u would do it, no them
@@FIREGOD333 I don't know. Is it possible or healthy to always be in control of our emotions? I mean obviously we shouldn't just be going around dumping our anger on people etc but I think most people have a minor loss of temper occasionally, when life has conspired to really irritate us, & maybe speak to someone in a way that is a bit impatient, or slightly brusque. Is it not normal to feel a bit overcome with grief when one has had sad news, or simply somewhat overwhelmed by things sometimes? Obviously that shouldn't mean we are always putting pressure on someone to give us support, we have to be responsible around how we treat others but thats different from being in control all the time.
This video just changed everything for me! I owe you one!
In tears right now.
Exactly what I needed to hear, thank you.
I’ve found this to be so very true. I will continue to show up as my true authentic self whether it’s appreciated or not. If my sis family wants to aim there criticism at me for being me a youthful child like fun spirited self . It’s who I am and I’m glad . It’s probably why I have stopped wanting to visit them anymore. Everything Meredith speaks is amazingly true. I used to just stand there and take the complaining whining attitude they gave me but not anymore thanks to Meredith words of wisdom. I have also realized I’m in a different category than everyone else in my family. Which I just came to realize just recently.💜🤟🏼🙏
purplecat confetti I also have a toxic family and I stay away even though it’s difficult to accept.
I never realized it I can't be in a state of doubt and empowerment at the same time I must remember that write it down actually that is so profound that sums it up
You were soooo meant to do this! Thank you 😊
You have such clarity. It's inspiring.
Big hug!
Thank you so much for your channel, Meredith. I just discovered it. It is extremely helpful. I just got off a toxic relationship with a very skilled (and charming...) manipulator. I am so glad I did. I feel like I am becoming more and more myself every day. For the past 6 months, I was in some kind of "high" unhealthy state. I was not myself anymore. I was losing myself and ... mind... I felt it, but also my close friends were able to see it. Thank God it is over. Your videos help me to get stronger even more. Thank you.
.... Meredith, thank you for being a support system and advocate for people like me ❤️🙏🏻
The irony is I think that childhood beliefs are that they are needed. This is carried over into adulthood with the childish view being that we are indispensable and that our love is necessary to sustain the parent and therefore us. . It is very comforting to me to know that if I don’t help the Narc he or she will find someone else to care. Narcs always keep lines of narcissistic supply open. I hate it when victim Narcs act like they have nothing, they take your money when they really have money, they take your love when they have other partners on the go, Everyone here keep your love your money and your time for yourself.
This is a mouthful! GOD BLESS YOU!
Great message...the other day i was confronted by a sociopathic acquaintance who came to my house wen i did not respond to a phone call and text quick enough. We did not have plans...i told her wen she asked why that wasnt ok, i said it was rude...she started up w excuses and entitlement.. wen i didnt respond to it she stepped toward me and asked if we had A Problem. Uh oh. Ptsd..started shaking..i said Yep. I Dont Want To Be Your Friend Now Leave.
i turned my back to her shocked ass and she did but talked crap all the way to her car. Felt weird. But good ...little guilty...too harsh..o well
i just hope she doesnt burn down my house. Lol
Ah yes, the sociopaths, narcissists, etc. have a way of imposing themselves and escalating their demands that you respond to them. It's challenging because the PTSD anxiety gets triggered and that's the point we can get hooked back into the abuse dynamic, often giving into them just to calm the overwhelming anxiety. You made the boundary super clear to her and you owe her nothing more. If she ever comes back to your door, I would just ignore it. I had to do that to my former business partner last year. He insisted on coming to my house at 8am. I told him no. He insisted. I said no. He came anyway. He turned into an animal, banging on the door, yelling, LOL it was quite a spectacle to hear from the safe, comfortable refuge of my room. He never did that again because he learned it was a huge waste of his time and energy. Big hug, Susan!
Thanks for your time and i really appreciate your work. Wearing the Rude Suit as other people see it, yet knowing it as Assertiveness is a bit weird but im sure itll be less cumbersome as i practice it and learn grace. Thanks again!
I would get round somebody wanting to come earlier by scheduling in some last minute vacuuming, washing up or grocery shopping just before the meeting or visit was to start rather than some fun time or relaxation time. So then they would have to face an untidy home and me vacuuming around them or I wasn't at home.
@@InnerIntegration Thank you Meredith 💚.
12:20 wow Meredith this video made me feel less alone.. i'm so glad I found you. God bless you for your work.
many women say I'm sorry way too much even for no reason.yesterday a woman held the door for me at a convenience store I was on my way out with bags in both hands,.she said I'm sorry as she did it, as if she didn't do it fast enough. I said thank you; you didn't have to do that
I'm glad I found this page. This definitely speaks to me. I was definitely sexually harassed by my own people. Years later, I dated a man who tried to control me with racial duty and responsibility. He had a very bad temper and I broke up with him after two years. Wouldn't you know, I met another man very much like him. That didn't last long. And again, another tried to take it's place with me. Also, during my young adult years, I had been inappropriately touched by a guy at the place I worked at. Being me and growing up a crybaby because I had been bullied as a kid (Light skin kid) , I turned around and hit him and threatened not to ever "effing" touch me again. Of course, the other co-workers, especially the women of my race said "You don't hit nobody." The police came and said "We can't be everywhere all the time." I don't recall asking them too. Fast forward, to my mid 40's and did you know I saw that mother f*&^%er in a mall? And coming right at me again.
"Not to let them walk around in your temple with dirty shoes." This is so true. I'm told I'm being picky because I want a "Package" or a man that everyone says I shouldn't have because I am supposed.....bla bla.....I have every right to define who can approach me and who cannot. This is about the only thing I ever learned.
This is one of the most clear and thorough teachings I’ve heard on boundaries. Covering the multiple areas was excellent along with giving brief responses in the toxic moment. Thank you.
Thank you. These videos help me get out of the confusion I am in. Recognize what abuse is!
even if we deflect the fear or the taunting we still are angry we must get away from these people. this is my opinion even though I haven't done it yet
I love that metaphor don't tether my emotions to anyone else I'm going to remember that and use it
Wow I knew a lacked boundaries but never knew it was so easy and okay to just say no
Me, me. I’m 73 and still paralyzed. Nobody was there for me. I knew it as a child. Yes I did. So that’s why I cannot break out and save myself. Whew! I have always wondered what is wrong with me. Thank you 4 that huge kernel of truth.
What an incredible service - to provide such outstanding videos to us at no cost. I have benefited so much from your videos and am deeply grateful.
Thank you for your insight. It is eye-opening. Ive got a lot of hard work ahead of me.
Thanks for your advice. In the past, I found it very hard to make boundaries n say "no". Flying monkeys make it particularly hard for me to establish no contact with my Narc aunt. Lately, it's getting easier n easier for me to say to flying monkey "no, I don't want to phone her!"
Amen! "Just say NO" when your intuition and body is telling you no. You don't owe anybody anything! Big hug.
Inner Integration 😘 Thanks to your brilliant advice. I've watched many Narc videos but I particularly like your style of delivery. It is clear, articulated v.well. Big Hug to you too! X.
StarlightnDust o girl i feel u i know when i am free they probably wont go away but dont give them your power! Strongs💪
I love you M you are so perfect for helping us sensitive ones as well others but as an Empath, I appreciate your compassionate way of helping
Now we are asking real questions! Thanks Merideth
I developed inflammatory auto immune illness but I removed myself from toxic people and focused on myself and I'm in a much better place, health wise
One of the best ways I have found to block out emotional/verbal attacks and garbage when with someone is to always keep a pair of headphones around your neck or on you, where you can easily and quickly plug them in and put on some other input that immediately blocks it out - like music. They can't do anything while you do that, unless they physically reach out and pop out one of your earphones, and in that case, they would be becoming very outwardly aggressive and rude, which a narc never would want to display. No one in their right mind would go up to someone and pop out an earphone. You have this as a reliable defense.
I have dealt all my 30 years of life with a complicated overt & covert mixed case :) I see it now clearly! :) I understand every narc. video to the fullest! :D
This 'you already knew that you were alone" is so true. I wish that we could tell everyone that instead of hitting them with so much victim blame. So much, "you liked it". Our society further abuses the abused.
Omg I connect so much to the bit about being programmed (around 7 minutes). It's so severe for me I outright consider myself to be brainwashed. The moment I realized I was a zombie unable to say no is the moment my healing really began 🧡
very helpful and I needed to hear this...Thanks.
1 DECEPTION
2 DESTABILIZATION
3 DEPENDENCEY AND DREAD
4 DISCONNECTION
5 DEVELOPING THE PEUEDO PERSONALITY
6 DESENSITIZATION
I have been practically binge watching all your programs and I want to thank you so much. I talked with my man. he is totally dening that he ment to hurt me...I was like ok maybe tgats true, I mean how could someone want to hurt me, I'm super nice. but then he said that God would show me that...he did try.....so I'm realy confused...I asked God a while ago and I know he made the picture clear for me that this man was clearly making it a point to hurt me..mentally and my man wasnt suttle about showing me that he has no respect on things he did. he is trying to put it in Gods hands now.
BEAUTIFUL information !!
Very helpful & Thank You Very Much !!
Thank you sweets, I've needed to hear everything you've said. ❤❤❤
Listening to this is reminding me of many things my boyfriend did that told me he had been the wrong choice. Thank you for this video.
You’re amazing in your explanations. Thank you for clarifying/ confirming/explaining things.. it clears out the fog. Intuitively one knows but have no way of verbalizing it, meaning putting it into words because of it I would doubt myself. Thank you!!
Yes, Meredith. Good ideas! Thankyou.
6:57 ..holy shit! ..this explained a lot about why I never said no.
thank you for this video it has help me understand my situation in more ways than one.
Thank you. This is so eye-opening.
Thank you Meredith for this video. I finally found the clue. That little hole for toxic content to flow in my life. The weak point in my character and where did it came from. At this moment I'm overwhelmed with fear how toxic I am for my child, did I pass toxic compassion or whatever on him and can I do anything to make things better.
You know what I just realised?
That often times when we decline something like engaging in conversation or touch... we start by saying "IM SORRY, but I prefer not to talk/be touched right now.
Its insane that we even start our assertion with IM SORRY, because what is there to even be sorry about?
It shows me that this fear of the reaction from others and how they perceive us when we express our limits runs really deep in almost everyone😮
That s my case. I was sexually used or seduced as I child, and I didn t cry, I thought it was a game. Yet, now when I look back, nobody would have care. How did this guy have access to a 3 or years old child, alone to do such things? Because there was no parental guidance. My parents could t care less.
Holistic Energy Medicine Approach ❤
disturbingly accurate, everything
Boom! Thank you!
This has been very powerful for me thank you
Right on, Meridith!!!
I think the description of the conversation in 15.21(bla, bla, bla) describes how it really sounds: The conversation with someone who makes you doubt about everything !! It's such a pity when you even doubt your own feelings and your perspective and perception!!
Thank you, Meredith, for this enlightening video
Love your vids, keep em coming.👍
Big hug!
Profound wisdom and clarity. I truly appreciate you sharing your knowledge coupled with a solution based presentation. You clearly know your stuff. I didn't see the link you suggested at the end for $10 I will look again.Huge thanks to you.
Great video! Thank you so much! I'd also like to add a 3 day late happy 1 year anniversary Meredith! You rock! :)
Thank you! Big hug.
I'm rarely ready on time, so the early thing really gets me! 😕
Thank You Meredith! You explain everything so clearly! I love all your vídeos!
I know you posted back in 2016, but for 2018 dec 6- I saw this, and it is exactly what i needed! Thank you! i love your videos!
Thank you so much for the answers!!!
He touches me all the time and sits behind me on the couch.. And every time I cringe ,I hate him and I put up with it just to save the drama. I'll. Lost my ability to say no.. I am in hell
Meredith, this was extremely helpful to me! Thank you--great video! I'm going to rewatch it and then write an article and put this link on my blog.
Take NO action at all! Stop giving them creatures power! I'm very sick! And I have too many problems. Physically and dealing with heart break💔
Melissa Tosado
Same you are not alone.
💓💕🌹🏵🌷
From watching this, I realized that I've been wanting to appear compassionate when I'm not. The narc has been using my fear of appearing uncompassionate to play me.
My narco-mom never misses an opportunity to patronize me. It genuinely enjoys regarding me (scapegoat child) with contempt 100% of the time.
Thanks, 'Mom' !
It’s so hard to fight for your rights when the heart is so broken
Thank you thank you , thank you ❤
This. Feeling that nobody is going to hear my cry for help. ...
i like the big hug i get at the end of these videos
but I would have to say even though you go no contact with someone which you should,you still use compassion because otherwise anger will eat you up inside. the: forgive them for they know not what they do non judgement ,really will help you. but don't interact anymore
Susanne C true
Excellent Sis!
💔💝❤
Yes and it went south with everyone! Now I'm stuck to deal with this crap on my own!
i had one of those god awful dreams. my nmom was terrorizing me and i tried to escape, run away, but i coulnt run. i was in extreme slow motion, and she was running circles around me literally. taunting me and my inability to run like that. it felt like i was running through thick mud. and she kept yelling and criticizing and laughing at me telling me what a loser i am. i just needed to get away but i couldnt and i was panicking and crying and i felt so helpless. and then i woke up. i sprang out of bed, covered in sweat and breathing like i just ran a marathon. worst fucking shit ever. wish i could say that was a one time thing.
Thank you! Very helpful!
Thank you so much, Meredith! You are so good at what you do, I admire you so much! I just listened to your awesome Podcast, and I was wondering if it's the same content. Yet I think it's not, right? Congrats & keep on crushing it with such vital information & advice! And you look super beautiful in video! 🙌💜
The podcast is different. Some of my earlier episodes from almost 2 years ago had clips from RUclips after an Intro but nowadays it’s all original, long-form content. Actually there’s a fairly recent episode on setting boundaries on compassion if you’re looking for more on this topic.
@@InnerIntegration You are amazing, thank you for taking the time to respond! Yes, I will love to keep watching your RUclips videos, listening to your Podcast; then reading your book & taking your courses . Thank you for all you do and help the world! 🤗👏