Options for "scapegoats" and "black sheep"
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- Опубликовано: 3 дек 2024
- veteran family therapist describes the origins and core causes of two stressful social dynamics - "scapegoating" and "black sheep." He refers viewers to a free Web article which gives perspective on these two stressors and proposes specific options on how to manage them effectively - sfhelp.org/rela...
The worst part of scapegoating is, we have no people in our lives. No family, and the damage to our self esteem this dynamic causes throughout our developmental years, is carried throughout life. I hate my "family", it was like some punishment from hell to be born.
@Jayne Hathaway; I feel exactly the same way :-( .
Jayne Hathaway I imagine that one has runaway to rescue themself. This is the opportunity to make a new life. Aloneness gets less painful as you learn self nurtureance and focus on the best new future you can have. I spend Holidays alone and after 3 years they are now quiet fun. No more numbing myself with unecessary calories wine included ...no more people who pretend to like you. Speak to you in monotones because they seethe with rancor. Practising self compassion meditation (it is a thing) helps me and I am over 50 so it is never too late. Best of all I now recognize disrespect from othees and walk away sooner...the past had trained me to put up with it until my health got bad....I now notice my own shortcomings and remedy them one by one. I had embodied my conditioning. I have some work ahead and am looking forward to chapter 4. Hope that if you see this albeit 4 years later...it helps.
+Camino Catina It helps me in 2018 !
Thats my life exactly, its like a curse,
OMG ... EXACTLY HOW I FEEL EXACTLY
Luci: I cut my mother off 4 years ago. The only regret I have is that I have no contact with my father now. My siblings are not healthy enough to break away, but in order to keep my sanity, I had to. I will never go back. The narcissistic mother is unrepentant and abusive. Why would you go back to that? Three things to do, try to work it out, low contact or no contact. My answer to no contact and she didn't even care, never loved me anyway. I have no regrets.
When I was a kid at home, I was the scapegoat and now I am the banished black sheep. I have walked away from the dysfunction and psychological abuse.
In my opinion, you're better off. They are mentally ill.
Me too
I just want to say to all the suffering scapegoats out there God doesnt see us as that...and its the marginalised Christ died for but He passes on by proud pharisees (who look down on others)...they are not His Church...and one day soon He will put everything right...x
Karen Watson I appreciate your comment but I doubt anything will put right considering what some have been through including their children making way for all these changes makes you feel like just a number. I am finally giving up doing any major work I was doing I wasn't looked after and neither were my children cause I was so focused on helping.
@@michellemann3245 Dear Michelle, thankyou for appreciating my comment and I agree we cant help those who refuse to see they are wrong in their behaviours, best doing what you said, focus on yourself and your own needs and let them get on with it...I tried to make relationships work with these people but they never see any fault in themselves..its a waste of time x
I am 1000% black sheep & scapegoat! My siblings primarily have rejected me my entire life & every time they unleash rage on me it's always my fault! They do nothing wrong when in reality they both bully me. I'm 35yrs old, it's not a matter of immaturity, they're in their 40s. My parents have ALWAYS instantly sided with them against me, Always! I can't win, I can't even break even. It's exhausting, hurtful & as my parents age, I constantly fear being all alone once they're gone. It's not fair, it's so mean! They're so mean! It's an awful role to play
the best revenge is success. re=train your mind to understand that you deserve better. A family of friends can easily replace a family that shows no respect to you. Ask yourself, how is it that friends can treat me so much better than my immediate family? It's not your fault they do this.
HurricaneKitty67: Here is an idea to your problem... disowned your entire family and any relative that's connected to them... blood makes you related, bond makes you family... go create your own family and fuck everyone else... if it makes you feel better, you can even change your last name to make it official...
Quit being a victim....... my friend
@Deplorable Cat Wow that's crazy to think even when they become old they are still the same. What a crazy life.
Get away from those DEMONS
Scapegoating has gone on in my family-- My Mom always blamed me for everything, so my sisters and brothers blamed me. I dealt with this by trying to please everyone, and I never developed personally or professionally because of this-
+gorillatwist mine too. my family sends me any my sister to counsellors forever to talk shit about eleanor and i am always the one who goes oh for fucks sake make eleanor improve her parenting and I became estranged because I got sick of paying her debts and always sort of through to myself "parents are supposed to buy the kid shit not the other way round" and I wanted to spend my money on myself and my boyfriend and keep my stuff instead of having eleanor give to her friends and call me a selfish bitch for not being ok with that
I understand.
The never developing part is real. Hugs. 🤗
Sorry to hear. I'm understanding that by trying to be who they wanted me to be was impossible for me and I would always self destruct. You're not alone.
Accept your family adults inhyerited psychogical wounds which have affected you; (2) focus on redeucing your own wounds over time; (3) grieve losing the ideeal family you've never had; (4) seek to for5give other family adullts for their favoritism and rejection; (5) consider confronting one or more of yoir adults about how they treat you to protect your integrity..
gerlach God bless your Soul dear Pete Gerlach. I have learned so much from you. May you Rest in Peace or get back down here to keep your work developing new healing modalities. Bless you either way.
even if they are a narcissist?
Exactly!!! My hideous mother is a munchausen narcissistic parasite and has turned the golden child brother into her surrogate husband that is akin to Norman bates - fuck narcissistic ppl like this I'm running a mile
@@concard1000 that's why confrontation is not recommended.
@@concard1000 I wouldn't. It you can: work on forgiving them from a distance, because it won't benefit them the least, and you will be free and not bitter (which will make you sick). Most likely an ongoing process that may have to be repeated though, and is hard. Way better than bitterness. I haven't fully succeeded yet, but hopefully it will gradually happen..
I wish I had known Pete. He seems a very kind man. And he has left all these videos for us to benefit from. Thank you and God bless.
I recognized my brother as a narcissist long ago, but I did not fully recognize my mother as an extremely damaging individual until after her death. I finally realized how much harm she helped create by enabling my golden-child brother to hurt others, first me and then my children. She played me like a violin, 'oh, how could you say that? . .. Acting like I don't care!'. Then she'd go off on her martyr act.
Mary Ann Brackman my brother is also a narc. I find my mother believing everything he says, and does all the hoovering on his behalf.
Your comment is 3 years old and I hope you're doing better with this for the time that's passed. my father died about three and a half years ago and I last week finally put together why what he said never matched what he did. I'm the scapegoat my brother well half-brother is The Golden child and next narc. it's been a couple of days since I realized the one parent I have left and would like to be real and is 77 (I am 48) has been a manipulative martyr at best from the beginning, and a backstabbing betraying smiling-while-throwing-me-under-the-bus monster tanking every good thing I put together when making lemonade out of whatever lemons either of them last splattered on me then punishing me for that never staying and never staying away either. She doesn't want a funeral (works that out supporting a notion that not to get one spares her the embarrassment of me showing up there surely, and bonuses her to place shame and guilt on me in the meantime), but feigned an honest commitment to reconciling our estrangement which she manufactured the cause of a couple of years before my fathers death to hop on me like a tick to check out his funeral and jump back off within a week while allowing me to know that she had a chance to smooth something over with someone that will affect me for not the rest of my life but 19 more years as it goes now and passed on it. A blind man who'd never met her can see this bitch wants a funeral, is obsessed with funerals, and told me when I was a teenager one time she was so worried about me she planned my funeral. LMFAO I didn't clue in then unfortunately but I told her today I was aware that no small part of why they'd scapegoated me was that usually the only things they ever had to tell me twice were lies and after the experience of giving anything at all of myself to any part of my father's death, funeral, or memory I see some truth. Told her after the lesson I took from that experience it's not like I would attend one for her at this point anyway, that I wasn't asking but thought it would be better also if she had someone other than me in mind to take the call when she does.die because I'm not going to be available for that either. The week after my dad's death I said come on Mom if anything you were a buffer and not an enabler take my hand now and let's let all of that die with Dad, she didn't want to abandon the sinking ship. As I've coped with him scapegoating me in his last will and tantrum people have asked where is your mother why isn't she furious and this is the only logical explanation. My father was remarried and divorced two more times and she actually managed to find and run off another spouse as well in the interim they had been divorced over 40 years she went strictly to take pleasure in my disappointment pain and suffering and did not mind compounding it in a way that I finally understand thank God even though there isn't one.. Three and sometimes even four birthday cards at my birthday every year (in that bitch's big showy cursive you just KNOW is so that if one or even two get lost in the mail there still isn't the remotest chance I'd even whisper to someone I think maybe my mom forgot my birthday). and I told her today I finally understand why I have so many of them unpened --dozens ....because fake shit tries too hard and there was something about that that was just icky. It's going to be good to burn them nobody forgives without seeing some justice or some vengeance along the way that they later try to downplay ,and to have a double whammy of this that's never even going to be meaningfully acknowledged seems like it makes having to forgive them to get better such a cruel joke. So I'm getting what small measure I can in what little ways I find it. You've been on this road longer. How likely do you think it is across similar situations for one finding himself in it to be worse off for waking up late from this evil than he might be to never recognize it at all?
My mom is too weak and that is why she enables, they run over her…if my dad was alive they’d never get away with it
In my case: Sister, mother and father. The unholy trinity
You can counteract shaming behavior by (1) putting your true2 Self in charge, (2) evolving a personal Bill of Rights, (3) learning the communication skills of assertion and empathic listening, and (4) asserting your boundaries and consequences firmly and respectfully. You don't have to be a victim!
Thank you gerlach for excellent insight into an age-old problem. Being the nice guy in a competitive, aristocratic family, my dad decided to make an example of me being a failure and worked very hard to discourage me in any endeaver. For example, when I came out with an invention, he pressured me to give all of it for the other more important kids in the family. I didn't listen and held fast telling him "don't be too greedy invent something yourself" I got my name on the patent. The group had a low level of nurturance and i was always trying too hard to be liked. No matter how nice, law-abiding, and hard working i was it seemed I was already doomed to forever being the family scapegoat. When I became financially independent, then I started addressing the repressed anger, burned bridges called spades spades. It was amazing how many layers of anger had built up and it took months to a year to work through all the layers. But after a while I could finally feel joy and empathy again. It s wonderful to be normal, be a little tougher with adversaries yet kinder to real friends,
This is my story, but replace invention with successful startup and aristocratic to regular people except our parents are wealthy yet pretended to be poor. Following my father’s death, everyone is now falsely ingratiating themselves to my narcissist mother for a false promissory award. All of the money will go to only one or two siblings. I was going to be one of those siblings but I abhor the dishonesty, and quite frankly, theft from all rightful heirs, 4 of 7 of whom are not financially stable and relying on others kindness for living accommodations or financial support. I am the kind and empathetic one as well, law-abiding and a truth teller. I was once the golden child but I hated how fake the love felt from my mother and siblings. Everything about this family is superficial and delusional.
I'm a scapegoat, I have no friend since adulthood and no family. A lonely spirit in this world. 5 Christmas in a row alone... If someone is in my position feel free to reply :( It's suck to be the black sheep of a family you didn't choose.
Solitude is for smart people. Me too!
me too this will be my first Christmas alone and I’ll be happier for it
I'm a scapegoat too.... been alone ALL my life, now starting over from scratch at 55.... That's gotta be tuff enuff......
@Jessie L.A. Law of attraction... I will try to work on it really seriously this new year 2019. But I think as scapegoats it can be really hard to change. Scare of getting deceive again for the x amount of time... Thanks for the reply.
@Jessie L.A. Happy New Years to you too! I'm starting to think the only people that can be real friend with us would be... other scapegoats!!! I'm gonna try to attract other scapegoats to me. Maybe there is a solid solution there... Thanks again for your replies.
You can (1) assess yourself for psychological wounds and reduce theml (2) declare your rights as a dignified person (sfhelp.org/relate/keys/rights.htm.), and (3) use these ideas on reducing excessive guilt: sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds/guilt.htm.
Peter Gerlach, I only hope that the peace you're experiencing in whatever comes after life continues to multiply for you forever. These videos have been helping me so, so, so much. I almost wish you could be my therapist, but, of course, that would require necromancy...and that shit's crazy.
I'm glad for this because it gives me more direction in healing from black sheep treatment. This treatment has made me too afraid of rejection by others. I often crave reassurance or approval but hide it as well as possible because I basically have believed I do not deserve respect, compassion, comforting, to enjoy success, to feel okay if I make a mistake, forgiveness, returned love, to complain or reveal poor treatment to those inside certain circles, sometimes to ask for help, especially protective, and other things. As you can see, I have a lot to do, but I am willing and no longer feel overwhelmed to see I have been unable to take care of me well. I do not want to act toward myself as some have acted toward me and it is easier to be braver and to learn to love myself than to suffer all of the symptoms of CPTSD. So I am working hard. Little steps at a time. These videos help me to set goals. I do believe everyone deserves the things I listed. So some day I will have comfort I deserve them too, maybe, and if not, then I will continue to live as kindly and lovingly towards others as I can.
For me, the scapegoating carried over to the extended family. They saw and heard how I was treated so they joined in. I come from a very large extended family and not one speaks to me.
Likewise here for several years, you’re not missing anything dear, you’re much better off without their toxicity….I know I am🙏
@@stellamartin1145 thank you.
Spiritually, Hannah hurnard has written the best story about the scapegoat living a full life, the book is called Hinds feet to high places. What's weird is when you heal and no longer seek approval from outside these very same freaks will try to include you, just to have the inner peace you have attained.
I will live in different continents if i have to
Dear Peter,
You are a human being of the highest order. Your videos move and enlighten. You are saving lives.
You're an advanced soul with compassion and sincere empathy for other human beings emotional plight.
I wish we could have known each other for many decades. I'm praying for you and want you to know that your sincerity is much appreciated.
May God (the universal creator) walk with you always. You are loved.
Your post makes me want to cry. It's heartbreaking, as are several here. I came out of this same kind of stuff. You can. I hope and pray you will. Pete's resources are awesome. I hope they help you!
Bless your spirit forever and ever... Thank you eternally for your gift to a suffering humanity... your videos bring redeeming value
I'm the black sheep of my family. I like your idea about the serenity prayer. I am a pleaser and a muse. I have felt that I am responsible if others are not happy it is up to me to comfort or cheer them up. I am so much happier than I was I the past. I see plenty of room for improvement. Thanks.
Thank You So Much Peter for sharing all your hard work here and on your website. In two years of COM classes we discussed self talk for about five minutes and I was dissatisfied to say the least. I have been on a self-help path for a while and I am glad I found you. I look forward to finally finding some relief and some real growth from your process. Thanks for making this available. I wish you all the best! Much Love!
You are right on sister. Read the book YOU'RE NOT CRAZY - IT'S YOUR MOTHER. Wonderful book, tells all about the malignant narcissistic abusive mother, all the descriptions of narcissistic mothers and enabling fathers.
Earl Nightingale said - "Cut yourself away from the average, the mediocre and chart your course on the dream in your heart." From the '13 Principals of Leadership'
I wish there were a list, but in all my research since 1979 I have never found anyone who describes the [psychological wounds + unawareness] cycle as I see it. This dumbfounds me, because it seems so obvious and important! There are many books on parts of the cycle (like the toxic effects of childhood trauma), but none that tie all the parts together Some of the readings I've found helpful are here: sfhelp.org/site/research.htm
I encourage you to read "Healing the Shame that Binds You," by John Bradshaw; and patiently study online "lesson 1" at sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm. Questions = welcome!
They know exactly what thy are doing. That's just plain old evil.
Thanks greatly gerlach for providing a calm consuling about a very sensitive topic. I have struggled to make my own pain from scapegoating into a positive outcome. Its not easy and revenge is always a temptation, but will consuling sessions basically available 24x7 like this, I've remained productive and law-abiding.
Thank you so much for these vids. I am learning alot from them and how to deal with childhood trauma and dysfunctional upbringing. I am finally able to no longer take on the shaming and rejection as I am able to love and forgive myself and forgive others.
Bravo! Your experience is testimony to and inspiration for others seeking to do what you have done. For more options, see online Lessons 1 and 2 at sfhelp.org. They're free and ad free.
Very interesting and also educative to learn the origin of the words! I noticed that you included the related topic "bullying" in the web article. A video on bullying would be very helpful, since it is unfortunately very present in our society. Thank you.
I agree. I plan to expand my existing writing on bullying, and make a related video.
Sounds very familiar. I'm currently in therapy dealing with what you describe. I realized that I have been grieving for a long time over the family I never had but I'm in the process of healing wounds and moving on. If possible I would strongly recommend therapy. It has really changed my life for the better. Best wishes to you.
Thank YOU. I'd e very interested in hearing your reaction to the lessons. If you have questions along tje way, please ask!
This combines with attachment disorder, or lack of attunement. Have you planned on doing any video's on attachment and how it works with scapegoating?
I think that people who abuse are not just ignorant, they are cruel. A decent person would make the effort to learn.
Not only cruel, but selfish, too.
I see it now...My ex was the black sheep of his family in that he didn't follow in the footsteps of his brothers, left school, hated school, the next youngest in his family of 5, very stubborn and was sent to fight in World War II, got wounded, came back a very angry person. He succeeded in living his life but always depended on his older sister, she held the money, she ruled him and he took care of her till she died at the age of 100. She wanted to live for her money....and control of the family home and my ex.
My ex never stood up for me, and I was never accepted by that closed in family
they needed my ex to care for the old homestead...didn't want him to marry or leave. I was the one who got my ex's anger.
I was the one to blame when there was no cause at all. I was his victim. and I felt stuck without enough support to leave. my children and I needed his help...whatever it was and he loved his son and the children. He was Santa but I was the one who taught, who disciplined, etc my kids didn't need much discipline except for my oldest child, a daughter who rebelled against me and for a few years now, she doesn't get in touch there is a tension between us....she's got a personality like my Mother not me.
I am more like my beloved Pepere and two grandmothers. thank goodness they were in m life.
Thank you so much for sharing your information about this. It is very helpful to me. (Hope, awareness, education and empowerment) Hope to begin actually processing and moving beyond unhealthy family dynamic rather than allowing myself to be negatively impacted. Time to shift from unable to defend myself to empowered and self-protective. (THANK YOU SO MUCH! Life changing information! Beginning new approach to handling old problems.
Thank you so much for your patient insights. They have been very helpful. My sister and I figured out that our family has a 'hive mind" and rigid expectations. We never did follow the rules very well. We were black sheep and scapegoats and paid a heavy price for decades. But I believe we are better off because we think independently. I wish I could coax some of my family members out of the hive mind. One in particular takes on much personal responsibility for the group and is so unhappy.
I love your honesty and simplicity. I have been the black sheep and am currently I a relationship where I am being scapegoated by my husband's family. This is a pattern that continues in my life despite my being aware of it to varying degrees most of my adult life. I have 'asserted' myself early on, which only made the poor treatment escalate. My family participated in the alienation of my two older children. I have found the only option is to cut them out of my life. Could you address this topic please? The reaction of the 'group' when you cease to permit yourself to be treated poorly?
You have other important options. See sfhelp.org/relate/scapegoat.htm
@Kimberly Hope wow I have had similar experience my family, friend's family, partners family ect
@@gercacn i am having problems opening this link. Is there anyway you can check the format or find some other way to make the article available ? Thanks for your wisdom and the help you give to so many people in this painful situation.
Thank you - Namaste
You don't have to endure being a victim - see sfhelp.orgcx/options.htm.
I adore this prince of a man. He has helped me significantly
Narcisism is a symptom of an underlying problem: inherited psychological wounds from early-childhood abandonment, neglect, and abuse ("trauma"). These wounds promote family dysfunction, including black sheep and scapegoat roles. See sfhelp.org/gwc/gwc.htm.
My children are grown now, and I feel so guilty for falling for my mother's 'poor me' act. When I witnessed M. supporting my brother's bad behavior when he treated my children contemptuously, and I spoke up about it, she made excuses and started her martyr act. After I realized how damaging the situation was to my sons, I should have broken off contact. I knew it would continue because she enabled him and then denied it. He developed into a fake passive-agressive individual with illusions of grandeur. Such a waste!
I respectfully suggest you let experience answer your question. With an open mind and a long-range view, study and apply "lesson 1" at sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm. See what happens.
Very enlightening and informative video. It has really helped me.
Not everyone loses with significant scapegoating and relationship triangle dynamics. One person I knew (past tense) thrives on it and in fact it is part of the system she instituted in her family to create a little society that she can control and enjoy manipulating to her own benefit. Normal people experience losses from this. Some people create it for their own gain, and that is a sad state of affairs.
Thanks for clarifying "asttunement." Apparently you were neglected and abandoned by your parents, and inherited makor psychological "wounds." I compassionately suggest you study "Lesson 1" at sfhelp.org/gwc/gyuide1.htm toward reducing your wounds.
Thank you so much sir. Im late I hope all is alive and well. Im still discovering me and this has been immensely helpful.
I hate my mother, I simply hate her. She encouraged my father to beat me so much he once broke my nose. She is the demon and the worst is that she passes as mother Teresa among friends and neighbours and all consider her almost a saint. She hated me since the day I was born. I am physically a copy of my father, she hated him I guess she couldn't have loved me. She loved only my brother and protected him from my abusive father, letting her husband do whatever he wanted with me. She also seperated me from my brother. My son has zero value to her, too, she hates him just as she's hated me. She absolutely adores and loves my brother's wife and children. My brother is aware of how disturbed our family is. He managed to set up his own family where there is love, compassion and zero abuse. He didn't have to be aggressive or protect his boundaries a lot because my mother's and father's frustration and anger were always directed towards me not him. I am in pieces because I still live with her and my son, as I cannot afford moving out. She completetly disabled me emotionally I feel as if I received a neuromuscular blocking agent they give people during surgery, working at the psychological level on me. A few years back I was physically unwell but at least I was much stronger mentally. Right now I'm both physically and emotionally unwell, and I guess this is what depression looks like although it's sooo not in my nature to be depressed. I still have some plans but I loose hope as days go by. I hardly see the light in the tunnel, it has never been as dark because in the past I had plenty of energy and tried to liberate myself from this home on many occasions, but I always came back as if she put a spell on me by saying "you can never make it without me!". I used to fight a lot with her, argue, tell her in tears how much she's hurt me but it was like talking to a brick wall, she used gaslighting, and always told everbody it was my fault whatever happened. Right now I'm at this point in my life where I can't even talk to her. Something broke in me some time ago and from a very expressive person I became numb in contacts with her although we live under the same roof. I simply cannot produce one sentence in return when she asks me about something and can't look at her. I physically can't. I don't believe in God but if there's some higher good out there I hope this torture of mine will soon be over.
I can accept that I am the Scapegoat but I am not a Victim....These people for lack of a better word including my adult children, my son is a very sick alcoholic too along with my father and uncle who have died from this disease could only wish to be as Fantastic, Kind ,and a Great Person as I am ,who has lived in Al-Anon meetings for most of my adult life...I've been the Rebel for most of my life and that takes sustained courage....I have climbed high and lost all but I have done it with as much Integrity as I could muster. I'm also pretty much alone which is difficult for an Extravert like myself however the more events I get through alone the more able I have had to become...I look back and wish I had taught my children how to spend a Christmas alone instead of feeling so lost and neglected. Not just anyone can be the Scapegoat. We are strong and need to embrace our fortitude and what we have endured and are still alive to tell. I really wish more people were like us we definitely make better friends because we know what it's like to not have many and how quickly they can walk away....🌠
I was looking for something in my email this morning and came upon some messages (I copies and pasted so I could remember) that, that cruel family of mine said to me - just unbelievably (or believably for them) mean harsh words that just cut a person (me anyways) to the core. I'm thinking about making a video about that right now.
I have been in "therapy" on and off again for twenty years trying to work things out. Taken a few life skills classes and a couple of weekend healing workshops to boot.....I am not sure which is still wounded and which is healed.
loved this video. Thanks so much for uploading
My narcissist made mistakes, I made mistakes I used to be afraid to die ,they even said I had a morbid fascination of death now that there gone WITH NO CLOSURE I am alone and I have to stay true and strong to the end if it's a heart attack, stroke etc that fear is forever ended and gone. To make up for my past I now see the other side of life I've been running from it since I was born I know I am strong I am the lone Wolf and I realise how stronger I am now....
I didn't lose any of them they lost me
Hello great video , i am going through the hurt now of not being invited to family functions, family all turned down invitations to sons wedding, and i wasn't invited to brothers sons wedding, this has been going on for as long as i can remember, brother is the family golden child who is never wrong and all fault is pointed to me, how to you over come the hurt? i must admit i lose sleep over this bad treatment,thanks
I don't see a connectiom between scapegoating and "attachment disorder" (an inability to bond), and I don't know what you mean by "lack of attunement." See my video on "emotional unavailability" in Lesson 1, or .sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds/bonding.htm
I ran away at 13, still had probs but not like when my orig fam was alive.
Superb
EXCELLENT VIDEO..probably the BEST out here!!
Do you have a list of top books or authors (besides yourself, of course) for breaking the cycle?
Why do we seek?
Is there any reason to seek a better future
if we're fully comfortable and content
with the way our body feels now?
When thoughts slow down,
you may notice that there is discomfort in the body,
which may show up in a myriad of ways: pain, anxiety, anger, or any other sensation or emotion.
This is part of the reason that we get addicted to thought-
because it’s an immediately available way to avoid or try to fix the way our bodies feel.
We won't be able to rest in presence for very long if we keep ignoring or avoiding discomfort.
Rather, we'll continue to follow thoughts about past and future. We'll keep trying to escape.
So, how do we bring direct attention to the energies of our body?
The first step is to acknowledge that you are feeling something.
We tend to acknowledge emotions and sensations first through the mind...
We might think, "I’m angry," or "I’m afraid of what might happen,"
or we may simply notice that something is bothering us...
But we can't feel emotions or sensations through thinking.
These thoughts are narratives or labels for how we feel.
They are not the actual energies themselves.
For example, if you have the thought "I have a stomachache,"
that thought is a label for something that is actually happening in your body,
apart from the thought.
In order to actually feel or experience the stomachache directly,
you would have to bring attention down into the stomach area
and feel it without thoughts on it.
The same is true for all emotions and sensations.
Once you acknowledge that you feel something or have been triggered by someone or some event, bring attention very gently to the body where you feel the actual emotion or sensation.
With your attention there, feel into the sensation or emotion,
and see if you can notice the peripheral space around it at the same time.
Let the emotion or sensation just hang there in that open space,
without trying to change, neutralize, or get rid of it.
It is common to want to change, neutralize, or get rid of bodily energies.
Just notice any tendency to want to do these things.
This is resistance at work, and trying to stop that resistance from happening
is simply adding more resistance.
Bear in mind that we give power to words, pictures, and bodily energies
by turning awareness away from them. And we diminish their power by turning toward them
and remaining aware of them until they fade naturally.
That one simple understanding, if turned into a daily practice, is highly transformative.
Regarding the issue. As a matter of fact their behavior has escalated. My sister is lying about her behavior in face of evidence and my mother and sister have chosen to believe her. After a line so sacred has been crossed, a refusal to even acknowledge the behavior, how is trust recovered? Remember the biggest victims here were my children as they were torn from the only parent they knew as their father is a malignant narcissist (yes I get his pain but he also chooses to remain in it which mean incredible abuse to those he targets and uses).
thank you sir for this information it makes much sense.
yeah, the excessively conspicuous "Normal" kind eh? Great point!
thanks pete!
Why do all good people need to die like for what reason.Havent sheep suffered enough at that time?!
Please address how to address the escalating response of those around you when you 'become healthy and whole'? It does happen. A lot.
(1) Keep your true Self in charge with lesson 1; (2) use the 7 communication skills in online lesson 2 to set boundaries, enforce consequences, and give respectful feedback; (sfhelp.org/cx/guide2.htm); (3) invite others to heal their wounds; and (4) use the Serenity Prayer often.
The below link does not address my question at all. I have been at this a long time 30+ years. I have been through lots of therapy and read lots of books. I have engaged all these suggestions. Again it has only escalated the behavior to the point that my eldest sister joined my ex-husband in an alienation campaign with my two oldest children. My ex-husband had been unsuccessful in this campaign and I enjoyed a close and loving relationship with my children. Until my sister joined him, mother and other sister ultimately. This was after I employed the techniques you mention. Not only did they refuse couseling they have refused to respond to all methods of communication
+Angela T that's called projecting
+Angela T & you don't know me at all, so don't say you've known people like me. You didn't make me feel bad. I am just sick to death of people who think they know someone else's life. Especially when they'd be better served focusing on themselves and what they do know. It's like an a disease of our culture.
You may have walked away, but I suspect you inherited psychological wounds from your unaware adukts. See sfhelp;org/gwc/guide1.htm
Made alot of sense. Was a scape goat, as far as black sheep, ?
This makes alot of sence. I was my whole childhood a scapegoat by my mother as i was a bastard as a result her her affair with her husbands brother. My siblings soon learned how to use me as well. As a result i became their blacksheep. I have been shunned and dont know why. I then married into a family that has used me as a scapegoat for27 years. My husband well... Ill just leave things alone now. Thanks much for this,great info and help in this video
Thanks for the insight 💚✌️
+gerlach thank you. I very sad to hear. I will look into applying. 😔💙✌️
Priceless advice! Pay attention!
With my family I am the emotional black sheep just because I am female and thus designated the lowest in rank in the family. Everyone in the family uses emotional blackmail to blame me for EVERYTHING without taking personal responsiblity for their emotions, their stuff and their actions. My father had a stroke and thus I'm his 24/7 carer but still get grief but I feel guilty thinking of leaving. How can I over come this guilt and escape this horrendous situation?
It sounds like you sibs have inherited significant psychological wounds from your ancestors. I encourage you to invest effort on healing by studying online "lesson 1" at sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm. Lesson 2 provides you with effective communication skills. Questions = welcome
What is the diffrence betwin scapgoat and black sheep?, i thaught it is the same
TY💓. 😩🤦SMH... THIS IS THE MOST HORRIFIC THING ONE CAN ENDURE🎯😔.
It can feel like that. But honestly I know being a narcissist surrounded by two others is actually worse. They will 99.9% for certain go to the grave at least as bitter and miserable, probably worse. Surrounded by only mirror image energy, if they are lucky and don't go last. Can actually feel pity for them when I think about it. We can choose, and there is no ceiling for our progress. Peace is available now for us!
will it help me get better if i traveled to another country??
almir no not unless you can get the tool’s too help phycology in that country otherwise moving change’s nothing I’ve learnt that one
Can you have a "nurturance level" in negative integers? I ask 'cause I'm around the square root of minus one on that! ;)
As for the Bill of Rights idea -- I love it! And it's knocked my on my arse (in a way). I've never before taken-stock quite that way, and I realise now just how many of my 'natural rights' are being violated _every_ time I interact with my so-called 'family'. I've felt it of course, but I've never attempted to quantify it like that. Great tool! And disturbing.
All of the below: check. Now what to do when their behavior escalates?
More of the same. Set and enforce your boundaries!
I think these videos are great but there has got to be something that can be done about that mike. Every Sss that is spoke comes across like a dreadful screech. Almost like a loud whistle every time an S is pronounced.
ROFLMAO 🤣🤣🤣
I think it should be important to note that when you reference a historical myth as a root for a term, that you explicitly explain that you are not in fact blaming the historical reference for humanity's current state of scapegoating the affairs of their life, thereby creating a scapegoat for people's psychological tendency to scapegoat. It would be important to note that the psychology came first, not a story for us to blame for it😁.
Hey man you look like a real scary angry dude, & that's kinda cool. But you make a lot of sense, & I'm going to watch a few more of your videos, great stuff!
What the hell its that alien noise during the video?
Thanks :)
Thanks i appreciate it
So what do you think about compassion to a narssist
My mom was the family black sheep till she died now they decided I will fill her spot. I guess I’m guilty by association.
Com mentor below. Eliza is correct I know too well.
PS: The black sheep here means the criminal of the family, which isn't me that is my sibling.
I am a scapegoat everywhere I go since birth
Can someone tell me why?
Well my therapist at the J. Bowlby centre would disagree with you! Lack of attunement is what happens if a mother can respond or recognise her baby's needs, also, this happens with adopted children and foster children. The family member who has no attachment can also be scapegoated I don't see why you don't see the connection?! I was sent away to school age 10, and never built relationships or bonded with my absent family.
alltough i have this on fullblast, this very helpful video is coming over extremly low volume. even compared with others. ,aybe it can be turned up, I don't know enough about this technology
Have to disagree sir. They know EXACTLY what they are doing to the black sheep victim. They THRIVE from this experience.
Yes that's me...Black sheep🖤🐑
Women who have been scapegoated in the family usually end up with abusive mates..we are used to taking a beating at home when we're children, we end up taking the beatings fom our mates..we already have a high tolerance for taking abuse..
Which job for the scapegoat when you are have chronic fatique. What happens when I begin suicide? I wish I was never born. It feels that I am in my whole life was a scapegoat. I wish I was a normal person like my uncle
We can't hear you
I recently deliberately scapegoated myself,in order to save a young female employee who walked out of a Job,i falsely took part blame for her leaving I told my supervisor this also to instil a sense of guilt in him because I know he said something rude to her that made her walkout ..hopefully she will come back soon as I know she has no other job,
We also have 2 scapegoats and 1 Golden Child. I am one of the scapegoats but my cousin is the golden child always. I hate him because of it.