Except they are and they will be in for a rude awakening on Judgement Day as their master 🐍 will be in for a very rude awakening. They better repent in good time. They’ve been warned. ⚠️⚠️⚠️
I have no reason to apologize to my narcissistic family members. Walking away from them has been the best thing to ever happen to me. Thank you God 😊 ❤
You're lucky you're financially independent and can monetarily afford to cut ties. Some of us can't walk away because we are still financially dependent on narcissistic family members due to physical or mental illness disabilities that they crippled us with due to chronic abuse that affected our health so severely it stunted our earning power and left us unable to generate enough income to be 100% fully self supporting in this extremely harsh economy.
@@PassionateFlowerYes!!! And then they call A mental health specialist for you and follow on the meeting and when I intend to show the person how F uped it is that I didnt make the meeting myself in my own power and she just took that freedom over me, she keeps sahing ”i just always want your best im just wanting you to feel better” while she is the one literally keeping me in a state of unworthiness and worry and feeling stuck without energy to turn my life around and get my own financial independencd because they siphon my energy so much on the daily. And my friends never understood the seriousness of the situation and I was ashamed of it so I didnt speak up about it because for q long time I thought everythibg was my fault and the gaslighting got to me. ” ”Everything I do is wrong ” ”In such a bad parent arent I?” ”After everything Ive done for you” when I speak up about standing on my own feet and that I cant be controlled anymore. I got out once but then I had to move back in because finances. And I got scammed on money too because Ive been acting so naive and open to narcissistisk tendencies and people becayse thats all ive ever known basically since family is your first example. And I tend to internalize the victim words they put on themselves ” I cant believe you are doing this to me” and I am so confused what I even did wrong and cant get out of the mindloop of their words in my head. Ive been in therapy all my life and the damage is basically just what they have programmed in to my brain. Im not intending to be spiteful and I am always just wanting everyone to be happy and peaceful which makes this whole situation very heavy. I believe they see me as an extension of themselves. I even told them you chose to give birth to me. And then they say ”What?!? How can you say that?!?! You are supposed to not be a burden to your parents, you are not doing what you are supposed to do” ”When you are a parents your kids will always be kids no matter how old they are” Ive always felt like I just want to run away but these big walls are keeping me stuck and since I internalized I had no inner strength and love for myself left to change it around and felt like I was too ”mentally sick” to function in society. And the funny thing is when I actually got better and just felt universe/god love and trusted that I got messages from my sister ”mother will collapse soon you are worrying her so much how can you do thus”
For real. It shouldn’t ever be laced with toxic shame like that. It should not feel crushing or hopeless or get you going down the self hatred and self punishing “beat yourself up” road. I think there should always be at least twice as much grace as there is any “correction.” But narcs and such have zero grace. Plus it tends to be with them a lot more patronizing and not as their human equal (like inappropriate “positioning”).
Apologizing when you’re not wrong is also enabling their bad behavior. They know now that your apology is their “permission” to do it again. And do it again, they will.
I will always apologise for my own mistakes, I will never apologise for what are not my mistakes. Whether I’m dealing with a toxic person or not, I don’t let them change my behaviour or integrity. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s a huge red flag if someone can never admit any culpability at all.
I agree. I think the problem is when you apologize and expect something in return. As long as you are just cleaning up your side of the street with no expectations, i see no problem. The only time its a bad idea is if a) your apology will harm someone somehow b) you are no contact and placing yourself or others in danger by re-establishing contact
This happened to me! When I called my g/f out for the way she was talking to me, and it was obvious, she wanted me to take part of the responsibility. I told her NO. I am not going to apologize for defending myself and the problem is not ME! She didn't like that and we haven't spoken since and that's ok. I'm moving on. 😊
Exactly what I went through, my ex bf put down my depression, saying it’s drama, saying my moms death is drama. I’m pathetic and only looking for attention, I stood up for myself, I said” you do think you are? Your no body, this is why your birth mom doesn’t want anything to do with you, I told him he will be lonely man in life, and I said things to cut deep, of course I didn’t put down his heritage or religion or anything, just who he is as person. It def burned his ego. But sadly I apologized, my friends were mad at me. I can see why, he called me B..ch and I said “ okay😊” I didn’t want him to think he got best of me. I been his mental punching bag to long. Finally I stood up for myself, my depression is biggest part of my life, I had a lot death in my family, and I’m adopted. So depression it’s deep for me. Plus lost my mom 3 years ago. I had enough of him. Good for you standing your ground
Stand up to them. If you don't they will get worse. I was way too passive at first. No more insults, bullying, Invalidating, lying. It feels so good to stand up for your worth!
Apologies seem to belong in a healthy relationship dynamic where there is mutual respect, reciprocity, and personal accountability on both sides. They simply don't work in toxic relationships.
Yes, they always tell on themselves, things they mention or things they go around telling people all the things you did when it's them doing it. They aren't very smart really, the ones I've seen anyway. Niceties and how you act with other regular people in good relationships don't apply to these people. Only mistake I ever made was letting anybody around me ever and not sticking them first, true. I never started it but I always finish it. I don't do those things and always tried everything to avoid it and people always forced my hand but that is how you beat a crazy person is be crazier, flip that table on them everytime, I hate that I always had to become everything I hated to beat them, they all came for me and I got a solid track record, I'm still standing, none of them doing so good last I knew, How You Doing? My friend Raspuchia (Norbit/Eddie Murphy) will be paying them a visit for some money on those books. I will also be paying for a book subscription for them while locked up, books to become educated, to be a better person, self help... Do what you gotta do though when dealing with someone like this who has targeted you, like head spin around like the exorcist on them when you finally had enough, I guess maybe people do mistake kindness for weakness but ask someone ask anyone ask everyone about me, I am the one who always bullied the bullies, team underdog captain of the universe here, I always stood up for those who couldn't or wouldn't themselves, born with a shotgun in my hand, just a disadvantaged statistic always, cream always rises to the top, can't keep no good dog down, like I told them: You can't break me, you ain't got that kind of power! Only I can do that, true. Don't ever give them what they want. Never even been in a fist fight, punched a couple people who shouldn't have talked to me that way and always just scared them off with my mouth or my look, I never was really that big so smaller people have to rely on other methods than size or strength so my mind and my mouth has always been my weapons. Im just a girl but I have beat a couple abusers and they took it, I don't pull hair or slap, I hit like Mike Tyson.
This is an important message! THINK! don't do it. You don't need their acceptance. You don't need it! You just spoke truthfully - it needed to be said. It's healthy.
A lot of times, we end up apologizing for things we have no business being sorry for. Being in a narcissitic relationship is a sh*t show from start to finish. The narc makes sure of that. Don't apologize. Leave and don't go back.
Imagine that !!! I changed myself so many times . Did more and more . Wasn't even taking care of me . He needed me doing for him non stop . Waking him up for work as he was drunk , packing 3 home made meals for work , as he didn't eat at home . He'd say pack it for me .... I had to stop .
This really hot home for me, "I'm so sorry," and "I apologize," have been my middle name...and you're right its not coming from the right place, its just survival in a toxic environment.
It’s their guilt trip, the toxicity they spread is misplaced blame. Blame is their entire world view. Any forgiveness they rarely portray is fake. Toxic blame is not worthy of any apology.
When can you bring up anything ? Mine says walk away or locks himself in a room . I've gone outside and he locks me outside ...like he's 12 yrs old ! He can't hear what I got to say . He'll change the topic to say , a cat scratcher I bought . It's been used against me several times recently....it's like wow , your acting rude and nasty , let's blame me for a cat scratcher I bought that has no issue . It's an object!
And for sure God never shames me like that either. God is the only one who would ever have a right to, and could if He wanted to, but He never has once done that to me. Instead I was offered love, mercy, grace, kindness. Gentle guidance and was offered help with things I needed to change. I was also given future hope about it. God therefore is the only one imo truly qualified to personally “correct” an adult. Everyone else seems to be inept, blind and clueless in this area. But they shouldn’t be trying to play God to others in the first place.
I confronted a narcissist and his flying monkeys and I was rage at and call names for getting angry at them. I found myself apologising to their disrespect because they made me believe I was a horrible person, the disrespect didn't end and even got worse. It arrived at a point I was scared of expressing my feelings due to fear of being insulted again.
They always take anything they can or make up things to make you feel like it's you, but no deconstruct and shoot down or fix all their excuses why it's you, then what, what is it? Nothing. So it's not you why did they do it then? Can't get an answer. I always was the tree in the forest talking at people, wasting my breath, making all the noise don't think anyone ever heard a fukn thing. Terds don't have ears, terds get flushed always. Life is hard enough, assets not liabilities, liabilities always get cut. 🚽🔪
I'm already the scapegoat, always was and I will never say I am sorry! I'm not the one with a personality problem. I forgive them , but won't go near any of that nut bunch again.
I had a narcissist family member tell me to apologize to them yesterday...I said NO!!! Why would I apologize for something I didn't do....NOW I GET IT KEVIN...I GET WHAT THEIR INTENTIONS WERE!!!! THANK YOU!!!!
This is so spot on. By apologizing to my family members I effectively accepted responsibility for everything that was wrong in our family, and justified their long term mistreatment of me! Huge mistake!
Flawlessly explained Kevin! The biggest trap we can ever set for ourselves when dealing with a narcissist is to explain ourselves and to apologize to them! We have given them immense power over us in that moment! I had a friend who is stuck in this circle maze (hoping he'll change), for over 25 years!
I'm accepting the blame for nothing I did.. I dont do that anymore. I've gone radio silence.. I dont block anyone, I feel it gives them the power. My power is choosing not to communicate.
Blocking them does NOT give them power. It actually lets them know that you don’t want to have anything to do with them. Going radio silence is good but trust me, you could easily have a bad day in terms of keeping your boundaries and these master manipulators would fnd a way to sneak back into your life.
Ex never apologised for one thing! Told me to apologise, I said "no and I would do the same thing again because it was the right thing for ME". He couldnt handle my response! Called me a disgrace..hahaa!! Im a disgrace, so what, I couldnt care anymore what he called me, not playing his games so therefore I win😊
When you apologise to a narcissist they use it against you because they see it as a weakness and exploit you for the perceived wrong you did to them. By apologising to them you put yourself in debt to them, that’s how their crazy mind perceives it. NEVER apologise to a narcissist.
I like to think of apologizing to a narcissist as showing them where the crack in the armor is so that they can wedge it open even further. Narcissists are data gatherers, always looking for that strategic edge on how to get the upper hand.
I stopped counting how many times in my life I had to apologise to people for wrongs I had no share in and for things that I was not to blame for, just to restore peace again. These people will ignore you for weeks, if mot months. They demand that you kust admit you were in the wrong even if you are not. Otherwise, they just ignore you solidly for as long as you can endure for being excloded and isolated.
Narcissists see apologies as a green light for further abuse. They basically hear this: "I am sorry for making your abuse hard for you, I won't be doing this again, so you can abuse me now without any difficulties". They are ultimate abusers, and if you try to speak about normal relationships - the responsibility will be shifted fully on you.
I used Ho'oponopono thru the ethers. "I'm sorry you lied. Please forgive me for not believing you anymore. Thank you for the lessons taught. God loves you" I do not need her forgiveness. I need God's Grace, His healing, His peace.
I had violent parents and my only sister snd only brother found pleasure in abusing me. My sister had a young terrible death from alcoholism and my mother died all alone. I left home at 17 and married s monster because I was used to being abused. I got away with my life and nothing else. Life can be hard and nobody knows what you have been through. I don't share everything because of the shame I feel . I nevet went to no family funerals. Glad they were gone and out of my life. Thsnk you for listening snd csring.about people. We are often broken.🥀
Me too, married at 16, divorced and emancipated at 17. My narcissist mother got married the very next day and I wasn't invited. My husband was a cheater but I ended up in several abusive relationships after that. They prey on people who have been abused. Abuse against women is a real problem especially for someone who has always been abused. I know shame too, I hope nobody ever has to know that kind of shame the way I do.
You’re THE MAN Kevin! I’m going to follow your lead because you’re 💯% correct! STAND DOWN! No apology warranted! They WILL use this as a weapon, guaranteed!!!!!! RUN!!!
you are 100% accurate ! i spent 30 years in AA meetings and after i made ammends to my narc mother, she smear campaigned me & used everything i said against me years later. it was horrible & i experiences more ABUSE !
Not supposed to do amends if it can cause harm. Too many sponsors like to overlook that part of the book and think everything is black or white. Instead many do a "living amends" by living better from now on, avoiding the same mistakes. I would never recommend direct amends with an abuser. It is bad for everyone including the abuser.
SO TRUE, Kevin! Whenever I told my mother, "I'm sorry," all she would ever say was, "YOU SHOULD BE!" Finally, I stopped. Unfortunately, she is not the only person I have ever known in my life like that! (But they're not in my life now! THANK GOD!)
Thank you. Just recently while on the phone with family member said, "oh it's all my fault right?" Was hung up on. Will not answer my phone now if a call back.
Yep that's what they told me, it's all my fault. Yeah my fault for allowing them the opportunity to do that by letting them in my life in the first place. Being good and nice really never got me anywhere good.Next 40 years if I survive this or make it that far going to be different, changing my name too, I don't want anything the worst mother in the entire universe gave me. I never really liked it or felt like it fit me and it's not who I am, named after someone on a soap opera, I don't like soap operas, fake things or drama.
This is 100% how it went down. That FIRST TIME when i knew something was wrong was when I was given an ultimatum - either apologize for my "outburst" or "pack my shit and leave". JESUS almighty knows how MUCH i regret NOT leaving that same day. I would have saved myself sooooo much time and pain. Oh well. No time machine.... :(
Kevin, I really appreciate your unique content. Despite studying toxic behaviour and narcissism for years, I experience new insights during each of your videos. Thank you for what you do and share.
I really wish that I knew what narcissism earlier in life. I wasn't aware of narcissism until I was 47. I would have done so many things differently. One of them being, not being reactive to the narcissist when they pressed my buttons.
Narcissists rob us of so many things, starting with childhood. We all would have done things differently, but we didn't understand narcissism back then. Now we understand, and they cannot rob us of the ability to deny them narcissistic supply by telling them "no" or "no more" in regard to our future.
Years back, I had a friend/roommate with whom the relationship went toxic. I did apologize a lot in that relationship but only when I felt I had done something wrong. What frustrated me a lot was that I was the ONLY ONE apologizing. I had heard radio show personality Dennis Prager say years ago that if there is only one person apologizing in a relationship then that relationship is doomed to fail. I personally experienced this because over time the other person took my apologies for granted and I felt that while I listened to her when she said I had been hurtful and unkind, that never came back my way. At the end there was something that happened where I explained how she had been really unkind to me, especially at a time when I really needed to talk to her. I worked really, really hard for the apology that I had waited for in that relationship for 3 years. It was very hard to get her to admit that maybe, just possibly, she hadn't been 100% in how she treated me. After I walked away, I felt let down. You mean that it was that hard for you to admit you possibly might not have been right in the way you handled things? Seriously?!?? At that point, I gave up and afterward just let things go. I can't be in a relationship like that. It was just too damaging and not OK.
Everything you said in this video is so true. I've experienced this from my narc parents. I realized that I always apologized in order to appease them and keep the peace to avoid yelling, blaming, guilt tripping, and long lectures that go in circles. Last week, I stayed out later in the afternoon than I thought I would and got home two hours later than I thought I would. I never told my mom a time just that I'd be home in the afternoon. (I'm an adult but she has this weird thing where she has to know where I am at all times and wants me to text her often when I'm out and to tell her the exact time I'll be home) and when I got home she was livid. She was mad that I had forgotten to text her and mad that I didn't get home early afternoon. I explained to her that I had forgotten to text and I apologized profusely. Ironically my brother was with me and he could've called to but my mom wouldn't blame him (I'm the scapegoat). My mom got mean and said from now on she won't care if I die or if something bad happens to me. I apologized again and she was like "What? Do you want me to say I accept your apology?" And I told her not to if she didn't mean it. Then she gave me silent treatment. I learned that I will never apologize again. She won't accept them anyway and uses them as a weapon against me.
Omg…..this has really opened up my eyes! Currently in a situation where I have been wondering if I apologize to a covert narcissist. Now I know what to do. Thank you!
Because we know feeling of both sides been a loser and been a winner As a human being We must get through difficult hours l understand having all the comforts so long and had to give up is not an easy task. In a battle there is no winner or loser All are victims
In a relationship, why is anyone wanting to win ? Mine always says you win , I'm like eyes roll . Win what what was I looking to win ? I guess the game they play , that we aren't knowing it's a game ?
Wow, I have just apologised to my narc daughter and was willing to apologise again. I'm still waiting for her forgiveness three weeks later. Silly me, may as well have handed my cut out heart in a platter. Thank you for this.
Thank you for saying, no, we don't teach people how to treat us, we evaluate them. That takes away any guilt that, it was my fault. The last time I apologized, and the extent I went to, when I later thought back on the situation, I felt so pathetic. I learned a huge lesson there, so I'm glad I had that experience, it taught me to keep my self in check. After that, I ended the relationship.
I take notes and help teach my husband about his narcissist family. And keeping our distance has helped us to keep our sanity. Because being around them was draining and toxic.
My Grandchilden suffered horribly because I would blow up at their Mom. For 20 years she used me over and over. She always needed money and I always gave it to her because she needed it. BUT she was going out drinking and partying . I tried and tried to stop jumping her ass but I just couldn’t understand why she did the things she did but as I said my grandchildren are the ones that suffered. 😢 I was diagnosed with colon cancer with a 16% chance of survival!!!!! So I wrote her an apology letter but I haven’t talked to her in years❤
I find that my friends need to give me more than they take... they need to be reasonably "easy". If not, I disconnect. If they refuse I just let them know it's not gonna work out.
It resonates perfectly with my family members. I apologize to knowone. I’ve been disparaged by my brother for 55 years that was conditioned by my father and grandmother.
If you have blown it, lost your temper ,did something foolish or hurtful you should apologize. But I have found with a narcissistic it won't matter, they will never forgive and they use that as an excuse to punish you . They also will use it as an excuse for the shit way they treat you forever. My narcissistic wife is never wrong but I am recriminated again and again. I have also been blamed for things she has done , things she has done when I was not present. I have been the scapegoat for bizarre behavior, abusive behavior.
So true..my ex made me feel that I was at fault..we had language barrier and I felt like I was walking on egg shells..being mindful of what I say..because I didn't know when his next crazy emotion was going to come out? He thought he was always right and unapologetic for his wrong doings.
You'll never be right . Mine tells me stories of stuff I said and did , that just aren't true . He wants me to agree . I'm not crazy I know the truth ...
Further, as I am in court with a malignant narcissistic sibling, I am also glad that I have learned to simply say as little as humanly possible to her. That the likely picture of her schema is anger, relentlessness, supreme entitlement and absolute ignorance. Smallest, most frequently used business term has to be explained to her. But, be certain that they can be quite capable of turning all of that, into ruining you, in part, because the court may know they’re dealing with someone who isn’t wrapped too tight, take pity on their ignorance and they still have legal rights, despite themselves. DO NOT HELP THEM! Doing so is worse than being read your Miranda rights. Because anything you say can and will be used against you. Like my mother, she seems to feel, “I don’t care if I drive everyone in this courthouse insane, as long as I get what I want.” Thing is, - she probably has some of what she wants. But is too arrogant and entitled to even look for it. In my case, it’s possible that, even the judge is thinking “WTF”, yet unfortunately still has to apply the law, knowing that, for one litigant, it is akin to being dragged by a mule who is, again, both angry and ignorant. The ONLY good news there is, for myself, as I might actually lose the home I inherited, because of this, is that my sibling will likely take the same path as my mother, where no one will have anything to do with her. No regular person. No attorney. They simply want OUT!
I appreciate your strong spirit so much. Plus your perspective, insights, and healthy self protectiveness are so very helpful in real life. Many thanks 💘
- [0:00] 🚫 Apologizing to narcissistic individuals may not be effective and can even backfire. - [4:38] 🤝 Apologizing to narcissistic people can empower them and validate their perception that you are responsible for all the issues. - [6:18] 💡 Apologizing can subconsciously position you as the problem, leading to feelings of inadequacy and dependence on others' forgiveness. - [8:32] 🔒 Apologizing may unconsciously keep you in a state of needing their forgiveness, leading to overcompensation and boundary violations. - [10:02] ⚠ Apologizing grants narcissistic individuals permission to control and dictate your actions, undermining your autonomy. - [11:03] 😔 Apologizing can foster desperation and hopelessness, perpetuating a cycle of seeking validation and acceptance from toxic individuals.
I told him I’m sorry and hopes he will forgive me for xyz someday told him I forgive him, he snapped 😂 none of this is his fault not even sleeping with 5 different woman in 3 months 😅 when I just had his baby . My conscience is clear
Yeah 😅. By saying sorry to them for anything is a trap. Don't bother setting it for yourself. It's then all on you. Exactly. And, that is actually horrible. It's my experience that they also use counselors as enablers if they can. If the counselor or psychiatrist is not experienced with NPD. They are absolutely predictable.
Shit. I did all of these. Apologized all the time because I felt guilty for my reaction. Always felt like it was my fault for getting so mad, but then ended up so confused because I didnt understand how it was my fault. Ended up being told to go to therapy, I went and still go (now after being discarded). Everything is so confusing to say the least.
I follow the ever so wise promptings of Gods Holy Spirit in regards to this right conscience apology. Definitely with my older sister I usually cannot ever apologise, Because she will use it as a dagger back. So we are talking here about an arrogant punishing personality.
The only reason I have apologized to my narc. mom and husband; I was sorrowful for my sin, anger, bad words and mistreatment. As a Christian, I know when I am wrong .It is a true sorrow and normal, decent person do that. I guess these devils arent the ones in need of our apologies.
Thank you VERY much for validating why I've NEVER felt comfortable with that statement, which Dr Phil made popular many years ago! I thought that I didn't teach people to abuse me, especially if I hardly knew them and wouldn't stop, no matter how many times I "taught" them not to, anyway. In fact, I've been physically assaulted, along with many thousands of others, quite a few times for daring to stand up to highly narcissistic, or worse, individuals. ❤
Sometimes the non-narc has a normal reaction to the narc’s provocation,insults etcetera. The narc will then gaslight by saying “I can’t believe you’re getting mad about this”. “I was just joking”. “YOU need to take it easy”. The non narc knows that it’s ABUSE disguised as a joke. The gaslighting MAY cause (NOT always) the non narc into apologizing for their absolutely RIGHT reaction to the narc. In other cases the non narc is like “Nah I’m not apologizing. Every case is different.
This was such a powerful message that hit me so hard.... people in my life always make me feel like I am the one that is at fault even though I know I'm not but I end up apologizing
Never crossed my mind, wouldn't help anyway, we've all rolls to play and moms are martyrs keeping their kids safe, adults know better, why apologize for putting someone in their place!
For me an apology was a great way out and gave me the closure they never want to give. Basically if they continue thinking you’re so problematic you apologize for hurting their feelings and recognize you hurt them without even meaning to, that you can’t trust yourself around them and you should go your separate ways so they can be happy. ( SO YOU CAN BE HAPPY!) Now you have the excuse not to contact them and talk to them anymore because you’re so problematic. They treat you so bad like they can’t stand you, let them get what they are putting out and leave instead of trying to fix things and be better. Simply agree and leave. And they don’t like to be wrong. So if you’re agreeing you are no good for them, they are stuck.
Yesterday he needed my help tieing up a pepper plant . I said it needs a new pot . He said hold it just like this . Then complained . I don't get help . He did it dumb . Today I repotted it and put a stake in the pot , no help tieing it up ! Why is he always needs help , to yell at me , and I have no problems doing things alone , as I can't count on him . Or his answer is no I won't help you ...oh I gotta be there to have someone to yell at ! Weird
Narcissists don’t apologize unless they have an agenda
SOOOO TRUE ! 😖
Its a manipulation
Ding Ding Ding 🏆
@@StaticbrainBingo
So true!
With the right people you can't say the wrong thing , when your with the wrong people you can't say the right thing
Narc never apologize. They are never wrong
I'm not apologizing.. NPD survivor
Except they are and they will be in for a rude awakening on Judgement Day as their master 🐍 will be in for a very rude awakening. They better repent in good time. They’ve been warned. ⚠️⚠️⚠️
Never
Hell will freeze over before that happens!
I have no reason to apologize to my narcissistic family members. Walking away from them has been the best thing to ever happen to me. Thank you God 😊 ❤
You're lucky you're financially independent and can monetarily afford to cut ties. Some of us can't walk away because we are still financially dependent on narcissistic family members due to physical or mental illness disabilities that they crippled us with due to chronic abuse that affected our health so severely it stunted our earning power and left us unable to generate enough income to be 100% fully self supporting in this extremely harsh economy.
Exactly to both of you.
You are to be Congratulated!!
@@PassionateFlowerYes!!! And then they call A mental health specialist for you and follow on the meeting and when I intend to show the person how F uped it is that I didnt make the meeting myself in my own power and she just took that freedom over me, she keeps sahing ”i just always want your best im just wanting you to feel better” while she is the one literally keeping me in a state of unworthiness and worry and feeling stuck without energy to turn my life around and get my own financial independencd because they siphon my energy so much on the daily. And my friends never understood the seriousness of the situation and I was ashamed of it so I didnt speak up about it because for q long time I thought everythibg was my fault and the gaslighting got to me. ”
”Everything I do is wrong ” ”In such a bad parent arent I?” ”After everything Ive done for you” when I speak up about standing on my own feet and that I cant be controlled anymore. I got out once but then I had to move back in because finances. And I got scammed on money too because Ive been acting so naive and open to narcissistisk tendencies and people becayse thats all ive ever known basically since family is your first example. And I tend to internalize the victim words they put on themselves ” I cant believe you are doing this to me” and I am so confused what I even did wrong and cant get out of the mindloop of their words in my head.
Ive been in therapy all my life and the damage is basically just what they have programmed in to my brain. Im not intending to be spiteful and I am always just wanting everyone to be happy and peaceful which makes this whole situation very heavy. I believe they see me as an extension of themselves. I even told them you chose to give birth to me. And then they say ”What?!? How can you say that?!?! You are supposed to not be a burden to your parents, you are not doing what you are supposed to do” ”When you are a parents your kids will always be kids no matter how old they are”
Ive always felt like I just want to run away but these big walls are keeping me stuck and since I internalized I had no inner strength and love for myself left to change it around and felt like I was too ”mentally sick” to function in society. And the funny thing is when I actually got better and just felt universe/god love and trusted that I got messages from my sister ”mother will collapse soon you are worrying her so much how can you do thus”
This is so true...
They use your apology to confirm they are right and see you as a problem.
I can always appreciate constructive criticism.... Not abuse
For real. It shouldn’t ever be laced with toxic shame like that. It should not feel crushing or hopeless or get you going down the self hatred and self punishing “beat yourself up” road. I think there should always be at least twice as much grace as there is any “correction.” But narcs and such have zero grace. Plus it tends to be with them a lot more patronizing and not as their human equal (like inappropriate “positioning”).
@@SmearCampaignsAreEvil separate facts from opinions
Apologizing when you’re not wrong is also enabling their bad behavior. They know now that your apology is their “permission” to do it again. And do it again, they will.
U are right
Absolutely!
I will always apologise for my own mistakes, I will never apologise for what are not my mistakes.
Whether I’m dealing with a toxic person or not, I don’t let them change my behaviour or integrity.
Everyone makes mistakes, it’s a huge red flag if someone can never admit any culpability at all.
I agree. I think the problem is when you apologize and expect something in return. As long as you are just cleaning up your side of the street with no expectations, i see no problem. The only time its a bad idea is if a) your apology will harm someone somehow b) you are no contact and placing yourself or others in danger by re-establishing contact
This happened to me! When I called my g/f out for the way she was talking to me, and it was obvious, she wanted me to take part of the responsibility. I told her NO. I am not going to apologize for defending myself and the problem is not ME! She didn't like that and we haven't spoken since and that's ok. I'm moving on. 😊
Exactly what I went through, my ex bf put down my depression, saying it’s drama, saying my moms death is drama. I’m pathetic and only looking for attention, I stood up for myself, I said” you do think you are? Your no body, this is why your birth mom doesn’t want anything to do with you, I told him he will be lonely man in life, and I said things to cut deep, of course I didn’t put down his heritage or religion or anything, just who he is as person. It def burned his ego. But sadly I apologized, my friends were mad at me. I can see why, he called me B..ch and I said “ okay😊” I didn’t want him to think he got best of me. I been his mental punching bag to long. Finally I stood up for myself, my depression is biggest part of my life, I had a lot death in my family, and I’m adopted. So depression it’s deep for me. Plus lost my mom 3 years ago. I had enough of him. Good for you standing your ground
Moving on is always good.
Stand up to them. If you don't they will get worse. I was way too passive at first. No more insults, bullying, Invalidating, lying. It feels so good to stand up for your worth!
They will see the apology as a weakness and go in for the kill.
gospel truth. they are sick predatory freaks.
Exactly.
Exactly, remember they are a predator!
Apologies seem to belong in a healthy relationship dynamic where there is mutual respect, reciprocity, and personal accountability on both sides. They simply don't work in toxic relationships.
Bingo.
Extremely good statement, thank you very much : )
🥁
Great answer....apologies belong to healthy relationships.
Yes I tried that naturally it didn't work
also, an apology always ends up being an "admission of guilt" and paves the way for even more accusations. because well, you already "confessed" 🥴
If people are in the wrong they should apologize and many tiems these narcs never admit fault or apologize so we must sort out if we are at fault
Plus being an abysmal waste of effort for the non narcissist.
Exactly that
Yes, they always tell on themselves, things they mention or things they go around telling people all the things you did when it's them doing it. They aren't very smart really, the ones I've seen anyway. Niceties and how you act with other regular people in good relationships don't apply to these people. Only mistake I ever made was letting anybody around me ever and not sticking them first, true. I never started it but I always finish it. I don't do those things and always tried everything to avoid it and people always forced my hand but that is how you beat a crazy person is be crazier, flip that table on them everytime, I hate that I always had to become everything I hated to beat them, they all came for me and I got a solid track record, I'm still standing, none of them doing so good last I knew, How You Doing? My friend Raspuchia (Norbit/Eddie Murphy) will be paying them a visit for some money on those books. I will also be paying for a book subscription for them while locked up, books to become educated, to be a better person, self help... Do what you gotta do though when dealing with someone like this who has targeted you, like head spin around like the exorcist on them when you finally had enough, I guess maybe people do mistake kindness for weakness but ask someone ask anyone ask everyone about me, I am the one who always bullied the bullies, team underdog captain of the universe here, I always stood up for those who couldn't or wouldn't themselves, born with a shotgun in my hand, just a disadvantaged statistic always, cream always rises to the top, can't keep no good dog down, like I told them: You can't break me, you ain't got that kind of power! Only I can do that, true. Don't ever give them what they want. Never even been in a fist fight, punched a couple people who shouldn't have talked to me that way and always just scared them off with my mouth or my look, I never was really that big so smaller people have to rely on other methods than size or strength so my mind and my mouth has always been my weapons. Im just a girl but I have beat a couple abusers and they took it, I don't pull hair or slap, I hit like Mike Tyson.
This is an important message! THINK! don't do it. You don't need their acceptance. You don't need it! You just spoke truthfully - it needed to be said. It's healthy.
Because they are incapable of remorse or repentance in general
A lot of times, we end up apologizing for things we have no business being sorry for. Being in a narcissitic relationship is a sh*t show from start to finish. The narc makes sure of that. Don't apologize. Leave and don't go back.
You are so so right!!! I have apologized to the narcissist and all they did was throw it in my face.
When i apologised, they recorded my apology and turned my apology into a weapon against me.
Imagine that !!! I changed myself so many times . Did more and more . Wasn't even taking care of me . He needed me doing for him non stop . Waking him up for work as he was drunk , packing 3 home made meals for work , as he didn't eat at home . He'd say pack it for me .... I had to stop .
This really hot home for me, "I'm so sorry," and "I apologize," have been my middle name...and you're right its not coming from the right place, its just survival in a toxic environment.
we're so sorry, uncle Albert.
@@bartlevenson7851I used to love to play that Paul McCartney Wings song as a child. Good comic relief during a serious discussion here
It’s their guilt trip, the toxicity they spread is misplaced blame. Blame is their entire world view. Any forgiveness they rarely portray is fake. Toxic blame is not worthy of any apology.
Exactly!! 💯
Desperation- a spiritual disease. Amen.
Apologizing to a Narc is condoning their past abuse and opening the door to more and you won't be able to bring up past actions at a later date.
When can you bring up anything ? Mine says walk away or locks himself in a room . I've gone outside and he locks me outside ...like he's 12 yrs old ! He can't hear what I got to say . He'll change the topic to say , a cat scratcher I bought . It's been used against me several times recently....it's like wow , your acting rude and nasty , let's blame me for a cat scratcher I bought that has no issue . It's an object!
This totally reaffirms the fact that these people never need to be in my life!!! God is the only one I feel inferior to!!!!
🎯🎯👏👏💯💯
Amen 🙏👏
Good!
And for sure God never shames me like that either. God is the only one who would ever have a right to, and could if He wanted to, but He never has once done that to me. Instead I was offered love, mercy, grace, kindness. Gentle guidance and was offered help with things I needed to change. I was also given future hope about it. God therefore is the only one imo truly qualified to personally “correct” an adult. Everyone else seems to be inept, blind and clueless in this area. But they shouldn’t be trying to play God to others in the first place.
I confronted a narcissist and his flying monkeys and I was rage at and call names for getting angry at them. I found myself apologising to their disrespect because they made me believe I was a horrible person, the disrespect didn't end and even got worse. It arrived at a point I was scared of expressing my feelings due to fear of being insulted again.
Yup, that's the point! They want you to go away, not have an opinion or emotions or voice but still kindly serve them. Yuk
They always take anything they can or make up things to make you feel like it's you, but no deconstruct and shoot down or fix all their excuses why it's you, then what, what is it? Nothing. So it's not you why did they do it then? Can't get an answer. I always was the tree in the forest talking at people, wasting my breath, making all the noise don't think anyone ever heard a fukn thing. Terds don't have ears, terds get flushed always. Life is hard enough, assets not liabilities, liabilities always get cut. 🚽🔪
I hear walk away , walk away when I stand up for myself or point out truth ....
Already apologized for no reason and it didn’t work
Teach people how to treat you , means knowing how to prevent them abusing you
Stand your ground! Once you cross a line back up and regroup and stay on that side of the line. Thank you!
Just don't pull on my heartstrings, bust them and expect me to be happy to replace it.
All people should play in accordance with you with a reasonable respect...
I have never apologized. Figured this out intuitively. 👍🏻
I'm already the scapegoat, always was and I will never say I am sorry! I'm not the one with a personality problem. I forgive them , but won't go near any of that nut bunch again.
I had a narcissist family member tell me to apologize to them yesterday...I said NO!!! Why would I apologize for something I didn't do....NOW I GET IT KEVIN...I GET WHAT THEIR INTENTIONS WERE!!!! THANK YOU!!!!
This is so spot on. By apologizing to my family members I effectively accepted responsibility for everything that was wrong in our family, and justified their long term mistreatment of me! Huge mistake!
I used to actually start EVERY sentence with‘
I’m sorry, but ..(blah blah blah) Never again.
We try to make peace with people. Then sometimes u gotta walk away
Flawlessly explained Kevin! The biggest trap we can ever set for ourselves when dealing with a narcissist is to explain ourselves and to apologize to them! We have given them immense power over us in that moment! I had a friend who is stuck in this circle maze (hoping he'll change), for over 25 years!
Oh good lord!
@@nancinenninger9101I'm on year 27 ! He wants to stay together , why I'm so bad
I'm accepting the blame for nothing I did.. I dont do that anymore. I've gone radio silence.. I dont block anyone, I feel it gives them the power. My power is choosing not to communicate.
I needed to read this
Blocking them does NOT give them power. It actually lets them know that you don’t want to have anything to do with them. Going radio silence is good but trust me, you could easily have a bad day in terms of keeping your boundaries and these master manipulators would fnd a way to sneak back into your life.
Ex never apologised for one thing! Told me to apologise, I said "no and I would do the same thing again because it was the right thing for ME". He couldnt handle my response! Called me a disgrace..hahaa!! Im a disgrace, so what, I couldnt care anymore what he called me, not playing his games so therefore I win😊
They will lose respect seeing your not strong enough stand up for yourself
I doubt narcissists have any respect to give in the first place. I imagine what narcissists lose is the excuse to continue acting respectful.
Your discovery of “hope deferred makes the heart sick”, and acknowledgement of desperation, is brilliant, and so helpful 💘
Desperate to be included and accepted by them.
That hits hard like a truth bomb. Boom.
Tried to end things on a good note. Big mistake.
True, but don't lose that good quality. It works with good people.
When you apologise to a narcissist they use it against you because they see it as a weakness and exploit you for the perceived wrong you did to them. By apologising to them you put yourself in debt to them, that’s how their crazy mind perceives it. NEVER apologise to a narcissist.
I like to think of apologizing to a narcissist as showing them where the crack in the armor is so that they can wedge it open even further. Narcissists are data gatherers, always looking for that strategic edge on how to get the upper hand.
I stopped counting how many times in my life I had to apologise to people for wrongs I had no share in and for things that I was not to blame for, just to restore peace again. These people will ignore you for weeks, if mot months. They demand that you kust admit you were in the wrong even if you are not. Otherwise, they just ignore you solidly for as long as you can endure for being excloded and isolated.
Narcissists see apologies as a green light for further abuse. They basically hear this: "I am sorry for making your abuse hard for you, I won't be doing this again, so you can abuse me now without any difficulties". They are ultimate abusers, and if you try to speak about normal relationships - the responsibility will be shifted fully on you.
They don't want a normal relationship, good God they need drama .
I used Ho'oponopono thru the ethers. "I'm sorry you lied. Please forgive me for not believing you anymore.
Thank you for the lessons taught.
God loves you"
I do not need her forgiveness. I need God's Grace, His healing, His peace.
Thanks Kevin, once again, a brilliant explanation! Don't apologise!
*Forgive them and keep moving Forward* 🙏
I had violent parents and my only sister snd only brother found pleasure in abusing me. My sister had a young terrible death from alcoholism and my mother died all alone. I left home at 17 and married s monster because I was used to being abused. I got away with my life and nothing else. Life can be hard and nobody knows what you have been through. I don't share everything because of the shame I feel . I nevet went to no family funerals. Glad they were gone and out of my life. Thsnk you for listening snd csring.about people. We are often broken.🥀
Me too, married at 16, divorced and emancipated at 17. My narcissist mother got married the very next day and I wasn't invited. My husband was a cheater but I ended up in several abusive relationships after that. They prey on people who have been abused. Abuse against women is a real problem especially for someone who has always been abused. I know shame too, I hope nobody ever has to know that kind of shame the way I do.
The narcissist is never wrong. At least in their mind. So apologizing is a concept unfamiliar to their line of thinking.
Well they repeat their lies enough so they can believe that .
You’re THE MAN Kevin! I’m going to follow your lead because you’re 💯% correct! STAND DOWN! No apology warranted! They WILL use this as a weapon, guaranteed!!!!!! RUN!!!
you are 100% accurate ! i spent 30 years in AA meetings and after i made ammends to my narc mother, she smear campaigned me & used everything i said against me years later. it was horrible & i experiences more ABUSE !
Not supposed to do amends if it can cause harm. Too many sponsors like to overlook that part of the book and think everything is black or white.
Instead many do a "living amends" by living better from now on, avoiding the same mistakes. I would never recommend direct amends with an abuser. It is bad for everyone including the abuser.
Agree forgive but don't let them tell you what to do
They will non stop . Yet they can't be told anything .... they are victims.
So true ,this needs to be talked about for sure
Yeah! My female manager is sooo toxic. I am so fed up with apologies to her.
They don't listen and don't care or they blame you for their stupid actions.
SO TRUE, Kevin! Whenever I told my mother, "I'm sorry," all she would ever say was, "YOU SHOULD BE!" Finally, I stopped. Unfortunately, she is not the only person I have ever known in my life like that! (But they're not in my life now! THANK GOD!)
Thank you. Just recently while on the phone with family member said, "oh it's all my fault right?" Was hung up on. Will not answer my phone now if a call back.
Yep that's what they told me, it's all my fault. Yeah my fault for allowing them the opportunity to do that by letting them in my life in the first place. Being good and nice really never got me anywhere good.Next 40 years if I survive this or make it that far going to be different, changing my name too, I don't want anything the worst mother in the entire universe gave me. I never really liked it or felt like it fit me and it's not who I am, named after someone on a soap opera, I don't like soap operas, fake things or drama.
This is 100% how it went down. That FIRST TIME when i knew something was wrong was when I was given an ultimatum - either apologize for my "outburst" or "pack my shit and leave". JESUS almighty knows how MUCH i regret NOT leaving that same day. I would have saved myself sooooo much time and pain. Oh well. No time machine.... :(
That's controll , I'll tell you what to do ....
Kevin, I really appreciate your unique content. Despite studying toxic behaviour and narcissism for years, I experience new insights during each of your videos. Thank you for what you do and share.
Before knowing them ...I use to apologise to him when ever is wrong to me but now am strong 💪
I really wish that I knew what narcissism earlier in life. I wasn't aware of narcissism until I was 47. I would have done so many things differently. One of them being, not being reactive to the narcissist when they pressed my buttons.
Narcissists rob us of so many things, starting with childhood. We all would have done things differently, but we didn't understand narcissism back then. Now we understand, and they cannot rob us of the ability to deny them narcissistic supply by telling them "no" or "no more" in regard to our future.
@@danielkaiser8971that's a very positive way of thinking 😊. Seems we have to be perfect , but we don't.
You’d think they’d follow by example, since all they do is mirror & copy~but they only copy others’ negatives 🤦♀️
Years back, I had a friend/roommate with whom the relationship went toxic. I did apologize a lot in that relationship but only when I felt I had done something wrong. What frustrated me a lot was that I was the ONLY ONE apologizing. I had heard radio show personality Dennis Prager say years ago that if there is only one person apologizing in a relationship then that relationship is doomed to fail. I personally experienced this because over time the other person took my apologies for granted and I felt that while I listened to her when she said I had been hurtful and unkind, that never came back my way. At the end there was something that happened where I explained how she had been really unkind to me, especially at a time when I really needed to talk to her. I worked really, really hard for the apology that I had waited for in that relationship for 3 years. It was very hard to get her to admit that maybe, just possibly, she hadn't been 100% in how she treated me. After I walked away, I felt let down. You mean that it was that hard for you to admit you possibly might not have been right in the way you handled things? Seriously?!?? At that point, I gave up and afterward just let things go. I can't be in a relationship like that. It was just too damaging and not OK.
My aunt once apologized to my narc mom and mom said WELL IM GLAD YOU GOT THAT OFF YOUR CHEST. Lol.
Everything you said in this video is so true. I've experienced this from my narc parents. I realized that I always apologized in order to appease them and keep the peace to avoid yelling, blaming, guilt tripping, and long lectures that go in circles.
Last week, I stayed out later in the afternoon than I thought I would and got home two hours later than I thought I would. I never told my mom a time just that I'd be home in the afternoon. (I'm an adult but she has this weird thing where she has to know where I am at all times and wants me to text her often when I'm out and to tell her the exact time I'll be home) and when I got home she was livid. She was mad that I had forgotten to text her and mad that I didn't get home early afternoon. I explained to her that I had forgotten to text and I apologized profusely. Ironically my brother was with me and he could've called to but my mom wouldn't blame him (I'm the scapegoat). My mom got mean and said from now on she won't care if I die or if something bad happens to me. I apologized again and she was like "What? Do you want me to say I accept your apology?" And I told her not to if she didn't mean it. Then she gave me silent treatment. I learned that I will never apologize again. She won't accept them anyway and uses them as a weapon against me.
Ugh. Sorry. Time to set boundaries with consequences. Rules of engagement!
Wow! That is not healthy for you. I hope you can find your independence. This is manipulation and control.
Omg…..this has really opened up my eyes! Currently in a situation where I have been wondering if I apologize to a covert narcissist. Now I know what to do. Thank you!
Everyone needs a scapegoat i reckon, especially the narcissistic family
Because we know feeling of both sides been a loser and been a
winner As a human being
We must get through difficult
hours l understand having all
the comforts so long and had to give up is not an easy task.
In a battle there is no winner
or loser All are victims
In a relationship, why is anyone wanting to win ? Mine always says you win , I'm like eyes roll . Win what what was I looking to win ? I guess the game they play , that we aren't knowing it's a game ?
You’re saving my life
Wow, I have just apologised to my narc daughter and was willing to apologise again. I'm still waiting for her forgiveness three weeks later. Silly me, may as well have handed my cut out heart in a platter. Thank you for this.
They want you to look dumb .
Thank you for saying, no, we don't teach people how to treat us, we evaluate them. That takes away any guilt that, it was my fault. The last time I apologized, and the extent I went to, when I later thought back on the situation, I felt so pathetic. I learned a huge lesson there, so I'm glad I had that experience, it taught me to keep my self in check. After that, I ended the relationship.
I take notes and help teach my husband about his narcissist family. And keeping our distance has helped us to keep our sanity. Because being around them was draining and toxic.
My Grandchilden suffered horribly because I would blow up at their Mom. For 20 years she used me over and over. She always needed money and I always gave it to her because she needed it. BUT she was going out drinking and partying . I tried and tried to stop jumping her ass but I just couldn’t understand why she did the things she did but as I said my grandchildren are the ones that suffered. 😢 I was diagnosed with colon cancer with a 16% chance of survival!!!!! So I wrote her an apology letter but I haven’t talked to her in years❤
Maybe look into ivermectin or fembendazole for your diagnoses. Both are being used successfully by many.
You didn't do anything to apologize to them while they did everything for them to apologize to you
I find that my friends need to give me more than they take... they need to be reasonably "easy". If not, I disconnect. If they refuse I just let them know it's not gonna work out.
Mental desperation. 11:24 behavior by though.
It resonates perfectly with my family members. I apologize to knowone. I’ve been disparaged by my brother for 55 years that was conditioned by my father and grandmother.
If you have blown it, lost your temper ,did something foolish or hurtful you should apologize. But I have found with a narcissistic it won't matter, they will never forgive and they use that as an excuse to punish you . They also will use it as an excuse for the shit way they treat you forever. My narcissistic wife is never wrong but I am recriminated again and again. I have also been blamed for things she has done , things she has done when I was not present. I have been the scapegoat for bizarre behavior, abusive behavior.
So true..my ex made me feel that I was at fault..we had language barrier and I felt like I was walking on egg shells..being mindful of what I say..because I didn't know when his next crazy emotion was going to come out? He thought he was always right and unapologetic for his wrong doings.
I love this and agree with 5 reasons and ty
You'll never be right . Mine tells me stories of stuff I said and did , that just aren't true . He wants me to agree . I'm not crazy I know the truth ...
Further, as I am in court with a malignant narcissistic sibling, I am also glad that I have learned to simply say as little as humanly possible to her. That the likely picture of her schema is anger, relentlessness, supreme entitlement and absolute ignorance. Smallest, most frequently used business term has to be explained to her. But, be certain that they can be quite capable of turning all of that, into ruining you, in part, because the court may know they’re dealing with someone who isn’t wrapped too tight, take pity on their ignorance and they still have legal rights, despite themselves. DO NOT HELP THEM! Doing so is worse than being read your Miranda rights. Because anything you say can and will be used against you. Like my mother, she seems to feel, “I don’t care if I drive everyone in this courthouse insane, as long as I get what I want.” Thing is, - she probably has some of what she wants. But is too arrogant and entitled to even look for it. In my case, it’s possible that, even the judge is thinking “WTF”, yet unfortunately still has to apply the law, knowing that, for one litigant, it is akin to being dragged by a mule who is, again, both angry and ignorant.
The ONLY good news there is, for myself, as I might actually lose the home I inherited, because of this, is that my sibling will likely take the same path as my mother, where no one will have anything to do with her. No regular person. No attorney. They simply want OUT!
So true..especially when you cut off contact for months or even years, and suddenly apologize you basically admit that it was you all along😵
I appreciate your strong spirit so much. Plus your perspective, insights, and healthy self protectiveness are so very helpful in real life. Many thanks 💘
This is what I needed to hear
- [0:00] 🚫 Apologizing to narcissistic individuals may not be effective and can even backfire.
- [4:38] 🤝 Apologizing to narcissistic people can empower them and validate their perception that you are responsible for all the issues.
- [6:18] 💡 Apologizing can subconsciously position you as the problem, leading to feelings of inadequacy and dependence on others' forgiveness.
- [8:32] 🔒 Apologizing may unconsciously keep you in a state of needing their forgiveness, leading to overcompensation and boundary violations.
- [10:02] ⚠ Apologizing grants narcissistic individuals permission to control and dictate your actions, undermining your autonomy.
- [11:03] 😔 Apologizing can foster desperation and hopelessness, perpetuating a cycle of seeking validation and acceptance from toxic individuals.
I won’t until a narcissist apologizes to me for spying on in me in my own home. Fuck that. Won’t happen.
Right ✅ never lowered your standards and live your life 🧚♀️❤🙏
I told him I’m sorry and hopes he will forgive me for xyz someday told him I forgive him, he snapped 😂 none of this is his fault not even sleeping with 5 different woman in 3 months 😅 when I just had his baby . My conscience is clear
Yeah 😅. By saying sorry to them for anything is a trap. Don't bother setting it for yourself. It's then all on you. Exactly. And, that is actually horrible.
It's my experience that they also use counselors as enablers if they can. If the counselor or psychiatrist is not experienced with NPD. They are absolutely predictable.
Thank you
Shit. I did all of these. Apologized all the time because I felt guilty for my reaction. Always felt like it was my fault for getting so mad, but then ended up so confused because I didnt understand how it was my fault. Ended up being told to go to therapy, I went and still go (now after being discarded). Everything is so confusing to say the least.
I follow the ever so wise promptings of Gods Holy Spirit in regards to this right conscience apology. Definitely with my older sister I usually cannot ever apologise, Because she will use it as a dagger back. So we are talking here about an arrogant punishing personality.
The only reason I have apologized to my narc. mom and husband; I was sorrowful for my sin, anger, bad words and mistreatment. As a Christian, I know when I am wrong .It is a true sorrow and normal, decent person do that. I guess these devils arent the ones in need of our apologies.
It does not cross my mind, at all.🕊🕊
Thank you VERY much for validating why I've NEVER felt comfortable with that statement, which Dr Phil made popular many years ago!
I thought that I didn't teach people to abuse me, especially if I hardly knew them and wouldn't stop, no matter how many times I "taught" them not to, anyway.
In fact, I've been physically assaulted, along with many thousands of others, quite a few times for daring to stand up to highly narcissistic, or worse, individuals. ❤
Sometimes the non-narc has a normal reaction to the narc’s provocation,insults etcetera. The narc will then gaslight by saying “I can’t believe you’re getting mad about this”. “I was just joking”. “YOU need to take it easy”. The non narc knows that it’s ABUSE disguised as a joke. The gaslighting MAY cause (NOT always) the non narc into apologizing for their absolutely RIGHT reaction to the narc. In other cases the non narc is like “Nah I’m not apologizing. Every case is different.
This was such a powerful message that hit me so hard.... people in my life always make me feel like I am the one that is at fault even though I know I'm not but I end up apologizing
Never crossed my mind, wouldn't help anyway, we've all rolls to play and moms are martyrs keeping their kids safe, adults know better, why apologize for putting someone in their place!
If you want the straight answer without wasting your time skip to 9:40
Kevin…..what do you do if you’ve already apologized? Besides never apologize again, and go no contact?
Bless you for your wisdom 🙏
For me an apology was a great way out and gave me the closure they never want to give. Basically if they continue thinking you’re so problematic you apologize for hurting their feelings and recognize you hurt them without even meaning to, that you can’t trust yourself around them and you should go your separate ways so they can be happy. ( SO YOU CAN BE HAPPY!) Now you have the excuse not to contact them and talk to them anymore because you’re so problematic. They treat you so bad like they can’t stand you, let them get what they are putting out and leave instead of trying to fix things and be better. Simply agree and leave. And they don’t like to be wrong. So if you’re agreeing you are no good for them, they are stuck.
Yesterday he needed my help tieing up a pepper plant . I said it needs a new pot . He said hold it just like this . Then complained . I don't get help . He did it dumb . Today I repotted it and put a stake in the pot , no help tieing it up ! Why is he always needs help , to yell at me , and I have no problems doing things alone , as I can't count on him . Or his answer is no I won't help you ...oh I gotta be there to have someone to yell at ! Weird
This will be on replay many times. Precisely said
Keep up the good work Kevin!