Thanks to Sunsama for sponsoring this video! If you’ve been trying harder and feeling stuck, Sunsama is one tool that can help. It's a fantastic digital daily planner designed to help combat burnout. They’re offering a free trial with no credit card needed if you use my link: www.sunsama.com/a/jessicafromhowtoadhd
Am I the only one who finds a to do list too bossy? Even my own list of things I really want to get done, as soon as it is written down, I feel deep resistance. Maybe because it steals my motivation (doing it because I thought of it and want to do it vs doing it because this list tells me to) Tools for how to put lists together haven't worked for me in the past, but I'm always ready to give a new tool a try!
@@gordonandmaggie6324100% same for me. Sometimes I feel dread before writing something I *really* want to do on a to-do list because I feel like it lowers the probability I will actually do it. But if I don’t write it down I will forget it 😅
With ADHD, no matter how much effort you put in, it’s like fighting an invisible enemy that’s always two steps ahead who knows your every move and the finish line keeps moving further away every time you think you’re close.
I've always thought a teacher or admin telling student (or a teacher) to "Try harder' was the same as saying FU. It's utterly meaningless and unhelpful. And when you do put in more effort (hyper focus) and get amazing results these same fixed mindset people resent it or pretend not to notice. (Or the mean teachers' clique actively try to undermine you.) I'm in my sixties and as I sit in my house surrounded by photographs I've made, the art of my friends. thousands of books I've read, furniture I've deigned and built, writing... what I am is perpetually frustrated by procrastination, distraction and delays... (from writing a book I've been working on for a couple of years.) And yet.... It really helps to be surrounded by accomplishments. I didn't understand this until I was 50. I would regularly feel as though I had never accomplished anything. It's like the Micheal Jackson Moonwalk. It appears that I'm heading in the wrong direction, but I'm actually making great progress.
Honestly, even when it _is_ a lack of effort, trying harder is almost certainly still not the solution. Because a lack of effort is pretty much never the core issue-there’s almost always something behind it. Maybe they don’t have safe access to needed help/resources, or they’ve learned from experience that their efforts won’t be noticed or rewarded, or maybe the ask is in contradiction with other needs or demands. People generally want to be effective and productive, so if they’re truly not even trying, it’s very likely that there’s something in the way.
My dad once commiserated that he and I are both like shooting stars that "burn twice as bright for half as long." The effort of constantly trying too hard is definitely unsustainable.
I always describe it as trying to run up a hill in a lead suit. If I got that suit removed.. I'd run up that hill so fast, with how much I've been training 😂
I can't try harder because I'm already trying my hardest. It's an impossible ask. It's someone else saying, "Your effort isn't enough," when it truly feels like too much effort on my part.
I was recently told "Try harder or you will be FIRED!" Part of our 'workplace values' are Professionalism, Respect, and Empathy. Yeah...! No biggie.. I've only worked there for 32 years.
Also ADHD is one of the listed disabilities requiring work place accommodations according to the ADA dot gov website. They might think twice trying to fire someone due to their disability... I believe this channel has a video on that website as well.
@@lijohnyoutube101 They've been there for 32 years, seems unlikely role fit is suddenly a problem now. More likely boss's greed just inflated with the times
Trying harder brought me major depression. Don't do it, and also don't listen to NTs if they try to push you to try harder. Be kind and try to recognise, if you internalised it.
As an INTJ, I find a lot of the ESJ's are the ones yelling to try harder, not other NT's. They see it more like a sport anyway and believe that productivity is simply a gauge of how much physical effort you put into something. (Even though the ones in upper admin aren't actually contributing any sweat equity themselves, they feel "qualified" to call out everyone else.)
@@ladel1805 Yes, I ment Neurotypical :) and to clarify. I was the one pushing myself the most. But thats why you have to carefully listen to your inner world. Because in my case, I adapted basically lots of ableism from around me to a point where I still cant differentiate between lazy, executive dysfunction and an absolut need for a break. So. Take care of yourselfs, Brains. Only you can do that.
I had a coworker who if you got stuck and he couldn't help, would jokingly say "uh, have you tried trying harder?". He was well aware that it's the most useless and unhelpful suggestion you can give someone, and it came across that way in the tone. I thought it was hilarious and it really fits the message in this video. I also have a friend who asks, "have you tried giving up?" in the same situations. Equally unhelpful but it does help gauge my own motivation to deal with something.
I like the have you tried giving up! Sometimes I have to do that for a while... then I can cope and finish a task. I just have to stay away from the shame.
Haha love it. Sometimes it's good to ask ourselves if we really want to quit, even if the answer is "no" because at least it reminds us of our motivation!
I struggle with inconsistency. And then the problem of, if I was able to "try harder" and do it that one time, I should be able to do it again. Which leads to burnout. It's a cycle.
This is a really great analogy, because you actually can see a little better effortfully (by squinting and/or straining your focusing muscles), but it’s a lot of effort for very little improvement. It’ll tire you out and give you a headache, and then your vision is gonna be even worse than baseline.
I’m sorry you’re going through that right now.💛 Out of curiosity, have you tried doing the things that Jessica talks about? What is it that is making you feel so bad about yourself? Is it a sense of shame? Is it your family members telling you things that make you feel worse about yourself? Is it the feeling that you aren’t worth the effort? I struggle with this too, and I don’t yet have an answer for you. But I hope you know that you aren’t alone.♥️
I was hospitalized twice misdiagnosed with bipolar and my life was a complete mess. I got diagnosed a couple years ago with ADHD started medication and learned some tools and strategies and finally at 38 I have been at the same job for over a year now! Longest was 8 months before and usually wanting to quit from stress and anxiety and depression after a month!
If you find coming to truth and learning is negatively impacting your self esteem then seek out therapy. That is very likely an additional challenge to dig into.
"Just try harder" feels so toxic and only reminds me of those hustler influencers. Doesn't work for me.. Nothing really works for me anymore. I'm depressed and stuck in one giant freeze mode. I feel constant imprisonment and it's driving me nuts..
@@joshuagies4900 this absolute brain freeze is getting on my nerves.. No matter how many good tips I get from psychologists and other educational people online regarding to my health and mind, I can't utilize any of it.. My brain doesn't let me. I'm so frustrated.
@@elin_ Have you tried working with a therapist who is experienced helping people with ADHD? My therapist is really helpful. It took some trial and error to find the right therapist, and it's also taken a couple of years for me to unlearn the destructive thoughts and habits I had/have, but it's been super helpful. I also understand being too tired, frustrated, burnt out and overwhelmed to even start the process of finding the right therapist. So, if you're not ready, I get that. I hope you will find what works for you eventually, though. Everyone deserves to live a healthy life.
I needed to hear this today as a person with ADHD who comes from a community whose idea of trying harder or doing better was "you can take a break when you're dead."
Same. That increasing penalty as you take more levels of exhaustion is a great way to explain why doing things gets progressively harder until we keel over, crash, and then require many long rests to get back to functional
It's so funny you posted this, as just yesterday I was explaining to my fiancé that I'm realizing when I'm being too intense and pushing too hard to achieve a goal/complete a task, it always backfires and goes badly, if I manage to do it at all. I'm learning that's a signal for me to "try easier." Usually that equates to relaxing about a task's importance or urgency, remembering what I enjoy about a task, and soaking up the fun aspects of it. Once my brain realizes, "oh this could actually be fun and appealing!" or "oh I'm not paralyzed at the thought of failing at this!", it's easier to find the energy and motivation to attempt it again, and it almost always achieves better results.
Like my anxiety. I feel pressured to do stuff like plan my week and even try a little harder, so I just end up wasting time and not getting things done.
"Try harder" ended up working for me until it didn't. It means that I'm hypersensitive to criticism, I've built myself a reputation of doing hard things, and I fully expect everyone to be working as hard as I work. The thing about that is: other people, like neurotypical people, *do not work this hard* and they mostly don't even notice. It means I'm prone to overworking and burnout but hey my work ethic can't be questioned 🤦♀️🙄 except by me! 😭
As a (medicated) trainee teacher, thank you Jessica for helping people like me realise that getting diagnosed with ADHD is not something to be ashamed of. This channel is incredibly supporting to have a human voice explaining all the things we never quite understood; additionally, we can help the students in our class without getting mad when they forget a pen, or a piece of HW.
Your ND kids will love having you for a role model. If one of my kids' teachers had said, "Hey, it's ok. I get it. I have adhd too." it would have helped them feel less alone. So thank you for caring for you so you can care for our kiddos. ❤
My son's school has several teachers diagnosed with ADHD. They are always willing to go the extra mile and do one on one tutoring. So different from the last school that only wanted him to figure it out.
I need a short video on how to explain to my boss that telling me 'try harder' and moving the goalpost without acknowledgement of my huge effort to be consistent is very dismotivating :( some bosses don't understand the value of positive feedback at all and think that just by berating you every time you are going to try harder...
I agree with @steggopotamus. Look for another job. Start the paper trail. A berating boss is usually a bully who doesn't consider others, does not take responsibility, is horribly shallow and unobservant. No one needs to work for this kind of boss.
@@paperlady if he gets you fired, you have already "beat him to the punch" when you bring it up with his higher ups. On rare occasions, it can get the bully boss fired or you reassigned with a better manager. "The first one to plead his cause seems right, until his neighbor comes and examines him." Being the first one to plead your case, especially in a power differential, is a big deal.
@@blazertundraAnd to add to the pros of a paper trail, paper trail and a journal of what was said and done always helps to refer back to in cases of unemployment compensation in the US if the company contests it. Remember, bcc to a backup personal email, or print, or take pic, because you won't have access to work email once you don't work for them.
I'm trying really hard to understand that I don't have to give 100% with everything... It's such a learning curve because something in me has always felt that if I don't give my full 100% then it's not going to cut it..... Pretty much with every job, hobby and side quest I ever did. And I always wondered why I was burnt out 😅😅
I also tend to do that It might have to do with the attentional dysregulation, where ADHDers either hyperfocus or get bored It's hard to force myself to rest when I'm in the flow, but it helps for the bad brain days
Changing my environment when I can, is one of my favorites. Also, trying to change the perspective to "what can I gain for myself" as in learning or personal fulfillment from "I need to do this because it's an obligation."
Yep, this hits close to home. It basically falls under what I would like to call the ADHD trifecta; Hyperfocus, Panic, and Burnout. Things are easy with hyperfocus, but is unsustainable long term. Things are easy when you're blitzing a deadline, but is unsustainable long term. Burnout is the end result of the end of either, and is avoided by avoiding riding on the hyperfocus and/or panic train for too long. I'm currently stuck deep in burnout myself right now, and it's been extremely difficult to do much of anything unless I get lucky enough to get a bit of hyperfocus. My panic reflex is completely gone at this point.
OMG, YES!!! I'm with you. In fact I'm watching this/reading comments instead of doing timesheets I was asked to complete "early", which measures up to due about 3 hours ago.
I have a little list (no more than 5x 5min tasks,) of really short fun light things related to project/ topic etc that are valuable to overall goals but have no urgency. When i am spinning my wheels i jump to these, I usually get a flow happening and then can start to chip away at whatever overwhelmed me. These things can be sending thank you note to someone on the team for their effort or contribution. Ordering office snacks. Getting up and taking a 5 minute lap around the office, waving hi but not saying anything to anyone i meet.
"If you just tried harder..." was basically my entire childhood and adolescence because I got terrible grade because, surprise, I was unable to reliably get my homework done. I slid by because I was able to hyperfocus and cram for tests and ace them. And I really did learn plenty throughout school but even if I knew the material fairly well, sitting down and getting my brain to focus on doing the homework was nearly impossible. Still is, I just have more support (and a diagnosis and medication) as an adult. Its hard to let go of the fact that all the adults in my life growing up more or less failed me. They failed to recognize my obvious symptoms and get me the help I didn't know I needed. Dwelling on this isn't helpful (and is honestly just frustrating and sort of depressing) but man is it hard to let that go and focus on moving forward.
Part of that also is being honest about where society was in its understanding of ADHD. My mom for example kept telling the pediatrician office I had adhd but they were like, ‘ no that’s really like a crazy hyperactive boy thing. I have the combo adhd so can be hyper but organized is harder and I am a girl and girls have been proven to mask significantly more so.
Sometimes I have found out that being calm and actually trying NOT as hard helps. Here's an example: when I started working as a dishwasher/busser at the Denny's where I work, I was trying very hard to get things done quickly to be able to impress and get through the probationary period. As a result, I'd end up going too fast and dropping dishes, tipping over sanitizer buckets, etc. Once I started to slow down, I got actually got faster.
its really frustrating to hear this in school. my teacher keeps telling me i should try harder, not be distracted. she makes me not sit with my friend "so im not distracted" but the thing distracting me is my brain going with all thoughts. or when im understimulated and i just space out. they keep telling me to try harder and its just frustrating to hear. looking forward to watching the video :D
Do you have an ADHD diagnosis and accommodations? If not, it's unreasonable to expect the teacher to treat you as if you did. If you do, then you need to adjust your accommodations so they work better.
@pendlera2959 If your parents don't interviene on your behalf you might need to go to a school counselor or some who is familiar with ADHD. With the right people in your corner you will succeed.
I just read the title and already got a little emotional. I'm overwhelmed by anxiety and worrying that people think I'm lazy, while at the same time I'm exhausting myself to "try harder". Because my effort and the outcome never match. I have to put in so much effort to do "simple" tasks. Thanks Jess, your channel brings a lot of comfort, support and much needed guidance
Something that happened a lot to me when I "try harder" is I will put even more effort into that ONE thing like a college project but then other stuff gets little effort or pushed for another day. The things that get pushed for another day then causes a bit of panic because now I just put myself on crunch time
this, it happens a lot for me in uni, balancing the importanse of subjects it hard, let alone final exams week whit two exams, over the years it became harder and harder for me to do more than one final exam per finals week call. I usually put more tons of effort becuse i stuggle in one of them an the other goes more slowly in return
Best advice I ever heard which has been helping me with returning to university from full time work is to work when my focus is high. So I like to read in the morning or just before bed, but writing happens earlier in the afternoon when my brain is happier doing something with the research instead of learning the information. I don't always have successful days, and I've had a few deadlines that meant I needed to push through (I could definitely see the difference in my work) but I've also handed a few things in early and got great marks. I still really need to exercise regularly and lose weight as this is definitely a roadblock for me.
The third reason about sustainability hit me in the chest almost physically. Especially because i had those exact feelings yesterday. This was a good moment to reflect on that. Thank you sharing this!
honestly i am usually a fiercely independent person, but when i absolutely cannot bring myself to complete a task no matter how hard i try, i ask a friend to body double me, wether that's just over the phone or actually having them come over and sit with me while i complete the task. if i can't get anyone to do that, listening to music or a podcast helps sometimes, but accountability buddies are definitely my first choice, they make a huge difference to me!
I recently got a job as a school Custodian and this is a brand new skill set for me. Everyday my boss tells me I need to be fast and I always felt like crap at the end of the day, even if I accomplished all my tasks, because I wasn't reaching that golden "finish" time me boss was stressing. I finally figured out if I change my flow path and leave some duties for every other day cleaning I was finally able to hit that time limit. I struggled so much with this and I am so greatful you made this video. Even if you made it for you, just to get it out there, I feel so seen and valued. Thank you for making this awesome videos ❤
Mel Robbin's 5 second rule help me. And just STARTING whatever it is I need to do (even just grabbing the item I need to do it with). Not looking past that most minute step helps me a lot because that's often the hardest part for me.
This video came in a perfect timing bcs my current job is requiring alot of effort and time and i really needed someone to tell me try different things instead of people around me telling me try harder , don't be soft etc
It’s so nice to finally feel understood. 43 years old. Was diagnosed last year. I am grateful for your videos and book. Read your book and cried and cried when reading the old strategies part. I always did feel like I was trying so hard. Never understood why I could not function. Now I know.
My goto is try or do something different, and later return to the main task. Oft times related activities can shake your brain loose and enable you to do the thing or get closer.
For me, it's not so much about trying harder. It's fighting the impulsivity that comes with ADHD by self control and rejecting the fake dreams that a cheap dopamine rush can give you. I have to accept my intelligence being insulted due to the bad patterns I've had in the past and the fact that I must exclude myself from certain spaces that I don't belong in order to find my place. It can be a very lonely road, but I am working on accepting it and going from there. I will feel invisible for awhile until I can get myself together.
I actually like the outfit change at 2:43 because I glanced back at the screen and realized I'd missed a bit because I hadn't been paying attention. I could go back and rewatch sooner than I would have without the visual cue...
So many of these videos is such a rollercoaster ride of "Yay! things I can use to do better in the future" and Reliving horrible experiences and struggles growing up because I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD yet.
also, worth noting, your 100% can look different from day to day. That helped me a lot with the guilt of "but I was able to do it last time, so why not now?" Because you don't have that much to give that day. The important part is that you ARE giving 100%, no matter how much that turns out to be. You can't choose your amount of resources, only how you spend it.
I didn't get my ADHD diagnosis until my late 20s, and I didn't really believe any of it until my early-mid 30s. But when I started reading about other people's experiences of ADHD, one thing that had been bothering me since at least junior high finally became clear: "Why don't other people seem to struggle with everyday tasks like I do? Why don't other people get so anxious and overwhelmed at the thought of doing things or socializing?"
There’s that old quote that goes like, “If you want a job done fast, ask a lazy person,” and when you take the judgment out of the language 🙄 that’s the goal. Let me find the most efficient, quick, low effort way to get the result I need because working harder than I need to is just going to mess me up. Let me figure out how to hack it or make a faster system and then let me go take a long break. I’m good at finding the easiest way to do a thing (and a lottt of people are doing things in the least efficient way possible, so there’s always opportunity to do it my way and save time 😂)
I've designed my life in a way that lets me do things I enjoy. I enjoy my job. I enjoy my side gig. I don't think of it in terms of forcing myself to try harder anymore. Instead I spend effort at improving the things that will give me more energy to enjoy the things in my life that I love. So I try harder at eating well. I try harder at getting enough water. I try harder at going to sleep on time. And I let my ADHD have the rest of my day to play however it wants. There will always be stuff that HAS to get done, that I am not looking forward to. (I really need to go to the DMV and update my address on my driver's license...) But I don't structure my whole day around things that fill me with dread. Cause that sucks.
My top tool that I am just now slowly learning how to use is to be consciously proud of myself for the effort I put in, and to know that even if my outcomes are not perfect, my effort itself is something I need to recognize and be proud of. Because if I’m not proud of myself I crumble and I deserve the pride because I work hard for it, even if my outcomes aren’t perfect. Reminding self over and over again.
Great timing. Feeling exhausted from trying harder. It's hard to explain to people around me how I'm really trying my best. I hear a lot of “But you're so smart, why is your project not moving faster?” It's good to hear from other people feeling the same way I do. I have been trying to work “smarter”, a version of working “different”. That, and “smallest step forward manageable” keeps me rolling when I just want to quit. Now I just need to allow myself breaks. I love seeing other's ways of dealing with ADHD. Thank you so much!
this is exactly what i need right now. having grown up in the 80s with depression era guardians, i was taught to succeed, and to try hard. i *start* at 100%. if i'm failing, it's not because i need help - never need help! - it's bc i'm not trying hard enough. now i'm 46, never finished college, never held a job, never even followed my dreams. and now i'm perimenopausal and i *can't* try harder, i can't even pretend that's an option. so as i try to learn to navigate my life with audhd, *knowing* i have audhd, and perimenopause, it's like... the only skill i *had* was trying harder, so what is there instead? all that's to say, thank you so much for making this 💙
this...helped me see myself in a completely different way. you have no idea how much this video you made for yourself helped someone clueless about themselves. thank you so so much
This!!! It took me 40 years and multiple burnouts and depressions to start understanding why my perfectionism and trying my hardest didn't help. 😢 It's incredibly insulting to tell someone they just are not bothering to try hard enough, when they are all the time fighting with all their might.
top of the list when I need to sit down to work on something: 1.make sure I have snack + drink within reach of where I'm working, and also use the toilet before sitting down to work ->It means less reasons to get up 2.step two is to set up a reasonable level of Chosen Distraction: ->my work needs 50% of my focus? Alright, I set up a podcast/audiobook/let's play, that will soak the the remaining 50% ->work needs 90%? set up well-known, maybe even lyric-less music with headphones in a set playlist, so it's familiar changes ->my work mostly needs like 60-70% focus, so I have a playlist that is full of songs I like singing along to, which I play and sing along to, like vocal stimming - if I don't feel like doing that, I re-listen to a podcast (it's not new anymore, so it doesn't need as much focus, but also, since adhd made me forget most details, it's still engaging) ->if work needs very little mental focus, then new audiobook (20/80% split)
This hit very close to home. I've been told to "try harder" since I was a kid, and it was never fair because the problem wasn't "I'm not trying," it was system failures. Chronic sleep deprivation I didn't choose (sleep disorders are comorbid with ADHD!), unsupportive or even actively unsafe learning environments, unsustainable class demands... But it was all "my fault." Not only did this mindset from the people in power during my formative years _not_ help me succeed in middle and high school, it essentially locked me out of higher education. I can't be in class environments anymore without getting physically ill. It didn't just "not prepare" me, it left me _less_ prepared than I'd been to start with.
You just explained alot of why I have a harder time working with one of my co-workers, I don't want to talk back at her, but I also want her to understand that trying harder just doesn't work for me! Thank you so much for making this video, it's extremely helpful for all ADHDers who have a harder time explaining things like this without someone interpretting this as attitude!
This makes a lot of sense, especially the burnout/exhaustion. I kept being told to try harder which eventually lead me to pushing me beyond my normal limits constantly. Thus then reduced my giving 100% to like 95%, 90%, etc, until I had nothing left. In addition to my 100% now being like 5% of what it used to be, my ADHD symptoms are much more extreme than they used to be, especially my anxiety that comes along with it. These days if I don't take anxiety meds I'll have anxiety for literally no reason, and with the meds I still get anxiety from the smallest things. And so anyways I'm on Disability now trying to recover, but between the extra effort I need to put un for basic life functions like feeding myself and the constant mental torture perpetually in my head, I make little to no progress with a tumble back down that hill losing all my progress all the time. So These days I can relax and do what I want whenever I want, but even a physically relaxing day will feel exhausting. It's a neverending cycle
I am not struggling with ADHD but still find this and a lot of your other content helpful for myself. I struggle with constantly taking on too much, because at the moment I do it, I can. But I never stop to ask myself "yeah, but can I keep that up? Is it sustainable?" Your input to consider this just clicked with my brain and heart, because being reliable is very important to me. So I now have a new tool to care better for myself, thanks to your work. I am very grateful and happy for that.
As a kid, I found my inconsistent abilities difficult, frustrating and opened me up to an obnoxious amount of scrutiny so I eventually learned that even if I knew I had more to give, I chose not to because It was easier to deal with being consistently mediocre than the ups and downs.
I think an important thing is to protect sleep and other basic needs is the key for preventing burnout. I actually think it's good to try harder, but protect yourself from burnout through concrete steps like insisting on a 7-8 hour sleep period and (even in the most emergency situation where you might hyperfocus and stay up to finish something) never ever go lower than 5 hours of sleep. Another one: recognize when you may be entering an anxiety-driven spiral where your fears are not aligned with reality. Don't panic, instead try to focus and remember that essentially no one starves to death in the US. You're gonna make it, even if it doesn't feel like it!
Omg yes! For the longest time I kept asking/telling myself "I used to keep a clean house. Why can't I do it now? I should be able to do it now!" Not taking into account having children or a new job or moving and just being overwhelmed. Peri/menopause hasn't helped either. Looking back at the past has helped because I've realized the ups and downs and that it WAS doable but I need to give myself grace for life changes... Big and small.
This video resonated sssooo much with me! As a kid, I struggled to keep my grades up like the other "good little girls" and fell asleep in class out of sheer boredom. As an adult, I still struggle with fatigue but also working memory, executive function, etc. I noticed that when I pushed myself hard at work, I was absolutely depleted for days afterward. I've finally been diagnosed (at 43 yo!) and now on meds, which have been a game changer!! My "hacks" include, taking the time to meal plan and cook 2 recipes for meals for the week, the day before the work week starts, one for lunches, one for dinners and healthy snacks available. I try to override the bedtime avoidance and get ready for bed early on work nights and JUST GO TO BED. I get more time asleep this way. And advocate for myself where necessary, be it at work, with my doctor and even with myself. I try to give myself some space and grace!
it is hilarious, that a day i am saying to try harder. Your video gives me the security i need to put try harder at the bottom f my priority list. Your videos have helped me a lot to understand ADHD better and hope my life improves from this. Thank you so much.
The go-to strategy that I seriously underutilize is going on a walk. It is SO EASY to do, and makes a huge difference me, but I either simply forget to, or don't want to approach problems any way but head-on, and deprioritize healthiness.
Your speaking to my soul. This really helped. Wish I would have had some of this information growing up. I really struggled as a kid with adhd. Writing things down is a game changer for me now. That and absolutely being gracious and kind to myself, especially when I'm struggeling, even when others are not. Pressure only makes it worse.
I can't even count how often I've gone "here is a mountain of evidence that I will perform better if I stop trying harder and actually relax" only to be told "but you just need to try harder" Makes me legitimately want to scream.
this is so good to hear. thank you! (one thing I just noticed in the video that is distracting to me is the background music. have you considered skipping that feature?)
I love this, thank you so much for verbalizing this issue. I remember those very specific phrases as a child but when I became a teen and then an adult, things like “you have so much potential you just need to try harder” turned into “if you cared it would be done. If you cared more it wouldn’t be an issue.” And honestly that made me want to give up more than anything. I could always double down, burn myself out and try harder. But being told that it was because I didn’t care about what I was doing was such a gut punch. Of course I care; that’s why I’ve been crying over the thing I haven’t been able to finish for three days straight. But to them- I didn’t care, they didn’t even expect me to keep trying so I stopped trying and THEN I stopped caring. I heard this a lot from people I was in relationships in when it came to communication and remembering to text back. My memory issues are not due to the fact that I don’t care. Im lucky to be with someone now who fully understands that.
My flavor of this is that I generally struggle when I'm doing things fast to try to get as much done as possible, most likely before I lose motivation. Since I already have the impetus going for me I am trying to stop and take a breath when I notice this. Running still expends a similar energy in distance traveled as walking but pacing your self increases overall achievement/distance/etc. So pacing myself in different avenues where I know I experience the frustration of wanting to get things done quickly has greatly decreased my overall stress levels. I may not always get everything done, let's face it there's always more to do. But I definitely get more done. Also, if it's something that is sharable or more fun when doing it with a partner/companion then I recommend that over trying to go it alone. My dog is a very supportive presence even if I'm just putting away laundry.
I love task analysis. I break up an intimidating task into multiple pieces that are less intimidating, and I don't force myself to do it in a specific order. As long as I start anywhere that seems accessible, it can be done.
Another way to think about it is”try harder” is just “commit more” meaning that if your at 100% commitment, you can’t try harder, you can only try differently.
I have had migraines with aura since middle school and they always develop after periods of intense studying. In college I always used up all my energy in fall/winter semester, got excellent grades but then had periods of depression till spring/summer. In july and august I didn't want to go on vacation because I knew I had too many exams to finish in september and then came periods of intense anxiety, panic attacks and no sleep. When the last exams came I was not only burned out again but heavily depressed and stressed. On the first few exams I still got high grades but the last ones I could never finish because panic attacks and migraines escalated. I was so ashamed and dissapointed in myself I always ended up apologizing the professors for not making it through... It's a viscious cycle.
I have no experience with migraines, so this might be completely off base. But could it possibly be an issue with posture and/or hydration? I've noticed how painful my neck and shoulders are after work at a desk for hours. And, if it's not addressed, it usually leads to a headache. And it's so easy to forget to hydrate when an ADHD brain is focusing...
Hands down, this is th ebest video you've ever made, and that is saying something. I'm a psychologist and I'm recommending this video to all of my ADHD clients and their families. I already recommend your channel. Thank you for making it!
This was such an important and validating video. My journey was kinda backwards. I learned all the coping mechanisms and later on made all the best lifestyle changes I could - diet, working out, etc and it *Still wasnt enough*. It took therapy and medication but it took getting to that point and a supervisor telling me I was falling behind for me to accept that I really had something I couldn't overcome by the tools everyone else uses alone.
Try different is pretty much how I’m handling things. I have a list of minimum baseline tasks I do every day. I check off the ones I manage to do and tot up a daily score, not as an evaluation of value, but to compare how I’m doing to yesterday. I also keep track of what I accomplish, even in a scattered way, so that when I finish something, I acknowledge it thoroughly with an attagirl. This helps me realize at the end of a day how much I have accomplished around that minimum baseline. The idea is to keep focusing on the positive.
This video is so important!! The part about "I once did this really well so I'll be able to do it again" (paraphrasing) reminds me of the thing where I think because I once drove from place A to place B in 5 minutes, I will always be able to do that. But there are so many other factors - traffic, weather, me forgetting things - that change the actual time on a subsequent trip, and it's always really hard to factor those in, even when I technically know they could come up. The brain can just latch onto that optimistic memory lol
Hi! Love your content! Even caught your ADDitude webinar. Usually when I’m a bit disregulated your videos help a lot. Today your ad read made me think that was what your video was about. That this app was what the video was about. Really really knocked me off that regulation that was left. Don’t know if it’s because everyone has an app that will “fix your life” or that any app I’ve tried has not worked, but I found it… idk? I don’t really have the words. Icky? Maybe later in the video? Idk. Like I said, I’m at disregulation station today but it really made me feel some type of way that you NEVER have before, even in much worse brain space. Anywho, really do love your content. I need to get the audio or hard copy of your book! It doesn’t like my phone for reading. Please keep the vids coming! You’re definitely part of my spicy brain education system. 💖
I just started going through the ‘radical guide for women with adhd’ book last night with a friend and really loved learning how to reframe things! If I have a goal or need to produce a certain result I can now figure out how to do it in a way that suits my abilities rather than trying to do it the way “neurotypicals” do it. I also have gotten better at not beating myself up over not doing it the “normal” way. I’m finding my own normal and that’s worked so much better than “you’re just not applying yourself”!
I usually don't sign up for free trials because I don't want to have to remember to cancel, so when you said I didn't need to enter a CC for the free trial, I clicked the link SO FAST!
Thank you so much for making this video! As someone with ADD, I found it incredibly relatable. I’ve been searching for a channel like yours, and I even hit the notification bell-something I never do. Now, if I could just find a channel focused on dyslexia, or maybe I’ll create one since those two tend to go hand in hand. Once again, thank you. I'm also trying to make videos, and it’s ridiculously hard, especially when diving into the Vtubing genre.
What works for me is: "Don't try harder, just try again." Sometimes I need to repeat something multiple times before I understand it, am familiarised enough with it, and can get it right. The number of attempts to get it right varies (sometimes stupidly so) but you'll get there in the end with sheer persistence. Just don't do it all at once; spread out the difficulty and you spread out the stress.
This video speaks to me so much as this is definitely a trap I fall into both from myself and from others telling me to try harder. One thing that I have definitely found that helps keep me on track is lists on my phone, using the calendar and making notes on my phone as well. It only works if I remember to put these things in them and even then I have found that I have days that are a struggle but I have definitely noticed that it helps.
I know you said you made this video for yourself and anybody it could help. Well, i am happy, i guess happy, to say yes!! This is absolutely helpful to others, me especially!! This has summed up my recent struggles with work and trying to figure out if i should get a new job and being discouraged from moving in any direction what so ever. I hope to go back to school so i can do what i want in life but ive been getting so down from "do better" or "try harder" hitting me at work that it has really made me doubt my abilities and feel like im just stupid, lazy, or "using your ADD as a crutch". That last one hurts the most. So thank you greatly for making this video!! I really want to share this with anyone who this could help them understand me and others and to use this for myself. Thank you again!!! ❤
Acknowlidging the existing effort is INSANELY helpful. (For me at least) . Ive been having a really hard time going to work lately and for 2 years I thought no one cared about my struggles untill my boss made a post on our work thingy stating that they really appreciate how hard I work and that my effort is noticed. Especially on my bad days. I legit cried when I read that. My effort is noticed!!!!!! It feels great!
Hi Jessica, I wanted to tell you that I found one of my "staplers" because of you, I had watched that video where you described the "stapler" concept. Last week, I was huddled over my laptop on the coffee table, cursing, as I do, because it's far too low for me. I'd often hit the wrong keys, and it hurt my back as well. Then, I remembered your video, and went out and bought an adjustable computer stand that allows me to raise the laptop 8". It may seem like a small thing, but believe me, it makes a huge difference. I've been thinking about my routines and am on the lookout for other "staplers". Thank you.
Finding ways to work with the way I tick instead of against it is the best strategy for me for success. And being flexible because what works for me often needs tweaked or changed up or switching strategies in some way. Knowing your shortcomings helps. Some of mine are inconsistency, time blindness, being indecisive, outta sight outta mind, and being bored with things/ getting distracted with thoughts. Some things that help is pairing tasks with listening to music or podcasts or videos but changing content based on mood needs that day. Allowing extra time and flexibility. Using multiple timers for various things. Limiting choices on things or giving myself extra time to decide or having go to items. Just some things that help.
It's very true. In my early days of college, I would push so hard to get perfect grades on every assignment. It would be fine for the first 2 months, but by the end of the semester I would he so exhausted that I would stop completing work completely or studying for tests. Just thinking of working even more felt like torture. I had to get better at pacing myself, not aiming for perfection, but reasonable expectations of completion.
Thanks to Sunsama for sponsoring this video! If you’ve been trying harder and feeling stuck, Sunsama is one tool that can help. It's a fantastic digital daily planner designed to help combat burnout. They’re offering a free trial with no credit card needed if you use my link: www.sunsama.com/a/jessicafromhowtoadhd
Any free apps😅 the budget is too tight
My key word is adaptation but adaptation requires understanding your ADHD. Trying harder typically means following rules not designed for us
Am I the only one who finds a to do list too bossy? Even my own list of things I really want to get done, as soon as it is written down, I feel deep resistance. Maybe because it steals my motivation (doing it because I thought of it and want to do it vs doing it because this list tells me to)
Tools for how to put lists together haven't worked for me in the past, but I'm always ready to give a new tool a try!
I don't use it myself, but Trello is really similar.
@@gordonandmaggie6324100% same for me. Sometimes I feel dread before writing something I *really* want to do on a to-do list because I feel like it lowers the probability I will actually do it. But if I don’t write it down I will forget it 😅
With ADHD, no matter how much effort you put in, it’s like fighting an invisible enemy that’s always two steps ahead who knows your every move and the finish line keeps moving further away every time you think you’re close.
And everyone is mad at you.
💯!
Well said, it’s ruined big parts of my life and I’m close to believing there’s no hope in anything helping the adhd
I've always thought a teacher or admin telling student (or a teacher) to "Try harder' was the same as saying FU. It's utterly meaningless and unhelpful. And when you do put in more effort (hyper focus) and get amazing results these same fixed mindset people resent it or pretend not to notice. (Or the mean teachers' clique actively try to undermine you.)
I'm in my sixties and as I sit in my house surrounded by photographs I've made, the art of my friends. thousands of books I've read, furniture I've deigned and built, writing... what I am is perpetually frustrated by procrastination, distraction and delays... (from writing a book I've been working on for a couple of years.) And yet.... It really helps to be surrounded by accomplishments. I didn't understand this until I was 50. I would regularly feel as though I had never accomplished anything.
It's like the Micheal Jackson Moonwalk. It appears that I'm heading in the wrong direction, but I'm actually making great progress.
That is put so perfectly. Especially when the exhaustion sets in and won't leave!
When lack of effort is not the problem, trying harder is not the solution. I like that.
Honestly, even when it _is_ a lack of effort, trying harder is almost certainly still not the solution. Because a lack of effort is pretty much never the core issue-there’s almost always something behind it. Maybe they don’t have safe access to needed help/resources, or they’ve learned from experience that their efforts won’t be noticed or rewarded, or maybe the ask is in contradiction with other needs or demands. People generally want to be effective and productive, so if they’re truly not even trying, it’s very likely that there’s something in the way.
I've been saying this for years. Yet most people can't wrap their heads around it.
I totally love this, finally I have something I can say back to neurotypical people
My dad once commiserated that he and I are both like shooting stars that "burn twice as bright for half as long." The effort of constantly trying too hard is definitely unsustainable.
I love that metaphor!
@@PlekkieThuis Thanks, I did too. It was sad to think about, but it also put it into words so perfectly.
And it’s so tiring, I feel like I have to sleep for 12 hours after
Yup! I exhausted myself at work by 2pm yesterday. Today was better as I took the meds.
That is a terrific analogy.
Working with ADHD is like running a tough mudder when your colleagues are running a flat 5k race. Telling us to "try harder" makes me want to scream.
I always describe it as trying to run up a hill in a lead suit. If I got that suit removed.. I'd run up that hill so fast, with how much I've been training 😂
It’s almost as bad as people saying “just”. Just do this, just focus more, just get more sleep, just try harder!!!
I fricken hate that!@@jaylynn7493
"Try Different Before Try Harder" is getting written on every wipe board! Thank you for that. 🧡
putting this on a list and an alarm and then hopefully doing it eventually 👍🏻
Seriously considering tattoo…..
@@loriallen67 oohhhh I like the tattoo idea. It would be a nice addition
Literally sent this to my bosses. They're super supportive, but confused by the strict scheduling I use to stay on task .
yes!!! I was hoping that would happen with this one. That it would be something we can share with the people who don't get it yet
What does this look like for you?
I can't try harder because I'm already trying my hardest. It's an impossible ask. It's someone else saying, "Your effort isn't enough," when it truly feels like too much effort on my part.
Exactly. And then after years of it, I finally accepted that I wasn't enough.
Relatable
"Try harder" does one thing for me. Hit's the ntro button on burning out.
"Try harder" does one thing for me, Switches my mind off
@@nw8000 Same!
same and I am currently trying to recover from it
In sports that meant at 14 getting shingles and at 18 busting my knees for life. For academics and work the burnout is not as obvious.
@@nw8000 I love that mind off when when I'm swimming or climbing. I wonder how Michael Phelps describes it.
I was recently told "Try harder or you will be FIRED!"
Part of our 'workplace values' are Professionalism, Respect, and Empathy. Yeah...!
No biggie.. I've only worked there for 32 years.
Lawyer up now. They are looking to ditch you.
So sorry. I hope you have a labor union. Call them.
Also ADHD is one of the listed disabilities requiring work place accommodations according to the ADA dot gov website. They might think twice trying to fire someone due to their disability... I believe this channel has a video on that website as well.
@@alexanderlopez5464You have to request accommodations in general. Also you have to be honest if the role is a fit.
@@lijohnyoutube101 They've been there for 32 years, seems unlikely role fit is suddenly a problem now. More likely boss's greed just inflated with the times
Trying harder brought me major depression. Don't do it, and also don't listen to NTs if they try to push you to try harder. Be kind and try to recognise, if you internalised it.
As an INTJ, I find a lot of the ESJ's are the ones yelling to try harder, not other NT's. They see it more like a sport anyway and believe that productivity is simply a gauge of how much physical effort you put into something. (Even though the ones in upper admin aren't actually contributing any sweat equity themselves, they feel "qualified" to call out everyone else.)
@@Puccinidb They likely meant Neurotypicals.
@@ladel1805 Yes, I ment Neurotypical :) and to clarify. I was the one pushing myself the most. But thats why you have to carefully listen to your inner world. Because in my case, I adapted basically lots of ableism from around me to a point where I still cant differentiate between lazy, executive dysfunction and an absolut need for a break. So. Take care of yourselfs, Brains. Only you can do that.
I had a coworker who if you got stuck and he couldn't help, would jokingly say "uh, have you tried trying harder?". He was well aware that it's the most useless and unhelpful suggestion you can give someone, and it came across that way in the tone. I thought it was hilarious and it really fits the message in this video.
I also have a friend who asks, "have you tried giving up?" in the same situations. Equally unhelpful but it does help gauge my own motivation to deal with something.
I like the have you tried giving up! Sometimes I have to do that for a while... then I can cope and finish a task. I just have to stay away from the shame.
Haha love it. Sometimes it's good to ask ourselves if we really want to quit, even if the answer is "no" because at least it reminds us of our motivation!
I struggle with inconsistency. And then the problem of, if I was able to "try harder" and do it that one time, I should be able to do it again. Which leads to burnout. It's a cycle.
Yes. That. Thank you for putting it into words.
I like my friend's analogy that ADHD meds for your brain are like glasses for your eyes.
"See harder!"
"I'm trying!"
That's brilliant im using that from now on :D
This is a really great analogy, because you actually can see a little better effortfully (by squinting and/or straining your focusing muscles), but it’s a lot of effort for very little improvement. It’ll tire you out and give you a headache, and then your vision is gonna be even worse than baseline.
40 Years undiagnosed watching motivational and life-hack videos to just destroy my self esteem
I can relate to this so much! I'm 41 and was just diagnosed earlier this year. Don't give up! Let's keep at it together!
I’m sorry you’re going through that right now.💛 Out of curiosity, have you tried doing the things that Jessica talks about? What is it that is making you feel so bad about yourself? Is it a sense of shame? Is it your family members telling you things that make you feel worse about yourself? Is it the feeling that you aren’t worth the effort? I struggle with this too, and I don’t yet have an answer for you. But I hope you know that you aren’t alone.♥️
Watch more Jessica. She's one of us.
I was hospitalized twice misdiagnosed with bipolar and my life was a complete mess. I got diagnosed a couple years ago with ADHD started medication and learned some tools and strategies and finally at 38 I have been at the same job for over a year now! Longest was 8 months before and usually wanting to quit from stress and anxiety and depression after a month!
If you find coming to truth and learning is negatively impacting your self esteem then seek out therapy. That is very likely an additional challenge to dig into.
"Just try harder" feels so toxic and only reminds me of those hustler influencers. Doesn't work for me.. Nothing really works for me anymore. I'm depressed and stuck in one giant freeze mode. I feel constant imprisonment and it's driving me nuts..
Slow progress is still a progess
@@Basil-HD I know, but then some obsticle come and push me even further back than where I started.
I hear that.
@@joshuagies4900 this absolute brain freeze is getting on my nerves.. No matter how many good tips I get from psychologists and other educational people online regarding to my health and mind, I can't utilize any of it.. My brain doesn't let me. I'm so frustrated.
@@elin_ Have you tried working with a therapist who is experienced helping people with ADHD? My therapist is really helpful. It took some trial and error to find the right therapist, and it's also taken a couple of years for me to unlearn the destructive thoughts and habits I had/have, but it's been super helpful. I also understand being too tired, frustrated, burnt out and overwhelmed to even start the process of finding the right therapist. So, if you're not ready, I get that. I hope you will find what works for you eventually, though. Everyone deserves to live a healthy life.
I needed to hear this today as a person with ADHD who comes from a community whose idea of trying harder or doing better was "you can take a break when you're dead."
you sound "German"... just kidding but I know this goxic attitude
4:43 "take a level of exhaustion" my dnd brain loved this way of phrasing it
Same, I never thought about it that way and it really brought my mental fatigue issues together for me.
Me too! I also love to compare my energy and capability for the day to what spell slots I have available. 😂
Same. That increasing penalty as you take more levels of exhaustion is a great way to explain why doing things gets progressively harder until we keel over, crash, and then require many long rests to get back to functional
Glad I'm not the only one who saw that 😂
Same here! I heard that and said, "Ah, a DND player or at least around someone who plays."
It's so funny you posted this, as just yesterday I was explaining to my fiancé that I'm realizing when I'm being too intense and pushing too hard to achieve a goal/complete a task, it always backfires and goes badly, if I manage to do it at all. I'm learning that's a signal for me to "try easier." Usually that equates to relaxing about a task's importance or urgency, remembering what I enjoy about a task, and soaking up the fun aspects of it. Once my brain realizes, "oh this could actually be fun and appealing!" or "oh I'm not paralyzed at the thought of failing at this!", it's easier to find the energy and motivation to attempt it again, and it almost always achieves better results.
I completely relate! I just said this to my friend a short while ago!
❤ "try easier" ❤
love this. just wrote "try easier" on a sticky note for myself on my desk. thank you for this!
Some times even when an ADHDer gives up it can be due to Depression or other comorbidities
Like my anxiety. I feel pressured to do stuff like plan my week and even try a little harder, so I just end up wasting time and not getting things done.
"Try harder" ended up working for me until it didn't. It means that I'm hypersensitive to criticism, I've built myself a reputation of doing hard things, and I fully expect everyone to be working as hard as I work.
The thing about that is: other people, like neurotypical people, *do not work this hard* and they mostly don't even notice. It means I'm prone to overworking and burnout but hey my work ethic can't be questioned 🤦♀️🙄 except by me! 😭
Ever try to pass a project off to someone answer absolutely scare the new guy with the level of overwhelm you hyperactivity spurt out at him lol
good point.
As a (medicated) trainee teacher, thank you Jessica for helping people like me realise that getting diagnosed with ADHD is not something to be ashamed of. This channel is incredibly supporting to have a human voice explaining all the things we never quite understood; additionally, we can help the students in our class without getting mad when they forget a pen, or a piece of HW.
Your ND kids will love having you for a role model. If one of my kids' teachers had said, "Hey, it's ok. I get it. I have adhd too." it would have helped them feel less alone. So thank you for caring for you so you can care for our kiddos. ❤
My son's school has several teachers diagnosed with ADHD. They are always willing to go the extra mile and do one on one tutoring.
So different from the last school that only wanted him to figure it out.
I need a short video on how to explain to my boss that telling me 'try harder' and moving the goalpost without acknowledgement of my huge effort to be consistent is very dismotivating :( some bosses don't understand the value of positive feedback at all and think that just by berating you every time you are going to try harder...
Your boss sounds toxic enough that you should look for work give the minimum, tell him everything in email, so you have the paper trail.
I agree with @steggopotamus. Look for another job. Start the paper trail. A berating boss is usually a bully who doesn't consider others, does not take responsibility, is horribly shallow and unobservant. No one needs to work for this kind of boss.
@@steggopotamus paper trail for what?
@@paperlady if he gets you fired, you have already "beat him to the punch" when you bring it up with his higher ups. On rare occasions, it can get the bully boss fired or you reassigned with a better manager.
"The first one to plead his cause seems right, until his neighbor comes and examines him." Being the first one to plead your case, especially in a power differential, is a big deal.
@@blazertundraAnd to add to the pros of a paper trail, paper trail and a journal of what was said and done always helps to refer back to in cases of unemployment compensation in the US if the company contests it. Remember, bcc to a backup personal email, or print, or take pic, because you won't have access to work email once you don't work for them.
I'm trying really hard to understand that I don't have to give 100% with everything... It's such a learning curve because something in me has always felt that if I don't give my full 100% then it's not going to cut it..... Pretty much with every job, hobby and side quest I ever did. And I always wondered why I was burnt out 😅😅
I also tend to do that
It might have to do with the attentional dysregulation, where ADHDers either hyperfocus or get bored
It's hard to force myself to rest when I'm in the flow, but it helps for the bad brain days
Changing my environment when I can, is one of my favorites.
Also, trying to change the perspective to "what can I gain for myself" as in learning or personal fulfillment from "I need to do this because it's an obligation."
Amazing perspective!
@@phoebekibe9842 thanks!
Yep, this hits close to home. It basically falls under what I would like to call the ADHD trifecta; Hyperfocus, Panic, and Burnout.
Things are easy with hyperfocus, but is unsustainable long term.
Things are easy when you're blitzing a deadline, but is unsustainable long term.
Burnout is the end result of the end of either, and is avoided by avoiding riding on the hyperfocus and/or panic train for too long.
I'm currently stuck deep in burnout myself right now, and it's been extremely difficult to do much of anything unless I get lucky enough to get a bit of hyperfocus. My panic reflex is completely gone at this point.
I hope you can recover with rest and time. Be well❤
OMG, YES!!!
I'm with you. In fact I'm watching this/reading comments instead of doing timesheets I was asked to complete "early", which measures up to due about 3 hours ago.
I have a little list (no more than 5x 5min tasks,) of really short fun light things related to project/ topic etc that are valuable to overall goals but have no urgency. When i am spinning my wheels i jump to these, I usually get a flow happening and then can start to chip away at whatever overwhelmed me.
These things can be sending thank you note to someone on the team for their effort or contribution. Ordering office snacks. Getting up and taking a 5 minute lap around the office, waving hi but not saying anything to anyone i meet.
That's an interesting idea. I'll give it a try. Thank you!
"If you just tried harder..." was basically my entire childhood and adolescence because I got terrible grade because, surprise, I was unable to reliably get my homework done. I slid by because I was able to hyperfocus and cram for tests and ace them. And I really did learn plenty throughout school but even if I knew the material fairly well, sitting down and getting my brain to focus on doing the homework was nearly impossible.
Still is, I just have more support (and a diagnosis and medication) as an adult. Its hard to let go of the fact that all the adults in my life growing up more or less failed me. They failed to recognize my obvious symptoms and get me the help I didn't know I needed. Dwelling on this isn't helpful (and is honestly just frustrating and sort of depressing) but man is it hard to let that go and focus on moving forward.
Part of that also is being honest about where society was in its understanding of ADHD. My mom for example kept telling the pediatrician office I had adhd but they were like, ‘ no that’s really like a crazy hyperactive boy thing.
I have the combo adhd so can be hyper but organized is harder and I am a girl and girls have been proven to mask significantly more so.
Sometimes I have found out that being calm and actually trying NOT as hard helps. Here's an example: when I started working as a dishwasher/busser at the Denny's where I work, I was trying very hard to get things done quickly to be able to impress and get through the probationary period. As a result, I'd end up going too fast and dropping dishes, tipping over sanitizer buckets, etc. Once I started to slow down, I got actually got faster.
its really frustrating to hear this in school. my teacher keeps telling me i should try harder, not be distracted. she makes me not sit with my friend "so im not distracted" but the thing distracting me is my brain going with all thoughts. or when im understimulated and i just space out. they keep telling me to try harder and its just frustrating to hear. looking forward to watching the video :D
Yeah honestly that sounds like a bad teacher if they can't recognise that your friend isn't the source of your distraction
@@SoLongSpaceCatthat’s harder to spot to an uneducated eye than you think.
Do you have an ADHD diagnosis and accommodations? If not, it's unreasonable to expect the teacher to treat you as if you did. If you do, then you need to adjust your accommodations so they work better.
@pendlera2959
If your parents don't interviene on your behalf you might need to go to a school counselor or some who is familiar with ADHD. With the right people in your corner you will succeed.
1:08 this, exactly. "Try harder" or any equally useless platitude is an instant off-switch, nothing makes me quit faster or more completely.
4am, on extended procrastination marathon....
So, i feel the need for this video, thanks
I just read the title and already got a little emotional. I'm overwhelmed by anxiety and worrying that people think I'm lazy, while at the same time I'm exhausting myself to "try harder". Because my effort and the outcome never match. I have to put in so much effort to do "simple" tasks. Thanks Jess, your channel brings a lot of comfort, support and much needed guidance
"She has so much potential, if she would only apply herself." Literally every grade school report card
Something that happened a lot to me when I "try harder" is I will put even more effort into that ONE thing like a college project but then other stuff gets little effort or pushed for another day. The things that get pushed for another day then causes a bit of panic because now I just put myself on crunch time
this, it happens a lot for me in uni, balancing the importanse of subjects it hard, let alone final exams week whit two exams, over the years it became harder and harder for me to do more than one final exam per finals week call. I usually put more tons of effort becuse i stuggle in one of them an the other goes more slowly in return
I’ve played D&D but I’ve never thought to bring “take a level of exhaustion” into my real life! Man that’s good! It’s so accurate
Best advice I ever heard which has been helping me with returning to university from full time work is to work when my focus is high. So I like to read in the morning or just before bed, but writing happens earlier in the afternoon when my brain is happier doing something with the research instead of learning the information. I don't always have successful days, and I've had a few deadlines that meant I needed to push through (I could definitely see the difference in my work) but I've also handed a few things in early and got great marks. I still really need to exercise regularly and lose weight as this is definitely a roadblock for me.
The third reason about sustainability hit me in the chest almost physically. Especially because i had those exact feelings yesterday. This was a good moment to reflect on that. Thank you sharing this!
Just the title and I'm already 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 or "you really need to be 'on'" which I've heard recently.
honestly i am usually a fiercely independent person, but when i absolutely cannot bring myself to complete a task no matter how hard i try, i ask a friend to body double me, wether that's just over the phone or actually having them come over and sit with me while i complete the task. if i can't get anyone to do that, listening to music or a podcast helps sometimes, but accountability buddies are definitely my first choice, they make a huge difference to me!
I recently got a job as a school Custodian and this is a brand new skill set for me. Everyday my boss tells me I need to be fast and I always felt like crap at the end of the day, even if I accomplished all my tasks, because I wasn't reaching that golden "finish" time me boss was stressing.
I finally figured out if I change my flow path and leave some duties for every other day cleaning I was finally able to hit that time limit.
I struggled so much with this and I am so greatful you made this video. Even if you made it for you, just to get it out there, I feel so seen and valued.
Thank you for making this awesome videos ❤
Mel Robbin's 5 second rule help me. And just STARTING whatever it is I need to do (even just grabbing the item I need to do it with). Not looking past that most minute step helps me a lot because that's often the hardest part for me.
This video came in a perfect timing bcs my current job is requiring alot of effort and time and i really needed someone to tell me try different things instead of people around me telling me try harder , don't be soft etc
It’s so nice to finally feel understood. 43 years old. Was diagnosed last year. I am grateful for your videos and book. Read your book and cried and cried when reading the old strategies part. I always did feel like I was trying so hard. Never understood why I could not function. Now I know.
My goto is try or do something different, and later return to the main task. Oft times related activities can shake your brain loose and enable you to do the thing or get closer.
For me, it's not so much about trying harder. It's fighting the impulsivity that comes with ADHD by self control and rejecting the fake dreams that a cheap dopamine rush can give you. I have to accept my intelligence being insulted due to the bad patterns I've had in the past and the fact that I must exclude myself from certain spaces that I don't belong in order to find my place. It can be a very lonely road, but I am working on accepting it and going from there. I will feel invisible for awhile until I can get myself together.
yeah, I get what you mean.
There with ya. 🫂
I actually like the outfit change at 2:43 because I glanced back at the screen and realized I'd missed a bit because I hadn't been paying attention. I could go back and rewatch sooner than I would have without the visual cue...
So many of these videos is such a rollercoaster ride of "Yay! things I can use to do better in the future" and Reliving horrible experiences and struggles growing up because I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD yet.
Right there with you
also, worth noting, your 100% can look different from day to day. That helped me a lot with the guilt of "but I was able to do it last time, so why not now?"
Because you don't have that much to give that day. The important part is that you ARE giving 100%, no matter how much that turns out to be. You can't choose your amount of resources, only how you spend it.
I didn't get my ADHD diagnosis until my late 20s, and I didn't really believe any of it until my early-mid 30s. But when I started reading about other people's experiences of ADHD, one thing that had been bothering me since at least junior high finally became clear: "Why don't other people seem to struggle with everyday tasks like I do? Why don't other people get so anxious and overwhelmed at the thought of doing things or socializing?"
There’s that old quote that goes like, “If you want a job done fast, ask a lazy person,” and when you take the judgment out of the language 🙄 that’s the goal. Let me find the most efficient, quick, low effort way to get the result I need because working harder than I need to is just going to mess me up. Let me figure out how to hack it or make a faster system and then let me go take a long break. I’m good at finding the easiest way to do a thing (and a lottt of people are doing things in the least efficient way possible, so there’s always opportunity to do it my way and save time 😂)
I've designed my life in a way that lets me do things I enjoy. I enjoy my job. I enjoy my side gig. I don't think of it in terms of forcing myself to try harder anymore.
Instead I spend effort at improving the things that will give me more energy to enjoy the things in my life that I love. So I try harder at eating well. I try harder at getting enough water. I try harder at going to sleep on time. And I let my ADHD have the rest of my day to play however it wants. There will always be stuff that HAS to get done, that I am not looking forward to. (I really need to go to the DMV and update my address on my driver's license...) But I don't structure my whole day around things that fill me with dread. Cause that sucks.
My top tool that I am just now slowly learning how to use is to be consciously proud of myself for the effort I put in, and to know that even if my outcomes are not perfect, my effort itself is something I need to recognize and be proud of. Because if I’m not proud of myself I crumble and I deserve the pride because I work hard for it, even if my outcomes aren’t perfect. Reminding self over and over again.
You have no idea how much your videos help me. I always feel like I'm broken, then I watch your videos, and I see I'm not alone.
Great timing. Feeling exhausted from trying harder. It's hard to explain to people around me how I'm really trying my best. I hear a lot of “But you're so smart, why is your project not moving faster?” It's good to hear from other people feeling the same way I do. I have been trying to work “smarter”, a version of working “different”. That, and “smallest step forward manageable” keeps me rolling when I just want to quit. Now I just need to allow myself breaks. I love seeing other's ways of dealing with ADHD. Thank you so much!
this is exactly what i need right now.
having grown up in the 80s with depression era guardians, i was taught to succeed, and to try hard. i *start* at 100%. if i'm failing, it's not because i need help - never need help! - it's bc i'm not trying hard enough.
now i'm 46, never finished college, never held a job, never even followed my dreams. and now i'm perimenopausal and i *can't* try harder, i can't even pretend that's an option.
so as i try to learn to navigate my life with audhd, *knowing* i have audhd, and perimenopause, it's like... the only skill i *had* was trying harder, so what is there instead?
all that's to say, thank you so much for making this 💙
this...helped me see myself in a completely different way. you have no idea how much this video you made for yourself helped someone clueless about themselves. thank you so so much
This!!! It took me 40 years and multiple burnouts and depressions to start understanding why my perfectionism and trying my hardest didn't help. 😢 It's incredibly insulting to tell someone they just are not bothering to try hard enough, when they are all the time fighting with all their might.
top of the list when I need to sit down to work on something:
1.make sure I have snack + drink within reach of where I'm working, and also use the toilet before sitting down to work
->It means less reasons to get up
2.step two is to set up a reasonable level of Chosen Distraction:
->my work needs 50% of my focus? Alright, I set up a podcast/audiobook/let's play, that will soak the the remaining 50%
->work needs 90%? set up well-known, maybe even lyric-less music with headphones in a set playlist, so it's familiar changes
->my work mostly needs like 60-70% focus, so I have a playlist that is full of songs I like singing along to, which I play and sing along to, like vocal stimming - if I don't feel like doing that, I re-listen to a podcast (it's not new anymore, so it doesn't need as much focus, but also, since adhd made me forget most details, it's still engaging)
->if work needs very little mental focus, then new audiobook (20/80% split)
I may need to watch this video on a continuous loop for a while... this one hit different. Thank you for what you do.
This hit very close to home. I've been told to "try harder" since I was a kid, and it was never fair because the problem wasn't "I'm not trying," it was system failures. Chronic sleep deprivation I didn't choose (sleep disorders are comorbid with ADHD!), unsupportive or even actively unsafe learning environments, unsustainable class demands... But it was all "my fault."
Not only did this mindset from the people in power during my formative years _not_ help me succeed in middle and high school, it essentially locked me out of higher education. I can't be in class environments anymore without getting physically ill. It didn't just "not prepare" me, it left me _less_ prepared than I'd been to start with.
You just explained alot of why I have a harder time working with one of my co-workers, I don't want to talk back at her, but I also want her to understand that trying harder just doesn't work for me! Thank you so much for making this video, it's extremely helpful for all ADHDers who have a harder time explaining things like this without someone interpretting this as attitude!
This makes a lot of sense, especially the burnout/exhaustion. I kept being told to try harder which eventually lead me to pushing me beyond my normal limits constantly. Thus then reduced my giving 100% to like 95%, 90%, etc, until I had nothing left. In addition to my 100% now being like 5% of what it used to be, my ADHD symptoms are much more extreme than they used to be, especially my anxiety that comes along with it. These days if I don't take anxiety meds I'll have anxiety for literally no reason, and with the meds I still get anxiety from the smallest things. And so anyways I'm on Disability now trying to recover, but between the extra effort I need to put un for basic life functions like feeding myself and the constant mental torture perpetually in my head, I make little to no progress with a tumble back down that hill losing all my progress all the time.
So These days I can relax and do what I want whenever I want, but even a physically relaxing day will feel exhausting. It's a neverending cycle
I relate. 😢
I am not struggling with ADHD but still find this and a lot of your other content helpful for myself.
I struggle with constantly taking on too much, because at the moment I do it, I can. But I never stop to ask myself "yeah, but can I keep that up? Is it sustainable?"
Your input to consider this just clicked with my brain and heart, because being reliable is very important to me. So I now have a new tool to care better for myself, thanks to your work. I am very grateful and happy for that.
As a kid, I found my inconsistent abilities difficult, frustrating and opened me up to an obnoxious amount of scrutiny so I eventually learned that even if I knew I had more to give, I chose not to because It was easier to deal with being consistently mediocre than the ups and downs.
I think an important thing is to protect sleep and other basic needs is the key for preventing burnout. I actually think it's good to try harder, but protect yourself from burnout through concrete steps like insisting on a 7-8 hour sleep period and (even in the most emergency situation where you might hyperfocus and stay up to finish something) never ever go lower than 5 hours of sleep. Another one: recognize when you may be entering an anxiety-driven spiral where your fears are not aligned with reality. Don't panic, instead try to focus and remember that essentially no one starves to death in the US. You're gonna make it, even if it doesn't feel like it!
Omg yes! For the longest time I kept asking/telling myself "I used to keep a clean house. Why can't I do it now? I should be able to do it now!" Not taking into account having children or a new job or moving and just being overwhelmed. Peri/menopause hasn't helped either. Looking back at the past has helped because I've realized the ups and downs and that it WAS doable but I need to give myself grace for life changes... Big and small.
This video resonated sssooo much with me! As a kid, I struggled to keep my grades up like the other "good little girls" and fell asleep in class out of sheer boredom. As an adult, I still struggle with fatigue but also working memory, executive function, etc. I noticed that when I pushed myself hard at work, I was absolutely depleted for days afterward. I've finally been diagnosed (at 43 yo!) and now on meds, which have been a game changer!! My "hacks" include, taking the time to meal plan and cook 2 recipes for meals for the week, the day before the work week starts, one for lunches, one for dinners and healthy snacks available. I try to override the bedtime avoidance and get ready for bed early on work nights and JUST GO TO BED. I get more time asleep this way. And advocate for myself where necessary, be it at work, with my doctor and even with myself. I try to give myself some space and grace!
it is hilarious, that a day i am saying to try harder. Your video gives me the security i need to put try harder at the bottom f my priority list. Your videos have helped me a lot to understand ADHD better and hope my life improves from this. Thank you so much.
"So much potential, try harder" Every report card growing up, and my ex wife. Those words are like daggers.
The go-to strategy that I seriously underutilize is going on a walk. It is SO EASY to do, and makes a huge difference me, but I either simply forget to, or don't want to approach problems any way but head-on, and deprioritize healthiness.
Same
I gave up trying harder (just trying really) decade ago. Now I just let myself do what ever catches my interest in the moment.
Your speaking to my soul. This really helped. Wish I would have had some of this information growing up. I really struggled as a kid with adhd. Writing things down is a game changer for me now. That and absolutely being gracious and kind to myself, especially when I'm struggeling, even when others are not. Pressure only makes it worse.
I can't even count how often I've gone "here is a mountain of evidence that I will perform better if I stop trying harder and actually relax" only to be told "but you just need to try harder"
Makes me legitimately want to scream.
this is so good to hear. thank you! (one thing I just noticed in the video that is distracting to me is the background music. have you considered skipping that feature?)
Important!
I only hear it now that I saw this comment. DARN. I can't unhear it now lol
THIS is one of the most accurate descriptions of a weekly or daily struggle with ADHD WOW!!!!
I love this, thank you so much for verbalizing this issue. I remember those very specific phrases as a child but when I became a teen and then an adult, things like “you have so much potential you just need to try harder” turned into “if you cared it would be done. If you cared more it wouldn’t be an issue.” And honestly that made me want to give up more than anything. I could always double down, burn myself out and try harder. But being told that it was because I didn’t care about what I was doing was such a gut punch. Of course I care; that’s why I’ve been crying over the thing I haven’t been able to finish for three days straight. But to them- I didn’t care, they didn’t even expect me to keep trying so I stopped trying and THEN I stopped caring. I heard this a lot from people I was in relationships in when it came to communication and remembering to text back. My memory issues are not due to the fact that I don’t care. Im lucky to be with someone now who fully understands that.
Watching this feels like receiving a hug.
An angry momma-bear hug :)
My flavor of this is that I generally struggle when I'm doing things fast to try to get as much done as possible, most likely before I lose motivation. Since I already have the impetus going for me I am trying to stop and take a breath when I notice this. Running still expends a similar energy in distance traveled as walking but pacing your self increases overall achievement/distance/etc. So pacing myself in different avenues where I know I experience the frustration of wanting to get things done quickly has greatly decreased my overall stress levels. I may not always get everything done, let's face it there's always more to do. But I definitely get more done. Also, if it's something that is sharable or more fun when doing it with a partner/companion then I recommend that over trying to go it alone. My dog is a very supportive presence even if I'm just putting away laundry.
"I was able to do it before so I should be able to do it again" one miracle justifies so many bad habits
I love task analysis. I break up an intimidating task into multiple pieces that are less intimidating, and I don't force myself to do it in a specific order. As long as I start anywhere that seems accessible, it can be done.
Another way to think about it is”try harder” is just “commit more” meaning that if your at 100% commitment, you can’t try harder, you can only try differently.
I have had migraines with aura since middle school and they always develop after periods of intense studying. In college I always used up all my energy in fall/winter semester, got excellent grades but then had periods of depression till spring/summer. In july and august I didn't want to go on vacation because I knew I had too many exams to finish in september and then came periods of intense anxiety, panic attacks and no sleep. When the last exams came I was not only burned out again but heavily depressed and stressed. On the first few exams I still got high grades but the last ones I could never finish because panic attacks and migraines escalated. I was so ashamed and dissapointed in myself I always ended up apologizing the professors for not making it through... It's a viscious cycle.
I have no experience with migraines, so this might be completely off base. But could it possibly be an issue with posture and/or hydration? I've noticed how painful my neck and shoulders are after work at a desk for hours. And, if it's not addressed, it usually leads to a headache.
And it's so easy to forget to hydrate when an ADHD brain is focusing...
Hands down, this is th ebest video you've ever made, and that is saying something. I'm a psychologist and I'm recommending this video to all of my ADHD clients and their families. I already recommend your channel. Thank you for making it!
This was such an important and validating video. My journey was kinda backwards. I learned all the coping mechanisms and later on made all the best lifestyle changes I could - diet, working out, etc and it *Still wasnt enough*. It took therapy and medication but it took getting to that point and a supervisor telling me I was falling behind for me to accept that I really had something I couldn't overcome by the tools everyone else uses alone.
Try different is pretty much how I’m handling things. I have a list of minimum baseline tasks I do every day. I check off the ones I manage to do and tot up a daily score, not as an evaluation of value, but to compare how I’m doing to yesterday. I also keep track of what I accomplish, even in a scattered way, so that when I finish something, I acknowledge it thoroughly with an attagirl. This helps me realize at the end of a day how much I have accomplished around that minimum baseline. The idea is to keep focusing on the positive.
I needed this today, thank you
This video is so important!! The part about "I once did this really well so I'll be able to do it again" (paraphrasing) reminds me of the thing where I think because I once drove from place A to place B in 5 minutes, I will always be able to do that. But there are so many other factors - traffic, weather, me forgetting things - that change the actual time on a subsequent trip, and it's always really hard to factor those in, even when I technically know they could come up. The brain can just latch onto that optimistic memory lol
Hi! Love your content! Even caught your ADDitude webinar. Usually when I’m a bit disregulated your videos help a lot. Today your ad read made me think that was what your video was about. That this app was what the video was about. Really really knocked me off that regulation that was left.
Don’t know if it’s because everyone has an app that will “fix your life” or that any app I’ve tried has not worked, but I found it… idk? I don’t really have the words. Icky? Maybe later in the video? Idk. Like I said, I’m at disregulation station today but it really made me feel some type of way that you NEVER have before, even in much worse brain space.
Anywho, really do love your content. I need to get the audio or hard copy of your book! It doesn’t like my phone for reading. Please keep the vids coming! You’re definitely part of my spicy brain education system. 💖
I just started going through the ‘radical guide for women with adhd’ book last night with a friend and really loved learning how to reframe things! If I have a goal or need to produce a certain result I can now figure out how to do it in a way that suits my abilities rather than trying to do it the way “neurotypicals” do it. I also have gotten better at not beating myself up over not doing it the “normal” way. I’m finding my own normal and that’s worked so much better than “you’re just not applying yourself”!
I usually don't sign up for free trials because I don't want to have to remember to cancel, so when you said I didn't need to enter a CC for the free trial, I clicked the link SO FAST!
Thank you so much for making this video! As someone with ADD, I found it incredibly relatable. I’ve been searching for a channel like yours, and I even hit the notification bell-something I never do. Now, if I could just find a channel focused on dyslexia, or maybe I’ll create one since those two tend to go hand in hand. Once again, thank you. I'm also trying to make videos, and it’s ridiculously hard, especially when diving into the Vtubing genre.
What works for me is: "Don't try harder, just try again."
Sometimes I need to repeat something multiple times before I understand it, am familiarised enough with it, and can get it right.
The number of attempts to get it right varies (sometimes stupidly so) but you'll get there in the end with sheer persistence.
Just don't do it all at once; spread out the difficulty and you spread out the stress.
Your videos are very encouraging for people with ADHD to know that we are doing everything we can
This video speaks to me so much as this is definitely a trap I fall into both from myself and from others telling me to try harder. One thing that I have definitely found that helps keep me on track is lists on my phone, using the calendar and making notes on my phone as well. It only works if I remember to put these things in them and even then I have found that I have days that are a struggle but I have definitely noticed that it helps.
I know you said you made this video for yourself and anybody it could help. Well, i am happy, i guess happy, to say yes!! This is absolutely helpful to others, me especially!! This has summed up my recent struggles with work and trying to figure out if i should get a new job and being discouraged from moving in any direction what so ever. I hope to go back to school so i can do what i want in life but ive been getting so down from "do better" or "try harder" hitting me at work that it has really made me doubt my abilities and feel like im just stupid, lazy, or "using your ADD as a crutch". That last one hurts the most. So thank you greatly for making this video!! I really want to share this with anyone who this could help them understand me and others and to use this for myself. Thank you again!!! ❤
Acknowlidging the existing effort is INSANELY helpful. (For me at least) . Ive been having a really hard time going to work lately and for 2 years I thought no one cared about my struggles untill my boss made a post on our work thingy stating that they really appreciate how hard I work and that my effort is noticed. Especially on my bad days. I legit cried when I read that. My effort is noticed!!!!!! It feels great!
Hi Jessica, I wanted to tell you that I found one of my "staplers" because of you, I had watched that video where you described the "stapler" concept. Last week, I was huddled over my laptop on the coffee table, cursing, as I do, because it's far too low for me. I'd often hit the wrong keys, and it hurt my back as well. Then, I remembered your video, and went out and bought an adjustable computer stand that allows me to raise the laptop 8". It may seem like a small thing, but believe me, it makes a huge difference. I've been thinking about my routines and am on the lookout for other "staplers". Thank you.
Finding ways to work with the way I tick instead of against it is the best strategy for me for success. And being flexible because what works for me often needs tweaked or changed up or switching strategies in some way. Knowing your shortcomings helps. Some of mine are inconsistency, time blindness, being indecisive, outta sight outta mind, and being bored with things/ getting distracted with thoughts. Some things that help is pairing tasks with listening to music or podcasts or videos but changing content based on mood needs that day. Allowing extra time and flexibility. Using multiple timers for various things. Limiting choices on things or giving myself extra time to decide or having go to items. Just some things that help.
It's very true. In my early days of college, I would push so hard to get perfect grades on every assignment. It would be fine for the first 2 months, but by the end of the semester I would he so exhausted that I would stop completing work completely or studying for tests. Just thinking of working even more felt like torture. I had to get better at pacing myself, not aiming for perfection, but reasonable expectations of completion.