I was left in the crib as a baby, & remember someone smothering me with their hand when I was crying. I stopped crying. I was diagnosed at about 3yo. My parent had the doctor call Administration at the hospital, & remove it from the records, because they would not "take a retard home with them". I was told to hide who I was, even from them. I was repeatedly locked in my room & left there until I couldn't even move, where I retreated inside, & eventually went to a playground in my mind. My brother used to pull me out of my room, & have me sing outside, sobbing, apologizing that he didn't get me out sooner. I think my parents might have been asleep. It took everything I had, to leave that playground, & come back to reality. I'm trying to unmask; I'm soo tired of hiding, like it's the Holocaust & I am a Jew, hiding in the walls of my own head. The struggle is real. The burnout & meltdowns are real, & are coming more frequently, as I fight to find myself. I have lost nearly everyone, & I am sinking alone into my room & into myself. I feel trapped inside myself & my trauma. I have no idea what true connection is, except with my son. I am so terrified of being exposed & hurt, so terrified of being myself, that I preemptively push nearly everyone away, & go numb. I've been severely abused my entire life, & honestly don't know what the other side (love & acceptance) looks like, feels like, smells like, etc. I've never felt more alone. I'm locking myself in my room now. Inside myself. It was how I was taught to deal with my ASD & cPTSD. Orion, thank you, for sharing yourself. It is such a kindness & charity, to share who you are. Thanks for the lifeline. I feel less broken & more human, more hopeful, more accepted, just by watching. Thank you for giving a voice to those, like me, who feel voiceless.
"make sure of all things, hold fast to what is fine"! (1Thessalonians 5 :21) you'll get there, trust it, and when you take this Bible advice, you'll only end up with what is "fine"! May it become a happier, and happier search for.... You.
I'm so sorry you've been treated like this. You have love and connection with your child, I hope that gives you comfort and healing. I hope you can get the support of a good therapist to help you process what you have been through for both of your sakes.
Your time is here, my dear friend, and I I know it would make you angry to hear this as it makes me angry most of the time, but some of us are born for such a time as this and all I can say is that it’s a time when our voices are gonna be heard and even there’s even AI out there that the shockingly helping someone like me write a book and communicate my thoughtsand I don’t know I have a feeling that there’s a time coming where we’re gonna be congratulated and you sound like you deserve so much love and so much opportunity and more than double for your trouble bless you, my friend
I was that kid in school who was always bullied. Weird, chubby, covered in cystic acne. It took me a long time to realize that life doesn't revolve around me. Things became better, slowly, as I learned to communicate. Things are still evolving, even at 57.
I recently found out I'm autistic at 22. I was punished physically as a child and learned to hide my emotions completely rather than Speaking up. I was not allowed to refuse affection and making boundaries is still a struggle.
These things can be learned. Teach your self - what feels right for you & put it into practice. > Also, learn what other person’s boundaries are as well - and respect those.
All of this is so incredibly relatable. ❤❤❤😥😥 And for me, I think, "I'm going to divorce him, he's mean, he doesn't love me, he's going to leave me, I'll leave him before he can." A pretty regular struggle. Thank you so much for discussing this.
I appreciated the joke about "autistic blackout". I'm recently diagnosed at 37 and in a state of hoovering up information, sometimes without a lot of critical thinking. For a moment I was like "oh, autistic blackout, of course that's a thing and I've definitely experienced it!" It was a joke, but also the little reminder I need to have a bit more discernment. I think I'm trying to make every little autistic trait somehow fit into my life story.
"Your punishment at times was physical." My mom used to tell us she should just spank us every morning to get it over with. I threw my belt in the dumpster before second grade so she couldn't whip me with it anymore, and refused to wear another until I was in high school. Just to add to the fun, she was my biggest bully from before I can remember things. Worst was that she made fun of my physical attributes. Small wonder I developed CPTSD and had to diagnose other things before finally reaching the conclusion I'm also autistic… in my fifties.
@BaskingObscurity So so sorry you went through so much trauma. It seems so many Autistic children have suffered abuse from the ones who should have loved and protected us the most. When I was a child in the 50s, Autism was not known about and now I am am self diagnosed awaiting an assessment, I am learning the groundwork and I realise with great sadness that I think my mother as well as my father had some spectrum disorders. I particularly feel the sadness of my mothers mental disorder as she was a foreigner, a single mother until I was about 4 or five and she grew up in nazi Austria having been born in 1929. So many surrounding issues can mask autism even when we do not. She did not use a belt on me but she could be mentally cruel and that left its scars of insecurity which ran very deeply within me. I have managed to forgive her in my heart though so sad we could not talk it through as she is no longer with us. I feel your rejection, hurt, abandonment. I really believe Autism is a gift now as I have met some angelic innocents on the Spectrum already - before I knew I was autistic myself, and it is such a privilege to spend some time with them, to learn, share, and love. I send you my purest virtual hug.
Anybody else have the experience of being told as an adult, the person whose acceptance and support you need most is you? Game freaking changer. I use DBT and STOP and Gently Turning the Mind used with Nonjudgmentally are some of my favorites. A special interest even. May God bless the children everywhere in every time. Thank you Orion for posting so tenaciously and vulnerably.
In 1st grade I had meltdowns almost daily, at least once I ran all the way home mid school day. The " Teacher" kept a chart at the front of the room just on me, putting frowning faces on meltdown days and I got a sticker on non meltdown days... rewarding "normal" behavior and showing all my peers how I wasn't like them, as if they didn't already know. That's when I remember knowing nothing about me was ok. I only remember bits and pieces of life prior to 7th grade. But that's when I knew
That was very helpful! Thank you! Would love to hear more about how to help an autistic adult that was hurt as a child. How to make them open up and feel accepted and loved.
I really struggle with defensiveness. Especially at work. I’m always afraid of losing my job. Any feedback or suggestions sound like criticism. It makes me feel childish for my reaction of upset. Like my employer isn’t being mean, but that’s how I feel. Trying to mask as a professional adult when your inner child is having such a strong reaction is so hard.
Just found out my condition im 34 still under the looking glass but so far they heavily suspect a diagnosis to come. This video really sang to me, i relate so much that i almost shed a tear... Will share this one with my entire family thats for sure.
This video has help me so much in understanding myself. Thank you very much for sharing your knowledge and experience. This was really eye opening for me and I have great appreciation for you 😊
I love your videos Orion! We all have wounded inner children - whether we are autistic or neurotypical. The question is whether we are prepared to do the "work" to be kind to ourselves and help ourselves heal that wounded inner child. That's where a good coach/counsellor/psychologist can help (mine was amazing). One can accept our past trauma and specific limitations, AND take the baby steps to re-wiring the rule in our heads that people's observations are automatically criticisms and therefore we must be defensive and lash out, and instead be curious about what relationship do I really want and therefore what behaviours are necessary in those relationships. Otherwise we'll just be cynical and alone in the world.
Yes almost all undiagnosed autistic adult like myself has a wounded inner child and i cannot handle well and get angry easily and has fear of criticism and defensive responses attacks to others combativeness to my love ones k!
Tack you, yes, that makes perfect sense. And the older you get the more you get this feeling reinforced, when you get rejected again and again etc. Please don't confuse this with the so called defense mode which is another thing entirely. It seems to me that many NT :s mix these two up.
We are an Autistic Household. Four autistic people, mother (61.5), two adult sons (29 and 27), and granddaughter (3.6 yrs old). All three adults have wounded inner childs(children?) and we struggle to keep our little one from being wounded by her maternal family who deny that she is autistic and will not allow her to be diagnosed claiming that "there is nothing wrong with her, she is just ... defiant, not focused, not paying attention, selfish (at 3 ?!?) etc. We would appreciate any advice, recommendations, suggestions, shared experiences on how to negotiate this maze. Respecting each other as individuals seems the first step, but we often trigger one another and it is so difficult not to spread a burnout once it starts with any one of us. Add to this that the maternal family, while claiming that none of us are autistic and have hat it's just an excuse, have learned how to use our triggers to their advantage. We get that no one lives functionally in a bubble, and all four of us have unique qualities, but lately we seem to be in a hyper protective defensive stance that is affecting us all in a negative way.
Hang in there, I'll be praying for you guys. That is a super tough situation, but your granddaughter is blessed to have someone who's been through it on her side❤️
Hi! Family on the Autistic Spectrum here too!!! You can send an Email notifying her pediatrician to request a psychological evaluation for Autistic Spectrum and the doctor can present it to the parents in denial !! Preschool and K-12 have Educational Psychologists who can evaluate children and students for Autism, Learning Disabilities, Gifted, Emotionally Disturbed, etc. Psychologists do not prescribe meds and are different from psychiatrists!**. Bad discrimination against us here in NE Ohio from my own parents and 2 younger adult sisters!!! I had to hire an attorney recently for when they robbed my home a few years back when I was in the hospital and they blocked me from getting my doctor prescribed wheelchair (past)!!! Obstruction of Healthcare Benefits is a Crime!!! I called the ADA and Medicare Hotline!!! ***Set Boundaries these haters are so narcissistic and mean!!! See Dr. Ramani videos and Terry Cole "Boundary Boss" on RUclips. *See you on Orion Kelly "That Autistic Guy" podcast soon!!! 💖😘🙏 Sandi, Al & Matthew
We all carry around a wounded inner child from things that happen in our lives. It's common to humanity, no matter what nationality/culture you were born into. Do you ever wonder if the ASD community would logically whittle down "Autism" back to its basic medical conditions that are uniquely theirs alone, would you really have much to talk about on your channel--or for anyone else's channel? I understand you are trying to generate business, and most importantly, educate the general public of how Autism affects you and the rest of us. And you may have also mentioned that these conditions you share are from an ND"s perspective. I don't know, not having watched every one of your videos yet. Most subjects are pretty common to all humans. Pain is pain, no matter who experiences it to any degree. However, to me, it gets tiresome hearing explanations without ND's acknowledging we are all equally as human as those on the ASD spectrum. Isn't that what ND are hoping for out of the general public? Acknowledgement of your fellow humanity? Wish more ND's would acknowledge that equal fact. (Just sharing my perspective. Just happened to pick your channel out of a similar lineup on my feed to express this, so please don't take anything I said as personally directed at you.)
Orion man, after watching a few of your videos in recent times now, you explain things so beautifully. Im relating to just about everything in your videos. Just wanted to say that. Thanks.👍
@@orionkelly Thank you for responding. I just found your videos a couple of days ago and I really appreciate your views. I can see myself in so much that you say. Thanks for being a voice in the community.
I totally understand it. My parents actually did abandoned me due to meltdown so I mean for me the fears were actually rational but Jesus, has it ever sucked to be right any worse than this…
😊PLEASE READ MY BIO .”Hello stranger , My Life on The autism Spectrum “ by Barbara Moran as told to Karl Williams I grew up in mental hospital diagnosed as schizophrenia .I was told often that people wouldn’t accept me because of what I had to do to cope with life .I think you’d like the book .Look up the title as I gave it and I think you’ll get several choices ,Both paper and E book format .People tried to get me to act normal and were on my back everyday for years . I was fortunate to be in a place that didnt use seclusion rooms or restraints . I would love to get your feedback .You talk a lot about how autistic people need times and places where they can be themselves and not live without love if they do . Can you get an American book delivered to where you live in Australia.I’m sure you would like the book .I had a time when I thought I was going to be abandoned . I thought the high end hospital had a waiting list .When I was almost 14 I had been in hospital 3 and a half years and somebody thought my progress had stopped and no explanation given My parents had come to visit .They were with social worker and I was seeing my therapist on a Saturday morning . i was afraid the group doctor would say they’d done all they could and they needed my bed for someone they could help. Coping with my autism and trying to avoid meltdowns it was Sink or swim .Treatment was trying to get me to act normal . I wasn’t alowed to talk about my favorite things ,.THATS all in the book . I’d love to hear your feedback Thank you for all your videos .You have made many people happy all around the world .People need to hear what you say .Because you work and are raising a family you have credibility that someone in a care facility doesn’t.YOU ARE GIVING A LOT OF “NOBODIES” A VOICE .PEOPLE HEAR YOU .MORE ARE LISTENING THAN YOU REALIZE I wondered if someone would tell parents to put me in state hospital and get on with their life.I spent my whole therapy session crying . Thankfully that wasn’t the outcome .hospital ,I realized later had to work to keep beds filled and as long as Dad paid they’d keep me My Mom was asking him to let her take me home for rest of visit .Sunday they drove me to hometown first time id been there since i lived at home when I was 10 and hadn’t gone to hospital yet i was almost 14 when I stepped into parents house again
me too. we need revenge of the autistics to come and teach these fools a lesson. my personal observation is that autistic brains are so beautiful, and we have been underappreciated and not given credit for what we are--an evolutionary leap for humanity! the only reason we are "disabled" is because we have not yet taken over the whole world and schooled the neurotypicals into behaving "appropriately," under the new world order of autistics in charge of absolutely everything!!!
@@AutisticAwakeActivistI hope you didn’t delete yourself. There’s hope to be found in God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Repent of your life of sin and put all your faith and trust in Christ. You don’t need to be a part of any *specific* church or denomination as it’s called, you can just be a Bible believing Christian. You will still be autistic, but you’ll have a friend that sticks closer than a brother. Been walking with my Creator for the past 5 years and regret nothing. Me learning I was autistic at the age of 31 this year only adds to all the things God has revealed to me about myself over the years. He’s a great God who will never let you down, as long as you come to him genuinely from the heart. I met him in the upstairs room of my parents house after living on my own wasn’t working and I was an atheist and I still called for a second chance (ruined my life with drugs because I was undiagnosed autistic and felt like drugs would numb the pain). God is good, praise the Lord.
I’m lost for words watching this, I have never in my life resonated with anything I have watched as much as I do this. At 51 I’m starting my diagnosis journey but with an AQ of 48 I’m pretty certain I’m on the spectrum. I had to literally run and show my husband yelling “ This” when you said every time you have a negative exchange with your wife you assume that’s it ..divorce , leave the house , they hate you ..that is literally word for word how my head works I literally hit the internet to look for rental accommodation! Thank you so much for making me feel less weird and less alone …
Are you alone?? Oh no. My GD's ND husband does the exact same every time they have a disagreement. Automatically assumes they are headed for divorce even if it's over something small. She's learned to control her reaction to this alarm when he gets defensive and self-protective with her. He used to get deathly quiet, but she's never left him yet so maybe he's beginning to believe her? Verbal reassurance didn't work, but staying did? IDK.
I experienced a lot of emotional (and at times physical) abuse throughout my childhood and then recently had certain family justify that abuse because I was a "difficult child". I agree that I was difficult, the world has always been overwhelming and a struggle to navigate so as a result I would act in ways that were probably hard to deal with for a parent that doesn't want to deal with it. I understand that but don't see how that is my fault. Emotions in my family have always been seen as bad and I was never allowed to feel them or express them. For the last few months, I have been opening up about things for the first time in my life and I never realised how much all of this was affecting me.
One of my younger siblings had pretty much exactly this experience. Our home environment was toxic and abusive anyway, and all of us were affected of course, and had responses. But in the case of this sibling, they were completely unable to disguise their emotional distress and therefore acted out in obvious and extreme ways all the time, and was definitely labelled as difficult. My parents didn't understand and probably wouldn't have behaved any differently even if they had. It's one of my deepest regrets and points of sadness that my sibling received this treatment as a child when they were showing what I, as an adult, can now see were clear signs of extreme distress and not the bad behaviour it was labelled as. I'm very sorry you had this kind of experience too. It can't be undone but please know how deeply you deserve love and healing. I know how painful it can be. Sending you all the best moving forward ❤
Thanks for also speaking about the less upbeat autism-related topics ❤️ There is so much "tadah autism is my superpower" fluff online... I do undestrand the request for that but honestly, constant anxiety and fear of rejection do not make me feel super-anything. Just trying to cope.
Autism is not a superpower Temple Grandin for example is successful in spite of autism because she is intelligent and had adequate support Had she been raised like a typical disabled person the world would have never heard of her autism makes life harder I was born 1951 and diagnosed autistic at age 40 I grew up in mental hospital and my treatment was like adding another disability and severe shame
Yes. Hearing both sides is wonderful and as a late-diagnosed person. I know my superpower has its use at work. After work - have the negatives to deal with. Getting descriptions and names for the feelings and the 'why' is ... for lack of better words ... enlightening and empowering. I can feel better and to throw resources and journal about problems instead of having thoughts and feelings that just hurt or are confusing at a given moment. A label -> way to bin and process thoughts later or a different perspective. (😅 another item is the rambling that comes from hitting a train of thoughts. Love-hate relationship there)
I connected this phenomenon with C-PTSD. I don’t get defensive as much as quietly expect abandonment, and I think I used to think that the people in my life would wise-up eventually and leave or retreat from the relationship. This video is too true. Lol.
Speaking of C-PTSD, I'm pretty sure I DO have it since it results from being the 'scapegoat' child of a narcissist. That doesn't eliminate my having taken the AQ & other tests & relating strongly enough to autistic people & traits that I'm self-diagnosed autistic--and it came as no surprise to my husband, OR my doctor, who said she'd just put it in my chart, but it wasn't worth getting a formal diagnosis (we have a shortage of psychiatrists in this region as it is), so I get the impression it came as no surprise to her either. I just wonder if autistic people are more susceptible to abuse by narcissists. And if it starts with a narc parent who plays favorites with their children--with the autistic child, inevitably being assigned the role of 'scapegoat' or 'problem child,' we're already groomed to see narcissistic abuse as 'love.' Now I just can't decide which version of 'Problem Child' I want to sing: the one by the Damned or the one by AC/DC (the Bon Scott version)! (Or which singer is cuter. 🤭☺)
@@mooncove we are so prone to being attached to narcissist partly because sometimes they seem the grand ones to have what we don’t have or maybe they can express themselves and fight for themselves and some of us maybe can’t or just don’t have a language to do it sometimes or whatever but also we may have been raised by autistic people who never knew they were and presented as narcissistic, and quite possibly may have become narcissistic because neither they nor their parents recognize it so there may be grown-up childhood needs as well as self hatred where we can also be prime to have that like it’s hard to know when we’re being selfish or taking care of ourselves it’s hard to know when our self involved isn’t like a choice but autistic brain works and other examples are, for example I always relate things to myself not to make it about me but you know my sister or someone shares what’s going on the way I can express that I get it and I’m there with her and I’m in that moment of empathy is literally drawing back into my own library of experiences and saying hey, I was there with you. I’ve been there like it’s like a handshake. I don’t know how to express it but often times even, those people think we’re making it about us and that could be mistaken as a narcissistic but also, so if we feel we have those trades or we’re bad or selfish and I’m not saying that the way we come across might not affect someone else as a narcissist would affect us but at least he understanding that it’s not intentional and that it is an attempt at love or bonding or relating that changes everything I think I’m just saying, though our thoughts about ourselves being not so great makes it easy for us to understand someone who’s treating us as a narcissist would like I guess all codependent excuses and not excuses. They’re like allowing room for understanding for people who are different. Literally what we know we need all our lies we give to them so we’re not just your usual codependent, but it’s just it’s very hard to extricate these things, and it can be more confusing for us because we already have going dialogue and problems with knowing you know our boundaries to respect what they even are to stand up for them to not become so rigid like this is huge for me. I’m almost 50 and I have not been in close relationships even at work because this is a huge thing like I either get up soon by the person, I try to express myself and talk too much or don’t get it. I’m still working solving this one to be honest.
I was discouraged from expressing difficult emotions. My grandmother would shush me loudly and sarcastically shoot down my words as exaggerations. I remember trying to argue back but she would just get louder until I gave up. Made me question everything I felt. I assumed this made me super humble to always assume I could be wrong, but actually now I see it's my inability to trust my inner experience.
I knew someone who if I started a sentence with "you" immediately went on the defensive, as if the word "you" was in itself an accusation. It made conversations difficult until I figured it out and then avoided the word "you" since I was definitely not intent on accusing the person of anything. Dealing with a person with that problem is like walking on egg shells and it took a very long time to learn how to navigate their form of communication. This person also seemed to have a win-lose perspective on everything. In a conversation or a difference of opinion, there had to be a winner (the one who was right) and a loser (the one who is wrong) and I spent an enormous amount of time trying to convey the idea that there isn't necessarily a wrong or a right, just a difference of opinion... opinion, not fact, and that only facts can be wrong or right. I don't particularly care about being right or wrong, I care more about being heard and understood. I can accept that someone disagrees with me (amazingly, I am not always right!) but find it hard if someone is not hearing/listening to me and assumes I am saying something (based on what they think I am saying) that I am not. Soooooooo frustrating!!!! Does anyone else get this? this sense that the other person jumps to the idea that you're saying one thing before you have finished laying out your thought and then responds to their own idea of what you're talking about?
I am going through this with someone. Have been for a long time. Very frustrating. Egg shells described it perfectly. Just realized he was autistic after finding Orion’s videos.
Being logical in the extreme, we base our opinions on all the available facts and information we can possibly find. So yes, we do think we're right. Also there's an immense self doubt to try to compensate for by proving we are intelligent and have something to offer. This gets out of hand and people conclude you're a know it all and it makes everything worse. I had to train myself out of this habit.
@@tnix80 My logic indicates to me that there can be facts and information I am not aware of ("possibly find", exactly). When my kids were still at home, I would preface any statement of importance with "keep in mind this is my opinion, my way of seeing this and I may not have all the facts" before I launched into an explanation or a response to their question. I thought it was vital to make them aware that as humans we cannot possibly know everything we might need to know to, for instance, make the right decision or form an opinion. Therefore one can change one's opinion when new facts/information come along. Having said that, I will defend my opinions until someone can give me facts that would make me reconsider. Being right is not the most important thing (unless you're in a situation of life and death, obviously). I think some people will call anyone who knows more than they do a "know it all". They tend to be "know nothings".
Got all that bad treatment in my family. And most of the time I didn't even know what I was getting punished for. When I asked they'd say I knew. I didn't have a clue. Society wasn't much better. Bullying at school and work... And yeah, the assumptions and accusations people make reading between lines that aren't there. I am currently working on inner child healing. This was really, super helpful and validating.
And I thought these things were just me. It’s so helpful to know that I’m not the only one who thinks/behaves in these ways and that it’s because of the autism and - well let’s just say traumatic childhood experiences. Orion, what you’ve shared here helps me to make sense of so many things and to make adjustments and changes in my thinking - thank you.
Knowing about the childhood trauma & how it affects you - Is only the first step. The road to rehabilitation - takes time, energy & effort. On your part. Best wishes on recovering your true self. 🌟
Oof. This is a heavy topic. So many relationships have come and gone due to the inner child's wounds. I need a hug after this one. Thanks for the wonderful teachings, Orion. I appreciate you.
This video hits so close to home. The 'why are you like this' and never knowing why... constantly getting told off and again just not understanding why 😮💨
“pre-programmed to always feel criticized” - bingo I’m def the quietly compliant one. The combativeness is mostly internal. It either gets bottled up or I get passive-aggressive
I know this must have been hard to share but thank you, I've felt the same way for most of my life. A history of not fitting in and being rejected, only to finally form real relationships in adulthood leads to major rejection sensitivity. I thought I had BPD because it was so bad at one point.
I was diagnosed this year at 50 and lately I’ve thought a lot about my inner child. Thank you so much for this insight, it just made even more of my life fall into place. I’m going to share this with the people who struggle with my defensive side and my sometimes need for self criticism to stop other people doing it too me first. Sorry for rambling but this has made so much sense ❤️❤️❤️
Once again I see a video about autism that makes me say "Hey! This is me!!" I have no official diagnosis but a lot of evidence pointing this way. I spent so much of my life in environments where I was expected to perform, not just like a neurotypical person, but as a high achieving neurotypical. Consequences of being diagnosed as "gifted" at a young age then left with no help and resources because I should be able to figure things out if I'm "smart." By the time I was a teenager I felt so wrong and broken inside that I forced myself into a highly inappropriate career because I felt a strong need to fix myself, or to be fixed by education, training, and environment. I ended up at 35, not just with a wounded inner child, but with a continually wounded college student, young adult, and approaching middle aged adult. At least I was able to spend the next 20 years in a work environment (IT and software engineering) much more suited to my personality and how my brain works. It wasn't perfect, but better. So thanks very much for this.
As always, Orion, your videos are helpful and informative, and I relate on many different levels. You’ve helped me understand myself and I have used your vlogs as tools to inform my nearest and dearest, so that they may understand. So many people land here and recognise themselves in what you say. Or, recognise these things it their loved ones. But, I think what I’m missing is advice on what to do. For example, I recognise many thing you talk about as traits in my grandchildren, so, how would it be a better way to approach them when they’re having meltdowns or are expressing themselves outside of the ‘norm’, etc. I’m sure we’d all appreciate that advice, particularly when dealing with children so we could have a better chance of not harming their inner child for life. 🙂👍
So I have questions... If the autistic person is pre-programmed etc... how do their family members help them see they are NOT actually being attacked and dont need to wildly over react ??? As the single mother of an undiagnosed autistic child (now 29) this has helped my understand a lot. I wish medical people had listened to me when she was young. We may have been able to achieve a somewhat normal relationship.
Uh... I don't think you're gonna like the truth very much mam. I'm an Autistic woman and here's a warning that the answer I have below is extremely blunt... So, if you are not ready for an extremely harsh, but well meaning answer you might want to skip on reading the rest. Okay...So, you are quite emotionally brave. This is the last warning. The answer below is definitely not what allists would consider "socially acceptable" but it is as truthful of an answer as your gonna get. Okay, clearly you want to hear me out if you scrolled down this far: As someone who had/occasionally still has this problem... YOU DON'T DEPROGRAM THEM. That's half of the problem with this situation. Either we figure it out on OUR OWN and become our best selves... or we self destruct from the inside out. Nothing you do can or will change an Autistic person's response to criticism directly. Literally, it's up to them to decide. You have no determining factor in it. The good news: The vast majority of us learn on our own by our early 20s to late 30s. We have to in order to not die inside... Plus, most of us care too much for our loved ones to continue to deliberately chose actions that harm others once we see the damage it causes. It's an utterly miserable experience to avoid all criticism consiously, but the chain reaction it creates in our families lives somehow hurts so much more. That's what convinced me to stop fighting it off. Nothing anybody did around me would have ever changed a thing. I had to CHOSE to accept that I needed to change for the wellbeing of myself and others. Again, I repeat, nothing YOU do will directly change thier decision. Reacting to criticism is often the biggest moral decision of an Autistic person's life. It's the one that ultimately decides if they become good or evil. You've already done everything you can, now it's her turn to decide.
My father is on the spectrum, diagnosed in his 60s , he shared with me that when he was in school there was a particularly traumatic year in which he had a teacher who tormented him for his behavior and dyslexia. He was regularly singled out for his short comings and forced to sit in a corner with the dunce cap.
@@barbaramoran8690 Back in 1967 in the UK I moved to a new school in a town 4 miles away that I was in hindsight totally unprepared for.Without going into too much detail what followed was sheer torture and I still haven't fully recovered and probably never will.Suffice to say I was mercilessly bullied physically and mentally.
@@51elephantchang that must have been really rough it is unfortunate that adults tolerate bullying ALL THAT IS NEEDED FOR EVIL TO THRIVE IS FOR GOOD MEN TO DO NOTHING It is best that duets act like adults and model good behavior and say the rule is that all people need respect
My ol ‘ guy friend has high functioning ASD with a PhD & I’m forever trying to keep up with his sarcastic sense of humor; also a condescending attitude. I love him so much but at times he seems too conflicted. He has a heart of gold with a fear of too much empathy. Just have to accept him on his terms & share our good times. ❤
I have another family member who is autistic and can sound very defensive when he's not. I am autistic and can be told by him that I'm being defensive, but that wasn't my intent at all. I'm just trying to clarify or understand something. So is he. It's just a defensive program that is built in and runs whenever there is high emotion. I'm not saying I'm never defensive, just that I can seem defensive when I'm not. Ditto the family member.
Yeah, you tell people about these things, and they're usually all like, "Well everyone's been bullied and critized at some point in their life." And they usually don't understand just HOW much criticism autistic people often get, and how intensely, and how often. And then when I give a few examples, my experiences are so traumatic that they think that I am making it up, or that I misconstrued it all, and therefore assume that I just must be an extra sensitive person who they have to tiptoe around (but I usually tolerate more than the average person does, so that's just not true). And this causes people to try and test me, to see if I am just being oversensitive or something. They will do or say something really rude (like making fun of my sexual orientation, as a demisexual), and then tell me something like, "Oh, you're being sensitive! Just because you were bullied in your workplace doesn't mean that everyone's a bully". And I am just like, "Okay, I adapt to people's different personalities, am non-judgemental and respect people; why is it so hard for so many people to do the same? Why do they feel so tempted to make fun of someone, that they just can't resist the urge?" Just common sense things. I can handle sarcasm, if it's not blatantly used to mock me about my body, sexual orientation, race, autism (in other words, common sense things); and that's all I ask for. A lot of people cannot even grasp the full mindset of not being accepted by the majority of the world; they couldn't even imagine it if they tried! And this is so frustrating. But as long as somebody doesn't invalidate my experience of the world, I am totally fine with our differences in perspective. If only they would accept my differences (I say this, because people so often act like I need to be fixed (to be "more like them")). 😶
Thanks again for the quality insights. We've been rejected and shamed by everyone our whole life. And because until I was 35 I was normal so had no excuse, it's impossible not to come to the conclusion that you are an unacceptable person. I am a nob. It will give you MH problems. You call it cognitive bias, I call it hypervigilance, some people call it paranoid. Also lol the bit about arguments.
Is there a way for autistic people with this issue to use this understanding to improve their defensiveness? It is hard having a life partner who cannot accept feedback and talk about it calmly and constructively.
Lately I’ve been watching a c drama called till the end of the moon and was able to see myself in the “devil god” character because of my childhood trauma on the autism spectrum. It’s a really good c drama and everything he’d been through is exactly what autism feels like.
I suspected I was autistic since I read Thinking in Pictures by Temple Grandin when I was 40. I didn't have it confirmed by a neuro psychiatrist until age 44. What you're saying hits home, because growing up an undiagnosed, untreated autistic in the 70s and 80, I was abused, abused, abused. By the time I was finally diagnosed, I was a train wreck. I'm surprised I'm still alive.
My oldest sister, who bullied all the kids in the family with her twin, used to tell me I reminded her of Pearl from “The Scarlett Letter”. She said it in a mocking way. When I grew up and read the book, I realized she was right. Pearl was a unique child.
I totally iedntify with this. Smiling and nodding was my go-to position with rare outburts when pushed too far. I'm 79 now and have only recently started feeling better about myself. Hopefully I can have a few good years before it's too late.
I suspect my dad is autistic and he would punish me constantly to try and shape my character into a kind of person that would survive in the outside world, probably in fear that would experience the same things that he did. Unfortunately not only did that not work but on top of struggling to deal with everyday adult necessities, i have the a load of unpacked trauma on top of all the rest of the problems associated with adult autism. 27 years old and looking to get an autism diagnosis so i can figure out how to break the cicle.
The reality of being mistreated and judged in society is a fact This causes depression, deep inner anxiety disorders and fear of rejection by any given group. The childhood grief that was experienced doesn't go away We still get the punishment for being different in ways we often don't have any idea what ?
You just describe my entire life story. Or how I felt about it and how others reacted. Thank you so much for this video. I’m trying to get my support system to be a little bit more supportive. I have been open about not having a very good support system, but I truly believe it’s because of all the negative stigma that they associate with Autism. Like my dad even to this day constantly makes me feel bad for not being able to have friends or that I’m too sensitive and it’s really hard to deal with. But thank you for putting it in perspective for a Neurotypical’s. A lot of times I never realize that everyone else wasn’t as sensitive as I was and didn’t do a lot of the things that I did and then when I did realize it, I became very self-conscious.
Have you looked for groups in your area. I got diagnosed late in life (45), and I just dealt with it myself for years. Then I went to a support group and it was like I found my tribe. We were all uniquely weird and it was like being part of a think-tank sponsored by skittles!
Google is a good start. Then look for any national bodies that look after mental health in your area. I just searched on line. Failing all that, you could start one.
my sister and I have some dynamics like this. For example, I say something neutral and she hears it as criticism and reacts negatively. I then have an internal reaction to her external one :) It leads to so many misunderstandings I am surprised we still want to see each other at all which is very sad. What you said Orion in this video about hearing neutral statements as criticism because of so much criticism aimed at you when you were small has given me new insight into this dynamic. In fact, I intend to find a way around it now I feel she really doesn't mean it but it comes from her wounded child. Thanks a lot.
This is exactly the video I needed my husband to watch 3 years ago. We’ve worked a lot of it out and have come to an understanding, but I’ll still ask him to watch
I don't think I HAVE an inner child because my abusive-narcissist father has NEVER stopped abusing me & my sister & her family haven't spoken to me since my father verbally & emotionally abused my mother, the peacemaker who made me think I was part of some close-knit family where I was actually LOVED, into a nursing home & all shunned me. The only person in the world whose ever loved me unconditionally & was my best friend died in 2020, & I'm stuck living next door to my father, who still treats me like a child & finds it entertaining to trigger me into a 'temper tanttrum' (meltdown) so that he can call the police & have me arrested in handcuffs & held prisoner in the hospital psychiatric ward & treated in ways that, if you treated a dog that way, would get you arrested & sentenced to prison time for animal abuse. So I have no inner child. I'm just a permanently wounded OUTER child.
My husband, who isn't autistic but I'm 99.99999% sure has ADHD (as I also have, speaking of being 'spontaneous'/impulsive), however, IS defensive about EVERYTHING I say to him, no matter how neutral. So now you've really got me thinking ... I need to share this video with him & find out what happened to HIS inner child! I'm so used to being criticized about EVERYTHING, I just EXPECT to be criticized for everything, so when I'm not, I'm pleasantly surprised. And disbelieving of compliments. And when someone doesn't abandon me (which HE did to me early in our marriage but changed his mind & now every time he talks about going back to Australia to visit his parents has to re-assure me that he WILL come back to me), just the fact that they're still interacting with me (since my father used to give me YEARS-LONG silent treatments like my sister & her family have been doing to me for the past six years with no end in sight) feels like a win. But my mom was my best friend AND advisor, & I feel completely LOST without her companionship & loving advice & wisdom. (Not that she was wise enough to save HERSELF from my father's abuse because SHE would never break her wedding vows. Yes, I asked why she stayed with him in spite of the abuse, and that's the reason she gave. I don't think she had any idea--nor did I until it was too late--that my father was capable of MURDER.)
@mooncove Write all this down and take it with you to your GP and ask for help. You are IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ABUSIVE SITUATION and at risk. Your GP should refer you for social care to get you out of this situation. You do not need this.
That is me all over I’ve been treated like that my whole life and being autistic I have found myself always feeling like I have to defend myself and my feelings 😢
I am 41 years old and I have never been diagnosed, though I do have a diagnosed family member. I have long thought that I may be on the spectrum somewhere, and after watching several of your videos, I have realized that I meet many of the criteria that you have explained. My mother has said that she thinks I am on the spectrum, and I definitely agree at this point. My IQ has been measured at 145, but I struggle to function in society on any meaningful level, and have never been able to figure out why. I certainly have RSD, and I live an extremely regimented and repetitive life. I hate any type of change, and get agitated when I am forced to be around other people for any significant period of time. I have gone an entire month without speaking to another person, and it didn't bother me. I currently do not have insurance of any kind, but how would I approach my doctors regarding a potential diagnosis when I am able to do so?
I'm not sure if my adult child is on the spectrum, even though one of his elementary school teachers thought so, but puberty was not kind to him, my divorce from his father wasn't any better, and he did not like his stepdad. Granted, most of the adults in his life had issues, (myself, his father, stepdad, grandparents, etc...) but he definitely seemed like a very awkward and sensitive teenager who would easily get upset, seem defensive, and then never forgive. To this day our communication is limited. I try to be there without being critical, but I feel like I can't say anything about the things he's done that hurt me. I was a teen mom raised by a helicopter mom with low self esteem and abandonment issues after her parents divorced. Everything was the fault of others. Then his father self medicated due to childhood trauma. He was a very insecure and controlling person. Stepdad is an alcoholic, now sober, but was always bluntly honest about his feelings and opinions, which can very much come off as critical. I grew up with a void I was always trying to fill. I didn't like confrontations, so I was always trying to keep things peaceful even though it always made me feel caught in the middle. All of these things were not a good recipe for my child, who to this day is very angry. He'll bring up things that happened 18 years ago and we don't remember, but to him it was his stepdad bullying him and me allowing it to happen. To us he was a very emotionally fragile teen trying to find himself. Sometimes he would act disrespectfully, sometimes he would eavesdrop on us, and other times we would find out about things he was doing behind our back. Back then I felt like neither one of us could have any conversations with him because he would take it as criticism or worse. Today i don't think I can ever make amends. We've apologized, but it's never enough. I can't even share things about my struggles (in order for him to understand what I may have passed down to him) but he doesn't like it when I talk about myself. So I just listen. There were times when he seemed fine with us, but he's not. He's blocked me on social media, and then posts unkind things about me. I would and could never do that to him. I feel like I created an angry person who feels like a victim, and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know if turning back the clock and doing things differently would help. I feel like I had to walk on eggshells with my mom, ex, and now my son. As for the stepdad, we are still married and the best of friends, but as long as I'm with him, my son will never come around. In his eyes I chose the stepdad over him. We never knew while he was still living with us that there was so much hatred and resentment. I guess you could say that as a teen I felt like I hated my mom, but after understanding things about life and how people can have trauma, I've opened myself up to her more. We have a better relationship now even though I still have to have boundaries. I haven't heard from my son in over a month. I don't know if he's slowly going no contact with me or if he's just limiting his communication with me because it's what's best for him. I will always be there, even though to him I never have been. Relationships are so complicated. People are so complicated. All of us. 💔
I can relate to this so much and now actually understanding that I might be autistic, which was something I had never thought about or considered, but after watching a lot of your videos and relating to so much, I know think I could be, which in a way has been uplifting for me. Thanks for all the videos and explaining them so well.
I have CPTSD from many years of many forms of abuse. I’m completely blind and on the autism spectrum. I was punished, criticized, chastised. Ostracized, and even physically punished for things that benefited my blindness and autism. I was punished for touching and exploring everything around me, running into things, crying, having meltdowns, not communicating what was wrong, shaking my head, stimming, using sensory items, speaking up about how I feel. The list goes on. You should never shame a blind person for touching everything that is in their reach. You should never punish an autistic person for crying or having strong emotions. And you shouldn’t force or punish an autistic kid for not speaking up and expressing why their upset. WHAT IF THEY DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?!
I'm 50 and still can't wrap my head around the fact that there are people who speak to me about a problem without expecting the listener to come up with a suggestion. Why would anyone want to listen to my problems? Why would I bore others if I'm not in the quest for a solution?
The criticism part and several other points sound a lot like covert narcissism. How would you differentiate between the two, especially since narcissism is generally born out of the same circumstances?
I have a wounded childhood, through socioeconomic disadvantage, and from being bullied at high school for 6 years. I was always hyper criticised for trying to assert myself. I was always been put down. I have been the victim of bad social and bureaucratic decisions. I show much promise, but was never given good career guidance. I tend to mop up the social problems of neuro-typical people.
I've been bullied a lot in my life. Sometimes subtly and sometimes outright. It seems like anytime I leave my home, I get misunderstood. I'm a full-time caregiver for 2 family members now, so I have to behave myself. Can't get locked up now. But don't think I couldn't hold my own in a brawl, even if I am a 63 year old woman. The last time I was in leg irons, I started laughing.
Being rejected by people, riddicluled in class, bullied and bashed every day to go home and having an abusive step dad who beat me for sometimes i didnt even understand made my childhood crap sometimes even wishing i was never born my inner child has never been happy
Preprogrammed to feel criticized or attacked. Yes! I don't receive constructive criticism well. A lot of buttering up before and after the critique is needed, and even then it's painful for me.
Orion Kelly, Thank God for you! One of your videos changed my Life! I was searching and searching for what my issue was, and I ran across your Video. Instantly, my thinking began to be transformed, I was able to cut myself some slack because of my meltdowns! Everything made perfect sense, it was like I was handed they key to the lock of the endless loop I was in emotionally. You continue to help me... 😀
That is interesting theory, but I disagree, or not actually. What I'm trying to say is that it doesn't apply me although I'm autistic. I'm not afraid that people will abandon or leave me, but still I'll go to great lengths to avoid disagreements in relationships, but It's because I hate all the feelings that are going around during a conflict between people. I don't understand other peoples reactions. I can argue to the end of time, based on facts but that's different. People make arguments some how personal and get angry, I don't understand it, so I avoid it. If people would leave me, I could finally be on my own and concentrate just to my own thoughts, I might be happy. So not afraid of being left alone, but still avoiding conflicts.
Just wondering… could this be why some autistic people have social anxieties or are introverted? Or is it both being autistic and childhood trama? My bf seems to be so afraid of going anywhere or being around anyone. I mean the childhood issues alone would make me want to just hide and always be on the defense.
Miss marie_me I suffered no trumer apart from some stupid things my mother would say that one shouldn't say to young men as there mum but I always hated new company even playing new sides at sport because unimportant things could take my confidence and then depending on situation I either get it back or never regain it until something changes with those people. I think I'm lucky in the fact my father as similar tendencies but he taught me to never take shit or let someone be a smart arse. I'm also lucky because I'm coordinated in movement better than most individuals which is unusual for people on the spectrum but I still have no interest in going out to many things or desire to even for others but I force myself to do so because it's the right thing to do but understand I'm mostly likely not enjoy one second of it and if I do it can change back to dislike at zero notice. I hate crowd's sit facing door in the corner at restaurants and I hate the experience even more if I'm pressured into going out because then I'm irritated about the whole event because it's most likely unplanned. Does your partner get worse if say you're out and then it's decided to go the casino but this was unplanned for the evening and you can almost see the terror on his face? Notice is certainly required for social interaction with myself
@@n.w.owhoknowstheshadowknow58 I never surprise him with a date. He will always know where we are going. We only go out to one small pub/bar for karaoke. He doesn’t sing . I only sing. If we drive to the store, I let him stay in the car because I know he hates crowds. If we order food, I order for him. If we have visitors, If he gets overwhelmed he will go to my room or his car and smoke. I know people bother him so I don’t mind. We are no longer partners but we have stayed close friends because I know he needs a friend. I’m the only one he can talk to.
@@Marie_me_ that's cool. I'm quite similar and if you ask him he's most likely reasonably happy combined with a self hatred that come and goes. I stopped giving two fucks about others feelings over mine and my self hatred pretty well disappeared except for in my gut I know I'm not quite the son my father who's a great man deserved due to taking the easy road when the difficult one was required and thought need to be given. You sound like a terrific person to me I hope he understands that not many continue keeping up friendships deliberately for our benifite:) in my experience is been for them, when the of need striks for a sucker for an evening or five. I'm not sure how old you are but I once had a perfect girl who loved me, helped me and just accepted that I'm not quite like most. I destroyed it through arrogance, lack of knowledge and no understanding of what matters in life and looking at unimportant things she didn't offer that I was told mattered!!compared to what I actually had that most don't have and that's a feeling of love when trying not to wake her as you free you're arm at 5am when you getting ready for work. by dumb luck I found this girl at the pub on Tuesday and since the day she left my world 5+ years later its never been as warm or comfortable uncomfortable again. I soon realised I wasn't the one making it warm lol. not another girl has been close to this girl as now we are all getting older damaged trust seems like a made up possibility of a fairy tale no one gives a chance due to the abundance of options at ones finger tips. Betrayal is possible sitting on the same couch unfortunately. I already know this man likes you over just about all others he ever going to meet by the fact he's willing to go karaoke lol. He hates karaoke and the thought of singing publicly is a flat no:). If he's got his own hobbies outside of the home, works ECT be careful whom you replace him with as he should be also. Most will fall short in reality to someone willing to do things they hate to hopefully make you happy for an evening. Most will also fall short of keeping in touch because they know another requires this regardless of the probability it's in ones best interest...
@@n.w.owhoknowstheshadowknow58 oh yes his self hatred shows up every now and then. And we definitely have our ups and downs but I find it better to just be friends because our expectations are way to high when we are a couple. We just don’t understand each other and that’s typical I know. I think the reason why we have stuck it out could be because we are 17 age difference. I’m the older one.
The behaviours of the Wounded Inner Child have led the psychiatric community to label (and mis-diagnose) us as having all sorts of Personality Disorders. Thankfully there are tiny, tiny changes starting to happen in this area.
Fantastic explanation exactly my childhood and current criticism from my wife every day it kills me inside even though i try so hard im meant to be a grown man and still bullied at work and home.ill just keep on going.
Thank you, I am 63 years old, diagnosed as “on the spectrum” about a year ago, retired MD. I was told that I couldn’t be autistic “really” because I have been “so successful”. Your discussion of indwelling fears (certainty) of lack of personal value and invalidity strike a painfully resonant chord. No amount of “success” seems capable of overcoming this bias. What, if anything is the way out of this?
That's an excellent question, and I promise I'm not trying to be sarcastic or judge-y. I'm neurotypical, and I know there's been a lot of talk around this issue separate to its relevance to the autistic community. Not sure it's got anywhere sufficiently concrete for many people to 'fix' it - Orion's 'venting' comment is relevant here, I'm sure you've seen plenty of people in your practice who you couldn't figure out why they were there, cos it clearly wasn't to do what you could tell them to fix their problem. A lot of NT people are fine with that - some of them love it - but I imagine it's more than a little disappointing. So maybe to mitigate that a bit, it could be worth searching some of that research, particularly in search engines with an academic bent. The other thing I'd like to suggest, though, is maybe to see it (as incomplete as it is) information in itself; Not every bias can be overcome - more often than not, it's about accepting it/them as a possible explanation for some of the things in our/your experience. In the Communication disciplines, we use the awareness of bias as part of the frameworks we bring to understanding the world, our place in it, the people we relate to (both casually eg in a shop or intimately eg in a family unit) and how we relate to them. consider/evaluate them. Understanding our biases, and what we can glean of theirs (both of which are seldom explicit), can then inform the choices one make going forward, dealing with people in one's life, whether autistic or not. Best wishes for exploring what can seem a very abstract idea but often has very real consequences
I was left in the crib as a baby, & remember someone smothering me with their hand when I was crying. I stopped crying. I was diagnosed at about 3yo. My parent had the doctor call Administration at the hospital, & remove it from the records, because they would not "take a retard home with them". I was told to hide who I was, even from them. I was repeatedly locked in my room & left there until I couldn't even move, where I retreated inside, & eventually went to a playground in my mind. My brother used to pull me out of my room, & have me sing outside, sobbing, apologizing that he didn't get me out sooner. I think my parents might have been asleep. It took everything I had, to leave that playground, & come back to reality. I'm trying to unmask; I'm soo tired of hiding, like it's the Holocaust & I am a Jew, hiding in the walls of my own head. The struggle is real. The burnout & meltdowns are real, & are coming more frequently, as I fight to find myself. I have lost nearly everyone, & I am sinking alone into my room & into myself. I feel trapped inside myself & my trauma. I have no idea what true connection is, except with my son. I am so terrified of being exposed & hurt, so terrified of being myself, that I preemptively push nearly everyone away, & go numb. I've been severely abused my entire life, & honestly don't know what the other side (love & acceptance) looks like, feels like, smells like, etc. I've never felt more alone. I'm locking myself in my room now. Inside myself. It was how I was taught to deal with my ASD & cPTSD.
Orion, thank you, for sharing yourself. It is such a kindness & charity, to share who you are. Thanks for the lifeline. I feel less broken & more human, more hopeful, more accepted, just by watching. Thank you for giving a voice to those, like me, who feel voiceless.
"make sure of all things, hold fast to what is fine"! (1Thessalonians 5 :21) you'll get there, trust it, and when you take this Bible advice, you'll only end up with what is "fine"! May it become a happier, and happier search for.... You.
I'm so sorry you've been treated like this. You have love and connection with your child, I hope that gives you comfort and healing.
I hope you can get the support of a good therapist to help you process what you have been through for both of your sakes.
You had a kindly loving beautiful 😍 brother
How great he was to pull you out of your own head
Your time is here, my dear friend, and I I know it would make you angry to hear this as it makes me angry most of the time, but some of us are born for such a time as this and all I can say is that it’s a time when our voices are gonna be heard and even there’s even AI out there that the shockingly helping someone like me write a book and communicate my thoughtsand I don’t know I have a feeling that there’s a time coming where we’re gonna be congratulated and you sound like you deserve so much love and so much opportunity and more than double for your trouble bless you, my friend
This is so sad and misfortunate! My heart goes out for and know that you deserved and still deserve way more better pale in misery ❤
I was that kid in school who was always bullied. Weird, chubby, covered in cystic acne. It took me a long time to realize that life doesn't revolve around me. Things became better, slowly, as I learned to communicate. Things are still evolving, even at 57.
Yes😮😮😮
I recently found out I'm autistic at 22. I was punished physically as a child and learned to hide my emotions completely rather than Speaking up. I was not allowed to refuse affection and making boundaries is still a struggle.
These things can be learned.
Teach your self - what feels right for you & put it into practice.
> Also, learn what other person’s boundaries are as well - and respect those.
same here
@@BarbaraMerryGeng u sound like a Neurotypical. Then there's Willingness vs. Burn-Out ... as ASD's will know
That’s really severe, hope you’re ok now. You must have had terrible parents, better to stay away from them.
Same. I was gaslit and shamed for being sensitive. Anger was not allowed nor boundaries
All of this is so incredibly relatable. ❤❤❤😥😥 And for me, I think, "I'm going to divorce him, he's mean, he doesn't love me, he's going to leave me, I'll leave him before he can." A pretty regular struggle. Thank you so much for discussing this.
I appreciated the joke about "autistic blackout". I'm recently diagnosed at 37 and in a state of hoovering up information, sometimes without a lot of critical thinking. For a moment I was like "oh, autistic blackout, of course that's a thing and I've definitely experienced it!"
It was a joke, but also the little reminder I need to have a bit more discernment. I think I'm trying to make every little autistic trait somehow fit into my life story.
"Your punishment at times was physical." My mom used to tell us she should just spank us every morning to get it over with. I threw my belt in the dumpster before second grade so she couldn't whip me with it anymore, and refused to wear another until I was in high school. Just to add to the fun, she was my biggest bully from before I can remember things. Worst was that she made fun of my physical attributes. Small wonder I developed CPTSD and had to diagnose other things before finally reaching the conclusion I'm also autistic… in my fifties.
@BaskingObscurity
So so sorry you went through so much trauma.
It seems so many Autistic children have suffered abuse from the ones who should have loved and protected us the most.
When I was a child in the 50s, Autism was not known about and now I am am self diagnosed awaiting an assessment, I am learning the groundwork and I realise with great sadness that I think my mother as well as my father had some spectrum disorders.
I particularly feel the sadness of my mothers mental disorder as she was a foreigner, a single mother until I was about 4 or five and she grew up in nazi Austria having been born in 1929.
So many surrounding issues can mask autism even when we do not.
She did not use a belt on me but she could be mentally cruel and that left its scars of insecurity which ran very deeply within me.
I have managed to forgive her in my heart though so sad we could not talk it through as she is no longer with us.
I feel your rejection, hurt, abandonment.
I really believe Autism is a gift now as I have met some angelic innocents on the Spectrum already - before I knew I was autistic myself, and it is such a privilege to spend some time with them, to learn, share, and love.
I send you my purest virtual hug.
Anybody else have the experience of being told as an adult, the person whose acceptance and support you need most is you? Game freaking changer. I use DBT and STOP and Gently Turning the Mind used with Nonjudgmentally are some of my favorites. A special interest even. May God bless the children everywhere in every time. Thank you Orion for posting so tenaciously and vulnerably.
My heart breaks💔 and in tears😭 especially the part when you mentioned about being mislabeled. Thank you for making this video🙇🏻♀️
In 1st grade I had meltdowns almost daily, at least once I ran all the way home mid school day. The " Teacher" kept a chart at the front of the room just on me, putting frowning faces on meltdown days and I got a sticker on non meltdown days... rewarding "normal"
behavior and showing all my peers how I wasn't like them, as if they didn't already know. That's when I remember knowing nothing about me was ok. I only remember bits and pieces of life prior to 7th grade. But that's when I knew
That was very helpful! Thank you! Would love to hear more about how to help an autistic adult that was hurt as a child. How to make them open up and feel accepted and loved.
So would I 😄.
I really struggle with defensiveness. Especially at work. I’m always afraid of losing my job. Any feedback or suggestions sound like criticism. It makes me feel childish for my reaction of upset. Like my employer isn’t being mean, but that’s how I feel. Trying to mask as a professional adult when your inner child is having such a strong reaction is so hard.
Just found out my condition im 34 still under the looking glass but so far they heavily suspect a diagnosis to come. This video really sang to me, i relate so much that i almost shed a tear... Will share this one with my entire family thats for sure.
Constantly having my tone policed when I thought I was just matching the energy sent towards me.
This video has help me so much in understanding myself. Thank you very much for sharing your knowledge and experience. This was really eye opening for me and I have great appreciation for you 😊
I love your videos Orion! We all have wounded inner children - whether we are autistic or neurotypical. The question is whether we are prepared to do the "work" to be kind to ourselves and help ourselves heal that wounded inner child. That's where a good coach/counsellor/psychologist can help (mine was amazing). One can accept our past trauma and specific limitations, AND take the baby steps to re-wiring the rule in our heads that people's observations are automatically criticisms and therefore we must be defensive and lash out, and instead be curious about what relationship do I really want and therefore what behaviours are necessary in those relationships. Otherwise we'll just be cynical and alone in the world.
Yes almost all undiagnosed autistic adult like myself has a wounded inner child and i cannot handle well and get angry easily and has fear of criticism and defensive responses attacks to others combativeness to my love ones k!
Absolutely incredible. I can relate to everything in all your videos. Am I autistic? I’m very confused
Tack you, yes, that makes perfect sense. And the older you get the more you get this feeling reinforced, when you get rejected again and again etc.
Please don't confuse this with the so called defense mode which is another thing entirely. It seems to me that many NT :s mix these two up.
We are an Autistic Household. Four autistic people, mother (61.5), two adult sons (29 and 27), and granddaughter (3.6 yrs old). All three adults have wounded inner childs(children?) and we struggle to keep our little one from being wounded by her maternal family who deny that she is autistic and will not allow her to be diagnosed claiming that "there is nothing wrong with her, she is just ... defiant, not focused, not paying attention, selfish (at 3 ?!?) etc.
We would appreciate any advice, recommendations, suggestions, shared experiences on how to negotiate this maze. Respecting each other as individuals seems the first step, but we often trigger one another and it is so difficult not to spread a burnout once it starts with any one of us.
Add to this that the maternal family, while claiming that none of us are autistic and have hat it's just an excuse, have learned how to use our triggers to their advantage.
We get that no one lives functionally in a bubble, and all four of us have unique qualities, but lately we seem to be in a hyper protective defensive stance that is affecting us all in a negative way.
Hang in there, I'll be praying for you guys. That is a super tough situation, but your granddaughter is blessed to have someone who's been through it on her side❤️
Hi! Family on the Autistic Spectrum here too!!! You can send an Email notifying her pediatrician to request a psychological evaluation for Autistic Spectrum and the doctor can present it to the parents in denial !! Preschool and K-12 have Educational Psychologists who can evaluate children and students for Autism, Learning Disabilities, Gifted, Emotionally Disturbed, etc. Psychologists do not prescribe meds and are different from psychiatrists!**. Bad discrimination against us here in NE Ohio from my own parents and 2 younger adult sisters!!! I had to hire an attorney recently for when they robbed my home a few years back when I was in the hospital and they blocked me from getting my doctor prescribed wheelchair (past)!!! Obstruction of Healthcare Benefits is a Crime!!! I called the ADA and Medicare Hotline!!! ***Set Boundaries these haters are so narcissistic and mean!!! See Dr. Ramani videos and Terry Cole "Boundary Boss" on RUclips. *See you on Orion Kelly "That Autistic Guy" podcast soon!!! 💖😘🙏 Sandi, Al & Matthew
We all carry around a wounded inner child from things that happen in our lives. It's common to humanity, no matter what nationality/culture you were born into. Do you ever wonder if the ASD community would logically whittle down "Autism" back to its basic medical conditions that are uniquely theirs alone, would you really have much to talk about on your channel--or for anyone else's channel? I understand you are trying to generate business, and most importantly, educate the general public of how Autism affects you and the rest of us. And you may have also mentioned that these conditions you share are from an ND"s perspective. I don't know, not having watched every one of your videos yet. Most subjects are pretty common to all humans. Pain is pain, no matter who experiences it to any degree. However, to me, it gets tiresome hearing explanations without ND's acknowledging we are all equally as human as those on the ASD spectrum. Isn't that what ND are hoping for out of the general public? Acknowledgement of your fellow humanity? Wish more ND's would acknowledge that equal fact. (Just sharing my perspective. Just happened to pick your channel out of a similar lineup on my feed to express this, so please don't take anything I said as personally directed at you.)
Orion man, after watching a few of your videos in recent times now, you explain things so beautifully. Im relating to just about everything in your videos. Just wanted to say that. Thanks.👍
ADHD and these feelings really hit home
I’m autistic. My family still shame me for it.
Is it possible because they were criticize, they criticize others. Especially if it was done to them in childhood ❤
no, no. no, never compliant 🥰🥰 - it was his way or the highway (and I loved him for it)🤣
I can't access any of your blogs. I get a 404 error when trying. Can you help with that, please?
The blogs aren’t part of my website anymore. Where are you trying to access from?
@@orionkelly Thank you for responding. I just found your videos a couple of days ago and I really appreciate your views. I can see myself in so much that you say. Thanks for being a voice in the community.
Yes😮😮😮🎉
I totally understand it. My parents actually did abandoned me due to meltdown so I mean for me the fears were actually rational but Jesus, has it ever sucked to be right any worse than this…
😊PLEASE READ MY BIO .”Hello stranger , My Life on The autism Spectrum “ by Barbara Moran as told to Karl Williams
I grew up in mental hospital diagnosed as schizophrenia .I was told often that people wouldn’t accept me because of what I had to do to cope with life .I think you’d like the book .Look up the title as I gave it and I think you’ll get several choices ,Both paper and E book format .People tried to get me to act normal and were on my back everyday for years .
I was fortunate to be in a place that didnt use seclusion rooms or restraints .
I would love to get your feedback .You talk a lot about how autistic people need times and places where they can be themselves and not live without love if they do .
Can you get an American book delivered to where you live in Australia.I’m sure you would like the book .I had a time when I thought I was going to be abandoned .
I thought the high end hospital had a waiting list .When I was almost 14 I had been in hospital 3 and a half years and somebody thought my progress had stopped and no explanation given
My parents had come to visit .They were with social worker and I was seeing my therapist on a Saturday morning .
i was afraid the group doctor would say they’d done all they could and they needed my bed for someone they could help.
Coping with my autism and trying to avoid meltdowns it was Sink or swim .Treatment was trying to get me to act normal .
I wasn’t alowed to talk about my favorite things ,.THATS all in the book .
I’d love to hear your feedback Thank you for all your videos .You have made many people happy all around the world .People need to hear what you say .Because you work and are raising a family you have credibility that someone in a care facility doesn’t.YOU ARE GIVING A LOT OF “NOBODIES” A VOICE .PEOPLE HEAR YOU .MORE ARE LISTENING THAN YOU REALIZE
I wondered if someone would tell parents to put me in state hospital and get on with their life.I spent my whole therapy session crying .
Thankfully that wasn’t the outcome .hospital ,I realized later had to work to keep beds filled and as long as Dad paid they’d keep me
My Mom was asking him to let her take me home for rest of visit .Sunday they drove me to hometown first time id been there since i lived at home when I was 10 and hadn’t gone to hospital yet i was almost 14 when I stepped into parents house again
I experienced daily criticism, anger, belittling, and rejection for years...Best described as living in a waking nightmare.
Same
me too. we need revenge of the autistics to come and teach these fools a lesson. my personal observation is that autistic brains are so beautiful, and we have been underappreciated and not given credit for what we are--an evolutionary leap for humanity!
the only reason we are "disabled" is because we have not yet taken over the whole world and schooled the neurotypicals into behaving "appropriately," under the new world order of autistics in charge of absolutely everything!!!
#RaisedByNarcissists
I’m 54 tomorrow. I still live it I’m done last birthday for me. GL all
@@AutisticAwakeActivistI hope you didn’t delete yourself. There’s hope to be found in God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Repent of your life of sin and put all your faith and trust in Christ. You don’t need to be a part of any *specific* church or denomination as it’s called, you can just be a Bible believing Christian. You will still be autistic, but you’ll have a friend that sticks closer than a brother. Been walking with my Creator for the past 5 years and regret nothing. Me learning I was autistic at the age of 31 this year only adds to all the things God has revealed to me about myself over the years. He’s a great God who will never let you down, as long as you come to him genuinely from the heart. I met him in the upstairs room of my parents house after living on my own wasn’t working and I was an atheist and I still called for a second chance (ruined my life with drugs because I was undiagnosed autistic and felt like drugs would numb the pain). God is good, praise the Lord.
I’m lost for words watching this, I have never in my life resonated with anything I have watched as much as I do this. At 51 I’m starting my diagnosis journey but with an AQ of 48 I’m pretty certain I’m on the spectrum. I had to literally run and show my husband yelling “ This” when you said every time you have a negative exchange with your wife you assume that’s it ..divorce , leave the house , they hate you ..that is literally word for word how my head works I literally hit the internet to look for rental accommodation! Thank you so much for making me feel less weird and less alone …
Are you alone?? Oh no. My GD's ND husband does the exact same every time they have a disagreement. Automatically assumes they are headed for divorce even if it's over something small. She's learned to control her reaction to this alarm when he gets defensive and self-protective with her. He used to get deathly quiet, but she's never left him yet so maybe he's beginning to believe her? Verbal reassurance didn't work, but staying did? IDK.
I experienced a lot of emotional (and at times physical) abuse throughout my childhood and then recently had certain family justify that abuse because I was a "difficult child". I agree that I was difficult, the world has always been overwhelming and a struggle to navigate so as a result I would act in ways that were probably hard to deal with for a parent that doesn't want to deal with it. I understand that but don't see how that is my fault.
Emotions in my family have always been seen as bad and I was never allowed to feel them or express them. For the last few months, I have been opening up about things for the first time in my life and I never realised how much all of this was affecting me.
Me too.
One of my younger siblings had pretty much exactly this experience. Our home environment was toxic and abusive anyway, and all of us were affected of course, and had responses. But in the case of this sibling, they were completely unable to disguise their emotional distress and therefore acted out in obvious and extreme ways all the time, and was definitely labelled as difficult. My parents didn't understand and probably wouldn't have behaved any differently even if they had. It's one of my deepest regrets and points of sadness that my sibling received this treatment as a child when they were showing what I, as an adult, can now see were clear signs of extreme distress and not the bad behaviour it was labelled as. I'm very sorry you had this kind of experience too. It can't be undone but please know how deeply you deserve love and healing. I know how painful it can be. Sending you all the best moving forward ❤
Thanks for also speaking about the less upbeat autism-related topics ❤️
There is so much "tadah autism is my superpower" fluff online... I do undestrand the request for that but honestly, constant anxiety and fear of rejection do not make me feel super-anything. Just trying to cope.
Autism is not a superpower Temple Grandin for example is successful in spite of autism because she is intelligent and had adequate support Had she been raised like a typical disabled person the world would have never heard of her autism makes life harder
I was born 1951 and diagnosed autistic at age 40 I grew up in mental hospital and my treatment was like adding another disability and severe shame
Sometimes it feels like kryptonite but viewing it as a weakness isn’t a healthy mindset because it leads to negativity.
Yes. Hearing both sides is wonderful and as a late-diagnosed person. I know my superpower has its use at work. After work - have the negatives to deal with.
Getting descriptions and names for the feelings and the 'why' is ... for lack of better words ... enlightening and empowering.
I can feel better and to throw resources and journal about problems instead of having thoughts and feelings that just hurt or are confusing at a given moment. A label -> way to bin and process thoughts later or a different perspective.
(😅 another item is the rambling that comes from hitting a train of thoughts. Love-hate relationship there)
Only the rich and overpriveledged are happy with autism....
I connected this phenomenon with C-PTSD. I don’t get defensive as much as quietly expect abandonment, and I think I used to think that the people in my life would wise-up eventually and leave or retreat from the relationship. This video is too true. Lol.
Speaking of C-PTSD, I'm pretty sure I DO have it since it results from being the 'scapegoat' child of a narcissist. That doesn't eliminate my having taken the AQ & other tests & relating strongly enough to autistic people & traits that I'm self-diagnosed autistic--and it came as no surprise to my husband, OR my doctor, who said she'd just put it in my chart, but it wasn't worth getting a formal diagnosis (we have a shortage of psychiatrists in this region as it is), so I get the impression it came as no surprise to her either. I just wonder if autistic people are more susceptible to abuse by narcissists. And if it starts with a narc parent who plays favorites with their children--with the autistic child, inevitably being assigned the role of 'scapegoat' or 'problem child,' we're already groomed to see narcissistic abuse as 'love.'
Now I just can't decide which version of 'Problem Child' I want to sing: the one by the Damned or the one by AC/DC (the Bon Scott version)! (Or which singer is cuter.
🤭☺)
I have partial OBE CPTSD.
@@mooncove oh wow! Both song's are brilliant but Dave Vanian is way cuter 🤣
@@mooncove we are so prone to being attached to narcissist partly because sometimes they seem the grand ones to have what we don’t have or maybe they can express themselves and fight for themselves and some of us maybe can’t or just don’t have a language to do it sometimes or whatever but also we may have been raised by autistic people who never knew they were and presented as narcissistic, and quite possibly may have become narcissistic because neither they nor their parents recognize it so there may be grown-up childhood needs as well as self hatred where we can also be prime to have that like it’s hard to know when we’re being selfish or taking care of ourselves it’s hard to know when our self involved isn’t like a choice but autistic brain works and other examples are, for example I always relate things to myself not to make it about me but you know my sister or someone shares what’s going on the way I can express that I get it and I’m there with her and I’m in that moment of empathy is literally drawing back into my own library of experiences and saying hey, I was there with you. I’ve been there like it’s like a handshake. I don’t know how to express it but often times even, those people think we’re making it about us and that could be mistaken as a narcissistic but also, so if we feel we have those trades or we’re bad or selfish and I’m not saying that the way we come across might not affect someone else as a narcissist would affect us but at least he understanding that it’s not intentional and that it is an attempt at love or bonding or relating that changes everything I think I’m just saying, though our thoughts about ourselves being not so great makes it easy for us to understand someone who’s treating us as a narcissist would like I guess all codependent excuses and not excuses. They’re like allowing room for understanding for people who are different. Literally what we know we need all our lies we give to them so we’re not just your usual codependent, but it’s just it’s very hard to extricate these things, and it can be more confusing for us because we already have going dialogue and problems with knowing you know our boundaries to respect what they even are to stand up for them to not become so rigid like this is huge for me. I’m almost 50 and I have not been in close relationships even at work because this is a huge thing like I either get up soon by the person, I try to express myself and talk too much or don’t get it. I’m still working solving this one to be honest.
I was discouraged from expressing difficult emotions. My grandmother would shush me loudly and sarcastically shoot down my words as exaggerations. I remember trying to argue back but she would just get louder until I gave up. Made me question everything I felt. I assumed this made me super humble to always assume I could be wrong, but actually now I see it's my inability to trust my inner experience.
Sounds like my mom.
I knew someone who if I started a sentence with "you" immediately went on the defensive, as if the word "you" was in itself an accusation. It made conversations difficult until I figured it out and then avoided the word "you" since I was definitely not intent on accusing the person of anything. Dealing with a person with that problem is like walking on egg shells and it took a very long time to learn how to navigate their form of communication. This person also seemed to have a win-lose perspective on everything. In a conversation or a difference of opinion, there had to be a winner (the one who was right) and a loser (the one who is wrong) and I spent an enormous amount of time trying to convey the idea that there isn't necessarily a wrong or a right, just a difference of opinion... opinion, not fact, and that only facts can be wrong or right. I don't particularly care about being right or wrong, I care more about being heard and understood. I can accept that someone disagrees with me (amazingly, I am not always right!) but find it hard if someone is not hearing/listening to me and assumes I am saying something (based on what they think I am saying) that I am not. Soooooooo frustrating!!!! Does anyone else get this? this sense that the other person jumps to the idea that you're saying one thing before you have finished laying out your thought and then responds to their own idea of what you're talking about?
I am going through this with someone. Have been for a long time. Very frustrating. Egg shells described it perfectly. Just realized he was autistic after finding Orion’s videos.
Being logical in the extreme, we base our opinions on all the available facts and information we can possibly find. So yes, we do think we're right. Also there's an immense self doubt to try to compensate for by proving we are intelligent and have something to offer. This gets out of hand and people conclude you're a know it all and it makes everything worse. I had to train myself out of this habit.
@@tnix80 My logic indicates to me that there can be facts and information I am not aware of ("possibly find", exactly). When my kids were still at home, I would preface any statement of importance with "keep in mind this is my opinion, my way of seeing this and I may not have all the facts" before I launched into an explanation or a response to their question. I thought it was vital to make them aware that as humans we cannot possibly know everything we might need to know to, for instance, make the right decision or form an opinion. Therefore one can change one's opinion when new facts/information come along. Having said that, I will defend my opinions until someone can give me facts that would make me reconsider. Being right is not the most important thing (unless you're in a situation of life and death, obviously).
I think some people will call anyone who knows more than they do a "know it all". They tend to be "know nothings".
Yes! Oh my goodness! Frustrating is an understatement to describe the constant misconceptions that they lash out at me about. It’s so tough!
Fucking yes
Got all that bad treatment in my family. And most of the time I didn't even know what I was getting punished for. When I asked they'd say I knew. I didn't have a clue. Society wasn't much better. Bullying at school and work... And yeah, the assumptions and accusations people make reading between lines that aren't there. I am currently working on inner child healing. This was really, super helpful and validating.
And I thought these things were just me. It’s so helpful to know that I’m not the only one who thinks/behaves in these ways and that it’s because of the autism and - well let’s just say traumatic childhood experiences. Orion, what you’ve shared here helps me to make sense of so many things and to make adjustments and changes in my thinking - thank you.
Knowing about the childhood trauma & how it affects you -
Is only the first step.
The road to rehabilitation - takes time, energy & effort. On your part. Best wishes on recovering your true self. 🌟
Oof. This is a heavy topic. So many relationships have come and gone due to the inner child's wounds. I need a hug after this one. Thanks for the wonderful teachings, Orion. I appreciate you.
This video hits so close to home. The 'why are you like this' and never knowing why... constantly getting told off and again just not understanding why 😮💨
“pre-programmed to always feel criticized” - bingo
I’m def the quietly compliant one. The combativeness is mostly internal. It either gets bottled up or I get passive-aggressive
I know this must have been hard to share but thank you, I've felt the same way for most of my life. A history of not fitting in and being rejected, only to finally form real relationships in adulthood leads to major rejection sensitivity. I thought I had BPD because it was so bad at one point.
I was diagnosed this year at 50 and lately I’ve thought a lot about my inner child. Thank you so much for this insight, it just made even more of my life fall into place. I’m going to share this with the people who struggle with my defensive side and my sometimes need for self criticism to stop other people doing it too me first. Sorry for rambling but this has made so much sense ❤️❤️❤️
I’m so grateful to hear that. Thank you for watching and sharing.
@@orionkelly It’s 2am in the UK and I can’t sleep I’m so glad this video came up 😊😊
Rambling on is what we do! ❤️
me too!! i'm 49, and i turn 50 in less than a month, before my evaluation! so i am pretty sure i'll be diagnosed at 50, too!! ❤❤❤
Kids need to be seen as blessings not problems .
Once again I see a video about autism that makes me say "Hey! This is me!!" I have no official diagnosis but a lot of evidence pointing this way.
I spent so much of my life in environments where I was expected to perform, not just like a neurotypical person, but as a high achieving neurotypical. Consequences of being diagnosed as "gifted" at a young age then left with no help and resources because I should be able to figure things out if I'm "smart." By the time I was a teenager I felt so wrong and broken inside that I forced myself into a highly inappropriate career because I felt a strong need to fix myself, or to be fixed by education, training, and environment.
I ended up at 35, not just with a wounded inner child, but with a continually wounded college student, young adult, and approaching middle aged adult.
At least I was able to spend the next 20 years in a work environment (IT and software engineering) much more suited to my personality and how my brain works. It wasn't perfect, but better.
So thanks very much for this.
Indeed🎉🎉🎉😮
As always, Orion, your videos are helpful and informative, and I relate on many different levels. You’ve helped me understand myself and I have used your vlogs as tools to inform my nearest and dearest, so that they may understand.
So many people land here and recognise themselves in what you say. Or, recognise these things it their loved ones. But, I think what I’m missing is advice on what to do. For example, I recognise many thing you talk about as traits in my grandchildren, so, how would it be a better way to approach them when they’re having meltdowns or are expressing themselves outside of the ‘norm’, etc.
I’m sure we’d all appreciate that advice, particularly when dealing with children so we could have a better chance of not harming their inner child for life. 🙂👍
So I have questions...
If the autistic person is pre-programmed etc... how do their family members help them see they are NOT actually being attacked and dont need to wildly over react ???
As the single mother of an undiagnosed autistic child (now 29) this has helped my understand a lot. I wish medical people had listened to me when she was young. We may have been able to achieve a somewhat normal relationship.
Uh... I don't think you're gonna like the truth very much mam. I'm an Autistic woman and here's a warning that the answer I have below is extremely blunt... So, if you are not ready for an extremely harsh, but well meaning answer you might want to skip on reading the rest.
Okay...So, you are quite emotionally brave. This is the last warning. The answer below is definitely not what allists would consider "socially acceptable" but it is as truthful of an answer as your gonna get.
Okay, clearly you want to hear me out if you scrolled down this far:
As someone who had/occasionally still has this problem... YOU DON'T DEPROGRAM THEM. That's half of the problem with this situation. Either we figure it out on OUR OWN and become our best selves... or we self destruct from the inside out.
Nothing you do can or will change an Autistic person's response to criticism directly. Literally, it's up to them to decide. You have no determining factor in it.
The good news: The vast majority of us learn on our own by our early 20s to late 30s. We have to in order to not die inside... Plus, most of us care too much for our loved ones to continue to deliberately chose actions that harm others once we see the damage it causes. It's an utterly miserable experience to avoid all criticism consiously, but the chain reaction it creates in our families lives somehow hurts so much more. That's what convinced me to stop fighting it off. Nothing anybody did around me would have ever changed a thing. I had to CHOSE to accept that I needed to change for the wellbeing of myself and others.
Again, I repeat, nothing YOU do will directly change thier decision. Reacting to criticism is often the biggest moral decision of an Autistic person's life. It's the one that ultimately decides if they become good or evil. You've already done everything you can, now it's her turn to decide.
My father is on the spectrum, diagnosed in his 60s , he shared with me that when he was in school there was a particularly traumatic year in which he had a teacher who tormented him for his behavior and dyslexia. He was regularly singled out for his short comings and forced to sit in a corner with the dunce cap.
I'm moved to tears thinking about my 11 year old self.
What happened to you when you were 11 Life did a number on me at 11
@@barbaramoran8690 Back in 1967 in the UK I moved to a new school in a town 4 miles away that I was in hindsight totally unprepared for.Without going into too much detail what followed was sheer torture and I still haven't fully recovered and probably never will.Suffice to say I was mercilessly bullied physically and mentally.
@@51elephantchang that must have been really rough it is unfortunate that adults tolerate bullying ALL THAT IS NEEDED FOR EVIL TO THRIVE IS FOR GOOD MEN TO DO NOTHING It is best that duets act like adults and model good behavior and say the rule is that all people need respect
@@barbaramoran8690 Thanks.It was and to compound it literally no-one noticed.Born too soon?
My ol ‘ guy friend has high functioning ASD with a PhD & I’m forever trying to keep up with his sarcastic sense of humor; also a condescending attitude. I love him so much but at times he seems too conflicted. He has a heart of gold with a fear of too much empathy. Just have to accept him on his terms & share our good times. ❤
I have another family member who is autistic and can sound very defensive when he's not. I am autistic and can be told by him that I'm being defensive, but that wasn't my intent at all. I'm just trying to clarify or understand something. So is he. It's just a defensive program that is built in and runs whenever there is high emotion. I'm not saying I'm never defensive, just that I can seem defensive when I'm not. Ditto the family member.
I feel like I must be the same, but I can't notice it to be able to try to counteract it. 😑
Yeah, you tell people about these things, and they're usually all like, "Well everyone's been bullied and critized at some point in their life." And they usually don't understand just HOW much criticism autistic people often get, and how intensely, and how often. And then when I give a few examples, my experiences are so traumatic that they think that I am making it up, or that I misconstrued it all, and therefore assume that I just must be an extra sensitive person who they have to tiptoe around (but I usually tolerate more than the average person does, so that's just not true). And this causes people to try and test me, to see if I am just being oversensitive or something. They will do or say something really rude (like making fun of my sexual orientation, as a demisexual), and then tell me something like, "Oh, you're being sensitive! Just because you were bullied in your workplace doesn't mean that everyone's a bully". And I am just like, "Okay, I adapt to people's different personalities, am non-judgemental and respect people; why is it so hard for so many people to do the same? Why do they feel so tempted to make fun of someone, that they just can't resist the urge?" Just common sense things. I can handle sarcasm, if it's not blatantly used to mock me about my body, sexual orientation, race, autism (in other words, common sense things); and that's all I ask for. A lot of people cannot even grasp the full mindset of not being accepted by the majority of the world; they couldn't even imagine it if they tried! And this is so frustrating. But as long as somebody doesn't invalidate my experience of the world, I am totally fine with our differences in perspective. If only they would accept my differences (I say this, because people so often act like I need to be fixed (to be "more like them")). 😶
Thanks again for the quality insights.
We've been rejected and shamed by everyone our whole life. And because until I was 35 I was normal so had no excuse, it's impossible not to come to the conclusion that you are an unacceptable person. I am a nob. It will give you MH problems. You call it cognitive bias, I call it hypervigilance, some people call it paranoid.
Also lol the bit about arguments.
Is there a way for autistic people with this issue to use this understanding to improve their defensiveness? It is hard having a life partner who cannot accept feedback and talk about it calmly and constructively.
Lately I’ve been watching a c drama called till the end of the moon and was able to see myself in the “devil god” character because of my childhood trauma on the autism spectrum. It’s a really good c drama and everything he’d been through is exactly what autism feels like.
I suspected I was autistic since I read Thinking in Pictures by Temple Grandin when I was 40. I didn't have it confirmed by a neuro psychiatrist until age 44. What you're saying hits home, because growing up an undiagnosed, untreated autistic in the 70s and 80, I was abused, abused, abused. By the time I was finally diagnosed, I was a train wreck. I'm surprised I'm still alive.
A lot of this inner wounding is why I'm divorced right now. Self-fulfilling prophecy.
Yuuup😊
Excellent video. I resonated with everything you said...thank you very much!
My oldest sister, who bullied all the kids in the family with her twin, used to tell me I reminded her of Pearl from “The Scarlett Letter”. She said it in a mocking way. When I grew up and read the book, I realized she was right. Pearl was a unique child.
Loved the tip you give of not always having to think or believe that we need to provide a solution to someone who is just venting. ❤
I totally iedntify with this. Smiling and nodding was my go-to position with rare outburts when pushed too far. I'm 79 now and have only recently started feeling better about myself. Hopefully I can have a few good years before it's too late.
I suspect my dad is autistic and he would punish me constantly to try and shape my character into a kind of person that would survive in the outside world, probably in fear that would experience the same things that he did. Unfortunately not only did that not work but on top of struggling to deal with everyday adult necessities, i have the a load of unpacked trauma on top of all the rest of the problems associated with adult autism. 27 years old and looking to get an autism diagnosis so i can figure out how to break the cicle.
The reality of being mistreated and judged in society is a fact
This causes depression, deep inner anxiety disorders and fear of rejection by any given group.
The childhood grief that was experienced doesn't go away
We still get the punishment for being different in ways we often don't have any idea what ?
You just describe my entire life story. Or how I felt about it and how others reacted. Thank you so much for this video. I’m trying to get my support system to be a little bit more supportive. I have been open about not having a very good support system, but I truly believe it’s because of all the negative stigma that they associate with Autism.
Like my dad even to this day constantly makes me feel bad for not being able to have friends or that I’m too sensitive and it’s really hard to deal with. But thank you for putting it in perspective for a Neurotypical’s. A lot of times I never realize that everyone else wasn’t as sensitive as I was and didn’t do a lot of the things that I did and then when I did realize it, I became very self-conscious.
For me it has to do with a narcissisitc maternal unit. She criticizes me for my stimming, punishes me for being myself.
I was always called lazy. If I did try hard I would end up in foster home. No matter how hard I tried I could achieve
Have you looked for groups in your area. I got diagnosed late in life (45), and I just dealt with it myself for years. Then I went to a support group and it was like I found my tribe. We were all uniquely weird and it was like being part of a think-tank sponsored by skittles!
How do I find groups like this?
Google is a good start. Then look for any national bodies that look after mental health in your area. I just searched on line.
Failing all that, you could start one.
Is it possible to heal your wounded inner child with therapy or medical or social pragmatic training?
my sister and I have some dynamics like this. For example, I say something neutral and she hears it as criticism and reacts negatively. I then have an internal reaction to her external one :) It leads to so many misunderstandings I am surprised we still want to see each other at all which is very sad. What you said Orion in this video about hearing neutral statements as criticism because of so much criticism aimed at you when you were small has given me new insight into this dynamic. In fact, I intend to find a way around it now I feel she really doesn't mean it but it comes from her wounded child. Thanks a lot.
This is exactly the video I needed my husband to watch 3 years ago. We’ve worked a lot of it out and have come to an understanding, but I’ll still ask him to watch
Because if you shut up and stop having feeling or opinions, someone might like us enough to give us permission to be alive
I don't think I HAVE an inner child because my abusive-narcissist father has NEVER stopped abusing me & my sister & her family haven't spoken to me since my father verbally & emotionally abused my mother, the peacemaker who made me think I was part of some close-knit family where I was actually LOVED, into a nursing home & all shunned me. The only person in the world whose ever loved me unconditionally & was my best friend died in 2020, & I'm stuck living next door to my father, who still treats me like a child & finds it entertaining to trigger me into a 'temper tanttrum' (meltdown) so that he can call the police & have me arrested in handcuffs & held prisoner in the hospital psychiatric ward & treated in ways that, if you treated a dog that way, would get you arrested & sentenced to prison time for animal abuse. So I have no inner child. I'm just a permanently wounded OUTER child.
My husband, who isn't autistic but I'm 99.99999% sure has ADHD (as I also have, speaking of being 'spontaneous'/impulsive), however, IS defensive about EVERYTHING I say to him, no matter how neutral. So now you've really got me thinking ... I need to share this video with him & find out what happened to HIS inner child! I'm so used to being criticized about EVERYTHING, I just EXPECT to be criticized for everything, so when I'm not, I'm pleasantly surprised. And disbelieving of compliments. And when someone doesn't abandon me (which HE did to me early in our marriage but changed his mind & now every time he talks about going back to Australia to visit his parents has to re-assure me that he WILL come back to me), just the fact that they're still interacting with me (since my father used to give me YEARS-LONG silent treatments like my sister & her family have been doing to me for the past six years with no end in sight) feels like a win. But my mom was my best friend AND advisor, & I feel completely LOST without her companionship & loving advice & wisdom. (Not that she was wise enough to save HERSELF from my father's abuse because SHE would never break her wedding vows. Yes, I asked why she stayed with him in spite of the abuse, and that's the reason she gave. I don't think she had any idea--nor did I until it was too late--that my father was capable of MURDER.)
@mooncove
Write all this down and take it with you to your GP and ask for help.
You are IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ABUSIVE SITUATION and at risk.
Your GP should refer you for social care to get you out of this situation.
You do not need this.
thats why Im glad that I was at least in a school for disabled kids. I still was often rejected but Im sure not that bad as others are.
That is me all over I’ve been treated like that my whole life and being autistic I have found myself always feeling like I have to defend myself and my feelings 😢
I am 41 years old and I have never been diagnosed, though I do have a diagnosed family member. I have long thought that I may be on the spectrum somewhere, and after watching several of your videos, I have realized that I meet many of the criteria that you have explained. My mother has said that she thinks I am on the spectrum, and I definitely agree at this point. My IQ has been measured at 145, but I struggle to function in society on any meaningful level, and have never been able to figure out why. I certainly have RSD, and I live an extremely regimented and repetitive life. I hate any type of change, and get agitated when I am forced to be around other people for any significant period of time. I have gone an entire month without speaking to another person, and it didn't bother me. I currently do not have insurance of any kind, but how would I approach my doctors regarding a potential diagnosis when I am able to do so?
I'm not sure if my adult child is on the spectrum, even though one of his elementary school teachers thought so, but puberty was not kind to him, my divorce from his father wasn't any better, and he did not like his stepdad. Granted, most of the adults in his life had issues, (myself, his father, stepdad, grandparents, etc...) but he definitely seemed like a very awkward and sensitive teenager who would easily get upset, seem defensive, and then never forgive. To this day our communication is limited. I try to be there without being critical, but I feel like I can't say anything about the things he's done that hurt me. I was a teen mom raised by a helicopter mom with low self esteem and abandonment issues after her parents divorced. Everything was the fault of others. Then his father self medicated due to childhood trauma. He was a very insecure and controlling person. Stepdad is an alcoholic, now sober, but was always bluntly honest about his feelings and opinions, which can very much come off as critical. I grew up with a void I was always trying to fill. I didn't like confrontations, so I was always trying to keep things peaceful even though it always made me feel caught in the middle. All of these things were not a good recipe for my child, who to this day is very angry. He'll bring up things that happened 18 years ago and we don't remember, but to him it was his stepdad bullying him and me allowing it to happen. To us he was a very emotionally fragile teen trying to find himself. Sometimes he would act disrespectfully, sometimes he would eavesdrop on us, and other times we would find out about things he was doing behind our back. Back then I felt like neither one of us could have any conversations with him because he would take it as criticism or worse. Today i don't think I can ever make amends. We've apologized, but it's never enough. I can't even share things about my struggles (in order for him to understand what I may have passed down to him) but he doesn't like it when I talk about myself. So I just listen. There were times when he seemed fine with us, but he's not. He's blocked me on social media, and then posts unkind things about me. I would and could never do that to him. I feel like I created an angry person who feels like a victim, and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know if turning back the clock and doing things differently would help. I feel like I had to walk on eggshells with my mom, ex, and now my son. As for the stepdad, we are still married and the best of friends, but as long as I'm with him, my son will never come around. In his eyes I chose the stepdad over him. We never knew while he was still living with us that there was so much hatred and resentment. I guess you could say that as a teen I felt like I hated my mom, but after understanding things about life and how people can have trauma, I've opened myself up to her more. We have a better relationship now even though I still have to have boundaries. I haven't heard from my son in over a month. I don't know if he's slowly going no contact with me or if he's just limiting his communication with me because it's what's best for him. I will always be there, even though to him I never have been. Relationships are so complicated. People are so complicated. All of us. 💔
I can relate to this so much and now actually understanding that I might be autistic, which was something I had never thought about or considered, but after watching a lot of your videos and relating to so much, I know think I could be, which in a way has been uplifting for me. Thanks for all the videos and explaining them so well.
I have CPTSD from many years of many forms of abuse. I’m completely blind and on the autism spectrum. I was punished, criticized, chastised. Ostracized, and even physically punished for things that benefited my blindness and autism. I was punished for touching and exploring everything around me, running into things, crying, having meltdowns, not communicating what was wrong, shaking my head, stimming, using sensory items, speaking up about how I feel. The list goes on. You should never shame a blind person for touching everything that is in their reach. You should never punish an autistic person for crying or having strong emotions. And you shouldn’t force or punish an autistic kid for not speaking up and expressing why their upset. WHAT IF THEY DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?!
I'm 50 and still can't wrap my head around the fact that there are people who speak to me about a problem without expecting the listener to come up with a suggestion. Why would anyone want to listen to my problems? Why would I bore others if I'm not in the quest for a solution?
The criticism part and several other points sound a lot like covert narcissism. How would you differentiate between the two, especially since narcissism is generally born out of the same circumstances?
Empathy diference
I have a wounded childhood, through socioeconomic disadvantage, and from being bullied at high school for 6 years. I was always hyper criticised for trying to assert myself. I was always been put down. I have been the victim of bad social and bureaucratic decisions. I show much promise, but was never given good career guidance. I tend to mop up the social problems of neuro-typical people.
I've been bullied a lot in my life. Sometimes subtly and sometimes outright. It seems like anytime I leave my home, I get misunderstood. I'm a full-time caregiver for 2 family members now, so I have to behave myself. Can't get locked up now. But don't think I couldn't hold my own in a brawl, even if I am a 63 year old woman. The last time I was in leg irons, I started laughing.
Being rejected by people, riddicluled in class, bullied and bashed every day to go home and having an abusive step dad who beat me for sometimes i didnt even understand made my childhood crap sometimes even wishing i was never born my inner child has never been happy
Preprogrammed to feel criticized or attacked. Yes! I don't receive constructive criticism well. A lot of buttering up before and after the critique is needed, and even then it's painful for me.
Orion Kelly, Thank God for you! One of your videos changed my Life! I was searching and searching for what my issue was, and I ran across your Video. Instantly, my thinking began to be transformed, I was able to cut myself some slack because of my meltdowns! Everything made perfect sense, it was like I was handed they key to the lock of the endless loop I was in emotionally. You continue to help me... 😀
That is interesting theory, but I disagree, or not actually. What I'm trying to say is that it doesn't apply me although I'm autistic. I'm not afraid that people will abandon or leave me, but still I'll go to great lengths to avoid disagreements in relationships, but It's because I hate all the feelings that are going around during a conflict between people. I don't understand other peoples reactions. I can argue to the end of time, based on facts but that's different. People make arguments some how personal and get angry, I don't understand it, so I avoid it. If people would leave me, I could finally be on my own and concentrate just to my own thoughts, I might be happy. So not afraid of being left alone, but still avoiding conflicts.
I love your channel. Many big mahalos 🤙💙
Me trying to get facts out of my mother makes her get annoyed right back
Absolutely True. Excellent, expressed so very well.
I wonder if there's any evidence that EMDR therapy helps with these issues -- the trauma and anxiety that's created in children with autism.
8:06 Holy crap, you just described me perfectly
I was bullied by my classroom asstint in school she made me cry and not won't to go
my second time watching this video...
Just wondering… could this be why some autistic people have social anxieties or are introverted? Or is it both being autistic and childhood trama? My bf seems to be so afraid of going anywhere or being around anyone. I mean the childhood issues alone would make me want to just hide and always be on the defense.
He could have an anxiety comorbidity as well.
Miss marie_me I suffered no trumer apart from some stupid things my mother would say that one shouldn't say to young men as there mum but I always hated new company even playing new sides at sport because unimportant things could take my confidence and then depending on situation I either get it back or never regain it until something changes with those people. I think I'm lucky in the fact my father as similar tendencies but he taught me to never take shit or let someone be a smart arse. I'm also lucky because I'm coordinated in movement better than most individuals which is unusual for people on the spectrum but I still have no interest in going out to many things or desire to even for others but I force myself to do so because it's the right thing to do but understand I'm mostly likely not enjoy one second of it and if I do it can change back to dislike at zero notice. I hate crowd's sit facing door in the corner at restaurants and I hate the experience even more if I'm pressured into going out because then I'm irritated about the whole event because it's most likely unplanned.
Does your partner get worse if say you're out and then it's decided to go the casino but this was unplanned for the evening and you can almost see the terror on his face? Notice is certainly required for social interaction with myself
@@n.w.owhoknowstheshadowknow58 I never surprise him with a date. He will always know where we are going. We only go out to one small pub/bar for karaoke. He doesn’t sing . I only sing. If we drive to the store, I let him stay in the car because I know he hates crowds. If we order food, I order for him. If we have visitors, If he gets overwhelmed he will go to my room or his car and smoke. I know people bother him so I don’t mind. We are no longer partners but we have stayed close friends because I know he needs a friend. I’m the only one he can talk to.
@@Marie_me_ that's cool. I'm quite similar and if you ask him he's most likely reasonably happy combined with a self hatred that come and goes. I stopped giving two fucks about others feelings over mine and my self hatred pretty well disappeared except for in my gut I know I'm not quite the son my father who's a great man deserved due to taking the easy road when the difficult one was required and thought need to be given. You sound like a terrific person to me I hope he understands that not many continue keeping up friendships deliberately for our benifite:) in my experience is been for them, when the of need striks for a sucker for an evening or five. I'm not sure how old you are but I once had a perfect girl who loved me, helped me and just accepted that I'm not quite like most. I destroyed it through arrogance, lack of knowledge and no understanding of what matters in life and looking at unimportant things she didn't offer that I was told mattered!!compared to what I actually had that most don't have and that's a feeling of love when trying not to wake her as you free you're arm at 5am when you getting ready for work. by dumb luck I found this girl at the pub on Tuesday and since the day she left my world 5+ years later its never been as warm or comfortable uncomfortable again. I soon realised I wasn't the one making it warm lol. not another girl has been close to this girl as now we are all getting older damaged trust seems like a made up possibility of a fairy tale no one gives a chance due to the abundance of options at ones finger tips. Betrayal is possible sitting on the same couch unfortunately. I already know this man likes you over just about all others he ever going to meet by the fact he's willing to go karaoke lol. He hates karaoke and the thought of singing publicly is a flat no:). If he's got his own hobbies outside of the home, works ECT be careful whom you replace him with as he should be also. Most will fall short in reality to someone willing to do things they hate to hopefully make you happy for an evening. Most will also fall short of keeping in touch because they know another requires this regardless of the probability it's in ones best interest...
@@n.w.owhoknowstheshadowknow58 oh yes his self hatred shows up every now and then. And we definitely have our ups and downs but I find it better to just be friends because our expectations are way to high when we are a couple. We just don’t understand each other and that’s typical I know. I think the reason why we have stuck it out could be because we are 17 age difference. I’m the older one.
The behaviours of the Wounded Inner Child have led the psychiatric community to label (and mis-diagnose) us as having all sorts of Personality Disorders. Thankfully there are tiny, tiny changes starting to happen in this area.
Being defensive has caused people to say “It makes me not want to talk to you about anything”
I already self criticise so I don’t need others to do it
Fantastic explanation exactly my childhood and current criticism from my wife every day it kills me inside even though i try so hard im meant to be a grown man and still bullied at work and home.ill just keep on going.
Thank you, I am 63 years old, diagnosed as “on the spectrum” about a year ago, retired MD. I was told that I couldn’t be autistic “really” because I have been “so successful”. Your discussion of indwelling fears (certainty) of lack of personal value and invalidity strike a painfully resonant chord. No amount of “success” seems capable of overcoming this bias. What, if anything is the way out of this?
That's an excellent question, and I promise I'm not trying to be sarcastic or judge-y. I'm neurotypical, and I know there's been a lot of talk around this issue separate to its relevance to the autistic community. Not sure it's got anywhere sufficiently concrete for many people to 'fix' it - Orion's 'venting' comment is relevant here, I'm sure you've seen plenty of people in your practice who you couldn't figure out why they were there, cos it clearly wasn't to do what you could tell them to fix their problem. A lot of NT people are fine with that - some of them love it - but I imagine it's more than a little disappointing.
So maybe to mitigate that a bit, it could be worth searching some of that research, particularly in search engines with an academic bent. The other thing I'd like to suggest, though, is maybe to see it (as incomplete as it is) information in itself; Not every bias can be overcome - more often than not, it's about accepting it/them as a possible explanation for some of the things in our/your experience. In the Communication disciplines, we use the awareness of bias as part of the frameworks we bring to understanding the world, our place in it, the people we relate to (both casually eg in a shop or intimately eg in a family unit) and how we relate to them. consider/evaluate them. Understanding our biases, and what we can glean of theirs (both of which are seldom explicit), can then inform the choices one make going forward, dealing with people in one's life, whether autistic or not. Best wishes for exploring what can seem a very abstract idea but often has very real consequences
We have a lot in common.👍 Good video!