Narcissistic Parenting: 8 Common Effects
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- Опубликовано: 11 сен 2016
- Narcissistic Parenting: 8 Common Effects
www.drcraigmalkin.com/the-book
Many have written in to ask me: what are the most common effects of having a narcissistic parent? Here, I describe the 8 I've most commonly seen.
To learn more about recovery and more easily spot even subtle narcissism at the start of a relationship, read my internationally acclaimed book, Rethinking Narcissism. tinyurl.com/j4t7hmh
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Constant gaslighting, and only when no one else is around. Who'd ever believe you especially when they are such a nice person?
Yes
and so charming
They’ve “tried to help you,” they’re suffering about your mental health, they’ve spent $$ on your care but “she just can’t get it,” your whole life struggle is great topic for relatives or friends, and others think she’s the Soldier !! Had to deal with her children’s chaos ...then incessantly gripes that she can’t escape it.. once I truly understood and stopped sucking up all the blame, who can I even talk with in my family....I’m easily maligned
Exactly they are fake they live two lives easily they can switch off narcissism at any given moment to manipulate a situation avoid them you will never be able to expose them because they got people fooled well that or others just don’t care narcissist will be there for others needs and those people like that and all while abusing you psychopaths always have their little victims not everyone will be their victim because they can’t look bad to other’s while they play around behind the scenes if they were like this to everyone they would have to deal with actually being wrong or accused of their behavior
@@four-x-trading5606 They aren't switching it off. The set up and trigualtion for supply is in place. Every time someone judges the victim its like unspoken praise to them, it balances their self esteem equation. They are another 'ally'. They too can see that the devalued one is less valuable. Just like they can, its vindication, justification.
I have a narcissistic mother and a sociopath father. I suffer from echoism severely. I was married to a narcissist for 27 years. I am struggling to find my voice and to be comfortable receiving attention. I am terrified of being narcissistic myself. I avoid attachment and am very independent these days. When I was young I was sure I wouldn't make it past 25. I am so surprised to find myself to be 50 and I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I have sever chronic PTSD.
So all this time I thought I was all alone. Turns out I have a lot of company.
@Lisa Lu Amen, Lisa. Amen.
Your story is like reading mine..50, now what....i literally walked to work and stood on my feet all day with a broken foot, in my 20s...i didnt feel i mattered to anyone. I was afraid of losing my job. I didnt have the slightest idea who to ask for help, or how to. Most ofmy life ive felt either invisible, or terrified of other people seeing me, to the point of extreme social phobia/agrophobia.
I feel you are describing me. Same kind of parents. Married to. a narcissist 27 years. Life is just getting started now! Thanks for sharing. You are so NOT alone!
@Page Lionheart thankyou.:-) At least i have learned more self care now. ♡
You do have alot of company and we all love you and are here to support you..I'm so happy you told your story...and I'm so happy you made it past the point that you thought you would...and I'm so happy you got to the point where those abusers can no longer hurt you...you are very strong and will get passed the not wanting attention thing easily...have a great one honey...it's all our learning experience
now i have no doubt i have ptsd from narcissistic parenting. for as long as i can remember.
ironartist it’s hard to imagine a human soul enduring such and not developing some means of survival. We did what we needed to.
I was severely traumatised and I probably still am to an extent but will continue to do work towards healing.
Good luck to you 💕
I certainly do,, and trouble is her narcissistic ways still continue and effect me over and over . I feel it will never end, even when she’s gone
I was adopted by a very damaged narcissistic mother. I had years of physical, sexual and emotional abuse. My father ignored it all and did nothing to help, but I loved him deeply because he was the only one in my family who never said he hated me or that I was worthless. I have felt dirty and worthless all my life. I will be 50 in January and I started therapy because I would like a few years of feeling some kind of peace.
shylocie so sorry to hear your story, I was married to two, one for 6 yrs, other 14, and 1/2, I understand some of the pain, you have went through, mine wee extremely abusive, though they did not start that way, May our God in Heaven send you His peace through Jesus Christ His son, and by the Holy Spirit, so you can have the peace that goes beyond all peace , that people can have here on earth, prise the Lord Jesus Christ, if it weren't for Him, I would not have my life, or my sanity by now all the garbage I went through, I did not realize that people were anything like that , .y mom died at my age 14, oldest, then 9 year brother, and new bore mother died at the hands of doc., s wrongs so a new born brother. my dad went back to drinking within 2 weeks, it was a miracle like I said I have peace or sanity, Jesus can give it to you , all you have to do is ask Him to show you He is real, May He bless you abundantly in Jesus name I pray amen.
I echoed my mom for years... 25-30 years starting at 20 yrs old. I was so damaged living in my emotionally abusive family I dropped out of college and did everything to please others hoping things would work. They did not work out. LOL! Finally I had to go on disability and try and piece together something out of the pieces of myself. These Narcissists did anything possible to kill me off psychologically and finally labeled ME the Narcissist.
like hearing about a parallel life.
I was raised by one narcissist ( my mom ) and dad was not a narcissist . Mom had me placed in a Juvenal mental asylum in 72 for being outed as a gay boy , I was 13 They gave me Electric Shock therapy one time and I broke the entire instrument in a rage I never had before, or sense , and by the age of 18 I was free . Its really up to you to recognize your mom is not a good mom and you need to hit the road . I am a P.I for a federal law firm now and I shined the chip on my shoulder like and Oscar and love living the life I live . I now appreciate the hard times I had , it made me strong
so sad to read what was done to you. You did not deserve that in any way or form. It is cruelty and homofobia and lack of knowledge, that constituted these actions, not you. The most magnificent thing to do is to rise above, and I am so happy you were able to do that. Most would be broken for life. Wish you all the best
Holy shit....well done you. !!
so glad you were able to come out of that horrible childhood stronger and turn your life around to one that YOU enjoy! Mazel Tov!
@@MsGerryK Don't put Holy in front of any and everything. It is disrespectful.
You're the man! What a way for a child's life to be totally wasted by a parent or parents with this condition. Parents like this have no idea of the value of a human life. It's a tragedy of the highest order. And in many ways, society quietly supports this behavior. That's how narcissists can go about unnoticed. It's a cultural problem as well. Child victims of narcissists have no recourse, they must endure, because who are they going to believe when a child speaks out, the child or the "mature" adult? Maybe things are changing now but during the twentieth century, a child had virtually no way out of this type of situation, they were in prison for the long term. For many victims who never see what happened to them, they remain in that prison their entire lives. It's a fate worse than death.
I’m 54 and now discovering my mother is a religious narcissist. You are accurate in saying what a terrible waste of life or that relationship . She’s inflicted the silent treatment on me for more years than actually speaking and being on good terms with me. It’s always something.
You hit the nail on the head!! I was horribly abused by my narcissistic dad my entire life, and I never had any recourse. Child protective services and the police used to get called to our house, and even then, they never did anything. After all, my dad was a successful businessman and I was just some “unstable” kid looking for attention. He was excellent at manipulating everyone. It was awful growing up that way. I used to have anxiety attacks every time I came home from school because I never knew what kind of abuse I was going to face that day. My family always backed up my dad.. and even went to the point of making me apologize for his outbursts because apparently it was always my fault when he lost his temper. Now, I’m 29 and on my own and have cut ties with my dad, and everyone is now finally seeing his true colors. It’s too late though... I’m stuck trying to pick up the broken pieces that have been dumped on me my entire life and do what I can to try to have a productive life going forward. Your upbringing really can affect you as an adult.. I feel like my life was wasted being raised by such a toxic human being. I probably could’ve accomplished a lot more if I didn’t spend my life carrying the burden of not only being abused, but being blamed for the abuser’s behavior, which led me to hate myself and I became very self destructive. I think society needs to do something about these types of parents. Obviously kids are supposed to respect their elders but they shouldn’t have to just put up with being punching bags for emotionally disturbed adults. This is how we end up with so many drug addicts and mentally ill people in society. (I fall into both of those categories). Thank god for videos like these that bring awareness!
Forshortened sense of future. Now I know why I never have been able to plan anything even more than 1 day ahead.
Yes, a recovering "fierce independent" person, which is incredibly sad and isolating, when the core of joy, I learned over time, can come from being vulnerable with the right people and feeling heard/helped/supported.
Amen. Trust yourself and don't look back. Love to you on your journey.
Thank you Dr. This video saved my life. My Narc mother still is emotionally and physically abusive. I chose this year to never speak to her again. She is in denial and lives to manipulate and gas light me. You confirmed for me that it is Okay to walk from this situation. I could just hug you. Thanks again!
I'm so glad my work helped! Sending virtual hugs back to you :-)
Veda C At Google Good idea to completely separate yourself from her. The toxicity is so damaging to you and you deserve to live a peaceful life. You’re much better off so you will eventually heal from the loss. A person can never give you what they do not have. So if stop expecting for them to think and live like you do, you’ll be happier. God bless ❤️
Callum Dudley sending you the strength to go no contact. Sending healing thoughts. You deserve to be happy.
Callum Dudley I wish you the best. Disconnecting is hard, but once you get the toxicity out of your life healing is easier and life is more peaceful. I wish you that peace.
Good for you Veda C! You deserve to have a happy life.
I would add scapegoating to the abuse. I don't know if every narcissistic parent is as abusive to all the children, but it seems that when the parent chooses a child to be the permanent scapegoat the others don't have it as badly. The scapegoating involves a lot of projecting of the parent's human weaknesses onto the scapegoated child - which probably contributes to the cause of the first effect 1. chronic self-blame
Alchemy Ocelot completely agree with this. The scapegoat seems to get worse treatment, but actually they still have their mind, whereas the golden child is brainwashed and has their whole identity taken from them as they are put on a pedestal and made to meet demands that are humanly impossible.
I was the scapegoat, too. Sucks.
My eldest sister was the scapegoat, but she never managed to escape the dysfunction and abuse. When she died, I became the new scapegoat. And finally experienced everything that she had told me, but couldn't accept. After all she was a drug addict so how could she have known what was truly going on? I was so wrong.
i'm 49 and my mother the narcissist still uses me as her scapegoat, as i got older i realized that she will never stop, starting when i was 4 my parents treated me as a burden and a punching bag for my brother and sister. She never said a word to them, she allowed my aunt and uncle to join in, my aunt was the first adult to tell me for fuck off at 11. my mom spoke about me like i was a criminal. none of her friends liked me, they thought i was the character she created for me.. so much more, it felt like a knife was in my heart and they twisted it when they felt like it.
Rebecca I’m struggling with this also
Been watching as my younger brother(one of the golden ones)
Interact as he’s had a heart attack and I go visit with my mum
It’s so fkd up basically I took on the Mum role at his bedside
I’m totally exhausted I just got out of a narc relationship 5 months ago and have had to do no contact.
I’m stuck because I’m not going to walk away from my family
I’m doing low contact but my brother in hospital has changed all this and I’m watching with my eyes on stalks.
You got me with “the character she created for me “ 😢😭
I cried listening to this. I'm 66 years old and still trying to deal with the aftermath of years of emotional abuse. I worried so much about being a burden that when I had stage 4 cancer I rarely asked for help from anyone. I'm not sure I will live long enough to get healthy.
Think about it, OCD, being massively unsure of yourself, or always told "you can't do anything right!" as a child. Now, you have to turn the doorknob 3 times to be "sure" it's closed, you have to check the oven 5 times to make sure it's really off, and so on.
A lot of these anxiety disorders, OCD, panic attacks and so forth, I've been saying for some time now, definitely stem from emotional abuse from our childhood and relationships, especially the early relationships.
It's incredible how vulnerable we are as children the first 5 to 6 years of our lives. Raising children correctly is a very delicate matter, but it seems like assholes just seem to think you can just pop out kids and they raise themselves or something. Just look at the state of our society today. Look at the sheer number of dysfunctional people. Look at the sheer number of also people who have suffered due to narcissists, just alone from the video views and comments you can tell how insanely common this crap is. And these are only the people that found out about it! How many more are suffering blindly, having no idea as to what is going on!?
I go on a rollercoaster of emotions sometimes thinking about all this destructive crap and how these narcissists just think they can abuse people like that for years, or even decades, like it's nothing! Something needs to be done. They can't just get to do this unpunished.
Wow I totally relate to this 😱
My mother does this a lot. If I say something that she interprets as me pointing something out...she'll have an outburst out and say things like "Oh I'm such a terrible mother" and "Oh...I treated you so bad"...it's really frustrating.
See, a normal mother would be genuinely concerned if you brought up (without insulting or yelling of course) how she hurt you. She'd want to make it better.
sa H That's hard for me to imagine. I'm just so used to my mom getting defensive. My mom wonders why I have such low self esteem...that was thought to be a core cause of my panic attacks during exams....so I brought up to her why I think I have it....(at least what I discovered through therapy) due to the emotional abuse from my father. My mom denies it or says it wasn't that bad and that my father cares for me and did everything he could for me. Then she tells me how "oh you think you have it so bad, you should have seen what went on at my house". Yes, my parents pushed higher education on us and I'm grateful for that...but there is a lot else I'm not.
she's only trying to make u feel guilty and shut u down that way
L O My mom said the exact same thing!! I approached her when I was 17 gently asking her to modify some of her speech and behavior because it was hurtful to me. Her reply? "Oh, that's right! I'm this terrible parent!" and "I can't do anything right!" "I'm not good enough for you, am I?!" I stood by the fridge stunned, disoriented, and anxious.
L O i fucking hate those 2 phrases. At what point do you take responsibility? Never. Shes 74 and she said this to me over text for the millionth time last week.I did not respond.
As a highly sensitive, undiagnosed Autistic person, raised by narcissistic parents, it’s no surprise I ended up as an echoist. It was safest to echo what was “acceptable”, and not speak a word out of line. I even went through a period of selective mutism as a teen, because I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing. I was afraid to speak to my very own parents. Listening to you speak about echoism, it all makes so much sense now.
For some children with insecure attachment I think it's probably driven by recognition that their needs will not be met in any case, and a giving up. This could actually be a sign of resilience, as it's based on realistic perception and appraisal of the situation.
Eventually maybe there's a turning to drugs or alcohol, development of addictions, ODD, etc.. On the other hand, if there are more responsive people available, the child may give up on meeting their needs within the family and turn towards those others - which can be good if the others are truly kind, or can be terribly dangerous if the child has been recognized by a pedophile as needy and vulnerable.
My wish is that the family court system has a few judges a commissioners that only hear high-conflict cases which are full with borderline personalities like narcissists. The judges and commissioners would need to be highly trained from people like you. My children have a narcissist father who gets worse every year. My commissioner and tells me it's better to have a dad then no dad and we've been fighting this now for 7 years in court. How my children are when they come back after weekend with being with my ex is just heart-wrenching.
Thank you these videos! Just found it after researching this topic. Both parents were narcissistic and I suffered terrible abuse. Still single, no kids at 51. I couldn't pass this down. I am on my own and can't rely on anyone. This is very helpful. Thank you.
Trish Page Same here... 😔
❤❤❤
Me too.
Me too
Great video I am 37 and in the last 6 months have I been finally able to see what happened to me. My dad is a Narc and my mom did all she can all these years to " make it work" she still does not truly recognize the level of dysfunction in our family. This video really sums where I am mentally and where I have been my whole life. My mom
Will die in denial but I am determined to come to grips with this
I'm glad it helped.
welcome to the club. same here
Well, you're lucky, I'm 46, and just came to this information. I wish I had understood NPD and understood that I was raised by an extremely narcissistic father 25 years ago, or at least by my 20s or 30s. But, some people never will never know, like so many others who came before us and this information.
Den Dore ~ I am 35 and this is my story too!
Realizing all this literally two weeks ago.
Daddy is a Narc, mama will go to the grave in
denial.
I am Grateful for this video and finding you
today Dr Craig. Blessings Peace & Joy to you!
vdbproductionsuk ~ if you decide to do that
letter, it is only for you Bc Narcs do not have Empathy.
So really, My Friend, it is only re opening
old wounds you are healing, by giving
the Narc joy knowing that they got to you,
and I am sure that isn’t what you are intending.🙃
So tis best to write it ~ if you choose to ~
then burn it or discard it in a special way
that gives healing only for you.
Blessings your way in your healing journey!🙌🏼
Thank you so much for this. I am 42 , a daughter of a narcissist, and have Just heard for the first time the term 'echoism'. a light bulb moment. Thank you.
Don't feel bad. I am 54 and just now figuring out why my mother hates me thanks to this man's therapy videos.
It is because she can't manipulate me. I see right through her games and she knows it. Keep on studying the subject it will turn a plethora of lights .
This video resonates with me so much. I will do more reading on echoism because it's giving me chills it describes my experience to a T. I lived through exactly what you descibe. When I left home at 22, following rants, rages and tantrums that going to university would be the biggest mistake of my life, I started to suffer from debilitating panic attacks which came on suddenly, without trigger and had me thinking I was dying. Twice I ended up in emergency. I thought, and was told, that I was deficient somehow . I internalized this as truth and yet another reason to loathe myself. In social situations I wanted desperately to be invisible and could not understand how others seemed to be enjoying themselves. I've been haunted by a deep fear of being inadequate in spite of much professional success. I was hoping you could do a video on how we can undo this but inaccurate and self sabotaging hinking much later in life. Thank you for your work. It's making a big difference to people like me.
when he started to describe the thought process of self-blame it was hard to not get emotional. even as a grown man i still do it.
Vidoes like these are my therapy from narcissistic alcoholic father and schizophrenic mother, homewrecking former step mother. These videos help me to understand and like myself -- somethings the narcissistic took away from me as a child.
Suicidal Ideation, all my life until I went no contact
Mischa me too!
Same!
Same since age 8 or 9 till going no contact over 2 years ago.
Break free and live the lives you deserve 💗
I have that too...until you cut them off huh?
Truth
I'm 55 y/o female with N mother and N older brother. Father was co-dependent with N mother. He killed himself 21 years ago. He tried to tell me what was "wrong" with N mother, but I wasn't able to see it at that time. I finally "got it" a few years ago, but much too late to help him. He spiraled down after my brothers and I left home. He was alone with her...her only target, her only source of supply. I watched him devolve into near insanity over a period of about ten years. I now realize that he was suffering from Complex PTSD. Learning about NPD and how it affects loved ones has helped me to deal with the paralyzing guilt I continue to feel about his death. I've learned that older brother was the golden child, I was the scapegoat and my younger brother was the invisible child. I've gone "no contact" with mother and older brother. And, I have had limited contact with younger brother for decades since he left home. I understand that N mother and N brother are products of their childhood trauma, but I also understand that I can't fix it. Only they can fix themselves and they never will because they can't acknowledge that anything is wrong with them. It's wonderful to realize that I can fix myself, however and I'm in that process. I can relate to many of the points you made here. I became the family "fixer" after Dad died and I now realize that this constant stress is what killed him and it, in all likelihood, would have killed me as well eventually. In the year before "seeing" and going "no contact", I considered suicide many times.
Artist Survivor, thanks for the message I am a father in that same position. Your post is really inspiring bc the only thing I want is for my daughter to develop empathy and be able to heal. She's less than a year old and I know it feels like it's too soon to throw in the towel, but I feel that way every day. I can't believe we live in a world that doesn't understand narcissism and the damage it does to everyone involved.
@@codymangum8162 brother I'm in the same boat. My daughter is now 2 and a half. There's no way I can leave her yet. I've said that when she's old enough to pick up the phone and call me, that's when I will consider leaving. Until then I will continue to learn how to deal with my N partner and manage my emotions. It's a real challenge and I might not make it - but I have to try. Stay strong and knowledgeable bro.
Nirva Rybak What he is doing is illegal. Seek legal counsel.
My mom did too. Those migraine funks. Me too. I'm more of a bpd. My mom was loud, beat me, emotional abuse. No aggression. I disassociate. I'm the victim. Holy crap! I've never seen into the future.I have cptsd.Thank you Doctor.
My mom had our entire family convinced she was diabetic-monitored her blood sugar levels 4 times/day, went to see her doctor and a dietician regularly, and became more and more fanatical about checking ingredients/watching dietary restrictions as she got older. (She really should have had business cards printed with "Hi! I'm a diabetic... so treat me with kidd gloves" printed!) During her hospitalization following brain surgery (and I became care-giver round the clock at the hospital) her physician thinks I am crazy because I'm insisting my mom's blood sugar be checked. Turns out-she had NEVER been diagnosed with diabetes in her life... it had never even been the faintest health concern.
Ahh-but then, mom would do ANYTHING to ensure she was in the spotlight, because only she mattered!
Very helpful. I was fiercely independent. I ran away as a teen and then worked multiple jobs to put myself though college including graduate school and all but my last year of law school. I made straight As. And loved my work to the point I defined myself through my work. I also was a great caretaker. When my 8 years younger brother, at 17, after lost his dominant hand and took a divot out of his skull in a car accident, I put my entire life on hold, returned home and cared for my brother for years. I learned aseptic technique in order to change his skin graft dressings so he could return home from the hospital sooner. I not only helped him I also learned postural drainage and percusive therapy techniques to care for my narcissistic mother. I grew up as her scapegoat. She could be physically abusive but she always was emotionally hurtful. As long as I could maintain my fierce independence, my life went well. Unfortunately, I had Borreliosis, Babesiosis and Bartonellosis for decades misdiagnosed as chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and clinical depression. During my final year of law school when I both working to earn money and representing indigent clients accused of crimes in D.C. Superior Court through a special honors program - I became so sick that I couldn't get out of bed. Suddenly - I became dependent upon my mother for financial help. Slowly - my life became a total nightmare. Although I finally was properly diagnosed - I was undergoing treatment years later while my mother continued to behave in ways that basically have come close to destroying my life. I still need treatment for my infections but since my mother, without any warning, sold our family home, disposed of everything I ever owned, ceased paying my health insurance premium, somehow told enough falsehoods that my brother ceased speaking to me and died in other state leaving everything to my brother - I'm too poor to afford the medical help I need. Worse I've no resouces for therapy. Living on the cusp of homelessness and trying to survive on Medicaid is tough. But the hopelessness and depression I'm struggling with as a result of the mental health problems I'm just now learning that I've likely had all my life is worse. I want to get better both emtionally and physically. I'm determined to find a way to do just that but I welcome any suggestions you may have. Thank you for these videos. I'm not about blaming my mother. I'm about owning my issues and working through them. I had no idea that there was this type of diagnosis. I knew something was not right with my family particularly my mother. I, however, had never heard the term malignant narcissist until a previous therapist mentioned that he believed my mother to be so after years of his personal interactions with her. At the time - it went over my head because I had so many other financial and health crises going on. But now as I investigate and research the topic it all makes eerie sense.
Thanks for this video. The side effects are all in place of the need to say "you're not doing your job" to the parent, and the parent's coping mechanisms are replacing the statement "I'm too sick to be a parent or to love you." The failure of the family concept or dream must be accepted in order to acknowledge your experience.
Raised by a severe narcissist was 16 years of trauma and then the after effects.
Everything said in this video is the exact experience of me growing up. It teared me up and brought back some very traumatic memories. My mother was a very sick woman with NPD and she refused to get treatment even when recommended by her Family doctor. It wrecked havoc for a long time for me, depression, suicide and years of therapy. I was so scared of doing the same to other children I decided to not have any kids. People don’t realize the impact of psychological abuse has on children and their adult life.
I grew up with narcissistic parents. Well the whole family anyway was like this towards me. I'm 34 now and still suffer the effects from this. I go through life as if I have to walk on egg shells for people.
I look forward to future coping videos. I am HSP and believe I have echoism. If we work on being more assertive in our relationships will that help? I was extremely gaslighted too...for 5 decades. I kept tuning to my sisters, but no one would validate me.
I walked away from 12 family members this Easter, I finally realized I can validate myself!! I discovered that I was amoungts wolves after a google search on "lack of empathy" and "being set up".
I am so glad for the internet. In the past I would go to the library and research things like manic/depression, schizophrenia and could never figure out what was going on in my family. Both my parents and 2 sisters appear to have NPD. One parent is covert and that is where most of the damage comes from.
Also, will I ever heal?? I have been journaling, feeling all the feeling I stuffed away and doing self care. It has been 6 mnths of no contact and I am kind of getting sick of thinking of them. They repulse me, yet at the same time I mourn the loss of family.
In fact assertiveness is important, but nearly as important as *what* we assert. I recommend empathy prompts in Rethinking Narcissism as a way of developing your voice and testing out who you can trust (and who you can't). Healing is a journey, and it involves learning ways to relate that help us heal (i.e., becoming better at sorting through who helps us grow and who holds us back). If you've had this much chaos on your family, you also need an experienced therapist and plenty of healthy support networks.
And yes-- a resounding yes.. You can heal.
Thanks you for your reply. I will learn more about empathy prompts and start looking for a therapist.
It feels like I am trapped in my own hell. I miss the happy woman I was. Thanks for reassuring me that I will heal.
I'm so glad to hear that. Take good care.
Gypsy Julie I miss the old me too 😔
All of these are vital parts of my personality. My husband saved my life.
These sentences saved my life and made no contact possible...thanks for the insight
I had a Need Panic "attack" when I had my child. I lived by myself and was in my 40's. My mother visited for a week. But I remember feeling panicky and alone...repeatedly calling and asking for kind, caring support. Of course, they didn't bother. You should have seen me juggling business, baby and house without a relative in sight.
Then shortly I moved back into the Fierce Independence mode.
My independence cradles me. I have been independent since I was 15 when I left home... disgusted with the narcissist.
Just after I had my second daughter I went through a few months of a need panic. The strongest feeling was to be hugged. Oddly, when I hugged my children. It was me giving them love. I felt selfish thinking they were giving me love back. I shouldn't ask that of them. It was the exact opposite of my own mother. She never hugged me out of concern for me. In fact, if I asked her politely to please make dinner she would say, 'Okay, hug me to give me energy'. Not the other way around. Like I had to earn my keep. So, so strange. God, flashbacks. I don't know when it will ever end.
Google User I like
Thank you so much for sharing! I had never heard of echoism before. I am in recovery from narcissistic abuse and doing well. Never stop learning about this. I was just telling someone that while stuck at a friend's place way longer than I wanted to be there because I was in an accident that: I was trying to make myself be small, don't want to be a burden, I can handle my own needs, I don't need help, I don't like relying on others because they can use it against me. Don't mind me I can handle it on my own.
I will take a look at this now. Thanks!
Thank you so much, Dr Malkin. I'm 76 years old now, and have spent much of my life trying to figure out what was wrong with my mother! Until I had my own children, I didn't really dig deep, and my youth was mostly spent on blaming myself for our difficult relationship. I didn't understand WHY she was annoyed with me, and she would never discuss it, or explain. Fortunately, my dad was a good friend to me, and just like me, whenever she was difficult with HIM, he assumed it must be his fault. He was very loyal to her, and we didn't discuss the difficulties we both had in our relationship with her. The very worst thing she ever did was to give me the silent treatment. It was agony, and yes, I walked on eggshells, hoping and praying that it would last only one day. Sometimes, that was the case. At other, even more awful times, she would not speak to me for two or three days. I am so grateful for this video - and particularly thank you for the quiet voice in which you deliver your very valuable message.
I too have all of these!!! Oh how I wish it could have been different. How about a 43 yo still feeling these things.. I had to save myself & walk away. It was never me! I was just acted like a child should be.
Special K 30 I know thua is an old comment but i wanted you to know you arent alone. My N mom abused me until she died when i was 32. It took almost another 10 years to get therapy. Now, almost 44, i am in therapy and working on it. You can do this!
Both my parents were the same way,weird thing is as if life was a play they gave me and my a year older sister our parts and treated us accordingly.There was a time i gave up & played my part but when i was old enough to realize i was being sculpted, i put my self together and distanced myself from sadly only from my mother.My only goal was never to need anyone/my parents ever again.Had my own family.I didn't know the need to ensure i didn't need any one, the way i did like a child was the effect of it. I am also having problems with goal setting,it is a too difficult.Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom & knowledge.It was very helpful.
I had figured these things out over many years and through many tears, but never seen them all put together so succinctly. All apply but #7. This was me, my life. I have come a long way and feel I am nearing the end of my healing journey and this video has helped me summarize and be able to evaluate everything together. Thank you so much. I wish I had seen this years ago. It is the best resource I have come across so far because you nail it. You just completely nail it. Validation.
Can really identify with having no future.....and it's definitely the worst of them all. Coping skills?
I've started to address them. See the follow up video. I also help people develop a voice in #RethinkingNarcissism
Thank you so much, it´s very hard to explain how devastating this can be.
Great talk, incredibly useful! Could you help me find the "follow-up" video that addresses the "Have no future" response to being raised by a narcissistic parent? I can't identify it. Maybe a link to it? Thanks a million.
Katie Smith I thought I would live this long
Agree. This is an effect that I hadn't heard described before, but I definitely experience this. Thinking about it, I suppose I never could make plans as a child. I had no voice in my own future and never knew what to expect from my father day to day.
I have all the symptoms 😔 Thank you for sharing. It is so helpful and validating 💜
I'm so glad you found it helpful!
The doctor is brilliant. Shockingly apt descriptions. Recognize many if not all the effects and can admit them to myself. But to admit them to others, feels dangerous or like an act of betrayal. In my 50s now and it took this long to start really grasping the enormity of what happened. But looking back, the earliest warning signs appeared decades earlier, even as a young child.
I lived in my grandparent's house for around 14 years. My parents just abandoned and left me there, and my grandparents saw me as a burden as well. I remember when I was in elementary school, once I got terrible diarrhea, and I was feeling horrible sitting in the restroom, and my grandmom just came in and said ' This is God punishing you.' That's how I was treated as a sick child. I also remember I asked my grandparents why they never cook good food for me, but always prepared so much cuisine when my aunt visited, they answered' Your mom did not pay us, you don't have the right to ask for anything.' I also could not invite friends over to play with cause they think kids are too loud and noisy. Sigh...
The part I enjoyed listening to was in regards to PTSD and the future. I never think about the future, I just live day to day. I have always thought that way. I do not understand how others can even plan their future as that type of thinking is alien to me. Very interesting, I am going to ponder more on that.
Actually I think it is different from this a bit, at least it is for me. When I was 8, back in 1968, and we were learning mathematics, one of the kids in the class realized that we would all be 40 years old in the year 2000. Now in 1968, for an 8 year old 2001 seemed like centuries away (I think the movie 2001 was out and it had long distance space travel and sentient computers) but even then 40 really didn't seem that old as we had lots of teachers and parents around that age. But I can remember thinking and probably saying "oh, I'll never make it to 40, I'm only going to live until 24 or 25. I felt that right up until I was 25. Actually I'm now 59 and I still feel that way: somehow I'm living an anomoly of sorts. My mother was perhaps a narcissist or borderline disorder, but my father was pretty well adjusted. I used to say that if she married anyone else, she would have destroyed him or he would have destroyed her, but my father was like a cat walking on a narrow balance beam.
@@kaneinkansas You just described your father as co-dependent. No one healthy can or would walk such a tight line.
Parrotshootist define codependent.
@@kaneinkansas Walking a fine line between others needs. Neglecting themselves, just by being with, or, and holding a narc as important to themselves, literally the defination of self abandonment, because of what narcs are. Maybe I'm off and need calibration or ... that fits co-dependent.
Parrotshootist well then I miscommunicated. He didn’t walk a fine line. He walked his own line. He had extremely good judgement, was extremely decent. She just didn’t get to him. When she acted out to much they would eventually have a relatively short but strong argument then he would quit talking to her for the rest of his anger over a situation. The silence bothered my mom and I suppose she knew she’d gone to far. At that point he had an obvious post of power over her. But he didn’t abuse that power. He gave her room to right herself and find her sense of dignity. Eventually she throttled back and righted her self. He never gave an inch and he never took an inch. That’s what I meant. He had a sense of fairness that seemed extremely well balanced and yet was tolerant. He was an amazing man. Anyone else would have either been crushed by her or would have retaliated and crushed her or more likely just left her. He wasn’t perfect but he was remarkable. He saved her. At the end of his life he suffered terribly from dementia and that is where and when she paid him back. She was there when he needed her and his behavior became absurd. Life is a whole story.
How can I keep from repeating history with my own child?
Therapy!!!!
Totally enjoyed your video. I started my journey at age 62. I read everything I could get my hands on and lot and lots of prayer
Two therapist (woman). Both ended saying "Mary, you don't really believe your mother would"? What ever we were talking about. Was put on meds for depression, etc etc.
Now I Know what was going on. Was no contact for 17 years.
Mistake, I reconnected. I thought we could talk like adults. Never happened. Its true They Get Worse. Now no contact going on 5 years.
I realize there was damage done. About 80% of what you said is spot on for me.
Hopes and dreams, I got nothing.
I have no clue about my future. I have a decent income, I own my own home. That's it, that's all there is for me. And I'm okay with that.
I don't want to take the time to "correct" myself. For what? No really for what? I'm not a bad person, I show kindness to people I'm around. Which are the people where I shop for food, gas and people that help me with my cell phone, o my dentist. That's apretty much it. I'm nice to my neighbor's
.That's all I need to do.
I really don't expect you to respond, I understand you're a pretty busy man.
Married for 40 years no children
Not complaing, just explaining
Thanks for your post. I am 58 and just beginning my recovery.
Was the scapegoat of a narcissistic mother and older sister. Egg shells with my Mother as most people have to be this way around her but it used to be me mostly. Malignant narcissistic older sister, so imagine the healthy female relationships and close intimate relationships I've had or haven't had. They tend to abandon and ignore especially when you figure them out. I think you've described this best and the type of people we attract if we don't get help and fix this problem.
TYSM for these videos. I just ordered your book. At 50, I'm still trying to heal from and fully understand the parenting I had. I hope there are workbook-type exercises in the book, and if they're not, I hope you'll write a workbook. I hope you will encourage psychologists and therapists to name this kind of parenting, bc I've had many helpful and competent therapists since I was in college, but so many of them would say, "Well, I don't find it helpful to label people". It would have been very helpful for me to have had a name for my mother's abuse, and maybe I would not have wasted so much time and energy had I known these terms and that she is an abusive narcissist.
I experienced this first hand. What frustrates me is that I'm the one who has to pay hundreds and possibly thousands of dollars for therapy for something that was done to me by others. But what frustrates me even more is that there isn't really a 'cure' for this. Putting aside the fact that most therapist are clueless when it comes to issues of narcissistic abuse or narcissism itself, they are more than happy to take your money and promise results because they are merchants of snake-oil. The world is a fucked up place because it is run by fucked up people. Some day I'll probably put a gun in my mouth and nobody will care because the only people who really understand this are the ones who have lived it - and none of them will ever go to university and acquire degrees - so there will always be this vast disconnect between those offering relief and those who are suffering. Some things can't be fixed, and I know what I'm talking about.
Your post touched me. I wish I could say words of encouragement, but I have just recently had my awaking.
Thank you!
wm17959, I do totally agree, but that is why those of us who can see "the matrix" for what it is are needed more than ever to fight the good fight!!! Please don't go! We need you on our team!!
That is interesting that you are willing to admit that there is no cure for this. I haven't heard anyone say that yet not one clinical psychologist or psychiatrist ever anywhere admit there's no cure for this. I don't believe there's a cure for sociopathy , psycho path or empath all you can do is treat it. it's a treatable condition and that's that. Taking your own life is not the answer, please don't do that. I am an empath and I'm supposed to dis like you, but your admission gripped me. I thank you
You create your own reality, my friend. You can surely go ahead and off yourself if you want, but I wouldn't recommend that. If you want to be hopeless and sad then that's your choice. I choose to be positive and innovative in my situation and I have proven to myself that it pays off.
Explosive completely describes my mother. I'm 56 and now trying to stop randomly saying "I'm sorry" "I'm stupid" "I'm useless". It's so ingrained.
Thank you! My mother was an extreme narcissist. What a long journey to recovery. This helps.
This video is very helpful. It is really nice to find people who truly understand the disorder at this level. You've certainly pinpointed the common effects. Your accuracy is right on point. I would really like information as to how to overcome these effects.
Eric James me too!
What a godsend
Extraordinarily helpful and has named experiences that I have needed support and understanding around
Thank you so much
Your naming the effect of not seeing a future was especially powerful and liberating
I am grateful
Thank you for posting so many helpful videos. You are helping me unravel my issues with the NPD in my life. While I'll admit skepticism at first regarding the phenomenon, now I realize how true it is, and how serious the damage to its victims. I have an insidious covert NPD in my life, someone who is totally unaware of how toxic they are, and actually believes they are trying to "help" everyone, with the oft used phrase "I'm worried about you." Your video regarding the three E's helped, and while we all need to be cautious to not to go around diagnosing people, this has been a long journey for me to identify what is so "off" about this person and why everything feels so wrong from what it appears and why I have struggled so much with depression, social anxiety, hopelessness, and wanting to hide away from everyone. In many ways my NPD parent robbed me of a normal life.
I learned so much about myself, some of these traits made me cry...Im healing , it's a long road! Thank you!
Dr. Malkin ~ this video just put into an order all the thoughts that had been floating around in my head but I was unable to piece them together. I know from experience that facing the truth about our parents and experiences as a child is one of the hardest things to do in life. I'm 58 ~ and only now am I able to fully face and comprehend the enormity of the effect my childhood (narcissistic abusive parenting) has had on my own life, even after a lot of self awareness work and therapy. Thank you for your videos ~ I am still healing ~ still learning ~ still growing and always will be ... but I really like and truly value who I am now.
Yes-It all resonates with me. After being raised by an extremely narcissistic mother, I went on to marry a violently abusive narcissistic partner. I've worked with several counselors over the years, both during my marriage and following my divorce. Still, I feel I have not had many positive relationships in my 50 years of life even though I have several longstanding and supportive friends.
Strangely, my professional life has been in complete contrast to my personal. I have a private practice as an SLP and feel very positive and competent about the work I do, even expanding my services to the area of consulting for First Nations schools. (Perhaps, I am able to feel ownership over my professional life because it is so far removed from my childhood and marriage experiences?)
I sometimes wonder if the fact that I was adopted, after spending the first year of life in a "receiving home" (institution) has compounded my difficulty in feeling personally bonded to people. I fluctuate between feeling very hopeful about the possibility of a healthy, loving relationship in my future, and having a sense of resolve (bordering despair at times) that-no-this can never be a reality for me.
Christina Perry is an indigo
Josephine Elizabeth Romeo What is an "indigo" as you are using the term? I shall look it up, but am curious to know what you mean.
Christina Perry an indigo as i understand it is a metaphsyical term identifying your generation. i am an indigo too, born in the early '70's. there are supposed to be certain characteistics that go along with this group, like having unusual insight into others.
Whoooa! Now that hit close to home. Thank you for this video. I am currently dealing with issues with my aging narcissistic parents, and with them currently living in my house, it has brought to the forefront a lot of issues I have been dealing with for years, giving me another chance to work through another layer. (My counselor is thrilled. Me...well, let's just say I will be when it's over and I feel better.) In a place of vulnerability from a several life stresses, including recovery from Disseminated Lyme Disease, I allowed them into my life again and then into my house as they seemed to have changed. As I got stronger physically, the honeymoon behavior evaporated, and the downside of the cycle came around. Thus, I recently asked them to find their own place, so the already escalating N behavior dynamic has shifted into overdrive. I have been getting swamped by this dynamic, back in the child place of thinking it is somehow due to my deficiency. Listening to you describe me on the video (except that I did not become a N, thank God) helped me center again on truth instead of passive aggressive lies and manipulation. THANKS.
ChiefJosephFan I have the same. My narcissistic mother is ageing and needs increasing amounts of care and support. Providing that care is a very difficult and confusing experience.
Are they Baby Boomer parents by any chance? If so, you have my sympathies as they are the worst
Never considered this, but as a generational problem it makes a lot of sense. I have recognized a large societal divide between how Boomer parents seem to have replicated the way previous generations raised their children, (extremely controlling "owners") and the way Boomers made huge changes in the way they raised their own children.
my mother always told me this when we had an argument:...as soon as I was starting to try make my point, she would shut me up with this line: I KNOW WHAT YOU THINK AND IT'S WRONG
This is so eye opening the oldest of five narc mother to this day I hate being the center of attention although I tend to draw attention its weird people assume I would want the focus on me most times it's extremely uncomfortable and foreign to me
Wow - you have nailed it Dr. Malkin! I was recently diagnosed by a trauma-based Therapist as an HSP. Being the "Invisible/Lost Child" of an alcoholic home (both parents: Stepfather is on the BPD spectrum with Narcissitic and Histronic expression, Mother is severely Co-Dependent), I was also diagnosed with PTSD (no surprise there). So many items you have covered have really resonated with me. I'm going to upload your book on my Kindle asap. Thank you so much for all you are doing.
I spent the weekend writing a blog about this. Thanks for this, it's like the universe is rewarding me.
My pleasure. I'm delighted it came at such a good time
Thank you Dr Malkin. For ages, I have felt so bad and couldn't understand why. You have helped me see that I am not crazy or alone in dealing with narcissistic parents
"Rather be a hammer than a nail"- If a person feels that way, can they be called narcissistic?
Yes
Yep! Helpful. Although mom wasn't a narcissist, she became increasingly self-absorbed bc she had.suffered numerous super-traumatic experiences before I was born and when I was 6. Early on, I took on the role of being her sunshine, always thinking her before myself, and keeping her from suicide.
My grand daughters have come to stay with me for a couple of months and it clarified what was going on in their lives at home with my daughter and her husband.The oldest daughter was constantly saying..Nobody loves me..Nobody cares ..She constantly heard this from her mom who frequently has anger issues (typical narcissitic behaviour) and feeling sorry for herself.I would frequently catch my grand daughter talking to herself as though she was speaking to an invisible person saying the same things...It really bothered me.to hear her say things things because I realized she must have been thinking these things about herself.I tried to encourage her to be more positive about herself but would always have a temper tantrum at least once a day ..screaming at the top of her lungs with no rationale using one excuse or another why she was screaming..Always blaming others for her tantrum.Then somewhere in the tantrum when she was faced with the real reason why she had the tantrum , she would cry out NANA , I NEED YOU..I found this her cry for help...But also he need to be liked and loved ..But how can we as outsiders help these children of 2 and 4 years old see their worth and show them they are loved
are u serious marie? didnt u read that her daughter is narcissistic?
Marie Mayeur she can't change her daughter. She wants to know how to be a positive influence on her grandchildren. I think this is a valid question.
My grandaughter is 16 now and her mother is driving her nuts. Married to man moved in a woman lover omg i never knew she is so sick in the head
His name is Jesus.
I was an echo person most of my life. Most recently, I had to in order to be my mom's caregiver in her old age. I was not allowed to have any opinions of my own or she would become very angry and critical of me. So I just agreed with everything and echoed back her words no matter how much I disagreed and could not relate morally or emotionally. I am so glad to be able to express my own feelings and opinions now without someone lashing out. My mom saw me as an extension of one aspect of herself and also strangely and at the end as the family scapegoat. Now that I can look at it I am able to heal and be grateful to just lead my own life.
The hardest part of my narcissistic upbringing was mainly neglect. The other traits were mostly there but simply being ignored or made to feel one's feelings and emotions were without value was the saddest part of childhood. The issue of not being able to foresee a future was certainly relevant. I'm 62 now and I've survived to be a healthy caring adult. Love is the golden rule.
Thank you for this very well presented information. I see my siblings and I playing out different parts among these symptoms. One point I found particularly intriguing to me today was at the end, a symptom of prolonged abuse: the inability to see ones future. I couldn't see my life beyond college when I was younger. It was like driving off a sheer cliff where the road abruptly ended into a dark void in my mind. I became depressed, suicidal, after college. Thankfully friends came through for me when my family failed. Decades later, I'm doing a lot better but I still don't really have any long term goals like I did before.
People rarely mention the foreshortened sense of future when speaking of PTSD but my clients find it so helpful in making sense of their experience I always describe it. It only makes sense: if the future can't be counted on because of constant fear and need to manage (if possible) safety in the present, why bother imagining a future at all? There's just no bandwidth left for it.
But once you begin to heal, the future becomes a place of possibility and imagination again.
Dr. Craig Malkin Yes, you are the first person I've ever heard mention this foreshortened sense of future, much less connect it with abuse. It does make sense, being preoccupied with security upon realizing there's no safety net only after a fall.
+Dr. Craig Malkin Exactly. This really happens.
Tarraccas Obremski I always thought I was going to tragically die as a child. I just didn't think I was going to live for long but I didn't know why.
dutchkel Do you now know why?
This is my life. I am 8 for 8. I was the Golden Child for the first 8 years and then became the family scapegoat. It took me forty years to find out the truth. I finally know the answers, but I still don't know why. I don't think my father was always this way. Can a good person become a Malignant Narcissist over time.
More then likely he had another supply/scapegoat while you were the golden child. But when that supply left, you were the option presented.
My mother is a Narc, and my dad killed himself 2 1/2 years ago. I believe he was raised by a narc and was very empathetic, as am I. She’s now 71 and I am just learning there’s nothing I can do to make her see anyone else’s point of view. Thanks for the videos. They are truly enlightening.
Omg! This explains everything about me and my life! Thank you so much I can't believe I've gone so long without finding your channel before
16:12 And the reliving of that, how often it occurs, can be exacerbated by certain disorders like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which is now very common and which will make the thought repeat much more.
Awaiting for arrival of your book. Thanks for the hard work and helping others.
The only way I can deal with my narc. abused husband..is to keep being totally honest about how he was abused..as he is so stuck !!
All the response I get is a dull gaze..n twitching of his eyes n fingers..when I know Im touching a sensitive area.
Thereafter tho. he is more attentive n loving towards me.
I can only share my heart n struggles from my Narc. Dad too ¡¿
He has finally..listened to one counselling session on utube...as I am worn out now..n its make or break time.
Thankyou Dr. you make valid statements and are a great help.
Great video! Thanks! I'm looking forward to your video about coping. It's overwhelming to see yourself in so many of those attributes. It would be so reassuring to have a vision of what successful coping and successful treatment looks like.
Geeze, I'm a classic case right out of the book! Mom is a bi-polar alcoholic, very abusive physically and mentally. I've been in/out of therapy since I left home at 16. I'm also a highly sensitive person, but now I'm at the "fiercely independent" stage. I must say, life is good for me right now as I'm approaching 50 years on this earth, and I'd like to keep it that way! I do have a lot to look forward to, especially since I'm spending the holidays with friends! And thanks Doc for your enlightening video. I just need to be aware of my needs (what are they exactly, I'm not sure), but I need to keep saying NO when necessary and maintain my boundaries. I'm figuring it out as I go, and these videos help! I'm looking forward to your video on coping. I will also look for the book on Amazon. Thanks again!!
Thank you so much, Dr. Malkin. Your videos have been incredibly insightful in helping me understand and cope with the nature of the narcissistic relationships in my life. There is a definite shortage of reliable academic information on Narcissism and the lifelong damage caused by the people who have this disorder, so it's wonderful to have videos like this.
I'm listening to this and re-listening over and over! This is the most helpful video yet, for me. Some recovery I've stumbled across, by chance (as far as I can tell) over the years, but it's nice to understand (at age 65) how the harm was done and how some of it has been mitigated. And to see ways to keep recovering. Thank you so much, Dr. M!
Thank you Dr. Malkin. This hits home very strongly & I've experienced all 8 of these effects to varying degrees at different times. Been dealing with this for a long time.
Amazing videos, thank you so much. Found you on the net by accident whilst researching narcissistic parenting and I don't think I'm overstating it when I say you've changed my life! I can totally relate to the first 6 points you've listed in the video. I've ordered your book and am eagerly waiting for it to arrive 😊. Can't wait for further research and videos from you. Wishing you the very best, and thank you again.
Thank you so much. I have been researching Narcissism because I suspected both my parents are narcissists although they are different types. Your information has saved my sanity. Echoism has explained so much I couldn't understand about my patterns of behavior. Thank you a thousand times for this info
I had a traumatized (war) NPD father, and my sister, being fairly aggressive, took her abuse and then became narcissist herself. It's taken me most of my life to realize the damage to me, a repeat of the abuse from my father. My sister is "charming" but cunning: all the abuse is of course behind closed doors. I'm the Echo, just like my sweet mother, who was eventually institutionalized (crazy) because the abuse cracked her. I'm learning (through my dreams too) that my sister and I have been repeating this abusive dynamic. I've had it - was horrified, and then enraged when I started to put the pieces together, watching and learning about Narc Abuse. Am now independent again, gaining strength and healing, and I really want to keep my distance from this sister, who is not good for me (Grey Rock method). Trouble is, we have other family members and several very good lifelong friends in common, groomed to see my sister as the ever-suffering "head of the family" martyr, helping them all... etc. Therefore, I cannot challenge the propaganda, without seeming like "the problem," as ungrateful, unfair, hurtful to her etc. I know I am actively and consciously "unmeshing" from this toxic bond of many years. This entire awakening has made me realize how much I ignored (through training and grooming) and dishonored my noble instincts, which said that something is really wrong. So much "need" has been met by sister on the physical plane, to justify the emotional abuse. What can I do to protect the good common friendships that I have in common - I cannot speak the truth about this as I am then seen as the problem. Same seems to be happening with some other members of my own family, a few who are really lovely people, under the same spell. I've come to a point where I realize that I cannot afford any further abuse from this sister (no contact - and I really want this, as my life is so much more mine, and relaxed.) I may lose these friendships and connections.....I've decided that this is truly the lesser of two evils, as to hold onto them in the same pattern from the past is soul-suicide. Any suggestions on how to handle holding my own, while possibly trying to protect relationships this sister is also in the middle of. She needs to be centre.... to know what's going on, to triangulate... it's so sick! I feel bad for this sister, but at this point am repulsed and so angry at the many years lost to this puppet-string holder. I have been so positively effected by your book and your videos. I like your warmth, honesty, and straight-shooting knowledge. There is such a strong resonance with SO many things you have written about....text book narcissism from my sister. It is so freeing! But is there any way to protect these other connected relationships, without being "blacklisted" after no contact, and no compliance with my sister's wiles and ways. I would appreciate any feedback on this issue. I know i"m better alone than in bad company....but to lose good friendships because of how she might frame my withdrawal from her is sad and alarming....strikes at the abandonment issues for sure. Please respond in a video if you can. Also, thank you for your good work.....made my life make more sense (finally understood the cognitive dissonance). Makes "growth" and "hope" noble once again!
My husband has done the same thing. He looks like the best person and my church has no idea why i don't "try and work it out" with him. He is coming up to the front and crying in church. He is so helpful when they need volunteers. He told them I was crazy and that didn't throw up any red flags for them. But they are "concerned" for me because I stopped coming to church. I love my Jesus more then anything, but I will give up my connections there to be free of the abuse. Sometimes the flying monkeys who were your best friends, don't even understand. Why? Because they have never experienced it and they can imagine such a "nice person" having a personality problem. It doesn't present to them because they are not the scapegoat. 23 years of hell is enough for me. I am wide awake and can't unsee the truth.
I did the *calm voice* "OMG 😱 what is wrong with you... WTF... what's... are you okay?" type of thing at mum when she went from 0 to 100 in 10 seconds as she screeched total projection of all the things she had done, just because I said half a sentence about how I don't like it that she gets agitated 95% of the time that I talk about how I feel, and shuts me down immediately even when it isn't directed at her.
I thought of adding into my reaction that maybe she should see a psychologist :o but I stopped myself because it seemed too blatantly manipulative and I don't want to be like her.
Technically, she was acting quite WTF, because she lost her mind very fast for no goddamn reason, and it caused me to remember how, when I was a kid, she would work herself up as she yelled about something I'd actually done and I'd try not to laugh as she climbed in energy, I'd stand there for ten minutes waiting it out. Then finally she would work all the way up to fever pitch and suddenly lose control and smack me say 4 or 5x in a row. Idk if the hitting part happened once or more.
I'm hyperaware of narcissism in myself and everyone around me. I comfort myself that at least I have insight into myself, and I'm able to choose healthier ways of meeting my needs.
Obviously I have a conscience or I wouldn't be confessing on RUclips something that was manipulative but probably within my right to do anyway.
Thank you. For the first time I feel someone understands what I've struggled with since I was a small child. I appreciate your work & look forward to more. I have liked & subscribed. Finally some clarity. I should like to check your book to.
Hi Dr. Marc :)) thank you so much for these videos. I just separated with a narcissistic boyfriend and it's been so suffering! Your videos help me relate my pain to my childhood, for the first time I réalisé my mom was a narcissic, even after so many years of therapy I just realized that! It gives so much sense to all that story and to my pain! THANKYOU!!!
Such a compassionate insightful view on something and so explanatory over the first 46 years that led to the pain I'm in tonight
Your work is immeasurably helpful; I feel deep respect and gratitude. Thank you.
This hit home so deeply - I recognized myself in several of the 8 areas. I’ve sadly been married to a narcissist for 20yrs, and I’ve just recently realized that it isn’t just me being crazy or wrong, there really is something wrong with him. Saying that gives me the very uncomfortable experience of several of your points -> not wanting to bring attention to myself or look in any way like a narcissist or admit needing any help or risk being wrong/risk criticism .... Wow. Thank you for this amazing insight. It will help me untangle.
That was very helpful. I see a lot of that in myself as well. Most videos focus on the narcissist so it is refreshing to hear about the effects on the child. Seeing the future. I struggle really hard with that. I can't see any at all following a life crisis. I've been through a lot of therapy and it hasn't touched on a lot of this. Lots of light bulb moments. Thank you.
My jaw dropped when I heard you talk about echoism. As I continue to devour these videos, hopefully I will find my voice truly and be able to assist others in their healing journey as well. Thank you for taking the time and the effort to deliver this lifesaving information, Dr. Malkin.
Very well put. THANK you. My concern is for my grandkids of my apparently narc daughter. She alienated the children & myself (grandma) for 4 years. A few weeks ago she asked to come back into my life. It's a VERY tricky situation & my total focus is being able to continue seeing the kids. We love & miss each other. I have been blessed with a FANTASTIC therapist who is an expert with ALL of this who is a guiding light. SO grateful for his insights & support. But here it is 3:15 a.m. & insomnia is back again. Thanks again for your video, it is most interesting & comforting.
Dr Malkin... Thank you so much. Yours is the best info I've come across on this subject.
:)
Yes...I found with therapy from being abused by both parents ...they acknowledging that and paying for my therapy ..but refused to have hardly any therapy with me to heal it more. I was one of the "scape goat" child among the 5 of us kids, I had a middle brother both parents abused unfairly. We the two of us would come together In recognition of our being abused and the only two in therapy out of 5 kids. This really helped me in re-evaluatingmyself. My PTSD is in inability to sleep 8 hours straight. Almost impossible to do. But I can in my older age sleep anytime of the day if given opportunity. I do not have nightmares anymore. But do get into PTSD ( increased Heart rate..dizzy and dry mouth/ out if breath/ very thirsty then/ very tired after word .).when others are arguing and or yelling. I remove myself from situation as quick as possible/ be quiet and lay down. Learned breathing techniques for the conscious PTSD. Working well.
Really insightful. I've been experiencing most of the effects you describe so well. Echoing, Parentification, Numbness, Avoidance are some of the effects I've been coping all my life and now that I've been fortunate enough of going No Contact for almost an year I am progressively feeling better and although I find myself angry against my N mother, I am getting better at remembering and learning from the harrowing childhood episodes I tried to forget.
10:32 “if I love them enough, then they’ll love me”. This was my MO along with disassociation. I had a mentor say”you’re not all the way in your body and you hope that if you love then enough they’ll love you back”. She said that in front of the class and they all gasped. I’ve never anyone say this quote before as you have in this video. I’m really appreciation your explanation because it helps me see where I am on the spectrum of abuse and how much I should take seriously what I’m feeling. Also your voice is soothing, I’m watching before bed and I keep nodding off.
you are so spot on it is amazing! I can attest you are absolutely correct on all points...I know from exact experience! thank you for validating my mostly lonely experience so far!
Nice video. Brings up a lot of good points. Thanks.
Thank you so much for covering these topics. Through your videos and those posted by other professionals I have come to understand my feelings and experiences better. It has also helped me realize I might not know what a healthy parental (or significant other) relationship looks like and maybe that should be my next topic of exploration.