How the secure attacher responds to the dismissive avoidants deactivating strategies
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- Опубликовано: 10 сен 2024
- In this video, Coach Courtney Gatlin talks about how the secure attacher responds to the dismissive avoidants deactivating strategies.
#DISMISSIVEAVOIDANT #SECUREATTACHMENT #COACHCOURT
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Nice one, Coach. ;)
One thing I need to add... For DAs, with a secure partner - You might be stubborn, but we're more stubborn!
You're in our lives because we WANT you there, not because we NEED you there and that's why we fight for you.
You keep trying, and we'll help you with that.
But we know our limits.
There's a saying "Be careful how far you push us; we might prefer it there!"
Wow. What a valuable valuable statement! Thank you. I'm sure there are DA's that will find this helpful!
@@IamCoachCourt I hope so. DAs were not given the right kind of love as small children. That doesn't mean they don't deserve it any less as adults. Its just harder for them to ask for it. You can reach the same destination with small steps as well as big ones - it just takes longer. But its an easier journey with someone to show you the way.
Absolutely!
@@airbubble. completely agree. If they need space, don't mistake your need for connection for their need. If they need connection, don't mistake your need for space for their need.
Well same here...im an SA and my DA gf is in my life bcuz i WANT her to be, not bcuz i NEED her to be !!!!....it goes both ways...what you fail to realize is that being a DA doesnt give you the right or justification to treat ppl in horrible ways...being a DA is not an excuse...im sorry you had childhood trauma but at the end of the day we are all adults and as adults we know right from wrong, bcuz you have fear of dealing with certain emotions doesnt mean you go out n cheat on that person that loves you dearly...you , DA, knows that type of behavior is hurtful harmful, and deceptive....😊
As a secure attacher it starts getting draining providing constant reassurance and support for DA's to only get breadcrumbs in return.
There's giving someone space and then there is a person not communicating for one to two weeks. That doesn't feel good no matter how secure you are. I prefer to have a real connection with someone that wants me in their life, not going MIA for extended periods of time.
Once again, great content! I have a secure attachment style and my ex was a DA. I can honestly say i will never date another DA. That was one of the most stressful relationships ever. I understand that people go through things in childhood but until they seek therapy they should really stop dating. They tend to hurt people who were raised with healthy attachment styles.
Thanks for commenting!
Agreed. I was secure until I dated a DA and then became anxious. Never....ever again.
That's so true
It really messes with your mind to have someone attach to you, then react in the ways DAs push away. I experienced it pretty severely this past relationship, and have a client who just went through a break up with a person leaning severely DA/FA. it confirmed to me how much it messes with our brains and our human understanding of connection. I understand they are hurting and confused, too, and I have compassion for them. I see a lot of people who love DAs and want to see them better, but the behavior they give to their partners is unacceptable. Especially when they don’t see a need to change. At that point, I agree with you. I would rather be left alone than go through a beautiful 6-8 months only to crash and burn and suddenly be the worst thing in the world to someone who was just a moment ago telling me how precious I was to them. Save me the heart ache- get your therapy, DAs.
I suppose I want to also add, not from frustration, the well meaning DAs, I get that they’re in a trauma response when they push away and perhaps they don’t realize or anticipate doing this to their partner because they haven’t done the work. I think it’s important for them to realize the impact of choosing to not do their work on healing their attachment style. It’s one thing to know this is how you respond to intimacy and love, and choose to allow yourself to crash and burn relationships, and another thing to not have awareness around your intimacy with trauma, and are surprised to see yourself acting that way. In that case, the person has a responsibility to communicating this with their partner should they have enough awareness to recognize that they love this person, are struggling with love and reactionary responses, and need help.
I was secure and the DA messed me up. I think it depends on where both people are on the spectrum. The DA made me feel like I was crazy. I had to cut it off, that's entirely too much work just to be with someone. We really oughta to be encouraging anyone with an insecure attachment style to seek therapy vs how to handle them. It's just too much. I'm sorry.
Do you mind telling a bit what the DA did to drive you crazy? I'm a DA myself, don't know exactly on the scale, and I wonder what we do that is unexceptable for a normal, securely attached person. It's not a joke..i really mean it. I would like to know since i can't tell how serious it is with me...i know for myself i value freedom very highly, but i don't like to and i rarely let people down.
@@lejci38 Hey... I know it looks like it offended you to what it said, I am with my DA bf now and I had a good and amazing relationship with him though he doesn't say what is his mind sometimes I respect his boundaries, u know what? He is vulnerable to me. I value him until I broke his trust for a private reason and he is so upset to the point he deactivated and stonewalling to me since June. You as DA can I ask if you don't mind? Is it possible to gain my trust in a DA person? We're already 5 years in a relationship. I am SA but become anxious because of how he treated me. But now I do my best to become SA again, giving him space and I am focusing on myself in a positive way.
@@lejci38 , in my opinion, all DA are Vulnerable but of course, they must see that vulnerable to themselves too. And must try to express their emotion than to suppress it.
@@tintinpenaredondo6531 Hi, Cristnil! no, no...I really ment it. I mean this for example....does your partner "just" don't let you too close, doesn't spend enought time with you and is not too romantic and expressive with feelings or these men also let you down in a way of not calling when it was expected, not showing up when a date was planed...etc. I'm asking cause I think we have quite a strong feeling of having to keep our word and keeping our promise no matter what (that is why we don't give it too often, cause we just can't promise a lot, things might happen to prevent us...;)...but when we do, we show up even half dead. And when you mention your bf and him not saying what is in his mind...uf, no, that I don't either...it's cause we were betrayed too often by our parents, who inquired about our feeings, about what we thought about this and that to get info to then use it against us...so we don't tell and discuss it in general..we consider it private. I suppose it is strange to normal people, but when your boundaries have been trampled over and over...this happens. We don't even feel fear or mistrust ..well at least me, I just feel annoyed and put up a wall. About your question about trust and your DA...I think it depends on what happened..if it was a one time thing and you had a good reason and you can explain it to him, I think it is possible to regain the trust. Of course he is voulnerable, the closer you are to him, the more voulnerable he is...and some soft spots are extremely painful. For me...If it's not one big thing, but small things over and over... I don't deactivate immediately, I wait and observe the person, I think about it, even judge myself for it and I tell them about my concerns, explain, but if they continue to push my buttons, I will close more and more and in time completely and in the end cut them off. At this point I have probably already grieved about the loss even before it was clearly over. If the deed of my partner was really really hard core (like some intentional narcissistic sadism for example) I have some kind of inner nuclear explosion and even if I still love them deep down and I feel sorrow, sadness and loss, I kind of freeze and can cut them off without ever speaking to them, but I don.t think this is the case with you. Your act must have remembered him panfuly of something that happened, some big hurt, betrayal of his trust by his beloved....parent, ex partner...but if you don't repeat it and tell him you understand him and not excuse your act no matter how reasonable you think it was, I think it can be healed. Why we don't express much our feelings....try to imagine that every time you expressed your hurt , sadness, negative feelings of any sort, your parent (most probably it was them) continued hurting you or did it even more, cause they knew now, where to "hit" you...they didn't stop doing hurtfull thing, they did it even more. And when you were happy, they wanted to know why you were happy and they in some way destroyed your happiness with some remark, some nasty words or acts, some emotional blackmail (how can you be happy when you know your mum is in bad mood, you are so selfish...bla bla bla)..etc..etc It f....s you up. And good for you to concentrate on yourself and are happy...wish you a good recovery and hope it turns out well with him!
@@lejci38 I really appreciated your replied. I did once only my mistakes towards him but I think I made him sad and cried. But I felt so sorry and I apologized with my heart and telling that i will not do it again just to regain his trust. Now I understand why he didn't tell or express what in his mind. Just recently discover about the attachment style and when I think about our relationship for more than 4 years as LDR, and when analyse his behavior towards me and to my relationship I can say he is DA and I am AA/FA. We had a lot of nice memory and he did share his past and feeling to me. But he seldom to connect to his parent everytime were far from their place and I ask him to inform to his parents so that they will not going to worried... He doesn't want.... Even to any permission or decision he doesn't want to tell or ask. Now I understood. Everything clear now. And if He will give me another change I become more understanding to him. Recently I made a message for him that I will give him space because I noticed that he deactivating towards me or if that is ghosting or what. As of now I am focusing to myself... Exercise, hiking, go out with my friends, self-soothe and planning to write my book title: My Core Wound and Fear of Abandoned.
For a secure you slowly begin to realise that the relationship is not reciprocated (emotionally/physically) The DA begins to think that you’re going “crazy” or you’re codependent for only wanting to connect and be a team. Us securely attached just aren’t an energetic match for a DAs abnormal patterns. If they aren’t meeting you halfway or taking your mental and emotional well-being into account GET OUT OF THIS KINDA RELATIONSHIP! ❤
😂😂😂 your not secure pal. You probably are indeed a codependent
Ummmmm…no. Secure people as even per comments below leave for healthier relationships. It’s part of what makes them secure
Yup it is boring as hell dealing with the games , pushing and the victim bs.
Grow up.
I understand what you saying but when you have a secure attachment and dealing with an dismissive avoidant you are missing out on true intimacy because it is very difficult to have that with this type of attachment style . No one should have to walk on eggshells out of fear of triggering somebody’s anxiety. Some people shouldn’t be in relationships period.
Rose Phillips That’s true Rose. Thank you for commenting
Rose Phillips I completely agree. I’m anxious but leaning more towards secure after therapy and working on myself. It was the most confusing anxiety provoking situation. Mine was extremely avoidant. Never again. At least I know the signs now, I’d never seen anything like it.
Correct just avoid ANY relationship with a Dismissal Avoidant..No one has time, to figure out their NONSENSE, Mental hang ups/games and selfishness...Life is too short...For anyone, to walk on egg shells trying to figure them out..Leave them alone, leave them to their own devices....Let them figure themselves out....Let them find their NEW Supply to toy with, to look for presents/gifts and play yo/yo games...Leave those DAMAGED attachments alone, before they use you, before they damage you..
@@Sp-ck5es thank you for your advise, I m agree with
secured people will have the courage to walk away
Dismiss the avoidant 😂😂😂👍
They exist on levels of intensity too; one might be a 5 and another a 9. My heart goes out to them because they are their own worst enemy… I understand giving space but at what point is it not space but just being abandoned little by little… Only for them to not be there for someone when they need them most. At the lower levels it might be very manageable but at higher levels it’s less of a relationship and more of a one-sided situation that’s completely on their terms. What I don’t understand is how someone can spend so many hours fretting, being anxious and avoiding and allowing their frustration and inability to connect with emotions steal literally hours each day of their life by compulsive venting and complaining and apprehension and yet not spend one single hour in therapy or working on themselves so that they could feel more satisfied in life and not live with so much guilt and unhappiness. I guess there’s a certain point that everybody has to find for themselves to where the situation is manageable or just completely unacceptable for their mental health. One things for sure the on and off cycle and inconsistent attention wrecks havoc on the partners brain ending up hooking them a lot like heroin does through chemical dependence of dopamine… when that happens you know it’s at an unhealthy level the best thing to do in that situation is go through the withdrawals and get over it… again my heart really goes out to them and I wish there was like a magic pill for them to become more centered and secure but I myself would never date one again it’s just extremely too painful to care about somebody in that way and have them distance themselves from you if for no other apparent reason than the fact that you care about them so much..
SA here. I was with a DA for a while and hadn't not even been aware any of this attachment style. Inside I knew something was off with her. Now I know and realize that she didn't even know she was a DA. She knew all the right things to express her DA behavior and when she deactivated I took it very personal. I agreed with her and told her OK. As she keep circling, I wasn't sure why and found it a bit creepy. I took it as reaching out. I knew she is my soul mate, we are very compatible. So yes the RIGHT ONE is worth fighting for. I say this because, she pushed herself a lot, like a lot for me. I can't even imagine how unsafe she felt, but her love for me was so great and she did say “trust me" and I should "trust her".
Is your DA working on herself?
@@roselandpetals I don’t know 🤷🏿♂️
Any updates?
I’m a secure and have managed to work it out with my DA, who happens to be an ISFJ on the Myers-Briggs test. So he is generous, caring, solid and committed. He isn’t as physically warm as I’d like. That’s what needs work.
I’m pretty sure I have disorganized attachment so I get both sides the avoidant & anxious. But even a lot of the avoidant’s actions drive me crazy. Makes me want to cut things off and never look back.
We don’t need relationships to survive, but we do need them to thrive (healthy ones that is)
Hashtag healthy ones
I know how to handle both attachments but I don't want to.. It's too much work for no good reason.. If I wanted to be a therapist, I would've been.. The thought of anything other than a secure person makes me anxious/stressed. Maybe we need to focus on healing before trying to establish toxic relationships.
Secure people LEAVE for healthier connections, more often than not. The end.
I have given my best. I know it's time to move forward so I can maintain my own secure person. AD is a slow and sometimes painful process for them. And I get it. But I know it is just as important viable and necessary to maintain a healthy distance from someone who just does not want to do the work of learning to be responsible for a healthy relationship. 😉
It requires all your strength to deal with a dismissive avoidant.. all your emotional strength.. and in return you still get a lot less than you deserve.. what's really the point? Dismissive the dismissive is really the best advice. The sooner you leave, the sooner you can find someone who will help you heal rather than make you doubt yourself.
Very well said❤ I love my DA, and he can sometimes be a HUGE turtle.
Sandra Sanchez Thank you for sharing!
Dating a DA? .....just run !!!!!!
Awesome video Coach. I’m learning so much from your content. I followed your link and did some research on the ACE study and scored extremely high. I’ve known there’s been issues affecting me for years and I’ve struggled in all my relationships. This last breakup with a Dismissive Avoidant has brought up a truckload of unresolved trauma and grief. Kickstarting severe separation anxiety and abandonment trauma. Your videos are really helping me at the moment.
Storm. Im grateful to have people like you in the community! Makes all the studying and editing I’ve done with it friend 🙏🏾
yes i am secure as well, it was easy for me to end without hard feelings and does not allow anyone to atep o me.. since i understand where DA is coming from and i know it is not about me.. but im still here if DA needs advice and comfort.. i can handle it.. i dont judge too.. getting back is a whole other story
I came from a secure household; parents gave everything and adored me [but they disowned me as a teenager; hence I have some anxious attachment]. He came from a household with both parents, but they are farmers and I am sure that the farm came first even when he was a baby. They still control every aspect of his life; his mother still cooks for him and folds his laundry [even when I am there!]. He always pulls away, and his excuse is he is a 'quiet lad'. So, what, I am loud and wild because I want my love returned? If it's being a monk or a good boy, I'm sorry but in my world, I believe in the 'leave and cleave' it says in the bible...you put your partner first! That's not being wild or willful, that's being a good person...using people is NOT being good, and that's what he says he has done to me for 1 1/2 years. He withdraws, and it does affect my mental health because he doesn't value me. Yes, avoidants are nearly non-functioning. Him deciding to be alone and have his parents control him, not being with a strong, loving woman
Get ouuuttttttttt
@@Killernochance that was a year ago...we worked thru it and are together. He proudly shows me off to friends and family and tells them how much he loves me. I have worked on being less needy and feeling more secure. A few more issues about commitment, but we have been together three years
@@lisawentworth6831 Nice!!
I think that in all honesty, your needs shouldn't be downplayed because you are with a DA. I think part of being secure is loving yourself enough to not tone that down. But as long as he's there when it matters, I guess that's all that matters.
I just got dumped on Saturday by the best friend I have ever had. I hope I can say the same as you about her a year from now.
@@Killernochance ah, so I see why you had a quick response to me. I knew there was something there, and realized my own insecurity and pushiness didn't help with a DA. I tell you, how I got here was listen to every source I could for help, meditation, prayer, and keeping the lives of communication open. There is a big theory to have no communication for 30 days.. I don't buy that, but I did back down. We work nearby so there were accidental run ins. It worked, but it took work. I also don't know your situation, but generally when a woman is done with a man, she's done. When a DA man is done with a pushy woman, sometimes they just need a time out
I’d love to talk to you Lisa!
At the point when I realise that I can not calmly accept b***it and wait for them to come out of their shell, realizing that my anxious side comes out and I can not always supress it, does it mean I am becoming more Secure, by being more aware of it?
Yes, you are waking up and return your secure self in my opinion..as I due asking myself how I could ever tolerate those BS.. 🙄
Thank you soooo much! Very direct!
Turtles have shells for a reason
Preach!
Looking at some of these comments...is it really so hard to give someone a little space? Not days and weeks but why is it taken so personal. “Leave all DAs alone” “Avoid them at all costs” is more than a bit extreme. Seems to speak of some serious issues on the other end as well needing constant validation...but just my 2 cents
Two cents accepted. lol, becoming bitter and vengeful doesn’t help you become more secure YOURSELF!
I agree with this & I consider myself secure but i also can swing to avoidant. I think we ALL swing from dismissive to secure. We are all not secure all of the time. I think it’s important what you have bandwidth for how much you can allow for those frictions.
Usually is days and week(weeks) at a time - the space they need, which is sudden, after nice period of relatinship often.
@@Tarolyn17 I think many people have dated narcissists or sociopaths that they think are DA types. That's why I believe all the warnings are so abundant. Narcs don't just take a little space. They disappear for weeks or months (while cheating) they are passive aggressive and CRUEL in a variety of ways that tear people down. It's also very hard to date anyone if they are merely unreliable. You think you're building something steady and peaceful and then WHAM...they disappear with no communication or commitment as to when/if they're coming back so it just messes with your head. Secure people can handle it BETTER but it isn't healthy behavior. If a DA can learn to communicate (at least) that can help.
Lol this is some gaslighting sh!t.
As a female Da I am always honest about who I am. I’m not needy. I don’t need to see you all the time nor text all day. We’re adults, we’re busy. I don’t cheat , flirt or do anything like that. But I do require my freedom, my alone time my friend time. Guys are always like, Awesome. Love it, love you.
Until a few months in and all of a sudden they become needy, emotional, manipulative etc.
All the exact opposite of what I can handle.
I’m being honest from the start. They’re not. I let them know if this isn’t the right relationship for you, I understand. I know how I am. I’m only capable of giving so much. The honesty is never enough and of course that triggers me so I shut down. I think a vast majority of people are completely unaware of attachment styles.
Just stay by yourself
You don't sound like DA. DAs cannot really connect deeply. It's not just about the enormous space they need, it is about not being able to communicate properly in regards to their needs as they don't see where their discomfort is coming from. The moment they do and can rationally observe the pattern, they lean on the more secure side.
It doesn't matter how honest you are about what you want. The fact that DAs can make even healthy secure people lean anxious speaks to the great deal of disfunction that DAs possess. Instead of making rationalizations about your insecure attachment behaviors you should get therapy and heal your attachment before involving anyone else in your world. Or if you choose to refuse healing then stay single, but of course as much as you want to deny it even you as a DA needs connection because you are still human.
@@cappygurl I agree with this response.
I swear your message is a full DA I have been dealt with. The same structure of sentences, but not in English because we are from another country: D Yea you don't cheat you just kill other person inside with just a behavior, but who would care? DA? I guess no, you see yourself as perfectly fine but these guys are ofc bad, just not you, you are holy.
Thank you for the sound pragmatic suggestions. Question; what what if you have have a secondary and toxic attachment Style that sometimes overrides the secure? Any comments?
You have to learn to be aware of your triggers. Find out what fear is driving that unhealthy style.
I have a weird question. Been studying attachment therapy for years. Was wondering if you think (or know), if our prison systems (including juvenile) are mainly full of DA individuals?
It's a known fact that there are a ton of people struggling with undiagnosed mental health issues in the system. I can't see why attachment styles formed from previous traumas would be any different.
I would think it's unproportionately disorganized attachment
@@Selam-fr4lf agreed
The thing about it is, we need to know what to do before a break up, about attachment styles before relationships happen. It's a shame this isn't taught in Sex Ed. LOL
Shame!! Lol
PLEASE STOP THAT SUB POP ON THE SCREEN
itztik Shen have a better idea my friend? I’m all ears 👂
@@IamCoachCourt just make it not blink you know, its really drive me crazy because I want to listen to you, I could've just hear you and minimize the video, but it's important to see your face