👋🏻Hey y'all! Hope you enjoyed this video! Let me know if you've experienced lies in your relationship 👇🏻 🚨Come join my NEW Relationship Bootcamp! be.ultranormal.co/relationship-bootcamp?YTE072& - Chris
I dont lie ... And its not a lie ... And i'm sick of hearing "everyone lies". And I've explained this before too, being wrong isn't a lie. When you lie, it requires intent to deceave. You can be wrong while thinking you are right. That's not the same as a lie.
I agree, I don't think being wrong is a lie. Everyone does lie, they lie by either commission (an active intent to deceive) which is the lie you mentioned, or lies of omission (consciously omitting/editing information that is relevant). It's a human social instinct and like anything there is a scale to it. As humans we usually draw the line of 'right' and 'wrong' just below where we act. I think the main point is simply removing judgement behind lies, and making it easier for them to tell the truth.
Guess that makes me broken socially then, as I don't lie, either to make ppl feel better, or to make things easier for me. No, NOT EVERYONE LIES, so it's ok, most ppl just don't have the fortitude to always be honest, even to their own detriment. Also, I include omission as something as something to avoid. Have the integrity to be honest.
@@Lonewolfz24I’m 100% with you on this. I refuse to lie…always have…not because it’s easy but because the truth is the only way to live authentically. Apparently I’m broken too? Maybe I’m too simplistic but I can’t respect liars because I find it selfish cowardice. Instead of doing what right, or living to their highest potential, they instead lie…but they’re soul dies a little each time. I’ll never understand the choice to lie instead of growth.
You are right, thou i never met someone who dont lie. For example: Saying u got no time, when in reality u dont want to make time, is a lie. Saying, someone in Front of u drove to slow so u are late, is a lie, u r to late because u left on last Minute. Most Times, the truth is absolutly understandable but for some reason ppl rather lie than Show that they are just human like everyone else. And if one is wrong its a matter of reaction, if u can take it being teached, good, if u getting aggressiv if someone corrects u, bad..
I don’t agree that the onus is on the person being lied to in order to create safety. The person who feels so unsafe they need to lie either needs therapy, to make some changes, or to leave the relationship if it is so wrong for them that they cannot be honest and who they are. In no way does anyone ever, ever need to apologise for their reaction to being deceived. I think the only thing that needs to be clear from that person is “this reaction is due to your lie, not the content of the lie”
I can understand why people think that. At the end of the day, it can feel hurtful to be lied to, so it's uncomfortable to not think of lies as 'bad things', in order to protect our feelings & ego. I believe when it comes to lies, you are responsible only for yourself, your actions and your feelings. If you see lies as a 'bad' thing and you react with punishment/insults etc... then you are responsible for that reaction, not the person lying or the lie itself. Like I said in the video, everyone lies, even if it's omitting relevant details. So to bear judgement on other peoples lies is a huge bias that we have when interpreting other peoples behavior. So, while I understand why lies hurt, based on what I've experienced, read and studied, I personally don't believe the effective way to deal with them is to give a negative reaction. In fact, the psychology of punishing lies with a negative reaction only reinforces a persons desire to lie. So, for me it's really ineffective and quite unempathetic within a relationship to react in such a way. But, each to their own, if people find long term success in reacting that way, then that's great! It's just very far from mine and my members experience.
Y'know, I used to think that there were unforgivable lies. Especially in relationships (e.g. like infidelity etc...) but ultimately those 'unforgivable' lies were only ever based on how much my ego was bruised by them. Throwing away a relationship over a bruised ego is like quitting a job because your boss called you a jackass in front of the company. Sure it feels good to do in the moment, but at the end of the day it doesn't solve anything and all it does it reinforce to yourself that you should walk away from situations that you feel uncomfortable in. I'm not saying it's *easy* but I've seen (and worked with) SO many healthy happy thriving incredible relationships come together after trust has been broken.
Insightful video. Though maybe it should be considered how this information translates differently for people in abusive relationships. They often think their relationship is "normal", blame themselves easily and take too much responsibility for the issues. This video in the current form might exaggerate these things, there not being any disclaimers.
Well, there needs to be consequences for unacceptable behavior. This is Permissive versus Authoritative styles of relationship. So while I agree we probably should try to be encouraging and create space for making the partner feel safe enough to open up, we also deserve an explanation from our partner for their behavior and we can't just wait around for them to feel safe enough to do that. That sort of seems like making an excuse for them to continue their behavior.
I can understand lies hurt, which can make lies feel like they need some sort of punitive measures. I don't believe as humans we need to demand an explanation or 'consequences' (or that we're even entitled to them, aside to satisfy our own ego). Punishment/punitive reactions don't hold much water in psychology. I think we can hold people accountable in a non-violent communication style. And I agree, I don't believe in waiting around for a partner to feel safe either, I think it's important to pro-actively create safety around the subject as well as do it as a partner in general in order to build the trust and safety between you both. The partner will continue their behavior if they choose to or not, the only thing you can control is yourself, so if you respond with a 'consequence' (aka some sort of negative reaction etc...) then it shows your partner that you are less interested in the root of the problem (ie. why they decided to lie in the first place) and more about your own ego. However, we can influence the environment. So by creating safety, and being able to actually build that safety around the root of the emotion behind the lie, then you're actually getting to the core of the behavior. Once you get to the core of the behavior, then you can work with your partner to come up with solutions to help them feel safe to express things, so they don't feel the need to lie.
It's the same process, it just takes longer. The key concept is putting aside the bias and judgement of their actions in order to communicate effectively with them. Ultimately if someone lies to you, if you want to cultivate the relationship and turn it around, then focusing on the lie will only create more damage than it heals. Like if someone stole food from you, focusing on how they were hungry in the first place should be the focus, not that it was wrong to steal the cookie. Focus on the cookie = you'll get defensiveness Focus on why they were hungry = you'll get to the root of the issue
I feel this is somewhat one sided. Yes, u have to expect being lied to, if u cant handle the truth, dismiss the others feelings, down play them etc but there are ppl out there, just lieing, no matter how u react. And this is just bad. I have experienced the situationen where one lied to me to lure me in, and this is hard to not take personal.. i did everything to respect them and make them feel safe and they told me lies over lies to keep me near, yeah, they did this for themselves, but also against me because they were exploiting me and used the lies to keep it going. Now they are lieing about me to everyone they get to listen, so nobody would beliefe me. Feels like this video says, the one reciving the lie has to work on themselfes no matter the situation, like its allways ur fault if someone lies to you.. When u feel like u cant be honest with someone, bring it up, try to talk it out and if this isnt working out, go and find someone u dont feel the need to lie to. If u feel u are lied to, bringt it up, talk about it and if it isnt working out, leave. Respect yourself and others.
Yeah, I don't lie ever..either by omission or commission ... i have Autistic ADHD, I am bluntly honest, whether i am praising or insulting you. For the sake of argument, I can be okay that if you woke up late and hungover, and your boss asked why are you late, and you replied it's b/c of a traffic jam, since you are not my SO i don't give an F. But lying against SO is a sin in its principality. a lie is a lie. There is no harmless/fun or serious lie. Lying shows a flawed character, and there is no building over that. IMHO. I most definitely confront and let them know I am cutting them off (been there, done that); whether I expose them or not, depends on situationality.
Thanks for the comment. I think a lot of people get hung up on the word 'lie'. Whether you lie by commission (tweaking the truth) or omission (leaving out relevant information) it's simply a human trait.
I dont think insulting people is acceptable wheter you have autism, adhd or not. I had an autistic friend and his "honest" "rational" judgement were a dealbraker for me. I dont want another person in my life that bring me down. Why are people with those illnesses saying sometimes cruel things?
@@BeUltranormal I can't win you on this as, on a statistics level, it's true that most normal people lie. My statement is based upon how i am, and what i am creates my interpretation of the society & world around me.
@@Nina-ur3ld Well, its not we are out daily actively trying to find someone to insult. My point it that whatever our intention is there will no lie - in praise, i won't think of exaggeration or when insulting i won't say nonexistent things just to hurt extra. b/c exaggeration and speaking things just to hurt that you don't mean both are also lies. I empathize with you regarding your experience with your autistic friend. i understand that blunt honesty can feel cruel sometimes.
@@forgedude I think that if you have ever lied, then you lie. Which is everyone. While I am on the same page as you that I do not consciously, purposefully attempt to deceive people. 100% true. And yes, if you create your interpretation of what a lie is and that means that you do not lie, then sure you can create that reality for yourself. However, in my experience, it's not an effective interpretation for cultivating relationships.
If you don’t talk about lying, then the other person has to live in illusion. They don’t have enough information to make decisions. They don’t know what’s real or sincere. And if the other person is insecure enough to continue to lie, then why bother being in that relationship. Their sense of safety does not need to be validated by me. I do not expect that I would lie them, so why should I expect them to lie to me?
As I said in the video, lying is something that every person on this planet does to differing degrees. So by holding onto a judgemental mindset about lying you essentially look down on your partners behavior (despite having lied before in your life), and if that is the case, why would they ever feel safe to talk about their feelings with a partner that doesn't see them as an equal?
@@BeUltranormal It depends on the depth and intent of the lie. There are white lies, and then there are outright destructive lies that are result in deep betrayal. When someone outright steals money from your bank account or sleeps with another person in a fully committed, monogamous relationship, those lies are damaging. The other person might be vulnerable, and feel they must lie to protect themselves and lie, but in reality they need to grow up and be transparent in these serious life scenarios. Lying about stealing the last piece of cake in the refrigerator-who cares. Stealing money and sleeping around is cruelty. These significant deceptions and blatant lies can absolutely destroy trust in a committed relationship. It’s harmful. At some point, it’s completely unacceptable and disrespectful to the other person and the relationship-it won’t last. #beentheredonethat
For me, it comes down to what is effective versus what isn't. If we think that someone simply needs to 'grow up' and wait for that to happen, it might not lead to the best results. I've seen members I've worked with go through tough times, like partners having affairs and breaking trust. But when they chose to respond differently, their relationships became stronger than ever, and they got to enjoy the benefits of that effort. Everyone has their own line when it comes to dealing with lies, and it's up to you to decide where that line is. However, if you want to cultivate a stronger relationship, walking away, judging, or blaming won't help. I understand and respect that choice, but my channel focuses on taking action and making radical changes, no matter how tough things get. There are many other channels that offer comfort in blaming others, but my goal is to help people take control and turn things around.
👋🏻Hey y'all! Hope you enjoyed this video! Let me know if you've experienced lies in your relationship 👇🏻
🚨Come join my NEW Relationship Bootcamp! be.ultranormal.co/relationship-bootcamp?YTE072&
- Chris
I dont lie ... And its not a lie ... And i'm sick of hearing "everyone lies". And I've explained this before too, being wrong isn't a lie. When you lie, it requires intent to deceave. You can be wrong while thinking you are right. That's not the same as a lie.
I agree, I don't think being wrong is a lie.
Everyone does lie, they lie by either commission (an active intent to deceive) which is the lie you mentioned, or lies of omission (consciously omitting/editing information that is relevant). It's a human social instinct and like anything there is a scale to it. As humans we usually draw the line of 'right' and 'wrong' just below where we act.
I think the main point is simply removing judgement behind lies, and making it easier for them to tell the truth.
Guess that makes me broken socially then, as I don't lie, either to make ppl feel better, or to make things easier for me. No, NOT EVERYONE LIES, so it's ok, most ppl just don't have the fortitude to always be honest, even to their own detriment. Also, I include omission as something as something to avoid. Have the integrity to be honest.
Thanks for the feedback!
@@Lonewolfz24I’m 100% with you on this. I refuse to lie…always have…not because it’s easy but because the truth is the only way to live authentically. Apparently I’m broken too? Maybe I’m too simplistic but I can’t respect liars because I find it selfish cowardice. Instead of doing what right, or living to their highest potential, they instead lie…but they’re soul dies a little each time. I’ll never understand the choice to lie instead of growth.
You are right, thou i never met someone who dont lie. For example: Saying u got no time, when in reality u dont want to make time, is a lie. Saying, someone in Front of u drove to slow so u are late, is a lie, u r to late because u left on last Minute. Most Times, the truth is absolutly understandable but for some reason ppl rather lie than Show that they are just human like everyone else. And if one is wrong its a matter of reaction, if u can take it being teached, good, if u getting aggressiv if someone corrects u, bad..
I don’t agree that the onus is on the person being lied to in order to create safety. The person who feels so unsafe they need to lie either needs therapy, to make some changes, or to leave the relationship if it is so wrong for them that they cannot be honest and who they are. In no way does anyone ever, ever need to apologise for their reaction to being deceived. I think the only thing that needs to be clear from that person is “this reaction is due to your lie, not the content of the lie”
I can understand why people think that. At the end of the day, it can feel hurtful to be lied to, so it's uncomfortable to not think of lies as 'bad things', in order to protect our feelings & ego.
I believe when it comes to lies, you are responsible only for yourself, your actions and your feelings. If you see lies as a 'bad' thing and you react with punishment/insults etc... then you are responsible for that reaction, not the person lying or the lie itself. Like I said in the video, everyone lies, even if it's omitting relevant details. So to bear judgement on other peoples lies is a huge bias that we have when interpreting other peoples behavior.
So, while I understand why lies hurt, based on what I've experienced, read and studied, I personally don't believe the effective way to deal with them is to give a negative reaction. In fact, the psychology of punishing lies with a negative reaction only reinforces a persons desire to lie. So, for me it's really ineffective and quite unempathetic within a relationship to react in such a way.
But, each to their own, if people find long term success in reacting that way, then that's great! It's just very far from mine and my members experience.
Surely it depends upon the lie? Big lies can be unforgivable
Y'know, I used to think that there were unforgivable lies. Especially in relationships (e.g. like infidelity etc...) but ultimately those 'unforgivable' lies were only ever based on how much my ego was bruised by them.
Throwing away a relationship over a bruised ego is like quitting a job because your boss called you a jackass in front of the company. Sure it feels good to do in the moment, but at the end of the day it doesn't solve anything and all it does it reinforce to yourself that you should walk away from situations that you feel uncomfortable in.
I'm not saying it's *easy* but I've seen (and worked with) SO many healthy happy thriving incredible relationships come together after trust has been broken.
Insightful video. Though maybe it should be considered how this information translates differently for people in abusive relationships. They often think their relationship is "normal", blame themselves easily and take too much responsibility for the issues. This video in the current form might exaggerate these things, there not being any disclaimers.
thanks for the feedback!
This video is really making me think about my son. Thank you for sharing!
I'm glad it was helpful!! Thanks for watching!!
Well, there needs to be consequences for unacceptable behavior. This is Permissive versus Authoritative styles of relationship.
So while I agree we probably should try to be encouraging and create space for making the partner feel safe enough to open up, we also deserve an explanation from our partner for their behavior and we can't just wait around for them to feel safe enough to do that. That sort of seems like making an excuse for them to continue their behavior.
I can understand lies hurt, which can make lies feel like they need some sort of punitive measures.
I don't believe as humans we need to demand an explanation or 'consequences' (or that we're even entitled to them, aside to satisfy our own ego).
Punishment/punitive reactions don't hold much water in psychology. I think we can hold people accountable in a non-violent communication style. And I agree, I don't believe in waiting around for a partner to feel safe either, I think it's important to pro-actively create safety around the subject as well as do it as a partner in general in order to build the trust and safety between you both.
The partner will continue their behavior if they choose to or not, the only thing you can control is yourself, so if you respond with a 'consequence' (aka some sort of negative reaction etc...) then it shows your partner that you are less interested in the root of the problem (ie. why they decided to lie in the first place) and more about your own ego. However, we can influence the environment. So by creating safety, and being able to actually build that safety around the root of the emotion behind the lie, then you're actually getting to the core of the behavior. Once you get to the core of the behavior, then you can work with your partner to come up with solutions to help them feel safe to express things, so they don't feel the need to lie.
@@BeUltranormalthank you for this ❤
okay, I hear you Mr. Michael Keaton.
I'm not sure how this was meant, but I'm sure as hell gonna take it as a compliment! 🙃
What about lies on top of lies, like 2 timing player who then gaslights you on top of the lies because now he fears for his reputation?
It's the same process, it just takes longer. The key concept is putting aside the bias and judgement of their actions in order to communicate effectively with them.
Ultimately if someone lies to you, if you want to cultivate the relationship and turn it around, then focusing on the lie will only create more damage than it heals.
Like if someone stole food from you, focusing on how they were hungry in the first place should be the focus, not that it was wrong to steal the cookie.
Focus on the cookie = you'll get defensiveness
Focus on why they were hungry = you'll get to the root of the issue
I feel this is somewhat one sided. Yes, u have to expect being lied to, if u cant handle the truth, dismiss the others feelings, down play them etc but there are ppl out there, just lieing, no matter how u react. And this is just bad. I have experienced the situationen where one lied to me to lure me in, and this is hard to not take personal.. i did everything to respect them and make them feel safe and they told me lies over lies to keep me near, yeah, they did this for themselves, but also against me because they were exploiting me and used the lies to keep it going. Now they are lieing about me to everyone they get to listen, so nobody would beliefe me.
Feels like this video says, the one reciving the lie has to work on themselfes no matter the situation, like its allways ur fault if someone lies to you..
When u feel like u cant be honest with someone, bring it up, try to talk it out and if this isnt working out, go and find someone u dont feel the need to lie to. If u feel u are lied to, bringt it up, talk about it and if it isnt working out, leave. Respect yourself and others.
Yeah, I don't lie ever..either by omission or commission ... i have Autistic ADHD, I am bluntly honest, whether i am praising or insulting you. For the sake of argument, I can be okay that if you woke up late and hungover, and your boss asked why are you late, and you replied it's b/c of a traffic jam, since you are not my SO i don't give an F. But lying against SO is a sin in its principality. a lie is a lie. There is no harmless/fun or serious lie. Lying shows a flawed character, and there is no building over that. IMHO. I most definitely confront and let them know I am cutting them off (been there, done that); whether I expose them or not, depends on situationality.
Thanks for the comment. I think a lot of people get hung up on the word 'lie'. Whether you lie by commission (tweaking the truth) or omission (leaving out relevant information) it's simply a human trait.
I dont think insulting people is acceptable wheter you have autism, adhd or not. I had an autistic friend and his "honest" "rational" judgement were a dealbraker for me. I dont want another person in my life that bring me down. Why are people with those illnesses saying sometimes cruel things?
@@BeUltranormal I can't win you on this as, on a statistics level, it's true that most normal people lie. My statement is based upon how i am, and what i am creates my interpretation of the society & world around me.
@@Nina-ur3ld Well, its not we are out daily actively trying to find someone to insult. My point it that whatever our intention is there will no lie - in praise, i won't think of exaggeration or when insulting i won't say nonexistent things just to hurt extra. b/c exaggeration and speaking things just to hurt that you don't mean both are also lies. I empathize with you regarding your experience with your autistic friend. i understand that blunt honesty can feel cruel sometimes.
@@forgedude I think that if you have ever lied, then you lie. Which is everyone.
While I am on the same page as you that I do not consciously, purposefully attempt to deceive people. 100% true. And yes, if you create your interpretation of what a lie is and that means that you do not lie, then sure you can create that reality for yourself.
However, in my experience, it's not an effective interpretation for cultivating relationships.
If you don’t talk about lying, then the other person has to live in illusion. They don’t have enough information to make decisions. They don’t know what’s real or sincere. And if the other person is insecure enough to continue to lie, then why bother being in that relationship.
Their sense of safety does not need to be validated by me. I do not expect that I would lie them, so why should I expect them to lie to me?
As I said in the video, lying is something that every person on this planet does to differing degrees.
So by holding onto a judgemental mindset about lying you essentially look down on your partners behavior (despite having lied before in your life), and if that is the case, why would they ever feel safe to talk about their feelings with a partner that doesn't see them as an equal?
@@BeUltranormal It depends on the depth and intent of the lie. There are white lies, and then there are outright destructive lies that are result in deep betrayal.
When someone outright steals money from your bank account or sleeps with another person in a fully committed, monogamous relationship, those lies are damaging.
The other person might be vulnerable, and feel they must lie to protect themselves and lie, but in reality they need to grow up and be transparent in these serious life scenarios.
Lying about stealing the last piece of cake in the refrigerator-who cares. Stealing money and sleeping around is cruelty.
These significant deceptions and blatant lies can absolutely destroy trust in a committed relationship. It’s harmful. At some point, it’s completely unacceptable and disrespectful to the other person and the relationship-it won’t last.
#beentheredonethat
For me, it comes down to what is effective versus what isn't. If we think that someone simply needs to 'grow up' and wait for that to happen, it might not lead to the best results. I've seen members I've worked with go through tough times, like partners having affairs and breaking trust. But when they chose to respond differently, their relationships became stronger than ever, and they got to enjoy the benefits of that effort.
Everyone has their own line when it comes to dealing with lies, and it's up to you to decide where that line is. However, if you want to cultivate a stronger relationship, walking away, judging, or blaming won't help. I understand and respect that choice, but my channel focuses on taking action and making radical changes, no matter how tough things get. There are many other channels that offer comfort in blaming others, but my goal is to help people take control and turn things around.
@@BeUltranormalthank you
@@BeUltranormalthank you very helpful ❤
Cater cater cater huh...
I'm not sure I understand?