Never Say This to a Trauma Survivor
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- Опубликовано: 11 окт 2024
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"It's about time you got over it".
My mother. On my sons birthday - after he died.
😔💔
I’m so sorry 😞 Hugs
💔I’m so, so sorry. You have a right and a reason to grieve.
😳 oh my! ❤️🩹
Cruel, cruel.
“You’re exaggerating, it wasn’t that bad“ was much worse for me than ‘why don’t you leave’. Questioning my word and my life experience was exactly what the narcissist did. When therapists did that to me too, I really thought I was crazy.
I’m so sorry that a professional said that to you when they should have made a safe space available instead. Your feelings are valid and you did not deserve to ever go through that.
Clinicians will be the one to throw you over the edge for me. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and just about suicidal when i went to talk with each clinician they had in this building as I wanted to see if i would get better advice from one than the other. You need to rethink your marriage." You need to get a divorce." You need to leave "
"why havent you left?"
Then my medical doctor said, l will not help you because your still with him." ("when did they put conditions on getting help?")
Wow. My psychotherapist said that to me soon as I told her my troubled living arrangement. The second visit was why haven’t you left yet. “ well because I’ve nowhere to go and no vehicle to get me there.
That was the answer. 🎉 And it makes sense. Now people know more about what you needed to leave.
People don’t just wake up and choose to be abused
No, but they choose to continue to be in the situation
@@jakeusaf9401quit your job
@@jakeusaf9401feel like quitting your job?
@@chaimomma9198 your job is not to be abused. You have value. By continuing to be in an abusive relationship you are teaching your sons and daughters this is how you treat a woman.
@jakeusaf9401 The most dangerous time for someone is when someone is trying to leave an abuser. The abuse is gradual. Its a process.
It’s why I kept it inside and never shared, that and also because I couldn’t even understand what I was going through.
That question is purely based on one thing:
Judgement.
The last thing a survivor needs is to be JUDGED. TRUST ME they slready judged themselves relentlessly
@@Bluesnakes333 🛎🤷🏻♀️I hadn’t thought of it that way. A lot of bells going off now looking back. Huh thank you for sharing this message
Agreed. I felt the same way. Until I finally broke down and told someone who I knew would have my back and hold me accountable to loving myself better by not allowing me to be mistreated.
@@AishaDiane I’m feeling so ashamed right now
@@sherischutzen49 pls don’t feel ashamed for genuinely loving someone. But also don’t subject yourself to their toxic and cruel behavior. You deserve to be treated well and loved genuinely.
A colleague, after finding me in a toilet crying, told me I didn't have to stay with him. It took me another 5 months to get away but I did it. Those words were from a woman who had gone through something similar and knew exactly what I needed to hear. I didn't have to stay meant I could leave. Even just realising that was quite overwhelming. God bless you, Debbie.
Right, and some need to keep hearing it to know they can...❤
I had a colleague / friend (at the time) who told me that she was “setting a boundary with me” after I confided in her about a traumatic re-exposure event. She denied me catharsis and it forced me to take weeks off of work due to the delegitimising of my traumatic memories and experience.
@@Mike-gd4zdMaybe she had her own traumatic experiences and couldn’t be there for someone else. It’s tough not being a therapist and having other people unload their traumas on you when you don’t have the training to handle it, especially when you have your own things to handle.
Wow that must have been such a powerful moment. I’m so glad you got out of that relationship and that you realised you deserved better.
Thank you! Many people living in toxic relationships also involves financial ab*se.. they are often unable to leave. It’s either unsafe or not feasible.
My ex was a narcissist- he funneled money out of our account and stiffed our landlord for four months. One day, he went to stay with his cousin for a few weeks- sent me a message saying the relationship was done. I was served with eviction papers the next week for unpaid rent. At 25, I had to start over and live on a friend’s couch for four months. I was left with nothing to my name and whatever belongings I could fit in the back of my car.
Most times, “just leaving” isn’t an option because they’ve manipulated your entire life.
At least he left though!!
Or maybe it wasn't them
they manipulated your entire life!!!@@flowers3036
they manipulate your entire life!!!
Zactly! AND most dangerous time esp. for abused women. And kids arrangements, related to $ and support system or lack there of!
The accurate question for someone that is still in the relationship and obviously under duress is, "What is preventing you from leaving?'. That is a question that can be specifically answered because someone in that situation knows exactly what is preventing them from escaping. That is the question that can allow someone to help that person get to a safe place. It shows an understanding that the situation is serious, that there are, in fact, valid obstacles facing the person, and that help, and support, is desperately needed.
perfectly said, thanks for saying this !
True, or "what do you need to be able to leave, what could help you?"
And "tell me how I can help you get out of this horrific situation"
Love that…. No judgment just sincere desire to help
Was just thinking this. Clinical Psychology student here working to becoming Doctor of Psychology in a mental institution
I agree, 100%. It never feels like caring curiosity. It always feels like more criticism. I am so tired of trying to make people understand what is happening here. So tired.
I don’t agree at all. If you’re in a abusive relationship…. Leave and go to the courthouse and find a group home
@@loweloking88 are you trolling?! You put the derrrrr in DerMarkus
You are not alone
@@loweloking88yes no one has ever done that. The abuser has never found them and followed them to other locations. You cannot be serious. GTFOH!🤬😒
Only in ohio 💀
I’ve had so many people say things like this to me.., ‘why did you date him’, ‘you stayed too long’, ‘how did you get involved with someone like that?’ It’s super blaming and disrespectful, and makes me question the person who said it. Even before I knew about these things, I would never say that to someone going through a hard time. Not ok. Thanks for sharing ❤
You get it! Me too🙄
Me too 💔💔💔💔
They may fall apart if they leave what's keeping them Functioning.
They may be living on the fear and anxiety take it away they may collapse.
Yes someone said to me "are you one of those people pleasers?"
Fearing someone you love is indescribably paralyzing. Even as a man. I had no idea till I experienced it myself.
Wow! This question really is the worst thing to say to someone who has been there. You need to dig deep into your empathy to feel for a traumatized person. I lived this trauma as a child, and into my teenage years, due to an abusive parent. Imagine saying that question to an abused child. Once out it took almost three years to recover from the constant fight or flight feelings. I'm in my sixty's now, and still experience those feelings when the conditions are not good. Thank you Dr Dr. Durvasula for posting this important information.
This question is indeed accusation or blaming the person for their situation 🙄
And on top of that, insinuating that the person was not putting enough effort to leave, and therefore was 'asking for it'.
People need to get over shit, stop whining about your problems and CHOOSE happiness
No it's asking a fucking question. But of curse let's continue to play the victim card by being passive and rejet the fault on everyone else, right?
And don’t assume they can just “get out” of their situation it takes time and effort in doing so. Things are not always as easy and bright as it looks
That part
Yup, if you don't have a place to go, if you have kids, if you rely on them financially. Safety plans have to be made.
@@dottydavisYes, or animals that may also end up being in an unsafe situation. 🙏🏾♥️🕊️
It also takes time and effort to help a person through their trauma but get abused and yelled at cos of others and their bs that have caused apon that person. So why stay if the person wants to get help but yet still whips out Ur past and uses it against u and carries on about their past and compares it to U and urs why fukn stay.. seriously..she's saying it's disrespectful to say leave..but what about those who can't stay around the toxic cycle anymore..are we just to sit back and allow our lives to get worse and fight and argue whose had what and blame the world for every little things that went wrong in Ur life hell nah..I'm sorry but I disagree with this..I've supported but only can do so much..also gotta work on urself too .goes both ways.
I'm grateful that his family bought me a flight to leave. They picked me up at 4am to sneak me to the airport while he was sleep. He woke up and found out that I was gone. He was devastated that his family helped me but they saw him verbally abusing me and knew I was ready to go. I'm happy I left and haven't talked him him since 2019.
Curated. Good for you. So glad you had help, to leave. I have been there, so I understand how hard it is.
Good family then.It’s usually families are part of the act and make life even more dangerous
He had a good family, usually they help in the abuse or are grateful that you are there to take it and not them
I was pinched down on a bed forcefully with my hands held behind my back by my ex when we were arguing. He held me down the bed with his weight while screaming calm down, I won't let you go untill you've calmed down. After that it left me speechless bc we were never violent with each other. When I took it upp a while later he said that he doesn't remember doing such thing. I guess in a heated argument things could explode. He may have snapped bc our fights got more frequent. Anyway I finally came out and told his mother randomly when we were out eating and she said "he did?" then she said "but why didn't you leave " with no expression in her face like it was my fault for staying and not his fault for doing that to me.
My "mother in law" was like this. They're counts, and they raise them to be like this.
Autocorrect changed that word 😂
She wants you to leave him because she wants to be his first and only one he has.
That made me remember that my husband would call me names , berate me and the next day I’d say what you said hurt my feelings and he’d say, what did I say? Must’ve said it in my sleep. Or I drank too much but only had 2 glasses of moscato or I dont remember my medication must’ve reacted badly with a beer.
They remember they just don’t want to face what they did or have a calm conversation about it because then they’d have to face that they are toxic and abusers
I got asked this sooo much!! What would have helped more would have been to have been shown that I was worthy of so much more. It would have given me the awareness and strength to leave earlier
I was trying to tell my mom I was hurting and instead of assurance, I got a CVS receipt of my flaws. Priceless.😐
I agree. Sometimes we have nowhere to leave to. And don’t have anyone to help if you are childless like I was in this situation the state will not help. I got down to 68 lbs at 5’2 with pneumonia and was living under a bridge in January. So I had to go back or die.
I’m so sorry.😪
So sorry 😢🩷
It wasn’t right that you had to choose the lesser of two evils. I’m glad you chose to live to fight another day. Praying that God has/will provide you a way of escape. He is an ever-present help in time of struggle. Please know that others believe that you deserve better. Not everyone is self-serving. Praying you find someone to aid your escape and nurture your future growth. ❤
Yes Doctor I went through Domestic violence nine years ago, they were putting on a beautiful morning tea and walk and talk against Domestic violence, there was this old lady volunteering she hands me food and says why didn't you just leave, the average time it takes is seven times before you finally fully get away, thank you so much for that 💙, I had to explain it, still have ptsd nine years later and anxiety, at the time I was shocked and taken aback when she said it at the time, God bless you for saying that⚘
So true! I don't tell anybody about my survival story, because its way to painful being asked this question. Makes me feel so dumb or them seeing my as dumb. Many professionelle have even ask me that question, and I have told them not to, and I'm pretty sure they just think I'm overreacting or too sensitive.
Bottom line is YOU are wrong and selfish. Talking about the experience is healing and can ultimately help someone else. Those emotions which you are obviously too ashamed to share are sooo TOXIC to your entire being. You need to cleanse.
@@DC-vx7ujinteresting comment, indeed :) their are other ways to heal, than explaining your story to people that do not understand the complexity of abuse.
@@DC-vx7uj Read your comment again and tell me do you see their point now?
@@doofusleloofus Nope. I do not.
I stopped going to therapy because both of them continually asked this question. I was seeing them because I was trauma bonded and living in hell. I needed to vent and be helped to deal with the trauma and start to heal so that I could make the decision to stay or go.
I’d been broken, gaslit, manipulated so much I didn’t know what was up or down. If I’d had a chance to safely vent what was going on I’d eventually work it out for myself. Instead I felt like I was defending my choices, my weaknesses and decisions.
I'm a Trauma Survivor and it hits a nerve and a trigger when people tell me to "get over it" that by far is the most disrespectful thing anyone can say to me Unless you been in my shoes 💯 🚩 ❌
Hearing someone whose been through a lot saying/telling/reminding you that you do not have to stay are as valuable as a hat full of silver dollars to me ❤😂
That happened years back to a lawyer I had gone to for help. She told me it was my fault for staying with someone who treated me worse than a dog. I was very insulted and took it very personally deciding to stay and not be exposed any more to someone like her.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I hate when ppl say that.
Never ask that question to a surviver. The most disrespectful question to ask a surviver is: Why don’t you leave? It is so very true. Thank you.
If you haven't been abused, you could not possibly understand how disrespectful it is to ask that question.
Because one thing abused people know is that one of the most dangerous times for them is when they leave an abuser.
you have to move in silence and plan your Escape prayerfully thoughtfully and execute it well. it is no excuse to remain though, there has to be a plan to leave
That is true.
Thank you for saying this 🙌🏼
Literally made me tear up.
I agree,because when the narcissist has diligently a carefully crippled the victim,triangulated,and been running a smear campaign for alot longer than you think,the options are slim to none,With no finances or vehicle and hacked phone.Plus terror causing audio and video,and been gas lit ,hospitalized,left fir dead unconscious multiple times and after reaching for help and no one listening. Its weird,not embarrassing because the victim did not ask for all these forms of trauma inducing abuse. I love listening to Mrs.Romni.
Dr. Romni, not Mrs.
3 of my therapist were making me to leave my narc family when I was suffering from panic attacks and anxiety. I felt like everything was falling apart and absolutely lonely with no one on my side.I never went to any therapist again.
My friend who I suspect to be a narcissist like my mother and my husband. Said my nine year old daughter wants to know why your pregnant if it’s so bad here?? Nine? She stood there waiting for an answer ! How could I tell her and her precocious child that all my support one by one had been chased off ! The stress of my marriage gave me extreme high blood pressure so I couldn’t get birth control he wouldn’t get the snip! And after 18 years where my mother had sided with him!! Regardless of cut lips my black eyes were he had beaten me always about the head. When I did plan on leaving him she turned up at my door and told him! Knowing she was telling my abuser. I was pregnant at 15 he was in his his mid twenties. When I was at my social workers house. We were told that they wanted us to report to the police station I turned to him and said I knew my mother would do this his face went white. The police said oh it’s not for him it’s you she’s pressing charges to. That was my mother. I was put in a cell sent to a remand home and a week later taken to court to see three magistrates my mother wanted me to be taken from my family and placed in the system. When the magistrate asked if anyone had something to say on my behalf. My father stood and told them how good a daughter I am always helping my mother. I was put on a years detention. When I had to sign in weekly at probation office the local thieves and vagabond and prostitutes asked what crime I’d done to be there. I’d point to my ever growing stomach. When they asked who had put me there. The look on their faces was total disbelief. My mother had always hated me my sister said she couldn’t bear the names she’d call me. My brain has blocked that part out thank goodness. My gran had told her to put me in care and was disgusted when I walked in. I went from a cold hearted mother and gran to a narcistic husband. Who on my wedding day told me he didn’t love me! It was 18years later that I got my ducks in a row and got him out of my life it took another forty years to try to get him to leave us alone now he realises I’m finally free with a lovely husband. He’s dripping poison with my children and caused a big family rift. Please please look for this in your relationships zero tolerance dont be like me go back twice before cos he love bombs you the moment you’re tempted to believe it will happen again he ll do exactly the same thing won’t love you but goes with prostitutes. Breaks your heart till there’s only a shell left. I was lucky I found a great guy by accident and the only thing to do is no contact move if you can it’s harder for him to just turn up all the time!! Stay the hell resigned too. Keep your children free he never used their names he wasn’t interested in the children. Narcissists are the worst in this life. When my mother died I haven’t shed a tear. I feel bit guilty but I tried my whole life first for her to love me then him. It’s a waste of your heart. Stay free stay away. Be happy I wasted a lifetime trying to love narcissists they truly are unlovable. 😢
No, the worst and most disrespectful thing you can say to a survivor is to say “it’s all your fault”. That’s what my narc mom would always say to me when bad things happened to me.
I was smart enough and able enough to get away. Now I’m living in my vehicle and suicidal, but that doesn’t qualify me for DV shelter bc I’m not in imminent danger (from the abuser).
The problem is that even if they get people OUT of households with abuse, we are taught how to recognize abuse and maybe understand WHY we stayed, but there is not much in the way of healing trauma so we can move on.
I hope you've found housing and got your other basic needs met since you posted this comment. I will say I'm in the same situation as you EXCEPT I have had some therapy and I will suggest EMDR. It has been the most helpful in moving past traumatic events.
@@heathermk2011 🙏🏼Thank you sister for your words. 💞
I have found a house but there is no money left in the housing grants! So I made a gofundme to pay for the year lease in entirety since I don’t have a working income … , but pretty sure I can’t post the link here on RUclips 😔
My hypnotherapist says I am not yet strong enough for EMDR and wants to wait til I have housing. It’s been a while however and the fundraising is going slow.
I am actually continuing the support group that ended from the shelter and we are meeting once a week two towns over.
Big picture is to copy Community First! Village (find them here on RUclips!) w focus on a healing environment for DV men, women and houseless teens and to have the resources available for healing, like the therapies, sound baths, EFT, etc etc and it be a revenue-generating community so we don’t have to rely on govt grants to function.
But I know why I didn't leave. Because I was crazy in love with her. I would have done anything to make it work. So I was clinging to any sliver of hope I could find that I could make it work, that I could show her how her gaslighting and her stonewalling and her push-and-pull and her various mind-games were destroying our relationship.
Yep
yep
I went to a counselor I went to because I was struggling with my boyfriend’s parents who can be very difficult. After I told her what was happening, she asked “Why do you allow yourself to be around difficult people?” It was like WTF. I was trying to support my bf by trying to connect with his family! Duh!!
She should have offered tools on how to deal with difficult people, sheesh!
In other words why you doing this to yourself???
Yes! Thank you so much for spreading a true wise word!❤
“Aren’t you over that yet”?
That’s another really disgusting thing to ask, and I’ve been asked this as a survivor of complex-ptsd. My father and brother were both narcissists, my other brother was bipolar, my mother the survivor of an alcoholic bipolar father, and a was drugged and raped by two boys in high school. I’m still digging myself out.
Dr,Ramani is the most solid compassionate intelligent person there is on utube .
Thank you for this Validation !!
Leaving is a VERY big deal in these situations. People - including therapists - have absolutely NO idea how viciously vengeful narcissists and other abusers can be. I've seen one in action so many times and read so many survivors' stories, it's beyond belief to normal people who have never had to deal with such a person. Ask if narcissistic rage is dangerous... They will steal or even kill your pets, routinely use and abuse the children, lie to turn them against you, raid the bank accounts and hide the money, total your car, lie to your boss, to your landlord, to your family... there is literally nothing too egregious to act upon. One guy sent sex tapes of the survivor to her straight-laced, conservative parents, took parts out of her car engine at night, all kinds of things. They will also keep you in court for decades and lie to judges, an unfortunately come off looking like the sane one (as planned) because they pose so well.
Not all narcissistic relationships are as bad as you’re describing. However, you make a very good point and the warning is important. Thank you.
You are 100% on point. I pray you are ok
I have worked with survivors of intimate partner violence and I still hear people asking this question. It is the same as asking someone who was mugged, why did you have a wallet to be stolen?
It’s sad she didn’t finish explaining why you shouldn’t say that to an abused person.
Is there in any other place??
I read a couple of other NPD channels and this two people said that the abuse person doesn’t leave because she gets a high with the toxic relationship.
I read so many comments from people who are going through or some that already escaped and none of them said something like that……😢😮😢😮😢
100% of people said they lived or are living a nightmare.
Good luck 🍀 to everyone trying to escape at this moment, me included 😢❤😢❤😢❤❤❤❤❤
“Why don’t you leave “?
Yes People say that.
They also say:
“it’s all in Gods plan”
My Mum didn’t leave my Dad…
She’d say she had nowhere to go, looking back on it - I guess my Mum couldn’t have lived without my Dad -🤷🏻♀️
They did breed though - me and my sister and we are both fuck ups so - makes me wonder what’s the point in life ..
You get it!
@@sherischutzen49
I’m an intelligent yet very stupid survivor - I’ve done it all more than once,
- I can say it’s all true and none of it at the same time - words will kill you or soothe you - 🤷🏻♀️ the same things that destroy you give hope…
Who survives ?
Positive perception will save you but why be saved ?
Would you rather a long life or a happy life ?
The facts of old age are brutal, survive for what and whom, I’m no longer sure what matters and why it does.
Being abused gave me a hollow sadness that left the door open for more abuse and what was once an unfathomable life became my black hole of continuing normal; my reality, it’s amazing what you can get used to, the shit you can take and pain you can endure.
No therapist has ever been able to help me.
I remember seeing the holocaust survivors; as skeletons - but they were smiling at the camera - for their photos, or habit, or doing what we humans do ? Exist until we don’t.
Words are cheap.
Peace of mind, Money and food go a lot further.
All in all I’m beginning to see I’ll never see what I want to see or do what I want to do - and that my friend is a knife edge, so we all get there or are we all sucking on Lolly pops of distraction just to get us from birth to death…?
Trauma is what exactly?
Being born?
I hear you and I've been there. I used to think that way too.. I've been through a lot as well. I experienced all types of abuse growing up and in relationships. Ive been in therapy for years due to the abuse but that is okay, I want to improve my mental and emotional health which helps our physical health too overtime. I started to grasp a different perspective in my healing journey. Life is worth living but we have to find ourselves. Find what brings us peace and joy...in healthy not destructive ways. We have to have boundaries with others so we can make space for the right people and distance from the wrong people. We have to get in-tune with our intuition/gut feeling so we can walk away from unsafe situations and people. We can eventually change the relationship we have with ourselves and trust ourselves to walk away from things/ people that bring us down and to know that we have what it takes to overcome.
In therapy the focus is to unpack all the things that hurt us but we kept to ourselves. Experiences of unspoken abuse gets trapped in the mind and body and wants to be let out, feels good to be heard and our pain validated. You did not deserve the pain that was inflicted on you and that you witnessed as well. You can heal and enjoy life, just takes steps in the right direction like what I mentioned above plus speaking to a qualified person/professional who specializes in ptsd and abuse. I've been through a couple of therapists. Some were better than others, ask for a new one until you find the right fit...whatever feels right to you. Best wishes
@@suefeliciano3194 I am 52. I think if I had my son back then I could recover, there’s no recovery happening though as I’m in it. I have seen therapists - for the rape, subsequent child custody etc - I do t feel any help at all. I cope - and then I don’t it’s a cycle - my son has learnt not to love, everybody who loves you leaves you. To detach he’s learnt to hate and feel abandonment and fear and lack of control - you tell me what is going to happen - - it’s been lives destroyed for mens greed. This will be inherited pain too - you don’t go through this kind of insanity without there being residual pain recognized or hidden it’s there.
@@vanessariley3710 , sending you energy of unconditional love! 🙏
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
Finally Some Real Understanding.
How about changing the question to "What keeps you there?"
I was thinking that too. I also wonder if you ask "What do you need, so you can leave?"
A friend who is also a therapist kept telling me " you know what you should do". And I kept asking what should I do? And he said it again Repeatedly without saying what actually I have to do. He kept saying it "you know what you should do" and few weeks later I was done and i left.
No. Stop trying to be a therapist that you aren't. Just be a friend and listen.
@dorothyobrien7724 I was asked something similar but some need to improve the person/relationship kept me there.
It's the same question. Geez, it's like prying it out of your hands. You just have to ask it. "MUST say the thing!"
I had
Someone say if you’re unhappy get out, as if all of life is about “happy” and there wasn’t really a reason to leave but it felt ignorant and invalidating for the issue I was having. We don’t just break up families. But I also agree never say this to someone in an hard situation especially if the fear for their life and future.
This Dr is very good.
I’m homeless living in my car and everyone keeps asking me if I have a house yet while no one lifts a finger to help. I’m currently looking for my 3 rd job.
And people’s questions just make me want to shut down.
“It’s almost like they are saying, “why don’t you leave homelessness.” And I want to be like, trust me, if I could afford an apartment, I would.
But no one even wants to help. All they want to do is gossip.
Or how bout...."At least he doesn't hit you!"....Implying there's no reason to leave unless your getting physically hurt.
Oh snap! That one hurt! That is so true, I would have preferred a punch instead. The mind bending confusion and tears always salty cheeks. Lost so much time and energy to an ungrateful slob of a man.
@@sherischutzen49 exactly!
"You are better off without him", after you've invested 2-3 decades of your life with said individual and you are still mourning.
'You don't have to stay,' and "It's not your job to fix them."
Ivr been told to leave by everyone i loved tbh they didnt deserve my love after all the best part of my life was leaving all the madness. I use to hate hearing the word leave now i embrace it
I once had a close "friend" of mine tell me to "just stop, you are being so annoying, you need to stop complaining about everything". She then proceeded to ask me "If I report you, you will find something else to complain about", I am so done with these bastards! Sick evil world, pathetic. I punched the wall so hard out of anger, frustration and guilt that I am feeling. Not okay!
Thank You!
Survivor here. Not sure it's disrespectful, people have a generous curiosity. Also sharing may help someone else understand. I never asked and ended up stuck in an abusive relationship.
I would argue you share this. It could help save a life.
Yes!
Thank you taking time to help us stay aware of our actions.
I've unfortunately been the one to ask this to a friend of mine. Partly because she kept finding less than ideal guy to date.
They always ask that!!!! And never say, "how can I help you"!??? UGH 😣😫 its so aggravating 😭💔 they don't understand trauma bonded relationships at all
It’s kinda hard to understand. I’ve been though shit and still understand it.
-Coral T.
I’m glad there’s at least one person in this comment section who mentioned something you SHOULD say because that was totally something I’d ask.
Not to be disrespectful or to try to sound like I’m blaming them, but because I’m GENUINELY curious and worried about why they’d stay in such a shitty relationship. 👁️💧👄💧👁️
they're usually manipulated into staying, even when they know it's not healthy
they're scared of what'll happen after leaving or attempting to leave. it's horrible:(
I just freeze, and I'm completely wrecked for hours when someone says that to me.
We leave when we're done, sometimes it's decades
How about , “What did you do to make him treat you that way” had that one said to me today when I opened up and talked about my former abuser.
Ive done enough WORK to have an answer..yes is does insult me. I consider it A BLESSING that I KNOW why. ❤
Survivor here! That question keeps many victims in the relationship.
SO true. Thanks for sharing / being vulnerable!
Please do more of these. I have no supper and no one even treats me like I have been through anything and I’ve been through more then I just about can take. Especially when I don’t get validated from my family
Can I just ask why? I've been abused and when someone asked me when I was a kid it gave some clarity
Finally someone said this. Thank you
I asked this question to my friend who’s in a abusive relationship, he did. And, he’s never been happier. 🤷🏽♂️
Exactly!
I don't understand what this fuss is all about!
I actually found it affirming and a good question when a dear older woman asked me that question. It helped me to feel validated for my plans to leave. It empowered me to leave because it shifted the question in my mind from whether or not I had sufficient reason to leave to having to see if I had any justification for staying.
So it can come off as critical, unsympathetic, ignorant and possibly accusatory in certain cases as it usually isn’t simple, especially from a victims perspective. I can see how it could be harmful, it might not be that easy, easy to understand or explain unless you can relate and could be a bit like ptsd. It should come from a caring, open and understanding place. We say we all have choices but I’m not sure if it’s that clear cut. I like the alternative in the comments “what keeps you there?”.
I’ve personally been told it a few times and it sort of shuts you down and puts up a wall between you two. Once I was asked what I was doing about it which opened up a dialogue. They were also harsh but tough love made me think about it, my own choices and harmful behaviour.
I’ve often asked this question to my mum cos it seems so obvious and I fiercely want her to be happy and free but I may never understand. She’s too set in her ways and might not accept the problem no matter what. It’s incomprehensible from the outside.
Thank you for the message I love you! ❤❤❤
This makes perfect sense. I am on reddit and some subreddit asked 'what is the most hurtful thing someone has ever said to you?' And my first thought on multiple occasions seeing this question is when my little sister asked me as teen 'why do you allow her to treat you like this?'... i have actually asked myself why do i feel this is the worst thing and i think now its because it mirrors our shame back to us. The shame is the most painful part, i used to make sure not to look in my own eyes when i looked in the mirror, i didnt want to see the shame in myself.
As a trauma survivor and extreme abuse I completely disagree. In fact, that exact question SAVED me.
We don't leave bc we are blessed with patience, understanding, forgiveness and LOVE. I WANT SO BAD for this person to realize they are worthy of love and can live a life outside of their delusion and pain..a life of bliss and happiness..we are only alive for so long then we die. I am so joyous and grateful I get to be alive that I want so badly for others I see suffering, to realize and feel it too..and seeing them suffer and choose to be miserable during this brief life, for reasons or things they could easily face and overcome breaks my heart.
I love this woman alot❤
It's like saying "just be happy" to someone who's depressed
I love it when they tell me what THEY would have/wouldn't have done in that situation. 💩
Thank you Doc. It's complicated.
Thank you ❤️
I would never ask this question bc it is prying into personal life in my opinion. But I could never understand my girlfriend who when injured at some point by her abusive husband and I asked if she wanted to terminate her misery she said yes. So I spend time to find a good divorce lawyer and gave her the name and she was terrified. She said I don't want to leave him. I just want him to stop what he's doing! And I just want to talk but not leave him. He finally divorced her, remarried and had a good life with another woman (quite older then them but very wise and kind). But I still don't get why my girlfriend wanted to be with the abuser.
Honestly, I think the most disrespectful thing to say to a trauma survivor (and believe me, I am one), is "It's really not that big a deal, is it?"
To love is to be human. We have bad concepts about what love is, that's true. But this question is like asking "Why don't you stop existing?"
Yeah because it's so complicated and alot of things are involved it's hard to explain
thank you. sharing has been the realest double edge sword. as if the abuse isnt psinful and crazy making enough.
Dr. Ramnie your the best!!
Disrespect is subjective. Questions get to our subconscious and allows for us to begin the process of reclaiming our power. Hold me accountable PLEASE
Thank you🙏
That is not disrespectful. It is a normal question. Maybe it is not helpful but it is not disrespectful.
I'd blow a gasket if any of my therapists ask that now of all times.
I don’t agree.. and I am a survivor.
My question to the Dr. is: How are we supposed to get a person in a bad relationship out, if we don't have them review the reasons why they stay and why they should go? My mother recently got her sister out of a very long extremely bad relationship. She got my aunt out by talking about her situation and where she could be.
@@johnphantom ask your mother, if you can, or talk to the others who she helped
@@johnphantom there are many shades around every situation that’s why is disrespectful to ask and there are many steps a survivor needs to go through and be supported to be free again…
@@shine9080 So if they complain about their husband beating them, we just sit there and say, "That's nice. What did you have for dinner?" ??
@@johnphantom 👏👏👏
Thank you!!!!
so respectful
Because I have neither the resources nor supports to escape 😢
Why ????
It's the most obvious question for those who don't understand and may offer a different perspective.
This woman is a gem.
Thank you😢😢😢
My dream and prayer, is to understand all aspects of mental health care, for myself, my children, and my marraige of 30 + years, I only recently discovered RUclips and desperation inspired my public testimony on RUclips
The other disrespectful thing people say is why aren’t you over it? As if you can snap your fingers and just move on.
This seems to be the first question I receive upon confiding about my past situation from counselors, friends, and family
Spot on! 👏