@@bizarrenewyorker949 But you don't figure it all out for yourself. Your parents probably taught you how to hold a spoon, to go the toilet. You had teachers who taught you how to read. If you get sick you go to a doctor to work out what medication you need. We are all taking care of each other and learning in small ways everyday. From police and firefighters, entertainers who help us find enjoyment in life, to the people who put stock on shelves in shops and the people who clean up rubbish. They do things for us and society everyday. All of those people from all different backgrounds. Of course they will know things, and be able to do things, and see things that you cannot. They just will. Just like you will know things and see things they will not. Nobody knows and can do everything. Everyday people do things for us, and if they don't we soon get upset or angry. If nobody is sent out to clear up a fallen down tree, or if the shop runs out of the thing you want, if a doctor makes a mistake. We expect other people to do these things for us, and to do them correctly, we don't expect to have to do them ourselves. The idea we are working everything out for ourselves is an illusion. The only stupid idea is that we can do it all alone, or that to ask for help is weakness. Getting support is empowering. Helping others is empowering. Of course if you have friends/family who have made fun of you for asking for help, then that's different. Maybe you need more friends. And there are ways to ask for help, politeness, friendliness, and confidence. Ask for help as you would like it to be asked of you, and show gratitude in the same way. And if they say no, fine, it happens, accept a no in the same way you would like it if you had to say no to someone. And if they are rude and judge you for asking for help that says more about them and their values than you. Those that are afraid to ask for help are holding themselves back. From simple solutions, and being a part of giving and taking that is society. For fear and pride. Nobody does it all alone, nobody knows everything, and we are stronger together. Together we can pool our ideas, skills, knowledge, time, strength, and come up with a really good plan and put it into action. The most successful people, not always but very often have the most amount of support and backing, though you may not see it. Sometimes the people who make the most amount of fun of others for not knowing are those that actually take the most and who perhaps don't want to share, or give back, or for others to find strength. See the rich and wealthy as an example, lol. But just think about it, a good doctor will ask for advice on treating patients when they are stuck or realise they can't work it out themselves. A foolish doctor would not ask for help, not listen to good advice and potentially harm a patient. Who is really the weak one?
This is one of my points, you don't need to look stupid when you ask. A lot of that is how you think you're being perceived, rather than how you actually are. And think about how you frame the request. Rather than 'I don't know how to do this', explain that you would appreciate their feedback on your thoughts or some advice to help you decide the best route.
This is an objective fact: If your parents aren’t capable of being nice or helping purely out of good will, then no one else can. Period. If you can’t trust your parents, you can’t trust strangers.
It's opinion not fact. My parents struggle to even help themselves. but I and many others have had help that has saved me many times, from strangers and friends.
Ugh-how we get in our own way. There are no perfect humans, so it’s illogical to think we would not require help! So grateful my life today is a team sport!
Why We Don't Like to Ask For Help? Asking for help often makes people feel uneasy because it requires surrendering control to someone else. “There are some people who really have a hard time with that piece of it,” she says. Another fear is being perceived as needy. “We don't want to be ashamed of our situation, or come across as incompetent,” she says Is it bad to ask for help? Asking for help and helping can save human lives and can help relationships flourish. Once you experience it from both sides you can actually change your whole perception of it and see it as a positive way to save yourself some unnecessary stress and build a strong relationship with someone else. Why do I struggle to accept help? You may also struggle to accept help if you feel like you don't deserve it. If you struggle with low self-esteem, you might feel guilty for accepting help or worry about imposing on others. This can cause you to bottle up your feelings and endure problems on your own, rather than ask for the help you need.
But the problem for me is that if i ask for help the person im asking for it will automatically expand its chest..like he has done a huge job for me..i dont want that..
Why wouldn't you want people to get pleasure from helping you? That suggests that you might not be surrounding yourself with the right people, or thinking about how to approach relationships from a mutual support and abundance mentality. If we know that asking others for help will make them feel good, that's half the battle won. You're giving them an amazing gift.
I asked my mother for help when I was at my lowest and weakest. She didn't come. She didn't help. She is a lovely person (no really, she is) but she sees me as strong and independent and just left me with words of encouragement. I needed her to come and help me in my postnatal depression. She could have come but opted not to, thinking I would cope. I didn't. It was hard. I hated asking for help before, and I hate it even more now. I am always the first person to volunteer help for others but don't want to ask for it or even accept it for myself.
It always saddens me to read stories like this Anna. I am sorry to hear it and thank you for sharing. Just as many people find it hard to ask for help, others find it hard to offer it. They fear that it might not be welcome, particularly if they see the other person as independent. Or they might not feel that they are qualified or know what to do. The important thing is to not judge her harshly for it (it doesn't sound like you do) or read the wrong things into it. Have you ever discussed how you felt with your Mum? In a way that doesn't make her wrong or make her feel judged in any way (or cause her to judge herself) and focuses instead on how you were feeling and what you needed. I really hope that you can bring yourself to ask for help again in the future. Look at how you phrase your request and how easy you are making it for the other person to support you. Perhaps start with something small and really easy to do.
@ConnectedLeadership thank you for your thoughtful response. I have spoken to her about it, and she said she can't go back in time, but maybe she should have done differently. She reiterated that she sees me as coping really well and it all turned out well in the end. I pointed out to her that when my brother is struggling she will always come running, always travel great distances and spend hours on the phone with him. I don't get the same treatment. I think that struck a nerve and she realised it was true.. he has mental health issues and I don't, generally. So she focuses all her energy on him and breathes a sigh of relief that I don't need her in that capacity. Except I did, and I was sorely disappointed. It took a lot for me to ask for help that one time. I will never ask her again. And I am loathe to ask anyone else for help either. Because if my own mother doesn't show up for me, who will? I just assume no one will. I don't mind asking a professional, should I need it. Like a paid therapist. But I will not ask my friends and family. I'm very blessed to have a wonderful husband, and I do feel I can ask him, but I don't trust anyone else.
@@annacollier3207 it sounds like you had a good conversation with her and she realised that her response needed to be different. Maybe it would be if you asked again. I’m pleased you did have that conversation at least and hope that, in time, you will feel more open to asking again. In the meantime, it’s good that you are open to other options.
I get what you are saying. Your mom not helping even when you asked must have felt like a terrible rejection to process, & perhaps the hurt & the fear of feeling that rejection is still felt now, maybe even embarrassment, tied into a feeling of unfairness where you see others such as your brother getting help a lot more easily. Unfortunately we can become our own worst enemy. If you never ask your mom for help, never ask anyone for help, then it's unsurprising that the one time you did ask for help that person may not realise your need. They are so used to you coping, so used to you being independent. In some ways your mom may have made you this way, how she raised you, wanting you to be independent so she can focus on your brother. But you are now an adult and you choose to continue this behaviour, the biggest responsibility for making changes & getting help when you need it lies you. You have the power, asking for the right help can be very empowering. Think about it, do you want to set this example for you child, do you want to teach them through your actions that it is safe to ask for help sometimes. Or would you want them to be too afraid to ask for help if they were in the same dark place as they want to be strong and independent like you. If you do choose to move forward, I would suggest start small. Keep talking to your mother, not just about how she could have helped in the past, but also small ways that she can help now or in the future. Small ways. Don't leave it to build up again till you're in a crisis & desperate for help, but unable to get it. It's normal that sometimes we ask for help & we don't get it, the other person can't or won't, but if it's the only time we ask for help then it can be hard to see that normal, & instead it can end up feeling like a terrible betrayal & humiliation. And talk to others if you can, let them in. How can you help them, how can they help you. It's far better when it's mutual, balanced, as then nobody has to feel they are a burden or taken advantage of. You can start very small & tell them how you appreciate what they have done, and even think of nice things to do or say as a thank you. The opportunity to thank people for their help can actually be a truly lovely experience. Together we are all stronger. x
I agree and I still wonder because I do ask for help now in one of my worst points in life economically but I can't even find someone to give me a job. I don't know life, God works in mysterious ways perhaps.
Good luck finding a new job and don't let the struggle get you down. Try and make it as easy as possible for people to help you - be really specific about the job you're looking for, thinking about who they know. For example, rather than saying, 'I need a new job', tell them who you want to work for, what specific role you're looking for or who they can introduce you to. I hope that helps.
I hope that this video has helped you. My last book 'Just Ask' focuses more deeply on why it is so important to ask for help and I'd encourage you to look at my other videos here on the topic and consider letting others support you.
Pride can get in the way of our success. Make it part of you and your game and find a way to ask for help. Understand that people like helping other people they like.
Pride comes before a fall. It's why it's counted as one of the 'sins', lol, because it is part of self indulgence. To consider that we would perhaps be somehow weaker by asking for help, even if we think it is ok for others. A group of people together are greater than the sum of their parts. The greatest world changes were often not made by a single individual, but by groups of individuals together, those that supported them behind the scenes, and their work build on the backs of the work of others that came before them. Help and support are a great tools for success, wisdom and power.
Dont matter how much u ask aint no 1 helping and no 1 cares been there heard it before we care but when it comes down to it ur alone so u understand to just ask urself for help.
I’m sorry if that’s your experience to date but the right people, who care about you, will always be there for you. I truly hope that you can find those people.
Facts. Most of these toxic positivity people who recommend you ask for help have extremely cushy lives and have no idea what it's like to have little to no one who is out to get you if you show the littlest vulnerability. Even just saying the words "out to get you" seems absurd. They're out there tho
As with Ibrahim, I am sorry that is your experience. There are good and supportive people out there and I hope you can find someone who can change your view of others. @@johnathanabrams8434
@@ConnectedLeadership I've been on this planet for over 25 years. Looking for supportive people is very risky. In your search for supportive people you'll find more detrimental people. Finding supportive people won't offset the damage incurred by non supportive people
@@johnathanabrams8434 Sadly I can more than double your time on earth! I know it's tough and there is a danger of being hurt. But if we play safe throughout our lives we restrict our capacity and ability to achieve our full potential. If you stop putting yourself out there because of the people who will hurt you, you won't find the people who will build you up. The only ones who win in that scenario are the ones who want to hold you down. This comes from someone who was badly bullied at school but has gone on to enjoy a fairly successful and very fulfilled life with a lot of people who lift me up.
We don't want to be a burden. Don't want to look weak and volnerable. That's it.
Life is a constant struggle between asking for help and looking weak, or not getting help and being useless
Or looking stupid I hate asking for help of anytime because it makes me feel dumb like I'm too stupid to figure it out myself
@@bizarrenewyorker949 But you don't figure it all out for yourself. Your parents probably taught you how to hold a spoon, to go the toilet. You had teachers who taught you how to read. If you get sick you go to a doctor to work out what medication you need. We are all taking care of each other and learning in small ways everyday. From police and firefighters, entertainers who help us find enjoyment in life, to the people who put stock on shelves in shops and the people who clean up rubbish. They do things for us and society everyday. All of those people from all different backgrounds. Of course they will know things, and be able to do things, and see things that you cannot. They just will. Just like you will know things and see things they will not. Nobody knows and can do everything. Everyday people do things for us, and if they don't we soon get upset or angry. If nobody is sent out to clear up a fallen down tree, or if the shop runs out of the thing you want, if a doctor makes a mistake. We expect other people to do these things for us, and to do them correctly, we don't expect to have to do them ourselves. The idea we are working everything out for ourselves is an illusion. The only stupid idea is that we can do it all alone, or that to ask for help is weakness. Getting support is empowering. Helping others is empowering.
Of course if you have friends/family who have made fun of you for asking for help, then that's different. Maybe you need more friends. And there are ways to ask for help, politeness, friendliness, and confidence. Ask for help as you would like it to be asked of you, and show gratitude in the same way. And if they say no, fine, it happens, accept a no in the same way you would like it if you had to say no to someone. And if they are rude and judge you for asking for help that says more about them and their values than you. Those that are afraid to ask for help are holding themselves back. From simple solutions, and being a part of giving and taking that is society. For fear and pride. Nobody does it all alone, nobody knows everything, and we are stronger together. Together we can pool our ideas, skills, knowledge, time, strength, and come up with a really good plan and put it into action. The most successful people, not always but very often have the most amount of support and backing, though you may not see it. Sometimes the people who make the most amount of fun of others for not knowing are those that actually take the most and who perhaps don't want to share, or give back, or for others to find strength. See the rich and wealthy as an example, lol.
But just think about it, a good doctor will ask for advice on treating patients when they are stuck or realise they can't work it out themselves. A foolish doctor would not ask for help, not listen to good advice and potentially harm a patient. Who is really the weak one?
This is one of my points, you don't need to look stupid when you ask. A lot of that is how you think you're being perceived, rather than how you actually are. And think about how you frame the request. Rather than 'I don't know how to do this', explain that you would appreciate their feedback on your thoughts or some advice to help you decide the best route.
Great reply @madhatterline. Thank you for your contribution.
This is an objective fact:
If your parents aren’t capable of being nice or helping purely out of good will, then no one else can. Period.
If you can’t trust your parents, you can’t trust strangers.
definitely can resonate with this
It's opinion not fact. My parents struggle to even help themselves. but I and many others have had help that has saved me many times, from strangers and friends.
Ugh-how we get in our own way. There are no perfect humans, so it’s illogical to think we would not require help! So grateful my life today is a team sport!
Why We Don't Like to Ask For Help?
Asking for help often makes people feel uneasy because it requires surrendering control to someone else. “There are some people who really have a hard time with that piece of it,” she says.
Another fear is being perceived as needy. “We don't want to be ashamed of our situation, or come across as incompetent,” she says
Is it bad to ask for help?
Asking for help and helping can save human lives and can help relationships flourish. Once you experience it from both sides you can actually change your whole perception of it and see it as a positive way to save yourself some unnecessary stress and build a strong relationship with someone else.
Why do I struggle to accept help?
You may also struggle to accept help if you feel like you don't deserve it. If you struggle with low self-esteem, you might feel guilty for accepting help or worry about imposing on others. This can cause you to bottle up your feelings and endure problems on your own, rather than ask for the help you need.
Thank you for a useful perspective, with some important points made.
@@ConnectedLeadership My pleasure, right there are too many points to be aware of ...
So truee
But the problem for me is that if i ask for help the person im asking for it will automatically expand its chest..like he has done a huge job for me..i dont want that..
Why wouldn't you want people to get pleasure from helping you? That suggests that you might not be surrounding yourself with the right people, or thinking about how to approach relationships from a mutual support and abundance mentality.
If we know that asking others for help will make them feel good, that's half the battle won. You're giving them an amazing gift.
@@ConnectedLeadership may be u are right..i need a leap of faith... anyways appreciate ur reply and ur logic to this issue
@@76Abhishek Happy to help and delighted when my videos get people thinking differently.
nice answer ...........
@@ConnectedLeadershipbut what kind of help........?
I asked my mother for help when I was at my lowest and weakest. She didn't come. She didn't help. She is a lovely person (no really, she is) but she sees me as strong and independent and just left me with words of encouragement. I needed her to come and help me in my postnatal depression. She could have come but opted not to, thinking I would cope. I didn't. It was hard. I hated asking for help before, and I hate it even more now. I am always the first person to volunteer help for others but don't want to ask for it or even accept it for myself.
It always saddens me to read stories like this Anna. I am sorry to hear it and thank you for sharing. Just as many people find it hard to ask for help, others find it hard to offer it. They fear that it might not be welcome, particularly if they see the other person as independent. Or they might not feel that they are qualified or know what to do. The important thing is to not judge her harshly for it (it doesn't sound like you do) or read the wrong things into it. Have you ever discussed how you felt with your Mum? In a way that doesn't make her wrong or make her feel judged in any way (or cause her to judge herself) and focuses instead on how you were feeling and what you needed.
I really hope that you can bring yourself to ask for help again in the future. Look at how you phrase your request and how easy you are making it for the other person to support you. Perhaps start with something small and really easy to do.
@ConnectedLeadership thank you for your thoughtful response. I have spoken to her about it, and she said she can't go back in time, but maybe she should have done differently. She reiterated that she sees me as coping really well and it all turned out well in the end. I pointed out to her that when my brother is struggling she will always come running, always travel great distances and spend hours on the phone with him. I don't get the same treatment. I think that struck a nerve and she realised it was true.. he has mental health issues and I don't, generally. So she focuses all her energy on him and breathes a sigh of relief that I don't need her in that capacity. Except I did, and I was sorely disappointed. It took a lot for me to ask for help that one time. I will never ask her again. And I am loathe to ask anyone else for help either. Because if my own mother doesn't show up for me, who will? I just assume no one will. I don't mind asking a professional, should I need it. Like a paid therapist. But I will not ask my friends and family. I'm very blessed to have a wonderful husband, and I do feel I can ask him, but I don't trust anyone else.
@@annacollier3207 it sounds like you had a good conversation with her and she realised that her response needed to be different. Maybe it would be if you asked again. I’m pleased you did have that conversation at least and hope that, in time, you will feel more open to asking again.
In the meantime, it’s good that you are open to other options.
I get what you are saying. Your mom not helping even when you asked must have felt like a terrible rejection to process, & perhaps the hurt & the fear of feeling that rejection is still felt now, maybe even embarrassment, tied into a feeling of unfairness where you see others such as your brother getting help a lot more easily.
Unfortunately we can become our own worst enemy. If you never ask your mom for help, never ask anyone for help, then it's unsurprising that the one time you did ask for help that person may not realise your need. They are so used to you coping, so used to you being independent. In some ways your mom may have made you this way, how she raised you, wanting you to be independent so she can focus on your brother. But you are now an adult and you choose to continue this behaviour, the biggest responsibility for making changes & getting help when you need it lies you. You have the power, asking for the right help can be very empowering. Think about it, do you want to set this example for you child, do you want to teach them through your actions that it is safe to ask for help sometimes. Or would you want them to be too afraid to ask for help if they were in the same dark place as they want to be strong and independent like you.
If you do choose to move forward, I would suggest start small. Keep talking to your mother, not just about how she could have helped in the past, but also small ways that she can help now or in the future. Small ways. Don't leave it to build up again till you're in a crisis & desperate for help, but unable to get it. It's normal that sometimes we ask for help & we don't get it, the other person can't or won't, but if it's the only time we ask for help then it can be hard to see that normal, & instead it can end up feeling like a terrible betrayal & humiliation.
And talk to others if you can, let them in. How can you help them, how can they help you. It's far better when it's mutual, balanced, as then nobody has to feel they are a burden or taken advantage of. You can start very small & tell them how you appreciate what they have done, and even think of nice things to do or say as a thank you. The opportunity to thank people for their help can actually be a truly lovely experience. Together we are all stronger. x
@@madhatterline Great advice!
Facts 💯💯💯💯
I agree and I still wonder because I do ask for help now in one of my worst points in life economically but I can't even find someone to give me a job. I don't know life, God works in mysterious ways perhaps.
Good luck finding a new job and don't let the struggle get you down. Try and make it as easy as possible for people to help you - be really specific about the job you're looking for, thinking about who they know. For example, rather than saying, 'I need a new job', tell them who you want to work for, what specific role you're looking for or who they can introduce you to.
I hope that helps.
I've never been one to ask for help.
I hope that this video has helped you. My last book 'Just Ask' focuses more deeply on why it is so important to ask for help and I'd encourage you to look at my other videos here on the topic and consider letting others support you.
Me too, I'm a DIY
I've learn to have pride and not ask for help because it's just not in me nor my game
Pride can get in the way of our success. Make it part of you and your game and find a way to ask for help. Understand that people like helping other people they like.
Pride comes before a fall. It's why it's counted as one of the 'sins', lol, because it is part of self indulgence. To consider that we would perhaps be somehow weaker by asking for help, even if we think it is ok for others. A group of people together are greater than the sum of their parts. The greatest world changes were often not made by a single individual, but by groups of individuals together, those that supported them behind the scenes, and their work build on the backs of the work of others that came before them. Help and support are a great tools for success, wisdom and power.
Dont matter how much u ask aint no 1 helping and no 1 cares been there heard it before we care but when it comes down to it ur alone so u understand to just ask urself for help.
I’m sorry if that’s your experience to date but the right people, who care about you, will always be there for you. I truly hope that you can find those people.
Facts. Most of these toxic positivity people who recommend you ask for help have extremely cushy lives and have no idea what it's like to have little to no one who is out to get you if you show the littlest vulnerability.
Even just saying the words "out to get you" seems absurd. They're out there tho
As with Ibrahim, I am sorry that is your experience. There are good and supportive people out there and I hope you can find someone who can change your view of others. @@johnathanabrams8434
@@ConnectedLeadership I've been on this planet for over 25 years. Looking for supportive people is very risky. In your search for supportive people you'll find more detrimental people. Finding supportive people won't offset the damage incurred by non supportive people
@@johnathanabrams8434 Sadly I can more than double your time on earth! I know it's tough and there is a danger of being hurt. But if we play safe throughout our lives we restrict our capacity and ability to achieve our full potential. If you stop putting yourself out there because of the people who will hurt you, you won't find the people who will build you up. The only ones who win in that scenario are the ones who want to hold you down.
This comes from someone who was badly bullied at school but has gone on to enjoy a fairly successful and very fulfilled life with a lot of people who lift me up.