Heal The "Dark Cloud" That Keeps Others From Accepting or Respecting You
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- Опубликовано: 5 ноя 2023
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There’s a thing you might be doing that makes it very hard to heal from past trauma - and it’s when you’re thinking, eating and breathing a damaged idea of yourself. Even though you’re not conscious you’re doing it, you’re signaling to people your low self esteem. That hurts your ability to have positive relationships, and that, in turn, makes it harder to heal. In this video I teach the ways you may be consciously signaling that you don't accept or respect yourself, and what to do to begin healing.
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It's bad enough we don't know why we are like this, but it only gets compounded when we do it to ourselves and destroy any hope of obtaining the connections we desperately need in life. Such a horrible cycle we are spun up into, it never ends. What gives me hope is hearing Anna explain it to us, it can be understood and overcome with focused attention to the causes.
What would this world be like without Anna Runkle? Where would we be if she was hiding and unable to live out who she really is? While I would never wish this on anyone, if there is something good to come out of our suffering, it is imperative we all find healing so we can take our rightful places in this world and bring joy and happiness instead of pain and misery. As a woman, she brings her greatest strengths to nurture us in our pain and she is amazing. Thank you Anna for sharing yourself with us, you could just as easily keep things to yourself. I am so proud of her for overcoming her CPTSD to bring her authentic self to the table and make a difference. We can do it folks, I know I can do it, but it is so very difficult to overcome a lifetime of habitual living you are completely unaware of.
Thank you so much for this extraordinarily kind comment. I'm saving it. You've made my day.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I am so glad it encouraged you, that was my intent. What makes it special to me is that it is authentic and true, and I can say it openly with no concern for negative comments that determine my worth or fear you won't like me. Hahahaha, we are a messed up lot, but we love deeply. You help me immensely with my childhood CPTSD and I lean on Dr. Ramani for my 47 year marital CPTSD. So, I guess I got a double whammy. I watch you a lot, each video you post is living proof healing is possible. You keep me going, sometimes I get it the second time around. It was YOU who helped me see the limerent pit I was in Ms Crappy Childhood Fairy. Hahaha, we can never underestimate the good that God can bring about from the wreckage of the lies of those who should know better. I earned my empathy the hard way, if I could just get to the real me I could give it away for real. If you'd like a topic to cover, I have a doozy for ya. What does it feel like to be genuinely loved for who you are and how do you know? I am afraid I have never experienced that in my life, so I honestly don't even know what it means to genuinely love myself. How can I experience human connection if I can't connect with my real self? The root wound of the limerent shackle still attached to my ankle is known. It is the BIG ONE and I don't know how to meet that need now that I have to mommy myself. But how would I know? The only thing I don't like about me is this never ending discovery of yet something else to overcome. I think I have connected to my therapist, but other than that I am a loner. But you get it, you really, really do. Knowing someone understands is very comforting to someone who has never been heard. It is a major accomplishment to even articulate this chaos.
We need some CPTSD jokes. What happens when a CPTSD survivor finds his voice after never being heard? He writes LONG posts!
@@desertcrab6331 I like this channel as well, but I highly recommend the 'Faster EFT' channel with Robert Smith. He has a rather odd approach, claiming that 'memories aren't real'. That of course sounds ridiculous, but his main point is that -- yes, 'this' or 'that' trauma happened, but it was years or decades ago. Why do we still feel so hurt, so abandoned, etc.? Because we're now doing it to ourselves. We're abandoning ourselves, not loving ourselves, etc.. He gets people to change those old memories, by creating new ones, so that the brain, and thus, the mind and eventually the body truly believes and trusts that we are no longer stuck in the past, that the world is safe, that we're safe, and we're okay just being ourselves. Hope that is helpful...
yes
Remember three things:
You are enough
You have always been enough
You always will be enough
Thanks for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Pat from SNl
No. I am not enough. I don't do enough. I am not dependable.
That is OK to know, but NOT ok to stew in. I CAN be enough. I CAN do "enough". I CAN be dependable.
@@joyhappiness ty. Toxic positivity on sterioda
Enough years of failure, rejection and letting people down will inevitably erode such thoughts, unless your brain lives in fantasy land
It blew my mind to hear that being chronically late and misjudging the time it takes to get ready in the morning is literally brain dysregulation. All these years I've been so ashamed of myself that I can't seem to do something as simple as leave on time, and now it makes sense. Every time I listen to your channel, I feel like you know me 👏😭👏
This was mind blowing. But it’s what I’ve felt for so long - like I just don’t know how to conceptualize time. Like I have time dyslexia. The idea of it being dysregulation is fascinating…
I have so much rage that I have to heal so other people can basically respect me and listen to me.
@@lovelover4408In the ADHD literature, it is called time blindness. I have had it all my life.
Thats what gave me my Adhd diagnos but actually come from my mom never teaching us that stuff, because of her never getting any attention from her buissy mom being emotionally neglectfull because of her alkoholic unfaithfull somethimes abusive husband, my granpa. My mothers brothers got in to drugs after first being early introduced to alkohol, the drugs destroid their and their children life. One of my three cousins I have some contact with and he has GAD or depression. My mothers brothers died to young because of their drugs. My mother married to Young and then was divorced at 25 someting with zero support from her former husband or her parents, she then put the kids in childsupport. Then my mother remarried but had trouble with gambling for money, and being a horder etc. Often defensive and getting in to arguments with people, had few close friend. I lived a sort of normal life compared to hers but still not normal and grow up with social fobia and Low self-esteem, Walking on egg shell with my moms temper. My parents often talked about divorce but never did. I Got in to bad relationship with men as younger. Got kids and family in a sort of better relationship but still having super low self-esteem being such an nice but anoying peoplepleaser. Also being kind of an horder and making bad economical desitions but not as af as my moms. Also have few close friends because of me having trust issues in people and some kind of cptsd nervoussness. My eldest Child also having symtoms om shyness and ’adhd’ but i think it all come from. Chaos around US sadly get chaos the head. But if we have this attention to it we can make something about it. Now I’m 43 and still got a long way to go. Recently got an degree, and education to be able to support my children ecomical, but also want to support emotionally of course, and I still having a long way to go with my emotionally self improwment. Maby leaving my husband who is not totally emotionally supportive. I Will make the improwment I can at least and hope you to do what you need for we are worth feeling fine, balanced and relaxed ❤️🌟✔️💪😊
The more I learn about these things the more I think disorders like adhd are just another manifestation of dysregulation through trauma. Of course things such as toxicity and how it affects our brains also plays into that.
Low self esteem will attract predators. Do background checks!!!!
True. I always attracted bullies as a youngster. I thought that I was cursed in some way.
@@catherinebirch2399
It’s been great to have stronger boundaries, get uplifted by the advice and to not give up on finding friends who aren’t dangerous !
Bullies will lower your self-esteem even further.
I would as far to say that low self esteem doesn't allow us to choose healthy people because we were not ATTRACTED to healthy people😮
@@SinaLaJuanaLewis why so?
Anxiety is all I've ever known, started as a child and colored my world. I have no idea about what it would feel like to be without it.
It's exhausting, though. It's that invisible companion.
Yes, indeed. It was a daily experience doled out like breakfast. I can't remember a time when I did not feel it.
I hear you. Daily Practice (a free course) can be a good first step. It is a great way to process fears and resentment. You can try it free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
I feel you! I have had daily anxiety much of my life and never recognized that until right now. Two of my 4 kids have it. Maybe all four of them.
Same here, and I bet the colour is the same as mine, but we're in polite company for me to say it...
You will never be enough for some people....because their expectations are so unreasonable.
Naw because they’re not enough for themselves.
Like American fee mails
My husband 😢
Expectations are by definition something someone just up and sets, at the level.of their choosing - unless explicitly negotiated between parties. Some people deliberately set it high as means to exert pressure - suddenly it's *your* fault for not meeting expectations *tbey* made.
Negotiate all expectations with your clients, loved ones, self. Any other expectations, incl & esp implied ones, explicitly say hereby must cease to exist.
What helps me: take in lots of healthy food, vitamins, nutritional powders. Stop ingesting soda, sugar, junk food. When you feel better, you act better.
When I lose concentration and focus, I tell myself to just do the routine, one step at a time. You know what to do. You have a watch. You know what time it is. Start with plenty of time and put one foot in front of the other. Step 1, 2, 3, 4. Do the same routine every time. Don’t think about it, just do it.
I read the Bible every morning. I won’t leave the house without reading it. The Bible is healing and protective. It also gives you a clear head about what God likes and doesn’t like. Nothing got my head together more than reading the Bible and focusing on what God likes. Avoid what he doesn’t like.
Stop ingesting negative media. Horror, murder, crime, war, news, things that distress you. If you can eliminate it, eliminate it. Take in soothing sounds and ideas.
Great routine! I do exactly all the same things you do. Time w God in the morning is very important!
Good@@marygold2418
Time with God regulates my nervous system.. a must before starting my day in this world.
What I concerning is if people use Jesus Christ as a leader then using science a tool. It’s going to be amazing.
I will start back reading my Bible. Thank you.
I'm naturally quiet which makes people think they can disrespect me but I correct them on that. And I'm not changing myself for anyone.
Same
This is also me. I’m not as spineless as I appear! I’m quite observant, I know how to call people out to their core. I see through them.
Same issue here. The most valuable thing Ive learned is that not everything requires a response. Barring things dangerous and potentially escalating, Sometimes I just won't respond to idiotic things said to me and Ill let them decide if whatever they said hung stupidly enough in the air.
Our cptsd heightened awareness that once overwhelmed us is now an instrument of inner strength and resilience. I can see through the behaviour of others, I am aware of their 'why', and if it's crossing the line, if it's an attempt at harming me in some way, we'll, cold silence with eye contact or some well chosen words tend to stop that shit rather well. Perplexes me why some just can't accept meeting nice friendly people, they have to play power dominance games. I know it's their fear but geez it can be tiring.
I'm 6'2 and 125kg, so that can be intimidating obviously but I don't use it to be. Teddy bear 🤦😂
Same here, quiet and introverted by nature but will speak up for myself when people try to push me around, I don't let people cross my boundaries, I am never aggressive and never need to shout but when I bite people are surprised when I firmly stand up for myself, they don't expect it!
I have no desire to "impress" people who have no compassion.
Yeh, decent people won't judge you for having low self-esteem ❤️
@@charlottetaylor4471I find many people mistake my LSE as something unpleasant, like arrogance or rage.
@@charlottetaylor4471That's why I never tried to change to fit in, even when I was ridiculized for not swearing, not watching reality shows, being emotional and being nerd back than. In highschool, where the nerds were majority, I felt like I belonged without trying. Fitting in is the opposite of belonging. And the most important thing-you need to move forward even when you don't feel like it. Meet the Robinsons is the cartoon with those messages I would recommend to even adults.
Agreed. I don't withhold respect or acceptance for something as shallow as low self-esteem, and I wouldn't want to be around people who do that either. Shallow and cold-blooded.
People don't owe us compassion for non-performance (if you disagree, try hiring some). However, expectations must be explicitly negotiated, and "impressing" is setting those low enough to where you can over-deliver by a small margin *consistently*. (Not by a huge margin once in a blue moon - rare big "surprise" successes have no commercial value, it's not a lottery).
00:00 🌥 Past trauma can lead to a damaging self-image that affects relationships and hinders healing.
02:15 🐶 Nonverbal cues and nervous system signals communicate our emotional state, even if we try to hide it.
05:33 🔄 Changing small aspects of your life can significantly improve self-esteem and aid in healing.
07:04 🔑 You hold the key to healing your self-esteem, not others who may have caused past trauma.
09:59 🔄 Focus on actions and behaviors to improve self-perception and break the cycle of negative emotions.
@dameanvil
Thank you for taking the time & effort to create a time-stamp list of sections from the video!!
Added section @6:00:
3 things going on in taking on the role of "underdog":
1) Bad Habits
2) Faulty Decisions
3) Distorted Perceptions
Much appreciated ❤❤❤
Thanks for outlining this complete lack of substance video, no measurable techniques or solutions. Thanks for outlining to reveal that so succinctly. The speaker could learn something from you.
@@ajnadey7173 I think that is a harsh comment, to put it mildly.
@@dameanvilI agree with that comment. Within seconds, I put it on the fastest speed. Babble babble babble
My healing came in my early twenties (I'm 70 now), after a terrible childhood and chaotic teen years. One day, I happened to notice a fashion magazine, of all things, that featured on the cover a girl who looked somewhat like me. Something just clicked in my brain at that moment, and a plan occured to me. I would shed my dowdy wardrobe and shop for some fashionable clothes. It was a small thing, but change began there with that magazine photo. Many years later I see my life as a series of small changes that all helped me heal. To those suffering low self esteem I say: Find one thing that you do well. It could be something as small as cooking a great meal, but it must be something you truly enjoy. Focus on that thing and keep practicing until you become really good at it. This will build your confidence, and then you can begin sharing your expertise with others. Nothing works to build self esteem better than working toward a goal and succeeding. I hope this helps someone.
Thank you for sharing your insight with us!
Nika@TeamFairy
Great advice, thank you!
I know working on my bachelor's degree helped me keep off the negative emotions as I got prize for it, so I can attest it works.
I was a career woman running teams of people, 3 degrees, caring husband... the outside was a picture of success, but the neuro side of the trauma kept rearing its head and took it all. I spent years as a homeless vet. Even doctors wouldn't listen, it took 23 years to get where I am today 😢😮😂🎉❤
This is so real. I wake up sometimes 40 minutes before my alarm goes off, in a cold sweat of dread and anxiety, even though I know I have plenty of time to get ready. But instead of just getting up and using that extra time productively, I stay in bed and sometimes that even leads to me getting out of bed later than I should and then having to rush to get to work on time. It's clearly dysregulation, and it's crazy.
We understand as few others can. You're in the right place! -Calista@TeamFairy
I had exactly this set of symptoms diagnosed as ADHD-PI.
Are you guys sure you're not confusing C-PTSD with it? (or are we doing polyvagal theory here)
@@SuspiriaX I haven't had an official diagnosis, but I am certain I am Autistic too. The difference is that people are born with Autism, while CPSTD is developed through trauma. There are many overlapping symptoms, but in my opinion, after researching both, I do think they are two very different things. My issue is I have to deal with both!
I cannot seem to connect to anyone.
Most people stay away from me. I remember I took a class and a couple girls sat at my table and left within 5 minutes to sit somewhere else. I have always felt inferior. My parents made me feel inferior and then my mom has the nerve to say you have always had an inferior complex. Yeah thanks to them! I can’t even stick up for myself. I know I tried when I was little and got the shit beat out of me.
Thats sounds incredibly hard. I'm so glad you're here now, we're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
People usually don't sit next to me if they can help it.
I can't connect to anyone either, lonely life .
Not sure what your belief system is, but some of us are born with a spirit of rejection. Just something to look into.
Sending you a big hug❤
If other people don’t accept or respect you, that’s on them. It’s nothing you made them do. Other people are responsible for their own behavior.
I agree. Come on here to say the same thing. I still struggle but the three people in my life are respectful and loving and kind. They are that way. Anybody who shows different are out so fast.
@@lotus1716 You are aiming at the wrong target. Narcisists have ZERO problems being wanted, loved and acepted by people. They often gater fans and admires wherever they go, despite being nasty - they easily glide through our psicopatic social system with excelent results.
People that have a hard time being acepted are often the most sensible and nice people, that have a hard time being phony or trying to fit in our unfair systems.
@@stefanisilva2493those are grandiose narcissists. Not all narcs are grandiose.
@@Nick_Taylor. And not all people asking for aceptance are narcs. That's the point.
The people that you are describing are very rare, those individuals are highly in tune with themselves and can project accordingly to any type of person. Unfortunately most people are reactive, and will be a mirror to the person that YOU are projecting.
This was right on time. Sometimes I think I slip into denial about how much my CPTSD impacts my life. I recently lost my car just a couple weeks after changing my daughter’s school to (hopefully) have a better experience. Since I don’t have my car, I’ve been on the bus & struggling to keep all the things the same about my life (even though I now have to factor in sometimes up to 3.5-4 hours on the bus if they’re late). My kiddo has been late nearly daily, if we make it (in the snow I’ve turned back a couple times). I’ve noticed how the other parents look at me & had grown resentful. I’m the only black parent in the class, the only only parent in all the grade, can I get a break?! 😂 I really reached a tipping point today & decided I wasn’t going to offer any “energy” or light to anyone if I was going to be judged. But this video made me consider how many times I’ve talked about my circumstances at off moments, over-shared bits of info to see if ppl care, and really just made myself the underdog. All my circumstances aren’t my fault but there are changes I personally can make to relieve some of my stress & maybe lighten that cloud a bit. Ty for the reminder 🙏🏾
I understand truly!!
Sending Jedi hugs your way. You're a shining example to your daughter. 🙂🖐️
Good luck to you that things will fall into place and get easier for you. You are a champ for finding solutions!
Hugs to you allisonbutler. And big kudos to you for finding solutions, even when they're really hard!!
Hang in there!!!!👍💪🤞🙏❤️
I'm not ready for this video. At 40 I just realized my Dad is a narcissist and I've been the scapegoat all these years. Personally I don't care if people don't like my energy. I don't like their judgement of my energy.
Decent people will not judge you for having low self-esteem ❤️
Exactly. This video is invalidating and stupid.
hahaha i like that mentality. “i dont care if people dont like my energy… well i dont like your judgement.” flaw proof.
Maybe your Energy is Trash. And ofcourse, why would YOU care.... heh
@@arkoarko9559you belong here
My being down about myself more often than I thought pushed people away. I was always told, "You are always so negative." "You are always putting yourself down."
It also made me an easy mark for people that wanted to take advantage of me.
I hear you. If you haven't already, try Anna's Daily Practice. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
I'm sorry that was your experience. 🫂
I have said the same things to my partner, and I know he struggles with low self-esteem, as do I. Truth be told, it feels like a lifelong process of rooting out the negative thoughts we tell ourselves that perpetuate a negative mindset.
I thought about writing more, but I didn't want your comment to become a dumping ground for my feelings.
I just want you to know that I have been on the other side of that situation and probably on the receiving end too, though I can't remember it for sure. Your comment became a writing prompt for my journal today, so thank you. 💖
It’s a lifelong journey as well. Stay strong!
I was told that I was negative and gave off bad vibes. I'm sure that bullying at home and.at school during my teens is responsible.
I am so sorry. I have always felt that I had some mark that people could see on my body , but I couldn't that set me apart from others. I am constantly be told that my tone is harsh , or I am too tightly strung.
No words were truer - don’t give away your personal power by relying on other people to make things alright. A tough thing to accomplish for me because I came from a physically abusive home where I was frequently terrified of being severely beaten, or enduring the screams of my brother and sister being savaged. My safety and well being were always enmeshed with the adults in the house. To this day I shake when others are angry. But, I am working on it.
~I am so sorry you had to live through that!~I admire you for working to get beyond it!~♡~
Thank you for watching and sharing your experience with us. One good tool to help with getting regulated is the Daily Practice. You can try it in the free course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
It's like others have a sixth sense for detecting that all is not well in my world, and they can't get away from me fast enough! I don't expect anyone to want to take the time to get to know me and spend quality time with me. My default position is to expect nothing but rejection and dismissal, and I just kind of silently and solemnly accept it and deal with it.
We absolutely understand. Trauma-driven thinking can be discouraging. But never forget: Healing is possible! Daily Practice (a free course) can be a good first step. If you want to go deeper, Anna has a whole course on Healing Childhood PTSD.
Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD
Nika@TeamFairy
Im tired of my meek, mild stuttery persona I fall into at work because I feel overwhelmed and ashamed at work. It's embarrassing and makes others uncomfortable. All due to my low self esteem.
Thank you for watching. One good tool to help with getting regulated is the Daily Practice. You can try it in the free course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
Are you female?
Same here. But I have enough saving and I am working on my self. Low self esteem needs alone time to just figure out yourself a little bit deeper.
You might be depressed
Blah. That sounds all too familiar..
Is this why people just mid-sentence talk over me? It's like my speaking is the same as dead air. Like I'm not even there.😂
it happens to me I read somewhere it has to do with our intonnation
Me too! I am blown away!
OMG. That happens to me all the time at work. I called my manager on it one time. He said I was disengaged and never give any input to meetings. I told him because he would speak over me like my input was not important enough.
Oh, my gosh! This happens to me a lot! Especially if we are in a group of friends somewhere. I get to the point where I just stop talking and just listen. 😔
Omg!!! Yes! I grew up wondering if I was actually invisible. People still do that ...😢
Sometimes when I'm very obviously going into deregulation I'll chant to myself, Stay in the front of your brain! And sometimes it helps me to get a grip on myself enough to manage the situation. A modicum of success. I'm owning that.
I say something similar to myself, too!
Interesting word choice.
What are the signs that tell you you’re going into dysregulation? I’m not sure I pick up on it other than in hindsight. I do notice sometimes when I’m spinning/derealizing/depersonalising but it’s too late and I’m in it by then. By then it’s unrealistic for me to think I’m going to implement strategies at that point. So I’d be interested to know if there are early signs that you pick up on.
I like it!!
Very cool!
Well I recently learned that people who have been abused by narcissists often become agoraphobic, and this was definitely true for me after moving away from narcissistic parents. My late teens and twenties really sucked. Leaving the house without anxiety-still, decades later, is a major, ongoing goal for me.
Very interesting. Thank you for sharing with us.
Nika@TeamFairy
That is crazy, when i was with the father of my kids (he wasn't good to us) I got agoraphobia out of nowhere. It lasted years!! I still get the thoughts but I can over come it. Mad! 😮
I was about 12 yrs old with my father and mother on a trip to the city for something. I can’t recall why - but we were stopped and my mother was temporarily out of the car. I desperately wanted my mothers affection. At some point I spotted a man selling flowers on the street corner. I had a little money and quietly asked my father if I could buy some flowers to give to my mother in an attempt to make her like me. My father then started yelling and screeching at me in his typical way that I knew so well - “don’t do that - why do you want to do that? She doesn’t want that from you”. I sat back in the seat - realizing I had no way out. I was doomed and had no hope. and it only got worse from there.
Damn, that sucks. Adults are not plugged into their kids. I'm sorry that happened to you.
What also helps me to feel more confident and come across more confident is to adress others by their names.
Thank you. That is helpful and do-able. ✌🏻
I. Have. Never. Felt. So. Seen. Wow.
I have literally been called the “dark cloud” by my family all throughout my childhood into my teens and now into my adulthood. The scary thing is, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten better at faking it. I can remember vivid moments of just wanting to cry or scream, or feeling extremely insecure, but because I was surrounded by people, my family usually, I had to act “okay” and “happy” so that I was “pleasant” to be around. When all I wanted to do was cry and be held. I wish I could just go back and let myself cry in those moments, and ask for a hug. But I just never felt safe to do that with any of my parents or siblings. As I’ve gotten older, I cry so easily now. At a video, or story. And I realized it’s cuz I’ve never really let myself cry and feel any “negative” emotions. I always felt so much shame and guilt for ever feeling negative. But now that I’m older, I can’t really hold it in anymore and I’ve been forced to cry and “let it out” when these emotions have come up. And it’s been extremely healing. And I will continue to do it. What I really need to work on, is just simply telling people when I’m getting emotional flashbacks or having negative emotions arise, and that I just need to step aside for a few moments and let myself feel it and then I’ll be good. It takes SOOO much more effort to “pretend” like I’m okay, when I could just take a few moments to feel whatever it is I’m feeling and let it pass and then I’m seriously fine. It’s amazing what “feeling your emotions” can do.
Glad for your healing!
God, is there ever an END? There seems to always be some past trauma, that shows up... I'm so over it! 😮
I feel you😢❤❤❤me too
People who get up everyday with you on their agenda have severe trauma that they will unfortunately never END. Help them keep that light where they crave it the most, on themselves ✌🏽 not ya problem
68 years old and she is telling the story of my life.
I've had that dark cloud my whole life. I was starting to pull out of it, then the Covid Lockdowns hit, and I gradually slipped back into it. This past year has been difficult to pull out of it. What really sucks is when the dissociation kick in and you're just not aware of it until someone else points it out. I had no idea how childhood trauma and especially neglect in my case had been affecting me my whole life until a couple of years ago when a friend specifically mentioned it.
I’m not sure if I suffered neglect as a small child but what I do know is that my mother was emotionally cold and that I’ve experienced anxiety and low self esteem my whole life . My sister suffers the same and my brother took his life . Often feel anxious in social situations and have self sabotaged in jobs and relationships. I’m nearly 60 and only now considering counselling. Listening to your videos helps me to understand some of the feelings that I have and responses I make in different situations. Thank you.
So sorry for all you've been through. I'm glad you're here!
It's very sad. The unhealed wounds of our parents are passed on. See those unhealed wounds for what they are and work on. your own healing. In your parents generation, it was probably normal to internalize the wounds and soldier on with the obligations of life, blind to the effect of how those unhealed wounds were hurting others.
@bfcfan2739 You are describing Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). It is a serious problem because it isn't obvious. If you were fed, clothed, educated, you assumed you had all your needs(outer world needs) met when in fact equally important needs fall under the heading of emotional needs (inner world needs). Meeting emotional needs means you were seen and validated as mattering for who you are. You were listened to. Your input on what happened to you mattered. It does not mean you were catered to and every desire, whim responded to. For example, you come home from school. No one asks you how your day was. They never ask you how your day was. You don't even know you could have something you need to discuss about what your daily experiences are like. It isn't that whatever happened at school is a big thing. It is that you never learn how to process life in relationship to who you are. You could even be in the wrong about what happened at school. If you didn't have an adult who realized their job ( a response that comes out of a deep interest in you) is to help you learn to negotiate life's every day occurrences, to put them into perspective, to learn how to categorize and respond, to self-soothe, how to deal with conflict, to realize what is worth a response and what isn't, etc., etc., how do you develop the skills and resiliency to deal with adult life when it gets a lot more complicated? More importantly, how do you realize you matter if your parent acts as if you don't matter? CEN is only now being recognized as an important factor in our development. It doesn't mean your parent didn't love you. However, it sure leaves you wondering if you were loved and in some of our situations, it suggests we were more of a burden to our parents than someone dearly treasured. We were burden obligations. Our parents, in taking care of the basics of food (the outer world), etc. felt they were doing right. I am grateful that they fulfilled that component of their responsibility to me, I needed someone to be interested in my inner world. They thought taking care of my outer world was enough. It wasn't. I have not been able to determine if my parents were just ignorant (emotionally immature) about children and their emotional development but loved me or if they were just operating off an obligation society taught them they had. In the latter situation, such parents probably reveal their true feelings about their children when the kids are adults.
Ok that sounds like I’ve def been affected by CEN.
It just seems very hard to diagnose bc most ppl can’t even remember their childhood that well. And then if u bring it up to ur parents they migh argue against it and say they did take Care of u etc. But if ur parents had a tough childhood with neglect and didn’t do anything to heal u can be almost certain they will also neglect u in some form. It almost seems to me like all of us are neglected to some degree bc humanity is just so deeply traumatised … might be a distorted perception of mine, not sure. I just feel like the depths of my feelings can never be truly seen and understood by others and thus a part of me always remains hidden and this is probably the greatest reason for my loneliness.
Wow!!!! I just KNEW that my inability to get ANYWHERE on time, despite my heart's desire to do so wasn't just me being whatever you call folk like me. The stress EVERY SINGLE DAY to get to work, to get to church, to get to a family member's house, a party, etc. Every single time. 😫😭
I knew there had to be more to it. I know I have CPTSD, there's no doubt in my mind. It's an exhaustingly overwhelming existence, I tell ya!
37 and working towards getting better as much as I can bring myself to do, with the Lord's help.
My prayers for everyone in the same boat. I know not everyone believes, but, I do- I keep reminding myself that Jesus is the Captain of my boat and I need not be afraid, or fear, for He is in control and I can trust Him to heal all of my wounds and grant me His peace that surpasses all understanding. ❤
It could be ADHD
@@BarbaraM-lv7pe 🤔Interesting... I've never gotten that from anyone.
It's amazing and you can heal this, so it isn't emotion (stress) making you always late, but rational (decisions) so you can show up on time. It's hard work to plan everything out ahead of time, and stick to the plan, but it's good work.
“Ashamed for being ashamed” yup! 😂
It's the over confident people I'm more likely to disrespect. People who are dismissive of those with low self esteem have little understanding of human nature and are probably cold.
You are such a compassionate, tireless worker for individual healing and mental/emotional health. I love how you break everything down into small bite-sized, managable pieces that can be looked at, considered and a plan enacted to calm the reactive nervous system down to level out and not spin out of control and being at the mercy of our trauma and wounds. KEEP DOING YOUR VIDEOS!!!! You are a God-send to people who can not afford the luxury of one-on-one counseling and therapy.
Or who can’t find a wise one
I'm starting to find this frustrating. All I do is watch videos. My life is such, I am pretty much hermit, and this sort of stuff is all that there is. To be honest, It's not working for me. Staring at a video screen, or reading text does not provide the human connection I know I need. but it seems our society has changed so much, many of us are at a loss for where to go or what to do for actual in person contact with others. Society has become so disconnected and atomized, most of us just staring at video screens, or reading text, trying to pretend we are with a human.
I feel trapped in this digital void, alone. But going out int he world again, and dealing with all of that, alone, is too much. things are just not good out there anymore.
...sigh.
Just a face on a video screen, unable to interact. Just more tv. bla, bla, means nothing to me if it's not coming from another human in the room with me.
@@peterbelanger4094This is an issue that not many people seem to be talking about (that I'm aware of).
Keep in mind that these kinds of videos (I'm speaking generally now), while they may offer some legitimate advice and assistance, are often just another income stream for their producers. So while you continue to consume their content with little to no practical benefit to yourself, you are still benefiting them practically by helping to pay their bills. (Again, I'm speaking generally, not having a dig at this channel in particular.) Unfortunately this has the potential to be a win-lose situation.
I'm sorry that I can't help you in any practical way. All I can do is pray that you can find the human connection you need. 🙏
One of the best books I ever read opened with a passage something like: The answer is not in this book. The answer is already inside of you. Stop looking for the answer where it is not.
We are all damaged in the context of our interpersonal relationships. That is also where our healing lies. No amount of positive videos will substitute effectively for actual humans in your life.
I know it sounds impossible. But it's what we have to do to heal. Identify and bond with healthy people. There is no other way.
@@peterbelanger4094 You should find an in person therapist
This 'dark cloud' forms a huge part in my healing. Its where I am stuck. I can sense that people - shop assistants, bank tellers, sales people, colleagues and family, can see my dark cloud. When I am out with my husband shopping for example, sometimes people only talk to him and don't even look at me.. sometimes they will say something off-hand to me, something not quite rude, but 'off' that I know for sure they wouldn't say to my husband. Some people are kind, but most can be rude when they see the dark cloud - as I think it allows them some relief to 'bully' me however brief the encounter. I joke with my husband that I have some sort of sign on my forehead. He tells me its not me - these people (shop assistants, etc) don't even know me so how can they dislike me? But yet they can be so rude to me. I try to be light and open and smiley and generous and kind, but sometimes there is a glance before I have even opened my mouth. The thing is, I am overweight and at the moment look a bit scruffy as I don't want to buy 'fat' clothes. I underestimate the fact that people can see my poor habits & actions because I literally wear it (my excess weight from being dysregulated, directing my poor choices) for everyone to see. Re-regulation is where is starts then. Thank you for contextualising this for me, making it real, and something I can take action on. x
You know, it isn’t just that people can tell you’re down. Often, it comes across as unfriendly.
I was in my twenties when my father told me that every time I have to call an institution, agency or whatever, or even a shop, I sound unfriendly. I had no idea, because my only feeling was anxiety. As a result, people were really unkind to me in return and I didn’t know why.
Now I make sure I’m nice to the other person on the line rather than guarded, and I get treated so much better.
@@i.ehrenfest349 I thought about this. My brother once made a comment, 'it's probably you'....which although I disagree with, I did think about - and changed my behaviour as a result. I tried to be more upbeat - but actually think that even went the opposite way - I was too much! Like a big, daft Labrador that everyone could see just wanted a friend! Anyhow, I will keep trying with different approaches. Thank you for your response.
I actually lose friends because they have the low self-esteem and wish to continue on that way. For the people with high self-esteem, did you ever hear the golden rule? 'Love your neighbor as yourself'? This means everyone. Love to All.
Too bad we can’t get 90% of people to understand or comply. Sift out the liars, manipulators,selfish, & it leaves about 10%.
I’ve had this since I was very young. I grew up in a high stress, alcoholic household. I bet other kids could sense it. It made school and later on, the workplace, difficult for me. I’m relieved I’m retired now, but still feel I’ve got the dark cloud.
We understand as few others can, you're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
this had been a major struggle. i had a resting angry face. for good reason, considering the massive bullying by peers and even within my own family-mobbing against the scapegoat. easy to be on edge and have trouble trusting. this translates to closed off body language and an angry face. boy, people do not respond well to that. the speed with which someone would crinkle their face after looking at me in contempt, and maybe make a comment that i was a jerk. before even knowing me, before i'd say a word, they interpreted me as hating them and reflected it back. but i didn't hate them. it was automatic, it felt normal for me. people do judge by first impressions, and here it was difficult to get past this response, and push myself to convey more friendly feelings, because they were already dismissive. the sad irony is this: had they looked into my mind and saw the inner truth, do you know what would really be there? self consciousness. fear of being disliked in the present and future, intense indescribable grief at cruel treatment and rejection in the past. intense fear and feeling like it''s not safe to trust and be vulnerable. a strong capacity for empathy for others, and a strong sense of justice, for i feel deeply for those wo are bullied as i was. an admiration and desire to engage in humanitarian causes. the truth: a harsh, somber exterior masking a grieving but also hopeful soul. what looks like a cold blooded demon is actually a wounded angel. conveying it however, can be difficult. getting past the default requires practicing smiling, doing things to make myself laugh, to relax the body and mind, the inner work to find a sense of peace in myself and then effectively convey that. so that first layer will not drive them away, and they have a chance to see the real me underneath.
Thanks so much for sharing! You might also like Daily Practice to calm your mind and body: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
This also can be a great way to sort of the superficial jerks that don't deserve your friendship anyway though. Bullies are the jerks.
Thank you for sharing that! 😊😢❤
I can relate to this.
Wow. You just described me.
I wonder if I'm the only one here who not only had an emotionally/physically abusive parent, but also got bullied in grade school... I feel like bullying has played a large part in what messed me up... And back when I was a kid, it was considered a normal part of growing up. The principles and teachers would hardly do a damn thing about it.
That sounds hard but you're not alone. Try Anna's free Daily Practice course. It's a great tool to process fears and resentment, and it help with getting regulated: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
Me too. I think bullies can sense the kids who are already vulnerable so it makes sense they would pick on kids who are being abused at home. High school at least was much better for me, and I hope it was for you too.
Same here but they bullied me because I have moderate intellectual disability undiagnosed then. I had an odd presentation and dress too. The teachers laughed at me along with the kids when they weren't yelling at me for not catching on. I got terrible grades like Ds and an E. Needed special Ed.
You're definitely not the only one. I got served up neglect and physical abuse at home but thankfully the bullying wasn't so bad at school.
My son is autistic and he received a lot of bullying in elementary school. I pulled him out until high school but seeing how he’s socially awkward he still got bullied.
Anna understands this topic so deeply, in so many layers. She always highlights so tiny things that nobody mentions. Thank you for your videos! ❤
2:42 This is so me! When I'm uncomfortable i also do this meaningless babble and I often wonder why?
Something that happens even more for me that I believe is related to CPSD or possibly undiagnosed neurodivergence, is that I will be feeling perfectly fine and comfortable in a social situation and someone will impose their idea that I am in distress. They will aske if I'm okay and continuously press me on it even after I've expressed that I feel fine comfortable (and I really do feel comfortable). Sometimes this can lead me to feeling confused and insecure.
Yes, my doctor does this to me- I think I am managing (chemo) stress ok, and he tells me that I seem anxious. But maybe I am putting out signs (I may not think I am) during an appointment and maybe he is sensitive and picking up on non verbals. It does make me feel ashamed: I think I am presenting as together and composed, (which I try very hard to project), yet someone comments on my nervousness. Ugh.
I am starting to see how traumatized I have been and how it arises in conversations and interactions with others.
I get that. Not as much nowadays, but when I was younger it happened a lot. In the end, I’d think I’d be just fine if you’d stop asking if I’m ok and because you don’t stop, I’m definitely not ok now. I’d just tell someone straight to drop it nowadays, but it rarely if ever happens now.
This could be a narcissistic tactic to drive you into a downward spiral. They want to learn what your weak points are so they can exploit you. The need to do this shows us how distorted they are. Keep away from them!
This would happen to me ALL the time. Wowww
Right on time! Although other people shouldn't hold the key to our self esteem, i think it's a measure of healing when we are strong enough to genuinely help someone else who really needs it. There's a lot of cycles that needed breaking in our family. I was able to bring up one of my grandchildren. My health let me down and a younger grandchild disappeared into the care system. That's been my shame for many years. I felt helpless and worthless, like the child I used to be. She's still in care but she reached out to me yesterday and this changes everything. We've been talking for hours. She's an amazing person. There's not much an old disabled lady can do, but I can support her emotionally and that seems to be everything she needs, right now. My mind feels so much clearer. I've noticed that I'm suddely more upright, and even breathing differently.
❤❤❤❤❤
I'm so happy for you both!!!!! ❤
I can only imagine what it means to her, as much as I can tell it means to you! Sending love to you both. You did what you could! No shame in that!
@@LaCurlySue562 thanks so much for your kind words. She now has brothers and sisters to get to know. It's been difficult for them too, because they weren't sure if she knew they existed. We're all feeling much lighter now. I think those of us healing from CPTSD know how consuming that feeling that we didn't deserve happiness can be. Today I'm going to ask if she wants something knitting.
You did a great job and I can sense a lot of warmth in your words towards your grandchild. Thank you for sharing this with us!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CC-hx5fz Be patient and ENJOY, ENJOY, ENJOY! 🥰 Sending love!!! 💛
The crazy thing about people is they will sense a person has low self esteem or hs been abused (dog example) and then decide to hurt that person further. They figure, perfect, someone I can victimize! People are cruel.
Shame for being ashamed is the worst. Even when you try to address the problem, you lose.
If I want to feel shame…I think of our childhood…which robs me of my confidence ( and good feeling)…I think it might be better to imagine life starting as a twenty year old…( crazy idea that I just thought of)…..amputate your childhood( not that it was all bad but Definately embarrassing being poor etc and all that goes with it!( hunger,parents fighting, no security etc etc)
Your communication skills are really high quality
Thanks.
Great content. Just want to note is someone as ADHD (ADD) will suffer from 'time blindness' which literally means they cannot manage their time and lack the ability to keep track of time. The example of being late all the time could be a result of another mental illness, such as ADHD. Adults often are not diagnosed, something to explore.
I have adhd I realize just because I have doesn't mean I'm goung to be all the time. What help me was leaving like 10-15 early so at least I'll be early then always late. Sometimes I still be late to things that's because sometimes I'll forget what time it is.
I felt that when she said being habitually late is a choice. It certainly doesn't seem like it when you're neurodivergent 😔
As an adhder i wanna recommend everybody who struggles with this to get into a habit of always setting alarms. Let a device help you. Yes I know habits are hard to build with adhd, but you will feel way better about yourself once you start.
This is real. Not diagnosed but I set timers for even my phone calls.
As an auDHDer, I also have low self esteem, time blindness, social issues. Yeah, I've had my share of trauma, but it wasn't so much in early childhood, and I still had those traits. I think that's why a lot of neurodivergent people get missed. It's assumed it's "just" trauma when in actuality having a neurodivergent brain makes you more susceptible to trauma. It's so complicated.
This was a timely reminder to persist in those self care habits !! Somehow I manage to convince myself that “I’m fine now, everything will stay well regulated without routine maintenance.” Untrue every single time, but so hard to distrust. 😂
After going through divorce and thinking my ex loved me and our kids , only for him to destroy and discard us. It was gut wrenching and painful beyond words. We lost everything materially . But I have my kids and that’s precious.
I felt u was worthless and went from a confident woman to a deflated shell with low self esteem it oozes through me.
I am learning that I am and was good enough. I’m rebuilding and so happy to have found this channel.
Thank you for this video
how is it that this channel seems to always know exactly what i'm feeling?
Because you found your people ❤
Thank you, I now understand why so many people talk over me or start to look disinterested when I’m talking
Thank you for watching! Glad the video was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
I'm 48 years old and still late for work a lot of days. I can't seem to change this. My parents often run late and i thought it was learned behaviour. Thank you for your advice on this it's given me another view. ❤❤
I literally do the cringing dog mannerism. A narcasistic step inlaw said your posture is still terrible. She knew I was painfully damaged and really got a buzz from making me feel bad. The evil done to me as a child continues now I'm 50. I get shunned.
My childhood, as so many people's, was very hard. I came to this world full of love and peace and harmony and joy (that's who I was/I am). And there was nobody who could mirror that back to me, so I couldn't recognize myself, instead, when I tried to be who I was, I received a lot of energy full of fear and pain, so uncomfortable to feel, so painful to me. I got very hurt and I learnt to hide who I was to protect myself ("Don't do anything that feels love, peace, harmony, joy...run away from that or you'll be hurt"). So I decided to suffer instead (staying away from who I am) to avoid the "attacks" from the outside, the pain. I didn't have a problem/disease or sickness I had to cure, nothing to be healed, nothing wrong in me, I just had to feel safe to be able to be myself again. My point is, we learnt that we had to behave differently to be safe, that we were the problem that needed to change, "we have to change our habits or ways to behave", and the answer is no way. We need to embrace that little baby and child who got so confused, that tried to change so many times, tried to fit in the family and society's system to feel accepted and safe. We need to love that baby, that child, us, giving us what we really need, the love that we really need all the time. Our safety doesn't depend on others, on the way they perceive us, we are safe if we remember who we truly are, if we allow ourselves to have peace, joy, harmony...by doing what makes us feel that. If we get stressed going to work, don't do it, if we get stressed being with others, don't do it! Allow yourself to feel love again. You will remember then that we can love ourself, we are safe to love who we are, and everything else will fall into place. If you are scared to love yourself by doing the things that make you feel good, just take it step by step so you can see that the idea that everything will be chaos and a mess is not true, you will see that it's really safe. Nobody needs to like us, just us ourselves. We were not able to find peace changing the way we were because it's impossible to find peace where there is no peace. Our parents or grownups didn't have peace and didn't feel love, so no matter how hard we tried, and try, for them and others to feel it so they can mirror that back to us, it's a waste of time. We will only feel it if we stop rejecting us.
Speak, dear wonderful human,
Speak that Universal Truth!
And, thank you, so very much, you are a true ambassador of Love! ❤
@@Bleiu-om7fh This message means so much to me. I'm trying to speak the truth, trying to allow myself to give the love that I am but I still carry pain and fear which I'm letting go little by little, with the love, the patience and kindness that I deserve.
Thank you this totally resonates with me. My mother was emotionally unavailable and physically unavailable. I learnt to hide my true self to protect myself. It's hurts, but not as much going through life not being able to connect to anyone. The loneliness of that is the worst. What you wrote is exactly how I felt my whole life.
@@Groovytunes96 Thank you! You made me feel I'm not alone in this. I have one only friend, who I recently got in touch with, who I can talk to with total honesty because I feel safe with him being myself but I had to protect myself for a long time being completely alone and there was a moment that I felt I was dying because as humans we need to exchange energy with one another and I needed it. Thank God this friend showed up then and also thanks to people like you on RUclips who I can share how I feel and your make me feel so understood and respected. If you need someone, you can count on me too!! I know how hard it is. Thank you again!
“You’re signaling to people your low self esteem. And that hurts your ability to have positive relationships.” That made me recall my first attempt to date someone after decades of social isolation.
She could detect instantly that I was too needful. And I could tell the exact moment she saw it. I learned from that awkward interlude that, as you said, that dark cloud was out, and that a lifetime of my holding that “damaged idea” of myself was going to persist.
It was a lesson for the pain.
Thank you for sharing this.
Nika@TeamFairy
I have been experiencing a few weeks of feeling depressed and hopeless. I understand that I'm just disregulated, and it's the belief that things are hopeless that's holding me back. I'm going to take some time to get regulated and try and get back on track.
You can do it!
Nika@TeamFairy
All the best to you ❤
How to "act normal" is always the big puzzle.
Yes, very relatable. Mine was less being late anywhere but more a heightened anxiety at all times that I was failing, sure to fail soon, needed to apologize over and over for some distant past or future fail. And now, I am just longing to break free of the dark cloud enough to even try to contribute to society in some tangible, (hopefully) income-generating way again. There are so many steps in the process the fear of being able to get there is huge, but working towards it...
So happy you have made this video. I have been trapped in this cycle for a long time.
I have toxic shame and emotional dysregulation, anxiety, depression........and it all sabotages my interactions with people (on my bad days), I can feel my crippled state but push through it to try to relate and be normal, but I can tell when someone doesnt "buy it" and it compounds my shame, because I feel like Im acting and have been caught not being genuine.
I remember feeling like an actor at home, around my parents, it was like I was always giving a performance of myself, rather than just being myself. This I think stems from conditional love from the narcissistic parent, it is designed to get the child to adapt itself to the mothers preferences of behavior, or be shunned or rejected, physically hit, verbal abuse, showed displeasure, punished etc (well beyond healthy behavioral discipline in a normal parent / child dynamic). Since I had to compromise my natural self so much in order to survive and be accepted by my mother, I essentially lost or forgot my authentic self. So we become lost and awkward, dysfunctional and confused, deeply traumatized, obviously. Then in order to survive again we have to face the adult world in order to earn money. They say narcissistic abuse often leads to varying degrees of Agoraphobia, I can relate, I have self-diagnosed myself with avoidant personality disorder. But there is a way out, and as usual, CCF is on the button with her understanding.
I don't know what my problem is. I respect myself, earn more, have a kind boyfriend, and eliminated toxic friends and family. Still, I live in the past when people mistreated me. I relate to snide comments like it's happening now...but it's not.
Go to the root; you have to feel it to heal it.
You sound successful and kudos to you, but that's dancing in the side.
I really don’t want to believe I am dealing with trauma from childhood. I can deal with not liking myself a whole lot easier than I can deal with continuously being a victim
Unless you are still a child, then you can only claim to have been a victim of childhood trauma.
The perspective I'm trying to nurture is one where I am NOT continuously being a victim. I already lived thru that reality.🤕 Now I have the old scars, not the fresh wounds.
Im working at casting out the "I'm a victim" identity and embracing the new "I'm older & wiser, learning to reduce the power that old scars have to foul up my healing & joy today" identity. That identity sounds more beneficial and a lot less "stuck." 🤔
It's more work, but it leads somewhere, instead of nowhere. 😌
@@JeffMountainPicker It's sounds like you're showing yourself the respect you deserve and have earned as a graduate of "the school of hard knocks". Kudos to you! Keep on keeping on. 👍🙂🖐️
@catsheriff I'm just blown away by the detail and thoughtfulness of your criticism. You should be proud of yourself.
@JeffMountainPicker Yes! Thats what I was trying to say but with a lot more words and way easier to understand!
I am absolutely addicted to this channel right now! OMG, it's playing a significant role in my healing process.
It only ever pushes them away because they are completely bereft of kindness, compassion, empathy and decency. Such “pushed away people” are gutless cruel selfish people.
This video served perfectly as a reminder that the power has been in our hands all along, thank you Anna ❤
This video needs to be a multi part series! Please, more of this.
I'm just not trusting anymore.
I’ve been healing from a narcissistic relationship 2 1/2 years free btw 🤗 but with learning why I always end up with those type of people. It steams from a troubled childhood.
An Alcoholic mom, a passive aggressive father, they were both hoarders of clothing, magazines, video tapes, video games, game consoles and pets. Plus I’m the second oldest of 6 children I’ve babysat when I didn’t want to. I changed my first diaper at 6. Then when the other three came.
I changed and cared for them too.My oldest sister wasn’t any help at all she’s just like my mother. 😢 it was a really ruff road. Wanting to get away from it all. I would spend the night out with friends by the time I was in my teens. I had my first child at 16 my second at 18 i was an unmarried mother of 4 by age 26. I regret none of my children. But I have made many poor decisions in my past. Right now I’m picking away at all the why have I done what all I’ve done. And maybe just maybe find a true partner with someone who loves me the way I know I would love them.
This video illustrates how powerful meta-communication can be in our interactions. Quite fascinating. Thank you CCF!
I notice this at church. When I started at a new church I had pastors coming up to me saying “oh it’s gonna be okay, God can fix it”, etc and I hadn’t given them any details on what I was going through. Aside from them clearly seeing I was a single mom, I was wondering what was making them have this automatic desire to comfort me without me saying something in particular was wrong.
Sometimes people will say something like that to get you talking about yourself. Kind of sneaky.
Churches, pastors (I am a pastors kid). Are used to seeing people in trouble show up. Probably 4/5 newcomers have a real neat story about how they sabotaged their life, then they turn it around and the people of the Church feel the spirit of the lord. (And they secretly wonder if they are saved, because there is no evidence like this person just demonstrated). Or, there is the person who comes in (the other 1/5). Who is a total narcissist playing the victim and the whole church huddles around and makes them a Decon and then they mole$t a bunch of kids five years later.
Because pastors are no different from other cult leaders; they prey on you by pretending they care about you and want to "heal" (control) you.
It’s generational I feel this fear of inability to speak up for your own self!
What great timing from such a great leader in this field. Anna , you really are the real deal because you’re solid and clearly know your stuff. The energy coming from you is just …stable 💯. Body language tone of voice and tempo …and of course the stuff that can’t be seen. Thanks Anna🙂👍🏻
I've called my cptsd my dark companion, like a separate entity to my daily me. I am busy working at getting by; keeping a roof over my head and food in my belly. My task has been trying to free myself from that unwanted, unasked for distraction. Since my earliest memories I've only ever known and struggled against distorted perception, being an underdog; these two ideas are new to me. They accurately sum up my dark companion. Following your lead here I will change my perception, and learn to become a healthier person.
My opinion, low self esteem is not the main problem, the problem is when we let low self esteem control our lives and let other people make misuse of it.
I don't mind others feeling shame or other less nice feelings, cus it is partialy also part of live.
I have had bigger feelings of low self esteem, and now sometimes I have it a lot too, I just learned to live with it, it helped together with healing, you learn when your false self esteem is on stage and when somethings really are too much/hard for you.
believe in your selves.
You are really the first therapist I've come across that seems to get it. I wasted a lot of time and money with a therapist that definitely didn't get it. Anyways, thanks for all that you do
Glad to hear Anna's videos are helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
I grew up in a toxic and violent household even tho I thought I moved on from it. Most people close to me and acquaintances said i look like I was carrying the burden of the world. They said my energy radiates a "dark-cloud". Despite looking happy outside, that's when I figured that I need to heal inside because I felt shameful that ppl are looking at me as a "sad person". Some ppl make fun of me of being like that.
The thing that has helped me heal the most is educating myself of narcissism. I learned that my entire immediate family: mother, father, and sister are all narcissits, who bullied me from since I can remember. Now in middle age, I have called out all of them for their evil behavior. I can recognize a narcissist from across the room, and I know how to behave around them. I won't allow a narc to bully, intimidate, or have a power trip over me. This includes co-workers, bosses, neighbors, family members, romantic interests, friends, and random strangers. Once you realize these people who inflicted pain are narcs, you can heal.
Anna’s tag line “the change within”. I love it.
You’re the best counsellor I never had.
Brilliant insight in this comment.😊🎉
Ty Anna! So true how you can *see* it on people. I was looking through old pictures and I found one of a family outing and I remember it being an ok day. I was 6 or 7. But in the pic I was walking alone by myself head down eyes somewhere far away off in LA la land staring into the ground hands firmly by my side and my sister turned away from me. And some of us just root for the under dog bc we feel we are that 😅 ty so much for this ❤
Thank you for watching! Glad the video was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
Most importantly it's what u feel inside & about yrself. What others think of u...👀... is thier issue, Not yrs. Look back at yr life, u will see how far u have come. Give yrself daily credit about anything. If u smiled at someone... smile at yrself 1st it matters. ❤
What a nice thing to share. Thank you for spreading your kindness and encouragement to others!
Nika@TeamFairy
I'm so happy to say that I have accomplished essentially what this video is speaking about. The littlest things in life like running errands, these become the bright spots in your life. When you stop walking around with a shadow on full display, you're funnier, you make more eye contact, you get more looks, people offer you more help, people are more patient with you, people think about you and recommend you. It's worth doing the work to get down to the core issue of why you're contorted inside.
I’m learning to time my activities: shower, laundry, dishes,etc so it makes planing my days easier.
Thank you for such a considered and thoughtful video. I really love how you fully understand the topic and explain it without adding anything more to the accumulation of *stuff* that's been internalised (invalidation, judgment, bullying etc).
Reading some of the other comments I had the thought that it's almost like the intention was/is to be vulnerable by showing how you feel (even though you're saying you're fine etc) which would ordinarily lead to connection, which I'm guessing is the aim. But the version we've come up with early on, that we've cobbled together, is naturally going to miss all the important parts of understanding how others view you that you learn as you become an adult.
Basically the intention is fine but then the perception of how to achieve it is (naturally) off, and so everything that follows from there is off too.
But I guess that applies to all the dysregulated behaviours...
This was amazing. Every part I needed to hear. The part about the apology struck too. I won’t ever get an apology, but the thought that even if I did the habits would still be there was so good for me hear I can’t express it. The part about it being work but happy work was lovely, and most of all you said more than once throughout that it can be healed and I needed that so much. You said it with a sense of personal understanding that helps me believe it can.
You have resonated so deeply with me, I feel for the first time in my life that I am truly healing and taking the right steps to better my life and protect myself from further harm and destructive habits/ relationships. Truly, thank you. You are a healer.
Wow, I'm so happy to hear that! Thank you for taking the time to comment, I'm sure Anna will appreciate this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
It was a shock /surprise to see that this heavy
" dark cloud "
is even visible on film...
( old footage of family outing left no doubt )
So I guess it is something energetic ...or even some sort of dark "entities" that were invited in by the alcoholics in their unconscious state and which then also attached to the children
( = energetically open ) that were present...And as these children we then carry this with us and have to find ways of
transmuting it
Very interesting take
@@iwilson6651 Well, I was there...
I was raised in an alcoholic family and yes the dark entities are definitely a thing!
I'll also note. The ways to transmute these energies are entities are through a deep spiritual connection. A spiritual cleansing/awakening. That's why alcoholism runs in families. These entities attach and continue to wreck havic. I became an alcoholic and got sober that was the beginning of the cleansing.
@@meganbrewster5984 So glad you found the exit door for yourself - and that strand of your family !! 💜
And thanks for mentioning the importance of the spiritual connection here - it really is the key 🗝️🕯️
Best wishes 🌼
I like how as soon as your video begin you go straight to the point. Also, great topic!
Glad you like it! Thanks for sharing.
Nika@TeamFairy
Ashamed of being ashamed! Wow, spot on!
Thank you very much for this video! It really helped me with the being late part. It feels so great to be 15 minutes early places, rather than running late. I try to eliminate all things, conversations, happenings in my environment that would cause me to run late. And I write out a list the night before of what time I need to leave to be early!! Thanks so much for mentioning this very important example. I think that just this one example can explain so many things in one’s life that may be obstacles for one’s growth. Being early is so important, and it’s important to clear away and adjust all of those things that are standing in the way (or rescheduling things to make our schedules work) so we can be early places)! 🙏🙏
Great job! Thank you for sharing!
Nika@TeamFairy
Why are people so mean to people with low self-esteem? Some people say I'm negative. I've never seen myself as negative and I question why people would think like that about me. It is so weird to me. I¨m always held down by other people. They dislike me and I don't know why. ./
People are shitty.
It doesn't just hurt in relationships, it interferes with the ability just to survive!
At almost 70, and staying alone on purpose for yrs and yrs, I realize now I was way too emotionally obligated because I was forced to be that way in childhood.
This I'm 47 have no desire to deal with people.
I feel so validated but not enabled! Best video I have found so far on this topic.
For me it's the cycle of having to live with the same family members who constantly repeat the same casual verbal abuse, sabotaging my happiness and plans and so on. No matter old they get they stay the same. I can't afford to move out and every time someone sets me up with a potential partner, they end up being a narcissistic or have spemthing unpleasant about them that makes me go downhill again in my low self esteem. I have never understood why they keep setting me up with men that aren't good. 😢💔
They are doing it on purpose. Cant have the scapegoat finding a healthy partner. Cause then you may go no contact and they lose you.
Low self esteem will attract narcissists- and they will literally try to destroy you.
I agree with most of what she is saying and she’s given a lot of good insight. One thing is though, I don’t care about attracting other people. People suck and there’s no other person who doesn’t have their own set of garbage that they seem to want to quickly dump on you!
But- good info and advice here.
Thank you thank you THANK YOU for everything you provide on this channel❤ life changing for me and couldn’t be more appreciative!
I love you, your content and your videos.. please keep them coming. Especially things on this topic, the underdog effect or the dark cloud.. i would personally benefit soo much from this i cant tell you possibly. Thanks again for keeping this free ❤
That example at the end is so valuable!!! 🙏👍
I’m the opposite. Always on time. It’s hard for me to deal with the guilt of getting late even for a few minutes… but I’m working on that and relaxing more. Not for work situations, but social.
Same never late
Nothing is going to change until family is out of my life for good. I have healed before. I have gained confidence before. I have earned respect before. But that all gets taken from me when family forces their way back into my life. My life will never be worth living until they are gone for good. I get this job (fingers crossed) and it's my ticket away from these soul sucking demons.