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Why I Don't Date Men
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- Опубликовано: 14 авг 2024
- Why I don't date men. Welp. Yeah, I don't particularly enjoy speaking out this due to the response it gets, but an instance of workplace harassment this week has me in a mood where I really don't have anything else I want to talk about. It's a theme that comes up a lot when I talk about my bisexuality.
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I'm Connor Manning! Welcome to my channel! I'm a video blogger who makes videos every Monday and Friday. This channel is really about me. I talk about things like relationships and dating, sexuality, bisexuality, mental health (depression, addiction, anxiety, etc.), and a lot of feelings. I like to take my experiences and turn them into something creative, whether that's through vlogging or other projects. Subscribe for more!
as a bi women I relate to this. just remember you don't have to prove your sexuality by dating anyone, your safety and comfort is much more important.
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"Physically attracted to, yet emotionally repulsed by men"
I can relate to this. I grew up surrounding myself with women, though I'm gay I've also developed a fear/lack of trust in men. I made a video about this called 'Masculinity' and was worried about the comments - but was surprised by the amount of support out there. I very rarely go to gay bars & clubs too, mainly because I don't like the noise & thirsty atmosphere. It's clearly an issue with me and has held me back from ever having a relationship.
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Also I love seeing nerdfighters with the +s all over the youtubes it makes me so happy
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Bisexuality is not about weather you've dated men and women. It's about attraction. I'm bisexual but I've dated mostly men
The issue I have with arguments like "not all men" is that it doesn't actually address what's happening. It's true not all men are like this - but enough men are for it to be a problem. And personally I think the problem itself should be addressed, not the fact that it's not an all-male characteristic. I mean, as a white person I do get uncomfortable when the topic of racism comes up and I realize I've been doing something messed up without knowing it was messed up - but my discomfort is a lot less important than the fact that some people are being killed. I'd rather do what I can to help change the situation than point out how many white people aren't racists. I don't see what the latter accomplishes in re: to dealing with the problem.
Also, I apologize if this is rude but I seriously question the value of any therapist who is disputing rather than respecting your sexuality. My prior therapist tried to tell me I was a lesbian because being assaulted several times in my childhood by guys made it hard to be sexual with anyone. I've only ever been attracted to men but she was acting like I was hiding secret girl love fantasies when I said I felt scared to be with a man because of what had happened. It's one thing to struggle with your sexuality and another to be treated like you don't know what your own body is interested in. I ended up getting rid of that therapist because a therapist who doesn't trust me isn't one I'm going to trust to help me. That's my own opinion.
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Yes, as someone who is studying to be a counselor I can't second this enough. You are the expert on you, not your therapist. Their job isn't to question your sexuality but to support you wholeheartedly in whichever place/identity you find most useful for you. If they are getting in your way of growth and loving yourself then it's time to get a better therapist.
"Also, I apologize if this is rude but I seriously question the value of any therapist who is disputing rather than respecting your sexuality." - THIS.
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Bro bro bro, this is genuinely so brave of you, like wow. It's really not something I've heard any guys discuss before, and I'm so glad that you were able to speak on it so eloquently. I can't say it's something I relate to exactly, but it's certainly a really engrained part of our society - men being violent, on a basic level.
I feel ya! I surrounded myself with woman for the majority of my life
I am bisexual and my relationships with men have made me crave the safety of a relationship with a women. Men make me feel like prey and I hate that.
I'm sorry you've had horrible experiences, Connor :( I feel really uncomfortable and closed off around men as well. I never want to let my guard down in case something gross or creepy happens. I hope you have more positive experiences in the future! And as always, you bisexuality is never invalid because of who you date or tend to like (which I'm sure you know, but it's always good to get a reminder!) Cuz I know I need those reminders sometimes.
Loved the video and good luck on moving!! (Are you moving? I was running around while listening to this video)
Omg I thought I was alone in this. I'm a closeted bisexual girl that has not dated anyone and feels pretty much equal attraction to all genders, but find it easier to see myself dating girls. For a while this caused me to question my sexuality and wonder if I'm actually gay, but I've grown to attribute it to a quite similar thing to you: I feel more comfortable around other women and so I would feel more secure and safe to be myself, and therefore have a healthier and more fulfilling relationship. Sending peace and love to you Connor
I'm really sorry about this, your concerns are very understandable and valid on why you feel unsafe around men. Hopefully the fear will dissipate over time and you're still bisexual even if you're avoiding men due to past experience.
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I love this. I love this so much.
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Not only is this relatable as a bi person, but I feel like it is very relatable to a large majority of women in general.
This is definitely interesting for me. I always considered myself a homosexual man but as of late I've sorta been questioning how much so and really digging into that. My problem though, and I wouldn't have put it this way until I watched this video, is I think that I may be scared of women in a similar way. From lots of past experiences and even some more recent ones, I've been very hesitant, anxious, and on guard when it comes to women. This definitely helped me put things a bit more into perspective, thank you.
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Interesting to hear, I think I had the same. Always identified as homosexual but since two years back ago I realised that probably wasn't at "100%", since I felt attracted to some women. Has been a very confusing time, but now I kind of landed in the feeling around that some women do attract me but I still havent had the urge for romantic relationship. It was when I realised I had a dislike towards women I could start to search for the answer why, and that feeling could definetly be traced back to early experiences with women in my life. When I realised this it became easier to accept the feelings of attraction I had.
+Adrian R I definately feel you. It's something that I know I don't hear talked about much or really at all. Bicuriosity or just bisexuality coming from a homosexual viewpoint.
I used to be a lesbian with the same questioning, same fear of the opposite gender. I've worked through some of it and now identify as bisexual. Life is weird like that sometimes
Very much with you on this as a heterosexual woman. Only about half a year ago I started to realize how much harassment I accept as normal (especially when going out) & how fucked it is to think it's somehow expected/normal that dudes/total strangers will grab you inappropriately or say some very gross stuff. Combined with my own PTSD & anxiety, it can make me extremely guarded & expecting the worst. Trust issues galore. I do try to let down my guard a bit & let people in - but it is a hell of a process. Don't get too down on yourself about any of it though - always listen to your feelings. Even if they suck, there is always something to learn from what feelings come up.
As long as you can still keep an open mind, to let the good people shine and prove that to you.
I feel this so hard.
I'm a gay trans man, which sucks because I have little to no attraction to women really and I'm crushing on dudes left and right, but I've never really been able to pursue a relationship. Part of the fear, is of course, is because they could be transphobic, but even when I'm flirting with a guy who I know *isn't* really transphobic I get a little scared because of my experiences of being harassed and threatened by men, especially when I was presenting as female and that was a nearly everyday occurrence.
So yeah... would love to date a guy but it's hard get myself to when most of them have been like that to me. Since presenting as male I've felt safer flirting irl, which is nice, but of course the second I give a guy my number they get creepy again....ugh.
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Thanks for sharing your perspective.
maybe you could try meet someone online. like an internet friend. Who you could get to know instantly as a trans gay guy. maybe it would be easier as you'll be finding someone who will be respectful. best of luck to you :):):)
I'm a straight woman, so everything I'm about to say is pure guesswork. When I meet other men, it's usually in a non sexual setting eg university. I spend a lot of time talking to other men about our school work, programming/game design/3D modelling etc. I think getting to know men is much easier when there are no sexual expectations. I actually met my current boyfriend at uni.
This might be more challenging for gay relationships since only around 2% of people are gay/bi and roughly half of those people will be the right gender. Finding a relationship at school might less likely. As a result, many gay people will rely on gay clubs. However, meeting someone in this context can establish sexual expectations straight away which can make things awkward and uncomfortable.
Perhaps if there were a way to meet other gay people in a non sexual setting, it would be easier to form relationships. Idk.
I'm a bi man, but I have to say I like your comment so much, it made my day.
It describes my typical dating styles and why I have mostly been on the girl side of dating. Getting to know people with no sexual expectations is the best way to build trust and attraction in my opinion, but doing with with another guy is hard. It's a really a hard balance that I have just rely on luck now.
Connor, I know I cannot make up for some of the negative comments you have/will receive, but what you are feeling is completely and utterly valid. We are told time and time again that we have to prove our sexuality to others and that is not true. We have certain experiences and ways of doing things that are personal to us and they do not require us to give an explanation. You have helped me immensely with excepting myself as bisexual and being able to have the courage to come out to a few people in my life. Your videos have also helped me with my mental health struggles and certain aspects of every day life, such are crushes and just socializing. Thank you for everything you do Connor. I'm glad you're here and making videos. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with the world.
Connor, thank you so much for making this video. I relate to you in the sense that I too am bisexual and haven't dated men because I felt unsafe. I also gravitate towards women and have grown up with many of them in life. Your feelings and sexual orientation are so valid and I appreciate you talking about this. And congratulations on your sobriety. You're amazing and I'm so proud of you. Much Love from a fellow bi! 💙💜💗
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Same girl, same.
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I'm not bi. Straight up gay. I can totally relate. Sometimes the over-sexuality of some gay men, and how aggressive some men can be, can be anxiety-inducing. It has also made it difficult to even make gay friends.
I've had to start distancing myself away from men for the whole harassment thing. It's sad because I generally love this community and I'm proud to be bisexual, but the more I interact with other guys the more I want to distance myself from them.
Hey, Connor. I wanted to give you a little support here. I have always identified as a heterosexual male. However, as i've entered my twenties, I've come to realize that I may be pansexual. However, all of my life, i have lived in an area where hyper-masculinity is abundant, yet I am somewhat feminine and i certainly feel more comfortable with women. And i'm more comfortable with myself when i can freely express my feminine side. Here, I've always felt threatened and demeaned by the men around me. For that reason, i don't know if i would be able to date a man. Like you say, not that I think they're all bad, but as my experience goes, women have always been so much more supportive and kind to me. I fully respect and support what you're saying here. Thank you for sharing this video. you always make me feel better.
That sounds really similar only my neighborhood wasn't really the source of the hypermasculinity. It was my all-male high school.
AConMann I get you. I live in the south, so that's my big issue. It's a nice place and all, but that's a big issue here. Among other things. Thanks for replying. it means a lot. You're one of my favorite youtubers.
+AConMann Lord I would have hated that in school. I don't see single sex environments particularly good to develop - where's the diversity!?
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Sorry you had to go through stupid harassment like that. :/ This video was very brave, and I applaud you for knowing who you are and being honest about that.
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I'm a bi girl and honestly I relate to this so much. There's this internalized underlying fear that I have of men which holds me back. I'm more likely to date other girls because subconsciously I view them as gentler and less intimidating. I've only had friendships and relationships with girls so dating guys kinda scares me.
This is exactly my situation. I'm a bisexual cis woman and I also have an underlying fear and distaste for men. The men in my life and family have had to basically be taken care of by the women in their lives, and my dad was far from the best. I'm not sure how to cope with this either, but seeing your video made me feel better about the situation. You're not alone.
But it should be the traits in your family that caused that, not that they were men. If you were with good and nice men, you wouldn't have had that problem in your family, but your luck is what turned out. It's all going to come down to, who acts like those bad men. Women who act like that will be undesirable, as will men. Women who don't like that will be desirable, as will men who don't act like that.
I really understand how you feel. I am a bi female and I vere away from males in a similar way that you do. Many people call me a lesbian for certain reasons, but that's honestly not completely me. I don't hate men and I wouldn't consider myself 100% homosexual, but I can be put-off by men/males for many reasons which makes people and even myself think my identity is invalid. But it is just an issue within myself.
*positive comment*
Friendly response
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WOW. Connor it is unbelievable how OPEN and CANDID you are being with us with thousands of us and with the whole world to acces. My mind is blown, a controversial issue like this that People could easily misunderstand you still put I'm so proud of you Connor and so, so, inspired❤️❤️❤️
I'm a bi woman who's afraid to date men because they're terrifying and afraid to date women because I'm not fully out of the closet, and after Orlando it's actually occurred to me (like on a real and not so hypothetical level) that being out might not be safe. So I get a lot of "if you're bi, why don't you date?" Well, there are a lot of reasons, but the potential harm I could come to from other people by dating ANYONE is a big portion of it.
As a girl, I can relate. I could've related 12 years ago at 10 years old. It's interesting to see a guy's experience with that same aggression and entitlement. The worst is when you try and politely say no and they just get irrationally mad at you like, "how dare you not have sex with me?!"
I've met some wonderful, progressive men in my life and I can only hold out hope that our generation raises their sons and daughters with open and equal minds.
My heart goes out to you, man. Consider opening yourself up to bisexual men. They tend to be less aggressive because of their relative insecurity about being with other men. Just an observation. And, of course, bi guys are hotter... in my opinion. :-)
yes in your opinion
I basically feel anxious whenever I am outside my home. Add to it I'm a closeted trans nb person. I am completly scared of going out and be harassed. I can't stand people smoking and drinking alcohol in general because of my family history so this too hold me back from social situations and developping relationships. You're valid Connor, in every way.
i also grew up with alot woman, i grew up with 3 out of 4 sisters plus my mom and their attitudes kinda made me scared of woman. I'm also shy around goodlooking woman. It has always been easier for me to start a conversation with a men.
Do you sometimes feel romantically attracted to women but physically attracted to men? I feel this way and I wonder does this still make me bi.
Yup you're bi!
Yea it's called bi romantic when u are attracted physically to either your or other genders and romantically attracted to either your or other genders
***** I can see myself romantically being with a man or a woman but I only get physically attracted to men. Sometimes I feel like I'm not valid as a bisexual
+AWMartin Would I still be considered a bisexual?
+Andrew Music Not to invalidate your question in any way buuuttt you can identify how YOU feel is right for YOU! < 3 take care.
I understand why you'd be reluctant to date men because of your experiences
Wow. It's weird to hear these comments coming from a man. As I have ever only experienced life through the female lens, I always think of that kind of harassment as a woman problem. This is definitely important to hear. Sorry that you have dealt with this, but super glad you are talking about it. Good luck with moving and finding a nice guy (I've done both, so it cant be impossible ;)
Well, we don't want our lens to limit how we categorize things. Weird things do happen, we want to embrace all the weirdness out there don't we? :)
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I like guys but get really turned off when they "flirt" with me because it usually feels very predatory. I always felt safe around my current bf because when we were first getting to know eachother he always acted more nervous than I felt haha.
Anyway, I know you know this but you really don't have to date any guys to "prove" you're bi or anything. You seem to know who you are and that's enough.
Ugh it's so refreshing hearing a man talking about this kind of things and being so honest about their feelings, I've just subscribed and really love your videos.
Your feelings are suuuuper reasonable, my guy. Men can be frickin terrifying, ya gotta do what makes you feel safe.
im bi and i feel super bad about this but whenever i like a guy, i just sort of have hope that hes gonna be good, understanding, whatever. and then when, not if, he does something problematic im just like ''there it is''
and im not talking slightly problematic, cause some subjects can be talked about, im talking straight up insensitive ass jokes, using ''feminazi'', not taking me seriously etc..
But being problematic relates to a lot of personality traits, that you can find in all sorts of people.
Derek G thats true and i dont drop people immediately when they say something like that, i just say i disagree or that i think what they said was mean. but some people really dont care and fuck those poeple
Your voice is very calming 😅😂😂😂 I SOUND LIKE A psychopath
wait no I totally agree! it is so calming
If he voiced one of those sleep meditation things I'd 100% buy it
+Katy Cunningham OMG YAAAAAAS
How he talks is amazing if he literally made a video just saying random words I would still appreciate it.
He should do ASMR
as a bi woman, i totally relate. going to any club is to me what going to a gay club is to you, and before i realised i wasn't straight i kindof thought "well this is normal, this is necessary, if you're ever wanna find a partner you're gonna have to deal with this" - which is a very sad thought for a 16 year old to have about harrassment.
When i came to terms with my bisexuality, it felt incredibly freeing because i realized i *didn't* have to put up with that crap. i, too, have only been dating women since, out of fear and simply being uncomfortable, and while i know it's not all men's fault that I'm on guard around them, it doesn't change the result and it doesn't make it my fault. i feel like i'm missing out on something and i wish i could be more open, but past experiences just made me overly careful and resentful of any guy that comes on to me.
connor, i get it, i feel you, we're in this together. i hope one day we'll live in a society that's less awful and makes it easier to tear those walls down.
Y'know... A lot of women who like men feel the same. I know I do. But it feels like I've been taught to ACCEPT that, because that's just "how it is", whereas men don't, really. It doesn't mean I don't LIKE men. But I have a hard time trusting them and their intentions. I think it has a lot to do with patriarchy and our idea of what masculinity should be. I'm definitely more fluid sexually, but I have been consistantly heteroromantic so far in my life and I always have to remind myself that I can TELL when he crosses the line... that it's not just "paranoia". I feel your pain! What you're going through is 100% real and valid.
Well, it depends on whether they're a trustworthy person or not. I try to be trustworthy because I want to be the best who I can be, and as men and women, that's what we try to do. We don't have to segregate characteristics like that. You don't have to accept bad behavior. That's why you can decide not to be with those people.
I am so sorry to hear your story. I hope that it changes. There are some really wonderful, beautiful men in the world, like my fiance, and no one has ever made me feel more safe than him regardless of their gender. But I just want you to know that no part of this video made me feel anything but empathy and compassion. There are some really horrible people in the world, and I don't blame anyone for being cautious. Caution can save a person's life.
i love this video.
Your videos always come at the right time, Connor.
I'm a (trans) guy who is also very intimidated and generally uncomfortable around guys (even though I'm attracted to them) and I deal with that by not dealing with it. I just make friends with girls and hope to god a guy doesn't want to make conversation with me.
Great video!!
As a bi girl I relate so much, as someone who was sexually assaulted by certain males growing up I've sort of learned to be scared of men and though I still ID as bi and am attracted to men they scare me so much. A counsellor once suggested I should find girls as scary as boys and I said that girls had never done the things to me that boys had. It's a hard place to be when you're attracted to people who share traits with people who've hurt you.
I completely understand your fear and your unhappiness with how that fear is holding you back. I have been feeling similarly for the past few years and have avoided dating for that reason. I know there's plenty of wonderful men out there, put lately I just haven't seemed to come across them as much as the men that make me feel unsafe, objectified and as though my role is to please them and if I fail to do so I will suffer the consequences. I also think it's very important to talk about men experiencing these feelings towards other men! ❤️
I hope you don't have alot of negative comments, I'm sorry you've had that and I hope it doesn't continue. also thankyou for always making me feel valid, you inspire me
Hey Connor, I've been subscribed to you for over a year, and I admire your bravery in voicing such an unpopular opinion. I'm also bisexual, and have gotten criticized in the past for the fact that I haven't dated women in years. It's not that I'm not attracted to them, it's just that I seek out men because I have less romantic experience with them. This leads to being asked if I'm truly bisexual or just homosexual and in denial, so I relate to what you're saying. I get your point about gay bars, because they do make me nervous. I definitely want to visit them with friends, but I'm afraid of how to navigate those spaces. I hope you encounter some positive male figures in your life soon, either friends or more. You definitely deserve them!
3:02 - So now you know what most girls experience. I'm not saying that men don't experience that, is just that women have to battle against that every day, from being catcalled in the street to being in the bus and feeling someone touching your butt (these things happened to me before)
Great video, as usual!
I get that you feel very afraid to try again, but I encourage you to always try new things, so, if you feel like it, don't let the fear overcome you, just go with the flow and don't be afraid of failing
Keep up the good work, and, most importantly, just live!! Go out there, try new stuff, just don't deprive yourself of things and experiences that you think might be fun or good for you!
So much support to you, Conner. I definitely get where you're coming from. I so rarely hear men talk about their negative connotation with other men and their fear and lack of comfort, which makes me think that this video is so incredibly important for the other men who might feel this way. All that matters is your own pace and your own comfort. ❤️
But are his feeling just as valid if, as a man, he has these tendencies that he's talking about? Or by seeing who he is as a person, you can still sympathize with him even though he doesn't share your gender?
I relate so much. scary much.
Thanks for voicing this out, because I can't.
What is awesome though is this overwhelming support I see in the comments ;) No negativity or bashing as far as I can tell and it's just wonderful.
Your feelings are valid. And so many more people experience them too!
This little community we have is amazing and so supportive.
understanding everything you said, my question would be, do you want to change your view on guys? Like do you want the possibility of dating a guy or are you content with having a bad view on them. I think that a really worthy guy may come along and would hate for that guy to miss out because of other guys being straight dicks to you.
I said in the video "I don't want to be afraid of men." Because I don't. I don't want to feel like this.
Oh ok, not like my two sense matters but... i have faith in people as naive as that is, and wether its a guy or a girl, someone great will pursue you in the right way. i really hope you get everything you deserve man. And thank you for opening up through your videos, its helped a lot of people including myself.
I relate so deeply to this as a trans man. I'm personally pansexual, and I really have never felt comfortable in pursuing or being pursued by cis men. I tend to have a preference towards women, nb people, and trans men for the same reason as you. On a really different note, I especially have a preference for transmen because I know they will be much more likely to understand me & my dysphoria.
I'm in the same situation as you there, man. I totally get it as a trans guy and pan too. I feel bad for being more nervous around cis guys but experience teaches caution. It sucks tho.
Ardin Rye It's always nice to meet someone who is able to validate a feeling
@Ardin Rye: I just hope that we can still be peaceful with each other even though I share the same gender as people who have been mean to you.
That must suck
Go Connor. Thanks for talking about this. It's good to put that feeling into words. it's good to have a way to explain different struggles. Thank you.
I really relate to this, coming from a perspective as a 18 year old bisexual girl, I have been in no actual relationship yet, especially due to the effect that if I'll come close to someone (and I especially fear this with boys) they will be like my father and put me down etc. I'm not unhappy being single but that's a big factor to it and also a big factor to the status that I haven't come out to any of my friends besides my best friend
I'm so sorry that happened to you Conner! I love you and your videos! Stay strong!
I understand, i mean im not afraid of them but I do get harassed alot. like certain guys feel they are entitled to my body or my affections just because they find out I like guys or send me a message on grindr. yet when they delve alittle deeper and find out im bi they get even nastier or hostile. Or get super cuddling when we meet up which creeps me out....not cause im in the closet--slowly crawling out of it--but because this is an absolute stranger. ive had one lash out at a friend on fb out of jealousy and i never even talked to the guy he just stalked me from tinder. i mean girls aren't saints either but some guys need to chill
Its sad that judgement on the internet about your sexuality was a driving force for this video, but I'm glad you shared that information with us. I hope that most of your viewers leave positive comments because you shouldn't have negativity thrown at you over something that makes you afraid. Just wanted to show my support for you. Lots of love x
I love that you make relevant issues talked about and use your platform for awareness. fricken beautiful
I love how open and honest your videos are. It's so refreshing, and validating to hear someone going through real shit similar to you. It's like free therapy lol
This video means a lot to me just because of how much I can relate to this. I dont normally comment on videos much anymore but I just wanna say thank you for continuing to share your voice/stories cause honestly they're helping me understand myself along the way.
My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry you've had to go through these things. There are shitty people everywhere. I don't think there's an answer for where you can go from here, or how you can work through your experiences and open the doors for potentially finding a man that will love you absolutely. You're an incredibly beautiful person, and you deserve every bit of love that squeaks it's way through the cracks in your walls.
A dear friend of mine has been married to his husband for over a year now, and they've been in a relationship for over a decade. (Jeez I feel old.) A couple months ago, he wrote a long post about how he loves "feminine energy", that men, for the most part, actually scare him, and that it's been difficult to reconcile his fear of men with his being gay. It was a very intriguing and eye-opening post, and also incredibly relatable.
Realistically, if you keep trying something that you like, and it keeps burning you, eventually you're going to expect the burn and outright avoid it. Doesn't matter what it is. If every time you eat a tomato, you puke, eventually you're going to start ordering pizza without tomato sauce. Right? People could argue #notalltomatoes but you're going to be pretty doubtful at that point. That doesn't mean you're being illogical. On the contrary, it would be illogical to repeatedly and frequently expose yourself to a thing that has already made you sick, unless you're a scientist and it's #forscience. ;) (That's what I claim when I eat things that I know will make me sick "just to make sure it's actually that food and it wasn't just a coincidence all the other times". Heh.)
Anyway, that was just a long rambling to say you're perfectly reasonable in your feelings and doubts. Thank you for sharing!
SAMMMMEEEEE !!! thank you for sharing your experiences ! you look so cute as much outside than inside!
Connor, I have been watching your videos for a solid 4 years. We met once at Playlist Live a couple years back. And although I haven't gotten to know you very well in real life, you should know that I think very highly of you for being unapologetically yourself. No one gets to tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. Keep doing the best you can for you and as always thank you for making us become a little more awesome. :)
I understand you man. Same thing happens for me but with women. I always feel like for some reason they are judging me or laughfing at me. I supposed my experiences are just bad and I just happen to have bad luck with women (the ones I encountered were soooo mean, laughfing at me at parties, dates and school). As you say at the end of the video, I don't want that to happen haha I am bi too and I am attracted to many beautiful women but I always feel waaaay more insecure when I date a woman that when I date a man. It's sad :( But well, I'm trying to have more girl friends latelly ;) Oh, and good video btw, I am latinamerican and my english isn't good but I tried to write this coment the best way posible :D, I'll allways give you all of my support and keep it awesome man! see ya!
I know how you feel.
Connor this is why you're my favorite RUclipsr. Thank you for your bravery. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this too and trying to get over that fear.
I share your feelings 100%! Your video expressed my feelings and struggles perfectly!!! We need videos like yours to speak up for us bisexuals and the objectification and sexual assault some of us have endured. My experiences put me back into the closet and made me relocate 900 miles away from my home town.
you're inspiring, I feel your sadness when it comes to these traumatic topics, but you're brave enough to show them so people can see what you have been through. I know words can't undo what is done, but I do hope you could get over it ASAP and in a tender way.
Hey Connor! Thanks for sharing this part of your life and views with us!
I can relate to this video so much, thank you for talking about this!
As a girl I'm so often afraid of men, especially in the clubs and when they are drinking. I don't know exactly what it is or where it comes from but I believe that this is a reality for a lot of people...
Thank you for this video. I really needed to hear this today. All my love and support
I feel you so much on this. So much.
I'm someone who currently gets read as male and it's been tough knowing that I easily fall into the category of men, aka someone I may be wary of if I ran into them on the street. It hurts to know that I'm afraid of people who look like myself. And that there are others who are threatened by me.
Whether it be friends or dating, I have always felt safer around girls and non-male people. Esp ones who don't look conventionally male.
It saddens me that so many people respond with NotAllMen so quickly to these sorts of feelings. It's hurts to know that we live in a world that will unquestioningly defend men no matter what fears are articulated about them.
Your fears are so valid and so real. Thank you for talking about it so openly.
This is the most beautifully honest and interesting video I've seen on RUclips all month. I've watched your videos for a while but lately I've been particularly loving everything you're talking about - the subjects and the way you go about expressing your experiences of them are so fascinating and inspiring.
Hey Connor, been in the same boat as you. Just wanted to say that it's the been the courage of vloggers such as yourself and other out bisexuals that have inspired me to be more open with myself and the people in my life. The journey is tough, but every time I've been true to myself it's been worth it.
Basically saying that you helped make a difference to this bi-guy and, considering I'm in my 30s and you're in your 20s, to me you are ahead of the curve.
*warm hugs*
You're such a beautiful person and a big inspiration. I think sitting down and talking to you for hours would be a really great experience. Please keep doing what you're doing!
Thank you so much for making this video. As a straight woman who dates men, this has taken me years to articulate and tackle. Growing up, all of my bullies were boys and I never had close male friends. So all of my interactions with guys my age were of them harassing me and making me feel worthless and unsafe. Going to college and coming into contact with guys who all of a sudden are interested in you or just nice takes a lot of time to overcome and most of my female friends who have never had a problem with men didn't understand why I would be practically paralyzed when someone talked to me. I still get extremely nervous when someone comes up to me at a bar, because it could be a joke or he could hurt me. Using dating apps comes with so many more questions than 'Is he attractive?' Sometimes the hardest part is just talking with a guy in class because it triggers those classroom bully memories. So I understand and thank you
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i totally get you!! i'm totally supporting you
Connor I'm so sorry you have had these kinds of experiences . Thank you for opening up and sharing this with us .
Thanks for sharing this, Connor!
Thank you so much for saying that your feelings are valid.
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All my love and support goes out to you! I am a bi woman and if I hadn't met my actual bf (he is a very non-threatning man in the way he behaves) 4 years ago I would definetly only date women as I always had bad experiences with men and I am, as you said, constantly on guard and so I only have female friends and I am always akward with men because to me they feel like loaded guns who could shoot without warning. I am afraid if I became close to a man as a friend that he will feel like there is something more going on and try something and then react violently to my rejection. It has already happened when I was younger and I am so scared of men now, I just don't trust them. I know I miss out on lots of beautiful friendship and people but it's really hard to overcome. You shouldn't have to justify your feelings, it's ok as you said to feel them. Good luck with overcoming these issues. Lots of hugs (if you want them ) :)
I feel this sooooo much! As a gay man, I never experienced any positive relationships with guys especially because of homophobia or the gay community making me feel excluded because i don't fit the ideal image of a gay man. Because of that, I've distanced myself from forming any romantic or platonic relationships. I only ever feel comfortable around women and it's sad because I really want to expand my social circle with more men but I'm afraid of them and don't feel comfortable. I also have a hard time relating to men mentally and emotionally so i never really saw a point in being close to men. I guess I really need to find more positive male relationships so my perspective can change of them.
Connor, I feel so sorry for you. I could really feel your frustration. I agree with you when you say it's your feelings and it's okay to feel this way about men, yes, you are right. However, those feelings are somewhat affecting you negatively in your life. Therefore, don't get this wrong, but have you ever considered to seek help (therapy)?
I deal with this issue a lot too. Especially with being a bisexual trans guy I've experienced this both as a man and as someone who was read as a girl and my experiences with men has made it very difficult for me to be able to be close with men in a romantic or intimate way, especially cis men. I have only dated one man that never made me at least slightly uncomfortable/fearful of my safety. While I have had bad experiences with women it's not comparable and I've never feared that I would be assaulted by them. This isn't a commentary about women being better because I do realize there are plenty of abusive women and plenty of great guys who wouldn't ever want to make me feel that way. I'm just speaking about my experiences and trying to say I totally get where you're coming from on this.
never have I ever related so much to a video in my life. so thank you for having the courage to post something that so many of us feel
I have always fancied men (I am bisexual) but I am so insecure around men and just so scared because of all the experiences I have made... I totally understand you.
I know this is an older post. However, I just watched it and it really made me feel more comfortable about who I am. Just wanted to thank you man from being able to be that comfortable.
Thank you for making this video Connor! It's actually really validating for me. As a Freshly Minted Bisexual™ I've become aware of many many ways bisexual people are invalidated. Thanks for the helpful push in the other, healthier direction. You're super great.
Thanks for talking about this. This is something I've never struggled with but i know a lot of men who have. You always bring about such great conversation around bisexuality and the pressure to prove how bi you are. You are such an amazing positive force in the world. :)
Hey Connor,
I had a similar experience of harassment at this year's Pride. It was my first time in a club, and a Queer space and the entire thing turned out to be incredibly stressful. I had a very unpleasant encounter with a woman who then proceeded to target me throughout the night despite repeated insistence that I was not interested. I don't know it really bothers me that drinking and hookup culture can make these environments and interactions unsafe. All this to say that I would have to agree that your feelings of fear are incredibly valid. Wishing you all the best, thanks for the video
my heart broke because i was like ohmygod i cant be with him.
but then my heart broke for other reasons. thank you for this video
You're not alone in feeling that way! I'm bi and haven't dated women. I have a pretty messed up childhood because of several men. I'll leave it at that. I'm still in the gay culture, but I'm very wary. By necessity I've had to be really "mean" to some people because it seems that's the only way to be taken seriously when a guy is harassing you. It's messed up.
I'm also trying to lead a more sober life and gay culture makes that really, really hard. It seems like everyone I know is drinking and doing coke, molly and poppers every weekend. I wonder sometimes if I would be happier without them.
I'm so sorry for those negative experiences you've had with men. That's terrible and NO ONE deserves to have anything like that happen to them. You don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with, and you certainly don't have to put yourself in a position in which you feel vulnerable to prove your sexuality to anyone. I really admire your strength, stay strong. You're amazing, man. I subbed on the first video I watched of yours, I could see how relatable and genuine you were from the start. I assume you'll make it pretty big here on RUclips. Keep it up and keep being you no matter what. ❤️
I feel exactly the same, as a bisexual woman. I have had bad experiences with men and this led to me questioning my bisexuality for a long time, thinking that it was me just WANTING to be attracted to women. I've accepted myself now, but it is still hard. In some situations, I seem like I am a lesbian because of how little I interact with men. But in other situations, I seem like I am straight because I also don't display huge signs of attraction towards women, almost always refusing dates and pushing people away. I don't understand why it is so hard for people to understand that I don't have to date or be totally comfortable with both genders to still be bisexual. Just because I am afraid of certain types of men doesn't mean I don't get along with men and it doesn't mean that I instantly hate or am scared of every man I meet.
I haven't related to something like this in a long time. I should've watched this video of yours ages ago.
It's good to feel like I'm not a fraud?
I know what you mean. I'm a bi female, and I have also experienced assault and harassment from males since as early as grade school age, so I don't really date men. I have only been in one relationship with a man, and I think it's because he was bi and very feminine, and most importantly smaller than me (so i felt that I could easily fend off any unwanted advances). I know that not all men are rapists or child molesters, but (esp as someone with severe anxiety) it's hard to move past my own experiences.