Brené Brown on Empathy
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- Опубликовано: 20 сен 2024
- What is the best way to ease someone's pain and suffering? In this beautifully animated RSA Short, Dr Brené Brown reminds us that we can only create a genuine empathic connection if we are brave enough to really get in touch with our own fragilities.
Voice: Dr Brené Brown
Animation: Katy Davis (AKA Gobblynne) www.gobblynne.com
Production and Editing: Al Francis-Sears and Abi Stephenson
Watch Dr Brené Brown's full talk 'The Power of Vulnerability' here:
• The Power of Vulnerabi...
Dr Brené Brown is a research professor and best-selling author of "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead" (Penguin Portfolio, 2013).
She has spent the past decade studying vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame.
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Well deserved!! 👌
Besides the verbal teachings, I have so appreciated the animated visuals that illustrate the concepts. Very useful to share in many settings/purposes.
I
Did you win?
"I don't even know what to say right now , I'm just glad you told me." Wish more of my friends knew that phrase instead of dumping advice on me.
I came to the conclusion (based on my own experiences with depression, deep and repetetivve one) that trying to help thru advice often does more harm than good
Actually the person that truly helped me, realized that maybe there isnt anything she can do. So she simply was there for me. Even if i wrote one message in half hour (depressed people can be so slow, having problem with single sentence that takes few minutes to form) she simply was there for me, for to talk or not talk and just share her presence with me.
I wish people would realize that dumping advice can do more harm than good. And sharing your presence with the other person (without necesity to talk, just being close) is the best help that they can offer.
@@petergraywolf5765 Presence is something that most people wouldn't even know what it means. Awareness and connection are not really valued in our culture, generally.
@@marshwetland3808 i understand that it is big issue in our modern culture(s) , thats why i speak about it. To maybe open eyes of few people, about how ot help someone in depression (not to mention that it applies to other situations too, not just to depression)
my philosophy kinda is ,,if i suffered, i can teach others how to avoid this suffering" for example tips about how to get out of depression (since i went thru it myself) , or how ot help someone in depression (since i was both in the position of depressed one, and also in the position of trying to help people with depression)
spreading knowledge, wisdom (that comes from truthful experiences, not from theories) sharing knowledge, is in my opinion very important. And compassionate.
I've made this mistake plenty of times, the problem is that when you care about someone and they let you in on their problems it's hard not to feel a call to action, to slay the metaphorical dragon and save your friend from the beast.
It takes many lessons in humility to understand that most of the times nothing you could ever say would makes things better and that more often than not even if it could that wouldn't help anyway.
Even right now I'm having a hard time not to slip back in my old ways and just straight up tell you what to think about your pushy friends.
The only thing I would suggest to you is to just make clear from the beginning that you're not looking for that sort of help or any help at all, most of us advice dumpers are not doing this because we think only we can solve the problem or to feel better about ourselves, we just tend to jump to the conclusion that this is what is expected of us and that coming back to you empty-handed after what you shared with us would just let you down.
sorry in advance if I ended up overstepping my boundaries, believe me when I say it was not my intention.
You have the type of friends that want to help you...my grandmother is like that she's always telling us what to do lol.
Empathy doesn't start with 'at least', or 'chin up', or 'get it together' or 'get over it'... it starts with the silence of listening
Yes but my wife hates it when I say nothing, I said “I listening to what you said“ and she would say “and“? I would say “yes that is so terrable, you must feel so bad“. This could go on I could give her a hug and come the next day it would start over. She would say “it's your fault!“ I would say “ am so sorry“. She responds with “it's too late!“ I would be like “Oh, I can write you an apoligy“. She responds “ that is so anti social! Don't waist my time!“
@@charlesmichaelschmitt6412 sometimes it depends on what kind of person whom you will give that empathic gesture, give her what she want. But if u really dont know what to say to your wife just hug or hold her hand
@@annekathbarba7696 A hug or hand hold in the moment of upset is a micro aggression and will only deepen the divide. It's dismissive and empty. You don't know Charles Michael Schmitt so please don't offer advice that can only harm.
@@charlesmichaelschmitt6412 I would suggest a marriage counselor.
And making them feel that you understand them
"Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection." True dat.
"Rarely can a response make something better." But that doesn't mean it never can. There are a lot of people who actively refuse any help even when it's quite possible. I believe we should strongly distinguish between responses that annoyingly attempt to reduce the severity of a problem, and those with a cold, rational, but potentially helpful advice, even if it's judgemental in the form of a future prevention of the same issue. I believe that people who never take any preventative steps have no hope in reducing the frequency of their troubles. Imagine someone who causes 80% of their own issues by their own wrong behavior. Why does our consensus imply that it's correct to create your own problems and unnecessary drama? A healthy judgement is a required part of the feedback loop of our psyche. And I believe that those who complain also have the same responsibility over explicitly stating whether they want help or not. Sure, sometimes you don't want to hear that it's "your own fault", or that it will "get better", etc., but that doesn't mean you should never get that feedback. There should be a place and a time for that, at least after you get better (because that's when people typically get lazy, which basically makes them deserve at least some of the reprocussions - because people aren't always correct by default!).
Oof. Too real.
"Empathy is not connecting to an experience, its connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience" -Brené Brown
Empathy is owning the emotional experience as if it was your own. It's being present to what's going on. Marvin
@@gilliganob1442 whole heartedly agree when you write being present. Such good insight. You’ve inspired me think, if it’s okay, adding on that it doesn’t have to be owning it as if it’s your own, because someone’s pain may be outside of our experience and we can still connect with our own deep compassion for the range of human conditions and emotions…empathy can also include space we hold to listen to the music behind the words, the emotions of the person who feels them and show up for them in ways they find comforting and supportive. Yknow?
4 qualities
- perspective taking
- staying out of judgment
- recognising emotion in other people
- communicating that recognition of emotion
A man of culture.
the only people who think are liars
the only people who live are sick
AWESOME
Thank you.😀
"Empathy is a choice, and it's a vulnerable choice because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling." So great and true.
💛 Yes. 💛
This
Sympathy = "I see your pain". Empathy = "I feel your pain"
fantastic answers so simple put on!
apathy = "I could care less about your pain"
What if l don't?
@Marmite You dont, it happens automatically. Not eveyone is wired up that way.
@Marmite Most proberly. Not sure if its just the brain though.
I had a friend from school about 30yrs ago. He had a heart transplant and after the operation he was such a different person.
He had all these memories that where not his memories but as we later found out where that of the person who the heart belonged too. My friend use to be quite a thug and always get into trouble for commiting crimes mostly robberies. After his heart transplant he was totally the opposite person he use to be.
He became such a gental caring and compassion deep person and gifted in music art & poetry. The person who the heart originaly belonged to was a music writer, Landcape painter, and use to write poetry.
My conclusion is that the whole body is wired up to be a certain way. How it responds to life is based on two factors (1 our Genes) (2 our conditioning) Two factors that nobody chooses or is in control of.
So im not sure if its just the brain I
I've watched this video 3 times already. I keep coming back to see it cause it just connects with me so much. After my dad unexpectedly passed away, I've learned that there are 4 types of people who try to comfort you.
1) The moose who tries to say "At least.." in everything, hoping to cheer you up. They're the ones that keep saying, "Look towards the future!" and "Move on!"
2) Those that don't know what to say, so they just ignore you and hope that by the time they connect back with you after several months and years, you'll be perfectly fine again. They're the ones that don't know how to do the healing, so they simply ask "How are you?" every time they see you, hoping that they will finally hear "good" from you.
3) Those that don't know what to say, so they start talking about how good their life is and obviously try too hard to make the mood light and happy, which ends up doing the opposite effect.
4) The bear. The ones that simply listen and say, "That is traumatic." and "It's okay to cry."
This was really helpful to read. Thanks for sharing.
Was that a moose?
My papa passed away on 31th July,, just two weeks back,,, we share the same pain,,, we all need the bear ,,,hugs
@Aimee Levens I'm so sorry. The journey to motherhood is portrayed as something that falls into womens laps. Its almost as though, as soon as we intend on becoming mothers, it becomes a challenge. Its a dark and lonely place and one I hope more women decide to talk about. I am in the middle of trying and I feel like I'm racing some clock.
I want to be the bear. I strive to be the bear. I don't always succeed at being the bear.
Sympathy by well-meaning friends after my mom died young: "I'm sorry about your mom. At least she's not in pain anymore." Empathy: "I don't even know what to say. I can't imagine what you're feeling but I'm here for you." The person who empathized would show up out of the blue and take me to eat, knowing that was something I'd forget. She didn't say, "I'm sorry," but she gave me far more than anyone who did.
Nothing wrong with both statements. They both show condolences.
If someone said to me, "I'm here for you", it would sound utterly hollow. What does "being there for someone" even mean?
The last few words, "rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection." Brilliant.
Never has a 3 minute animation short explained things so perfectly.
So asking "What do I say at a funeral?" is the WRONG question to ask.
The correct question is "How do I connect with the grieving?"
Well, that's solved one of the biggest conundrums I've had for a while. Thanks!
Not that you asked but if you want here is some things that may work if you are in that situation although it has to come from your heart. You could say I pray you find some comfort during this time of hurt. Or I know you probably do not want to eat but when you find the strength I brought you these so you don’t have to cook. Or I am here for you when or if you want someone to just listen or hold your hand Or I brought you a bottle of wine because I know how hard it is going to be to sleep and some fruit because I know you don’t want food when everything hurts this bad and a sleeping bag in case you do not want to be alone. I am only one call away, you don’t have to say anything. I will see your number and be on my way.
My Dad was a funeral home director and then left for another profession. But even though he was no longer in the profession, I watched him as one of the most amazing "connectors" during funerals I had ever seen. When I was 14 we went to a funeral together and I told him, "I feel awkward. I don't know what to say." He told me to watch him. Although he said the words "I'm sorry about your loss" it wasn't the words. it was him giving his "presence", staying in the other's space, listening carefully, and sharing in their grief. He was like that big bear in the video. His words could have been misused by me, "I'm sorry for your loss..." move on... But I did in fact see him making connection. This video nicely crystalized this for me, though I did get the lesson years ago. Now I have the words to share with others.
At a funeral some will feel empty looking at their experiences with love ones and some will truly remember what it was like to be experiencing the best times they had with loved ones, and can focus on taking what was positive that they loved about the person and applying energy into something worth while
Connecting with others can allow them to naturally connect to them self in memories
As we are more likely to say what was it like from your point of view, or tell me about what being there was like when someone says im looking at/disconnected or following these thoughts
What makes connection effective is more than caring or understanding, feed back, language and tone changes and well as other things we might need to understand quantum physics to even begin to understand
people respond to changes you make in yourself as you change your words, energy, intention and intended outcome. Getting someone to view internal images from their own (1st) perspective is just the being
So true! I remember in the hospital many years ago with a badly crushed and mangled leg, doctors saying they may have to amputate....ugh, I was in shock and a lot of pain. Many friends and family came to visit. To me, in the state of shock and horror at the thought, their words, meant well, but felt empty.The only person whose words felt real and empathetic was my youngest son (at the time, in his early twenties), who held my hand and simply said, "I know how you feel." And I instinctively knew he knew.
Not at the time, but some time later, I realized why his words were empathetic. He, too, had had the experience of shattered bones earlier in his life through an accident. He had 'felt' the feelings and the pain. He knew! I was and am so grateful for his words. They truly gave me hope.
I healed (as did he) and we both are just fine. The experience, for me, drew me closer to him. It was inclusion, rather than exclusion. During the experience, the space between us lessened, we drew closer together. I have always remembered that moment and been very grateful for him being there with me at that time.
empathy is "i don't understand you, but i believe you and trust your experience"
"You don't listen to respond. You listen to understand."
"Because the truth is, rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection." Wow. This is fantastic.
"One of the things we do sometimes, in the face of very difficult conversations, is we try to make things better."
We should be "care takers"; not "cure givers".
Bravo! Responses don't make people feel better, connections make people feel better.
The reality is…we need both. It’s not a good idea to paint one as bad and the other as good. Sympathy involves compassion and a desire to help and aliviate suffering. (the world needs this) Sympathy and Empathy are not mutually exclusive of each other.
with that…great lesson.
Sadly only a few people understand that. I'd say empathy is worse when you're dealing with someone depressed. Compassion is the best option in most cases. And yeah sympathy isn't evil
I think empathy HAS compassion and the desire to help but expresses it in a more effective way.
Sympathy might want to alleviate suffering- obviously, because they just want to end your problem without understanding how you feel
I don't want sympathy
@@phyxiuss sympathy is an automatic human reaction, it's not negative. no one is 'giving' sympathy they are responding to difficult stimulus and automatically responding. It's not a bad thing.
@@jawmama99 i don't care how you view it. It's rude for me
I found this video bc my older sister is recently widowed and she got peeved with me always trying to "FIX" her problems when she called me. Anyway, I realized that we were never taught some of this emotional intelligence stuff bc our childhood home/parents were very tense and stressed and we were told to stifle our emotions. "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" and "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps" and that sort of talk. This shows me that I need to learn these skills to fill in a "gap" in my "educations'. And not beat myself up over it and problems my ignorance caused over the years.
This should be a children's novel!
@@IngasVideos How would it need to be "more kid friendly"?
The sympathy described in this video is NOT true sympathy, it's more like pity.
The prefix sym- means "together", "with", e.g. symphony, symposium, symbiosis. Sympathy literally means I experience your suffering with you, or "I share your pain."
even though you're literally blocking my only way out
- Take the perspective of the other person.
- Staying out of judgement
- Recognize emotion in others and communicate it with them.
- Feeling with people
So many lessons in this video. How quickly we judge others. We all need to relearn how we connect.
All people want is to be validated in what is going on in their life and to be loved. So, this video is perfect to teach the connection part of a relationship. Don't try to fix it, just find it in your heart to love them.
Absolutely!
I was assigned to watch this video for a discussion board assignment in my social work course. I cannot get over how calming Dr. Browns voice is.
This is interesting. I'm not sure if I agree wholeheartedly, but it's interesting. I'm autistic, so according to stereotypes, I am incapable of empathy (Ugh, stereotypes...)
I'm not sympathetic at all. I never tell people , "I'm so sorry for your loss," or make those facial expressions people have tried to train me to do.
What I do instead is help them. I work at a summer camp, and my ability to work with upset/crying kids is stuff of legend. Because I'm the only counselor who doesn't say "Just relax and join the group" or "No one else is upset over this. Look, they're all calm!" or "We're doing this right now. You have to do this. Calm down and do this with the group." I actually help them calm down, by sitting with them and talking, or letting them be away from the group for awhile. You know why? Because I get it!
I don't just say, "Aw, I'm so sorry about that." Actually, I never say that. Is that why the world thinks I'm un-empathetic?
+SissyFlower5 sISSY, THIS IS A GREAT POINT
+B Nettles This is what I've been trying to tell people for years! I may be completely deadpan but I AM STILL FEELING YOUR PAIN. Not everyone reacts to emotions in the same way. But it doesn't mean we don't have them!
+SissyFlower5 You sound like a wonderfull person.
To have empathy is all about understanding. To help a nother person for the sake of that person is to be a friend. Some people are very good friends, but might not have the same ability to understand a nother persons problem. You are obviously a very wise and understanding person.
+SissyFlower5 I personally hate this video. I fell it shits on sympathy, and raises empathy to be a golden blindfolded wound-licking-loves-company standard, with their in actuality being so much more depth between empathy and sympathy even with simple definitions of (though there's multiple) of "sharing feelings with another person" and "Feeling, often bad or sadly, for another person."
That all said, your comment, saying "This is what I've been trying to tell people for years!" is so great, *I find it actually outshines the whole video without even picking apart all the flaws I could find in it*.
Thanks :)
+SissyFlower5 This is what pisses me off so much about just calling it empathy. There are to my knowledge two types.
What they "say" you lack or have trouble with is cognitive empathy. This could mean you have trouble reading or understanding peoples emotional states or "reading a " as it were. This means subtitles and certain ways of thinking are often lost to those under the autism spectrum.
However, from what I understand, those under this spectrum usually have emotional empathy in spades. Often higher than "neurotypicals" as it were. Emotional empathy is the ability to understand someones pain.
This reflects a lot of autistic encounters. Once someone under the spectrum realizes and understands that someone is hurt or that they may of been the cause, even if they may not get why, they instantly feel pretty terrible.
A lot of people compare autism to psychopathy. This is false. They're basically opposites. Psychopaths have low or missing emotional empathy and incredibly high cognitive. They read people like a book, but have no physical capacity to care or find worth in them and their experiences. Everyone is a stepping stone or a toy. No one else exists except them.
Any expert can correct me if I'm wrong. I'm relaying what I've learned and what I've personally experienced with those under the spectrum of autism.
Empathy is walking a mile in someone's shoes. sympathy is being sorry their feet hurt.
Why would we want to crawl into the dark hole that someone has climbed into? Isn't it better to reach in - from up top - and help them out?
The problem we encounter is getting sucked into their darkness - especially if we've been there before. It could trigger wherever put us there in the first place.
Now there are some things I can be empathic about and can (and do) help others out all the time. I'm there for them whenever they need me, But I do it with some detachment. I trained as a counselor and you cannot help others if you are in the same place they are in. You've got to be in a better place. (Up the ladder). [The 'sandwich' reference was somewhat flippant.]
I am commenting here because I'm always hearing people say "I'm an empath" - like its a quality to be revered. These people are unhappy! They say they feel everyone's pain! They're suffering with others. Again I ask, how can you help them when you've taken on their pain/depression, etc?
Yes you are describing connecting them to hope. It is not having to crawl down in the dark hole, but just be present with them. Agreed.
Everyone is different and not all situations are the same. For me Empathy is not a choice, it just happens spontaniously. What Ive learned since childhood is to switch Empathy off because it can become overbearing and draining at times. Whats important is connection, thats where the love is. ❤
Personally, I agree with the comment about connectting with others, always be there for them if they need but try not to trigger wherever put us into their darkness. Because it is easy for people who tried to be empathy to be suffered with others' pain, get overwhelmed and finally even need to see a therapist themselves because of too much empathy to others. I would suggest people to choose to be empathy or not first as long as themselves in a good condition at first.
Interesting point. Perhaps the video would be better showing a peaceful and safe place instead of a dark hole. The value I see in this talk is simply listening without judgement or trying to intervene. Most of us feel compelled to "help" and inadvertently invalidate or shut someone down during a vulnerable disclosure.
To me, people talking down to me from a better place means they do or understand. & I feel like, even when I wish I were dead, that I have to pretend to be better too. I fake smile & get away. More exhausted for the effort of being where someone else needs me to be. My grandmother lost her husband, whom she dearly loved. She was hurt by people’s well meaning sympathy for years after the fact. But one Freud sat with her. Never said a word sat next to her & cried. That was more comforting & precious to her than that friend will ever know. I was deeply hurt. & scared many years ago. I ran away. I saw a friend, as I was fleeing, & stopped & told him what had had happened. He cried. No one has ever cared about me enough to invest emotion in me before. Always detached. Superior. Maybe condescending & sympathetic. But those tears saved my life. It made that much of a difference. We cannot do it that all the time for everyone. But it matters on ways we may never know when we do. It showed me that someone saw me, saw my pain. & understood. I have been used to people trying to justify their coldness by saying I can’t be there with you, it’s too dark. Fine. Walk away then. But not being able to connect means you do not understand. & nothing from on high & better places will ever convince me that you do. 🤷🏼♀️
That is so lovely, "Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.". Powerful stuff. Thank you Brené.
Empathy is really a choice indeed.
Some people simply couldn’t hold back and keep talking, but I do think that listening to what others said is truly important.
It is tiring to connect to my bad and heavy memories in order to feel what others feel.
That’s why I treasure those who are willing to listen and put themselves in the others shoes.
There are less and less people who choose empathy in the society nowadays, which is quite pathetic.
Improved Transcript:
So, what is empathy and why is it VERY different than sympathy?
Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection.
Empathy... It's very interesting. Theresa Wiseman is a nursing scholar who studied professions - very diverse professions - where empathy is relevant, and came up with four qualities of empathy:
[1] Perspective taking - the ability to take the perspective of another person, or recognize their perspective as their truth. [2] Staying out of judgment - not easy when you enjoy it as much as most of us do. [3] Recognizing emotion in other people, [4] and then communicating that.
Empathy is feeling WITH people. And to me… I always think of empathy as this kind of sacred space. When someone's kind of in a deep hole, and they shout from the bottom, and they say, "I'm stuck. It's dark. I'm overwhelmed." And then, we look and we say, "Hey!" And climb down..."I know what it's like down here. And you're not alone."
Sympathy is, "Ooh!" "It's bad, uh-huh?" "Uh... No. You want a sandwich?"
Empathy is a choice and it's a vulnerable choice, because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling. Rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with, "At least..." ...Yeah. And we do it all the time because - you know what - someone shared something with us that's incredibly painful and we're trying to "silver [line]" it. I don't think that's a verb, but I'm using it as one. We're trying to put a silver lining around it.
So,
[problem:] "I had a miscarriage."
[empathetic response:] "At least you know you can get pregnant."
[problem:] "I think my marriage is falling apart."
[empathetic response:] "At least you have a marriage."
[problem:] "John's getting kicked out of school."
[empathetic response:] "At least Sarah is an A-student."
But one of the things we do sometimes in the face of very difficult conversations is we try to make things better. If I share something with you that's very difficult, I'd rather you say, "I don't even know what to say right now. I'm just so glad you told me." Because the truth is, rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.
This is so so true and really hits home. When my little dog was really ill before she passed away in April, I got so sick of "well at least she had a good life", ''well at least you did everything you could" etc etc or "my dog died last year/month/week " etc There was only two people who showed absolute empathy, when I told one friend she was ill, she said '' go home and give her lots of kisses from me ", exactly what needed to hear, not someone trying to fix the situation. On the day she died another friend came round with flowers and ice cream, just what was needed. She was the one that didn't try to make me feel "better" , she was the one who drove me wherever I needed to go, cemetery etc and would drive an hour a day so we could walk somewhere nice. She suggested taking our drawing pads to a local park in Beverly Hills. Their empathy was so natural and effortless,
Sympathy =im sorry you are going through this. Empathy= im so sorry you are going through this, I feel your hurt and I wish you weren't going through this. Im here for you.
Im an Empath. I know very well how it goes. Its ok too. I feel the pain when someone hurts themselves. Thats a real empath. I also feel broken hearts. And I know immediately if ive hurt someones feelings which I try so hard not to do. But once in a while it happens and then I beat myself up for saying or doing whatever I did. Empathy can be mentally painful.
I dont like the term empath. What does that even mean? Why put yourself in a drawer?
Too much empathy is a curse and actually leads to worse emotion recognition in others because you are filled up with your own distress. I know this very well, too. Its probably because of a childhood where ones own feelings were not very important. So its kind of a trauma response? And its not a good thing. There are several studies that show this correlation.
@@coldshatterhand I had a horrific childhood. Probably a lot of truth to that
@@coldshatterhand it is a curse. If I happen upon a story on here about a helpless animal that was badly injured by a 2 legged predator. It hurts me so much. It makes me cry. Even more so than when they kill people. I rarely cry watching true crime even involving children. But put some fur on it and I'm a basket case. Torn between crying for the suffering the animal went through and the fact that I want to harm the person that did it. So yes empathy is stressful.
I almost cried while watching this as it reminded me of my own fight with depression. It was delivered in a very empathetic way. It built connection.
My communications teacher showed this to me a year ago and it seriously changed my relationship with a lot of people. I freaking love it. I share it with everyone who brings up empathy around me, and I try to watch it every few months just to remind myself not to fall back in the, “at least” way of thinking ❤️
Eight years later, I still love these videos and wish more would be made. They're perfect and easy for people to relate to. Thank you for them. Don't ever remove them.
If you translate the Greek for "sympathy" you get "fellow-feeling," or even more literally "together suffering" but there is definitely more distance in how the interaction plays. Empathy is more close, personal and passionate, while sympathy is understanding but from a distance.
Belated Media thank you. I've often received sympathy, self described as empathy. It has a subtle distance, a micro-feeling of superiority.
I think she is trying to anchor a difficult-to-describe concept to the word sympathy, primarily as a means of better defining empathy in its modern context (another word she anchors new concepts to). Language is a strange thing.
I think when she says 'Sympathy', she means all at once, "Encouragement", "Advice giving", "Helpfulness", "Consolation", et al. These are all more likely to be behaviors driven by judgment and problem-solving rather than by unfiltered perception, compassion, connection and truly sharing in the other persons' feeling.
That's actually not accurate, it's the other way around.
www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/sympathy-empathy-difference
@Marten Dekker Sym-pathy DOES LITERALLY mean 'with-feeling' (from the Greek) as does com-passion (from the Latin). The much-overused & much-misused term 'empathy' has become popular in recent years to mean precisely that. 'Pity' used to be seen as a good thing in Victorian times, but has come to seem condescending or patronising, which now seem supercilious & unpleasant.
'Sympathy' does NOT mean 'looking down on', as you rightly say is minimising etc - it means sharing the feeling.
Sympathy is separate from the other and, generally from one unable to understand what the other is going through but desiring to say something they perceive as kind.
So many great comments here. I'm reminded of a scene in the movie Inside Out where Joy is constantly trying to make people joyful by telling them to ignore the bad while Sadness just sits, listens, and seemingly commiserates with others. I tend to interpret sympathy as trying to tell people to get out of their dark world and come join me in my beautiful world while empathy is withholding judgment and simply be there for them, for better or for worse. The final words in the video were the most powerful--rarely does a response make something better; what makes something better is connection.
Empathy is not always a choice though. You can choose to be empathetic, but sometimes, when you see someone else in a tense situation, you feel the emotions you feel they are feeling. Like if someone get's kicked out of a class you're taking and you get embarrassed or flustered because they are, or you would be if you were in their shoes.
I disagree - even in that situation, you are making a choice. You do not have to feel that way under those circumstances (although I admire you greatly for allowing yourself to). The alternative is to shut yourself off, to numb yourself to it, which is something many other people choose to do, sadly. And that is what feeds disconnection and shame.
+manakin5 It's a choice? No, not really. Not for me. I don't "allow" myself to feel what others feel-It's default. I have to work so hard to *avoid* this. Generally by keeping to myself.
@@manakin5 Not everyone has that choice. When I feel other people's emotions I can't shut them out or avoid them. I have to literally leave that situation or try to shoulder through it. The idea that empathy is a choice minimises the feelings of people with too much empathy and demonises people with low empathy because neither can help it.
I think we may be talking about two different things here. I was speaking more about direct conscious empathic connection with another person, not necessarily subconscious empathic connection which I think is what you and camilla (and perhaps the OC) were referring to. The latter happens whether we want it or not, I agree. But I think the former is largely voluntary, and does require courage to respond to. The people who shut themselves down, distract themselves, externalize their anger and frustration, get defensive, other similar "othering" traits, those people are making a choice. Maybe some of those people lack a capacity for empathy and are psychopathic or sociopathic, but I imagine many of them still have a capacity for empathy but haven't been taught that it's ok or better to be that way.
Empathy is a choice. Choose actively and make it your habit!
💛 Yes, this video - 10000000%. 💛 Just stop, shut up, stop judging/being judgemental and listen. Be there for someone else, put yourself in their shoes, & feel what they feel without harming yourself or loosing yourself in it in the process. What helps people who are suffering is not glib advice, but knowing that someone is there with them. They can work it out when they feel better, when they feel less alone now that you’ve been kind to them - that’s part of their agency & auntonomy & right to do whatever they want with their own dang lives. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Brené Brown. From a life-long bear. May we all understand & practice the bear’s wisdom & compassion one day. 💛
"What makes something better is connection"
Such a simple and perfect explanation of #empathy
When you share some ones pain and suffering they are not on their own you are letting them know you are there with them and they are not alone the power of Empathy does this in a unique way.
I don't know if i'm in a really feely mood right now, but this video brought me to tears.
Same. No idea why.
same :( and i don't get teary often!
If ONLY people right now in 2020 could see this and take it to heart ❤️
Awwwwww
Fox: "I'm feeling very suicidal."
Deer: "At least you haven't done it yet :)"
hellsgate700 i shouldn’t laugh at this
Bro, it's a moose.
As a suicidal person, I laughed at this xD
Churlz same.
@@ChurlzVA Heheheheheh... Same. :)
A famous greek playwright said something to the effect of 'if you know how to write tragedy perfectly, you know also how to write comedy'.
Thank you for the statement, "I don't know what to say right now. I'm so glad you told me." that I can use for my response when I hear someone else's pain. Another empathy killer in addition to "at least..." is "it won't last..." I am going to send a link to my friends to help you on your way to 3 million views!
Mary Lou Green,you must be a kind being 💓☺️🙏🤙
Even my Social Work professor blessed us with this woman. Dr. Brown, your sweetness is received by my spirit. Empathy has bitten me very hard in the past. It's the most vulnerable of virtues to take up. You're the sweet drops of rain that fall upon bitter people. Sometimes it makes its way into our lips...thank Mrs. Brown!!!!!!
So simple, so insightful and so powerful. Remember to be this way towards our own selves as well! Relate with ourselves and be kind with ourselves, THAT is intimacy and power. Then you can share what you have developed with others that are in your life and be a healing force in this world.
Eldon Moore - Exactly.
+Eldon Moore Self-reflection :')
There are no perfect words. But there are perfect feelings. Empathy is one of'em.
"What makes something better is (a vulnerable) connection."
True connection requires vulnerability
loved this simple explanation of empathy vs. sympathy. For me, empathy communicates that you have been seen, heard, and valued. It communicates to the person that they are not alone and normalizes their feelings. Experiencing being understood can be the catalyst for the person to begin the process of healing/recovery.
Elaine Hansen, you must be a kind being 💓☺️🤙
I'm so glad that the Holy Spirit can lead us to what that connection is heart to heart, that makes something better.
What so non-Christian's are not capable of empathy?
For Christians, they believe the Holy Spirit guides and empowers them to go beyond their human ability (which is sometimes adamant in wanting to be selfish), to care for and empathise. I don't think the comment is saying anything about non Christian's ability to empathise. It is humanly possible. But for Christians, they rely on God's strength when they can't.
Empathy is very important in marriage and parenting. At least three times a day I'll need to take my ego out of a situation/conflict and listen for what's really going on. Then, to convey that they're not alone, and I get it, and accept them. Then to suggest a next step (which isn't always helpful, actually). It's exhausting, but it makes a more intimate family.
“I really don’t know what to say right now, but I’m just so glad you told me.” This is the reason folks come to AA and Al Anon meetings to find sanctuary. They find genuine nurturing from others, true empathy, and a way toward spiritual resilience. Over time, these brothers and sisters find a relationship with God, true fellowship with others, and progress toward a true identification with their divine nature.
You have to have been there to be empathic. With that said, if you’ve made the transition from dark to light, unknown to known, helping people stay in the dark is a disservice to humanity. We all want companionship and understanding, but we need truth to progress and evolve.
She took the best out of Sympathy and Empathy and attributed it to Empathy, they are both important.
Sympathy to me is to like someone so much you yourself feel like you need to help the other one out of the hole he is in,
Sympathy makes me give you a place to stay for a couple of weeks
Empathy lacks this trying of changing the situation, its simply embracing what the world is like for the other side and by feeling what the other feels easing their pain
That's an excellent explanation. Empathy is hard. The key part there is that willingness to feel what the other person is feeling. My defense mechanism is to NOT feel real sadness, or hurt or pain. Empathy kinda goes totally against that. Now I understand why it's so hard for me. Why my reaction is often defensive or fear based. I think I'm going to need therapy to learn to have empathy more naturally.
If you are naturally and uncontrollably empathetic, you must practice self protection. For those struggling with overwhelming sense of empathy and feeling that it affects their own well being - you must do your part of self care and love. Meditation helps some folks to ask for protection that way, some find working out/yoga, massage, and other relaxation modalities to benefit. When you do not have to try to be empathetic, sometimes that means you are energetically open (which is good) but you cannot be too much so...because again, life is about balance and you must find ways to balance your position with the ebb and flow that works for you and your own happiness.
CHANGE MY MIND
from what i understood from the video:
empathy - a form of validating our problems, feels good.
sympathy - offers solutions and help to problems that requires actions and hard, feels bad.
feels good ≠ good
feels bad ≠ bad
empathy is important to accept our problems, BUT sympathy (solutions and help) are MORE important because you must make a plan about how you gonna solve your problems for the problems to be solved.
Empathy is jumping into the quick sand to relate with the victim.
Sympathy finds a big sturdy stick.
Sympathy - Seek first to understand; empathy - I understand. I don't see a division in sympathy, I see a willingness to understand better.
Sympathy I see your pain Empathy I feel your pain. Thank you
Nothing wrong with sympathy then innit?
…
I have watched this so many times and have shown it to so many people. I wish everyone in the world would watch it.
0:54 Today I felt horrible. I went to class feeling extremely sad and it only got worst as the day went on. I was constantly holding back tears while in my classes and when I went to the final class, my prof showed us this video. At that moment, I was feeling okay, thinking that this short video was a chance to take a break and get my mind off of things. But then this particular moment in the video happened and a whole wave of sadness hit me. It seems completely random an silly but she described what I felt like in a few words and I almost broke down in the middle of class. My eyes watered and I was sniffling quietly, trying to pass it off as if I had a cold. Then the bear in the animation came down and said those simple words. Even though those words came from a random video and wasn't directed towards me, it pushed my to finally talk to my family and friends because I desperately needed someone to connect with and someone to talk to. Anyways random story and kinda depressing but just wanted to say thank to this video and its animators for making me realize that I need help and to find someone to talk to.
We're so happy to hear that our animation has in some way helped you, and we're glad to hear you have opened up to your family and friends - never feel alone x
This is why you we tend to surround ourselves with the people who can relate to us.
Important to remember that some neurodivergences and mental illnesses/disabilities can decrease empathy, so we shouldn't conflate empathy with compassion too much.
you sound like you have an agenda
The best description of the difference between Empathy and Sympathy I've ever come across - it shows me that I'm guilty of often going down the sympathy route as I am more comfortable trying to problem-solve than trying to form an emotional connection with the other person.
This is an excellent explanation. Absolutely brilliant! So many people don't know how to show empathy.
“In order to connect with you, I need to connect with something within myself” ❤it’s all down to connection and showing we are all human beings who should take the time for each other without judgment.
"I don't even know what to say right now, I'm just so glad you told me." Literally the thing I say to everyone who opens up to me (mostly in German, however). And I mean it that way, rarely can I do something about the issue, but I can always just be "there".
I have a stressful job, and I hate it when people say things like "oh well it's better to be busy" or saying something along the lines of 'at least you have a job'. I feel much better when I complain about something and the person who I'm saying this to is able to relate, because you do feel that you are not alone and this person understands what you're going through. 'Sympathetic' people don't seem to understand and that's very aggravating when you're trying to tell them about a bad time and they don't appear to get it.
While sympathy does not confer the same level of connection as empathy, it is still a powerful way of showing that you care about others. Pointing out silver linings will help people recover faster even if it doesn't immediately alleviate negative emotions. Trying to exclusively use empathy will lead to you pretending to feel what other people are going through when you really haven't. If somebody is suffering discrimination, and you've never been discriminated against, one of the best things you can do is express sympathy. One of the worst things you can do is falsify empathy.
Beautiful way to show HOW 'Empathy' connects us...
I went to a mental health facility for kids and DBT group. They played this to help teach us about empathy and validation, and its one of my favourite things to help with this kind of thing. it really teaches and shows how to feel for one another instead of putting others down when not meaning to. i love this.
Rarely can a response make something better.
What makes something better is a connection.
👏👏👏
The most powerful bit is the bit about 'connection', it's what we all seek, and so many of us are starved of
This hit me like a brick wall
Watching this for a class assignment, who else is on that same boat!
yes
When someone says to me "at least X", I am grateful that they are trying to make me happy. And to be honest, when I am depressed, it really does help to look at the silver lining, and I am glad that someone is trying to remind me of the good parts of my situation. Maybe this is just my stereotypically masculine perspective, but it means more to me when someone tries to help me rather than just connect with me.
For me personally, I'd take more comfort from the moose than the bear.
Thank you for this comment. I appreciate you sharing your perspective. I am currently struggling with my husband because I find him to be lacking in empathy - he is always in "moose" mode. Your comment has helped me to see that perhaps he does not intend to be insensitive but is perhaps trying to support me the way he would like to be supported. The funny thing is that a few years ago I also appreciated mooselike advice, and it was something that I prided myself on - I didn't want to mope, I wanted solutions to my problems. But at the moment, I recognise that there are no solutions to my problems because they are largely things I simply have to accept and heal from.
This is the case for me too!
What makes something better...is connection. Soooo true. This is true for most professions but especially the ones where empathy is the center. Nurses. You know I mean you!
I was listening to an audiobook while working today and she talks about empathy in the book. Her voice and the way she talked, a light bulb went off and i thought " NO WAY!" Pulled this video up -confirmed. Book I'm listening to : Dare to Lead By Brene Brown.
She’s wonderful. The words ring true. And the animations bring it to life.
I’ve seen this a million times and I love it like it’s the first time!
After watching this short, I realized how little empathy there is in the world.
Empathy, people have started to hate it for some reason. Judgement is the killer of connection.
"What makes something better is connection" Amen❤❤
"I have an alcohol addiction"
"at least it's not a meth addiction"
At least you have the resources to fuel your alcohol addiction
Daikyosenshi at least you have the mental and physical abilities to use those resources
Lol
both can put you in the grave easily, so there is no ranking for sure
@@simeonismyname agree
And being an empath, like myself, you take empathy one step further and can literally feel the emotions of another person as if they're your own. It's sometimes overwhelming but it's such a blessing to feel on such a deep level. The bad part though, is that you also take on negative emotions. That can be quite exhausting.
this is great.
I saw you link this on Twitter and the link didn't work, so I HAD to search for it on here. I'm so glad to have found this! Thank you!
thanks for sharing this on twitter
it is...i wish more people understood this
OMG HI!!!!!! I LOVE U
OMG
Empathy is sacrificing something(s) precious to you to make someone's life better and easier, which is why love without empathy is worthless.
Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.
A video everyone should watch! Excellent lesson from a lady who took the plunge at made herself vulnerable. There is a lot of power in vulnerability, but it is tough to put ourselves in a spot to be vulnerable. So happy this exists.
What !!! Let me do you a favor
this video is not based in reality, being vulnerable to anyone or anything or even your own emotions is a bad thing and both i and the rest of the world have absolutely no empathy or pity for the week minded, I’m not even telling you to be physically strong I’m simply telling you to grab life by the fuckn balls and control both your emotions and your life and never put yourself in a position where you have to rely on anyone or be vulnerable, me enlisting in the Marines was the greatest choice I ever made, they taught me the harsh truths of life without even having to say anything all I needed was to suffer and experience fear to understand how to control life and others, Darwin’s theory of evolution only the strong survive this planet and if your not strong then you better adapt to your environment real fuckn quick or you will alway be a victim
@@AJxxxxxxxx Darwin wasn't top shelf science and women experience life very differently from us, but I do agree that submitting to emotions and feelings we don't like is the key to unhappiness. The philosophy of stoicism is the answer and a little bit of Patrice O'Neal doesn't hurt-.-
according to research, empathy can affect our physical features, our face can change or mimic the facial features permanently to the person who we empathize. This is partly how the research explained on why married couple look more and more the same over the years.
I've seen a video of a white baby who's adopted into a black indigenous people, and when he grew up, his physical features changes and more closer to that of a black man. Although, I don't entirely believe empathy could possibly be the whole culprit behind it, but partly it possibly has to be.
This is absolute GOLD!
Snap? 😳 lol jk
No one cares bitch
@@brick5710 holy relax
Agree
Self awareness and empathy, a great explanation in below video
ruclips.net/video/E7szeLyhjTE/видео.html
Empathy is being able to have a connection with someone or understand what a person is going through. It's being able to share a deep feeling with someone. It is the ability of a person to imagine himself/herself in the situation of another person, including their emotions, ideas, or opinions. Whereas sympathy is seeing some else's pain but not being able to relate or understand. You just notice it. A lot of people don't understand the difference between the two and often confuse them when comforting someone. They don't understand what the power of words can have on a vulnerable person.
You know what this reminds me of??? That scene in Inside Out where Bing Bong shares with Sadness and Joy his feelings of loss over the last strand of bond he had with Riley, and Sadness presents such a touching example of EMPATHY while Joy gives a beautiful contrast with her presentation of SYMPATHY bordering on TOXIC POSITIVITY. Such a genius, genuinely moving scene...
Making space for Depth > Making space for Superficiality
is what this boils down to.
making space for depth sounds like making a wound in advance of being wounded
so that when somebody stabs you the knife fits perfectly and they're like wtf?
@ Either you trust the person or you don't, that's your decision to make
Loved the drawings, and when the 2 raining clouds got together and turned into a heart, it is awesome!
So now we know what the fox said, and it's really bumming us out
But it's good to be bummed out WITH someone. ;-)
"What makes something better is connection." So true! And so needed in our world today.