Sometimes I am hesitant to watch your videos, because I fear that listening to the topics of insomnia and anxiety will make me more anxious. But I know I will be better off to resist this hesitation and educate myself
Thank you for this video. For me, it’s not so much a fear of fear or insomnia, it’s more like fear of the consequences of too little sleep related to how I will feel the next day-irritable, fatigued, less efficient, etc. The fear of experiencing negative feelings the next day starts to interfere with sleep onset at a certain point when I haven’t been able to fall asleep. I can accept the negative consequences- in fact there is no choice because it is what it is. It’s just that I don’t like to go through them. Living with acceptance of occasional less than adequate sleep I consider to be the difficulty I face. Thank you again. Love the channel.
Hi Michael, and thanks for the support 🙂 I’m so glad you found value here on the channel and you may have already seen it but we have a playlist that may be helpful. It’s on unrefrshing sleep and how we feel the next day: ruclips.net/p/PL6RQ1GS7B1cje9e66guVo6BsSF-glS8c7 This said, you said something so helpful here… “in fact there is no choice”… it can sound disappointing but it can also be so liberating. And then when we aren’t trying to avoid whatever comes our way, things get easier 🙂
Daniel, your videos are so incredibly helpful .To realize that one is actually scared of being scared and that this is one of the reasons why insomina continues is a game changer. Thanks for the insight. Thanks for your commitment. Please keep making these videos. All the best from Germany-
Welllll I thought this video was custom-made for me ;-). After watching this, I did a little Googling to see what came up for "fearing fear" or "fear of fear," and I just had to share a few fun bits: 1) Fear of fear = phobophobia 2) Fear of fear, or "second fear," as described by Claire Weekes, keeps the first fear alive 3) “Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”: FDR’s First Inaugural Address 4) Viewer discretion advised ... NHS webpage on "10 ways to fight your fears": first step is to give yourself a time-out to physically calm down, then do something to distract yourself from the fear, like take a walk around the block...then they say to stay where you are and try not to distract yourself...and then comes the best part (wait for it, wait for it): "Simple, everyday things like a good night's sleep, a wholesome meal and a walk are often the best cures for anxiety." OMFG.
Kristen! So glad it super resonated 🙂 And for the research. I hadn’t made this connection that this is what Claire Weekes calls the second fear. Now I feel like rereading some of her work! NHS…NSF… AASM…. Don’t know what to say and you know what… sleep week is coming up, it’s gonna be bad.
Hey Daniel, love your videos, they truly have helped me through this difficult time. My issue is that I have a fear of fear because I am afraid that it will keep me awake. I don't want to be awake because I don't want to feel all the negative side affects of insomnia. I find it very difficult accept these side affects and I don't really know how to stop being afraid of fear when it causes them.
I just learned about your channel a few days ago. I am trying to digest and internalize all of my learnings from your videos cause it makes so much sense. It has been very helpful. But several times a day I still feel anxious, then I watch more of your videos to calm my mind and remind myself not to worry. I am waiting for the day that I don’t have to convince my mind that it’s okay, the day that my mind feels at ease all through out the day. 🙏
Hi Michelle, I’m so glad you found your way here and you know, when you’re willing to learn like you, our brain sees in a little time that there is no actual danger… and then the thoughts and feelings fade by themselves. You’ll arrive where you want to be 🙂
Thank you for this! Watched it with my partner and while she doesn’t struggle with sleep (unlike me!), she found it super helpful to manage emotions in general. Both going to practise smiling when this fear of fear comes up 😅
So glad it made sense 😊! And you know, it dawned upon me at some point that insomnia isn’t a sleep problem (!) as odd as it may sound. It’s a manifestation of fear… and then it also made sense that what helps when it comes to insomnia…it helps with so much else too!
Daniel, what can I do when I just can’t let go of control when I’m bed wanting to sleep? It’s like I forgot how to sleep now, I go to bed and I can’t just “do nothing”, I constantly monitor if I’m relaxed, if I’m falling asleep, I am trying to “do nothing” and then checking if I’m doing it right, then I’m trying to let go, but I just can’t...I honestly feel like I’m driving myself nuts. I have my whole life slept like a baby, I used to love sleeping, it was so relaxing and cozy, I loved being in bed, but now I see it as a war with my mind, as a struggle, as frustration. I get into bed and feel like I’ve got to do something, I feel anxious and feel like I have to control my thought in order to calm them down, I have to meditate etc to make myself sleep, I just can’t relax and let it all go. I know I have to let go and do nothing, but I can’t!! What should I do when I go to bed? What do normal people do? How can I be the old myself again, how can I sleep like I used to before insomnia? 😢
Hi Angie, You know when we ask “what can I do to let go of control” - there’s an assumption that we can do something to let go of control, which is a way of trying to have control 😉 Check insomnia insight 414, I think it can help!
Most interesting. I wake up each morning, and have for the past eight and a half years, with this thought: is this going to be a bad day (anxiety-wise - mostly symptoms, not worry per se) and I immediately experience symptoms that will last all day. There seems to be no way to avoid this thought, given its instantaneous nature. My doctor’s baffled, I’ve refused medication, and, in my 80’s, I’m really ready to throw in the towel. There’s really only so much a person can be expected to take.
Hi John, I’m glad you found this interesting and I think you’re really onto something here. I believe 100% that there’s no way to avoid any thoughts. Even if it’s not instantaneous, there’s just no way we humans have control over our thoughts. Now what can be so tricky though is that thoughts are only maintained when we try to make them go away. Let’s look at this! - Thoughts and emotions have very specific practical purposes. And they are actually fleeting at baseline. Imagine a squirrel that sees a car coming this way. He becomes really scared and runs away. But even if it’s on a different street it starts eating on a nut! It literally nearly died but now it’s eating seamingly happy! This is kind of a silly example but it just shows that emotions such as fear or anxiety (which come from thoughts like all emotions!) have that practical purpose of taking us to safety. But when we are safe, those emotions dissolve if not kept in place by ongoing thoughts! The difference between us and a squirrel is that we are Homo sapiens sapiens, we are man who can think about our thoughts. We can start to think that things like thoughts and emotions are wrong and that they shouldn’t be there. And when we try to get away from them, they stick around. The reason for example that so many people say that they cannot shut off the brain is that they’re looking for a switch. In other words again, thoughts and emotions are fleeting except when we try to stop them or control them. So as tricky as it is, it is when you allow any thoughts to happen without judgment and just sort of tuning into them without doing anything - that is when they become fleeting again because you’re not trying to stop them.
Hi Daniel thank you.so much for this great video again and congratulations for the 5000 subscribers hopefully with god grace we will go to 5000 more I recognize myself here I have mention it to in one of my comments being fear of fear I just started therapy for this and I mention you to my therapist that your videos and books and the community calm me down allot I was so scared of my insomnia and that became fear of the fear after learning from you my super high fear went down to low fear I can say it still there in the corner lurking but am doing much more better ! So thank you the bottom of my heart ♥️ have a blessed weekend 🙏🏽
Hi daniel. Im going through a speed bump. Like yesterday i felt like fear of having a thought that produces fear and activates the fight or flight response. Is like perceived threat of going or falling asleep and been awaken by a jerk or jolt that sends me to either fight or flight. I normally try to fill the sensations and then get out of bed if i want to but the thought of going to bed again tonight and seeing those same thoughts is also producing some anxiety. What donyou think. Thanks
Hello Daniel, One of my issue for sleep is that I get agitated very easily toward bedtime. I've noticed I get agitated by my husband actions. It sounds very silly and strange, but when he does something I didn't expect, his voice suddenly getting louder, him making sounds, and so on. I don't mean to blame him because he doesn't do anything wrong and is a sweet person and has been supporting my sleep issues patiently. Although I get agitated by his actions and after feeling agitated, my anxiety mode for sleep start and cannot change it... I notice that I am so sensitive with his gestures and voices for some reason even daytime. He uses gestures a lot when he talks and these sudden moves agitate me. Also with his voice getting louder all the sudden and so on. I think this agitation toward him started after one night that he said something very loud (sounded loud to me) voice, which I didn't expect when I was falling asleep. After that happened, I couldn't get sleep that night. My brain somehow set his unexpected voice as a "fear factor" or something? I have no idea how but after that, I've been so sensitive with his voice and gestures and I cannot change it. So, I started to try avoiding him before bed time and we sleep in the separate room for years... I want to sleep in the same bed as normal couples though. I also wanted to add that I have two young boys and I wouldn't get agitated by them at all, just by my hubby... (sorry to him...) I know it's very strange, but this is my issue. I would be very appreciated if you could give me some advice on it.
Hi! You know, when we see that insomnia happens because the brain has gotten an idea that it’s a threat being awake, then things become much more clear! Noise or gestures in themselves won’t affect our sleep much - but the idea that those noises or gestures will keep us awake, that can indeed make us quite scared and frustrated and make us struggle with sleep. And then when we try to avoid that which the brain thinks is a threat, it just reinforces the idea that there is a threat, there is something we should avoid, which maintains our fears and the struggle with sleep.. If you just spend a little more here learning, (check the This is Natto and success stories playlists, in the description) I think things will be much more clear!
Hi coach...hear me out. Is it normal to think whenever you try to go to sleep you "hear voices"? I have been having this issue lately and it really really bothers me and I feel extremely anxious. Please help if you have come across similar cases.
Hi Mohammad, As always nothing here is medical advice, always check with your doctor when you’re concerned about your health. I will say that hearing and seeing things that aren’t real just as we are transitioning into or out of sleep is quite common. Reading about hypnagogic hallucinations may help!
But Daniel to me its become the fear of the fact I can wake myself up with these hypnic jerks. For me it has always been the fear that I have this sort of 'bad power', to self-sabotage and ruin things by causing this..and I feel out of control and ashamed of it. But it is still a sort of fear of a fear I guess. That's why for me I feel it is important to build a self trusting element as well as allowing/letting go the whole thing. Urgh so difficult when it's become so automatic.
Yes yes yes, our brains are these self learning machines… and when there’s an automatic program running, it’s not easy. But just as the brain can develop these programs, it can develop new ones. Often just seeing that indeed there’s a fear of fear… a new program is already forming 🙂
@@thesleepcoachschool8192 Thank you dearly Daniel. God, I feel I am almost there 🥲It's like having been lost in an endless hall of mirrors 😬. You are so appreciated 😊
Hi Daniel,, oki i have started sleeping 6 hours every night,, so decided to open my sleep window and go to bed around 10ish but only too wake up after 6 hours in the middle of the night,, no matter what time a fall asleep i only get 6 hours of unrefreshing sleep than wake up,, how can i sleep for 7 hours or 8 ???
Hi Raju, Sorry of course to hear about the struggle but glad you’re here. And you know, this may sound quite unsatisfactory but I believe this - when we aren’t trying to sleep any certain amount…then there’s no pressure, and then sleep happens by itself. When we aren’t struggling, we mostly don’t know how much we sleep, and we feel fine… even if perhaps we slept 6 hours… so yes I think there’s an invitation to kindness and gentleness. When we don’t know what time it is, how much we slept, and we aren’t trying to achieve sleep or achieve a refreshed feeling… then they can happen by themselves
Hi! Thanks for the interest 🙂 You know, I’m focusing more and more on training coaches to really get reach. This said, Alina who does most of the 1:1 text based work is traveling right now so I’m actually taking clients in BedTyme. You can read more about this and other options on our website: thesleepcoachschool.mykajabi.com/ Best!
Thank you for this Daniel - super helpful! Question for you: how do you know when a medication’s withdrawal effects have ended and insomnia begins? I tapered off the last small dose of a medication 4 nights ago. In the past when I have reduced its dose each time, it disrupts my sleep quite a bit. I’ve been told it can take 10 days to go through the withdrawal. I’m not sure if what I’m experiencing now around night 4 is that withdrawal or has turned into insomnia. I have been taking a supplement to offset the effect. I imagine trying to figure it out would be part of the “problem” though it. Any tips here? My sleep had restored itself after the previous taper so this feels like a bit of a bummer.
Anytime! Thanks so much for the encouragement 😊 And you know, my reply would be something saying that when we aren’t afraid of being awake at night, it sort of becomes not so interesting to ponder when withdrawal has ended and insomnia begins. You know, because we would then be ok with having some choppy sleep as part of withdrawal, we wouldn’t pay much attention and then things would settle all by themselves. So often, we can learn so much about ourselves from our questions… we can see that we have some fear of not sleeping…and that this is what keeps us from leaving the struggle, and then what’s so helpful is that there’s no mystery. There’s no pondering, there’s just awareness. Those were my initial thoughts and I also would like to share some things on the general topic of rebound insomnia: - When you’re not taking medication then you are of course aware of that. And when you are aware of this, then you often wonder if you’re going to sleep or not. You wonder if you should maybe take half of it. You wonder if maybe you’re not gonna sleep at all for a long period of time. It is really this worrying and this preoccupation that makes you have trouble sleeping when you stop taking a certain medication! Sure, the absence of a chemical in the system can cause some excitement in the nervous system that it formerly was sedating, but that isn’t the main resoun for rebound insomnia - the main reason rebound insomnia happens is the worry and preoccupation that comes from knowing that you’re not taking the medication! Being aware of this can really help. And when you haven’t taken the medication for a while, and sleep comes back (which it always does!) you see that it was your body producing sleep all along!
@@thesleepcoachschool8192 Daniel may I ask another question? 1) I’ve been having these speed bumps where now I am hyper sensitive to noise: I have a family member who snores very loudly in the next room. When I wake up in the middle of the night and hear it, I instantly get irritated which then wakes me up more. Recently I have been switching to another room in the house in the middle of the night and struggle for the rest of the night. I can see what I’m doing here: reacting, getting upset, protecting my sleep - all fear based stuff, but I feel stuck in it. What should I remind myself of here? 2) I have been trying to keep my timeless window at 1030 even though I am so sleepy at 930. Recently I’ve noticed that by the time I do get to bed I am so irritated by my exhausting that I’m then hyperaroused. Should I just go to bed when I’m sleepy even if it’s at 945 or 10?
Hi DC! Thanks for sharing and you know, for anyone asking about noise, I highly recommend Talking insomnia 37, Joe has so much to sense! Here are my thoughts: It’s true that things like noise, hormone levels, alcohol, withdrawals, medications, side effects and thousands of circumstances can cause sleep disruption. But this is totally different from insomnia. And here is how you can tell one from the other: Sleep disruption is obvious. I was binge drinking and slept poorly. My husband snores like crazy and that’s annoying. The reason for not sleeping well is clear so there’s (1) no pondering/wondering/questioning/researching and (2) no fear or anxiety. Insomnia on the other hand is when there’s an ongoing struggle and it’s not clear that it’s the fear of not sleeping that’s driving the trouble. Therefore there are many questions as for why there’s no or choppy sleep, there’s researching and many theories, there’s trying things to sleep more. There are many teaching points here by the main ones are that the sleep disruption caused by an endless number of circumstances is real, but it’s not self-perpetuating. It stops when circumstances change. And if circumstances don’t change, then the sleep disruption will be at the level where it’s expected. Insomnia on the other hand ends when there’s understanding and clarity and you know nothing is wrong with you and there’s no more fear. Now here’s the thing: when it’s difficult to tell if we have sleep disruption or insomnia, it can seem important to figure out which it is. And this in itself can lead to lots of struggle. In reality, it isn’t important because both call for the same: they are both an invitation to okness. If we have a sleep disruption then this is an inevitable consequence of circumstances we cannot change. A call for no action. If we have insomnia then this is a surface manifestation of fear and it’s driven by the things we do to escape this fear. A call for no action. - When it comes to the timeless way, I think it helps to see that anything we do to control sleep, it becomes an effort! For example “I have to stay up until 10 pm because that’s when my timeless window starts” - here we can see this attempt to achieve sleep where (naturally, no criticism!) the timeless window which is meant to sort of guide us away from effort, becomes its own effort! So yes I think whenever we abandon rules that have come to mean efforts, this is nice. Because what is so true imho is that peace of mind and peaceful sleep requires no rules!
Hey you seem like a professional and I'm really confused now I have anxiety I know what it is I've experienced it but when I'm trying to sleep I don't have it. yet I have insomnia and my doctors think it's all anxiety I know when my insomnia is caused by anxiety and I admit it happens sometimes like once a month or twice. When my insomnia gets bad I do not have any anxiety nothing changed from the last time I've slept good same routine same sleep schedule same thinking process when trying to sleep I've never "felt" like I'm not going to sleep so it's not something I expect. And I know what sleep dread is and I have it sometimes but it's not what happens when I have insomnia that lasts more than 3 days It has no reason is it possible for insomnia to have no reason?
Hi! Thanks for sharing and asking and you know, there’s something that can be confusing that I call the wonder wall. Let’s take a look! - It can often seem odd that you don’t sleep even though you’re not anxious. Of course it does because if anxiety was the reason you had trouble sleeping, then when it fades you should sleep right? Here’s the thing, anything that makes us hyperaroused can keep sleep from happening. Imagine a kid before Christmas for example. They’re excited, not anxious. You know what else can create hyperarousal? Curiousity! Or puzzlement, being bewildered. So when you’re thinking “I’m not anxious so why am I not sleeping?” the answer is right there. It’s now the curiosity that’s keeping you awake! A natural next question becomes, so how do I become less curious? Guess what, you probably already have. Because when you understand something, there’s no mystery and less for the brain to figure out. But the best of all is that you’re less anxious. That may not seem like a big step right now because you slept little, but it is. As the anxiety fades and you’re no longer puzzled, sleep will come to you!
Congratulations on having 5000 subscribers. Question regarding fear, I have fear of waking up in middle of night and can’t go back to sleep, Advice given is to get up after 20 minutes but don’t watch the clock. How can I do both? I know I can estimate but then I’m fretting whether my estimating right? PS Still waiting for your book, ordered it a week ago! What is your email address.
Also … a little background, I’ve had insomnia 6 years, it started soon after I retired, intellectually I know not having my work to focus on has contributed to this. I use to fall to sleep playing games on my IPad but sleep advice says that’s a big No No, but I was sleeping good then. I want to try that again, but don’t want to reduce my natural melatonin. Thank you
Hi Marcy! Thanks for the support 🙂 To the question: When you are told to get out of bed if you haven’t fallen asleep in 20 minutes and only go back when you feel sleepy again that creates some problems. Firstly it encourages you to know how much time you have been awake. It makes you monitor time more. It takes you towards a place of more anxiety and more attempts to have control (of something no human can control, sleep) when the opposite is what will help you! Secondly, when you are told only to go back to bed when you feel sleepy, that encourages you to monitor yourself for sleepiness. And anything that makes you monitor yourself makes you more anxious and it makes it more difficult to sleep! The idea behind stimulus control is that you have started to associate the bed with being awake, but this isn’t actually the problem with insomnia! The bed and linens and the pillow cover are all innocent. Anything that makes you think of your problems sleeping, like a yawning cat, can be triggering. And this is because the brain has started to think that being awake is a threat. And by the way, nobody tells you to avoid yawning cats! So it doesn’t matter where you are at night, in bed or outside of the bed, as long as you teach the brain that being awake is ok. No need to leave the bed or bedroom. Just be where you feel like you want to be and do something that makes it ok (maybe even enjoyable!) to be awake. This is the way! And finally, when I see there’s some fear about not having enough natural melatonin, I see it as a fear of being awake… and when we no longer look at being awake as a threat - then there’s no more struggle 😊
Thank you so much, You are such a blessing, although I am far from cured I already feel less anxious. I’ve only watched about 4 of your videos and still waiting for your book, but I’m confident this will be my break through.
Anytime Marcy 🙂 it may be a bumpy path, but anyone like you, willing to learn and do some inner work will arrive where they want to be, you’ll be there for sure 😊
Great advice, however i do disagree to an extent, that feelings can't harm you. Because it is the anxiety before bed which is causing my body to fill with adrenaline and poor quality of sleep, so this creates a fear of the fear because if i feel calm, i'm scared of it coming back?! Because if it does my sleep is effected again and its this cycle which is hard to get out of, i know you might say anxiety doesnt cause the issue, but believe me it does for me. But i love the smiling at getting caught up in it all i think over time this can help to break down the fear of fear
Hi Daniel, thanks for all the support and you know, as soon as I read through this comment… I think I see where I should have been more clear: anxiety can absolutely lead to so much suffering! It does cause all these issues… what I should have clarified is that it’s not shown to cause harm as in a medical condition, which many worry about.. feelings harm us in a sense that they can lead to much suffering and not feeling well at all.. Did this make sense Daniel?
@@thesleepcoachschool8192 It's the cycle I haven't been able to get out of for 6-7 months, and great that you did a video on it because it's not talked about nearly enough. I am on edge about my anxiety coming back at night, and when it does, it eventually goes away, then im scared of it coming back again and its this vicious circle, that I can't seem to escape, so I just smiled at it and it went, then I'm ruminating about it coming back again, have you got any advice for its circular back and forth tendencies? Cheers Daniel!
Hi Daniel, you can ignore the above comment, im just thinking im up to the point in your book where it says to write your worries down, I think this will help with the whole thing, my worries are the same ones each day, should I not try and solve them but just write them down on paper? This might help my anxiety, is it better not to solve but to just get them out
Oh yes, I have something I’d like to share that I hope makes sense. This is for when someone asks “what if insomnia comes back?” But it applies to other forms of fear like anxiety as well. - Insomnia really is a cycle of resistance. There can be for example this random thought “what if I don’t sleep tonight again” and then some resistance to the unpleasant thought. You don’t want this thought or the anxiety it creates. Because of the resistance, the brain wants to make sure you really hear this important warning signal it thinks you need and it pushes the thought more and then there’s some more resistance. More resistance becomes more intense thoughts and feelings and less sleep. And then of course the thought “what if I don’t sleep tonight again?” happens again. Now, when you’ve slept better, it was because you gave up on resistance, and here’s the teaching point… wondering “what if I don’t sleep” IS that resistance. In summary, I think by hoping/trying not to have anxiety, we maintain the cycle. When we become more willing to experience it, there is no cycle. And by the way, if sounds like you’ve been going down this path already.
Hi Daniel! I think I just answered that previous comment because I go from the oldest newest :-) Anyways what made me really excited to hear was the sentence that said “should I not try and solve them” - to me, that’s a big big insight. When we see that in the case of insomnia and other emotional struggles - problem solving IS the problem, wow then this is really foundational. And to me, writing things down, this is just one way to go from trying to solve problems to instead just observe them… distance oneself from them… I think writing them down is a wonderful way but again, anything that leads us away from problem solving helps 😊
Hi Daniel, I thought I am on my way to recovering from insomnia, but my brain have come to fear falling asleep. And im afraid this will perpetuate my insomnia. Any advice please?
Hi Kat, You know, this is not uncommon… we call the fear of falling asleep Somniphobia. There’s a really nice interview with Marina, Talking insomnia 54. Tune in to this, I think it could clarify much!
Sometimes I am hesitant to watch your videos, because I fear that listening to the topics of insomnia and anxiety will make me more anxious. But I know I will be better off to resist this hesitation and educate myself
This sounds very wise, and you know, here’s more on exactly this:
ruclips.net/video/BAEUt3OsPGM/видео.htmlsi=-f8HGnaKvGHAzyIg
Rooting for you!
@@thesleepcoachschool8192 Thank you for the recommendation, I watched the video, and it was very helpful!
Thank you for this video. For me, it’s not so much a fear of fear or insomnia, it’s more like fear of the consequences of too little sleep related to how I will feel the next day-irritable, fatigued, less efficient, etc. The fear of experiencing negative feelings the next day starts to interfere with sleep onset at a certain point when I haven’t been able to fall asleep. I can accept the negative consequences- in fact there is no choice because it is what it is. It’s just that I don’t like to go through them. Living with acceptance of occasional less than adequate sleep I consider to be the difficulty I face. Thank you again. Love the channel.
Hi Michael, and thanks for the support 🙂 I’m so glad you found value here on the channel and you may have already seen it but we have a playlist that may be helpful.
It’s on unrefrshing sleep and how we feel the next day:
ruclips.net/p/PL6RQ1GS7B1cje9e66guVo6BsSF-glS8c7
This said, you said something so helpful here… “in fact there is no choice”… it can sound disappointing but it can also be so liberating. And then when we aren’t trying to avoid whatever comes our way, things get easier 🙂
Daniel, your videos are so incredibly helpful .To realize that one is actually scared of being scared and that this is one of the reasons why insomina continues is a game changer. Thanks for the insight. Thanks for your commitment. Please keep making these videos. All the best from Germany-
Chris, this made me so glad to read 😊 thanks for the support!
Welllll I thought this video was custom-made for me ;-). After watching this, I did a little Googling to see what came up for "fearing fear" or "fear of fear," and I just had to share a few fun bits:
1) Fear of fear = phobophobia
2) Fear of fear, or "second fear," as described by Claire Weekes, keeps the first fear alive
3) “Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”: FDR’s First Inaugural Address
4) Viewer discretion advised ... NHS webpage on "10 ways to fight your fears": first step is to give yourself a time-out to physically calm down, then do something to distract yourself from the fear, like take a walk around the block...then they say to stay where you are and try not to distract yourself...and then comes the best part (wait for it, wait for it): "Simple, everyday things like a good night's sleep, a wholesome meal and a walk are often the best cures for anxiety." OMFG.
Kristen! So glad it super resonated 🙂
And for the research. I hadn’t made this connection that this is what Claire Weekes calls the second fear. Now I feel like rereading some of her work!
NHS…NSF… AASM…. Don’t know what to say and you know what… sleep week is coming up, it’s gonna be bad.
Hey Daniel, love your videos, they truly have helped me through this difficult time. My issue is that I have a fear of fear because I am afraid that it will keep me awake. I don't want to be awake because I don't want to feel all the negative side affects of insomnia. I find it very difficult accept these side affects and I don't really know how to stop being afraid of fear when it causes them.
I just learned about your channel a few days ago. I am trying to digest and internalize all of my learnings from your videos cause it makes so much sense. It has been very helpful. But several times a day I still feel anxious, then I watch more of your videos to calm my mind and remind myself not to worry. I am waiting for the day that I don’t have to convince my mind that it’s okay, the day that my mind feels at ease all through out the day. 🙏
Hi Michelle, I’m so glad you found your way here and you know, when you’re willing to learn like you, our brain sees in a little time that there is no actual danger… and then the thoughts and feelings fade by themselves. You’ll arrive where you want to be 🙂
Thank you for this! Watched it with my partner and while she doesn’t struggle with sleep (unlike me!), she found it super helpful to manage emotions in general. Both going to practise smiling when this fear of fear comes up 😅
So glad it made sense 😊! And you know, it dawned upon me at some point that insomnia isn’t a sleep problem (!) as odd as it may sound. It’s a manifestation of fear… and then it also made sense that what helps when it comes to insomnia…it helps with so much else too!
@@thesleepcoachschool8192 so true! Thank you 😊
Daniel, what can I do when I just can’t let go of control when I’m bed wanting to sleep? It’s like I forgot how to sleep now, I go to bed and I can’t just “do nothing”, I constantly monitor if I’m relaxed, if I’m falling asleep, I am trying to “do nothing” and then checking if I’m doing it right, then I’m trying to let go, but I just can’t...I honestly feel like I’m driving myself nuts. I have my whole life slept like a baby, I used to love sleeping, it was so relaxing and cozy, I loved being in bed, but now I see it as a war with my mind, as a struggle, as frustration. I get into bed and feel like I’ve got to do something, I feel anxious and feel like I have to control my thought in order to calm them down, I have to meditate etc to make myself sleep, I just can’t relax and let it all go.
I know I have to let go and do nothing, but I can’t!! What should I do when I go to bed? What do normal people do? How can I be the old myself again, how can I sleep like I used to before insomnia? 😢
Hi Angie,
You know when we ask “what can I do to let go of control” - there’s an assumption that we can do something to let go of control, which is a way of trying to have control 😉
Check insomnia insight 414, I think it can help!
Most interesting. I wake up each morning, and have for the past eight and a half years, with this thought: is this going to be a bad day (anxiety-wise - mostly symptoms, not worry per se) and I immediately experience symptoms that will last all day. There seems to be no way to avoid this thought, given its instantaneous nature. My doctor’s baffled, I’ve refused medication, and, in my 80’s, I’m really ready to throw in the towel. There’s really only so much a person can be expected to take.
Hi John,
I’m glad you found this interesting and I think you’re really onto something here. I believe 100% that there’s no way to avoid any thoughts. Even if it’s not instantaneous, there’s just no way we humans have control over our thoughts.
Now what can be so tricky though is that thoughts are only maintained when we try to make them go away.
Let’s look at this!
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Thoughts and emotions have very specific practical purposes. And they are actually fleeting at baseline.
Imagine a squirrel that sees a car coming this way. He becomes really scared and runs away. But even if it’s on a different street it starts eating on a nut!
It literally nearly died but now it’s eating seamingly happy!
This is kind of a silly example but it just shows that emotions such as fear or anxiety (which come from thoughts like all emotions!) have that practical purpose of taking us to safety. But when we are safe, those emotions dissolve if not kept in place by ongoing thoughts!
The difference between us and a squirrel is that we are Homo sapiens sapiens, we are man who can think about our thoughts.
We can start to think that things like thoughts and emotions are wrong and that they shouldn’t be there. And when we try to get away from them, they stick around.
The reason for example that so many people say that they cannot shut off the brain is that they’re looking for a switch.
In other words again, thoughts and emotions are fleeting except when we try to stop them or control them.
So as tricky as it is, it is when you allow any thoughts to happen without judgment and just sort of tuning into them without doing anything - that is when they become fleeting again because you’re not trying to stop them.
Hi Daniel thank you.so much for this great video again and congratulations for the 5000 subscribers hopefully with god grace we will go to 5000 more I recognize myself here I have mention it to in one of my comments being fear of fear I just started therapy for this and I mention you to my therapist that your videos and books and the community calm me down allot I was so scared of my insomnia and that became fear of the fear after learning from you my super high fear went down to low fear I can say it still there in the corner lurking but am doing much more better !
So thank you the bottom of my heart ♥️ have a blessed weekend 🙏🏽
Silvia, thanks so much for all the encouragement and support 😊! Thanks to this, we surely will grow and reach wider and wider! Have a nice Sunday 🙂
Hi daniel. Im going through a speed bump. Like yesterday i felt like fear of having a thought that produces fear and activates the fight or flight response. Is like perceived threat of going or falling asleep and been awaken by a jerk or jolt that sends me to either fight or flight. I normally try to fill the sensations and then get out of bed if i want to but the thought of going to bed again tonight and seeing those same thoughts is also producing some anxiety. What donyou think. Thanks
Hello Daniel,
One of my issue for sleep is that I get agitated very easily toward bedtime. I've noticed I get agitated by my husband actions. It sounds very silly and strange, but when he does something I didn't expect, his voice suddenly getting louder, him making sounds, and so on. I don't mean to blame him because he doesn't do anything wrong and is a sweet person and has been supporting my sleep issues patiently. Although I get agitated by his actions and after feeling agitated, my anxiety mode for sleep start and cannot change it...
I notice that I am so sensitive with his gestures and voices for some reason even daytime. He uses gestures a lot when he talks and these sudden moves agitate me. Also with his voice getting louder all the sudden and so on. I think this agitation toward him started after one night that he said something very loud (sounded loud to me) voice, which I didn't expect when I was falling asleep. After that happened, I couldn't get sleep that night. My brain somehow set his unexpected voice as a "fear factor" or something? I have no idea how but after that, I've been so sensitive with his voice and gestures and I cannot change it. So, I started to try avoiding him before bed time and we sleep in the separate room for years... I want to sleep in the same bed as normal couples though. I also wanted to add that I have two young boys and I wouldn't get agitated by them at all, just by my hubby... (sorry to him...)
I know it's very strange, but this is my issue. I would be very appreciated if you could give me some advice on it.
Hi!
You know, when we see that insomnia happens because the brain has gotten an idea that it’s a threat being awake, then things become much more clear!
Noise or gestures in themselves won’t affect our sleep much - but the idea that those noises or gestures will keep us awake, that can indeed make us quite scared and frustrated and make us struggle with sleep.
And then when we try to avoid that which the brain thinks is a threat, it just reinforces the idea that there is a threat, there is something we should avoid, which maintains our fears and the struggle with sleep..
If you just spend a little more here learning, (check the This is Natto and success stories playlists, in the description) I think things will be much more clear!
@@thesleepcoachschool8192 thank you so much for the reply Daniel. I'll watch the playlists.
This was so helpful to me too. Thanks
Hi coach...hear me out.
Is it normal to think whenever you try to go to sleep you "hear voices"? I have been having this issue lately and it really really bothers me and I feel extremely anxious. Please help if you have come across similar cases.
Hi Mohammad,
As always nothing here is medical advice, always check with your doctor when you’re concerned about your health. I will say that hearing and seeing things that aren’t real just as we are transitioning into or out of sleep is quite common.
Reading about hypnagogic hallucinations may help!
But Daniel to me its become the fear of the fact I can wake myself up with these hypnic jerks. For me it has always been the fear that I have this sort of 'bad power', to self-sabotage and ruin things by causing this..and I feel out of control and ashamed of it. But it is still a sort of fear of a fear I guess. That's why for me I feel it is important to build a self trusting element as well as allowing/letting go the whole thing. Urgh so difficult when it's become so automatic.
Yes yes yes, our brains are these self learning machines… and when there’s an automatic program running, it’s not easy. But just as the brain can develop these programs, it can develop new ones. Often just seeing that indeed there’s a fear of fear… a new program is already forming 🙂
@@thesleepcoachschool8192 Thank you dearly Daniel. God, I feel I am almost there 🥲It's like having been lost in an endless hall of mirrors 😬. You are so appreciated 😊
Anytime 🙂 and this expressions, the endless hall of mirrors… wow, that’s so powerful…. I will use this, thank you!!!
@@thesleepcoachschool8192 😊
Hi Daniel,, oki i have started sleeping 6 hours every night,, so decided to open my sleep window and go to bed around 10ish but only too wake up after 6 hours in the middle of the night,, no matter what time a fall asleep i only get 6 hours of unrefreshing sleep than wake up,, how can i sleep for 7 hours or 8 ???
Hi Raju,
Sorry of course to hear about the struggle but glad you’re here. And you know, this may sound quite unsatisfactory but I believe this - when we aren’t trying to sleep any certain amount…then there’s no pressure, and then sleep happens by itself.
When we aren’t struggling, we mostly don’t know how much we sleep, and we feel fine… even if perhaps we slept 6 hours… so yes I think there’s an invitation to kindness and gentleness.
When we don’t know what time it is, how much we slept, and we aren’t trying to achieve sleep or achieve a refreshed feeling… then they can happen by themselves
How do we work one on one with you? And what is the cost? 😊
Hi! Thanks for the interest 🙂
You know, I’m focusing more and more on training coaches to really get reach. This said, Alina who does most of the 1:1 text based work is traveling right now so I’m actually taking clients in BedTyme.
You can read more about this and other options on our website:
thesleepcoachschool.mykajabi.com/
Best!
Thank you for this Daniel - super helpful! Question for you: how do you know when a medication’s withdrawal effects have ended and insomnia begins? I tapered off the last small dose of a medication 4 nights ago. In the past when I have reduced its dose each time, it disrupts my sleep quite a bit. I’ve been told it can take 10 days to go through the withdrawal. I’m not sure if what I’m experiencing now around night 4 is that withdrawal or has turned into insomnia. I have been taking a supplement to offset the effect. I imagine trying to figure it out would be part of the “problem” though it. Any tips here? My sleep had restored itself after the previous taper so this feels like a bit of a bummer.
Anytime! Thanks so much for the encouragement 😊
And you know, my reply would be something saying that when we aren’t afraid of being awake at night, it sort of becomes not so interesting to ponder when withdrawal has ended and insomnia begins. You know, because we would then be ok with having some choppy sleep as part of withdrawal, we wouldn’t pay much attention and then things would settle all by themselves.
So often, we can learn so much about ourselves from our questions… we can see that we have some fear of not sleeping…and that this is what keeps us from leaving the struggle, and then what’s so helpful is that there’s no mystery. There’s no pondering, there’s just awareness.
Those were my initial thoughts and I also would like to share some things on the general topic of rebound insomnia:
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When you’re not taking medication then you are of course aware of that. And when you are aware of this, then you often wonder if you’re going to sleep or not. You wonder if you should maybe take half of it. You wonder if maybe you’re not gonna sleep at all for a long period of time.
It is really this worrying and this preoccupation that makes you have trouble sleeping when you stop taking a certain medication!
Sure, the absence of a chemical in the system can cause some excitement in the nervous system that it formerly was sedating, but that isn’t the main resoun for rebound insomnia - the main reason rebound insomnia happens is the worry and preoccupation that comes from knowing that you’re not taking the medication!
Being aware of this can really help. And when you haven’t taken the medication for a while, and sleep comes back (which it always does!) you see that it was your body producing sleep all along!
@@thesleepcoachschool8192 this was SO helpful. - thank you!!
😊!
@@thesleepcoachschool8192 Daniel may I ask another question? 1) I’ve been having these speed bumps where now I am hyper sensitive to noise: I have a family member who snores very loudly in the next room. When I wake up in the middle of the night and hear it, I instantly get irritated which then wakes me up more. Recently I have been switching to another room in the house in the middle of the night and struggle for the rest of the night. I can see what I’m doing here: reacting, getting upset, protecting my sleep - all fear based stuff, but I feel stuck in it. What should I remind myself of here? 2) I have been trying to keep my timeless window at 1030 even though I am so sleepy at 930. Recently I’ve noticed that by the time I do get to bed I am so irritated by my exhausting that I’m then hyperaroused. Should I just go to bed when I’m sleepy even if it’s at 945 or 10?
Hi DC!
Thanks for sharing and you know, for anyone asking about noise, I highly recommend Talking insomnia 37, Joe has so much to sense!
Here are my thoughts:
It’s true that things like noise, hormone levels, alcohol, withdrawals, medications, side effects and thousands of circumstances can cause sleep disruption. But this is totally different from insomnia. And here is how you can tell one from the other:
Sleep disruption is obvious. I was binge drinking and slept poorly. My husband snores like crazy and that’s annoying. The reason for not sleeping well is clear so there’s (1) no pondering/wondering/questioning/researching and (2) no fear or anxiety.
Insomnia on the other hand is when there’s an ongoing struggle and it’s not clear that it’s the fear of not sleeping that’s driving the trouble. Therefore there are many questions as for why there’s no or choppy sleep, there’s researching and many theories, there’s trying things to sleep more.
There are many teaching points here by the main ones are that the sleep disruption caused by an endless number of circumstances is real, but it’s not self-perpetuating. It stops when circumstances change. And if circumstances don’t change, then the sleep disruption will be at the level where it’s expected.
Insomnia on the other hand ends when there’s understanding and clarity and you know nothing is wrong with you and there’s no more fear.
Now here’s the thing: when it’s difficult to tell if we have sleep disruption or insomnia, it can seem important to figure out which it is. And this in itself can lead to lots of struggle.
In reality, it isn’t important because both call for the same: they are both an invitation to okness.
If we have a sleep disruption then this is an inevitable consequence of circumstances we cannot change. A call for no action.
If we have insomnia then this is a surface manifestation of fear and it’s driven by the things we do to escape this fear. A call for no action.
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When it comes to the timeless way, I think it helps to see that anything we do to control sleep, it becomes an effort!
For example “I have to stay up until 10 pm because that’s when my timeless window starts” - here we can see this attempt to achieve sleep where (naturally, no criticism!) the timeless window which is meant to sort of guide us away from effort, becomes its own effort!
So yes I think whenever we abandon rules that have come to mean efforts, this is nice. Because what is so true imho is that peace of mind and peaceful sleep requires no rules!
Hey you seem like a professional and I'm really confused now I have anxiety I know what it is I've experienced it but when I'm trying to sleep I don't have it. yet I have insomnia and my doctors think it's all anxiety I know when my insomnia is caused by anxiety and I admit it happens sometimes like once a month or twice. When my insomnia gets bad I do not have any anxiety nothing changed from the last time I've slept good same routine same sleep schedule same thinking process when trying to sleep I've never "felt" like I'm not going to sleep so it's not something I expect. And I know what sleep dread is and I have it sometimes but it's not what happens when I have insomnia that lasts more than 3 days It has no reason is it possible for insomnia to have no reason?
Hi! Thanks for sharing and asking and you know, there’s something that can be confusing that I call the wonder wall. Let’s take a look!
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It can often seem odd that you don’t sleep even though you’re not anxious. Of course it does because if anxiety was the reason you had trouble sleeping, then when it fades you should sleep right?
Here’s the thing, anything that makes us hyperaroused can keep sleep from happening. Imagine a kid before Christmas for example. They’re excited, not anxious.
You know what else can create hyperarousal? Curiousity! Or puzzlement, being bewildered.
So when you’re thinking “I’m not anxious so why am I not sleeping?” the answer is right there. It’s now the curiosity that’s keeping you awake!
A natural next question becomes, so how do I become less curious? Guess what, you probably already have. Because when you understand something, there’s no mystery and less for the brain to figure out.
But the best of all is that you’re less anxious. That may not seem like a big step right now because you slept little, but it is.
As the anxiety fades and you’re no longer puzzled, sleep will come to you!
Congratulations on having 5000 subscribers.
Question regarding fear, I have fear of waking up in middle of night and can’t go back to sleep, Advice given is to get up after 20 minutes but don’t watch the clock. How can I do both? I know I can estimate but then I’m fretting whether my estimating right?
PS
Still waiting for your book, ordered it a week ago! What is your email address.
Also … a little background, I’ve had insomnia 6 years, it started soon after I retired, intellectually I know not having my work to focus on has contributed to this. I use to fall to sleep playing games on my IPad but sleep advice says that’s a big No No, but I was sleeping good then. I want to try that again, but don’t want to reduce my natural melatonin.
Thank you
Hi Marcy!
Thanks for the support 🙂
To the question:
When you are told to get out of bed if you haven’t fallen asleep in 20 minutes and only go back when you feel sleepy again that creates some problems.
Firstly it encourages you to know how much time you have been awake. It makes you monitor time more. It takes you towards a place of more anxiety and more attempts to have control (of something no human can control, sleep) when the opposite is what will help you!
Secondly, when you are told only to go back to bed when you feel sleepy, that encourages you to monitor yourself for sleepiness. And anything that makes you monitor yourself makes you more anxious and it makes it more difficult to sleep!
The idea behind stimulus control is that you have started to associate the bed with being awake, but this isn’t actually the problem with insomnia! The bed and linens and the pillow cover are all innocent. Anything that makes you think of your problems sleeping, like a yawning cat, can be triggering. And this is because the brain has started to think that being awake is a threat. And by the way, nobody tells you to avoid yawning cats!
So it doesn’t matter where you are at night, in bed or outside of the bed, as long as you teach the brain that being awake is ok. No need to leave the bed or bedroom. Just be where you feel like you want to be and do something that makes it ok (maybe even enjoyable!) to be awake. This is the way!
And finally, when I see there’s some fear about not having enough natural melatonin, I see it as a fear of being awake… and when we no longer look at being awake as a threat - then there’s no more struggle 😊
Thank you so much, You are such a blessing, although I am far from cured I already feel less anxious. I’ve only watched about 4 of your videos and still waiting for your book, but I’m confident this will be my break through.
Anytime Marcy 🙂 it may be a bumpy path, but anyone like you, willing to learn and do some inner work will arrive where they want to be, you’ll be there for sure 😊
Great advice, however i do disagree to an extent, that feelings can't harm you. Because it is the anxiety before bed which is causing my body to fill with adrenaline and poor quality of sleep, so this creates a fear of the fear because if i feel calm, i'm scared of it coming back?! Because if it does my sleep is effected again and its this cycle which is hard to get out of, i know you might say anxiety doesnt cause the issue, but believe me it does for me. But i love the smiling at getting caught up in it all i think over time this can help to break down the fear of fear
Hi Daniel, thanks for all the support and you know, as soon as I read through this comment… I think I see where I should have been more clear: anxiety can absolutely lead to so much suffering! It does cause all these issues… what I should have clarified is that it’s not shown to cause harm as in a medical condition, which many worry about.. feelings harm us in a sense that they can lead to much suffering and not feeling well at all..
Did this make sense Daniel?
@@thesleepcoachschool8192 It's the cycle I haven't been able to get out of for 6-7 months, and great that you did a video on it because it's not talked about nearly enough. I am on edge about my anxiety coming back at night, and when it does, it eventually goes away, then im scared of it coming back again and its this vicious circle, that I can't seem to escape, so I just smiled at it and it went, then I'm ruminating about it coming back again, have you got any advice for its circular back and forth tendencies? Cheers Daniel!
Hi Daniel, you can ignore the above comment, im just thinking im up to the point in your book where it says to write your worries down, I think this will help with the whole thing, my worries are the same ones each day, should I not try and solve them but just write them down on paper? This might help my anxiety, is it better not to solve but to just get them out
Oh yes, I have something I’d like to share that I hope makes sense. This is for when someone asks “what if insomnia comes back?” But it applies to other forms of fear like anxiety as well.
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Insomnia really is a cycle of resistance. There can be for example this random thought “what if I don’t sleep tonight again” and then some resistance to the unpleasant thought. You don’t want this thought or the anxiety it creates. Because of the resistance, the brain wants to make sure you really hear this important warning signal it thinks you need and it pushes the thought more and then there’s some more resistance.
More resistance becomes more intense thoughts and feelings and less sleep. And then of course the thought “what if I don’t sleep tonight again?” happens again.
Now, when you’ve slept better, it was because you gave up on resistance, and here’s the teaching point… wondering “what if I don’t sleep” IS that resistance.
In summary, I think by hoping/trying not to have anxiety, we maintain the cycle.
When we become more willing to experience it, there is no cycle. And by the way, if sounds like you’ve been going down this path already.
Hi Daniel!
I think I just answered that previous comment because I go from the oldest newest :-)
Anyways what made me really excited to hear was the sentence that said “should I not try and solve them” - to me, that’s a big big insight.
When we see that in the case of insomnia and other emotional struggles - problem solving IS the problem, wow then this is really foundational.
And to me, writing things down, this is just one way to go from trying to solve problems to instead just observe them… distance oneself from them… I think writing them down is a wonderful way but again, anything that leads us away from problem solving helps 😊
Hi Daniel, I thought I am on my way to recovering from insomnia, but my brain have come to fear falling asleep. And im afraid this will perpetuate my insomnia. Any advice please?
Hi Kat,
You know, this is not uncommon… we call the fear of falling asleep Somniphobia.
There’s a really nice interview with Marina, Talking insomnia 54. Tune in to this, I think it could clarify much!
Many thanks Daniel for the reply! You have been a blessing :)
@@katb2483 I need your help please can we talk , i have somniphobia
Hi Aaa, i am not a councelor, but I can share with you what I have done to face this. You can leave your email here
Aaa, hang in there! For now know that a lot of us have been where you are and come out of it perfectly fine :)