Talk to Your Children About Death!
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- Опубликовано: 12 сен 2024
- Interview where I talk more about how to discuss death with younger children: www.girlmeetsge...
Mr. Rogers talks children and tragedy: fci.org/new-sit...
WEBSITE: www.orderofthegooddeath.com
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THANK YOU for identifying cable news as death porn.
Moonberry Fairyhead its funny because its true. Lol
I told my dad it was the obituary report and it was probably not good to watch two news shows a day. He cut down to one
what a refreshing video. i'll never forget when my father in law died. my spouse said to our child "grandpa passed away." (confused look). "he's gone" (confused look) etc etc. finally i looked her straight in the eye and said "grandpa died. he was old and very sick so he died." (relieved look) then she asked about the body and we brought her to the funeral. i pointed at the casket from across the room and said "grandpa's body is in there. you can see him if you like, and you don't have to." she elected not to, so we got a cookie and sat down together. the funeral was not a bad experience for her at all, aside from being a tad boring in her opinion.
mind you, two years earlier a rabbit died amongst my garden irises, so i said "hey kid, want to see a dead rabbit?" and she did (it was till intact at the time). the following spring i found the skull, one half the mandible, and a few other bones. i assembled what i could and showed it to her. "isn't that cool? when i put them this way, you can see what it is. paleontologists do this with dinosaurs." yeah i'm a weird parent, but i don't make the topic of death taboo. everybody dies. it's ok.
+milkweedsage Amen, I hope to be that way if I have kids some day.
+milkweedsage That's such a good way of explaining stuff to kids, and the thing with the rabbit encourages curiosity and hopefully your kid won't be scared of death
You sound like a good parent :)
thank you!
+milkweedsage Thank goodness! I began to think we are the only parents who do these things. I usually get weird looks at the museums when explaining why mummies look a certain way, or when we talk about decomposition and how it is that mummies did not decompose. But just to clarify, it is not a general topic, and not spoken of regularely, but since we have animals and sometimes they die, the subject does come up.
So yeah, maybe we are weird - or perhaps everyone else is.
Not a weird parent at all. Pets die. The animals & plants we eat die. Death is a natural part of life. One of my fondest memories with my dad is he and I burying all of my pets, along with the wildlife that we found deceased on our property, & a baby robin we tried to help.
My 5yo's fish died a few months ago. Lots of questions & processing emotions! Her fish was sick, death was imminent, so I told her that he was sick and would die soon. We put him in a small jar, so that he could easily get surface air and so that she could be close to him; "holding" him, if you will. she drew pictures on cards, telling him how much she loved him and how happy she was to have him and take care of him. (my 2yo also participated in the card making, but didn't understand "death," just that sissy was very sad because her fish was "going away" soon) I answered questions about how death happens; the body stops. in this case her fish was sick and old; his body was ready to be done being alive, his heart would stop and his brain would stop & his life would be gone. Taking care of his body is necessary, but also a way to express honor/love/appreciation for the life that he had. she expressed that she wanted to participate in this.
When he died, my 5yo decided she wanted to bury him in our backyard. (since he's a "sea creature" I offered a water burial into one of the nearby rivers, or a land burial in our backyard. I told her that both ways his body would go back into the earth, similar to how fruit composts- which she was familiar with)
when it came time to lay him to rest, I had him shrouded in some tissue. I asked if she wanted me to put him in the ground, but she wanted to. she started removing the shroud, and I asked her if she was trying to see him. she was, so I helped her careful unwrap him. she commented on the beauty of his scales & how big his tail was.
she expressed concern about the tissue preventing his body from going back into the earth, but was reassured that the tissue would decompose too; it was just a nice gesture to his body to wrap him in it.
her grief was prominent for the next few days. Showing up as tears, questions, anger, and a fear that her sisters or brothers would die; these feelings and thoughts were all validated and discussed. she still misses him, but talking about him or death in general is never taboo. it's healthy to grieve and also to be curious.
I know this is not related to the death of classmates, like the video, but for me it was my 5yo experiencing the death of someone she loved, her first experience with death, and her first experience with grief.
I've been working at normalizing the grief of mothers(and their interaction with their stillborn babies) for years, so it was natural for me to validate my daughters emotions & support her through her experience.
I hope you don't find this "morbid," as I've seen so much deep love in deep grief that its beautiful in such a painful way, and so profound.
Thank you for sharing your experience w/ your child. I did the same w/ my son. If we found a dead bird in the yard or other small animal we would bury it. Gather up flowers & say a few words. Soon beloved pets died & we were able to deal with that grief & honor their memory. This helped when family members started to pass. Death is part of life.
you are a very good parent
I wish my parents had loved me enough to have done this for me. My fish got flushed.
Tyvm for this, not at all. Death is inevitable, only way to live is to accept it.
I think this makes you an excellent parent. I'm not quite sure I entirely understand death even still, as a nearly thirty year old adult. I do, and I don't. It's part of why I went searching and found this channel. The curiosity got the better of me.
I vaguely remember when I was 8 my aunt tragically had a still birth, and no one ever said anything. 8 is old enough to understand that if a woman is pregnant there is usually a baby only when there wasn't no one ever said anything, it was like the whole pregnancy had never even happened. There was no "The baby died" or "The baby was very sick and didn't make it" There was just nothing. Time passed and I sort of just stopped wondering. A couple years later she had another baby, this one born alive and it made me remember that there had been this previous pregnancy but upon asking i was shut down. The result of which being I spent 11 years thinking I had made the entire thing up in my head and only found out last month that no the events when I was 8 take place.
When I was very young, I asked my mother what death was and she explained it as, "It's when you go to sleep and you never wake up."
"But what if you WANT to wake up?" I asked, confused.
"You can't."
And for years after, I thought death was going to sleep as usual only to wake up to find yourself buried underground, unable to escape or somehow let people above know that you'd "woken up". Even though I obviously know better now, being buried alive is still one of my death-related fears.
"If I die before I wake..." yes, terrifying!
my family never discussed death. the first time I came across was my grandfather died.They took me to the wake, and viewing, and for years later I had nightmares that I was in the funeral home trying to revive him. You NEED to talk to them.
I lost my father when I was seven in a drunk driving accident. One very important thing to let children know when they are first confronted with death is that they will be taken care of in the event of your (their parent/caretaker's) death. Once a child first really comprehends the finality of death, they'll often first ask about their own death, but it can be even scarier for a child once they realize that the people they rely on will also die. It would have helped me immensely if back when our first fish pet died and I was asking questions someone had just taken me aside and said something to the effect of "Yes, everyone dies, even mommy and daddy will die someday. That probably wont happen for a long long time because mommy and daddy are both healthy and safe, but even if we do both die, it will be ok. You would go live with Granny, and you will be safe and taken care of no matter what. It would be really sad if we died, and you might be sad for a long time, and that's okay, but you need to know that you'll be safe, and eventually things wont be so bad." And if you don't have a care plan for your children/ pets/ dependents/ loved ones in the event of your death PLEASE MAKE ONE! You never know what will happen.
I'm glad you mentioned how children have vivid imaginations and make things up from what they heard. I was not very young but when my grandpa died NO ONE TALKED about it! they just said he died, get your black clothes, and my dad cried for the 1st time in my life. Now by then I'd already attended several distant relative funerals but this was different, he died "with no cause" because my parents decided to ignore those questions. Later when spending time with my grandma, who everyone claimed was saintly and she was a great woman, However when left alone with me her grief came out! Piecing together her grief stricken rants I realized my grandpa killed himself, when I finally asked my mother she told me to keep it quiet from my siblings and that was that. So when my grandma died a year later and everyone at her funeral saying how she never said a bad word about anyone yadayada I felt like I was holding all these huge dirty little secrets and I was just going to implode! It's highly important to talk to your children, maybe some don't care but there will always be some over sensitive child (like me) who needed to talk about it! Thank you for making this video, I shall share with all my friends in hopes they too talk to their children, friends, and family!
+Heather Unger that's terrible. suicide is an even bigger taboo than death in general. it shouldn't be. it should be talked about. it should be a learning opportunity for kids who may experience depression or someone else who has mental illness. piling that onto a kid when it's a secret is unfair and cruel.
Heather Unger - as an adult, did you ever get a full understanding of what happened? It sounds like your Grandpa was older and I am wondering if there was a "valid" reason for his suicide....if he was experiencing issues he was not able to cope with.
there's always a "valid" reason. what on earth are you thinking?
My uncle committed suicide after being diagnosed with dementia. He was late 70's and did not want a long illness, possibly in a care facility. Is that really such an outlandish thing for him to have done? I felt, after I saw the impact on families and considering his age, it was heroic. And my question was to Heather. I didn't want to lead her by telling my story first.
i understand what you're saying now. this still leaves me with wondering what might not be a "valid" reason to commit suicide? the reason is valid according to the decedent regardless of circumstances. i'd like to hear more about what you think.
I'm a Hospice nurse, and I know that the day will come where I have to explain things to a child. You give some great pointers, and I feel much more confident about what to say when that time comes. Thank you.
This comment reminded me of the game Spiritfarer. The main character was a hospice nurse before she herself died, and in the afterlife, you're meeting the spirits of the people she cared for and helped, and helping them to move on to the next life. All the ones that touched her the most.
One of them is a child named Stanley. He seems so full of energy and life, always trying to put on a show and make people happy, but when his end starts drawing nearer, he admits to you he's scared. He's scared of what will happen. He's trying to be brave, but he's terrified, and he's hoping that's okay. It's one of the things that stuck with me most strongly from that game.
I have a 4,5 years old and we are going through a pregnancy loss of a very wished and loved baby at 22 weeks. I remembered this video and everything you say about openness about death and it's being a relief to not have to pretend this didn't happen to protect my son. I told him the baby was very sick and wouldn't be able to survive. I always answer his questions, even the ones I already answered before, because I know he needs that. He needs to know why mommy is crying, why everyone around him is sad, why mommy went so often to the doctor. I won't say it is not hard. It is. We are all grieving together. Only with clarity and openness about our baby death we can overcome this loss and get stronger as a family. Thank you so much for your videos and please do keep your amazing work in defense of a good death.
When I was 9 years old, I lost my father. It was extremely traumatic. My son will definitely have this conversation. This will be a difficult conversation. After watching this, I actually have a good idea about how to approach it. Thank you.
I am a psychologist & I must say,just from what I have seen in a few videos, I think you would be a great parent. You seem very much in tune with human needs & very willing to fill those needs. The world would be a much better place if the average parent had even half of the insight you have. Hope you have a great day.
you're such a cool person. i'll keep this in mind when my daughter gets older. she is only 5 weeks old now.
How'd the "death talk" go?
@@albiedam3312 i dont know how did it
You would be an awesome mom :3
Wouldn't she!?! She is amazing!!!!😍😍😍🔥🔥🔥💪💪💪👍👌💯💯💯👸 👑 👼
This is so important. As a psychologist, I have seen sooooooooooooooooooooooo many people, kids and adults alike, who struggle to grasp the concept of death. Death isn’t an easy thing to understand to begin with, but I think it is extremely important to talk through it and help one another understand and come to terms with it.
Thank you for this. My father was the medical examiner th at oversaw Sandyhook.
That must've been rough...
Wow, dude... thank your father for his service to the public. It's gotta be such a thankless job. I'm sorry your dad had to see all that
A reminder to be open to my sons questions. My daughter died before my son was born and he has lots of questions
Don't be like my parents when I told them 'I don't want to die' cause you know what their reply was? 'Don't worry about it, it's never going to happen'. :| Granted I was about 7 and they probably didn't know how to response, but that's probably up there on the list of things NOT to say.
Wow...
I learned about death when I was 3 from one phrase uttered during a church message, "When you die..." I spent the rest of church time coming to terms with my own mortality. Ever since, I've found I ward off the fear of death by turning it into fascination. I put on such lovely funerals for all my pets growing up. Not all at once, of course...
I like that you said to tell them how they're feeling is ok, when I was 12 (still a child in my opinion) my father had killed himself, I have always been a well rounded and quite experienced child so I knew what had happened and took the news pretty well. He had already been out of my life for about 7 years (I believe I'm not exactly sure) so when my mom was sobbing her eyes out she asked me "why aren't you crying?! You should be devistated!" And I was just sitting next there like "well, at least I know where he is now..." And in my mind I didn't really lose anyone because he had already been gone. Years have past and yes in my mind I'm still a child, 16, but I've gone through my own grieving process, I was very angry when I was 12-13 but when I started to turn about 15 I let go of the anger and let myself feel sad about it. Like you said everyone reacts differently to death, and it fascinates me, but it took me years to come to terms with the fact he's gone and won't ever come back. The way my mom handled my lack of "sympathy" was by calling me a heartless bitch and forced me to cry at his funeral. I wish she had these videos to take notes from back then because I probably wouldn't have been so hard on myself. Sorry for the paragraph I just thought my story was relevant to why speaking to your children and having an open mind about how they feel is so important.
Thank you for addressing this huge gap in parenting! 100% of us will die and we need to talk about death with our kids.
+Mary Rayme Not me! See, I take supplements. /s
I appreciate you sharing your story about witnessing a traumatic death of another kid when you were younger. I witnessed my brother pass away in a freak accident when I was a small child. I work at a funeral home now and also own “death decor”. I was never sure if this was healthy, but being as you are so death positive, I don’t feel so bad about it anymore!
Thanks for this poignant video. I worked at a pet store and often times parents would come in looking for 'replacement animals'. I would tell the parents that it was a teachable moment when a pet passed. It is easier for kids to grasp something when it's on a smaller scale. I would rather say 'suzie, your hamster died' and explain death that way rather than having to explain it when 'Suzie' loses a grandmother or other relatives.
That's actually why parenting and psychology books tell parents to get children small short-lived pets, to have them experience death before their grandparents die
When my grandmother passed away a few years ago my at-the-time 2-year-old niece was there to see the dying process and death. It was explained that grandma was no longer with us, that she wasn't in her body. We all lined the yard leading to the hearse as they put her body in and in the complete silence, my niece said, "Good night, grandma." We all burst into tears. She's 5 now and she not only remembers grandma, but she understand that grandma is dead to the best of her ability. Recently, her aunt passed away. She is heartbroken and she understands. I love that our family is so open to the conversation
Thank you for this honest video. I had a dog who was very much loved by all of our neighborhood children. Unfortunately, he died due to an inoperable cancerous tumor in his shoulder. I know that it is only a matter of time before the neighborhood children ask where he is and why he cannot play with them anymore. It breaks my heart to have to tell them this, but I have personally decided that honesty is the best way forward.
Beautifully said :) As a student of pediatric nursing, also incredibly helpful!
when i was in 2nd grade my dad informed me that a 3 year old girl from church had died and asked if i wanted to attend the funeral. I did not know the girl or understand what he meant when he said she had died, but i would get out of school if i attended. so i went.
My primary emotion during the entire service was confusion. it was very clear in the church setting that questions were not welcome, they rarely are at churches. i mostly watched all the adults around me. Many of the people in front were crying. there was this huge black cloud around them and i simply did not know what was going on.
in my mid teens i started to understand when my grandma died. this time i had a better understanding of what that meant. she had been battling breast cancer for over a year and was losing. the night she died was the second time i witnessed that black cloud over people. my mother was part of it, all my aunts and uncles were. it was grief. and yes, it did appear to me as if a dark black fog was around them. meanwhile my grandma was the one spot of peace, she was tired of fighting, she had accepted her own death.
for me that night i did not cry for losing her. it was the people around her i cried for, especially my grandpa. while my grandma died physically, that night my grandpa died spiritually. the light left his eyes. he was never the same, and pretty much just sat back and waited til he died as well. it was heartbreaking.
I hope people actually watch this to tell their children - it seems like a great approach! I worked out what death was when i was young, and I've accepted it, but I didn't realise quite how frequently people die until I reached age 9 or so when my father and 2 aunties all died within a few months of each other. It hit me hard. I think the worst thing about death is accepting that someone could just leave your existence, and you'll never see them again. I take a lot of pictures nowadays, of nearly everything, and that's pretty much why.
I used to be terrified of death and of my own mortality. But after watching you're videos and reading you're blogs and essays I'm not anymore. You have helped me more than you know and I thank you for that. :)
You are such a genuinely good person. Thank you for challenging the stigma of death.
"It could even be said," he mused, turning the skull over in his well-manicured hand, "that the purpose of our life is to grow pretty bones inside our bodies and then leave them behind as ornaments for the gods."
The girl on the bed said nothing - her 8-year-old gaze was full of innocent curiosity, and that said it all for her. Cross-legged, biting her nails, she was listening to a complete stranger, speaking to her in a strange tone that no adult before used with her. She didn't know what being respected was, but she recognized that his voice was similar to the voice other adults used with each other, only warmer.
"This bony box here once contained a good friend of mine," he went on. "You see, people aren't their whole bodies. They are contained in an organ called a brain, which is in the skull. You live in your head. I could hold you in my hand - but of course, I couldn't, because to work, the brain needs an entire supporting cast, which is the rest of the body."
"Where is your friend now?"
"Nowhere, as far as we know. His brain has disintegrated in the ground and became food for tiny little animals. It's a very soft thing, even softer than flesh, so it dissolves pretty quickly."
"Is that what death means?"
"Yes. That's why people call empty skulls 'death heads'."
Uncertainty wrinkled up her face.
"But how...I mean... what you just said...it means people just disappear. Like they never were."
"Where were you before you were born?"
"In my mom?"
"No, before that."
She thought hard. It was something she had never considered before.
"I guess...I wasn't. I don't remember."
"Death is like that, just the reverse. But what you do between the two will affect things and people that remain."
"But everyone dies, right?"
"To our current knowledge, yes."
"So what does it matter if I affect them or not?"
The pale man laughed. He was now confident that he chose his next apprentice well. The glint of unusual wisdom in her deep blue eyes was not a mere illusion. This was a question he couldn't really answer for himself, and there he was, confronted with it by a child.
"To them, it matters. But In the long run? I don't know."
She was stunned. An adult, admitting he doesn't know something! It was both scary and exhilarating. If even they don't have all the answers, who does?
As if he could read her mind, he put his hand on her back and gave her the most encouraging answer he could.
"That will be your job to find out."
CerberaOdollam Very interesting. Where is this from?
PoppinBubbles sounds like something Terry Pratchett would have written. I only have one of his books and sadly the giver has gone 'to the eternal bookstore' himself (so it's likely to be the only one ㅠ.ㅠ ) so I'm not sure, but...
Do you have a Wattpad account or something?
Please tell me where this is from.
@@EclecticallyEccentric a deviantart account lol
Wow this is so old school but 7 years after you made this.... my ongoing conversation with my children has always included death positivity. My 5 and 12 year olds have been watching your videos with me and we have had the BEST convos ever afterwards.
♥️♥️♥️
I still remember how I learned about death in humans. I was all of 7 years old and my mother brought me to a funeral for one of her friends' mother who passed away. When we all did that walk up to the body to view it thing my little 7 year old self reached in and poked the dead woman's cheek. . .repeatedly while my mother was trying to comfort one of the other family members. I then turned to my mother and said to her where everyone could hear "Dead people feel funny." before proceeding to try to lift up the corpse's hand to farther inspect this whole new thing I was discovering known as death. Yeeeeeah, I freaked out about half of the people in that funeral with my questions of why she wasn't rotting, how I thought dead people smelled because road kill does, if she was going to balloon up and explode guts everyplace like a dead animal on the side of the road does. . .my mother never brought me to another funeral again and my mother's friend was freaked out by me from that point on.
Techition i am sorry, but that was sooo funny xD
In retrospect, yeah, it was funny as hell to be honest Reem.
Techition And that Ladies and Gentlemen is what happens if you don't talk to your children in time :-)
Yikes!
Well, you weren't wrong! Dead people DO feel funny. Why shouldn't we be able to touch the dead body of a loved one? Seems like you were a lot more realistic than the older people around you :)
My brother use to tell his daughter that dead animals on the road were sleeping. I asked him how he explained why the animal was flat? I was pretty realistic with death with my kids. As a single parent I was unfortunately, the judge, jury and executioner. So I was also their google before google was a thing. As a science nerd, I did stick with biology a lot. It worked, they are now well-adjusted, tax paying citizens of Oregon.
You're absolutely right Marika. I talk a little more concretely about how to have the actual conversation in the links below the video.
My parents had a helpful way of mixing their faith (Christianity) into talking about death with me when my grandmother passed. Telling me the verse "ashes to ashes and dust to dust" helped me understand that my grandmother's body was no longer alive, and its okay, as god made the earth and we go back to the earth once we die. That was probably the only time they successfully mixed real life and religious teachings.
Panic! At the Black Parade parenting goals.
When I was a kid my mother told me our neighbor Mary "didn't do so well at the hospital last night". I took this to mean Mary just got sicker. Later that day Mary's daughter told me Mary had actually died. I was more upset that my mom used such a lame euphemism than I was about the news of the death. Not doing so well is completely different than being dead. I learned then and there the importance of being frank when talking to kids about death. Not talking about it only makes it scarier.
This makes me so sad. I was 8 years old when my grandmother passed away from Diabetes and other health issues. My parents didn't want us to be upset about it so we were not allowed to go to her wake. Then my father had her buried across the country. A few years later I watched a video someone had recorded of the service (on those ancient VHS recorders) and my sister and I were so so SO upset hay my parents didn't let us go! I don't remember her well at all but I still wish I had been allowed to have that closure and to see her one last time.
I also remember going to the burial for the child of a church family member. The baby was stillborn and it was a closed casket service so they only showed the shoe boxed sized casket on a table and the couple wouldn't allow anyone to watch them lower the casket.
I have a horrible phobia of death but watching your videos has made me realise that it's not such a taboo thing to think about. Still, I wish people would be more open about discussing death with kids... people and pets die all the time in our lives. My parents handle death so badly and I've grown to handle it badly too. I hope to change that with my own children one day! :')
My dad died of cancer when I was five very nearly six. My mum told me he had died but hadn't really prepared me for it. I don't think she believed it would happen herself. I wasn't there when he died and he had been taken away by the time I came home (he died at home), I wasn't at the funeral either. I don't know how much I understood but I remember being sure people were lying to me and that my dad was actually hidden somewhere in the attic. I would also follow my mum around thinking that she was either going to vanish too or going to lead me to dad. I never said a word to anyone. Don't underestimate what might be going on in a child's mind even if everything seems fine. Also never tell a child who's just lost a parent that it's now their responsibility to take care of their other Parent.. that one messed things up for years 🙄
People always tell the little six year old that he's the man of the house now. Very condescending to his grownass mother!
I remember the episode of Mr. Roger's when they talked about death. He was all about children and what they felt. He TALKED to children, beautifully.
I love this video. So many people avoid this subject. I addressed this subject with my own son. Honesty is the best way. Its hard but they trust you and are more honest with you in return! So worth it!
Good video. This is something that you could talk more on, because I think it is very important. I'm not sure any age is too young for this talk. I can still remember the day I learned that death was the permanent end to life, and I was around five at the time. It was a house plant that died and my parents threw it in the garbage, and I broke down. I don't remember them talking about death with me, but I figured it out myself. They promised to get me a new plant, but I never got one. I think it was really good for me to have this experience as I have had an easy time accepting death since.
I was fortunate (that sounds bad) that my parents' dog passed away when my twins were four. It gave me the opportunity to talk to them about death. One of them was stoic as ever and the other had a few nights of crying for "Uncle Chewie" but I think they are better for it now. We will see when the first human in their lives dies.
She just seems like such a kind and genuine person.
I'm a little bit sorry I have nothing better to say since this is really great video, but that talking domo might be cutest thing I've seen today, I just want to hug and protect it from all the bad things in the world
One of the best things I have ever seen on RUclips, thanks Caitlin.
You are amazing. Honest and kind. Thank you.
Yes! We need so much more honesty with children. Way too many people are really badly messed up by lies their parents told them. It's scary.
My father died when i was 8 in a motorcycle crash. i was lucky, long before he did, he talked to me about death. That no one really knew what comes after if anything for the dead, & a lot of the rest of the questions i had. Lucky because the rest of the adults in my life were pretty useless on this count. Thanks to my father in some ways 8 year old me dealt with the whole thing better than most of the rest of the family. To the point that they were worried and sent me to a child psychologist...
Well said. I'm a teacher who has to answer questions like these, and you're exactly right: give children a simple, HONEST answer to these serious questions. And if you don't know the answer to their question, you owe them the honesty of saying "I don't know". And sometimes, "Nobody knows".
Thank you, I was always a morbid child and was interested in death, and working with the dead (dead doesn't scare me as much as the living 😂 social anxiety) and my family never treated it as a taboo, I was able to ask questions and it's something now as a parent I want to be able to keep open with my own son, it's nice to hear honest advice and because of your videos ( my son thinks your the coolest) I brought your book, it's been nice to talk about how other cultures do things & its started a conversation in my home about history and others cultures in general. ❤️ thank you for empowering us with knowledge & taking away taboos! 🙏🏻
Thank you for this. I had a lot of people tell me I was hurting my daughter by allowing her to be apart of funerals for family members and friends. She was allowed to be as involved as she wanted to be. We talked about each death and I told her that dying was a part of life. We then share happy memories of that person.
Thank you for this video.
My dad (a single parent) died when I was 8. After the funeral, no one in my family ever spoke to me about my dad's death or even his life. I don't know anything about him except for the few vague personal memories I've retained (and I lived with relatives, not in foster care).
It was like he had never existed. I didn't even realize we had his ashes and that they were in the back of a closet. And I didn't get to keep any of his belongings, or even look at them. I never saw my childhood home or my friends again.
The first time I actually spoke to someone about my dad was when I was 25 and had my first ever appointment with a therapist.
If you're a parent or guardian of a kid who has dealt with death and you don't talk to them about it, you're likely to end up with a kid who shuts you out of their life as an adult because of the harm you've done to them by neglecting their pain because of your discomfort.
I am one of the owners of Georgia Clean, a trauma clean up firm since 1996. Thank you for your video. You state exactly what I tell parents. When asked, and if you know the answer, be honest....simple, softly direct but honest. I will be sharing this link with associates I have around the country.
Thank You, Gordy Powell, GeorgiaClean.com
Thank you Gordy.
Thank you. We've lost so many people the past few years. Right now we just lost another and are facing more with terminal illness. My kids are so confused. I want so much to fall apart but I refuse. I am answering their questions, being honest, etc. This was wonderful advice. Me teaching them is keeping me strong, so that I can show them it's all just part of life.
After seeing a few episodes I have decided that you should have a show on TV. Not only are your video’s very informing and entertaining but you address this subject with a since of care and humor that most (99.99%) of the people in your profession seem to lack. You seem to be (and I am sure you are) an extremely smart person who actually cares about educating the public with questions about death and the options that come with it. I just wanted to thank you for sharing.
I'm seven years late to the party, but I have two kiddos. This is a very spot on take on how kids process the death of anything, and I really appreciate you tackling this.
Dear Caitlin, I have only very recently discovered your brilliant channel in the past fortnight, and I have found all of your videos to be so entertaining, enlightening and empowering (the three E's!), and my view of death and my own eventual demise has been forever changed for the better, so I thank you for that. But this video, it truly is something special. The only video of yours that has honestly brought tears to my eyes. Truly, I cried after watching this video for the very first time. My goodness, you are a treasure. As an early childhood educator; who is responsible for looking after the littlest folk here in Australia (ages birth to six years old), I am so passionate about teaching young children all about life at a level appropriate for their development, and treating them like the capable and confident learners they are.
The way you have gone about crafting this extraordinarily poignant, eloquent and sensitive video truly fits in with all the core principles for early childhood. You are treating these littlies like the intelligent and capable tiny beings they are, and it is just so refreshing in a world where we do not respect young children's budding intellect and understandings. Yes; we should teach them about life and death! Yes, we should build on their current understanding! Yes. we should shield them from the onslaught that is twenty four hour news reporting! Yes, we should hug them tightly and frequently - those Sandy Hook families would give anything to hug their babies again. If we constantly aim to teach our children honestly about life, death should not be too hard a concept to grasp, as to understand death is to acknowledge the fragility and beauty of life, and once children understand that, they can do whatever and be whoever they want to be.
You are truly a gem, Ms Doughty. Thank you for all that you do and all that you are. xoxo
My cousin died tragically when I was 6 years old and I remember having a lot of questions and curiosities and fears about death. My parents and grandparents were very honest with me, and I’m grateful for that. I’m very against parenting styles that shield their children from it.
When my grand niece was told that her MauMau had gone away and was never coming back, she briefly looked sad, and then brightened as she asked, "Can I have her sewing machine?"
I know this is a really old comment, but I always find it interesting when kids say things that many adults would consider rude - but it's really because they're too young to understand the seriousness or sadness of a situation. Euphemisms like "going away" or "went to sleep" can be especially confusing for a child because they take things literally. I find that it's best to use straightforward language like "died" and "death" :]
It's nice that grandma has an heir, that she instilled the love of sewing in her young relative. Years later as an adult she will still think of grandmawhen she uses the sewing machine
Yes, PLEASE talk to your children about death. The death of a pet can be a good place to start. DO NOT, as my mother did, tell your children that when an elderly and sick pet suddenly disappears while they are away, 'He was very old and sick, and Jesus has taken him to Heaven to look after him'. Not only is it not true, but if your kids go investigating (as my brother and I did) they will find the burial site in the backyard and come marching inside to declare "No, He didn't - he left him in a hole in the ground."
+drhandle ugh, story of my life. the worst was when my pets "ran away". yeah, plural. my mother did not like to have to deal with upset kids, so she just took them to be euthanized and told us they ran away. i felt like the worst "pet parent" on earth.
drhandle since I actually believe that the Jesus part IS true, my aim is to relay to my future kids that the body and the soul have been seperated in the process known as death, and that what we see left behind (the tangible body) is only a part of the person we knew. The soul has indeed gone to heaven to be with God for eternity, but the body remains and will return to the dust as the Bible says it does through the process of decomposition. It's much more honest that way. :-)
That's exactly what I talk to my daughter about. That we leave our flesh/bodies behind because they were sick, or broken, and we don't need them anymore. That part is buried or burned up, and they rot away, but our soul remains whole and lives eternally in Heaven with Jesus. It's important to seperate the two ideas (mortal body and immortal soul) for children (IF of course, that's what you believe.)
@@milkweedsage When I was in college my housemates and I had a cat that got run over one day. Everyone told me he had run away. I felt terrible because I thought he had been unhappy with the life I had given him About 6 months later I was out searching for him in the neighborhood and Jeff exploded, "He's dead! He's been dead all along!" Thanks guys...
@@lazyhomebody1356 that's cruel of them!
You are my de facto death mother now because no one in my life ever told me anything about death, even when my best friend took her own life in a violent way when I was 11. Your videos make me feel better about everything. Thank you!
hello deathling queen! i'm in a bit of a pickle here and need advice.
my mother just died of breast cancer. we were not close (history of abuse) and my kids only met her once. still, i'm emotional about it, so i told them that grandma D died. (yes, bluntly like that.) we had the funeral today and part of it was scattering the "ashes". i asked my husband what he thought we should tell the kids (especially the 5 year old) about cremation. he told me that grandma's body goes in a big oven and turns to ashes.. eep. no way i was going to tell my 5 year old that, she'd get a complex about using the oven!
at the time she asked, it was the middle of the cremains being spread, so i said i'd explain later. she's at my dad's house now, and the clock is ticking - how do i make it matter of fact and not scary? i know it's a crematory and not an oven. it's cremains not ash (told my 11 year old cremains are basically bone dust, good for plants because of calcium and phosphorous) but i'm stuck on explaining the process without it sounding scary.
any suggestions for her maturity level? she's super smart and considering she's not in kindergarten yet, knows a lot of the body (at the funeral she showed off her prowess by telling everyone the lungs breathe, the kidneys make pee, and the heart is a pump that pump pump pumps blood). so she can probably handle details, but i'm still stuck on how to make it not sound kinda gruesome.
I never told you, even if I am a viewer for long time, but when you talk about death in that calm way, I feel very safe and I look at the topics with a new light, which makes me a lot more comfortable with death, beacause in my early days, everytime I thought about death and people dying, I just couldnt do anything with myself.
Thank you here from germany!
My first experience with death was when I was five and my goldfish died (it wasn't gold enough and I thought taking it out and painting it with watercolors would work WHOOPS). My dad took the fish and me into the back garden and we had a funeral for it. He knelt down and held me at his side and asked if I wanted to say a few words. That set a script for so many future funerals and really helped me in my childhood. I appreciate how seriously he treated that moment and my feelings. He's always been extremely straight forward about death, but still gentle.
Did he explain that you MURDERED Fluffy??
One of the reasons I was eager for my kids to have pets from a fairly young age was because it helps them to face death on a smaller scale before they have to face it on a big scale. I lost my mum when my youngest son was 7 (her funeral was the day after his 8th), but because we'd already lost hamsters and a dog my son understood that death was permanent and she wasn't going to come back... My niece on the other hand was 8 when sadly her little baby brother died unexpectedly and because she's never had to face death before she just couldn't understand that he wasn't coming back and kept asking when he was going to come back, which was absolutely harrowing for my brother-in-law and his wife.
My youngest, being a child of the computer age, had evidently seen things about open casket funerals and the thing that actually worried him the most was us making him go and see her - he was relieved when I told him that in the UK we don't really do open casket, and even if we did we'd never force him to go and view her (to be honest mum was in such a bad state from the cancer we wouldn't have done one anyway).
It stuck with me my mum telling me one thing she always regretted was going to see her mum after she'd died, because that was the last memory she ever had of her... So I knew my mum wouldn't have wanted that to have been the last memory of her for her grandkids (tbh she was barely recognisable the cancer had done such a number on her) - I am glad I stuck to that because their last memory of their grandma was of her happy and reasonably healthy, not the mess cancer had made of her. If she'd died of old age it might have been a different, but what the cancer did to get has left me with PTSD so it's certainly not something I wanted my kids to witness.
My son is now 16 and we talk about death very openly, what we'd want to happen in various scenarios etc
I’ve tried to be pretty blunt about death with my 4 year old. He asks questions completely out of nowhere too. My father died before he was born, and so did my MIL. We have lost pets, and whatnot too. Even plants die. Also, because electronics “die,” that needs explaining lol. It confronts us all the time. BTW You seem like you would be a fantastic mother.
This was the video mom was talking about. Thank you for making this, my mother actually did have this talk with me when I was younger and it's helped out so much
This was very heartfelt and spot on. Kids deserve honesty and for it to be presented in a loving and caring way. Thank you for posting this.
I love this episode. It was bitter sweet. My 4 year old is very fascinated by death and is always asking hard questions regarding death. He's always been very inquisitive. I sometimes don't know how to answer him. Your example of what to say had me holding back a tear or two. Thank you 💜
This was a very, very good point. We as adults also drown ourselves with media... Which at least for me personally makes me feel very anxious.. I can only imagine how children feel not only seeing it plastered on every channel, but also seeing us as adults ( their safe place ) being effected as well. Such a great point! Thank you for this :-)
I know this may sound weird, but I actually thought about you over the weekend and really hoped you'd address the Connecticut shooting in some way. Thank you. And you're spot on about the media's obsession with death and gory details. I made the awful mistake of watching the medical examiner's press conference, and I could NOT believe the questions asked by reporters. It was seriously disturbing.
Death is ignored too often around children! I asked a substantial amount of questions to my poor Mum when I was little and luckily for me she took this attitude described by Caitlin.
Great vid. x
I want to express how much I appreciate your videos, and this one in particular. My father died of cancer complications when I was a child, and because my parents didn't know how to talk about death and had therefore not prepared me for that possibility, I had to deal with grief as well as shock. I was also 'protected' from discussion of the funeral, which caused more confusion. For years after, I had a pervasive fear of my mother dying suddenly. Thank you for advocating honesty with children.
While my parents were relatively honest with me and my sister about death, they were always very uneasy about talking about the deaths of children in general.
I always thought it was because I had been born with a heart defect that I barely survived and they came very close to losing me before I was even a month old.
It turned out that when my parents were about to get married that they had a chance to adopt a boy from Vietnam that my dad was going to bring home with him when he left the army. Just weeks before the final military paperwork and adoption papers were to be signed, the village was destroyed by the (VietCom). All the villagers and the orphans were killed and my fathers unit had to go in and deal with the remains. It is highly possible that he had to bury the child he was to adopt.
So it is good to remember that sometimes while parents want to be honest as best they can, death in their own past sometimes makes it hard for them
i remember as a child, the famous Sesame Street about Mr Hooper. By the time the episode aired, I was 4. I can't tell you just how much I understood really or perhaps I should say what. I knew however it was comforting. The one thing I can tell though was, I understood the finality. Over the years I have occasionally thought back to that show. I wasn't a child to ask masses of questions (sometimes to my detriment) so I tended to find lessons or answers in things I heard. I guess I remember it in one regard because they were brave enough to talk about death and I trusted them.
How I wish some adult would have had the foresight to explain death to me in an understanding, age appropriate way when my dad died. I was only 7 years old, & my mother certainly was in no condition to do it, as she had a complete nervous breakdown & was hospitalized for several weeks following the funeral. I became "death obsessed" a few years later, once I was able to go to the library & look up all things death related. My poor mother... I'm sure my incessant need for daily trips to the cemetery to "make sure Daddy is ok" must have made her grief & loss all the more painful. When I began insisting we take him a blanket when it was cold, or go stand with an umbrella over his tombstone in the rain, so he wouldn't get wet, she realized I needed help that her love & time wouldn't fix. So, I went into therapy at 12 years old, & continued it for few years, until I finally got a grip on reality & quit acting like a weirdo. I never lost my interest in all things death, but it had a place & time, & wasn't centered around my dad being dead. I'd wanted to be become a mortician, but unfortunately, I had neither the grades or the dedication to make it to mortuary school. Oh well. Thanks Caitlin, for making this video... hopefully many children will avoid death trauma if their parents explain things to them properly.
"As adults we've gotten very good at pushing death to the back of our minds, but kids don't have those defense mechanisms"
Thats so true...Once I was told we'd all have to die eventually I was terrified of it and thinking about it every night before heading to bed. I was told "but thats still so far away for you" but it didn't help
Thank you ever so much, for your appeal! Too many parents try to keep everything unpleasant away from their children and leave them without the ability to cope if harm comes their way. Actually very few things are so bad, that not talking about them is the better option.
I, for example, never got over not being able to say good-bye to my beloved granddad, who died when I was five. It was something no-one would talk about especially not with a child. One day, my whole family sat around me, crying, but no-one told me, what was wrong. It was a friends mother who remarked upon it and that was, when I came to realise, that my granddad would never come back again. I was so scared! where was he? what was going on? what if my parents went to town and don't come back either? My dad then realised this situation was not healthy and spoke to me. But that was only after the funeral, that I had not been allowed to attend. I swore, that I would never do that to my children.
And I did not. My son is now six and he already has experienced someone dying three times. - Once at a horrible car accident where the driver was almost decapitated. We had to pass the the body in close vicinity, and every gory detail was on display. I made sure to talk to my boy and answer all his questions. I told him about, burial, decomposition, as well as beliefs. - Not all at once of course, but when the question arose. So for him, the soul is, what lives on and watches over us but the body turns to dust - unless it is mummified, of course. The other two times where family members, that have been very old and also ill for a long time, but both died at home.
It worked great for my son, to be able to talk about his fears and he is very curious as to what happens to a dead body. I personally think it is great that he does. It's not his main concern, actually the topic rarely comes up, but sometimes it does - usually during meal times (of course...:-P). It has never caused any nightmares with him, not as not talking had done with me.
Thanks again
Nicci
I agree with this. Our two year old was so confused and distraught when our family dog went to the vet and didn't come back. We explained that he was sick and went to Heaven, our upbringing & FAIL. Our son insisted that we go BRING HIM BACK. We had to further explain that he was dead and not coming back. Cue big waterworks for weeks. 😭
After that he started expressing his feelings (I miss him, I'm sad) and occasional tears seeing other dogs. Now he will talk about happy memories of our dog with a smile (age 4). Grief is hard for any age. We learned to use direct terms instead of the vagueness of our parents. 🤦🏼♀️
Wow, I found this channel today and thought to myself that did I just enter the dark side of YT. But your videos are surprisingly entertaining and educating, and as a parent this video in particular spoke to me. My parents didn't handle the subject of death well at all, and for the first 18 y of my life I struggled with an extreme fear of dying. I don't want to pass it on to my kid. I've come to the conclusion that death is like a dear friend you shouldn't invite over.
My mom never liked death. But coming from a family where I never met my biological paternal grandfather because he died when my dad was my age and my maternal grandmother constantly used to tell me the reasons why me and her late mother would get along, I learned the basics about it pretty early on my own. I knew that everyone dies, I knew that once you die you're gone, and I knew that it's very sad. I've had 3 pets who died and 5 family relatives that I knew die, and each time I felt sad, so I learned how to build up the death-denying walls at a young age. I used to ask my mom little questions about death and she would *usually give the whole truth. Then when I was 12 I started watching your videos and realized the effect death-denying actually has. My mom actually introduced me to your videos now and we've both read your book. Now I'm starting to talk to my grandmother about death and I can tell she feels uncomfortable, but she tries very hard to be open-minded. It's actually kind of great how we started out as a typical, blind to death family who only really talk about it at funerals to death-positive, open-minded family. This was highly influenced by you. I'm happy that so many people in my family who I've talked to have started to confront death (or at least start to).
Thank you for this video.
I grew up around death, as I have a large extended family (my mother's side is french-candian, so we all basically travel in packs with all living generations. It's a lot if people. Lol). Anyway, partially because of this, I get caught off guard when the kids will ask things; wakes and funerals are just second nature to me at this point. Most of my family is Roman Catholic, so we usually tell the kids about how the person isn't alive anymore, and that they are with *other passed relatives* now in heaven (I'm pagan, so I tend to omit "in heaven" if they ask me, but I don't dispute it when it's said. None of these kids are mine, not my place). Usually the questions are, "where are they? I miss them," weeks after their burial, so I'm not quite sure what else to say. From a fairly young age, for me at least, funerals were more like family get togethers with a twist. We cry, yes, but we most joke about life with them and how their spirits are probably laughing at us from beyond (we can be rather loud and scatter brained lol).
The most complicated and touchy deaths were a suicide and a 7 year old, but beyond that, unless they ask specific things, I wouldn't even have a clue what they may be wanting to actually know.
Thank you so much for this. I'm going to copy this and pass it on. My children are grown and out of the house, but I know that my grand children will be asking questions. They don't live in the same state as me, but I'm going to make sure my son sees this.
Thanks again. You are awesome.
This popped up for me to watch today. I can't he but think how appropriate it is to watch this video during a pandemic. I'm sure kids have tons of questions as the death count from COVID19 rises. And yes, I am avoiding all 24 hour news outlets right now, and only watching the snippets the late night hosts share... So I might not catch every piece of news right away, but I am maintaining my sanity!
I remember learning about death my family didn’t sugar coat it “they are dead and they are not coming back” it was traumatic for me because although they didn’t shield me from it they didn’t answer my question and made it kinda scary. This channel has helped me and when I have the talk with my children I’m gonna try to do it a little better lol
joining a group either in real life or on line to share your experiences. Depending on your religious beliefs you may also find that contacting the leaders of your place of worship helpful too. The most important thing you can do is to continue to talk to your daughter about her feelings, and to provide a supportive environment where you both can continue to share not only feelings, but memories of your mother with one another. I truly with you and your daughter the best.
I’ve been watching your channel for a while now and today my four year old told me he was worried about getting old and dying. We are not religious and I’ve been struggling to figure out how to talk to him in a different way then I was taught as a kid in the church. Thank you for making this video I really needed this today.
For instance he loves Halloween and enjoys spooky things and asked if he would come back to life. I told him he wouldn’t become a zombie like Halloween but people aren’t sure, some people believe you’ll come back as someone else, some people believe you go to heaven, but I told him grown ups don’t know for sure either.
Hi Tammy! I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. If you daughter says her grandmother is still visiting her this should not be a cause for alarm. Many children have similar experiences as this is one way that they can learn to cope with the loss of a loved one. By saying that your mom still comes to see her, she is working out how to keep her experiences of your mother still "alive" within her. When your daughter talks about visits ...
I feel like my parents did a very good job raising me. They taught me discipline respect etc. but they also taught me that death is not a bad thing at all that death will happen to every and we can not avoid. Yes death is sad for us especially if we lose someone we are very close too but everyone will die and that is not something we need to hide from others we are not immortal. If I ever had a question about death or something else my parents would answer it the best they could and give me there own opinion on it or a fact that would help explain it. I am very thankful that my parents did this for me. They taught me everything is not sunshine and rainbows that there are awful people in Thai world who want to hurt others to be kind to everyone no matter there disabilities or anything they taught me discipline and how to set goals for myself and how to accomplish those goals
thank you for this. My parents did not know how to explain with death hit home and it messed me up. Now I have a daughter and I talk with her about death often and make sure she understands. I want her to understand, to feel and to be aware of what happens.
When I was 9 my grandmother died. I was very close to her. I knew she was sick but that was about it. I was told she died in the car by my father as we were driving back from the hospital. He told me she died and then he started laughing. I thought he was kidding me. When we got home, I asked other family members. I was told she died and that is it. No tears, no explanations, nothing. I remember sitting in the shower with the water on trying to imagine what death feels like. I understand now why no one talked to me and why my father laughed at his mother's death. But, yeah, that did a lot of damage to me.
This vid has become increasingly relevant in recent years. More people should watch it
I have always been fascinated with death since I was young but it's always been a taboo-ish topic to talk about, even with my parents that never talked to me about these things. I like watching your videos because they make me see this media-phenomena "death" in a more natural way. It's definitely important to have some kind of discussion about human life and how/why it ends.
Thank you for this video my sister in law died of cancer and my 7 year old was very attached to her I haven't to her yet but after watching this I feel more confident about telling her now
Great job Caitlin! You're quickly rising to he level of "National Treasure". I've already re-posted this around Facebook. I've seen alot of people struggling with these questions since last Friday.
When I was 3, my grandfather died (skin cancer), then my auntie (suicide - overdose), and the following year, my first schoolteacher died too (also suicide - car fumes...). I've spent my entire life completely traumatised over death. I lost my other 3 grandparents as a teen, my ex took his life, and various friends died in various ways, and I just couldn't cope. My mental health deteriorated BIG time. Then, my own (physical!) health began to go downhill. Whilst it's nothing terminal or anything like that, it has put me in situations on five occasions where I was a hair's breadth away from death myself. It completely screwed me up. I tried for years to do something about it. A number of crappy therapists, determined attempts to de-sensitise myself by watching ridiculous horror films, trying to talk to people who REALLY didn't want to.... ANYWAY. I'm getting there now! My current therapist is ABSOLUTELY AMAZEBALLS, and watching this channel is SO therapeutic for me - learning the facts in a matter-of-fact and completely hilarious way is SO refreshing! I can't tell you how grateful I am for this channel. You're truly changing lives! I don't blame my family for not knowing how to explain death to me as a toddler - we really are all so CONSTIPATED when it comes to expressing feelings about "difficult" subjects. However, the course of my life would have been so very, very different had they seen a video like this way back then. So I mean this very sincerely - you really are helping people live better with your death talk! Thank you so very, very much. You're changing lives! X
Thank you for this video. It’s always best to have a honest conversation with children.
There's this one This American Life episode segment that I've listened to a lot of times called "About That Farm Upstate" that's all about talking to children about death. It deals with grief counselling for children. It's really sad but it also stresses how important it is to tell the truth about death to children in a way they can understand.
This is a fantastic way to explain to kids about death. You did a beautiful job. You are definitely in the right business.
When I was 7 I witnessed my best friend get hit by a car. She didn't die, but she was grievously injured and never returned to school with me (she came back 2 years later, but we never talked after her accident.) And now, here I am watching these videos lol.