Nope you get 2D8 crushing damage, then 3D6 Acid damage every hour for 24 hours, but 5D4 Acid damage if the creature you are inside of chooses to rest, so TLDR, roll a new character in 24 hours in game or pray you know someone who can teleport people to them or have a reviving item and avoid restrooms
That is how I killed another Player once. It was a Rain World-themed campaign and I was playing as a Green Lizard when one of the other players (a Slugcat) decided that a big meaty Lizard sounded like a perfect meal (All the PCs except my Green Lizard were starving because there weren't any non-meat food sources). The Player attempted to attack me and missed, I did a backflip by rolling a 17 (Wasted turn I know). Player attacked again and hit, then I decided to eat them (because the Slugcat was trying to kill them) I rolled high enough to eat them whole and the player tried to attack again (with advantage because they are inside me) and still missed. They scored a couple hits (because of advantage) but due to the acid damage every turn they died. In-game the other Slugcats were too terrified to intervene because of what they'd just witnessed. Out of Character the players were dumbfounded and one of them dying with laughter. Player I gave an acid bath to forgave me because it is exactly what a creature on the verge of starving would do. Though my Green Lizard is now a little less hungry. One could only imagine what would happen if your only Hunter (A Green Lizard) was hungry enough to turn on you. Hint: A TPK That ends the Tale of Clothesweaver the Slugcat, who tried to kill their Green Lizard friend for food and paid the price by being eaten by said Lizard.
“I can’t be Scrooge! I’m anticapitalist!” “The gods are not on your side tonight.” “YA *THINK????*” “What is ‘pogger’ about a bathtub full of blood?” “We activated Magic Siri.” We have fun XD
Bard: “I’m going to give you a choice and I advise you to think very carefully. Either you can pay as promised and I will be on my merry way I won’t bother you again. Or refuse and I’ll show each and every one of you just what happens when you don’t pay the piper. “ Over a dozen men were massacred that day.
Dr. Flatbush: "Now Lenny, you know the dinosaur would be happier among its own kind." Lenny: "He'd be happier with MEEEEEEE!" "I inject him from behind!" DM (looking ahead to the next section of the module): "Oh my God!" "Technically, you're a Grotesque. A Gargoyle has a water spout."
So... it was my girl Ginger that was getting build-a-bear'd. Her intro in our Cyberpunk game was being tossed out the back of a van in front of the party's armored-up bus. She survived. The bus actually broke down after hitting her.
Got 3 of those: First one: DM: No, you can't save him. Not only most of his insides are on the outside, most of those still inside aren't where there're supposed to be. Second one: DM: No, you cannot breed. It wouldn't work. Player: Give me one good reason why. DM: I can give you 2. First, he's a guy. Second, he's dead. Third one: DM, at the end of the session: And as usual, the closed door was the biggest threat to the party.
Rogue: *is talking to a king after the party rescued a princess* Bard: "while everyone's talking to the king, i'm going to try and loot the treasury." dm: "please remind me who's the rogue and who's the bard because i forgot" "Torak. Not. Crab." Cleric: *has just finished performing a ritual on a skeleton* Rogue: *loots skeleton* Necromancer: *puts the skeleton in his bag of holding* Cleric: *finishes a ritual on the next skeleton* Rogue: *loots skeleton* Necromancer: *puts the skeleton in his bag of holding* DM: "I hate all of you." (during CoS) Artificer: *is analyzing a spinning blade door in death house* Barbarian: "I shove him into my backpack." (artificer is a kobold) DM: what?? Artificer: What?? I mean sure, but WHAT?? Barbarian: I dive through the door everybody else: WHAT!? DM: uhh...roll for it, i guess. Since you have the kobold too, roll for them as well. Barbarian: *rolls 2d20. Barbarian gets a 17. Kobold gets a nat 1* Kobold: *is now on death saves* healer (i forget class, but they're already outside): I heal them with some mud, random mushrooms, and that weird flower from the basement. (the character is a witch doctor btw)
P1 (a halfling): "I just got my memory back. Now I'm going to kill everyone or kill myself trying." P2: "What? Why!?" P1 (a halfling): "I'm also 200 years old apparently...This is going to be a long week."
DM: You walk into the room and look around. There are doors on all four walls, one right next to the other, then, suddenly... a bajillion skeletons jump out at you. What do you do? Paladin: I curl up into a ball and cry. Cleric: Um... mommy? Mage: I don't think I have a spell for this...
Hey, I wanna know what happens next there? Did the group get crushed under a bajillion skeletons and their weapons, or were they bored to death by bad bone puns?
@anwd8646 I shouldn't add context to an out of context quote. However, once I let the moment simmer a second, I said, "Just kidding, tension breaker." We all laughed, and then I described the real encounter in the room. A thousand skeletons, in waves of 100, 2/3 were normal, the players are going to kick their ass, skeletons, but a full 1/3 were 1 HP skeletons that when killed detonated, sending out bone shrapnel for 1D8 damage to everything in a 30 foot radius (so the whole room). Skeletons destroyed by the blast added their bones to the shrapnel for an additional D6 damage, as always save for half. They discovered this by accident and found out that the skeletons tended to create chain reactions, turning the entire room into a complete blender for the next ten rounds. A bajillion skeletons became a running gag for the group, and we had plenty of those. Edit: (P), Forgot to add the save
“The rock slightly smiles.” “This is either an evil elder god or the second coming of rock Jesus.” “Did we just do the fantasy version of JFK?” “Yes, yes you did.” “Fireball is the tiefling’s weakness!” “Did you really have to murder those kids?!?!” “Asmodeus grows 18 arms out his back and flips you off with all of them.” “Why did you kidnap the catboy cashier?!” “You see a man walking towards you, it’s Joe Biden, 46th president of the United States.” “Give me your almond milk!” *thunder strike* “My milk armour is too strong for your tiny weak bread claws!” I can provide context
@@gilbertosantos2806 we assassinated a political leader with a shotgun wielding genasi, he was the one who said ‘fireball is a tiefling’s weakness when trying to kill my character with a fireball scroll, I asked my DM if we recreated JFK in dnd and he confirmed
“And with that the bandit with take 13 testicular damage” “I cast firebolt at his junk!” “You signal your companion outside by playing Master of Puppets at full blast.” “Wizard: Despite the main ingredient in this magic bread we still have what? half a dozen loaves we found after that raid? Goblin: it’s only cannibalism for you two. The rest of us it’s magic bread.”
“No, we will not be following those demons through that portal to the Nine Hells. We’ve already got enough ‘other world’ shenanigans going on as it is. We are NOT doing a double isekai!”
*clangclatterclang* GM: The knight is saying something important, but none of you took Monastic Sign Language *clatterclatterclangCLANG* GM: Angry full plate sign language noises intensify. "It's only bees. What's the worst that could happen?" "You left the ogre unsupervised in a holy place AGAIN?!?" "You gave the door a thermite enema" "It turns out that ogres do not, in fact, come with power steering" "Crumbly is a graduate of the School of Hard Knocks, the University of Life, and the Technical College of Unreasonable Acts"
C1: "Mod, why were you falling between the planes?" C2: "Exploded too many flumphs. Why are you so old?" C1: "... That doesn't answer my question and unlike you I was raising our daughter!... who... ascended to godhood..." C2: "Neat!" C1: "Not neat! My god tied my life to hers because she's his descendant and wanted to give her a babysitter! I want to finally DIE dammit!" C2: "Soooo..... want me to punch you?" C1: "I don't think that'll work Mod." C2: "Worked on this squid." C1: "thats an... is that an aboleth?! where the fuck did you pull that from?!" C1: "Hey, Marcus." C2: "Yes Mod?" C1: "Don't be mad." C2: "What did you do now?!" C1: "grew a tree." C2: "... where?" C1: "the shiny house." C2: (looks out window) "thats the royal palace Mod... why is there a giant tree sticking out of it? WHY WERE YOU AT THE ROYAL PALACE?!" C1: "Don't you say it Mod." C2:"... Told you so" C1: (punches Mod) NPC: "So, how are we going to siege this castle with... 30 men?" C1: "29 men and a Mod. Speaking of... hey Mod! Those guards on the walls want to play Pop-Goes-The-Mod!" C2: "YAY!!" (pops out of existence) NPC: "Umm, where'd he go?" C1: "Wait for it..." (BOOOM!!) oh good it was something explosiv-.... WHY ARE ALL THE WALLS WET AND SLIMY?!" Former guards: "HELP US!!" C2: "WHY ARE YOU RUNNIN?!" Angry Dragon: "GET OFF ME MORTAL SCUM!" C1: "... Can't." AD: "THEN... DAMMIT! (rolls over) WHY WONT YOU DIE?!" C1: "Beat him in a headbutt contest. Marcus, when will the spells end? I want to hit stuff!" C2: "... It's your own magic, and I'm still trying to figure out why you are magically glued to a dragon." C1: "... oh no..." C2: "what? its just a flumph spirit. you used to summon them all the ti-" Flumph: "MODHAN FRIGHTWEAVER OVETHAVEA, YOU DARE DEFY THE WILL OF THE FLUMPH GOD?!?!" C1:"Marcus. What is this?" C2: "Its the sign-up forms for our mercenary company, you just need to sig-" C1: "Its as thick as my bicep. Too long. Can't read." C2: "... Ok, so maybe-" C1: "No. If i don't like something, most people despise that thing. we have people, use them." C2: "...who are you and what have you done with Mod?" C1:"... Mod... is that your severed leg?" C2: "yep." C1: "why is it attached to a handle?" C2: "So i can kick people with my hands!"
DM: “You shoot a flaming arrow and light the ships sail on fire” Player: “I guess we should’ve discussed what the signal would be…” DM: “The rat sitting on your head raises its front paws and lightning strikes down from the skies” DM: “You successfully make a corset out of the skeletons rib cage…” Player 1: “How close is their ship?” DM: “Pretty much right behind you” Player 1: “And they’re at full sail?” DM: “Yes” Player 1: “Drop the anchors!” Player 2: “…. Why?” Player 1: “I’m gonna hit the brakes and they’ll fly right by!” DM: “…… are you….. are you trying to Top Gun the enemy ship…?”
The server my group plays in has an entire channel dedicated to this "How the hell did a 1d4 kill Goliath????" "Im going to shoot the other Hayden Christensen" "I wish I could be a demon cuckold" "Im going to blow the panther... that came out wrong" The Barbarian: "Are you sure?" The Swashbuckler/Hexblade: "I could ask a rat again" "Team A is Team Assault, Team B is Team Business" "The Bard is being grapulated" "Can I detect if they are fiends, fey, or unwild?" "Well, theyre submissive and breedable sooooo...." "This one has a switch under it, which when you flip it, it plays Little Dark Age" "Im not ready to get lynched" "Why would I listen to a SCIENTOLOGIST tell me lies, when I can have HASBRO tell me the truth?" "Reminder that if you Polymorph me into a T-Rex, I become wiser" "....So only his head is knocked prone?" "Its a dog eat dog bag (of holding)" "Catholic Fox boys" "Bratty wife, needs magic missile correction" DM: "(Necromancer) are you SURE you dont want to roll that CON save?" *sound of a mountain of dice* Necromancer: "I think ill roll that CON save" "Strahd has a built in 'rocks fall' called Strahd" "Oh great, the Rogue is smiting now" "This does not feel like a victory shit" "'The ONE TIME Im not playing a female character, I miss the opportunity to dress up as a maid" "The shadow is bloodied" "Do fists count as finesse weapons?" Bard: "We're doing a 3 man team on this, the Warlock is dead, the Rogue is gonna mog, and Im gonna lie" "The cock ring of remove curse" "I rolled a nat 20, thats a total 35 on my rizz check" "We could make it so he can't cast any spells. Check this out-- I'm going to break all of his fingers." "I know how to make him talk. (DM) have you seen Higurashi? You know the fingernail scene?" Paladin: "Great, so we have Mom and Dad" Necromancer: "And Dad is a hopeless alcoholic, its just like real life" DM: "Ranger, if the Cleric and Rogue didnt do what they did, I probably wouldve killed you" Ranger: "That's fine, I wouldve kept playing Terraria" "Because shes really stinky, you need to make a CON save" "The baby is no longer on fire" "We find the crack child on the way out" "I need to guiding bolt this baby" "She's cute, too bad shes a demon. I can exorcise her" Necromancer: "I forgot I did that" DM: "ohohoho I sure didnt" Bard: "If you want something done you gotta do it yourself" Necromancer: "Is this in regards to the grooming or?" *whispering* "This is the one time its okay to lie to a child" Bard: "The book just says hoard, is there like a description of it?" Necromancer: "Its just a picture of your mother" Necromancer: "I probably dont smell that bad" Fighter: "Youre a LITERAL corpse" "Why would Putt-Putt's soul be up for sale?" "Because if his soul wasnt his body would be"
Imagine this line spoken in a player's best Jester/Tali'Zorah impression: "Man. This General guy sounds like a terrible person. Do you want us to go pour bleach on him?" Bonus from a different campaign: "That bird in a Napoleon hat just took bath salts and murdered a giant wolf with his bare hands! Kill kill kill oh god please" Bonus^2: "Roll for malt vinegar!" Bonus^3: "Well, the once and future Goblin King has been messily devoured..."
"You burst open these horse legs" "It ruins it for me if you like this!" "I was just trying to start drama." "you suceeded." “Whos that god again?” “Jesus?!?!” "The god of war comes down and offers sex for you" "These are animals, not bandits, we can let them live." "Splitting the difference between a dinner plate and Captain America's shield." “Oh that’s brutal. Anyway” "As you start to racially profile this guy" "That snake is a FUCKING SAINT"
Fighter: "okay i did a trench" Dm: "okay roll for it. What are you using?" Fighter: "Im using my great sword its enchanted." Dm... Fighter... Fighter "Natural 20" Whole playgroup. "Gad dangit". Dm "sigh.. you dug up the dead child"
Player: I need to sharpen the weighstone. DM: You're sharpening the weighstone with another weighstone? Player: I meant I'm sharpening my sword. DM: By sharpening a weighstone with another weighstone, you make it sharpen the sword twice as sharp. Player: ...I'm fine with this.
Hm... Dm: *slams table.* "the llama's here" My character, to a tribal man with whom she recently started dating, and after ruining a cult's attempt at an apocalypse: "and maybe you could teach me some of your oral traditions... WAIT THAT DIDNT COME OUT RI-" Dm: "aaaaand that's the end of the campaign"
"Hey DM, what's the critical on a can of creamed corn?" Shadowrun Character 1: what's that wall made of? Shadowrun Character 2: I don't know, throw me at it & let's find out!
Beacon of Hope would apply to Life Transference...by maximizing the self-damage you deal to yourself. Tun your "Beacon of Hope" into a "Beacon of Masochism" today!
Siris: So, you’re telling me that throughout all recorded history, there is a 98% success rate of old men warriors destroying entire armies alone? SR-9: Yes. This is why we do not fuck with that man. *points to rickety old farmer wearing a straw hat and using a rake as a walking cane*
@14:24 Editor is a pedantic rules lawyer that missed the first bit on the description of events: BBEG takes damage from healing; they were casting life transference to damage THEMSELVES and "heal" the BBEG, thus harming them. They're obviously casting it in such a way as to take the maximum amount of damage possible.
Another i remembered. Elf Hunter: Quit being "sexual.harassment seminar" guy and manhandle those drugs like i asked. Rogue: But i like being the sexual harassment seminar guy.
I got one: We were facing a Zombie T-Rex and lost (Gargantuan undead enemy, what do ya do with no radiant attacks?). Upon traveling to the nearest village, a Giant's village, We made our way to the farmer to inquire about their stolen crops. I asked "Anyone know any Vampires?" to the group as a stakeout joke. The farmer near instantly exclaimed "How did you know our crops were stolen by Vampires?!" I took the opportunity to stand there silently until the word "HUH?!" escaped my mouth.
"You're dodging a lot of tongues...." Our DM to your female Wizard in a fight against a bunch of Froghouls. DM *Rolls* "22 to hit?" Mothkin Wizard: I'll parry that and make it miss. DM: Alright, you parry the tongue. (Same fight as above.) Mothkin Wizard after a round of misses from Froghoul tongue attacks: No means No!
Oh I have one. “GO TOUCH THE SPACE BUTTHOLE” DM was giving us a sort of buff at first level for balance, and she put it in the form of us touching a little like void bubble and it granting us astral grace.
"Can i roll history to get a google search?" "i came home back half drunk, and you are talking about furry dragons." "Me and aziz don't need swearing privilege. We're just racist." "Prepare thyself for an ass-kicking of biblical proportions! The only question will be who receives it!" "Oh god, HE'S DODGING THE RIZZ." "yeet the child." "No, i can't really do that. It's not my child"
four that I have 1. me after watching an angel of Thor fly away to Valhalla, "That guy must be a dame Indian" 2. "You know, I am starting to think this Strad guy is not such a good guy" 3. Player "what do you mean the cops are trying to arrest me?", DM "You shot up a blockbuster" 4. "I am not saying the apocalypses is coming I am saying it is hear, holy book says so"
my homebrew campaign and the players just did this sunday: Barbarian: I've used the artifact to look through the illusion, what do I see Me: the floating emerald is made of paper Barbarian cuts a piece of the emerald, goes to the wizard, shoves the piece of emerald in his mouth (illusion made of paper) and goes: eat the rock, it's paper, that's the solution to the riddle
Me, the DM: Alright, so the hamster's hacking the computer, give me an Intelligence check to see if you can get in to the files before the angels come back.
"I don't think we should get a long rest. I'm taking a level of exhaustion." "A level of exhaustion?" "For sex." "Oh bruh." Quote from Just Roll With It: Apotheosis. Bonus from the same scene: "We had biblically-accurate androgynous sex."
Slightly elaborated, heard over a psychic link after losing sight of companions in a heist gone bad "Ahhhhh" "FIRE!" "Mother, Father, Forgive me!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
*Monster jumps on Player Character's back* *Player:* I roll over. *Player proceeds to roll a Nat 20* There are some things that even a veteran DM can't plan.
im the dm for my most recent campaign, the group was in a tavern (they were sheltering there temporarily), and one of my players found the cartographer, claimed he was “looking at me funny” and attempted to attack the cartographer. he rolled a nat 1, failed to attack the still-standing, unsuspecting, cartographer, and loose his shoe. his character then looked up at him, and asked “yo, man, can i get my shoe back?” by far my favorite random event.
DM: "Bojangles, say something Inspiring." Bojangles: "Biscuit." DM: "Congradulations, you just drowned a fish!" Me: "Oh Mr. Captain! You look like you could use some heeeeelp!" The Duregar Captain that was just trying to enslave us: "Are you GOING to help?" DM: "What is the Fishman doing?" Kuo Toa player: "Staring at the statue." Later... DM: "What is the Fishman doing?" The same player: "Still staring at the Statue." Me: "What's so great about your home city?" The Derro NPC: "Well, for one, it's home to this really fat dragon named Themberchaud--" Me: "We have to go to that city!" Me: "I am a Sentient Blood Ooze that exanguinates bodies to grow bigger, you picked the WRONG party to play the Tragic Wendingo possessed character." DM: "Bojangles, say something Inspiring." Bojangles: "Chicken." Me: "Rrrragh! That feels better!" Stone Giant: "Oh, you're actually a person." Ranger: "I put Barbra in a Jar. She's now Jarbra." Ranger, a little later: "I scoop up some of the blood and put it in Jarbra." DM: "She seems happy." Ranger's Player, out of game: "You remember what happened last time you got a Decanter of Endless Water, right?" Me: "If I remember correctly, I shot a Vampire Spawn off a wall to their death." Yojin: "So he's bent over?" GM: "Yup." Yojin: "I lower my pike and drive forward." Street Samurai: "Case your ammo and MOVE! Oh wait, you use Revolvers. Just MOVE, then!" Wizard: "I cast shit yourself!" Me: "Aww man, I forgot to add 2d6 for the crit..." DM: "You've already doubled the Elder Brain's Hitpoints in one shot!" Druid: "If you die I'm raising your corpse as a Zombie and sending it to the nearest Cleric for resurection." Warlock: "Thank you, I appreciate that, really." Bard: "IHATETIMETRAVELIHATETIMETRAVELIHATETIMETRAVELIHATETIMETRAVEL!" DM: "So... what's yhe Fishman doing as the party fights the City Guards?" Kuo Toa Player: "Sitting on the boat with his hat."
DM: "You wake up in a bathtub. Inside of it is a diving mask, a whip, a ceremonial dagger, several smeared bananas, and 500 GP."
Idk why but I'm hearing the jigsaw voice saying this.
Bard: well...at least they left me a kidney this time.
Wtf
PC: "Not again..."
DM: No you cant put a Subway in my fictional underground city.
Player: But everyone likes footlongs.
DM: Wait you meant the sandwhich chain?
I 100% thought it was about the sandwich, until "underground city" then realized my first assumption was correct
(renting a room at an inn)
Fighter: "I go to sleep feeling proud about my day"
DM: "YOU MURDERED SEVEN BABIES!"
What happened here?!
“Please don’t fornicate with anymore of my clones without my knowledge.”
"i can turn into a poisonous snake if you want to milk me"
Father to his son, "No, your gym teacher isn't a werewolf, he's just Italian."
"I go down on the Mindflayer."
“There will be no making of half-fish babies in this campaign!”
-Me (the DM)
“We’re about to have to beat a bad dragon”
“This bad dragon is going to be a pain in the ass”
“That bad dragon split Beowulf in half!”
“Wait, if I polymorph into food and you eat me; are we kissing?”
Nope you get 2D8 crushing damage, then 3D6 Acid damage every hour for 24 hours, but 5D4 Acid damage if the creature you are inside of chooses to rest, so TLDR, roll a new character in 24 hours in game or pray you know someone who can teleport people to them or have a reviving item and avoid restrooms
That is how I killed another Player once. It was a Rain World-themed campaign and I was playing as a Green Lizard when one of the other players (a Slugcat) decided that a big meaty Lizard sounded like a perfect meal (All the PCs except my Green Lizard were starving because there weren't any non-meat food sources). The Player attempted to attack me and missed, I did a backflip by rolling a 17 (Wasted turn I know). Player attacked again and hit, then I decided to eat them (because the Slugcat was trying to kill them) I rolled high enough to eat them whole and the player tried to attack again (with advantage because they are inside me) and still missed. They scored a couple hits (because of advantage) but due to the acid damage every turn they died. In-game the other Slugcats were too terrified to intervene because of what they'd just witnessed. Out of Character the players were dumbfounded and one of them dying with laughter. Player I gave an acid bath to forgave me because it is exactly what a creature on the verge of starving would do. Though my Green Lizard is now a little less hungry. One could only imagine what would happen if your only Hunter (A Green Lizard) was hungry enough to turn on you. Hint: A TPK
That ends the Tale of Clothesweaver the Slugcat, who tried to kill their Green Lizard friend for food and paid the price by being eaten by said Lizard.
@@protonicprotogen6304RAINWORLD MENTION
"Nobody and I mean NOBODY, fucks with the mailman!"
"With the 23. You successfully put the head in the bag of Ravenous Squirrels..."
"Okay! We just need to keep it on his head until he dies."
Ranger: "So why, Squirrel, did you let the canary man put all those feathers in her pocket?"
The Dire Wolf: "...he gave me meaty bits."
Me: "I want to roll to craft something using the materials around me"
DM: "congratulations, you've made crack."
"I have no memory and even I know that's bullshit"
“I can’t be Scrooge! I’m anticapitalist!”
“The gods are not on your side tonight.” “YA *THINK????*”
“What is ‘pogger’ about a bathtub full of blood?”
“We activated Magic Siri.”
We have fun XD
Bard: “I’m going to give you a choice and I advise you to think very carefully. Either you can pay as promised and I will be on my merry way I won’t bother you again.
Or refuse and I’ll show each and every one of you just what happens when you don’t pay the piper. “
Over a dozen men were massacred that day.
"Wait The Red Widow is your wife?!"
"What can I say, I got a thing for vampire assassins?"
Dr. Flatbush: "Now Lenny, you know the dinosaur would be happier among its own kind."
Lenny: "He'd be happier with MEEEEEEE!"
"I inject him from behind!"
DM (looking ahead to the next section of the module): "Oh my God!"
"Technically, you're a Grotesque. A Gargoyle has a water spout."
So... it was my girl Ginger that was getting build-a-bear'd. Her intro in our Cyberpunk game was being tossed out the back of a van in front of the party's armored-up bus.
She survived. The bus actually broke down after hitting her.
"I want her on the team."
"Why?"
"She's tougher than the bus."
“I was gone for only five minutes! WHY THE HELL IS THERE MORE CHILDREN?!”
Me DM-ing a Star Wars campaign: "No, you cannot hide the Sith Holocron in your 'Prison Wallet'."
Got 3 of those:
First one:
DM: No, you can't save him. Not only most of his insides are on the outside, most of those still inside aren't where there're supposed to be.
Second one:
DM: No, you cannot breed. It wouldn't work.
Player: Give me one good reason why.
DM: I can give you 2. First, he's a guy. Second, he's dead.
Third one:
DM, at the end of the session: And as usual, the closed door was the biggest threat to the party.
Rogue: *is talking to a king after the party rescued a princess*
Bard: "while everyone's talking to the king, i'm going to try and loot the treasury."
dm: "please remind me who's the rogue and who's the bard because i forgot"
"Torak. Not. Crab."
Cleric: *has just finished performing a ritual on a skeleton*
Rogue: *loots skeleton*
Necromancer: *puts the skeleton in his bag of holding*
Cleric: *finishes a ritual on the next skeleton*
Rogue: *loots skeleton*
Necromancer: *puts the skeleton in his bag of holding*
DM: "I hate all of you."
(during CoS)
Artificer: *is analyzing a spinning blade door in death house*
Barbarian: "I shove him into my backpack." (artificer is a kobold)
DM: what??
Artificer: What?? I mean sure, but WHAT??
Barbarian: I dive through the door
everybody else: WHAT!?
DM: uhh...roll for it, i guess. Since you have the kobold too, roll for them as well.
Barbarian: *rolls 2d20. Barbarian gets a 17. Kobold gets a nat 1*
Kobold: *is now on death saves*
healer (i forget class, but they're already outside): I heal them with some mud, random mushrooms, and that weird flower from the basement. (the character is a witch doctor btw)
P1 (a halfling): "I just got my memory back. Now I'm going to kill everyone or kill myself trying."
P2: "What? Why!?"
P1 (a halfling): "I'm also 200 years old apparently...This is going to be a long week."
DM: You walk into the room and look around. There are doors on all four walls, one right next to the other, then, suddenly... a bajillion skeletons jump out at you. What do you do?
Paladin: I curl up into a ball and cry.
Cleric: Um... mommy?
Mage: I don't think I have a spell for this...
Hey, I wanna know what happens next there? Did the group get crushed under a bajillion skeletons and their weapons, or were they bored to death by bad bone puns?
@anwd8646 I shouldn't add context to an out of context quote.
However, once I let the moment simmer a second, I said, "Just kidding, tension breaker." We all laughed, and then I described the real encounter in the room. A thousand skeletons, in waves of 100, 2/3 were normal, the players are going to kick their ass, skeletons, but a full 1/3 were 1 HP skeletons that when killed detonated, sending out bone shrapnel for 1D8 damage to everything in a 30 foot radius (so the whole room). Skeletons destroyed by the blast added their bones to the shrapnel for an additional D6 damage, as always save for half.
They discovered this by accident and found out that the skeletons tended to create chain reactions, turning the entire room into a complete blender for the next ten rounds. A bajillion skeletons became a running gag for the group, and we had plenty of those.
Edit: (P), Forgot to add the save
"that's right. for all you know i am your father." - my Bard character to a dragon blood Sorcerer character.
"Beholder milk? Forget the 'how', why!?" "It has a long shelf life."
"I rip its tongue out and whip it around like a snake!"
"Everyone else makea DEX save..."
“The rock slightly smiles.”
“This is either an evil elder god or the second coming of rock Jesus.”
“Did we just do the fantasy version of JFK?”
“Yes, yes you did.”
“Fireball is the tiefling’s weakness!”
“Did you really have to murder those kids?!?!”
“Asmodeus grows 18 arms out his back and flips you off with all of them.”
“Why did you kidnap the catboy cashier?!”
“You see a man walking towards you, it’s Joe Biden, 46th president of the United States.”
“Give me your almond milk!” *thunder strike*
“My milk armour is too strong for your tiny weak bread claws!”
I can provide context
Please do they're hilarious 😂
@@abhinandangurjar9826 well which ones would you like me to explain first?
@@EvilAutismshow the hell did you recreate JFK
@@gilbertosantos2806 we assassinated a political leader with a shotgun wielding genasi, he was the one who said ‘fireball is a tiefling’s weakness when trying to kill my character with a fireball scroll, I asked my DM if we recreated JFK in dnd and he confirmed
@@EvilAutisms I just want to know how you got milk armour
"trauma is the glue that holds this family together".
I forgot to mention that trauma wasn't actually trauma but in fact the horse named trauma.
“And with that the bandit with take 13 testicular damage”
“I cast firebolt at his junk!”
“You signal your companion outside by playing Master of Puppets at full blast.”
“Wizard: Despite the main ingredient in this magic bread we still have what? half a dozen loaves we found after that raid? Goblin: it’s only cannibalism for you two. The rest of us it’s magic bread.”
“No, we will not be following those demons through that portal to the Nine Hells. We’ve already got enough ‘other world’ shenanigans going on as it is. We are NOT doing a double isekai!”
Our fighter to our warlock: “You can’t see the all red flags when have blindness”
*clangclatterclang*
GM: The knight is saying something important, but none of you took Monastic Sign Language
*clatterclatterclangCLANG*
GM: Angry full plate sign language noises intensify.
"It's only bees. What's the worst that could happen?"
"You left the ogre unsupervised in a holy place AGAIN?!?"
"You gave the door a thermite enema"
"It turns out that ogres do not, in fact, come with power steering"
"Crumbly is a graduate of the School of Hard Knocks, the University of Life, and the Technical College of Unreasonable Acts"
C1: "Mod, why were you falling between the planes?"
C2: "Exploded too many flumphs. Why are you so old?"
C1: "... That doesn't answer my question and unlike you I was raising our daughter!... who... ascended to godhood..."
C2: "Neat!"
C1: "Not neat! My god tied my life to hers because she's his descendant and wanted to give her a babysitter! I want to finally DIE dammit!"
C2: "Soooo..... want me to punch you?"
C1: "I don't think that'll work Mod."
C2: "Worked on this squid."
C1: "thats an... is that an aboleth?! where the fuck did you pull that from?!"
C1: "Hey, Marcus."
C2: "Yes Mod?"
C1: "Don't be mad."
C2: "What did you do now?!"
C1: "grew a tree."
C2: "... where?"
C1: "the shiny house."
C2: (looks out window) "thats the royal palace Mod... why is there a giant tree sticking out of it? WHY WERE YOU AT THE ROYAL PALACE?!"
C1: "Don't you say it Mod."
C2:"... Told you so"
C1: (punches Mod)
NPC: "So, how are we going to siege this castle with... 30 men?"
C1: "29 men and a Mod. Speaking of... hey Mod! Those guards on the walls want to play Pop-Goes-The-Mod!"
C2: "YAY!!" (pops out of existence)
NPC: "Umm, where'd he go?"
C1: "Wait for it..." (BOOOM!!) oh good it was something explosiv-.... WHY ARE ALL THE WALLS WET AND SLIMY?!"
Former guards: "HELP US!!"
C2: "WHY ARE YOU RUNNIN?!"
Angry Dragon: "GET OFF ME MORTAL SCUM!"
C1: "... Can't."
AD: "THEN... DAMMIT! (rolls over) WHY WONT YOU DIE?!"
C1: "Beat him in a headbutt contest. Marcus, when will the spells end? I want to hit stuff!"
C2: "... It's your own magic, and I'm still trying to figure out why you are magically glued to a dragon."
C1: "... oh no..."
C2: "what? its just a flumph spirit. you used to summon them all the ti-"
Flumph: "MODHAN FRIGHTWEAVER OVETHAVEA, YOU DARE DEFY THE WILL OF THE FLUMPH GOD?!?!"
C1:"Marcus. What is this?"
C2: "Its the sign-up forms for our mercenary company, you just need to sig-"
C1: "Its as thick as my bicep. Too long. Can't read."
C2: "... Ok, so maybe-"
C1: "No. If i don't like something, most people despise that thing. we have people, use them."
C2: "...who are you and what have you done with Mod?"
C1:"... Mod... is that your severed leg?"
C2: "yep."
C1: "why is it attached to a handle?"
C2: "So i can kick people with my hands!"
That was fucking hilarious
"I'm not raging but I *am* pissed off!"
Player 1: “Enlarged Stromboli”
Player 2: “That would be awesome”
"ooh apple sauce" *proceeds to shot by five different people*
"You fool! God can not smite me.... for I am a cactus"
DM: “You shoot a flaming arrow and light the ships sail on fire”
Player: “I guess we should’ve discussed what the signal would be…”
DM: “The rat sitting on your head raises its front paws and lightning strikes down from the skies”
DM: “You successfully make a corset out of the skeletons rib cage…”
Player 1: “How close is their ship?”
DM: “Pretty much right behind you”
Player 1: “And they’re at full sail?”
DM: “Yes”
Player 1: “Drop the anchors!”
Player 2: “…. Why?”
Player 1: “I’m gonna hit the brakes and they’ll fly right by!”
DM: “…… are you….. are you trying to Top Gun the enemy ship…?”
The server my group plays in has an entire channel dedicated to this
"How the hell did a 1d4 kill Goliath????"
"Im going to shoot the other Hayden Christensen"
"I wish I could be a demon cuckold"
"Im going to blow the panther... that came out wrong"
The Barbarian: "Are you sure?"
The Swashbuckler/Hexblade: "I could ask a rat again"
"Team A is Team Assault, Team B is Team Business"
"The Bard is being grapulated"
"Can I detect if they are fiends, fey, or unwild?"
"Well, theyre submissive and breedable sooooo...."
"This one has a switch under it, which when you flip it, it plays Little Dark Age"
"Im not ready to get lynched"
"Why would I listen to a SCIENTOLOGIST tell me lies, when I can have HASBRO tell me the truth?"
"Reminder that if you Polymorph me into a T-Rex, I become wiser"
"....So only his head is knocked prone?"
"Its a dog eat dog bag (of holding)"
"Catholic Fox boys"
"Bratty wife, needs magic missile correction"
DM: "(Necromancer) are you SURE you dont want to roll that CON save?" *sound of a mountain of dice*
Necromancer: "I think ill roll that CON save"
"Strahd has a built in 'rocks fall' called Strahd"
"Oh great, the Rogue is smiting now"
"This does not feel like a victory shit"
"'The ONE TIME Im not playing a female character, I miss the opportunity to dress up as a maid"
"The shadow is bloodied"
"Do fists count as finesse weapons?"
Bard: "We're doing a 3 man team on this, the Warlock is dead, the Rogue is gonna mog, and Im gonna lie"
"The cock ring of remove curse"
"I rolled a nat 20, thats a total 35 on my rizz check"
"We could make it so he can't cast any spells. Check this out-- I'm going to break all of his fingers."
"I know how to make him talk. (DM) have you seen Higurashi? You know the fingernail scene?"
Paladin: "Great, so we have Mom and Dad"
Necromancer: "And Dad is a hopeless alcoholic, its just like real life"
DM: "Ranger, if the Cleric and Rogue didnt do what they did, I probably wouldve killed you"
Ranger: "That's fine, I wouldve kept playing Terraria"
"Because shes really stinky, you need to make a CON save"
"The baby is no longer on fire"
"We find the crack child on the way out"
"I need to guiding bolt this baby"
"She's cute, too bad shes a demon. I can exorcise her"
Necromancer: "I forgot I did that"
DM: "ohohoho I sure didnt"
Bard: "If you want something done you gotta do it yourself"
Necromancer: "Is this in regards to the grooming or?"
*whispering* "This is the one time its okay to lie to a child"
Bard: "The book just says hoard, is there like a description of it?"
Necromancer: "Its just a picture of your mother"
Necromancer: "I probably dont smell that bad"
Fighter: "Youre a LITERAL corpse"
"Why would Putt-Putt's soul be up for sale?"
"Because if his soul wasnt his body would be"
PANR has tuned in.
Another one from Just Roll With It, this time from the Prime Defenders campaign.
"Stop asking me to roll Perception!"
"Dude, stop trying to perceive!"
Imagine this line spoken in a player's best Jester/Tali'Zorah impression: "Man. This General guy sounds like a terrible person. Do you want us to go pour bleach on him?"
Bonus from a different campaign: "That bird in a Napoleon hat just took bath salts and murdered a giant wolf with his bare hands! Kill kill kill oh god please"
Bonus^2: "Roll for malt vinegar!"
Bonus^3: "Well, the once and future Goblin King has been messily devoured..."
"I fistbump the childs face"
"You burst open these horse legs"
"It ruins it for me if you like this!"
"I was just trying to start drama." "you suceeded."
“Whos that god again?” “Jesus?!?!”
"The god of war comes down and offers sex for you"
"These are animals, not bandits, we can let them live."
"Splitting the difference between a dinner plate and Captain America's shield."
“Oh that’s brutal. Anyway”
"As you start to racially profile this guy"
"That snake is a FUCKING SAINT"
As the player of the druid who was a bird that pecked at a guard, all I have to say is that the guy deserved it.
Fighter: "okay i did a trench"
Dm: "okay roll for it. What are you using?"
Fighter: "Im using my great sword its enchanted."
Dm...
Fighter...
Fighter "Natural 20"
Whole playgroup. "Gad dangit".
Dm "sigh.. you dug up the dead child"
"I want to enter the teenager"
Player: I need to sharpen the weighstone.
DM: You're sharpening the weighstone with another weighstone?
Player: I meant I'm sharpening my sword.
DM: By sharpening a weighstone with another weighstone, you make it sharpen the sword twice as sharp.
Player: ...I'm fine with this.
It's "whetstone".
“This conversation went off the rails when we started talking about Dragonborn nipples”
Hobgoblin: "I won't talk."
Monk: "I'll turn your rhino into a nice suit."
“We killed 2 birds with one bird!
Hm...
Dm: *slams table.* "the llama's here"
My character, to a tribal man with whom she recently started dating, and after ruining a cult's attempt at an apocalypse: "and maybe you could teach me some of your oral traditions... WAIT THAT DIDNT COME OUT RI-"
Dm: "aaaaand that's the end of the campaign"
To the innkeeper: “Can you make sure my boss gets this severed head?”
"we aren't hullucinating, we're just seeing things that aren't there"
“You can’t counterspell Death!”, “Hold my ale!”
“What are you going to do brother? Cook up some really garlicky blood sausage to attack the vampires with?”
"Walt, you can't cut off the protagonist head"
Me, a paladin: "Get in the fucking closet right now. No time to explain" to an npc whoes house we just barged into
"Hey DM, what's the critical on a can of creamed corn?"
Shadowrun Character 1: what's that wall made of?
Shadowrun Character 2: I don't know, throw me at it & let's find out!
"So what I miss last session?"
"We got another orc to irk the racist tiefling."
"I'm up for anything, I have an m1 garand"
DM: so you look behind you and see this *DMS me a picture of some nightmare demon*
Me: smash
"Maybe he has the dungeon for conventional purposes."
"What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?"
Beacon of Hope would apply to Life Transference...by maximizing the self-damage you deal to yourself.
Tun your "Beacon of Hope" into a "Beacon of Masochism" today!
"Can I tell that the voice is off... I'm kinda an expert"
"I smash my face into this chaos crystal"
"the gods are tired of your shit, roll a d100, 98 to NOT do a death save"
"I'll make sure Umbra doesn't eat anyone."
“The party didn’t stay in budget.”
Paladin: "Talking to a rock, talking to a cow..what's the difference??"
“Ohh they’re assimilating into a beast… I see…”
Siris: So, you’re telling me that throughout all recorded history, there is a 98% success rate of old men warriors destroying entire armies alone?
SR-9: Yes. This is why we do not fuck with that man. *points to rickety old farmer wearing a straw hat and using a rake as a walking cane*
I am so glad I have another Out Of Context video to laugh at!
@14:24
Editor is a pedantic rules lawyer that missed the first bit on the description of events: BBEG takes damage from healing; they were casting life transference to damage THEMSELVES and "heal" the BBEG, thus harming them.
They're obviously casting it in such a way as to take the maximum amount of damage possible.
Another i remembered.
Elf Hunter: Quit being "sexual.harassment seminar" guy and manhandle those drugs like i asked.
Rogue: But i like being the sexual harassment seminar guy.
I got one:
We were facing a Zombie T-Rex and lost (Gargantuan undead enemy, what do ya do with no radiant attacks?). Upon traveling to the nearest village, a Giant's village, We made our way to the farmer to inquire about their stolen crops.
I asked "Anyone know any Vampires?" to the group as a stakeout joke.
The farmer near instantly exclaimed "How did you know our crops were stolen by Vampires?!"
I took the opportunity to stand there silently until the word "HUH?!" escaped my mouth.
"You're dodging a lot of tongues...." Our DM to your female Wizard in a fight against a bunch of Froghouls.
DM *Rolls* "22 to hit?"
Mothkin Wizard: I'll parry that and make it miss.
DM: Alright, you parry the tongue. (Same fight as above.)
Mothkin Wizard after a round of misses from Froghoul tongue attacks: No means No!
Oh I have one.
“GO TOUCH THE SPACE BUTTHOLE”
DM was giving us a sort of buff at first level for balance, and she put it in the form of us touching a little like void bubble and it granting us astral grace.
"Can i roll history to get a google search?"
"i came home back half drunk, and you are talking about furry dragons."
"Me and aziz don't need swearing privilege. We're just racist."
"Prepare thyself for an ass-kicking of biblical proportions! The only question will be who receives it!"
"Oh god, HE'S DODGING THE RIZZ."
"yeet the child."
"No, i can't really do that. It's not my child"
four that I have
1. me after watching an angel of Thor fly away to Valhalla, "That guy must be a dame Indian"
2. "You know, I am starting to think this Strad guy is not such a good guy"
3. Player "what do you mean the cops are trying to arrest me?", DM "You shot up a blockbuster"
4. "I am not saying the apocalypses is coming I am saying it is hear, holy book says so"
"Crab God"
"I go and bite him"
"I tie him up and bite him"
"I ask him if he knows the Muffin Man"
All I'm going to say is "the clown..."
my homebrew campaign and the players just did this sunday:
Barbarian: I've used the artifact to look through the illusion, what do I see
Me: the floating emerald is made of paper
Barbarian cuts a piece of the emerald, goes to the wizard, shoves the piece of emerald in his mouth (illusion made of paper) and goes: eat the rock, it's paper, that's the solution to the riddle
From a session I unfortunately missed:
(Out of character) "What's the damage of a flaming human corpse?"
Me, the DM: Alright, so the hamster's hacking the computer, give me an Intelligence check to see if you can get in to the files before the angels come back.
She won't answer me, Evo.
Why won't she answer me?
Me: "I'd like to make a Sleight of Door check."
"I don't think we should get a long rest. I'm taking a level of exhaustion."
"A level of exhaustion?"
"For sex."
"Oh bruh."
Quote from Just Roll With It: Apotheosis.
Bonus from the same scene:
"We had biblically-accurate androgynous sex."
Slightly elaborated, heard over a psychic link after losing sight of companions in a heist gone bad
"Ahhhhh"
"FIRE!"
"Mother, Father, Forgive me!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
Don't hug the dragon
"Why is your cloak alive"
*Monster jumps on Player Character's back*
*Player:* I roll over.
*Player proceeds to roll a Nat 20*
There are some things that even a veteran DM can't plan.
The honey-crocodile bear trap
*Just the Buddy Holly rift*
"This like a soap opera!" What kind of soap operas have you seen? 🤣 I wasn't aware there were NSFW soap operas.
im the dm for my most recent campaign,
the group was in a tavern (they were sheltering there temporarily), and one of my players found the cartographer, claimed he was “looking at me funny” and attempted to attack the cartographer. he rolled a nat 1, failed to attack the still-standing, unsuspecting, cartographer, and loose his shoe.
his character then looked up at him, and asked “yo, man, can i get my shoe back?”
by far my favorite random event.
DM: "Bojangles, say something Inspiring."
Bojangles: "Biscuit."
DM: "Congradulations, you just drowned a fish!"
Me: "Oh Mr. Captain! You look like you could use some heeeeelp!"
The Duregar Captain that was just trying to enslave us: "Are you GOING to help?"
DM: "What is the Fishman doing?"
Kuo Toa player: "Staring at the statue."
Later...
DM: "What is the Fishman doing?"
The same player: "Still staring at the Statue."
Me: "What's so great about your home city?"
The Derro NPC: "Well, for one, it's home to this really fat dragon named Themberchaud--"
Me: "We have to go to that city!"
Me: "I am a Sentient Blood Ooze that exanguinates bodies to grow bigger, you picked the WRONG party to play the Tragic Wendingo possessed character."
DM: "Bojangles, say something Inspiring."
Bojangles: "Chicken."
Me: "Rrrragh! That feels better!"
Stone Giant: "Oh, you're actually a person."
Ranger: "I put Barbra in a Jar. She's now Jarbra."
Ranger, a little later: "I scoop up some of the blood and put it in Jarbra."
DM: "She seems happy."
Ranger's Player, out of game: "You remember what happened last time you got a Decanter of Endless Water, right?"
Me: "If I remember correctly, I shot a Vampire Spawn off a wall to their death."
Yojin: "So he's bent over?"
GM: "Yup."
Yojin: "I lower my pike and drive forward."
Street Samurai: "Case your ammo and MOVE! Oh wait, you use Revolvers. Just MOVE, then!"
Wizard: "I cast shit yourself!"
Me: "Aww man, I forgot to add 2d6 for the crit..."
DM: "You've already doubled the Elder Brain's Hitpoints in one shot!"
Druid: "If you die I'm raising your corpse as a Zombie and sending it to the nearest Cleric for resurection."
Warlock: "Thank you, I appreciate that, really."
Bard: "IHATETIMETRAVELIHATETIMETRAVELIHATETIMETRAVELIHATETIMETRAVEL!"
DM: "So... what's yhe Fishman doing as the party fights the City Guards?"
Kuo Toa Player: "Sitting on the boat with his hat."