The past couple of days i have been asking my friends the question "have you learned something new or had an interesting thought recently?" Asking this question made it really interesting to listen, and it made the conversation flow. I got to see the more philosophical side of my friends. When being curious of what they think about things, they seemed more open to what I am thinking about aswell. So it's a win, win situation.
I'm a pretty good listener but I always tend to add my own experiences too much, not necessarily because I want to talk about myself but to establish a link between me and the person I'm talking to, at least that is my goal, but I often fear it's misunderstod and doesn't really contribute much at all.
pramitbanerjee So what? Your conclusion doesn't follow from the premise. It would be just as valid to assert the owl realized he was a Toyota Landrover. The owl's wisdom is that listening without making unwarranted assumptions or unsubstantiated assertions is a simple and effective method for acquiring information.
+Juan Enfermo Bastardo I had a dream I was a butterfly last night. Now I'm not sure if I'm a man dreaming he's a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming he's a man.
I tend to naturally fall into the listening position, probably due to patterns set in childhood. This is generally fine and I do enjoy listening to others. However, it took me a while to see how some people become greedy to be listened to and, although I may sense a sad desperation in them, I've had to learn when to stop offering an ear. It can deplete my own energy and rob me of time to focus on what I enjoy doing on my own.
I fall into more of an observation type. But im not going out of my way to do it. You hafta be consistently around me or pretty much a couple of ft away from me. Otherwise, Idrc. But ppl doing that back is different from the way I observe. Its like just bc I'm not looking at you doesnt mean Idk how hard ure staring. Wait let me make this more obvious. The f u looking at? And oof... I dont even try to listen to ppl sometimes. I try to find polite creative ways to cut them short... 😁
You can't be a good listener without being a good talker right after. You need the first and the second to qualify for being a good listener. Part of listening is being able to communicate what you've heard/learned back to the speak, in your own words.
Listening can make you the best friend the other person has ever had, but talking back about yourself at right intervals will make the other person your best friend. That's what i feel, so peace out and have a nice day. :)
Wow I can so relate to what you said. I've had many friends throughout my life who considered me there best friend because I listened to them. But I never truly viewed them as my best friends because they never listened to me.
It's good to be a listener but that feeling stops when you have no one to listen to you and people tend to look at you to talk about dumb stuff and then go.
I can relate too. But I learnt to be patient. Someone, somewhere in this world is willing to listen to your most profund thoughts. You are the proof of it. Be patient.
It really depends on your motivation. When im lonely i read books which are great substitute for social life you get to know someone on a deep level and you forget for couple hours your worries. To me not even some very good friends can do that as often as books can. What motivates me to listen to people is a fact that everyones dealing with alot of crap in life and that crap is reason they are crabby, and i feel like i want to make their burden easier. You dont have to fix their problems you only need to listen, you dont have to like the person to help them. World has a way of gettin you down with wars lack of love drugs human trafficking and injusticed paired with human inability to fell allright in their own skin constant worries over their financial well being and health. Listening to other people unload is showing humanity to them. And choosing to be social recluse is scientifically shown to bring harm to oneself so why not adjust to new social setting we all found ourselves to be living in.
I love this video. Being a good listener is something that's becoming more and more scarce. In a world where everything is so ego-driven and revolved around popularity and being the center of attention, its refreshing to see the unsung heroes get their share.
I always have been a listener my whole life but you know what a listner also need a listener too, i always felt like unsaid words are stabbing me but its alright I write it in my journal
Good listening is so important. One thing not mentioned here is the value of paraphrasing. If you're really trying to thoroughly understand someone (especially when discussing a complex or emotionally-charged topic), you'll likely need to carefully paraphrase and repeat back what they're saying to ensure success.
I've been told a couple of times within recent years that I'm a good listener. I realized right away that I like this quality so I've been trying to get better and better at it. No one ever really notices or practices this quality and I wish they did. I notice when people are good listeners and tend to stay away from really bad listeners because I can get frustrated in the long run. I think I was accidentally taught this quality through my dad who's also a good listener. When I think about it, all my favorite people are good listeners. If I'm at a party or meeting someone new I try to get them to talk about something their passionate about and then I'll egg them on. I also try not to judge people too hard on appearances because people can surprise you if you can learn to listen well.
i'm glad to know i already follow these when talking to people, esp. my friends. the #1 way to keep a conversation going and keep people interested is to ask good questions and be genuinely interested and engaged, worked for 5 straight hours of conversation on a girl i knew in passing, now we're good friends. probably should work on the speaking part, though... asking questions and finding yourself engrossed in their stories helps a lot when it comes to people who can talk for long periods of time about themselves, but the problem is that i don't find myself nearly as interesting as i find them
Coming across someone who genuinely listens to understand, or asks probing questions, or digs deeper and doesn’t respond with a “nice” and then focus back on themselves, is very very rare.
I am so glad. I didn't know this was a skill, I grew up liking to talk to people, getting invested to what they're saying. I also like to talk to people who doesn't seem to like me, whether they changed their opinion of me or not, I got to learn something from them.
+Mohamed Jamal I think it´s quite the opposite indeed, our fragile ego and the idea the world can't provide the affection and attention we desperately need make us hide behind the walls of a false sense of superiority. We become takers instead of givers.
+Trung Nguyen You are right, of course. The point we were trying to make was that books about being good at speaking, Like Cicero's on the orator, were hugely prominent in Western culture for centuries, while there were no comparably prominent books on listening well. Thanks for taking us up on this.
Good listeners are exceedingly rare. Most people are just waiting for you to shut up so they can say what they want to say. One of the most flattering things you can do to another person is to remove your ego entirely from the conversation and listen to them whole-heartedly and sincerely. When they have said their thing, don't jump in with your own opinion as soon as they pause for breath. Wait a few seconds to see if they have really finished making their point, and then ask them to elaborate or clarify. Keep them talking. I guarantee you, it's one sure way of getting people to like you. As Dale Carnegie wrote, people are far more interested in themselves than they are about you, and if you give them an opportunity to voice their thoughts and feelings, they will love you for it.
holy crap, i've been practicing and meditating on exactly this for the past couple months. I just had made a breakthrough with these thoughts on this days ago and bridged a couple of ideas together that unified the importance of communication and listening and how to practice this in societies. Then you guys release this video on exactly my thoughts lol. how funny, thank you.
I once had a friend who was such a good listener and it made me try my best to do the same. I think bad listeners, most people, often just haven't had a friend like that. This video is spot-on, I hope it opens people's eyes as much as my friend opened mine.
Here are some thoughts on how to improve our listening skills:-) 1. Evelyn Glennie is an incredible musician. She is one of the best percussion players in the world and she is deaf! She has an amazing TED Talk called " How to truly listen". It is about listening to music, but we could also apply to many of the things she says when we listen to each other. Like this one: " We have to listen to ourselves, first of all". It is so true...We must take some silent time everyday to see what's going on inside us. If you can't even listen to yourself, how can you ever pay attention to anybody else? I think the closer we get to ourselves, the closer we get to others too. I recommend everyone to use Alain's philosophical meditation for that silent time. ( Just watch their video Philosophical Meditation, and click on the link below to print the questions. They are extremely helpful! ) 2. The Budhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh has a book called " How to love". There he dedicates one chapter to :"Compassionate Listening". You can also watch a video on youtube where he explains it. This is what he says: "Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person. You can call it compassionate listening. You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her to empty his heart. Even if he says things that are full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable of continuing to listen with compassion. Because you know that listening like that, you give that person a chance to suffer less. If you want to help him to correct his perception, you wait for another time. For now, you don’t interrupt. You don’t argue. If you do, he loses his chance. You just listen with compassion and help him to suffer less. One hour like that can bring transformation and healing.” 3.. Existential psychiatrist Irvin Yalom wrote his latest book " Creatures of a day" when he was 80 years old. It means after listening to people's sorrow and pain for more than 50 years!!! And in that book he tells us that even for such an experienced psychiatrist as he is, "listening someone properly" is a very difficult task. Because as you are hearing the person in front of you, his words make you think about so many things you could say, but you should decide for the best option among them and for the best moment to say it, while still trying to focus on what he is telling you. My point is that if it is so difficult even for Yalom, than we must really see it as a skill we should learn and improve in the course of our entire lives. 4. I find listening to great interviews also very helpful. We all know how annoying it is when the host interrupts the guest all the time, just to ask a completely irrelevant question...Because he isn't paying attention at all! But if you want to listen to some great listeners I highly recommend you: Krista Tippet ( On Being Podcast) Robert Pollie ( The 7th Avenue Project Podcast) The Paul Holdengraber Show ( it's on youtube) 5. There is also a TED Talk called "10 ways to have a better conversation" by Celeste Headlee. I didn't agree with every point she mentioned, but I thought it still was a great speech. 6. This may sound very weirdo, but I care a lot about remembering the things people tell me and since I don't trust my memory, I write them down. If you want to build a profound friendship with someone you should keep track of his / her life too.We must also always deeply value the trust people have in us when they offer us their stories.
There is wisdom in listenng. I know a man whom some people consider a man full of widom. According to him he listens and was told that he's a good listener. He said that in the Bible Jesus said " from the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks", Luke 6:45; which means that whats in your heart will come out of your mouth the more you talk. According to another scripture in the Bible, it says that when we listen we gain understanding and knowledge, Proverbs 1:5, 14:15. He said its that simple. Listen. We have 2 ears and 1 mouth, which means we need to listen twice as much as we talk. One thing I notice by reading the book of Proverbs is that there is 3 things that are almost always in the same verses or same chapters: Wisdom, Knowledge, and Understanding. I realize that these work together and have a connection. To understand doesn't mean to agree. A wise mand seeks understanding. We can get understanding by paying attention and listening. Once you have understanding you can affectively apply wisdom. He said that its not so much that he's this wise guy; its just that he gets understanding and learn where a persons heart at by listening to them talk, and then give good advice.
Such a simple activity that creates healthy relationships. Another way to think about it - listening inspires curiosity that opens the door for creativity and experience.
"Sadly no one has ever written a book called 'The Listener'"... I was expecting this to turn into another advert for 'The Listener' book you had written, I have trust issues after your last video.
+Alex Howell Do all adverts have to be bad though? Is it breaking your trust if someone is trying to bring to your notice a good book someone has written? I think you should appreciate and encourage the good work they are doing and not nitpick about things that hardly matter.
+Alex Howell Alex please, this is a terribly unfair and ungrateful thing to say! Long before this channel existed Alain wrote one bestseller after another ( you can google his name to find the " evidence" ) Obviously you don't need to build up a youtube channel, write the texts for hundreds of lessons, pay a FORTUNE to filmmakers all around the world to turn them into little films, so that finally, finally, finally you can post an advert for your new book for it to sell better?? It sounds worst than a conspiracy theory! Besides, if you really believe that you have something very valuable to offer to people, that can change their lives, you really would want to bring it to as many people as you can. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Let us also remember that we have received more than 300 films here for free, we have "The Book of Life" for free and all of Alain's documentaries are on youtube for free. Where do they supposed to get the money to keep everything going? Didn't you ever want to offer something back? I also wonder if you ever said " thank you" for all this. Did you?
Funny, but when I try these techniques I get criticized for being nosy, overly analytical, and judgemental. (I think the judgemental comment stems from the egotistical position that people don't like their ideas and beliefs questioned.) My experience on this topic makes me think that people don't like good "listeners", but what they really like are good agreers. "Yes, Miss Jones, that's really a splendid idea. I'm not sure why he doesn't agree with you. I guess he's not a good 'listener'."
Exactly, same happens to me all the time. I try to show my friends that I really care about their thoughts and likes, but they assume I just want to be nosey.
Yeah, same happens with me but just with the agreeing part. Just because I think sometimes my friends are wrong about a tiny thing doesn't mean i am being hostile or that I don't really like them. I guess it is best to sometimes just be a good agree-er instead :/
Which if you think about is weird, because we're told (or at least I've been told) that true friends will tell you want you need to hear, and not just want you want to hear. Maybe people don't really want good friends?
You probably need to be more casual and friendly in your manner and/or subtly mirror their body language and tone of voice. People generally do want a sense of being understood more than being agreed with. When you're truly listening whether you agree becomes irrelevant as the exercise is more just understanding what is being conveyed and assuring the speaker, mostly non-verbally, that you sincerely understand what is meant.
+mercerdamon I assume you mean the majority, and not everybody. On that assumption I agree with the concept, and I'm aware that body language modeling can set the speakers mind at ease. I'm sure this is a technique some model better than others. lt seems to me that the percentage of people that I can grasp the nuances of communication is smaller than the general populace in my current culture. I'm not living where I grew up, I don't have a lot of association with people my age, and there aren't many people in my area that share my experiences. These factors seem to impact communication.
Not only a roadmap to listening to others, but also to listening to ourselves (the way our minds think) and finding out where our thoughts, feelings and beliefs are coming from.
I actuallly...do most of that already! The only problem is that I myself get bored after a while (I can only sympathize, not really solve your problems or give crazy good advice, duh) and the other party only gets more comfortable and keeps on talking, and talking, and talking........
+Lys A I can sympathize. I have this problem too. I am tired of listening to the words of other people, they feel like poison sometimes. Dull, absolutely pointless, boring conversation where I feel like i'm talking to a moron. But I listen anyway. Death by a thousand words as they say.
Yeah I actually have a problem like this. I don't get bored when I talk to people, on the contrary, I love hearing them talk and share stories of their lives, but I find it uncomfortable when I try to speak or share a thought and they just deny it and start talking about themselves again. I feel like being a good listener is a blessing and a curse, I get a lot out of people's minds and ideas and experiences, but rarely share my own, cause good listeners are hard to find
+Vinícius Chaves Indeed! You simply get demotivated to speak up in the first place...I also like to hear people out, but after hours and hours of redundant talks it just gets frustrating :/
+Lys A I too have the same problem especially here in hawaii, you wind people up with a simple how are you then you gotta cancel half your day's plans! But I still love being a great listener and learning from everybody's experiences no matter the age.
This is really great. Growing up I was always shut down when I spoke, and the feeling that I need to be quite all the time has carried on into adulthood. I have such trouble keeping up just a simple conversation, but I find that mindfulness helps. When I'm really invested in the moment, I find I think deeper about what the person is saying and thus have a deeper response. It's hard to work on but I'm getting there. This video provides great perspective as well :)
I remember when this video came out. It was one of the greatest gifts, but also a curse. It really changed my life, turned my into a wonderful person, and I dare say that I love myself because of this channel. But this video, also made me realise that, while I'm great at listening, no one will listen to me, which leads me to feel, no one cares enough about me to listen. Even though I know that isn't the case, it takes a toll on me sometimes.
I hope School of Life listens to this: Seriously do this if you haven't already: TAKE AN IMPROV COMEDY CLASS. It's all about listening to one another and having faith that your partners will take care of you during a scene and give you great comedic ideas.. and etc etc etc.. take a few classes.. and make a new video about listening and improv..
+The School of Life Dude why do you keep saying "it's not because we're evil" like not listening or really anything you usually discuss comes even close to making us evil its like your trying to plant a seed _i'm not saying your evil if you dont do this but ..._
+Ghost Emblem they say "not because evil" because many people may not be very understanding of those who are bad listeners, that's why they give some common reasons people might not be good at listening (they aren't trying to imply bad listeners are evil)
+Ghost Emblem That is an interesting interpretation. In my mind he uses the word evil as a placeholder for all of the millions of reason people might not listen so that the video is not dragged out. Instead of saying 'not because we have no time, not in the right mood etc'. Its like an exaggeration I guess.
No thanks. You end up being everyones unpaid therapist and learn about their insecurities and skelletons in their closet before you learn about their endearing qualities. And sometimes people feel embarassed about the things they told you about themselves and become very distant. Or you take your distance because you feel embarassed about all the stuff you know about them.
+thijsjong Fair enough. We didn't mean to suggest that being a good listener is without occasional potential drawbacks. We were mainly trying to focus on the experience of enjoying being listened to well - and exploring what's going on when that happens. Sorry if we didn't make that clear.
I find this the best part about listening. if these people ever stab you in the back, you have a treasure chest of dirt to throw their way. it's a good method to control people
John Armstrong Everything in moderation. It is up to the person who divulges his/her story to not put to much on a person. And the listener to put limits to how far they want to hear it. It seems there are to few people who listen well. So when someone encounters a good listener he/she gets a truckload of emotionally laden information dumped on him/her.
I didn’t realize why I have the bad and annoying habit of interrupting. No matter hard I try and how acutely aware I am of the flaw I can not seem to help myself especially in disagreements. Could it be that I was not listened to as a young child. That statement is certainly soothing I will ponder and perhaps help me get better listening rather than interrupting. Thank you
rumis masnawis first word is listen and there are so many ancient commentaries articles and booklets dedicated to explain importance of listening because of this beginning..
+Aik My thing isn't all that exciting, and most of the time not as well spoken as some of the people I listen to. Your thing sounds cool though if you feel the desire to speak about it.
Absolutely love the School of Life. Gives me hope with an understanding that there are people out there who like to dig deep and understand, rather than to just be pulled along in the complex waves that are emotions. Much love and appreciation for the job you people are doing.
I'm 15 and i'm a listener it kinda sucks because no one will listen to me even my parents often give vague answer like "believe in god" even thought I told them i'm atheist -_- no one believes that we humans are a little fucked up inside. Actually, children in my age, criticize from status and image only I cant imagine what would happen if I open my heart to someone, heck even my best friend never listens. I just want to help but it's extremely one-sided :(
I feel you, that happens to me a lot and it's such a shame. People who like to listen are hard to find. Most of the people just keep on speaking their minds or don't even care about having conversations, just wait their turn to speak.
+Semra “S” Rem Your conversation is too valuable to be wasted on those who do not return some of the same treatment. Just don't talk, but the social effects of that may be too taxing for a 15 year old girl. Don't try to take responsibilities of other's shortcomings.
try finding better friends or better topics. If the conversation is mutually enjoyed then both sides will listen and speak. If you are a good listener then you should have a knowledge depth deeper than most but read a book on a subject that particularly interested them. Then you aren't out if your depth in the subjects your having your conversation about and won't have to fall back on the crutch of just listening.
+Semra “S” Rem Hey Semra, I know how you feel and it's not an easy thing to be going through especially at your age, but knowing one is not alone in ones sentiments makes enduring hard times infinitely easier. I suggest you check the INFJ personality type profile on "celebritytypes . com", as I have the feeling that might resonate with you and help understand yourself a bit better.
Akira Potatoe you have to learn to listen by actually being interested in them and not yourself , what’s more important is getting to know the other person, not forcing them to get to know you, in time they will ask about you and this will form a relationship
I am a very quiet person, but I love listening and teasing out all the details in someone's story. It's always amusing/satisfying to me that people never notice I am a quiet person because the people I'm with are the ones doing all the talking.
+gustavo pena Hello. If you search on Itunes for " A point of view BBC Alain de Botton", you can find some podcasts. There is also a Pinguin podcast about his new book. You can also watch all the documentaries he posted on his other youtube channel. Just search for Status Anxiety, you will find the channel.
I believe that it is very important to be a good listener. Everyone has the ability to listen. It's not too hard to try and understand what someone is saying when speaking to you. I find the part in the video about knowing that disagreements aren't always a form of hostility. Too many people are afraid of disagreements, people see them as a bad thing. Good listeners will know that there will always be things that you will not agree on with others. You will have disagreements with even the closest people in your life.
Bad listeners/incessant speakers are truly pitiful creatures. I may not explicitly tell such a person that I'm not listening, but I give zero eye-contact, zero backchanneling, and yet they go on and on and on. What. the. fuck.
+TheGerogero Some people are never listened to at all, but people have a drive to express themselves and be heard, so these people unload on anyone who will stay around them. The people I know like this are often socially anxious. There's also the kind of person that has to be the centre of attention all the time and seems to assume that everyone is interested in them. Both types are often hard to listen to and make uncomfortable, but I don't think they need derision and pity, I think they need empathy and understanding. We don't know why they won't shut up and hold us captive, we can only make assumptions.
+findtheearth I think they need to sit down and think about how much of a prat they are lol. Or I should have the courage to tell them (gently and with empathy, sure) that they are being a prat...
the views in this video are excellent . I will listen to this on a daily basis just to ensure I will learn how to listen. I believe it will help me personally as well as professionally. thanks for posting this!
i'm not sure if i'm a good listener, but i try. i remember when i talked to my friend i just asked him "how and why", then he replied and i unbelievable, he made a quite long conversation.
When I heard the phrase "no one has ever written a book..." it triggered a memory of just how useful the book "Getting to Yes" was for helping me be a better listener. Another good food for thought video from School of Life.
+Xeno I think that's pretty fine. It's fairly unrealistic to expect absolute no judgement from people. I believe as long as you are carefully listening and analyzing what you hear, as a result you do naturally judge it. It's just important how you 'express' that judgement to the one talking.
+Xeno And, adding to what Laya A said, being very aware that you have your own judge-worthy qualities/flaws makes you more careful about judging others too quickly.
+Xeno Can you give me a realistic example where judging is a bad thing? I always judge, however maybe I'm miss-translating the meaning of judging. I share my opinions on people's stories, I can't imagine talking to a person without adding to the discussion.
Laya A While it's true that I listen carefully, analyze and connect what is being said with past things, I express my judgement by interrupting the talker xD
Damn, and here I thought I simply didn't like the small talk that everyone else seems to love to drone on about, but really I'm a good listener (to a variable degree) by wanting to understand more about a person and seek introspective interpersonal knowledge over small talk as well as helping others as much as I am able. I always beat myself up about it, but I've always felt conversations should be a two-way street and never shallow. Sure, I've got some lister-levelling-up to do, but this really validated that I have all that natural characteristics for it, I just need to get better with how I go about it. Thanks, The School of Life!
I'm so grateful for this channel, and to be honest, though life should be viewed skeptically, I have begun to trust whatever you post as the mere truth and nothing else.
This is sooo important and makes other people more enjoyable for you when you're a good listener. Sometimes i need to hear other peoples worlds to get out of my own. Getting too wrapped up in your own game can really bog it down i feel.
I was having trouble with not being able to speak my mind enough, but this video really opened my eyes! Thank you! I hope to make the best of my listening skills! Again, thank you so much!
I've come to notice while watching these videos that overall, I am a pretty healthy minded person. I love myself, and ive known before ever having to have been told that when one person lashes out at another it is their own insecurities taking the form of harsh words and judgements. i've also had a few things that were wrong with me come to my attention that I feel I always knew but had never really been able to put into words. now that I have become consciously aware of them, I can actively work on them. I wish that everyone could be shown these videos so they could know that they are not alone in their aloneness and that everyone is hurting in some way or another. although I've also come to the realization that a lot of people don't want to learn why they lash out and hurt each other. because I believe that like myself, they are already (maybe unconsciously) aware of why they behave the way they do but can't bear to admit it to themselves or have others know of their weaknesses.
In the cycle of Good communication 70-80% of the time spent goes to listening with an open mind n heart! The mind is like a parachute it serves well when it’s open! K
this particular video could sort out most of my doubts as to why people choose to stay in a company of a good listener rather than the one who speaks well
This emphasizes "listening" in terms of saying things. That said, point 3 and 4 is very critical. I would like to see more material on **listening** not speaking to beseech feelings from others or continued monologuing
I’ve been a really bad listener throughout my life. I always talk over people but I never understood. That’s why it’s hard for me to listen. It’s one of my biggest problems but thank you for putting this video up as I just didn’t understand and sometimes I don’t like what I hear, but I have to put up with it so thanks
I've always wondered what about me encouraged people to go on and on forever. Even when I'm annoyed, I just smile and nod and they keep going lol. With that said, I've hardly been a good listener. I heard the words coming out of their mouths but I rarely empathized, thought about, or showed interest in people's personal lives when they talked about it. People always tell me I'm good to talk to but they're don't realize they're not talking to me, they're talking to a wall that has my face. Hopefully I'm working towards changing that. People are interesting after all. We all have our unique stories and experiences that are worth telling, whether small or big. Listening can be just as enjoyable as talking.
Love this video, i try to live these values whenever I can during conversations. The thing most people get stuck up on now days is they don't listen, but wait for their turn to talk.
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We no longer listen to understand, but rather to reply.
Deep.
it is indeed what makes me often stop, while in a conversation, and think for a moment..
yeah because we now just want to talk to ppl to talk since with all our stuff and tech we don't need to talk to ppl too much anymore
+forest leopard (fansailer) pretty sound hypothesis, I should tell you my friend..
thx i have had friends that i knew in person block me since i typed too much and they stoped talking to me offline aswell...
I tried all these tips when I hung out with a friend, she later told me it was a satisfying conversation. Thank you very much! I subscribed!
I needed to play it a second time, I wasn't listening. baa dum tiss
+Cameron Murphy Lol I had to do the same thing.
nice joke
LoL
+Cameron Murphy me too
i couldn't hear you over your drum kit
i can't express my love for the school of life with words
You just did
+joedotx | like how u seperated his channel name with > |
I'm attuned to that brah"
+joedotx | lol, no prob.
XP
Interpretive dance works for me.
Make a reassuring sound like mmmm
The past couple of days i have been asking my friends the question "have you learned something new or had an interesting thought recently?" Asking this question made it really interesting to listen, and it made the conversation flow. I got to see the more philosophical side of my friends. When being curious of what they think about things, they seemed more open to what I am thinking about aswell. So it's a win, win situation.
I like that
I'm using that. Thank you :)
The good listener:
1. They egg us on.
2. They urge clarification.
3. They don't moralise.
4. They separate disagreement from criticism.
you saved this university student's time. thank you kind stranger.
this comment is against the entire purpose of this video LMAO
Our teacher set us some questions about this video. This is the answer to the last question. You saved a lot of my time. Thank you :)
mam is asking right now 😂
your points just made my impression right now
Im listenin, go on..
L
+Disabler It all REALLY started way back, in 1964.
***** i wanna know everything!
I'm a pretty good listener but I always tend to add my own experiences too much, not necessarily because I want to talk about myself but to establish a link between me and the person I'm talking to, at least that is my goal, but I often fear it's misunderstod and doesn't really contribute much at all.
Yeah I have that problem too. I inadvertently tune out the person I am speaking to and don't absorb everything they say.
It doesn't
Same. I don’t like it about myself and it gives me anxiety later. Like dang I could’ve just shut up and not made it about me 😶
Yeah! I acidentally do that so they won't feel alone in their struggles but it gets mistaken for me trying to make it about myself
"Can Music save Your Mortal Soul ruclips.net/video/-uexjy4sWu4/видео.html..".
A wise old owl sat in an oak.
The more he listened the less he spoke.
The less he spoke, the more he heard.
Now wasn't that a wise old bird!
pramitbanerjee
And why would the owl "realize" that?
pramitbanerjee
So what?
Your conclusion doesn't follow from the premise.
It would be just as valid to assert the owl realized he was a Toyota Landrover.
The owl's wisdom is that listening without making unwarranted assumptions or unsubstantiated assertions is a simple and effective method for acquiring information.
pramitbanerjee
How do you know what the owl is thinking?
Juan Enfermo Bastardo because, surprise surprise, i'm the owl myself
+Juan Enfermo Bastardo I had a dream I was a butterfly last night. Now I'm not sure if I'm a man dreaming he's a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming he's a man.
I tend to naturally fall into the listening position, probably due to patterns set in childhood. This is generally fine and I do enjoy listening to others. However, it took me a while to see how some people become greedy to be listened to and, although I may sense a sad desperation in them, I've had to learn when to stop offering an ear. It can deplete my own energy and rob me of time to focus on what I enjoy doing on my own.
I fall into more of an observation type. But im not going out of my way to do it. You hafta be consistently around me or pretty much a couple of ft away from me. Otherwise, Idrc. But ppl doing that back is different from the way I observe. Its like just bc I'm not looking at you doesnt mean Idk how hard ure staring. Wait let me make this more obvious. The f u looking at? And oof... I dont even try to listen to ppl sometimes. I try to find polite creative ways to cut them short... 😁
You can't be a good listener without being a good talker right after. You need the first and the second to qualify for being a good listener. Part of listening is being able to communicate what you've heard/learned back to the speak, in your own words.
"The Key to a good society"
that is the most stone cold true statement I've heard in a very long time.
Listening can make you the best friend the other person has ever had, but talking back about yourself at right intervals will make the other person your best friend. That's what i feel, so peace out and have a nice day. :)
Wow I can so relate to what you said. I've had many friends throughout my life who considered me there best friend because I listened to them. But I never truly viewed them as my best friends because they never listened to me.
Your comment made me realize that thoughts, if written, can transcend time.
"Can Music save Your Mortal Soul ruclips.net/video/-uexjy4sWu4/видео.html..".
It's good to be a listener but that feeling stops when you have no one to listen to you and people tend to look at you to talk about dumb stuff and then go.
pazu tae this gets really frustrating!
I can relate with your comment.
I can relate too. But I learnt to be patient. Someone, somewhere in this world is willing to listen to your most profund thoughts. You are the proof of it. Be patient.
It really depends on your motivation. When im lonely i read books which are great substitute for social life you get to know someone on a deep level and you forget for couple hours your worries. To me not even some very good friends can do that as often as books can. What motivates me to listen to people is a fact that everyones dealing with alot of crap in life and that crap is reason they are crabby, and i feel like i want to make their burden easier. You dont have to fix their problems you only need to listen, you dont have to like the person to help them. World has a way of gettin you down with wars lack of love drugs human trafficking and injusticed paired with human inability to fell allright in their own skin constant worries over their financial well being and health. Listening to other people unload is showing humanity to them. And choosing to be social recluse is scientifically shown to bring harm to oneself so why not adjust to new social setting we all found ourselves to be living in.
i can relate with your
comment too
I think this is one of your most important and most desperately needed films to date.
I love listening to people. Understanding and connecting how make the person who they are is seriously an art
This is one of the most important channels. I wish it had millions of viewers
I love this video.
Being a good listener is something that's becoming more and more scarce.
In a world where everything is so ego-driven and revolved around popularity and being the center of attention, its refreshing to see the unsung heroes get their share.
I always have been a listener my whole life but you know what a listner also need a listener too, i always felt like unsaid words are stabbing me but its alright I write it in my journal
Good listening is so important. One thing not mentioned here is the value of paraphrasing. If you're really trying to thoroughly understand someone (especially when discussing a complex or emotionally-charged topic), you'll likely need to carefully paraphrase and repeat back what they're saying to ensure success.
I've been told a couple of times within recent years that I'm a good listener. I realized right away that I like this quality so I've been trying to get better and better at it. No one ever really notices or practices this quality and I wish they did. I notice when people are good listeners and tend to stay away from really bad listeners because I can get frustrated in the long run. I think I was accidentally taught this quality through my dad who's also a good listener. When I think about it, all my favorite people are good listeners.
If I'm at a party or meeting someone new I try to get them to talk about something their passionate about and then I'll egg them on. I also try not to judge people too hard on appearances because people can surprise you if you can learn to listen well.
+VirgoCarnation I've also been told that I am a good listener... At least that's what I think the said!
Listening leads to understanding, understanding leads to good communication which promotes discovery of our human nature
i'm glad to know i already follow these when talking to people, esp. my friends. the #1 way to keep a conversation going and keep people interested is to ask good questions and be genuinely interested and engaged, worked for 5 straight hours of conversation on a girl i knew in passing, now we're good friends.
probably should work on the speaking part, though... asking questions and finding yourself engrossed in their stories helps a lot when it comes to people who can talk for long periods of time about themselves, but the problem is that i don't find myself nearly as interesting as i find them
How to Win Friends and Influence People is a great read if you want to learn how to listen.
I remember when I first became aware of the act of listening deeply. It's been extremely nourishing for my life.
Coming across someone who genuinely listens to understand, or asks probing questions, or digs deeper and doesn’t respond with a “nice” and then focus back on themselves, is very very rare.
First step in making a video about listening: Put the narrator with the smoothest voice. It's already working
I am so glad. I didn't know this was a skill, I grew up liking to talk to people, getting invested to what they're saying. I also like to talk to people who doesn't seem to like me, whether they changed their opinion of me or not, I got to learn something from them.
I was a good listener of your lectures, can you hand me a medal?
www.theschooloflife.com/shop/emotionally-intelligent-pin-badge/
Nic
Thanks for teaching us how to be better people, School of Life.
bad listeners are controlled by their delusion of greatness they a have a massive ego
Narcissism and "god -complex"
+Mohamed Jamal I think it´s quite the opposite indeed, our fragile ego and the idea the world can't provide the affection and attention we desperately need make us hide behind the walls of a false sense of superiority. We become takers instead of givers.
+Maurizio Viera yess
+Mohamed Jamal is controlled by generalization bias.
+Mohamed Jamal well said
Awww, my favorite so far...we are listening "School of Life"!
I googled to see if there was a book called "The Listener". There are.
+Trung Nguyen Same
+Trung Nguyen Shots fired!
Roasted
U mean self-help cheap books or real philosophy books?
+Trung Nguyen You are right, of course. The point we were trying to make was that books about being good at speaking, Like Cicero's on the orator, were hugely prominent in Western culture for centuries, while there were no comparably prominent books on listening well. Thanks for taking us up on this.
I recommend reading Dale Carnegie's 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'. Beautiful!
Added to my list of self-development videos.
Good listeners are exceedingly rare. Most people are just waiting for you to shut up so they can say what they want to say. One of the most flattering things you can do to another person is to remove your ego entirely from the conversation and listen to them whole-heartedly and sincerely. When they have said their thing, don't jump in with your own opinion as soon as they pause for breath. Wait a few seconds to see if they have really finished making their point, and then ask them to elaborate or clarify. Keep them talking. I guarantee you, it's one sure way of getting people to like you. As Dale Carnegie wrote, people are far more interested in themselves than they are about you, and if you give them an opportunity to voice their thoughts and feelings, they will love you for it.
holy crap, i've been practicing and meditating on exactly this for the past couple months. I just had made a breakthrough with these thoughts on this days ago and bridged a couple of ideas together that unified the importance of communication and listening and how to practice this in societies. Then you guys release this video on exactly my thoughts lol. how funny, thank you.
I once had a friend who was such a good listener and it made me try my best to do the same. I think bad listeners, most people, often just haven't had a friend like that. This video is spot-on, I hope it opens people's eyes as much as my friend opened mine.
Here are some thoughts on how to improve our listening skills:-)
1. Evelyn Glennie is an incredible musician. She is one of the best percussion players in the world and she is deaf! She has an amazing TED Talk called " How to truly listen". It is about listening to music, but we could also apply to many of the things she says when we listen to each other. Like this one:
" We have to listen to ourselves, first of all".
It is so true...We must take some silent time everyday to see what's going on inside us. If you can't even listen to yourself, how can you ever pay attention to anybody else? I think the closer we get to ourselves, the closer we get to others too. I recommend everyone to use Alain's philosophical meditation for that silent time. ( Just watch their video Philosophical Meditation, and click on the link below to print the questions. They are extremely helpful! )
2. The Budhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh has a book called " How to love". There he dedicates one chapter to :"Compassionate Listening". You can also watch a video on youtube where he explains it. This is what he says:
"Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person. You can call it compassionate listening. You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her to empty his heart. Even if he says things that are full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable of continuing to listen with compassion. Because you know that listening like that, you give that person a chance to suffer less. If you want to help him to correct his perception, you wait for another time. For now, you don’t interrupt. You don’t argue. If you do, he loses his chance. You just listen with compassion and help him to suffer less. One hour like that can bring transformation and healing.”
3.. Existential psychiatrist Irvin Yalom wrote his latest book " Creatures of a day" when he was 80 years old. It means after listening to people's sorrow and pain for more than 50 years!!! And in that book he tells us that even for such an experienced psychiatrist as he is, "listening someone properly" is a very difficult task. Because as you are hearing the person in front of you, his words make you think about so many things you could say, but you should decide for the best option among them and for the best moment to say it, while still trying to focus on what he is telling you.
My point is that if it is so difficult even for Yalom, than we must really see it as a skill we should learn and improve in the course of our entire lives.
4. I find listening to great interviews also very helpful. We all know how annoying it is when the host interrupts the guest all the time, just to ask a completely irrelevant question...Because he isn't paying attention at all! But if you want to listen to some great listeners I highly recommend you:
Krista Tippet ( On Being Podcast)
Robert Pollie ( The 7th Avenue Project Podcast)
The Paul Holdengraber Show ( it's on youtube)
5. There is also a TED Talk called "10 ways to have a better conversation" by Celeste Headlee. I didn't agree with every point she mentioned, but I thought it still was a great speech.
6. This may sound very weirdo, but I care a lot about remembering the things people tell me and since I don't trust my memory, I write them down. If you want to build a profound friendship with someone you should keep track of his / her life too.We must also always deeply value the trust people have in us when they offer us their stories.
+Lua Veli Can I just say your comments are always so helpful and enlightening. Thank you :)
+Che Applewhaite
Hello there! Thank you so much for reading and for your reply. Best wishes:-)
+Davide Reno
Molto grazie Davide! Un baccio:-)
Thank you so much
There is wisdom in listenng. I know a man whom some people consider a man full of widom. According to him he listens and was told that he's a good listener. He said that in the Bible Jesus said " from the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks", Luke 6:45; which means that whats in your heart will come out of your mouth the more you talk. According to another scripture in the Bible, it says that when we listen we gain understanding and knowledge, Proverbs 1:5, 14:15. He said its that simple. Listen. We have 2 ears and 1 mouth, which means we need to listen twice as much as we talk. One thing I notice by reading the book of Proverbs is that there is 3 things that are almost always in the same verses or same chapters: Wisdom, Knowledge, and Understanding. I realize that these work together and have a connection. To understand doesn't mean to agree. A wise mand seeks understanding. We can get understanding by paying attention and listening. Once you have understanding you can affectively apply wisdom. He said that its not so much that he's this wise guy; its just that he gets understanding and learn where a persons heart at by listening to them talk, and then give good advice.
Hate when you listen to someone give them advice and when it’s your turn they butt in and make it about themselves again
Such a simple activity that creates healthy relationships. Another way to think about it - listening inspires curiosity that opens the door for creativity and experience.
This channel is just awesome, topics you touch upon are really unique and helpful in the life.
The School of Life’s comment section is one of the best, if not the best, on RUclips. So much enlightenment!
It reminded me of The Catcher in the Rye and how Holden yearned to be listened to.
Awww. I love that.. reminds me of a friend who's a great listener. Makes you wanna strive to be the best listener you can be!
"Can Music save Your Mortal Soul ruclips.net/video/-uexjy4sWu4/видео.html..".
"Sadly no one has ever written a book called 'The Listener'"... I was expecting this to turn into another advert for 'The Listener' book you had written, I have trust issues after your last video.
lol
+Ali Awad There is also a great book called "Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone". I'll look up that one, thanks!
+Alex Howell Do all adverts have to be bad though? Is it breaking your trust if someone is trying to bring to your notice a good book someone has written? I think you should appreciate and encourage the good work they are doing and not nitpick about things that hardly matter.
+Alex Howell
Alex please, this is a terribly unfair and ungrateful thing to say! Long before this channel existed Alain wrote one bestseller after another ( you can google his name to find the " evidence" ) Obviously you don't need to build up a youtube channel, write the texts for hundreds of lessons, pay a FORTUNE to filmmakers all around the world to turn them into little films, so that finally, finally, finally you can post an advert for your new book for it to sell better?? It sounds worst than a conspiracy theory!
Besides, if you really believe that you have something very valuable to offer to people, that can change their lives, you really would want to bring it to as many people as you can. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Let us also remember that we have received more than 300 films here for free, we have "The Book of Life" for free and all of Alain's documentaries are on youtube for free. Where do they supposed to get the money to keep everything going? Didn't you ever want to offer something back?
I also wonder if you ever said " thank you" for all this. Did you?
+Alex Howell There isn't, so I hope your trust has been regained. (Y)
The Swedish speaker Annika Telléus book - The art of listening (only in Swedish yet) is brilliant on the subject!
Funny, but when I try these techniques I get criticized for being nosy, overly analytical, and judgemental. (I think the judgemental comment stems from the egotistical position that people don't like their ideas and beliefs questioned.) My experience on this topic makes me think that people don't like good "listeners", but what they really like are good agreers. "Yes, Miss Jones, that's really a splendid idea. I'm not sure why he doesn't agree with you. I guess he's not a good 'listener'."
Exactly, same happens to me all the time. I try to show my friends that I really care about their thoughts and likes, but they assume I just want to be nosey.
Yeah, same happens with me but just with the agreeing part. Just because I think sometimes my friends are wrong about a tiny thing doesn't mean i am being hostile or that I don't really like them. I guess it is best to sometimes just be a good agree-er instead :/
Which if you think about is weird, because we're told (or at least I've been told) that true friends will tell you want you need to hear, and not just want you want to hear. Maybe people don't really want good friends?
You probably need to be more casual and friendly in your manner and/or subtly mirror their body language and tone of voice. People generally do want a sense of being understood more than being agreed with. When you're truly listening whether you agree becomes irrelevant as the exercise is more just understanding what is being conveyed and assuring the speaker, mostly non-verbally, that you sincerely understand what is meant.
+mercerdamon I assume you mean the majority, and not everybody. On that assumption I agree with the concept, and I'm aware that body language modeling can set the speakers mind at ease. I'm sure this is a technique some model better than others. lt seems to me that the percentage of people that I can grasp the nuances of communication is smaller than the general populace in my current culture. I'm not living where I grew up, I don't have a lot of association with people my age, and there aren't many people in my area that share my experiences. These factors seem to impact communication.
Not only a roadmap to listening to others, but also to listening to ourselves (the way our minds think) and finding out where our thoughts, feelings and beliefs are coming from.
I actuallly...do most of that already! The only problem is that I myself get bored after a while (I can only sympathize, not really solve your problems or give crazy good advice, duh) and the other party only gets more comfortable and keeps on talking, and talking, and talking........
+Lys A I can sympathize. I have this problem too. I am tired of listening to the words of other people, they feel like poison sometimes. Dull, absolutely pointless, boring conversation where I feel like i'm talking to a moron. But I listen anyway. Death by a thousand words as they say.
Yeah I actually have a problem like this. I don't get bored when I talk to people, on the contrary, I love hearing them talk and share stories of their lives, but I find it uncomfortable when I try to speak or share a thought and they just deny it and start talking about themselves again.
I feel like being a good listener is a blessing and a curse, I get a lot out of people's minds and ideas and experiences, but rarely share my own, cause good listeners are hard to find
+Vinícius Chaves Indeed! You simply get demotivated to speak up in the first place...I also like to hear people out, but after hours and hours of redundant talks it just gets frustrating :/
+Lys A I too have the same problem especially here in hawaii, you wind people up with a simple how are you then you gotta cancel half your day's plans! But I still love being a great listener and learning from everybody's experiences no matter the age.
Jerry Ayala That's really nice of you! You must have the patience of a saint!!
When you speak, you're just repeating what you have learned but when you listen, you gain new information.
I'm a good listener, but I don't really give a fuck about what people have to say lol.
same here. but i remember everything they say 😂 and i became a damn therapist and problem solver
then, you are not a good listener by the standards of the video
+LazyElectron
+Kewl, I wish I have that kind of ability. ):
This is really great. Growing up I was always shut down when I spoke, and the feeling that I need to be quite all the time has carried on into adulthood. I have such trouble keeping up just a simple conversation, but I find that mindfulness helps. When I'm really invested in the moment, I find I think deeper about what the person is saying and thus have a deeper response. It's hard to work on but I'm getting there. This video provides great perspective as well :)
Please do a video on dank memes
Yes, I agree. What's their philosophy?
+Peter Hautelman HAHHAHHA ^^^^ !!!!
its nice you watch this at such a young age, but keep these suggestions miles away from this side of yt please.
+Check my mixtape bruh its a comment section on the internet, let people say what they want
+Check my mixtape bruh Your picture looks like a baby and your username is "Check my mixtape bruh:
I remember when this video came out. It was one of the greatest gifts, but also a curse. It really changed my life, turned my into a wonderful person, and I dare say that I love myself because of this channel. But this video, also made me realise that, while I'm great at listening, no one will listen to me, which leads me to feel, no one cares enough about me to listen. Even though I know that isn't the case, it takes a toll on me sometimes.
I hope School of Life listens to this: Seriously do this if you haven't already: TAKE AN IMPROV COMEDY CLASS. It's all about listening to one another and having faith that your partners will take care of you during a scene and give you great comedic ideas.. and etc etc etc.. take a few classes.. and make a new video about listening and improv..
+The School of Life Dude why do you keep saying "it's not because we're evil" like not listening or really anything you usually discuss comes even close to making us evil its like your trying to plant a seed _i'm not saying your evil if you dont do this but ..._
+Ghost Emblem they say "not because evil" because many people may not be very understanding of those who are bad listeners, that's why they give some common reasons people might not be good at listening (they aren't trying to imply bad listeners are evil)
+Ghost Emblem That is an interesting interpretation. In my mind he uses the word evil as a placeholder for all of the millions of reason people might not listen so that the video is not dragged out. Instead of saying 'not because we have no time, not in the right mood etc'. Its like an exaggeration I guess.
I could watch this over and over because of his voice.
Your easy ❤️🍺😛
No thanks. You end up being everyones unpaid therapist and learn about their insecurities and skelletons in their closet before you learn about their endearing qualities.
And sometimes people feel embarassed about the things they told you about themselves and become very distant.
Or you take your distance because you feel embarassed about all the stuff you know about them.
+thijsjong it gives me perspective to see other's vulnerable side.
+thijsjong Fair enough. We didn't mean to suggest that being a good listener is without occasional potential drawbacks. We were mainly trying to focus on the experience of enjoying being listened to well - and exploring what's going on when that happens. Sorry if we didn't make that clear.
I find this the best part about listening. if these people ever stab you in the back, you have a treasure chest of dirt to throw their way. it's a good method to control people
John Armstrong Everything in moderation. It is up to the person who divulges his/her story to not put to much on a person. And the listener to put limits to how far they want to hear it. It seems there are to few people who listen well. So when someone encounters a good listener he/she gets a truckload of emotionally laden information dumped on him/her.
I didn’t realize why I have the bad and annoying habit of interrupting. No matter hard I try and how acutely aware I am of the flaw I can not seem to help myself especially in disagreements. Could it be that I was not listened to as a young child. That statement is certainly soothing I will ponder and perhaps help me get better listening rather than interrupting. Thank you
Books titled "The Listener":
www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=the+listener
Just sayin'. Cause I have to speak.
This is a lovely little guide on how to be a good listener. Thank you, so nicely made.
"Can Music save Your Mortal Soul ruclips.net/video/-uexjy4sWu4/видео.html..".
Your video's made me have the most powerful ego death ever. Thank you
rumis masnawis first word is listen and there are so many ancient commentaries articles and booklets dedicated to explain importance of listening because of this beginning..
but it isn't fun listening all the time and not having a turn to speak about your thing
He didn't say that.
0=Axel=0 I didn't imply that he did
+Aik My thing isn't all that exciting, and most of the time not as well spoken as some of the people I listen to. Your thing sounds cool though if you feel the desire to speak about it.
+Aik I agree. Good thing I could comment on this video before it was even done playing.
Godofcloud9 some people think what they have to say is cool even though it is extremely boring
Absolutely love the School of Life.
Gives me hope with an understanding that there are people out there who like to dig deep and understand, rather than to just be pulled along in the complex waves that are emotions.
Much love and appreciation for the job you people are doing.
I'm 15 and i'm a listener it kinda sucks because no one will listen to me even my parents often give vague answer like "believe in god" even thought I told them i'm atheist -_- no one believes that we humans are a little fucked up inside. Actually, children in my age, criticize from status and image only I cant imagine what would happen if I open my heart to someone, heck even my best friend never listens.
I just want to help but it's extremely one-sided :(
I feel you, that happens to me a lot and it's such a shame. People who like to listen are hard to find. Most of the people just keep on speaking their minds or don't even care about having conversations, just wait their turn to speak.
+Semra “S” Rem Your conversation is too valuable to be wasted on those who do not return some of the same treatment.
Just don't talk, but the social effects of that may be too taxing for a 15 year old girl.
Don't try to take responsibilities of other's shortcomings.
try finding better friends or better topics. If the conversation is mutually enjoyed then both sides will listen and speak.
If you are a good listener then you should have a knowledge depth deeper than most but read a book on a subject that particularly interested them. Then you aren't out if your depth in the subjects your having your conversation about and won't have to fall back on the crutch of just listening.
+Semra “S” Rem Hey Semra, I know how you feel and it's not an easy thing to be going through especially at your age, but knowing one is not alone in ones sentiments makes enduring hard times infinitely easier.
I suggest you check the INFJ personality type profile on "celebritytypes . com", as I have the feeling that might resonate with you and help understand yourself a bit better.
+Vinícius Chaves Exactly!
I'm glad I didn't stop watching these guys when some of their earlier videos made me feel bad about myself. I think I really needed to hear this.
I wanna talk about myself to others, But it makes me feel selfish...
And I’m not a good listener...Any advice?
Akira Potatoe you have to learn to listen by actually being interested in them and not yourself , what’s more important is getting to know the other person, not forcing them to get to know you, in time they will ask about you and this will form a relationship
I am a very quiet person, but I love listening and teasing out all the details in someone's story. It's always amusing/satisfying to me that people never notice I am a quiet person because the people I'm with are the ones doing all the talking.
hey have you ever done an audio book? I like your voice a lot
+gustavo pena Ha. He literally did very recently. Funny enough, on the last video, if you wait until the end, they talk about it. Hope that helps.
+gustavo pena
Hello. If you search on Itunes for " A point of view BBC Alain de Botton", you can find some podcasts. There is also a Pinguin podcast about his new book. You can also watch all the documentaries he posted on his other youtube channel. Just search for Status Anxiety, you will find the channel.
***** nice
I believe that it is very important to be a good listener. Everyone has the ability to listen. It's not too hard to try and understand what someone is saying when speaking to you. I find the part in the video about knowing that disagreements aren't always a form of hostility. Too many people are afraid of disagreements, people see them as a bad thing. Good listeners will know that there will always be things that you will not agree on with others. You will have disagreements with even the closest people in your life.
Bad listeners/incessant speakers are truly pitiful creatures. I may not explicitly tell such a person that I'm not listening, but I give zero eye-contact, zero backchanneling, and yet they go on and on and on. What. the. fuck.
+TheGerogero Some people are never listened to at all, but people have a drive to express themselves and be heard, so these people unload on anyone who will stay around them. The people I know like this are often socially anxious. There's also the kind of person that has to be the centre of attention all the time and seems to assume that everyone is interested in them.
Both types are often hard to listen to and make uncomfortable, but I don't think they need derision and pity, I think they need empathy and understanding. We don't know why they won't shut up and hold us captive, we can only make assumptions.
+findtheearth I think they need to sit down and think about how much of a prat they are lol. Or I should have the courage to tell them (gently and with empathy, sure) that they are being a prat...
the views in this video are excellent . I will listen to this on a daily basis just to ensure I will learn how to listen. I believe it will help me personally as well as professionally.
thanks for posting this!
Go on...
+thetoughones No, you go on..
+pramitbanerjee just tell me more..
Yato/ /Yukine i am listening..
i'm not sure if i'm a good listener, but i try. i remember when i talked to my friend i just asked him "how and why", then he replied and i unbelievable, he made a quite long conversation.
I think you meant: Being A Good Therapist.
+PlayCreatively it is probably the same :)
Thank you, a really nice reminder. Give to receive at its highest!
Too bad they charge 200$ per hour
Really learnt alot about listening... Never seen it in this light before...Hope to practise it more and more in my life.
I found this hard to listen to.
When I heard the phrase "no one has ever written a book..." it triggered a memory of just how useful the book "Getting to Yes" was for helping me be a better listener. Another good food for thought video from School of Life.
3:42 is... is that guy a furry?
Yeah xD
It depends on the culture, in western societies often listening is not seen as a value but in many Asian cultures it's empathized early on.
Hello
안녕하세요.@@초함덕-k1v
I'm almost a very good listener, but I judge what is being said all the time.
+Xeno I think that's pretty fine. It's fairly unrealistic to expect absolute no judgement from people. I believe as long as you are carefully listening and analyzing what you hear, as a result you do naturally judge it.
It's just important how you 'express' that judgement to the one talking.
+Xeno And, adding to what Laya A said, being very aware that you have your own judge-worthy qualities/flaws makes you more careful about judging others too quickly.
+Xeno Can you give me a realistic example where judging is a bad thing? I always judge, however maybe I'm miss-translating the meaning of judging. I share my opinions on people's stories, I can't imagine talking to a person without adding to the discussion.
Laya A
While it's true that I listen carefully, analyze and connect what is being said with past things, I express my judgement by interrupting the talker xD
Rockerpepper
Yeah, good point.
Damn, and here I thought I simply didn't like the small talk that everyone else seems to love to drone on about, but really I'm a good listener (to a variable degree) by wanting to understand more about a person and seek introspective interpersonal knowledge over small talk as well as helping others as much as I am able. I always beat myself up about it, but I've always felt conversations should be a two-way street and never shallow. Sure, I've got some lister-levelling-up to do, but this really validated that I have all that natural characteristics for it, I just need to get better with how I go about it. Thanks, The School of Life!
The same skills can be used to listen to ourselves, to encourage ourselves, and to be honest to ourselves.
Let's take a moment to acknowledge how soothing his voice is!
I'm so grateful for this channel, and to be honest, though life should be viewed skeptically, I have begun to trust whatever you post as the mere truth and nothing else.
This is sooo important and makes other people more enjoyable for you when you're a good listener. Sometimes i need to hear other peoples worlds to get out of my own. Getting too wrapped up in your own game can really bog it down i feel.
I was having trouble with not being able to speak my mind enough, but this video really opened my eyes! Thank you! I hope to make the best of my listening skills! Again, thank you so much!
I've come to notice while watching these videos that overall, I am a pretty healthy minded person. I love myself, and ive known before ever having to have been told that when one person lashes out at another it is their own insecurities taking the form of harsh words and judgements. i've also had a few things that were wrong with me come to my attention that I feel I always knew but had never really been able to put into words. now that I have become consciously aware of them, I can actively work on them. I wish that everyone could be shown these videos so they could know that they are not alone in their aloneness and that everyone is hurting in some way or another. although I've also come to the realization that a lot of people don't want to learn why they lash out and hurt each other. because I believe that like myself, they are already (maybe unconsciously) aware of why they behave the way they do but can't bear to admit it to themselves or have others know of their weaknesses.
In the cycle of Good communication 70-80% of the time spent goes to listening with an open mind n heart! The mind is like a parachute it serves well when it’s open! K
I love to listen , it makes me understood different mindsets and allows me to think way different ❤️ thankyou for sharing
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this particular video could sort out most of my doubts as to why people choose to stay in a company of a good listener rather than the one who speaks well
Gentle untangling. That's beautiful.
This emphasizes "listening" in terms of saying things. That said, point 3 and 4 is very critical. I would like to see more material on **listening** not speaking to beseech feelings from others or continued monologuing
I’ve been a really bad listener throughout my life. I always talk over people but I never understood. That’s why it’s hard for me to listen. It’s one of my biggest problems but thank you for putting this video up as I just didn’t understand and sometimes I don’t like what I hear, but I have to put up with it so thanks
I've always wondered what about me encouraged people to go on and on forever. Even when I'm annoyed, I just smile and nod and they keep going lol.
With that said, I've hardly been a good listener. I heard the words coming out of their mouths but I rarely empathized, thought about, or showed interest in people's personal lives when they talked about it. People always tell me I'm good to talk to but they're don't realize they're not talking to me, they're talking to a wall that has my face. Hopefully I'm working towards changing that. People are interesting after all. We all have our unique stories and experiences that are worth telling, whether small or big. Listening can be just as enjoyable as talking.
Love this video, i try to live these values whenever I can during conversations. The thing most people get stuck up on now days is they don't listen, but wait for their turn to talk.