What to do when you've been triggered
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- Опубликовано: 10 июн 2024
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Key Points
00:00 - Emotional Trigger
00:26 - Emotional Trigger Example
00:59 - Unconscious Trigger Cycle
01:20 - Conscious Trigger Cycle
"When you are triggered, you are experiencing a past wound in the present moment"
perfect short explanation ❤
At times, it is the present moment. Examples could be having an argument with the abuser, flying monkeys, enablers.
Thank you. I found this after a major argument and then extreme silent treatment from my narcissistic father. He absolutely broke me with his vindictive passive aggression when I was growing up. But thank you for reminding me I can choose to get in between this past hurt and the present moment. Deep breaths...
❤❤❤
Me with my narss mother.
I wish you courage, beautiful human
What about if your normal reaction is not to lash out but swallow it n hold it it inside? Not great as it then festers
@@sharonwhitfield4160I send phrases of compassion to myself such as; I’m so sorry you’re being triggered, ISS others are projecting their emotions on to you. ISS you forgot you an take your energy back nd send back theirs, etc.
I work in retail & I have to be really careful not get triggered by the asinine things that customers say & do, often seemingly done just in an attempt to get a reaction out of me.
Thanks for the video. I've been enjoying the shorts that you've been making lately.
Me too...in food service.
@@lindahall3546 My condolences 🫂
I doubt the customers do something just to get a reaction. Your colleagues are probably more likely to do that, judging from my experiences of being bullied in retail
Customers can appear angry when they are actually frustrated or upset.
@@GaslightingIsEvil Now l think about it, you're probably right.On days when I'm tired or stressed some people's body language or faci al expression is enough to trigger a negative emotion, yet on days when I'm rested & feel fine nothing anyone says or does pisses me off & seemingly nothing upsets me.Sorry to hear that you've worked in hostile & bullying work environment.Our job is challenging enough without our co-workers giving us grief
@@carpathianken what's also weird is that there can be people in one's circle who straight-up do say things to solely get an emotional reaction out of you. as a bpd sufferer i easily spot other cluster B patterns in other people but am yet to conquer the lingering emotions and thoughts that persist even if i don't act out on the triggers such people present.
Understanding that people are just doing it, they aren’t doing it TO you has helped me. Everyone operates out of their own shame and bs thoughts. My mother made a comment about my daughter’s body and I was able to calmly and assertively tell her that it’s inappropriate to comment on another persons body and to never do it again. I said it in front of my daughter so she understands that you can erect boundaries calmly and assertively. If it happens again we won’t be seeing my mother again.
Exactly exactly, everyone operates from their own level of consciousness. When you understand it you don't get emotionally triggered. You can chose a proper response as you did. 💚
Yeah I like this a LOT better. Ignoring / changing the subject feels like letting someone get away with something wrong or walk all over me or someone I love. If the trigger really is just about something that isn’t meant offensively (like I just don’t like someone else’s taste in a violent video game or something), I can choose to control myself and work through the trigger on my own. But if the trigger is someone actually behaving abusively, and yes that is bringing up past pain too, *but is still wrong in this moment as well* then I deserve to stand up for myself. With dignity instead of losing my mind, but I still deserve to stand up for myself and draw a boundary (or do the same for a loved one, like in the case of your daughter).
Although I don't know what your mother said, I would guess that it was related to your daughter being overweight. Whatever she said, if you listen closely between the lines, what she actually communicating was "I love you, I care about you, and I want you to be healthy".
One response is to stop her from commenting, or avoid her. However, considering what she is really saying, you "could" respond with "Tell me more" , "What makes you say that", "What do you recommend?" The fact is (likely) that if you discussed it, and jointly worked on how to resolve it, you would arrive at solutions. Maybe: tying her allowance to hours of exercise/activity, going for walks/hikes as a family. Removing all processed food from the house. If this is off target... read between the lines... "I care"
@@MindsetBliss This video and channel is about healing from narcissistic, abusive, and traumatizing experiences. Not functional, healthy, and safe families. Your commentary is extremely damaging and gaslighting to the majority of people who will be coming to a video like this because they’ve been through actual abuse. Let me give you an idea what that looks like (MASSIVE trigger warning for people who had eating disorders in childhood and adulthood because of a narcissistic parent):
There was an “Untold Stories from the ER” episode where a Florida woman had nearly killed her daughter, because she snuck tapeworm eggs into her food so she’d lose weight for a beauty pageant. The girl was not overweight, not even close. This was a purely cosmetic decision, made without the daughter’s consent, and you’d be surprised how common it is for adult women to forcefully control the food and weight of their daughters even when their daughters are perfectly healthy. The poor girl was losing blood, and her entire digestive system was filled with tapeworms, and she was miserable and horrified because of what her mother had done. That is a particularly extreme case with the tapeworms, but LOADS of women in the United States push their daughters every year into beauty pageants, child-modeling, and dangerous social atmospheres where not only are these mothers pushing them into anorexia if they wear anything above a size 2 pair of pants, they also routinely expose their daughters to industry people who are sexual predators and sexually harassing their children, in an attempt to make money off of them, and come across as a “cool mom.” THOUSANDS (if not millions) of women unfortunately fit this “mother of Regina George” / “cool mom” (or Kris Kardashian) type of archetype, and no, they don’t care about the health of their children or grandchildren one bit.
There was also an episode of wife-swap, where a woman was shocked to discover that a family would not let their son have any kind of milk with their cereal, and other fanatical diet restrictions, and weighed him SEVERAL TIMES a day, because they were trying to control his weight for weight classes in wrestling. This became such an concerning trend in the high schools for wrestling teams across the country, that “Strange Days At Blake Holesy High” (a show that usually focuses on science fiction for kids) did a whole episode about their jock character having an eating disorder to control his weight for weight classes in his sport.
Unfortunately, this kind of trying to make your daughter rail-then even if it’s not healthy, is VERY common in certain social circles in places like New Jersey, Miami, Los Angeles, and the parts of the south that are still big into debutante balls and beauty pageants. And trying to control the son’s body for athletics is a growing trend all over the country.
Yeah, maybe you’re right that *most* people (maybe that’s a bit naive- perhaps most functional families) don’t comment about the body or appearance at all to their children or grandchildren, unless they feel they have to intervene about health, and with climbing obesity rates, perhaps the majority of normal families don’t feel the need to even make a comment about a person’s body unless it’s something extreme like a child who is above 100 pounds and under 10 years old, and they’re genuinely concerned the child might have a heart attack or have severe health problem. That is a pretty rare problem for being overweight to be *that* extreme (most “overweight children” these days are simply a tiny bit pudgy and their weight normalizes as they grow older, without commentary from extended family, bullying about appearance, or any interference). But, the amount of people genuinely dealing with obese children, is probably about as common, as people who are giving their children anorexic and bulimic eating disorders by controlling them.
Psychologists have actually found that in MOST cases of binge eating disorder and childhood obesity, other trauma is going on in the household such as alcoholism, homophobia, or screaming between the parents, bitter uncooperative divorces, and yelling at the child in a militant way about their studies, and other abusive and traumatizing behaviors. This is because binge eating is largely a coping mechanism for deeply sad and angry emotions, as food gives a boost of serotonin and dopamine, happy hormones that many obese children aren’t getting any other way because of an extremely toxic emotional environment with parents who aren’t giving them enough love. The age old adage that fat people are trying to fill a hole in their heart with food, has been proven more or less correct by science, and as it turns out, most fat people know they’re fat, and commenting on it doesn’t usually lead them to make healthier eating choices, it leads them to binge eat more because they feel bullied about their weight. As it turns out, getting the help they need for trauma and emotional distress, often resolves the underlying emotional motives for having an unhealthy coping mechanism, and the binge eating resolves on its own with weight normalizing over time after getting proper trauma-informed mental health care.
Listen, I’m a big supporter of calming our own triggers and learning not to jump to wrong conclusions about another person’s intentions when they talk to us. Of listening to each other’s love languages, and trying to understand that in a healthy relationship, not every single little thing a person says that triggers us is meant in a selfish or narcissistic or controlling or abusive way. It is a good idea, generally, for most people in most healthy relationship contexts, to lovingly try to understand each other and assert boundaries in an open way without necessarily cutting off contact or diminishing opportunities for connection and relationship.
However. You came to a channel ABOUT healing from mental health issues and abuse. And you condescendingly decided you know everything about a stranger’s situation, even jumping to the conclusion that it’s about obesity without any details (which says a lot about what is probably your own size prejudice, if we’re going to be jumping to conclusions in this thread).
Your own initial disclaimer stated that you don’t know what OP in this thread has been through, why she feels extremely uncomfortable around her mother making unnecessary comments about her grandchild’s body. But you then proceeded to give unsolicited advice about a scenario you made up in your head anyway.
Just because OP acknowledges most people don’t behave abusively with the intention of being abusive, doesn’t mean that she didn’t feel the need to protect her child from abusive, not loving, but abusive behavior. You don’t know OP’s life story or family history or why she feels the need to be protective about this. I can tell you this much though, a LOT of people’s families have a long line of women who are obsessive about their own weight and other people’s weight and think it’s only acceptable to be very thing, and it’s often unconscious because this abusive mindset has been inherited for generations- so while not every single weight-obsessed mother is putting tapeworm eggs in her child’s food or doing obviously very extremely abusive things, many women are being much more nasty with their commentary towards their own daughter’s bodies than they realize, and it often has very little to do with health.
OP has a right to assert boundaries in whatever way she feels is safest for HER child, because ultimately, while our elders and extended family are important to respect and learn from, it is the parent’s right and responsibility to decide the lifestyle of the household and to decide what kind of child-rearing behavior is and is not tolerated in her household. She has every right to tell her mother not to speak to her daughter in a way that may cause eating disorders or self-hate and body dysmorphia down the line, as that is a huge problem in our country. No need to gaslight her and tell her that her mother “meant it in a loving way” when you weren’t even there for the conversation.
@@MindsetBliss And lastly, assuming it’s about weight is a big assumption. I used to live in Los Angeles, where I’ve seen mothers in the more wealthy class make commentary to their daughters that was absolutely abysmal- pressuring them to get rid of birth marks and moles, a nose job, a boob job, as teenagers. “I’ll pay for it sweetie!” I’m sure these women told themselves their intention was loving too.
It’s never ok to shove your opinions about another person’s body in their face. If it is a health issue, that’s between them and their doctor and none of your business. Plenty of people are making routine remarks about other people’s body that has everything to do with shame and stigma and unhealthy mindsets about the body, and nothing to do with health at all.
The grandmother does NOT get the right to decide child-rearing of the daughter. At all. Period. Her commentary is not an opportunity to control another person’s household, relative or not.
I work as a psychologist myself and I was so excited when i stumbled upon your channel. I love how you make dealing with very deep rooted conflict understandable and accessable for so many people in an appreciative and constructive way. I find myself profiting too, because you have a great way of bringing it to the point so that I learn to jave better grasp of concepts. Also its such a good deal of behavioural practices and analytical theory behind it. Your content and work it so valuable and important thank you for putting in the effort!!
Triggered ... what to do. I got triggered an hour ago. My perceived reality was wrong and I knew it. I let the thought come in, recognized it, and said to myself... NO ... this is not reality. The human mind and ego, will always go to the negative. So yes the PAUSE is awesome, SLOWING THINGS DOWN IN THE BRAIN, and lastly awareness. You rock THP, you help so many people.
You're intelligent. You've worked it out. That's what shitted me when I learned more about my mothers disgusting parenting style, rather than do the emotionally mature thing & let a negative thought be processed rationally by her mind , she'd instead blow up at the most petty thing terrorising her 4 children in the process.
Well done 👍👏It’s difficult in the moment. But you remembered PAUSE
It's the pause that gets me. It's like the reaction happens before I even realize I'm triggered. How do you realize something is even happening?
Same 😩
It takes practice and self care to get to this point but it’s totally possible and gets easier over time. Meditation/journaling/mindfulness can help your mind practice having more “space” between your thoughts in a more calm environment and eventually you can bring this into those situations to help create a pause! ☺️💖
I get what you're saying. It's an automatic response. Best way to deal with this is be as conscious of your thoughts as possible and how you are triggered. Work on slowing it down and allow it to process. Tell yourself, no matter what, you will not react negatively. I understand, people try to test you, provoke you, etc. Keep in mind, there are a lot of angry, bitter, selfish people out there that want to spread their negativity and force a conflict. Be the smarter and stronger person and not engage. You really have to be conscious of your thoughts and feelings and control your reactions. Practice and get better at your boundaries too. You are not responsible for how others act and feel. No matter what. If people can control your emotions, it means they control you and take your power from you. Be the person who is the most calm, patient and calculated. That is who the real winner is. The one who freaks out is the one who loses. If you have people in your life that always create conflict, then you need to work on getting these people out of your life. Find better friends, distance yourself from family and/or switch jobs. But, keep in mind, no matter where you go, there will always be negative people trying to trigger you.
For me it was consequences. I could always tell I was about to cross the line but couldn't halt all the momentum before skidding over the edge bc at that point my brain would basically say "do a flip!"
My brain wasn't afraid of the consequences bc there really were none. When I started making myself apologize for the things I said/did right then and there as soon as I realized I lost my cool, the embarrassment and guilt were what finally reformed my mind to take the space it needs to recognize when there's a cliff's edge and slow down a lot sooner. Forcing myself to bite my tongue and swallow my pride immediately after the moment is so much more agonizing than just quietly working thru the issue. I mean really going into detail, apologize for every word by repeating it and hearing it with fresh ears and for every action by describing it aloud. Just the discomfort alone is an overnight miracle tbh.
Not saying you should apologize for things you're not sorry for, or can't control, like being triggered in the first place. Just for how you reacted.
I think it’s totally ok to not shame your initial knee-jerk reaction if someone is behaving abusively towards you, it’s just about recognizing at some point after the reaction that you’re triggered and not getting swept away and reeled into a long fight or argument. Just walk away from people who bait you like that.
This is beautiful timing! I was triggered at work today and I was really pleased with how I responded. I had a conscious reaction!
After it happened I sat with how I was feeling and sorted out exactly what was making me feel that way. Then I sent out a text to one of my support people to get it out. I was still a bit activated so I wrote out a poem that I have memorized and it got me out of my head. By the time I was done, I was back on track and ready to continue with the day.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporesss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.sporesss
If I make a mistake = silent treatment and expected to figure out what I did wrong. Mum, dad and sibling all did this. What made it worse was that they would pretend it was ok and then completely withdraw.
You did nothing wrong. They just expect you to be a certain way that they want you to be. Whether they like it or not, you have have a life and deserve space and serenity. Lay down boundaries and DO NOT feel guilty. Them all giving you the silent treatment is meant to make you feel guilty and that your feelings are not valid. You need to start asserting some boundaries and then follow through. It is a process. Find that line between you and them and do not let them cross it.
I've been having many triggers during the day also scrolling social media. It made me feel numb and not very productive. But I switched from reactive state to knowing that everyone goes through life based on their state of consciousness and it has nothing to do with me. From survival mode reacting to observing. Most things I was reacting to were not worth my attention.
That’s really helpful. ❤
I found its helpful to know what is a trigger for me and when someone is mis-directing their stuff at me. I may get "triggered" but that doesn't mean I have to tolerate their behavior. I have a right to be angry, hurt, upset, frustrated or whatever, the important thing for me is to honor my boundaries.
Yes, Yes. I am in total agreement. Thank you for helping me understand that. I was recieving the message that one should just accept the trigger and basically do nothing accept learn to internalise it. And that just wasn't making any sense to me.
THIS! There’s a big difference between me being, say, triggered about a movie or video game or something out of my control that isn’t even directed at me as a real threat (and that’s valid too, but a moment to self-heal and regulate, not go on a crusade) vs. “feeling triggered” because someone is behaving wrongly towards you or committing an act of bullying or injustice. It’s good to be able to maintain calm in those moments too if you can, just so you can better navigate the situation, BUT, there is NOTHING wrong with you for being angry about someone behaving abusively in the moment. That is natural, and you have a right to stand up for yourself.
What's hard is when it is a trigger caused by memories. Even if you live alone and you don't experience a comment. This is where I am at right now. What really triggers it is I am living too close to the person/family that causes me grief. It's interfering with my ability to work and get along with others. My thought process is to move farther away. I am just tired of having to spend time, energy and resources on things like this. But I believe it is the necessary step in order for me to have a healthy life.
For me triggers are opportunities that there are things we need to work on. Sure, skills are important how to deal with them, e.g. pausing first.
Someone once said: "We all have triggers. Imagine a gun: it has a trigger. It's important to avoid triggers and learn the skills how to handle them but it's even more important to do something else too:
Diffusing the ammunition."
I hope the above makes sense.
To me it does as the more inner work we do the less powerful the triggers will be.
Brilliant video as it explains that when we're triggered we're actually experiencing the PAST wound in the PRESENT moment.
Great comment. The gun analogy is spot on. My goal is to not just "handle" my triggers well - I want to NOT BE TRIGGERED at all.
You've really been amazing with all I've learned from you 20+ years of mental health work didn't teach me jack shit, it actually made me worse. Thank you for doing it RIGHT.
Triggered on new years eve. Then fell off the wagon. Back on it. This is exactly what i needed. I just could not get passed it. Thank you for such great ,clear information .
A little help would be appreciated. My wife has a mother that is beyond narcissistic and caused a lot of childhood trauma. She is such a trigger that my wife doesn’t understand what her purpose is in this lifetime anymore. My amazing wife has helped me tremendously and opened my eyes in understanding that I am the happiest I seek. I have become so good at understanding my body I recognize things very quickly, welcome them and let them go. My wife is the reason I am able to do this. Here is the kicker. When it comes to her, she can’t do it. She says she knows what triggers her and clearly recognizes it and describes it in great detail. She does everything Dr Nicole talks about in this video and more, but she can’t let go. It’s heartbreaking to see someone who is a genuine, loving soul suffer so much and not think they have a purpose and can’t be who they want to be. How can I help her ? Your videos are priceless and have helped me understand her thought process a lot more. 🙏
You are such a kind loving spouse!
Your wife having a narc Mom gave her mental wounds that run very deep. Imagine the person who supposedly to love you unconditionally always throws you under the bus. It is very hard for your wife. There is a part of her inner child that is so lonely and longs for maternal love.
I haven't been able to do the work myself but I've heard journaling, meditation, nature and light somatic exercise can help. What helped me most was when my husband would stand by me unconditionally. Those years I was near totally healed.
Encourage her to go to therapy. Offer to go with your wife if she's nervous talking about the abuse she endured. It's very scary examining old wounds. She will probably never get an apology from her mother and that can be hard for an adult child to bear. Just let her know you love her unconditionally and will always be there for her. You already do those things but those of us who survived childhood trauma need to hear our loved ones say it. I wish you and your wife well!
My mother was the same way. I did DBT therapy and that helped a lot. Just talking about the past abuse did nothing. It’s about moving forward.
@@KA-bw3wf ….. Thank you for the kind words.
@@deanna_abby …. Therapy has been a part of her life since she was 13. It wasn’t until I started going with her and bringing some clarity to the therapist and explaining the true dynamics of this family that I picked up on in a relatively short time. From there we were able to work together peeling back the layers and being aware of what was going on.
She knows her mother will never accept responsibility, she knows she will never apologize, she knows she cannot change her mother and she knows she will not have the true love and relationship a mother should give a daughter.
Even though she’s aware that being away from her mother is when she starts to gain confidence, feels peace and starts to find happiness and love in herself she’s still there for her mother because that’s what daughters do.
I tell her what ever decision she makes in how to deal with this, whatever can give her peace, I will support her and do what I can to help.
Good timing! Received a triggering text last night. My usual response kicked in. I felt personally attacked. Today, rephrased it as a criticism or judgement which took the emotion away & can make a choice. I will write it out too get it out! Thank you!
I am going to practice this every time I get triggered by a call from my MIL. Thank you…. 🙏
good luck with MIL! ❤
This was eye opening. I get triggered every day usually multiple times. You showed that I can pause, breathe and not take them as personal attacks. This was really helpful. Thank you!
❤
I actually was triggered with someone's emotional outburst towards me, the other day. I practiced the pause, and I remained calm, but three days later, I came down with one of the worst sinus cold.
it totally weakened my immune system. I realize I have a lot more work to do
Thank you for this vid! I am currently working on my triggers. The pause is the most tricky bit, as I've always been reactive. My Mum and Dad are exactly the same, as are my brother and sister. I am choosing to break the cycle
Deep breath 🙏🏼👍🏼
The pause in front of them is hard! I need to leave the room for a sec ❤
I had this happen over the holidays and I didn't engage with the person and I just walked off and found someone else to engage with positively. I wanted to be with my family that is healthy so I ignored the unhealthy person😊 thanks Dr. Nicole. Your videos and books have helped me work through a lot❤
I was badly triggered two days ago, New years eve by a good friend, it was the last of a series of unpleasent events. I meditated the next day, and saw myself when I was 10 years of age. It was a terrible time of my life, my sister was dating somebody that my parents didn't like, there was yelling all the time, there was fisical abuse too, pretty bad, my mother was drinking and I was completely overwelmed by everithing was happening around me, and I felt unseen, alone and afraid. That's the past trauma that came to me during meditation, something I forgot. I'm better now but stil on the edge and jumpy.
Such a deep insight! I hope your give your inner 10 year old the love and support they didn’t receive
Truly the story of everyone’s life.
Forgive them they did the best they know how.
Only way you can be free from the past. Only way.
Too much caffeine and a barking dog triggered me last night. I didnt calm down until morning. This video will help. TY Dr L. It made me feel I had lost control of my most personal space, My bedroom.
for some reason, when I've tried to "pause, take a breath" , instead of calmly counting 1-2-3... my habitual reaction shifts into countdown mode 3-2-1... I can actually feel my anger building up more steam before it's released. The kinds of triggers suffered from repeated verbal & emotional from my malignant narcissistic husband. It took me over a year (into our marriage) that he'd launched a full-blown character assassination against me. I am in a constant state of fight or flight from trying to defend myself and set specific boundrys that he simply disregards. I know there's got to be a better way to express myself. I didn't start out angry. The years of trying to survive it and still mainstain my sense of self has taken it's toll on me mentally, emotionally & physically.
One of my biggest triggers is hearing other people talk about any problems with their own physical or mental health. It puts me into a state of worry about my own physical symptoms and what if they don’t go away? What if they’re really serious? And what if I cannot handle it all emotionally or mentally?
But my higher self tells me I CAN handle whatever cards the universe deals me, and when other people talk about their health issues I have to tell myself- that’s their story not mine. I try to be thankful for these triggers because they remind me it’s all about whatever perspective I want to have. Whatever perspective brings me the most peace is the only one I need to listen to in my head.
The “power of the pause” is remarkable! It has made a huge difference in my life.
More advice on how-to change the unconscious reaction into conscious response would be helpful. What would someone’s internal thought process be like?
Initially we wouldn't know that is happening but with knowledge from mentors like her and practising habits like journalling and some physical activity helped me understand ........eg:journal like today I had a fight with mom,I start asking questions like what actually happened,why it happened etc we will understand better ....when next time we are hyper conscious of what to focus on ...and when similar incidents happen ....we will be more aware and chose a different response ... actually it took me 2-3months to actually to reach that level ....just take one step at a time ....hope this helps
I had to think why I felt triggered by my boss. I just realized what it was and I have to give grace to people, even my authority.
Easier said than done. When my toxic boss triggers me today I will keep this in mind to “pause” and allow this moment as work for me to rewire myself & increase my self awareness.
For someone like me, trying to pause and deal with the trigger, is like trying to swat at a mosquito that's buzzing around my face.
That’s so helpful, thank you. I had a rejection trigger just before Christmas.
The feelings of abandonment and thoughts of worthlessness hovered for a few days and I chose to acknowledge and accept them as present without validating or acting on them. I chatted them through with close, safe people and eventually they passed.
I was also able to see that I hadn’t been triggered like this for a while and felt grateful that life was becoming more peaceful and stable for me over time. Progress! 🎉
You betcha! Lifelong journey.
Recently I told a friend they triggered me in a round of golf a several years ago: he thought I was talkative and told me jokingly he was” going to punch me in the face if I didn’t stop talking “
My nervous system had a Chernobyl meltdown. It was the first hole and I could not get my body or mind back for the entire course.
And he proceeded for years to tell me how shitty I am at golf. I am novice but by no means as bad as I was that day.
I have done so much inner work on myself since then. This video helps even further. Thank you! 🙏
I saw that friend this past weekend at a dinner party and he told me that I stink at golf. I now have the inner strength and vocabulary to stand up for myself. I told him that” he verbally abused me that day and I was triggered. I have since found my power and understand that wasn’t his intention. “ i added” he should be wise to what words he uses to others as you don’t know what trauma that are trying to heal from. “
He didn’t even look at me when I said my peace. I don’t even mind. I am free from that day and have tools to use in future triggering moments.
Some people will not look at themselves and consider others wounds. But we can look at ourselves and consider our own healing. ❤️🩹 💪 😅 that’s all that matters. Self love. Self worth. Self respect. Self healing!
So so helpful ❤ healing from child sexual abuse understanding triggering is key for me. Thanks
When you live with someone that gets triggered and they aren’t aware of it and they project their anger and say very painful things it’s extremely difficult. I find myself going numb, not having the energy to communicate what I have communicated over and over in love and respect. With the result being the same patterns being repeated over and over. I no longer feel safe, heard or that I can communicate. I disconnect, check in with myself and take care of my needs because my needs aren’t being met and my body will stay dysregulated and it’s unhealthy and unacceptable to me.
I also learned that triggers or as a matter of fact any emotion tell a lot about us, which we should feel and listen to. And for that the pause you mentioned is very important, conversational pause and later mental pause from self or other blaming and truly see the situation for what it is. Many thanks ❤
The conscious response I chose - calmly telling my mother when she says things like she that, it hurts my feelings - after I was finally able to pause only caused my mother to DARVO. It just reinforced to me why I have low contact with her.
Just when I needed it! Thank you for your immense support ♥️
The last minute of this starting at 2:27 is gold. All the stuff before: yes and no. When triggered, you are in a heightened state that simple pausing and breathing will not resolve, especially in the beginning. Pause, breathe, and remove yourself from the situation. It can take time to calm down and become regulated. This video is a bit of an oversimplification in that sense.
You are downright amazing. Unbelievable how much I’ve learned from you. Wow! Is all I can say.
She is great! ❤
Someone taught me this and it was my 1st lesson. I am so incredibly greatful for this.
@ It did all these things for me.
@ I was so hurt, so mad so often.
Helpful is a serious understatement. It was life changing for mama.
@ I have also noticed I am getting better and better at it. 💜
Everything you post that I've seen is hopeful. I have been trying to sit with my feelings and notice instead of disassociating.
Thank you, I love this new style of short valuable content of yours ❤️☀️🌙
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with the masses. The more people know, the better chance of a great outcome that has a ripple effect through generations to come. I have so many triggers but I’m aware of them and actively trying to repair the damage so I don’t wound my kids in the same ways I’ve been wounded. So often your information pops up right when I need to hear it and reinforce a positive change. Thank you again.
pause, take a deep breath, then start crying. This works for me
Thank you! Being aware of what triggers us is helpful so we can learn to pause and make a healthier choice. 🥰💜
I am going through this with my narcissistic mom and trying to become more emotionally regulated and mature
Tysm for this explanation!! I love your work, very deep and at the same time concise 👏👏👏
I’m genuinely grateful that I discovered you and your videos because they’ve helped me recognize so much trauma that I didn’t realize I had, or that I was always doubting myself for on the surface even if I knew deeper down I was experiencing symptoms of trauma.
There was a person who I admired and looked up to roughly 4 years ago when I saw the good in everybody and didn’t know anything about my trauma or triggers. I struggle with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (I assume) due to childhood emotional neglect and grew up expecting to be criticized for everything and not praised unless it was very backhanded. This person I (blindly) trusted and looked up to ended up criticizing me a *lot* and then ghosting me and talking about me behind my back. I’ve dealt with slander and having the trauma they worsened and contributed to giving me, from them and their friends also for the last 3 years. It took me almost 4 years to get to the point where I stopped believing the bad things they said about me and let them think what they want as I understand now that I don’t deserve that treatment. 4 years later and I still get incredibly irritated when I see them around, but I’ve managed to control my triggers and pause my reactions to them now. I don’t think my nervous system will ever recover from the abuse they did and deny having done to me, but I’m glad that I’ve managed to work through it.
Very valuable info. Whether you know it or not, this is the process of transmutation. Learning to process stimuli for a more beneficial outcome for all is the why we are all here. Well done as always Doc
Very critical content. Thank you so much. I do get triggered. After I experience my emotions which take longer than I would like sometimes, I have started calming myself down by asking myself "What can I control?" Consciously deciding on the things that I can control allows me to reassert my power over me and my living experience. The practice has helped regulate my over thinking and my energy. This is a stellar channel!
Thank you, I am working on the pause and my triggers at this very moment. To pause takes tremendous self awareness
Love this! So practical. Thank you!!!! 💕
This video is amazing (as all your videos are, really).
The advice not only to relax but to ask why does that trigger me opens a whole new vision to an issue and an insecurity I was not addressing before
Thank you thank you thank you
Currently triggered. There is no feeling or emotional. There is no why. Husband reacted like a child. Triggered me and I told him so. Idk how to stop what doesn’t have a start. It’s just a spark that goes on and off without warning.
This is helpful just have to remember to pause that is the hardest part. I think when I’m disrespected that is what really triggers me. Thanks ❤
Thank You. I know when I’m triggered but I don’t have the luxury of numbing out at work… I have to keep functioning. And well.
Thank you. Thanks to you I’ve been able to identify my triggers. I am now working on a new way to respond.
This was so helpful and is a part of myself I don’t fully understand. I just had a triggering experience last night with my kids where I went through this whole cycle. It sucks. I think allowing myself to feel the feelings for a moment and hitting the pause button on my response is a major part of breaking this cycle. Thanks!
Thank you for the knowledge that you shared. You change people lives for better 🙏🏻
Thanks, Nicole. Triggers are a big one for people to work thru.
This happened to me a few weeks ago, where I tried hard to come across as social and extroverted just for someone suddenly saying "You appear autistic to me"
I entirely stopped talking and left the group early
As an introvert: I feel you. Also: it gets better, there are enough people who will like you as you are ❤
@@viannebinoche actually not at all haha, I got excluded from my university group and now I'm pretty much alone there. Also, my family disrespects me.
Anyway, I'll try to change my situation, won't give up.
That's so rude, I am sorry you experienced this
That was awesome! Thank you. I’m in that situation, being very triggered lately, so this was helpful.
This came to me at the right time. I’m going on a cruise with my mom, tomorrow as a duo.
Breathing doesn't feel right for me. My trigger is much overwhelming to me, so I need higher skills to calm down. What can I do else?
Perhaps closing your eyes and counting down from 10?
same for me
Have you tried EFT Tapping?
Thank you so much! I luv watching your videos!! You make something so complex really understandable and knowing that even though we are triggered we CAN control how we react to it. This is so helpful! I’ve been working so hard on this because I’m struggling with PTSD from a recent diagnosis of my prior breast cancer spreading to my spine and bones. I’ll keep watching your videos!! Thanks again❤❤
When I get triggered I become very afraid because I forget who I am and this is very stressful until I can get away, regulate and find myself again. I think it's called dissociate but I'm not sure. I believe my responses are freeze, flight or fawn.
I like this cycle diagram you made because it helps to remember that once I feel what I am feeling, I can then choose which response is most appropriate for the circumstances I'm in.
🎉🎉🎉perfect timing!!!😮😮 THANK YOU !! Dr. Nicole !😮😮
Thank you Dr. Lepera! This information is so valuable and I appreciate you so much for posting this for us!
Great timing of the video. Been working on this ☺️
This is perfect thank you! Definitely something I am working on and so loving your book How to be the love you seek!
Very helpful; thank you so much. I will take a moment to write down what triggered me from now on to better understand myself.
I am so grateful that today I was able to unearth some unmet emotional needs that were buried below a triggering situation. This is tremendously helpful and healing. Thank you
thank you so much for this , Dr Lepera. Have been struggling wit being triggered for the past three years and more and now I know how to deal with it. When the student is ready the teacher appears ! Let the healing begin.....
Thank you for this! There is so much FREE and good self help information available that there’s no excuse not to evolve and better yourself. That means walking away from those that are not recognizing deep seeded issues and don’t take action steps to improve. We all should be evolving, those that do not seek to, just don’t want to….walk away from those people that want to stay toxic.
Having emotional triggers are good to have but so is true to have a control on them ~ this is called maturity.
In sports spontaneous comes first; in emotional triggers that is counter productive.
Thank you, straightforward and helpful!
Thank you so much for your content ❤ it’s life changing
Seeing you here after following your tweets is a pleasant surprise 🎉
Woah... Thank you! This video came in at the perfect time, like the key that fits into this "locked" door or.. unanswered.. unexplored questions/emotions going through me... Because of a trigger-moment! I understand all that a little better now! I will try and remember this video for the next moment that I might need to hear this again... Thanks again!
Fantastic information.
Thank you.
I follow you heavy on X im so glad that i found you here on the tube!!!
Thank you for this! So helpful ❤
Amazingly spot on again. Love this lady👍👍👍👍
thanks for the short, straightforward videos! new sub
Best thing I have seen on RUclips thank you.
Perfect reminder! Thank you!
Yes. Working on triggers. Extremely helpful.
Thanks for sharing this. I will do my best to practice. :)
Thank you for giving this to us for free
Yup..working on staying aware of those silly past triggers.
Working on my own triggers I appreciate the cycle 🔄 chart 📈 and explanation
This is really helpful. Thank you.
Thanks for making this ❤
I am learning how to manuver thru triggers pretty often.
Thank you for your vieos!
Currently aware and working on my emotional triggers. It’s not perfect, but better than it has been. I’m determined to get it down and stop hurting others when they had no intention of hurting me.
This is a life skill everyone should learn
Nice ! Always be Mindful not just when you're Mad . Being Centered can be gauged by the (SPACE Between) Stimulu and Reaction ❤️❤️
Thank you for sharing!