Humans Are Space Orcs "Antics and Short Stories" [Binge Compilation]
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- Опубликовано: 29 сен 2024
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Alien: Human, what are you watching?
Human: Oh, this? Just a documentary on murderers
A: What's a murderer?
H: A person who killed another or more
A: WHAT?! WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?!
H: There could be a lot of reasons: revenge, hate, jealousy, sexual frustration, some people do it for fun, but honestly speaking, they're really screwed in the head.
A: Are you saying... you don't approve of this practice?
H: Of course not! It's illegal! But if it was a life and death situation, yeah sure, I don't want to die like that.
A: Then why are you watching a documentary on it?
H: I enjoy seeing the investigation process and the bastard being slammed in prison or killed
A: YOU ENJOY THE DEATH OF ANOTHER INDIVIDUAL?!
H: They deserved it
A: *confused screeching noises*
Stop misinforming the aliens like that. A murderer is one who unjustly AND maliciously kills another human. A homicide is not murder unless both the elements of malice and injustice are present.
Also, "it's against the law," is a morally bankrupt justification.
@@horsemumbler1 Well, considering this should actually be called Humans are Shit at Explaining Themselves, the Planet, and Understanding their own Timeframes, this misinformation is to be expected.
Getting very technical, homicide is simply the killing of human by another (cide meaning killer, hom meaning either “same” or “human”) their can be accidental homicide, we call it manslaughter and usually reserve homicide as a synonym for murder legally.
What can be really disturbing is getting into all the words for murder, but if people with a specific relationship to you:
Patricide: Killing your father (from the Latin Patr = father
Matricide: Killing your mother (again Latin Matr = mother)
Fratricide: killing your brother (Latin Frat= brother)
Soroicide: killing your sister ( Latin Soro = sister)
Infantcide: killing a child (compound word at that point) Filicide is a parent killing their own child
And the disturbing list goes on from their. If it’s an identifiable group, we probably have a word for killing specifically them.
Leaving off Genocide entirely, the systematic killing of an entire people group. Geno being latin for race/people. Literally means race killer.
I’ll stop now. This comment might never see the light of day, given some of the words used.
Alien: *looks up in the corner of front door and runs back inside* Human!!!! What is that little Black 8 legged thing?!
Human: *on their phone* hmm? Oh that's Martha.
Alien: Why is Martha tiny, 8-legged and in a web of some sort?! SHE HAS A RED 'HOURGLASS' ON HER ABDOMEN!
Human: oh she's a black widow. I let her live in the corner.
Alien: is she one of those. . . ."spiders" you told me about last week?
Human: yeah I don't knock her down because if I aggravate her she will probably kill me.
Alien: you keep something near you that can easily kill you?!
Human: y-yeah? She keeps roaches and mosquitoes out of the house...
Alien: you humans disappoint me more and more by the second.
Let me guess, Australia?
@@moiaussi7722 nah they live all over the southern US my uncle once found an entire nest in his garage.
Only some of us are that stupid my alien friend.
I named mine Octavia :v
*Human is crying between fits of laughter*
ALIEN: Human, why are lubricating your eyes?
HUMAN: Hahahahaha, it's, haaa! It's called crying.
ALIEN: I... See. Why are you doing it?
HUMAN: It's an involuntary response from how hard I'm laughing, it's making tears well up and leak out of my tear ducts! But, we usually cry when we're incredibly sad, like mourning a loved one or something.
ALIEN: That's... Confusing. Why-
HUMAN: Though tears are mainly intended to wash away any dust or the like that manages to get past our eyelids. Oh, and to keep our eyes from drying out!
ALIEN: _WHAT EVEN IS HUMAN BIOLOGY??_
Amazingly complicated
there's also the fact that laugh tears, emotional pain tears, physical pain tears and lubricant tears all have different chemicals mixed in it... (mostly soothing/calming stuff)
Yes. What is human biology?
crying is also a method of relieving stress
@@gioelecarratelli4593 Wait, really!? That's so cool! :D I didn't know that!
Human: Seriously is there no other species out there that's more violent and barbaric than us?
Alien: They were a few but they went extinct way before even discovering space flight technology. I once stumbled upon an archive talking about a species that burnt people alive if they claimed something religious leaders didn't agree with.
Humn: Are you sure that wasn't us?
Alien: ...No, I am most certainly not.
Crazy Dream no fuck you
ARE YOU SUUURRRREEEEE
I could like it BUT AM I GONNA!
It'd be funnier if there weren't still people advocating for religious genocide... In America. In the name of religious freedom.
TheAttacker732 if that stopped in the entire world I'd be the happiest man around.
Humans are space orcs
{impossibility is a constraint}
Alien: I once saw that it was fake to believe in the extra terrestrials but then one day I ran into a boy in my travels who had been drifting for weeks that boy later became one of my closest ally’s. He always acts so cheerful even though his planet of origin had been destroyed and his civilization erased from the entirety of the mass infinite universe he’s sad no more. Saying that his people had known of his planets plausible destruction for over 2 galactic standard years (2 million) and they had done nothing but tried to leave the planet. He said “we should have done more to protect are planet.” But I find him desperate for affection the other day I had seen him excreting a saline like fluid from his eye ducts. The child was about 1 indiction (15 years) old when we found him and he was so much stronger mentally than any of my other crew mates he could beat galactic champions in any of the games they chose he was no genius he was just crafty.
Human: I awoke on a ship with some man holding me and I was horrified I acted tough. Eventually I fell in love with the first mate of the ship I challenged champions just to impress her I hardly new what any of the games were. I was told to beat them would be impossible I was told the same thing again and again and again but I finally found a reason to break my constraints love. Once humans said it was impossible to go to the moon but we succeeded it was impossible to go to mars but we did it it was impossible to live in space but now we thrive in space. I was told later it would be impossible for her to ever Mary me because her father disapproved so I asked him what will let you be kind enough for me to Mary your daughter he said to me if you can beat the strongest man in the universe I will let you Mary her so I dueled that man. I used something created on my planet to defeat him the martial art of karate I used his weight and strength against him I came back and said to the father what next do you want me to beat the smartest man in the universe or the fastest or the most charismatic but the one I can’t beat is the bravest because I could never defeat the father of the woman I love because it would not be a fair fight for me. Her father said you can have her hand not because I like you but because my little girl loves you I don’t know why but I trust her to make her own decisions.
Alien: That magical day my best friend got married to my first mate was unforgettable because once it was said that an interspecies marriage was an impossible thought. But not quite as much as an interspecies child. Just remember child the only thing that is impossible is impossibility. [{end log}]
That was very sad
The discovery of a certain sci-fi thriller
Alien: WHAT DA FUK
Human:what
A: THAT THING JUST POPPED OUT OF THAT HUMAN’S CHEST!
A: WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING!
H: oh it’s one of the greatest sci-fi horrors
A: What’s it called?
H:Ali-
A:What?
H:a...alien
A:
H:
A:Well that’s offensive! I’m very disappointed in you
I will, because why not?
plot twist: there is an alien that is exactly like that that nobody has discovered
They did that in Doctor Who.
Am I the only one who knew which movie based solely on the description "a certain sci-fi thriller"?
No wonder they keep wanting to invade us
[Alien learns about braces]
A: Human what are those metal bits and wires in your mouth?
H: Oh, these? These are my braces.
A: What function do they serve?
H: Well some humans teeth don't line up properly so we glue braces to the and use wires to pull them into place over time.
A: That sounds painful.
H: Yeah but we have to fix it or it'll cause problems later in life. You get used to the pain, though. What really sucks are the limits on what I can eat with them.
A: What do you mean?
H: Well the brackets, the larger bits, can fall off if we eat things that knock them loose. Then there's the cleaning-
A: Cleaning?
H: Oh, yeah. Things can get caught in the wires or around the brackets and if we keep them there our gums can swell and we need to laser surgery to get them back to normal.
A: THE LASERS AGAIN?!?!
Humans... Time and time again your species has attempted to capture and or kill me. Sometimes I wonder why I come to Earth at all. Then I watch an anime, and it all comes rushing back. You might be violent (so am i, sometimes) and you might dislike (loathe) things you don't understand, but... Your entertainment is, to coin a phrase, "good shit"
I'm taking a screenshot of this, 'cause this made me laugh my ass off!
I LOVE YOUR CONSISTENCY KEEP IT UP!!
You should do the "United Federation of Hold my Beer I got this".
Hacn: Thank you Cankon for your time! Now for the our next speech, we have Emily of the human race!
You have our attention...
Emily: T-thank you, as you know I am Emily. To be completely honest, I don't think I should be the one to give this speech, but I was voted for a reason...(Here goes)
I believe that humanity's greatest gift, is our capacity to work with each other. In old times, we were a simple species, but someone, somewhere decided to work with another, and another. Soon one did not have to worry if they would eat tonight, that freed them to create new possibilities.
And slowly, the great wheel of invention spun, slowly at first, but soon it spun right off the axle into the sky.
This is why humans are here now, not ants, or another species. I may not speak for all, but I say that humanity's greatest gift is our understanding of each other, our compassion, our empathy.
That was inspiring! Bravo! 👏👍
imagine these are kids
Alien learns people can have the same name
Alien: Hello human May! How are you?
Human: Oh hey Z, I’m doing good how are you.
A: Quite happy! I learned about your planet, and how much research you pu-
Other human walks in: Hi guys.
H: Oh hey Mei, hows it going.
A: Human May, you have made a mistake. That human is not you.
May: Well actually, her name is “May” but it’s spelt differently. You would spell my name like M A Y and hers like M E I, you get it?
A: So... humans have the same name? Are all humans named May or Mei?
May: Oh no! Most people have different names, and some are the only ones with that name. It’s pretty much always different for everyone, but sometimes you meet people with the same name. It’s normal here don’t worry.
A: *assuming only these two humans have the same name pronunciation* Interesting...
Tv: -Today we are here with Mae Green-
A: WHAT?!?
I love the one where it's the alien showing stuff to human. So creative and I love it
i think hearing seymour read impalalord stories is the best "audio book" experience i've had frankly
Man, it's been a long while since i've stumbled on a humanity fuck yeah, thread. Feels like i'm on 4chan 15 years ago.
0:45 Technically, the human is the alien in that instance.
.... Dude I really thanking the god that I can find this bids!! Its make me having a lot of my ideas for my story!!! Thank you!!!! And also the original author thank you so much!!
Wow ive been geting asleep while hearing creepypastas about two months now, it is hella relaxing
A: human Lee.
H: yes
A: Human Gabriel requested I refer to him as Human Abby. Is he going undercover?
H: hmm? Oh, no. Abby is just trans.
A: Trans?
H: Well Abby used to be a boy but now she’s a girl.
A: is she attempting to trick fellow humans?
H: no..
A: Is she trying to lure in humans of the opposite gender?
H: no... being a girl just makes her happy, bro.
A: I see.
1:20 I was under the impression the milky way was named for the secretions of a _human's_ udders
specifically hera, when Hercules boob-nomed her too hard
7:03
Everybody gansta until we're spritual masters to aliens
Yo why are the really condescending and smart ones so nice to study to
Like the stories
Those short stories were inspiring as hell
Implalord coming in clutch with their own SciFi universe
Barbarians are greater, remember the Romans? (Man's history joke)
6:50 GUARDSMEN! FIX BAYONETS! CHAAAARGE!
Hey, Seymour, would you make yourself a subreddit? I think it would be cool!
*Alien meets Reddit*
A: Human, what are you doing with that... tablet?
H: Oh! It’s called an iPad. We use it to surf the Internet, learn things, and basically entertain us.
A: What are you looking at now?
H: This is Reddit. You can post a lot of things with it, usually for fun.
A: Does it have any true purpose? Does it teach you anything?
H: No...
A: Then why do you use it?
H: To entertain ourselves...
A: How?
H: Well, we might post things about software that doesn’t work right (r/softwaregore), we might post funny memes-
A: Those things you use to cover up depression?
H: Yeah... well, anyway, we also use it to post things like bread stapled to trees... or beans in places they shouldn’t be...
A: Why?!
H: I don’t know! We can even post things that can be cute or cool, or disgusting and horrible...
A: Why do you subject yourselves to this? Why?!
H: We do it for fun!
A: *mutters under breath* you humans would do anything, *anything* for entertainment...
*YES*
Theese short stories are so cool
I found this video inspirational oddly enough
Alien learns about Neurodivergence
A: I talked to your crewmate Steve, and I found him quite unique
H: Oh, he's autistic.
A: What's "Autistic"
H: Its a genetic trait that makes his brain work differently. Autistic people usually dislike strong sensory stimuli and are usually very knowledgeable and passionate about a certain field or topic, also they have a unique and way of thinking.
A: So surely they are treated well for their knowledge and insight
H: *awkward silence*
A: Somehow, that doesn't surprise me
Nobody has finished watching this yet.
A:so your telling me that these things called "rockets" you launch into space and colonize?
H:yes we used them to observe like we launched a rocket back in 61 so we can learn more about the moon
A:now im haveing a hard time trying to figure this out you have a rocket in your "nightstand" you call it*pulls out a D#CK toy*
H:WAIT WHAT NO NO NO NO NO
A:Very odd looking space ship
H:THAT IS NOT A SPACE SHIP ITS D*ICK TOY
A:And what do use it for???
H:give me a second *leaves room and comes back with a computer* this is what we use it for*shows him porn*
A:WHAT TYPE GARSH NCK... I REGRET GRABING THAT NOW IM GOING TO NRD VEG MY TRIHANDS (Means he is going to wash his hands with his cleaning utencils.
Chocolate actually can dramatically help your concentration and energy levels especially when the work you are doing is mental but over all yes too much chocolate will make you fat
That last bit was great.
Somehow, I get the feeling that humanity might well be the only species crazy enough to ride a pillar of iron and fire into the heavens. Without actually knowing that it would truly work, just to put their names into the history books.
True. We're crazy, but I chalk it to evolution. Why, you might ask? Simple. In the Eocene, we hat to hunt and kill large animals to feed your tribe. You might die, but if you don't and manage to take down a Mastodon you lucked out. If not, pray that you women collected enough berries for you, else you and you tribe WILL starve to death. This pressure made us more prone to reckless behavior, high risk, high reward thinking and never truly left out our genepool, because tend to be a sucessful behavior.
I chalk it up to the space race. When we are trying to prove to each other that we are better at anything, we are willing to take big risks, kill the first few and make it work a bit better the next time.
Because fuck you is reason enough to do epic and stupid shit.
because fuck it you know?
"Its cool" is a justifiable enough reason to go and risk all to go travel in space
*Alien:* Human, what is that?
*Human:* Oh, that is my pet boa.
*A:* What is "boa"?
*H:* It's a kind of carnivorous reptile that generally lives in jungles. Some humans, like me, have taken to domesticating them, though.
*A:* Carnivorous? What do they eat, exactly?
*H:* Oh, don't worry, they generally eat rodents and frogs. They very rarely eat larger prey like humans, so you have nothing to worry about.
*A:* ... very... rarely?
*H:* ... yes.
*A:* There are jungle reptilians that grow to be... three times your size... and eat humans, and you decided to keep one as your pet.
*H:* P much, yeah.
*A: rubs theirs tentacle against theirs scrn'ghfl* I think your constant tomfoolery has given me some mental issues, because I don't even find this kind of behavior troubling anymore.
What is a scrn'ghfl
It's the organule kfjsdfj'nians use to scrn'dl their fgfybv.
I love scrn'dling. It's my favourite part of the holidays.
Reported for sexual content.
Oh well.
(You're joking, right?)
Alien: What is that small creature you are holding, human?
Human: Oh, this guy? This is a chinchilla. Wanna pet 'em?
A: Does it have claws? Will it bite? IS IT POISONOUS!?
H: Dude chill out. It's not gonna hurt ya.
A: **pokes chinchilla** WHAT IN GLAOSJOS' NAME
H: Isn't it soft?
A: WHERE DO I GET ONE
I used to have 2 chinchillas they where the fluffiest fattest animals I’d ever seen and I love chinchillas even more than I did before now
Random Human: *muffled yelling* AT THE PET STORE!
@@Dracophile7 A: whats a pets store human!
@@ghostie862 human: oh goodness. Where to start... I guess I am going to have to start with currency, then pets, then stores.
alien: why did you add the word currency when my confusion was over "pet store?"
human: becauss you need currency to obtain a pet at a store.
alien: okay, so currency is some sort of bait you use to lure out these "pets" at specific locations known as "stores?"
human: no... you see, if someone wanted something from someone else, they would offer something to that person in exchange. But the question becomes "what if I don't have anything you want in exchange?" This is where currency comes from. It is something everyone wants more of, and you can exchange it for nearly anything.
alien: So currency has great value. What makes it so valuable? Is it a food? a fuel? a building material?
human: not exactly...
alien: ...its a worthless, shiny rock, isn't it...
human: no. we give those to our mates to wear and declare themselves mated. Currency is sometimes it is made from metal, but most of the time it is just paper.
alien: ...
human: You haven't even heard half of it yet, but lets get back to the original question. A store is a building constructed to trade various items for currency.
alien: a building. made to collect worthless paper.
human: and tiny metal circles called coins!
alien: is it too much to hope that these coins have a purpose?
human: ... yes...
alien: how is the trading ratio between currency and more valuable things determined?
human: honestly, I don't know. I only know that currency has a value based on the value people think it has, and this has caused it to be wildly unpredictable, and often cause currency to become almost worthless, which is usually caused when a government prints more and more money until there is so much of it that businesses and other governments consider it worthless.
alien: so the more there is, the less value it has?
human: generally speaking, yes.
alien: okay... my head hurts, but okay. Now, you skipped pets. is "pet" another name for chincilla?
human: nope. pet is a word for any animal we keep in our home. Pets are another thing we love. Just thought I should mention that since you have been trying to figure love out.
alien: ah. my species keeps symbiotic non-sentient species of wildlife to clean our homes and defend us from parasytes.
human: you know, that is somewhat similar, but that's not exactly what pets are. They were originally in a symbiotic relationship with us, but most of the time we just keep them for the company.
alien: OH! I am soooo sorry. This little creature is sentient!
human: no?
alien: you keep a non-sentient creature... for company?
human: yeah, humans are pretty weird. But just look at this guy, isn't he soooo cuuute!
alien: cute?
human: its a word to describe specific features that instill deep, usually parental feelings. *looks at Chinchilla* he's so cute, I couls just squeeze him and gobble him up!
alien: YOU EAT AND STRANGLE YOUR YOUNG!!!!!
human: what?!?!? no!!!
alien: but this creature is "cute" and should be instilling parental instincts!
human: First off, we don't eat our children. Secondly, humans have no release for feelings of cuteness, so our natural instinct is to kill the thing that is cute so it stops being that way. It is a way of balancing our emotions through two extremes since we don't have a release.
alien: !?!??!?!?!?!!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!
human: *chuckles* yeah... humans are weird.
There's going to be some Tribble now.
Alien: what is "love"?
Human:*sings* what is love? Baby dont hurt me,dont hurt me, no more~
Alien: is love a song?
Human: im lonely.
One day in the future people will hear what is love and not sing that. and that makes me sad.
Human: Heh, let me be serious. Love is complicated. Google said it's an, "intense feeling of deep affection".
HI FELLOW ONCE
@@maxiwaxipads me: but all we know, is much more complicated than what Google said.
석진폐물seokjintrash TWICE, I WANNA KNOW KNOW KNOW KNOW WHAT IS LOVE
Human 1: *Is drunk*
Alien: Ew! What is that smell? And why do you look like you are ill?
H1: *Passes out*
A: Oh my gosh! Did he just die? We must help him!
H2: Oh, no. He'll be fine in the morning. He just needs to sleep it off.
A: Sleep what off?
H2: The alcohol.
A: *Squints* Isn't alcohol poisonous? Doesn't it kill literally every living thing?
H2: Yeah, but we humans like to drink it in small to medium amounts.
A: So... you drink poison? Why?
H2: Some people do it to hide their depression and deal with their problems. We call them alcoholics and we have entire programs dedicated to helping them. Others do it because they like the feeling of being drunk.
A: What feelings does it even cause?
H2: ...It basically causes you to make bad choices, lose your balance, and slur your speech, among other things.
A: Why do you humans enjoy sabotaging yourselves?
H2: ...Because life would be too easy otherwise? *Shrugs*
A: Oh my gosh... Yet another weird behaviour that literally no one back home is going to believe...
H: _Note to self: Hold off on inviting aliens to next month’s Ghost Pepper Festival...._
Hey, you try growing up on a planet where the water is filled with nasty microbes! The alcohol kills them too, and they don't have our fancy shmancy livers to deal with it!
...
Yes, we do render our livers nonfunctional by drinking too much... Yes, even though they have mad regeneration powers... What's your point?
UGNAvalon ha
"Because lives would be too easy otherwise" is the most barbaric and stupidly badass sentence I have ever seen
(Human's on Mixed Martial arts)
Alien: Human, I have a question for you.
Human: (Is punching a bag) Yea.
Alien: I have been watching you punch and kick that bag in a variety of ways for weeks. Did the bag hurt you?
Human: Oh, not at all. I am just using it to practice my MMA.
Alien: M M A?
Human: Think of it as Unarmed combat.
Alien: Ahh this is for self defense purposes. Well I suppose that makes sense.
Human: Well some do it for self defense in case there isn't a weapon nearby, or for sport.
Alien: For Sport? Like what you described as Soccer earlier?
Human: Exactly!
Alien: So... your kind fights one another in unarmed combat.... for sport?
Human: Yea, I use to fight every other week back at home. It was awesome.
Alien: Your race is the epitome of Barbaric
Another human:*pops up behind him*WHY THANK YOU!!!
Human: heck, we have modern chemical projectile weapons ... and yet some of us practice fighting with metallic war clubs that traditionally had a sharp cutting edge in ways that would be lethal were the steel death sticks sharp, and it's a sport we call HEMA!
Alien: incomprehensible rage induced screeching!
*Me polishing a set of medieval armour*
Alien: what are you doing, human?
Me: well I thought that since I have some free time I might as well polish my set of armour.
Alien: you humans still use metal armour as a means of protection?
Me: no no no no, this is just a replica. I mean, in the past we used to wear metal armour to protect ourselves, but since the invention of gunpowder and firearms such things became obsolete.
Alien: I see, so why do you still keep this metal armour if you no longer need it to protect yourselves?
Me: well, some humans like to collect this sort of thing, it's kinda a hobby for me.
Alien: you humans are odd, may I have a closer inspection of this "armour"?
Me: of course, it's a fine suit of late medieval Gothic plate armour. One of the most advanced types of armour during the medieval period.
Alien: interesting, and it doesn't use any form of motors or gears to move?
Me: nope, just articulated plates and rivets.
Alien: fascinating, are there any other types of armour humans used?
Me: of course, you have Greek Hoplite, Roman Lorica Segmentata, Viking chainmail and so on...
The alien is fascinated with the history of human armour
Alien: I've heard previously that you humans enjoy putting ancient artefacts on display for the general public to see.
Me: you mean a museum?
Alien: Yes! Do you know of a museum where I could learn more about human armour and armaments?
Me: well there is Leeds Armoury- HEY!
The alien drags the human into his vehicle and sets out to Leeds
Crazy Dream dude stop begging for likes. The more you do the less people will.
I'm not going to like your comment just because you asked me to...
Crazy Dream dude. Your not getting likes begging like this. And yes you are begging, you have done this in multiple other comments If you want likes, then don’t go to different comments and ask for people to like it, that is actually counterproductive. Also, don’t be but hurt when someone doesn’t like yours, they don’t like either because it’s bad and rude or you are begging. Get used to it.
*Crazy Dream*
Hey, remove the 'dream' prat of your name. That's what you are. Also, some point's I'd like to make (please don't hate me I just want to get this overwith)
1). Begging - ask (someone) _earnestly or humbly_ for things. What you are doing, my dear friend, is begging.
2). Lord Black is not trying to attack you. They are simply pointing out that begging will get you nowhere.
3). I can tell you are trying to be witty, but it will do nothing. I am not attacking/bullying you, I am just stating some things I'd like to say. Have a good night!
Can we just like admire how pure the alien is in this comment instead of arguing
Alien: Human why are you looking at images of Nekomeis?
Human: What are you talking about?
Alien: Wait, is this from your so called anime?
Human: Yeah, these aren't re-wait.
Alien: Yes?
Human: There is a whole race of aliens who look like humans with cat ears and tails?
Alien: Yes and even though you portray them as "fictional", they are quite real.
Human: No joke? You aren't lying to me?
Alien: No. Actually your species got it right and I am very surpri-
Human: Where is this planet?
Alien: Umm I believe in sector 078315 third planet to that star. Why exactly do you need this info-
Human: Quick to sector 078315 for the planet of cute anime cat girls!
Human crew in unison: To the cat girls!
Alien: What have I done? *cries* Where is the chocolate?!?!
Me in the corner: I'm heading for the escape pods, I didn't sign up for this.
Alien crew: to the escape pods!
My new favorite comment
*me playing on my video games with SOUND proof headphones* Oh no the neko fans are coming.....
JJ Paul yes
*arming Heavy Bolters, calling the Adeptus Custodes and the entire might of the Imperium of Man* STOP
Alien sees toddler crying while watching a movie
Alien: Why is that human child crying. Is she hurt?
Human: No, she's watching Mufasa's death for the first time. It's a very sad scene. It's from the movie The Lion King, remember movies?
Alien: Yes but I thought movies were about fictional characters.
Human: most are. Including that one.
Alien: WHY IS SHE SAD ABOUT THE DEATH OF A FICTIONAL CHARACTER
Human: let's go watch the movie ourselves shall we?
Alien and Human get to the scene.
Human: this is the-
Alien: Waaaaaah!
MUFASAAAAAA
;~;
Jay Lawrence
Me:your right there is no reason. Hey wanna watch code Geass?
Alien:sure
*gets to the final episode*
Alien:*incoherent crying*
Me:do you get it now?
Human: It's called "Empathy", feelings other beings feelings, even if they don't exist.
Alien: And yet, you are still a barbarian species, even with this capacity..
You see Humans deliberately make us spend time getting to know these fictional characters so that when something bad happens to them, we get scared because of how attached we've become to certain characters
".....I thought this was entertainment, why does it involve death"
I mean there's plenty of fiction with constant death and gore everywhere, those just generally not directed for children to watch
"....."
@@pitioti empathy... ALSO work whit negative feelings... that include rage
And whit rage And hate it's grown exponentialy
Alien: Human, why are you carrying that small tree part?
Human: What? Oh, I just got a bunny and it needs wood to chew on.
Alien: What is a bunny, and why does it need to chew on wood?
Human: It's proper name is a rabbit, but both work. It's a prey species that has long floppy ears and extremely soft fur. Here, I'll show you (gets bunny)
Alien: It is tremendous! Your species must do everything in it's power to protect them, yes?
Human: ...well, actually some people kill them.
Alien: Is their meat viable for humans?
Human: Wild ones yes, but the domesticated kind aren't edible.
Alien: Oh, so they kill the wild ones for food
Human: ...well...
Alien: What is it...?
Human: Some people kill both wild and domestic rabbits solely for their soft fur to make coats and line shoes with.
Alien:... Why do you have one...?
Human: Because I love them! They're sweet and cuddly, and can be jerks at times, but I needed a friend.
Alien: (sighs in relief) Good, you still haven't explained the wood.
Human: Oh, they have long, extremely sharp teeth that can seriously hurt you, and they never stop growing. They need to chew on wood to file them down.
Alien: (Shocked silence)
(audible shocked silence)
@@Dracophile7 Actually there are many varieties of domesticated rabbits that are primarily raised for food.
H: wait some animals die from their own over grown horn or teeth
A: that is... Disturbing
H: well they need the sharp teeth to get at tough roots. In the wild anyway. A: but why the continuous growth? That seems...counterproductive H: I don’t know. It’s not the weirdest mouth we’ve had evolve here. Sarcastic fringe mouth bass and the helicon shark come to mind.
It’s the proper name of a rabbit
[Alien learns about torture]
A: Human, I've read some of your history books and I have... Some questions.
H: What is it?
A: This... Thing. Called torture, it doesn't say much on the book, but it says it's used to get information out of people.
H: Yeah, that's correct.
A: Define "Torture".
H: Well, it's where one human hurts another human to get information out of them. Humans can take the pain, but eventually they break and they tell them everything just to stop the pain. Some are trained to endure it until the torturers decide to kill them because they are useless. Also some are trained to kill themselves if they are caught by the enemy to avoid giving out info. These are called "Spies" who sneak in the enemy base to find info for the benefit of their team. If they are ever caught, they would use this thing called a suicide pill. It has a lethal element which name I forgot. But they swallow it to kill themselves.
A: _Wha....Why....When..._
*Alien screams of horror and despair. Crying, running to his stasis pod to rest for 1 year*
Potassium cyanide.
I must protest, the correct definition of Torture is "Torture is when somebody in an official capacity inflicts severe mental or physical pain or suffering on somebody else for a specific purpose." for Amnesty International ^^
Also, torture is one of the least effective methods for gathering information. More often than not, a person will just say what they think you want to hear, just to make the pain stop. The CIA avoids using torture not for moral or ethical reasons, but because it doesn't actually work.
@@Parker8752 depends on thresholds. A certain pain worse than the pain of telling or it's consequences usually gets people to talk. People choose that. Police use it all the time. It's why those who speak (what some call snitches. the proper term would be witness or informant, or such, depending on the scenario) are usually not as bad as their comrades think they are. It's quite effective. Though the hypocritical betrayal from their comrades and the alienation they usually get afterward is usually worse than what the comrades do to them. The exile hurts them more. This is the strategy, or they can keep someone who is compromised. They won't. So it separates and divides those who are wrong. It's cruel, but it's considered deserved or justified cruelty.
The kill pill's called Cyanide
Alien: human! Is it true that your species thought you your planet was flat?
Human: ha! yeah we also thought that the sun revolved around us!
Alien: .....of course you did.
Human: Some people still think the earth is flat. To this day.
Alien: what?
Human: yeah they think a round earth is all a lie from our governments.
Alien: I will never understand this species
Homestuck Trashcan Shipper
Me: Neither will I, buddy... Niether will I...
viktor horvat humans are such strange creatures
Homestuck Trashcan Shipper
That is why I admire them... US! I MEAN US!
viktor horvat yeeeeeeeah US Heh heh.. We are totally hooman
Human: some people think Australia is fake!
Alien: how do they miss an entire continent?!?!?
Human: they are stupid
A: why would you watch such gruesome things as "slasher flicks"
H: we enjoy the adrenaline spike we get from the intense scenes
A: but it leaves some of you fearful and unable to rest?
H: yea but we still enjoy them for some reason
A: what about the people who laugh during the horrific violence? Have they undergone genetic alterations to feel no fear?
H: no they just understand it's fake and find the panicked actions idiotic
A: (scribbles something in notepad) you are a weird species
H: well....I guess you could say that
A: what about these "war documentaries"
H: some people watch them to understand combat of previous generations to help us progress
A:...and the others?
H: they watch them to live vicariously
A: interesting to say the least
(2 humans converse about Terminator movies and how they would fight back)
A: are they plotting a rebellion against this "terminator"?
H: nah they're just saying they wish they could live in the movie to fight back
A: you mean people actually *want* to be at war with a far superior enemy?
H: yea...kinda?
A: i....should be going
Take me with you!
You don't understand the thrill of a real battle! The blood dripping down your face, the heavy breathing, the adrenaline rush of combat, the knowledge that if you don't surpass your worldly limits, YOU'LL DIE!! Go ask Saitama how being at the top feels, then maybe you'll understand....
Or, think about trying to beat nations of GODS with nothing but your inferior wit! Knowing that your enemy can outthink anything you could ever come up with, one wrong move meaning certain death, not having the strength, knowledge, or even ability to fight, but doing it anyways, just to spite them! Look at them! Losing to a hairless monkey that brought itself into the world, AND MAKING IT EVERY OTHER GODDAMN PERSON'S PROBLEM!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
[HUMAN AND ALIEN WATCHING DEADPOOL]
A: Who is he talking to?
H: Us.
A: Oh, um...Hello, Deadpool.
H: Oh, he can't hear us.
A: Why not?
H: Because he’s not real.
A: But you said he's talking to us.
H: Uh, well, you see, Deadpool isn't real, but he knows he's not real.
A: What? If he isn't real, how can he talk to us?
H: Okay. He's not talking directly to us, but rather the audience in general. It makes it easier to write his lines that way.
A: If people write his lines, that means he isn't real?
H: That's right.
A: So you've created a fictional character that is aware he's fictional and addresses the audience, but really is fictional, even though you pretend he isn't?
H: Sort of?
A: Why?
H: Because it's funny?
A: I fear I will never truly understand you humans.
Deadpool coming out of nowhere: that where you're wrong!
Alien: (screaming)
Humans Explaining art:
A: Human David, what is this odd structure?
H: Oh, it’s a statue. It meant to represent something.
A: What does it represent? A significant even in your planets history? A cosmic event? Some sort of memory from the artist past?
H: Well, technically it could mean all of those things. Art just about expression and how you see the world. It can mean anything.
A: Fascinating... because I swear this looks like a near perfect replica of the Zerrak back on our home world.
H: Seriously? That’s so cool! What it like?
A: Oh they’re terrifying beasts, almost as large as three of your earth whales and covered in toxic spines. They fly around eating anything it sees including some of my former companions.
H: *stares in horror at statue*
IT'S THE WEEPING ANGELS ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!
But what was it a statue of!? As far as I know, most statues are of people in history. I can't remember any statues that look like "flying, spine-covered creatues the size of three whales."
Houston Laing Tell that to modern art. (And all those pics of people thinking a pair of glasses was ‘modern art’
Meh.
Considering all the stuff we already managed to do, we might as well domesticate those too.
I want this so badly and I am not even surprised
[Alien learns about musical instruments]
Human: *Plays ukulele quietly to self*
Alien: Human? What are you doing?
Human: ..Playing ukulele?
Alien: What is ukulele
Human: An... Instrument
Alien: Do you fight foes with it?
Human: no, we could, but no,
Alien: Than what are they used for?
Human: entertainment, making music, expression.
Alien: And... What is music?
Human: Oh, it's a bunch of sounds put together in a certain way to create an even better sound then you started out with.
Alien: I see
Human: Also, it could be used as a way to cope
Alien: Cope with what?
Human: Things related to depression
Alien: And, what's that?
Human: A sort of mental illness that makes you feel unending sadness.
Alien: I see, do you have depression?
Human: ...
Alien: .....?
Human: *sigh*
Alien: *Wraps human in a large hug*
Human: Thank you.
Human: Try this. *Puts headphones on alien*
*Aliens expression slowly starts turning from confused to happy*
AWWW THATS SO CUTE
THE FEEEEELS
Aaaawww! That's so good! I like this hug alien a lot.
As a Scot, I feel I should point out that there *are* implements useful for both song and violence. Bagpipes, for instance, function as both beautiful musical instruments and long-range artillery.
Clockwork Kirlia holy fuck
Clockwork Kirlia I’m sorry, WHAT? How do you use bagpipes as artillery?
The human and alien are at an amusment park
Alien:(Points at rollercoster) What is that?
Human: Thats a rollercoster, its a type of ride.
Alien: How does it work?
Human: You go in a cart and, the cart moves at insane speeds in different angles and directions and you stop.
Alien: Doesn't that hurt humans?
Human: Well, the speed and angles can make you nauseous.
Alien: So, your species go on rides that can make you sick from those things alone?
Human: Yes, and we are going on it! (Grabs alien's arm and drags him along)
Alien: No, no WAIT!
*alien puking noises and groans*
EDIT: I thought your reply was the human saying it was awesome, and I just realized that my reply doesn't make sense when put together with yours.
This is awkward.
it most certainly does still make sense! A just needs to develop the stomach for what their mind already knows they like!
And so, the human learned what "Corrosive Digestive Liquidifcation Fluid" meant
Do not pulp the space friend.
Human: *goes to a laser show*
Alien: Human, what are you doin- HOLY LEADER OF KRAAZ WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
Human: Haha! No, these lasers are harmless. I mean, they can really hurt your eyes, depending on the intensity of lasers, even going as far to make you blind, but it’s really pretty and a lot of people love ‘em!
Alien: But, they’re still dangerous? Right?
Human: Uh, yeah, sometimes.
Alien: You... you know what? I’ll be in my sleeping pod, I will see you whenever September ends.
Human: WAIT DID YOU JUST-
Other Human: *hides phone and takes out earbuds* I’M LISTENING TO ELVIS I SWEAR
best plot twist 2k18😂😂
I did not understand the last part...
Wake Me Up When September Ends is a song by Green Day.
Alien: Human, what is that other human consuming?
Human: *sigh*
Alien: What?
Human: He's eating a Tide Pod.
Alien: What is this Tide Pod?
Human: It's used to make your clothes clean.
Alien: Are there any benefits in eating these Tide Pods?
Human: Humans record themselves eating them, then they post it on websites like RUclips so they can get tons of views.
Alien: No I mean like, are there any nutritional values in eating them?
Human: Unless you count chemical poisoning, choking, and most likely vomiting as nutritional values, then no there are none.
Alien: WHAT?!
Human: Trust me, your not the only one who doesn't understand it.
Temmie sup Temmie can I buy the Tem Armor in T-Rex size please?
Rexy TRex yAyA
Temmie thanks Temmie gives 9999 G
Alien: Human, what is that other human consuming?
Human: *sigh*
Alien: what?
Human: He's eating -a tide pod- *TEM FLAKE*
arcanom an original breakfast!
[LOG START]
Day one. Time, 1900 hours. Visual translators have been completed. With this we can now study written logs from the humans. One of the crew members, our crews "scholar," as she calls herself, brought me to what she called a "library" today. She said that I can use the visual translator to examine some of these logs which they call "books." She handed me a book titled "To Kill A Mockingbird." I'm not surprised that these barbarians have a log, or book, this large completely dedicated to killing what I was told was a harmless avian. She said it was a "classic" story that she wished to share. She seemed excited about it and thought that I'd enjoy the book. I suppose I'll humor her. We Keleons do enjoy learning things in a safe matter like reviewing logs, so maybe I will enjoy it. I'll log my thoughts as I "read."
Day three. Time, 0900 hours. I finally finished the book. It was an odd format for a log so I asked the human about it and she told me it was "fiction." Apparently the events in the book did not happen in real life. I was relieved to know that as I felt bad for the humans in the book, and I'm glad to know that no one was actually hurt. But this is so confusing. Why would anyone feel the need to document events that never happened? I have business to attend to so I can't ask her now, but I'll make sure I ask her.
Day three. Time, 1100 hours. I have been informed that writing these books are a form of human art. There's no real reason other than expression. No other purpose. It seems like another waste of time humans have made. I'll have to do more research. The human has given me another fiction book called "Lord Of The Flies." She gave me a few more to study when I've finished. I'll update the log once I've finished.
Day nine. Time, 0300 hours. I finished all of the books the human has given me and I believe I'm beginning to understand the purpose of fiction. I felt drawn in to each story, connected to each character. I felt so many emotions and thought about so many things that I would never have even known of on Keleon. This seems to be a result of human creativity. An expression of thought and emotion that serves no other purpose other than to exist for others to experience. Perhaps these barbarians are smarter than I initially believed. Perhaps I'll have to look into human creativity a bit more.
[LOG END]
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
So yeah, I decided to write a thing to add. I'm debating between titling it "Books" or "Creativity." If you post it then I'll let you pick either one.
"books", definitely
No creativity
Ghost Of The Stars
For some reason i feel inspiring
A part on how the alien understands that most stories are just huge metaphors and similes, and many /could/ be true (say tom Sawyer), if not down to the fine details...
also, aliens discovering science fiction would be hilarious! (and how lots of it was quite predictive, see the dude who thought up skype in the 1820's
Creativity YASS
A:Hi human I am back with your food you need to stay ali- OH MY GOSH WHAT IS THAT?!?
H:Oh it is just my pet cat
A:NO IT IS A TINY LION! WHAT HAS IT DONE TO THE PLACE!?!
H: They are related to lions but aren’t lions. Also they scratched some things up
A:Why do you have such a creature?
H:For companionship. Do you not have an animal companion?
A:I do but I use them for hunting
H: Ok let me see your pe- OH MY GOSH A DRAGON! RUN!
A: This is not a dragon, it is a wyvern. Closely related to dragons
H:KEEP ME AWAY FROM IT!
A:THEN KEEP ME AWAY FROM THE TINY LION!
How did you not notice a wyvern when it was close enough for you to see it?
Houston Laing
I don’t know. The human needs glasses
*inhale* *exhale* wYVERNS
This made my frickin day
Rexie ze Raptor I corrected it don’t yell at me
A: Human! What is this metal rod?
H: Oh- That's a gun.
A: *Looks down barrel* What does it do?
H: It's the Earth equivalent of your vaporization rays.
A: WHOA! *Jerks head back*
H: Yeah. It's very dangerous.
A: So it vaporizes your enemies?
H: Oh no. It fires metal balls to create holes in the skin
A: And then it kills them?
H: Only if it hits a vital organ. And even then it could take a long time, and be really painful.
A: *Stammering* SAVAGES! Gl'ox'vtyol would NEVER approve!
H: There are certain projectile varieties that, according to international laws and agreements, are illegal for militaries to use in warfare.
Now shall we introduce them to EXPLOSIONS!
K'lex'or I have one question for you; *EXPLOSIONS?!*
H: *puts his airsoft gun on a shelf*
A: Aaah, another one of your "guns", i presume. This one looks rather nice.
H: No no, this is only a toy.
A: A toy? What is it used for?
H: Adult humans like to use them for fun.
A: oh, i see, you test your marksmanship skills with them!
H: No, we shoot each other with them!
A: .... Does it hurt?
H: A little bit, yeah
A: You humans seem to enjoy pain too much... What is that thing on the side of the gun?
H: This? It's a laser pointer, to help me a-
A: I GIVE UP!!! FORGET PAIN, YOU FILTHY HUMANS ARE OBSESSED WITH LASERS!!!
@@CRO_Bash95 me: wait till you see our sci-fi media, Ark'klonia. Almost, if not all of them; has laser in various shapes and sizes. There's this anime from millennia back that has ring laser-
A: (alien screaming noises)
Me: imma firing mah lazah! XDD
*This is the kind of science fiction that I wanted to see in Amazing Stories magazine.*
Human: Playing Super Mario World
Alien: What are you doing?
Human: Oh, I’m playing a game called Super Mario World.
Alien: Oh! What is the plot of “Super Mario World”?
Human: Well, you play as a plumber who is going through different locations and using power-ups to defeat enemies, jump on platforms, and defeating a giant anthropomorphic turtle called Bowser. Bowser has captured Princess Peach, the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom.
Alien: So... You’re trying to defeat a turtle in order to save a princess named after a fruit and return her to a kingdom named after a group of fungi?
Human: ....Yeah
Alien: Why are some humans so weird?
Human: I’m not sure.
CORRECTION:
-Why are humans so weird?
-Japan
Human: Is playing Mario &Luigi: Superstar Saga.
Alien, What are you doing?
Oh, I'm playing Mario and Luigi, they just came out with a remake of the original.
Oh! What is the story?
This witch named Cackletta stole Princess Peach's voice.
Alien: What!? Why, How?!
Human: Dunno, but she wants to use her voice to activate the Bean Star.
Alien: What does it do?
Human: Grant wishes.
Alien: Why is that kind of power just lying about!?
Human: It isn't.
Alien: Oh thank the origin.
Human: So she tricked Mario into releasing the seal.
Alien: All by herself!?
Human: No, she has an assistant named Fawful, He's hilarious.
Alien: "Mustard of your doom"? That can't be grammatical correct.
Human: He isn't, and that's what makes him funny.
Alien: You humans just keep bringing up questions.
Alien: Who's the green one?
Human: That's Luigi, Mario's brother.
Alien: How is he different?
Human: physical or mentally?
Alien: The latter,.
Human: He's really scared by the stuff his brother gets up to.
Alien: Then why is he following him?
Human: So he can help his brother and become more confident.
Alien: That's beautiful *starts to cry*
Human: While Mario is the hero and fights the dragon, Luigi is the thinker and fights his fears.
Alien: You humans never ceases to amaze me.
It's because they ate the mushrooms.
GD ArcticWolf622 (pokes head out in the doorway)
Me:We dropped a nuke on them.
A: Human Alex where is human Susan?
H: Oh, she's in bed with a cold
A: Cold?
H: Yeah
A: she's in bed because of the low temperature?
H: No, a cold is the name of an illness
A: Illness?
H: yes, a disease
A: define this disease
H: It's bacteria in our body that's trying to kill us
A: what?!
H: Yeah, cancer is the worst
A: is there anyway to defend against these?
H: some can be stopped with rest and others need extreme medication or surgery
A: is there any way to prevent you from getting them?
H: yes
A: how?
H: Usually through an injection
A: how does this work
H: we sta-
A: Wait, does it hurt
H: yes
A: *sigh* how
H: we stab a needle filled with a weakened version of the disease to teach our immune system to fight it
A: does it work?
H: most of the time
A: *shakes head dissapiontingly and sighs*
TheSquidShack a cold is a virus...
Its better stab ourselves whit a needle fucking painful than diying slowly by the disease
Robby I knew someone was going to post this
Cancer isn't bacteria either.
Its also not a weakened version. Its a dead version of a previously known and common strains
Alien: Human, could you come over here for a second?
Human: Yes, what is it?
Alien: (Pointing at screen) What is this... "anime"?
Human: Oh, remember when I told you about animation?
Alien: Yes, colorful hell or whatever, what about it?
Human: Well, err... Anime is, let's say, a "style" of animation, usually created by the Japanese...
Alien: ...
Alien: ...Define "Japanese"...
Human: *Oh boy...*
Human: Well, you see this Archipelago, on the Fire Belt...
Alien: Wait... Don't tell me one of the wealthiest and most advanced nation on your planete is build on a bunch of Island filled with volcano and constantly threaten by earthquacck 0.0
Human: .... Yes ?!...
Alien: How they managed to not being killed?!
Human:... They did, lots of people died during each Tsunami or Earthquacck, but they learned and adapted themself.
pitioti
Other human: don’t forget about the 2 things the Americans dropped on them
Alien: what is he referring to human
Human: during the 2nd world war the japanese refused to surrender and were responsible for countless war crimes, so to save more lives america dropped 2 atomic bombs on them
Alien: a bomb is a powerful explosion and an atom is a building block of the universe, how do those correlate?
Human: well when you split an atom it releases alot of energy which was what the atomic bomb was-
Alien: ok how much destruction did it do?
Human: wiped 2 cities off the map, blinded any survivors and left a great deal of radiation in locations.
Alien: and you dropped 2 on them?
Human: yes... but it did end the war.
Alien: so there was no more fighting?
Human: actually it almost led to nuclear annihilation
Aliens: note to self dont let humans near our weaponry
@@TheGameMage_
Human: Speaking of weapons... Back then we had the choice of either developing the atom bomb, or going with Tesla's invention, which would've been an electric death ray for defense against airstrikes, and of course the U.S. chose the former.
Alien: Why?! Such a defensive weapon could prevent war!
Human: That's exactly what people thought, but everybody decided it would require far too much energy to operate and the U.S. really wanted the war to be over before Japan caused too much damage.
Alien: Not only are you humans extremely barbaric as I have been made aware of thus far, but you must have a serious energy crisis. More advanced defensive beams exist on my home planet and they are powered effortlessly, we discovered a way to draw energy from antimatter a long time ago.
Human: Ahh... yeah, for centuries lots of countries here had issues with relying too much on fossil fuels, struggling to switch to nuclear or renewable resources, and back then antimatter stuff seemed way out of our league.
Alien: What are you talking about? My civilization invented antimatter reactors during our industrial revolution. And what exactly is a "fossil fuel"? I do not see how skeletons of animals buried deep underground have anything to do with energy production.
Human: I don't know a whole lot about how it works, that's not my field of study, but basically the remains of ancient animals, being exposed to Earth's crust, slowly get broken down into chemicals such as oil and coal that could be refined and burned to produce energy, often as kinetic energy or as electricity. And we had not yet discovered antimatter when our industrial evolution began.
_The alien begins to have a mental breakdown over the stupidity of humans_
Alien: Wouldn't burning those chemicals produce waste products?! What do you do with all that waste?!
Human: For the longest time most people didn't care, and waste was just released into the atmosphere. It caused a phenomenon called "global warming".
Alien: ...
...
Why do you imbeciles like to harm your home planet so much?!
Human: Now we're getting off topic! I brought up the death ray thing earlier because apparently many people theorize that Tesla was given the ideas for some of his inventions by aliens. Your thoughts on that?
Alien: Wh- wh-
First of all! If my race actually visited yours back then, Tesla's invention would be far deadlier than just an "electric beam", and it would be easier to power too! Not that we would let you barbarians near our weaponry in the first place anyway!
Second! What's with you humans constantly blaming everything on extraterrestrials?! It wasn't too long ago you told me about that "raid Area 51" nonsense!
Human: Erm... That's just what conspiracy theorists did back then, I guess. Back then humanity did not yet have confirmed interactions with aliens, and lots of people liked to believe they existed anyway, and believed that our governments were hiding aliens from us. They had the wildest imaginations and thought that the truth lied in Area 51.
Alien: ...
...
*_CONFUSED SCREAMING_*
@@rougered580 maybe
*An Alien telling a Human about FTL*
Human: So you can go faster than light?
Alien: Correct Human Tod, a truly marvelous way to travel.
Human: That's amazing! How do you handle the tremendous G forces?
Alien: Well you see, before we begin the sequence, we stick a rare worm with giant glowing antenna into one of our audio orfices! True symbiosis, they wiggle into our brain and release a chemical that helps ease the stress of FTL!
Human: *Trying not to vomit* Oh.. okay that's... Disturbing
Alien: ......really
Alien: Did you forget what your kind has done!?
Human-No?.....
Crazy Riza
Human: I remember, but no one in the modern age has put any kind of squirmy wormy thing in us!
OH GOD NO
Massages
Alien: Human John, why is that woman making those noises? Is she having sexual intercourse?
Human: Oh she's getting a massage
Alien: What is a...massage?
Human: Oh basically you go to a professional (called a "masseuse") to help with body pain/aches and he/she applies pressure in said areas to relieve you of pain by stimulating more pain
Alien: So basically what you're telling me is that when you humans feel pain, you treat it by causing more pain?
Human: I mean it feels good tho...
Alien: What is that white sheet convering her body, is it necessary in this pain stimulating process?
Human: No, that's just to cover her body. People have to get naked for body massages
Alien: You're telling me that people willing strip themselves naked in front of a total stranger and just trust this person to not accidentally kill you while applying pressure in already sore spots?
Human: y-yea..
Alien: That's it. I'M OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE
A massage can kill you?
@@CasualFire the likely hood is low, but like everything else, its possible. Loosening blood clots, damaging tendons/nerves, agravating already existing conditions.
And humans are squishy. Just fact
Wait till he learns of Cupping and waxing
Human: (watching JW Fallen Kingdom)
Alien: what is this
Human: oh it’s a movie
Alien: about what?
Human: cloned dinosaurs escaping a volcanic Island and then getting captured
Alien: I have a dinosaur
Human: sure you d-
Alien: ( a pack of Velociraptors come in)
Alien: LOOK!
Human: wha- HOLY SHI*
Alien: cool right?
Human: can I have one (starry eyed)
Alien: NO! I’m scared of what you’ll do if you get one
Human: awwww
Me: *Unpacks the cloning machine*
@@sderoz40 me: snaps fingers raptors notice me in the corner and walk over *clicks button on arm pad so I can talk to them*
A: um what did you do
Me: I'm taking your raptors bye *raptors follow behind I grab my rifle* I'm going hunting in need hunting partners
A: *looks confused*
Man
@@sparkthefloofyprotogen3556 Why would you want a dinosaur that doesn't hunt in packs for a pack hunt?
*a family
A: Human what’s this?
H: Oh, this is a garden! We grow things in them
A: Do you grow Humans in gardens?
H: No, no, we grow plants, those things I told you about when you got here.
A: is it of the food variety? Do you consume theses colorful plants?
H: Not really, they’re more of a decoration. They’re called flowers by the way
A: does it induce pain? like the other past time you humans have?
H: occasionally, but it doesn’t hurt too much
A: may I try to grow these ‘flowers’
H: only some flowers induce pain such as roses but others are harmless and smell nice
A: and why would a human grow a rose? self-torture like your species seems to enjoy?
H: no roses are extra pretty and if you are careful they don't hurt basically a reward for being careful
A: that does not line up with a lot of your species other choices
Alien learns about Skyrim
H: *playing Skyrim*
A: what are you doing human jack?
H: playing agh skyrim. Fighting a dragon
A: WHAT WE NEED TO MAKE SURE IT CAN'T ESCAPE WE NEED IT FOR RESEARCH
Just wait until he sees the Kajhiit.
Yeah, I spelled it wrong. I haven't played it in a while, even though it's my favourite game ever. Plus, it's 2am and I'm tired. At least I can name most of the elves...
Altmer - high elves
Dunmer - dark elves
Bosmer - wood elves
Orsimer - orcs ( ? elves)
Dwemer - dwarves (deep elves)
Falmer - snow elves (also known as "the betrayed" by some uncorrupted Falmer)
Not sure about the Chimer, think they became the dunmer based on an in-game book, but I don't really know.
Just realized I'm rambling. I really should get some sleep. 😴
@@CasualFire most altmer should die slowly and painfully
@@decade0240
Eh, some aren't that bad. But most of them can be politely described as "stuck-up snobs"
@@CasualFire The chimer are ancient Dunmer. They were also light skinned than their dark skinned cousins. They fought the Nords I believe.
Some say the Chimer are also ancient Altmer.
[A] Human, why are you crying?
[H] *Sniff* I... I... BWAHAHA
[A] No, Human! Please don't secrete tiny droplets of liquid sadness from your eyes any longer!
[H] She's... she's gone...
[A] What? Who's gone?! Do you need chocolate? Soup? A hug?!
[H] ....yeah...
[A] There there human... Now, tell me what's brought such sadness upon you. Who has left you?
[H] My favorite character just died...
[A] C- character...? As in fictional?
[H] Yeah, but I got so attached, reading her adventures and stuff... and now she's dead! *starts sobbing again*
[A] But... they aren't even real. They never were alive in the first place!
[H] ...don't judge me...
I haven't watched Red Vs Blue season 16 yet (the latest one that I know of) but I've watched the rest (1-15) and still get sad that Church is gone. He was, in my opinion, the best part of RvB.
Goodbye, Church. At least you're out of Blood Gulch... It's what you wanted most.
I know
*liquid* *sadness*
*two humans casually talking about space travel in the background.*
"I mean, we *totally* would use light speed travel as a weapon, "
*the conversation continues as if nothing strange was said meanwhile the alien roommate is sweating and shivering nervously while screaming internally.*
Think about all the force that it can generate? One ship that can travel at the speed of light can decimate even the biggest star on our universe if it was to come in contact with it
A: Human what are you eating?
H: Oh, it a hot dog
A: What! you eat the heated meat of that lovable pet
H: Oh, no no no! it's made of cow meat
A: How is that any better
Some people eat dogs though
...
COW meat?
Isn't it sausages made of PIG meat??
It’s like this silly series about an alien judging humanity, has been transformed into a series about the human race, and how wondrous and strange it is, and how different it is to the rest of the universe. How unique it is. How it is the only race to reach for the stars and really touch them.
Dustinisnot indeed
Ha! Gaaaaaaayy
Human making rockets
H1: I wanna go to the moon
H2: Me too
HNerd1: I have this thing that uses the same concept used in the internal combination engine.
H1: Can you use it to bring us to the moon?
HNerd2: Yeah, but we need a way for you to survive space
H2: Perfect, lets slap it onto a vessel full of explosives
A listening on conversation: Oh great they invented space vehicle- wait did they say explosives?
This is perfect XD
@@primary2630 I mean you're not wrong? but i mean come on.
Human: *Swimming in a pool*
Alien child: Human, what is that?
Human: What is what?
Alien Child: The one you're in
Human: Oh this? This, Brainy, is a pool
Alien Child: And you?
Human: You swim in it, the one I'm doing right now
Alien child: Oh! Where else do you swim?
Human: Beaches... Just, anything with water. But be careful cause you can die from it. Like drowning, get a shark attack, etc.
Alien child: Then... Why are you... Still in there?
Human: Cause it's a good way to relax and plus, you don't die from a sweet swimming pool! You can drink water too like what I just did before I went here
Alien child:... You can die from water when not careful but you CARELESSLY JUMPED TWO STORIES HIGH TO GO TO YOUR POOL!? Dear Stars you humans are FUCKED UP LITTLE SHITSAKES
That is a very... expressive... child.
Houston Laing
A four year old once told me that, I just said "You fucked up, ya little shitsake" (I was talking to her big bro who was ten AKA a rebel) and the next two days, the four year old said to me "You Fucked up little Shitsake!" *ENTHUSIASTICALLY* . Seems to me that four years olds pick up bad things more than the good things (This is another reason why I hate babysitting and love em)
Human: Language!
Me: NOW SMALL ALIEN CHILD WHERE DID YOU LEARN THOSE WORDS!!!???
@@pineapple7011
LMAO
this remembers me.
The first time I learned about sex was wen I was around 6-8 years old, the worst part? I learned it from my also 6-8 years old CLASSMATES.
alien: Human, I have just found this thing called hentai, can you please explain to me what this is.
Human: ...um... remember when you asked me what porn was?
alien: "sigh"...are you telling me that this is another for of mating that you humans enjoy watching.
human: not exactly...there are some people in the world who enjoy this more do to the fact that it is a cartoon... but.
alien: what?
human: it gets wierd... like alien tenticles attacking wierd.
alien: WAIT WHAT! WHY WOULD YOU HUMANS DEPICT US LIKE THAT! AND WHAT KIND OF FREAK ENJOYS THIS!
Me- *in the background* I DO, ALSO, WE SOMETIMES WATCH RAPE AS WELL!!!
Human 2 : hey bro can i borrow your...... oh...... *slowly close the door*
...
Otakus and Japanese people not all
RIKI TIKKI ...
Alien:so human. Why do you like comfort but also like things that stimulate pain?
Human:errrrrrrrr uuuummm maybe at certain times either or both are... needed?
Alien:(wtf is wrong with dis species like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-)*ALIEN INTENSIFIES*
Alien: Human, what is that strange looking spaceship?
Human: Oh, that's not a spaceship, it's an airplane. It's like a less advanced spaceship.
Alien: LESS advanced? If it's less advanced, how is it flying on it's own?
Human: Just because it's less advanced than a spaceship doesn't mean it can't fly.
Alien: No, that's not what I meant. I meant how is flying like that? It has no plasma jets, no photon boosters, nothing!
Human: Oh, it doesn't need those to fly.
Alien: But despite the fact that it can fly perfectly without proper equipment, is still somehow less advanced than spaceships?
Human: Yep.
Alien: .....Give me a sec. (walks into room) *WHAT THE FU-*
Qhahahahhaahha
Human: *Follows Alien * Calm down. Let me explain. Some airplanes use what we cal Jet Turbine, which is basically a huge fan that sucks air in at extreme speeds, and in combination with tilted wings, gives enough propulsion to lift off
Alien: *Looks at the human amazed* That's... actually ingenious, who thought of such thing?
Human: Well... this is a debatable thing. Many great men contributed to this invention. From Da Vinci to Santos-Dumont and beyond...
Alien: At least once, your species amazes me
Me wearing a tinfoil hat: That or we salvaged the design from a old alien ship.
But like manipulation of air currents isn't THAT hard to grasp and can be gleaned quite easily
@@KlavierMenn H: also those turbines sometimes suck some birds and end up grinding them into thousand of pieces
Alien : what are you doing?
Human:... im not confortable telling it
Alien : why?
Human: you see us humans sometimes while watching porn we do something else...
Alien: what is it?
Human:i dont wanna explain it
Other human: *explains*
*akward pause*
Alien: WHAT THE F-
[Alien learns about braces]
A: Human what are those metal bits and wires in your mouth?
H: Oh, these? These are my braces.
A: What function do they serve?
H: Well some humans teeth don't line up properly so we glue braces to the and use wires to pull them into place over time.
A: That sounds painful.
H: Yeah but we have to fix it or it'll cause problems later in life. You get used to the pain, though. What really sucks are the limits on what I can eat with them.
A: What do you mean?
H: Well the brackets, the larger bits, can fall off if we eat things that knock them loose. Then there's the cleaning-
A: Cleaning?
H: Oh, yeah. Things can get caught in the wires or around the brackets and if we keep them there our gums can swell and we need to laser surgery to get them back to normal.
A: THE LASERS AGAIN?!?!
repost
yeah, repost
Are you saying I reposted this? Because I didn't, I wrote it myself. I've commented this on a few of Seymour's videos but I still wrote it.
Humans and their damn lasers
LASERS ARE GREAT!
Alien: Askegree
Human: What? I'm sorry, I think your translator is broken.
Alien: no, it seems to work okay... Wait, what if you humans just don't have a word for this?
Human: try to explain to me what did you mean.
Alien: well, in this situation, I used this word as a greeting, basically. But you see, it also is a name for an emotion that I currently feel and the intonation I've said that with implies how long and how informative I predict this conversation should be.
Human: so what do you feel and how long will this conversation be?
Alien: I already feel uncomfortable because I thought it would be what you call "a short chat", but it becomes more of an "aromingroo" - an explanational talk, usually used for lectures, but more emotional. My first emotion tho was, as the word stated, "askerin". It's difficult to explain because this word is made up, mostly. It's something between "askoromin" and "yiroin".
Human: *cold sweating* and what do those mean?
Alien: Well, these emotions kinda feel the same as they sound?? Askoromin is quick, playful, enjoyable, energetic but controllable burst. Yiroin is kinda bored, but in a good way. I think it's called "chill".
Human: I will never learn Universal Galaxius Language.
*Alien walking to a girl playing Kingdom Hearts*
Alien: Human, what is this game you are playing?
Female: Huh? Oh! This is Kingdom Hearts, it's a game about this boy Sora and his friends saving different worlds from this old guy called Xehanort and his 13 vessels
Alien: Why do they carry those large keys? *looks at the screen confused*
Female: Oh those are keyblades, they're the weapon you use to stop the heartless
Alien: What is a "heartless"?
Female: *pauses her game and shows him on her phone* There's a bunch of them, and when a heartless is made from a strong willed person a nobody is made
Alien: I'm very confused
Female: So is the rest of the fandom, hell! We're still confused on how Xehanort split his heart into 12 pieces and possessed some of the characters to make them evil!
Alien: WHAT?! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!
Female: He can also time travel and nearly made Sora into his thirteenth vessel
Alien: HE'S SUCCEEDED WITH OTHERS?!
Female: Lucky for you I'm playing as Terra in Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep
Alien: *sits down next to the female and unpauses so he can face Xehanort*
**some time later after the Xehanort Boss fight**
Alien: I HAVE DONE IT!
Female: Way to go man you did it!
*cutscene starts playing and the Alien sees Terra getting possessed*
Alien: WHA-?! BUT HOW I BEAT HIM!?!
Female: *pats the Alien's back* Welcome to my agonizing world
Female: Also the game has Disney characters in it
Alien: **confused and angry alien screams**
*BEGIN TRANSCRIPT*
“Well, our stunning good looks do a lo-”
“Well, if you were just going to monologue anyway, why’d you ask?”
“Well, newsflash, kid. You’re wrong anyway.”
“We’re terrified. We’re always fucking terrified. That’s our superpower. It’s the one thing you don’t have. You call what you have ‘fear’, but knowing that you’re likely to die isn’t fear. Avoiding a bad situation isn’t fear. It’s intelligence. We have something better.”
“Real. Primal. _Indestructible_. We’re not so far removed from the animals you see us as, y’know. Don’t act surprised; you’ve seen how much DNA we share with the chimps. You had evolved past all that by the time you got out here; what use did terror have in your towering citadels? It was starting to leave us too, when we left our little blue pearl.”
“But in space… oh yes, in space it has its uses. We tell our little jokes, not to keep calm but to get the juices running even faster. Adrenaline, epinephrine… whatever you want to call it. We don’t spit at danger, we embrace it. We take it as our own and we dance into the night eternal.”
“Oh god yeah. You know, we have horrors, thrillers, entire genres of entertainment based around simulating that feeling. We have rides that take us hundreds of feet up and drop us like a stone, movies that prey on our deepest depraved psychologies, tell each other stories in the dead of night just to see the fear light up in each others’ eyes. But that’s all fake. It’s nothing on the real thing. Running from lions or dodging lasers, it’s all the same.”
“We’re not fearless. We love fear, hate fear. Fear is your worst enemy and your best friend; either way, it’s not something you wanna lose to. But we could never live without it.”
“Hah, not exactly. Back on earth, I couldn’t cope. I was constantly terrified of nothing at all. I had all this power rushing through my head and nothing to do with it. It was eating me up inside. Constant, unending, _exhausting_ panic. Back in the wild, I would have been awesome. A hunter, defender, always alert and always on top of my game. The pride of my clan. But in the city I was pathetic. I couldn’t lash out at everything around me, so I turned it inwards. I… I hurt myself because there was nothing else to hurt."
"But out here… oh but out here I can do _anything._ The same thing that made me useless down there, the thing that humans have better than anything else in the galaxy, it gave me reflexes like a cat and eyes like a falcon."
"The saying is a lie, just a joke really, from some old movie. We love hearing the odds. It makes beating them so much more satisfying. Speaking of which, what would you say about the odds of breaking free of these cuffs?”
*END TRANSCRIPT*
Honestly I couldn't stop imagining the human as some sort of creepypasta. That made this awesome transcript a bit better, but it would've felt the same even if I didn't. Keep up your amazing work!
Aw thanks! I literally just wrote it on a whim after watching this video; I haven't really written anything creative in ages.
This is some of the most epic shit
SEYMOUR LOOKIT THISSSSSS
Aww thank you!
Clockwork Kirlia Wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it ;)
Human introduces Theme parks!
A:Human, i have a question for you.
H:Yes?
A:I saw on our schedule we were going to a "The me park", what is that?
H:Ohhhhhh, it is pronounced "Theeme" and it has exciting rides and food for entertainment, like rollerco-
A: Please do not tell me that these can kill humans.
H:...
H:only if things go terribly wrong.
A: And why is the first thing we are scheduled to do is a "FreeFall!!?"
H:you drop from an amazing height and experiance G-Forces stronger than-
A: I am staying on the ship! YOU. ARE. CRAZY HUMAN JARED, CRAZY!
H: NO.YOU.ARE.NOT! *human drags alien to the theme park*
They do the free fall.
(Decide the aliens reaction yourself.)
@@sderoz40 A: LET'S GO AGAIN!!!
@@Mattsimilate H: (exhausted) it's been 4 hours, we have to go home.
What about the wather-Parks?
There is that one extreme "slide", for all I know, it's also called "free fall"
in free fall, your g-force is literally 0
Human: *is in a dance party in splatoon 2*
Alien:what.is.this.
Human: im dancing with friends in a game where you are a squid or octo kid!
Alien: *judges human harshly*
H: Aw, c'mon, just try it!
A: Urgh, fine...
*2 days later*
H: Hey, man, can I use the switch now?
A: *hisses*
Switch: "Took a hit, Test failed."
Switch:test passed
A:*screams of joy*
H:wow! You passed that test finally!
A: now I just need to do the secret final boss!
H:oh no.....
Rhett Burk
Oh no indeed :P
Alien: Human Bryan, what are you watching?
Human: Oh, it’s a horror movie. Check it out.
Alien: Is that... Blood?! The stuff that comes out of humans when you die?!
Human: Yea, cool, right?
Alien: You think this is cool?! This is horrific!
Human: That’s why it’s called a “horror movie”. It’s a movie about horrible things.
Alien: Ah, so it is used for education of horrible things from history?
Human: ... No...
Alien: I swear if you say it’s for entertainment...
Human: ...
Alien: YOUR ENTIRE SPECIES IS SICK IN THE HEAD!
Human: i know right
Human in the distance:
If you think that’s messed up then don’t go on the internet!
TV: “According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.”
Alien: Um, human? What are you watching?
Human: *staring into the TV* Art.
Alien: Oh... I’ll leave you alone for a while...
This is good
YES
Laughs in Seinfeld
Holonet: “According to all known cultural and sociological schools of thought, there is no way that the species known as “Humans” should be able to sustain interpersonal relations with each other, much less other sentient races. Its habits are too self-destructive & rash to get ensure amicable or mutually beneficial exchanges of culture or trade. The humans, of course, rush off into the galaxy anyways. Because humans don't care what the galactic community thinks is impossible.”
Human: “HA! Suck it! Now where's those space babes!”
Alien: ... ... ... _facepalm_
You like jazz?
Part of me wishes this was real and not fictional
especially with the Dare to Dream short
Kal Skirata the dare to dream *long* as it’s like a minute longer than other ones
ShinyUmbreon if this were a long, then it'd basically be a novel
I wish it was real, because reading about all the crazy things we do, I just want to get off of this planet and out of the danger zone.
Oh, and to see new worlds and all that.
Same
A: let this thing down.
H: no. I can't.
A: this thing stop us from comunicate with each other. Let. It. Down.
H: I can't! See, every time I try it just pulling me into it!
A: I can't belive you. If I would have it I won't act like this.
H: here, try.
After few hours
H: give my phone back, it's mine!
A: but I don't want to!
Alien: Human, what is the purpose of this video?
Human: It's to help people relax and sleep
Other alien: *kills and murders people off set in video*
Alien: And humans sleep to the sound of other humans dying?
Human: Not the worse thing
Alien: What could be worse?
Human: Well there is tortured screams and the sound of corrupted birth people relax and fall asleep too
Alien: Are all humans like this?
Human: Not all i guess
Alien: That's confirming
Human: Yeah, it's really relaxing i even had trouble recording them at first. I kept falling asleep to them
Alien: *Backs away slowly.*
*Human with her pregnant wife in public*
Alien: Human Jeremey, I draw concern from that woman's stomach
Human: Hm? Oh she's pregnant
Alien: And what does being pregnant mean?
Human: Remember those videos I showed you in Incognito Mode?
Alien: Unfortunately...
Human: Sometimes, after that, a woman will have a nine month period where a baby grows in her stomach. At the end of the nine months, the baby is born, and the woman experiences severe pain, worse than anything they've felt in the previous nine months.
Alien: Wait, a woman experiences severe pain to give birth
Human: Yeah, and sometimes they want more kids
Alien: And this is exclusive to women?
Human: Kind of. Some men had surgery so the could get pregnant.
Alien: So you're telling me. Women are pregnant for nine months, experience pain they've never felt before, and yet want it to happen again. Not only that, but men also have dangerous experiments done on them to experience pregnancy. At least it couldn't get any worse.
Human: It's also the core reason for over-population
Alien: *WHY DO YOU NEVER LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES?!*
Human: Oh, and you can also have multiple children born at once
Allien: **uncontrollable mumbling and anger**
Temmie Ganimation Disorder at least children are worth it! It's not like there's very many other ways to have children.
Jay Lawrence
"Not very many other ways"
I'm not sure I want to know if there are "other ways"
Houston Laing Well you can adopt kids. If you want to have your own kids you need to be pregnant at some point.
Jay Lawrence
Oh... Adoption. I didn't think of that. That's not bad, guess I expected something weird because I watch too much Humans Are Space Orcs.
Edit: my phone posted this three times. Wtf?
Houston Laing Ha!😂
*Human is forging a fantasy weapon of his own*
Alien: "What are all those noises!? This is my day off!"
Human: "Whoops, sorry. Besides, why don't you enjoy this nice morning sun and the chirping of the birds?"
Alien: "Anyway, why are you hitting that sheet of metal with a hammer? Is it a ship's component? A ship's hull? What is it?"
Human: "I'm just forging. Turning this piece of metal into an art."
Alien: "Art? What are you trying to make with that?"
Human: "Umm... A hybrid between a Scimitar and a Katana."
Alien: "Scimitar and Katana. The weapon your early species used to kill each other, and you call it art!?"
Human: "You haven't drank some coffee ot something? Why so rough?"
Alien: "*under breath* What's coffee?"
Alien: "Anyway, you won't use that to commit harm, would you?"
Human: "Of course not. I make this only as a wall decoration."
Alien: "Ah, I see. So you too like to decora-"
Human: "And probably to cut a bad guy in half in case of a robbery or break-ins."
Alien: *sigh* "Why didn't I surprised..."
*A few days later*
*Alien came home late one evening, noticing a new item placed on the wall of the house*
Alien: "By. The. Stars."
Human: "So what'd you think? Pretty cool, huh?"
Alien: "You were right when you said it was an art. Are you secretly a master blacksmith!?"
Human: "What? Are trying to make me make things as gift for other sentient race in case we make contact with them?"
Alien: "Umm... Yes?"
Human: "I knew it."
Hey man, I am sitting on top of a massive pile of treasures from the multiverse. Like this sword here, just press this button, and, (FWOOSH) the blade lights itself aflame!
Nullblaster The Voidmaker *FIRE!*
Nullblaster The Voidmaker "Is it a cheap replica or something? Where did you find it? Stuck on a rock somewhere?"
i fucking love you people
I've coll magic weapons from across the multivers I got this one *picks up Thors hammer and puts it on the ground in front of me* and this one *I pick up the monkey Kings staff and lay it in front of me* and this one I stole from someone else 10 minutes ago *I pick up a sword and click a button and the sword catches fire* and then my price weapon *I pick up Excalibur and slide it in its holster which is attached to my belt* I like magic weapons
Humans are the line between genus and insanity
How can one have intelligence without insanity?
@@Dracophile7 true
Hehehe
Ge-nus
intelligence let's you know how impossible the odds of life and the universe existing is thus you have to be a little insane to get shit done.
A life without insanity is not life, trust me on this one.
(Human and alien eating sushi)
Alien: This is pretty good! Ooh, I see it comes with more of this "Earth Avocado" thing! (Eats it)
Human: Uuuuuuuuuuuuum, that's... not avocado.
Alien: ........(Warbled alien screeches)
SuperStar Swadloon was it Pistachio? (Cars 2 joke.)
@@dinodude8899 im like 80% sure it was wasabi
Bobby Crofts I was making a reference to Cars 2. Where Mater mistakes Wasabi for Pistachio ice cream.
Alien finds out about anime
H:*Watching anime* oh hey glabnar.
A:What is this weird cartoon you are watching?
H:Oh its called anime.
A:What is it about?
H:Well there is this guy that can just punch people and they just die but that makes his super hero life boring so he has to balance his life
A:That sounds.... weird but i kinda want to watch it with you
*10 hours later*
A:Human we ran out of snacks what do we do!
H:Just make past the last episode!
ONE PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNCHA!!!!!!!!!
Humans able to find there way out of any problem ether by thing or brute forcing though them with determination, you can't keep humanity down for long, we're just adapt to the situation
Human eating lucky charms
A: what are you doing?
H: eating breakfast.
A: what is in it?
H: a bunch of toxic chemicals. 😃
A: i am so done...
MY species LITERALLY breath What would be poison for a espécie tão NEED methane
Alien:... What?
A: Human? What is this thing called... "polybius"?
H: Oh, its an urban legend about a game that dosn't exist.
A: Wait, how do we know the name then?
H: According to the legend, that's the only thing that the CIA le-
A: Wait, why did the CIA get involved?
Other human: Sorry bud, can't let you know that
...
...
A: Human? What is this thing called... "polybius"?
Did he just use the flash thing from Men In Black?
*Human watching Independence Day or some other alien invasion film*
Alien: What are you observing?
Human: Oh, it's a movie about an alien invasion.
Alien: An alien invasion? I see. And are the aliens successful?
Human: Not really no.
Alien: Are there more of these movies?
Human: Yeah.
Alien: How many?
Human: A lot. And sometimes it can get... gruesome.
Alien: ...and this entertains humans?
Human: Yep.
Alien: *sigh* How draconian.
*Human playing pokemon*
H: Yes! My pokemon evolved!
A: EVOLTION!? I MUST GATHER THIS SPECIMEN FOR MY RESEARCH! *Yells as he leaps into the gaming room*
A:WHERE IS IT!?
H: Where's what?
A:The evolved mutant creature? I must contain it before it wreaks havoc.!
H: OOoohh.. That. It's in a game, Pokemon to be exact.
A: What is a... Pokey man?
H:A pokemon is a fake creature in a tv show, card game, and video game. for example, *Shows Alien the evolved pokemon* My Picu evolved into a Pikachu.
A: And what is this 'game'?
H: A game where you capture and train creatures to battle other creatures for fame and money.
A: So... gladiators, but with animals?
H: Now when you put it that way, it sounds abusive.. *Puts down DS*
Actually it's more akin to boxing or martial arts tournaments.
Ian Mox *pokes head in.*
“The anime clearly shows that Pokémon battle cause it’s fun for them! If they didn’t want to fight they could *EASILY* decimate their abusive trainers!”
Entry log 1, "the argument" Today I and a human got into an argument about love,she mentioned it while reading something called a 'book ' I said that it was an interesting way to reproduce,implying that it was nothing more than that,and I swear I saw a flame light in her eyes! She growled and said that she disagreed,I,curious,encouraged her to explain ,I remember the speech almost word for word 'I think that love is much more than just a simple way to reproduce,as you so kindly put it,just look at the examples of people who love eachother,but aren't able to have kids,I think that it's so complicated that even if you've experienced it,you still don't understand it,love is the most powerful emotion anyone can feel,it feels like being stabbed in the heart,only to realize your still standing,it feels like your whole world is standing infront of you,and this time it isn't a dream,it's real,it's almost too good to be true,and you still might feel as though your dreaming,and you never want to wake up,the phrase 'I love you ' might get tossed around,but when the heavensent person first says it to you,you know they mean it,and they feel the same when you say it back,and I've barely scratched the surface of it with only a few words ' I was amazed,and thought about for the rest of the day,by night I wasn't able to sleep,and by morning it was still the only thought on my mind,today though,when I looked at her,I couldn't look away,I felt a strong emotion in my chest,and it only strengthened when she smiled and waved at me,I think I might be starting to understand her previous words a little more....'
Awwww yeaaaa someones gotta continue this
[ Start recording 3128 ]
Human Eric challenged me to a game of “Tag”, a human game where they chase each other around and when a person is touched, everyone must avoid that person.
Human Eric suggested that she would be it, or the tagger. To me, that was strange, us Ex’Axtl are one of the fastest species around so I simply assumed I would win.
Oh, what I had coming for me.
When the game of “tag” started, I was already several meters from the human before they even started to move and I decided to rest against a tree.
And then Human Eric appeared.
I don’t know how they found me, I outran them by meters!
So I ran again, and again, and again, and again… Somehow, Human Eric always reappeared, not running, just walking at a fast speed. As they appeared again and again, I started to become exhausted, until I found myself wheezing against a tree.
“Found ya,” I whipped around to see Human Eric walking slowly towards me, smiling.
I backed myself up against the tree before sliding to the ground, finding myself trapped with nowhere to go. Then a realization hit me.
I realized why humans had such sharp incisors. I realized why their nails were so brittle. I realized why they sweat instead of simply panting.
Humans were predators disguised as prey. A terrifying species masquerading as weak creatures to attract prey like some sort of fleshy fly-trap.
“Tag, you’re it!” Human Eric ran away, like he didn’t scare scare the living quarsark out of me.
I tapped out of the game soon after and although all of that hurt my pride, I learned something.
*Never. Underestimate. Humans.* No matter what you’re doing.
[ End recording ]
It's even funnier imagining them playing with kids. haha
Alien: Human, what are you doing on that handheld device?
Human: Oh, I’m playing Pokémon! Right now I’m shiny breeding.
Alien: I’ve heard of this ‘Pokémon’ from other humans before, but what is a shiny?
Human: Basically a shiny is a pokémon that has a different color palette than normal and they’re very rare to come across without using methods to get them. Sometimes it takes hours or even days just to get one.
Alien: With how rare they are and how much time some waist to get one, I assume these shiny pokémon have some sort of advantage.
Human: Well...
Alien: is the only thing different about them the different color palette?
Human: yes
Alien: (sighs)
Well, a sense of individuality and accomplishment that comes from showing your willingness to work hard for something rare, I guess.
As the galaxy faces political unrest, a human meets with an alien leader to discuss their course of action.
Alien: with all the cultural differences between us, you may think that we are outside of war and violence. However, thst is far from the truth. Although I can thank you for introducing us to a few new weapons.
Human: if your talking about nuclear weapo-
Alien: that is exactly what I mean. You may be crazy, but not crazy enough to destroy your planet. But now thst you have other worlds to fall back on your still holding back. Your species has grown soft since the galactic union was formed. But now, as tentions rise, it is the perfect time to bring you back to your roots! And may be us as well.
Human: your gonna end up destroying the galaxy this way, we knew it 100 years ago when they were furst invented and we know it now.
Alien: a war on this scale is nothing like what you've had on earth. I don't need yoyr approval anyway.
The alien storms away leaving the human with a choice. Let the galaxy tear itself apart, or destroy it himself.
Or send an assassination strike, neutralize anyone with knowledge of the nukes. Desperate times, desperate measures.
Plus I would rather not live in the Fallout universe.
Houston Laing, better do it before they announce the plans to the galaxy.
Hmmmm... just had another idea. It's kind of more evil and I don't really like it, but this is war. Lives are at stake.
When the spec ops team goes in, have them plant charges on the nuclear warheads and if diplomacy doesn't work, we blow their nukes before they have a chance to launch. Pre-emptive strike.
I'm not a fan of nuking aliens in general, but if they want it that way, they can have it that way.
Am I evil? I don't want to be evil. Maybe I just read/play too many sci-fi things. Maybe it's just problem-solving skills that brought me these thoughts.
Houston Laing, but if all the nukes are gone conventional war could break out. As got it beaing evil, it wouldn't be any more so then sending an assassin, apart from caladeral damage. It's an interesting plan but I don't know.
totally not jeff
Humanity would win at conventional warfare. Intuition, adrenaline, focusing on the present instead of the future... The Humans Are Space Orcs series has shown us, we are better at fighting than them. Plus, we would still have our nukes. They would be weakened, diverting resources to damage control and rebuilding after their nukes self-destructed. Not to mention a leadership crisis, because of the assassination strike.
If diplomacy fails, we'll hopefully still have time to strike first. But if we simply attack, we can take them out before they are ready.
If we act fast enough, we may be able to strong-arm them into a treaty with a large enough show of force.
Or we could just nuke the bastards first and throw peace out the window. I wouldn't recommend that.
Oppenheimer said, when he invented/tested the first working nuclear bomb, "now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds" and I don't think the nuclear option is a good one. It's more of a last, desperate strike when all other options are spent.
Me: *locks door and sits on bed, looking down* *whispers* they had to die, didn’t they
A: *tries to open door* human Luna, can you please unlock the door?
Me: just give me a few days, then I’ll unlock the door
A: you can tell me what is wrong
Me: *sighs* fine *unlocks door*
A: *walks in* so, what is wrong?
Me: I’m having a difficult time of my life right now
A: h-how come?
Me: my pet sharks are dying
A: is there anyway to help you feel better?
Me: put on jwfk or let me get over it for a few days, that’s all you can do
A: Fallen Kingdom?
Me: *sniffles* Yeah