I went through postpartum depression for a reason
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- Опубликовано: 7 ноя 2019
- What's it feel like to go through postpartum depression?:
Jessica describes the feelings she started having about her newborn son just days after giving birth. She admits to having thoughts of wanting to harm her son, even though she knew she would never actually do it. Jessica says she soon realized it was postpartum depression and called her doctor to get on medication. She wanted to share her story so she could help other women feel less alone and avoid feeling ashamed if they experience the same thing.
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My pregnancy was amazing. I loved it. His birth was perfect. Nothing like people say it is. I was full of joy, and happiness, and I was so ready to meet him that the contractions were just an obstacle to get my baby. I've never felt so much love for someone in my life. Until he came out, and I saw him. I had built up this moment for 39 weeks. I was supposed to be overcome with joy, and love. I felt nothing, but when I realized everyone was watching me admiring us waiting for that reaction I gave it to them. I dove right in with breastfeeding, and diaper changes, and never took the first pain pill. My left leg was numb for weeks afterwards so I would just drag my leg around. We came home from the hospital the very next day. I remember laying in bed that night, and I was watching him sleep, and I just casually said to my boyfriend "I wish he came with a receipt so I could take him back". I never neglected him. I never mistreated him. I did everything I was supposed to do plus some. I wouldn't let anyone else hold him, or feed him, and burp him, or change his diapers. He was all mine. I don't know how to explain feeling nothing, and everything all the same time. I knew I wasn't okay, but I also knew he needed me. At every checkup for two months I asked my doctor for help. I told her multiple times something was wrong. She said it was baby blues. At his two month checkup I stayed in the exam room for THREE HOURS refusing to leave until she heard me out, and helped me. She turned me away again. I went home, and that evening I soaked everything in. I held him extra long, I took extra time feeding him, I gave him a warm bath, I even soaked his lotion bottle in the water to warm the lotion. I massaged his tiny little body all over with his lotion (gosh why does baby lotion smell so good?) I put the softest sleeper I had on him. I put him to bed, and once he fell asleep I leaned down and kissed his head, and held his tiny hand, and I cried and I told him I was sorry I couldn't be the mommy he deserved, and I told him that I loved him even though I didn't know how to show, and I took a bottle of hydrocodone. Washed it down with a bottle of whiskey. Laid down in my bed beside his crib, and went to sleep. I woke up to paramedics blowing out the veins in my arms trying to get an IV in while I'm sprawled out on my bed. I spent two weeks in a psych ward being treated like a rabid animal. When I came home I spent an entire year fighting to get my son back. PPD fucked me up, fucked my family up, and almost cost me the greatest blessing which is my son. It's not just being sad. It makes you delusional. I can't begin to describe the thoughts that raced through my mind everyday. Luckily I never wanted to hurt my son because I'm scared I may have acted on it the way I acted on my own life, but I was so desperate for the pain I was feeling to stop I would have done anything.
Dorothy Elise I’m so sorry girl 😢 did you get him back
I’m so sorry. That was really brave and difficult beautiful, thanks for sharing x
@@hannahnoelle1362 Yes I did get him back. ❤
“I know that I went through this for a reason. And if it’s JUST so that I can tell women that it’s okay and there’s hope, then I’m happy to have gone through it.” I love her.
I could listen to her speak forever. 🥰🥰 I love her spirit as well.
I have a 2 year old and I'm stopping at 1 child. Birthing and raising another human and the most difficult job there can be. I wasn't on meds but I had many stupid thoughts, extreme sadness and hopelessness and just overall feeling shitty. It was awful. Add lack of sleep, a full time job (that I almost lost after having my son), taking care of a household, doctor's appointments, urgent care and ER visits, teething, anxiety around baby development and milestones, seeing your friends and family enjoy things while you're stuck at home with a baby, expenses doubling up, lack of time for intimacy with husband (if you get any desire at all), crying, diapers, breastfeeding, breast pumping... I could go on. Now we're in the terrible twos stage and somedays I feel like I want to run away, tantrums, refuses to eat, and doesn't listen. Then I look at him and my heart melts of pure love and everything seems tobe worth it so you just get up the next day and try to do a little better.
i love this , postpartum is such a hard thing to go through .
thank you. I thought she was so brave to share this!
Your not alone
Nobody's in control