A couple of pieces of caution: one, loving babies wouldn't be a good reason to have kids because they are only babies for like two seconds. They will be teenagers too and then adults for most of your life! Two, I agree it's really appealing to raise someone who's a good human with all these good qualities, but there's a big piece of that that's independent of you. They might not turn out to be the great people you'd envisioned. That has to be okay too.
I'm 54 and I never considered NOT having children because it never occurred to me that I didn't have to take the default path. I had my only son at 30 and it has been so wonderful and also so very hard. Hindsight is 20/20 and I would never wish my son away BUT if I had the awareness and self-possession that most young people have today, I may have made a very different decision. Whose to say, but basically this SHOULD be a decision that everyone thinks through carefully. The truth is, raising children - even easy children - with full family support close by - is still a huge personal commitment that changes your life completely... AND brings another person into existence, so they need to be considered just as much. Having said all that, it's still like jumping off a cliff and then going through a one-way door where you have no idea what it is like on the other side. LOVE for sure, but everything else is a just complete surprise... you just can't predict any of it! I wish you all health and happiness no matter what your decision and I applaud anyone who makes the choice NOT to have children just as much as those of you who do!
I think today is also very different due to expenses, and it's something us young people have to consider before having kids. Since the 80s, wages havent gone up that much, but expenses have gone up a lot, but housing is by far the worst offender, being up too 300%+ more even in smaller cities. I know many in the 90s could easily afford a home and only pay a few hundred for a mortgage, vs now rent can be $1500+ for a one bedroom.
From a man perspective: I never thought about having kids until 31/32 and my girlfriend wasn't really into it, so we basically never talked about it. One day I just asked "do you see your life without kids" ? She freaked out a little (because it was the first time the subject came up between us) and she answered "no, I don't", and that was it. I was 33 when we had our daughter and this is the most beautiful experience ever, the minute she was here, the amount of love was already incredible and still is, never felt that before. Raising a kid is, obviously, a lot of work and responsibilities and we don't see ourselves having an other one, but the 3 of us are having the best times together, we're a good team even if she's a pain in the *** sometimes :D.
This is a lovely comment! I am 32 and it’s just hit me that maybe this is something that I would like for my future! My boyfriend and I have discussed it in the past and I know he’s now an adamant no, but both of us have said for the past few years that we don’t want kids! But I don’t know, I’m starting to wonder 🤷♀️ maybe I should just bring it up to him again and see what he thinks, and maybe we will have a wonderful story like yours one day! ☺️
I'm older but I'm the same - I've never even imagined that I'd have children one day. I know many women can't imagine the opposite, but it's never even been a question for me, I've always assumed I *wouldn't* have children, and I don't. I've never had the slight desire to, life is complicated enough, and personally, I absolutely don't want to be responsible for someone else. No regrets, my opinion has never changed. The only thing I can compare it to is that I always knew I'd have a cat, it was my lifelong dream, and I eventually did have cats :) Having said that, everyone is different, and there is no right or wrong, it's a totally personal decision and nobody else's business!
Yep - 45 and knew since my teens. Extremely happy about my decision and have never wavered. If somehow I was paid 10 million USD to have a child, I truly still wouldn't do it.
Pretty sure this decision only weighs heavily when you are on your deathbed. Realizing everything you did with your life was pointless because it all stops when you go. Pretty selfish decision, in a way. If our ancestors had thought that way we would not be here..
Lol! How would you know what goes through the minds of those who are actively dying? Do you work in palliative care or neuroscience? Just because you think a certain way doesn’t mean it can be extrapolated to the rest of humanity. And life is pointless .. earth doesn’t care if you live or die or if you breed.
It's refreshing to hear someone address this issue in a balanced way. I have made the conscious decision not to have children and people are always questioning my decision, and in a way they almost look down on you for it. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years and we are extremely happy together without the stress and responsibility of looking after kids. We have complete freedom to do what we like and go where we like whenever we feel like it. I am very happy and grateful for the life that I have.
I am a 43 year old woman who has never ever felt any desire for children and frankly find kids quite annoying and boring. I prefer puppies any day. I am absolutely loving my life of freedom and adventure. I live in 2 different continents part time … and I am moving to Paris soon with my hubby. I love my carefree nomadic student life ! Having kids sounds like a nightmare to me !!
I adopted internationally as a single mom relatively late in life. There were way, way more reasons to not do it, than to take that huge step. But I took a hard look at what I was going to do with the rest of my life that would bring what I imagined would be that kind of love and fulfillment, and also I was frankly sick and tired of being the centre of my own existence. Has it been challenging? Absolutely. But would I change that decision if I had the chance? Nope.
that's a really good point... me and my ex both felt the same, we were sick of being the centre and life becomes very dull when you get into your 30s and have been focussing on yourself for so long.
I kind of relate too. To be honest, I never really liked children that much. And in my twenties, when the motherly instincts failed to kick in, I considered not having any children at all. But now with 31 and a long term boyfriend who wants children I question myself again. I do love our life and our freedom and I hate the thought of giving that up. But: do I want this to continue for the next 40 years? Should this be all in life? And I'm not someone who likes to take risks like moving to a different country or building my own company, it's hard for me to build a social circle. Even though I have my hobbies I don't really have a real passion in life. So maybe a child would be exactly the task I need to feel like I have the ultimate fulfilment in life. And even though I can't make a lot of use with other children, I'm pretty sure I would adore my own very much. I just feel I'd miss out on a really huge experience in life. And I love the prospect of forming a new human being who is a little bit like you but you can contribute to him or her becoming even better. And additionally I do have a the doubts to come: will I be a good mother? What if I'm ending up a single mom? What if the kid will be disabled? Whot will the world look loke in the feature? So I'm actuelly really torn right now and I agree it is a tremendous decision, especially for us overthinker. ;-)
@@Childfree334the word “bored” is a little simplistic. Dissatisfied with the state and direction of one’s life might be more accurate. People make all kinds of huge life decisions for exactly that reason. You, judging from your user name, have made a different decision. Whatever your reasons, I’m sure they are just as valid as mine were for the choice I made.
I've been working in a Parisian daycare for 8 years and as I was getting off work tonight, I surprised myself thinking "Do I really want to have kids some day?". I've always thought that I would want to become a mom some day. I'm 31 now and I'm actually not so sure anymore. I just find it funny that I came across your video right after I asked myself that question.
I'm quite a few years older than you, and I chose not to have children. I have never regretted it. I am someone who needs a lot of alone time. When I'm ready for that alone time, it's an imperative that I get it for at least a couple of hours. When you have kids, that's not always an option. Also, I felt like if I had children I would have to apologize to them for bringing them into this unstable, polluted environment. (It's a beautiful world, but it's in peril.) I love children, and I always say to anyone who asks about my childlessness, "Other people's kids are good enough for me."😍
My kids are 19 and 25, neither of them want children (for different reasons). I support that 1000%. Kids are so amazing, but you must want them. It is fullfilling and amazing, it's also exhausting and a huge sacrifice. Don't question your gut feelings. They are NOT a requirement for happiness and fulfillment.
I don’t want kids. Books I recommend before making an irreversible decision are: a childfree happily ever after, regretting motherhood, baby matrix, and childfree by choice ❤️
I’m a mom of two little boys and toddler girl. I LOOOVE being a mama! However; because it is so hard, I would never pressure someone to “go for it.” It’s a highly personal decision and what’s best for me may not be best for you. I also agree with the cons you present. Part of me struggles with worry and guilt, but I hope to raise epic humans who will rise to the occasion and make the world a better place. I also believe that while a parent/child relationship is unique and intense, it’s not a prerequisite to a happy and fulfilling life. ❤️
Hi Rosie, I am 60 yrs old, male, widowed after being married for 19 yrs. No children by choice. Why… answer : Work and Prayer, according to a Benedictine structure of life. ( Read about the life of Saint Benedict).
Sometimes, people just do not want children and that is okay. I knew from early on that I liked children but wanted none of my own. I think you just have to go with your gut and feel no need to explain one way or the other to friends/family.
Hi! I've been watching your channel for years already and thank you for all the posts ! I've had my child rather late (38). And...regret it painfully ... I had never wanted children deep inside of me but just listened to the pressure I had been under for years. So the conclusion of the story is "never have children if you don't feel like it or have any doubts".
We have got a foster child at 40 years old, after 10+ years of medical struggles to have our own. And I am totally not offended by you or anyone bringing up the topic! Our childless life was full and fun :) I love the experience we are going through now, but it’s not easy, and it’s not going to ‚fill the void ‚ if there is a void, or bring you happiness if you are deeply unhappy before.
I’m a mum and love it, but I’m glad that women today know that road is not the only option. I’m thankful I felt like I had a choice. There is nothing more sad than seeing unwanted children, mistreated or ignored because their parents did not put thought into this decision.
Oh dear, don't get me started on the NEVER ENDING questions. An aunt asked me when we were having kids IN THE RECEIVING LINE at my wedding. Remind me again why my reproductive choices are your business? At that point I wasn't even sure I wanted kids for most of the reasons you mentioned. Fast forward a few years, we brought the most handsome little person into our family via adoption. Adoption isn't for everyone but since we decided to become parents, it made more sense to us to love someone who was already here than "make" someone else. He may not look exactly like but his mannerisms and the way he says things is 100% us. It's borderline scary. haha
Another perspective: I never liked children until I had them. I am a physician, I have 4 children 10 and under. Life is chaotic, but never ever boring. And the love, laughter, the adventures - I can’t explain it other than it makes life so so rich. You meet entirely new people, make new friends (and still keep the old though!), and view this world and yourself with new eyes. Plus, not to be morbid, but as a physician, I see people at the end of their lives. I don’t want to be the person that leaves this life alone. Yes, having children is hard. But nothing I’ve done in this world that was worth doing was easy.
So when I heard you begin your video about climate change anxiety and whether this was wise to consider bringing kids into this scenario, it made me smile. Not because it’s not serious because it is very serious. For a moment it took me back 50 years to the specter of the atom bomb. We sat around and asked each other whether we should bring our children into the atomic age -remember that in the early 60s we practiced atom bomb drills by watching informative movies about hiding under our desks and learning to identify air raid shelters. Shortly after, it was the time of street riots over Viet Nam, and hippies in San Francisco. We were convinced the world seemed irretrievably broken. Every era has their story, none of them less ominous but it seems to me that we grow through each era a bit stronger as we find how to find peace in the dilemmas of our own eras. Some dedicate themselves to social causes to improve the world, some build beautiful families which also can improve the social fabric of their environments. I am the age, I suppose, of your grandmother. It is a wonderful thing that young people have the freedom to choose whether to have children. It is certainly not a calling for which everyone has an affinity and self awareness of the impact of this lifelong choice is key to successful, healthy children. One question I would include with these considerations is one almost never discussed. Everyone always pictures a healthy, happy, normal child. I would add that it would be helpful when choosing to have children to consider what would happen if our child was special needs? What if we had to tag team every single errand instead of leaving together because child care was next to impossible? In my case, my son is autistic and has tremendous care needs every day. He can’t understand masks so we cannot fly. He has Tourette’s so that means no movies, concerts, etc. because he is unable to stop speaking. He will always be 3 years old cognitively and always be with us so no empty nest or grandchildren. So when planning the baby decision I would ask “can the partnership I am in go the distance should this occur?” In the US 1 out of 44 children is born autistic according to the CDC. And marriages with disabled children experience a divorce rate of 75%. Make no mistake, my son is my joy. When I was asked about whether I wanted the test for Down Syndrome during pregnancy I said no thanks because I knew I would love him to the moon anyway. I made this choice from the beginning and never looked back. I wouldn’t change my decision. Just something to consider when imaging outcomes.
I’m 35 and am in the same boat. I always thought I wanted kids…but now I’m not sure…did I want them because I thought that was what I was supposed to do?
@@katrinatrammell6079 thank you for sharing this. Exactly the thought process I am going through myself! And also...what If now I am going to "talk myself into" this and then regret it when the child comes. How awful would that be...
Hi Rosie! Love the topic! I've always wanted to have children, in fact, I remember that when I was 8 y.o I announced to my family that I am going to have 16 children when I grow up! So, I ended up with two wonderful daughters, aged 17 and 13! I was definetely trying to spend every moment with them when they were little. I did not care too much about my career growth at that point, neither did I have a rich social life. For me, it was what I always wanted. Fast forward 10-15 years, now I have much more freedom, I train, dance, travel with the kids and without. There is no wondering in me of what my life could be without my girls, my life for me always had kids in it. 😁 But, this type of life is sort of a dedication and it's not easy. Dedication of time, attention, finances is much higher than most of us anticipate before we have kids. I never used to urge anyone to have children! Quite the opposite - I urge my younger friends to give it a second or a third thought. This is a very serious decision, involving lives of many people, even beyond one's family. Having kids is not a luxury, yet it's not a given either. I commend you for considering this topic instead of just going with what's "appropiriate"! Love from Sweden! Anya.
The decision of creating a family is the ultimate balancing act of biological imperative, emotional need and rational thought. We all have to find our own center of gravity. And re-find it each moment thereafter.
I can only speak from my own experience. I hadn’t really thought about having children. One day I woke up and thought I want a baby! It was as quick as that. Me and my husband were so lucky and had a happy healthy little girl. All I can say is yes your life does change but you don’t care! You don’t even think about it because that little person is the thing you love more than you even thought possible. That’s my experience. I hope whatever you decide you make the right decision for you and have a happy life ❤️
I'm in my late 40's with an AMAZING 17-yo son. I did not want a baby throughout most of my 20's and then suddenly, at age 29, something went DING! and I had a crazy urge to have a baby. (Luckily, we didn't struggle) But for us it was one and done! (I have kidney disease and frankly, only wanted one anyway!) One singular sensation! I gave up working full time, but happily got to do contract work from home. Pretty lucky! 😁 I LOOOOOOVE being a mom. HIS mom. I'm not in love with all children, but I've become fiercely protective of my kid and the children in my everyday life - my two nieces, my neighbor kids and my son's friends. I'm a mama bear and if anyone does anything to hurt my cub (or the other cubs I love) I will bite their butts off! Being a mom has made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. I love my son more than I ever thought possible (and I know my husband feels the same way about him). We've worked hard to create a good citizen of the world and ended up with the world's best teenager (people kept warning me about "those teen years" and I'm happy that we've gotten through relatively unscathed!) He loves photography, aviation, hockey, and the ocean. He's such a fun guy! We laugh, as a family, ALL THE TIME! We're all three pretty geeky and our son has an incredibly quick wit. We travel, play games, see movies and do fun things around our area. We love being just three of us. People find it odd that we just love being together as much as we do. Us Burchs and our two cats. We're happy. 😊❤️ But if other people don't want kids, hey! I'm totally good with that. Honestly, there are parents in this world that SHOULDN'T have kids, but felt pressured to have them. Even for us, we have one and up until he was about eight, people badgered us to have more. Nope! Like I said, we're happy. I'm good!
Hey Rosie, thanks for raising this topic, I’m glad this is a more and more common one. I’m happily child free and could write an entire book about the reasons not to have children - the main ones you’ve mentioned yourself. For me the key issue with having children, is the irreversibility of it. Everything else in life (a job, a marriage, a house…) is reversible, except having a child… and dying. I want the freedom to change my mind, whenever, for whatever reason. And, I’m waaay too busy with my job, husband, cat, social life, music, travel and so on. Whatever your decision, good luck and well done for asking yourselves questions - if more people were like you, the movie “Idiocracy” would remain a fiction rather than becoming a documentary.
Hi Rosie!! I am about to turn 30, I am in a long term relationship and I agree a 100% with you!!! Thanks for doing this video, now I feel like I am not alone.
Hi Rosie, I'm a 45 year old woman and have been with my husband since we were 15, he is also a kiwi! I knew at 18 after a number of babysitting gigs as a teenager that I didn't want kids, and I've never once regretted that decision. We have a stress free life, have been on many travel adventures, volunteered abroad, have changed careers a couple of times and we both know none of that would have been an option if we had children.
Thanks for bringing this topic up here on your channel. Although I realize this video is not recent and has probably been commented on ad nauseum, I still wanted to weight in. I'm a 67 yr old married woman with one grown up child. If a couple feel like parenthood is not right for them, it's the best decision NOT to have any children. It is a sacrifice, it is a long term commitment and not lightly to be decided on. Even people who are glad to have had children, it's taken a toll, a toll they were overall glad to pay. I've also seen couples that had children because they were expected to and became very unhappy. You have every right to enjoy, guilt free, a childless lifestyle. I commend you and wish you all the best in life and thank you for your channel. I enjoy it very much.
I made the conscious decision not to have kids. I thought a lot about it, and found that there are 3 reasons people have kids: selfish reasons, sad reasons, and an innate desire. The selfish reasons are things like "having a mini me" or "to have someone to take care of me when I'm older", and the worst of them, parents that think of having children as a retirement plan. putting the burden on your children to care for you, either physical care or financial care is incredibly selfish. The sad reasons are things like "experiencing love" or "having a purpose". if my partner's love, and the love I get from my friends and family, and from myself isn't fulfilling and enough, then I am doing something wrong. The last reason, which is that some people just have this innate desire to be parents, which I don't have at all. Other reasons I consciously decided not to have kids is because I would absolutely hate the idea of being a single mother. kudos to single moms as it is a really tough thing to do and I love my life and myself enough to never put myself in that position. As much as I love my partner and he's great and all that, nothing is guaranteed in the future. What if they die? what if we breakup for whatever reason? whatever they end up being a horrible parent and I have to carry all the weight of parenthood by myself. and besides how hard it is to take care of children, I personally cannot handle the responsibility of taking care of a disabled child. Whether they were born disabled, or acquired their disability later in life. it is really really tough and I don't think I have what it takes to do it.
This is called overthinking and having a child anxiety I think. I know people who say I don't want to have a serious relationship because I don't know if I am skillful enough to handle it. I am very complicated and difficult they say so... But also this means to stay inside as maybe an accident will happen
@@rudinaalbania Or she just doesn't want to have a kid (Quote: "The last reason, which is that some people just have this innate desire to be parents, which I don't have at all. " - I think that's a very clear reason :)
This is one of the most thoughtful responses. You hit the nail on the head when it comes to wanting children even if you end up divorced, disabled or your partner dies. Also how would you feel having a child that is not neuro normative? These questions need to be asked.
@@rudinaalbania I don't think it is overthinking to ask yourself if you would be ok as a single parent or if your child was born with a disability. There are no guarantees your child will be born healthy
Of course questioning things is normal, smart. But smarter is the attitude that you can move forward despite fear and anxiety. To decide not to have children because of that is sad.
For me, it is the fault of Western cultures that those decisions are so difficult to make. If it weren't for the whole Adam-and-Eve-thinking in our societies, the entire burden and responsibility to raise a child wouldn't be carried only by the two people who produced it but by entire communities. Traditional patriarchy makes things even worse by pushing the main responsibility to only one person, the mother. There is this saying that it takes a whole village to raise a child and I definitely think there is some truth to that. I personally would never want to have children of my own, but I sure wouldn't mind babysitting or teaching other people's children for a limited (!) amount of time.
I think quite the opposite is true: the Western culture makes it very easy to reject motherhood, find elegant explanations for that and make child-free lifestyle fashionable.
When I was in my 20's I would have told you I didn't want kids. Since I had my daughter at age 36, I have never been happier my entire life. Even if the world is going to crap, it doesn't seem so hopeless when I have her in my life. Also, you would make such an awesome mom! What an amazing upbringing your child would have with all of your cultural knowledge and language skills!
Hi Rosie thank you for this great video again! I'm gonna tell you about how I feel about this question if you feel like reading this at some point! Who knows I'm aged 30 and the mom of a boy turning one in a few days. I'm gonna try to keep the long story short the best that I can. I usually take my big decisions very impulsively and overthink later. When I decided to have the kid, I had been fired from my job three months before and at that same time had left my boyfriend from 12 years and met a new guy. I almost consciously prevented myself to think through the decision of having a baby, I just had one, I was confident at that time that whatever happens, I'd be able to make it work. And overall it's been the case and everything's been fine. I purposely hadn't thought about the environmental question either when taking the baby decision, although I'm feeling very conscious about these topics. I define myself as a minimalist/vegan/use almost only her bike and try to recycle everything but I do feel like these questions are bigger than us when it comes to whether or not having a baby in this world. Back to the baby. I've found another job ever since and he goes to day care. But I do breastfeed him and we are very close all the same.My life has somewhat changed as I'm way more busy than before but I still manage to make time for the things that were important to me. I have kind of sorted out the important stuffs in my life and gave up on the rest but I haven't had to surrender on anything that I valued. I love that I can teach things to my son and give him love but that he can be whoever he wants to be and doesn't belong to me. I often see the decision of having him as not a selfish decision but on the contrary more like a sacrifice that I made to give up on some of my personal time to give him the chance to be alive instead and to offer a new being to the community. Hopefully people will be happy they got to know him and he'll be someone for them as much as he is someone to me. I don't have that many funny stories to tell you about having a baby, and I still feel like I exist as an individual outside of being a mum. And I do love him so much but not to the point that "I've discovered what love means when he was born" like I'd heard some mums say, this didn't happened to me. But I do think that this little boy looks so so cute though and I often wonder how I was able to give birth to such a handsome little guy and I often think to myself that he's gonna be so hot when he grows up
I had those unexpected fertility struggles and (fortunately) ended up with 3 beautiful daughters (I was in my 30s & 40s when they came along). There is a totally unique love a parent feels and I agree with the sentiment that parenthood is hard, but worth it. That being said, the only right answer to the parenthood question is the answer that works for you and your partner. I've let my daughters know that I will not be the person who pines aloud for grandchildren. My daughters will not be pressured from me, even in a slightly teasing or joking way, to have children. It is a deeply personal decision for every woman and/or couple to make, and that decision is no one else's business and requires no explanation.
Turn off the news and listen to your heart. Don’t let public opinion or the “ experts” influence your decision. Quit listening to everyone. A “changing identity” isn’t a bad thing. It can change you for the better. Having children makes you less selfish. Do you shy away from hard things? Probably not. So just because it’s hard isn’t a reason to not do it. Life isn’t perfect, with or without kids. As a mother of 3, I highly recommend it. It will grow you in so many ways! It’s the best! If everyone quits having kids...our world will end. What a crazy thought! Stop overthinking. Lighten up and listen to your heart. 🥰
I’m 50 and I made a conscious decision not to have children based on the knowledge I would not make a good parent. Not every woman is cut out to be a mother and I feel as a society the pressure placed on women to have children combined with those who don’t seriously consider what a tough job being a parent is contributes to the awful child neglect stories we see in the news ( sadly a hot topic in the UK right now). I knew fairly early on I would probably not be a good mother based on my own childhood experiences and it was not a risk I was willing to take finding out if I was right or not. That would have been playing Russian roulette with another persons life. I thought very very long and hard about it , do I feel sad …some days absolutely because I’m human ..do I regret the decision …no not for one moment despite the fact the world sees me as a selfish child hater who is only concerned with with my own needs I know I did the right thing.
I didn’t particularly fancy having a baby and even in my thirties it didn’t interest me. I worked in embryology and it was very common seeing couples going through who changed their mind at the eleventh hour. There were also ladies whose ex didn’t want kids and they just went with it but that relationship ended when they were in their late 30’s or 40’s (usually the ex shacked up with a new girlfriend quickly and had a family anyway, sometimes the ex even would come back to the clinic with the new partner 🤔). I decided that the risk of changing my mind was too great so I had a baby at 37yo. Best decision I ever made as we are the perfect little family. Can’t imagine life without my 6yo. I’ve heard it can swing the other way though where people regret having kids and that’s a very unfortunate situation to be in.
Maybe collab with Mama Doctor Jones - she is an American obstetrician who just moved to NZ. She also has four kids. Maybe she can talk about consideration people take when deciding about whether to have kids.
I was always worried about having kids and put it off for longer than my husband wanted to because I was so worried about the world and childcare costs and how can we protect them etc. But then we were blessed with a daughter and 3 years later decided to have another and now have a 5 year old and 2 year old. Obviously the pandemic has brought new challenges but I think the world has always brought challenges. Think of having a kid 100 years ago during flu pandemic, wars, and so much uncertainty. It’s a hard decision and I still think what will my kids face? I don’t think it will ever get less stressful lol. But they are so much fun and make every day interesting for sure!
This is such a personal topic and everyone is going to have a different opinion. Honestly if you are not sure just imagine your life 20 years from now: in a world where you chose not to have kids and one where you did. What does your life look like? Which is more appealing? I am a mom of two (9 and 4) and was a working parent up until this year. Honestly, I never wanted to have kids in the sense that I didn’t grow up thinking I would have kids or picking out their names, and even when my husband and I got married we didn’t immediately feel as though we needed to have kids. But then something changed and we decided to become parents. It has been so rewarding and I wouldn’t change it for the world! Yes, it is exhausting and a ton of work. That’s why my advice is make sure you’re SURE because it’s a whole new level of commitment when you have a child. It will change your life but change isn’t all bad. It even frustrates me a little when people talk about having kids in a negative manner “your life is gonna suck now. You’ll never sleep again” etc. Babies learn to sleep eventually. And they toilet train eventually. And then they go to school and you’ll wish you had more time with them. It really is such a small blip of your life overall where you will be caring for a baby or a toddler. And fwiw, my husband runs his own business similar to you and that is a unique challenge for us that other couple s with children we know don’t have. His working hours don’t end at 5 pm and often work creeps into the weekends. It’s not impossible but you need a support system to help you.
Hi Rosie ! Thank you for the video I really enjoyed it. I am in a quite similar situation to yours, I am french married to an Australian in my thirties considering having children or not! I wanted to point out that I feel like this perspective of children having children being really hard and having to sacrifice a lot of who you are/ changing your lifestyle completely is quite an Anglo-Saxon perspective (to some extent!) I feel like french people see children as fitting into their lives, and I find this perspective more reassuring ! I work in childcare (I have done so in France/UK/Africa) and the way people see children and educate them in different countries is fascinating ! If you do decide to have children I look forward to the videos about the difference you find in education between the French and Kiwi point of vue !
So true! In some countries, people expect women (mothers) to give up their life for their children. Because they are seen as a project. But not in France nor in other no Anglo-Saxon countries. Children are part of life, like older people!
Thank you for making this video. I’m in the process of deciding whether I want to go ahead with my pregnancy for the exact reasons you listed. Made me feel less alone and more at ease that I’m not wrong for being in two minds about this
I used to be confused about what I wanted...seeing friends getting married and havings kids. Well at 43, i am happy with my life, my partner and all my nephews & nieces. I don"t have the need to have children and I am not "bored" with my time. Each to their own decision, and think deeply of what you really want rather than what you "should" do or not
Completely agree Rosie, thank you for this video. Me and my Frenchman have been together 6 years and we are 25 so are not feeling pressured to make a decision yet, but this debate is something that we think about a lot. The climate crisis is the main reason why we agree that it is selfish to have children, and like you said they will resent us for bringing them into the world. It is hard to have conversations with friends about it because they dont take the climate crisis seriously or like to ignore its existence for an easier life. People think we are so dramatic when we say its unlikely that we will choose to have kids, but I feel like we are the few properly considering the possible reality of the future. Definitely a hard decision because I had never before imagined my future without children.
Watching this cradling my (2nd) newborn, thinking I definitely made the right choice for me. But it’s THE most personal decision and no one should ever feel pressured by society / or worse social media to embark on this journey, which is completely life altering.. and jeez am I tired right now! Thanks for the super interesting perspectives on this topic!
Thanks for this video Rosie! I find this topic so interesting and I have EAXCTLY the same thoughts in my head every day! I'm 28 and quite a lot of people around me are starting having kids but I know I am nowhere there yet. I have the same douubts as you mentioned, even though I am in a completely different situation, just as everyone has different specific, personal circumstances... I live close to family and my bf and me have been together for almost a decade, so all of our 20s. But my main "isssue" is that I am still a student, working part-time, and I definitely want to move forward in my career significantly before I take a break for childcare. I haven't finished uni yet and it bothers me a lot and I know that a lot of young people who have got ther master's and all at 25/26 are further ahead than me. Also, we get those questions about kids every. single. time. someone hands me their screaming lil baby and then that teasing you mentioned starts... . I'm also someone who reallly enjoys quietnees, alone time, peacefullness, but on the other hand I do think about all the nice things I hope to fill my life with, together with my man. :) I kind of think about how stressfull and expensive (!!) having kids is and right now I feel like maybe one child someday, not plural as everyone always assumes, might be the way to go for me, in a couple of years. If you have one child, you can kind of calculate it better financially, you have only one newborn/teenage/etc. stage to survive, no sibling-drama & fighting, but you still get to experience all the things moms and dads love and noone can say anything to you, becaus you ARE a mother/father. Just not to a whole bunch of them haha :D Oh btw, I'm a proud dog mom now! :)
My partner and I definitely want to have kids in a few years. For now we are just enjoying this time in our lives free of responsibilities. We are going to get married first then have children later. Glad we are child free during the pandemic. It would be a lot more stressful otherwise. We are both essential employees so we haven't had a break. I have always been pressured to be a mother even more when I moved to the states. It's annoying when people don't respect my choices. I want to give my future kids the best opportunities that I can. The most important for me was to find a partner that shares the same values and be in a healthy relationship. I want to give my future kids a stable environment. I often make decisions thinking about how my choices will affect my future offspring. Most people think I'm crazy. I just don't want them to have a bad childhood, like I did.
My daughter is 47….was it worth it? LOL…mostly! You are correct…your kids are not nearly as annoying as other peoples kids….trust me on that! Your child will love you more than you’ve ever been loved…at least until they are teens. Babies are easier than teens….but an adult child…oh yeah…that’s when it’s worth it!!! The time really does go fast…and yes, you will be exhausted the first couple of years. Day care is your friend…or a nanny. My daughter thrived in daycare…I didn’t give up my place in my career..win- win! From age 13 until my daughter got married..we had a mother daughter to NYC..shows, lovely dinners…..priceless!! We’re there days I would have given her to the Gypsies….oh yes!!! Still…having a baby is a very, very personal decision. I only had one…perfect for us….and to add motivation…we celebrated our 50th anniversary this year! I’m sure you will make the best choice for you both!!!
All things considered, I think it has to come down to your instinctive desire - do you and N want to have kids? If the answer is yes, everything else will be worked out as you go along. As someone who is about to move to France with my 2 kids 10 and 14yrs I am excited to give them the opportunity to learn another language and culture - what a privilege! Bonne courage Rosie and Nils!
I so feel like you! Mixed feelings but I think I feel more and more strongly about not having any. That decision even cost me my last relationship, he really wanted kids, I wasn't sure...Such a big topic! I feel all the reasons to go for one are actual quite selfish, not yours necessarily but generally what people say when they have kids...The world is f***** so I don't have a lot of hope for the future....and don't want to bring someone into this world...
I never wanted kids growing up and even into my 20s. I worked in a daycare for a few years from 18-20yrs old and definitely didn't want kids after that. But later in my 20s I began to want a child. For me it was the best experience of my life. It brings so much joy, love, and sweet moments...couldn't imagine life without him. It's up to everyone to make that decision. I just think people don't know what they are missing out on. No judgement if someone doesn't want a child.
There is something so beautiful and inspiring to me about realizing the connection between generations and feeling that connection. I think about my parents and grandparents and even great grandparents and then I look at my seven year old dancing in the kitchen and I realize that my life and his life wouldn't have been possible without them. I don't know if that even makes sense, but it's something that has factored into my decision to have kids---the idea that I could maybe give to a child what my ancestors have given to me. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts.
I am childfree, have decided at 29 and then moved to France where this seems to be a much more controversial decision, I have had soooo many conversations about how women naturally want kids and they feel so sorry for me, while I feel sorry for parents having to deal with screaming kids
Hi Rosie, I love this video! This topic is one that’s been on my mind a lot lately. I’m not married nor in a LTR anymore but when I was with my ex it just never felt right to try and have a kid. At least not with him, but I think I mistook that for not ever doing it. It was a gut instinct and I’m so glad I followed it, even if it means I’m now in uncertainty on whether I’ll have the chance at all. I had a loooot of pressure put on me to “give” my ex’s mother a grandchild, and that definitely didn’t help at all. I didn’t like talking about my potential child as if s/he were a thing to be had, nor the guilt trips. That among countless other reasons kept me firmly in the child free camp for that entire LTR. But now, tbh the pandemic really put things in perspective for me. I’ve realized I have at minimum 2 years and at maximum 7 years left to try and have a biological child. I’m not gonna rush or force anything, but I’m also going to try my best to create a family of my own. So I’m putting this out there in the Universe, and I’m making my intentions clear in my heart for it to happen. I love that not only are you thinking so thoroughly about this massive decision but you’ve also been generous enough to share it with us. I really needed somewhere to discuss this, thank you for making a safe and interesting space for it! ♥️
Rosie, I wish I could sit down for a chat with you about this! I think one challenge (on top of everything you discussed here) is that it's taboo to talk about "wanting to have a baby" or "trying to have a baby" so it feels almost impossible to even bring up the topic. The few times I have brought up my climate anxiety around having a baby, I feel like others are very dismissive. It was really nice to hear someone discussing this topic so openly, thank you.
any young couple talking about this... just imagine that you might end up being a single parent because i think we can say now the majority of couples end up splitting, especially after the pandemic we saw so many splits, much more than before... so we can assume that when there is a crisis that couples mainly split rather than staying together. so... even if someone seems completely solid now you never know what might happen... You know when parents say 'it's really hard' you can never even imagine how hard it is until you experience it. Rosie you are absolutely right to think twice. I have friends who grew old without having kids and you know what... they go to restaurants all the time and have such a great life. They tend to make friends more with other people who also didn't have kids... they usually have animals, like a little dog etc who they totally spoil like a child. sounds nice. :) whatever you choose it will be great anyway and kids grow up and then they are gone... it's about 20 years out of your life which might be around 90 so years. Good luck on your choice. :)
I love this topic so much! So much nuance! I’m not having children, nor am I fostering or adopting, but I always say I have TONS of children because I’m a social worker. I work with families of all types and feel very fulfilled by that. I’m also grateful when family and friends involve me in their children’s lives so I can contribute to their happiness and growth. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything, but I also know how happy my friends and family are to have their children! The answer is different for everyone and you have to make these decisions for yourself!
The one thing I thought about is when we’re 80+ yrs . No one to care for us, just hanging out with the Senior’s at the senior home watching all their kids come to visit and take them out…. Sorry, sounds depressing , and that’s wayy down the road anyway. Just crossed my mind 🥲
I love that the time is here when this can be a conscious decision. I didn’t have that choice, however I have no regrets. I have two amazing daughters who are wonderful women, my best friends, great contributors to society. They have brought two amazing sons through marriage, and four lovely grandchildren who share the values of their parents. Those grandchildren are really the rewards of life. I did not sacrifice any stages in my career, have travelled, and really just enjoy my life enriched by my family. I have a science degree, so I understand your concerns, but I have faith in our young people and in human ingenuity, these give me hope for our collective future.
Rosie, I appreciate your for filming this video and engaging your viewers in a topic that I consider to be critical for our generation. I am pleased to see a growing shift in the openness of this subject. Just years ago it was expected that you would follow the typical life milestones of graduation, career, marriage, and inevitably, babies. Now, women and couples are weighing all of their options --- I consider this shift to be a positive as we are now consciously deciding what to do or not do with our lives. I have friends who have chosen to have children and those are happily childfree, I respect all decisions and above all, am happy that they truly considered their options as opposed to making such an important life decision blindly. I agree with you that having children in today's climate is unpredictable and that is unsettling when you are bringing another human being in the world. Future generations are facing climate change and scarce resources and rising cost of living (+ unaffordable childcare), as you mentioned, and more immediately, life has been significantly disrupted due to the pandemic. I also want to add that I think you are very wise to "overthink." I wouldn't even consider it to be overthinking. You are seriously considering various factors, within and outside of your control, to help you come to a conclusion of what is arguably one of the biggest decisions a person/couple will make.
If you want to have children, have them. They do change things because a new destiny must now be considered but the profundity of creating a family cannot be minimized. Look deep - go with your feelings. Not selfish. deeply spiritual. The children call us - it is selfless to parent. “I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers flow in the right direction, will the earth turn as it was taught, and if not how shall I correct it? "Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven, can I do better? Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows can do it and I am, well, hopeless. "Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it, am I going to get rheumatism, lockjaw, dementia? "Finally, I saw that worrying had come to nothing. And gave it up. And took my old body and went out into the morning, and sang.” ~ Mary Oliver in 'I Worried'
I always assumed I'd be a mom, the culture I grew up in wasn't pleasant for those that couldn't or wouldn't. But I was never gonna make that decision unless I was in a stable relationship with someone that I knew for sure wanted kids too. But no one ever came along. Eventually I decided the relationship had to be more secure than kids, and I didn't end up with anyone like that until I was 36 (we got married when I was 38), I'm now 41 and we've mutually decided that if it happens it happens if it doesn't it doesn't. We are not gonna do fertility or IVF because I've known too many people go that route and it nearly break them. But I'm more conflicted now than in the past because I'm older so if I did get pregnant it would automatically be an at risk pregnancy and I'll be an older mom which has its own struggles. I used to have a lot of patience with kids when I was younger but now I find I can only tolerate them for shorter periods of time. So maybe it's fate that me and my husband will be the cool aunt and uncle with no kids. Though I do have to admit that I am a bit jealous of our friends and family that have kids and realize that no matter how hard I would like to, I will never have the relationship and intimacy that a parent and a child have compared to a niece/nephew and an aunt, unless you're an aunt actually raising that kid
@@NotEvenFrench I've thought about fostering. We live in Ile-de France, and the system looks similar to the US (where I'm from), but that's also a big responsibility too
I’m 45, my husband and I have been together for 12 years and we do not have children by choice. I personally did not think people would be as upset with us as they are. Even though I’m 45 people still don’t seem to understand and feel it is their business to interrogate us WHY! I’ve also had many coworkers who treat me poorly because I not have to take kids to soccer practice all weekend. My husband and I are having brunch at a nice restaurant 😀. Moral of the story you will likely be judged either way. Do what you want and don’t look back.
Late 30s here and been married 6 years, together for over 10...not having kids. We're from an East Asian background but from Australia and have noticed how pronatalist society is. It is getting better though..people know not to ask and I think childfreedom is becoming more common. Is being childfree more accepted in France vs NZ or other places like AUS? I wonder if religion plays a part?
I’m a man and it took me a long time before finding the woman with who to take the responsibility to have kids. So we were blessed to have 2 girls. Despite many drawbacks : kids behaviour and education have been a huge source of disputes inside our couple, sure enough intimacy has drastically dropped, nights thinking of family’s finance, compounded by being responsible of’kids. Because we have always been both foreigners living in a third country, it took us 10 years before spending our first week together without the kids, and still we missed them 😂. Despite all that, or because of that, I am the happiest father ☺️
Thanks for speaking out, I think we should talk more about this topic and especially about being shamed if you don't want/like kids, even if you have all the right conditions for them. Thanks Rosie!! xoxo
Rosie thank you for talking about this topic.it really does need to be talked about more. I think we are born and expected to follow the same path, born, go to school, university, get a job, get married then have babies then die. It's a formulation that has worked for a very long time but I think that us changing now. People woman don't feel they need to follow this path. They are self reliant, there's no man we need to marry to take care of us. Some want that life which us absolutely right for them but many I know do it because it's expected of them. Then they gave children and though they wouldn't take them back (good job you can't) it's not what they thought it would be being a parent. It's hard work yes rewarding but you also lose a lot of your self, your body changes, your career changes if you had one. Myself I'm 35 I've never wanted children, friends kids great you play with have fun, then give them back. I've never like the thought of having to give myself up to gave a child as though times have changed woman always end up carrying the majority of the caring, their career suffers, woman's lives change more with having children than men's ever do. It's such a responsibility to be sure you want that responsibility and I don't. I like travelling when I want (try to do it as kindly to the planet as possible) but I like my freedom. Though I think it's easier for woman to talk about this now I still find there's a stigma when you say you don't want children. I've had the comments your not a woman, your wasting your body, you don't need to find live if you don't want kids you might as well stay single and the old your selfish. So thank you for talking about this topic. Xx
Technical remark - your audio is doing something weird, as if it flips from one loudspeaker to the other that I have never noticed on prior videos (I am leaving this comment separately so you can delete it)
Hi, I'm really happy you made this video. I'm 22 and in a relationship for 4 years now, and my companion and I have agreed that we don't wanna have kids, but both our families don't understand why, they want to have grandchildren and they wonder what legacy we'll leave if no one comes after us... But we just want to live more freely, we're worried about climate change and I especially don't wanna go through pregnancy when I see all the struggles it come with, and the pressure on how we need to educate our children... For us there are more cons than pros, I wish our families could understand that...
As so many said before it is a decision you have to make by yourself. I don't think there is really a right or wrong decision you will have no idea how your life would turned out if you decided otherwise. But if you ask yourself will I cope? Then you maybe should ask yourself these question. 1. Will your partner support you and be willing to take care of things if you need a break? 2. Do you have friends and family to support you where you are? Lastly if you want to have children I wouldn't let the different cultural background stop you from having them. But more important is are you and your partner able treat each other with respect and help each other when you both had a bad day and are exhausted.
I'm 26 and my husband is 27. I've never wanted children and we recently ensured that won't ever be a possibility for us. You've articulated this so well. Thank you for providing a perspective others might not consider. I do feel so bad for people who do it just because they think it's the "next step". . . but even worse for their kids. Like, if you really want children absolutely have them, but it shouldn't just be the default.
I'm glad that you are approaching this topic as a decision to be made and not just "the next step" in life. There are a lot of good points you brought up. I'm personally #TeamNoKids for life. I made this decision before I was out of High School though. It's never been something I've personally wanted (and no, I don't have any trauma). I live an amazingly fulfilling and happy life all things considered. As you asked, I could come up with hundreds, maybe thousands, of reasons not to have kids, but you mentioned a lot of the big ones. One reason I'm glad I made that decision early is later in life I found I have a medical predisposition that would require 2x $1,000 shots, not covered by insurance (good ol' USA -_-), daily (on top of the fact that I know I would hate being pregnant in the first place). That's about $56,000 US$ just in shots, which I would potentially/ probaly die without. No thank you. All of the "reasons" you gave and many give (in regards to having children) are just not good enough things to sway me personally (and I have maternal instincts when it comes to care/protection of my nieces and nephews, but I see babies and feel no instinctual need or desire to have one, my ovaries/uterus always go eww... keep away). Ultimately it's a big decision for you and your partner, and I hope whatever you decide ends up meeting your desires.
Listen… because while growing up, my sisters and close family friends had all kids and guess what - it is not true that it’s that kind of love you never felt before…. I don’t know who says that but where I lived people were very honest and mostly they were complaining and…. I kinda believe that they where stuck with it. Also… they fantasize that they will teach the children something beautiful and to be educated and nice, talented, interesting and also that was a big disappointment for the parents because non of them became the kids/adolescents/young adults they imagined! Not at all! And they said that even after all the effort they have their own personality and friends that influence them and it’s not realistic to think so far into the future and think that “what a great kid I will have because of the way I raised them”…. Maybe if I was still 25 and not knowing so much I would have still been attracted by having them but I am not so sure now…oh and also just like you said, I am not at all financially stable during these crazy times
This is a big decision and I’m happy to see you not taking it lightly. With that said, try not to base your decision making on things you and I cannot control (environment, politics etc). Rather, base this decision on what and your hubby would want. And yes, instil the knowledge and values into your child. They become your legacy, a true testament to what you and your husband know and love. I support you and your hubby in whatever path you choose. I don’t have my own, I’m the person who didn’t have the ability to have them. I just turned 40… so this door has closed. I have no regrets. No qualms. And I’m happy to help teach and care of other’s kids. If you can have kids, then do so. That’s my gentle suggestion, no pressure, no ridiculous expectations. 🧡🧡🧡🧡
I'm almost 50. I love children all my sisters and friends have children and I often watched them. The oldest is 32 the youngest is six now. I work with children. I have had the same partner for over 20 years. We live in the city we grew up. Our parents are here. We have good jobs. We did decide to not have children. We had the same discussion you have. I didn't regret it for one moment.
Hi Rosie, I feel an interesting thing to add into the mix is that having children is an ultimate learning experience in putting others needs above your own. I dislike that people who choose not to or don't get the opportunity to have children often say they feel looked down upon by the collective. There is room for love in every scenario. Personally I have 2 children, now aged 29 and 30 and honestly it was a lot of hard work and stress especially with teenagers!!! But having a family, in any form, is also a wonderful experience. Getting to know their friends is great too and all youthfulness keeps you engaged with life in a fun and interesting way. Being a parent also brings greater understanding of ones own parents. I feel that if I was 29 again and facing the choice now, purely due to the state of the world and very uncertain future for humanity, I wouldn't be sure I would have children. I really enjoyed this vlog thanks Rosie and actually would like to see more vlogs from you considering life's bigger questions. I love the way you have thought deeply on the subject and also that you invited us to contribute.
Great video, Rosie! I relate to it all and am navigating it too. It certainly feels like overthinking (# relate), but it's actually you making an informed decision *high five* :). This decision also affects the life of the child, like you mentioned. Past conceptions of what life should look like (default path) and resulted peer pressure is tough and exhausting, but in the end, you're right! It wouldn't be their child, it would be yours in your situation and you have decide what feels right for you and your husband. Either way you can have purpose and fulfillment. Intersectionalities - we are many things and one thing doesn't make up the whole picture. And either way, all feelings are valid about the decision. You can feel joy and sadness, grief...etc at the same time. I also liked that you brought up the environmental factor. This decision also makes me think about adopting pets. You think about how cute dogs and cats are, but then you bring them home and realize they're not stuffed animals - they need food, water, space, love, attention, exercise, potty-training...etc, and similar to, but definitely not the same as having kids, it is a big longterm commitment. I also want to stop here and add that I don't want this to be taken as patronizing and/or condescending if this was anyone's experience with pets or having kids. No, absolutely not. We're all just doing the best we can and continuing to learn and heal through our own, unique journeys. In my personal situation and some observations in my experience have made me hope for more consideration of the child, environment..etc, if possible. At this point, I don't think that I want kids, but there's lots of opportunities to experience some parenting without the full commitment whether it's volunteering, coaching, tutoring, babysitting...etc. Again, thanks for the video and sharing. Wishing you and everyone here an easy rest of the day and week.
It's a very interesting subject, and I see a lot of people around me asking exactly the same questions as you. Throughout my twenties, I said I didn't want kids, and at the same time, when I imagined myself at 50, I never imagined myself without. I see the great relationship I have with my parents, and I too wanted to have with me adults that I would have known since their birth and that I would have raised myself. The issue of climate and resources has not tortured me too much; I think happiness is a state of mind, that one can be happy even in the face of adversity, and I hope that I will be able to teach my children to be combative and optimistic. And then deep inside me, there was also this idea: I consider myself to be someone intelligent, sane, with good values, with regard to the protection of the planet, but also simplicity, fraternity (that's what I'm aiming for, I don't brag lol), and I wanted to pass these values on to my children. And I think future generations need people with good values to continue to have children ... In the end, I am 35 years old, I am the mother of a 2 year old little girl, and I absolutely do not regret my choice. And come what may ...
I think your interest in human development is key here. If you and your husband want to experience raising a child.....do it. Parenting is not always a pleasant experience, but it is a unique one. Raising a child gives you experiences that enrich you, tire you, drain you, and fulfill you. I have one child and I don’t regret a thing. Of course there are challenges but if it is what you want, don’t miss out. None of us know what the future will bring, but I don’t think we should stop living. If, at the end of your life, you will regret not having the experience of parenthood, don’t miss out. If you do not want children, then you can live life at peace without them. Good luck !
This is something I've been *trying* not to stress about the past few years. I know that I want biological children but as a queer person, there are so many hurdles to being able to make that happen. Do my partner and I have to make 6+ figure each? Be in debt forever? There are so few companies that have inclusive policies that support IVF for queer folks. It's daunting! I really enjoyed your take on this topic and hope you do more videos like it in the future :)
Thanks for your thoughts on a fascinating topic Rosie. For some as you say the decision is easy, almost automatic, kids come with the marriage package. For the many others a lot of deep thought goes into deciding. I don't think the large world picture of the future should be a considered factor, as no one can really see into the future. It really comes down to the aims and personalities of the 2 individuals. I personally feel you would be a terrific parent, if that's what you and Niels decide.
Most of the reasons that you suggested for not having kids can also be used for not having a second one. I only want one child but unfortunately there are always people making negative comments about having an only child.
For me I have always been confused about having kids. Always not sure. Sometime I want one another time I don’t. I am definitely an over thinker. I can’t seem to decide to go either way. Anyways it looks like am now running out of time so I don’t see it happening. I wonder why I am on the limbo. Wish I have a clear mind about it. Yes or no ugh 😂
I have always known that I wanted children, my husband however wasn't so sure. It took us some time to come to the decision to have a baby and now we are over the moon with our baby girl. And yes somedays I wish I could send her to the moon, but the feeling of unconditional love is very real. I now very often hear the question, when are you going for number 2. And to be quite honest there probably will never be a number 2, but this seems to make no sense to lots of people. They feel she needs a playmate, or she will be lonely or she will be spoiled rotten. I disagree, but hate having to defend my life choices to everyone. I totally agree that any questions about your having or not having children is just very private, personal and should not be asked. I have always hated these questions.
Thanks for sharing this Rosie, I like this types of videos too! I'm also going through this thought process ans it's great to see all perspectives on the topic. I'm very divided like you, so if you find the answer before me (I don't plant having any yet until 5 to 7 years in the future) please let me know XD For me the main issues are that I hate the idea of going through the pregnancy and post pregnancy process. I also don't find babies necessarily cute and I'm not a fan of the age between 0 and 4yo. After that however, I think I would really like that cause I love teaching and educating and once the kid is a bit bigger I think I would really like parenting. Then there's also the issue of losing your free time once you have kids. I'm not sure how well I would cope to never having a moment for myself again, especially at the beginning when they are babies x) Oh, and the little detail that from both my partner's and my side, there's a very high chance of getting twins. I'm not sure of wanting one, what the hell am I gonna do if two pop out at the same time? Haha I've also thought about the world, climate change etc but tbh I don't think there was ever a good time to have kids in the world throughout history. The world has always been a ruthless place. I think it is fair to think if they will ever regret being brought in the world, but sadly that's impossible to know before you have it and it has matured. Anyways, I have plenty to say about this topic but this comment would turn into a book in the end. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us :)
I have an 11 month old son and I adore him but it is so effin hard! Some days it's straight up boring, too. My son is worth it to me but I would never recommend it to someone who isn't 100% sure they want this. It's not for everyone and I'm glad we can all start to agree with that.
I heard that in addition to the question "should I have a kid" you can ask "do I want to be a parent?", hopefully that will give you some clarity. I grew up very emotionally neglected as a child, had many responsibilities with my family in my 20's, I only started getting to know who I truly am and living for myself in my early 30's. I started my healing journey (to heal my body and inner child) when I was 36. When I was 37, I panic (because I am getting older) so I tried for a kid, got pregnant, and had a miscarriage. When I was pregnant, I felt so much love and joy, but also so much fear and anxiety. For me the fear and anxiety were bigger than the love and joy. So I think the experience of being pregnant and having a kid is only worth it if the love and joy are bigger than any other emotion. Now at 38, I decided to focus on taking better care of myself and healing my inner child, as this seems to be a priority and my life purpose. Sometimes my decision gets swayed because people would pressuring me into having a kid. But if I sit in meditation and ask myself what I really want at this moment, the answer is "rest, care, love", the answer is not "a kid". I would say for anyone who wants a kid, once you found the right partner, then start trying early. For anyone who decided not to have kid, you can check out this RUclips channel Wife Without Kids. I think this topic should be discussed more openly so women can make the right decision without feeling shamed or pressured.
Hi Rosie! I really like your channel and I’m happy you made this video about this topic. My husband is from New Zealand and I’m American. We feel that being from two different countries has added a layer of hardship. We feel that where ever we live, we’re always disappointing someone. The decision on whether to have kids or not has been a really tough one for us. We are leaning towards not having them. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
This is the video I needed! I’m in a very similar situation to you in terms of age and bicultural relationship and being an over-thinker with climate anxiety and I have these same thoughts! Glad to know that others are in the same head space and are trying to figure out the best path for themselves.
Absolutely, making a considered choice to have or not have children should be the default. But, if I may, don’t let worry about the future spiral into decision paralysis. Not saying you should ignore this aspect but the people having kids in the early 1920s had no idea of the horrors in store for their children, nor those offspring have lived in happier times. Again, make your own decision but make a decision, don’t prevaricate until it’s no longer a choice. That creates bigger regrets than choosing one or the other, valid, option.
Working moms do way more than stay at home moms. They work plus do all the house chores, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. Stay at home moms do all this stuff but don’t work outside the home. Definitely working moms have it much harder
It isn't that simple. I work 3 days a week now and my time on maternity leave was far more difficult and exhausting than working part time. It's 30hrs less a week of being run ragged by my baby and toddler, working is a mental and physical break. My house also requires less cleaning because it's 30hrs a week less of being made messy by little ones. Everyone is different.
Thanks for this video Rosie... it's a question that's been on my mind constantly, and that I get asked constantly now that I'm married. I'm afraid of having that feeling of nagging regret in either situation.
A couple of pieces of caution: one, loving babies wouldn't be a good reason to have kids because they are only babies for like two seconds. They will be teenagers too and then adults for most of your life! Two, I agree it's really appealing to raise someone who's a good human with all these good qualities, but there's a big piece of that that's independent of you. They might not turn out to be the great people you'd envisioned. That has to be okay too.
So true!
I'm 54 and I never considered NOT having children because it never occurred to me that I didn't have to take the default path. I had my only son at 30 and it has been so wonderful and also so very hard. Hindsight is 20/20 and I would never wish my son away BUT if I had the awareness and self-possession that most young people have today, I may have made a very different decision. Whose to say, but basically this SHOULD be a decision that everyone thinks through carefully. The truth is, raising children - even easy children - with full family support close by - is still a huge personal commitment that changes your life completely... AND brings another person into existence, so they need to be considered just as much. Having said all that, it's still like jumping off a cliff and then going through a one-way door where you have no idea what it is like on the other side. LOVE for sure, but everything else is a just complete surprise... you just can't predict any of it! I wish you all health and happiness no matter what your decision and I applaud anyone who makes the choice NOT to have children just as much as those of you who do!
I think today is also very different due to expenses, and it's something us young people have to consider before having kids. Since the 80s, wages havent gone up that much, but expenses have gone up a lot, but housing is by far the worst offender, being up too 300%+ more even in smaller cities. I know many in the 90s could easily afford a home and only pay a few hundred for a mortgage, vs now rent can be $1500+ for a one bedroom.
From a man perspective: I never thought about having kids until 31/32 and my girlfriend wasn't really into it, so we basically never talked about it. One day I just asked "do you see your life without kids" ? She freaked out a little (because it was the first time the subject came up between us) and she answered "no, I don't", and that was it. I was 33 when we had our daughter and this is the most beautiful experience ever, the minute she was here, the amount of love was already incredible and still is, never felt that before. Raising a kid is, obviously, a lot of work and responsibilities and we don't see ourselves having an other one, but the 3 of us are having the best times together, we're a good team even if she's a pain in the *** sometimes :D.
This is a lovely comment! I am 32 and it’s just hit me that maybe this is something that I would like for my future! My boyfriend and I have discussed it in the past and I know he’s now an adamant no, but both of us have said for the past few years that we don’t want kids! But I don’t know, I’m starting to wonder 🤷♀️ maybe I should just bring it up to him again and see what he thinks, and maybe we will have a wonderful story like yours one day! ☺️
Hi Rosie. I'm 40 and even in my 20's I felt pretty sure that I didn't want children. I still do and I'm completly happy about it, no regretts!
I'm older but I'm the same - I've never even imagined that I'd have children one day. I know many women can't imagine the opposite, but it's never even been a question for me, I've always assumed I *wouldn't* have children, and I don't. I've never had the slight desire to, life is complicated enough, and personally, I absolutely don't want to be responsible for someone else. No regrets, my opinion has never changed.
The only thing I can compare it to is that I always knew I'd have a cat, it was my lifelong dream, and I eventually did have cats :)
Having said that, everyone is different, and there is no right or wrong, it's a totally personal decision and nobody else's business!
Yep - 45 and knew since my teens. Extremely happy about my decision and have never wavered. If somehow I was paid 10 million USD to have a child, I truly still wouldn't do it.
@@seltzermint5 lol what are you making billion dollars???
Pretty sure this decision only weighs heavily when you are on your deathbed. Realizing everything you did with your life was pointless because it all stops when you go. Pretty selfish decision, in a way.
If our ancestors had thought that way we would not be here..
Lol! How would you know what goes through the minds of those who are actively dying? Do you work in palliative care or neuroscience? Just because you think a certain way doesn’t mean it can be extrapolated to the rest of humanity. And life is pointless .. earth doesn’t care if you live or die or if you breed.
It's refreshing to hear someone address this issue in a balanced way. I have made the conscious decision not to have children and people are always questioning my decision, and in a way they almost look down on you for it. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years and we are extremely happy together without the stress and responsibility of looking after kids. We have complete freedom to do what we like and go where we like whenever we feel like it. I am very happy and grateful for the life that I have.
I am a 43 year old woman who has never ever felt any desire for children and frankly find kids quite annoying and boring. I prefer puppies any day. I am absolutely loving my life of freedom and adventure. I live in 2 different continents part time … and I am moving to Paris soon with my hubby. I love my carefree nomadic student life ! Having kids sounds like a nightmare to me !!
Besides the moving to Paris and living in two different continents, this sounds EXACTLY like me! ❤
I adopted internationally as a single mom relatively late in life. There were way, way more reasons to not do it, than to take that huge step. But I took a hard look at what I was going to do with the rest of my life that would bring what I imagined would be that kind of love and fulfillment, and also I was frankly sick and tired of being the centre of my own existence. Has it been challenging? Absolutely. But would I change that decision if I had the chance? Nope.
that's a really good point... me and my ex both felt the same, we were sick of being the centre and life becomes very dull when you get into your 30s and have been focussing on yourself for so long.
I kind of relate too. To be honest, I never really liked children that much. And in my twenties, when the motherly instincts failed to kick in, I considered not having any children at all. But now with 31 and a long term boyfriend who wants children I question myself again. I do love our life and our freedom and I hate the thought of giving that up. But: do I want this to continue for the next 40 years? Should this be all in life? And I'm not someone who likes to take risks like moving to a different country or building my own company, it's hard for me to build a social circle. Even though I have my hobbies I don't really have a real passion in life.
So maybe a child would be exactly the task I need to feel like I have the ultimate fulfilment in life. And even though I can't make a lot of use with other children, I'm pretty sure I would adore my own very much. I just feel I'd miss out on a really huge experience in life. And I love the prospect of forming a new human being who is a little bit like you but you can contribute to him or her becoming even better.
And additionally I do have a the doubts to come: will I be a good mother? What if I'm ending up a single mom? What if the kid will be disabled? Whot will the world look loke in the feature?
So I'm actuelly really torn right now and I agree it is a tremendous decision, especially for us overthinker. ;-)
Wow. People having kids because they bored. 😮
@@Childfree334the word “bored” is a little simplistic. Dissatisfied with the state and direction of one’s life might be more accurate. People make all kinds of huge life decisions for exactly that reason. You, judging from your user name, have made a different decision. Whatever your reasons, I’m sure they are just as valid as mine were for the choice I made.
I've been working in a Parisian daycare for 8 years and as I was getting off work tonight, I surprised myself thinking "Do I really want to have kids some day?". I've always thought that I would want to become a mom some day. I'm 31 now and I'm actually not so sure anymore. I just find it funny that I came across your video right after I asked myself that question.
I'm quite a few years older than you, and I chose not to have children. I have never regretted it. I am someone who needs a lot of alone time. When I'm ready for that alone time, it's an imperative that I get it for at least a couple of hours. When you have kids, that's not always an option. Also, I felt like if I had children I would have to apologize to them for bringing them into this unstable, polluted environment. (It's a beautiful world, but it's in peril.) I love children, and I always say to anyone who asks about my childlessness, "Other people's kids are good enough for me."😍
My kids are 19 and 25, neither of them want children (for different reasons). I support that 1000%. Kids are so amazing, but you must want them. It is fullfilling and amazing, it's also exhausting and a huge sacrifice. Don't question your gut feelings. They are NOT a requirement for happiness and fulfillment.
I don’t want kids. Books I recommend before making an irreversible decision are: a childfree happily ever after, regretting motherhood, baby matrix, and childfree by choice ❤️
I’m a mom of two little boys and toddler girl. I LOOOVE being a mama! However; because it is so hard, I would never pressure someone to “go for it.” It’s a highly personal decision and what’s best for me may not be best for you. I also agree with the cons you present. Part of me struggles with worry and guilt, but I hope to raise epic humans who will rise to the occasion and make the world a better place. I also believe that while a parent/child relationship is unique and intense, it’s not a prerequisite to a happy and fulfilling life. ❤️
Hi Rosie, I am 60 yrs old, male, widowed after being married for 19 yrs. No children by choice. Why… answer : Work and Prayer, according to a Benedictine structure of life. ( Read about the life of Saint Benedict).
Well said 🙂
I have known for a long time that I definitely don’t want children, even when I was a kid myself.
Sometimes, people just do not want children and that is okay. I knew from early on that I liked children but wanted none of my own. I think you just have to go with your gut and feel no need to explain one way or the other to friends/family.
Hi! I've been watching your channel for years already and thank you for all the posts !
I've had my child rather late (38). And...regret it painfully ... I had never wanted children deep inside of me but just listened to the pressure I had been under for years. So the conclusion of the story is "never have children if you don't feel like it or have any doubts".
Thanks for sharing
I am currently 34 and really questioning that inner voice telling me I need my energy for myself (very anxious person 🫠). Thank you for your comment
💚
You shouldn't have had them then. Simple as that. I hope your kids don't ever see your comment here.
Thank you for this honest answer!
We have got a foster child at 40 years old, after 10+ years of medical struggles to have our own. And I am totally not offended by you or anyone bringing up the topic! Our childless life was full and fun :) I love the experience we are going through now, but it’s not easy, and it’s not going to ‚fill the void ‚ if there is a void, or bring you happiness if you are deeply unhappy before.
I’m a mum and love it, but I’m glad that women today know that road is not the only option. I’m thankful I felt like I had a choice. There is nothing more sad than seeing unwanted children, mistreated or ignored because their parents did not put thought into this decision.
Oh dear, don't get me started on the NEVER ENDING questions. An aunt asked me when we were having kids IN THE RECEIVING LINE at my wedding. Remind me again why my reproductive choices are your business? At that point I wasn't even sure I wanted kids for most of the reasons you mentioned. Fast forward a few years, we brought the most handsome little person into our family via adoption. Adoption isn't for everyone but since we decided to become parents, it made more sense to us to love someone who was already here than "make" someone else. He may not look exactly like but his mannerisms and the way he says things is 100% us. It's borderline scary. haha
I love what you said: - 'his mannerisms and the way he says things is 100% us.' 😊
So beautiful ♥️ Wish you all the very best!
Beautiful said/written ✅✅✅
Another perspective: I never liked children until I had them. I am a physician, I have 4 children 10 and under. Life is chaotic, but never ever boring.
And the love, laughter, the adventures - I can’t explain it other than it makes life so so rich. You meet entirely new people, make new friends (and still keep the old though!), and view this world and yourself with new eyes.
Plus, not to be morbid, but as a physician, I see people at the end of their lives. I don’t want to be the person that leaves this life alone.
Yes, having children is hard. But nothing I’ve done in this world that was worth doing was easy.
That's not a guarantee. Nothing in life is.
We all leave this life alone, regardless.
So when I heard you begin your video about climate change anxiety and whether this was wise to consider bringing kids into this scenario, it made me smile. Not because it’s not serious because it is very serious. For a moment it took me back 50 years to the specter of the atom bomb. We sat around and asked each other whether we should bring our children into the atomic age -remember that in the early 60s we practiced atom bomb drills by watching informative movies about hiding under our desks and learning to identify air raid shelters. Shortly after, it was the time of street riots over Viet Nam, and hippies in San Francisco. We were convinced the world seemed irretrievably broken. Every era has their story, none of them less ominous but it seems to me that we grow through each era a bit stronger as we find how to find peace in the dilemmas of our own eras. Some dedicate themselves to social causes to improve the world, some build beautiful families which also can improve the social fabric of their environments. I am the age, I suppose, of your grandmother. It is a wonderful thing that young people have the freedom to choose whether to have children. It is certainly not a calling for which everyone has an affinity and self awareness of the impact of this lifelong choice is key to successful, healthy children. One question I would include with these considerations is one almost never discussed. Everyone always pictures a healthy, happy, normal child. I would add that it would be helpful when choosing to have children to consider what would happen if our child was special needs? What if we had to tag team every single errand instead of leaving together because child care was next to impossible? In my case, my son is autistic and has tremendous care needs every day. He can’t understand masks so we cannot fly. He has Tourette’s so that means no movies, concerts, etc. because he is unable to stop speaking. He will always be 3 years old cognitively and always be with us so no empty nest or grandchildren. So when planning the baby decision I would ask “can the partnership I am in go the distance should this occur?” In the US 1 out of 44 children is born autistic according to the CDC. And marriages with disabled children experience a divorce rate of 75%. Make no mistake, my son is my joy. When I was asked about whether I wanted the test for Down Syndrome during pregnancy I said no thanks because I knew I would love him to the moon anyway. I made this choice from the beginning and never looked back. I wouldn’t change my decision. Just something to consider when imaging outcomes.
I’m turning 40 this year and the decision is paralyzing me. I too and am overthinker. And I’m causing myself much more stress than most people would.
I too am feeling paralyzed with the turmoil of the decision. I hope you and I and everyone else who is going through it gains clarity soon.
@@octaviavideo Me too. Already 40, thought I always wanted kids, but now I am not sure. Have no idea what my decision is going to be -
I’m 35 and am in the same boat. I always thought I wanted kids…but now I’m not sure…did I want them because I thought that was what I was supposed to do?
@@katrinatrammell6079 thank you for sharing this. Exactly the thought process I am going through myself! And also...what If now I am going to "talk myself into" this and then regret it when the child comes. How awful would that be...
I am also paralized for the decision. Im 35 and I feel so confused.
Hi Rosie! Love the topic! I've always wanted to have children, in fact, I remember that when I was 8 y.o I announced to my family that I am going to have 16 children when I grow up!
So, I ended up with two wonderful daughters, aged 17 and 13!
I was definetely trying to spend every moment with them when they were little. I did not care too much about my career growth at that point, neither did I have a rich social life. For me, it was what I always wanted.
Fast forward 10-15 years, now I have much more freedom, I train, dance, travel with the kids and without. There is no wondering in me of what my life could be without my girls, my life for me always had kids in it. 😁
But, this type of life is sort of a dedication and it's not easy. Dedication of time, attention, finances is much higher than most of us anticipate before we have kids.
I never used to urge anyone to have children! Quite the opposite - I urge my younger friends to give it a second or a third thought.
This is a very serious decision, involving lives of many people, even beyond one's family. Having kids is not a luxury, yet it's not a given either.
I commend you for considering this topic instead of just going with what's "appropiriate"! Love from Sweden! Anya.
The decision of creating a family is the ultimate balancing act of biological imperative, emotional need and rational thought. We all have to find our own center of gravity. And re-find it each moment thereafter.
I can only speak from my own experience. I hadn’t really thought about having children. One day I woke up and thought I want a baby! It was as quick as that. Me and my husband were so lucky and had a happy healthy little girl. All I can say is yes your life does change but you don’t care! You don’t even think about it because that little person is the thing you love more than you even thought possible. That’s my experience. I hope whatever you decide you make the right decision for you and have a happy life ❤️
I'm in my late 40's with an AMAZING 17-yo son. I did not want a baby throughout most of my 20's and then suddenly, at age 29, something went DING! and I had a crazy urge to have a baby. (Luckily, we didn't struggle) But for us it was one and done! (I have kidney disease and frankly, only wanted one anyway!) One singular sensation! I gave up working full time, but happily got to do contract work from home. Pretty lucky! 😁 I LOOOOOOVE being a mom. HIS mom. I'm not in love with all children, but I've become fiercely protective of my kid and the children in my everyday life - my two nieces, my neighbor kids and my son's friends. I'm a mama bear and if anyone does anything to hurt my cub (or the other cubs I love) I will bite their butts off! Being a mom has made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. I love my son more than I ever thought possible (and I know my husband feels the same way about him). We've worked hard to create a good citizen of the world and ended up with the world's best teenager (people kept warning me about "those teen years" and I'm happy that we've gotten through relatively unscathed!) He loves photography, aviation, hockey, and the ocean. He's such a fun guy! We laugh, as a family, ALL THE TIME! We're all three pretty geeky and our son has an incredibly quick wit. We travel, play games, see movies and do fun things around our area. We love being just three of us. People find it odd that we just love being together as much as we do. Us Burchs and our two cats. We're happy. 😊❤️ But if other people don't want kids, hey! I'm totally good with that. Honestly, there are parents in this world that SHOULDN'T have kids, but felt pressured to have them. Even for us, we have one and up until he was about eight, people badgered us to have more. Nope! Like I said, we're happy. I'm good!
Hey Rosie, thanks for raising this topic, I’m glad this is a more and more common one. I’m happily child free and could write an entire book about the reasons not to have children - the main ones you’ve mentioned yourself. For me the key issue with having children, is the irreversibility of it. Everything else in life (a job, a marriage, a house…) is reversible, except having a child… and dying. I want the freedom to change my mind, whenever, for whatever reason. And, I’m waaay too busy with my job, husband, cat, social life, music, travel and so on.
Whatever your decision, good luck and well done for asking yourselves questions - if more people were like you, the movie “Idiocracy” would remain a fiction rather than becoming a documentary.
Hi Rosie!! I am about to turn 30, I am in a long term relationship and I agree a 100% with you!!! Thanks for doing this video, now I feel like I am not alone.
Hi Rosie, I'm a 45 year old woman and have been with my husband since we were 15, he is also a kiwi! I knew at 18 after a number of babysitting gigs as a teenager that I didn't want kids, and I've never once regretted that decision. We have a stress free life, have been on many travel adventures, volunteered abroad, have changed careers a couple of times and we both know none of that would have been an option if we had children.
Thanks for bringing this topic up here on your channel. Although I realize this video is not recent and has probably been commented on ad nauseum, I still wanted to weight in. I'm a 67 yr old married woman with one grown up child.
If a couple feel like parenthood is not right for them, it's the best decision NOT to have any children. It is a sacrifice, it is a long term commitment and not lightly to be decided on. Even people who are glad to have had children, it's taken a toll, a toll they were overall glad to pay. I've also seen couples that had children because they were expected to and became very unhappy.
You have every right to enjoy, guilt free, a childless lifestyle. I commend you and wish you all the best in life and thank you for your channel. I enjoy it very much.
I made the conscious decision not to have kids. I thought a lot about it, and found that there are 3 reasons people have kids: selfish reasons, sad reasons, and an innate desire. The selfish reasons are things like "having a mini me" or "to have someone to take care of me when I'm older", and the worst of them, parents that think of having children as a retirement plan. putting the burden on your children to care for you, either physical care or financial care is incredibly selfish. The sad reasons are things like "experiencing love" or "having a purpose". if my partner's love, and the love I get from my friends and family, and from myself isn't fulfilling and enough, then I am doing something wrong. The last reason, which is that some people just have this innate desire to be parents, which I don't have at all. Other reasons I consciously decided not to have kids is because I would absolutely hate the idea of being a single mother. kudos to single moms as it is a really tough thing to do and I love my life and myself enough to never put myself in that position. As much as I love my partner and he's great and all that, nothing is guaranteed in the future. What if they die? what if we breakup for whatever reason? whatever they end up being a horrible parent and I have to carry all the weight of parenthood by myself. and besides how hard it is to take care of children, I personally cannot handle the responsibility of taking care of a disabled child. Whether they were born disabled, or acquired their disability later in life. it is really really tough and I don't think I have what it takes to do it.
This is called overthinking and having a child anxiety I think. I know people who say I don't want to have a serious relationship because I don't know if I am skillful enough to handle it. I am very complicated and difficult they say so... But also this means to stay inside as maybe an accident will happen
@@rudinaalbania Or she just doesn't want to have a kid (Quote: "The last reason, which is that some people just have this innate desire to be parents, which I don't have at all. " - I think that's a very clear reason :)
This is one of the most thoughtful responses. You hit the nail on the head when it comes to wanting children even if you end up divorced, disabled or your partner dies. Also how would you feel having a child that is not neuro normative? These questions need to be asked.
@@rudinaalbania I don't think it is overthinking to ask yourself if you would be ok as a single parent or if your child was born with a disability. There are no guarantees your child will be born healthy
Of course questioning things is normal, smart. But smarter is the attitude that you can move forward despite fear and anxiety. To decide not to have children because of that is sad.
For me, it is the fault of Western cultures that those decisions are so difficult to make. If it weren't for the whole Adam-and-Eve-thinking in our societies, the entire burden and responsibility to raise a child wouldn't be carried only by the two people who produced it but by entire communities. Traditional patriarchy makes things even worse by pushing the main responsibility to only one person, the mother. There is this saying that it takes a whole village to raise a child and I definitely think there is some truth to that.
I personally would never want to have children of my own, but I sure wouldn't mind babysitting or teaching other people's children for a limited (!) amount of time.
I think quite the opposite is true: the Western culture makes it very easy to reject motherhood, find elegant explanations for that and make child-free lifestyle fashionable.
@@Paroles2000 Which are ways to navigate the problems I mentioned.
When I was in my 20's I would have told you I didn't want kids. Since I had my daughter at age 36, I have never been happier my entire life. Even if the world is going to crap, it doesn't seem so hopeless when I have her in my life. Also, you would make such an awesome mom! What an amazing upbringing your child would have with all of your cultural knowledge and language skills!
I am 67 and made the decision at 29 that I never wanted children… I have never regretted the decision xxx
Hi Rosie thank you for this great video again! I'm gonna tell you about how I feel about this question if you feel like reading this at some point! Who knows I'm aged 30 and the mom of a boy turning one in a few days. I'm gonna try to keep the long story short the best that I can. I usually take my big decisions very impulsively and overthink later. When I decided to have the kid, I had been fired from my job three months before and at that same time had left my boyfriend from 12 years and met a new guy. I almost consciously prevented myself to think through the decision of having a baby, I just had one, I was confident at that time that whatever happens, I'd be able to make it work. And overall it's been the case and everything's been fine. I purposely hadn't thought about the environmental question either when taking the baby decision, although I'm feeling very conscious about these topics. I define myself as a minimalist/vegan/use almost only her bike and try to recycle everything but I do feel like these questions are bigger than us when it comes to whether or not having a baby in this world. Back to the baby. I've found another job ever since and he goes to day care. But I do breastfeed him and we are very close all the same.My life has somewhat changed as I'm way more busy than before but I still manage to make time for the things that were important to me. I have kind of sorted out the important stuffs in my life and gave up on the rest but I haven't had to surrender on anything that I valued. I love that I can teach things to my son and give him love but that he can be whoever he wants to be and doesn't belong to me. I often see the decision of having him as not a selfish decision but on the contrary more like a sacrifice that I made to give up on some of my personal time to give him the chance to be alive instead and to offer a new being to the community. Hopefully people will be happy they got to know him and he'll be someone for them as much as he is someone to me. I don't have that many funny stories to tell you about having a baby, and I still feel like I exist as an individual outside of being a mum. And I do love him so much but not to the point that "I've discovered what love means when he was born" like I'd heard some mums say, this didn't happened to me. But I do think that this little boy looks so so cute though and I often wonder how I was able to give birth to such a handsome little guy and I often think to myself that he's gonna be so hot when he grows up
You honestly listed off every single thing I’m also debating - thank you so much for making me feel not alone ❤
I had those unexpected fertility struggles and (fortunately) ended up with 3 beautiful daughters (I was in my 30s & 40s when they came along). There is a totally unique love a parent feels and I agree with the sentiment that parenthood is hard, but worth it. That being said, the only right answer to the parenthood question is the answer that works for you and your partner. I've let my daughters know that I will not be the person who pines aloud for grandchildren. My daughters will not be pressured from me, even in a slightly teasing or joking way, to have children. It is a deeply personal decision for every woman and/or couple to make, and that decision is no one else's business and requires no explanation.
As an accidental expat in small town NZ, I think there's more pressure to have kids than not. As an INFJ I can relate so much to your thought process.
Turn off the news and listen to your heart. Don’t let public opinion or the “ experts” influence your decision. Quit listening to everyone. A “changing identity” isn’t a bad thing. It can change you for the better. Having children makes you less selfish. Do you shy away from hard things? Probably not. So just because it’s hard isn’t a reason to not do it. Life isn’t perfect, with or without kids. As a mother of 3, I highly recommend it. It will grow you in so many ways! It’s the best! If everyone quits having kids...our world will end. What a crazy thought! Stop overthinking. Lighten up and listen to your heart. 🥰
I’m 50 and I made a conscious decision not to have children based on the knowledge I would not make a good parent. Not every woman is cut out to be a mother and I feel as a society the pressure placed on women to have children combined with those who don’t seriously consider what a tough job being a parent is contributes to the awful child neglect stories we see in the news ( sadly a hot topic in the UK right now).
I knew fairly early on I would probably not be a good mother based on my own childhood experiences and it was not a risk I was willing to take finding out if I was right or not. That would have been playing Russian roulette with another persons life.
I thought very very long and hard about it , do I feel sad …some days absolutely because I’m human ..do I regret the decision …no not for one moment despite the fact the world sees me as a selfish child hater who is only concerned with with my own needs I know I did the right thing.
Thank you for that! My own mother is an example of someone who shouldn't had children
@@alp7928 mine too it’s why I could never risk that I’d follow in her footsteps x
I didn’t particularly fancy having a baby and even in my thirties it didn’t interest me. I worked in embryology and it was very common seeing couples going through who changed their mind at the eleventh hour. There were also ladies whose ex didn’t want kids and they just went with it but that relationship ended when they were in their late 30’s or 40’s (usually the ex shacked up with a new girlfriend quickly and had a family anyway, sometimes the ex even would come back to the clinic with the new partner 🤔).
I decided that the risk of changing my mind was too great so I had a baby at 37yo. Best decision I ever made as we are the perfect little family. Can’t imagine life without my 6yo.
I’ve heard it can swing the other way though where people regret having kids and that’s a very unfortunate situation to be in.
Maybe collab with Mama Doctor Jones - she is an American obstetrician who just moved to NZ. She also has four kids. Maybe she can talk about consideration people take when deciding about whether to have kids.
I was always worried about having kids and put it off for longer than my husband wanted to because I was so worried about the world and childcare costs and how can we protect them etc. But then we were blessed with a daughter and 3 years later decided to have another and now have a 5 year old and 2 year old. Obviously the pandemic has brought new challenges but I think the world has always brought challenges. Think of having a kid 100 years ago during flu pandemic, wars, and so much uncertainty. It’s a hard decision and I still think what will my kids face? I don’t think it will ever get less stressful lol. But they are so much fun and make every day interesting for sure!
Thank you, Rosie. I've been thinking about this so much recently. I'm so happy you addressed this dilemma 💜
This is such a personal topic and everyone is going to have a different opinion. Honestly if you are not sure just imagine your life 20 years from now: in a world where you chose not to have kids and one where you did. What does your life look like? Which is more appealing?
I am a mom of two (9 and 4) and was a working parent up until this year. Honestly, I never wanted to have kids in the sense that I didn’t grow up thinking I would have kids or picking out their names, and even when my husband and I got married we didn’t immediately feel as though we needed to have kids. But then something changed and we decided to become parents. It has been so rewarding and I wouldn’t change it for the world! Yes, it is exhausting and a ton of work. That’s why my advice is make sure you’re SURE because it’s a whole new level of commitment when you have a child. It will change your life but change isn’t all bad. It even frustrates me a little when people talk about having kids in a negative manner “your life is gonna suck now. You’ll never sleep again” etc. Babies learn to sleep eventually. And they toilet train eventually. And then they go to school and you’ll wish you had more time with them. It really is such a small blip of your life overall where you will be caring for a baby or a toddler.
And fwiw, my husband runs his own business similar to you and that is a unique challenge for us that other couple s with children we know don’t have. His working hours don’t end at 5 pm and often work creeps into the weekends. It’s not impossible but you need a support system to help you.
Hi Rosie ! Thank you for the video I really enjoyed it. I am in a quite similar situation to yours, I am french married to an Australian in my thirties considering having children or not!
I wanted to point out that I feel like this perspective of children having children being really hard and having to sacrifice a lot of who you are/ changing your lifestyle completely is quite an Anglo-Saxon perspective (to some extent!) I feel like french people see children as fitting into their lives, and I find this perspective more reassuring ! I work in childcare (I have done so in France/UK/Africa) and the way people see children and educate them in different countries is fascinating ! If you do decide to have children I look forward to the videos about the difference you find in education between the French and Kiwi point of vue !
So true! In some countries, people expect women (mothers) to give up their life for their children. Because they are seen as a project. But not in France nor in other no Anglo-Saxon countries. Children are part of life, like older people!
Thank you for making this video. I’m in the process of deciding whether I want to go ahead with my pregnancy for the exact reasons you listed. Made me feel less alone and more at ease that I’m not wrong for being in two minds about this
Ne laissez personne décider à votre place.
I used to be confused about what I wanted...seeing friends getting married and havings kids. Well at 43, i am happy with my life, my partner and all my nephews & nieces. I don"t have the need to have children and I am not "bored" with my time. Each to their own decision, and think deeply of what you really want rather than what you "should" do or not
Completely agree Rosie, thank you for this video.
Me and my Frenchman have been together 6 years and we are 25 so are not feeling pressured to make a decision yet, but this debate is something that we think about a lot. The climate crisis is the main reason why we agree that it is selfish to have children, and like you said they will resent us for bringing them into the world. It is hard to have conversations with friends about it because they dont take the climate crisis seriously or like to ignore its existence for an easier life. People think we are so dramatic when we say its unlikely that we will choose to have kids, but I feel like we are the few properly considering the possible reality of the future. Definitely a hard decision because I had never before imagined my future without children.
Thank you for posting this. So few people talk about the decision making that goes into having children. As for me we decided not to have children.
Watching this cradling my (2nd) newborn, thinking I definitely made the right choice for me. But it’s THE most personal decision and no one should ever feel pressured by society / or worse social media to embark on this journey, which is completely life altering.. and jeez am I tired right now!
Thanks for the super interesting perspectives on this topic!
Thanks for this video Rosie! I find this topic so interesting and I have EAXCTLY the same thoughts in my head every day! I'm 28 and quite a lot of people around me are starting having kids but I know I am nowhere there yet. I have the same douubts as you mentioned, even though I am in a completely different situation, just as everyone has different specific, personal circumstances... I live close to family and my bf and me have been together for almost a decade, so all of our 20s. But my main "isssue" is that I am still a student, working part-time, and I definitely want to move forward in my career significantly before I take a break for childcare. I haven't finished uni yet and it bothers me a lot and I know that a lot of young people who have got ther master's and all at 25/26 are further ahead than me. Also, we get those questions about kids every. single. time. someone hands me their screaming lil baby and then that teasing you mentioned starts... . I'm also someone who reallly enjoys quietnees, alone time, peacefullness, but on the other hand I do think about all the nice things I hope to fill my life with, together with my man. :) I kind of think about how stressfull and expensive (!!) having kids is and right now I feel like maybe one child someday, not plural as everyone always assumes, might be the way to go for me, in a couple of years. If you have one child, you can kind of calculate it better financially, you have only one newborn/teenage/etc. stage to survive, no sibling-drama & fighting, but you still get to experience all the things moms and dads love and noone can say anything to you, becaus you ARE a mother/father. Just not to a whole bunch of them haha :D Oh btw, I'm a proud dog mom now! :)
My partner and I definitely want to have kids in a few years. For now we are just enjoying this time in our lives free of responsibilities. We are going to get married first then have children later. Glad we are child free during the pandemic. It would be a lot more stressful otherwise. We are both essential employees so we haven't had a break. I have always been pressured to be a mother even more when I moved to the states. It's annoying when people don't respect my choices. I want to give my future kids the best opportunities that I can. The most important for me was to find a partner that shares the same values and be in a healthy relationship. I want to give my future kids a stable environment. I often make decisions thinking about how my choices will affect my future offspring. Most people think I'm crazy. I just don't want them to have a bad childhood, like I did.
My daughter is 47….was it worth it? LOL…mostly! You are correct…your kids are not nearly as annoying as other peoples kids….trust me on that! Your child will love you more than you’ve ever been loved…at least until they are teens. Babies are easier than teens….but an adult child…oh yeah…that’s when it’s worth it!!! The time really does go fast…and yes, you will be exhausted the first couple of years. Day care is your friend…or a nanny. My daughter thrived in daycare…I didn’t give up my place in my career..win- win! From age 13 until my daughter got married..we had a mother daughter to NYC..shows, lovely dinners…..priceless!! We’re there days I would have given her to the Gypsies….oh yes!!! Still…having a baby is a very, very personal decision. I only had one…perfect for us….and to add motivation…we celebrated our 50th anniversary this year! I’m sure you will make the best choice for you both!!!
All things considered, I think it has to come down to your instinctive desire - do you and N want to have kids? If the answer is yes, everything else will be worked out as you go along. As someone who is about to move to France with my 2 kids 10 and 14yrs I am excited to give them the opportunity to learn another language and culture - what a privilege! Bonne courage Rosie and Nils!
I so feel like you! Mixed feelings but I think I feel more and more strongly about not having any. That decision even cost me my last relationship, he really wanted kids, I wasn't sure...Such a big topic! I feel all the reasons to go for one are actual quite selfish, not yours necessarily but generally what people say when they have kids...The world is f***** so I don't have a lot of hope for the future....and don't want to bring someone into this world...
I never wanted kids growing up and even into my 20s. I worked in a daycare for a few years from 18-20yrs old and definitely didn't want kids after that. But later in my 20s I began to want a child. For me it was the best experience of my life. It brings so much joy, love, and sweet moments...couldn't imagine life without him. It's up to everyone to make that decision. I just think people don't know what they are missing out on. No judgement if someone doesn't want a child.
There is something so beautiful and inspiring to me about realizing the connection between generations and feeling that connection. I think about my parents and grandparents and even great grandparents and then I look at my seven year old dancing in the kitchen and I realize that my life and his life wouldn't have been possible without them. I don't know if that even makes sense, but it's something that has factored into my decision to have kids---the idea that I could maybe give to a child what my ancestors have given to me. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts.
I am childfree, have decided at 29 and then moved to France where this seems to be a much more controversial decision, I have had soooo many conversations about how women naturally want kids and they feel so sorry for me, while I feel sorry for parents having to deal with screaming kids
Hi Rosie, I love this video!
This topic is one that’s been on my mind a lot lately. I’m not married nor in a LTR anymore but when I was with my ex it just never felt right to try and have a kid. At least not with him, but I think I mistook that for not ever doing it. It was a gut instinct and I’m so glad I followed it, even if it means I’m now in uncertainty on whether I’ll have the chance at all. I had a loooot of pressure put on me to “give” my ex’s mother a grandchild, and that definitely didn’t help at all. I didn’t like talking about my potential child as if s/he were a thing to be had, nor the guilt trips. That among countless other reasons kept me firmly in the child free camp for that entire LTR.
But now, tbh the pandemic really put things in perspective for me. I’ve realized I have at minimum 2 years and at maximum 7 years left to try and have a biological child. I’m not gonna rush or force anything, but I’m also going to try my best to create a family of my own. So I’m putting this out there in the Universe, and I’m making my intentions clear in my heart for it to happen.
I love that not only are you thinking so thoroughly about this massive decision but you’ve also been generous enough to share it with us. I really needed somewhere to discuss this, thank you for making a safe and interesting space for it! ♥️
Rosie, I wish I could sit down for a chat with you about this! I think one challenge (on top of everything you discussed here) is that it's taboo to talk about "wanting to have a baby" or "trying to have a baby" so it feels almost impossible to even bring up the topic. The few times I have brought up my climate anxiety around having a baby, I feel like others are very dismissive. It was really nice to hear someone discussing this topic so openly, thank you.
any young couple talking about this... just imagine that you might end up being a single parent because i think we can say now the majority of couples end up splitting, especially after the pandemic we saw so many splits, much more than before... so we can assume that when there is a crisis that couples mainly split rather than staying together. so... even if someone seems completely solid now you never know what might happen... You know when parents say 'it's really hard' you can never even imagine how hard it is until you experience it. Rosie you are absolutely right to think twice. I have friends who grew old without having kids and you know what... they go to restaurants all the time and have such a great life. They tend to make friends more with other people who also didn't have kids... they usually have animals, like a little dog etc who they totally spoil like a child. sounds nice. :) whatever you choose it will be great anyway and kids grow up and then they are gone... it's about 20 years out of your life which might be around 90 so years. Good luck on your choice. :)
I love this topic so much! So much nuance! I’m not having children, nor am I fostering or adopting, but I always say I have TONS of children because I’m a social worker. I work with families of all types and feel very fulfilled by that. I’m also grateful when family and friends involve me in their children’s lives so I can contribute to their happiness and growth. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything, but I also know how happy my friends and family are to have their children! The answer is different for everyone and you have to make these decisions for yourself!
The one thing I thought about is when we’re 80+ yrs . No one to care for us, just hanging out with the Senior’s at the senior home watching all their kids come to visit and take them out…. Sorry, sounds depressing , and that’s wayy down the road anyway. Just crossed my mind 🥲
I love that the time is here when this can be a conscious decision. I didn’t have that choice, however I have no regrets. I have two amazing daughters who are wonderful women, my best friends, great contributors to society. They have brought two amazing sons through marriage, and four lovely grandchildren who share the values of their parents. Those grandchildren are really the rewards of life. I did not sacrifice any stages in my career, have travelled, and really just enjoy my life enriched by my family. I have a science degree, so I understand your concerns, but I have faith in our young people and in human ingenuity, these give me hope for our collective future.
Rosie, I appreciate your for filming this video and engaging your viewers in a topic that I consider to be critical for our generation. I am pleased to see a growing shift in the openness of this subject. Just years ago it was expected that you would follow the typical life milestones of graduation, career, marriage, and inevitably, babies. Now, women and couples are weighing all of their options --- I consider this shift to be a positive as we are now consciously deciding what to do or not do with our lives. I have friends who have chosen to have children and those are happily childfree, I respect all decisions and above all, am happy that they truly considered their options as opposed to making such an important life decision blindly. I agree with you that having children in today's climate is unpredictable and that is unsettling when you are bringing another human being in the world. Future generations are facing climate change and scarce resources and rising cost of living (+ unaffordable childcare), as you mentioned, and more immediately, life has been significantly disrupted due to the pandemic.
I also want to add that I think you are very wise to "overthink." I wouldn't even consider it to be overthinking. You are seriously considering various factors, within and outside of your control, to help you come to a conclusion of what is arguably one of the biggest decisions a person/couple will make.
If you want to have children, have them. They do change things because a new destiny must now be considered but the profundity of creating a family cannot be minimized. Look deep - go with your feelings. Not selfish. deeply spiritual. The children call us - it is selfless to parent.
“I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers
flow in the right direction, will the earth turn
as it was taught, and if not how shall
I correct it?
"Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven,
can I do better?
Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows
can do it and I am, well,
hopeless.
"Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it,
am I going to get rheumatism,
lockjaw, dementia?
"Finally, I saw that worrying had come to nothing.
And gave it up. And took my old body
and went out into the morning,
and sang.”
~ Mary Oliver in 'I Worried'
I always assumed I'd be a mom, the culture I grew up in wasn't pleasant for those that couldn't or wouldn't. But I was never gonna make that decision unless I was in a stable relationship with someone that I knew for sure wanted kids too. But no one ever came along. Eventually I decided the relationship had to be more secure than kids, and I didn't end up with anyone like that until I was 36 (we got married when I was 38), I'm now 41 and we've mutually decided that if it happens it happens if it doesn't it doesn't. We are not gonna do fertility or IVF because I've known too many people go that route and it nearly break them. But I'm more conflicted now than in the past because I'm older so if I did get pregnant it would automatically be an at risk pregnancy and I'll be an older mom which has its own struggles. I used to have a lot of patience with kids when I was younger but now I find I can only tolerate them for shorter periods of time. So maybe it's fate that me and my husband will be the cool aunt and uncle with no kids. Though I do have to admit that I am a bit jealous of our friends and family that have kids and realize that no matter how hard I would like to, I will never have the relationship and intimacy that a parent and a child have compared to a niece/nephew and an aunt, unless you're an aunt actually raising that kid
@@NotEvenFrench I've thought about fostering. We live in Ile-de France, and the system looks similar to the US (where I'm from), but that's also a big responsibility too
I’m 45, my husband and I have been together for 12 years and we do not have children by choice. I personally did not think people would be as upset with us as they are. Even though I’m 45 people still don’t seem to understand and feel it is their business to interrogate us WHY! I’ve also had many coworkers who treat me poorly because I not have to take kids to soccer practice all weekend. My husband and I are having brunch at a nice restaurant 😀. Moral of the story you will likely be judged either way. Do what you want and don’t look back.
Late 30s here and been married 6 years, together for over 10...not having kids. We're from an East Asian background but from Australia and have noticed how pronatalist society is. It is getting better though..people know not to ask and I think childfreedom is becoming more common. Is being childfree more accepted in France vs NZ or other places like AUS? I wonder if religion plays a part?
I’m a man and it took me a long time before finding the woman with who to take the responsibility to have kids. So we were blessed to have 2 girls. Despite many drawbacks : kids behaviour and education have been a huge source of disputes inside our couple, sure enough intimacy has drastically dropped, nights thinking of family’s finance, compounded by being responsible of’kids. Because we have always been both foreigners living in a third country, it took us 10 years before spending our first week together without the kids, and still we missed them 😂. Despite all that, or because of that, I am the happiest father ☺️
Thanks for speaking out, I think we should talk more about this topic and especially about being shamed if you don't want/like kids, even if you have all the right conditions for them. Thanks Rosie!! xoxo
Rosie thank you for talking about this topic.it really does need to be talked about more. I think we are born and expected to follow the same path, born, go to school, university, get a job, get married then have babies then die. It's a formulation that has worked for a very long time but I think that us changing now. People woman don't feel they need to follow this path. They are self reliant, there's no man we need to marry to take care of us. Some want that life which us absolutely right for them but many I know do it because it's expected of them. Then they gave children and though they wouldn't take them back (good job you can't) it's not what they thought it would be being a parent. It's hard work yes rewarding but you also lose a lot of your self, your body changes, your career changes if you had one. Myself I'm 35 I've never wanted children, friends kids great you play with have fun, then give them back. I've never like the thought of having to give myself up to gave a child as though times have changed woman always end up carrying the majority of the caring, their career suffers, woman's lives change more with having children than men's ever do. It's such a responsibility to be sure you want that responsibility and I don't. I like travelling when I want (try to do it as kindly to the planet as possible) but I like my freedom.
Though I think it's easier for woman to talk about this now I still find there's a stigma when you say you don't want children. I've had the comments your not a woman, your wasting your body, you don't need to find live if you don't want kids you might as well stay single and the old your selfish.
So thank you for talking about this topic. Xx
Technical remark - your audio is doing something weird, as if it flips from one loudspeaker to the other that I have never noticed on prior videos (I am leaving this comment separately so you can delete it)
@@NotEvenFrench look at 1:02 when you move the hand .. and then again 1:06 and then 8:10 - 8:15
Hi, I'm really happy you made this video. I'm 22 and in a relationship for 4 years now, and my companion and I have agreed that we don't wanna have kids, but both our families don't understand why, they want to have grandchildren and they wonder what legacy we'll leave if no one comes after us... But we just want to live more freely, we're worried about climate change and I especially don't wanna go through pregnancy when I see all the struggles it come with, and the pressure on how we need to educate our children... For us there are more cons than pros, I wish our families could understand that...
As so many said before it is a decision you have to make by yourself. I don't think there is really a right or wrong decision you will have no idea how your life would turned out if you decided otherwise.
But if you ask yourself will I cope? Then you maybe should ask yourself these question. 1. Will your partner support you and be willing to take care of things if you need a break? 2. Do you have friends and family to support you where you are?
Lastly if you want to have children I wouldn't let the different cultural background stop you from having them. But more important is are you and your partner able treat each other with respect and help each other when you both had a bad day and are exhausted.
I'm 26 and my husband is 27. I've never wanted children and we recently ensured that won't ever be a possibility for us. You've articulated this so well. Thank you for providing a perspective others might not consider. I do feel so bad for people who do it just because they think it's the "next step". . . but even worse for their kids. Like, if you really want children absolutely have them, but it shouldn't just be the default.
I'm glad that you are approaching this topic as a decision to be made and not just "the next step" in life. There are a lot of good points you brought up.
I'm personally #TeamNoKids for life. I made this decision before I was out of High School though. It's never been something I've personally wanted (and no, I don't have any trauma). I live an amazingly fulfilling and happy life all things considered. As you asked, I could come up with hundreds, maybe thousands, of reasons not to have kids, but you mentioned a lot of the big ones.
One reason I'm glad I made that decision early is later in life I found I have a medical predisposition that would require 2x $1,000 shots, not covered by insurance (good ol' USA -_-), daily (on top of the fact that I know I would hate being pregnant in the first place). That's about $56,000 US$ just in shots, which I would potentially/ probaly die without. No thank you.
All of the "reasons" you gave and many give (in regards to having children) are just not good enough things to sway me personally (and I have maternal instincts when it comes to care/protection of my nieces and nephews, but I see babies and feel no instinctual need or desire to have one, my ovaries/uterus always go eww... keep away).
Ultimately it's a big decision for you and your partner, and I hope whatever you decide ends up meeting your desires.
Listen… because while growing up, my sisters and close family friends had all kids and guess what - it is not true that it’s that kind of love you never felt before…. I don’t know who says that but where I lived people were very honest and mostly they were complaining and…. I kinda believe that they where stuck with it. Also… they fantasize that they will teach the children something beautiful and to be educated and nice, talented, interesting and also that was a big disappointment for the parents because non of them became the kids/adolescents/young adults they imagined! Not at all! And they said that even after all the effort they have their own personality and friends that influence them and it’s not realistic to think so far into the future and think that “what a great kid I will have because of the way I raised them”…. Maybe if I was still 25 and not knowing so much I would have still been attracted by having them but I am not so sure now…oh and also just like you said, I am not at all financially stable during these crazy times
This is a big decision and I’m happy to see you not taking it lightly. With that said, try not to base your decision making on things you and I cannot control (environment, politics etc). Rather, base this decision on what and your hubby would want. And yes, instil the knowledge and values into your child. They become your legacy, a true testament to what you and your husband know and love. I support you and your hubby in whatever path you choose. I don’t have my own, I’m the person who didn’t have the ability to have them. I just turned 40… so this door has closed. I have no regrets. No qualms. And I’m happy to help teach and care of other’s kids. If you can have kids, then do so. That’s my gentle suggestion, no pressure, no ridiculous expectations. 🧡🧡🧡🧡
I'm almost 50. I love children all my sisters and friends have children and I often watched them. The oldest is 32 the youngest is six now. I work with children.
I have had the same partner for over 20 years. We live in the city we grew up. Our parents are here. We have good jobs.
We did decide to not have children. We had the same discussion you have.
I didn't regret it for one moment.
Hi Rosie, I feel an interesting thing to add into the mix is that having children is an ultimate learning experience in putting others needs above your own.
I dislike that people who choose not to or don't get the opportunity to have children often say they feel looked down upon by the collective. There is room for love in every scenario.
Personally I have 2 children, now aged 29 and 30 and honestly it was a lot of hard work and stress especially with teenagers!!! But having a family, in any form, is also a wonderful experience. Getting to know their friends is great too and all youthfulness keeps you engaged with life in a fun and interesting way. Being a parent also brings greater understanding of ones own parents.
I feel that if I was 29 again and facing the choice now, purely due to the state of the world and very uncertain future for humanity, I wouldn't be sure I would have children.
I really enjoyed this vlog thanks Rosie and actually would like to see more vlogs from you considering life's bigger questions. I love the way you have thought deeply on the subject and also that you invited us to contribute.
Interestingly, your comment on the variety that it provides in the family life makes it an exciting prospect for me.
Great video, Rosie! I relate to it all and am navigating it too. It certainly feels like overthinking (# relate), but it's actually you making an informed decision *high five* :). This decision also affects the life of the child, like you mentioned. Past conceptions of what life should look like (default path) and resulted peer pressure is tough and exhausting, but in the end, you're right! It wouldn't be their child, it would be yours in your situation and you have decide what feels right for you and your husband. Either way you can have purpose and fulfillment. Intersectionalities - we are many things and one thing doesn't make up the whole picture. And either way, all feelings are valid about the decision. You can feel joy and sadness, grief...etc at the same time. I also liked that you brought up the environmental factor. This decision also makes me think about adopting pets. You think about how cute dogs and cats are, but then you bring them home and realize they're not stuffed animals - they need food, water, space, love, attention, exercise, potty-training...etc, and similar to, but definitely not the same as having kids, it is a big longterm commitment. I also want to stop here and add that I don't want this to be taken as patronizing and/or condescending if this was anyone's experience with pets or having kids. No, absolutely not. We're all just doing the best we can and continuing to learn and heal through our own, unique journeys. In my personal situation and some observations in my experience have made me hope for more consideration of the child, environment..etc, if possible. At this point, I don't think that I want kids, but there's lots of opportunities to experience some parenting without the full commitment whether it's volunteering, coaching, tutoring, babysitting...etc. Again, thanks for the video and sharing. Wishing you and everyone here an easy rest of the day and week.
It's a very interesting subject, and I see a lot of people around me asking exactly the same questions as you.
Throughout my twenties, I said I didn't want kids, and at the same time, when I imagined myself at 50, I never imagined myself without. I see the great relationship I have with my parents, and I too wanted to have with me adults that I would have known since their birth and that I would have raised myself.
The issue of climate and resources has not tortured me too much; I think happiness is a state of mind, that one can be happy even in the face of adversity, and I hope that I will be able to teach my children to be combative and optimistic. And then deep inside me, there was also this idea: I consider myself to be someone intelligent, sane, with good values, with regard to the protection of the planet, but also simplicity, fraternity (that's what I'm aiming for, I don't brag lol), and I wanted to pass these values on to my children. And I think future generations need people with good values to continue to have children ...
In the end, I am 35 years old, I am the mother of a 2 year old little girl, and I absolutely do not regret my choice. And come what may ...
I think your interest in human development is key here. If you and your husband want to experience raising a child.....do it. Parenting is not always a pleasant experience, but it is a unique one. Raising a child gives you experiences that enrich you, tire you, drain you, and fulfill you. I have one child and I don’t regret a thing. Of course there are challenges but if it is what you want, don’t miss out. None of us know what the future will bring, but I don’t think we should stop living. If, at the end of your life, you will regret not having the experience of parenthood, don’t miss out. If you do not want children, then you can live life at peace without them. Good luck !
This is something I've been *trying* not to stress about the past few years. I know that I want biological children but as a queer person, there are so many hurdles to being able to make that happen. Do my partner and I have to make 6+ figure each? Be in debt forever? There are so few companies that have inclusive policies that support IVF for queer folks. It's daunting! I really enjoyed your take on this topic and hope you do more videos like it in the future :)
Thanks for your thoughts on a fascinating topic Rosie. For some as you say the decision is easy, almost automatic, kids come with the marriage package. For the many others a lot of deep thought goes into deciding. I don't think the large world picture of the future should be a considered factor, as no one can really see into the future. It really comes down to the aims and personalities of the 2 individuals. I personally feel you would be a terrific parent, if that's what you and Niels decide.
Most of the reasons that you suggested for not having kids can also be used for not having a second one. I only want one child but unfortunately there are always people making negative comments about having an only child.
For me I have always been confused about having kids. Always not sure. Sometime I want one another time I don’t. I am definitely an over thinker. I can’t seem to decide to go either way. Anyways it looks like am now running out of time so I don’t see it happening. I wonder why I am on the limbo. Wish I have a clear mind about it. Yes or no ugh 😂
Many women lose themselves when they have kids. No time or money to take care of your interests. think carefully.
I have always known that I wanted children, my husband however wasn't so sure. It took us some time to come to the decision to have a baby and now we are over the moon with our baby girl. And yes somedays I wish I could send her to the moon, but the feeling of unconditional love is very real. I now very often hear the question, when are you going for number 2. And to be quite honest there probably will never be a number 2, but this seems to make no sense to lots of people. They feel she needs a playmate, or she will be lonely or she will be spoiled rotten. I disagree, but hate having to defend my life choices to everyone.
I totally agree that any questions about your having or not having children is just very private, personal and should not be asked. I have always hated these questions.
Thanks for sharing this Rosie, I like this types of videos too! I'm also going through this thought process ans it's great to see all perspectives on the topic. I'm very divided like you, so if you find the answer before me (I don't plant having any yet until 5 to 7 years in the future) please let me know XD
For me the main issues are that I hate the idea of going through the pregnancy and post pregnancy process. I also don't find babies necessarily cute and I'm not a fan of the age between 0 and 4yo. After that however, I think I would really like that cause I love teaching and educating and once the kid is a bit bigger I think I would really like parenting.
Then there's also the issue of losing your free time once you have kids. I'm not sure how well I would cope to never having a moment for myself again, especially at the beginning when they are babies x)
Oh, and the little detail that from both my partner's and my side, there's a very high chance of getting twins. I'm not sure of wanting one, what the hell am I gonna do if two pop out at the same time? Haha
I've also thought about the world, climate change etc but tbh I don't think there was ever a good time to have kids in the world throughout history. The world has always been a ruthless place. I think it is fair to think if they will ever regret being brought in the world, but sadly that's impossible to know before you have it and it has matured.
Anyways, I have plenty to say about this topic but this comment would turn into a book in the end.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us :)
I have an 11 month old son and I adore him but it is so effin hard! Some days it's straight up boring, too. My son is worth it to me but I would never recommend it to someone who isn't 100% sure they want this. It's not for everyone and I'm glad we can all start to agree with that.
I heard that in addition to the question "should I have a kid" you can ask "do I want to be a parent?", hopefully that will give you some clarity. I grew up very emotionally neglected as a child, had many responsibilities with my family in my 20's, I only started getting to know who I truly am and living for myself in my early 30's. I started my healing journey (to heal my body and inner child) when I was 36. When I was 37, I panic (because I am getting older) so I tried for a kid, got pregnant, and had a miscarriage. When I was pregnant, I felt so much love and joy, but also so much fear and anxiety. For me the fear and anxiety were bigger than the love and joy. So I think the experience of being pregnant and having a kid is only worth it if the love and joy are bigger than any other emotion. Now at 38, I decided to focus on taking better care of myself and healing my inner child, as this seems to be a priority and my life purpose. Sometimes my decision gets swayed because people would pressuring me into having a kid. But if I sit in meditation and ask myself what I really want at this moment, the answer is "rest, care, love", the answer is not "a kid". I would say for anyone who wants a kid, once you found the right partner, then start trying early. For anyone who decided not to have kid, you can check out this RUclips channel Wife Without Kids. I think this topic should be discussed more openly so women can make the right decision without feeling shamed or pressured.
Hi Rosie! I really like your channel and I’m happy you made this video about this topic. My husband is from New Zealand and I’m American. We feel that being from two different countries has added a layer of hardship. We feel that where ever we live, we’re always disappointing someone. The decision on whether to have kids or not has been a really tough one for us. We are leaning towards not having them. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
This is the video I needed! I’m in a very similar situation to you in terms of age and bicultural relationship and being an over-thinker with climate anxiety and I have these same thoughts! Glad to know that others are in the same head space and are trying to figure out the best path for themselves.
Same here! Such a tough decision and also tough conversations to have
Absolutely, making a considered choice to have or not have children should be the default. But, if I may, don’t let worry about the future spiral into decision paralysis. Not saying you should ignore this aspect but the people having kids in the early 1920s had no idea of the horrors in store for their children, nor those offspring have lived in happier times. Again, make your own decision but make a decision, don’t prevaricate until it’s no longer a choice. That creates bigger regrets than choosing one or the other, valid, option.
Working moms do way more than stay at home moms. They work plus do all the house chores, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. Stay at home moms do all this stuff but don’t work outside the home. Definitely working moms have it much harder
It isn't that simple. I work 3 days a week now and my time on maternity leave was far more difficult and exhausting than working part time. It's 30hrs less a week of being run ragged by my baby and toddler, working is a mental and physical break. My house also requires less cleaning because it's 30hrs a week less of being made messy by little ones. Everyone is different.
Thanks for this video Rosie... it's a question that's been on my mind constantly, and that I get asked constantly now that I'm married. I'm afraid of having that feeling of nagging regret in either situation.
At 45, I'm respectfully childfree and so glad I've had the courage to be. Thanks for this video!