Abandoned at Age 13 by His Mother: The Sam + Reed Harkness Story | Season 2; Ep 9
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- Опубликовано: 10 май 2023
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Sam Harkness opens up about his decades-long journey to find his mother who abandoned the family when he was just 13 years old. His half brother Reed chronicled the entire process in the critically acclaimed documentary Sam Now.
Watch SAM NOW Streaming Now on PBS Independent Lens from June 6. For more info visit: www.pbs.org/independentlens/d...
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Guest Bio:
Reed Harkness, Director / Producer / Cinematographer
Reed attended film school in his backyard and garage. At age 18, he began making a series of short films starring his younger brother Sam. This was the beginning of a project two decades in the making: SAM NOW, a coming-of-age film that follows his brother from age 11 to 36. Reed also directed the award-winning 30-minute documentary FOREST ON FIRE and the documentary series for Topic, HOUSE ON FIRE. See more at haha.work
Sam Harkness
Sam is currently doing independent contract work providing gender based violence prevention presentations to high school health classes, high school sports teams and college classes. The presentations raise awareness and provide info about dating violence, red flags in relationships, bystander intervention, survivor allyship and resources on how to get help if you're experiencing domestic or dating violence. His Meyers Briggs is Ginny Weasly and his enneagram is type Frodo with an Aragorn wing.
Guest Information:
IMDb - www.imdb.com/title/tt11742162/
Twitter - @SamNowMovie
Facebook - @SamNowMovie
RUclips - @samnowmovie
Website - samnowmovie.com
This podcast should not be used as a substitute for medical or mental health advice. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical advice, counseling, and/or therapy from a healthcare professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issue, or health inquiry, including matters discussed on this podcast.
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I would be so unbelievably proud of the men these boys have become. What sweet, insightful, compassionate, quality people they are.
100% agree
Me too!
This film pulled at the heart strings for sure. I'm so glad Sam and Reed have each other. As a mom it's hard for me to understand why Jois made the choices she did. I wish all them all happiness.
Really feeling the tightrope walk of having compassion for a perpetrator in a family and also for oneself / the survivors. It's suuuuch a difficult tension to hold in itself, but society doesn't help. I've been in too many therapists' offices where compassion will tilt towards the perpetrator, which then means that the survivors don't get to have their understandable hurt and definitely not their anger.
Owning my own stuff, that's why it's hard for me in stories like this not to vilify the perpetrator of harmful behaviours, especially if they're a parent. It almost feels like a need of mine. And it happens out of fear that, if we leave space for compassion for the perpetrator, what will that mean for the survivors? Especially when you know how antagonistic people deal with receiving forgiveness. It's almost like you're handing them a Get Out Of Jail Free card.
I suppose it doesn't have to be so either/or. And it's not that I can't find compassion within myself for the backstory of someone like Joyce. I also see how stories like this are more complex than just being about perpetrator vs survivor. And at the same time, I wouldn't want us to pretend that there isn't a very clear perpetrator/survivor thing happening here. Even in Joyce's backstory where she is a survivor. I recognise our human brains don't always do well with contrasting truths. And it still happens too often that the survivors draw the short end of that stick. Not an easy pill to swallow.
Your words are amazing and it’s how we deal with life’s experiences and to me if you don’t have tools 🧰 in your tool box your just going to go insane or always be sad…….I believe that a good 12 step program is the answer and how humans can function with these issues from our past and future….I suggest a good 12 step meeting or books 📚 on the dysfunctional family system and abandonment issues…..we all have some kind of dysfunctional family issues, it’s how we handle it and find hope and feel/inside our inner child……then the healing beings…..I have been at it for 35 years and it’s so freeing I feel God every min of the day and it’s F In amazing………I was abandoned at age 8 by both parents and my poor older sister bless he beautiful heart ♥️ took care of me and my other sister and the home 🏠 this was in 1960, she was only 13 years old having to become the parent of two young sisters…..not fair to her one bit and I still hold some resentment towards my stupid parents but in a strange way it was probably for the best because we didn’t have to go through their fights in the middle of the night anymore waking me and my sisters up and us crying and scared of my fathers rage……..very dysfunctional family system indeed……….😔 I thank god I had broken that cycle in my life of a marriage of 35 years and going strong……stay happy and safe, because life is to short………🙏🏻
Beautifully written ❤
Thank you, Dr. Ramani for this podcast and broadening the audience for the film, Sam Now. Thank you Sam & Reed for sharing your journey, vulnerability and growth which is hard enough to do on a personal, private level let alone, on a public scale.
What resonated with me most were the many conversations that DIDN'T happen as well as the spectrum of suppression with Joice's adopted mother and siblings and in the Harkness family itself.
I've found in my family-of-origin journey/recovery, the apathetic silence, the conversations that never happened in pivotal moments that normalize the dysfunction to be the most difficult and those relationships taking more time to make sense of and heal than the more overt ones.
These guys are so strong. Vuln narc mom's in my experience don't have to leave to not be there. They withdraw are cold yet expect their kids to show them love and empathy, be mind readers for their feelings yet don't have compassion for their children. These guys their dad and grandmother are very strong empathetic and kind. Great podcast, thanks for sharing. We cannot cure their hurts but damn do these styles of parents hurt us and pass on the trauma
I love when he says he recognized those patterns that were maladaptive behaviors and replacing them with better coping mechanisms
This is a very profound interview! These sons are so strong!
I'm an adoptee and a mom and what you described about these guys' mom kind of resonates with me and explains me various emotions I have (for example when feeling cornered and overwhelmed wanting to just run away and leave everything behind. Though, my love for my small kids always wins, I can't imagine the horrible feeling they would have if I just disappeared. I try to put myself in the shoes of these brave boys and I feel so sad for them being abandoned. Maybe the adopted mom abandoned them because she reenated what has happened to her but this she was not an infant who didn't have any control over the situation. As an adult she felt having control over the happenings. I think in psychology I've read about these unconscious reenactment of certain negative situations in order to remain in control. Of course this is not giving excuse but trying to understand the dynamics.
I want to ask listeners not to generalize adoptees. Not all adoptees will grow into narcissistic adults, nor drug addicts, etc. There are of course such cases but we are all people with different characteristics, different stories, we shouldn't be put in the same category.
Also, appreciate humanizing the perpetrator and the experiences that contribute to their hurtful behavior choices, without making that into an excuse for allowing it to continue unchecked. Because the fact is that Sam could choose to "apologize" in the same making excuses sort of way, but instead chose to go to therapy and improve his responses/interactions when things trigger him.
He has very intuitive survival skills, he knew it wouldn't go well if he call her out and he didn't want to lose the connection. I can relate to this in my own story. I would say it supernatural but on rethink it's trauma.💜
Well, this is hugely triggering to me but I pulled throught listening theough the entire video.
I can relate to them except my mom left when I was 7 years old. My mom never explained to me how and why she left me. Later in life I have 4 other siblings. I consider her just my birth mom because for decades she neglected me.
It's when I got married when she started to present herself in my life but it's burdening because I felt like it's a transactional relationship. To me, I felt bettayed because she never sees me as a daughter but she only sees me when she needs money which is why I never thought of her as a mother but someone who dead to me.
I get that she has issues but I am still a human being with feelings. I did tell her that when she talk to me she needs to see the humanity in me rather than a person wlshe can count on for her.
This is very triggering to me. Happy mother's day!
You are so blessed to have your brothers along with you on this journey
Wow, incredible young men. I have compassion for all involved, even their mother.
Another fantastic episode! Can't wait to see the movie. Thank you for bringing these things tonight. And specifically some of the ways that you spoke about the experience of survivors. Especially at 1:07:50 and 1:16:05 very succinct and helpful in naming the unique challenges we face in these complex relationships.
I watched this on Pbs last week it was very good.
Such a powerful story and movie. Thank you for interviewing thing. I felt so many emotions watching the film, it was great and rather validating hearing Sam and Reed’s emotions in this interview were similar to my own. So often, I have questioned my own responses and the reality is they were appropriate responses to inappropriate situations. ❤❤
Hi, this film 🎥 is amazing and these beautiful souls are remarkable and I’m going to say that their amazing strong father stood by these boys through it all and that says a lot for this selfless father……lets give him a huge 🤗 I wished my father would have done what this father did for his boys….both my parents left the home when I was 8 years old and my poor older sisters had to step up and care for me and our home…….this was very dysfunctional to the hilt……….thank God we lived in a nicer part of Carmichael ca, but bk in the 1960s most of Sacramento ca, was very nice and quiet but it had some bad to………😔 These men should be so proud and know they are special and no one can take that way from them ever or made to feel bad or that it was wrong to find their mother…….they can now embrace it for what it’s worth and start their own families and show love 💕 to people who really care for them…..Their mother is kind of delusional and selfish yes a narcissistic egotistical person…….and you can’t do much with that kind of person, only remember you get what she gives and sometimes that’s ok to ,love her when it’s right for you and if she is acting indifferent that’s hers to own…..not yours to own and know that your 🥰 by others that are a big part of your life today and always…….🙏🏻💕🎥👏🏻 LET GO …….LET GOD…………😌
Yup you said it, your parents left, actually the vast majority of humanity is unimpressed with the vast majority of baby boomers. Champing up another with grandiosity won't bring your dad back. But show this fcking bastard some love for representing Carmichael Sacramento there was some bad there too.....
You know when you compete for Queen Status how easy it is for you to fly in and ask for some love, but you're not going to get loved on here,
I will own you actually,
Because with the baby boomers who are still looking for grandiosity,
Nobody really impressed with a damn thing from the baby boomer gen, you're still looking for your mom and dad, you didn't do the work, everything to you is a hype up a grandiose moment to fill the void,
looking down on woman to uplift your own damn self,
Because you don't know how to uplift your own damn self,
You couldn't pull uplifting yourself out of your ass, nevertheless here you are to compete,
Females needing queen status faking their way in, with zero cred,
Inbred into the fabric and culture,
Shit show.
You're going to have to go now, Let Go and Let God
It was the duo of the dad as well as the grandma, and then the communal,
The matter that I think he handled right, which nowadays most men would vehemently argue to the contrary, was that he did not go after her for child support.
Thus less warring, a chance for a reunion later.
Nevertheless
Did the dad ever grow up?
he was still calling his mom to "report" Jois and the rage was palpable. Not that the rage is wrong but you can see how those enmeshed families handle it's they don't talk about it, mishandle it and put the responsibility onto the younger gen.
People think oh amazing because that's so Murican. As long as he goes to work in a healthy dissociated state and invests in their sports, he's the champ champ champ. In real life the vast majority of humans are unimpressed with the vast majority of baby boomers.
What makes a good dad is also what makes a terrible, impossible partner?
Ever tried living with an infantilized son still relying on mommy to make emotional decision?
Take to your grave how you looked down on woman to uplift your own damn self. You think you can be queen with that mentality?
Now you gonna have to let go and let God.
I came home from school when I was twelve and a half and my mom was gone.
Incredible story
The first time I went through a divorce was after I went to a woman's shelter and then into subsidized housing with my 2 children now my 2 oldest adult children out of 4. Until they disappeared out of my home in the early morning after one of them at 10 answered the door to their father whom they were starting to miss in the early morning. Then I learned that estranged husband had not only just 1 lawyer. He had 2 lawyers working for him at the time. 1 of whom much later was doing a good job of representing Omar Kadhr when he got a large settlement from the Canadian government. Maybe I need to watch the film. From the time my youngest son was only just past one year of age after his father filed for divorce while I was with him in a woman's shelter at every turn he did everything to try and take custody of him away from me altogether for well over a decade regardless of the fact that it was me who first offered him equal time joint custody which was very painful for me to do after his father refused to return him during his first visit to him after I read a copy of that divorce document delivered to me while in the shelter by my own mother in an unopened envelope. While my lawyer was saying that because he fell out of his crib there after I left the room when I believed he was sound asleep enough for me to visit with other people in the shelter for an hour before heading to bed myself and so chances were high back then that I might lose custody of him altogether. I started feeling like I was being hunted by fox hunters who only saw me as only just being another getting old fast fox to hunt. When as result all my resources got depleted while my son was admitting that he was growing resentful towards both of us for him having to go back and forth between 2 homes almost 100 miles away while leaving his friends behind on weekends after he started school then I stopped insisting on access then all of a sudden their father did an about turn to pretend in front of many that I had abandoning my son. No mention however though about his step mother who abandoned not only my children. When in turn fleeing him too she took their only biological child while abandoning 2 half children to that child and any foster children he may have been sheltering at the time too. By calling me when other adults were in the room to 'beg' on the phone for me to take our son to my home for visits again as if our son wanted that to happen which he did not.
How can i watch this in the UK?
Within the first 20 minutes, my thoughts are that she was seeing someone else behind their backs or she wanted to get out but was too cowardly to speak about it and negotiate it...
Or maybe she was afraid she'll be murdered by her hubby for leaving.
@No-xs1no doubt it. Didn't seem like she was in a domestic violence situation
@Lenayo Ramani and her guests hide a lot of information in these podcasts. That's a pattern I noticed. I don't trust her at all. She really showed her true colors with these Red Table talks.
@@lenayo5039 Wasn't her husband the person they described as a sweet first grade teacher?
my only question here is, why is the "mom" acting in this manner vilified more when compared to a Father acting this way.
We should not endorse the mother being worse than the father
(when one leaves their children)
Dr. Ramani, I’m sorry but it’s just not true that fathers leave more because of “cultural” reasons. You yourself said that it’s a universal phenomenon, if it’s universal it’s not cultural I’m sorry. Men and women have always been different in parenting in every culture in every time period. It’s biological and to suggest otherwise is intellectually dishonest