What it's like to be the scapegoat
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- Опубликовано: 10 июн 2024
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Key Points
00:00 - What is the scapegoat?
00:36 - Who is the scapegoat?
01:14 - Why do parents scapegoat?
02:05 - Adult impact of being a scapegoat
03:28 - How to heal
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Yes, I am the family scapegoat. I had to go no contact with my entire toxic family. My mental and physical health are more important than dealing with abusive family members. It's so sad that the people who were supposed to protect me did the most damage. I am still trying to heal from all the pain. Thank you so much for validating my experience.
You're so welcome, thank you for watching.
I had to make that same difficult choice. I feel your pain. I'd rather miss the few good times than continue to suffer so they can feel like the Family is "complete". Complete with a scapegoat is NOT NORMAL.
Same…
I hope that you find healing
It is painful at first, but i also have gone no contact with my toxic family. It was hard over yhe holidays, but i think it will be worth it in the long run
Scapegoats often become cyclebreakers, which speaks to their inborn deep awareness and emotional intelligence. Boundaries with people who drain your energy, and a strong commitment to your self-care are key! Fantastic video.
Scapegoat cycle breaker here. I am so happy to be the cycle breaker. The children around me are safe & happy.
@@mrs.america So proud of you + Thanks for sharing!
I was the scapegoat in a chaotic family with a violent father. I still struggle with feeling that I do not have the right to exist. I feel that I want to be forgiven for taking up space on this earth. Not many people would ever know I feel this way. I mask it by always going above and beyond at work and in relationships.
Scapegoat here, perfect explanation! It's taken me most of my lifetime to recover, I am 60 now. Suffered all the impacts. I went no contact 20 years ago from my abusive, narcissistic and alcoholic father. BEST thing I did for myself!
Is your dad still alive?
Well done🥳!You should be proud of yourself,you did it even before all this info became readily available🌞👍🏻👍🏻.
Yup.
@@shimmerydew
I get the feeling I have been scapegoated in a way that was subtle and hard to see for me…until today..I sometimes wondered why my parents and sister make fun of me still today and this was a hint… I think my mother repeated a pattern from her childhood. All characteristics hit home: I am highly sensitive, not completely compliant and saw my sister being treated better than me.. often in a quite subtle way… it was clear that my parents favored her… thank you Dr. Nicole ❤
I got the same story. I am so sorry.
Same! A year ago i did not think i was “abused”. Now my parents acting up and im re-thinking all the negative parts of my childhood
I am the same in that I suspect from the outside world, most people would think my parents didn’t treat me all that bad. It was mostly subtle! “We are just joking” “lighten up” “we don’t have favorites”
But all the adult symptoms are there.
I was the scapegoat in my family. I’m almost 50 now and none of this information was available when I could’ve really done with it. What I’d have given to have seen a video like this validating my horrific experience at home. I spent all my life feeling defective and worthless. Even though I’ve started my healing journey and been on it a while, I still have so far to go. I’m just so weary and exhausted by it all.
You are making the world a better place with every little thing you do in spirit of your healing, thank you for facing the hardest thing possible 🦋💖✨️ i love you
@@katharsis5601 thank you SO much for your beautiful words. 💜🤍💜
❤
Much love to you. Stay focused on yourself. I know that can be very difficult because you think it's selfish, it's not! You deserve a fabulous life.
we only ever have now, and the fact that despite years, you are still looking for how to heal, and sometimes one year can turn everything around. Be gentle with yourself. Ive found the biggest healing growth I experienced, was in pulling my energy back completely from people. Learning to do absolutely nothing to cater to people's needs, to break that habit, and learn to be very selective with whom I spend time... because we DESERVE to be treated woth respect, and only respect. I began to validate my emotions every time I felt disrespected. Now I say when I need space, and learn to speak my needs lkke "im going to be by myself for a bit, to recharge my energy, but it was nice to see you". I domt respond to texts right away, but when I am ready. I have few people, but each of them add to my life or interactions are meaningful. Otherwise I dont engage, no longer just a resource to exploit. And with that attitude it opens energy to give without resentment and avoid codependency.
I was the scapegoat. I'm just now starting my healing process and remembering a lot of what was done to me as a child.
I'm proud of you for healing. Thank you for being here.
I’m glad you’re on the healing journey ❤❤❤❤…
There will likely be many memories that return over time both good & bad.Other channels that may be very helpful for you are Jerry Wise,Surviving Narcissism,& Dr.Ramani.Warm wishes for your healing journey,it gets better with self-work & time🌞👍🏻.
Yep. This is my wife.
I've watched it all go down over 30 years.
She's been no contact for 12 years but the smear campaign continues. Yet, everyone on my side of the family thinks she's the most wonderful person ever. As do I.
It's interesting how these family dynamics or almost from a script. Everyone who experiences this has the same story. How can this be?
We are all the same in different ways. My prayers for your wife for quick healing. 🙏🏼
Your wife is very fortunate to have you…..a trauma therapist told my scapegoated husband….’you retained enough goodness to attract your wife’….he was incredibly damaged by his heinous toxic family
Love & Prayers to anyone who has been a scapegoat ❤🙏
Right back at you!
I was the scapegoat. I am about to publish a fiction book about a fictional character who went through what I did, and he’s now learning to heal at 27. I wish I had known about this when I was 27. It took me until my mid 40’s to learn that I’m not worse than other people, and that I’m not wrong all the time. I have always ended up believing invalidating people and feeling like they knew better. I felt like I had to become somebody else to be acceptable and stop being the weirdo. I know that isn’t true now. There are so many positive traits of mine that were ignored or made to look like negatives. I am learning to love those things now.
Was & still am the family scapegoat. Am 50 now & exhausted, I have boundaries, but time to tighten these or ho no contact so I can reach my full potential
I don’t even have to think about it- I know I was the scapegoat & it’s still affecting me currently.
Me too, and it is so evil.
Yes. They ignored me unless they wanted to use me for "entertainment". I was coaxed and baited out of my room...always thinking/ hoping they'de be nice but i was always the punchline and ended up in tears or sad and confused at their meanness.
Lived thru that and turned around and married one for ~20 years 🤷🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
Needless to say my cptsd is
still debilitating sometimes even now!! Narcs do so much damage and show their pleasure with that
😏smirk ... Pure evil.
( Your mom daughter skits are incredibly helpful!)
I was definitely a scapegoat. I am very very sensitive and artistic/ creative. I was the brunt of jokes by my parents and siblings. Being from a vastly mixed family from almost every continent, being "the dark skin one with the only accent" was the nail in the coffin. I have done some counseling and have come a long way. Thank you for your videos! I have a open mind because of growth from past traumas and regularly watch your content!!! Thank you! ❤
I was the scapegoat but tried desperately to be perfect in the hope that I could be the golden child. Still, it was never enough and my sister got that role. My parents used to pit us against each other, so there wasn’t room for more than one child to be ‘loved’. Ultimately, though, we were both mistreated and being the scapegoat may have given me a headstart on growing into myself while my sister is only now just cottoning onto our family’s dysfunction
Same life, except my golden child brother is still deeply enmeshed. I'm slowly losing hope that he'll be able to pry himself out of that mess.
I relate to this, although my parents would argue that they loved us both, it is as if there was only one place to be loved and change of roles from Golden child to scapegoat. Now we have no more connection with my sibling anymore. Too difficult to live that.
Why does a parent need to put siblings in rivalry? Can anyone please explain that?
I’m the scapegoat of 5 kids. My mom would sick my rageful dad on me, I was always at fault, told the devil was in me and working through me. I developed mystery stomach problems young and at age 14 when I was a camp counselor helping a sick camper I realized other people don’t usually feel sick after they eat.
My parents taught my siblings through their behavior and I always feel defective because each sibling wants me to change one thing or the other about me (how I dress, how I speak, how I parent, how I think).
Now in adulthood I’ve begun to see why I haven’t felt close to my therapist sister like I used to. She scapegoats me too and is completely comfortable criticizing anything and everything, making sure I know that other people didn’t like the gifts I gave them, telling me just to come to the holidays, dad won’t hit me again.
My husband has his own issues and won’t defend or protect me. The same patterns of choosing even strangers over my well-being.
It’s hard to find a therapist who understands the nuances of scapegoating. And that no, I wasn’t a naughty child. I was the most well behaved of us, over-achiever trying to be lovable to my parents.
It's interesting how also my over-controlling sister is a therapist of sorts, yet is unaware she still has work to do on herself. I certainly do.
Your comment is very well written and there is alot about your experience that resonates with me. Thank you for putting it into words.
Wow. This is such an eerily accurate description of me and my family. I’ve gained a lot of understanding over the years, but the struggle continues. Thanks for your work- I really appreciate it.
Eerie seems to be the right word. It’s strange how so many immature parents can resort to this type of behavior towards their own flesh and blood.
I have been the scapegoat my entire life. It hurts so much. I've given up my family because the pain of all the meanness is too much.
Me too! Hurts really bad.
Yep, I’m the scapegoat at the moment. Mom and sister are very emotionally immature and can’t take responsibility for how they’re acting, so they’re blaming me for my sisters kids not wanting her in their lives. 😂 No joke. It’s unreal😜. Sooooo I’m just stepping away and hoping they can figure it out.
Yes! Everything you said was true . I actually did heal when i got angry and started to love myself. I told my younger self that it wasn’t my fault and that i was funny, creative and awesome! ❤
Yes , I feel like I was first a golden child & then the scapegoat. I think that I was blamed for being too perfect in a way. Maybe my mom was jealous of me. She always said that my perception was off. That exact phrase she said to me pretty much every day of my life. I became severely anorexic . I’m ok now. 43 years old. Often I feel like I never want to see my Mom etc ever again. And I don’t want to go to Christmas. I usually force myself to. I feel so disrespected by her and my siblings etc. I Love my children. Unfortunately my husband is a lot like my mom and we are nearing the end of our relationship. I’m glad that I can see that he is like poison for me though. Noelle
I too was the golden child until I got to the age that I started having opinions of my own. I can see now that it was clear jealousy from my mother, telling me as a child that my existence caused my father not to love her anymore. I align with a lot of what you say here. I'm spending the holiday alone, don't be afraid to set those boundaries for yourself if it would make you happier
I always knew my family treated me differently. I couldnt understand why. Always thought there must be something wrong or bad about me but I couldnt figure out what. Now after years of research on npd and the internet I find the name or dynamic in this dysfunctional fam system. I'm getting old now and sometimes think, why bother? Well 1 year or 20 may pass. I can heal or not but the yrs will pass eitherway. I would love to be free of this ugly stone around my neck that has not allowed me to fly all my life. We all deserve to be free.❤️
And yes , it’s so great to be the weirdo ( sarcasm), especially when your a good person and really not that weird. Ugh.
Nicole, also can you explore the topic of undiagnosed ( or diagnosed) autistic(females) falling too easy into this scapegoat box? I think it’s painful but worth looking at … covert narc moms just couldn’t keep themselves together & handle us/it.
The finding my own path part made me cry right after doubting the bit about the insecurities being from my parent and not who iam, i then thought of today and how I was different to my daughter who came to me on the sofa with a spoon of sudds from.her sensory play and just rubbed it all over my face and i just took a breath was silent with my autism being triggered as wet clothes are my worst sensation i still turned thsi around instead if shouting or even saying anything negative i turned it into a game of making me a beard made of suds and we all laughed my baby was playing with the suds on my face finding my mouth and nose it was a fun memory instead.
Honestly your books have healed my heart around this as a fellow scapegoat. I appreciate you so much Dr. Nicole
thank you!
@@TheHolisticPsychologist I bought one lately, ready to heal more with it.
I’ve recently decided to go low contact moving toward no contact as a result of your videos. Guilt prevented me from doing it for years and your videos have shown me I don’t need to carry that, my job is to heal myself for myself and my kids. Thank you ❤❤❤
I was the scapegoat and had to cut off contact with my parents and limit contact with my siblings. The cycle of abuse is too alive and well and I can't be part of it directly or indirectly. I've changed but they haven't. My focus now is on validating myself and making space for people who are good to (and for) me.
59 year old scapegoat. I’ve also become self sustained in that role. My upsetment grows because I feel ugly when I scapegoat myself for others. I’m chipping away at it. Your videos are helping.
I was, and still am, the scapegoat. I had two emotionally immature parents and three siblings who were all treated better and even encouraged to be verbally abusive towards me. I've been no contact for years now. Now my family is trying to reach out and "fix things", but I have no interest. I'm happily married and I work with kids for a living. I don't need to repair those relationships to feel fulfilled now and they don't appreciate that.
I was the scapegoat but started therapy thirty years ago at age twenty-two to break the cycle of dysfunction. Thirty years later, my family still used me as scapegoat, even yelling at me in funeral home on the day of our mother’s viewing and funeral. My siblings threatened me and were explosive with emotional and verbal abuse, but I stood up to my siblings, and having finally chosen to cut the thread because I know the truth of abuse our family endured growing up and they choose to live in denial of the impact and excuse abuse. Therapy is the gift I gift myself so I can remain grounded, stand in my truth, break intergenerational trauma, and be the intentional conscious parent to my son. Thank you for sharing wisdom to end cycles of abuse so we can learn, grow, and thrive. 🙏
Thankfully, my family isn't like this, but I have witnessed the damage this treatment does to a person. One scapegoat I know is such a sensitive, intelligent and kind person (who has had some serious mental health problems as a result of her awful family) but her selfish, charmless, cocaine-abusing brother is treated like a golden child who can do no wrong!
The impact of denying your own reality, it is the worst one. It makes sense when you get out of proportion reactions, to go to self doubt and think you caused it. I watched a video on Codependency from you today that shows one of the pillars to be the idea that EI people can have that others caused them to feel a certain way. and that is false. It did bring up this question for me though, especially as a scapegoat in adult relationships: what is the difference between attuning to people in our lives and being with them in their reality as opposed to being guilted into thinking we caused them to feel a certain way? How can we be in the same reality with people we love, for them to be aware of the space we are in and for us to be aware of the space they are in without making ourselves or them responsible for how we/they feel. Basically trying to flesh out the difference between attunement and codependency. Thank you.
I agree, it can be so damaging.
Yep! Hello... or Maaaaaaa......( goat noise ) ... Scapegoat here. One way I can look at it now, is I am the e-scape.... goat. After decades upon decades of going to therapy, trying to be in relation ship with my family of origin members, I can hold my head up with love and hold my head high, and say to myself - ' you made it through, and you are an incredible human be ing. None of what happened was ever, ever your fault - NOW... after all this time, you can be like the FOOL in the Tarot deck, and start to explore yourself, the world, find out what your interests are... just go for it, go for GOLD! You deserve it'. Really Re Start LIFE again... with a sense of adventure, and curiousity. Big Stuff! Thank you so much @TheHolisticPsychologist.
I was the scapegoat. I moved out when I was 20, cut contact when I was 23. The worst wasn't the verbal and emotional abuse itself, it was the lying afterwards that nothing happened. Essentially, it teaches you that you can be shamed and humiliated for no reason, without any consequence for those who have shamed and humiliated you. It's the gaslighting that breaks your sanity and causes all sorts of health issues, not just the abuse itself. Also, when your parent teaches you that you can be disrespected every day and that it's normal, when someone else will do that to you, that natural anger-reaction will be suppressed, because you've had to suppress it at home your whole life.
So by the time I was 25 I had read enough psychology and had done enough inner work so that I had the strength to assert my own reality. I went home and confronted my mother, hoping that she would acknowledge my feelings and how she had treated me. But not only would she not apologize or take responsibility for her actions, she wouldn't even admit that I was abused, so she continued to gaslight me.
So I slapped her across the face twice, walked out of her house, and haven't seen her or talked to her since. I did this to communicate towards her, towards my family, but most importantly, towards myself, that I cannot be shamed and humiliated for no reason, or if I am, there will be consequences.
I had to continue reading books such as "when the body says no" or "the body keeps the score", and I had to continue to work on myself, but I'm doing very well now. Family members who failed to stand up for me when I was a vulnerable child have also been kicked out of my life. My approach may be brutal but it has always been counter-intuitive to me to waste my precious energy, time, and attention on trying to repair my relationships with people who were trash to begin with.
In my experience, a healthy amount of selfishness was required for this, I don't think walking this path is possible without achieving a certain degree of shadow integration.
You shouldn’t be hitting anyone, especially your own mother
The suppressed anger reaction... still looking for it. I WANT to feel anger, because it will prove to me that I can value myself again and that i still have pride, Or that I can have it back.
The slap on the face, I did it once, it was so scary. And it wasn't even a real slap because of the fear. She slapped me back so hard. I can't say it helped me and I wish it gave me at least satisfaction at that time. It made her angrier only.
Tried to communicate through family and cousins soo many times that I wouldn't accept their treatment, didn't work really well.
@@smakkdatf her mother. She doesn’t owe an abusive liar anything! Welcome to 2023 where elders don’t automatically gain our respect & where we **DO NOT** have to be seen & not heard. F her mom & f my mom too for the same reasons she stated!
@@GreenstarTrueI dunno - me being scapegoated by my family & husband has made me full of rage & hatred toward a select few of them. It’s terrible. It’s consuming.
@@mrs.america ok I get what you mean. I feel that too, it's so strong you want to do something bad. And it's exhausting. I was talking about a different type of anger, I want to call it healthy, since it would remind me that it's okay to express myself and defend myself. I consider it as "true anger" because the one you talked about is the one that keeps us trapped in the past. I discovered that it can be treated by focusing on the present moment.
Yes very much the scapegoat. Actually reading the book adult children Of emotionally immature parents right now. After many years of denying my healing process. I am finally doing the therapy along with those books of yours.
Impact: CPTSD, self esteem issues 😔
How to heal: I've been trying the inner child work and forgiveness... It's very hard... So much grief...
I read the following books: Forgiveness is a Choice, Forgiving What You Can't Forget, Book of Forgiving.
Also: Long Walk to Freedom is on my list.
But I had to do a lot of Inner Child work before getting to where I am at rn.
My heart goes out to anyone who's been trying to recover from childhood trauma... ❤
Keep healing, keep loving yourself ❤
Wow this hit hard. How can parents be blind to the injustice they put on the scapegoat? And more importantly, how can you stop being the scapegoat in other dynamics such as with colleagues or with friends?
That's me, the truth telling cycle breaker. It never ends. Same stuff happening at 50 that I was dealing with at 15. Just need to keep ninja boundaries with them
This was my brother and I . I was super curious and was the one that had to care for everyone. I just came to this realization earlier this year when trying to work through my divorce from a narcissistic ex husband and talking with my older brother who had a similar experience. In our family we still have this same dynamic and now we are started to change things. Thank you for this information
EVERY single point is my life. This is kind of creepy 🤯 Glad I found you ❤ Thanks for helping me out of it 🙏
I was the scapegoat. I also believe my mother was repeating patterns from her childhood. She always said that she wasn’t the oldest, and she wasn’t a boy, and therefore she was ignored. My mother was teased at school as a child, and when I came home and talked about how much teasing I was getting I was asked, what did I do? I was blamed for everything. My sister was treated completely differently. I recognized this so long ago, but every time I would tell this story people looked at me strangely. Thank you for validating my entire childhood experience. I have 31 years clean from drugs. I’ve been to therapy multiple times, but the last two therapists have helped me the most since I was diagnosed with complex PTSD.
I’m still trying to find my value and my worth. Staying active in a 12 step program has more than saved my life.
I have the book you just published but there’s a few steps I need to do in my 12 step program before I read the book and really dive into it. I feel the need to put my house in order and then clean it. Thank you, Dr. Nicole!
Yes been scapegoated. But I am now beloved and adorable instead. There is chances in life to change the false narrative about oneself.
I am deciding that I am adorable and beloved.
So many times as a child and youngster I felt wrong and not good enough. But that was wrong. I was a wonderful and loveable child the whole time.
Now I am in contact with my inner child, and I want her to be protected. She really was a wonderful kid all along. But at that time no-one could reflect that to her so she wanted to fit in, wondered what was wrong with her and became selfharming in several ways.
Things CAN change, connect with your inner child and Love her! She needs an adult one that cares for her. Be there for her. The beautiful thing is that we can reparent our inner child to feel more safe. and to eventually be able to have more safe attachment.
beautifully put❤❤❤
This is how I feel at work with management.
Seeing how people reject those whose existence confronts and challenges them to examine themselves, I see that the scapegoat role may often be forced on gifted people.. it's painful. Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries. Consciously learning full self love, respect, care and protection.
I don’t get invited to family holidays and am “the problem child”. As a small child (5,6,7…)my entire family had this fairly regular game they liked to play at the dinner table- who could get me to melt down, cry and stomp off to my room first by degrading and mocking me like a pack of yapping hyenas. Then my dad would stomp up behind me to beat me for screaming & slamming my bedroom door.
I am an empath. Which I actually hate. It’s a curse being so hypersensitive, but also a form of radar to respond quickly to a quickly changing environment. And I work as a massage therapist- in service to others as you listed.
I was the scapegoat in both extended families - ! Fully realized when my father became ill. Scapegoated parents also pass the role down, or try to. Eventually went no contact with both sides., very isolating but absolutely necessary. There is no other way to heal. We have to make our own families.
I love how your videos help me see my errors as a parent and try to correct course. I have a sensitive one that tends to get the brunt of the blame when the kids fight or make a mess. Thanks for pointing this out🙏🏼❤️
Although I’m the only college graduate in the family and a nurse with the same job for 26 years, my mother has told me “you never do the right thing…all you do is sleep”…etc, etc. She will, however, tell anyone in the healthcare system (her doctors, pharmacists etc) “well my daughter is a nurse so can you just explain this to her” regarding her health issues. As if to say “look what a good mother I am…my daughter is a nurse”. It took me until being 50 years old to finally accept what she is and stop seeking love and approval from her. Wish you channel and RUclips was around many years ago. Thank you for your work! 💕
Yes, I was the family scapegoat. I’m now over 60 and have come to realise my relationships with my siblings became much better after we all left home and were not under the influence of our mother so much.
I never went as far as going no contact with my family though.
Moving to a different country seemed to distance myself enough both physically and emotionally.
But
I’m worried that my middle son is now the family scapegoat. He has ostracized me from his life almost a year ago which has made me look at how I have unintentionally repeated my mother’s parenting methods when in times of stress, and also his ostracism of me led me to this video and working out I was the family scapegoat, and we unconsciously made him one too.
I started literally tearing up within 1 minute of this video because this is me. I'm special needs (learning disabilities and potential undiagnosed autism) and my siblings hate me because I'm treated differently and at school I was basically given all the answers on tests etc. and I noticed back in school the subtle ways that my parents couldn't handle a special needs child. They were told by the family doctor that I would never move out on my own and that I would forever depend on them. I'm 30 now and still in that stuck place. i don't have the money to leave but I'm living with grandma so I guess it's a step forward. I don't want to depend on my parents but it's at the point were they've made me scared to leave because I seen how they treated my younger siblings when they just up and left the state. I'm constantly in that state of walking on egg shells thinking of them being disappointed in me or angry at me that I'm afraid of leaving. I'm a digital and diamond artist and was told I would never be able to make enough money from that to live on my own so I've been slaving away at job after job 40 hours a week, barely home, which drains my energy to the point I running on almost E on my creativity and haven't created much of my own work in a couple months. I'm always tired and all that. With prices of everything going up I can't just up and leave.
This is to everybody who's hurting from this. I can assure you that universe works in mysterious ways. Your time will come to shine bright 🌅 and be your best person to experience all the happiness and peace the World has to offer, You are a truly gifted and blessed child !
Focus on your "real" parents , i.e the universal energy , mother earth, your inner divinity that has guided you so far. Be happy !! Much love to everybody.
yup fellow scapegoat here and i relate to this video
This is me. Sadly I noticed as an adult because there's so much I didn't remembér alot . I just know I never feel like I fit in . Even as an adult I am the one who never knows what version of my mom mom I get and constantly compared to my perfect sisters .
@TheHolisticPsychologist You are describing my entire life experience - within my messed-up, dysfunctional family system. It has made me question my entire reality for years, while feeling so depressed and isolated most of my life, which has affected my mental & physical health, life trajectory, career prospects and relationships. Thank you so much for bringing this to light 🙏🏻💕
I am the scapegoat. By the time I was 5 or 6, I was aware of not being the same as my sister and of course believed that I was the one who was wrong. My father did nothing as he watched me be teased and mocked by my sister and mother, and the physical abuse that was meted out.
It turns out that high functioning autism is not recommended in these situations, in fact it only adds to the feelings of being different, of not fitting in, of being wrong.
Add to this being horribly bullied at school. Daily emotional and physical abuse at the hands of students (and occasionally teachers) only further cemented my feelings of wrongness and inadequacy.
I was able to confront my father about this before he died. When I asked him why he did nothing, he replied that he had had a choice whether to have a good life or not, by either continually confronting my mother or letting things go. You know what he chose: a great life. I told him I thought that his excuse was weak and that his nice life had come at the expense of my lifelong mental health. At least he acknowledged that he regretted this in hindsight.
Small mercies… very small.
This is so similar to my experience. I wrote a book about it recently and let my dad read it. The characters are fictionalized and the situations are different, but the main character experienced what I did. My dad said he liked the book and finally understood the impact his inaction had on me. I will publish it early next year.
Good for you to not accept that reasoning. I agree: a parent is responsible to protect and nourish their child (emotionally and physicaly) and sometimes the cost of doing that is giving up their own comfort. You shouldn't have been made to be the in-between that made your parent's relationship work.
I was the scapegoat growing up and that pattern has repeated throughout my life. In my romantic relationships, and also in business. Thankful for healing. ✨
I'm about to go through my 2nd round of trauma therapy. My mother's abuse ended just before my 43rd birthday, with her death. It only complicated things when she died. C-PTSD plus complicated grief make for strange bedfellows.
After one year of therapy I could understand that I was the escape goat in my family I have been gone no contact with them 3 months ago. Life was not easy I had to make it on my own thanks god I have an amazing partner. Life ist so amazing and peaceful now. It has been just three months but I gain self confidence and peace of mind that worse the hole world. And I am going to continue doing that no contact and enjoying that healing journey ❤❤❤❤
Im just realizing that i must be the family scapegoat. I got in trouble more and punished more severely than my younger sisters. We were an artistic family in general tho!Possibly having adhd or autism could be why my parents treated me so sternly. I unfortunately had to block them these holidays…
The worst part is the guilt. My parents wanted me to be basically a dog or a mule. They enforced in me a sense of I am the logical, good boy so I should be not asking much and give them trouble or else they would die.
Finding it hard to know what I’m good at other than caring for others or making people laugh.
I was the scapegoat. Mother told me, because she was pregnant with me she had to return to her marriage with my father. She made me pay for that my entire childhood. I disassociated for much of it.
I’ve been the scapegoat because I was the only one to leave the high-demand religion that my family is part of. I suddenly was the weirdo, the lost one, the sad one, the one to pity. Ugh. It’s taken years to finally feel confident again in who I am and with the life I’m living.
To me the most concise explanation of the effects of the scapegoat role in the dysfunctional family. I can put a check next to every characteristic. Thank you.
Rebecca Mandeville is an expert on this. I highly recommend her book -Rejected Shamed and Blamed -Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role
50 and still happening.
Im an interovert, crafty/ arty sensitive type.
Have a bro (55) who can do no wrong even though he does ans did. He was over the top like my mum was and can still be. I think they are hyper.
He always caused drama. Or mum always reacted dramatically to him, so I was just overlooked or then used as a rage valve. Overly critical, perfectionist mum and distant ( loving in his way ) shut down dad. Name called as cheeky or insolent if I ever spoke my feelings or argued against their behaviour, still happens.
The only thing I don't tick there, is people pleasing. I don't. Find I'm quite angry now. I'm always invalidated and treated as immature.
My older half brother got 2 Christmases one with his mom's family then one at my house with OUR dad. Usually after my Christmas. I didn't realize it was kinda shitty till I was older. He would also get presents on my birthday so he wouldn't get jealous. But when I got jealous because all this attention was on my older sibling I was severely punished.
My dad and brother also did lots of special father son things but nobody did super special daughter things with me. I just played in my room alone.
I remember I only got attention if I was injured. And then I'd be accused of faking it or making it worse by not telling someone sooner.
It was a no win kinda growing up. I'd be severely punished for normal child blunders too. I didn't know kids could mess up and just be bad at stuff without ridicule.
Thank you. Your videos are helping me a lot in my path to heal from being my family scapegoat. I'm working on my PTSD with a EMDR therapist, and this short videos are helping me finding the words to express some of the things I felt but didn't know how to express.
I was most definitely the scapegoat in my family growing up. I'm having great difficulty deprogramming my default coping mechanisms and cant successfully be present in any relationships. I'm struggling terribly with isolation. I very much want to stop, but it's where I feel most safe. I don't feel fully accepted.
Thank you for work Dr. Lepera! Your short videos pack a real punch & are very healing!!! I love the simplicity of the teaching boards next to you & have often taken snapshots & saved in my phone!! God bless you & your work helping people!!
jesus, this just described my entire life! I thought i was an empathetic caring chosen one. NO! Im an insecure worthless people pleaser!! no wonder everyone uses me and ghosts me!
I’m so glad you make these videos. It’s so helpful for people to discover what is going on in their lives ❤
Hi l realize that l have been the golden child and then turned into a scapegoat when l wanted to go on my way and no more being a pride object for my parent. It has been a very difficult period. As at that time l did not know much about psychology and those patterns l couldn't understand what was happening and l felt like the world was collapsing. I didn't have a clue about what narcissism was neither. So realizing that my parent was a narcissistic parent and l was not 'loved' and 'appreciated' for being myself but rather for being a reflection/pride object of my parent broke my heart badly. I am still learning. It hasn't been easy at all but l think l am now starting to connect with my inner child on my journey to find my true self.
Could you please make a video for those fallen angels (from golden child to scapegoat). This might help other people in my situation. Thank you very much! ❤
Has anyone seen Paris Hilton in This is Paris? Or her series Paris in Love? Paris has been the obvious Scapegoat in the Hilton family. I think the shows are very psychologically interesting and quite sad. They made me see her in a whole new light. Never judge a book by its cover.
I have not maybe I’ll check it out. Thanks!
My mother blamed having me on why she didn’t go to the Navy and ended up stuck in our city and eventually ended up on drugs. She never said it was my fault but always blamed my dad for getting her pregnant intentionally but growing up I always heard it as I held her back.
I was the scapegoat for both my Mother and my step-dad. I actually changed my name to try to disassociate myself from the persona I was assigned in my family. I finally stood up against it 30 years later asking "why are the only things you remember about my childhood the things you think I did wrong?" citing the straight A's and multiple extracurriculars I excelled in though they were shaming me because I always had a messy room or spelled something wrong on a form for school. My step-dad took it to heart and is changing, my mom only retreated further into her own insecurities asking why I was trying to hurt her by telling her all her mistakes.
Now I am worried I am making my daughtet a scapegoat inadvertently. She is so sensitive and she often worried that she does everything wrong. Am I making her take the fall for things should be taking responsibility for? How do I stop the cycle?
Ty ty ty so hard to hear these videos yet sooo empowering 🙏🏽
Thank you for this video 💛💛
Thank you! Just bought 2 of your books for friends that enjoy content like yours.
Wow I really needed this video. Thank you so much ❤️🙏
Holy smokes, I needed to hear this today. Thank you! ❤
I'm doing all those things to heal but I'm not healing. I still cry a lot and I still hear them mocking me every single day in my mind. I'm trying to find who I am but maybe at 51 it's just too late.
Thank you, you are wonderful and your sweatercolor is really the color of love, it suits you! And it is soothing.
Thank you for presenting this thorough, understandable, and educational video.
Thank you so much, it really helps me to heal ❤
Thank you for this, it’s very helpful at explaining experience as child and how it can influence your interactions and relationships in present day,💜🤗
I'm 37, when I was younger we called it the "black sheep". But scapegoat is much more accurate, bc it wasn't a title we gave ourselves.
I was one as well 🐐
One the parents are right about : they are inadequate!
Exactly. And definitely getting the abuse from my emotionally immature father.. with a list of so many other issues you highlight in your videos.
I wish I had found you before I found myself in psychiatry and on psychiatric drugs. THere was hope before but now I have brain damage...
At first I was unknowingly the golden child, but when I came to know Jesus Christ, all of a sudden my sister is the golden child and I am the scapegoat. Or maybe I was always the scapegoat...but the comparison game was used on my sister to get her to comply. 🤷🏻♀️
I was definitely the family scapegoat. I’m sadly still the family scapegoat.
After watching this video, I have realized I was my parents scapegoat & I AM currently my narc husband’s scape goat. I traded my parents in for a husband with all of the same traits, unfortunately.
spot on
It's horrible. They don't want you around, but they get mad if you leave.
Been there my whole life. The only consistency in my life was abuse. Now isolation.
Yes I was
Thank you.