I moved away from home 17 years ago and to a new continent 9 years ago! I always viewed it as just restlessness or finding new opportunities but I think there’s more at play. I am only now realising/accepting that I grew up with a narcissistic parent and taking the time to self care and accept the abuse. Thanks for making these videos!
Wow, I admire you for managing that. I did something similar, about 8 years ago, fell in love, moved to another continent...but then, things with my love turned into hell (I ran away from narcs and almost married one on the other continent...) and my parents and sibling had a disaster happening...who ran to try and help them? Me...wtf.
Good channel. My situation - My wife died in 2011, her father is the narc, he suffocated the marriage. I tried for 4 years to make "low contact" work with him as he is my daughter's granddad, but decided to go "no contact" 2 years ago. I felt guilty about going "no contact" as I felt I should "man up" and deal with him, family members also tried to portray me as the bad guy for not going along with his wishes, but, BEST DECISION EVER. I look back and see how crazy things were and surprisingly he has never tried to break the no contact. He sees his granddaughter half a dozen times per year when see is with his ex-wife (she's an enabler!) Don't be afraid to go "no contact", the lack of drama is wonderful.
Shield your daughter from that toxic narc. Why would you expose your vulnerable child to such a fiend? That's rhetorical. There's NO rational answer. It's your DUTY as a parent to sheild her from these toxic entities. You MUST.
I'm glad you understand the falseness with your covert sister, mine would only be nice to me when she wanted something, and I'm ashamed now at how I let myself be taken advantage of. But that "best friend, you're my sister and I love you" got turned off the moment she no longer needed something. It's chilling how they can put on such a grand performance when it suits their needs, it makes you wonder if the relationships they have with others is ever authentic.
They're master assimilators & manipulators &, when they don't have a USE for you, they don't even TRY to be subtle about their true feelings. Nothing discreet or diplomatic about the narc. They're BLATANT. This pianist from the BN L...friend of my ex...former 'friend' of mine...he wouldn't give me the time of day. One day, he contacts me outta the Blue, gushibg about my Blue Velvet watercolor & how he suddenly wants to buy it. I KNEW...he heard I was friends with this famous Texas musician & it MUST have something to do with THAT. Lo & behold, after selling him that art for $500...he mentioned his "BTW, Denise"... how he was _wonnnndering_ if I'd, par 'chance', be able to convince that guy to partake in his latest album! Soon as the guy said "No", SUDDENLY 'Mr. Friendly' morphed back into his same old ghosting, cold self. Total opportunistic NARC. Not even subtle! 😠At least I sold him that painting. I know he woulda not bought it had he not WANTED some big favor.
Same here. My older brother who is extremely spoiled and a career criminal who hits women and has hit me before ( I was convinced to forgive him thanks to my Grandmama and other family)... Threatened physical harm again when I wouldn't keep helping him! That was it! No more contact for me!
Hi there! I wanted to share that my narc is my father and I am on low-contact with both him and my mother (she enables and is what I believe to be a codependent). My only solid rules are that I a) don't answer the phone when they call... I will text back or call if I 100% need to and b) do not disclose any personal/medical information about myself that could be used as fuel against me. Recently I have been blessed with a few opportunities to attend family dinners and school events (my youngest sibling is in high school) and actually *enjoy* myself there. I believe this is because I have set these rules - they make it clear that I am not in a position any longer where I *have* to put up with the behavior, so the behaviors have become more rare. Although I am bracing myself for the fallout in the meantime because even though it may seem like it, they're not changing. All I can do is try to protect myself. I have been considering no-contact for a while though, just because the disappointment when the narc-codependent behaviors come out is too crushing and debilitating. I'm struggling with grieving the family I have never, and will never have in them. Thank you for sharing these videos, I can't tell you how validating and comforting they are
Yes grieving what might have been is hard to move through. You have a positive vision of what could be and even that has painful aspects to it when you are immersed in narcissistic relationship dynamics.
Nice to here about your relations. I have no contact with my narcissistic father. I will try to go low contact. When I left home many years ago it was s very painful situation. A trauma for me. I think you are a very strong person.
I'm way past the age to move out, but due to circumstances I haven't been able to move. There have been times where I've brought up moving and my dad would discourage the idea like "You can't afford it". I want space from my entire family. I feel like I've been up.under them amd sheltered too long. I pray the Lord allows me to move this year finally. I don't even think I'll give my address to my family right away and will only mention it after my lease is signed amd I'm ready to go. I'll have to speak to my sister every now and then for my niece though. I'm going to move far, far away. I'm startimg to get back into job hunting so hopefully I can move to a new state.
I made it out by the grace of God just three years ago. I was 24 and a half is old. I didn't have everything I needed financially, but I had a little something and took a leap of faith and moved out one morning without telling anyone. I'm not saying that you should just jump out there with no plan and no money, but do not wait until you feel like you have it all together and you are certain that you have everything you need. Pray that God shows you the minimum for a leap. I promise you, because I've tried and I know,God will not take you somewhere where God cannot keep you. Things will get tight, and things will get tough, but His grace is sufficient my dear. I'll be praying for you.
Never mind this "not right away" nonsense. NEVER give tgem your contact info. *PERIOD.* They're toxic as hell. You gotta break free & sever all ties...with them and...with anyone who consorts with them. It's crucial. You absolutely MUST.
Im in the same position. Im getting out! Its so freeing. Make it happen! You can do this. You are stronger than you believe. Do it scared. Im petrified but its better than being miserable.
In youngest of 5 girls and feel like they all hate me and treat me like a joke. I recently stopped talking to my family (siblings and parents) all together and couldn't feel happier. The only catch is my 5 year old son keeps asking about my parents once or twice a week indicating he wants to see them. I havent out right told him "we dont see them anymore" to spare him anxiety. I cannot simply take him to see them considering my dead beat older sister lives at their house. I have been in physical altercations with her involving police at least twice. I cannot and will not go around any of them. I hope over time my son transitions to moving on. I dont want to hurt my kid due to my issues with them, but they are toxic for me kid too even though he is too young to ubderstand this.
I am 57 Just recently I discovered that all the confusion I had dealing with my Adoptive Mother was because she is Narcissistic. I think she just really started becoming this way to a very defining point, in the last 2 years or so. I can look back at my childhood and find a few slight indications, but I really think it just developed recently. I really got a kick out of you mentioning using an audio recorder! I started using a $30 Olympus audio recorder in 2009, and it has been a valuable tool! At first I was recording conversations so I could go back and see what I had said, when I got manipulated or stressed, so I could recognize my own factors. I also journal. And keep excellent email records, going back several years. I stumbled across your youtube channel today and subscribed immediately. You are covering what I need to consider. Thank you for taking the time to do all these videos!
She just lets it all hang out now; the malignant narcissism. They get much much WORSE with age. Fire that narc presto & get that toxic monster outta yoir life completely. No justifiable excuse not to. You deserve to enjoy a narc-free life. Seize what's yours. Peace & narc free life.
I am 52 and recently had a very shocking experience with my step-mother during a family medical crisis involving my father. I went there and helped for five weeks. I realized she's always resented that I even exist and when I look back, I realize that when she married my father, there were changes in her demeanor towards me. We had it out a few good times back then and then just recently we had a major blow-out many years later. I was being treated like a servant but kept doing what she asked (and things she didn't even ask) to help the family situation be less stressful for everyone. I also realized she had been taking emotional swipes at my neck for years. I think she got jealous that I was caring for my father better than she could, and was finally getting a chance to spend more quality time with him. So, when she didn't need me there anymore, she blew up at me over something rather innocuous and just turned into this viper hurling out verbal abuses towards me at full speed. I got in a few jabs at her - things I always thought as well. Long and short, she threw me out of their house and in the morning went running to my father pretending to feel great regret, as she knew he'd hear about it. Never apologized to me. Basically, she's always been a phony gold-digger and as soon as she got some power, decided she wanted me out of the picture. She even blatantly threatened to mess with any inheritance I might get. I really do not remember her ever being this bad, but as my father said, she's gotten edgy over the past year. My father also tried to get me to contact her and "make nice" because she felt so bad. Never mind how I felt being abused like that. I did send her a nice birthday card (which I had mixed feelings about,) and got a passive aggressive card sent in return. I now think she is very disturbed...I plan to now go low contact with my father and no contact with her. It's been too much. They are both narcissistic. My father did not stand up for me to her, doesn't have the guts to, and never calls me anyway, though can now do plenty of other things. I've finally had enough of the emotional pain even being around my father's second family still causes me. I was always the scapegoat and the loser.
I paleo tape recorder myself and others so that it was amusing for my children to observe. I have also journalist several boxfuls of personal writings (plus numerous computer files filled with journaling). This was all with the intentions of clarifying myself to myself and searching for insights so that I might process and release the sorts of engulfing miseries generated by being in a narcissistic relationship. All this helped quite a bit as well as more than one extended period of low contact. However in looking back if I could have found the strength, courage and sense if self to go absolutely no contact and to have avoided responding to "hoovering" efforts on the part of my mother, my life would have been freer, more authentic, probably less wounded. I would have been more creative, more open, happier, less wounded. I never could go no contact with my mother. The majority of my issues evaporated with her death. Nonethelessbthere were still issues to reconcile within myself which derived from never being able to fully face.up to the realities of my relationship while she was still alive. I could not relinquish all hope as that threatened to undermine my entire foundation as a person. My blessings on those who need a little more courage to go no contact or even low contact.
What I learned is the Narc, when family believes you HAVE to deal with them so the manipulation and abuse never stops and they see no wrong. I recently made the choice to cut off all contact with the Narcs in my immediate family as things just kept intensifying as my happiness increased in my personal life. The puppet master is my Grandmama and she seems to have strong control over my siblings. I like the other lady in the comments kept the last text as reminders as to WHY I walked away finally and will stay away! They tried using family as a reason for me to be around more as I was using low contact but the toxicity was killing me! No contact at all works best for me as I see they are EXTREMELY jealous and hateful...and won't change!
Thanks for making these videos. As the daughter of a narcissistic father they have been really helpful. All the things you describe are exactly how my dad treats me. I have gone no contact for the third time. I feel guilty but it is what's best for my happiness and wellbeing.
Great video!! My husband and I have kept every txt/email from my parents and brother and I have definitely used them as reminders. It is definitely very helpful for me since I am almost too gracious and willing to fight harder for my own good. Some people are just big walls. Nothing gets through. 😔
You're better off erasing all their texts. You will only get yourself frustrated every time you look at them. It's better to drop the topic cuz it's hopeless with some people. You'll never win. It's just gonna get u more frustrated again and again. They will never agree with you and give you the satisfaction of being right, regardless of any facts.
I think what she means is reminders of why there is no contact? I think it's a good idea. It's hard when it's your family you choose to cut them out of your life and they say all these sweet things to you and you start to think things could be different or you could handle it better. Sometimes the reminders help to tell you these types of people will not change. No matter what sweet things they say
There are some really healthy insights here. Nuance in relationships is so hard for us, as we were raised with no boundaries. All or nothing is not always best for us. Learning how to draw those boundaries is empowering. Way to go!
I’ve never considered the concept of continuing to love your family from a distance and question if it’s healthy to or vice versa. Maybe in a case of low contact it’s hard to fully move on. Personally the narcs in my life have been verbally & physically abusing me since I was a child to the point they were convicted for it. Also financially when I became an adult eg. opening accounts for them in my name, taking out loans or credit cards etc . I currently still live with them but have decided to start planning my escape at 23. I am unsure if continuing to love them would be the right decision. It seems like a slippery slope which could lead to being manipulated.
I just discovered your channel, and I am very excited! You have answered some very important questions for me. I am particularly interested in the dynamic between the narcissistic father and the daughter. Can you recommend some books or other sources for my study? I badly need as much information as I can get. Many thanks!
I don't understand how one could love such an intentionally cruel person. Now, hearing that you love your narcissist, it's making me feel different... My narcissist sexually and physically abused me. He trained me not to tell the authorities by literally torturing me. (Sitting me down and telling me to role-play how I would tell the authorities, and when I did, he would strike me to instill fear in my heart and mind. I would behave like a mentally ill person in public to at least get attention from others- to show that this person is doing horrible things to me. He would just simply say that I'm behaving like this to make him look like a bad parent. I feel disgusted by him. And I do NOT want to love him.
I always knew, encompassing as my suffering was, that there was worse that others might be suffering. I could say to myself, "At least he hasn't sexually abused me." This was about the only thing he didn't do. I am so sorry you have suffered so very much.
I am currently writing out a list of all the things done to me by my father, my mother and my brothers. I only have one brother who seems to understand why I'm angry and agrees the last thing my dad did, and my mom, that I have every right to be upset. He has not guilted me, yet, to call them. This is tough. I'm not sure what to do.
Thank you for putting out these videos. I'm going through this with my ex who I have a child with. I tried to co-parent with him but if I say anything he doesn't like he automatically calls me a horrible mother (although he abandoned our daughter) and degrades my older children that aren't his. He uses our daughter as a way to communicate with me but I am realizing that it's not genuine and he doesn't really care about her. I found your videos and it's helping me more than you know. Thank you so much for making me stronger!!
Stephanie Mathis wow its like u are telling my story. 1of My baby father uses our daughter in our fight to insult me, calling me a bad, that Iam treating his kid bad then I treats my 2 other kids which are 7 and 5. the baby we have is 1year soon. He makes up things to fight, have no limits and he always put our daughter in all of the fight. Even tho hes does not really care about her. I suppose to help him with the green card so we could live live together and make a family. Because of the fight, threats, I don't know if I wants to help him. And I other hand if I dont help him out and his goest back to him country, our daughter may not see him again. That scares me and breaks my heart. Nobody understand thats going on. Plz need advice from u, whats should I do?
Bella Diake, I understand what you're saying but he's a grown man and should be making every effort to get his own green card. It's not your responsibility to take care of a grown up. My ex STILL asks me to do this, that and the other for him but as soon as I say no he throws a temper tantrum. I know you want to help but he's an adult and if he wants to be in his child's life that bad HE'LL do what it takes to stay without any help from you hun. I'm saying from experience DO NOT move in together because the mental, emotionally, physical and financial destruction isn't worth it. I was always super healthy and being in a toxic relationship led to me having a 14 hour open heart surgery and graft repair, diabetes, depression, anxiety and insomnia. I stopped caring for myself and at times my own children. I became a zombie. Being single and safe is ALWAYS better than being with someone and you lose yourself.
Stephanie Mathis you are a really survivor. Iam sorry for everything you have going throu. My narc was living with us. But we used to fight, break up, he move out and then he will hoover me back and move in again. Hi has promised me to change. Hi will change for 1 week and then go back to his behaviour. He wasn't interested about our life/ his kid or my kids life. Very difficult to take care about his duty like a grown-up, father and partner. Have trying to get him 2 get more involved and plan our live. I get no response or intrest. Last time we went to the lawyer, instead concentrating on his case. He went out from the office several times to talk on the phone. I explained to him that was heartbreaking and sad that he talked when we where in a important meeting that was about him, his daughter that he claims "love so much " and my future involved. If he really wanted to fix things he shouldn't talk on the phone during the meeting. And in the end of the day he will blame me and attack me for not helping him and that I hate him. And Iam showing the hate to our daughter. And I want to take his kid away from him, that she is his blood, I dont know where she is from...I will see whats going to happen with me. He is going to deal with me ect. Everything with this person is just a mess! For 3 weeks ago we did have a huge fight, he was threatening me, coursing me /wanted back his money That I asked him for the support of the house and his kid. Because I dont get the money I suppose to get after him having his adress here. He called his friends to confirm how bad I was treating his kid. He brought example about how fine other people where living. He even called his ex to show me how nice she is, and they never fight. It end up him talking about their relationship and how/why they break up. Like usual with narc he blamed his ex friend for separating them apart. I was so sad, crying in my room. I couldn't believe he was going that low. It end up me escaping the house in 4 days so he could move out from my house. But still he is trying 2do everything to come back. with all the narcissistic tactics of course. This time I wont bee fooled by his love bombing, future talking, and scaring talk. Like u said he is a grown-up person HE should fix his own life. I cant fix him, he is 2 damage. I have 2 do what is necessary for me and my kids and move on. Even if it feel hard, shameful and sad. Thanks for our advice, it means alot.🌸 Stay strong my friend💪💝
I'm starting very low contact with my sister right now. But I didn't explain to her why, which makes me look like a horrible person since she went through something recently. A conversation would only make her cut me off after saying horrible things to me however, so I guess this way is best. It still sucks! She can tell everyone how I wasn't there for her. At least those people know me and more importantly, know her lol.
Thanks for more info! 1yr NC with my Ndad. Please talk more about your Nsister, sounds like mine. Mainly just gets information for our dad. Recently NC with her as well.
When you go no contact and low contact with siblings how do you deal with the fact that you have lost the other relationships such as nephews and nieces - i am finding it hard as my nephew and nieces are young and i feel i a missing out in their lives
i plan to not call or contect my father. i will not call him but when he call i will replay with nearly on-side conversation which may be one in month with less than 3min call. if he stopped't calling may be becouse he felt that he is unwanted t than thats it, i will never call. ofcourse i will not visit him in any situation like holidays or anything. there only one exception. when my brothers and sisters get married i will have to visit him maybe helping him. does that call no contect or low contect?
It’s, “I love you. But I don’t want to see you every year.” Also, sadly, there area multitude of reasons why people go low contact. For me, I’m in my fifties, with a good job for now. But, I will not likely ever recover from the recession fully, let alone retire. So, I am low contact with my mother on the off chance she makes a mistake and leaves me anything when she passes. People will say that, if I have a good job, why not go no contact. The answer is because I work in corporate America. Today’s good job is gone tomorrow by mergers, acquisitions, reorganizations, and narcissism and other issues in the workplace. To trust that would make me a nut. And for those who will say that I sound like the narcissist, because I’m using her, she made it clear to me last year that she’s been just using me all these years. So, it’s impossible for me to feel bad about it.
I moved away from home 17 years ago and to a new continent 9 years ago! I always viewed it as just restlessness or finding new opportunities but I think there’s more at play. I am only now realising/accepting that I grew up with a narcissistic parent and taking the time to self care and accept the abuse. Thanks for making these videos!
Wow, I admire you for managing that. I did something similar, about 8 years ago, fell in love, moved to another continent...but then, things with my love turned into hell (I ran away from narcs and almost married one on the other continent...) and my parents and sibling had a disaster happening...who ran to try and help them? Me...wtf.
Same here,keep surviving!
Ariel, I recognize that restlessness and moving around. I grew up with narc father, covert narc mother. I just have never been able to find my home.
Good channel.
My situation - My wife died in 2011, her father is the narc, he suffocated the marriage.
I tried for 4 years to make "low contact" work with him as he is my daughter's granddad, but decided to go "no contact" 2 years ago.
I felt guilty about going "no contact" as I felt I should "man up" and deal with him, family members also tried to portray me as the bad guy for not going along with his wishes, but, BEST DECISION EVER.
I look back and see how crazy things were and surprisingly he has never tried to break the no contact.
He sees his granddaughter half a dozen times per year when see is with his ex-wife (she's an enabler!)
Don't be afraid to go "no contact", the lack of drama is wonderful.
Shield your daughter from that toxic narc. Why would you expose your vulnerable child to such a fiend? That's rhetorical. There's NO rational answer. It's your DUTY as a parent to sheild her from these toxic entities. You MUST.
I'm glad you understand the falseness with your covert sister, mine would only be nice to me when she wanted something, and I'm ashamed now at how I let myself be taken advantage of. But that "best friend, you're my sister and I love you" got turned off the moment she no longer needed something. It's chilling how they can put on such a grand performance when it suits their needs, it makes you wonder if the relationships they have with others is ever authentic.
This is soooo very true definitely chilling how they can turn it of and on and have sooo many people believing them!
They're master assimilators & manipulators &, when they don't have a USE for you, they don't even TRY to be subtle about their true feelings. Nothing discreet or diplomatic about the narc. They're BLATANT.
This pianist from the BN L...friend of my ex...former 'friend' of mine...he wouldn't give me the time of day. One day, he contacts me outta the Blue, gushibg about my Blue Velvet watercolor & how he suddenly wants to buy it. I KNEW...he heard I was friends with this famous Texas musician & it MUST have something to do with THAT. Lo & behold, after selling him that art for $500...he mentioned his "BTW, Denise"... how he was
_wonnnndering_ if I'd, par 'chance', be able to convince that guy to partake in his latest album! Soon as the guy said "No", SUDDENLY 'Mr. Friendly' morphed back into his same old ghosting, cold self. Total opportunistic NARC. Not even subtle! 😠At least I sold him that painting. I know he woulda not bought it had he not WANTED some big favor.
Same here. My older brother who is extremely spoiled and a career criminal who hits women and has hit me before ( I was convinced to forgive him thanks to my Grandmama and other family)... Threatened physical harm again when I wouldn't keep helping him! That was it! No more contact for me!
Narcs never ask you questions where the interests revolve around you
Hi there! I wanted to share that my narc is my father and I am on low-contact with both him and my mother (she enables and is what I believe to be a codependent). My only solid rules are that I a) don't answer the phone when they call... I will text back or call if I 100% need to and b) do not disclose any personal/medical information about myself that could be used as fuel against me.
Recently I have been blessed with a few opportunities to attend family dinners and school events (my youngest sibling is in high school) and actually *enjoy* myself there. I believe this is because I have set these rules - they make it clear that I am not in a position any longer where I *have* to put up with the behavior, so the behaviors have become more rare. Although I am bracing myself for the fallout in the meantime because even though it may seem like it, they're not changing. All I can do is try to protect myself.
I have been considering no-contact for a while though, just because the disappointment when the narc-codependent behaviors come out is too crushing and debilitating. I'm struggling with grieving the family I have never, and will never have in them.
Thank you for sharing these videos, I can't tell you how validating and comforting they are
Wow! That's amazing, proud of you for setting those boundaries and sticking to them! Way to go!! Thanks for the support.
Yes grieving what might have been is hard to move through. You have a positive vision of what could be and even that has painful aspects to it when you are immersed in narcissistic relationship dynamics.
Nice to here about your relations. I have no contact with my narcissistic father. I will try to go low contact. When I left home many years ago it was s very painful situation. A trauma for me. I think you are a very strong person.
I'm way past the age to move out, but due to circumstances I haven't been able to move. There have been times where I've brought up moving and my dad would discourage the idea like "You can't afford it". I want space from my entire family. I feel like I've been up.under them amd sheltered too long. I pray the Lord allows me to move this year finally. I don't even think I'll give my address to my family right away and will only mention it after my lease is signed amd I'm ready to go. I'll have to speak to my sister every now and then for my niece though. I'm going to move far, far away. I'm startimg to get back into job hunting so hopefully I can move to a new state.
I made it out by the grace of God just three years ago. I was 24 and a half is old. I didn't have everything I needed financially, but I had a little something and took a leap of faith and moved out one morning without telling anyone. I'm not saying that you should just jump out there with no plan and no money, but do not wait until you feel like you have it all together and you are certain that you have everything you need. Pray that God shows you the minimum for a leap. I promise you, because I've tried and I know,God will not take you somewhere where God cannot keep you. Things will get tight, and things will get tough, but His grace is sufficient my dear. I'll be praying for you.
Never mind this "not right away" nonsense. NEVER give tgem your contact info. *PERIOD.*
They're toxic as hell. You gotta break free & sever all ties...with them and...with anyone who consorts with them. It's crucial. You absolutely MUST.
Im in the same position. Im getting out! Its so freeing. Make it happen! You can do this. You are stronger than you believe. Do it scared. Im petrified but its better than being miserable.
🌟 🙏
In youngest of 5 girls and feel like they all hate me and treat me like a joke. I recently stopped talking to my family (siblings and parents) all together and couldn't feel happier. The only catch is my 5 year old son keeps asking about my parents once or twice a week indicating he wants to see them. I havent out right told him "we dont see them anymore" to spare him anxiety. I cannot simply take him to see them considering my dead beat older sister lives at their house. I have been in physical altercations with her involving police at least twice. I cannot and will not go around any of them. I hope over time my son transitions to moving on. I dont want to hurt my kid due to my issues with them, but they are toxic for me kid too even though he is too young to ubderstand this.
I am 57 Just recently I discovered that all the confusion I had dealing with my Adoptive Mother was because she is Narcissistic. I think she just really started becoming this way to a very defining point, in the last 2 years or so. I can look back at my childhood and find a few slight indications, but I really think it just developed recently. I really got a kick out of you mentioning using an audio recorder! I started using a $30 Olympus audio recorder in 2009, and it has been a valuable tool! At first I was recording conversations so I could go back and see what I had said, when I got manipulated or stressed, so I could recognize my own factors. I also journal. And keep excellent email records, going back several years. I stumbled across your youtube channel today and subscribed immediately. You are covering what I need to consider. Thank you for taking the time to do all these videos!
She just lets it all hang out now; the malignant narcissism. They get much much WORSE with age. Fire that narc presto & get that toxic monster outta yoir life completely. No justifiable excuse not to. You deserve to enjoy a narc-free life. Seize what's yours. Peace & narc free life.
I am 52 and recently had a very shocking experience with my step-mother during a family medical crisis involving my father. I went there and helped for five weeks. I realized she's always resented that I even exist and when I look back, I realize that when she married my father, there were changes in her demeanor towards me. We had it out a few good times back then and then just recently we had a major blow-out many years later. I was being treated like a servant but kept doing what she asked (and things she didn't even ask) to help the family situation be less stressful for everyone. I also realized she had been taking emotional swipes at my neck for years.
I think she got jealous that I was caring for my father better than she could, and was finally getting a chance to spend more quality time with him. So, when she didn't need me there anymore, she blew up at me over something rather innocuous and just turned into this viper hurling out verbal abuses towards me at full speed. I got in a few jabs at her - things I always thought as well. Long and short, she threw me out of their house and in the morning went running to my father pretending to feel great regret, as she knew he'd hear about it. Never apologized to me. Basically, she's always been a phony gold-digger and as soon as she got some power, decided she wanted me out of the picture. She even blatantly threatened to mess with any inheritance I might get.
I really do not remember her ever being this bad, but as my father said, she's gotten edgy over the past year. My father also tried to get me to contact her and "make nice" because she felt so bad. Never mind how I felt being abused like that. I did send her a nice birthday card (which I had mixed feelings about,) and got a passive aggressive card sent in return. I now think she is very disturbed...I plan to now go low contact with my father and no contact with her. It's been too much. They are both narcissistic. My father did not stand up for me to her, doesn't have the guts to, and never calls me anyway, though can now do plenty of other things. I've finally had enough of the emotional pain even being around my father's second family still causes me. I was always the scapegoat and the loser.
I paleo tape recorder myself and others so that it was amusing for my children to observe. I have also journalist several boxfuls of personal writings (plus numerous computer files filled with journaling). This was all with the intentions of clarifying myself to myself and searching for insights so that I might process and release the sorts of engulfing miseries generated by being in a narcissistic relationship. All this helped quite a bit as well as more than one extended period of low contact.
However in looking back if I could have found the strength, courage and sense if self to go absolutely no contact and to have avoided responding to "hoovering" efforts on the part of my mother, my life would have been freer, more authentic, probably less wounded. I would have been more creative, more open, happier, less wounded. I never could go no contact with my mother. The majority of my issues evaporated with her death. Nonethelessbthere were still issues to reconcile within myself which derived from never being able to fully face.up to the realities of my relationship while she was still alive. I could not relinquish all hope as that threatened to undermine my entire foundation as a person.
My blessings on those who need a little more courage to go no contact or even low contact.
What I learned is the Narc, when family believes you HAVE to deal with them so the manipulation and abuse never stops and they see no wrong. I recently made the choice to cut off all contact with the Narcs in my immediate family as things just kept intensifying as my happiness increased in my personal life. The puppet master is my Grandmama and she seems to have strong control over my siblings. I like the other lady in the comments kept the last text as reminders as to WHY I walked away finally and will stay away! They tried using family as a reason for me to be around more as I was using low contact but the toxicity was killing me! No contact at all works best for me as I see they are EXTREMELY jealous and hateful...and won't change!
@@gstrathmore194 Thank you
Thanks for making these videos. As the daughter of a narcissistic father they have been really helpful. All the things you describe are exactly how my dad treats me. I have gone no contact for the third time. I feel guilty but it is what's best for my happiness and wellbeing.
Great video!! My husband and I have kept every txt/email from my parents and brother and I have definitely used them as reminders. It is definitely very helpful for me since I am almost too gracious and willing to fight harder for my own good. Some people are just big walls. Nothing gets through. 😔
You're better off erasing all their texts. You will only get yourself frustrated every time you look at them. It's better to drop the topic cuz it's hopeless with some people. You'll never win. It's just gonna get u more frustrated again and again.
They will never agree with you and give you the satisfaction of being right, regardless of any facts.
I think what she means is reminders of why there is no contact? I think it's a good idea. It's hard when it's your family you choose to cut them out of your life and they say all these sweet things to you and you start to think things could be different or you could handle it better. Sometimes the reminders help to tell you these types of people will not change. No matter what sweet things they say
Even if you are over 18 years old no contract is not an option low contact is the best option for some people like me.
Same
Love your videos
There are some really healthy insights here. Nuance in relationships is so hard for us, as we were raised with no boundaries. All or nothing is not always best for us. Learning how to draw those boundaries is empowering. Way to go!
I literally have a video coming up soon about boundaries !!!!!
Yes. The experiences I had as a child led me to fail to understand that the lesser narcissistic abuse I suffered from two former spouses
We're not promising signs at all for my.relationships.
I’ve never considered the concept of continuing to love your family from a distance and question if it’s healthy to or vice versa. Maybe in a case of low contact it’s hard to fully move on. Personally the narcs in my life have been verbally & physically abusing me since I was a child to the point they were convicted for it. Also financially when I became an adult eg. opening accounts for them in my name, taking out loans or credit cards etc . I currently still live with them but have decided to start planning my escape at 23. I am unsure if continuing to love them would be the right decision. It seems like a slippery slope which could lead to being manipulated.
You are helping me ty.💛
This was so helpful!!! Thank you.
I just discovered your channel, and I am very excited! You have answered some very important questions for me. I am particularly interested in the dynamic between the narcissistic father and the daughter.
Can you recommend some books or other sources for my study? I badly need as much information as I can get.
Many thanks!
I don't understand how one could love such an intentionally cruel person. Now, hearing that you love your narcissist, it's making me feel different... My narcissist sexually and physically abused me. He trained me not to tell the authorities by literally torturing me. (Sitting me down and telling me to role-play how I would tell the authorities, and when I did, he would strike me to instill fear in my heart and mind. I would behave like a mentally ill person in public to at least get attention from others- to show that this person is doing horrible things to me. He would just simply say that I'm behaving like this to make him look like a bad parent.
I feel disgusted by him. And I do NOT want to love him.
I always knew, encompassing as my suffering was, that there was worse that others might be suffering. I could say to myself, "At least he hasn't sexually abused me." This was about the only thing he didn't do. I am so sorry you have suffered so very much.
This is common sense!! Grey rock ❤ periodt! ;)
I am currently writing out a list of all the things done to me by my father, my mother and my brothers.
I only have one brother who seems to understand why I'm angry and agrees the last thing my dad did, and my mom, that I have every right to be upset. He has not guilted me, yet, to call them. This is tough. I'm not sure what to do.
I always wonder when does the narcissism starting to show in someone? What age? I think with my sibling they started changing in Highschool.
Thank you for putting out these videos. I'm going through this with my ex who I have a child with. I tried to co-parent with him but if I say anything he doesn't like he automatically calls me a horrible mother (although he abandoned our daughter) and degrades my older children that aren't his. He uses our daughter as a way to communicate with me but I am realizing that it's not genuine and he doesn't really care about her. I found your videos and it's helping me more than you know. Thank you so much for making me stronger!!
Thank you so much for the support and thank you for sharing your story!! Please stay strong and stay in your journey !!
Stephanie Mathis wow its like u are telling my story. 1of My baby father uses our daughter in our fight to insult me, calling me a bad, that Iam treating his kid bad then I treats my 2 other kids which are 7 and 5. the baby we have is 1year soon. He makes up things to fight, have no limits and he always put our daughter in all of the fight. Even tho hes does not really care about her. I suppose to help him with the green card so we could live live together and make a family. Because of the fight, threats, I don't know if I wants to help him. And I other hand if I dont help him out and his goest back to him country, our daughter may not see him again. That scares me and breaks my heart. Nobody understand thats going on. Plz need advice from u, whats should I do?
Bella Diake, I understand what you're saying but he's a grown man and should be making every effort to get his own green card. It's not your responsibility to take care of a grown up. My ex STILL asks me to do this, that and the other for him but as soon as I say no he throws a temper tantrum. I know you want to help but he's an adult and if he wants to be in his child's life that bad HE'LL do what it takes to stay without any help from you hun. I'm saying from experience DO NOT move in together because the mental, emotionally, physical and financial destruction isn't worth it. I was always super healthy and being in a toxic relationship led to me having a 14 hour open heart surgery and graft repair, diabetes, depression, anxiety and insomnia. I stopped caring for myself and at times my own children. I became a zombie. Being single and safe is ALWAYS better than being with someone and you lose yourself.
Stephanie Mathis you are a really survivor. Iam sorry for everything you have going throu. My narc was living with us. But we used to fight, break up, he move out and then he will hoover me back and move in again. Hi has promised me to change. Hi will change for 1 week and then go back to his behaviour. He wasn't interested about our life/ his kid or my kids life. Very difficult to take care about his duty like a grown-up, father and partner. Have trying to get him 2 get more involved and plan our live. I get no response or intrest.
Last time we went to the lawyer, instead concentrating on his case. He went out from the office several times to talk on the phone. I explained to him that was heartbreaking and sad that he talked when we where in a important meeting that was about him, his daughter that he claims "love so much " and my future involved. If he really wanted to fix things he shouldn't talk on the phone during the meeting. And in the end of the day he will blame me and attack me for not helping him and that I hate him. And Iam showing the hate to our daughter. And I want to take his kid away from him, that she is his blood, I dont know where she is from...I will see whats going to happen with me. He is going to deal with me ect. Everything with this person is just a mess! For 3 weeks ago we did have a huge fight, he was threatening me, coursing me /wanted back his money That I asked him for the support of the house and his kid. Because I dont get the money I suppose to get after him having his adress here. He called his friends to confirm how bad I was treating his kid. He brought example about how fine other people where living. He even called his ex to show me how nice she is, and they never fight. It end up him talking about their relationship and how/why they break up. Like usual with narc he blamed his ex friend for separating them apart. I was so sad, crying in my room. I couldn't believe he was going that low. It end up me escaping the house in 4 days so he could move out from my house. But still he is trying 2do everything to come back. with all the narcissistic tactics of course. This time I wont bee fooled by his love bombing, future talking, and scaring talk. Like u said he is a grown-up person HE should fix his own life. I cant fix him, he is 2 damage. I have 2 do what is necessary for me and my kids and move on. Even if it feel hard, shameful and sad.
Thanks for our advice, it means alot.🌸
Stay strong my friend💪💝
I'm starting very low contact with my sister right now. But I didn't explain to her why, which makes me look like a horrible person since she went through something recently. A conversation would only make her cut me off after saying horrible things to me however, so I guess this way is best. It still sucks! She can tell everyone how I wasn't there for her. At least those people know me and more importantly, know her lol.
Thanks for more info! 1yr NC with my Ndad. Please talk more about your Nsister, sounds like mine. Mainly just gets information for our dad. Recently NC with her as well.
I'm the follower from IG who recommended the journaling! Thank you for sharing that with everyone!
Thank for the recommendation!!!!!!!💕💕💕💕💕
Discovering the Narcissistic Father check out Kris Godinez on YT. Her humor and knowledge is one of a kind.
Thank you !!
When you go no contact and low contact with siblings how do you deal with the fact that you have lost the other relationships such as nephews and nieces - i am finding it hard as my nephew and nieces are young and i feel i a missing out in their lives
You're missing out but that's why it's considered a sacrifice to go no contact. There's no perfect solution.
i plan to not call or contect my father.
i will not call him but when he call i will replay with nearly on-side conversation which may be one in month with less than 3min call. if he stopped't calling may be becouse he felt that he is unwanted t than thats it, i will never call.
ofcourse i will not visit him in any situation like holidays or anything.
there only one exception. when my brothers and sisters get married i will have to visit him maybe helping him.
does that call no contect or low contect?
It’s, “I love you. But I don’t want to see you every year.”
Also, sadly, there area multitude of reasons why people go low contact.
For me, I’m in my fifties, with a good job for now. But, I will not likely ever recover from the recession fully, let alone retire. So, I am low contact with my mother on the off chance she makes a mistake and leaves me anything when she passes. People will say that, if I have a good job, why not go no contact. The answer is because I work in corporate America. Today’s good job is gone tomorrow by mergers, acquisitions, reorganizations, and narcissism and other issues in the workplace. To trust that would make me a nut.
And for those who will say that I sound like the narcissist, because I’m using her, she made it clear to me last year that she’s been just using me all these years. So, it’s impossible for me to feel bad about it.
That's weird but do you
@@suselperez2409 well, she was weird, the market is weird and I’m addressing the reality of it.
She passed a few months ago though.
How do you know they aren’t seeing this video? Or do you?
Thank you very much.
Can you help me? I’m the scapegoat