Indeed. Never trust a person that has let you down more than 2 times. Once was a warning, twice was a lesson and anything more than that is simply taking advantage.
Best video ever! In my 20s I dated this "perfect guy" : charismatic, gym rat, smart, engineer with a good job, singer and musician in his free time, motorcycle rider; simply "perfect"- so exciting. To make it short: left me the biggest trauma of my life. A few years later I was lucky enough to meet a GOOD MAN that makes me realise that If a person doesnt give me peace, then it is not good. As simple as that
@@littleleafyleaf the "perfect" not perfect guy, at the gym - he talked to me first. The good man I met him travelling and started as friends for a few months before getting engaged in anything romantic.
@@marcelaburgos5112 thanks for sharing, so glad to hear you recovered from the trauma of the first “man” and have someone beautiful in your life now, gives me hope ☺️
A couple of years ago, I shared a flat with a woman who was a couple of years older than me. We talked about what we find hot in a man. I listed things all sorts of superficial things (and some not so superficial things 😉) and she said "roomie, you know what is the ultimate turn on for me?". And then she looked me deep in the eyes and said "stability". That was about 6/7 years ago. I now get her 😍.
Matt, have you noticed that this trick is also strengthened and pushed onto us by many romantic comedies? The love stories are always so full of toxic ups and downs and player-type guys who suddenly and magically "change" for the one girl... while this is not real life I think it sticks with us!
It isn't true because I thought I knew someone for years who was happily in a relationship but would often talk in a sexual way then when she was around got angry.
It's also that idea in romcoms where 'you are the exception' availability bias. Exceptions are called that for a reason. Most probably, you're NOT the exception. Stop giving chances and move on
This is a more powerful video than you can ever realize. It shows how wrong we can be in looking for a relationship, and what right, really needs to look like…
This is the first time anyone explained the addiction to the rollercoaster ride of a bad boy. Addicted to their absence hits me. I crave him more when he's gone and not talking. I think we as women have always been taught that the bad boys are where the fun is, especially when you are a wild, rebel style woman. Regular men are boring. I've lost 2 really great guys because of this. I look back now and see how dumb I was, but they were outright boring and normal. This is a powerful video. Wow.
When you begin a journey of self reflection and becoming a better version you are no longer attracted to red flags or people with red flags. They’re actually turn offs.
This is spot on. After 10 years of being married to a "safe" person, I was given attention by a "bad boy" who looked like an angelic rock star. I ruined everything and ended up alone.
This is my favourite video that you’ve ever made. I am going through the process of learning to value consistency, intention and something real. This video reminds me I’m on the right path and therefore gives me hope for the future. Thanks for this ❤🙏🥳
It was only last night I was like why why why why do I only fancy horrible men.....I live the way he likened it to the diet thing coz I changed mt diet a few years ago and it's hard at first and then it transforms the way I think
I'm a guy, "Can you make that which you do not find exciting, exciting?" love that line and I wish it would happen more. But so many experiences I've had with girls where I'm left feeling like I shouldn't have been reliable, shouldn't have been compassionate or caring, etc. This is the illness that the online dating/app culture seems to propagate. I've all but given up, and if anyone is wondering I am a physically attractive person, in peak physical shape and quite an accomplished individual, in that my career is stable, I have my own interests, skills, talents to occupy me. I feel like I'm on eggshells all the time with women, one wrong word or move and it's on to the next guy then the cycle repeats. The dating world seems to be merely a form of entertainment and validation for most ppl nowadays. Thanks for what you do I hope it helps shift us all in a better direction
Hello! As an older person, I think the dating/apps are not for someone with your descriptive. You seem to be constantly 'auditioning'. Look in places someone with the qualities you're looking for would be. Young man, remember this; Attraction is what you see - infatuation is what you feel - but love is what you know. Godspeed.
Don’ use dating apps ever again. They’re awful for at least 20 good reasons. They make it only a tad easier to meet low- value people. Sure, some are ok but MOST AREN’T. Pretend they don’t exist. Be as brave as you can & just approach women. Make a joke then try to get a date. It’s mortifying but do it antway. If some is rude or unkind, you dodged a bullet. Women don’t REALlY want to use dating apps. They want to meet a guy by being approached by him. Your girl could be anywhere: grocery, in line anyplace, ANYPLAcE.
Well, if you’re into animals you would know that birds of prey, or raptors, can spot prey from considerable distances. They know if you’re injured or basically not behaving like the usual food source. So, the men are dogs narrative is kinda dumb. When you factor wealthy men having a greater vantage point, well one and one make two🤓
I heard about a study once, where they asked couples who'd been together for several years, to list the recent time they found themselves really wanting their partner. They found a common trait in these monuments of desire was that one partner would be observing the other in a separated sense, not in direct interaction, i.e. watching their partner playing with or teaching the kids something, or watching their partner work on a project or create something, etc. Part of their conclusion about human behavior is that it's hard for us to notice feeling desire for what we have, because having it satisfies that desire. If we want a person, but they're not wanting to commit to us, then the desire can grow really strong and we can feel like, "why do the noncommittal guys drive me crazy with interest, but the guys who want me quickly, seem less desirable. If a person wants you before you're sure if you want them, then instead of desire building or being fulfilled, instead before desire even fully starts, you're already shifted into the mode of, "let's slow this down", "I'm not really sure about this". Their desire for you not only limits the chance for your desire to grow, because you knew you had it before you could even long for it, but it now also brings a sense of pressure, and demand for you to be in charge and make the choice. Thus a clear communicator with who prioritizes good traits and sees them in you, is less attractive, in that they build less desire, than the guy who doesn't recognize your value as fast, or just isn't really into commitment.
I see it differently. We gain respect and admiration for someone when we see them in their element, interacting with others, doing what they know how to do. Going on dates doesn’t show this.
But if they ask you that fast that they are interested, it really scares me away bc that person barely knows me and neither do I them.. The pressure also scares me away.. I need to take my own time getting to know them before someone professes anything way to early(like some guys on dating apps do this without even meeting you yet).. they’ll ask you to meet the next day and it’s a weekday.. (like what?). I don’t feel comfortable with that at all. It really feels like pressure and that they want to “push” me into something and “control” me. I don’t want to be controlled.. I just immediately want to run away..
Lol I’ve just the last few weeks talking to someone I thought was my friend for years who has a gf and apparently “happy” and “safe” but when she’s not around talking openly about sex, porn, fantasies asking me mine and jerking off also telling in graphic detail about his ex gfs were like in bed. When I ask why he does this, he gets mad and says he shouldn’t have to explain himself. He got really angry tonight because he was with his gf and worried she would see my messages so he cleverly deletes everything over last 10 years and says he is not interested in me and that I don’t compare to her and blocks me after all these years of on off chat. In the end he was using me and playing with my emotions. I hope she finds out before it’s too late and takes him to cleaners then dump him which is what I predict will happen since she is much younger.
It doesn't depend on gender but on what we naturalised as familiar when growing up. If you grew up in place that somehow was unsafe for you emotionally, your nervous system will crave that level of unsafety unless you work on yourself long enough.
So helpful. Dated a guy who seemed to offer security but it was bs. He even said "Never be insecure about us!" while ignoring me regularly etc. We can think they are offering us security especially because the instant connection, instant certainty can lull us into attaching quickly. Their apparent confidence in life seems like a reassuring thing..until the mind games ramp up. I now want to communicate my needs and desires with confidence and mutual respect to a potential partner, looking for the same from them and build something real.
This is such a good video. I have been modelled by my parents that men who are on again off again and who go on massive ego trips are the most desirable. Struggled for years with trauma bonding and just not feeling excited about good guys. I fought back by setting and enforcing really strict boundaries. You don't want to hear about when I'm upset? You're out. You can't apologise and be accountable? You're out. You don't stick to your word? You're out. Even if I don't feel attracted to good guys I at least don't waste my time on people who hurt me. It helped to know that it was my own issue and I needed to be the one working on it. Have been with a couple of wonderful kind men who are very exciting in their more quiet ways since then and now found someone flashy but who has his sh*t together
Damn I love this man hahah. This thing are actually life changing, never heard any other therapist talking about them in such deep and detailed way. Thank you for doing your job 😊
You have to train yourself to not be attracted to these "mysterious" behaviours and rather accept that they are not conducive to a healthy lasting relationship. It takes a certain level of maturity and grit to get there though. I used to find emotionally unavailable men alluring in my early 20's but now I find that behaviour abhorrent because it diametrically opposes what I'm after - a stable, healthy relationship. I had to get my heart broken a few times to truly learn this lesson though.
So happy to hear that I’m doing all these things, and making my way out of the darkness and wastes of time and into the healthy mature way of being in relationships.. I’m right on schedule. 🙏
This is fabulous!! Just started a new relationship with someone . I gained the strength to walk away from one that I knew was not working listening to you! Thank you for all you share ! 🙏🏼❤️
Matthew hussey is so wholesome. It’s refreshing to hear this and it be validated that people like this exist. Hopefully I’ll find them. I think I did, but I was the one who wasn’t ready.
Been through this exact situation recently and had to walk away from this toxic relationship. I am very proud of myself with what I did and definitely the best decision as I am much happier being without this person. Thanks Matthew for your great work 👍. Much appreciated.
Wow...very original and relevant content. I now have found myself in this position after some not so wise dating choices. This video has given me some perspective on how we can course correct if we find ourselves only gravitating towards the bad boy dating experience.
Exactly! All his friends use to ask me why i was with him, that i should be warned… while telling me he was a good man but broken. I understood now he was a good man but for them, with me it was the worst attitude! I should’ve never ignored the red flags. Now i know better. It’s just hard now not to notice that a lot of people have very big red flags!
Finally someone made this video! I wanted to know the 'HOW' for so long! Clear steps and great encouragement. Just what I needed right now in my life. Thank you Matthew! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
8:00 - 9:30. Bingo !! Women still look for the initial chemistry or spark…….and never give the stable gentleman enough time to see that he may be the most interesting and exciting man you ever met. Many are deeper than what you initially think you “see”
Great advice for a single mum such as myself and anyone confused in early stages of relationships. So simple and insightful, I felt it important to forwarded this to my 17 yr old daughter and her BFF.
I came to realize there's a difference between a guy who's "mysterious" and a guy who's secretive. That moment of clarity made his "mysterious-ness" an immediate turn off for me and I ended that shit quickly! And now he has remorse & regrets for how he treated me. I have no time & energy for Peter Pans and grown fuck-boys...next!
I have watched dozens of videos on RUclips. Mathew Hussey makes the most sense. Value !!! The meaning is so huge. We tend to Value others but rarely Ourselves!!! If I put my price tag on me what would it be? Priceless!!!
When I asked my ex why he was so mean to me, he said it was because I let him. I was just too nice of a person. I didn't know if I needed to change or if he was just taking advantage of me.
If you are sweet and kind hearted, stay away from mean guys because they will just mess with your mental🚩 Been there, it was hell🥺I now prefer sweet, kind hearted guys☺️
This is so so valuable. This is the exact trap I keep falling into and I’m really working to avoid it. It feels like you have no control over who you’re attracted to but this helped me a lot. I need to stop seeing things in such a binary way. Thanks Matthew ❤
I like that you know all that and you've learned that even at your young age I am 62 I've never dated had two marriages in my early years that I learned real fast that people aren't always honest about what they want so each marriage lasted 3 years a piece and when I started caring for another gentleman about 3-4 years later I made sure there was a four-year engagement before I even thought about marriage to try to get to know them best I could. However saying that, I have learned in my long marriage with my third husband before he passed that I learned some things about him before he died that I had no idea that he ever did or thought so I learned something new about a man I thought I knew almost everything about which taught me that no matter how well you think you know someone there's something that you don't know about them anyway and hopefully it's not too bad
There's lots of nuance here that needs fleshing out. Women don't need either the player bad boys nor men who don't excite them. If that happens, there is a good reason for that. No sane woman would reject a good match willing to communicate (and a bag of chips) just because he makes himself available. If she does, she's not sane and then I suppose the advice here applies. But we must be careful with this type of advice who can get people from one fatal mistake to another. Just because it's stupid to let oneself be taken advantage of by bad boys doesn't mean it is right to rationalize a man one finds unexciting. No, not even if he is the quintessential "good guy" by the book and he is available. People need compatibility - not "good guys" and "good girls." A woman who has her wits about her can easily weed out the ridiculous players, but she will still face the arduous task of finding someone whom she finds exciting and meaningful. There is no way around genuine connection, attraction and compatibility. Availability by itself will not do it. Just because someone is available and ready to "treat you right" doesn't automatically make him a suitable partner. The other way around apples: just because a woman is "the nice girl you can take home to mom, who would never..." doesn't automatically make her a good choice for any man. The concepts of "wife/husband material" should be exposed for the dangerous tropes that they are just as much as the bad boy. But we are much less likely to do the former. People need someone suited to them, not a generic, socially approved merchandise to stick into a husband/wife role. Sadly, this strategy has led to just as many marital failures as dating a hot bad boy or bad girl. There's only one rule: listen to your soul, assuming you have one (some don't). This is different from listening to your hormones (hot), your ego/social brain (looking good next to...) or your inner moralizer (date a "nice" person). If you silence all these noises and pay attention, you'll hear the soul speaking: he/she is the right match for you or not. Follow it.
Trauma healing changes the people you become attracted to. I used to attract broken birds and spiritual fkboys until I did my own healing. Now these people really turn me off. Genuineness is sexy, authenticity is sexy, integrity is godamn sexy. Sometimes it is about the challenge that we chase the person. We need to think is this worth the challenge? In the same way we think about a challenging job or goal. Not too challenging but not so easy that it feels they just want a relationship with anyone & not specifically us. Heads up the player just wants to play and not necessarily just with us…😂
Absolutely! I've been there done that with first bf. I found out exactly who he is . A bad boy player. I cannot go back to men who are like this. They only break your heart. It's the truth. The second worst is the controller which was my second bf which is my ex husband. I'm at peace now I don't have to worry about all this bs from men. Unless your going to improve my life I don't want you. I don't need the drama I'm truly at peace with my life.
Wow. The part about "fake strength " is deep. The bad boys i dated back in the day always had a few layers of weakness at that core that they hid with fake strength
1.someone who has all of the markers of great human being . 2..suffered alot ...so they know what they are able to do in life . Its impressive the way you articulate things . A real useful video
This video is something I feel like I should've watched sooner.... my ability to read people's intentions has always been coated in a lens that rose-tinted; I want to see the best in everyone around me. The older I get, the more I realize that there's a difference between acting naive and choosing to be naive. I no longer wish to act naive, and I feel like I'm starting to accept reality for what it is in bits and pieces. It's not my fault that I'm slow to learn a person's intentions as I have a learning disability, but in knowing what I know now, I realize that I really don't want to associate myself with people who are selfish, inauthentic or aggressive.
This is a great video, Matthew. However, I must admit that after being in very healthy longterm relationship with one person and KNOWING how they could turn me on, giving space etc. I STILL get superexcited by the bad boy who would give me absolute nothing if we'd be together. Just because of how it feels just being in his presence. 🤷♀️ So... I don't know how to cure that. I think that what factors in there as well is this fantasy that bad person could become good if we could mean a lot to them... And if this would be possible it would mean that our own value is high.
Oh ..this made me miss my ex husband. He was predictable and trust worthy and honest and loyal. And I left because I got bored. I was not mature enough emotionally to see a good thing when I had it. :(
I’m drawn to “pizza” too. Sometimes it felt like the lows were worth it because of the highs until there were too many lows. I think I’m going to have to rewire the ways I am attracted. Because I know it’s a healthier option to have a relationship where each day is even keel for the most part, but when you’ve had those passionate highs it feels difficult to convince myself that I will be happy without those. I hope I can find somebody that “sometimes is still pizza” or change how I am attracted.
O my ! I just loved this video so much that half way ( while I’m doing my nails - got exited and wanna to comment…hopefully won’t mess my nails) I just wanna to say that this video applies not only to people that r interested in meeting their “ type “ but ppl in general, including friendship because nowadays the theory of friendship has changed. Ppl are looking to socialize with someone that only has a career or someone that has lots of money and so on …and completely ignore an old friend that’s going through touch times, or trying to Lift someone that lost someone… Anyway, what u r saying does make sense that instead of trying to always just get something or have our needs met we should give out, be open and patients to let others unwind slowly instead of quick momentary satisfaction.
This video came just at the right time. I met 2 guys. One is nice and cares about me. The other one is emotionally unavailable, but I feel so attracted to him. Now I just can't get over him and find back interest in the other guy :(
Between a man you love and a man who loves you choose the second one if you're searching for a happy life. But maybe you're emotionally unavailable, you have traumas you need to heal, that's what's happening in general if you're attracted to a man you mentioned. No healed woman would go for an unstable relationship 😊
Woooooow. This gave me SO much clarity on why ive been ao pulled to this guy who has ghosted me multiple times. Thank you, this helped me realize that he knows exactly what he's doing 😆
I’m attracted to you Matthew but you’re engaged and all the good guys as well so… the problem is not only being attracted to bad guys but also there isn’t a lot of options.
There are a enough options, because, At the end, you just need one person. Just open your eyes and put yourself out there in the world. And yes. Matthew is in a healthy happy relationship and we could not be more happy for him, right? 😊
I think you are missing the point. He is asking your open your eyes to guy that you are not necessary just physically attracted to... Get to really know them
There are plenty of options for you women and it’s the complete opposite for us men. Lower your standards a bit and I’m sure you’ll find a nice emotionally stable guy. 👍🏻
If someone is attracted to people who bring then chaos, they need thereby. It is not a matter of watching a vid on RUclips and making superficial changes. They need deep help from a professional
Spot on I met a woman that looked like a soccer mom, clean and well dressed Conservative and wild in bed! He does have a point You can’t tell by looking at them
I have a question that's not really related to this topic, but this topic made me think of it... What do you do when people think they're in love with you, but they're really just seeing something they really need in their lives, and they don't SEE that's all it is? Like, they're CONVINCED it's "true love," but all signs point to them only being drawn to your kindness, your sense of humor, etc.... Is there a way to get them to finally see it for themselves, without being a total jerk?
@@lunashine6839 because they'll constantly compare me to exes... Say things like, if only they were (insert characteristics here), like you are, I would have stayed with them," or they talk about someone else all the time, but then say, "I don't even think about them, because of you." If that's the case, then why does it seem like they're wistful that someone ELSE isn't like me?
@@susanparker9877 I am sure that has to be the case. I ended the relationship, but he's trying to hang on. I'm just waiting for the ex to want to "talk about things." He'll forget all about me. At least, I sure hope so!
People often confuse excitement or attachment or cravings for attraction... A craving is not the same thing as attraction. Excitement is not the same thing as love. Attachment is not the same thing as love.
Okay...but there are those who figure out this 🤔 and make it a habit of being "scarce " in your life just to screw with your head, I now become scarce and trigger that sh!t. Exhausted from these stupid games that are played.
Well, it's easy for him to say this. He is pleasant to eye person. Unfortunately plenty of those that do not look great physically, come with low self esteem packet and from there another issue arises.
When I was 25 I went out with a 30 year old successful nerd. That just pumped up his ego and he tried to see what other women who were too pretty for him he could get.
@@genxx2724 I know what you mean. Be happy you are not with that person anymore. Usually for this type to get their ego boost, they will try to put yours down by criticising you.
@@stillme7535 He did. He made me feel bad about myself for not being athletic and not having a perfect body. 32 years later he contacted me on a dating site. We taliking on the phone. Turns out he married a Soviet bloc Olympic gymnast, and by the time they divorced she had become an obese, mentally unstable alcoholic. I am vindicated.
Anything on fearful avoidants? I met an amazing man. He lasted 7 months before doing a 180 on me. He was kind, thoughtful, socal, fun, honest, considerate, giving, romantic, great conversation, similar goals and interests. Chemisty off the charts. Then bolted. I want that without the rug being pulled out from under my feet. I dont want a bad boy or an asshole. Idky he wigged out other than what I've read about attachment disorders. :(
I think that you will get bored anyway, because it's human nature and we have to accept it. For me, the key is to get to the point to appreciate boredom. And to get to that point, first you have to "get sick" of the excitement
Attract to their ,,mistry,, it was so perfect hehe when you show how they dont smile!!✌️😅😁,or say a little. And yes then they go..nd disappear. Thank you for this video it realise me a lot!And how we neglect not knowing other..and others..
I decided to go out with 41+ years old men because I thought 30 years old are not reeeeady yet. I’m 30. I ended up with an alcoholic narcissist men. Ughhhhhh why god why
I won't begrudge them finding conventionally attractive, financially stable bad guys more attractive than me. But I would rather see them with conventionally attractive, financially stable good guys.
Matt, you made me laugh loudly. When you finally find a guy that has it all together, you don’t want to sleep with him. It happens to me all of the time! Lol! Are you living in my head?! 😂
3:00 - haha always attracted to that 'man of very few words', who never smiles. who i constantly chase and never texts bak. Then a day of full attention...then nothing for weeks....
I want a good man, i was married to a good guy who passed on years ago and he brought out 'my sexy'. Good guys are certainly not boring at all, just communicate and let them be free to be themselves!
Indeed. Never trust a person that has let you down more than 2 times. Once was a warning, twice was a lesson and anything more than that is simply taking advantage.
PREACH 🗣️🗣️🗣️
Never let someone DUMPED you TWICE.
Anything more is simply abuse
Sounds like my ex
@@emmaa2696 I'm glad he's your EX. MEN who like you give no RED flags.. Only Green ones. 😉
Don’t punish people who make you feel safe by being bored with them… That was awesome
This made me divorce my wife. Ladies, take notes.
@@DukeJohnny Applies to men too.
Best video ever! In my 20s I dated this "perfect guy" : charismatic, gym rat, smart, engineer with a good job, singer and musician in his free time, motorcycle rider; simply "perfect"- so exciting. To make it short: left me the biggest trauma of my life. A few years later I was lucky enough to meet a GOOD MAN that makes me realise that If a person doesnt give me peace, then it is not good. As simple as that
How did you meet both of them, were either of them through dating apps? Just curious
@@littleleafyleaf the "perfect" not perfect guy, at the gym - he talked to me first. The good man I met him travelling and started as friends for a few months before getting engaged in anything romantic.
@@marcelaburgos5112 thanks for sharing, so glad to hear you recovered from the trauma of the first “man” and have someone beautiful in your life now, gives me hope ☺️
A couple of years ago, I shared a flat with a woman who was a couple of years older than me. We talked about what we find hot in a man. I listed things all sorts of superficial things (and some not so superficial things 😉) and she said "roomie, you know what is the ultimate turn on for me?". And then she looked me deep in the eyes and said "stability". That was about 6/7 years ago. I now get her 😍.
damn right! consistency and reliability are damn sexy.
thinking too much .... is a sign of symptom.... try to understand which ailment attacked u😆
@@meeperbirdNice! I don't understand why my cancer ex was such a player 😢
@@meeperbird 16/07
How the heck do I switch my mindset hell this is toxic
Matt, have you noticed that this trick is also strengthened and pushed onto us by many romantic comedies? The love stories are always so full of toxic ups and downs and player-type guys who suddenly and magically "change" for the one girl... while this is not real life I think it sticks with us!
It isn't true because I thought I knew someone for years who was happily in a relationship but would often talk in a sexual way then when she was around got angry.
Yes wow we were programmed, even if subconciously.
100%
Not just romantic comedies but also shows like euphoria and sex and the city
It's also that idea in romcoms where 'you are the exception' availability bias. Exceptions are called that for a reason. Most probably, you're NOT the exception. Stop giving chances and move on
This is a more powerful video than you can ever realize. It shows how wrong we can be in looking for a relationship, and what right, really needs to look like…
For real!!
Agreed @jadegreen1554 👍 I watch this often.
This is the first time anyone explained the addiction to the rollercoaster ride of a bad boy.
Addicted to their absence hits me. I crave him more when he's gone and not talking. I think we as women have always been taught that the bad boys are where the fun is, especially when you are a wild, rebel style woman. Regular men are boring. I've lost 2 really great guys because of this. I look back now and see how dumb I was, but they were outright boring and normal.
This is a powerful video. Wow.
Just let chads smash and extract cash from betas like a normal woman. Plain and simple
When you begin a journey of self reflection and becoming a better version you are no longer attracted to red flags or people with red flags. They’re actually turn offs.
That's so so true
Normalize losing interest with red flags.
so true. I look back and feel disgusted.
This is spot on. After 10 years of being married to a "safe" person, I was given attention by a "bad boy" who looked like an angelic rock star. I ruined everything and ended up alone.
I'm so sorry. Did that bad boy stole you from your husband? There is a bad boy who courts me too. Should i stay away?
@@hannahjessicamedina if you're in a relationship then for sure you should avoid him...
Yes I learned my "affair partner" was an outlet for my unhealed trauma (sa, childhood abuse) :)
This is my favourite video that you’ve ever made. I am going through the process of learning to value consistency, intention and something real. This video reminds me I’m on the right path and therefore gives me hope for the future. Thanks for this ❤🙏🥳
It was only last night I was like why why why why do I only fancy horrible men.....I live the way he likened it to the diet thing coz I changed mt diet a few years ago and it's hard at first and then it transforms the way I think
I’m with you ❤️
I'm a guy, "Can you make that which you do not find exciting, exciting?" love that line and I wish it would happen more. But so many experiences I've had with girls where I'm left feeling like I shouldn't have been reliable, shouldn't have been compassionate or caring, etc. This is the illness that the online dating/app culture seems to propagate. I've all but given up, and if anyone is wondering I am a physically attractive person, in peak physical shape and quite an accomplished individual, in that my career is stable, I have my own interests, skills, talents to occupy me. I feel like I'm on eggshells all the time with women, one wrong word or move and it's on to the next guy then the cycle repeats. The dating world seems to be merely a form of entertainment and validation for most ppl nowadays. Thanks for what you do I hope it helps shift us all in a better direction
Hello! As an older person, I think the dating/apps are not for someone with your descriptive. You seem to be constantly 'auditioning'. Look in places someone with the qualities you're looking for would be. Young man, remember this; Attraction is what you see - infatuation is what you feel - but love is what you know. Godspeed.
I’m sorry, but this is online dating for both sexes
Don’ use dating apps ever again. They’re awful for at least 20 good reasons. They make it only a tad easier to meet low- value people. Sure, some are ok but MOST AREN’T. Pretend they don’t exist. Be as brave as you can & just approach women. Make a joke then try to get a date. It’s mortifying but do it antway. If some is rude or unkind, you dodged a bullet. Women don’t REALlY want to use dating apps. They want to meet a guy by being approached by him. Your girl could be anywhere: grocery, in line anyplace, ANYPLAcE.
Ok. What are u on about?
Well, if you’re into animals you would know that birds of prey, or raptors, can spot prey from considerable distances. They know if you’re injured or basically not behaving like the usual food source. So, the men are dogs narrative is kinda dumb. When you factor wealthy men having a greater vantage point, well one and one make two🤓
I heard about a study once, where they asked couples who'd been together for several years, to list the recent time they found themselves really wanting their partner.
They found a common trait in these monuments of desire was that one partner would be observing the other in a separated sense, not in direct interaction, i.e. watching their partner playing with or teaching the kids something, or watching their partner work on a project or create something, etc. Part of their conclusion about human behavior is that it's hard for us to notice feeling desire for what we have, because having it satisfies that desire.
If we want a person, but they're not wanting to commit to us, then the desire can grow really strong and we can feel like, "why do the noncommittal guys drive me crazy with interest, but the guys who want me quickly, seem less desirable.
If a person wants you before you're sure if you want them, then instead of desire building or being fulfilled, instead before desire even fully starts, you're already shifted into the mode of, "let's slow this down", "I'm not really sure about this". Their desire for you not only limits the chance for your desire to grow, because you knew you had it before you could even long for it, but it now also brings a sense of pressure, and demand for you to be in charge and make the choice.
Thus a clear communicator with who prioritizes good traits and sees them in you, is less attractive, in that they build less desire, than the guy who doesn't recognize your value as fast, or just isn't really into commitment.
I see it differently. We gain respect and admiration for someone when we see them in their element, interacting with others, doing what they know how to do. Going on dates doesn’t show this.
Well said, both of you
Woow amazing writing
True, but if there is not progress, I loose interest.
But if they ask you that fast that they are interested, it really scares me away bc that person barely knows me and neither do I them..
The pressure also scares me away.. I need to take my own time getting to know them before someone professes anything way to early(like some guys on dating apps do this without even meeting you yet).. they’ll ask you to meet the next day and it’s a weekday.. (like what?). I don’t feel comfortable with that at all. It really feels like pressure and that they want to “push” me into something and “control” me. I don’t want to be controlled.. I just immediately want to run away..
Ladies: men are NOT bored when they are feeling SAFE with someone
this is what we are looking for …
Thanks!
Lol I’ve just the last few weeks talking to someone I thought was my friend for years who has a gf and apparently “happy” and “safe” but when she’s not around talking openly about sex, porn, fantasies asking me mine and jerking off also telling in graphic detail about his ex gfs were like in bed.
When I ask why he does this, he gets mad and says he shouldn’t have to explain himself. He got really angry tonight because he was with his gf and worried she would see my messages so he cleverly deletes everything over last 10 years and says he is not interested in me and that I don’t compare to her and blocks me after all these years of on off chat. In the end he was using me and playing with my emotions. I hope she finds out before it’s too late and takes him to cleaners then dump him which is what I predict will happen since she is much younger.
some do (get bored if you make them feel too safe) just ask my ex.
@@loriann7117 shitty excuse he gave you …
It doesn't depend on gender but on what we naturalised as familiar when growing up. If you grew up in place that somehow was unsafe for you emotionally, your nervous system will crave that level of unsafety unless you work on yourself long enough.
So helpful. Dated a guy who seemed to offer security but it was bs. He even said "Never be insecure about us!" while ignoring me regularly etc. We can think they are offering us security especially because the instant connection, instant certainty can lull us into attaching quickly. Their apparent confidence in life seems like a reassuring thing..until the mind games ramp up. I now want to communicate my needs and desires with confidence and mutual respect to a potential partner, looking for the same from them and build something real.
This is such a good video. I have been modelled by my parents that men who are on again off again and who go on massive ego trips are the most desirable. Struggled for years with trauma bonding and just not feeling excited about good guys. I fought back by setting and enforcing really strict boundaries. You don't want to hear about when I'm upset? You're out. You can't apologise and be accountable? You're out. You don't stick to your word? You're out. Even if I don't feel attracted to good guys I at least don't waste my time on people who hurt me. It helped to know that it was my own issue and I needed to be the one working on it. Have been with a couple of wonderful kind men who are very exciting in their more quiet ways since then and now found someone flashy but who has his sh*t together
Damn I love this man hahah. This thing are actually life changing, never heard any other therapist talking about them in such deep and detailed way. Thank you for doing your job 😊
You have to train yourself to not be attracted to these "mysterious" behaviours and rather accept that they are not conducive to a healthy lasting relationship. It takes a certain level of maturity and grit to get there though. I used to find emotionally unavailable men alluring in my early 20's but now I find that behaviour abhorrent because it diametrically opposes what I'm after - a stable, healthy relationship. I had to get my heart broken a few times to truly learn this lesson though.
Emotionally unavailable!
“Unavailable”**
@@stephenn77 yes, you're right! thanks :)
@@jadegreen1554 thanks!! corrected :)
Honestly the more therapy I get the less people I find attractive (for a relationship) :)
So happy to hear that I’m doing all these things, and making my way out of the darkness and wastes of time and into the healthy mature way of being in relationships.. I’m right on schedule. 🙏
im proud of you
@@pojebable 🙏🙏🙏💋
I think you just saved my entire relationship! thank you!
Every woman wants a partner who will look at her like she's the most significant person in their life!
This is fabulous!! Just started a new relationship with someone .
I gained the strength to walk away from one that I knew was not working listening to you! Thank you for all you share ! 🙏🏼❤️
Matthew hussey is so wholesome. It’s refreshing to hear this and it be validated that people like this exist. Hopefully I’ll find them. I think I did, but I was the one who wasn’t ready.
Been through this exact situation recently and had to walk away from this toxic relationship. I am very proud of myself with what I did and definitely the best decision as I am much happier being without this person.
Thanks Matthew for your great work 👍. Much appreciated.
Wow...very original and relevant content. I now have found myself in this position after some not so wise dating choices. This video has given me some perspective on how we can course correct if we find ourselves only gravitating towards the bad boy dating experience.
Omg me too, this video is like an answer to what had happened to me in my past relationship.
As the saying goes.... You accept the love you think you deserve. 😓
“Go on honey. Take a chance.”👵🏻
Exactly! All his friends use to ask me why i was with him, that i should be warned… while telling me he was a good man but broken. I understood now he was a good man but for them, with me it was the worst attitude! I should’ve never ignored the red flags. Now i know better. It’s just hard now not to notice that a lot of people have very big red flags!
Finally someone made this video! I wanted to know the 'HOW' for so long! Clear steps and great encouragement. Just what I needed right now in my life. Thank you Matthew! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
It's true. Such a practical approach.
8:00 - 9:30. Bingo !! Women still look for the initial chemistry or spark…….and never give the stable gentleman enough time to see that he may be the most interesting and exciting man you ever met. Many are deeper than what you initially think you “see”
When people say "there is not the spark", they are saying "I don't like you". It's just to don't hurt the other person.
Bingo huh? Let's get our cards! lol
Mystery is a dangerous thing to be attracted to… good one
4 yrs lost .. but not 4 more. I am a very young 60 and have lost hope for real lasting ❤
Thanks, Matthew! First time here… your words were really powerful. Just what I needed to hear today, brother. ❤
Great advice for a single mum such as myself and anyone confused in early stages of relationships.
So simple and insightful, I felt it important to forwarded this to my 17 yr old daughter and her BFF.
I came to realize there's a difference between a guy who's "mysterious" and a guy who's secretive. That moment of clarity made his "mysterious-ness" an immediate turn off for me and I ended that shit quickly! And now he has remorse & regrets for how he treated me. I have no time & energy for Peter Pans and grown fuck-boys...next!
I have watched dozens of videos on RUclips. Mathew Hussey makes the most sense.
Value !!! The meaning is so huge. We tend to Value others but rarely Ourselves!!!
If I put my price tag on me what would it be? Priceless!!!
When I asked my ex why he was so mean to me, he said it was because I let him. I was just too nice of a person. I didn't know if I needed to change or if he was just taking advantage of me.
If you are sweet and kind hearted, stay away from mean guys because they will just mess with your mental🚩 Been there, it was hell🥺I now prefer sweet, kind hearted guys☺️
That’s a bad person. However, in general you can’t let people walk on you. It attracts users.
Wow, he's awful.
Don't change, he's just an a**hole
Dang i really wish I was able to afford your virtual retreat. It's sounds totally amazing and informative. Good luck, hope it all goes great!
This is so so valuable. This is the exact trap I keep falling into and I’m really working to avoid it. It feels like you have no control over who you’re attracted to but this helped me a lot. I need to stop seeing things in such a binary way. Thanks Matthew ❤
Love this video! Must be my favorite I have watched from your channel. You explained everything well AND made me laugh many times. Thank you!
I like that you know all that and you've learned that even at your young age I am 62 I've never dated had two marriages in my early years that I learned real fast that people aren't always honest about what they want so each marriage lasted 3 years a piece and when I started caring for another gentleman about 3-4 years later I made sure there was a four-year engagement before I even thought about marriage to try to get to know them best I could. However saying that, I have learned in my long marriage with my third husband before he passed that I learned some things about him before he died that I had no idea that he ever did or thought so I learned something new about a man I thought I knew almost everything about which taught me that no matter how well you think you know someone there's something that you don't know about them anyway and hopefully it's not too bad
One of the best videos I’ve seen in my whole life
There's lots of nuance here that needs fleshing out. Women don't need either the player bad boys nor men who don't excite them. If that happens, there is a good reason for that. No sane woman would reject a good match willing to communicate (and a bag of chips) just because he makes himself available. If she does, she's not sane and then I suppose the advice here applies.
But we must be careful with this type of advice who can get people from one fatal mistake to another. Just because it's stupid to let oneself be taken advantage of by bad boys doesn't mean it is right to rationalize a man one finds unexciting. No, not even if he is the quintessential "good guy" by the book and he is available. People need compatibility - not "good guys" and "good girls." A woman who has her wits about her can easily weed out the ridiculous players, but she will still face the arduous task of finding someone whom she finds exciting and meaningful.
There is no way around genuine connection, attraction and compatibility. Availability by itself will not do it. Just because someone is available and ready to "treat you right" doesn't automatically make him a suitable partner. The other way around apples: just because a woman is "the nice girl you can take home to mom, who would never..." doesn't automatically make her a good choice for any man.
The concepts of "wife/husband material" should be exposed for the dangerous tropes that they are just as much as the bad boy. But we are much less likely to do the former. People need someone suited to them, not a generic, socially approved merchandise to stick into a husband/wife role. Sadly, this strategy has led to just as many marital failures as dating a hot bad boy or bad girl.
There's only one rule: listen to your soul, assuming you have one (some don't). This is different from listening to your hormones (hot), your ego/social brain (looking good next to...) or your inner moralizer (date a "nice" person). If you silence all these noises and pay attention, you'll hear the soul speaking: he/she is the right match for you or not. Follow it.
Hands down one of your best videos.
Don’t punish people who make you feel safe
Damn that’s so powerful.. 😢
😔
Hopefully women finally learn this.
@@DukeJohnny I should hope so
Trauma healing changes the people you become attracted to. I used to attract broken birds and spiritual fkboys until I did my own healing. Now these people really turn me off. Genuineness is sexy, authenticity is sexy, integrity is godamn sexy. Sometimes it is about the challenge that we chase the person. We need to think is this worth the challenge? In the same way we think about a challenging job or goal. Not too challenging but not so easy that it feels they just want a relationship with anyone & not specifically us. Heads up the player just wants to play and not necessarily just with us…😂
It’s funny cause it’s true! Haha I laughed all the way through this, in the best way. Thank you for delivering a message that resonated
Absolutely! I've been there done that with first bf. I found out exactly who he is . A bad boy player. I cannot go back to men who are like this. They only break your heart. It's the truth. The second worst is the controller which was my second bf which is my ex husband. I'm at peace now I don't have to worry about all this bs from men. Unless your going to improve my life I don't want you. I don't need the drama I'm truly at peace with my life.
Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom!! So excited to grow and not sell myself short
Your videos help me a lot with some issues I had when I was dating a guy and he left me.Thank you.
Wow. The part about "fake strength " is deep. The bad boys i dated back in the day always had a few layers of weakness at that core that they hid with fake strength
1.someone who has all of the markers of great human being .
2..suffered alot ...so they know what they are able to do in life .
Its impressive the way you articulate things . A real useful video
Wow so so insightful. That’s wonderful and lovely Matt. Thank you ❤
I love Matthew Husseys videos. They help women so so much. Thank you and god bless you and your loved one. Ameen
This video is something I feel like I should've watched sooner.... my ability to read people's intentions has always been coated in a lens that rose-tinted; I want to see the best in everyone around me. The older I get, the more I realize that there's a difference between acting naive and choosing to be naive. I no longer wish to act naive, and I feel like I'm starting to accept reality for what it is in bits and pieces. It's not my fault that I'm slow to learn a person's intentions as I have a learning disability, but in knowing what I know now, I realize that I really don't want to associate myself with people who are selfish, inauthentic or aggressive.
As soon as there are lows, indeed, it should be considered more representative than the highs (at the BEGINNING of the relationship)
This is a great video, Matthew. However, I must admit that after being in very healthy longterm relationship with one person and KNOWING how they could turn me on, giving space etc. I STILL get superexcited by the bad boy who would give me absolute nothing if we'd be together. Just because of how it feels just being in his presence. 🤷♀️ So... I don't know how to cure that. I think that what factors in there as well is this fantasy that bad person could become good if we could mean a lot to them... And if this would be possible it would mean that our own value is high.
I'm not in a relationship for years now but love you for this video Matthew ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thanks Matthew have a wonderful day, bless you 🦋
Oh ..this made me miss my ex husband. He was predictable and trust worthy and honest and loyal.
And I left because I got bored. I was not mature enough emotionally to see a good thing when I had it. :(
I’m drawn to “pizza” too. Sometimes it felt like the lows were worth it because of the highs until there were too many lows. I think I’m going to have to rewire the ways I am attracted. Because I know it’s a healthier option to have a relationship where each day is even keel for the most part, but when you’ve had those passionate highs it feels difficult to convince myself that I will be happy without those. I hope I can find somebody that “sometimes is still pizza” or change how I am attracted.
Yes this happens to me. Thank you for addressing this. All of the good guys I can’t seem to get attracted to.
May I ask you a personal question - what is your body count?
Needed to hear this. Thank you.
O my ! I just loved this video so much that half way ( while I’m doing my nails - got exited and wanna to comment…hopefully won’t mess my nails)
I just wanna to say that this video applies not only to people that r interested in meeting their “ type “ but ppl in general, including friendship because nowadays the theory of friendship has changed. Ppl are looking to socialize with someone that only has a career or someone that has lots of money and so on …and completely ignore an old friend that’s going through touch times, or trying to
Lift someone that lost someone…
Anyway, what u r saying does make sense that instead of trying to always just get something or have our needs met we should give out, be open and patients to let others unwind slowly instead of quick momentary satisfaction.
So important to support our friends.
This video came just at the right time. I met 2 guys. One is nice and cares about me. The other one is emotionally unavailable, but I feel so attracted to him. Now I just can't get over him and find back interest in the other guy :(
Between a man you love and a man who loves you choose the second one if you're searching for a happy life. But maybe you're emotionally unavailable, you have traumas you need to heal, that's what's happening in general if you're attracted to a man you mentioned. No healed woman would go for an unstable relationship 😊
This is a high IQ troll. Not a blast, rather a commendation. Well played. 😂
Mat😀 i might have found a good guy🎉thank you for your advices🎁
Oh I love Matthew he is always right❤❤❤ I do think though the people approaching us are kinda boring and needy.
Woooooow. This gave me SO much clarity on why ive been ao pulled to this guy who has ghosted me multiple times. Thank you, this helped me realize that he knows exactly what he's doing 😆
This was one if your most excellent videos. So, so true.
I’m attracted to you Matthew but you’re engaged and all the good guys as well so… the problem is not only being attracted to bad guys but also there isn’t a lot of options.
There are a enough options, because, At the end, you just need one person.
Just open your eyes and put yourself out there in the world.
And yes. Matthew is in a healthy happy relationship and we could not be more happy for him, right?
😊
@@claudiap.6838 thanks 😊 yes of course I’m happy for him but that’s just an example haha
I think you are missing the point. He is asking your open your eyes to guy that you are not necessary just physically attracted to... Get to really know them
There are plenty of options for you women and it’s the complete opposite for us men. Lower your standards a bit and I’m sure you’ll find a nice emotionally stable guy. 👍🏻
@@23Jpro The problem is when you lower the standards, because even those standards end up a mess and than you feel even bad 😉
If someone is attracted to people who bring then chaos, they need thereby. It is not a matter of watching a vid on RUclips and making superficial changes. They need deep help from a professional
Spot on
I met a woman that looked like a soccer mom, clean and well dressed
Conservative and wild in bed!
He does have a point
You can’t tell by looking at them
Thank you Matt! Everything is absolutely true, but so hard to change these patterns. Nevertheless still encouraging 🙏
Sharing healthy way to love 💕 Thank you Matthew
Thank you, needed to hear this 😊
Your words have been such a wonderful gift .. I could never thank you enough ! !
I have a question that's not really related to this topic, but this topic made me think of it... What do you do when people think they're in love with you, but they're really just seeing something they really need in their lives, and they don't SEE that's all it is? Like, they're CONVINCED it's "true love," but all signs point to them only being drawn to your kindness, your sense of humor, etc.... Is there a way to get them to finally see it for themselves, without being a total jerk?
How do you know that’s the case ?
@@lunashine6839 because they'll constantly compare me to exes... Say things like, if only they were (insert characteristics here), like you are, I would have stayed with them," or they talk about someone else all the time, but then say, "I don't even think about them, because of you." If that's the case, then why does it seem like they're wistful that someone ELSE isn't like me?
@@southerncatlady Wistful, good description.... Sounds like he's still pining for his ex. Save yourself.
@@susanparker9877 I am sure that has to be the case. I ended the relationship, but he's trying to hang on. I'm just waiting for the ex to want to "talk about things." He'll forget all about me. At least, I sure hope so!
@@southerncatlady You understand.
Yeah self-confidence compared to Bold can be confusing when you're just meeting someone and trying to get to know them
People often confuse excitement or attachment or cravings for attraction...
A craving is not the same thing as attraction. Excitement is not the same thing as love. Attachment is not the same thing as love.
Okay...but there are those who figure out this 🤔 and make it a habit of being "scarce " in your life just to screw with your head, I now become scarce and trigger that sh!t. Exhausted from these stupid games that are played.
Well, it's easy for him to say this. He is pleasant to eye person. Unfortunately plenty of those that do not look great physically, come with low self esteem packet and from there another issue arises.
When I was 25 I went out with a 30 year old successful nerd. That just pumped up his ego and he tried to see what other women who were too pretty for him he could get.
@@genxx2724 I know what you mean. Be happy you are not with that person anymore. Usually for this type to get their ego boost, they will try to put yours down by criticising you.
@@stillme7535 He did. He made me feel bad about myself for not being athletic and not having a perfect body. 32 years later he contacted me on a dating site. We taliking on the phone. Turns out he married a Soviet bloc Olympic gymnast, and by the time they divorced she had become an obese, mentally unstable alcoholic. I am vindicated.
Makes total sense, such good advice. Thank you Matt 💕
holy shit im watching this as a straight guy thinking this guys understand woman soo well i can learn a thing or two because
Powerful video! Needed to hear this! 🙏🏼💕👌🏼
This was brilliant Matthew! Thank you!
So true!!! Thank you for reminding that🙏
so truthful, clear and informative..funny at the same time. v good matt!
Matthew thank you so much! 🙏 This is gold, and exactly what I needed rigt now😊😊😊
Excellent advice, thank you 🤗. You've given me hope for the future 😀
Anything on fearful avoidants? I met an amazing man. He lasted 7 months before doing a 180 on me. He was kind, thoughtful, socal, fun, honest, considerate, giving, romantic, great conversation, similar goals and interests. Chemisty off the charts. Then bolted.
I want that without the rug being pulled out from under my feet. I dont want a bad boy or an asshole. Idky he wigged out other than what I've read about attachment disorders. :(
Probably stumbled over a red flag he couldn't get past
Thank you for point 3.
Very important
I think that you will get bored anyway, because it's human nature and we have to accept it. For me, the key is to get to the point to appreciate boredom. And to get to that point, first you have to "get sick" of the excitement
#3 was amazing ❤
Attract to their ,,mistry,, it was so perfect hehe when you show how they dont smile!!✌️😅😁,or say a little. And yes then they go..nd disappear. Thank you for this video it realise me a lot!And how we neglect not knowing other..and others..
I love this, and it came in perfect timing.
I decided to go out with 41+ years old men because I thought 30 years old are not reeeeady yet. I’m 30. I ended up with an alcoholic narcissist men. Ughhhhhh why god why
Because that’s what kind of 41+ year old would go out with a 30 year old.
I won't begrudge them finding conventionally attractive, financially stable bad guys more attractive than me. But I would rather see them with conventionally attractive, financially stable good guys.
Great tutorial! Thanks Matthew. So true. XO 🌸🎆
Matt, you made me laugh loudly. When you finally find a guy that has it all together, you don’t want to sleep with him. It happens to me all of the time! Lol! Are you living in my head?! 😂
1:04
3:00 - haha always attracted to that 'man of very few words', who never smiles. who i constantly chase and never texts bak. Then a day of full attention...then nothing for weeks....
Always great spoken ❤
Wow Matt, so much value here ❤
I want a good man, i was married to a good guy who passed on years ago and he brought out 'my sexy'. Good guys are certainly not boring at all, just communicate and let them be free to be themselves!