How to Avoid Being a People Pleaser and Set Boundaries
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- Опубликовано: 24 июл 2024
- Unlocking the secret to breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing starts with understanding the expectations placed upon you. In this video, we'll delve into the crucial steps of identifying these expectations and leveraging them to establish healthy boundaries in your relationships.
Learn more from Dr. K in his Guide to Mental Health: bit.ly/45NirwY
Not sure which module to start on? Take our quiz: bit.ly/47dGzKj
Understanding the demands and anticipations others have of you is the cornerstone of building assertive boundaries. By gaining clarity on these expectations, you pave the way for setting limits and fostering balanced relationships.
Work with a Healthy Gamer Coach certified on Dr. K's curriculum: bit.ly/3Q318lG
Find us on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, and more here: wlo.link/@healthygamer
▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Preview
00:21 - Call Begins
05:01 - Expectations
09:42 - Frustration
12:13 - How to respond to feelings
19:11 - Bitter medicine
24:49 - Offering teamwork
28:43 - Conclusion
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DISCLAIMER
Healthy Gamer is an online community and resource platform for gamers and their families. It does not provided medical services or professional counseling, and it is not a substitute for professional medical care. Our coaches are peer supporters, not professionally trained experts, and they cannot provide medical service. If you or a loved on are experiencing an emergency, please call your nation's emergency telephone number.
All guests of Healthy Gamer are informed of the public, non-medical nature of the content and have expressly agreed to share their story.
#peoplepleaser #relationships #healthygamergg
I said "no" to extra work the other day - and no one called me a disappointment, not a team player, boo'd me, etc. It was a really positive experience at setting boundaries in a safe environment.
@Luke Skywalker Yep.
@Luke Skywalker it's funny because it's so simple in hindsight lol
I think for a lot of people they end up so afraid of the response that they avoid hearing it at all costs. Because of this, the response is never not what they expect it to be.
You could have a boss who asks you if you could also do this other thing, and is expecting an honest answer, and you say yes, so they let you have it. In the end, you do the work, do the overtime, and do a satisfactory job. Maybe you get paid for the overtime as is normal, and your boss thinks they're helping you out, because it seems like you are always willing to accept a bit of extra overtime, maybe they figure you like the extra work, and everyone else has told them they're too busy.
I'm a manager, and I have to be really careful about this. I expect most people will lie to me to please me most of the time, and I have to read between the lines. Because not only will people not say no, they will go out of their way to offer to do more, and then resent it, because they're looking for recognition, but they don't actually think at the time about what that will mean in the future.
When someone tells me no when my request is reasonable, that's that. I'd say if you do tell your manager no and then they get abusive about it, that's one thing. But if you always say yes, I'd say you hold most of the responsibility. I'll do my best to try to notice when you are saying yes when you mean no, but I'm not always going to be right.
That is good to hear fam 🫡 keep up the good work
@Luke Skywalker In my childhood? Yes. We lived on a farm with a father whom you did what you were told or else. The "else" was either punishment (spanking or such) at an earlier age or getting yell at once older, and typically an angry father whom would be a terror for you and everyone else in the house. So you did what you were told and kept your mouth shut.
"What's it like to go through life piloting a body and mind that can't set boundaries with people?" Painful. Crippling codependency. I am so grateful for content like this and my therapy, my 12 step program journey and all the recovery tools that comes with it. Beautifully and sadly relatable.
crippling codependecy .. that's what my relationship was like...
Seriously it’s like knowing you’re taken advantage of but don’t want to do anything abt it bc you feel guilty
I was a people pleaser (and also a perfectionist) for many years… I could definitely hear myself from him. But I got very tired, burnt out. I was helping with everything and everyone. It came to a point that no one would talk to me anymore unless they needed me to do something for them. I was having such bad reaction from people just calling my name. When I finally asked for help, no one batted an eye for me and just said, “you’ve always done it for us, what’s so different now?” I was surprised and realized no one really actually cared for me, they just cared about what I can do for them. So I said one day to myself “screw everyone else, I’ll help when I actually want to help and not sacrifice myself for people.” But it took a lot to practice saying no. I had to constantly practice it. When I started saying no to people I got really weird looks and people even told me that I was turning “bad,” but I am happier and I finally could breathe. I still help people, but without sacrificing myself anymore.
"turning 'bad'?!"
that makes me so mad
💛
Part of being a people pleaser can be how your raised. Trying to not disappoint people is part of being raised to "be good".
Since I usually only disappointed people when I got in trouble; I personally took the two as same. Unfortunately; people don't like boundaries. Telling people no will always be disappointing for them.
It took time to realize the difference between the two.
I don't know if this will help, because I have never struggled with saying "no" to people, so I might say something very insensitive here, but I leaened to just say "no" to everyone from the moment they ask. I often say it in a playful sarcastic tone, but I noticed that this way I immediately get the disappointmemt aspect out of the way, and if I turn out to have the space and time to do whatever they ask, then I can still say yes later, and if I say yes later, they are twice as happy that I made time for them, because they realise that I chose to spend my time on them after all. This feeling is a lot better than achieving the "yes" I would set myself up neforr i even made sure I have the time for that.
Maybe this would be difficult to do, for someone that has this struggle. I just had an experience a somewhat lifethreatening phase, where I realised that no one will ever stand up for my health, even my parents will prioritise money over doctot appointments. No one will look out for me, my boss does not sit in his chair and wonder if he is stressing me out by giving me too much work, or if my studies require more of my time and if he should give me a day off for my mental health. I am lucky to have s boss that is very understanding, and he said that to another coworker once that was stresses out. He said that he(the coworker) needs to make the rules to protect himself, the boss is just looking at who can handle more work and will distribute it accordingly, as a boss he has other problems, he only has limited pability to make sure his workers are fine, when the workers also try to hide that they are stressed out, a boss will not notice across the 20 people he has to look after.
It is SO SO SO important that you look after yourself and say "no", so the boss can properly react to you, or your friends can. If you can't do that, then try to surround yourself with people that know you are a worthy person.
And yes even when I don't know you, you ARE very worthy of your own health. It is the bare minimum that you will have to fight for everyday. It is your right as a humam being.
Sorry for dropping this essay on you, but frankly I don't think it matters if you are doing good or not, that comes second and I'm sure you will figure it out. But you very urgently need to see that you are worthy even when you are not being good, and that even when you are a disappointment, you are worthy! As a human being you are very deserving of choosing yourself over work or friendship obligations. Please take care.
@FlyingMonkies325 I think I learned to set boundries the "hard"way, but I see maybe I insist others don't need to get to their lowest point in order to have this snapping moment. I don't know how you would learn to prioritise yourself like that. I learned to prioritise myself as a result of realizing that really no one will prioritise me, and everyone in my life is abusive, because peoplepleasing unfortunatley attracts abusers.
My favorite part was that the audio issues would have been a reason that many content creators would have chosen not to upload this, but it was actually a CRITICAL part of this conversation. Exceptional, Dr. K
Amen. Great demo of rolling with the punches
Here's a few key points I loved in this conversation: Not being recognized actually causes stress. Negative recognition is to be avoided at all costs. All efforts go towards positive recognition, planning to succeed...but this is a glass that keeps growing and will never be filled. Having unexpected things happen feels like being setup to fail. So good. This conversation is gold. Overwhelming is a size of an emotion, not an actual emotion. Anger is the emotion... The frustration is with myself because I am not able to set boundaries, and I create the problem by unwillingness to feel the fear and discomfort of disappointing others.
Great summary and rephrasing . You made me realize that I tend to learn more communication skills than mental health from this channel. Especially communication that helps structure emotional thoughts if that makes any sense.
@@greatcesari yep, absolutely, knowing how to put what is happening into words and communicate without ire is a skill not easily developed and must be modeled. The lessons are usually painful for me without effective models, something I lacked. Really appreciated the clarity provided here.
Dr K is a fabulous communicator.
"Who's opinion matters more? The person with more value"
Good lord, it's like I just had a layer of crust scraped off my brain and I can finally see what's going on underneath
I really enjoy hearing talks like this. I'm also a people-pleaser and have been really working on my social anxiety. I've been realizing that this tendency comes from my perfectionistic parents. It's exhausting to always feel like you're doing something wrong, not being good enough despite the fact you walk 3x times more and faster than other people in an attempt to please them. It's been a huge weight off my shoulder to realize this. That life is a lot more chill than I've been taught with the right coping skills and boundaries. That life doesn't have to be exhausting and that I can finally understand why other people seemed so much happier while I felt like they weren't working nearly as hard. ^^ I felt really stupid for not being able to get that.
This exactly. I'm trying to figure this out at the moment
I was a straight A student that was never good enough. Actually, being too studious was seen as bad when I should be doing “girly” things.
How did you get where you are now? I feel like im stuck in that mindest you had and have no grip on how to change that. Almost as if my personality is defined by doing too much for others
@@derAtze [Part 2] This concussion has completely turned my world upside down in many ways I didn't know a concussion could. Fortunately, I am making progress. It's just going to take a long time.
The unexpected benefit, though, is that this concussion has forced my life to a halt. I can't actually keep on working, because now my body will actually cave in. I've been forced to learn how to manage my energy in more healthy ways. I've had to learn how to speak up for myself, because it's an invisible condition. I've had to learn how to communicate myself, set boundaries and be more aware of my emotions because you tend to get more easily irritated with a concussion.
All these things I didn't want to learn I've now been forced to learn through this crash course. I now have learned what has been draining energy, and what gives me energy. What triggers me, and what gives me a lot of joy. What I do because I want it, or what I do because I think other people expect it of me.
I've learned all of these things initially through coaching, physical and occupational therapy. Now that I'm physically more recovered, I'm finally starting with a psychologist. I'm now going to do it well. I'm not going to procastinate anymore. I've been to some really bad places, both physically and mentally, due to this concussion (Post-Concussion Syndrome). But it has awakened me to the fact that life is short. You're not going to be here forever. And if I want to make something of life, I'll have to start taking what I want more seriously. Loosen up, have some more fun. But take my boundaries and self-care more seriously.
Self-awareness, managing energy, resting, scheduling fun things, setting boundaries, etc. It's been a lot to learn in a short amount of time but it's been so worth it! I'm going to do right by myself this time. I've made a lot of steps but I still have a ways to go. The most important realization recently has been why I need to go to a therapist/psychologist. And truly feeling how nice it is to finally talk and get rid of that weight off my back. Getting in touch with your body helps as well - you could read The Body Keeps the Score. Hope that helps!
@@irizjuh1321 oh no, it seems like part one is lost?
I feel like the public school system did a lot to build this and other problems in me. Feel overwhelmed? Well we'll just mark you as a failure, tell your parents, and put it in your "permanent" record. Maybe if you fail hard enough, we'll make you stay another year.
If your boss gets stumped on the question of which tasks are the most important, try asking them which tasks "unblock" other tasks or which tasks have the biggest reward for the company. You could even try asking which of the tasks is the most risky to leave undone or something like that. If your boss seems weirded out at first it can help to say that you just want to make sure I understand the context of the task or wanted to make sure you're on the same page as them/anyone else invested in the task. Sometimes people need a little help to kickstart a new line of thought, specially under stress so even if we think that our boss would obviously have thought about which tasks would have the best returns it can still be worth while to ask the question outright. Worst case, the boss doesn't/can't answer and they find out that something less important got done by the morning. Bonus points if anyone finds a teachable moment in that event😄
Time stamp 19:52. The emotional intolerance of disappointing people. OMG. This felt very visceral and resonant. Resonant to the current topics of burnout and quiet quitting. The dual responsibility of individual empowerment to recognize what we can control, change, have self awareness of boundaries with inherent self worthiness versus the responsibility of the workplace culture/society.... acknowledgement of certain familial/societal/cultural/capitalistic systematic norms that seem to make these needs for boundaries/self worth/mental wellness irrelevant ...even disrespectful and counter to these collective norms. I did not initially recognize that people pleasing was an unconscious preemptive strike survival tactic to avoid negative consequences of life....and to prime the environment to more positive outcomes. Can you imagine the difficulty of voicing no in certain professions that idealize and promote perfectionism, compassion, and service...healthcare, teachers, human services occupations, those in customer service, etc--how do you say no and disappoint your family/community? This beautifully articulated the human experience of the problem. Thank you!
I know people pleasing well. Growing up with an alcoholic father who was abusive instilled in me a belief that it was my job to make others happy. It was a coping mechanism that kept me safe. The other one was to be be withdrawn... flying under the radar keeps you from getting hurt physically and emotionally. There's a lot more to my story of my traumatic past. This is just on facet.
That’s really awful that you had to go through that. I can relate with being withdrawn as a coping mechanism, because it feels like when your being punished and abused for your emotions, if you get rid of them you won’t get hurt anymore. I really hope you find healing and peace from this terrible experience
I relate to everything you said, oh my god. Had not an alcoholic father but he has serious anger issues, and he passed it on the rest of my family. I feel like I need to break the cycle of not developing the same anger issues and people pleasing is a major factor of making me angry due pent up frustration, which is seen as an unexplained explosion for my surroundings. They will consider it unfair while I would find it very normal of a reaction. Hence the need for me (us) to stop people pleasing and put boundaries, start seeing more value in your mental health and ourselves. :))
I'm a people-pleaser too, so this resonates a lot with me. This is sooo relatable. I agree: the only way to break this "cycle" is to dare to say no and accept the feeling(s) afterward.
As an “older” gamer who finds your videos very helpful, just wanted to drop in and say thanks for covering this type of challenge. I definitely struggle with this in my career and I loved how you offered tips on reframing the pushback. Thanks for all you do.
Also an "older" gamer; its nice to see workplace issues, rather than the issues of finding work as a young graduate sometimes.
This is super relatable for me as a mother! My children (and the perfectionist parenting voice in my head) will always add more things to my to-do list than I can do. I am overtaxed, but can I say no to the needs of my own children? In a society that views martyrdom as the ideal method of mothering, it is difficult to set boundaries. Many parallels to toxic work culture. Thanks, Stephen, for calling in! Hearing you share was helpful to me. I am rooting for you!
Martyrdom seems to be the ideal society wants people to strive for. They want the soldier who sacrifices their life for their country via war or labor, they want their invisible and silent homemakers who take care of the domestic touchy feelings of the other. Society wants everything out of people.
Dang, this hits home. I learned to say no. Some of us are wired to help. We don't have to prove ourselves to anyone.
I so needed this!! I got so burnt out due to stress and started self sabotaging eventually (at that time I didn’t even have the emotional intelligence to process what happened). I started a new job now and it’s going so great, partially because of the environment. My previous job will suck everything out of you and I allowed them to suck everything until there’s nothing left. My current job gives me time, they’re cognizant to ensure I’m not overworked but because of my damn personality I’m still setting up myself for failure (because they are so nice, I want to please them, because I want to please them, I overcompensate when I feel I’m not giving 110%, because I overcompensate, I get stressed, because I’m stressed, I self sabotage haha). This round, I am seeking therapy so that helps a lot but gosh it’s a journey to understand my people pleasing self sabotaging self. And I totally relate to feeling like I failed when I say no. I should start practicing saying no just to desensitize myself from the fear of saying now 😂 thank you Dr K and Stephen for this very appropriate video and kudos to you Stephen for being able to catch what’s going on before it reaches a self sabotaging stage ❤
Shout out to gifted kids that feel they can't say no to anything because they're "really smart and can do anything they put their mind to".
I feel that to me core.
This is me, I've been battling this and depression for a long time since 2009. I've gotten help, read books and am still working on myself. Trust me when I tell you it will rob years of your life. To anyone reading this, I wish you success because it's a war with your mind and we need patience and self compassion not comparison.🙏🏾
Jesus loves you, y'know... like really, really loves AND likes you warts n all ❤
Not religion
Not churchianity
Noah didn't join a set of religious practices to hear God's instruction to save him and his household, when "hamas" filled the earth so He had to cleanse it...
...God who formed you & created the heavens and the earth. He's got a plan for your life, Jesus had an attitude you know 😎
With BPD I feel this x1000. First, no, not everyone with BPD are villains so put your bad past experiences and personal bias aside. I felt everything this person was saying, add in a whole bunch of intense emotions all the time and a mind that goes from I'm not good enough to I should...you know. Is a very exhausting experience. (Starting @19:13...Yup. That's it. That feeling of failure is so intense it just....Ooof.)
Your channel is super transformative Dr. K.
Thank you so much for making every bit of my internal feelings/ shadow/ unconciouss more conciouss.
I feel like i am getting way closer to understand me and humans in general by feelings.
Thank you.
The parental curse. I wish dr k would bring that up more. Parenting is important so you don’t have people like this. This dude lives in hell, and his parents put him there.
Oh wow, I've caught this one so fast! Just hopping in here to say thanks Dr.K! Appreciate your content, it helped me to understand and accept a lot of things about myself :)
This is so insightful, the way he unpacks the psychological problem by breaching through layer after layer of the psyche is astonishing. As most people do not have access to such high level of psychotherapy.
Thank you Dr. K and Healthy gamer staff, it's so awesome what you do for the community
im so grateful for this channel, this helped me gain perspective
This guy is Great! I have listened to many videos on mental health and he is so clear.
To me it all comes down to honest communication. If you can explain your situation and your feelings calmly to someone, even if you feel frustrated, then they get the feedback from you and things start to feel more in control.
This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks Dr. K
i started doing this 2 years ago. i set boundaries at work. i got pushback at first, but now im one of the most efficient workers on the team and they never ask me for more than im willing to give. would highly recommend it if ur boss is decent.
I'm high in agreeableness but from my experience almost every time I set a boundary or say to to something and follow that with honesty why I cant/don't want to, people are usually totally fine with it.
10:31 question of the day
This is so relatable. As I’m stacking up deadlines and having to pilot multiple team projects, I feel like I start to screw up. Ppl looked at me and ask “why u look so tired” lol, I need a change rn to get out of this.
I just had the exact same conversation with my team, because other people don't know the work involved and what is going on, sometimes it is about communicating and understanding since they also might feel the same way, when you innocently say something like things should be delivered on time, that is a pressure to them.
I also love his background. The rolling green vibe is so soothing
Man, Doc K is an absolute legend of healthy communication. I just feel immediately positively influenced whenever he handles these touchy real-world situations.
here's my mindset and you might think it's absolutely insane, but I'm such a failure that I can't even fail properly. This means I can accept failure when it comes and be overjoyed with my successes. It's a paradoxical mindset that makes no sense unless you understand how to be happy for what you have without "settling," always push forward but be grateful for the steps you take that lead you to where you want to go.
Something that works quite well for me (might not be for everyone, though): When I feel I'm starting to get behind at work, because there is so much to do and my boss wants to hand me yet another task, I tell him right from the start that I will try my best to finish it, but that I can't promise that it will go well. Often he will go and find someone else or he will even do it himself. And if the task does end up with me and I can do it - everyone is happy. But if I can't noone is disappointed. Well, maybe the boss. But only in himself, because I told him what might happen, but he didn't make the right decision then. :p
That's some useful advice. I might actually do that if I start getting overloaded at my new job. Thanks
i think my people pleasing comes from overcompensating for kind of defaulting on disappointment. im terrible at school im terrible at work i dont really have many developed skills yet so i kind of just overcompensate when it comes to relationships and i dont know how to tackle this because im really really scared of being abandoned so my self regulatory thing to not overwhelm people is kind of based in "don't do this itll make them leave and feel upset"
Lil bro, because you’re alive, you are inherently valuable and worthy. Surround yourself with people who accept you for who you are. If people are only with you because you overcompensate for them, they won’t be there for you when you’re yourself. Keeping people around by overcompensating is just delaying the inevitable which is they don’t accept you for who your truly are. Why not skip the overcompensating part and just be yourself from the start? Maybe you’ll meet someone who accepts you sooner. Worth a shot, don’t you think?
Bless This Dude with a Great Head of Hair as Well as His Fam/Team
The only people we really need to please is our 8yr old self & our 80yr old self💝
This construct was one of the greatest things I ever applied in my life.
True freedom came next!
Recently, I've come to realize the challenges of being a people pleaser while grappling with anxiety, especially in a work environment that prioritizes profit over employee well-being. Despite voicing concerns about workload, the company maintained a relentless pace, creating a toxic atmosphere. Eventually, my mental health reached a breaking point, leading me to resign. Currently, during my notice period, I'm focusing on establishing healthier boundaries for myself. If you are already planning to resign or on notice period utilize this time to work on setting up the boundaries.
To anyone struggling with this, I highly recommend “When I Say No I Feel Guilty”. Fantastic book that helps you be able to put aside this issue, especially when it comes to manipulative people.
Steven you did absolutely fantastic
I've noticed a lot of these kinds of issues are just people putting pressure on themselves from expectations they imagine. I used to be more like this
I with Dr K would have gone into more detail about how to really unravel the damage when you find out what started the people pleasing. I know what the root of the issue is and how it started after years of trying to remember or figure it out. Now I don't know what to do with that information. I grew up in a bad area with a lot of gang activity so my mom desperately wanted to make sure that I didn't mix with any of the kids in the community since they often had gang affiliated family or were coaxed into the life. It was always drilled into me to "be good" and "do what I'm told" and "don't be like THOSE other kids". I got praise and positive attention only when I excelled and showed that I was "better than" the other kids (especially my cousins that my mom loved comparing me to). My mom loved to brag to others about how great I was whenever I did well but whenever I messed up she'd also insult me to others when I was in earshot, acting like she didn't know I could hear her. She once beat me before we left the house to remind me not to act out or embarrass her in public even though I hadn't done anything. She'd just seen another kid acting out in public the last time we were out. It was very clear from early on that I had no right to privacy or to set boundaries. She said children didn't get those things since we weren't grown or paying bills. So to this day I have issues setting boundaries and turning people down.
It was all normal to me at the time. I didn't feel like I was traumatized as it was just another day to me. Clearly the damage was done anyways even if I didn't notice. It took years to notice actually. Like it's recent. I'm not sure what to do about fixing that though. I can't bring myself to break out of the knee-jerk "yes" response whenever someone asks something of me. I literally cannot think the answer through and I don't consider my own feelings or my work load. The answer is always yes and I'm not even consciously saying it. It just comes out automatically. I'm not sure how to turn it off.
Well for starters, kudos to you for recognizing the memory, not an easy task. Your next step should be to recognize the feeling/feelings you get when it comes to those types of situations. Essentially, your subconscious recognizes this event, and more or less has you fall into this survival mode, where some fight, flight, freeze, or fawn occurs as defense mechanisms (what you mentioned fall into one of these). Recognize what you feel, recognize what comes to mind attached to that feeling, and recognize what your belief is around the feeling as well. Meaning, what will it mean if you DON’T give in? Or agree? Lastly, be very compassionate with yourself. Once you discover the truth, you may or may not feel a heavy burden of shame, who knows, but be kind to yourself. You probably developed that survival tactic at a very young age. You did the best that you could with what you knew at the time. I’m no therapist or a licensed professional by any means, but just another gamer who’s gone through his own fair share of trauma, and attended different formats of therapy. Take care!
@@jaygarcia7807 I haven't had access to therapy before so it's all self work. So thank you for kindly taking the time to share some of what you learned in your own therapy. I'll have to see how I can put some of that into practice. I think the hardest part would be recognizing what's happening as it's happening. Typically I only recognize what's happened directly after it happened or a little while later. In the moment it's like my brain shuts off the ability to think or be self aware and it goes into "yes mode". Then after I can consider myself, my feelings, my needs and my current workload. It feels like I'm not even truly consenting to things sometimes since I'm not really making a choice in the moment. I only can think about what I want after I respond. I suppose I can try harder to force my mind to be more present in the moment. I wish I could afford therapy. I'm sure a good one could give me the tools to work this out.
"You are struggling really hard to not be a loser. In order to stop being a loser, you have to be willing to lose, to accept the defeat."
"As long as you are chasing success, you are dooming yourself for a failure."
I'm doing standing ovations over here, excellent video!
this hit me so hard thank you i appreciate you sir
Just want to put my experience down for others to read. I've always been a people pleaser since before I knew what it was. I've also always been a very avoidant person.
I only recently started theorizing that I am avoidant BECAUSE I've always been a people pleaser. It's exhausting and because of that I was always very reluctant to hang out, often making up excuses why I couldn't. I now have no friends. After all, if I'm not around anyone I don't have to do what others say.
I am now in therapy for this.
I feel the same way a lot of the time. Thanks for sharing!
I totally agree. I've been a people pleaser for a long time just to cling on to people but lately I found out I am the one who doesn't want to hang out with friends anymore. I think it's a natural response. Although I don't know what to do next because now I feel really disconnected with my environment. It's probably the best time to learn setting boundaries so that now I can have meaningful connections with friends
Gorgeous episode. This was fantastic.
24:09 The other important thing to learn, if an exchange with your boss goes this way, is that actually the tasks are /not/ all priorities, none of them are a priority; in that case, you should choose which one needs can stand to fall behind.
If they ask about it, "why wasn't [x] done by [y]," you can remind them that they gave no priority to either task, but asked for 3 days of tasks to be completed in one day.
Wow, this was a great video
What if you can't let people down because you will suffer awful consequences if you do, stuff like a loss of income flow or a significant threat to your living conditions? I'm in a situation like that, and what's worse is that it takes me MUCH longer to find a job than other people do, because my experience is very spotty.
I wonder how much breakdown of community, and lack of connection contributes to craving recognition as well.
Accept your limits. If you feel you're not good enough, confront that inner voice that claims you're not good enough - that's unfair and guilt-tripping. It's not your fault that you have human limits. You shouldn't feel any guilt for that. It's not in your control to be a non-stop, people-pleasing robot.
I think it would have been better in the longterm to figure out why he has so low self worth, which he attached to external validation.
What he got now is more a situational fix instead of treating the problem.
Because now he will feel bad every time he says no.
Its better to have enough self value to say no because he doesn’t want to neglect himself
I feel like the technical difficulties could have been cut out a little bit to boost retention.
How would this,” people pleasing” problem relate to the issue of needing our physical appearance to be complemented/validated in order to feel self worth?
🎯 brilliant analogy "yeah I started going the extra mile 5 miles ago" 👏 👍 🙏
1 (mile) is reasonable, 5...really..? It's too big an ask for anyone, you don't really believe thats acceptable do you boss?!!!
Boss, are YOU struggling to set boundaries with YOUR managers? Can i help you figure it out? 😂
I would love to watch Dr K. stream the game "Say No More!" I bet he and the whole community would have a great time with it.
Could you please talk about seeking help? How to find a doctor. How to get health insurance. And how to utilize insurance to get time with a professional.
24:40 The moment when Dr k describes every single job I have ever worked at as not a good place to work at
can't believe we're getting all these advice for FREE. i can't thank you enough Dr. K
Dr. K. You're a pro!
This content was fire!
Its weird i've always been a "quiet quitter" type guy at work, but a people pleaser socially or with dating.
Dr. K can you react to Stutz the new Netflix movie about Jonah Hill’s therapist? And maybe talk about some of the core ideas he mentions in the film? Could be a cool idea, just wanted to throw that out there.
Don’t promise me anything. Just do your best whatever that means to you
Yo doctor k. How do I book a session with you? Can it be online from another country? I sorta need a load of help, and i don't trust any other psychiatrist other than you.
Maaaan I feel this!!
Thanks
Dr. K could have done a real-life Fraiser: radio therapist to listen to in the car or wherever a radio can be listened to
😂
I feel frustrated not because I didn't say no, I feel frustrated because I'm not good enough to be able to just do the work, to work harder, cus everyone can do this much right? Why can't I?
I noticed that lately in the RUclips videos, Dr. K's voice is shifted forward in time so sometimes he answers before the other person even finished their statement. It's just a slight shift but it's really confuging me. Would be great if you could fix that :)
forever grateful i discovered Dr k
Ouch I am this. How could Dr K knew? There is no way.
Does he explain whether you're a pp or not? I think I'm but not too much. Idk. I'll watch the video if he explains
I'd be stressed too if I had Steven's internet connection.
This is going to be completely unrelated to the video, just wanted to say this somewhere. I can't friggen quit smoking weed. I've tried a lot of times and I always come back within less than a month. I've even removed some negative influences in my life yet I still just can't kick the habbit. I would love to see a video in the future on some extra advice to kicking this habbit of mine.
If you already have a video that someone thinks is what I'm looking for I would love for you to share the title with me so I can check it out later!
Sorry for the ramble. I hope you all have a great day!
love the thumbnail
bpd/eupd people know this thing reaaaaally well 🤦🏻♀️
For real! I have BPD and I was like o...m....g....My life. 😅
Literally every title is a personal call out..
Bruh. The thumbnail made it look like ur hand was cutoff and just floating in the air. Like, the white sleeve blended in with the background, and the red bracelet with the little part in the centre looked like the stump a gag hand.
We have a duty to stop being so nice or else we become a monster.
Toxic work environments retaliate when you set boundaries
I feel MEGA targeted but thanks for the video dr k
"Hopefully he's not stressed out because this is unexpected..." LMAO
Is posting a comment the best way to suggest a topic?
Clicked on this so fast
i cant stop being a people displeaser, i say no then dont do what they asked ;)
Matching your words and actions is integrity. Integrity is a vital part of being
a) respected
b) trusted.
If you intentionally don't do what you say, you might find yourself not being respected and not being trusted anymore.
I work for myself. I have an axxhole boss. No wonder I hate myself.
Boundaries 💖
Man is a wizard 🧙♂️🧙♂️
This is so danish, im almost feeling attacked by it.
Spot on video, thank you 🙂
I identify as Steven
having self respect rules
Oh Hello… didnt expect this 🙈
The trick to stopping people pleasing is to do things for people without expecting things in return. Because when your expectations are unmet it turns you into a bitter person. Rather, you need to do things for other people out of the kindness of your heart.
i always accept extra work. it sucks i know but its how u make more money, get promotions etc.
dr.k the flame lord lmao
This is a perfect example of how men typically don't have the words for emotions. All this guy can describe is "stress" . Men please learn emotional intelligence.