My Wife Has Lied For Years (Is It Over?)
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- Опубликовано: 27 июл 2024
- My Wife Has Lied For Years (Is It Over?)
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“Through sickness and health” always seems easy until you’re in that position… sucks…
Exactly. When you make your vows, both people need to see all of the possibilities of what that can mean, then they'd better be darn sure about each one before they declare them before God, Loved ones, and their respective state. Sickness can be Alzheimer's. Poorer can be crippling medical debt. Until Death could be finally succumbing to a degenerative bone disease less than a decade into the marriage. Suicide stemming from severe depression is a distinct possibility for my future husband. We both have health concerns, and I'm in another state with my dying mother. We've already been through some fires, so we know what those vows mean, and that we'll see them through, because we already are
Exactly!!! Especially when one doesn’t want to get well. Smh
Yeah, that part!
Yes.😔🙏🏻
It’s really hard though when the sickness seems to be a choice. My sister is anorexic, and it is extremely difficult to understand.
I am currently undergoing a divorce and have separated from my wife who suffers from severe mental health issues. She has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Despite her struggles, I stood by her during the worst of times, including instances where she heard voices and even falsely accused me of attempting to harm her with a firearm, which was later proven to be untrue through security footage. However, I eventually realized that her mental health issues were impacting my own well-being, causing me to suffer from depression and mental struggles. Moreover, the way she treated me amounted to abuse, even though she may have been unaware of it. While I remained committed to our relationship through various struggles, including depression and medical issues, I could not continue to endure the intense mental abuse and had to leave for my own well-being.
It's pretty much the same situation with my husband. I got ptsd from his delusional thinking and behaviors.
many such cases. sorry for what you're going through
Good for you. Nobody should have to put up with crazy people.
The difference between bipolar and eating disorders have very little in common. People who struggle wit ED they inflict pain unto themselves; however, people suffering from bipolar they drive their loved ones or surrounding insane.
This is heartbreaking 💔
He's clearly already made the decison to leave her and only asking John for permission. And to be frank, that is the best outcome for both him and his soon to be ex-wife.
He's an MD and will find a wife who suits him better within a couple years and she'll have a better chance at finding peace without him.
And most importantly, no children will have to suffer from this mess.
Also I found it odd when he had to pause and answer when John asked him if he was seeing someone. 😊
@@OlgaSuner-dx7fq I don't think he was lying. He misheard John several times during the call and had to correct himself afterwards and it wasn't much of a pause.
I didn’t get the feeling of anger but am questioning just like he is questioning and critiquing his wife who battled an illness. He sounds someone who is checked out and is asking for John’s input. Support and compassion definitely doesn’t sound this way.
Yes.😖🙏🏻🤍
You're right, I think what is holding him in this situation is that he is a DR and almost feels like he's a failure if he can't help his own wife. But in the end we all make our own choices, which is a double edged sword.
As someone who is also married to a physician, it’s a lot of pressure. It’s hard not to feel judged because they tend to be type A and expect perfection, and the lifestyle is just not easy whether they are in training or done with training. I feel like most physician spouses should be in therapy.
No. Actually they should be in therapy. It’s how they relate to others is the problem. My father is a physician and he made us all sick
I will admit that all of this is true😞 As a physician myself…I always seek perfection, especially my husband. Which is unfair. Because I too am not perfect.
He's treating his wife like a naughty child. He is not a mental health professional. She has gained weight while away from him. Strange he didn't know about this disorder before they got married. Makes me wonder what their relationship was based on to begin with. I think he is oblivious to many things.
Perhaps she hid it. You are too one sided to see this objectively.
People with mental health or disorders usually hid it!! Or they are at a healthier state when you met them and they relapse
Agreed.
@@alluringbliss4165 don't think so, remember he thinks she has no problems with her dad and then, remarked that her dad doesn't talk much. He doesn't see that as showing a difficult relationship. By the way, I have doctors in my family.
If the wife acts like a child and lies, why shouldn't she be treated like a child?
Not understanding that he says he made to go live with her mother 2 months ago because he though she was being dishonest with him and then ,later, states she has maintained a healthy weight for over a year?
But the "lying" is part of the guilt, fear, shame she probably feels. Kicked out because she is struggling with an eating disorder?? Seems off base.
Shes put him thru a tornado.
People always think ED is just harmful to the person that has the disorder. It's as destructive as addiction. The ED is a symptom of deep seated issues that can take everyone under. People with ED tend to be very self absorbed and can be abusive and extremely manipulative.
I think there’s very few things that people should leave a marriage for. Abuse is one, on-going addiction is another.
My mom taught me the 3 A's Abuse, Addiction and Adultery
@@kellykirk4244that’s good
I can’t imagine her getting better in this relationship.
I had a severe ED for over 12 years. Married couples’ lives can centre around food & eating together. Not many partners are equipped to ‘help’ in a productive way without being a trigger, especially because he’s focused on her dishonesty and weight.
I feel bad for both of them.
Genuinely curious to know, how would a spouse be "helpful" or "not a trigger"? I have disordered eating habits maybe not full blown eating disorder but it's so personal that even if you love someone/they love you, no one can change it and have you follow through unless you make that decision. In some ways a lot of similarities to a bad meth addiction or something (compulsive and in your head/thought disorder). Not the greatest analogy, but hopefully you get the point lol
Whitney apparently he is a bad trigger she is now 100 pounds after moving away which says it all.
Yup, your partner has to eat and if your illness sees that as a trigger that's a huge deal. I think she needs to go to rehab if this marriage has any chance.
Exactly!!! How he sounds is he is “watching her” and monitoring her behaviors. But for us with ED that just lights gasoline and propane on the proverbial fire and makes you dive deeper into the ED.
Absolutely, it can not be a fun ride for her either ❤ I wouldn't wish an eating disorder on anyone, the closest person to her doesn't even understand it or her
He sent her back to her parents? She‘s not a child…SMDH
She effectively is. No agency or accountability placed on her by Deloney or society. She is not his peer.
I also struggling with binging and purging since I'm 13 years old, but it never was so severe that I was underweight or had to go to a hospital. It's a life long battle. This may sound harsh now, but probably his wife is not a good fit for having a happy family with children. You can love her as much as you want, when problems with the kids come up and everything gets to much, her illness will kick in really bad.
He wants to leave. Is there someone else. She can't help being sick. Sad! He has left emotionally. I think dealing with mental illness is harder than physical illness IMO.
Ugh being with an addict is a nightmare. I was with one and the whole he’s got a disease and would leave him if he had cancer? This school of thought kept me with him for years because of course I wouldn’t leave someone with cancer. I finally had enough of deception, he ruined a part of my life and I feeling guilty kept me there. Never again will I be with an addict and never again will I let someone guilt trip me into staying. He went to the best of the best rehabs that put this idea in my head that wasted precious years of my life. If he’s done then I say good for you. You can’t sacrifice your life for someone who just can’t quit. I feel for her as well but life’s hard enough. Good luck to the both of them.
Dr D would have told you to leave. It’s always the man that’s in the wrong, even when it’s a hard working ER doc like the caller.
@@murderofcrows7738 I know I’ve noticed that. I mean I am happy he’s holding men accountable because God knows I would have appreciated if a man told my ex he needed to love me better but this case is different. He can’t give all of himself for someone who doesn’t want to or can’t get better. Deloney definitely leans a certain way but I do appreciate his advice.
@AbsentDay I am happy your share the same sentiment. I was very young and was guilt tripped by so many mental health professionals. Once I grew a brain I said goodbye to the man and the guilt tripping. You can’t love someone enough to make them quit anything. Only when they are ready and that may never come. I am so glad I escaped as well 😊
@AbsentDay After many years of dealing with mental health professionals I became disillusioned with the profession as a whole. As they missed very obvious signs of abuse. After being fully honest the advice I would receive is how loving and supportive I needed to be and not put pressure on him and was made to feel as if something was wrong with me. Not until one therapist who saw threw it said I am not supposed to say this but you are being severely abused and I would leave if I were you. I was finally heard after years of gaslighting. Mental health professionals sit in a very powerful position and need to take the unit as a whole into account. The incompetent therapists hurt me and that is not right. You may have your views but until you go through something like I did you really can’t speak to it nor understand. Not until you’ve experienced how broken the mental health care system can you make a judgement. I was naive like you. I still see the woman who had the guts to tell me the truth and validate me. She saved my life and she risked her license in order to be help me as you’re not supposed to tell a patient to leave. I trust very few therapists/psychologists as a lot of them didn’t do much for me. Thank God I was educated enough to realize that even though the disease model is in place for addiction that the family does not have to take the abuse from the individual. If one person can make the whole family sick that’s a lot more burdensome than just one individual being sick. I am sorry but you’re logic is flawed.
The thing is… a person with cancer would not be deceiving you
Good advice, John. It's so hard to help people suffering from an ED and usually how we try to help...doesn't. It must be really hard for a medical professional like the caller to be so helpless. My heart goes out to them both.
She most likely feels humiliated that she still struggles with this ED and must feel judged and shamed. But it is also so hard for someone to love someone and at the same time feel helpless in trying to help.
Kathleen I have a slightly different take on this if she felt shamed she wouldn’t put 20 pounds after moving away which shows the pressure in the environment districted from getting g the weight she needed by exerting control from a partner. Since we have only assumptions having her insight would have helped to shape our presented narratives in the comments.
I would wager that anybody saying that this guy is simply just trying to get out of his marriage probably have not seen a ED in real life. It can be an incredibly hard thing to sit in. To see your love one kill themselves. I have a friend that it happened to. It was absolutely heartbreaking. I think this guy doesnt currently have the tools he needs for her, but this guy called in for help. Thats step 1 to him gaining those tools. I'm hoping he can sit through this time with his wife. I think John gave some good advice on this one.
I think he's very concerned and ALSO wants to leave the marriage and wants someone else to make the decision/give him permission. It's very difficult to see an eating disorder unfold in front of your eyes and everything he does to try to help/control is not working and feels like she's fighting against. Both are true, it is hard to watch and he wants to be done because he's sick and tired.
He clearly is done. John asked him if he would leave her and he said "he's close." If he said "he's close" on a phone call, that means he's done, but just doesn't want to say that out loud until he's mentally justified to himself that he did everything he could at least.
Dr John - behavior is a language.
Also doctor John “ you’re taking her behavior personally”
U missed the crucial difference.
@@GUITARTIME2024 what difference? If the person was an alcoholic he would’ve said behavior is a language and this person is choosing to choose alcohol over you. That’s not a perfect quote but pretty close he’s said stuff like that before.
He’s a fixer, he’s wanting to fix her. He’s an MD and they can carry that across into their personal lives, but they should learn not to. Agree with John’s take. She doesn’t want to be fixed by you buddy, she wants a marriage with the person she loves, and to be listened to and - crucially - heard and understood. Then, then.. you can go about together climbing out of disorder and addictions with a professional third party in your corner, not you, a third party. And banishing her to her parents, when you’re married, smacks of emotional and relationship immaturity only doctors often display.
Are you a believer? Do you know Christ? Addiction, according to the Bible is a stronghold. The Lord can break this. I'm praying for you both.
Yes, yes!
You got any single older male relatives who think like you?😃
He's not trying to fix her. He doesn't want to see her self destruct. He's overwhelmed. I pray for healing and restoration for them both, in Jesus name. Amen
Yeah, armchair quarterbacks 😂😂. Things are not that simple silly goose lol
@Pedro Guerra this is my favorite internet comment today😂❤
I’ve struggled with an eating disorder on and off for about 10 years. I can say first hand it’s extremely difficult to just stop. I’ve had doctors tell me I’m slowly killing myself and I still have an extreme fear of gaining the weight I need to. My husband is probably feeling the same sense of frustration as this guy…
I'll be praying for you guys.
I was hoping for a point of view from someone who lives this, thank you. At the same time, I would hate to be married to this guy. Just hate it. I hope for her sake they part ways because it is going to take years of work for this guy to get healing (his own healing, I mean) insight into why he is so cold. And people like him, sadly, cannot see the insight they lack and don't recognize the need for their healing. And never seek it. I wish them well. And bravo to you for working on your own peace of mind. I struggle with this--- seems so much easier, sometimes, in the moment, to just give in. Self compassion is where it's at for me. Thank you for giving me hope!
Some of this is physical, in that you have nutritional deficiencies that need to be addressed. This will help manage the anxiety and compulsions. It maybhave a spiritual component to it as well. Next course of action is get into a habit and pattern of prayer. This mental illness is designed to destroy the body. Some of these issues have agents of discord aka demons behind them.
My longtime girlfriend struggled with this for years and when she got under 90 pounds I was terrified. I understand it’s a mental illness but the toll it takes on loved-ones is real.
I’m curious…..Although you know your eating disorder is harming - even destroying - you, and you know that your behavior is causing anxiety and depression in your parents, partner, or spouse, why do you choose to continue with this behavior? Is this mental illness a form of control, manipulation, or obsessive compulsive disorder? Would anti-anxiety medication, mood elevators, or mild anti-depressants take off the edge enough for you to be able to focus on building self confidence by experiencing small victories in life, such as having a healthier day, working on a hobby that brings you joy, feeling a sense of accomplishment in whatever you choose to put your mind and energy into. I know these sound simplistic; I just don’t understand how this modern-day illness can be anything but scorched-earth destruction. Would this, or does this, behavior exist in societies where food scarcity or famine is the norm?
Note: My niece became bulimic when she was a teen, and continued into her 20s. The binging/purging was destroying her body and her teeth. Through counseling, it was discovered that she was a very, very angry child because her father chose not to be a part of her life. She did everything she could to torture her mother for not marrying her father and having a happy life. When the bulimia wasn’t enough, she engaged in risky behaviors, got in trouble with the law….just a myriad of things. Only when faced with jail time and court-ordered counseling, which included a thorough mental health evaluation, did she start to turn around her 15 year rampage. Ten years later, whenever she feels the self-doubt sneaking up on her, or when she’s been called out by friends or co-workers for irresponsible choices, her go-to behavior is a flurry of retaliatory insults. If she doesn’t feel she’s hurt someone enough (BTW - they’re all on to her behavior), she’ll go to the bathroom and vomit. They call her on this behavior every single time, tell her to knock it off, and insist she go to a meeting/counseling session. She’s fortunate that she’s got a group of folks who love her enough to push her to stay mentally and physically healthy for the two children she’s raising.
Wondering if it was a wife calling in talking about her husband lying about his disease of alcoholism would John have been as understanding?
She hasn't been lying to him, she's been suffering from a serious eating disorder/mental illness.
I really think though this guy wants to be done and wants someone else to make the final sealing decision/give him permission because of the gravity of the decision. He sounds exhausted, angry, impatient, and passively aggravated and resentful. Even if you understand it's an illness, it can really take a toll on you being partnered that closely with it.
Even in addiction, a lie is a lie. The compulsion to protect is extremely strong, but it doesn't completely remove agency. I had an ED and chose to lie. The disorder did not open my mouth and talk for me. On Theo e hand the husband shouldn't see her desire to hide her addiction as a personal affront, but on the other hand she is choosing to place a wall between them every time she lies.
4:28 he says bc he is a medical doctor he can have a different conversation with him rather than a roofer. Medical doctors are not trained on mental conditions and in fact, this guy specifically is making it more about him. Whose to say that an average roofer may be in more touch with what’s going on here. In fact, I’d argue that medical doctors are trained to the opposite of what’s necessary in this specific issue. After they married , she got worse when she started living with him. I think our culture reveres medical doctors too much when in reality they are just mechanics of the body. And more specifically, they prefer prescriptions rather than getting to the root of actual issues. Looking for a quick fix and seeing everything as black and white is the actual opposite of how you’d want to handle a mental issue. John should know better than to put a medical doctor and to reduce blue collar workers to not being able to understand basic empathy and caring over whatever this doctor is doing to exacerbate her mental issues.
John I feel you kind of dismissed his struggle and just sort of continued to infantilize his wife. I understand she has a mental illness but there’s a point that is simply too much …
Goodness. Not much empathy or warmth. I suspect he’s just looking for an excuse to get out. Cold as can be. John is absolutely spot on.
After watching her kill herself for years, yes you become cold to it.
The caller just wants an out because he already has someone else.
@@angelasepi657 yes, my thought, too.
This is an extremely difficult situation and heartbreaking when you truly love someone that is suffering from this condition. I have to say that from an outsider perspective I would advise that this man leave this relationship and move forward with his life. Life is too short to suffer through it as a result of someone else’s addictions and mental health problems. Don’t waste anymore of your time and seek out someone else who you can build a stable trusting relationship with especially one involving children. I stayed in a relationship for 13 years with someone who had serious mental health issues and she ended up killing her self. Looking back I regret having not done a better job vetting this person and should have left before we had children together.
As an recovering alcoholic myself I definitely understand that. I think sometimes it’s that eye opening thing that may need to happen or help the addict snap out of their delusion.
No offense but the guy seems pretty selfish. Only seems to care how he feels. Her life probably isn’t a walk in the park and then to be kicked out……
Eventually, after 4 yrs of a marriage where all he did was focus on her, I think it's about time he considers himself! Especially if she hasn't improved...
@@enjoylifeyolo73 I didn’t know marriage worked that way. A souse has a hard time and you kick them to the curb. Why bother getting married then.
@keithrice2570 I'm married and have been for 19 years... with large family, 8 kids, all of them are OURS. So marriage isn't about kicking your spouse out because they're going through something.
But when you're living with someone who doesn't want help and isn't owning their issues. Then, you have to have boundaries, regardless if they have mental, substance, behavioral, relational struggles... they are eventually going to wear you down and for your own sake and the children, if there are any, someone has to stay strong, and stay the course... otherwise, getting to your POINT, why get married if each spouse isn't willing to grow, heal, fix, build, restore, and learn something new for this relationship.
That may be the best thing for her, so hopefully she can get the mental health assistance that is needed.
He matters as well.
As someone who struggled with an eating disorder and overcame it, I really appreciate John telling this doctor that if he could approach her in a way that she knows is not going to be questioning, critiquing, (aka treating her like a patient instead of a partner) and not in a way that he’s already expecting to not believe what she has to say than her sympathetic nervous system could calm down and her parasympathetic nervous system could turn on, helping her towards a path of healing. What he’s doing now hasn’t been working. So I’m glad John gave him some tough love and productive advice. Whether he chooses to take it or not, we’ll that’s on him.
Dr John: your insight here has been outstanding - as well as (for me) greatly affirming. Thank you.
I lie to my husband all the time because he gets mad over everything. Seriously, I'd be glad if he found out and left me over it. I've already told him I want a separation and he won't leave because he doesn't have any friends and he doesn't want to lose control over me and the kids.
Why don’t you just leave?
if he wont leave, you'll need to. talk to a professional to figure this out please.
He gets mad about everything because he needs to be on an antidepressant. It's a mood balancer. Zoloft, Lexapro, etc. He needs to consult his doctor. It saved my marriage.
Do not have kids with her. If you want this to be your hell on earth, that is your prerogative. Bringing in kids into this is irresponsible and cruel.
Just because you say you aren't punishing her for her mental illness, doesn't mean you aren't punishing her
Brilliant!
Setting healthy boundaries is self-respect, not punishment.
So at what point can a person protect themselves from someone who’s destroying herself and him as well. If you haven’t experienced it you really can’t comment on it.
He shouldn't be punished for her mental illness, so choose your poison.
You assume she doesn't have a choice. Mental illness can be worked on but she's the only one who can do that. He's not punishing her for Mental illness he's punishing her for choosing not to treat it
So heartbreaking, praying she makes it through. Such a ruthless, mental disease that that is hard to understand unless you’ve lived through it. Good advice Dr John.
Showing up and being present when someone is full blown in a mental health crisis doesn’t mean they then turn around and participate in treatment. Sometimes it’s just a front row seat to someone’s self destruction and it’s terrible
Sometimes there is a very fine line between support and enabling. Each situation is extremely unique. Sometimes it's better for both people to let go of a toxic relationship.
I have some friends going through something similar. But the wife has manic episodes and bi/polar-depression. It’s exhausting to watch them all the time. The lies and manipulation are out of control. And they have kids in the mix. 😔
Great compassionate stance, Dr John. ❤️ Too often prople judge rather than seek to understand, when a condition has a behavioural manifestation.
He has a high pressure and stressful job. He needs and wants a wife to hold it down at home and support him when he comes home. She's extra work and adding to his stress. He can't take it. He can't bear it.
That's tough. My heart goes out to this guy. It's so hard trying to manage your own stress and help someone else through their issues.
Dr D, nerd it out… Don’t dumb it down… You can always restate later, either immediately after the call or as an edited video added to the end of the clip… I’m sick and tired of media people thinking they need to “dumb it down” for the rest of us watching… if we don’t understand something, we have means to research and figure it out, dude!
Shut up
She’s dragging him down. He needs to find someone that gives him peace when he gets home. Has a very intense and stressful job. No way he can function long term with constant chaos at home and continue to thrive. No trust? It’s over.
Edit: “She doesn’t need another physician at home” …. And he doesn’t need another patient.
And he doesn't need another patient... this right here!
Agree
I empathize with them. There are no children involved he needs to leave her.
Completely agree with your comment. Also, it feels like she intentionally deceived and hid this illness from him before they got married, because he said, it became worse afterwards. This poor guy rang in for help for himself, but received advice on how to help his wife.
"He needs to find someone who *gives him peace*"
In another comment you'll be saying marriage is not worth it. Don't trust people who use *blackpill* language
As a medical psychiatric nurse I have to admit that patients with eating disorders are some of the most difficult patients to treat. So many patients with mental illness are extremely disturbed and one can almost see the chaos of the brain and its neurochemicals. Understanding that makes it a little easier to cope with. This doctor has at least some understanding of the anatomy and physiology of the brain, but it is not his specialty. He needs to be a husband and not her doctor. He can access assistance through those who can help family members cope. I wish both of them the best. But, I also know this disorder is one of the most difficult to treat, and, unfortunately it has a high fatality rate. So, I can also understand how frustrated he is. He needs as much help now as his wife does. God luck to them both.
Honestly the lack of sympathy for this man is supriising, he's dealing with someone who's commiting hunger based suocide it's a really terrible situation and to subject potential children to that would be super harmful to his kids removing this poison from his life should be applauded.
He's an ER doctor, not a psychologist/psychiatrist. He's wired to recognize immediate physical life-threatening injuries and fix them, not to fix people's long-term mental problems.
His job is exhausting and stressful enough as it is, and after seeing people with "real" physical problems every workday, I totally understand why he doesn't have the energy or patience to deal with her mental issues afterwards.
@@michaelh2282 Dr Deloney always does this. He finds a way to make the husband love the wife more. As a woman myself, it’s really dismissive of women. We are just as strong as men and should be held to the same standards. This woman lying because of her eating disorder is more like having a spouse with an alcohol or drug addiction than it is like Dr D’s CHILD coughing. What a sanctimonious ass he can be.
Why should people sympathize him? He doesn't love her anymore. He wants to divorce her. She has health issues that's causing them to both struggle. So you want to downplay her struggles and issues to boost the ego?
@@murderofcrows7738 Well said. One must embrace adult male responsibility to be truly considered peers of men but too many women believe they are gaming the system by wallowing in this double standard.
Through sickness and I'm health
But what if your health dramatically improves when you're away from them? In sickness and in health is different when they are literally making you sicker.
The husband shouldn't have made his wife move out, that should be her own decision. And what's with the sexist comments?
I try to have a healthy balance between listening to people's hearts and minds, and being solution-oriented. However, when you see someone dying before your eyes, it's so easy to scramble to do anything to save them. This guy is using his training in every way he knows to try to keep his wife on the planet. I would be hard-pressed not to do the same. My mom's in hospice, and I'm her primary caregiver. Even though I know her days are numbered, I still have to make sure I'm not going overboard with making her better. At this point my job is mainly to make her feel better, as her body naturally breaks down. It's not as easy to do as it sounds. I feel for this guy. His marriage is just starting, but he's already fighting not to be widowed. Eating disorders aren't just exceptionally dangerous from a mental health angle, but are also near the top in fatalities of any addiction. I suspect that and alcoholism are neck and neck. This couple not only needs couples counseling, but individual therapy, too, with therapists specialized in eating disorders. Group sessions might help at some point, too, but it's very tricky for that to be very helpful now, when the wife is still struggling with keeping her habits secret from everyone. My heart and prayers are with this couple.
I know its hard watching your mom deteriorate. I went thru it several years ago. I hope you have good support around you. Remember to take care of yourself.
@@madelinem3216 Thank you. I'm very sorry you went through that.
I am so impressed with this Dr.😊
I had an eating disorder for many many many years. It finally just kind of went away. The thing that got me as I started listening to this is that he is exerting some controls over her or trying to and eating disorders are often a form of control. That would have pushed me further down that road.
Thank you John for give advice to this man. You were very professional and he was as well. I think separation and divorce are hard. I may be the only one that thinks this.
He was so glad that he could talk nerdy to this physician; because his other calls are from average people who are not as smart as he is. Now we know how he feels about the simpleton callers, such as roofers.
She needs safety and reassurance and she’s getting the opposite. She needs to divorce this guy.
You’ll never be happy in this marriage. Cut ties and find somebody who makes you happy in life. You want a wife who is a partner.
I think Dr John stepped up his game for a Thursday, surprised me.
Well handled, he just wants a way out , shes better with out him ..its unlikely they will have children if her weight is off
She wasn't better before him so that's a lot of presumption. He could have left her already if he just wanted a way out. He sounds to me like he really does care a lot but feels hope/helpless.
Sarah he kicked her out how else can he say he is checked out?
Yeah. Tell someone who constantly lies to you, and is not doing anything to save themselves, just hold their hand and say I’m happy to see you.
John never wants to hold wives to the same standard as men. He asks women if they’re safe, or that their husbands are judging them, but a husband has to just suck it up and never speak a word about how it’s not right to have a line in the sand.
Lying is not a symptom of any disease. It’s a choice. That ruins marriages, full stop.
What a sad call, he really seems genuine and like he cares alot about his wife. I hope she can empower herself to change!
Her weight as a boundary doesn't seem like the best choice. Maybe look at episodes of restriction or B/P, getting them to occur for shorter time frames and intervals. Increase positive self-talk.
No kidding. The scale is one of the most triggering things for a person suffering from an ED. Like wtf? What a horrible boundary to set. It probably caused more harm than good.
They are not healthy for eachother. It would be same if she gained too much weight.
Probably. Just the way he said "I had her move back on with her parents" is very parental. I think a lot of men treat wives as children or employees and that doesn't work.
John, seriously?! Coughing? My ex wife was bulimic, addicted to meds , racked up ten of thousands in credit card debt and lied about nearly everything. Things that didn't even matter.
You ARE creating an excuse not context. He is NOT her therapist and should not have to be responsible to tolerate the lies. You would not ask the same of a spouse who is being cheated on by someone with a mental disorder.
Living in that pressure cooker, as I did for years, nearly destroyed my career, my finances, my friendships, my own mental health and so on. He cannot fix her. She has to want to fix herself.
Livung with someone like this is like living with a boulder on your chest. Nowhere is safe from the pressure. He HAS to take some control of his life in this situation or the boulder WILL crush him.
You tell him not to treat her like a patient, then in the same breath advise him on how to "treat" her root causes more effectively. Pushing him to do anything but protect his own sanity is unkind and unwise.
During my exposure to this in my life, I came to understand that the mental health field has done extensive work to understand the disordered individual but continues to fail the spouses and children. The damage incurred on them is tremendous. I, for one, can attest.
My advice for the caller...walk away my friend. There is NOTHING you can do to help. You will only respond and react and circle the drain faster and faster and lose yourself.
Step away, decompress, learn from this, be deeply introspective about why you chose someone who is broken, take a lot of time to fix your own brokenness and make a better choice in your next love interest. ...by the way she won't be perfect either...neither are you.
To go ahead and just superimpose your situation onto this man’s situation with only the small amount of information he provided is a clear sign that you’re clearly bitter over everything you’ve been through (rightfully so might I add) and it’s clouding your judgement and your assessment of the way Dr. John handled this call. You assumed he was talking to you and projected your pain from the past few years onto this man’s situation and tried to make the graph line up even thought it just might not. I urge you to disconnect yourself from this, as your experience is just an anecdote, and very likely the exception, not the rule. I say this with all due respect to your experiences, as you are likely many years my senior, and perhaps my nativity is clouding my judgement of your comment; that, I believe, is something I must disclose to you incase you are to decide to engage me in dialogue. Have a nice day.
@@AnEclecticMind Not bitter or stuck in the least bit. Been through copious amounts of work on myself. Addressing my own inconsistencies, my own short comings. I am WAY past bitterness. Never really was. At the time, I was very sad and helpless and out of control. I tried to move heaven and earth to make it work. I am deeply thankful for where I have come out of this and ended up...personally, professionally and with an amazing family. Again, no one is perfect. But the commenter below is spot on. Living with someone who is an addict or has deep mental disorder is soul crushing, even for the most mentally strong and healthy. Boundaries are essential. Realizing that you cannot fix someone who does not truly want to fix themselves is essential. No amount of empathy or patience or bending over backward will change that.
My old situation hasn't crossed my mind in years upon years. I have moved on. Any frustration I have here is in hearing someone who is where I was, asking for help and support and not getting it. Delony is better than this.
In this call, Delony focused on supporting the disordered person. (As a therapist should...the role of a husband or father is and has to be different.) Addressing what he (the caller) should do/how to approach the person who is ill. But what about the support and help the husband was asking for? Delony didn't address that at all on this call. A HUGE missed opportunity. The mental health profession focuses on the sick. But resources and attention to those closest to and greatly impacted by the disordered are limited at best. Those folks have support groups. Thank God for that.
Having spent MUCH time in some of those support groups, I can assure you, my situation is far from an anecdote. If you want to gain a better understanding of what people in this situation walk through and how they have to navigate the relationship(s) to regain or maintain mental health themselves, I would urge you to find a local NAMI support group in your area. Spend a year attending a "friends and family group". It will break your heart and sober your thinking. I was lucky. I was married to someone ill. Many have children who are and that is a much more complex and heartbreaking reality. No disrespect intended, but indeed you are naive. That is not a function of age but of experience. Walk a mile in their shoes, it will make a lot more sense then.
@@hammer6430 Thank you for being willing to spend the time and impart your wisdom here for others and myself to see, and I appreciate your effort and time in delving deeper into your situation and showing me another side to this whole thing. Let it be known that I understand now that my earlier comment is insensitive and has a very “easier said than done” tone to it that I regret having used now that you’ve explained things even more. I’ll do better the next time this topic comes up in my life and that’s because of this conversation. You have a good one sir 👍🏻
@@AnEclecticMind No insensitivity felt or offense taken. I am glad we could interact on this in a healthy manner. All the best to you!
@@hammer6430
I agree with you 100%. 💯💯
Delony failed on this one.
Caller was asking for help yet Delony only focuses on his mentally ill wife. She's not even the one that called.
When it comes to male callers Delony is very biased. He tends to blame male callers, just like in this call. Delony says he's not blaming the husband but he is! Delony even blames the husband, "You're taking her behaviors personally". Yet in every episode Delony would say "Behaviors is a language".
Yet in this call, Delony is accusing the husband of taking his wife's behavior personally.
My sister has struggled with anorexia for over 20 years. It’s not something that ever goes away. It’s something she had to learn to manage.
Started binging and purging (bulimia) at age 9. Finally got it under control @ age 30. It's not an easy battle.
So he left her because of her weight, he's awful. She's better without him.
She should've told him the severity of her condition before marrying him. I feel bad for the guy.
Nit just her weight. Much more serious than that.
John was exactly right when he said this guy was treating his wife like a patient! He is being self righteous & acting like this was a huge break in trust. This poor wife is dealing with this disorder & so desperately afraid of disappointing her husband so she hides the disease. Be a husband guy!!!! Support her, love her!!! If this was MS or something else he would not have been so critical & kicked her out. Would hate to be married to this guy!!! This husband is extremely judgmental!😡😡
He found out AFTER they got married. Big surprise.
He is a doctor and notices every single thing but didn’t notice while getting knowing her and seeing how she looked?
If you cannot trust someone, you cannot maintain a relationship with that person, it's as simple as that
So if it was a man with narcissistic personality disorder and lying and emotional abuse is a symptom would the advice be the same?
He's checked out. He is just doing his do diligence to quality assure the relationship but this is so objective and cold.
I would never abide an addict. I'm sorry, but life itself is tough enough.
There are lots of different addictions. Food, exercise, coffee, etc. It's hard to find anyone that uses moderation in ALL things.
@@cameronvantassell9483 Perhaps. But that's obfuscating. Certain addictions carry greater consequential outcomes. This man should not build a family with a woman with anorexia/bulemia.
@@michaelallen1154 so are you ok with the other end of the spectrum? Someone who is obese? They have disordered eating too.....
@@cameronvantassell9483it’s not hard. I have no addiction, so do my friends. Normal people do things in moderation
@@cameronvantassell9483 no, I'm not okay with that either. Like I said, life in the modern world is difficult enough as it is. People really are better off to be discerning about their choice of spouse, and do their best to avoid entangling oneself with an individual who is at greater risk for disrupting the attempt of the other partner to live a peaceful and productive life.
He does realize she has a mental disorder, right?????
And as he’s a physician should really understand that! Disgusting that he kicked her out!
Sad part is he liked how she looked until her disordered eating got out of control.
Would YOU like the look of a Dachau survivor?? Sounds like that's what she became.
Okay, what did I miss? So many people in the comments are calling this woman’s eating disorder an addiction. Why? Did the call mention what the source of her disorder was (i.e. addiction to control, body dysmorphia, etc)?
"Until death separates us" - my ass
John, no one can 'just hold the hand' of someone killing themselves with an ED and expect their parasympthetic system to save them. You gave the wrong advice, and I hope you talk to your audience about it.
Man just leave her alone if you’re done! Leave her
What this guy is doing is exactly the opposite of what she needs to get better. This disorder comes from never feeling good enough for being herself. Then, this moron comes along and tells her that he won't love her until she does X, and she feels worse. She needs unconditional love. It's the only way forward with this disease
She has to want to be fixed. Only she can manage her behavior. People can only provide the tools but she has to use them. Most of us cannot live unconditionally. That type of love only comes from a parent (best case scenario) or our Creator. Change has to come from her. This is about her making that change. She needs prayer. He cannot help her.
I was with an addict. It’s hard. He doesn’t know what to do. I wouldn’t want to be in either of their shoes.
@@thematrix3663His way of talking about her makes me feel like he cannot love her and that's maybe the start of the issue.
No. I think he cares a lot and is at the end of his rope. Marriage can't be completely one-sided all of the time. I can imagine being married to an addict is completely heartbreaking and soul crushing. And yes, I feel empathy for her too. I'm sure she didn't ask for this. It's a hard hard road.
Facts!!!
He is fueling the ED more.
My god this guy loves coddling women. He is done with her. He’s given her 4 years and she’s chosen her addiction over him. Where is her love for him? He wants a family and there’s no way his wife will ever give that to him. It’s time for him to move on.
lying about your progress isnt a function of her illness, and she isnt a 9 year old little girl. Usually John gives good advice, but he isnt getting mad that shes coughing. The equivalent thing would be him getting mad at relapsing, not knowingly lying to him
Anyone who’s had an ED knows it’s extremely personal and private. It’s about self control. I can imagine having to address it with a controlling partner.
I would love an update on this caller. This is HARD stuff, and I wouldn’t attack how this caller is trying to find peace. It sounds like he is desperate to find *something*, and it sounds like he has some fight left in him to help this marriage survive.
I commend him for calling in and being honest about everything.
"I'll explain this to you differently since you're a doctor and can understand more than a roofer"
Proceeds to explain in perfectly understandable to anyone language. Doctors remember a lot. They're not particularly smart as a necessity of the job.
Great illustration.
Are you showing grace and love the way you know how or the way she needs it? 🤯🤯
Eating is choice. Change my mind
When you family members who are just going to continue to kill themselves with an addiction it’s so hard! Worse when it’s parents and you can’t opt out of thier lives
She is afraid that telling the truth will result in his overall view of her standing/performance as a person becoming diminished or negatively impacted. In other words, she has experienced him as a judge rather than as a partner.
You can love and love and love and support and give grace to someone who has mental health issues, but when they have no control over it or desire to get help for themselves, and it begins to erode your own health and mental well being, it is better to let them go before it takes you under and you are swallowed alive. It WILL destroy the other person too because it takes over every aspect of the relationship.
I wish he had gotten more into the lies she told him
I mean this sincerely: would you give the same advice to a woman who was being harmed by a man who had an addiction? It really seems like there is a double-standard here.
I was reading the comments before the vid explained it and thought everyone saying ED meant something else
Is anyone capable of stopping lying?
The caller probably needs to consider whether he wants children and whether she is ever in a position to be physically and mentally strong enough to have children. Not likely. Based on this alone, it may be a good decision for him to move on with his life as tragic as this situation truly is. My heart goes out to them both. Staying with someone who can’t fulfill what you imagine they would fulfill after everything you’ve done to help them may only create deep seeded resentment which wouldn’t be good or healthy for either of them. 😢
He needs more help I couldn’t imagaine what he’s going through that would be so hard maybe support group would help! I think it’s good for him to focus on him for some time.
Maybe she isn't honest with him became she doesn't feel safe doing so. I'm not excusing her actions, but seems she's scared to tell him when she's falling short. John is right in that shame is one of the driving forces in eating disorders. Adding more shame and treating her like a naughty child doesn't help. He also needs to keep in mind that after years of eating disorders gaining and keeping on weight is almost as difficult as keeping weight off after a crash diet.
I think a little compassion is in order but we don’t know the full story. Dr. D is right that he’s taking her issues personally like she’s choosing to lie to him for some selfish reason. She’s sick. But if you’re tired of dealing with it and it’s interfering with having a normal life with no way out then that’s okay too
She became his “no. 1 can’t fail” patient instead of his wife. That’s why when she’s struggling, he stressed out both of them.
I personally think that people should REALLY get to know a person before they marry. You need to be able to determine what you're getting into and if you have the capacity or strength to handle certain things. I firmly believe in marriage vows (in sickness and in health, for better or worse). However your health matters just as much as the other party. It takes a certain kind of person to handle mentally sick people especially in a marriage. Never marry for love. Marry a person who fits you, you trust, you can communicate with, that shares the same values as you, etc etc, Love is important but it's last on the check list. People let emotions and honeymoon chemicals cloud their logic and judgment. Vows are scared. Be proactive instead of reactive. Just some advice for people for future reference.
He’s too long-winded I cant. Just answer his question…what were the boundaries?
He answered this. He calls weight loss the boundary. Like, he says that her continuing to have a mental illness is violating his boundaries
I'm confused and hope someone here can help clarify this for me. Regarding a situation where another adult asked me what I want and how they can support me, I tell them what I'm struggling with and what I need for support and then they knowingly choose to do the opposite, because it's what they wanted for themselves.
I think Dr. John would have me frame it as "you chose to do x and I choose to feel hurt." But, to me, they chose to offer to support me and then decided to ignore me, so saying I choose to feel hurt sounds strange. I feel hurt. Any thoughts?
It depends on how close they are to you.
If it's a spouse, siblings, kids or parents then they are close enough for you to feel hurt by their actions. And it's ok to tell them so. If they still don't care then put up some healthy boundaries.
If it's a coworker then you just cut them off and move on with your life.
That's the best I can do from listening to Dr John
@@scroogemcduckismyspiritanimal (I love your name, btw!) Thank you for your thoughtful reply. The more I think about it, I wonder if he meant to use this language in regards to children specifically. I get there is something powerful in choosing your feelings rather than being a victim of them. In a different video about blame, he did say that blame is a waste of time. However, if someone pushed him into the road, he wasn't going to go back to the side of the street where they were standing. Anyway, lots to think about and I appreciate your time!
If they don’t t have kids, he needs to end this marriage. 4 years of marriage and he's dealing with all this. No way.
Bros a walking 🚩 she will never heal around narcissistic behavior like his.
maybe she is the narcissist, with all her lies, gaslighting, manipulation. O yes, lets make her the victim.
@@riettelabuschagne9155 she has an illness and he kicked her out of her home for having symptoms of her illness.
She has been doing it for all of their marriage that is not right … not the same as the coughing 7 year old.
I sometimes question how we can kick a spouse out for certain reasons but we would never do that to a child . My son is struggling with an eating disorder and I can’t think of throwing him out . He’s also on the spectrum which makes me question if he’ll ever be fully independent. It’s my cross to carry but getting mad at him and kicking him out is not the answer .
I don't necessarily agree with the callers actions. But a wife is significantly different than a child. It's your responsibility
Because you’re legally and morally obligated to take care of your child but not of a spouse.
A child didn't ask to be brought into this world but marriage-- atleast in most parts of the US.... is a choice.
That’s your son, that’s what you chose. A spouse is not a child. It’s an adult killing themselves. You can’t sever bond with a child, your blood and dna flow through them. You can do that with a spouse especially with no kids there nothing connecting you guys once you’re done. He doesn’t want be apart of her suicide plan. Good for him for not bringing children into this wreck
@@Dwights_trash_can yes but he’ll still be my child even as an “adult.”
She has an addiction?! Like hello?! You're her husband, your suppose to be there to support her. Like wtf?! Narcissist alert! 🚨🚨