These YouTubers called me out on my Toxic Friendship Behaviour...
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- Опубликовано: 24 июл 2024
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The problem is that people In friendships have not categorized each other the same. You can have 2 friends and one is viewing the other as friend. The other person is viewing the other person as acquaintance. And both are expecting/treating each other accordingly. So know your role in a person’s life #1. And know how to properly categorize the people in your life. #2 we are living in a very draining/exhausting season of life globally. A lot of people don’t have the time or energy to take on other people’s stuff…because they are juggling their own things. Friendship in my 20s looks different today at 42 years old. In my 20s it was all about talking every day and dropping everything for your friends. Now…I create healthy boundaries. If I can help, I do. If I cannot..I don’t. I also allow myself to receive help because I don’t always ask, but I do ask when I (really)need it. For example, before I got married I had surgery and my childhood friend took me the hospital because my mother could not. I asked months in advance if she could and she had no problem. We’ve been friends for 30+ years. We don’t talk daily, but we are like family. I talk to friends every now and then. I schedule brunch a few times a year. Outside of that I am very busy with my own family. I have 5 close friends and we rely on WhatsApp to stay connected regularly. But they are busy too so we really maximize our face-to-face time when we do have it. If it’s something major/big like hospitalization, holidays, birthdays, baby showers…I will be there for you. Even church groups I don’t do anymore. I just want to go on Sunday and leave. Don’t ask me to be a part of a board or committee. ❤
Yeahh i love being alone a little too much, i just gave birth but the whole calls, visits and attention is just stressing me.. and i also don't know how to enjoy being helped, it feels like a burden i should reciprocate.
Me too,no unannounced visitors, please. I may not be dressed,my frame of mind may not be there for entertaining or i am in the middle of doing something.
Friendships sometimes are difficult to maintain especially if there are some unclear expectations.
That means, I am not weird. I can relate. Living alone during NYSC were also my best days. I get overstimulated too and sometimes, I just want to be alone. I am just like that, I get uncomfortable when people help me out or go way beyond to help me.
i use to be all lovey lovey to my friends, but the energy from them wasnt close to the level of care and attention i gave them so i am back to my growing up days. i grew up as a loner and since i cant get a friend that complements me i am happy to be with my hubby and kids. i have your mums spirit🤣
The way you're saying all this things is as if you're explaining me to the world, this is so me ooo, sometimes I just think if I have personal problems
This video made me laugh a lot as it really resonates. Plus Adaeze's side monologue about her make-up was hilarious 😂.
I think human relationships can be so complex, particularly female friendships. For the 'introverted' females, relationships can be very tricky to navigate. However, I think we need to embrace our true nature and personality, otherwise we end up beating ourselves up about not conforming to other people's expectations and definitions of what good friendship should be. I found a lot of peace once I realised that.
We should also be discerning about the people we let into our inner circle and make sure we are aligned in our values and outlook on life and relationships. It's almost like every friendship/relationship should come with a contract! I think people that really understand and accept our personality are people we should gravitate towards. Otherwise, we spend half the time trying to explain our actions and inactions. It's draining! Just like intimate relationships are guided by the love language of each partner, friends also have their own love language.
I tried doing the whole being a part of an inner circle of women who were nice, but who had a very different idea of what friendship should look like and I can tell you that when I didn't conform to their standards, the book of 'after everything I've done for you' was opened and I collected! Never again! But it was a learning experience and I realized I'd rather be peacefully on my own and not have the drama at all than have those sorts of trade by barter friendships.
She said she now also owe those that came for the baby shower surprise. Adaeze!🤣🤣🤣🤣
Adaeze, sister after my own heart. This video is helping me realize the kind of friend I am to my friends.
😂😂😂😂 Adaeze I don laugh die oo, the video is sooo hilarious, I think you should equally do a video on toxic friendships, those that would pick on you about every single thing you do and won't recognize or even clap for you when you do good or succeed .Because the way I disappear on people makes me worried sometimes, I am on the other spectrum in terms of being extreme, my detachment game is sooo top-notch 😊😂sometimes it makes me wonder if it's just me . Anyway thanks for this video, it makes me realize i am not alone on certain things to because i equally reject knidness for fear of not being able to reciprocate too.
I can so relate.... Especially the part of rejecting niceness because you will always want to do more in return...
Im always on myself i dont have friends .. friends always disappoint .. im ok alone ❤❤ you are right ❤❤
Ha, Ada you can over think ooo, lol. I'm TOTALLY opposite. I Love to celebrate my friends, I can ask for help and I Love surprises not necessarily a party (because I dont like being centre of attention) but I love being loved and showing love (I'm a hugger 😁). I love to stay alone though, that's the irony. When I'm at home I Love my space and even when my husband is not home for some time, I love being alone that period. I go all out for my friends because I know they will do same for me.
Sanguine😊
I am like you in this behaviour. The only difference is that I ghost people when I am going through a lot and maybe after. The reason is that they won't even help when you need them, so why share. Thank God for my immediate family. People just want to KNOW your business.
They’ll even use it against you in a matter of time.
This was a very interesting conversation Adaeze. Thank you for sharing with us. I resonated with some of the things you said, and I'm also finding myself questioning the "why" of certain things as well after watching. I really enjoyed this video!
Please don’t avoid your sweet neighbour. She might think you were offended by her visit😅
The way everything is so relatable. 😅
I have always had this feeling that I and Adaeze were caved out of the same wood and this video has proven it to me and for me. omo it was like someone reported my personality to her. also hmmm watching you do your make up ehhh has also proven to me that making up is harder than learning a new recipe but i love it
This is so me. I’ve observed we have so much in common! The fact that we always say our mind. Whether good or bad, even where we are at fault. I love my solitude even though I also enjoy other’s company. I can be strict. People even say it’s pride, Omo I’ll rather chew stones than ask some people for help. Even family.
I think there are different sides to it, cause I know that there are people who are low maintenance friends also because they don't want to have to shoulder any responsibility in turn and have to reciprocate any kind action... and as well whenever someone does something nice they try to do something better so that you can never say they are indebted. It's all very subconscious... I can relate to not ever wanting to ask for help but I think it's a trauma response because safety in friendships actually breeds a healthy level of expectations.
41Mins? Juicy
Ah let me go and prepare dinner first.
This video needs a meal to go with it
I get what you fear, and sadly, many people are like that, but not everyone is like that. I believe it's always important for people to leave their hearts open for those types of people, who do not expect anything in return, because they exist. They may not be many, but they definitely exist.
Then Ada, imagine if other people thought like you did, how would you feel? Imagine if the good you did for others, they did not receive it because they were thinking like you and they did not want you to owe them anything. How would you feel?
Then my 2nd thing is, you have to ask yourself, if you are like that yourself. When you do good to others, do you expect anything back in return? If you don't, then isn't it possible that other people are like yourself too and don't? Imagine if someone else is like you, and they don't expect anything back but then you had this type of mindset towards them, they would really feel bad because of how you're thinking.
If you are like that and you do expect people to pay you back in kind, then maybe that's why you have this fear. Then it would be something to work on.
Again, not everybody is like this, and it's very unfair to judge everybody, based on the attitudes or behaviours of some. We're all guilty of this sometimes, God help us
Ever since someone I know said I was using her for her car, that was the day I said I’ll never ever ever inconvenient anybody.
😂😂😂 Eya
I really enjoyed watching this video and I can totally relate to this.
Omg I relate so heavily to this video
Adaeza I can totally relate with all you’ve said..I guess that is why I don’t have deep friendships, which sometimes is sad
I pray to do better
May God help me
I totally comprehend.
Ewe adaeze. This video is gold. This is me to an extent.
Friendship evolves too
Truth is that you can change people so just be yourself don’t feel bad Infact your personality is the best cuz people can be funny at times it’s safer to create boundaries
I totally understand your thought process, but yes definitely work on accepting help from those whole are already in your life, that is your community. But maybe you are right in your ways because it’s not everybody you should take help from.
Regarding the comments about how open our households used to be , if you think about it we were all children, it was very nice as a child.
As we have grown up and now we hear the kind of rubbish some of our parents endured they were basically being used in some cases. I do think sometimes our families don’t vet people properly and assess what is going on before they allow people to be close to them, and i think we are learning from them because all the pain that comes from being used is so uncalled for. The word no is free and is not negative.
in this day and age we are all tired! There is not much capacity to build a community unless it is your heart posture to be giving and build such a reality.
I think in todays age lack of community is due to the lack of interest for some but i think for most is because people now have boundaries which i think is good, i think everyone should have a few people that can come to your house unannounced, those kind of relationships are needed because life is not easy.
But 100% it’s not by force, whatever is beneficial to your development in life is what you should do, being independent and alone is not a bad thing.
❤❤❤❤My kind. Nothing is wrong with you. Be you!
Same here. I don't like people visiting me unexpected, I love to give but I don't like receiving. Am not good at talking to a friend everyday. I don't visit people lol 😆. I don't like people coming in space spending too much time, except you are a very considerate person
So relatable!!!👍
I can definitely relate.
As FRIENDS WHICH SHOW ALL BE ACCOUNTABLE AND HAVE EXPECTATIONS.... NOT ALL FRIENDS BUT PEOPLE YOU REALLY KNOW THAT HAVE YOUR BACK AND HAVE DELIVERED THEIR 100% OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN... AND YOU DEAR GIVE YOU BARE MINIMUM.... THAT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE....
I always love these sit down, gisting kinda video, so excited for this💃🏽💃🏽❤❤❤😂
I ghost people but it’s not cos I think they are my problem… I’m the friend that LOVES being there for my friend and if I’m going through things… I just don’t have any ENERGY to give anyone, I can’t even laugh - nothing is funny at all! 😭😭😭I do alert them like ahhh this is happening … I’m gonna ghost and let you know when I’m back.. they get it ! I usually get back up but I need space to withdraw then come back
I and my children are like that too we are just for our self no body help me but I help people, yes is good to do back to some friends but some just leave it like that a day will come for you to pay back
I don't think I'd like to be seen as a user as well cos i dislike users alot.
Now when i go out for my friends, i look forward to same from them o. Give back the good energy biko
I can relate to this, i was suppose to get my friend fruits for lent but i didn't bcos my birthday was coming and i don't want him to feel obligated to buy me a birthday gift
I feel so bad not buying him the fruits though he still bought me a gift on my birthday 😢
I am also a low-maintenance friend. I really don't feel comfortable with someone going all out for me.
Oh Ada, I can understand all your reasons for not wanting to accept help or goodwill from people. But we are all humans and we need some form of goodwill from people. Imagine if you are celebrating something and you invited people and they start thinking this way or that you gave birth and no one visited you, you'd feel bad
I used to think that way too then my therapist told me hyper-individuality and always doing things for yourself is rooted in trauma where others weren’t there for you and you had to depend on yourself. So you over-rely on yourself as to not be let down by others.
@simplydivine77 oh, wow! Thanks for sharing this. I did not even imagine that it could be rooted in trauma, but now, thinking about this in my own life, I can definitely confirm that my own hyper-individuality is due to unmet expectations in my past friendships.
@@simplydivine77I think this absolutely makes sense, because that's my personality, and I actually grew up not getting help from anyone, (of course, except my parents)!
Friendship is a complicated things the best friends Allred those who face the greatest hard ships and still stay together
I relate to this video so much
That intro 😂
Wawu!!!! Watching you talk felt like is me talking! Everything you said about you is me!...my closest friend who is an extrovert is tired of me😂😂 she doesn't get it. I enjoy my own company and can render help and celebrate people but I don't want to be in the spotlight...though naturally spotlight comes to me.🤷♀️
I am the same way.
This was a good vlog about relationships.
Some how you are right we are human being we are not islands and people need people in life we all need each other you need me i need you friends are for ever i need my neighbour my neighbour needs me my own opinion life is the mistry it can visit you and leave you that is why we need one another friends or no friends or neighbour but you are right ❤❤❤❤ you
Adaeze see as you just dey expose me ooo. Chaii!!!!
You can make jollof rice & chicken for your neighbor. Just make it with very little heat. They’ll appreciate it. Or get deserts like cheese cake or any kind of pie.
You are right, that lip stick make ur face look like Patience Ozokwor in a wicked movie scene ..😂😂😂
We have same personality
If this doesn’t resonate I don’t know what does!!! My dad can give you a 5 course meal and not eat while my mom will remember what you did for her/what she has done for you. So I’m a mix of both of them, I don’t want anyone to do anything for me but if I’m doing something for you I have soo much anxiety I’ll overdo and although I don’t want you to do anything for me if I do need something and I do stuff for you I’ll be annoyed in my head.
If you don’t help me when I need you.
I watched Adella Afadis video too but I haven’t watched Mariam’s let me go catch up n come back 🎉
I really love your camera quality
Could you share the name
We seem to be of the same breed. It’s just us though. We could do better but I don’t think there’s much to change. That’s how we can keep our mental stability in check or ahu mgbakasi may set in 😅
We are sooooo alike
As for those people who announce what they have done for me, smh, I just stop being close to them. If they are sensitive enough to ask me why I'm distant, I tell them. Otherwise, I remove them from friends to acquaintance, lol. I don't have an ounce of shame when it comes to such talk. I will announce how you too have used other people, let all of us announce our usership, 😂😂😂
Very interesting..i'm mummy,mummy is me 😅
Hi dezzy you look beautiful ❤
3rď here oooo.....Auntie Daezo😅
Okay they didn’t mention Adaeze’s name because I wanted to say when did Adaeze start replying people that make videos about her. I love the self reflection 👏👏
We all need to that on a weekly, monthly basis
Hi Ada I greet you asampete! 🤗 Yes o, I will take your video however long or short abeg. 😄 Oh nice, I'm a low maintenance friend too. I more prefer to do for you, but will not refuse someone's sincere help. 💌 So I get where you are coming from. Ah ah, see fine gyal joor, allow me to ginger you small. Correct Mama, your makeup nah set! 💯
Omo, you're so funny. I like how you're honest with the smallest of things, even this makeup sha. The way you were lightly commenting on it, got me cracking up! 😅😂 Take care of you and family too, bye. 🤗😘
😂😂 The funny thing about this is that people will still see you as a user even as you’re taking so much efforts to avoid it. People will still do or say so.. so please do not mind
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Ada, why are you so similar to me?
did you have birthday parties in your childhood?
I have a friend who reminds me of Adaeze a whole lot in relation to this conversation and she said she didn’t have birthday parties as a child. Most of our behaviour truly stems from our childhood and the environment we grew up in.
Those uk girls that sound alike are those who grew up in the working class / rough parts of London
Think about opening a TikTok account now that you’re in UK and post contents there. There’s money there.
😂 Are you a thief?
Ada mara mma
The people you were trying to remember their names are Annie Drea, Mariam Musa, Adeola Patronne and Nells Rose.