I Genuinely Thought My Mother was Dead….
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- Опубликовано: 2 мар 2023
- If you or someone you know has been affected by drug addiction, you know it is a roller coaster of emotions. Having a mom who struggles with addiction takes things to a whole new level!
The nightmare is getting a text or a phone call saying that something happened. Well….that is exactly what happened a few days ago when I got a message saying that my mom was MISSING!
I do not think I have met someone who hasn’t been effected by drugs, or addiction, whether it be themselves, someone in their family, or a friend.
I wanted to share this video in hopes that it may help you or someone you know, before it’s too late.
If you or someone you know would like help, the national hotline number is 1 800 662 4357. You are loved. You are worthy. You are not alone & you CAN get through this.❤️
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👋 Hello everyone and welcome to Hanging with the Hehners!
I'm Jamie Otis Hehner and me and my hubby of 7.5 years, Doug Hehner met & married on the same day as strangers on season 1 of Lifetime TV's Married At First Sight.
We lost our first baby, Johnathan.👼🏼 While trying to grow our family, we lost a couple more babies. ➡️ Sooo, we feel exceptionally thankful for our two beautiful rainbow babies: Henley & Hendrix.
Now we are embarking on a fun new adventure that hopefully helps us grow stronger as husband & wife, but also closer to our kiddos.
We are SO EXCITED for this wild, new experience & we can't wait to take YOU along the ride!
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Doug is the best thing that has happened to you. You are so blessed to have a supportive hubby.
Before you comment or judge - please watch this full video. This isn't about airing my mothers business - or shaming anyone who uses. This is about shedding light on an epidemic in America & trying to find ways to help myself and others who go through this cope. ❤️🙏🏼❤️
Hey Jamie
Thank you for this, not only addiction but mental health is very important to raise awareness for. ♥️💜
As a former crank (speed) user & alcoholic, from age 18-30 (drinking) and using crank ages 18-35. I didn't know why I was drinking so much, but I checked
Myself into recovery & it cleared things up. Through therapy. I ruined my 1st marriage & let him our son, because I knew Chris (my baby) would be better off. He was 5 when he left for Florida, I was devastated. Still, knowing what a good, stable man Gary was, I never worked. He has a great career, ended up re-married, had another son, and Cris & I flew back , forth to visit, and are closer than
ever. I met my current husband while drinking & using. He's a great husband. Not quite as financially stable as the 1st, but he's 66, drawing Social Security & working full time to pay off our house!! (Congrats on yours)..back to the damage drugs an do!!! I did quit after a 30 day in-pt program. Covered by insurance. I started having severe panic attacks after Chris left. It affected my blood pressure falling when I'd stand, I thought I was dying! Sitting in front of a fan was the only thing that helped!! The Dr prescribed me ca as c
Sorry this is such a LONG story! It's my life. Through therapy,
I'm praying for you all! My Daughter has been clean for 3 years now.. Thank God! There was many times over the course of 5 years that I didn't know if she was dead or alive, or where she was. There are no words to describe it. This is something that I wish no one had to go through!
There comes a point that you have to realize the situation is toxic. No matter how much you love her, it has to be up to her to get better. You’re making excuses for her. My mom has addiction problems and when she slips up I retreat. I keep my distance. No amount of love is going to make a difference. My brother overdosed and died in 2017… he struggled for over 18 years. Went to rehab at least ten times. I hadn’t spoken to him for six months before he died… I had to separate myself and my own family from him to save my sanity. I know I sound harsh, but I’m 53 and both my parents are addicts(recovered off and on) along with my brother. I’ve been to hell and back with all of them since I was born. It’s created massive complex ptsd in my life. Until I went no contact it was chaos. When I went no contact a weight lifted. You are not obligated to your parent. Especially when they are in the throes of their addiction. It’s also confusing to kids to have them coming in and out of their lives. We have been hurt so many times that way. You do what’s comfortable for you, but take it from someone who has been through this A LOT… loving them is wonderful, but when it comes right down to it, you have to let go to keep yourself and your own family healthy physically and mentally. I sincerely hope things are okay, but really think about whether these situations are hurting you and your family. Your priority is with them. Love the addict, hate the addiction, guard your family and your heart.
Kelly...this so well said. I have had people in my life with addiction & had to make the difficult decision to distance myself from them. You cannot help someone who is letting their addiction destroy their life. Doing so will only destroy your life.
Kelly U must truly be one of the strongest women out there!! Ive only had to deal with one & l cannot imagine being in your shoes! My hat off to you! May God send u lots & lots of blessings for the rest of your life ❤️🙏❤️
Thank you both ❤
Kelly I needed to hear this, thanks for sharing. My adult daughter has had addiction problems in addition to being bipolar.
Honestly… I was expecting a lot of hate for my comment. I’m glad people took it the way it was meant. Therapy has helped me tremendously with accepting that I really don’t need to feel like an awful daughter for setting boundaries and stepping away from the toxic. Especially when children are involved. Thank you for “getting me”! 😊
You have to love the sinner, not the sin. I feel for you. My sister is an addict and I was married to one. It’s so tough with the not knowing where they are or if they’re alive. My prayers go out to you and your siblings!
thank you 🥺
First of all Congratulations on your offer being accepted. Secondly, I to am an addict. I’ll have 30 years in September of 2023. Addicts are not bad people, we just suck at daily life choices. Our dreams weren’t to grow up and be addicts. I have buried a lot of friends because of addiction. A lot of us use and continue to use because of Shame, guilt , and fear. I pray your mom can someday get clean. It can be done, even at her age. My ex got clean in his late 50’s, so there’s that. Will continue to lift you up in pray.
Oh Jamie, so happy she was found safe and sound. I know having loved ones with addiction is very hard. Sending prayers to you and your family 🙏🙏🙏🥰
thank you ❤️
I grew up a lot like you. I held it against her for years and threw it up in my mom's face every time I got the chance to. When I went to counseling the therapist asked me what I wanted my mom to tell me and I said I wanted her to tell us why we weren't the most important thing in her life. The therapist said 2 things . First she said, what would it change now? And then She said what I thought made it click for me
She said you are asking your mom a question she isn't capable of answering. No addict sets out to be an addict. And it finally clicked for me! Hugs from one daughter to another trying to figure out life. My mom has been gone for over 20 years and thankfully she got clean before she died and that was a such a gift she left us!
❤
Jamie, I feel for you and the rollercoaster addiction of a loved one is. My mother is an alcoholic and continued to drink until age 79. After we removed all her alcohol and took her keys from her she finally sobered up and is now 84 but damn, it's a journey by fire.
Thank you, Jamie. I have a 45 yo addicted son. I have raised his 3 children now for the last 20 years. He is a very “hurt “ person for the things he’s done but also has a heart of gold. Your words definitely helped me today. I miss him deeply. His kids have given up on him. I will tell them to hate the drug, not the person. Bless all of us in this situation. ❤
Blessings to you, Diane. I am not affiliated in any way, just a fan of his work, but you might get something out of addiction specialist Dr. Gabor Maté's new book, The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture. Look for it wherever books are sold or check your local library. All the best to you.
@@jillwklausen thank you. I ordered it 💕
@@dianegoldeneye7207, I hope it is helpful to you. ❤️
Oh my gosh, Jamie, this is so TRUE and so powerful. What a beautiful realization at the end about, “I love you more than you love you.” That is the epitome of addiction. You’re a wonderful daughter and I am praying for your mom’s sobriety and her safety. In the meantime, loving her through this is a really big deal. ❤️🙏🏼
OMG! I understand your panic and your love for your mother. Parents didn’t come perfect and I am so glad that you and your mom are supporting each other. I am super glad that you and hubby are working through this. I hope that everything works out well. My heart goes out to you all.
Congratulations on your new house news! Sending hugs and prayers for your situation with your Mom and for her in general! Drugs are a horrible thing. I know how it affects all family members!!!
You are such an amazing, positive lady. Your children and Doug are so very lucky to have you. I really admire you x
Sending all my love and prayers to you and your mom.
Mad respect for you! It's tough having a family member who's an addict but you have such a good perspective on this. Thank you so much for sharing and this will help so many people.
I appreciate that 💞
Nice work Jamie , sorry to see your emotions, anxiety intrusive worry and thoughts , of course SO understandable . Hate to see anyone suffering with emotions .
I Love your radical acceptance of your mom .
I understand not calling the cops 1000%. I feel like most families have at least one addict they love and understand what you are saying. I have come to terms with it. Once you realize there isn't much you can do the only thing left is letting them know you love them and pray they make it out alive.
I'm praying for you and your family. Stay strong!
My father passed in January from complications from addiction. I had put a lot of distance between us in recent years since he fell off the wagon, which made his passing weird for me. But now that it's been a couple months, the reality that all my other family members who are addicts (mom, step dad, brother, uncle, aunt, cousins), are facing the same fate is starting to hit. Knowing I'm not alone in this whole mess of loving addicts makes it a little easier so thank you for sharing your story
sending you lots and lots of hugs 💞
Sending you love and hugs and I know someone close and they are working on themselves. You are not alone!! ❤️🙏
Thank you for sharing this. Positive thoughts and prayers ❤️
Thank you so much!
What an emotional roller coaster. Thank you for sharing from the point of view of someone who has family members who go through addiction. It really is a mental Illness that should be treated with rehab not time in jail. Praying for peace and love for you and the entire family.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
So sorry Jamie you & your siblings had to go through this scary time. I’ve seen my brother go through this with his oldest son for a long time. Praise the Lord he’s been Clean & doing amazing for 4 years🙌🏼❤️
I can totally relate. I lost my sister to an accidental overdose few years ago at the age of 53 years old. We had a love hate relationship. The more I showed I cared the angrier she got towards me. I’m so sorry you and anyone whom is going through this, but just know you’re not alone.
Sending 🤗 from MD.
Jamie, sending you love and hugs. I’ve dealt with an addict in my family too. It’s an uphill battle. I hope that she is able to get clean to be there to see Henley & Hendrix grow up. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. ❤ praying for y’all
I admire you so much! It’s hard to leve someone with an addiction problem 😢You are such a light and kind person! All the best and congratulations on your home!! You deserve the beautiful family you have! ❤
Jamie I have followed your journey since married at first sight and I’m so proud of your relationship that you’ve been able to build with your mom regardless of her mistakes she makes over and over again! ❤️
Jaimie I think it's really brave for you to share about your mom. Loving addicts is one of the hardest things. You must have boundaries but at the same time you worry about them so much. God bless you and your mom. I am glad she was found alive. Just keep saying I love you mom!
Thank you so so much for this ❤️
Was worried about you all week!! Prayers for you & your family.
Thank you so much!
42 years recovery, alanon and naranon, is the wonderful recovery program for the families of addicts.
The focus is not the addict, when you focus on yourself and your life and practice the 12 steps it's easier to love the addict. Remember the three C's you didn't cause it you can't control it you can't cure it,,,,
I feel for you, Jamie. I know it must take a lot to still love your mom. Addiction is such a cruel disease.😢
thank you ❤️
Thank God your mother was found! I was worried for you throughout these few days. You are like framily to thousands of people one being me from the very beginning. I have learned that you cannot make or change anyone unless they want it themselves. It is exhausting and effects your life so much. I deal with my son having issues. I had to let go or I was going to lose it in my own life. So hard. But mentally I knew I had to move on. ❤️. Keep being you.
I love you more than you love you is a true statement. A friend told me- how can you expect your son’s dad to love your son when he doesn’t even love himself? In that moment, I learned GRACE!!
Yes ! This ❤❤❤
Keep praying for her!! Jesus is the answer!! I myself have 31 years clean and sober and my Husband 29 years. Jesus saved us and there by the Grace of God go I so I understand. I had to leave my Husband who was my boyfriend and the time and break up with him and give him to the Lord so He could work in his life. And He did!!!
I can listen to you all day long! You have an awesome family!
Thanks Jamie, you put my feelings into words. my 39 year old son is an addict and has been in and out of rehab and jail for the past 15 years. It takes a toll on everyone, especially him. I do love him with all my heart, but I have to separate myself from him because he will be doing so well and making me so hopeful and then will relapse and disappear.
Congrats on the house!!🎉👏🏻👏🏻👍🏻 Thanks for sharing! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
My Dad is a recovering alcoholic he has been in AA for 20 years I was 35 when it happened. I have had many of the same situations and sadly you are right about them being great people doing anything for almost anyone. Addictions make it where it is almost as if they have no choice because they have to find the will power to want better for themselves only. It does feel as if they are choosing their drugs, drinks whatever over you their child and it hurts and at the same time can bring you to your knees. That said I pray you can keep your boundaries for you and your family, love your mother and let her know you will be there but also find a way to know that yes she’s your mother and you love her and want her safe always but they know the risk every time they use. You need to try to find a way to detach from the crippling worry and I know this sounds cruel and hard but worry, make phone calls however as you said nothing will change the outcome. I’m so sorry you and your family went through this and your Mom is safe and ok. Love her always but try to ease your feelings of responsibility she’s the adult and you being worried sick isn’t going to change her decision. Love light and prayers for healing for all. Even after 20 years sober we still struggle with a healthy relationship because there is so much he missed out on like my child’s life, the intimate details of my life and it’s hard for both of us trying to bridge between the hurt and pain and we both want it. I love him and am so grateful he’s sober.
you’ve got it right! love & boundaries are the best way to help an addict. i understand what you mean about gaining their trust and not involving police. my children’s father has been a severe addict for over 10 years. and i lost my beloved sister in law to a drug overdose. only 21 years old. i had to watch her deteriorate for years. the most beautiful girl full of so much potential. i tried to help her, love her, be honest with her.. literally did my best and she still lost her life. our family is devastated. severe addiction is an actual nightmare. it’s a destructive debilitating illness. i am just so glad i loved my sister in law and held her as close as i could whilst she was using. i would feel so much regret staying angry and distant with her before she passed.
oh my goodness sending you so many hugs ❤️
I lost my sister and she was a nurse. AN R.N. My adult son, 31, sober, but I've been through hell for 15 years. Praying for you and your mom. I am also in recovery. Addiction affects everyone in some way. I have seperated from all family now. It's like I lost them all. I take the brunt, oldest of 5. 😢
Im so glad she is safe. It must be so hard for all of you. I hope mom will get and accept the help she needs some day. Im also happy you found a home. Please keep us posted....we wanna see when you move! Xx
it definitely is, but I'm also trying to think positively right now...but man it's hard!
Prayers, ❤
hope you can shake off that
anxiety
that comes with scary adrenaline charged moments
You're so well spoken!
I’m so very sorry. Addiction affects everyone in the family. Prayers coming
Sending you so much love, strength & prayers ❤️🥰 But please don't feel like you have to apologize for how you have been throughout your life against your mom and all that. You have NOTHING to apologize for. Hope God is protecting you and your beautiful family 😘
thank you for this ❤️❤️❤️
I really needed to hear this I grew up with a father who was an alcoholic and I am learning now how to love him
Thank goodness she was found. I hope she can find the strength to help herself. 💕
jamie, I don't know if you remember me from school but I wanted to say something to you I love following you on social media because I can relate to so much and it's nice to hear it from somebody who went to the same school and grew up in the same neighborhood i know your mom and everything you said is so right she is the nicest lady an i know how hard addiction is from both points of view❤ i live it daily ....luckily i have a little bit of sobriety under me but it's still a struggle my hubby is in rehab as right now and it's been super rough on me to try to hold everything down well he is gone again.....but your story touched my heart tonight an i wish my family could understand that it's not the person it's the addiction........😢😢and on another note i m so happy you found your happiness !!!! congratulations on the house your kids are absolutely beautiful
Thank you Jamie I'm in recovery you said a lot of the truth with people in addiction Thank Thank you for your understanding 🙏
Uuuugh. I’m glad the ending was good…. As it could be. Thoughts and prayers to y’all!! (I have several addicts in my immediate family… I feel this)
I totally get!! Thanks for sharing.
I hope and pray that everything will be fine for you and your family 🇿🇦🙏🙏👍👍🇿🇦🇿🇦🇿🇦💖God 🙏 blessed you and your family 🇿🇦🙏🙏🙏 and I pray that your mom will be fine be blessed it's ok those are obstacle in our lives be strong gal,🙏🙏🙏🙏💜💜❤️🎀🇿🇦🇿🇦
I'm sorry for your pain 😔
I feel so bad for you and YES I had my brother who was an addicted. he was out of control and od twice and the dr said next time you are going out in a body bag. sooo I know the missing, the out of it, and the rage. scary. but he is clean, retired from the army so rehabilitation has to be what they want to work.
Congratulations 👏🙏🏼
You’re a Saint! I just don’t know how to do it. My dad has been doing drugs for the past almost 50 years. My parents were married for 18 yrs and he physically and mentally abused my mom everyday. It’s definitely hard now that that trauma from my past is coming to light now that I’m older and get flashbacks. He never calls me or my sisters unless he wants something. He’s been to jail. I’ve offered to have him live with me and offered help but he doesn’t want it. He doesn’t even ask about his grandkids. I finally had to distance myself. I have talked to him in a year. It’s sad. I don’t know how you do it but my dad is a narcissist and if even you try to help he’ll yell at you and say we’re wrong and he lies and says he doesn’t do drugs but clearly he is. I wish I could be more like you and forgive but my dad is not that nice. Bless you! And I’m glad your mom is ok! 🙏🏻❤️
Sorry Jamie, my uncle is an alcoholic and my mom also had times when he disappeared and she had to go looking for him. It can be really scary
Going through the same thing with my dad. He’s been an alcoholic for 25 years. Haven’t heard from him in weeks.
I'm so sorry!
I pray everything will turn out okey🙏
Yes Jamie. I've been going through this for years.
I am so sad you're going through this..😔 I can't really relate at all, but I can imagine. My mom is the ultimate mama, but my little sister lost her 3 little sons due to addiction. She's not allowed contact and I watched her choose drugs over her sons over and over again, even during all 3 pregnancies😳 I agree, *never* call the cops.
Jamie, you are doing an amazing job.
Thank you so much!
I couldn’t relate to all of this more. Everything you said about your mother I have went through with my own… unfortunately one of her disappearance episodes turned fatal and was the worst outcome. I feel for you ❤
oh my gosh I'm so sorry!!! ❤️
@@jamieotisanddoughehner thank you 🙏🏼
I love your mom
Better to call the cops on them if the situation calls for it or offer rehab or help and save their lives if possible even if they are mad at you than to just let them get high and do their thing and die and think that you could have done something 😢. When they’re sober, they’ll understand why you did what you did. Because you love them and don’t want to enable them.
No, it’s not better and she clearly explained why.
@@dearleah7299 I wrote of the situation calls for it. As in if there are kids involved and the kids are seeing things they shouldn’t be seeing
@@cristinao.4817 it’s not your relationship to decide for. Your opinion her relationship with her mother is irrelevant.
That’s fine! A lot of people share their opinions. I’ve been in situations and know situations where enabling the addict ends up killing them and I would never want that for her! It’s a sad situation and praying God directs her path
@@cristinao.4817 save the opinion and advice for actual professionals.
Hugs my friend, PS you don’t owe her Jack squat you don’t have to back up the fact that she’s using drugs or accept it. Has she ever been in drug rehab? She had five kids, but she did not take care of you, you didn’t ask to be born, you didn’t even know your father you have come so far you have taken a different path that you are to be commended. You are not your mother you are not your father let her get clean don’t make excuses for her or her behavior. And you can still love her but you don’t have to accept her bad behavior let it go let her go move forward my love. Hugs.
God bless you ❤
This is totally off topic, but I've never noticed your and Doug's eyes! They look like they're exactly the same color, are they? I understand having an addict as a family member. My mom's little brother died of alcohol poisoning and my dad's little brother died of cancer but Dr's said if he hadn't been a raging addict since he was a teen it wouldn't have killed him. They said after everything he'd put his body through it wasn't strong enough to withstand the treatments and fight the cancer. I hope everything works out. Sending love. 💜🖤💜
She hit the wall hard
So sorry
😢🙏🏼♥️🙏🏼♥️🙏🏼♥️🙏🏼♥️🙏🏼♥️🙏🏼
I’m sorry that happened but unfortunately the police would have been the better option. It’s called tough love. Go to any rehab or family support group and they will tell you tough love. Do not be an enabler. It is an illness until they are ready for help you can’t do anything about it. I lived with an addict from the time I was 12 years old and I am now 61. You have to learn to accept them and if they are sober and with the family it’s a good day. Don’t question it or offer advice because are the best smooth talkers on the planet and know tomorrow may be different. I know it’s hard and they know we love them and they love us but they are sick and it won’t stop until they are ready for it to stop 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
It’s actually not your place to tell her how to deal with HER situation with HER mother.
She clearly explained why she didn’t call and she’s right. It’s her situation not yours.
I know how you feel.
You actually don’t know how someone feels unless you’re in their exact situation.
We learned The Hard Way that we have to LOVE them enough to NOT allow them to MANIPULATE us by using "Attention Seeking Behavior."
Please let her know that you LOVE Her FOREVER...don't LET her DRAIN you...
then go ahead and FOCUS On Being A HEALTHY Mom to your Babies🎯🎯
#LORD,HelpUsToNOTenableTheAddict🙏
#LORD,UsToCutAWAYfromCODEPENDENCY 🙏
#LORD,HelpMomToWANTtoBeSOBERforLIFE🙏
*They Need To WANT A WHOLE HEALTHY L I F E More Than Anything*
🤍it happened to me...She Can BE F R E E🤍
I’m sorry. She did choose drugs over y’all, she’s very selfish. That is a toxic relationship that clearly continues to haunt you.
Her life is not your responsibility, that is not your burden.
Your family is your number 1.
You can pray for her, but keep your distance. It’ll only help you and your children to have that distance. Do you want them to feel anything close to what you’re feeling?
I’ve cut out entire families of mine that I was so close to and grew up with.. but however nice they are, still doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic.
It doesn’t matter WHY, it just matters that they’re doing what they’re doing. It’s not anyone’s fault but their own.
Once I got married I cut them out, and focused on my family.
It’s biblical to leave, and cleave to your husband and/or wife. Move on.
I hope you can someday, with peace in your heart. You can still love her deeply, but decide to remove her. I’m so blessed that I chose to do what I did. My life is lighter, even if I still have dreams of them when they were young and cry because I miss them. But I will not allow that darkness into my life anymore, and especially into my family.
P.S. - I’m truly not trying to hurt you, I just feel very strongly about this subject and wanted to tell you that you were never wrong for feeling those feelings and thinking the things you did. You were right, and it’s still ok to love her. Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to accept a little bit of their choices, some of their choices, or all of their choices. You can just love them, but not be in their lives. (And I did watch the entire video, I just had to skip back to finish my comment). ❤
I can’t hear what your saying with the dog constantly barking.
You’re being a little dramatic and whiny. You can hear them just fine.
💜You Are NOT really "judging" h e r. You are using GOOD SOUND Judgement in Hoping she would STOP poisoning her LIFE...
and that INSTEAD she would CHOOSE to G E T WELL and have HEALTHY Habits and Healthy relationships for true happiness💜
❔Would we "LOVINGLY" say to our children: "you can put arsenic in your food if you want, because I will not judge you..."
This is a matter of LIFE And DEATH- and we LOVE Them So Much
and we CANNOT let them think that we are putting our stamp of a p p r o v a l
on DEADLY choices...
We don't Approve or Condone, or Endorse...
BUT we absolutely ACCEPT that each person has a right to make their own CHOICES💝
#LOVEthemToLIFE🎁
Sending all my love and prayers to you and your mom.