I disagree. If you have emotional/attachment issues, you might hurt even if the other person didn't do anything that justifies that. That's a good way to never aknowledge or change your own attachment issues. (I have these myself)
An Avoidant person is more likely to come back compared to an Anxious person. Avoidant people struggle to find a new person because they don't change and mentally strong people move on when they see the signs of the Avoidant. They usually have no choice but to go back an Anxious ex. The Anxious person stays longer and tries everything, but when they finally had enough they'll find someone who gives them the attention they've wanted. And they would not want to give up the new love to go back with an Avoidant ex.
I suspect that im an avoidant so that means that my ex would probably be the more anxious one. If your statement is true, then there's probably no hope of her to come back 😭
Married to a DA. I'm anxious but working on being Secured. Separated for 2yrs but he came back once n stayed for 8 months then ghosted me . I found out he's in a rebound relationship. Just working on my self now n have been in no contact for 1 month. I'm fine being alone n I'm not giving up on him . Blessings to all us Warriors 🙏
My ex came back. Like you said, they are avoidant but are also in desperate need of affection and validation. If your ex dumps you, do no contact( nicely), work on yourself, go to the gym, get in shape, hang with friends, and you will be fine. In a few months you will feel better and will get ready to date. Just when you feel better they usually come back. BUT if they don't, MOVE ON and find another person to date.
Vlad Radunyius ... first time 28yrs! Then on reconnection with the same girl and after one year partnership and being dumped... 9 months. Now back in email contact. I’ve got less anxious/ more secure, she is still avoidant but obviously trying to address it. She knows the Attachment Psychology- I told her in detail- it went down like a lead balloon but wha’do I care!
@@jgpsp5 simply they wont change, they think they are better than the others. 4 months in NC and i am slowly letting go... Tnx John, stay strong and happy New year! :)
Vlad Radunyius ... yes you are right to let go and heal, which will probably take months. After that you’ll be strong enough to decide which you’d be best to go with. The ‘changed renewed’ Ex who wants you back or someone with no baggage who just wants you! Good luck.
I am slightly avoidant. I dated people with high level of avoidance and, despite the fact that I understood their struggle (because I am avoidant myself), I found them to be a waste of time. If you are mildly avoidant or secure or anxious, you break up usually for valid reasons. Highly avoidant people break up just because they don't want to be known / close. Yes they do come back as they thrive on distance and after a breakup there is plenty of distance. However as soon as they feel the closeness is too much they leave again, and again. Rollercoaster waste of time. Now I learned if someone leaves once, because of their own avoidance and without major mistakes on my part, they are not dating material. They can go waste someone else's time!
I tend to agree with you there! The moment my ex felt threatened or not happy within (for whatever reason), he'd trigger a breakup; not, let's talk about it to find a solution. And me being anxious, would chase and beg and plead - NOT NOW! Now that I know what Attachment Styles are (had NEVER heard of them before); I clearly see the bigger picture, and this time, I'm taking NC to the next level (for my own healing). He never had to take responsibility or 'feel' the consequences of his actions, as I would just appear to smooth over calm waters.
@@meekainc Yes, mature conversations are nowhere to be found with avoidants. They are cowards at the core because they run away instead of facing difficult conversations / feelings and taking adult responsibilities. I agree with total, permanent NC also because (esp. for anxious people) the highs and lows and the pining of such rollercoaster relationships trigger the dopamine circuits the same way substance addictions do. So if you get a taste of that reward even just once, you restart the addiction process and the cravings again.
Rossana Motta ... so right in every way! My complete empathy. They also project their feelings onto you and blame you for things they have done. They will never say sorry. A most insanely addictive waste of time and emotion.
It's frustrating and a waste of time to be waiting on someone for days, weeks and months when will they come around... When you could just talk about your issues find a common ground and have fun... Avoidants are so difficult to love...I've worked on myself to become secure but darn he's actions are putting me back to anxious state. People with anxious attachment are liquids they mold and shape according to their partner just to avoid getting high levels of anxiety. While the avoidants are like a rock... The more we wrapped them with love and affection the harder they become...
💯true! That's why I left my DA after 🙄6 years.. It's exhausting and honestly not worth it!!!!!! I became secure from anxious overtime because I worked on myself! 🤗🤗 But boy does his avoidant ways triggered me🙄 Wtf are you in a relationship for when your feelings are not taken in consideration for and there is no communication because someone is an avoidant and dsnt want to work on himself!! Plzz 🏃💨RUN!! AVOIDANTS ARE A MUCK & THEY NEVER CHANGE!!
Rariix facts. So the more I started to work and educate myself, I realize that I’m not as anxious as I thought, I am for sure anxious but I definitely carry secure traits but being with an avoidant triggers you in ways that can make you be more of the insecure type unfortunately.
Just a solid grey rock with no feeling inside of them … lmao you’d think if you go deep enough maybe there’d miraculously be some water from the rock to quench your emotional thirst.. but the deeper you go, the thirstier you get… lol nothing but a dry grey emotionless lump that hurts when thrown at peoples way.
Very true! I dated one Who has never told positive affirmations as a little girl. Only pointed out what she did wrong. It is so sad because now they have to deal with all of that baggage emotionally to ever have a healthy relationship. It doesn’t sound like the majority of them want to though. If you are a patient partner you may be able to help One heal over time but it does take patience and lots of understanding.
I’m going to give some an encouragement. I have an avoidant attachment style and my girlfriend is anxious. I know it seems like the worst combination but trust me through patiences and understanding it can work. Recognizing my attachment style, I sat my girlfriend down and explained that if I seem distant and indifferent please understand that it is not you. I love where we are in our relationship and it’s not fair for you to be on the rollercoaster because of my childhood trauma. She has been extremely patient and when things don’t go here way she gives me time to process and I come back in an effective way. The key is for the avoidant to communicate and for the anxious to be patient. Anxious must be confident enough in themselves to not need validation all the time and avoidant needs to communicate. Truth is as an avoidant we crave the closeness but we want to control it. So please be patient with us!
Marvin Soberanis The problem is you are an exception. Avoidant people don’t have “the talk” and don’t want to compromise and communicate. My ex was an avoidant and he broke up with me via text. I will never date an avoidant again, you people should either be on your own or date other avoidants.
Yes Usually avoidants don't "communicate" but act out by "avoiding" and detaching. Marvin I wonder how you started to be aware of your own patterns and work on yourself?
Sarah M I know it’s very frustrating and most of the time when you finally push us away we come back. But then it’s too late. Everyone has attachment styles and I feel it’s not fair to judge people by their childhood dramas because we had no control over that. But, I recommend therapy like I did. I got out of a 10 year relationship which made me really understand who I am. My next relationship I wanted growth on part. It helps having a partner who will listen to me even if I think it’s stupid or me just overthinking. She made it comfortable for me to communicate. But the willingness came from therapy. I just want you guys to know that it can work. But you cannot fix a person who is not willing and everyone can grow unless you fall in the “Stable” attachment style you too can grow!
Marvin Soberanis, thank you for sharing this and encouraging us. I understand a breakup was a catalyst for you to start self investigation and therapy. Was your main fear in relationship to become smothered and lose your identity? What do you tend to overthink about? The man I have connected with, explained he struggled to be himself in relationship and when we had an argument, his response was to pull away and stop communicating. I let him go (even if I am anxiously attached) and then he came back but he is now hot and cold. I wonder if that is his avoidance and own contradictions, or a mind game he consciously does to make me chase?
Sarah M yes. One of the things, I’ve expressed to my girlfriend and you all should be aware that it takes a lot of energy for an avoidant to be expressive and communicate. Now, to anxious and others this may not seem like much because your use to doing it. That’s why I say, patiences and understanding. The overthinking was not being able to be myself most of the times because unconsciously when we do express and try it’s as if it wasn’t enough for anxious because your so use to doing it. My recommendation are time, space, and understanding. Like I said, it’s not that we do not want love, affection, it’s that we want to control it. But we need to heal and learn to love the right way by communicating. Still a challenge even for me. My girl says, I love you all the time and for me it’s weird to say it back all the time. But this is what’s a challenge for us. Hope this helps!
Exactly what I was having to do and no fck that he doesn't like you if it's like that , this girl I was with same way she just wanted me for money and she thought I looked good she didn't really like me for me , probably something similar going on with this guy your with I'm sorry it's that way for you foreal
Gemma Janes Brookes, yes!! When we will be fully healed, we will be turned off by them. We don't have to deal with that and tiptoe around them. Having a partner should not be that one-sided.
Cut all ties with your ex and their friends/family... the only way to re-establish communication is to finally move on with your life, keeps busy when you’re feeling upto it. Take care of yourself, and just remember, if you have to continually improve yourself for someone who won’t improve for you, you are chasing the wrong one. I promise you, your partner whom you know painfully call your ex, isn’t always the one, take the months apart to find yourself also.
What if I spent the first 3 months messaging them trying to get them to come back? And talked with his friends and family? Is there still hope? We were together 5 years. He ignored me the whole time.
@@thejuan113 same here. I've been in no contact for 3 days now. 1 month after break up. She reached out twice. I reached out 2 times after her. Did a grand gesture.After my last reach out,it didn't end well. Made me look weak. I have now deleted my fb,her numbers,and archived all her friends and family. I've gone in to the dark.
@@Michelle-xq1nv Go no contact immediately. And stay no contact 100%. Trust me,I've screwed up and broke no contact on day 17 to the point that my ex blocked me on social media. That was 5 days ago. I'm back in no contact day 3. One month after break up. Trying to center myself again and regain my dignity.
@ Ben Junior Hang in there man. Just focus on yourself. Its the only thing you can control. Ive been in NC for about 3 weeks now. I still miss her but it gets easier. Remember you gotta take care of yourself. If you don’t love yourself first its hard to give the type of love our partners deserve. Feel free to reach out if you need to talk and best of luck to you!
In my experience they do come back but likely run hot and cold for a period of time (sometimes an extended period) before leaving permanently. I am sure it can work out in the end for some people, but are these people really good bets for a loving and consistent relationship? Not in my experience. Sad.
Despite claiming that I (AA) was “perfect” and “the most loving partner he had ever dated,” my avoidant ex opted to leave. At one month post breakup, I am healing and growing into a more secure person. That said, I don’t worry whether or not he returns. When ready, I will start dating again. This time, with a more secure partner. ♥️ 🌟
Reading up on attachment theory and watching these videos has been so enlightening! I’m pretty sure my ex is avoidant, and honestly it gives me some closure to know that we hurt each other not because we didn’t care or love each other, but more because we didn’t understand ourselves or each other (and our attachment styles) well.
You’re all our best friends Craig! You’re the best thing I’ve found on RUclips! My avoidant ex came “back” but in the most self protective way possible. He’s just not willing to stick is neck out and show true emotion or vulnerability and I’m not willing to spend the time digging it out of him.
@@denisejaydub that is there True nature :) we have been good always, but on the border with emotions, closed, acting like she cant open enough :) we will see what future brings
Every time I come back and re-watch any of these videos, something new resonates with me. For months, Craig, Margaret, and Victoria were the only things that got me through the day. I couldn't eat, sleep, and was constantly sick because of my anxiety. I'm anxious and my husband of 2 years who is avoidant had an affair with someone local, and another affair with a different person who lived out of state who he got to move here to be with him. I was completely devastated and have been in NC since October. He's starting to reach out now but I am in a completely different place and am looking forward to my future rather than hoping for him. It takes time, but either they'll come back or you'll be in a better place and not even wanting them back. ❤️ Loving yourself and putting you first is always a win.
@@ps1731-qs1uh in all honesty, he probably will at some point. I can tell you, from my experience it does get better. Not long ago was I waking up every single morning throwing up, sick, and not eating for days on end. Now, I'm really excited for the future and opportunities ahead. I don't remember the last time when all I had to worry about was myself. And that feels amazing. There is so much love in this world, this is not your last. Love yourself, the rest will follow. Be patient. Right now is so hard, taking so much energy just to survive. You'll get there, believe in yourself, you're stronger than you think. 💕💕💕
Hi! @@Troy12-fitnessmodel Things are going really well for me now. It's been months since I've heard anything from my ex and I'm totally okay with that. I'm in a great spot mentally, have my own hobbies, friends, and interests that I have been rediscovering. It took awhile but finding myself again and having love and compassion for myself completely changed my outlook on that relationship and has helped immensely moving forward. There was a time when I thought things would never get better, and now, I could never go back to what was. Hang in there. ❤️
You guys are great. It's been about 6 months since my ex left me. I wanted her back for a long time but as I get better on my own I'm not sure if I want her back. I've grown a lot and I'm really happy. If she did come back I would be a better partner for her I'm sure. I think she is avoidant and I wish I knew this before I dated her. I've listened to a lot of your videos and I want to thank you for all you do.
To all the hopeless romantics waiting for a comeback over here, let me tell you this; “Your DA ex will comeback to you, and to all of his/her exes as well” is because they had something and they know it’s easier to recover the next victim than starting all over again and waste energy. Open your eyes darlings.
its been my experience that they do not. not to invalidate what youre saying, but, from my perspective they never come back nor do they ever say that they are sorry for hurting you
Yes, they come back...and then leave again...and then come back...and then leave again. That’s the hallmark of an Avoidant. I went through 4 breakups over 8 years with an Avoidant. I don’t recommend it, as it will be a constant rollercoaster until you put a stop to it.
@@lili63js51 Only after I had completely moved on because after so much improvement I realized I can do so much better. I am dating a wonderful woman now.
Well my ex is aviodant(she is 28y) and my colleague also, 3,5 months i am in NC, but she is getting colder and colder. She dumped me from blue.. I am much happier but still cant belive her actions
@@vladradunyius5032 I know exactly how it is. They can drop people and never look back it's scary. You'll find someone that will want to be with you good luck.
They love to come back to keep tabs then unload a lot of hurtful words to create more space. If you can't be yourself then they're a waste of your time. They consider everything "hurtful" to the point you have to censor your conversations carefully. It's not worth the stress.
@@Andromeda_M31 Agree, u are always watching what to say to them and they just dont give a damn about you. Cold, insecure and always looking others as second rated persons
I am an avoidant, and I wish I could come back. Ive made many of the mistakes discussed in the videos and workbooks. I still have a long way to go, but i wanted to share that avoidants do want to come back. Its painful to accept our feelings and mistakes, and often its easier to shut down, and push everyone away. I encourage everyone to do the workbooks. I wish there was a forum where we could further discuss workbooks and our experiences further. Thanks Craig, Margaret and all the people supporting their work.
@@rouslan85 I'm glad you come to realize that because it's usually almost impossible for avoidants to do such analyses , i wish you all the best and don't lose hope exes are loaded with surprises
Lol. "I never stopped thinking about you" ...for 3 weeks. Meanwhile I'm going on 5 months no contact and not a word. No surprise though....he is SUPER avoidant.
My ex DA came back after 3 months. He changed for a good while. Everything was great, just like it was in the beginning, better even. But he slowly went back to the same coldness. Leaving my clueless as to what was going on. So I became anxious because he was lying to me & amongst other issues. I voiced my concerns many times w/o arguing & really tried to understand him. He did open up and then said he wanted to work on things but it kept going on & on. So I gave up when I realized he never was going to change. I wasted 2.5 years and not gonna waste anymore. If they are not willing to work on themselves it’s pointless. I would have done anything for him but I couldn’t do it by myself. So I’m done for good. Blocked him on everything & wished him the best.
Just because your anxiety gets triggered with someone who is avoidant style doesn’t mean you’re anxious right? I feel that even a secure person would be triggered by the notion of separation. Or is that just an anxious style? I wouldn’t understand how someone who is supposedly secure not get triggered. Doesn’t that suggest they’re emotionally ambivalent?
YES! I’m totally secure and I was in a relationship with an avoidant. It is crazy making and MADE me anxious because it always felt like I was walking on eggshells. I never knew when he would pull away, or how close I could get, or how to say certain things without pushing him away. Tbh, it was exhausting.
I've observed they stonewall to get attention from a distance in a passive aggressive way (sometimes it starts from fear, sometimes it starts as punishment). In a sense they do no contact for control, so once they realize you aren't pining over them, they reach out to keep tabs on you, not to get back together. Secure (even anxious) people would assume reaching out is a reconciliation, but for the avoidant it's them prodding for validation on their terms to make sure you're still under their control, they need an ego boost, they need something, but it isn't a relationship that you hoped for.
The Home of Self-Love Not true. I’m diagnosed with NPD and I have anxious attachment style. Don’t assume that every narcissist is some avoidant abuser . We get attached too! My entire identity was shattered by an avoidant
Exactly. Mine showed up regulary after a breakup and I mistook this for an offer... Basically she just wanted to hang around me before she moved 1000 km away a few days later. 😒 She returned from there a few months later and I took her back. But the relationship still never got off the ground. Everytime we got a little closer and I started to enjoy this, she pulled away again. She always put in the labels in this situationship, I've been a lover, a spouse, a friend, a room mate, a neighbor in my own apartment. Now she is in the process of moving out in her own apartment. She told me she chose an apartment real close so that she could stay in touch with my dog. 🤔 She was sad when I said No to this plan.
Sure they come back. The real question is, why would you want them back? This person cannot love you the way you deserve. I'm not being judgmental... I've been in two "relationships" with avoidants. It hurts. If they come back, they just run away again. Don't let them come back.
they do! i have been ghosted for 10 months, he returned. it just doesn't work out since they normally don't work on themselves. And if they see that you have changed, they will leave even quicker again.
Nike H I feel that they can’t handle your changes and when they feel your strong sense of “self”, they may run because subconsciously they could feel they can’t control you in a certain way or you may wake up one day and leave them if they don’t meet your needs now. I feel like with avoidants it’s “hurt or be hurt”
@@Knel89 totally true. DAs are only in for that limbo with the anxious-preoccupied. If you take that away from them, there are no triggers left to cling to. I am right now experiencing this. My DA gets no drama, fight, no chasing, nothing. He is pulling back and chasing other women. 😁
@@nvh682 so you want to tell me that dismissive-avoidants actually seek drama and have a thing for anxious guys? Wow, this would explain a lot of what had happened between me (anxious) and my ex (dismissive-avoidant). She constantly found some shit to throw at me, while I was just seeking for harmony between us. It was sick.
I agree. I started doing Craig's work this week (the DA I was dating ghosted me for a week after we spent the most beautiful, passionate, fun evening together). He tried to call me on the 7th night of ghosting, but I didn't answer (it was a Friday night and I needed time to collect my thoughts). I sent him a very pleasant, but neutral voice text the next morning. A few hours later he called me and within a minute into the conversation he suddenly said he needed to take another call, would call right back, etc. I feel my NC non-anxious persona triggered him. I gave him nothing to soothe his ego. Just happiness and neutrality. I am feeling *so* much better in my own skin now and whether he is in my life or not it doesn't matter anymore. 🙏 I have worked on myself for years to become secure, but his behavior brought out every abandoned, anxious childhood wound in me. At least I can now understand the "why" behind it all.
Reassurance over n over again doesn't make a difference for the avoidant. It is up to them to learn to trust and love. It's not for us to try to convince them or give promises. It's an inner knowing and trust not an outer suggestion
Avoidant is tough. Yes they do often come hence the rollercoaster ride for many. Very difficult to navigate. Folks there does come a time to look after and out for yourself. And might mean walking away yourself to meet the person who loves you just as much as you love them. XO
Sean McGarry You know what I find quite disturbing?. The fact that people think that they know what love is. Love isn’t breaking up with the person who’s been by your side through the storms and rains just because they won’t allow you to go out and have alone time with the opposite sex. Everyone looks for love. But no one wants to be loyal to their partner. “Oh he’s just a friend”,”Oh she’s just a friend“. They’re “Just friends” until you find out they fucking. So with your honest opinion. What in the hell is love?. Nowadays love is just a word that’s being passed around with no true meaning. So you think just because by you walking away from that person to go find another person who can “Love” you won’t cheat on you with their past relationship people?. Do you honestly believe that those people go away?. Do you honestly believe that they’ll drop everything for you?. 😂 Come on now. This is the 20 first century. “Love” Is dead. Wake up.
M.S.C ISLAND I kind of agree with your premise, although for different reasons. I definitely feel that my avoidant ex had a very different definition in mind when she told me that she loved me. She meant, “I love you right now.” That’s not quite what I meant when I said it.
@@jenettegrubb9397 Great, i am looking for same peace of mind, but i am aware of my attach style, fearful avoidant, which became anxious in rltshp. But working, correct in and becaming more aware od my mistakes. Tnx, work on yourself be happy and satisfied :)
@@peachblossom.phlox3403 mine was the same, though I think he couldve veered on fearful avoidant as he would actually open up and be vulnerable with me but it took a LOT for us to get there and once the conversation was over it was like it never happened and hed never shared those things with me! Is that typical DA or more FA? Also was there any update did he come back? I was very anxious too but tried really hard to give him space, time and support that he needed but sometimes I just got upset and couldn't control it. I want him to come back so we can work better together as I really felt we got on well and that he opened up so beautifully to me at certain points and I knew he was sharing things hed never told anyone else.
It’s a wild ride. I’ll be thinking I’m past it, I’m good & out of the blue I’ll miss him so much & just want to talk but realize I cannot because in no contact. It’s just so many ups & downs. Thanks for being here!
@Heather Russell. Yes it is an emotional roller coaster. Strap in if you have attached deeply because it will test your soul. The hardest part is feeling like you are bleeding and they have no clue or empathy for the pain you are in. If they are in pain you don’t know it because you are in no contact and staying the course. So you just have to believe and hope that through the natural course of time and what an ex goes through that that will be sufficient for them to wake up and hopefully realize what they lost. If you are anxiously attached and go through the anger phase there’s a good chance you may detach at this point and move on. I once dated a very dismissive person and at the time I did not understand about attachment styles. Thankfully I did not attach to her. After about a year of lameness I pulled the plug. I had some words to say at the end as I was not happy about my experience. Looking back I would’ve tempered that and handled it differently. However the point is because of it I thought for sure I would never hear from this person again. Over the course of the year this person contacted me at least four times. At this point I had no interest because I knew there was no change on their part and I wasn’t going to get suckered back in.. now I am in a break up where I actually really miss the person very much and the hardest part is shutting your brain off with all the what if‘s and if I would’ve just handled this or that differently things may be different. It’s exhausting and you really have to be kind to yourself. At the end of the day if they don’t value what they let go and they’re not willing to fight for it no matter how much you think you like them are they really worth having them? you need somebody in the ring with you willing to work through any small issues or even hurts. That is what brings two people together closely working through conflict not just smooth sailing. Dismissive avoidant people can be hard to work with because they really have a hard time asking themselves the hard questions or taking criticism spoken in kindness well. Just depends how dismissive avoidant they are.
Mine ghosted me, I did not chase and stayed no contact.. expecting never to hear from them again. Six weeks later, they climbed my gate and appeared unexpectedly at my front door and tried to proceed like nothing had happened. Still unwilling to talk about anything. A week later, I received a msg saying the person was not ready and just wanted "relaxed contact". I have wished them well and returned to compete no contact. Nobody will ever hurt you like a narcissist or an avoidant. I am ready to heal now and it hurts more after being 'rejected' a second time.
Avoidant exes come back about once every 3 months, no matter how bad it ended, time is like a reset with them. My ex recently contacted me (again and always over text). When it didn't go how he wanted (I ignored him and kept dating someone else) he shamed me for the first time I said I loved him and called me clingy. I guess he was looking for a reaction but instead I realized he's a horrible human being. Shaming someone for saying I love you for the first time is one sure way they will never say it to you again!
@@Andromeda_M31 i dont know if i am to laugh or be pissed off or to cry, but perfectly well said.. The same pattern from all the people from youtube and their stories, and your it is the same :)
@@cycolburn99 that's one thing, but when they're completely rude whether they love you or not, that's on another level of cruel. And they wonder why they have so many problems with people "letting them down" when they say and do rude things to create space to cause an undesirable response. They think everyone is a personal punching bag but no one is supposed to hit back. They need to grow up or don't date.
Hi Coach! Thanks for putting this vid together. I’ve been requesting it for weeks. It was informative. Nice to know Avoidants aren’t robots & actually have some level of compassion & emotion. Mine started out the entire 1st year very loving, caring & passionate. Then after she had to share custody of her 2 girls, things went south & the avoidant came out. Challenging to deal with for sure!
My husband left the house and filed for divorce. I’m in the angry stage. I love him but I also hate him right now. Idunno if I’ll take him back when he comes back. He’s also an avoidant.
Even if they come back or not a relationship is constant work !!! I feel happiest when I’m single..it’s constant work.. now I understand why some ppl don’t want one..
Stephanie Mendez I completely agree with you. It’s just a lot of work to consider another person’s feelings, as well as ensuring you’re also healthy and happy.
Both people need to put in effort, I agree. These days it seems you get so many people who just want to kick back and be spoiled by another person (because the world owes them) and if it doesn't happen, you're disposed of in the most despicable and cruel way possible. It gets lonely being single but it's devastating to be taken advantage of after letting your walls down, it can cause lifetime trauma if it's bad enough.
🤣 find romantic ones, they are super willing to have a serious one in fairytale mode. Nowadays most people just start relationships as for jokes! Not as back in past when these things were taken more seriously!
My DA always came back. This last time I recovered from being an AP and I told him he was a DA and should work on himself. I haven't heard from him since... Thankfully I'm secure now and it doesn't hurt nearly as much.
My avoidant ex sent me an email after 3 months of no contact, all it said was "Thank you. That's all I really wanted to say was thank you." I was surprised because he never reaches out. Haven't heard anything since. He's too stubborn to do anything.
give the avoidant a lesson for life, avoid them till they have to go to a psychiatrist because of depression , they have to improve , grow, change and cope with their own shit, if they can't, live your life , they don't want to be happy , that's not your problem anymore.
I am having a hard time not pitying the avoidant and wanting to show him that steady and consistent love and care exist, but I then ask myself if he is worthy of that. WIll he deserve my efforts to "heal" his childhood wounds? Sometimes, however, I ask myself whether we are giving them too much benefit of a doubt.
I am an avoidant, and so is my ex: who broke up with me primarily because I was too avoidant for even his avoidant ass! Every relationship I’ve had has ended for the same reason. As Margaret said, we have the same biological need for connection as everyone else. I’ve been in NC for a month and still think about him every day, and I’ve been in therapy since the break up working on my intimacy issues specifically so that if he does give me another chance I can do a better job next time, or if he doesn’t I won’t make the same mistake in my next relationship. I also am only attracted to other avoidant people, and every ex I’ve had has gotten back in touch at some point after NC. All y’all watching this and wondering if it’s real: it’s absolutely real.
Thank God! I had to make my d.a block me so I can't hit her up cuz I'd always keep trying to work things out with her pushing her away even more I hope 1 day she comes back and by then I learn how to deal with her cuz she really was my person😔
This is good!!! This is me and my ex all day as I've heard it a lot when I wasn't trying to be the person as an anxious style and her being avoidant. You guys nailed us. But I continued to fix and change her. She talked about my emotional side a bit much. So because of her innocent behavior that wasn't intentionally (she didn't see it) done daily I called her out on it often. Thank you guys!
I am an avoidant and I loved that letter. If I don't come back it's just because i'm doing work on myself ( or not but then that's my problem not yours so don't worry about that and keep loving you) and I don't see the point going back to someone for round 2,3,4,5 of all of the same dynamic. If /when I reach out again it's because I have processed and understood enough things from a different perspective and I feel confident enough we can work it out with new insights. That lady in the letter has learnt in the meantime to become more assertive ( genuinely more assertive) and that's what the avoidant needs.
Mine reached out, but made it a point to say, " i dont want you thinking i want to get back with you". It hurt alot. Went back into no contact, he reached out again after some time, confusing interaction. Went no where.was trying to be friendly, light. But he started ignoring my messages. I brought it up, and he said yeah i have a habit of not responding. I made it clear it bothered me, and he said it probably wont change. Last we spoke, he said, well i guess this is goodbye then. He so easily can just never see me, never speak to me again after being crazy about me. It's really really hurtful and confusing.
I finally understand what was going on with my ex. She wouldn't initiate kissing nor physical contact. It was always on me. She did enjoy it when I showed her how to do it but I was always frustrated about her inability to reach out, touching and opening up about her feelings. I never knew it was about avoidant attachment. I've never heard of it until just recently. Now I'm listening to all of your videos. It still bothers me that I didn't know what to do or how to handle the situation. :( It's been 4 months and no contact between either of us.
Same situation :) but u will better, i know that is difficult, but u should know that this is not your fault. Just move on, heal, she will contact you. Thay need some time to process this things and breakup
@@ChilledOut Thanks. I go through phases of missing her a lot and then I calm down. I try to keep things in perspective. It was my fault why she left. I was having trouble at work, and taking meds for pain and anxiety. I was really hurting. I mixed the 2 meds and it affected my state of mind, one day. I couldn't remember crap and kept calling her when she was busy. She told me she would call later but I kept forgetting and kept calling her back. I was out of my mind. That's when she told me she didn't want to see me anymore. Hard thing to accept. We went back and forth a few times and a couple of weeks, went out one more time and that was it. She kicked me out of her life. I was always together in my head, no arguing, no yelling and no swearing at her. A real good guy. I was on my best and was enjoying the heck out of the relationship. I was still a man to her. No contact for 10 months. I'm better now. :)
Joe B it’s heartbreaking I know. I thought I had found my soul mate after avoiding long term relationships for 15 years after my marriage. I have healed in that time but am still 50% FA. I really believe in timing and maybe your situation was supposed to happen so that you would learn about attachment styles and grow as a couple. My ex went 11 months before initiating contact after we separated the first time. The hardest thing for me is knowing what a beautiful person he is and how good it could be if only he trusted me not to hurt him. At least now I know why he is hot/cold and I can release the anxiety I have experienced. I hope she contacts you and really sees the value you can give to the relationship.
Do avoidants tend to be less affectionate too? My ex didn't give me the affection and love I needed. I even confronted him and he said it takes so much effort to. I then asked well how do you think that makes me feel? He then admitted he was being selfish.
They can't handle intimacy and as an adult, they're not going to get over this problem without acknowledging it with therapy and daily effort. If they're stonewalling and saying it takes too much work, then he's telling you you're not worth the effort (nothing personal to you, he wouldn't make the effort for himself let alone anyone else). Billions of single men out there, this person doesn't have the skills to be in a relationship.
I question if it makes sense for an anxious person to want an avoidant back. It’s like you’re borrowing trouble. Why be with someone where you’re always having to cope with or lose them?
Please add to your comments when your ex came back. It will help others understand the timeframe. With that being said, I think my ex has a fake Facebook page and reaches out when he sees something tragic has happened via phone. Nov 11th made 1 month I've been in NC.
I hunch I hit rewind enough to see this video 2-3 times. So much info and you two collaborate well anyways but this was your best collaborative effort I've seen. Excellent video WOW such a difficult thing avoidants are very challenging. I know now why she left me THANK YOU!
Coach Craig I salute you, thanks for enlighting us. I find that what you teach is similar with coach Corey Wayne, yet you have this great depth about attachment system that he doesn't go in. I can see clearly what you're teaching after I read the book Attach written by Amir Levine in 2002, perfected knowledge of what this wonderful man John Bowlby discovered back in the 50s. Your great teachings that are similar with coach Corey, are basically how to attract the avoidants, but you are ABSOLUTELY right with the fact that we should step up in our life. For me as a secure attach is easier, but let's not forget we are a mix of attachment styles, and there is also the micro activated attachment, that we must learn to understand it and how to manage it. With avoidants it's a mo-fo to work with, but they crave love like everybody else. So anybody that is watching Coach Craig and Margaret, listen to them, and treat your situation like you only have on shot !
What if I spent the first 3 months messaging them trying to get them to come back? And talked with his friends and family? Is there still hope? We were together 5 years. He ignored me the whole time. And in the relationship he felt trapped because I became anxious, controlling, insecure and dependent.
I am in such a bad situation. I never had a CLUE this was a thing. I fell, HARD, for someone, and I KNOW they were also feeling for me. Even said so, and it was so GOOD. The only issues, were suddenly she was too busy, like I was a distracting task, that was last on the list. Everyone else, even if we had plans, could supersede me, with most likely not even letting me know, and making me wait, and then acting as if I was INSANE to be upset. I honestly believed for a moment that it WAS me, because of an incident that went on for so long, my mind went to only what I knew and I started thinking that she was with someone else. I asked her, please, just do not ignore me. She agreed. Then would make kind of a show of how she was making a huge effort not to ignore me, when she wasn't at all, it didn't even apply to that, but now I guess I've gone and done it. She went on a planned trip, pulled an all out complete ignore, dismissal, and I FLIPPED. Now I see about this, and I wonder if I will ever get her back again. She won't answer my messages, Calls, and won't even see me. I'm hurt so badly, I don't even know what to do with myself. My health is not good, at the best of times, and stress is always a significant factor in it, and I'm afraid that this is quite literally, killing me, worse, I hardly care half the time. I WISH for it, to not be in this pain. I have had a very rough few years, where it was like the sky was falling on me. Devastating close death, after death, and upheaval of my entire life, and it's hard for me to take much, I didn't know how little I could handle a situation like this, I don't feel strong enough to be able to take the pain. I am so utterly SHOCKED by this behavior, how things can be so GOOD, on BOTH ends, yet, she just walked away, no explanation, apology, or even concern for my well being at all. I don't know what to do.
I am in the same situation right now. we had a break up one month ago. I lost almost 12 pounds , my appetite has decreased. Can u give me aby update like what happened after that. i really want to know, it would be of great help.
I know it feels unreal, like your worst nightmare and it is shocking......please be kind and compassionate with yourself you have to disengage from this person if you can go cold turkey no contact or gradually move away surround yourself with loving friends and family and please understand that you are in no way to blame or responsible for this avoidants behaviour. Your emotional, physical and mental health is far more precious than this person. Take care and good luck
2 months no contact with my DA ex girlfriend. Im not expecting her to come back, theres no much stuff to talk about and she doesnt have the emotional bandwidth to do so. Hence avoidant.
20 months on, not a peep lol we were together near 2 years and got on well which made it very confusing but the one talk about were we were at made her dump me on the spot.
This is the best advice & insights, ever! Coach Margaret, you’re amazing! You’re both so rich with knowledge & heart. I’m learning to trust… again, you’re both sound genuine and heartfelt.
My relationship was that I am the anxious and he was the avoidant. I read up on attachment theory so I knew how to take things slow and not push or be overly clingy. I gave him space when he needed it and understanding when he would shut down. I would tell him his feelings were validated, that I didn't want to control him, that I didn't want to change him. I did suggest however that he seek out therapy to help better understand himself and why he does what he does, as I pointed out that his coping strategies were aiding him to feel depressed. I never tried to pushed it. Even when the intimacy got to just holding hands and cuddling. I did try and tackle that and ask him to seek help with me. He had brought up starting a family, something I always wanted as I'm 39 and have no children. He brought it up first and I wanted to believe him so much. It turned out to be a cruel mind game, he pulled back soon after I became on board and with the pandemic and his hot cold behaviour, my anxiety triggered more and I pushed him more on that. The result was he broke up with me stating he can't handle long term and he didn't want to disappoint me. He said that this was him and that he had to accept that this is who he was and there was no changing it.
Almost dead to a tee for me, wanted to move in, wanted to be a dad…. Didn’t say no changing but I did suggest therapy the second breakup. It’s so sad because they push away what they want
It's been 4 months since my second breakup with my fearful avoident ex. I'm seriously considering breaking no contact. The first time we broke up I initiated every time, and we ended up back together 6.5 months later. I have been much more strict this time with no contact, as the last time I saw him he said "never again." He broke up with me because of my trust issues. He was working on himself and I was showing very high anxiety. I love this man with my entire heart and want to marry him still. When I say he is fearful avoident I mean EXTREAMLY. It has been in multiple area, including his career. It's like every time he gets close to proposing he freaks out, then cuts me and everyone else out of his life. He has some serious childhood trauma. Everyone one he meets loves him, he's really a good guy and my best friend. I know I really hurt him this time. Any suggestions would be amazing.
Just discovered my ex has an avoidant attachment style. Not severe but it’s there. He broke up with me and told me he needed space after an argument. We were together 1 yr and we are living together now! I am leaving to a new place in 5 days and he will stay till the lease is done. Will NC work when I move? I have confident in it because he sees me everyday so he doesn’t feel the separation anxiety like I do. Please do a video about exes that live together for a period of time! NC is hard when you see them everyday.
The workbooks are an amazing blessing! They really help you to do the critical thinking and analyze your behavior and that of your partner/ex/family. Five stars! I like to keep going over them every so often to keep me on my toes.
My avoidant girlfriend recently broke up with me after being together for 7 months. Not until I came across this channel did I realize that she fits the avoidant description to a tee. There has been no arguments and no issues between us so it just kinda hit me out of the blue. She goes to college full time and works full time and since she's gone back to school it seems she is constantly overwhelmed. When breaking up with me she said she can't be in a relationship right now because it's not fair to me that I'm giving 100% effort and she's only giving 25% effort. She said she's too overwhelmed right now and issues are coming up from her childhood that she has to deal with (she was abused as a child which explains the avoidant attachment). All in all I'm like well are we breaking up or are we still together? She says it's not black and white like that like you think it is she said how am I supposed to love you fully when I don't even love myself? She said I can't love myself and I need time to figure me out and figure how to deal with everything going on in life right now and figure what priorities I need to focus on. She says it's not like I never want to talk to you again. I'm like well I want a life with you I see you in my future and I want this to work out, she said I can't even see passed ten days from now how am I supposed to know what my future holds? So I'm like well what am I supposed to do just move on and forget about you? She said that's up to you I'm not going to ask you to wait for me that's not fair of me to ask of you I don't deserve that. Since then, which has been a week ago now, I've gone full no contact. So thank you Craig and Margaret I'm really enjoying all the information you have to give, and I hope to take this time to work on myself. I hope your right in saying that they come back though.
Working on the workbook now. It helps to ease the anxiety and has been eye opening to say the least. I'm confident that I will come out a better person due to this break up whether it's with my ex or not. I love her dearly, was with her for 7 great years and had spent years of self improvement before meeting her only to completely fall apart the last month of our relationship because I felt that she was leaving me. I had know idea that what I was feeling had nothing to do with her but, rather my anxious attachment had reared it's ugly head again. I became clingy, and smothering and she lost respect for me and finally shut me completely our of her life. She's an avoidant. I'm in no contact right now and I would be lying if I dint say I was fearful that she may be gone forever.
Axel Briggjern it’s been over 2 months of no contact and have not heard from her at all. It has gotten a lot easier as far as the constant pain goes. After a lot of therapy and thought I’ve now come to realize that our breakup had more to do with her than me and I deserve to have someone that won’t walk out on me. At this point I will not contact her. My self respect and worth is more than any relationship no matter who it is. Time and self improvement will begin to heal you. Hang in there and I promise you that if you stay the course in 2-3 months you will start to view and feel much different. Would I ever get back together with her? Not unless she committed to doing a whole lot of self improvement herself.
Axel Briggjern. You said it right there. Premeditated. That alone says everything. I often wonder if it was possible someone else that made her walk out but, then I remind myself that it doesn’t matter the worst had already happened and to keep trying to fill in the blanks of pointless. Hang in there...... I promise you it will her much better.
My 1st love was an avoidant dumped me for someone else ended up dating the other guy for 3 years he left her so she came back to me acting clingy and anxious because she had no where else to go but by that time I was talking to multiple women so I wasn’t gonna drop anything I had going for her her and her bf got back together again then she got dumped again by the same guy so she tried to come back to me again and yea I wasn’t having it. To much of a mess
It feels as tho they operate and manipulate and gas light and go ghost without impunity and when they return we are just supposed to accept it. I’ve also been told avoidants are promiscuous as that is the only language they speak. How is it ok to be sexually abusive (by with holding sex and affection for months) and mentally abusing their mate without any conscience?? It’s a difficult place to be and I’m secure
My ex broke up with me about a week and a half ago "bc she's been forcing it this whole time" even though she was the one to talk about having a life together and saying shes never loved someone so much. She made me believe she wanted a life with me. She actually broke up with me over the summer time bc she "needed time to heal" and then she came back a month later. And here we are again. Broken up again. But this time tells me she doesnt love me anymore. I find it so hard to believe though with all the things she said to me. She is avoidant and I am anxious. She lied to me a lot. And I bent over backwards for her. She thanked me for showing her what real love is and thanked me for treating her so good. I'm doing no contact. But im dying inside. When she broke up with me a week and a half ago, she ghosted me for a week and then reached out. But when I asked her why she lied to me so much. And she stopped talking to me and is ghosting me again. So im doing no contact. Will she come back a 2nd time??
@@brittanydaniels7189 and i belive u, it is for me to tell you that, aa you would be easy to say the same to me. But try to go no contact, focus on yourself
I’m an anxious. My guy is a dismissive. He basically disappeared for 2 months which sent me into the mindset like I was being no contracted. When we did meet up again after his return I had a small smothering tantrum of “I know you need your space and I want that for you but I also missed you blah blah blah”. Long story short he did offer reassurance, hugged me and said he loved me, and then flighted. I didn’t know about attachment styles until after which opened my eyes about how my needs just smothered him into a very uncomfortable position. I did reach out 2 days later and apologize and explain I was reacting to my own issues and I know it made him uncomfortable. I know I need to give him space now because he explained he feels he lost himself and needs to work on himself to be able to be there for someone and focus on his structure and lectured me a bit on working on myself. I don’t know if he’s just distancing or ending the relationship. I know he cares and sees the worth but I don’t know if that means anything to him.
I believe my ex was an avoidant person, while I'm an anxious person. He left me once and quickly came back soon to leave me again it's been 2 months and I did let him know I'm a patient girl and I'm willing to wait for him. This NC is hard but it's the time where I need to better develop myself and my future if he decides to come back to me. Trust me guys they do indeed come back.
They definitely do come back. This is the second time we broke up. First time I reached out weeks later and we were back together 6 weeks later. This time I made the mistake to ask to talk multiple times for 2 weeks post break up before going NC. He then contacted me on day 28 of NC. We had nice light convo for a few days. As soon as I asked to talk in person, he shut down and didn’t answer. It’s been a week and I’m back in NC and won’t reach out unless he does. I wish I knew about attachment styles before all of this. I would know how to navigate things better. He is an Avoidant and I am secure turned Anxious.
My ex and I broke up 6 weeks ago she said she needs to time to herself, but now she avoids me in school and she really hates me from the looks she gives me I did beg at first. Any tips on what to do?
could you do a video if anxious attachment style exes come back when they attach to someone new? i’m avoidant and my ex is anxious and our relationship ended from miscommunication on both sides. i feel like i’m the one chasing and he’s the one avoiding since he has a new girlfriend now.
This is the difference anxiously attached people get attached deeply to someone so if you have pushed and hurt them and made them feel so insignificant and unloved. They will eventually find the courage to detach and once they attach with a new person. They will attached deeply its imposible to just hope they will come back. You have to pursue them real hard... ( I know... I have been one of them...)
An anxiously attached person is less likely to come back compared to an avoidant person. This is because the avoidant person will struggle to find someone new who will want to deal with their avoidance. An anxious person usually tries more than should and put lots of time, but when they finally had enough they'll find someone who gives them the attention they've wanted. Unless the avoidant person changes, the other person will be done for good.
What if they are dating someone else now? Someone they seem to be committed to very quickly. Can a DA change suddenly and with no therapy or work on their part? I feel so bad about myself. I was discarded twice and made to feel not good enough after 2 years. When its good, its good but when its bad, it is oh so painful. I am anxious and he is currently ignoring me. Will he ever talk to me again? What can I do? I am so sad and depressed. I love him very much and the thought of him truly loving another is hurting me so bad. Why wasn't I good enough to love?
Most people who have borderline personality disorder are avoidant. They create the same hot and cold, push and pull cycles. Wanting to get close and then fearing it
Narcissist partners and avoidants will make a person a fearful avoidant. Just "avoid" avoidants and narcs, seek out stable secure partners and you'll start feeling better.
Not even close right now. I’d guess we are maybe halfway through? I only put out products if I am extremely happy with or proud of. So when that happens, or gets close, I’ll talk about it more.
Yeah. That's a constructive message!!! (Avoidants) They are human, bcz of who they are, they deserve extra care and unconditional love what they had missed in their lives.
Hi Margaret & Craig. Thx for some amazing coachings. You’re the real deal. ❤️ I’m almost done with workbook 7 and it’s really ‘Heart Work’ finding the way home to myself. I feel that I’m slowly eaning a secure style knowing my history and learning to soothe my anxiety. 💪🦋
Craig and Margaret - I’ve been a fan of your content for many years. Your insights have been so valuable and have helped me better understand the intricacies of personal relationships. This has to be one of my favourite videos. Never knew how much I needed this advice on how to have these important and meaningful conversations between anxious and avoidant partners. ♥️
I’m a FA and I was the one who was dumped. I certainly want her back so yeah we do care. It’s not our fault we are like this but it is our decision to change.
Excellent video coaches! Helps me understand myself, (Anxious) and my ex, (Avoidant) so much better! Through your channel I'm learning to control my anxiety and also appreciating where and why Avoidants are they way they are...it's opened a whole new door in ALL my relationships! Thank you so much!!!
Friends always tell me to move on, and go on to say how can you deal with someone like your ex. Truthfully, I’m the anxious person I want answers fast and it’s been a hell of a ride trying to understand him. He’s avoidant, before I would run after him. Working in mental health and child dev. has allowed me to understand that who he is roots back to his childhood. I don’t have the time and energy to explain it to others. I hope my ex comes back during this no contact period because I know we love each other but this just takes time. I’ve been focusing on myself and not control the outcome.
After reestablishing a relationship maybe just Talking even.. how do you bring up to your ex that they need to work on things too? I don’t know how i would Tell him this is what I think is going on... I believe is he avoidant.. therefore I think he will be reluctant and non believing that there is any way we can fix the problem.. is it one of those things that you just have to let them figure out that they need to Change on there Own?? Thanks for any tips
The Dynamics with this couple is totally opposite of the norm. It's usually a woman who's the fearful avoidant. But You're right, they do come back. Mine came back twice and it was a disaster both times. Fearful avoidants do not know how to love a man. The sooner you understand that and move on the sooner you'll find the right one for you. Fearful avoidants do not know how to love. It is not their fault but it is the reality. You did not break them, it's not your job to fix them. You can't. A good relationship should not be this much work. That's sad. Your videos offer brilliant insight. Margaret is wicked smaht.
If you are anxious, it’s even more important that you work so hard on personal growth, that when your ex comes back you cannot fail... #TheKnowledge
Coach Craig Kenneth happy holidays Craig.
People can't afford
You can’t afford a workbook?
Coach Craig Kenneth how much is it? No I can’t even make my rent this month I’ve can’t hold a job due to the divorce.
Coach Craig Kenneth Hi coach Craig what about mailing ur ex their things back? During no contact what do you think about this? Should I do it?
Love doesn't hurt you. Someone who doesn't know how to love hurts you.
This, a hundred times this
I disagree. If you have emotional/attachment issues, you might hurt even if the other person didn't do anything that justifies that. That's a good way to never aknowledge or change your own attachment issues. (I have these myself)
I disagree. I'm an anxious and I hurt others I love not meaning to.
❤🤗🌟
@@MC-eq7fl is it fair to say that you are hurting yourself? (self-sabotage, for a possible example)
An Avoidant person is more likely to come back compared to an Anxious person. Avoidant people struggle to find a new person because they don't change and mentally strong people move on when they see the signs of the Avoidant. They usually have no choice but to go back an Anxious ex. The Anxious person stays longer and tries everything, but when they finally had enough they'll find someone who gives them the attention they've wanted. And they would not want to give up the new love to go back with an Avoidant ex.
Absoluttely truee!!💯💯
Absolutely !! You couldnt say it any better.
I suspect that im an avoidant so that means that my ex would probably be the more anxious one. If your statement is true, then there's probably no hope of her to come back 😭
Married to a DA. I'm anxious but working on being Secured. Separated for 2yrs but he came back once n stayed for 8 months then ghosted me . I found out he's in a rebound relationship. Just working on my self now n have been in no contact for 1 month. I'm fine being alone n I'm not giving up on him . Blessings to all us Warriors 🙏
@@israelmendoza5262 did you break up with her or she did with you?
My ex came back. Like you said, they are avoidant but are also in desperate need of affection and validation. If your ex dumps you, do no contact( nicely), work on yourself, go to the gym, get in shape, hang with friends, and you will be fine. In a few months you will feel better and will get ready to date. Just when you feel better they usually come back. BUT if they don't, MOVE ON and find another person to date.
The Avoidant is a built-in roller coaster... forever! If you’re anxiously attached then either Move On permanently of suffer repeated heartbreak.
For how long u were in NC?
Vlad Radunyius ... first time 28yrs! Then on reconnection with the same girl and after one year partnership and being dumped... 9 months. Now back in email contact. I’ve got less anxious/ more secure, she is still avoidant but obviously trying to address it. She knows the Attachment Psychology- I told her in detail- it went down like a lead balloon but wha’do I care!
@@jgpsp5 simply they wont change, they think they are better than the others. 4 months in NC and i am slowly letting go... Tnx John, stay strong and happy New year! :)
Vlad Radunyius ... yes you are right to let go and heal, which will probably take months. After that you’ll be strong enough to decide which you’d be best to go with. The ‘changed renewed’ Ex who wants you back or someone with no baggage who just wants you! Good luck.
Every time Coach Margaret nods “yes” I feel like everything is going to be okay 😬🤗
Omg...I think the same way. She is so comforting and gives us all hope ☺🤗💛
Agreed. She is the cheerleader I needed.
that is why we always need her or Victoria to be in every video. :)
She is unbelievably hot
rip
I am slightly avoidant. I dated people with high level of avoidance and, despite the fact that I understood their struggle (because I am avoidant myself), I found them to be a waste of time. If you are mildly avoidant or secure or anxious, you break up usually for valid reasons. Highly avoidant people break up just because they don't want to be known / close.
Yes they do come back as they thrive on distance and after a breakup there is plenty of distance. However as soon as they feel the closeness is too much they leave again, and again. Rollercoaster waste of time. Now I learned if someone leaves once, because of their own avoidance and without major mistakes on my part, they are not dating material. They can go waste someone else's time!
I tend to agree with you there! The moment my ex felt threatened or not happy within (for whatever reason), he'd trigger a breakup; not, let's talk about it to find a solution. And me being anxious, would chase and beg and plead - NOT NOW! Now that I know what Attachment Styles are (had NEVER heard of them before); I clearly see the bigger picture, and this time, I'm taking NC to the next level (for my own healing). He never had to take responsibility or 'feel' the consequences of his actions, as I would just appear to smooth over calm waters.
@@meekainc Yes, mature conversations are nowhere to be found with avoidants. They are cowards at the core because they run away instead of facing difficult conversations / feelings and taking adult responsibilities. I agree with total, permanent NC also because (esp. for anxious people) the highs and lows and the pining of such rollercoaster relationships trigger the dopamine circuits the same way substance addictions do. So if you get a taste of that reward even just once, you restart the addiction process and the cravings again.
@@HugDealer soooo right about them being cowards
Agreed.
Rossana Motta ... so right in every way! My complete empathy. They also project their feelings onto you and blame you for things they have done. They will never say sorry. A most insanely addictive waste of time and emotion.
It's frustrating and a waste of time to be waiting on someone for days, weeks and months when will they come around... When you could just talk about your issues find a common ground and have fun... Avoidants are so difficult to love...I've worked on myself to become secure but darn he's actions are putting me back to anxious state. People with anxious attachment are liquids they mold and shape according to their partner just to avoid getting high levels of anxiety. While the avoidants are like a rock... The more we wrapped them with love and affection the harder they become...
Interesting description. I agree with it and will keep it in mind
💯true! That's why I left my DA after 🙄6 years.. It's exhausting and honestly not worth it!!!!!! I became secure from anxious overtime because I worked on myself! 🤗🤗
But boy does his avoidant ways triggered me🙄
Wtf are you in a relationship for when your feelings are not taken in consideration for and there is no communication because someone is an avoidant and dsnt want to work on himself!! Plzz 🏃💨RUN!!
AVOIDANTS ARE A MUCK & THEY NEVER CHANGE!!
Perfect description. Im an anxious and my ex is an avoidant
Rariix facts. So the more I started to work and educate myself, I realize that I’m not as anxious as I thought, I am for sure anxious but I definitely carry secure traits but being with an avoidant triggers you in ways that can make you be more of the insecure type unfortunately.
Just a solid grey rock with no feeling inside of them … lmao you’d think if you go deep enough maybe there’d miraculously be some water from the rock to quench your emotional thirst.. but the deeper you go, the thirstier you get… lol nothing but a dry grey emotionless lump that hurts when thrown at peoples way.
Margaret is exactly right at just before 8 min in. Avoidants often times have parents who are emotionally unavailable or get neglected as children.
True..
My ex is starting to make more sense now
Yup I know someone who this pertains to very much
Sooo trueeee
Very true! I dated one Who has never told positive affirmations as a little girl. Only pointed out what she did wrong. It is so sad because now they have to deal with all of that baggage emotionally to ever have a healthy relationship. It doesn’t sound like the majority of them want to though. If you are a patient partner you may be able to help One heal over time but it does take patience and lots of understanding.
I’m going to give some an encouragement. I have an avoidant attachment style and my girlfriend is anxious. I know it seems like the worst combination but trust me through patiences and understanding it can work. Recognizing my attachment style, I sat my girlfriend down and explained that if I seem distant and indifferent please understand that it is not you. I love where we are in our relationship and it’s not fair for you to be on the rollercoaster because of my childhood trauma. She has been extremely patient and when things don’t go here way she gives me time to process and I come back in an effective way. The key is for the avoidant to communicate and for the anxious to be patient. Anxious must be confident enough in themselves to not need validation all the time and avoidant needs to communicate. Truth is as an avoidant we crave the closeness but we want to control it. So please be patient with us!
Marvin Soberanis
The problem is you are an exception. Avoidant people don’t have “the talk” and don’t want to compromise and communicate.
My ex was an avoidant and he broke up with me via text. I will never date an avoidant again, you people should either be on your own or date other avoidants.
Yes Usually avoidants don't "communicate" but act out by "avoiding" and detaching. Marvin I wonder how you started to be aware of your own patterns and work on yourself?
Sarah M
I know it’s very frustrating and most of the time when you finally push us away we come back. But then it’s too late. Everyone has attachment styles and I feel it’s not fair to judge people by their childhood dramas because we had no control over that. But, I recommend therapy like I did. I got out of a 10 year relationship which made me really understand who I am. My next relationship I wanted growth on part. It helps having a partner who will listen to me even if I think it’s stupid or me just overthinking. She made it comfortable for me to communicate. But the willingness came from therapy. I just want you guys to know that it can work. But you cannot fix a person who is not willing and everyone can grow unless you fall in the “Stable” attachment style you too can grow!
Marvin Soberanis, thank you for sharing this and encouraging us. I understand a breakup was a catalyst for you to start self investigation and therapy. Was your main fear in relationship to become smothered and lose your identity? What do you tend to overthink about?
The man I have connected with, explained he struggled to be himself in relationship and when we had an argument, his response was to pull away and stop communicating. I let him go (even if I am anxiously attached) and then he came back but he is now hot and cold. I wonder if that is his avoidance and own contradictions, or a mind game he consciously does to make me chase?
Sarah M yes. One of the things, I’ve expressed to my girlfriend and you all should be aware that it takes a lot of energy for an avoidant to be expressive and communicate. Now, to anxious and others this may not seem like much because your use to doing it. That’s why I say, patiences and understanding. The overthinking was not being able to be myself most of the times because unconsciously when we do express and try it’s as if it wasn’t enough for anxious because your so use to doing it. My recommendation are time, space, and understanding. Like I said, it’s not that we do not want love, affection, it’s that we want to control it. But we need to heal and learn to love the right way by communicating. Still a challenge even for me. My girl says, I love you all the time and for me it’s weird to say it back all the time. But this is what’s a challenge for us. Hope this helps!
I hate having to walk on eggshells with avoidants
Exactly what I was having to do and no fck that he doesn't like you if it's like that , this girl I was with same way she just wanted me for money and she thought I looked good she didn't really like me for me , probably something similar going on with this guy your with I'm sorry it's that way for you foreal
@@blakehorton8110 She could be a cluster B disorder rather than "just" avoidant attached.
Gemma Janes Brookes, yes!! When we will be fully healed, we will be turned off by them. We don't have to deal with that and tiptoe around them. Having a partner should not be that one-sided.
me too!! It was so stressful.
That's right it felt like walking on egg shells, when I was with her..lol
Cut all ties with your ex and their friends/family... the only way to re-establish communication is to finally move on with your life, keeps busy when you’re feeling upto it. Take care of yourself, and just remember, if you have to continually improve yourself for someone who won’t improve for you, you are chasing the wrong one. I promise you, your partner whom you know painfully call your ex, isn’t always the one, take the months apart to find yourself also.
What if I spent the first 3 months messaging them trying to get them to come back? And talked with his friends and family? Is there still hope? We were together 5 years. He ignored me the whole time.
i actually needed to hear this. Thanks!
@@thejuan113 same here. I've been in no contact for 3 days now. 1 month after break up. She reached out twice. I reached out 2 times after her. Did a grand gesture.After my last reach out,it didn't end well. Made me look weak. I have now deleted my fb,her numbers,and archived all her friends and family.
I've gone in to the dark.
@@Michelle-xq1nv Go no contact immediately. And stay no contact 100%. Trust me,I've screwed up and broke no contact on day 17 to the point that my ex blocked me on social media. That was 5 days ago. I'm back in no contact day 3. One month after break up. Trying to center myself again and regain my dignity.
@ Ben Junior Hang in there man. Just focus on yourself. Its the only thing you can control. Ive been in NC for about 3 weeks now. I still miss her but it gets easier. Remember you gotta take care of yourself. If you don’t love yourself first its hard to give the type of love our partners deserve. Feel free to reach out if you need to talk and best of luck to you!
The best way to get some attention, is too not give them any of yours, 💯💯💯
@@becyjames1870 , whoever said i wanted my ex back? You kinda reaching there homie, but whatever you selling im not interested.
In my experience they do come back but likely run hot and cold for a period of time (sometimes an extended period) before leaving permanently. I am sure it can work out in the end for some people, but are these people really good bets for a loving and consistent relationship? Not in my experience. Sad.
Helen Baker it hard thou after 33 yrs and 10 kids to let go
Yes but how about after divorce ?
There's been no hot plenty of cold
They are afraid of getting close. Good luck with that.
@Till Sallivan, 10 kids???
Despite claiming that I (AA) was “perfect” and “the most loving partner he had ever dated,” my avoidant ex opted to leave. At one month post breakup, I am healing and growing into a more secure person. That said, I don’t worry whether or not he returns. When ready, I will start dating again. This time, with a more secure partner. ♥️ 🌟
Good luck!
Appear, disappear, NC, appear, disappear, NC, lather, rinse, repeat. After 3 years I told him I am FINALLY bowing out of this cycle.
Reading up on attachment theory and watching these videos has been so enlightening! I’m pretty sure my ex is avoidant, and honestly it gives me some closure to know that we hurt each other not because we didn’t care or love each other, but more because we didn’t understand ourselves or each other (and our attachment styles) well.
So true. I'm learning this from the workbooks from coach craig
true, shes an avoidant and anxious at the same time.
You’re all our best friends Craig! You’re the best thing I’ve found on RUclips! My avoidant ex came “back” but in the most self protective way possible. He’s just not willing to stick is neck out and show true emotion or vulnerability and I’m not willing to spend the time digging it out of him.
So for how long u were in NC?
I wish I had learned a lot of this when had wife too old soon to late smart
Vlad Radunyius about 4 months! I was absolutely floored when I heard from him.
@@denisejaydub that is there True nature :) we have been good always, but on the border with emotions, closed, acting like she cant open enough :) we will see what future brings
I wish I had your strength
Every time I come back and re-watch any of these videos, something new resonates with me.
For months, Craig, Margaret, and Victoria were the only things that got me through the day.
I couldn't eat, sleep, and was constantly sick because of my anxiety.
I'm anxious and my husband of 2 years who is avoidant had an affair with someone local, and another affair with a different person who lived out of state who he got to move here to be with him.
I was completely devastated and have been in NC since October. He's starting to reach out now but I am in a completely different place and am looking forward to my future rather than hoping for him.
It takes time, but either they'll come back or you'll be in a better place and not even wanting them back. ❤️ Loving yourself and putting you first is always a win.
@@ps1731-qs1uh in all honesty, he probably will at some point. I can tell you, from my experience it does get better. Not long ago was I waking up every single morning throwing up, sick, and not eating for days on end. Now, I'm really excited for the future and opportunities ahead. I don't remember the last time when all I had to worry about was myself. And that feels amazing. There is so much love in this world, this is not your last. Love yourself, the rest will follow. Be patient. Right now is so hard, taking so much energy just to survive. You'll get there, believe in yourself, you're stronger than you think. 💕💕💕
Hi angelia. That's pretty much me now after 7 weeks NC and the break up. I'm struggling daily.
How are things now?
Hi! @@Troy12-fitnessmodel
Things are going really well for me now. It's been months since I've heard anything from my ex and I'm totally okay with that. I'm in a great spot mentally, have my own hobbies, friends, and interests that I have been rediscovering. It took awhile but finding myself again and having love and compassion for myself completely changed my outlook on that relationship and has helped immensely moving forward.
There was a time when I thought things would never get better, and now, I could never go back to what was.
Hang in there. ❤️
You guys are great. It's been about 6 months since my ex left me. I wanted her back for a long time but as I get better on my own I'm not sure if I want her back. I've grown a lot and I'm really happy. If she did come back I would be a better partner for her I'm sure. I think she is avoidant and I wish I knew this before I dated her. I've listened to a lot of your videos and I want to thank you for all you do.
To all the hopeless romantics waiting for a comeback over here, let me tell you this;
“Your DA ex will comeback to you, and to all of his/her exes as well” is because they had something and they know it’s easier to recover the next victim than starting all over again and waste energy. Open your eyes darlings.
This sounds more like a Narcissist's behavour to me.
its been my experience that they do not. not to invalidate what youre saying, but, from my perspective they never come back nor do they ever say that they are sorry for hurting you
@@margaretschepis5673 true
Yes, they come back...and then leave again...and then come back...and then leave again. That’s the hallmark of an Avoidant. I went through 4 breakups over 8 years with an Avoidant. I don’t recommend it, as it will be a constant rollercoaster until you put a stop to it.
Time frame?
Ive put a stop to mine.
Just nervous it’s coming.
Havent talked in 2.5 months
Kay m It varies. The longest split I had with mine was a year and a half. Shortest was 2 months.
@@cmjb6118 wow! a year and a half? lol that's like a lifetime
Reason of the break ups? And what was your motivation to get back together after all those break ups?
Mine left 4 times in 3 years and I've finally moved on. It's torture and you feel so stupid to keep letting it happen.
I'm sure this works but im so drained from the relationship i just dont want to deal with this again. Thank you for your free advice though.
They reached out?
@@lili63js51 Only after I had completely moved on because after so much improvement I realized I can do so much better. I am dating a wonderful woman now.
@@omarh789 how long did it take?
They come back but you have to do everything right no hurtful words, pressure to get back, ect
Well my ex is aviodant(she is 28y) and my colleague also, 3,5 months i am in NC, but she is getting colder and colder. She dumped me from blue.. I am much happier but still cant belive her actions
@@vladradunyius5032 I know exactly how it is. They can drop people and never look back it's scary. You'll find someone that will want to be with you good luck.
@@augustdacosta5855 Tnx :)
They love to come back to keep tabs then unload a lot of hurtful words to create more space. If you can't be yourself then they're a waste of your time. They consider everything "hurtful" to the point you have to censor your conversations carefully. It's not worth the stress.
@@Andromeda_M31 Agree, u are always watching what to say to them and they just dont give a damn about you. Cold, insecure and always looking others as second rated persons
I am an avoidant, and I wish I could come back. Ive made many of the mistakes discussed in the videos and workbooks. I still have a long way to go, but i wanted to share that avoidants do want to come back. Its painful to accept our feelings and mistakes, and often its easier to shut down, and push everyone away. I encourage everyone to do the workbooks. I wish there was a forum where we could further discuss workbooks and our experiences further. Thanks Craig, Margaret and all the people supporting their work.
rouslan85 A forum is a great idea!
Thank u for opening heart :) u are improving already :)
What would make an avoidant come back ?
@@rouslan85 I'm glad you come to realize that because it's usually almost impossible for avoidants to do such analyses , i wish you all the best and don't lose hope exes are loaded with surprises
Does it take time for them to realize what they did?
Lol. "I never stopped thinking about you" ...for 3 weeks. Meanwhile I'm going on 5 months no contact and not a word. No surprise though....he is SUPER avoidant.
CP be glad and thankful. He is doing you a favor. Avoidants are just a useless waste of time and energy.
mine has been ignoring me for 3 days and I’m going crazy 😭
saint pepsi you’ll see benefit in this one day
CP I’m on 47 days lol ... I have no hope.
Shawna T she still hasn’t reached out to me in 8 days
My ex DA came back after 3 months. He changed for a good while. Everything was great, just like it was in the beginning, better even. But he slowly went back to the same coldness. Leaving my clueless as to what was going on. So I became anxious because he was lying to me & amongst other issues.
I voiced my concerns many times w/o arguing & really tried to understand him. He did open up and then said he wanted to work on things but it kept going on & on. So I gave up when I realized he never was going to change. I wasted 2.5 years and not gonna waste anymore.
If they are not willing to work on themselves it’s pointless. I would have done anything for him but I couldn’t do it by myself. So I’m done for good. Blocked him on everything & wished him the best.
Just because your anxiety gets triggered with someone who is avoidant style doesn’t mean you’re anxious right? I feel that even a secure person would be triggered by the notion of separation. Or is that just an anxious style? I wouldn’t understand how someone who is supposedly secure not get triggered. Doesn’t that suggest they’re emotionally ambivalent?
YES! I’m totally secure and I was in a relationship with an avoidant. It is crazy making and MADE me anxious because it always felt like I was walking on eggshells. I never knew when he would pull away, or how close I could get, or how to say certain things without pushing him away. Tbh, it was exhausting.
I've observed they stonewall to get attention from a distance in a passive aggressive way (sometimes it starts from fear, sometimes it starts as punishment). In a sense they do no contact for control, so once they realize you aren't pining over them, they reach out to keep tabs on you, not to get back together. Secure (even anxious) people would assume reaching out is a reconciliation, but for the avoidant it's them prodding for validation on their terms to make sure you're still under their control, they need an ego boost, they need something, but it isn't a relationship that you hoped for.
Sounds narcissistic.
The Home of Self-Love Not true. I’m diagnosed with NPD and I have anxious attachment style. Don’t assume that every narcissist is some avoidant abuser . We get attached too! My entire identity was shattered by an avoidant
Yeah this is accurate based on my experience
Exactly.
Mine showed up regulary after a breakup and I mistook this for an offer...
Basically she just wanted to hang around me before she moved 1000 km away a few days later. 😒
She returned from there a few months later and I took her back.
But the relationship still never got off the ground. Everytime we got a little closer and I started to enjoy this, she pulled away again.
She always put in the labels in this situationship, I've been a lover, a spouse, a friend, a room mate, a neighbor in my own apartment.
Now she is in the process of moving out in her own apartment.
She told me she chose an apartment real close so that she could stay in touch with my dog. 🤔 She was sad when I said No to this plan.
Hell Yaaa! And most avoidants are super Narcissistic!
Great video. Totally hits home for me. I love the comment on how an avoidant can smell someone's anxiety before any words even leave their mouths.
Avoidants are not worth it!
Sure they come back. The real question is, why would you want them back? This person cannot love you the way you deserve. I'm not being judgmental... I've been in two "relationships" with avoidants. It hurts. If they come back, they just run away again. Don't let them come back.
I recommend you to a man who can help you manifest whoever you want to manifest within two-day ❤❤❤
_:+234_:704_:286_:4197_:#
they do! i have been ghosted for 10 months, he returned. it just doesn't work out since they normally don't work on themselves. And if they see that you have changed, they will leave even quicker again.
Nike H I feel that they can’t handle your changes and when they feel your strong sense of “self”, they may run because subconsciously they could feel they can’t control you in a certain way or you may wake up one day and leave them if they don’t meet your needs now. I feel like with avoidants it’s “hurt or be hurt”
@@Knel89 totally true. DAs are only in for that limbo with the anxious-preoccupied. If you take that away from them, there are no triggers left to cling to. I am right now experiencing this. My DA gets no drama, fight, no chasing, nothing. He is pulling back and chasing other women. 😁
@@nvh682 so you want to tell me that dismissive-avoidants actually seek drama and have a thing for anxious guys? Wow, this would explain a lot of what had happened between me (anxious) and my ex (dismissive-avoidant). She constantly found some shit to throw at me, while I was just seeking for harmony between us. It was sick.
I agree. I started doing Craig's work this week (the DA I was dating ghosted me for a week after we spent the most beautiful, passionate, fun evening together).
He tried to call me on the 7th night of ghosting, but I didn't answer (it was a Friday night and I needed time to collect my thoughts). I sent him a very pleasant, but neutral voice text the next morning.
A few hours later he called me and within a minute into the conversation he suddenly said he needed to take another call, would call right back, etc. I feel my NC non-anxious persona triggered him. I gave him nothing to soothe his ego. Just happiness and neutrality. I am feeling *so* much better in my own skin now and whether he is in my life or not it doesn't matter anymore. 🙏 I have worked on myself for years to become secure, but his behavior brought out every abandoned, anxious childhood wound in me. At least I can now understand the "why" behind it all.
Reassurance over n over again doesn't make a difference for the avoidant. It is up to them to learn to trust and love. It's not for us to try to convince them or give promises. It's an inner knowing and trust not an outer suggestion
Avoidant is tough. Yes they do often come hence the rollercoaster ride for many. Very difficult to navigate. Folks there does come a time to look after and out for yourself. And might mean walking away yourself to meet the person who loves you just as much as you love them. XO
Sean McGarry
You know what I find quite disturbing?. The fact that people think that they know what love is. Love isn’t breaking up with the person who’s been by your side through the storms and rains just because they won’t allow you to go out and have alone time with the opposite sex. Everyone looks for love. But no one wants to be loyal to their partner. “Oh he’s just a friend”,”Oh she’s just a friend“. They’re “Just friends” until you find out they fucking. So with your honest opinion. What in the hell is love?. Nowadays love is just a word that’s being passed around with no true meaning. So you think just because by you walking away from that person to go find another person who can “Love” you won’t cheat on you with their past relationship people?. Do you honestly believe that those people go away?. Do you honestly believe that they’ll drop everything for you?. 😂 Come on now. This is the 20 first century. “Love” Is dead. Wake up.
M.S.C ISLAND I kind of agree with your premise, although for different reasons. I definitely feel that my avoidant ex had a very different definition in mind when she told me that she loved me. She meant, “I love you right now.” That’s not quite what I meant when I said it.
M.S.C ISLAND it’s sort of a formality
Yes they do....
If yr anxious you have to learn to be patient
Could u share experience? Tnx
@@jenettegrubb9397 Great, i am looking for same peace of mind, but i am aware of my attach style, fearful avoidant, which became anxious in rltshp. But working, correct in and becaming more aware od my mistakes. Tnx, work on yourself be happy and satisfied :)
I don't think mine will come back. He is avoident and I am super duper anxious and that pushed him away. So I doubt he'll want to try again with me
@@peachblossom.phlox3403 mine was the same, though I think he couldve veered on fearful avoidant as he would actually open up and be vulnerable with me but it took a LOT for us to get there and once the conversation was over it was like it never happened and hed never shared those things with me! Is that typical DA or more FA?
Also was there any update did he come back? I was very anxious too but tried really hard to give him space, time and support that he needed but sometimes I just got upset and couldn't control it. I want him to come back so we can work better together as I really felt we got on well and that he opened up so beautifully to me at certain points and I knew he was sharing things hed never told anyone else.
It’s a wild ride. I’ll be thinking I’m past it, I’m good & out of the blue I’ll miss him so much & just want to talk but realize I cannot because in no contact. It’s just so many ups & downs. Thanks for being here!
Mk cheng Thank you but I’m getting over it, now it’s just the finding myself again ❤️
@Heather Russell. Yes it is an emotional roller coaster. Strap in if you have attached deeply because it will test your soul. The hardest part is feeling like you are bleeding and they have no clue or empathy for the pain you are in. If they are in pain you don’t know it because you are in no contact and staying the course. So you just have to believe and hope that through the natural course of time and what an ex goes through that that will be sufficient for them to wake up and hopefully realize what they lost. If you are anxiously attached and go through the anger phase there’s a good chance you may detach at this point and move on. I once dated a very dismissive person and at the time I did not understand about attachment styles. Thankfully I did not attach to her. After about a year of lameness I pulled the plug. I had some words to say at the end as I was not happy about my experience. Looking back I would’ve tempered that and handled it differently. However the point is because of it I thought for sure I would never hear from this person again. Over the course of the year this person contacted me at least four times. At this point I had no interest because I knew there was no change on their part and I wasn’t going to get suckered back in.. now I am in a break up where I actually really miss the person very much and the hardest part is shutting your brain off with all the what if‘s and if I would’ve just handled this or that differently things may be different. It’s exhausting and you really have to be kind to yourself. At the end of the day if they don’t value what they let go and they’re not willing to fight for it no matter how much you think you like them are they really worth having them? you need somebody in the ring with you willing to work through any small issues or even hurts. That is what brings two people together closely working through conflict not just smooth sailing. Dismissive avoidant people can be hard to work with because they really have a hard time asking themselves the hard questions or taking criticism spoken in kindness well. Just depends how dismissive avoidant they are.
Been with a guy and knew him for like two years but still felt like i dont know him.
That sounds terribly unfulfilling. I know how you feel though.
Mine ghosted me, I did not chase and stayed no contact.. expecting never to hear from them again. Six weeks later, they climbed my gate and appeared unexpectedly at my front door and tried to proceed like nothing had happened. Still unwilling to talk about anything. A week later, I received a msg saying the person was not ready and just wanted "relaxed contact". I have wished them well and returned to compete no contact. Nobody will ever hurt you like a narcissist or an avoidant. I am ready to heal now and it hurts more after being 'rejected' a second time.
Avoidant exes come back about once every 3 months, no matter how bad it ended, time is like a reset with them. My ex recently contacted me (again and always over text). When it didn't go how he wanted (I ignored him and kept dating someone else) he shamed me for the first time I said I loved him and called me clingy. I guess he was looking for a reaction but instead I realized he's a horrible human being. Shaming someone for saying I love you for the first time is one sure way they will never say it to you again!
Haapend to me also, when i told her i love u, she just was like, aaa, why so difficult topic :)
@@vladradunyius5032 They love to ruin a good moment don't they?
@@Andromeda_M31 i dont know if i am to laugh or be pissed off or to cry, but perfectly well said.. The same pattern from all the people from youtube and their stories, and your it is the same :)
How can they love you if they don’t love themselves?
@@cycolburn99 that's one thing, but when they're completely rude whether they love you or not, that's on another level of cruel. And they wonder why they have so many problems with people "letting them down" when they say and do rude things to create space to cause an undesirable response. They think everyone is a personal punching bag but no one is supposed to hit back. They need to grow up or don't date.
Hi Coach! Thanks for putting this vid together. I’ve been requesting it for weeks. It was informative. Nice to know Avoidants aren’t robots & actually have some level of compassion & emotion. Mine started out the entire 1st year very loving, caring & passionate. Then after she had to share custody of her 2 girls, things went south & the avoidant came out. Challenging to deal with for sure!
My husband left the house and filed for divorce. I’m in the angry stage. I love him but I also hate him right now. Idunno if I’ll take him back when he comes back. He’s also an avoidant.
I'm so sorry. Sending positive vibes your way.
I’m always really mad because if I had found these videos 2 months ago I probably wouldn’t be trying to get over/get back and ex lol
Update on your situation??? I feel the exact same way 😂
Even if they come back or not a relationship is constant work !!! I feel happiest when I’m single..it’s constant work.. now I understand why some ppl don’t want one..
Stephanie Mendez I completely agree with you. It’s just a lot of work to consider another person’s feelings, as well as ensuring you’re also healthy and happy.
Both people need to put in effort, I agree. These days it seems you get so many people who just want to kick back and be spoiled by another person (because the world owes them) and if it doesn't happen, you're disposed of in the most despicable and cruel way possible. It gets lonely being single but it's devastating to be taken advantage of after letting your walls down, it can cause lifetime trauma if it's bad enough.
Andromeda ... so right! Even years of trauma and emotional fragility. Do not engage... move on.
Honestly that is a true statement. Once you get past the hurt of the breakup you're in a better place.
🤣 find romantic ones, they are super willing to have a serious one in fairytale mode. Nowadays most people just start relationships as for jokes! Not as back in past when these things were taken more seriously!
I'm Craig Kenneth! This gets me every time haha I love you're vids. Thanks for the free support.
My DA always came back. This last time I recovered from being an AP and I told him he was a DA and should work on himself. I haven't heard from him since... Thankfully I'm secure now and it doesn't hurt nearly as much.
My avoidant ex sent me an email after 3 months of no contact, all it said was "Thank you. That's all I really wanted to say was thank you." I was surprised because he never reaches out. Haven't heard anything since. He's too stubborn to do anything.
give the avoidant a lesson for life, avoid them till they have to go to a psychiatrist because of depression , they have to improve , grow, change and cope with their own shit, if they can't, live your life , they don't want to be happy , that's not your problem anymore.
Lol.
So true.
Hahaha. That escalated quickly but in the best way possible
Good one
I am having a hard time not pitying the avoidant and wanting to show him that steady and consistent love and care exist, but I then ask myself if he is worthy of that. WIll he deserve my efforts to "heal" his childhood wounds? Sometimes, however, I ask myself whether we are giving them too much benefit of a doubt.
I think about this all the time
I am an avoidant, and so is my ex: who broke up with me primarily because I was too avoidant for even his avoidant ass! Every relationship I’ve had has ended for the same reason. As Margaret said, we have the same biological need for connection as everyone else. I’ve been in NC for a month and still think about him every day, and I’ve been in therapy since the break up working on my intimacy issues specifically so that if he does give me another chance I can do a better job next time, or if he doesn’t I won’t make the same mistake in my next relationship.
I also am only attracted to other avoidant people, and every ex I’ve had has gotten back in touch at some point after NC.
All y’all watching this and wondering if it’s real: it’s absolutely real.
Thank God! I had to make my d.a block me so I can't hit her up cuz I'd always keep trying to work things out with her pushing her away even more I hope 1 day she comes back and by then I learn how to deal with her cuz she really was my person😔
This is good!!! This is me and my ex all day as I've heard it a lot when I wasn't trying to be the person as an anxious style and her being avoidant. You guys nailed us. But I continued to fix and change her. She talked about my emotional side a bit much. So because of her innocent behavior that wasn't intentionally (she didn't see it) done daily I called her out on it often. Thank you guys!
I am an avoidant and I loved that letter. If I don't come back it's just because i'm doing work on myself ( or not but then that's my problem not yours so don't worry about that and keep loving you) and I don't see the point going back to someone for round 2,3,4,5 of all of the same dynamic. If /when I reach out again it's because I have processed and understood enough things from a different perspective and I feel confident enough we can work it out with new insights.
That lady in the letter has learnt in the meantime to become more assertive ( genuinely more assertive) and that's what the avoidant needs.
An exception does not disprove the rule. Lucky your partner. You're in no way, The Rule.
I have watched a lot of your videos and I think this one just tied them all together for me. Thanks Craig and Margaret!
I agree!!! Saving this one.
Who cares if they come back . They arent worth wasting your time and effort on anyway 👍
Mine reached out, but made it a point to say, " i dont want you thinking i want to get back with you". It hurt alot. Went back into no contact, he reached out again after some time, confusing interaction. Went no where.was trying to be friendly, light. But he started ignoring my messages. I brought it up, and he said yeah i have a habit of not responding. I made it clear it bothered me, and he said it probably wont change. Last we spoke, he said, well i guess this is goodbye then. He so easily can just never see me, never speak to me again after being crazy about me. It's really really hurtful and confusing.
It is a good sign from him, my opinion is that u came pretty much hard on your ex, pushy and demanding :)
Just wait and be polite next time...
@@vladradunyius5032 pushy and demanding? I didnt push or demand anything. He came looking for me only to ignore me, and I spoke up about it.
@@xHappzx u need to be pretty much gentile with them in the beggining, without any criticizm and anything :) stay strong
@@vladradunyius5032 yes I know. This wasnt really the beginning though, as he had reached out twice before that. I am trying to, but it's difficult.
I finally understand what was going on with my ex. She wouldn't initiate kissing nor physical contact. It was always on me. She did enjoy it when I showed her how to do it but I was always frustrated about her inability to reach out, touching and opening up about her feelings. I never knew it was about avoidant attachment. I've never heard of it until just recently. Now I'm listening to all of your videos. It still bothers me that I didn't know what to do or how to handle the situation. :(
It's been 4 months and no contact between either of us.
Same situation :) but u will better, i know that is difficult, but u should know that this is not your fault. Just move on, heal, she will contact you. Thay need some time to process this things and breakup
@@vladradunyius5032 Thanks
Same situation here 😢 but at least if she comes back you will be prepared and you will have strategies to help both of you
@@ChilledOut Thanks. I go through phases of missing her a lot and then I calm down. I try to keep things in perspective. It was my fault why she left. I was having trouble at work, and taking meds for pain and anxiety. I was really hurting. I mixed the 2 meds and it affected my state of mind, one day. I couldn't remember crap and kept calling her when she was busy. She told me she would call later but I kept forgetting and kept calling her back. I was out of my mind. That's when she told me she didn't want to see me anymore. Hard thing to accept. We went back and forth a few times and a couple of weeks, went out one more time and that was it. She kicked me out of her life.
I was always together in my head, no arguing, no yelling and no swearing at her. A real good guy. I was on my best and was enjoying the heck out of the relationship. I was still a man to her.
No contact for 10 months. I'm better now. :)
Joe B it’s heartbreaking I know. I thought I had found my soul mate after avoiding long term relationships for 15 years after my marriage. I have healed in that time but am still 50% FA.
I really believe in timing and maybe your situation was supposed to happen so that you would learn about attachment styles and grow as a couple.
My ex went 11 months before initiating contact after we separated the first time. The hardest thing for me is knowing what a beautiful person he is and how good it could be if only he trusted me not to hurt him. At least now I know why he is hot/cold and I can release the anxiety I have experienced.
I hope she contacts you and really sees the value you can give to the relationship.
Do avoidants tend to be less affectionate too? My ex didn't give me the affection and love I needed. I even confronted him and he said it takes so much effort to. I then asked well how do you think that makes me feel? He then admitted he was being selfish.
Same in some way, she was honest at the break up
They can't handle intimacy and as an adult, they're not going to get over this problem without acknowledging it with therapy and daily effort. If they're stonewalling and saying it takes too much work, then he's telling you you're not worth the effort (nothing personal to you, he wouldn't make the effort for himself let alone anyone else). Billions of single men out there, this person doesn't have the skills to be in a relationship.
@@Andromeda_M31 U are very familiar with avoidant topic? :)
@@Andromeda_M31 I wonder if he'll feel the pain and loss😔
Andromeda EXACTLY this!
I question if it makes sense for an anxious person to want an avoidant back. It’s like you’re borrowing trouble. Why be with someone where you’re always having to cope with or lose them?
Please add to your comments when your ex came back. It will help others understand the timeframe. With that being said, I think my ex has a fake Facebook page and reaches out when he sees something tragic has happened via phone. Nov 11th made 1 month I've been in NC.
I hunch I hit rewind enough to see this video 2-3 times. So much info and you two collaborate well anyways but this was your best collaborative effort I've seen. Excellent video WOW such a difficult thing avoidants are very challenging. I know now why she left me THANK YOU!
Coach Craig I salute you, thanks for enlighting us. I find that what you teach is similar with coach Corey Wayne, yet you have this great depth about attachment system that he doesn't go in. I can see clearly what you're teaching after I read the book Attach written by Amir Levine in 2002, perfected knowledge of what this wonderful man John Bowlby discovered back in the 50s. Your great teachings that are similar with coach Corey, are basically how to attract the avoidants, but you are ABSOLUTELY right with the fact that we should step up in our life. For me as a secure attach is easier, but let's not forget we are a mix of attachment styles, and there is also the micro activated attachment, that we must learn to understand it and how to manage it. With avoidants it's a mo-fo to work with, but they crave love like everybody else. So anybody that is watching Coach Craig and Margaret, listen to them, and treat your situation like you only have on shot !
What if I spent the first 3 months messaging them trying to get them to come back? And talked with his friends and family? Is there still hope? We were together 5 years. He ignored me the whole time.
And in the relationship he felt trapped because I became anxious, controlling, insecure and dependent.
Any update?
Update?
Sorry but if your ex reaches out after 1 week of no contact it was never a real break up
I am in such a bad situation. I never had a CLUE this was a thing. I fell, HARD, for someone, and I KNOW they were also feeling for me. Even said so, and it was so GOOD. The only issues, were suddenly she was too busy, like I was a distracting task, that was last on the list. Everyone else, even if we had plans, could supersede me, with most likely not even letting me know, and making me wait, and then acting as if I was INSANE to be upset. I honestly believed for a moment that it WAS me, because of an incident that went on for so long, my mind went to only what I knew and I started thinking that she was with someone else. I asked her, please, just do not ignore me. She agreed. Then would make kind of a show of how she was making a huge effort not to ignore me, when she wasn't at all, it didn't even apply to that, but now I guess I've gone and done it. She went on a planned trip, pulled an all out complete ignore, dismissal, and I FLIPPED. Now I see about this, and I wonder if I will ever get her back again. She won't answer my messages, Calls, and won't even see me. I'm hurt so badly, I don't even know what to do with myself. My health is not good, at the best of times, and stress is always a significant factor in it, and I'm afraid that this is quite literally, killing me, worse, I hardly care half the time. I WISH for it, to not be in this pain. I have had a very rough few years, where it was like the sky was falling on me. Devastating close death, after death, and upheaval of my entire life, and it's hard for me to take much, I didn't know how little I could handle a situation like this, I don't feel strong enough to be able to take the pain. I am so utterly SHOCKED by this behavior, how things can be so GOOD, on BOTH ends, yet, she just walked away, no explanation, apology, or even concern for my well being at all. I don't know what to do.
I am in the same situation right now. we had a break up one month ago. I lost almost 12 pounds , my appetite has decreased. Can u give me aby update like what happened after that. i really want to know, it would be of great help.
I know it feels unreal, like your worst nightmare and it is shocking......please be kind and compassionate with yourself you have to disengage from this person if you can go cold turkey no contact or gradually move away surround yourself with loving friends and family and please understand that you are in no way to blame or responsible for this avoidants behaviour. Your emotional, physical and mental health is far more precious than this person. Take care and good luck
Margaret and Craig, what sound advice. You are both equally wise and lovely 🌸 And always ‘yes’ to appropriately placed humour! It makes us human.
2 months no contact with my DA ex girlfriend. Im not expecting her to come back, theres no much stuff to talk about and she doesnt have the emotional bandwidth to do so. Hence avoidant.
Update?
Any news?
20 months on, not a peep lol we were together near 2 years and got on well which made it very confusing but the one talk about were we were at made her dump me on the spot.
This is the best advice & insights, ever! Coach Margaret, you’re amazing! You’re both so rich with knowledge & heart. I’m learning to trust… again, you’re both sound genuine and heartfelt.
My relationship was that I am the anxious and he was the avoidant. I read up on attachment theory so I knew how to take things slow and not push or be overly clingy. I gave him space when he needed it and understanding when he would shut down. I would tell him his feelings were validated, that I didn't want to control him, that I didn't want to change him. I did suggest however that he seek out therapy to help better understand himself and why he does what he does, as I pointed out that his coping strategies were aiding him to feel depressed. I never tried to pushed it. Even when the intimacy got to just holding hands and cuddling. I did try and tackle that and ask him to seek help with me.
He had brought up starting a family, something I always wanted as I'm 39 and have no children. He brought it up first and I wanted to believe him so much. It turned out to be a cruel mind game, he pulled back soon after I became on board and with the pandemic and his hot cold behaviour, my anxiety triggered more and I pushed him more on that. The result was he broke up with me stating he can't handle long term and he didn't want to disappoint me. He said that this was him and that he had to accept that this is who he was and there was no changing it.
Almost dead to a tee for me, wanted to move in, wanted to be a dad…. Didn’t say no changing but I did suggest therapy the second breakup. It’s so sad because they push away what they want
So sad :( ugh
It's been 4 months since my second breakup with my fearful avoident ex. I'm seriously considering breaking no contact. The first time we broke up I initiated every time, and we ended up back together 6.5 months later. I have been much more strict this time with no contact, as the last time I saw him he said "never again." He broke up with me because of my trust issues. He was working on himself and I was showing very high anxiety. I love this man with my entire heart and want to marry him still. When I say he is fearful avoident I mean EXTREAMLY. It has been in multiple area, including his career. It's like every time he gets close to proposing he freaks out, then cuts me and everyone else out of his life. He has some serious childhood trauma. Everyone one he meets loves him, he's really a good guy and my best friend. I know I really hurt him this time. Any suggestions would be amazing.
hey did he ever message you again? i’m on second break up as well, but i don’t know if my ex will ever come back
Just discovered my ex has an avoidant attachment style. Not severe but it’s there. He broke up with me and told me he needed space after an argument. We were together 1 yr and we are living together now! I am leaving to a new place in 5 days and he will stay till the lease is done. Will NC work when I move? I have confident in it because he sees me everyday so he doesn’t feel the separation anxiety like I do. Please do a video about exes that live together for a period of time! NC is hard when you see them everyday.
I work with my avoidant ex, same office / department :) NC 3.5 months, u will be fine :) stay strong Teresa
The Avoidant loves who they are, does not change, dies alone. Oh Well.
The workbooks are an amazing blessing! They really help you to do the critical thinking and analyze your behavior and that of your partner/ex/family. Five stars! I like to keep going over them every so often to keep me on my toes.
Thank you for sharing your experience! ❤️
My avoidant girlfriend recently broke up with me after being together for 7 months. Not until I came across this channel did I realize that she fits the avoidant description to a tee. There has been no arguments and no issues between us so it just kinda hit me out of the blue. She goes to college full time and works full time and since she's gone back to school it seems she is constantly overwhelmed. When breaking up with me she said she can't be in a relationship right now because it's not fair to me that I'm giving 100% effort and she's only giving 25% effort. She said she's too overwhelmed right now and issues are coming up from her childhood that she has to deal with (she was abused as a child which explains the avoidant attachment). All in all I'm like well are we breaking up or are we still together? She says it's not black and white like that like you think it is she said how am I supposed to love you fully when I don't even love myself? She said I can't love myself and I need time to figure me out and figure how to deal with everything going on in life right now and figure what priorities I need to focus on. She says it's not like I never want to talk to you again. I'm like well I want a life with you I see you in my future and I want this to work out, she said I can't even see passed ten days from now how am I supposed to know what my future holds? So I'm like well what am I supposed to do just move on and forget about you? She said that's up to you I'm not going to ask you to wait for me that's not fair of me to ask of you I don't deserve that. Since then, which has been a week ago now, I've gone full no contact. So thank you Craig and Margaret I'm really enjoying all the information you have to give, and I hope to take this time to work on myself. I hope your right in saying that they come back though.
hows it going now for you dude?
Any updates on your situation? My ex told me almost the exact same thing a week ago. I'm still in NC.
Move on bro, you deserve better.
Working on the workbook now. It helps to ease the anxiety and has been eye opening to say the least. I'm confident that I will come out a better person due to this break up whether it's with my ex or not. I love her dearly, was with her for 7 great years and had spent years of self improvement before meeting her only to completely fall apart the last month of our relationship because I felt that she was leaving me. I had know idea that what I was feeling had nothing to do with her but, rather my anxious attachment had reared it's ugly head again. I became clingy, and smothering and she lost respect for me and finally shut me completely our of her life. She's an avoidant. I'm in no contact right now and I would be lying if I dint say I was fearful that she may be gone forever.
Axel Briggjern it’s been over 2 months of no contact and have not heard from her at all. It has gotten a lot easier as far as the constant pain goes. After a lot of therapy and thought I’ve now come to realize that our breakup had more to do with her than me and I deserve to have someone that won’t walk out on me. At this point I will not contact her. My self respect and worth is more than any relationship no matter who it is. Time and self improvement will begin to heal you. Hang in there and I promise you that if you stay the course in 2-3 months you will start to view and feel much different. Would I ever get back together with her? Not unless she committed to doing a whole lot of self improvement herself.
Axel Briggjern. You said it right there. Premeditated. That alone says everything. I often wonder if it was possible someone else that made her walk out but, then I remind myself that it doesn’t matter the worst had already happened and to keep trying to fill in the blanks of pointless. Hang in there...... I promise you it will her much better.
My 1st love was an avoidant dumped me for someone else ended up dating the other guy for 3 years he left her so she came back to me acting clingy and anxious because she had no where else to go but by that time I was talking to multiple women so I wasn’t gonna drop anything I had going for her her and her bf got back together again then she got dumped again by the same guy so she tried to come back to me again and yea I wasn’t having it. To much of a mess
It feels as tho they operate and manipulate and gas light and go ghost without impunity and when they return we are just supposed to accept it. I’ve also been told avoidants are promiscuous as that is the only language they speak. How is it ok to be sexually abusive (by with holding sex and affection for months) and mentally abusing their mate without any conscience?? It’s a difficult place to be and I’m secure
My ex broke up with me about a week and a half ago "bc she's been forcing it this whole time" even though she was the one to talk about having a life together and saying shes never loved someone so much. She made me believe she wanted a life with me.
She actually broke up with me over the summer time bc she "needed time to heal" and then she came back a month later.
And here we are again. Broken up again. But this time tells me she doesnt love me anymore. I find it so hard to believe though with all the things she said to me.
She is avoidant and I am anxious.
She lied to me a lot. And I bent over backwards for her.
She thanked me for showing her what real love is and thanked me for treating her so good.
I'm doing no contact. But im dying inside.
When she broke up with me a week and a half ago, she ghosted me for a week and then reached out. But when I asked her why she lied to me so much. And she stopped talking to me and is ghosting me again.
So im doing no contact.
Will she come back a 2nd time??
Why would you want her after lying? :) get angry, dont be so down, respect yourself 😁
@@vladradunyius5032 because i love her
@@vladradunyius5032 I dont want to let go. It breaks my heart
@@brittanydaniels7189 and i belive u, it is for me to tell you that, aa you would be easy to say the same to me. But try to go no contact, focus on yourself
The exact same thing happened to me. Any update?
My question is how do I get him to leave me alone? He chases then flakes. I am done but he keeps trying even when blocked
These video's are the only thing keeping me going at the moment.
Thank you.
My ex just never got it. I felt horrible for over 5 years and now I just want my peace.
I’m an anxious. My guy is a dismissive. He basically disappeared for 2 months which sent me into the mindset like I was being no contracted. When we did meet up again after his return I had a small smothering tantrum of “I know you need your space and I want that for you but I also missed you blah blah blah”. Long story short he did offer reassurance, hugged me and said he loved me, and then flighted. I didn’t know about attachment styles until after which opened my eyes about how my needs just smothered him into a very uncomfortable position. I did reach out 2 days later and apologize and explain I was reacting to my own issues and I know it made him uncomfortable. I know I need to give him space now because he explained he feels he lost himself and needs to work on himself to be able to be there for someone and focus on his structure and lectured me a bit on working on myself. I don’t know if he’s just distancing or ending the relationship. I know he cares and sees the worth but I don’t know if that means anything to him.
I believe my ex was an avoidant person, while I'm an anxious person. He left me once and quickly came back soon to leave me again it's been 2 months and I did let him know I'm a patient girl and I'm willing to wait for him. This NC is hard but it's the time where I need to better develop myself and my future if he decides to come back to me.
Trust me guys they do indeed come back.
He came back?
@@lili63js51 nope not yet
They definitely do come back. This is the second time we broke up. First time I reached out weeks later and we were back together 6 weeks later. This time I made the mistake to ask to talk multiple times for 2 weeks post break up before going NC. He then contacted me on day 28 of NC. We had nice light convo for a few days. As soon as I asked to talk in person, he shut down and didn’t answer. It’s been a week and I’m back in NC and won’t reach out unless he does. I wish I knew about attachment styles before all of this. I would know how to navigate things better. He is an Avoidant and I am secure turned Anxious.
Love Bug my ex started to like girls pictures and hea on tinder
Lili63 Js how long ago was the break up?
My ex and I broke up 6 weeks ago she said she needs to time to herself, but now she avoids me in school and she really hates me from the looks she gives me I did beg at first. Any tips on what to do?
Dont mind read, i am in the same situation, just move on.. Improve yourself, u are young it will be fine :)
could you do a video if anxious attachment style exes come back when they attach to someone new? i’m avoidant and my ex is anxious and our relationship ended from miscommunication on both sides. i feel like i’m the one chasing and he’s the one avoiding since he has a new girlfriend now.
Anxious can back, but you should be more proactive, active.. They are more attached to person
This is the difference anxiously attached people get attached deeply to someone so if you have pushed and hurt them and made them feel so insignificant and unloved. They will eventually find the courage to detach and once they attach with a new person. They will attached deeply its imposible to just hope they will come back. You have to pursue them real hard... ( I know... I have been one of them...)
An anxiously attached person is less likely to come back compared to an avoidant person. This is because the avoidant person will struggle to find someone new who will want to deal with their avoidance. An anxious person usually tries more than should and put lots of time, but when they finally had enough they'll find someone who gives them the attention they've wanted. Unless the avoidant person changes, the other person will be done for good.
@@reyr.7439 absolutely truee!!
What if they are dating someone else now? Someone they seem to be committed to very quickly. Can a DA change suddenly and with no therapy or work on their part? I feel so bad about myself. I was discarded twice and made to feel not good enough after 2 years. When its good, its good but when its bad, it is oh so painful.
I am anxious and he is currently ignoring me. Will he ever talk to me again? What can I do? I am so sad and depressed. I love him very much and the thought of him truly loving another is hurting me so bad. Why wasn't I good enough to love?
You're good enough absolutelly!! Just focus on yourself, work on your healing, be a better person and move on!! You deserve better!!❤️❤️
He doesn’t deserve you. You have feelings and are able to express them. You will be fine. Be aware of who you meet next time.
i ask myself always, how would the situation change if the person have borderline personality disorder also?
Most people who have borderline personality disorder are avoidant. They create the same hot and cold, push and pull cycles. Wanting to get close and then fearing it
Guys avoidants dont change! Better you work on yourself and be happy.
What are the characteristics or traits of an avoidant? I suspect that i am. But I'm still unsure.
Is there such a thing as an avoidant anxious person? I feel that I’m this way.
I am the one, it is called fearful avoidant. Read about it
Narcissist partners and avoidants will make a person a fearful avoidant. Just "avoid" avoidants and narcs, seek out stable secure partners and you'll start feeling better.
We are not fully one or the other just a mix b
Will my avoidant ex come back after I said bad things to him?
I've been asking for this video for weeks. Thanks Craig.
Then you’ll be excited to know we have been working for months on a product centered around healing attachment!
@@CoachCraigKenneth Any eta on it coach?
Not even close right now. I’d guess we are maybe halfway through? I only put out products if I am extremely happy with or proud of. So when that happens, or gets close, I’ll talk about it more.
@@CoachCraigKenneth Please do !!!!
@@CoachCraigKenneth what's the progress on this project Couch??
Yeah. That's a constructive message!!! (Avoidants) They are human, bcz of who they are, they deserve extra care and unconditional love what they had missed in their lives.
They dont deserve it. They should not date period
We are not a rehabilitation center or therapy. They need to work on themselves
@@SK-no2pp tottaly true!! If they're not work on their healing, just run run away!! Walk away:))
Hi Margaret & Craig. Thx for some amazing coachings. You’re the real deal. ❤️ I’m almost done with workbook 7 and it’s really ‘Heart Work’ finding the way home to myself. I feel that I’m slowly eaning a secure style knowing my history and learning to soothe my anxiety. 💪🦋
Great video!
Craig and Margaret - I’ve been a fan of your content for many years. Your insights have been so valuable and have helped me better understand the intricacies of personal relationships. This has to be one of my favourite videos. Never knew how much I needed this advice on how to have these important and meaningful conversations between anxious and avoidant partners. ♥️
I’m a FA and I was the one who was dumped. I certainly want her back so yeah we do care. It’s not our fault we are like this but it is our decision to change.
Excellent video coaches! Helps me understand myself, (Anxious) and my ex, (Avoidant) so much better! Through your channel I'm learning to control my anxiety and also appreciating where and why Avoidants are they way they are...it's opened a whole new door in ALL my relationships! Thank you so much!!!
You said on one video that they just say next and move on not your saying they come back Wichita is it?
wich is it talk to text?
My avoidant came back and I screwed things up
Will he come back again? 💔😞
Friends always tell me to move on, and go on to say how can you deal with someone like your ex. Truthfully, I’m the anxious person I want answers fast and it’s been a hell of a ride trying to understand him. He’s avoidant, before I would run after him. Working in mental health and child dev. has allowed me to understand that who he is roots back to his childhood. I don’t have the time and energy to explain it to others. I hope my ex comes back during this no contact period because I know we love each other but this just takes time. I’ve been focusing on myself and not control the outcome.
Hi Sandra! You and I sound like we have a similar background and current situation. If you’d like to chat, find me on Facebook
___+ 2::3::4::90::18::08::73::01...
After reestablishing a relationship maybe just
Talking even.. how do you bring up to your ex that they need to work on things too? I don’t know how i would
Tell him this is what
I think is going on... I believe is he avoidant.. therefore I think he will be reluctant and non believing that there is any way we can fix the problem.. is it one of those things that you just have to let them figure out that they need to Change on there Own?? Thanks for any tips
The Dynamics with this couple is totally opposite of the norm. It's usually a woman who's the fearful avoidant. But You're right, they do come back. Mine came back twice and it was a disaster both times. Fearful avoidants do not know how to love a man. The sooner you understand that and move on the sooner you'll find the right one for you. Fearful avoidants do not know how to love. It is not their fault but it is the reality. You did not break them, it's not your job to fix them. You can't. A good relationship should not be this much work.
That's sad. Your videos offer brilliant insight. Margaret is wicked smaht.
Coach Craig and coach Margaret are amazing! Keep up the awesome work. Love you all