If you are referring to a relationship, they should be cut off. But in life in general Narcissists can be easy to manipulate. When you MUST encounter these people (such as a workplace) planting seeds and making them feel like your ideas are their ideas can be very effective. Giving a few kind words to boost their ego works well also. Also, being blunt with them on occasion and calling them on their narcissism (when and if possible) can be highly effective in my experience.
Well first you have to be sure they’re a narcissist and don’t just have narcissistic tendencies. It’s so easy to just see the things that make them fit the bill and stamp them as a narcissist, or what have you, when in reality there’s a good portion of people that would be wrongly categorized. In fact this is kind of the big akilles heel of psychology; there’s simply too much overlap to categorize anyone. A narcissist is pretty much a psychopath, or a “normal” person, on paper. It’s all up to you to decide. The best you can do is to not take it personal. Realize that your interpretation of a situation is yours alone, that you are creating the problem, not them. Also, realize that you yourself, fundamentally, want to bring down other people to make you feel better about yourself. Then again, that’d make you a narcissist, right? The truth is despite mankinds achievements, we’re still as clueless as ever in matters of the soul. I think that’s what gives life meaning...
Of course that's another approach and stick to people who value you and make you feel good about yourself but I think it's important to know when you are being manipulated if that makes any sense because you know which people to steer clear of but what do you do when it's your family or the people you live with? It's alot easier to cut people who aren't that close to you out but it's a lot harder when it's your family, or your spouse. I mean it's your choice but it comes down to something if you actually do cut your family out. I mean, I am part of a narcissist group who I understand why people have had to leave their families and distance themselves esp when they do not respect your boundaries or you feel not safe but sometimes people get rid of family members when they are at the end of their teather because they don't want the difficult task of sitting down and talking, having the hard talk, sometimes it feels easier to walk away and the hardest thing to do which is unnatural for you is to do the talk and set a boundary
@@alcudiababe1 - Well said & you put into words exactly how I feel around my whole family- apart from my sweet enabling father. It is The Hardest thing when it is a whole family. Having read Ross Rosenburg's famous book ; I could empathise with the loss of his younger brother. This has happened to me with both younger GC's ; it feels like a wicked & evil contaminant has taken them over & who they once were is just no longer there. It is so horrendously tough. I only stay in touch cos of my sweet Dad but it is costing me; having ANY contact. The younger siblings are both now vile creatures & very cruel .
@@DoubleRainbows-fp6ih just see your father, set time aside to see your father, the boundary is then you can't come to social gatherings because of others but set time aside for him, hava a drink out with him, go to a coffee shop, have a bite, go to the cinema do whatever father and daughter things you can xxxxx
@@alcudiababe1 - I Trully wish it was that easy sweetheart. Mother has him completely under her Every move now. He now has dementia. He once taught diplomats languages!! That is why so am very very wary of going back there. I rely on Proverbs 2 & direction from God. I'm real grateful to you though & send back xx to you. 💜
Yea, but being kind and compassionate isn't just for them--it's more for us so we don't lose our own humanity. Being around emotional vampires can make one jaded, pessimistic, and irritable. Emotional vampires do what vampires do best: turn people. That's why one has to be aware and never lose the love or the light that they carry.
Well, compassionate doesnt mean that you have to give in to their demand, just to make clear in a nice way that you cannot work with him/her like that and that you would love to be around them if they throw away those dysfunctional attitudes. But if this doesnt work then let them be and distance yourself.... I have seen so far the narcissist and the "poor me" types, the latter is like always when homework is due or exams are coming he will tell me that he needs to hangout with me and then demand help for assingment or for exams...So i keep my distance with him because as much as i tried to push him in the way of self sufficiency he still doesnt understand that this is not okay...
It feels 10 times better to deal with them in kindness. It confuses them. A lot of the times it makes them feel like a bad person for mistreating someone who's nice to them. Dealing with them like that also keeps your mind at peace.
People usually say "hurt people hurt people", which can be, but sometimes people hurt others for the enjoyment of hurting others. Why not acknowledge evil exists and is on the attack?
Elsquire thank you for speaking the straight truth! There are effed up people out there who know they’re on bullsh**. There truly is a such thing as good people and bad people…people who are INTENTLY bad and they will tell you this themselves. Some people you just distance from, get away from them or them away from you. Period.
I have a friend(not) who calls 5 times a day with her problems and in 18 years she's never asked "how are you doing?" I've stopped taking her calls 97% of the time now. It works
Its OK for your boundaries to make others uncomfortable or unhappy. Your job is to protect yourself and keep yourself comfortable. Be solution oriented and end conversations/interactions until the emotional vampire is ready to discuss solutions. That is compassionate. It keeps their behavior from getting out of line so they don't have to feel regret or guilt for acting out on those blurred emotions. Shes excellent. Thank you!!
I was raised by a narcissist, I have developed immunity to emotional abuse. It took me years and I suffered a lot of psychological damage, but I have built up my defenses and no manipulator can touch me.
Rabbi Shlomo Shekelberg-Rubingoldstein Great to know...I am suffering panic disorder due to a damaging family...I haven't learned to cope with the situation
Rabbi Shlomo Shekelberg-Rubingoldstein tell me your attitude,words,gestures that works to address those vampire from sucking energy and life out of you
Here's my patented kick-ass solution for dealing with emotional vampires: boot them out of your life and forget about them forever. People don't change.
While that may be true for the majority of cases, to say that people don't change is to imply that the victim of emotional vampirism will always be a victim. Vampires don't stick around unless they have someone to feed on. So if the victims can put that destructive attitude behind them, it is my belief that the vampires can also change their offensive ways. Especially if they are left with no alternative in the face of a complete severing of that relationship. Have I seen this happen before ? No, and your solution is a great rule of thumb, but at the same time it's a little harsh because it doesn't allow for the possibility of change, for both sides.
Gabriel Weinberg Yeah, you make sense. I boot someone out of my life if they are nothing but a parasite, and I don't have any regrets about it. If I cross their path years later and I see they have changed their ways, so be it. But in my experience, I've never seen a leopard change it's spots, but anything's possible.
PatroniMeiSancti yea that's pretty much it. I mean I do think you should try to help them change if they are willing to put the work in and are trying too- especially if you see progress. However, some ppl aren't ready to change or don't want to yet or maybe don't want to at all. If they bring you down, you have the right to walk away and do what you need to for you. If they show up later and prove they have changed, then it's up to you if u want them in your life or not but I tend to give second chances.
I'm like a toxic magnet. I always let them invade my life but after watching this I'm going to cut them out or set boundaries. There really are so many inconsiderate, toxic people out there though... I can't understand how toxic people don't know they're toxic when people run for their lives every time they see them.
Am seriously tired of emotional vampires, narcissists, borderline personality disorder, abusers etc. They're like bed bugs in our society, easy to get in, hard to get rid of. These weirdos prey on others and the only thing any one can do is grab a back bone and walk away. These people (namely certain family members) drove me to try to take my own life due to abuse, manipulation, and pain. but I walked away. No more guilt, worry, shame, obligations to mental instability. Sounds crude but in reality not my problem. It's theirs and they can keep it. I no longer have the emotional capacity to care.
They get to be too much. I knew a flipper, she would ask for advice in these long emails, I was honest and told her what I thought. She hasn't written to me in email for three months. On Facebook she avoids me but keeps me. Sometimes people are so draining , they have to go.. Take care of you, :)
There really are people who blame others for all the pain in their life. They feel better by making others feel bad. They guilt trip and make you believe there's something wrong with you. And if you tolerate them, you will suffer from anxiety and depression. Set boundaries and be firm.
If you're someone that constantly complains about problems in your life that you aren't ready to fix, I think the best thing is to seek therapy for yourself. Friends and family are supportive to a degree, but they are not your therapist, and it is unfair for you to expect them to be.
Mary Holton it was maby figured or advised or suggested that this is not to be said, because it can and will enrage people with full blown NPD. Coworkers would be on the phone lines sorting out misperceptions all day long, a lot of people and their loved or close one's will be hurt and scapegoated in many ways just because of that one "mistake". Plus you never know who could be watching that explodes or is violent when they had "to much to drink."and somebody say what a viewer really" thinks is the wrong kind of response".😣😲☎️😔😟.
Mary Holton agreed. We are all wounded at some point. You don’t see us intentionally sabotaging people. They want someone that’ll forgive their every move. No thanks.
I agree all narcissists are evil , have narcissists at work causing chaos . Turning young naive 20 year olds into their flying monkeys. They are unbelievers of Jesus Christ, makes it easier for evil to fall into the trap of evil. I dated a narcissist at one time and knew signs of one. Went no contact with narcissist , but still tried to get a reaction out of me, by accusing me of lies. Asked to be moved to another area, but still have to see narcissist at work. At least I don't have to work with them anymore. Wonder how long flying monkeys working with her will be able to tolerate it? Pray for them, even though I don't speak to them. Peace and God Bless.🙏☺💝
You're right it can be evil indeed when they do it knowingly. Did you know they also sometimes do it unconscious? I used to have a friend that always puts the topic of conversation towards things he finds particularly interesting but once the topic shifts to something i find more interesting he wouldn't give much more input, so the convo dies in that direction. He then goes back to his own interests again. He also wants to come across as knowledgeable so he lectures and he also is argumentative a lot about things other people don't really care for, yet he has endless energy to keep debating. Needless to say it was pretty tiresome to hangout with him. None the less i would not classify him as evil, but i still had to cut ties
Haven't we all been "emotional vampires" at points in our lives? It would be one thing if you were like this all of the time, but what if someone is going through some grief, etc. You might have to set boundaries...."protect yourself" more during those times because people can be "a downer" when they are down, right? A lot of folks already know they are "sucking energy" when feeling this way, so they are also likely isolating and it can make it a catch 22. "Never tell a controller what to do." Great advice!
Work to escape, without giving them clues of it. I use to try and fix the situation and fight them for my rights, its a never ending battle better to just cut your losses and let them implode by themselves.
I've just lived with a "Narcissest " Emotional vampire and I'm literally collapsing with exhaustion. I am a really positive person , but he's controlling me and sucking the energy right out of me.
I agree so far except for the fact that you can’t rationalize with a narcissistic person. It’s not “hey you’re out of line and you have to repeat my boundaries too” because they’ll flip it and say, “no you’re out of line because telling me I’m out of line is rude.”
Best book I've ever read on this subject is, 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans. These personalities can culminate into one big abusive person . . . lived like this for 26 years but no more : )
I have gone NO CONTACT , including quitting two jobs, with 4 friends, 3 girlfriends, 2 sisters, 1 father and 1 wife. And I won't back down. And I'll stand my ground. (Thank you, Tom Petty.). They can keep the real estate, I own my soul. REALLY these bastards are NOT missed.
I like your approach to managing these behaviors, I think honestly everyone has a little emotional vampire in them and so if you leave people or people leave you based on that, you'll probably be alone, but we can learn how to bring out the best qualities in people and discourage the harmful. Thanks!
...due to my own childhood wounding I have definitely been each one of these at some point in my life. its so hard and humbling to make self aware of my behaviours. they really did serve to "protect" me in a dysfunctional way at that time....not sure how that works! lol anyhow, i am aware of this all and working to fix it.....sorry to all the folk i hurt along the way. i am embarrassed and ashamed of my behaviour but at the same time i have to remember to have compassion for the wounded little girl within me who didn't know any better.....hugs to her xo
I know my comment is 4 months behind, just want to say how great that you have self awareness and are willing to work on being a better person. Being able to admit it is a big step. Best wishes.
I'm dealing with a third woman narc in work over 12 year period .I'm exhausted the last two years .They are above me in work .The general manager nice not them .The last two years I wake up wrecked every day.These people who thrive on picking on people in work place should not be employed by companies.We all have one life to enjoy.they are enjoying abusing there power in work place.Glad to see your reformed.wish you could educate some people for me.
You know, I never really believed in the whole "Energies" thing, but after my sister visited yesterday ... It felt like she drained all of the good energy that was in the atmosphere and totally drained everyone. lately i've felt exhausted. I didnt even really talk to her that much, just her being her was terrible. I need some garlic! Garlic people GARLIC AND A CROSS!
my narcissistic husband after 9 years, l was barely able to crawl out, away to safety..they leave a empty spot on your soul. these types should not marry ever, there's no point, marriage is love and wanting to make your spouse happy, they do the very opposite.
Narcissists view people as supply, what they can get from the next victim, money, social status, anything that they can view as getting their way. I once had my narcissist boyfriend tell me I'm not with you for your money, and I had the what??!! thought process but then he quickly said he loved me and not to listen to anybody who is trying to say otherwise. Really, I should have had a light bulb moment and twigged but I just smiled and said OK but only now thinking about it, looking back I understand completely. They don't love, they use people and think in terms of what can I get out of this - which funnily enough relates to what Julie said "frame it in terms of how it benefits them." if you have to deal with them...
Feeling Sexy I absolutely agree with you because I am married to a narcissist for three years and he is trying to make me go crazy to the point that I I was losing my mind. They Leave you alone in the worst condition is or when you most need them, i’m trying to leave but he closes every exit for me to actually called out off this sick relationship..
I’ve known my best friend since high school, she’s was already emotionally crybaby but it wasn’t draining. It was fine until we graduated high school she started tell me that she’s having “new world ending problems” and if I tell her something that’s been bothering me or I’m excited about something, we either talk about it for two seconds or she brushes it off like it nothing. I’m almost at the point where I’m furious at how selfish she can be towards me and sad because she’s one of the few people I’ve ever met that truly understands me too.
Oh you can recognize them once you KNOW them! Be careful if your in the dating world watch for men/ women that are “to nice” to charming, to good to be true types! The are baiting you! They do not respect or acknowledge “boundaries so don’t even explain your “boundaries just enforce them.... love yourself and stand your ground! Don’t share with them ! Don’t try to fix them! Just do you!
Spot on. For one thing, their behavior itself can be considered toxic. Calling people "vampires" is dehumanizing the aggressor, which is failing or refusing to recognize that all people are capable of abuse. They talk about "managing" them; which means taking control or conquering them. Justify the use of emotional violence against people who are doing it to you will only lead to more conflict and you'll end up being just as evil as the people you're fighting against. There are three pillars of non violent communication. Self-empathy, empathy and honest self-expression. Self-empathy means feeling good about the good things in you and forgive yourself for the bad things in you; the root of toxic behavior starts with self-judgement. There's this misconception that this violence against yourself is necessary to make you strong; that's how we're raised. In reality it's making us frustrated and weaker. The better you become at being emphatic with yourself, the easier it becomes to be more emphatic in general; being forgiving and understanding towards other people's flaws as well as feeling good for the things they are great at. Then finally, being able to express yourself authentically about your thoughts and feelings; which is likely to inspire others to be more compassionate themselves. Those three things are not easy to do; at least not for me. But when you really put your mind to it, you can become a beacon of positive energy and you won't have to worry about feeling drained.
noxure well said andspot on. Thank you. Love is easy on your emotional wallet. Hate bankrupts youremotional wallet. Which is why humans have festivals, when we feel as one with our family , neighborhood, country etc. We fill our emotional wallets on Christmas or diwali.
killer! Try adding more vitamin D to your diet. Clean water and lots of sunshine will aid optimistic, cheerful happiness. Toxic people do not get enough sunshine; need more vitamin D to combat toxic behavior.
3:57-4:07 Julie nailed it right there. That's where you realise she actually knows what she's talking about. I agree we all have the right to decide whether we want to manage, distance from or cut toxic people off of our lives.
I hadn't realized this type of behavior was acknowledged by other people. THANK YOU for this brilliant and straight forward discussion. The information is priceless when dealing with these people.
I don't think Julie is talking just about narcissists here, I can be labelled as the poor me person but with me because Ive never seen it as a form of manipulation or been referred to it as an emotional vampire, I was offended and a little hurt because I don't mean to drain anybodies energy, if I'm upset, I will want a friend to talk to and I find I will say, "yes, but" if I'm actually trying to make a point, it's like someone has got a wrong impression of me and I want to correct them "yes but.." and then saying what I want to say but I will say I don't like feeling stuck in a rut, if someone was prepared to work with me to find solutions I'd appreciate that, but I don't think of myself as a bad person, people label the poor me with so much stigma but it's usually that look you get of people, people who care about you and it shows they have a heart, not that they are suddenly not going to bother with you because that would hurt
Love this video. Have discovered one category is missing - the passive-aggressive personality - they control things by being indirect and creating chaos and they don't see how their actions impact others (looks a bit like a lack of empathy?)...no direct control is obvious but if you take the time to carefully observe, then the controlling becomes more visible. My brother and his wife are like this. When trying to plan a get together they never state concrete specifics making it impossible to come to a compromise or even to adapt to their wishes, since they don't state their wishes in advance even when asked repeatedly; we are thereby forced to make some decisions without their imput and then they change everything by being late, saying they were not told at what time lunch would be, etc.... this really is "crazy making" and causes chaos. Could really use some pointers for this type.
I knew an emotional vampire, he was a complete loser who had no control over his own life. So he tried to control other people's lives to feel like a man. He is a living joke til today
slidejones, you have perfectly described a real piece of work I used to know called DF. Completely cut this person out of my life, but 5 years later he is still blaming me and everyone else for his shortcomings.
My mom is all four... and I have to live with her right now .. 😃I’m healing the hell out of my wounds so that I no longer have to put anyone through this type of emotional trauma!!!
You have to limit your contact with anybody who leaves you feeling drained. These people feed off of you and never stop. Set boundaries but avoid these people. It's best to just not be around them.
I unfortunately became friends with one in my uni program who is all of the above and he finally revealed his splitter side when I got frustrated with him about his behaviours which led to the falling out. He went from calling me a "Leader" and a "Good guy" to telling me to delete his number off my phone, telling me our friendship never existed, and telling me I never helped him whatsoever, even though he asked me for help on a daily basis and I tested him to prepare for tests/exams, lent him my shoes, lent him pencil and paper, and most importantly, lent him an ear to listen to his every word. He told me that he didn't think I would have the strength to get myself off drugs if I had tried them in the first place as he did. These days, I encounter him in the change-room (it's a dance program) but we do not speak a word to each other and that's exactly how I want it. The daily conflicts with no resolution in sight were terribly upsetting but there's a first time for everything, I suppose.
Katrena Shields...SPOT ON. If you are able to leave a person like this and cut them out of your life, expect that they will slander you until the end of days to anyone who will stand still long enough for them to think they are listening.
Well, that's a hard one, but with coordinated actions you can assert your boundaries or at least try to assert them. If still they dont respect those boundaries then only solution is to move to your own house. I have a similar situation with my parents and i cannot really assert my boundaries while staying in this house(they usually use the logic "I am paying the rent, so i can do anything with you/your belongings" mentallity...So if they seem to not respect your boundaries try moving and living on your own
tape recording an ah@!3 is a great thing. you get it on tape to validate that they are being a messed up person to you and there is no more denying it and it is validated at least for yourself. besides that get away from these people ruining your existence if at all possible. i quit a job where the person i was working for was all these types rolled into one. the person who replaced me bought a tape recorder. genius!
With the Splitter, the term for what Julie is trying to explain is called triangulation. It's happened in my family between my Nan and her sister in law's daughter in law, the middle person who was reporting to the other keeping my Nan against her daughter in Law was an Aunt and for a few years now, we have realised the extent of the damage my Aunt has done because she kept both our families apart and there is a lot of bitter feelings about her.
i think some people feel this because they might be around someone who is down/depressed. instead of giving compassion they get drained. i dont think vampires all do it on purpose. if you are aware abundance is around you, you arent effected by this at all.
Excellent!!! best stuff Ive heard in years, best coping skills. geeze, do you practice near me? sign me up. sadly at this point Im angry!! mostly because Im physically ill, no surprise my vampire is waiting for me to get better. my question, if a short answer is possible? when do you know you just cant continue with relationship? ( family sadly) Becauae I feel like striking back verbally. im a very warm loving person, not shocked by the vampires actions, just drained. thanks
i was friends with a controller!!!! yeah not fun but i was at the point where i could take it anymore so i stop being friends with this person and now have my " life back" if you will
One of my friends is a controller and it was really terribly emotionally draining. He would even told me how I should talk or do. It did get me, making me questioning myself all the time. But later I know that it's really not my problem, it's theirs.
I feel like when I am not coping well or stressed I can have some of the traits of an emotional vampire. I really want to work on this! It never feels good after I react this way with someone. Blah
I would love to hear some of Julie's solutions to dealing with passive aggressive victim types, who are often late, don't respect time in general (eg. its May and I want to make mutual plans for July by June 1st but they dont respond to email till June 20th), frequently want assistance with something because they are out of time (due to their lack of internal priority boundries), etc.... would love Julie's advice...
Cal EuXX I love that you mentioned the “lack of internal priority boundaries”. My ex was very passive aggressive but it’s so hard to pin point because you feel like you’re the crazy one. He would act like I was being bossy when suggesting on better time management strategy but he didn’t want to listen because he wanted to make plans his way. He wouldn’t fully disclose information so I would always be in the dark or I would ask for him to be on time (all that I wanted from him when going on a trip) but he would say he would try but couldn’t promise. Then become upset saying that I was setting him up for failure since I asked him his time management strategy. Ie what time are you going to leave yours? Did you pack? Basic questions. Then ignoring the fact that they were late and when you mention that you’re upset they yell at you because you’re the one upset. Repeated cycle. Oh, I forgot to tell you when I’m coming. Go ahead without me. Even though you text to inform them. I often felt like I was parenting but I’m the bad one because I was “checking in”...
I remember that I said to a family member that she brings up the same drama many times. I said "...no offense" but she got offensive and making me guilty. Like can I just say I can't deal with your drama because I am also dealing with my own drama???
As a social vampire I say this to all all mentally weak people - try to tame and maintain the balance and control,person can be strong himself,doesnt need to be a weak one to be a social vampire.
This was very interesting. A person is describing to us the concept of a psychic vampire. It sounds good but the tragedy is that the vampire lies within. Other people are nothing more that triggers to start a process that causes us to go within to access memory that triggers a biochemical response that makes us experience a specific emotion. We are therefore our own vampires. This woman is telling us more about herself than about the ...so called vampires.
Dr. Hanks, do you know about a study done by Yale or Harvard in the past few years where they concluded that 1 in 25 people are narcissists? I may have the incorrect universities, but I watched a long video about it and cannot find it.
If I talk with someone, I notice I’m zooning out. It’s a big wave of fatigue coming over me, and I get dizzy and holding eyecontact is impossible. With other people, I just feel calm, and have no problem with eye contact. Just to be clear, physical «attractivnes» has nothing to do with it, so it’s not because they are so beautiful that I get stressed,
Emotional vampires are good people going thru a bad emotional phase , and they seek you out as a cry for help , hoping that you have a cure for their pain. If you cringe or avoid them, its OK , cause you don't have the knowhow to help them out, and save their time and yours also, so that they can begin look elsewhere. Although these emotional vampires look menacing , if you try hard, you can see that they are little crying babies. Don't worry , be happy.
You have no idea what you're talking about. Vampires are not just going through a bad emotional phase, unless you consider someone "going through a phase" when they repeat the same habitual patterns from 8 to 80.
Depends on the type of emotional vampire. I'm familiar with those with HPD, and they will simply not accept anything they percieve as criticism. They will not accept that it is them who have a fault. So, they will etither excuse it, diminish it or blame someone else, most likely you. If you persist, they may interpret your criticism as if you were saying "I hate you" and react accordingly, make a huge heartbreaking scene, as they are the perpetual actors. However, any disorder is really a scale, and rarely anybody is at 100%. Meaning, they have this issue to a certain extent, so you could get to them, or whatever normacy still remains in their mind. But you must take into account who they are, understand who they are and how they think, and then adopt your communication accordingly. And you'll have a chance. But really, an HPD would see the video and never realize it's about them.
they won't because the reason they are "vampires" is they don't realize it. it's very common for somebody to have been a vampire, unknowingly, with respect to someone else. now if it's a long-term thing, and if they've been told, that's different.. that's just right out a narcissistic attitude.
It will cause them to get mad, believe me, they think they are perfect it's why especially overt narcissists have such big heads. You will find they don't want to change they like who they actually are, and they hate people who expose them and if you are ever fearing for your safety then it's extremely best not to...
Julie Hanks, I felt like you gave me energy from watching this video because I feel more empowered on how to deal with family of energy vampires. Thanks
My brothers involvement with one destroyed him and our family. This video is compassionate, but unrealistic. It only goes so far in dealing with a severely ill narc/borderline person. I recently moved cross-country for many reasons, but one of them was to put real distance from the hell we all went through. My brother doesn't know where I now live because of it all.
Those are that type of person that won't leave you alone when you send out the message you prefer not to be bothered. I have a schedule and when I am around these people I get physically sick
and my sister says well your not listening to me i have to listen to every word she says but when its my turn to talk she interups me then she says see your not listening to me again so how do i go about that situation can we still help them out or what should i help her with?
And getting a sane and rational person mixed up with a nutcase is a problem too, particularly on the Internet where people just talk without even getting their facts straight. I know when I am dealing with a person who is crazy. Everybody who is right in their mind knows what it is like to deal with a normal person. Coming from the Internet to find me offline without invitation is not a sign of a sane and rational person, well, not to me at least. Being too friendly can lead to problems.
Narcissists, who target your vulnerabilities and attacking you with demeaning comments and criticism and manipulation are emotionally dangerous; they are evil.
I think the dual-parasite model in "Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz is the best I've found in describing how this can happen, although I do think it is possible to move beyond dreaming and be awake with a useful, rather than antagonistic, mind. Actually that is how I live, for the most part, and there is even more to being mentally awake, that I'm working to discover and develop. On the other hand, some people are intentionally malicious, and not just because they are broken in some way.
I lived with a malevolent narcissist for several years. The thing is, I didn't feel drained because of the adrenaline coursing through me! However, I was later diagnosed with the lack-of-energy medical condition ME!
This is a very good segment, it gives a lot of constructive advice for handling different kinds of people in your life that can be draining, and in many cases are completely unaware of it. Thanks for posting!
if you have a family member who is splitting (bpd) and you want to help them because you know they're a good person, how would you go about helping them?
First thing, like she said, don't become too emotionally involved, and don't enter their game. Keep your boundaries, show some stability and maybe try to address the issue when their spirit is calm, to see how they react ? are they ready to talk about it, maybe they'd like to do something ? maybe not ? remember it's not YOUR issue, you should stay neutral about it, else both may become co-dependent even if they are willing to change.
A schemer, that is another type. One minute they are grinning in your face like a cheshire cat, the next they are looking to stab you in your back. I am no mental health expert, but dealing with it is enough to put me off. No, I do not want to deal with nutcases coming into my home as they please, sneaking around at night. And some people are just nuts. No way to negotiate with a nutter. You chat to a person online, suddenly they want to know your whole life history. Some people are dangerous.
Thank u for this interview. I have a question my doctor is an energy vampire, could I tell him to help me and suggest another doctor to help me and tell him that I feel that my energy is vampired ? Do u think this is a good idea or not
Irony of ironies, my former friend is a Family Therapist! She was the "Controller", as stated in the video. And, an emotionally draining "vampire sucker" who would say one thing and do another. I did agree and sympathize with her problems though within the educational system as she tried to obtain her degree. It's surprising that we can churn out psychologists within an educational system that is racist and discriminatory.
I don’t understand why they keep saying not to ignore these kind of people. If you have the choice to run in the opposite direction, why spend your energy on such toxic people that are incansable of accepting help.
not saying there's no truth in this and a few other "EV beware" vids I've viewed, but some age old adages start coming to mind such as: "takes one to know one" and "water rises to it's own level" I know when I am in a good space and enjoying my day, (week, month) I seem to attract same.
There are a lot of valid points here. Actually, grandparents are master manipulators if you think about it.lol when they say stuff like, "your gonna break my heart" or " you trying to give me a stroke". Control is control. "Do unto others" as you would have done unto yourself is a good rule to live by. If you stick around when someone makes you feel bad its either because you think you have nowhere else to go, or because someone has lied to you and is trying to make you crazy. Which is a great reason to FIND a way out. As for manipulating people to get your 2 minute kicks..that makes someone a predator. its whats in a manipulative sociopaths nature to get the little dose of validation he/she needs to go on another day. It is sad and since god gave us free will you can choose to improve as a member of our species..or not. Either way, no person deserves to fell less than human. When you are about to act just think first. You might as well, cuz if you hurt another, they are hurt either way, and now you can get twice the sick satisfaction of being a master lowlife and maybe take a day off to pat yourself on the back and spare a coupke victims a week from such hateful insensitivity. Cuz you are so awesome at being cruel. Hey, just saying , 2 out of three on the triad aint bad. the punishers of strangers are limited until they open their eyes and see that they have so much , all this power, and no purpose to improve the world really., you want to make the world better, well, stop making it worse.
You can't "manage" a narcissist. They have to be cut off.
but sometimes they are your boss...and you sadly need this job for now. oh my...
I agree..you cannot !
Agree!
If you are referring to a relationship, they should be cut off.
But in life in general Narcissists can be easy to manipulate. When you MUST encounter these people (such as a workplace) planting seeds and making them feel like your ideas are their ideas can be very effective. Giving a few kind words to boost their ego works well also.
Also, being blunt with them on occasion and calling them on their narcissism (when and if possible) can be highly effective in my experience.
Well first you have to be sure they’re a narcissist and don’t just have narcissistic tendencies. It’s so easy to just see the things that make them fit the bill and stamp them as a narcissist, or what have you, when in reality there’s a good portion of people that would be wrongly categorized. In fact this is kind of the big akilles heel of psychology; there’s simply too much overlap to categorize anyone. A narcissist is pretty much a psychopath, or a “normal” person, on paper. It’s all up to you to decide.
The best you can do is to not take it personal. Realize that your interpretation of a situation is yours alone, that you are creating the problem, not them. Also, realize that you yourself, fundamentally, want to bring down other people to make you feel better about yourself. Then again, that’d make you a narcissist, right?
The truth is despite mankinds achievements, we’re still as clueless as ever in matters of the soul. I think that’s what gives life meaning...
Nope, I don't want to manage those people. They drain me to where they're hurting me. They can get out of my life.
Of course that's another approach and stick to people who value you and make you feel good about yourself but I think it's important to know when you are being manipulated if that makes any sense because you know which people to steer clear of but what do you do when it's your family or the people you live with? It's alot easier to cut people who aren't that close to you out but it's a lot harder when it's your family, or your spouse. I mean it's your choice but it comes down to something if you actually do cut your family out. I mean, I am part of a narcissist group who I understand why people have had to leave their families and distance themselves esp when they do not respect your boundaries or you feel not safe but sometimes people get rid of family members when they are at the end of their teather because they don't want the difficult task of sitting down and talking, having the hard talk, sometimes it feels easier to walk away and the hardest thing to do which is unnatural for you is to do the talk and set a boundary
Yep ! Get the hell out !! I dont need them or their abuse !!
@@alcudiababe1 - Well said & you put into words exactly how I feel around my whole family- apart from my sweet enabling father. It is The Hardest thing when it is a whole family. Having read Ross Rosenburg's famous book ; I could empathise with the loss of his younger brother. This has happened to me with both younger GC's ; it feels like a wicked & evil contaminant has taken them over & who they once were is just no longer there. It is so horrendously tough. I only stay in touch cos of my sweet Dad but it is costing me; having ANY contact. The younger siblings are both now vile creatures & very cruel
.
@@DoubleRainbows-fp6ih just see your father, set time aside to see your father, the boundary is then you can't come to social gatherings because of others but set time aside for him, hava a drink out with him, go to a coffee shop, have a bite, go to the cinema do whatever father and daughter things you can xxxxx
@@alcudiababe1 - I Trully wish it was that easy sweetheart. Mother has him completely under her Every move now. He now has dementia. He once taught diplomats languages!! That is why so am very very wary of going back there. I rely on Proverbs 2 & direction from God. I'm real grateful to you though & send back xx to you. 💜
Being kind and compassionate with them never works. Better to be firm and straight with them.
Yea, but being kind and compassionate isn't just for them--it's more for us so we don't lose our own humanity. Being around emotional vampires can make one jaded, pessimistic, and irritable. Emotional vampires do what vampires do best: turn people. That's why one has to be aware and never lose the love or the light that they carry.
Well, compassionate doesnt mean that you have to give in to their demand, just to make clear in a nice way that you cannot work with him/her like that and that you would love to be around them if they throw away those dysfunctional attitudes. But if this doesnt work then let them be and distance yourself.... I have seen so far the narcissist and the "poor me" types, the latter is like always when homework is due or exams are coming he will tell me that he needs to hangout with me and then demand help for assingment or for exams...So i keep my distance with him because as much as i tried to push him in the way of self sufficiency he still doesnt understand that this is not okay...
Shane C that’s how I used to feel, and I tried this but after 6 years of this person I realize that it’s just not gonna work for me.
It feels 10 times better to deal with them in kindness. It confuses them. A lot of the times it makes them feel like a bad person for mistreating someone who's nice to them. Dealing with them like that also keeps your mind at peace.
@@Lynn-ip9sh I don’t think they can ever self reflect and feel like a bad person.
People usually say "hurt people hurt people", which can be, but sometimes people hurt others for the enjoyment of hurting others. Why not acknowledge evil exists and is on the attack?
exactly. I don't believe those people are wounded.
sociopaths
Elsquire thank you for speaking the straight truth! There are effed up people out there who know they’re on bullsh**. There truly is a such thing as good people and bad people…people who are INTENTLY bad and they will tell you this themselves. Some people you just distance from, get away from them or them away from you. Period.
I have a friend(not) who calls 5 times a day with her problems and in 18 years she's never asked "how are you doing?" I've stopped taking her calls 97% of the time now. It works
my god, emotional vampires are why therapists are required to have their own therapists
Its OK for your boundaries to make others uncomfortable or unhappy. Your job is to protect yourself and keep yourself comfortable. Be solution oriented and end conversations/interactions until the emotional vampire is ready to discuss solutions. That is compassionate. It keeps their behavior from getting out of line so they don't have to feel regret or guilt for acting out on those blurred emotions. Shes excellent. Thank you!!
I was raised by a narcissist, I have developed immunity to emotional abuse. It took me years and I suffered a lot of psychological damage, but I have built up my defenses and no manipulator can touch me.
Rabbi Shlomo Shekelberg-Rubingoldstein that’s called preconditioned
Rabbi Shlomo Shekelberg-Rubingoldstein, how do you deal with manipulators?
Rabbi Shlomo Shekelberg-Rubingoldstein
Great to know...I am suffering panic disorder due to a damaging family...I haven't learned to cope with the situation
Rabbi Shlomo Shekelberg-Rubingoldstein tell me your attitude,words,gestures that works to address those vampire from sucking energy and life out of you
Yes I finally learned to cut them off. No, ifs, ands, or buts... that's it the relationship is over.
Here's my patented kick-ass solution for dealing with emotional vampires: boot them out of your life and forget about them forever. People don't change.
While that may be true for the majority of cases, to say that people don't change is to imply that the victim of emotional vampirism will always be a victim. Vampires don't stick around unless they have someone to feed on. So if the victims can put that destructive attitude behind them, it is my belief that the vampires can also change their offensive ways. Especially if they are left with no alternative in the face of a complete severing of that relationship. Have I seen this happen before ? No, and your solution is a great rule of thumb, but at the same time it's a little harsh because it doesn't allow for the possibility of change, for both sides.
Gabriel Weinberg
Yeah, you make sense. I boot someone out of my life if they are nothing but a parasite, and I don't have any regrets about it. If I cross their path years later and I see they have changed their ways, so be it. But in my experience, I've never seen a leopard change it's spots, but anything's possible.
not true! people do change and I know people who have...but I do agree that you do have to watch out for yourself and cut ppl out if u need to
Kimmehface Boot them out of your life....until they change?
PatroniMeiSancti yea that's pretty much it. I mean I do think you should try to help them change if they are willing to put the work in and are trying too- especially if you see progress. However, some ppl aren't ready to change or don't want to yet or maybe don't want to at all. If they bring you down, you have the right to walk away and do what you need to for you. If they show up later and prove they have changed, then it's up to you if u want them in your life or not but I tend to give second chances.
I'm like a toxic magnet. I always let them invade my life but after watching this I'm going to cut them out or set boundaries. There really are so many inconsiderate, toxic people out there though... I can't understand how toxic people don't know they're toxic when people run for their lives every time they see them.
Ty98ink same. I attract weirdos, negative and using (generally bad) people.
Ty98ink completely agree. How many people need to wipe their hands of these people before they realise it's THEM not everyone else
They don't care, they are users and they will use anyone that gives them a chance.
This includes some people in your family.
Right I’m on the same page with you.
Am seriously tired of emotional vampires, narcissists, borderline personality disorder, abusers etc. They're like bed bugs in our society, easy to get in, hard to get rid of. These weirdos prey on others and the only thing any one can do is grab a back bone and walk away. These people (namely certain family members) drove me to try to take my own life due to abuse, manipulation, and pain. but I walked away. No more guilt, worry, shame, obligations to mental instability. Sounds crude but in reality not my problem. It's theirs and they can keep it. I no longer have the emotional capacity to care.
They get to be too much. I knew a flipper, she would ask for advice in these long emails, I was honest and told her what I thought. She hasn't written to me in email for three months. On Facebook she avoids me but keeps me. Sometimes people are so draining , they have to go.. Take care of you, :)
So proud of you for moving away! Hope you're in a happy space now :)
There really are people who blame others for all the pain in their life. They feel better by making others feel bad. They guilt trip and make you believe there's something wrong with you. And if you tolerate them, you will suffer from anxiety and depression. Set boundaries and be firm.
As a recovering emotional vampire, I understand how I'm only destroying my life and my relationships by acting like this.
mpekim, what is it that you think you do to people?
Think of all those you hurt and abused.
If you are an emotional vampire drink from the living water, feed of the God of the Bible, you will not have thirst again.
How did you realize you where one?? And how do you recover??
If you're someone that constantly complains about problems in your life that you aren't ready to fix, I think the best thing is to seek therapy for yourself. Friends and family are supportive to a degree, but they are not your therapist, and it is unfair for you to expect them to be.
Agreed!
I disagree. Some narcissists are evil.
Mary Holton it was maby figured or advised or suggested that this is not to be said, because it can and will enrage people with full blown NPD. Coworkers would be on the phone lines sorting out misperceptions all day long, a lot of people and their loved or close one's will be hurt and scapegoated in many ways just because of that one "mistake". Plus you never know who could be watching that explodes or is violent when they had "to much to drink."and somebody say what a viewer really" thinks is the wrong kind of response".😣😲☎️😔😟.
Mary Holton agreed. We are all wounded at some point. You don’t see us intentionally sabotaging people. They want someone that’ll forgive their every move. No thanks.
All
I agree all narcissists are evil , have narcissists at work causing chaos . Turning young naive 20 year olds into their flying monkeys. They are unbelievers of Jesus Christ, makes it easier for evil to fall into the trap of evil. I dated a narcissist at one time and knew signs of one. Went no contact with narcissist , but still tried to get a reaction out of me, by accusing me of lies. Asked to be moved to another area, but still have to see narcissist at work. At least I don't have to work with them anymore. Wonder how long flying monkeys working with her will be able to tolerate it? Pray for them, even though I don't speak to them. Peace and God Bless.🙏☺💝
All are evil! The narcissist is ALWAYS THE VICTIM LOL
She says they are not evil, they are just trying to suck your life force....Hmm, that sounds like a pretty good description of evil to me.
You're right it can be evil indeed when they do it knowingly. Did you know they also sometimes do it unconscious? I used to have a friend that always puts the topic of conversation towards things he finds particularly interesting but once the topic shifts to something i find more interesting he wouldn't give much more input, so the convo dies in that direction. He then goes back to his own interests again. He also wants to come across as knowledgeable so he lectures and he also is argumentative a lot about things other people don't really care for, yet he has endless energy to keep debating. Needless to say it was pretty tiresome to hangout with him. None the less i would not classify him as evil, but i still had to cut ties
Haven't we all been "emotional vampires" at points in our lives? It would be one thing if you were like this all of the time, but what if someone is going through some grief, etc. You might have to set boundaries...."protect yourself" more during those times because people can be "a downer" when they are down, right? A lot of folks already know they are "sucking energy" when feeling this way, so they are also likely isolating and it can make it a catch 22. "Never tell a controller what to do." Great advice!
And if the person is a Narcissistic Victim Controlling Splitter, sometimes the only healthy choice is to go no contact......
Work to escape, without giving them clues of it. I use to try and fix the situation and fight them for my rights, its a never ending battle better to just cut your losses and let them implode by themselves.
Having healthy boundaries yet emotional vampires are attracted to me. This helps so so much. Thank you.
I've just lived with a "Narcissest " Emotional vampire and I'm literally collapsing with exhaustion. I am a really positive person , but he's controlling me and sucking the energy right out of me.
So wonderful to finally realize whose an energy vampire and limit my time with them.
I agree so far except for the fact that you can’t rationalize with a narcissistic person. It’s not “hey you’re out of line and you have to repeat my boundaries too” because they’ll flip it and say, “no you’re out of line because telling me I’m out of line is rude.”
Respect* my boundaries
This is a video all empaths should watch.
Best book I've ever read on this subject is, 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans. These personalities can culminate into one big abusive person . . . lived like this for 26 years but no more : )
Good for you, your free!
I have gone NO CONTACT , including quitting two jobs, with 4 friends, 3 girlfriends, 2 sisters, 1 father and 1 wife. And I won't back down. And I'll stand my ground. (Thank you, Tom Petty.). They can keep the real estate, I own my soul. REALLY these bastards are NOT missed.
I like your approach to managing these behaviors, I think honestly everyone has a little emotional vampire in them and so if you leave people or people leave you based on that, you'll probably be alone, but we can learn how to bring out the best qualities in people and discourage the harmful. Thanks!
...due to my own childhood wounding I have definitely been each one of these at some point in my life. its so hard and humbling to make self aware of my behaviours. they really did serve to "protect" me in a dysfunctional way at that time....not sure how that works! lol anyhow, i am aware of this all and working to fix it.....sorry to all the folk i hurt along the way. i am embarrassed and ashamed of my behaviour but at the same time i have to remember to have compassion for the wounded little girl within me who didn't know any better.....hugs to her xo
I know my comment is 4 months behind, just want to say how great that you have self awareness and are willing to work on being a better person. Being able to admit it is a big step. Best wishes.
I'm dealing with a third woman narc in work over 12 year period .I'm exhausted the last two years .They are above me in work .The general manager nice not them .The last two years I wake up wrecked every day.These people who thrive on picking on people in work place should not be employed by companies.We all have one life to enjoy.they are enjoying abusing there power in work place.Glad to see your reformed.wish you could educate some people for me.
You know, I never really believed in the whole "Energies" thing, but after my sister visited yesterday ... It felt like she drained all of the good energy that was in the atmosphere and totally drained everyone. lately i've felt exhausted. I didnt even really talk to her that much, just her being her was terrible. I need some garlic! Garlic people GARLIC AND A CROSS!
I am married to a Narcissistic Splitter woman. As I am trying save up money for a divorce.
Darren Curtis II goodness. That has to be hard. Everything has to be secret because finances are the one thing they love to go after. All the best!
block them on your phone. that's the first step.
my narcissistic husband
after 9 years, l was barely able to crawl out, away to safety..they leave a empty spot on your soul. these types should not marry ever, there's no point, marriage is love and wanting to make your spouse happy, they do the very opposite.
Narcissists view people as supply, what they can get from the next victim, money, social status, anything that they can view as getting their way. I once had my narcissist boyfriend tell me I'm not with you for your money, and I had the what??!! thought process but then he quickly said he loved me and not to listen to anybody who is trying to say otherwise. Really, I should have had a light bulb moment and twigged but I just smiled and said OK but only now thinking about it, looking back I understand completely. They don't love, they use people and think in terms of what can I get out of this - which funnily enough relates to what Julie said "frame it in terms of how it benefits them." if you have to deal with them...
Feeling Sexy I absolutely agree with you because I am married to a narcissist for three years and he is trying to make me go crazy to the point that I I was losing my mind. They Leave you alone in the worst condition is or when you most need them, i’m trying to leave but he closes every exit for me to actually called out off this sick relationship..
@@ElizabethMartinez-rw2gc run away pls,i said run.
Felix Johnbull I try but I can’t I have no where to go.. I just don’t know when I’ll be able to run from all this
@@ElizabethMartinez-rw2gc sad 😢😢😢. Don't you have parents and other relatives to tell about what you are passing through?
I find this video emotionally draining.
they laugh is the first sign ...this is not a joke
\
Yummy
I’ve known my best friend since high school, she’s was already emotionally crybaby but it wasn’t draining. It was fine until we graduated high school she started tell me that she’s having “new world ending problems” and if I tell her something that’s been bothering me or I’m excited about something, we either talk about it for two seconds or she brushes it off like it nothing.
I’m almost at the point where I’m furious at how selfish she can be towards me and sad because she’s one of the few people I’ve ever met that truly understands me too.
Oh you can recognize them once you KNOW them! Be careful if your in the dating world watch for men/ women that are “to nice” to charming, to good to be true types! The are baiting you! They do not respect or acknowledge “boundaries so don’t even explain your “boundaries just enforce them.... love yourself and stand your ground! Don’t share with them ! Don’t try to fix them! Just do you!
agreed
"Thank you for your suggestion, I will consider it... then do whatever you want!" LOL.. Good stuff :D
I find many videos that tell you how to manage these toxic people but no videos telling you how to stop being toxic yourself.
yeah, they should really always cover that; self-awareness (as much as it can be)
Spot on. For one thing, their behavior itself can be considered toxic.
Calling people "vampires" is dehumanizing the aggressor, which is failing or refusing to recognize that all people are capable of abuse. They talk about "managing" them; which means taking control or conquering them. Justify the use of emotional violence against people who are doing it to you will only lead to more conflict and you'll end up being just as evil as the people you're fighting against.
There are three pillars of non violent communication. Self-empathy, empathy and honest self-expression.
Self-empathy means feeling good about the good things in you and forgive yourself for the bad things in you; the root of toxic behavior starts with self-judgement. There's this misconception that this violence against yourself is necessary to make you strong; that's how we're raised. In reality it's making us frustrated and weaker.
The better you become at being emphatic with yourself, the easier it becomes to be more emphatic in general; being forgiving and understanding towards other people's flaws as well as feeling good for the things they are great at.
Then finally, being able to express yourself authentically about your thoughts and feelings; which is likely to inspire others to be more compassionate themselves.
Those three things are not easy to do; at least not for me. But when you really put your mind to it, you can become a beacon of positive energy and you won't have to worry about feeling drained.
noxure
well said, especially the 1st sentence and last paragraph
noxure well said andspot on. Thank you. Love is easy on your emotional wallet. Hate bankrupts youremotional wallet. Which is why humans have festivals, when we feel as one with our family , neighborhood, country etc. We fill our emotional wallets on Christmas or diwali.
killer! Try adding more vitamin D to your diet. Clean water and lots of sunshine will aid optimistic, cheerful happiness. Toxic people do not get enough sunshine; need more vitamin D to combat toxic behavior.
3:57-4:07 Julie nailed it right there. That's where you realise she actually knows what she's talking about. I agree we all have the right to decide whether we want to manage, distance from or cut toxic people off of our lives.
I hadn't realized this type of behavior was acknowledged by other people. THANK YOU for this brilliant and straight forward discussion. The information is priceless when dealing with these people.
I had to stop listening when she said they're not evil...
I don't think Julie is talking just about narcissists here, I can be labelled as the poor me person but with me because Ive never seen it as a form of manipulation or been referred to it as an emotional vampire, I was offended and a little hurt because I don't mean to drain anybodies energy, if I'm upset, I will want a friend to talk to and I find I will say, "yes, but" if I'm actually trying to make a point, it's like someone has got a wrong impression of me and I want to correct them "yes but.." and then saying what I want to say but I will say I don't like feeling stuck in a rut, if someone was prepared to work with me to find solutions I'd appreciate that, but I don't think of myself as a bad person, people label the poor me with so much stigma but it's usually that look you get of people, people who care about you and it shows they have a heart, not that they are suddenly not going to bother with you because that would hurt
Love this video. Have discovered one category is missing - the passive-aggressive personality - they control things by being indirect and creating chaos and they don't see how their actions impact others (looks a bit like a lack of empathy?)...no direct control is obvious but if you take the time to carefully observe, then the controlling becomes more visible. My brother and his wife are like this. When trying to plan a get together they never state concrete specifics making it impossible to come to a compromise or even to adapt to their wishes, since they don't state their wishes in advance even when asked repeatedly; we are thereby forced to make some decisions without their imput and then they change everything by being late, saying they were not told at what time lunch would be, etc.... this really is "crazy making" and causes chaos. Could really use some pointers for this type.
Cal EuXX good point
Just tell them your schedule is booked, and you don't think you'll be able to make it.
I knew an emotional vampire, he was a complete loser who had no control over his own life. So he tried to control other people's lives to feel like a man. He is a living joke til today
slidejones is his name JB, lol? You just totally described my ex.
slidejones, you have perfectly described a real piece of work I used to know called DF. Completely cut this person out of my life, but 5 years later he is still blaming me and everyone else for his shortcomings.
True
My mom is all four... and I have to live with her right now .. 😃I’m healing the hell out of my wounds so that I no longer have to put anyone through this type of emotional trauma!!!
You have to limit your contact with anybody who leaves you feeling drained. These people feed off of you and never stop. Set boundaries but avoid these people. It's best to just not be around them.
I unfortunately became friends with one in my uni program who is all of the above and he finally revealed his splitter side when I got frustrated with him about his behaviours which led to the falling out. He went from calling me a "Leader" and a "Good guy" to telling me to delete his number off my phone, telling me our friendship never existed, and telling me I never helped him whatsoever, even though he asked me for help on a daily basis and I tested him to prepare for tests/exams, lent him my shoes, lent him pencil and paper, and most importantly, lent him an ear to listen to his every word. He told me that he didn't think I would have the strength to get myself off drugs if I had tried them in the first place as he did. These days, I encounter him in the change-room (it's a dance program) but we do not speak a word to each other and that's exactly how I want it. The daily conflicts with no resolution in sight were terribly upsetting but there's a first time for everything, I suppose.
Yes they are evil. Try leaving one.
Katrena Shields...SPOT ON. If you are able to leave a person like this and cut them out of your life, expect that they will slander you until the end of days to anyone who will stand still long enough for them to think they are listening.
She is extremely brilliant spot on
my mom is an emotional vampire..
Damian Watts mine too
That's must be so hard on you, try to get away from her...she will distroy you if you let her.
if those emotional vampires are parents?
children.
Well, that's a hard one, but with coordinated actions you can assert your boundaries or at least try to assert them. If still they dont respect those boundaries then only solution is to move to your own house. I have a similar situation with my parents and i cannot really assert my boundaries while staying in this house(they usually use the logic "I am paying the rent, so i can do anything with you/your belongings" mentallity...So if they seem to not respect your boundaries try moving and living on your own
tape recording an ah@!3 is a great thing. you get it on tape to validate that they are being a messed up person to you and there is no more denying it and it is validated at least for yourself. besides that get away from these people ruining your existence if at all possible. i quit a job where the person i was working for was all these types rolled into one. the person who replaced me bought a tape recorder. genius!
All my family is like this! Wow
They definitely are controllers.
@@paulflint17 move to another State ...far away from the whole clan.
@@marcellavicente3650 tee-hee! Yep. I'm in Mexico. They can have NC!
Wow! Julie Hanks is quite a lovely woman with such a radiant personality.
Good insight and advice to managing a Narcissist , But, Never underestimate how Evil a Narcissist can be or likely to be, if you cross them!!
The best I have heard so far
With the Splitter, the term for what Julie is trying to explain is called triangulation. It's happened in my family between my Nan and her sister in law's daughter in law, the middle person who was reporting to the other keeping my Nan against her daughter in Law was an Aunt and for a few years now, we have realised the extent of the damage my Aunt has done because she kept both our families apart and there is a lot of bitter feelings about her.
This video and the corresponding comments make me more confident in my stand-off stance. no contact, exept in the professional sense.
Miyanna Nielsen,hope you are not with a narcissist!
i think some people feel this because they might be around someone who is down/depressed. instead of giving compassion they get drained. i dont think vampires all do it on purpose. if you are aware abundance is around you, you arent effected by this at all.
Excellent!!! best stuff Ive heard in years, best coping skills.
geeze, do you practice near me? sign me up.
sadly at this point Im angry!! mostly because Im physically ill, no surprise my vampire is waiting for me to get better.
my question, if a short answer is possible? when do you know you just cant continue with relationship? ( family sadly)
Becauae I feel like striking back verbally. im a very warm loving person, not shocked by the vampires actions, just drained. thanks
i was friends with a controller!!!! yeah not fun but i was at the point where i could take it anymore so i stop being friends with this person and now have my " life back" if you will
purplegal597, you are too pretty to be with a narcissist!
so what do they call a sub human who has all these qualities?
I Like this advice. I will use this approach at work.
Great advice! Broken down in bite sized categories. Well done 👍🏾
Nice video. I like her way of presentation...
One of my friends is a controller and it was really terribly emotionally draining. He would even told me how I should talk or do. It did get me, making me questioning myself all the time. But later I know that it's really not my problem, it's theirs.
my girl needs to watch this...ima post it on her fb page
I feel like when I am not coping well or stressed I can have some of the traits of an emotional vampire. I really want to work on this! It never feels good after I react this way with someone. Blah
Tammy May Cormier, you deserve better
@@lioydwilliams1850 a year later happy to report I have dealt with this! Doing a lot better
@@TammyMayCormier Good to hear that my dear.I am Lioyd from the States.You?
I'm all over the place with this one.
I would love to hear some of Julie's solutions to dealing with passive aggressive victim types, who are often late, don't respect time in general (eg. its May and I want to make mutual plans for July by June 1st but they dont respond to email till June 20th), frequently want assistance with something because they are out of time (due to their lack of internal priority boundries), etc.... would love Julie's advice...
Cal EuXX I love that you mentioned the “lack of internal priority boundaries”. My ex was very passive aggressive but it’s so hard to pin point because you feel like you’re the crazy one. He would act like I was being bossy when suggesting on better time management strategy but he didn’t want to listen because he wanted to make plans his way. He wouldn’t fully disclose information so I would always be in the dark or I would ask for him to be on time (all that I wanted from him when going on a trip) but he would say he would try but couldn’t promise. Then become upset saying that I was setting him up for failure since I asked him his time management strategy. Ie what time are you going to leave yours? Did you pack? Basic questions. Then ignoring the fact that they were late and when you mention that you’re upset they yell at you because you’re the one upset. Repeated cycle. Oh, I forgot to tell you when I’m coming. Go ahead without me. Even though you text to inform them.
I often felt like I was parenting but I’m the bad one because I was “checking in”...
@@JVanProduction OMG this is my bf
I remember that I said to a family member that she brings up the same drama many times. I said "...no offense" but she got offensive and making me guilty.
Like can I just say I can't deal with your drama because I am also dealing with my own drama???
As a social vampire I say this to all all mentally weak people - try to tame and maintain the balance and control,person can be strong himself,doesnt need to be a weak one to be a social vampire.
a speech psychologically simple, but very effective.
Pretty much when I feel like jumping off a bridge when talking to that person does it for me.
This was very interesting. A person is describing to us the concept of a psychic vampire. It sounds good but the tragedy is that the vampire lies within. Other people are nothing more that triggers to start a process that causes us to go within to access memory that triggers a biochemical response that makes us experience a specific emotion. We are therefore our own vampires. This woman is telling us more about herself than about the ...so called vampires.
Dr. Hanks, do you know about a study done by Yale or Harvard in the past few years where they concluded that 1 in 25 people are narcissists? I may have the incorrect universities, but I watched a long video about it and cannot find it.
Alisha Fisher,you got a lovely smile!
Boundaries will offend narcissists most. I just bought judith orloffs book the empaths survival guide i can't wait to read it.
If I talk with someone, I notice I’m zooning out. It’s a big wave of fatigue coming over me, and I get dizzy and holding eyecontact is impossible. With other people, I just feel calm, and have no problem with eye contact. Just to be clear, physical «attractivnes» has nothing to do with it, so it’s not because they are so beautiful that I get stressed,
Emotional vampires are good people going thru a bad emotional phase , and they seek you out as a cry for help , hoping that you have a cure for their pain. If you cringe or avoid them, its OK , cause you don't have the knowhow to help them out, and save their time and yours also, so that they can begin look elsewhere. Although these emotional vampires look menacing , if you try hard, you can see that they are little crying babies. Don't worry , be happy.
You have no idea what you're talking about. Vampires are not just going through a bad emotional phase, unless you consider someone "going through a phase" when they repeat the same habitual patterns from 8 to 80.
my room mates show signs of being emotional vampires and Finally I have an explanating as to why I find it difficult to live with them
I wonder if showing this video to an emotional vampire will help them understand what they are doing or cause them to get mad.
Depends on the type of emotional vampire. I'm familiar with those with HPD, and they will simply not accept anything they percieve as criticism. They will not accept that it is them who have a fault. So, they will etither excuse it, diminish it or blame someone else, most likely you. If you persist, they may interpret your criticism as if you were saying "I hate you" and react accordingly, make a huge heartbreaking scene, as they are the perpetual actors.
However, any disorder is really a scale, and rarely anybody is at 100%. Meaning, they have this issue to a certain extent, so you could get to them, or whatever normacy still remains in their mind. But you must take into account who they are, understand who they are and how they think, and then adopt your communication accordingly. And you'll have a chance.
But really, an HPD would see the video and never realize it's about them.
they won't because the reason they are "vampires" is they don't realize it. it's very common for somebody to have been a vampire, unknowingly, with respect to someone else. now if it's a long-term thing, and if they've been told, that's different.. that's just right out a narcissistic attitude.
It will cause them to get mad, believe me, they think they are perfect it's why especially overt narcissists have such big heads. You will find they don't want to change they like who they actually are, and they hate people who expose them and if you are ever fearing for your safety then it's extremely best not to...
Julie Hanks, I felt like you gave me energy from watching this video because I feel more empowered on how to deal with family of energy vampires. Thanks
My brothers involvement with one destroyed him and our family. This video is compassionate, but unrealistic. It only goes so far in dealing with a severely ill narc/borderline person. I recently moved cross-country for many reasons, but one of them was to put real distance from the hell we all went through. My brother doesn't know where I now live because of it all.
I can relate to this so much. And I am planning to leave to another state too.
Those are that type of person that won't leave you alone when you send out the message you prefer not to be bothered. I have a schedule and when I am around these people I get physically sick
and my sister says well your not listening to me i have to listen to every word she says but when its my turn to talk she interups me then she says see your not listening to me again so how do i go about that situation can we still help them out or what should i help her with?
And getting a sane and rational person mixed up with a nutcase is a problem too, particularly on the Internet where people just talk without even getting their facts straight.
I know when I am dealing with a person who is crazy. Everybody who is right in their mind knows what it is like to deal with a normal person.
Coming from the Internet to find me offline without invitation is not a sign of a sane and rational person, well, not to me at least.
Being too friendly can lead to problems.
Narcissists, who target your vulnerabilities and attacking you with demeaning comments and criticism and manipulation are emotionally dangerous; they are evil.
I think the dual-parasite model in "Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz is the best I've found in describing how this can happen, although I do think it is possible to move beyond dreaming and be awake with a useful, rather than antagonistic, mind.
Actually that is how I live, for the most part, and there is even more to being mentally awake, that I'm working to discover and develop.
On the other hand, some people are intentionally malicious, and not just because they are broken in some way.
bajan13k
I lived with a malevolent narcissist for several years. The thing is, I didn't feel drained because of the adrenaline coursing through me! However, I was later diagnosed with the lack-of-energy medical condition ME!
This is a very good segment, it gives a lot of constructive advice for handling different kinds of people in your life that can be draining, and in many cases are completely unaware of it. Thanks for posting!
if you have a family member who is splitting (bpd) and you want to help them because you know they're a good person, how would you go about helping them?
First thing, like she said, don't become too emotionally involved, and don't enter their game. Keep your boundaries, show some stability and maybe try to address the issue when their spirit is calm, to see how they react ? are they ready to talk about it, maybe they'd like to do something ? maybe not ? remember it's not YOUR issue, you should stay neutral about it, else both may become co-dependent even if they are willing to change.
A schemer, that is another type. One minute they are grinning in your face like a cheshire cat, the next they are looking to stab you in your back.
I am no mental health expert, but dealing with it is enough to put me off. No, I do not want to deal with nutcases coming into my home as they please, sneaking around at night. And some people are just nuts. No way to negotiate with a nutter.
You chat to a person online, suddenly they want to know your whole life history. Some people are dangerous.
Exactly my mother. .
Great stuff!!!!!
Thank u for this interview. I have a question my doctor is an energy vampire, could I tell him to help me and suggest another doctor to help me and tell him that I feel that my energy is vampired ? Do u think this is a good idea or not
You worth more than thank you
Irony of ironies, my former friend is a Family Therapist! She was the "Controller", as stated in the video. And, an emotionally draining "vampire sucker" who would say one thing and do another. I did agree and sympathize with her problems though within the educational system as she tried to obtain her degree. It's surprising that we can churn out psychologists within an educational system that is racist and discriminatory.
The Narcissist
The Victim
The Controller
The Splitter
You've forgotten The Criticiser
Yes the last one you said deffinitley.
Yeah... my mom is everyone of them.
I am keeping the boundaries / My lifepartner is a vampire very draining
Katherine Marsh, you deserve better
I don’t understand why they keep saying not to ignore these kind of people. If you have the choice to run in the opposite direction, why spend your energy on such toxic people that are incansable of accepting help.
not saying there's no truth in this and a few other "EV beware" vids I've viewed, but some age old adages start coming to mind such as: "takes one to know one" and "water rises to it's own level" I know when I am in a good space and enjoying my day, (week, month) I seem to attract same.
There are a lot of valid points here. Actually, grandparents are master manipulators if you think about it.lol when they say stuff like, "your gonna break my heart" or " you trying to give me a stroke". Control is control. "Do unto others" as you would have done unto yourself is a good rule to live by. If you stick around when someone makes you feel bad its either because you think you have nowhere else to go, or because someone has lied to you and is trying to make you crazy. Which is a great reason to FIND a way out. As for manipulating people to get your 2 minute kicks..that makes someone a predator. its whats in a manipulative sociopaths nature to get the little dose of validation he/she needs to go on another day. It is sad and since god gave us free will you can choose to improve as a member of our species..or not. Either way, no person deserves to fell less than human. When you are about to act just think first. You might as well, cuz if you hurt another, they are hurt either way, and now you can get twice the sick satisfaction of being a master lowlife and maybe take a day off to pat yourself on the back and spare a coupke victims a week from such hateful insensitivity. Cuz you are so awesome at being cruel. Hey, just saying , 2 out of three on the triad aint bad. the punishers of strangers are limited until they open their eyes and see that they have so much , all this power, and no purpose to improve the world really., you want to make the world better, well, stop making it worse.