The pain caused by Narcissism is unbearable. The blame shifting, the verbal abuse and range they dump on you because they need to unload is horrendous.
We need to stop accepting their crap By saying I reject this deposit of your issues into me. I give them Back to you. You deal with it. Then your whole and healthy and they are left holding the emotional outburst they just tried to dump onto you.
I keep saying - I don’t need his shame. He tried to put his shame on me. He hid me from his family, his friends, his colleagues. Oh, just awful, awful, awful. The avoidance, the rages, the blaming… The refusal to commit to me. Trying to make me feel like something is wrong with ME. Honestly, I don’t think I’m overreacting when I say their behaviour borderlines on evil.
If a person don't forgive those people the caused their traumatic backstories, there's a big tendency that they become narcissist because want to make revenge by hurting other people. Forgiveness can repel their emotional baggages and help them to be a better person.
I think this is a lot of what many people forget. If they can see past the shame and see that there isn’t anything they need to be ashamed of. Which the shame is not real shame it’s toxic shame. I really think they can heal.
We're here to support your healing journey. Come join us in this free masterclass to learn about the secret methods on breaking free from the toxic, break the bond and empower yourself once more. Just head over to www.rawmotivations.com/masterclass.
The grandiosoty is not only compensatory but also I believe a mechanism by which these narcissits moderate their shame, guilt and all the negative qualities and attributes about themselves that they do not like, fear, or wish would dissappear. Its a life of constant lying and running away from.
This video is sooo good! Mine used to always say that he always felt like I was attacking him and I honestly wasn’t. I was always trying to make him see how much he was hurting me. Accountability feels like an attack when you don’t want to accept responsibility that your actions are hurting another. It would always hurt so much that I would have panic attacks and crying uncontrollably and it didn’t affect him at all! Thank you for being so open and honest! The way you explain your feelings makes it easier to understand.
I am sorry to say this but they love watching you cry and hurt u intentionally that is supply to them. They thrive on it. It's their whole plan from the beginning. He trauma bonded you to him. They cannot take you questioning them at all or their beliefs after all they are superior to you so he does feel like you attacking him. How dare you question me I am do much smarter than you! This is what they believe they lie to their own selves.
@@pamelakelley5535 Yes. Once I learned this, I was determined not to cry and not to divulge what hurt me. This goes for family members and friends, too. I told a long time friend my nickname and how I was talked to and my husband and friend independent of each other would use it against me. At one of the worst times, one said, "I want to see you cry." Now days, I do everything I can not to cry, even when I am alone. One time, I raged angerly and even stomped my feet as an experiment, just to see what hubby would do. His face lit up and he was very happy. He asked, "Are you for real?" in fascination. I said, "no" flatly and smiled and walked away. He sat there in shock and disappointment, hoping I would finally behave the way he did.
This I used to get tension headaches.. tight throat.. absolutely horrible feeling.. And same didn't affect him...so glad to hear from this man🙌🏾 glad you are free of yours as am I. Happier days. Literally 😌✨💜
This was extremely brave. Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. It's not easy, but you're doing a great job, keep it up. Over time I hope you find it easier, be patient with yourself.
I really admire you for your honesty and vulnerability. It helps me understand the narcissists in my life and be able to let go of my anger and forgive them. I appreciate that your recovery is difficult but I do believe that there will be rewards. I think living an honest, self aware life isn't always the easy road but it leads to the best places. I speak about myself as narcissistic abuse surviver.
“I’m going to fix the problem by attacking the person”. Your right it doesn’t make any sense I appreciate your honesty as to how narcs operate. This is very helpful.
This one made me cry! I’m so proud of you! Takes a strong person to do what you’re doing! I thank you! This hit home with me to a T!!! I used to react to my husband‘s rage. I finally realized it just makes him rage even worse and abuse even more. I finally just stopped reacting and he realized it and said you don’t even care and you don’t even react. My response was, “Why should I? I’ve heard it so many times before!” My husband won’t admit anything except finally, he did admit to me that he realizes his behavior is cyclical. I told him that until he is wanting to stop that behavior, we will never work. He still lies. He still abuses. He still gets angry and frustrated. He still won’t allow me to bring things up to him, as you explain, he takes that as I’m shaming him and I’m not! I’m trying to have a conversation. I’m contemplating on asking him to listen to your video. Don’t know if that’s such a good idea but my gosh it explains everything very clearly. There’s just so many deep, huge lies I’ve discovered that I don’t think it matters. Your messages are amazing and very helpful to us that are trying to understand these spouses and partners that we are with and what they are doing to us. It helps me realize, finally, that I am not crazy. For so long I thought I was. This abuse is just incredible!
I’m going to re-phrase because it helps me understand what is meant better. When a narcissist feels “shame” (guilt) they don’t want to “look” at it. They want to hide it and hide from it. I do understand somewhat what this means because I’m didn’t want to deal with my narcissist mother, and so the consequence that I am left with is to feel NOTHING. No feelings because somehow not “looking” at them inactivates the ability to feel.
Excellent description of the cycle of the Narcissist verses the person they are attacking. I was an Empath trying to help a friend(alcoholic Overt Narcissist) who had lost his mate of 34 years. I had no idea what I was about to go through. It was an absolute hellish nightmare! I wasn’t prepared at all. The honeymoon phase, the gaslighting, the obscene Rages. I spent most of my time silent locked in a guest room listening to the vilest verbal assaults. I had known this man off and on for over 40 years, but NOTHING prepared me for this onslaught! Thankfully, I finally left and started educating myself in all things Narcissistic! I am now NO CONTACT by choice. He sadly is still drinking, doing drugs and involved with a married Mormon woman using him for money, at the ripe old age of 71. The rages have increased as has his delusional state. I thank GOD every day for the strength that helped heal me. TY for your site. I’m sure it can’t be easy to open up and express your most inner feelings. Please know that you are helping many that have been victims of Narcissistic abuse👼❤️😇🙏
Thank you for the.. honesty. Last weekend was the first time i did not cried but used his own words against him...hè was getting frustrated....and raged...i told him to get the hè... Out of my house. Hè yelled...dont want you in my life again....i dont want any contact with you anymore...hè blocked me. This is the first time hè did that....
@@De_Bengels Yeah, this is the first step. Than he finds new girl and put pictures for you to see and suffer. Than he gets bored from her and hoover you back. If you take him he pretends for a while and than devalues you. It is a circle. No contact and watching videos...
My son is a narcissist. I've never seen it before. My Dil revealed that he's cheated there entire relationship. Recently she has stopped allowing him to control her. He put her and his kids out the house and moved another woman in. I'm so against him. Still loving him from a distance. Trying to understand what happened. I am a christian. I raised him from age 10 to be a christian. He revealed to me he was molested by a family member. But he's refusing to get help. Praying for deliverance. Thanks for your honesty
Being christian doesn't stop you from being a narc my mom is a christian and she is the biggest narc I know. She been in church for 40-plus years. It's not about christian at all there is nothing you can do about a narc its mental disorder with no cure. Unless they do what Lee and Ben are doing. Which is rare. Both of my children are narcs just like their father. I had to go no contact with all of them. They will never change they only get worse the longer you stay around. Stick around you will see.
@@hix9306 Nah sure didnt so take your weak ass attack some where else Im a Empath they are Nothing like me at all. So move along messy af & take that narc energy somewhere. Narc are Sickening and miserable
Great content. I figured this was the case and more for my narcissistic wife of 32 years. Her shame and guilt drove everything she did to me. Her rages were scary at times and unexpected. I could never do anything right in her eyes; I was always wrong or the cause for some reason. I gave my all to her and ended up practically ruined emotionally and physically. The biggest kicker is that towards the end of our marriage, she sought to drive me crazy and wanted to have me committed into a psychiatric ward…why?!!! (I was the base and the root of the relationship, family and household.) She’s out of my life now along with everyone else she triangulated. She took everyone away by way of a smear campaign, manipulation and triangulation. Why are narcissist so cruel and brutal when they exit. I was a good husband; in the end….I find myself thoroughly exiled from my family for doing nothing wrong. This sucks! I’m recovering, but do not see any means to get my children back into my life at all. My wife’s smear campaign alienated our children from me (all are adults, yet the refuse to see her for who she truly is. 🤔).
Your video was in my feed. I’m trying to understand shame/guilt to help someone I know. I’m no therapist but it just sounds exhausting. These are just mind games …. Can’t this be a conversation that you take for face value and own each side of the conversation? This is just toxic to me. Life is so short to try and be right. It’s about making it work. This is your wife!!!!
OMG. I was watching this with an "open mouth", because it's so genuine (that always fascinates me). I thank you for producing this video. I don't think anyone else produced a video like this, that is trying to analyze so precisely the dynamic of the events. it's going to be very helpful for all of us. Thank you. 🙏
You are so right on, you even mentioned panic attacks you would trigger. I would get panic attacks when he would escalate and I couldn’t calm him down, it was a runaway train that couldn’t be stopped and at the end everything was my fault. You bring me hope he can heal which is what I wish for him. Thank you for taking the uncomfortable place of speaking and owning it and helping others understand it.
It’s hard for me to see the narcissist as an emotionally under-developed 2-3 year old over-compensating adult because he’s an absolute grown master at all the pain and confusion that narcissists inflict on others. But maybe this is giving me some necessary insight into what’s going on in him which in a way makes no difference because in the end, no matter what I do or don’t do, he’s going to be the same. But, I really appreciate you being open and honest and vulnerable to us because it really does help to at least see one narcissist (well two if I include Lee) getting some help. So, thank you soooo much for all of your hard work on yourself and on putting out these videos. 🙏🏾 🙏🏾🙏🏾❤️
Thanks a lot! I am very familiar with being shut up when i cry or pre-cry. He never got me for ten years in fights, still not solving his problems after a year of break up. I lost hope on him.
I don’t know you, yet I am so profoundly proud of you for recognizing that change starts with you being more vulnerable and less of a “ragaholic.” How I wish I could’ve gotten my STBX husband to wake up and realize these things that you are realizing about yourself. And how I wish he could’ve had the self reflection, insight, wisdom and motivation to want to make those changes. Everything could’ve been so different now. THANKYOU for everything you are doing!! You truly are making a difference.
Do you think Narcissist in general, post rage... have a sense for how outrageous or inappropriate it is once things calm down? Or do they just shove it down as you mentioned and repeat the cycle again?
I've been on the recieving end of that rage, and every time, it was minimized and shoved down. The response my ex had was, "I have a bit of a temper," but it would never go beyond that. The rage would come out again, and she would inevitably scream at me when I confronted her and stood up for myself.
Thank you for being honest with us. I never realized that a narc had feelings like that bcse of how my ex narc was. You're very truthful,and helping me understand more about different things that I went thru. Thank you for sharing. Ben...
You are a super super brave, strong and courageous person for admitting where you have failed and. trying to fix it! few people have that courage.... keep on going! keep on growing!
Thank u..I really appreciate u making me understand a lot more than what I did about what goes on..way u feel feeling those feelings of guilt..those r the vry things tht happen
Thank you this is eye opening. Mine use to rage and I would cry but he would blame me for making him react that way. And he would instantly try to ask what was wrong when I just wanted to pull away and he would get even more mad! Can you explain why they want to instantly ask you what’s wrong when you cry but the initial conversation was suppose to be Casual? Also can this rage happen so often where the narc has a mental break down and needs space? Is this him realizing he’s going to reach that abuse level?
Thank you for sharing for story. It was incredible to hear your story. Here’s my question for you - your story resonated with me in terms of the cycle. I can’t tell you how many times I heard “what’s your problem”? And then we had to continue to discuss how I made a mistake. How I messed up and why it was my fault. Even though my problem wasn’t a problem it was a perceived error against him. It never went to full blown rage but rather what felt like a manipulative tactic to get me just break down and want to run. But he wouldn’t let me. And depending my response it escalated to a rage form of sorts( lots of f’ you. You know what you did, why can’t you understand how stupid you are) until he “realized” he pushed me just to far. Once he felt he had driven it home he would comfort me. Sort of. Enough to bring me back into the fold. To love bomb basically. It was the value/devalue cycle but in regards to what you were discussing is this normal for narcissists to realize within the span of an “episode” to bring all that back under control and in their own way work to fix it. There was always a point where he realized he couldn’t match me and I felt like his shame and guilt would take over as he realized he pushed too hard. Do they have that kind of understanding about their feelings? As I learned more about the type of relationship I was in I felt that that cycle you discussed was simply a way to ensure the trauma bond. Even after years and years. He wanted it to escalated, he wanted me to cry and pull away to show in the end he still cared and this was all in my best interest. He was trying to make me a better person. I realize now that is not true. Thanks for reading my longer than expected post. Appreciate the feedback.
Hi. On one of your other videos you mentioned " I love you every 20 days" That drew a lot of attention. Can you please do a video on that? I think we have all or almost all experienced that part.💝
The worst part is that they want to fight a woman who is distraught in front of their little girl. Lord be on their side at the end of their journey that is life. They’ll be filled with regret. Seen it. Know it.
Please partner with Dr. Les Carter of “Surviving Narcissism” or Annie Runkle of “The Crappy Childhood Fairy”. It would be an amazing interview with benefits for many people.
I said this to my ex..that he had some childhood trauma..too much control as a kid an alot blamed on him but it was his sister's..hence me sayin u have an issue with women Then as he went to high school alot of freedom..lack of boundaries.. I recognise more about him than he ever wanted. He would rage/trash talk his sister everytime he brought their names up. One time, can't remember why the argument was happening but he literally stomped his feet..like a toddler...I actually laughed Wow the things I remember are crazy sometimes..
Wow, this is deep! Thanks for the video. Do you do sessions for married couple? this sounds like my husband and I I as a wife lash out and instead of crying i actually yell and rave.....the reactive abuse for me is real, but he is the primary abuser since he is operating under manipulation
i'd say that vulnerability is a solution in this , specific case (NPD) but in any case of misunderstandings and challenges between two partners, who want to resolve it an make it work. You can only work on "facts" and not "fiction". First, you need to acknowledge and accept the situation for what it is, before you can change. And vulnerability connects you to your partner. It prevents a lot of guessing and false assumptions. I can not imagine any other way on working on problems in a relationship - then being openly and honestly talking about them.
Really insightful and honest video! Thank you for sharing. My partner and I had a roommate and friend that we no longer communicate with. He often told me that he had abandonment issues. Your description of avoiding the shame that came up for you and the triggers that could lead to rage and physical abuse reminded me of him. He would rage, destroy things and he got physically abusive. Afterwards he'd say took things too far and blame shift. It was a terrifying time for us. He moved out and there's peace in our home now. I hope he finds his peace. I knew him for 10 years and could see a tormented lost soul in him.
Truth. Shame and guilt sucks big time. Most people don't know how horrible shame and guilt effects narcissists. Unbelievable amount of mental pain. If they view our actions through this perspective, hopefully they will be a little bit more understanding. Not condoning our actions one bit, but just trying to make people see we're human beings too.
Never ending, when i walk away he complains that i dont want nothing with him nothing uplifting comes from him. Just lies and fake future. Yet for 10 years i have lived DV. And been cheated and still here iam planning escape. Because i know he wont change.
Thank you for talking this through so well and your vulnerability. Can you counsel a couple with this same realization and both wanting to work on it and learn tools?
So its all about you and helping yourself (in those cycles) -cant you feel the pain of others, can you set aside your shame little by little to help someone genuinely seeing them as a weak human.
So, you’re saying a narc ACTUALLY TAKES RESPONSIBILITY for a negative reaction in ANOTHER?? They have momentary insight?? I thought it was always projected onto that OTHER PERSON?? I mean, they’re weak, right? THEY WEREN’T RAISED RIGHT, no?? Before you started working on yourself, Ben, you actually felt guilty about making your wife cry?? Didn’t you just tell yourself she was pathetically weak or useless? I’m seriously curious. Again, how you’ve worked through all this is BEYOND INSPIRATIONAL!! 🤘👏
He probably did think that but he’s talking from a place where he is identifying with how he felt. My narcs are not in touch or able to identify how they feel so he has learned what feelings were motivating those thoughts and actions and that gives him some awareness and power of choice if he is vulnerable and willing to be honest with himself.
1000% everything i thought about my husband....... he DOES act like a tantrum throwing toddler, he is Abusive and Vindictive BUT there are times when I sense the brokenness and damage BUT the damage he's done is H U G E just for pleasure in the moment to feel better BUT again, He KNOWS what he's doing and has done and Hates it But won't Stop the lying and avoiding. Horribly Sad esp now that he's got a very limited amount of time left on this earth (in Hospice) broken hearted Aspy wife here 💔 😢 and a Survivor who now has Severe emotional damage--- however, in Therapy and am determined that i will be stronger, wiser, more compassionate than ever
When I found out my husband was cheating and I was crying because i felt heartbroken and betrayed. He said am fake crying and I should go act movies and the crying is one trait our daugther got from me because she likes to cry and am the reason for my own demise because I went through his phone, so I broke my own heart.
There childhoods where unfortunate and after everything my exnarc put me rhrough i still feel bad for her as a child I hate the fact she was abandoned and unloved by her mother. But I'm not sticking round for the abuse from her sorry its not happening. Surely every miss treated child isn't a narcissist there has to some sort of choice in this path concous or non concous.
What about video taping them just install cameras around the house. I think they're bullies and they're high they're evil ways and installing video cameras throughout my house will put them on the spot or will I have a fight on my hands
Did you ever make fun of her when she was crying?Have you ever shown her any emotions more less cry? It’s crazy scary how most narcissist are handsome in males .
He always told me everything was my fault. His cheating and lying was my fault. I finally realize it had nothing to do with me.
The pain caused by Narcissism is unbearable. The blame shifting, the verbal abuse and range they dump on you because they need to unload is horrendous.
True they were broken as a child, however as an adult they have the responsibility like all to change that within themselves to be healed adults
Some narcs are just spoiled BRATS!!!!
Some Narcs get fuel from other ppls crying 😢
Very true
Ya, those types transfer their shame into you and breaking you down is necessary to make that transfer. So YOU process their pain and emotions.
Oh wow @carol lux ..like all the emotions an tears they can never express. They make us🤯
Total mind fuck an that exactly how it feels.
We need to stop accepting their crap By saying I reject this deposit of your issues into me. I give them
Back to you. You deal with it.
Then your whole and healthy and they are left holding the emotional outburst they just tried to dump onto you.
All narcs love misery and pain they feed off it its there favourite food
I keep saying - I don’t need his shame. He tried to put his shame on me. He hid me from his family, his friends, his colleagues. Oh, just awful, awful, awful. The avoidance, the rages, the blaming… The refusal to commit to me. Trying to make me feel like something is wrong with ME. Honestly, I don’t think I’m overreacting when I say their behaviour borderlines on evil.
If a person don't forgive those people the caused their traumatic backstories, there's a big tendency that they become narcissist because want to make revenge by hurting other people. Forgiveness can repel their emotional baggages and help them to be a better person.
I think this is a lot of what many people forget. If they can see past the shame and see that there isn’t anything they need to be ashamed of. Which the shame is not real shame it’s toxic shame. I really think they can heal.
We're here to support your healing journey. Come join us in this free masterclass to learn about the secret methods on breaking free from the toxic, break the bond and empower yourself once more. Just head over to www.rawmotivations.com/masterclass.
@@RawMotivations absolutely
The grandiosoty is not only compensatory but also I believe a mechanism by which these narcissits moderate their shame, guilt and all the negative qualities and attributes about themselves that they do not like, fear, or wish would dissappear. Its a life of constant lying and running away from.
This video is sooo good! Mine used to always say that he always felt like I was attacking him and I honestly wasn’t. I was always trying to make him see how much he was hurting me. Accountability feels like an attack when you don’t want to accept responsibility that your actions are hurting another. It would always hurt so much that I would have panic attacks and crying uncontrollably and it didn’t affect him at all! Thank you for being so open and honest! The way you explain your feelings makes it easier to understand.
I am in the same boat with you.
I am sorry to say this but they love watching you cry and hurt u intentionally that is supply to them. They thrive on it. It's their whole plan from the beginning. He trauma bonded you to him. They cannot take you questioning them at all or their beliefs after all they are superior to you so he does feel like you attacking him. How dare you question me I am do much smarter than you! This is what they believe they lie to their own selves.
@@pamelakelley5535 Yes. Once I learned this, I was determined not to cry and not to divulge what hurt me. This goes for family members and friends, too. I told a long time friend my nickname and how I was talked to and my husband and friend independent of each other would use it against me. At one of the worst times, one said, "I want to see you cry." Now days, I do everything I can not to cry, even when I am alone. One time, I raged angerly and even stomped my feet as an experiment, just to see what hubby would do. His face lit up and he was very happy. He asked, "Are you for real?" in fascination. I said, "no" flatly and smiled and walked away. He sat there in shock and disappointment, hoping I would finally behave the way he did.
Narcissists project. They have it backwards.
This I used to get tension headaches.. tight throat.. absolutely horrible feeling..
And same didn't affect him...so glad to hear from this man🙌🏾 glad you are free of yours as am I. Happier days. Literally 😌✨💜
This was extremely brave. Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. It's not easy, but you're doing a great job, keep it up. Over time I hope you find it easier, be patient with yourself.
Thank you
I really admire you for your honesty and vulnerability. It helps me understand the narcissists in my life and be able to let go of my anger and forgive them. I appreciate that your recovery is difficult but I do believe that there will be rewards. I think living an honest, self aware life isn't always the easy road but it leads to the best places. I speak about myself as narcissistic abuse surviver.
“I’m going to fix the problem by attacking the person”. Your right it doesn’t make any sense I appreciate your honesty as to how narcs operate. This is very helpful.
I appreciate that
again.. SPOT ON 200% keep up these detailed descriptions, they’re so helpful
God bless you. Jesus, please bless this man. His honesty will help so many. Sir, I sent your video to my oldest son. Ty
This one made me cry! I’m so proud of you! Takes a strong person to do what you’re doing! I thank you! This hit home with me to a T!!! I used to react to my husband‘s rage. I finally realized it just makes him rage even worse and abuse even more. I finally just stopped reacting and he realized it and said you don’t even care and you don’t even react. My response was, “Why should I? I’ve heard it so many times before!” My husband won’t admit anything except finally, he did admit to me that he realizes his behavior is cyclical. I told him that until he is wanting to stop that behavior, we will never work. He still lies. He still abuses. He still gets angry and frustrated. He still won’t allow me to bring things up to him, as you explain, he takes that as I’m shaming him and I’m not! I’m trying to have a conversation. I’m contemplating on asking him to listen to your video. Don’t know if that’s such a good idea but my gosh it explains everything very clearly. There’s just so many deep, huge lies I’ve discovered that I don’t think it matters. Your messages are amazing and very helpful to us that are trying to understand these spouses and partners that we are with and what they are doing to us. It helps me realize, finally, that I am not crazy. For so long I thought I was. This abuse is just incredible!
I’m going to re-phrase because it helps me understand what is meant better. When a narcissist feels “shame” (guilt) they don’t want to “look” at it. They want to hide it and hide from it. I do understand somewhat what this means because I’m didn’t want to deal with my narcissist mother, and so the consequence that I am left with is to feel NOTHING. No feelings because somehow not “looking” at them inactivates the ability to feel.
Best of luck on your journey...please find success
Excellent description of the cycle of the Narcissist verses the person they are attacking. I was an Empath trying to help a friend(alcoholic Overt Narcissist) who had lost his mate of 34 years. I had no idea what I was about to go through. It was an absolute hellish nightmare! I wasn’t prepared at all. The honeymoon phase, the gaslighting, the obscene Rages. I spent most of my time silent locked in a guest room listening to the vilest verbal assaults. I had known this man off and on for over 40 years, but NOTHING prepared me for this onslaught! Thankfully, I finally left and started educating myself in all things Narcissistic! I am now NO CONTACT by choice. He sadly is still drinking, doing drugs and involved with a married Mormon woman using him for money, at the ripe old age of 71. The rages have increased as has his delusional state. I thank GOD every day for the strength that helped heal me. TY for your site. I’m sure it can’t be easy to open up and express your most inner feelings. Please know that you are helping many that have been victims of Narcissistic abuse👼❤️😇🙏
Narcissists have no shame or guilt. They just pretense that they did nothing wrong therefore they never say sorry even the wrongdoing is obvious.
Thank God you got into counselling & ur core's soul's self broke free 4 u úr wife & beautiful little daughter 🙏💕😊
Thank you for the.. honesty. Last weekend was the first time i did not cried but used his own words against him...hè was getting frustrated....and raged...i told him to get the hè... Out of my house. Hè yelled...dont want you in my life again....i dont want any contact with you anymore...hè blocked me. This is the first time hè did that....
Than you leave and he hoover you and the cycle starts again :)
@@NMTDelightfulMusic no hè startet the smearcampaigne…..
@@De_Bengels Yeah, this is the first step. Than he finds new girl and put pictures for you to see and suffer. Than he gets bored from her and hoover you back. If you take him he pretends for a while and than devalues you. It is a circle. No contact and watching videos...
@@NMTDelightfulMusic i am done hè cannot hurt me anymore. I am happy again. Hé 62 years old and a sad life
@@De_Bengels Good, I am happy for you!
Great clarity with this!🔥🔥🔥
My son is a narcissist. I've never seen it before. My Dil revealed that he's cheated there entire relationship. Recently she has stopped allowing him to control her. He put her and his kids out the house and moved another woman in. I'm so against him. Still loving him from a distance. Trying to understand what happened. I am a christian. I raised him from age 10 to be a christian. He revealed to me he was molested by a family member. But he's refusing to get help. Praying for deliverance. Thanks for your honesty
Make sure you listen and tell him you love him.
Being christian doesn't stop you from being a narc my mom is a christian and she is the biggest narc I know. She been in church for 40-plus years. It's not about christian at all there is nothing you can do about a narc its mental disorder with no cure. Unless they do what Lee and Ben are doing. Which is rare. Both of my children are narcs just like their father. I had to go no contact with all of them. They will never change they only get worse the longer you stay around. Stick around you will see.
@@RosasResources they take "love" as weakness and will disrespect you even more.
@@Indigenious.Kopper.Goddess So imagine their sad life
@@hix9306 Nah sure didnt so take your weak ass attack some where else Im a Empath they are Nothing like me at all. So move along messy af & take that narc energy somewhere.
Narc are Sickening and miserable
Absolutely Love Your Growth, Truth & Expression💯
Great content. I figured this was the case and more for my narcissistic wife of 32 years. Her shame and guilt drove everything she did to me. Her rages were scary at times and unexpected. I could never do anything right in her eyes; I was always wrong or the cause for some reason.
I gave my all to her and ended up practically ruined emotionally and physically.
The biggest kicker is that towards the end of our marriage, she sought to drive me crazy and wanted to have me committed into a psychiatric ward…why?!!! (I was the base and the root of the relationship, family and household.)
She’s out of my life now along with everyone else she triangulated. She took everyone away by way of a smear campaign, manipulation and triangulation.
Why are narcissist so cruel and brutal when they exit. I was a good husband; in the end….I find myself thoroughly exiled from my family for doing nothing wrong.
This sucks! I’m recovering, but do not see any means to get my children back into my life at all. My wife’s smear campaign alienated our children from me (all are adults, yet the refuse to see her for who she truly is. 🤔).
I'm so sorry. That is a horrible situation to be in. I pray that your kids will find the truth.
I understand n have experienced the same.Truly very sorry it should be a crime as it destroys others.wish you the best.
Your video was in my feed. I’m trying to understand shame/guilt to help someone I know. I’m no therapist but it just sounds exhausting. These are just mind games …. Can’t this be a conversation that you take for face value and own each side of the conversation?
This is just toxic to me. Life is so short to try and be right. It’s about making it work. This is your wife!!!!
OMG. I was watching this with an "open mouth", because it's so genuine (that always fascinates me). I thank you for producing this video. I don't think anyone else produced a video like this, that is trying to analyze so precisely the dynamic of the events. it's going to be very helpful for all of us. Thank you. 🙏
You are so right on, you even mentioned panic attacks you would trigger. I would get panic attacks when he would escalate and I couldn’t calm him down, it was a runaway train that couldn’t be stopped and at the end everything was my fault. You bring me hope he can heal which is what I wish for him. Thank you for taking the uncomfortable place of speaking and owning it and helping others understand it.
You should leave and and watch his progress if he is healing. IF?
It’s hard for me to see the narcissist as an emotionally under-developed 2-3 year old over-compensating adult because he’s an absolute grown master at all the pain and confusion that narcissists inflict on others. But maybe this is giving me some necessary insight into what’s going on in him which in a way makes no difference because in the end, no matter what I do or don’t do, he’s going to be the same.
But, I really appreciate you being open and honest and vulnerable to us because it really does help to at least see one narcissist (well two if I include Lee) getting some help. So, thank you soooo much for all of your hard work on yourself and on putting out these videos. 🙏🏾 🙏🏾🙏🏾❤️
I'm so greatful for them both too...great clarity on what we've been through. ✨😌
Thanks a lot! I am very familiar with being shut up when i cry or pre-cry. He never got me for ten years in fights, still not solving his problems after a year of break up. I lost hope on him.
Very good information ty for explaining this disorder ..🙏🙏
I don’t know you, yet I am so profoundly proud of you for recognizing that change starts with you being more vulnerable and less of a “ragaholic.” How I wish I could’ve gotten my STBX husband to wake up and realize these things that you are realizing about yourself. And how I wish he could’ve had the self reflection, insight, wisdom and motivation to want to make those changes. Everything could’ve been so different now. THANKYOU for everything you are doing!! You truly are making a difference.
Thanks for the explanation. I kind of new most of if it untuitively. You have confirmed it. Thank you
This was great …. Thanks for the tangible examples it really helps!
I am glad it helps
Do you think Narcissist in general, post rage... have a sense for how outrageous or inappropriate it is once things calm down? Or do they just shove it down as you mentioned and repeat the cycle again?
Shove it down and repeat
I've been on the recieving end of that rage, and every time, it was minimized and shoved down. The response my ex had was, "I have a bit of a temper," but it would never go beyond that. The rage would come out again, and she would inevitably scream at me when I confronted her and stood up for myself.
This was a super helpful video! Thank you!
Thank you, Ben, for being so transparent. It is helping me grow and understand more deeply!
Wow, thank you so much for sharing this.
Thank you for being honest with us. I never realized that a narc had feelings like that bcse of how my ex narc was. You're very truthful,and helping me understand more about different things that I went thru. Thank you for sharing. Ben...
Of course they have feelings like other they don’t know how to express it or deal with emotions like other people . We’re talking a mental disorder
Thank you for your openness
Thank you for your support
You are a super super brave, strong and courageous person for admitting where you have failed and. trying to fix it! few people have that courage.... keep on going! keep on growing!
Nice job on your self work. Thank you. Puts things in perspective when we can recognize what’s happening within ourselves. #breakthecycle
Yes! Thank you!
Thank u..I really appreciate u making me understand a lot more than what I did about what goes on..way u feel feeling those feelings of guilt..those r the vry things tht happen
This was raw! Wow. Thank you for sharing your story and insights. Helps in the healing process.
Life changing information, literally. Deeply grateful for this 🙏
Thank you this is eye opening. Mine use to rage and I would cry but he would blame me for making him react that way. And he would instantly try to ask what was wrong when I just wanted to pull away and he would get even more mad! Can you explain why they want to instantly ask you what’s wrong when you cry but the initial conversation was suppose to be Casual?
Also can this rage happen so often where the narc has a mental break down and needs space? Is this him realizing he’s going to reach that abuse level?
No typically that is them wanting space because they are blaming you for their issues
Pride is shames cloak
Thank you for sharing for story. It was incredible to hear your story. Here’s my question for you - your story resonated with me in terms of the cycle. I can’t tell you how many times I heard “what’s your problem”? And then we had to continue to discuss how I made a mistake. How I messed up and why it was my fault. Even though my problem wasn’t a problem it was a perceived error against him. It never went to full blown rage but rather what felt like a manipulative tactic to get me just break down and want to run. But he wouldn’t let me. And depending my response it escalated to a rage form of sorts( lots of f’ you. You know what you did, why can’t you understand how stupid you are) until he “realized” he pushed me just to far. Once he felt he had driven it home he would comfort me. Sort of. Enough to bring me back into the fold. To love bomb basically. It was the value/devalue cycle but in regards to what you were discussing is this normal for narcissists to realize within the span of an “episode” to bring all that back under control and in their own way work to fix it. There was always a point where he realized he couldn’t match me and I felt like his shame and guilt would take over as he realized he pushed too hard. Do they have that kind of understanding about their feelings? As I learned more about the type of relationship I was in I felt that that cycle you discussed was simply a way to ensure the trauma bond. Even after years and years. He wanted it to escalated, he wanted me to cry and pull away to show in the end he still cared and this was all in my best interest. He was trying to make me a better person. I realize now that is not true. Thanks for reading my longer than expected post. Appreciate the feedback.
Hi. On one of your other videos you mentioned " I love you every 20 days"
That drew a lot of attention. Can you please do a video on that? I think we have all or almost all experienced that part.💝
Thank you for your honesty 🙏
Thank you for your honest explanation. Do you do one on ones by phone?
I do on zoom. www.rawmotivations.com/one-on-ones
The worst part is that they want to fight a woman who is distraught in front of their little girl. Lord be on their side at the end of their journey that is life. They’ll be filled with regret. Seen it. Know it.
How can i get help and work on my narcissist behaviour
Would love to talk to you about it www.rawmotivations.com/one-on-ones
Please partner with Dr. Les Carter of “Surviving Narcissism” or Annie Runkle of “The Crappy Childhood Fairy”. It would be an amazing interview with benefits for many people.
I said this to my ex..that he had some childhood trauma..too much control as a kid an alot blamed on him but it was his sister's..hence me sayin u have an issue with women
Then as he went to high school alot of freedom..lack of boundaries..
I recognise more about him than he ever wanted. He would rage/trash talk his sister everytime he brought their names up.
One time, can't remember why the argument was happening but he literally stomped his feet..like a toddler...I actually laughed
Wow the things I remember are crazy sometimes..
Wow, this is deep!
Thanks for the video.
Do you do sessions for married couple? this sounds like my husband and I
I as a wife lash out and instead of crying i actually yell and rave.....the reactive abuse for me is real, but he is the primary abuser since he is operating under manipulation
I hear that omg
i'd say that vulnerability is a solution in this , specific case (NPD) but in any case of misunderstandings and challenges between two partners, who want to resolve it an make it work. You can only work on "facts" and not "fiction". First, you need to acknowledge and accept the situation for what it is, before you can change. And vulnerability connects you to your partner. It prevents a lot of guessing and false assumptions. I can not imagine any other way on working on problems in a relationship - then being openly and honestly talking about them.
Really insightful and honest video! Thank you for sharing. My partner and I had a roommate and friend that we no longer communicate with. He often told me that he had abandonment issues. Your description of avoiding the shame that came up for you and the triggers that could lead to rage and physical abuse reminded me of him. He would rage, destroy things and he got physically abusive. Afterwards he'd say took things too far and blame shift. It was a terrifying time for us. He moved out and there's peace in our home now. I hope he finds his peace. I knew him for 10 years and could see a tormented lost soul in him.
That is awesome that you decided YOU needed to change! How did you actually get there?
That was really honest.
How can I reach you ?
Truth. Shame and guilt sucks big time. Most people don't know how horrible shame and guilt effects narcissists. Unbelievable amount of mental pain. If they view our actions through this perspective, hopefully they will be a little bit more understanding. Not condoning our actions one bit, but just trying to make people see we're human beings too.
And you are a coach?? REALLY? you are blaming the victims of narc abuse for not being so understanding.
@@PatricyaT Sure, take it whichever way you want.
Never ending, when i walk away he complains that i dont want nothing with him nothing uplifting comes from him. Just lies and fake future. Yet for 10 years i have lived DV. And been cheated and still here iam planning escape. Because i know he wont change.
Thank you for talking this through so well and your vulnerability. Can you counsel a couple with this same realization and both wanting to work on it and learn tools?
I meet with couples here rawmotivations.com/one-on-ones
This video is amazing! I sent it to my narc husband because it's like you were talking about us.
How did he handle it? I wanna do the same
@@lecesmom He decided that I'd had enough and he had to shape up or ship out.
Yes
Hi, does a Narcissist think people are always out to get them in some way? I am currently getting out of a 4 year marriage.
Not always
So its all about you and helping yourself (in those cycles) -cant you feel the pain of others, can you set aside your shame little by little to help someone genuinely seeing them as a weak human.
So, you’re saying a narc ACTUALLY TAKES RESPONSIBILITY for a negative reaction in ANOTHER?? They have momentary insight?? I thought it was always projected onto that OTHER PERSON?? I mean, they’re weak, right? THEY WEREN’T RAISED RIGHT, no?? Before you started working on yourself, Ben, you actually felt guilty about making your wife cry?? Didn’t you just tell yourself she was pathetically weak or useless? I’m seriously curious. Again, how you’ve worked through all this is BEYOND INSPIRATIONAL!! 🤘👏
He probably did think that but he’s talking from a place where he is identifying with how he felt. My narcs are not in touch or able to identify how they feel so he has learned what feelings were motivating those thoughts and actions and that gives him some awareness and power of choice if he is vulnerable and willing to be honest with himself.
1000% everything i thought about my husband....... he DOES act like a tantrum throwing toddler, he is Abusive and Vindictive BUT there are times when I sense the brokenness and damage BUT the damage he's done is H U G E just for pleasure in the moment to feel better BUT again, He KNOWS what he's doing and has done and Hates it But won't Stop the lying and avoiding. Horribly Sad esp now that he's got a very limited amount of time left on this earth (in Hospice) broken hearted Aspy wife here 💔 😢 and a Survivor who now has Severe emotional damage--- however, in Therapy and am determined that i will be stronger, wiser, more compassionate than ever
When I found out my husband was cheating and I was crying because i felt heartbroken and betrayed. He said am fake crying and I should go act movies and the crying is one trait our daugther got from me because she likes to cry and am the reason for my own demise because I went through his phone, so I broke my own heart.
He’ll soon realize he’s his own downfall ! He can’t blame you for his mistakes.
There childhoods where unfortunate and after everything my exnarc put me rhrough i still feel bad for her as a child I hate the fact she was abandoned and unloved by her mother. But I'm not sticking round for the abuse from her sorry its not happening.
Surely every miss treated child isn't a narcissist there has to some sort of choice in this path concous or non concous.
I would love to show my Husband this but it won’t work
Im learning about narcisism to understand what just happend to me. You all need God for real. I feel sorry for your wife.
What about video taping them just install cameras around the house. I think they're bullies and they're high they're evil ways and installing video cameras throughout my house will put them on the spot or will I have a fight on my hands
Did you ever make fun of her when she was crying?Have you ever shown her any emotions more less cry? It’s crazy scary how most narcissist are handsome in males .
No voice
This sounds pathetic. A person does things that lie inside of them.
Mu husband is...
I feel sorry for your wife.
I’m sure he is too but he’s working on being a better person and that’s all that matters ! Give the man some credit
His mother called him number one son as the oldest of six kids but his father was a corrupt cop. & bad dad who shamed him from a young age ❤️🩹
You are a BOSS. Glad I've met your program. My experience currently