'I thought I’d killed someone’ BBC Stories
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- Опубликовано: 30 авг 2019
- 27-year-old Connor films his every move to make sure he hasn't harmed anyone. It's just one of the compulsions he goes through due to his obsessive compulsive disorder - a mental health condition he has suffered from his entire life.
His distressing obsessions, otherwise known as intrusive thoughts, can lead him to believe he's hurt or killed someone - something he experiences all day, every day.
Having tried endless therapies he'd nearly given up hope of recovery, but believes he has one last chance to overcome his mental illness - an innovative new treatment called Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. But it costs.
Produced/directed by: Alex Gatenby
Filmed/edited by: Jemma Cox
If you need support with mental health, help and support is available. Information can be found at www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/arti...
#OCD #Mentalhealth #bbcnews
We are BBC Stories, a group of journalists making films, long and short, with the younger audience (18-24) in mind. The idea is to tackle issues which concern and impact this group of people. So think about anything from race and identity to mental health, money and much more.
OCD is a literal monster, chaining and torturing its victims every second of every minute of every day.
you are a very caring person to be so worried about hurting other people.
You're missing the point. It's a disorder of obsessive thoughts, not a moral quality of caring.
For anyone struggling with mental health issues, please reach out for professional help and don't give up. I know that sometimes resources are limited and some types of treatment might not work for everyone, but please keep trying. There are people who can help.
Rb
Makes me want to cry..thank you for bringing light on this horrible nightmare that is ocd
Hi Connor, I have this same OCD, and this made me cry too. I am a man too, my thoughts are very scary. I'm getting treatment now for pure OCD and I hope it helps. Some days are way worse than others, stay strong.
I thought my harm ocd had gone. Now it's back and I questioned myself what's wrong with killing. WHYY!!! This is not normal is it even with ocd. What do I do I'm afraid. I've become numb and ocd and all don't cause anxiety anymore. Sorta. Not initially but after a few hours or a day then it hits. What's going on and why am I numb to fear now. Had a nightmare last night of a kill house. I woke up but didn't feel fear or anxiety to why I had one. But now I'm scared I dreamt of that. This is all new what do I do.
@@snas1686 You can not fight against what you can not accept, but you can let it go. That's what your mind and body is doing, You're in the process of letting go and it will try to convince you that you are changing and becoming this "monster" but really You're not!!! You're just a human with a good heart. You must not believe in any of its tricks. Dont be afraid brother, that is what it fuels on. It attacks you intellectually so that it can enter and attack you emotionally/spiritually and bring fear into your life. It cant change you!!! So long as its happening you make sure to never let it fool you. If you do, it's not like you will act out on the thought, but it becomes a never ending cycle. It always is but what i mean is it onky gets worse and you will become more depressed. We need a sound mind during this time. I don't know if you believe God but he can lift you out of this, in the name of Jesus. You should seek to Jesus for help and see what miracles he will bring to you, as he has done for me. You still have to face it, but you will know exactly what to do and you will have sound and peaceful mind doing it. May God bless you brother ❤️🙏
@@right..5651Jesus by himself can do nothing , he isn't the creator , he was a messenger of the creator , i also have pure ocd it's hell on earth .
Stay strong everyone, we'll be okay and get through this. Sending love to everyone dealing with mental health issues, and those like me struggling with OCD and intrusive thoughts.
You saved me Connor, where ever you are now I hope your ok.
Please make a follow up video after treatment , it would be so helpful for so many people. Thank you and I hope the treatment works.
i wish you a good recovery- so you know, sharing your story has greatly help me with my own Harm OCD- you've shown me there's hope- godbless you and your family!
I'm glad it has helped you and thanks for the kind words :)
As an OCD therapist (and person with OCD) I'm absolutely astounded to hear no mention in this video of Exposure and Response Prevention therapy (a form of CBT). This has been the gold standard treatment for OCD for a good many years now and practised well, it has the power to move mountains with this condition. It can become infinitely more manageable with the help of this method over time.
I would urge anybody seeking help with OCD to find an OCD specialist experienced in working with ERP. For UK residents I would also recommend reaching out to the charity OCD Action for info and support.
Hi, are you taking clients?
good luck hun were rooting for you xx
well said Jen!
Jen mcguirk thank you :)
Connor, please keep us updated with your treatment.
Good luck Connor. You poor poor boy. I hope you get your wish. Sending you a hug. 🤗 Xx
I'm with you Connor, my OCD gets unbearable, much worse than my Bipolar.Best wishes, keep going.
Annie Rose Thanks Annie
You are not alone. I have OCD as well but I can't afford treatment and medications that you have right now. I can see that you are very lucky not because you can afford these things but because you have your mother and brother fully support you all the way.
I understand what you are really going through because I still have OCD and it wont go away. I came to realize that acceptance is the key even though Aalot of what ifs and reassurance.
Be strong Connor ur are a heartwarming person
There is light at the end of tunnel
Thank you :)
I’m going through exactly what you are going through, i have intrusive thoughts all the time and it makes me get false memories. Sometimes I don’t even know what to do I just give up. It’s so hard at times . I’ve been praying a lot and talking to my family about it. I have delt with this for so long I don’t know what to do and I feel like no one will ever be able to help me. I would never want to hurt anyone ever. It makes me sad and angry when I get these thoughts I’m so sensitive to them. The only thing that helps me is time, eventually I’m hoping it will fade away and the false memories will go and I will realize I’m not a bad person and nothing happened. Someone said even if you said you did something you would eventually realize you didn’t do it after a while it just fades away. I hope this happens for me . I don’t like living like that
Hi Emily, I'm going through the false memories now it's destroying me... But I believe these thoughts which makes me sick with aniexty! Trying to get different treatment to try and help me it's so painful.
@@sammullett17 i can't afford treatment for this what should i do?🥺
@@sammullett17 you are not alone I deal with false memories as well and I promise it gets better literally it does you won’t suffer for long. There are phases where it doesn’t bother me at all and where I even forget I have ocd but relapses do happen and it’s normal because we have a mental disorder but find an ocd specialist that does ERP (exposure response prevention)
@@NavdeepGill25 the best thing you can do is to cut out rumination I know it’s so so so hard but sitting with your thoughts and not trying to solve or judge them is going to help tremendously. This one guy told me the way he overcome ocd was by going outside everyday sitting down and for 10 minutes a day he would purposely think all of his worse intrusive thoughts and just let them sit there without doing anything. This way his brain got very desensitized and bored and it stopped bothering him.
@@chelzyramirez3663 thanks a lot ..my friend🤗
Thankyou connor, I have this too, it is very severe at this point. At the moment I don't have help but I am going back to the Dr soon and explaining to them how much I suffer, hopefully he will help me. Mine isn't harm ocd, but more so moral scrupulosity and responsibility ocd. I worry an inaction of mine could be catastrophic, it's horrible, it rips me apart (I ruminated 8 hours today and almost threw up, it was really bad), I wish this illness on nobody.
M J I hope you are getting the help you deserve . Sorry I have only just read this , I dont check it very often
@@SconHeadVideos I am really struggling with these thoughts I've been put in group therapy where no one else has these thoughts and I mentioned them today and I could tell people were uncomfortable. Have you found anything helpful?
@@zovi3363 I’ve also felt so alone with my condition until I came across Connor’s docu
@@lenalee2031 I so sorry an so glad you found Connor's story too. If you need to talk I'm happy to talk to you
Thank u
I'm living something of a half-life myself due to GAD with some elements of OCD. I feel a great deal of empathy for Connor. I know if I were the subject of such a video, I would check the comments, so if you can see this, you're not alone and from one guy that wants to be able to live a normal life to another guy with the same desire, it's inspirational you were brave enough to share your story and be so open. Your family seems lovely and understanding, which is such a gift. I hope the treatment helps. Fingers crossed we hear of positive updates to continue your inspiring story of survival, resilience and openness.
Danito thank you so much! the tratment was not a success for me unfortunately, but i am sure it will help many others. I am on a the search for new answers and hopefully I will find a solution soon. take care :)
@@SconHeadVideos hi connor have you tried changing your olanzepine to abilify? Name uk aripiprazole i was on olanzepine for sychosis when i came off it gave me ocd but ive heard abilify is good treatment for ocd
I am living exactly your life brother.... Each eand everything you came across... I have done them too..... Its too scary.... Anxious....i hope you recovere fast....
Thank you brother :)
be strong no condition permanent
Be strong Connor! I hope the treatment is effective for you!
evrolar treatment was not a success however I am still staying strong a positive, thank you :)
@@SconHeadVideos Did you tried ERP ?
Turkov no, what is ERP?
@@SconHeadVideos I'm sorry to hear that. May you find a treatment with a favorable outcome... I'm thankful for the awareness that your testimony has provided me and many more.
Continue with the positive mind and the love of your family!
@@SconHeadVideos Its exposure response prevention therapy , go on Ali greymond youtube chanel , she cured herself from Ocd by doing ERP , she help people with Ocd .
It’s so misunderstood by many people, they think it’s just lining things up or washing hands a bit too much but they don’t realise how serious it can get and what form it can take
No one is responsible for another. The one who values life and the ones who don't sometimes helps commercials exploit.
Nice to see q fellow scouser talking about this. I'm suffering so bad with it. I'm not living at this point, I'm just exisisting!
My anxiety is bad
Hello Connor I have the exact same ocd and it’s crippling you are not alone in the this.
Thanks Steph :) I hope you’re well x
@@SconHeadVideos I’m trying to hang in there the intrusive thoughts are scary.
@@stephanieward6139 We got this Steph! 💪 Chin up 🙏
@@SconHeadVideos how do you fight your intrusive thoughts?
@@stephanieward6139 By staying as active as I can. Also, the second I get a though, I tell myself to think of something positive which I can do in future
Hi Connor. I have severe OCD too and I'm also a musician (piano/keyboard). I have messaged you on FB to share my story
@joe Christie I understand what ur going through bro
What’s ur insta
We have the same condition.. i understand you brother.. i never fight it > accept it
I think that looking into ocd and psilocybin research might interest you. "Again please reach out for professional help" is a very good way to start.
On Both Sides its cool that you say that, I have been looking into it for some time now. I have been advised that it can also make things a lot worse. particularly for people with scitzophrenia
I'm going through this right now, I'm sleeping everyday because the thought is too powerful...
OCD is a coping mechanism from what I understand mate. If you can reduce the stress in your life, you’ll find it eases off quite a bit. Think about the things you could try to do less of that cause you too much stress and focus on the things that give you strength. Breathing and relaxing the shoulders are two of the most important things I have found. When we are anxious we stop breathing properly and our shoulders tense up, emphasising to the brain that we’re in danger. If you can consciously be aware of breathing properly and relaxing the shoulders, it’ll help massively!
stay strong mate!
Seeing this video and reading some of the comments is a big help to me.
Up until now I thought it was only me.
For maybe 15 years Iv suffered with the thoughts and feelings that I have killed 1-3 people.
Posting this now is hard for me as I’m worried someone will find out what Iv done.
But Iv not killed anyone. I couldn’t, I feel guilty killing bugs.. it is just that some mornings I’ll waking up with anxiety that I have killed someone.
First time I felt like I had a girl in a bin of salt at the end of the garden.
The next time I was getting rid of a body and then I remembered that there was already one at the end of the garden, so now there’s two.
(Just for clarification I don’t even own a house with a garden)
Recently I can’t shake the feeling that Iv hit a man on the on the head with a hammer and strangled him, stuffed him in something and put it in the sea, maybe. I’m not sure maybe it was in small parts in trash again, I can’t be certain.
I don’t feel like I have OCD. I don’t have any compulsive obsession, nothing that wouldn’t insult someone that actually has OCD, I mean I like things clean and tidy but that’s about it.
I don’t suffer from anxiety in general, I’m not shy, I don’t have a problem talking in groups and I don’t really care what people think. I have a lot of friends I would say I’m a really likeable guy.
But some times I’ll wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety and spend the time until morning going over it, trying to remember if I actually have done these things. Ahh! When I haven’t. It’s mental.. what is wrong with me!?
Iv tried to talk to my wife about it, she said it is because I’m feeling guilty about something else that I’m not owning up to, but that isn’t it. Now she thinks I’m weird and I feel that she’s a little scared of me.
I’m from the UK but I’m not living there at the moment and I’m not comfortable talking to a doctor here about it. Also I can’t budge the feeling that I’m going to get in trouble and that Iv been getting away with it for all these years because Iv not told anyone.. I can’t stress enough how anxious I feeling about posting this now... but the other comments have really helped me so thank you.
Ps. I don’t want electric shock therapy. It may kill my creativity and may effect other aspects of my personality.
I am going through the same thing. You may have false memory syndrome or false memory OCD. Sending you healing.
@@wheresisgod2295 🫂
Sounds like mine. I've even checked neighbours crawl spaces for bodies in the past. Often I'm in neighbours gardens checking. Everyone must think I'm insane. I've had police called on me for it.
I have exactly the same form of OCD.
Only 200£? In the US it would ad another 0 or two.
Jamie Bytheway in Spain is probably free cause we got healthcare for all, but as it‘s such an specific treatment I’m not sure. Taxes, that’s the key :)
Ocd false memories/ real events is fucking scary. I still dont know if I did that what I fear in the past. It mixed totally my memories. I also doubt my intentions. I dont know who I am and what is true anymore. I t makes me think I did what propably I didnt( propably because I cant remind myself) or that I didnt do what I should. I feel like in the fog.
@@Adam63545 can we text each other? I am like you, I am 21 and It all started 6 years ago
@@Adam63545 same here :(
I feel exactly the same everyday of my life.
@sharkobite i know exactly how that feels. I feel absolutely crazy
I'm so sorry to hear this and i really hope you get free from this. I can relate, I've been living this hell for 15 years and since the day the thoughts started I feel like I lost myself and have never had a normal life since, to make it worst most of my family and friends cut me off x
This has been my life :(
@@tommy87_888 same:( i hope it doesn't get to the point where i have to record everything
@@xtert2473 i started recording and then i stopped it’s so hard
@@lenalee2031 going to school is scary because i walk by my self so there's no one watching me and that makes me scared because i cant get reassurance from any one and i get false memory's about harming others
@@xtert2473 is it harming or actually killing?
But either way I’m very proud of you for going to school on your own! Wow that is huge. I can’t do that yet so that’s really amazing that you do that
@@lenalee2031 harming
Hello everyone! Thanks for the kind words. Sorry I don’t check the comments on here often. But when I do it’s cool to know that we’re not alone! I try to read and respond to everyone! Don’t forget to breathe and give yourself time to chill, you owe it to yourself! 👌
This is false memory ocd at its worst. I suffer with the exact same symptoms you have. Please get in contact connor.
Joe Smith Hi Joe. You can add me on Facebook , my name in there is connor stan. Thanks
Plz add me too i also have the exact same symptoms. There doesn’t seem to be many of us on youtube but I really would like to know all of the ppl going through this and would like to feel less alone in this
Mine is really bad
And mine
Mine also
I struggle with the same thoughts since I was 20 now 56
I think I need some specialist to help me figure this type of worrying and OCD (at least I think it is a type of OCD) thanks yall
I am not even sure if this happened or not, but I just want to reach out to you guys. I am not even sure if this happened, but years ago, not sure even when, I was at a house party. I was probably a very little boy who liked to mess with things that you should not have messed with. I remember going outside on the house's backyard, and I picked up some rocks (probably some really big and really small, but I don’t remember). Just about some feet away was a giant wall that separated the backyard from what I believed was the freeway ( I can confirm this to be true because I visit my grandma’s house almost every week, who lives very close to this house). I'm not even sure if I threw the multiple rocks over the wall, but I am 50-90% sure the rocks went over the wall. Thinking back to the event, I just cannot keep thinking about what happened after I threw the rocks. I keep thinking I caused like a car crash and even death because if the rocks went over the wall, somebody could have been injured or even killed because it was the freeway the rocks could have landed on. Again, I am not sure if these things even happened, but I have remembered this event, and it is causing quite a heartache thinking about it. Bruh it is so annoying because I’m tryna make it into the NBA, and sometimes this brings me down big time!
1 Day after watching OCD Video: Bruh, so basically today I was feeling good since I know I’m not the only one who suffers from this type of OCD, and was basically feeling better than the day before after watching a video on it. Then my sister was playing this roblox game called “Murder Mystery” on roblox, and she turns to me and asks, “Bill, can you spell ‘murder’?” (Quick Note: I’m not sure if she was playing “Murder Mystery” for sure, but she was playing roblox I recall, so I assumed it was...).As a result, I started to feel really bad again, and in my head, I started to feel if I really did kill someone as a result of the “event” I described above. Was it just a coincidence that she asked me to spell the word “murder”, or is it really a sign that I really did hurt someone when I threw those rocks over the wall when I was a child (which I’m not even sure happened)......
By the way, the other reason why my sister asking me to spell “murder” made me feel really bad was because afterwards, I kept recalling that the day before, if I was like “If anyone the next day mentions the word “kill” to me, then I did kill someone in the supposed rock throwing incident (basically this would indicate a sign that I did kill someone when I threw those rocks over the wall). Of course, I’m not sure if this is even true ( of me going “if anyone the next day mentions the word “kill” to me, then I killed someone when I threw those rocks).
Thank you guys again. Also, I have been dealing with OCD for what I believe to be for almost 4 years.
1st year: Worried about dying at age “53” because in my head I assumed I failed a task while sleeping (I think it was touching the pillow for at least 10 minutes or else I die at “53”)...
2nd to 3rd year: Worried that my mom is going to die and everyone else including me will live because I did not reach a specific amount of followers on instagram by a specific date. (This was also the time where the “rock throwing” incidence came to mind, but I quickly did not worry about it for too long) ( However, during quarantine, after I have successfully overcame my original OCD’s (Lots of them, which originated because of the instagram thingy), it came back and ever since I have been worrying about it)
By the way, this is the video I watched to cope with this ocd: “False Memory OCD- What is looks like!”
I got my pure o diagnosed at age 40
Hi connor whats your next line of treatment please mate?
Hi John. The beat therapy is the outdoors mate! Exercise, breathing and I find water calms me a lot. Hope you’re ok!
@SconHeadVideos yer your right. Excercise has helped me so much more than any speaking therapy or medications i have tried i had ocd and hope one day it will go all together
I worry because my compulsions aren’t the same I’m always looking behind me etc. I freak out on trains that I pushed people off the platform. Can’t b in public constantly on high alert afraid Iv hurt someone in public. I have to walk into the side so I can’t b near ppl too often same in the bathroom I’m constantly checking and freaking out I work but it’s impossible to b calm I think I need to get a diagnosis tbh. I catastrophise everything I can’t live like this anymore it’s like I hate who I am. I don’t like how I feel and what I think
Conner try venlafaxine sertraline makes them worse in my opinion
VENLAFAXINE STOPPED MY OCD XX
Connor, are you better?
Just be strong. God will help you get through it. Me too had experiencing OCD but it's not that severe so I'm trying as far as I can to cure it first on my own and also by sharing to others what I am going through so that they also can help me. I am still trying to control myself from doing something again and again. And sometimes checking and doing things that I don't like to do but I have to, just because I feel like there is something bad that will happen if I will not do it. So I am hoping that you will get through it same with me. God Bless you always and your Family Connor
+Lalesca Mergilino I am also suffering from OCD and the things u mentioned are quite similar with mine also...I am helpless and trying to control my OCD with my own..I do repeat the same actions in regular life and I don't know but I feel good for that time but it's so annoying
Lalesca Mergilino thank you so much :)
I believe these intrusive thoughts have a purpose, they need to be analysed. All the focus is being placed on shooing them away, and the more focus is placed on (stopping) them the stronger they get. If their true nature is analysed, and the reason behind these thoughts is understood, they can be accepted, calmed down and eventually their impact reduced. I have my own theory about this particular scenario. It completely makes sense to me but might not be everyone's cup of tea. I empathise with Connor and hope he is able to break through these intrinsic thoughts and live his life fully and completely.
Shruti Kamble there may be some truth in that. I am on a path of deeper exploration and I plan on trying mushrooms as I believe this will allow me to look deeper inside myself
I wonder if he is reliving something from a past life x I have often had dreams where I have hidden a body and am afraid the people around me will find it ( I haven't killed anyone of course!). The dreams are so strong and feel so real. I would love to have a past life regression or any kind of hypnosis for this. I am a middle aged, balanced and worldly wise, confident person so i don't feel that it's just my inner fears at work. I really do believe it is something from my deep past. Hope this helps xxx
Nope. He's got ocd. His amygdala is sending him excessive messages.
I think all shooters who do either mass or school-type shootings here and heck maybe all killers really, who plan meticulously those kills after their first (I've been told the first one just kinda happens-idk) have ocd of this kind.
@@eprosweiss7057 dude I have diagnosed stage like 3 or level 3 or whatever OCD which is the second highest you can have. But it's been proven that people who shoot up schools people who shoot up you know whatever and people who kill people have the obsessive thoughts about doing it before they do it and there are different forms of OCD obsessive thoughts doesn't always come with the compulsion the obsessive thoughts can lead to a compulsion. For example if you obsess repeatedly about murdering someone eventually might murder someone as a compulsion. So don't tell me I don't know when I'm talkin about considering I've had this issue since I was 9 probably younger but definitely diagnosed at 9 the same time I went through cerebral palsy clinic and they diagnosed me with ADHD and guess what it wasn't a questionnaire either time it was a neurological test along with a series 4 days worth of tests to figure out what was wrong with me and ADHD and OCD were the two ones that came up. Not to mention like anxiety and s*** but that didn't really I have a big problem until I was much older. Anyway don't assume stuff before you go after someone that is b******* okay I've lived with this literally since I can remember I've obsessed about killing myself to the point where I've almost killed myself repeatedly and it's a miracle I'm still alive because I didn't do minor attempts I did it's a miraculous thing that I'm still alive type attempts. You don't know what you're talkin about don't go after people again what I said is Maybe and a pretty sure one of the biggest things that all of these people have in common is obsessive thoughts and a compulsion to do it pretty sure that covers the bases
@@eprosweiss7057 and furthermore OCD people don't always have empathy about other people don't give me that because my stepfather also had OCD and he was a diagnosed sociopath with a complete lack of empathy he would rape me at 3 years old and laugh about it so please save your b******* Logic for someone who doesn't know more about this issue
That is unlikely. People with OCD are less likely to commit the acts in their mind. It is possible that some of these people were misdiagnosed as well. Misdiagnosis does happen. If you get anxiety from thinking the thoughts, it's less likely you truly want to act on them.
Not true. Majority of OCD sufferers never act on their thoughts. This is a very horrible thing to post and will contribute to further suffering.
Completely wrong. Those who carry out mass shootings and murders don't have intrusive thoughts about it and find those thoughts pleasurable. They obviously don't feel any sort of anxiety about it, compared to someone who has intrusive thoughts and deals with anxiety/distress.