I'm gonna use hoodies and their colors as examples(but in this examples your forever stuck with the one hoodie): For me, gender dysphoria is more of I see my clothes as yellow. I like the the yellow and really want it to be permanent but every now and then someone goes "Hey, you look good in green" or "That's a nice green hoodie. You look good in green." But I hate green. Green might someone else's favorite color and they always look good in it, so why can't i look good and feel confident in green? Everyone says I'm green and i believe it. But at a young age, I believed I was wearing green but as I've seen more examples of green things and yellow things I learn the difference. I hate green but love the yellow. I keep wishing I was given a yellow hoodie but I'm stuck with green. The more I look at my hoodie the more yellow it tends to be but I ignore it. I don't do anything about it. I talk to others irl and online about the color difference. People say they thought they had blue, but it felt like purple and changed it to be purple. I realized that I want to be yellow. I ask my friends to acknowledge my hoodie as yellow even though at the times it's green or not address the green hoodie at all. I ask the purple hooded person, who started their change from improper blue a long time ago, after years of debating if I really want yellow. They said the just had to take the time to slowly turn it purple. Little by little. Naturally you do that but with green to yellow. But people notice. "Why is your hoodie yellow? You looked better in green. Do you need help? It's probably a phase and she'll go back to green." You try your hardest to ignore the comments but you can't. You learn to not respond but it still hurts. Eventually, you get your hoodie to a close yellow, but the people who made the hoodie (parents) don't like it. If you get to close to yellow, they remind you "who you truly are" and squirt blue die to cancel out the yellow into green. You feel like shit and trick yourself into thinking you were just wanted attention or just fetishize green but you talk to the purple person again. And they help you re-dye the hoodie. You are truly yellow and love it but, Everytime you look too close at the hoodie for too long you see the patchy green trying to seep through. Or maybe someone says something and in result, accidentally spill green due on it. You correct them and sometimes they apologise for it but other times they claim they're right and they know you're hoodie is green. Maybe you accidentally do something and get reminded of how your hoodie was not made with yellow coloring. Sometimes you break down and just accept you'll never be yellow and forever stuck as a misfitting green/stuck in the wrong color palette. Sometimes you feel like the most yellowest yellow to ever yellow. But nonetheless, you've at least found people who'll help re-dye your yellow hoodie no matter how many times. You are yellow and that is something that cannot change.
I relate to this on a personal level. See I often thing that I’m just green and I’m asking for attention by identifying as yellow, I like green, if the green was on different person it would be pretty but I’m not comfortable in green I’m more comfortable in yellow, but I’m scared that later I will change my liking and decide that I want to be green or that my yellow hoodie will be as ugly as my dads yellow hoodie and I don’t want my dad yellow hoodie I want a different yellow hoodie.
Very well put! I love how you use such a simple object such as a yellow hoodie to describe the gender identity you feel most comfortable with and the green hoodie to describe how you were born and how others see you. It’s the perfect example of how it feels! I felt like this puts my life into a summary. These feelings are terrible and you just want to be seen and taken seriously as the identity you feel fits you and it’s like no matter how hard you try everything and everyone wants to remind you that you weren’t born that way and that you’re not supposed to be that way and they think they’re helping you when in reality they’re just adding another scar to your already scarred heart! It’s even worse when you think it’s true but you know you’re just letting what they say get to you because you know what’s true for you and nobody gets to take that away from you!
dysphoria for me, as a non-binary person is this feeling of needing to hide myself away, because what I look like is shameful to me. and wanting a body that I might not be able to have but wanting it so bad it hurts. it's as if the kind of body I want isn't a real thing and I'm trapped in a place with nowhere to go
Me too.I suffer from breast dysphoria...I have always wanted to have male chest, but unfortunately I am trapped in a biologically female body with quite large breasts,that I can't get rid of, without changing my name into a male one and without taking testosterone treatment
For me, it feels like there's a hole in my chest that only I can see. Everytime I get misgendered, deadnamed, see my chest and when it's at its worst, my voice, I feel the hole open more and more.
I feel the same. It feels like a big uncomfortable gaping black mass at the center if my chest and its suffocating like its filling my lungs and all I want to do is cry or scream. I feel a little better knowing that someone else feels similar
For me, dysphoria was like this voice in the back of my head constantly reminding me that I would be happier female. Growing up in a very religious conservative military household I tried everything I could think of to convince myself I wasn’t transgender. But like hunger, I could put it off for a time, but it grew in intensity and frequency. What initially was an occasional intrusive thought, over the decades became this constant screaming in the back of my mind that interfered with my every day and made me regularly suicidal. Just acknowledging it for what it was was just such a massive relief.
This is exactly how I feel, I'm 25 and only just exploring all this stuff but it's good to read these comments, I'm super confused about everything but I'm learning s lot 😊
This is quiet exactly how I feel. Finally getting some clarity, since im only 24 and raised in a orthodox Christian household, I was very good at supressing my feelings..I always couldn'tunderstandthe reson it resurfaced though, now I do.. thanks a lot for sharing. It feels really gud to not b alone 😊.
I can relate so much to that coming out for has just relieved so much self hate but I’m so scared to move forward because of my surroundings and where I am but I know I can’t back down it’s all very hard but me struggling with dysphoria was so hard for everyone the truth has been hard but I’m just sick of hating myself
Dysphoria, for me; is the dichotomy between the ideal woman who I wanna be, and the person who I see in the mirror. Most of the time, I feel a palpable disconnect, like the person who I see in the mirror isn't really me. I pass a little bit better now than I used to; and my dysphoria occurs less often, and to a lesser degree than it used to. Every once in a while, though, it roars back with a vengeance. It hurts.
For me personally, it's like being homesick or having phantom limbs. Before I realized I was trans, looking in the mirror felt like I was looking at several puzzle pieces that had been jammed together, despite not quite fitting right. Afterwards, it was like I was a disembodied spirit walking around in someone else's body. Transitioning has alleviated a lot of that dysphoria, so a majority of the in-congruence is like the homesickness now. I think what distinguishes it from body dysmorphia or a generally bad body image is that your goal isn't necessarily to be beautiful; rather, you just want to look like yourself. It's why I tended to favor even the stranger changes that came with HRT, like body hair and veiny arms.
I have been lucky to have cured my dysphoria by transitioning. It is 99% gone. I used to think my dysphoria would come and go over time, that it was not there sometimes. It wasn't until I experienced a lack of dysphoria now that I realized that every day of my life it nagged or raged at times at me. Sometimes I just wanted to put my head through a wall to stop the pain. It's like someone with years of hip pain who only realizes how much pain they were in after getting hip replacement. To you cis people, this is REAL. It isn't because we are weird or sinful or mentally ill. We are just as beautiful as you are. Now dig down deep inside and find a little empathy for a group of people who are in such pain that over 40% of us attempt to end it all. To trans folks, never give up. Never lose your core of strength, stay positive. You are beautiful.
Well, I was born a female, and I’ve always had long hair. My dad refuses to let me cut it, and it really gets to me sometimes. My dad is transphobic just from the way he talks about trans people, “they have a mental illness that no one is caring about” or my personal least favorite, “you were born a girl, that means you should stay that way!” And he now gets irritated when I ask to cut my hair even a little bit. His reasoning is that he “likes long hair on girls” but what if I’m not a freaking girl? I look in the mirror and just want to do everything to change myself, because I hate having to look like a girl all the time. Every time I’m introduced to someone new, my dad and grandma are just like, “ oh this is [deadname]!” And it hurts so freaking badly! Oh my freaking god! And I’ve come out and my dads just like “you’re always gonna be my baby girl! And I’m just feeling inside that I want to hit him ;-; they still call me my dead name, and only my best friend out of all of the people I’ve told (which isn’t a lot but whatever) calls me Rae. (Ik it still sounds feminine but I like it wayyyy more then my deadname) but yeah! That’s all! Whoever read this all I hope you have a hood day/evening/night! Thanks for reading!
I am so sorry your father isn't being supportive. Glad to hear you have friends who are there for you. Sometimes, it takes a long time for parents to come around.
I hope things are better or that you’ve at least gotten to cut your hair. If you haven’t though, at least you can force it by cutting it yourself (and then getting it styled after hopefully). Your dad cant do much about that lol
I’m sorry your dad is being a douche. Screw him though Rae, I can’t believe he’s so obsessed with your hair! Hopefully you can move out soon and improve on what you want to
People who never met you, except online, can’t really grasp the entirely of your situation (myself included). So when someone says they love you online, who knows...but you only have one dad, and maybe there are deeper things than the transgender stuff going on when it comes to you and him that need working out. He said he loves you. Don’t be too quick to throw that away. Also, just my two cents, but many people right now want more meaning, something special, something that calls to them in their life, that helps define them as a person, that feels real and authentic...and maybe that’s what you’re seeking, too. Maybe you’re trying to find your “true self.”. But that sense of relief and happiness and *belonging* is never going to come through changing how you dress or look, or what sex organs you have. (BTW I hated puberty; I hated when my hips widened, I hated hated hated developing breasts. Puberty sucks. But it kind of sucks for most people, I think...that’s life lol. Plus your emotions make everything ten times more dramatic.) Don’t mistake wanting to belong, to find a place where you’re accepted, with the idea that you must change your sex. In other words, watch out for the crocodiles...if somebody “accepts” and “supports” you coming out as transgender...test how they behave if you tell them you realized you’re actually not transgender at all. Will they kick you out of their club? Personally, I think people are seeking happiness. They want to belong, they want to find true meaning and joy and a higher purpose on this strange, sometimes very screwed up planet called Earth. And a person might feel better, even for a few years, by changing how they look, and asking others to use a new name- basically changing their entire identity. But then, someday, you’ll realize that your name and your outfits and how you wear your hair...that is not who you are. So maybe it’s not about the hair? And in the meantime, don’t be too quick to alienate people, like your dad, because you think they just don’t “get you”, while all those amazing online people who you’ve never actually met really deeply understand. You’re much more than this little body, you’re much bigger and grander than this lump of flesh. Think about Yoda...he’s not so wrong. Namaste.
Everyday I would get up, go out and with every woman I'd see I'd think, "Lucky girl." Then my heart would sink like a stone and I'd fight to hold back my tears.
@@DRZPHD Thank you Dr Z. It was an extremely painful period of my life spent chronically depressed and suicidal for two decades. Just talking about it brings tears to my eyes. I did not kill myself because I could not do that to my wife and children. In 2011 I started going out again as Shirley once a month. On March 15th of 2012, my 11th trip out, I was so very happy and so comfortable in the feminine role and felt so accepted by the people at the salon that suddenly I just couldn't bear the idea of going back to living life as a man. I didn't go back and I hit the family wall like a crash car. I call it the 6 second transition. Things worked out with the family in a few months and the last 7 years of my life have been the happiest ever. I love happy endings.
@@shirleycorning1213 I am so so happy for you and I agree, nothing compares to living your life as yourself, even if it comes with big looses and sacrifices.
Shirley, thanks for replying! Your words are enlightening. Sometimes it is a thorn in the flesh; on better days it is an itch, am trying to let it stay that way. I wish you all the happiness in life with that golden heart of yours!
when i look at myself in the mirror, only my eyes feel like mine. sometimes, i can ignore the fact that i look female, but then people call me a girl and i can't. somedays, i don't recognize myself at all and i feel like i look too feminine for anyone to see me as a guy, but other times i don't understand why anyone could see me as a girl, when to myself, it's so obvious that i'm not
I'm still kinda questioning myself, but i often feel like im just another soul invading someone else's body. I mostly just try to ignore everything telling myself "im fine, this is nothing." I feel like im wearing a mask so thick i might have even tricked myself. I feel like my mind might have even made a separate personality just to ignore the feeling i have inside because when im in public or just around friends and family, i dont really feel anything, its like its not even there, but when im alone to myself and my thoughts, i just hurt. I get really frustrated and angry and feeling like breaking everything around me. Everyday it feels like im slowly losing myself, but whenever someone talks to me or even is in the general area, my mind is just like "what were we worrying about again?" It's like my feeling just get shoved and buried somewhere deep within me while they are there so it's easier to hide. I still dont quite understand what these feelings mean, but my gender does come into it a lot.
Hi and thanks for sharing. I am so sorry to hear about inner turmoils you are struggling with. I always do encourage people to try to speak to someone, even if its not a gender therapist.
^THIS! I feel like when i was a kid i was "Corrected" for acting girly, So i wore a mask with the intention of removing it when i was older and therefore free. But i worry that i have worn the mask for so long the person beneath it has died.
So...I was raised believing in re-incarnation. Meaning, we are souls, and we incarnate many times on Earth. But more than that, the emphasis is on the first part..the “we are souls” part. This is a machine we inhabit- a temporary temple for the soul, if you will. A complicated puppet made up of bone and flesh, a brain, etc. And the soul is sexless. I’ve experienced, when very sick and having trouble breathing, the sense that I was trapped inside a shell- a prison incasing me. It was a horrible, horrible feeling. And the breathe- in and out all day long. We are very much tethered to this physical thing, but it is not what we are. It feels to me like you’re seeking something deeper, something more meaningful than what is currently offered in conversations and daily life. I hope you can find it. For me, meditation is extremely important. Namaste.
Sometimes I can’t stop looking at myself in the mirror, not because I find myself disgusting but because I can’t see how that’s supposed to be ME. The body I’m in is lovely and healthy and strong, but it is completely and utterly wrong for me. It feels like a waste. I feel like I’m in a disguise, and sometimes I can play it up and be what other people expect me to be, but every time I do I feel like I’m withering away inside and killing the person I am. The disconnect makes me feel so alone, so isolated. Sometimes just thinking about the difference between the person I am and the person I’m expected to be and seen as being sends me into a depressive or suicidal train of thought. I relate most heavily to inanimate objects, fictional beings, or mythical creatures because I feel so foreign in the world and the body I occupy.
@@youarehere7284 I appreciate the kind words and encouragement, but the pain I’m referencing here is not the pain of not knowing myself. I do a wonderful job of loving myself as I am. The pain is one of feeling as though no one else knows me. I’ve made my peace with those feelings as best I can and am always working toward being more and more comfortable within my place in the world, but I’m afraid that you’re offering a good solution to the wrong problem. Although I would far prefer simple compassion and a listening ear to advice in this case, you’ve given me a good reminder for other parts of my life, and I wish you peace as well.
For me, dysphoria is hoping to see a beautiful young girl with long, luxurious hair, a cute face, flawless skin, and a fit body when you look in the mirror and ending up seeing a boy with a hairy, overweight body, and a five-o-clock shadow that wont quit. While im thankful that I discovered my gender sooner rather than later, I wish that I could just flip a switch and make myself look like the girl that I know I am.
For me, dysphoria feels like I'm trapped in a nightmare. My chest tightens and I get nauseous and I wanna curl up in a ball and cry and tell myself that I'll wake up soon even though I know I won't. It looms over me like a cloud and whenever my mom or anyone else misgenders or deadnames me, I instantly panic. It's like I'm a spy sneaking around and suddenly someone notices me and calls me out and shoots me down. It's like I'm trying to explain a complicated math problem to a cockroach. I try to tell my family how I feel but they refuse to understand and then they ask me why I'm so stressed out and they say I'm "not naturally depressed" and that I need to stop suicide batting them because they're "doing what's best for me". I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in this prison of a body and I might not be able to get out because my medical condition might prevent me from starting HRT. I'm trapped.
Hi. I am so sorry to her your painful account of dysphoria. Not being able to start HRT due to medical condition must be so devastating!! My heart really goes out to you.
Whatever medical condition you might have that you suffer, try to look into water fasting, look up Loren Lockman here on youtube, try to get your body into as much healthy state as possible if you can.
A single misgendering is like being stabbed with a small pen knife. The more misgendering I encounter, over a certain period of time, the pain becomes exponentially stronger. This video really touched on a lot of personal items. It is wonderful that you are putting this content out there for the masses. I hope it makes a difference.
Hey Wendy I'm just wondering bc I'm a female trapped in a mans body how can I even start HRT I've hidden this for so long and really need someone I can talk to about this bc I'm ready to be who I was meant to be
@@davidlitteral7828 Hi. First off, I would recommend seeing a therapist, especially a therapist who has worked with transgender individuals before and supports the LGBTQ+ community. Second, I would be happy to talk with you about what you're experiencing. I'm not sure of the best way to exchange contact information. Hope to hear from you soon.
My gender dysphoria feels like a voice constantly telling me that I'm the opposite gender, one time I was taking a shower and a thought flew across my mind, I saw myself peeling and by peeling I mean ripping my skin off I saw myself ripping my skin off and under there was a girl. Me.
gender dysphoria for me: it feels like a never-ending scream in the back of my head.. every time i get reminded it just gets louder until i distract myself in some way or just end up having a panic attack.. also there is this feeling of regret that i cant explain, like regretting birth or something i don't know.
@T-Shades that's exactly how it is for my child. The visible change when they don the binder is acutely noticeable. The 1st time they wore it, they cried tears of absolute joy. I would use their name (not their deadname) but I haven't discussed this with them. Whatever sex my child was assigned at birth didn't matter then and it doesn't matter now. The only thing that does matter is their happiness. As for the name I and my husband decided on, again, that doesn't matter (if I like it so much, then why don't I use it?), only our child's happiness matters. I wish you nothing but the very best, you're amazing and fabulous. xxx
For me, accepting that I have gender dysphoria and that I might be a women is like opening Pandora's box and not being able to shut it. I didn't grow up questioning my gender, I was a boy and that was that, I never even questioned it nor did it matter at the time. Anything that might indicate otherwise I rationalized away with the explanations that I was only doing it cuz I was lonely. And the one time I did question it to a friend it ended up in a very awkward response so I just tried to move on from it. I even supressed my own bi sexuality at some point convincing myself that my obsession with the female physique was just me lusting over them. Then I got into a relationship and none of those feeling changed, they only intensified. I would look at my girlfriend at the time and wish I could dress and look like her. Its what made me really start to think about it and now I can't stop thinking about it. And it's been stressful but also very liberating. I'm not fully out to people or even started transitioning. But the steps I have taken such as dressing up, doing makeup, coming up with a name I'm really happy with have all made me feel great about myself. I listen to the music I want without worrying if I'm gonna be made fun of it cuz it's to girly. I'm opening up to my bi sexuality again instead of being obsessed with being with a women. And looking back at my childhood there were many things I liked partly do to with androgeness aspects. Like emo fashion and anime characters, where allot of guys display femmenine aspects or atleast blur the line a bit. Truth is looking back I have never truly felt like a boy/man, but I always thought it was for other reasons like not being tough enough or not having enough facial hair. now I'm close to my 30s and I'm unhappy. And I know being a women won't make my life easier (Infact from what I understand it may only make things harder) and yet I still can't help feeling things would be a whole lot better if I was just born a female from the start. And considering I'm the type of person to find a million reasons not to do something, I have plenty of reasons why it be easier to just remain a cis male and yet can't talk myself out of not wanting to transition to female. All the reasons in the world doesn't change how I feel, and that I'm at a point where I been essentially living a double life, and I'm sick of living 2 lives.
I am a transgender female, I have none this since I was 5y/o , I remember telling my mom that I was a girl, she said no!!! You are a boy, she spanked me and sent me to my room. My dad came home and spanked me and left me in my room. I am 57 y/o now, back then there wasn't enough or any info on transgender. So I did my best to play the role I was told to be. I am trying to transition now, it is not easy, I wish I could have done it when I was much younger. To those who feel that they are transgender, educate yourself and do what you feel is best.
Thanks for revealing your distain for women. We are human. Yet you want to mimic us for validation. We are female not some identity costume. Show some fucking respect!
When I’m wearing a nice dress and have my make up just right, I look in the mirror and feel so emotionally content it’s hard to describe. When I need to return back into male mode i feel like I’m sinking into the black hole of depression.☹️
Then don't. Don't go back, stay who you are, no matter what others think. It's terrifying but so worth it. Live this life is for yourself because if is the only one you're gonna have, so make the best of it (unless you believe in reincarnation of course).
@@cockycookie1 not everyone has that option, sadly. For the longest time I've suspected there was "something wrong with me" without knowing what. It wasn't until much later that I found out that transgenderism even exists (my language until about that time didn't even have a word for it). And then when looking at what it was and starting to think it applied to me I also found out that it was illegal... Transitioning was literally against the law. That law's now changed, but in a way that still makes it next to impossible because of the many hoops you need to jump through (e.g. you can't get your birth certificate changed until you've had gender reassignment surgery, but you can't get that surgery until you had your birth certificate changed). So yes, it is quite possible to have to live your public life as a "normal" person and be transgender only in private, in secret. For me personally I'm starting to be more open about it in public, except from my professional life where it'd probably lead to serious problems including losing my entire line of employment (which depends on being considered "incorruptible" and being transgender would likely be considered being easily subverted by blackmail or bribery (people in my line of work who were found out to have specific fetishes and kinks have lost their jobs over that, and being trans is still considered mostly a fetish or kink here outside the medical field). So again I have to live a double life, present as a man (albeit one with a somewhat weird fashion sense maybe) to my colleagues while to the rest of the world I can present as a (rather masculine looking) woman. That may change, as I am considering talking to my doctor and starting the medical process by finding a psychologist to guide me through that, which would take years. But my doctor may well tell me it's not a viable option given my medical background of chronic disease.
Im a bit late, but i haven't been able to describe my dysphoria to anyone and therefore havent been able to get help, im going to do my best here though. For me gender dysphoria is a constant feeling of "i wish i was born a boy" and "why did i have to be a girl" it is constant reminders of how certain things about me and how others see me is so far from what i want them to see that it is debilitating. Ill forget about it sometimes untill i do something that reminds me, "hey, your voice is really high pitched" or "you know your hips are really wide and you have a big chest" or if someone calls me pretty or compliments feminine features on my body i will literally start to cry For me its looking at myself and not seeing what i expected when i do so, i want nothing more than to have a deep voice and masculine features, but because i kept these thoughts to myself when i was a child people assume that i never showed any signs, i wish there was a way to better explain myself and that i had time to go through my whole life to people who can help me transition, but alas, i am not very articulate
Thank you for sharing your story. Even through you have never voiced it as a child, and many do not for various reasons, does not mean that the feelings weren't there.
It's never too late! You are very articulate and your story sounds spot on with my whole life... I'm 54 and just beginning... 10 whole days on testosterone now lol... every morning I scan my face for hair growth.... my only regret is not starting decades ago but I grew up in a different time... didn't even know it was possible till my 40s
@@crickus5249 well congratulations on 10 days, im so happy for you, and i may not know you but im proud of you for having the courage to be yourself no matter what, it takes a special kind of person to be able to do that :) god knows I'm not brave enough to so much as come out right now haha, but i did get my first haircut around a month ago which felt great, transitioning seems a little but less scary since i did that
Yeah, I haven’t been coping very well with dysphoria my whole life. It’s been so repressed that I’m essentially just now realizing how terrible it is and everything’s coming down all at once.
My boyfriend has recently came out as trans and he’s been feeling guilt tripped and horrible in his body, I’ve been doing a lot of research to help him due to quarantine and you’ve been so much help thank you so much xxxx
DR Z PHD thank you too miss, what you’re doing is excellent and I’ve told them to go and watch your videos and they feel so much better and have happily celebrated ftm trans day today :)
It's like hating that people are attracted to you because they don't like YOU they like the thing they think you are. It's like walking and feeling good about myself and suddenly I'll pass a mirror Or feel my chest bouncing Or my brain reminds me of how I look Or I have to speak. It's a reality check in the worst way possible.
My childhood sometimes seems so messed up, that I don't really know, if these feelings were dysphoria or depression or something else. There were a couple times where I put on female clothing and make up and I felt more alive than ever before in these moments. I tried to fit in with all the boys in schools, always knowing, that I don't relate to them, that I'm just different - but I thought there were different reasons behind that. After school I had a long period where I had no male friends at all, which I realised later. For me, it just felt good, I just felt like I could be more me. This was also the time where I experimented with make up and dresses for the first time on my own, but after just a couple bad things happened because of that, I went back to passing as male. Later, these moments repeated. Feeling free with good people around me, experiencing transphobia and going back to pass as male. Recently, I found enough courage to dress as female on a daily basis and my whole world changed inside me. I was very skeptical at first, if I'm really trans. Also because I didn't had huge body dysphoria. But now I feel it.. I have a dog and it is one of the hardest parts to go out on a walk and to have to speak to her with a male voice. It makes me reliving the moments of transphobia when I feel people stare at me, wondering about my deep voice. Nothing bad happened tho, nobody called me out or hurt me verbally yet. But the fear stays.
For me it feels like I'm really in the wrong body and I was never meant to be born as a girl. It's been like that since i was 4, but it didnt hit too hard till puberty. Didnt help that I started it early too(at 8 years old) My dad says dysphoria doesn't exist, I honestly can't stand him. Dysphoria makes me cry almost everyday. It feels like I'm in the wrong skin and I just need to get out. I vividly remember asking if i could take off my shirt too at camp because it was really hot, and the boys got to do it, and I said I'm a boy too. The counsler didnt buy it at all. I wanted to vomit looking into a mirror and seeing my female body, I felt sick looking at it, especially when i was little, I couldnt understand why but I wanted to have a male body. When puberty started I felt so alienated, not only because i started it early, but also because it felt so wrong. When i saw my brother going through male puberty in my head, i was thinking "I need that, I can't stand this puberty." I suppressed my feelings of dysphoria for years, then about 2 months ago they came back, oh and it hit so hard too. I cried everyday for a month and I found myself crying multiple times a day from dysphoria. I sometimes wish I could go back to suppressing them, but that won't fix anything. One thing that makes me feel a bit affirmed is at school I pass as male and I get called by my name (Enzo) and male pronouns. They automatically assume I'm cis so that made me very happy. But then I come back home and am getting constantly misgendered and deadnamed, and usually cry myself to sleep. My mom got me a gender therapist, I see her on monday for the first time. I'm excited, and nervous. It's a step forward in my transition though, and my mom is trying to understand dysphoria and being transgender. At least she's making an effort unlike my dad. I hope to start hrt in a year or 2. I'm really getting tired of feeling like I want to peel my skin off everyday. But I gotta be patient, which I'm not very good at, but I'm trying my best.
The concept of gender didn’t really occur to me until I got a bit older. I didn’t feel dysphoria as a little kid. It gradually started to come on throughout time. As an adult it started to get so bad I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror. Even when I started identifying my feelings, I was afraid to express it outwardly. I did small things, then big things with my appearance, telling myself it was for “x reason” but the incredibly amazing feeling I got led me closer to feeling like the person in the mirror, I was just so afraid to admit it. I’m still afraid, but I finally don’t want to rip my skin off. I finally don’t feel so dissociated and self-loathing in ways I could never explain. I’m awful with words anyway. I finally feel attractive to myself and I finally feel grateful for being myself as a person instead of hiding it. I live in a state where misogyny runs rampant, and I’ll inevitably be misgendered and still face sexism. I’ll still have days where I’ll cry. I’ll still have days where I’ll feel so lost I’ll wonder “what’s the point?” I know that, but at least I’m not forcing myself to allow it to consume me.
"Being in someone else's body. Hating parts of you that are beautiful because they don't feel like yours". This one resonated with me. I'm a young transgender man who spent all of his life hearing from others that I was an attractive girl. So my first thought was that my friends would find it weird that I don't want to be a girl, and assume that it's because I think myself as an ugly girl. The problem is not that I think I'm ugly. I also thought I was pretty good looking for a girl. But the problem is not my looks, it's the gender. And I think that's a mistake cis people might make: assume it's not because of the gender but rather some other kind of insecurity. Like "Oh, you just think you're trans because you don't think you're pretty enough in your assigned gender". But my problem wasn't being an ugly girl, it's just being a girl. To me gender dysphoria is a pretty tamed but constant feeling. Like little drops of everyday disappointment that might explode someday given a bad situation that triggers me. "I feel like a guy with breasts". But the worse for me is the social dysphoria. "Girl" means nothing to my identity. It only means something when it's thrown at me as an excuse to shame me or force me to do something "because I'm a girl". So strangers casually miss gendering me does nothing, but when someone angrily tells me that I'm girl I have a physical reaction of feeling dizzy like I almost want to faint, feeling like I'm going to puke, wanting to run away and I just want the person to stop passive agressively calling me a girl...
I look at the mirror and she mocks me, I see my hands and I cringe at how big they are, the width of my shoulders, lack of a waist. I feel heavy and bulky. I have heard "Sir", and He and His for so long that my soul is calloused to it. I'm emotionally numb and sometimes I can't handle it and retreat into a dark quiet space inside where there is nothing and I can just not exist for a time. Other times something sets me off and I feel like I'm just barely connected to my physical body by my head and my self is turned to the side or floating behind me. It's an awful existence.
That feeling of not belonging, of having no meaning and when you see others who seem to have the confidence to do what you can not, it's a feeling of shame, being ashamed of being so cripplingly ashamed of yourself that you dare not present publicly in the manner that would make you feel comfortable because you're afraid of what society will say. You try to run from it, but you can't, you try to distract yourself but it doesn't work and in the end, you come right back to the same desire to be someone other than the person you present to society. It hurts, and no matter what you do to try and outrun it or hide it, it just feels like you're putting on a mask for the sake of acceptance.
@@DRZPHD Thank you, I'm still very much at the beginning of the process, I am currently looking into getting an appointment with my GP to see if I can get a referral to a therapist.
What it takes to have gender dypshoria to me is I feel like I want to change my gender almost everyday. It’s like I want be a girl but I also want to be a boy more than a girl. I feel more comfortable calling myself a boy. I want to dress in masculine clothes more often than feminine clothes. I feel insecure about my body. I have schizophrenia I have thoughts in my head telling me I’m a girl, and transphobic thoughts in my head. I still get misgendered all the time.
Just wanted you to know that I have read your heartbreaking 💔 letter. Although I don't personally experience dysphoria, it doesn't mean to say that I'm unsympathetic to your plight 🤔 As a poet I have written about this & transgender after having spoken to many that have experienced both. I wish I could offer you a solution other than suggesting therapy, just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you. Regards David 🦖🦋
I was tears while watching this video, im 23 and i hate myself just because of the gender i was born, it is so painful just to wake up and look at my self to the mirror with the thought that im not who i really im, it makes me cry, every time i go out i just winder if people sees my male parts or not and it freaks me out and its so painful, i just wish that all of us in here get there treatment and feel a little bit of happiness by charing a lil bit of our stories
Thanks, Edna Mode! No for real though, thank you for elaborately, thoroughly, and compassiinately explaining what gender dysphoria is. It helps trans people with actual mental conditions such as thy to further introduce the proper idea of what bwing transgender is to the general public. People need to understand that being transgender isn't a lifestyle, but more of a condition where it eats the patient's sanity and emotions when not treated.
how you explained it with the haircut & pimples is how i feel most of the time, like i'm dealing with it but if someone (let's say my parents) refer to me as "daughter" or someone refers to me as "miss" or "girl" i just can't stop thinking about that interaction. tbh, i experience dysphoria through my anxiety--it's like the two merged together or something
It's the chaos that dominates my thoughts of the present, detached from past or future. It's the grey noise of a fancy suit, and the cheerful, embarrassed joy of a simple skirt. It's the guilt of hurting either me, or what I was meant to be. It's the willpower to learn martial arts to defend myself, because I'd rather risk my life as a woman than be safe as a man. Thank you for the video. Thanks for everybody's contribution =D
Thank you for the work you do and for sharing the perspective of folks struggling with transitioning and dysphoria and not being able to recognize yourself in the mirror. Said so much about how I have felt since I was very young especially since puberty. At 46 It is getting so much harder to hide and feel all the energy hiding and trying to be someone I'm not has robbed me of precious years. I feel it is too late for me to transition and have a lot of fear and am so angry at myself because I feel if I can get past that I would not have ongoing regrets and added missed time in life
@@DRZPHD thank you. I am trying to convince myself it's not too late and to start feeling the pain of not letting myself sooner and all the time lost. I admire that person who did in their 80's just hope I can much sooner
I have been dealing with gender dysphoria for so long,it's hard for me to play 2 characters. Gender dysphoria wants me to be the woman I need to be.I am scared because those who knew me do not accept what is real for me.Everyone outcasted me and I'm ok but i need d to progress with my transition cause the gender dysphoria is so strong and is constantly active thus making it hard to handle lifes tasks.I am a work in progress.
Only recently have a truly began to realize I might have dysphoria (I’m still uncertain out of fear), but with this vivid “tomboyish” brain of mine, I really see it like.. when I recollect my past life for the 500th time, for some reason, it’s all dull and dark. I see a shy, anxious person hiding behind a wall of long hair that’s only long because that person convinced themself they’re girly for 15 years. Then, I allow myself to imagine myself as a male instead of pushing the thought away. I see someone with short hair, styled just the way I’d like, showing off his energetic energy as a boy with other boys. It’s a blast of beautiful colors. Why do I see this? I didn’t even intend to make a metaphor out of it but it just happened. I don’t even know for sure sure yet if I have dysphoria, because everyday I’m still doubting myself with the tiniest excuses and fears. My external appearance and personality always seemed so much like a girl’s, cute and shy, likes drawing and anime. But in there was a boy who loves games, cute things, and singing, someone with a weird but happy personality. Someone who desperately wished for other boys to view him the same but couldn’t. Everyone saw a shy, sweet girl. ......but in the same time, I’m still a little doubtful. If only I could just push a button to get instantly diagnosed and transition without worrying about my family having a meltdown or something. *i really didn’t think i’d write this much i get emotional easily about this hahahaha*
Finally I found a good way to explain it to other people. I haven been struggling to make people understand - colleagues, my boss, health care people like doctors and psychologists. So now I will share this video with my colleagues and boss at least, and to all on my Facebook. Thank you ^^
The thing that really hurts is when someone I care about and they're supposed to care about me tells me I don't exist, that I'm not living at this address. I am more of a woman than my wife ever thought about being. She's always refused me as a husband and not that I've resigned myself for the last 30 years to who I am in this photo, she's all pissy about it. All my support has either moved away or died. It was hard to come out to the people I did, but I did it. I was proud of my achievement to come out only to have it smashed again. It's really depressing. Sometimes I don't know how I go on even.........
I really like how you included the more serious aspects of dysphoria. I struggle to explain it to people. I know they care but to get them to understand is difficult because I managed to get the worst possible version of it. It isnt just on and off discomfort anymore I am always uncomfortable dysphoria is more of pain at this point. Pain and almost like the feeling of a headache and frustration all at once.
Gosh, Darn it, If I knew "then what I know now" I wouldn't have binged and purged so many times and I would now have the resources to medically transition completely. I have been punishing myself, cursing myself, sabotaging myself for so long because I don't feel I fit in. Finally, in my old age, I am caring less what other people say and think (or try to) and transitioning. This is HARD work. My therapist is helping me learn to love myself. And this is a lot of what I hear in DR. Z's messages.
I find it so wonderful when a professional decides out of the kindness of their hearts as well as an eager and earnist search for knowledge truth or answers simply puts all of the things they learn out into the world for free. It is such an expression and reminder on how special the human drive for meaning is and how many good people there are in a world that can sometimes feel cruel. Such a wonderful and deeply meaningful thing you have created here with this channel and you should be proud of it.
This is so true! Even after six years of being on my way... I became cold of emotions. I feel hopeless a 100% around. This entire universe and world feels to me so very false and failed
Also I dont know how to cope with dysphoria. But I write depressive music when I am down. Here is my "vomit bucket" band called Being "alive" is beautiful: m.ruclips.net/user/results?sp=mAEA&search_query=being+alive+is+beautiful
Dysphoria has destroyed my life for the last 50 years by suppressing it and not dealing the fact that I have always been a female inside but have had to present as male all of my life, I thought that when I came out recently it would end the pain and suffering that I have endured for 50 years but all I did was exchange that pain and suffering for a new ones, loneliness and isolation all of the people that I invited to join me on my journey and who said that they would support me have all but disappeared. What hurts the most is that two of these people were my sisters and other one was my wife. In the last three weeks none of these people have once contacted me to check up and find out if I was okay. My wife won't even try to deal with it and sisters tell don't share information as they're not ready as they are still grieving. Grieving for who what about the person that is still alive I am not dead.
Very well explained. I have gender dysphoria when I get my period, when I speak on the phone or whenever I pay attention to my own voice(very feminine) and hate it!! I seriously HATE my chest. It’s unnecessary on my body. It doesn’t connect to my brain....Dr. Z I think it’s time for me to see you.
when I first came out to my mom, she seemed really supportive and even seemed like she wanted to help as much as she could. but now whenever I talk about it she says things like "why cant you just be normal?" and "is that even a real thing?" and it hurts more than she could ever know, its like tiny little knives go a little deeper into me every time she calls me a girl... It doesn't even seem like she really cares about how I feel.
For me, using the hair analogy, it's like putting on a wig. One that's obviously not my style (like conforming to my assignment at birth), but it's better than a bad haircut (or being seen as weird and confusing), and I know I can take it off at the end of the day. It's uncomfortable, it's not me, but often times it's a choice between the lesser of two uncomfortable options, and I chose the path of least resistance in most cases.
It feels like a prison. I can't be like anyone else my age, I can't explore my sexuality, I always feel like I'm only gendered correctly because they know about my gender feelings and not because they truly believe I look like a male. I am disgusted with female anatomy and sometimes avoid going to the bathroom to confront my body, when I wear feminine clothes I do not see that as me, and I force myself to speak with a deeper pitch until my throat hurts and I still do not want to stop or I will feel terrible about myself and I feel gross, abnormal and disgusting for being and feeling this way, because I know my female features wouldnt be considered ugly by most people but for me it isnt good at all, I desperately want to change the way I look and sound and I put down my manneurisms and I hate having mostly female friends, I feel like an effeminate joke.
My gender dysphoria really confuses me. At the beginning of puberty (and before it aswell) I was very excited. I had never seen myself as anything other than a girl and I was happy with the changes that were happening or were going to happen. At the beginning of quarantine it feels like something just happened, like I got a switch flipped in my head that made me completely resent everything about myself because I look like a girl, I sound like a girl, and at the time was also called a girl. Maybe it's because I finally got time to think about myself? I've never heard any other trans person experience this and it would be great to know if I'm not the only one who's had this happen to them.
Thanks for sharing and sorry to hear. Spending a lot of time in isolation can do many things. Best to safely explore what came up without rushing into any medical interventions.
If this comment seems too personal, feel free to delete it. I am 32 and going on 33 next month. Less than a month ago, I discovered I was trans, MTF. Yet, there's always been dysphoria looking back. I am intersexed and have always had dysphoria and despair toward my genitals. Admittedly, I thought it was purely due to developmental problems that started as a teen, and I "lost the lottery" on a vital part. There was always something in the back of my head, though, screaming that I'd rather be a girl and wished I was. But now that I know who I am, I see things differently in some surprisingly positive ways. I see everything wrong with me when I look in the mirror, but now I have the desire to change it and actually give a damn about what I look like, unlike when I thought I was a man/boy. Once I can afford to, I'm excited to go on the adventure. I have dysphoria for sure with my genitals, specifically my gonads. I have made peace with my other part only for I know it will one day be reformed, and joking refer to it as my "cl*t." lol
Thank you Dr Z. Recently my teenager told me that they thought they were trans. A few months on & my beautiful daughter has socially transitioned. Her school has been really supportive & her friends are not fazed at all. I find myself on a rollercoaster of emotions because I can feel that this is right & true for her but I’m struggling with what I do with my memories. How do I reconcile remembering a little boy with this new reality? Although I was surprised, shocked when she came out to me, when I look back, a lot of things make sense now. I can see that now, she can be herself whereas in the past she always seemed to not be able to fully relax with her peer groups. I am watching, listening to as much as I can now to understand. It’s funny, I have been following a lot of trans people on Twitter for years as their struggle - bodily autonomy, was a fight I understood living in a country that only legalised abortion 4 years ago. I valued their comradeship & now I wonder, was I also subconsciously preparing myself. I’m so glad I was following & trying to understand as my teen felt safe coming out to me. I only found you Dr Z recently & am devouring your professional insight alongside the other trans or trans ally output online. My best wishes & for hanks to all of you beautiful people for sharing your thoughts / experiences. You are helping me support my child on her life journey.
The way I have explained how I have experienced it is "A kid on the street, window shopping for a body they wish they had the money to buy, while an anxious parent is constantly tugging them along, screaming that they are unable to afford it."
I've been out for about half a year, but I've never been able to describe how I'm feeling to anyone in my life. This haircut analogy is incredibly accurate to how I've felt in social situations for years. The only thing I'd add is that: even when people aren't directly taking about the my gender (or telling you about your haircut in the analogy) for any amount of time, you still feel them perceiving it always. This is made worse because everyone constantly tells you how they perceive your gender, you know what they're thinking even when they say nothing at all (like if someone tells you that your haircut is bad all the time, even when they're silent, or talking about something else, you know when they look at you, they see your haircut, and you know every detail of how they think about it)
Dr, Z! Thank you for your videos! They are very helpful to me at this point in my life! I "feel" like a woman and present as female as much as I can. I do not anticipate genital reassignment, but rather will ignore my male genitals and seek help from my doctor to increase my own breast size! I look for the day I no linger need wigs and breast forms to be a woman!
Hi Michelle and thank you for sharing. Physical transition does come to an end I hope yours will end soon so that you can be fully free to live your life!
I have to thank you again, your videos bring some light into my life, so much good information, by someone that really cares. ❤❤❤❤❤ One thing I have figured out. Life is short, too short, and if your not happy (which I’am not), one has to do something about it.
This video resonates so close to home for me. For me My Dysphoria comes and goes and I never know what will trigger it. Usually looking in the mirror especially after a shower. Imagine getting out of the shower you're feeling all clean and fresh just combed out your hair and then BAM!! Suddenly the person looking back at you in the mirror opens a floodgate of emotions. A deep burning hatred erupts from within. Then you just can't stop staring and the more you look the more depressed you get. Until eventually you just walk away from the mirror and go into your room and do one of two things. You either start being yourself in your private space using all of the things you've hidden that make you feel better about yourself, or you just lay on the bed and throw the covers over yourself so you don't have to see yourself, then stare at the ceiling and question everything about yourself and why you feel the way you do. The back of your throat starts tightening and the tears are not far away as you start to externalize the struggle within. If someone told you that you would have to risk everything and everyone you love for a CHANCE at true happiness would you take it? Most people would say absolutely not without guaranteed True Happiness. However for a group of people who have never actually been truly happy in their life the thought of a chance of finally getting released from this prison of self loathing is worth the risk of losing everything. I have not come out as Trans to anyone and have yet to talk to a doctor about starting HRT to help me overcome my dysphoria. I am terrified of everything. In my 34 years of life there have only been two things that make me truly smile. My Niece's and after changing my appearance to look the way I think I should look. There is a peace and joy that just happens when you finally see YOUR reflection and not the reflection that you HATE. The one that no one knows about. The one that if anyone else saw, it would look so off putting to them. They can't see what you can see. They can't see the twinkle in your eye as you finally see YOURSELF. The involuntary smile that sneaks up from out of nowhere and the reason we take pictures of ourselves in that moment so that we can look back on it and remember that feeling. I am 34 years old and finally deciding to do something about it. To take that chance. The older I get the worse the feelings get. Im almost halfway through my life and I want to spend the second half of my life smiling. Is that so wrong? Hope this helps some folks understand who may not be Trans some of what and why we do what we do. As well as help someone who is struggling like I am to know you're not alone and there is HOPE
Before coming out and starting my transition I felt like I was incarcerated in the wrong body. I would feel odd and strange all the time because I felt so unhappy with having to wear the mask of masculinity and seeing a male body that was clearly not mine. Since coming out and starting transition I feel a lot more comfortable in my body and self but the dysphoria still creeps in from time to time.
I love that bad haircut analogy, I'll start using that one :) For me, my chest often feels like there's two alien parasites that have latched onto it and are scratching me and pulling on my skin, and sucking the life out of me. I just want to rip them off but I can't. I have to wait.
It's like using a machine that's missing a part. I figured out how to make the machine work, but I have to constantly use the machine the wrong way to work around the missing part. When anybody asks how it's working, I tell them it works perfectly. Then one day I found the part. But it's over there, behind a glass wall, outside the machine room. The only way to get it is to break the wall to get it, but then everybody will know the machine is broken. What will they think if they learn that the machine doesn't actually work the way they're used to seeing?
it all started when i was about 6 i started putting on girl's clothing i allways liked the feeling .i am 72 now and i still dress up , i only have a couple friends all my famely are all dead before 72 i do have a sister in law that i am close to that great thanks. dr z phd i do like the way i feel richard
How you explained it is so true. Like I remembered every super bad experience of dysphoria and it was just so horrible. At the end of that story, where it talks about how you can't even recognize yourself or your body because it doesn't feel like yours is how I've felt literally my entire life. Its such an insane feeling its awful i hate it so much. I almost feel lucky in a way because as I've grown, I look more masculine and it decreases my dysphoria a lot. I also naturally inherited a higher amount of testosterone (i didnt even know this until kinda recently) and remembering that makes me feel better too. Its so hard to explain because i dont feel like a male, I am a male. like when videos talk about how trans ppl feel like the opposite sex, male doesn't even feel like the opposite sex for me because I am male. I hope any of that made sense.
To the young:Save your money, when you can, that way, as time passes on, you will be able to get the best surgeries money can buy. To the old(der), sell your possessions(what you can), have stability of what you have and transition, as much as you can.
Thank you so much for this great video. It helps a lot to see your analysis and your comments about all these feelings that we have... I see that normally many people in our trans world have that feeling of "I hate my body", or "I am in the wrong body"... For me it is a little different because I don't have so much those feelings, but instead I do have a very strong feeling that I love me when I am in my female persona. I really feel happy when I am dressed up and see myself as a woman in the mirror; or when I show myself as a woman to others, and they treat me like a woman... It feels fine and great, to present myself as a woman, and I am happy when I do it... So I don't have a lot of the "negative feelings" of looking as a man when I am in my male persona, but I do have a lot of the "positive feelings" of feeling and looking like a woman... Do you think this combination of feelings maybe show a gender dysphoria that is not so strong? Or it could be a different behaviour and not gender dysphoria? Thanks a lot for all your wonderful videos and sharing of your knowledge and experience.
when you brought out the haircut metaphor I started crying cause no ones described that feeling so accurately to me before. I remember my mom dyed her hair orange accidentally one time and she was crying and wouldnt go anywhere and had to have someone else go get dye to fix it, i think maybe if i showed her this she could understand a bit more
The gender dysphoria that I've experienced definitely gets the body-swap feeling, except imagine that it's all gritty, like that movie "Buffalo 66", grey, ultra-nihilistic and the little joy of having someone romantically interested in you distracts you from it all. But, when the romance is gone, imagine being reminded of that feeling of the body-swap and how no amount of Nair or shaving will save you. I don't feel the suicidal aspect that the character from the movie did, but when the dysphoria is in full gear, I do feel like I want to trade back my ford pick-up body for my preferred.
This is all correct. It's like looking in the mirror and you are not seeing in the mirror on what your mind see's. I still have those times on just feeling so good and happy with myself and everything and then out of the blue, it hits me and I start feeling down about myself on how I look and namely my bottom area and just wanting to rip it off as it causes so much pain.
It’s always been about the ideal female body and the fact that I lack the most basic aspects of being female because I wasn’t born one. I remember how alone I felt growing up and how much I missed out on because of the simple fact that everyone saw me as a boy and that label just didn’t feel right to me. It made me hate myself so much! I hated that I was expected to be strong and masculine because that wasn’t me at all and that it would be looked down upon for me to enjoy feminine things such as wearing makeup, painting my nails, wearing dresses and heels, etc. But what really made me feel the absolute worst was the fact that every time I saw myself in the mirror I was reminded that I couldn’t be upset with people for thinking I was a boy because my body and my voice was telling them just that and I was also mad that I was stuck like this and there was no way out of it. I didn’t know what being trans was then though. All I knew was in my mind I was a girl and that’s how I saw myself while everyone else saw me as a boy and treated me as such. It’s why I’ve always be so insecure. Why I was never able to have confidence in myself or even love my individual self because I wasn’t who I wanted to be. I wasn’t me. Now that I’ve finally accepted who I am and have the confidence to cross dress without a care in the world of what others might think I’m a lot happier but those feelings aren’t gone! In fact I feel so miserable having to take it all off at the end of the day because I have to be my old self and that means I’m a boy still 😭😤. But I’m looking into going to see a gender therapist soon! These feelings I’ve had all these years need to finally be addressed!
Sometimes I tell my parents but they say it is just a phase and I feel like it's hopeless and I have no where no go. Especially they are not very educated to LGBT things because they hate it. Sometimes I wake up randomly at night and I experience the dysphoric feeling. The bathroom is the worse place because their is a mirror and you're naked.
Sometimes im almost caught off gaurd and feel confused as to why i have this thing between my legs , it feels forgien , like a tumor, a growth that should have never been, something that doesnt belong and never did .
When I look at old photos of my girl self I genuinely cant recognized her. She looks like someone I vaguely know like an old freind or somthing but I cant never see her as mem dont know if that's dysforia working its garbage
holy cow, those quotes hit hard, i freaked out about the feeling like an alien and wanting to rip your own face off... thought you took that right out of my mind because i do not remember voicing that publicly... or to anyone for that matter.
@@DRZPHD You are giving me hope, thank you. there are people who understand and trying to help. You are the first person made me open up, even it is just by writing.
Before I knew it as dysphoria it was a silent demon hidden in the shadows of my subconscious mind. Now I know it as dysphoria and I seek to be conscious of it to handle it as I so slowly transition. I hate my own reflection, I hate my name, I hate my male body, sometimes it is so painful I feel physically nauseous when I look in the mirror and am reminded that I am not who I see in my own head. It is the cause of so much pain and has been for decades.
That must have been hard. Whew! How long I dreamed I’d just wake up one, look down into the mirror and see my pretty slim fingers and then look up and say “OMG, it really WAS a bad dream and I really am a beautiful girl!”
Dysphoria, for me; is like being trapped in a box, a labeled one, that no matter how hard i try, i will continue to be shoved in that box. I can bind, pack, dress a certain way but people will still shove me in that box. The box is small and suffocating, and nobody can see how much pain I'm in. Luckily, I should be starting HRT soon and I might be able to escape that box a tiny bit.
I felt like a changeling. Like I had taken the place of someone who actually fit into the family, and instead was an imposter who was only pretending to be what everyone else expected. I would wear the right clothes, say the right thing, and "be" the right person, but it never felt like it was really me. When I began to take steps towards becoming more authentically myself, it felt like I was engaging with reality for the first time, instead of just playing a part.
I did not realize i had been depressing my identity and feelings. I never liked my body,but repression since early childhood made it very hard for me to see that in me.I felt constant tension in my body,anxious and addicted to video games. Video games were a huge gateway to finding out about how i felt,as i nearly always sought to be female.
I've been struggling with dysphoria for so long that it just became part of my life. I avoid looking in the mirror everywhere I can... I try to be the person behind the camera so I never have to see pictures of myself. It sort of makes me a ghost in my own life... but in the end, I'd rather not be in the picture than have... basically an imposter standing in. That's not my face... it doesn't feel like my body. It wasn't until one of my friends gave me a makeover... looking him the mirror and actually seeing something far closer to what my brain tells me I should be seeing looking back out of the mirror. Knowing that kind of joy is what has been absent my entire life every time I look int he mirror. It was amazing... but at the same time heartbreaking that I've spent my entire life trying to mask the way I feel... leaning hard into "being a man" thinking that would resolve what felt like a lack of confidence.
That was an excellent video and summary of gender dysphoria. Thankyou. I suppose I try and cope with my dysphoric by pretending it's not there. Some things are easily repressed if they're denied. But it doesn't always work. My dysphoria fluctuates in intensity to the point where I can't just go on without acknowledging it. It is a lonely experience, but perhaps I'm just yet to meet someone like me.
When i was 2 I began to know something was wrong. By the time i was 3 i knew it and i was so hurt, angry and confused. I couldnt understand why it was this way. I felt hurt because no one loved me enough to help me. I wanted to to destroy the world for betraying me. Even now, when I look back at my childhood, i see the path of pain I lived. But next to that I see a path I could have lived. I mourn constantly that loss of that childhood I should have lived. Not a life of privilege, without trauma and pain. Just the life of a normal girl growing up. It hurts. I didnt want the moon. I just needed to be who I was. What I knew beyond suspect what I was. I'm a baby trans. Just really realizing the life of pain it has caused me. Finally trying to figure out what I must do. When I put on a pair of panties my world changes. I feel better. I feel better about me. I cant stand to sleep or walk around without a shirt. But when I put on a pair of panties, my mind changes. I feel good about my body. I feel better about everything. When I wake up after sleeping in a pair of panties the world seems a better place. I still dont know what Im going to do. But there is no doubt about gender dysphoria. There is no doubt that for whatever biological reason, chromosomes, genetics, endocrinology, conditions during gestation, etc... my mind knows I am female while my body is at least mostly male. Its not childhood fancy in anyway. Its knowing over a lifetime that you were born the wrong sex. Just like all the trauma I had over my life, I wish it wasnt so. But you cant just make it go away. It is part of you. I just need to figure out what to do about it.
This video made me realize that I have/had social dysphoria a good amount of it. That’s why I saw myself as a noncorporal entity. Thank you. I’m nonbinary now that I figured it out.
I’m currently going to therapy with a psychologist at a gender clinic in Finland. I’ve been out for 5 years and I find it really hard to explain how I know I’m a male and how my dysphoria works. I’m just trynna live my life the best that I can just like everyone else
Had to describe myself as a man today and I could barely get it out of my mouth. Just felt so wrong. I have been questioning my gender for the last year, but only considered that I could be trans about a week ago. I haven't stopped thinking about it since. I am painfully aware that I could be faking though, as last year during the quarantine I convinced myself I had a very rare mental illness, so it wouldn't be the first time. I am seeing my therapist sometime soon, but I doubt he has any training in gender. Either way it will be good to talk about it. The only person I've told that I think I might be trans is my best friend who was very supportive. I just feel so big and man like and I'm afraid if I were to transition that I could never look the way I want to, and I would be ugly as a woman. I had just started to feel better too, before I realized I might be trans. Overall my mental health has been very bad throughout my life and even most of this year. But 2 months ago I got a new job and made a bunch of new friends at work. I was feeling pretty good but good things never last I suppose. Now all of a sudden I hate my body again because it's not a woman's, even though I had finally grown to like it these last few years. Anyways if you read this thank you, if not that's fine I kinda just wanted to talk.
I was a gay guy. Every time I let myself loose, I became feminine. I didn't like being a feminine gay man. Eventually that conflict between my masculinity and femininity as a man became desperate. When I thought of myself as a woman, I didn't mind how feminine or masculine I was. As I transitioned, I became more comfortable with my expressions... I could focus on other things that are much more worth my while.
![Gunna - HIM ALL ALONG [Official Visualizer]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/HiCxoDeo0hc/mqdefault.jpg)
You know the ending of Revenge of the Sith? When Anakin gets sealed into the Darth Vader suit? I feel like that sometimes.
...I legit almost cried
Omg yes
this analogy is far deeper than it sounds and non-Starwars Legends fans probably won't get it.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
:'(
I'm gonna use hoodies and their colors as examples(but in this examples your forever stuck with the one hoodie):
For me, gender dysphoria is more of I see my clothes as yellow. I like the the yellow and really want it to be permanent but every now and then someone goes "Hey, you look good in green" or "That's a nice green hoodie. You look good in green." But I hate green. Green might someone else's favorite color and they always look good in it, so why can't i look good and feel confident in green? Everyone says I'm green and i believe it. But at a young age, I believed I was wearing green but as I've seen more examples of green things and yellow things I learn the difference. I hate green but love the yellow. I keep wishing I was given a yellow hoodie but I'm stuck with green. The more I look at my hoodie the more yellow it tends to be but I ignore it. I don't do anything about it. I talk to others irl and online about the color difference. People say they thought they had blue, but it felt like purple and changed it to be purple. I realized that I want to be yellow. I ask my friends to acknowledge my hoodie as yellow even though at the times it's green or not address the green hoodie at all. I ask the purple hooded person, who started their change from improper blue a long time ago, after years of debating if I really want yellow. They said the just had to take the time to slowly turn it purple. Little by little. Naturally you do that but with green to yellow. But people notice. "Why is your hoodie yellow? You looked better in green. Do you need help? It's probably a phase and she'll go back to green." You try your hardest to ignore the comments but you can't. You learn to not respond but it still hurts. Eventually, you get your hoodie to a close yellow, but the people who made the hoodie (parents) don't like it. If you get to close to yellow, they remind you "who you truly are" and squirt blue die to cancel out the yellow into green. You feel like shit and trick yourself into thinking you were just wanted attention or just fetishize green but you talk to the purple person again. And they help you re-dye the hoodie. You are truly yellow and love it but, Everytime you look too close at the hoodie for too long you see the patchy green trying to seep through. Or maybe someone says something and in result, accidentally spill green due on it. You correct them and sometimes they apologise for it but other times they claim they're right and they know you're hoodie is green. Maybe you accidentally do something and get reminded of how your hoodie was not made with yellow coloring. Sometimes you break down and just accept you'll never be yellow and forever stuck as a misfitting green/stuck in the wrong color palette. Sometimes you feel like the most yellowest yellow to ever yellow.
But nonetheless, you've at least found people who'll help re-dye your yellow hoodie no matter how many times. You are yellow and that is something that cannot change.
Thank you for sharing. Such an excellent and vivid example.
Ask any gender therapist about the difference between synthetic hormones and bioidentical hormones and they disappear...
I relate to this on a personal level. See I often thing that I’m just green and I’m asking for attention by identifying as yellow, I like green, if the green was on different person it would be pretty but I’m not comfortable in green I’m more comfortable in yellow, but I’m scared that later I will change my liking and decide that I want to be green or that my yellow hoodie will be as ugly as my dads yellow hoodie and I don’t want my dad yellow hoodie I want a different yellow hoodie.
Very well put! I love how you use such a simple object such as a yellow hoodie to describe the gender identity you feel most comfortable with and the green hoodie to describe how you were born and how others see you. It’s the perfect example of how it feels! I felt like this puts my life into a summary. These feelings are terrible and you just want to be seen and taken seriously as the identity you feel fits you and it’s like no matter how hard you try everything and everyone wants to remind you that you weren’t born that way and that you’re not supposed to be that way and they think they’re helping you when in reality they’re just adding another scar to your already scarred heart! It’s even worse when you think it’s true but you know you’re just letting what they say get to you because you know what’s true for you and nobody gets to take that away from you!
Ok, yes now I need to put this in my own words to tell my dad
dysphoria for me, as a non-binary person is this feeling of needing to hide myself away, because what I look like is shameful to me. and wanting a body that I might not be able to have but wanting it so bad it hurts. it's as if the kind of body I want isn't a real thing and I'm trapped in a place with nowhere to go
I am so sorry to hear.
Sameeee. I hate being seen.
Wouldnt this be body dysmorphia?
Wouldnt this be body dysmorphia?
Me too.I suffer from breast dysphoria...I have always wanted to have male chest, but unfortunately I am trapped in a biologically female body with quite large breasts,that I can't get rid of, without changing my name into a male one and without taking testosterone treatment
For me, it feels like there's a hole in my chest that only I can see. Everytime I get misgendered, deadnamed, see my chest and when it's at its worst, my voice, I feel the hole open more and more.
Thanks for sharing. That sounds incredibly painful. I am sorry.
I feel the same. It feels like a big uncomfortable gaping black mass at the center if my chest and its suffocating like its filling my lungs and all I want to do is cry or scream. I feel a little better knowing that someone else feels similar
For me, dysphoria was like this voice in the back of my head constantly reminding me that I would be happier female. Growing up in a very religious conservative military household I tried everything I could think of to convince myself I wasn’t transgender. But like hunger, I could put it off for a time, but it grew in intensity and frequency. What initially was an occasional intrusive thought, over the decades became this constant screaming in the back of my mind that interfered with my every day and made me regularly suicidal. Just acknowledging it for what it was was just such a massive relief.
Thank you for sharing and I agree, often just bringing yourself to acknowledgment helps a lot.
This is exactly how I feel, I'm 25 and only just exploring all this stuff but it's good to read these comments, I'm super confused about everything but I'm learning s lot 😊
It gets more and more frequent indeed!
This is quiet exactly how I feel.
Finally getting some clarity, since im only 24 and raised in a orthodox Christian household, I was very good at supressing my feelings..I always couldn'tunderstandthe reson it resurfaced though, now I do.. thanks a lot for sharing. It feels really gud to not b alone 😊.
I can relate so much to that coming out for has just relieved so much self hate but I’m so scared to move forward because of my surroundings and where I am but I know I can’t back down it’s all very hard but me struggling with dysphoria was so hard for everyone the truth has been hard but I’m just sick of hating myself
Dysphoria, for me; is the dichotomy between the ideal woman who I wanna be, and the person who I see in the mirror. Most of the time, I feel a palpable disconnect, like the person who I see in the mirror isn't really me. I pass a little bit better now than I used to; and my dysphoria occurs less often, and to a lesser degree than it used to. Every once in a while, though, it roars back with a vengeance. It hurts.
Ohhh Olivia. Glad to hear the dysphoria occurs less, but ohhh boy the way you describe it when it hits. I am so sorry.
For me personally, it's like being homesick or having phantom limbs. Before I realized I was trans, looking in the mirror felt like I was looking at several puzzle pieces that had been jammed together, despite not quite fitting right. Afterwards, it was like I was a disembodied spirit walking around in someone else's body. Transitioning has alleviated a lot of that dysphoria, so a majority of the in-congruence is like the homesickness now.
I think what distinguishes it from body dysmorphia or a generally bad body image is that your goal isn't necessarily to be beautiful; rather, you just want to look like yourself. It's why I tended to favor even the stranger changes that came with HRT, like body hair and veiny arms.
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for your pain!
I have been lucky to have cured my dysphoria by transitioning. It is 99% gone. I used to think my dysphoria would come and go over time, that it was not there sometimes. It wasn't until I experienced a lack of dysphoria now that I realized that every day of my life it nagged or raged at times at me. Sometimes I just wanted to put my head through a wall to stop the pain. It's like someone with years of hip pain who only realizes how much pain they were in after getting hip replacement. To you cis people, this is REAL. It isn't because we are weird or sinful or mentally ill. We are just as beautiful as you are. Now dig down deep inside and find a little empathy for a group of people who are in such pain that over 40% of us attempt to end it all. To trans folks, never give up. Never lose your core of strength, stay positive. You are beautiful.
Thank you for such great feedback!
Ask any gender therapist about the difference between synthetic hormones and bioidentical hormones and they disappear...
Well, I was born a female, and I’ve always had long hair. My dad refuses to let me cut it, and it really gets to me sometimes. My dad is transphobic just from the way he talks about trans people, “they have a mental illness that no one is caring about” or my personal least favorite, “you were born a girl, that means you should stay that way!” And he now gets irritated when I ask to cut my hair even a little bit. His reasoning is that he “likes long hair on girls” but what if I’m not a freaking girl? I look in the mirror and just want to do everything to change myself, because I hate having to look like a girl all the time. Every time I’m introduced to someone new, my dad and grandma are just like, “ oh this is [deadname]!” And it hurts so freaking badly! Oh my freaking god! And I’ve come out and my dads just like “you’re always gonna be my baby girl! And I’m just feeling inside that I want to hit him ;-; they still call me my dead name, and only my best friend out of all of the people I’ve told (which isn’t a lot but whatever) calls me Rae. (Ik it still sounds feminine but I like it wayyyy more then my deadname) but yeah! That’s all! Whoever read this all I hope you have a hood day/evening/night! Thanks for reading!
I am so sorry your father isn't being supportive. Glad to hear you have friends who are there for you. Sometimes, it takes a long time for parents to come around.
Ask any gender therapist about the difference between synthetic hormones and bioidentical hormones and they disappear...
I hope things are better or that you’ve at least gotten to cut your hair. If you haven’t though, at least you can force it by cutting it yourself (and then getting it styled after hopefully). Your dad cant do much about that lol
I’m sorry your dad is being a douche. Screw him though Rae, I can’t believe he’s so obsessed with your hair! Hopefully you can move out soon and improve on what you want to
People who never met you, except online, can’t really grasp the entirely of your situation (myself included). So when someone says they love you online, who knows...but you only have one dad, and maybe there are deeper things than the transgender stuff going on when it comes to you and him that need working out. He said he loves you. Don’t be too quick to throw that away.
Also, just my two cents, but many people right now want more meaning, something special, something that calls to them in their life, that helps define them as a person, that feels real and authentic...and maybe that’s what you’re seeking, too. Maybe you’re trying to find your “true self.”. But that sense of relief and happiness and *belonging* is never going to come through changing how you dress or look, or what sex organs you have. (BTW I hated puberty; I hated when my hips widened, I hated hated hated developing breasts. Puberty sucks. But it kind of sucks for most people, I think...that’s life lol. Plus your emotions make everything ten times more dramatic.)
Don’t mistake wanting to belong, to find a place where you’re accepted, with the idea that you must change your sex. In other words, watch out for the crocodiles...if somebody “accepts” and “supports” you coming out as transgender...test how they behave if you tell them you realized you’re actually not transgender at all. Will they kick you out of their club?
Personally, I think people are seeking happiness. They want to belong, they want to find true meaning and joy and a higher purpose on this strange, sometimes very screwed up planet called Earth. And a person might feel better, even for a few years, by changing how they look, and asking others to use a new name- basically changing their entire identity. But then, someday, you’ll realize that your name and your outfits and how you wear your hair...that is not who you are. So maybe it’s not about the hair? And in the meantime, don’t be too quick to alienate people, like your dad, because you think they just don’t “get you”, while all those amazing online people who you’ve never actually met really deeply understand.
You’re much more than this little body, you’re much bigger and grander than this lump of flesh. Think about Yoda...he’s not so wrong.
Namaste.
Everyday I would get up, go out and with every woman I'd see I'd think, "Lucky girl." Then my heart would sink like a stone and I'd fight to hold back my tears.
Ohhh I am so sorry, that seems to be a very painful dysphoria. I am sorry you have to go through this. Thank you for such candid response.
@@DRZPHD Thank you Dr Z. It was an extremely painful period of my life spent chronically depressed and suicidal for two decades. Just talking about it brings tears to my eyes. I did not kill myself because I could not do that to my wife and children. In 2011 I started going out again as Shirley once a month. On March 15th of 2012, my 11th trip out, I was so very happy and so comfortable in the feminine role and felt so accepted by the people at the salon that suddenly I just couldn't bear the idea of going back to living life as a man. I didn't go back and I hit the family wall like a crash car. I call it the 6 second transition. Things worked out with the family in a few months and the last 7 years of my life have been the happiest ever. I love happy endings.
@@shirleycorning1213 I am so so happy for you and I agree, nothing compares to living your life as yourself, even if it comes with big looses and sacrifices.
I feel the same.
Shirley, thanks for replying! Your words are enlightening. Sometimes it is a thorn in the flesh; on better days it is an itch, am trying to let it stay that way. I wish you all the happiness in life with that golden heart of yours!
when i look at myself in the mirror, only my eyes feel like mine. sometimes, i can ignore the fact that i look female, but then people call me a girl and i can't. somedays, i don't recognize myself at all and i feel like i look too feminine for anyone to see me as a guy, but other times i don't understand why anyone could see me as a girl, when to myself, it's so obvious that i'm not
I feel the same but I'm a trans girl
very validating to hear my exact feelings in someone else's words
I'm still kinda questioning myself, but i often feel like im just another soul invading someone else's body. I mostly just try to ignore everything telling myself "im fine, this is nothing." I feel like im wearing a mask so thick i might have even tricked myself. I feel like my mind might have even made a separate personality just to ignore the feeling i have inside because when im in public or just around friends and family, i dont really feel anything, its like its not even there, but when im alone to myself and my thoughts, i just hurt. I get really frustrated and angry and feeling like breaking everything around me. Everyday it feels like im slowly losing myself, but whenever someone talks to me or even is in the general area, my mind is just like "what were we worrying about again?" It's like my feeling just get shoved and buried somewhere deep within me while they are there so it's easier to hide. I still dont quite understand what these feelings mean, but my gender does come into it a lot.
Hi and thanks for sharing. I am so sorry to hear about inner turmoils you are struggling with. I always do encourage people to try to speak to someone, even if its not a gender therapist.
^THIS! I feel like when i was a kid i was "Corrected" for acting girly, So i wore a mask with the intention of removing it when i was older and therefore free. But i worry that i have worn the mask for so long the person beneath it has died.
@@amarok9749 I feel just like that sometimes as well
Ask any gender therapist about the difference between synthetic hormones and bioidentical hormones and they disappear...
So...I was raised believing in re-incarnation. Meaning, we are souls, and we incarnate many times on Earth. But more than that, the emphasis is on the first part..the “we are souls” part. This is a machine we inhabit- a temporary temple for the soul, if you will. A complicated puppet made up of bone and flesh, a brain, etc. And the soul is sexless.
I’ve experienced, when very sick and having trouble breathing, the sense that I was trapped inside a shell- a prison incasing me. It was a horrible, horrible feeling. And the breathe- in and out all day long. We are very much tethered to this physical thing, but it is not what we are. It feels to me like you’re seeking something deeper, something more meaningful than what is currently offered in conversations and daily life.
I hope you can find it. For me, meditation is extremely important.
Namaste.
Sometimes I can’t stop looking at myself in the mirror, not because I find myself disgusting but because I can’t see how that’s supposed to be ME. The body I’m in is lovely and healthy and strong, but it is completely and utterly wrong for me. It feels like a waste. I feel like I’m in a disguise, and sometimes I can play it up and be what other people expect me to be, but every time I do I feel like I’m withering away inside and killing the person I am. The disconnect makes me feel so alone, so isolated. Sometimes just thinking about the difference between the person I am and the person I’m expected to be and seen as being sends me into a depressive or suicidal train of thought. I relate most heavily to inanimate objects, fictional beings, or mythical creatures because I feel so foreign in the world and the body I occupy.
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry to hear of your pain.
@@youarehere7284 I appreciate the kind words and encouragement, but the pain I’m referencing here is not the pain of not knowing myself. I do a wonderful job of loving myself as I am. The pain is one of feeling as though no one else knows me. I’ve made my peace with those feelings as best I can and am always working toward being more and more comfortable within my place in the world, but I’m afraid that you’re offering a good solution to the wrong problem. Although I would far prefer simple compassion and a listening ear to advice in this case, you’ve given me a good reminder for other parts of my life, and I wish you peace as well.
For me, dysphoria is hoping to see a beautiful young girl with long, luxurious hair, a cute face, flawless skin, and a fit body when you look in the mirror and ending up seeing a boy with a hairy, overweight body, and a five-o-clock shadow that wont quit. While im thankful that I discovered my gender sooner rather than later, I wish that I could just flip a switch and make myself look like the girl that I know I am.
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry to hear that.
Similar with me in a way, I feel a homesick type of pain from being detached from my true self
For me, dysphoria feels like I'm trapped in a nightmare. My chest tightens and I get nauseous and I wanna curl up in a ball and cry and tell myself that I'll wake up soon even though I know I won't. It looms over me like a cloud and whenever my mom or anyone else misgenders or deadnames me, I instantly panic. It's like I'm a spy sneaking around and suddenly someone notices me and calls me out and shoots me down. It's like I'm trying to explain a complicated math problem to a cockroach. I try to tell my family how I feel but they refuse to understand and then they ask me why I'm so stressed out and they say I'm "not naturally depressed" and that I need to stop suicide batting them because they're "doing what's best for me". I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in this prison of a body and I might not be able to get out because my medical condition might prevent me from starting HRT. I'm trapped.
Hi. I am so sorry to her your painful account of dysphoria. Not being able to start HRT due to medical condition must be so devastating!! My heart really goes out to you.
Ask any gender therapist about the difference between synthetic hormones and bioidentical hormones and they disappear...
Whatever medical condition you might have that you suffer, try to look into water fasting, look up Loren Lockman here on youtube, try to get your body into as much healthy state as possible if you can.
A single misgendering is like being stabbed with a small pen knife. The more misgendering I encounter, over a certain period of time, the pain becomes exponentially stronger. This video really touched on a lot of personal items. It is wonderful that you are putting this content out there for the masses. I hope it makes a difference.
Hey Wendy I'm just wondering bc I'm a female trapped in a mans body how can I even start HRT I've hidden this for so long and really need someone I can talk to about this bc I'm ready to be who I was meant to be
@@davidlitteral7828 Hi. First off, I would recommend seeing a therapist, especially a therapist who has worked with transgender individuals before and supports the LGBTQ+ community. Second, I would be happy to talk with you about what you're experiencing. I'm not sure of the best way to exchange contact information. Hope to hear from you soon.
Ask any gender therapist about the difference between synthetic hormones and bioidentical hormones and they disappear...
@@imhumanfornowlivingonmycou885 yeah because therapist are biochemists.
@@imhumanfornowlivingonmycou885 dumb
My gender dysphoria feels like a voice constantly telling me that I'm the opposite gender, one time I was taking a shower and a thought flew across my mind, I saw myself peeling and by peeling I mean ripping my skin off I saw myself ripping my skin off and under there was a girl. Me.
Ouch I am so sorry! That sounds very painful.
Ask any gender therapist about the difference between synthetic hormones and bioidentical hormones and they disappear...
Sound like a bot.
gender dysphoria for me: it feels like a never-ending scream in the back of my head.. every time i get reminded it just gets louder until i distract myself in some way or just end up having a panic attack.. also there is this feeling of regret that i cant explain, like regretting birth or something i don't know.
I am so sorry to hear.
I have the same feeling!
Something is weird with me!
Like an error occur the system!
Regretting birth is true 😭😭
For me dysphoria is like walking through a world filled with funhouse mirrors. The simple act of binding my chest changes how I view my entire body.
Wow what a vivid metaphor.
@T-Shades that's exactly how it is for my child. The visible change when they don the binder is acutely noticeable. The 1st time they wore it, they cried tears of absolute joy.
I would use their name (not their deadname) but I haven't discussed this with them.
Whatever sex my child was assigned at birth didn't matter then and it doesn't matter now. The only thing that does matter is their happiness. As for the name I and my husband decided on, again, that doesn't matter (if I like it so much, then why don't I use it?), only our child's happiness matters.
I wish you nothing but the very best, you're amazing and fabulous. xxx
For me, accepting that I have gender dysphoria and that I might be a women is like opening Pandora's box and not being able to shut it.
I didn't grow up questioning my gender, I was a boy and that was that, I never even questioned it nor did it matter at the time. Anything that might indicate otherwise I rationalized away with the explanations that I was only doing it cuz I was lonely. And the one time I did question it to a friend it ended up in a very awkward response so I just tried to move on from it. I even supressed my own bi sexuality at some point convincing myself that my obsession with the female physique was just me lusting over them. Then I got into a relationship and none of those feeling changed, they only intensified. I would look at my girlfriend at the time and wish I could dress and look like her.
Its what made me really start to think about it and now I can't stop thinking about it.
And it's been stressful but also very liberating. I'm not fully out to people or even started transitioning. But the steps I have taken such as dressing up, doing makeup, coming up with a name I'm really happy with have all made me feel great about myself. I listen to the music I want without worrying if I'm gonna be made fun of it cuz it's to girly.
I'm opening up to my bi sexuality again instead of being obsessed with being with a women.
And looking back at my childhood there were many things I liked partly do to with androgeness aspects. Like emo fashion and anime characters, where allot of guys display femmenine aspects or atleast blur the line a bit.
Truth is looking back I have never truly felt like a boy/man, but I always thought it was for other reasons like not being tough enough or not having enough facial hair. now I'm close to my 30s and I'm unhappy. And I know being a women won't make my life easier (Infact from what I understand it may only make things harder) and yet I still can't help feeling things would be a whole lot better if I was just born a female from the start.
And considering I'm the type of person to find a million reasons not to do something, I have plenty of reasons why it be easier to just remain a cis male and yet can't talk myself out of not wanting to transition to female. All the reasons in the world doesn't change how I feel, and that I'm at a point where I been essentially living a double life, and I'm sick of living 2 lives.
Thank you for sharing.
I'm feeling very much the same way at around the same age as you. If I may ask, what have you done about it?
I am a transgender female, I have none this since I was 5y/o , I remember telling my mom that I was a girl, she said no!!! You are a boy, she spanked me and sent me to my room. My dad came home and spanked me and left me in my room. I am 57 y/o now, back then there wasn't enough or any info on transgender. So I did my best to play the role I was told to be. I am trying to transition now, it is not easy, I wish I could have done it when I was much younger. To those who feel that they are transgender, educate yourself and do what you feel is best.
Thank you for sharing and I agree about educating yourself.
Thanks for revealing your distain for women. We are human. Yet you want to mimic us for validation. We are female not some identity costume. Show some fucking respect!
When I’m wearing a nice dress and have my make up just right, I look in the mirror and feel so emotionally content it’s hard to describe. When I need to return back into male mode i feel like I’m sinking into the black hole of depression.☹️
Ohhh ouch. Thats very painful.
Then don't. Don't go back, stay who you are, no matter what others think. It's terrifying but so worth it. Live this life is for yourself because if is the only one you're gonna have, so make the best of it (unless you believe in reincarnation of course).
@@cockycookie1 not everyone has that option, sadly.
For the longest time I've suspected there was "something wrong with me" without knowing what.
It wasn't until much later that I found out that transgenderism even exists (my language until about that time didn't even have a word for it).
And then when looking at what it was and starting to think it applied to me I also found out that it was illegal... Transitioning was literally against the law. That law's now changed, but in a way that still makes it next to impossible because of the many hoops you need to jump through (e.g. you can't get your birth certificate changed until you've had gender reassignment surgery, but you can't get that surgery until you had your birth certificate changed).
So yes, it is quite possible to have to live your public life as a "normal" person and be transgender only in private, in secret.
For me personally I'm starting to be more open about it in public, except from my professional life where it'd probably lead to serious problems including losing my entire line of employment (which depends on being considered "incorruptible" and being transgender would likely be considered being easily subverted by blackmail or bribery (people in my line of work who were found out to have specific fetishes and kinks have lost their jobs over that, and being trans is still considered mostly a fetish or kink here outside the medical field).
So again I have to live a double life, present as a man (albeit one with a somewhat weird fashion sense maybe) to my colleagues while to the rest of the world I can present as a (rather masculine looking) woman.
That may change, as I am considering talking to my doctor and starting the medical process by finding a psychologist to guide me through that, which would take years. But my doctor may well tell me it's not a viable option given my medical background of chronic disease.
Phatnom breasts for years, and emotionally feel like female. Just being misunderstood worst part.
Im a bit late, but i haven't been able to describe my dysphoria to anyone and therefore havent been able to get help, im going to do my best here though.
For me gender dysphoria is a constant feeling of "i wish i was born a boy" and "why did i have to be a girl" it is constant reminders of how certain things about me and how others see me is so far from what i want them to see that it is debilitating. Ill forget about it sometimes untill i do something that reminds me, "hey, your voice is really high pitched" or "you know your hips are really wide and you have a big chest" or if someone calls me pretty or compliments feminine features on my body i will literally start to cry
For me its looking at myself and not seeing what i expected when i do so, i want nothing more than to have a deep voice and masculine features, but because i kept these thoughts to myself when i was a child people assume that i never showed any signs, i wish there was a way to better explain myself and that i had time to go through my whole life to people who can help me transition, but alas, i am not very articulate
Thank you for sharing your story. Even through you have never voiced it as a child, and many do not for various reasons, does not mean that the feelings weren't there.
It's never too late! You are very articulate and your story sounds spot on with my whole life... I'm 54 and just beginning... 10 whole days on testosterone now lol... every morning I scan my face for hair growth.... my only regret is not starting decades ago but I grew up in a different time... didn't even know it was possible till my 40s
@@crickus5249 well congratulations on 10 days, im so happy for you, and i may not know you but im proud of you for having the courage to be yourself no matter what, it takes a special kind of person to be able to do that :) god knows I'm not brave enough to so much as come out right now haha, but i did get my first haircut around a month ago which felt great, transitioning seems a little but less scary since i did that
@@DRZPHD :)
I feel the exact same way and u wish you the best!!
Yeah, I haven’t been coping very well with dysphoria my whole life. It’s been so repressed that I’m essentially just now realizing how terrible it is and everything’s coming down all at once.
So sorry to hear!
My boyfriend has recently came out as trans and he’s been feeling guilt tripped and horrible in his body, I’ve been doing a lot of research to help him due to quarantine and you’ve been so much help thank you so much xxxx
Thank you and I am glad you are there for them during this time!
DR Z PHD thank you too miss, what you’re doing is excellent and I’ve told them to go and watch your videos and they feel so much better and have happily celebrated ftm trans day today :)
It's like hating that people are attracted to you because they don't like YOU they like the thing they think you are.
It's like walking and feeling good about myself and suddenly I'll pass a mirror Or feel my chest bouncing Or my brain reminds me of how I look Or I have to speak. It's a reality check in the worst way possible.
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for your pain.
Dysphoria? Just what makes me feel miserable, worthless, and wanting to die everyday of my life.
I am sorry you are struggling. Reaching out to a therapist can really help and I encourage you to do that in your local area.
@@DRZPHD thank you, right now I'm doing my exchange year in the US and I cannot start seeing a therapist until I came home in June.
Ask any gender therapist about the difference between synthetic hormones and bioidentical hormones and they disappear...
Yes, I just want to look and be treated like a female but I don’t have discomforts with my genitals .
My childhood sometimes seems so messed up, that I don't really know, if these feelings were dysphoria or depression or something else. There were a couple times where I put on female clothing and make up and I felt more alive than ever before in these moments. I tried to fit in with all the boys in schools, always knowing, that I don't relate to them, that I'm just different - but I thought there were different reasons behind that. After school I had a long period where I had no male friends at all, which I realised later. For me, it just felt good, I just felt like I could be more me. This was also the time where I experimented with make up and dresses for the first time on my own, but after just a couple bad things happened because of that, I went back to passing as male. Later, these moments repeated. Feeling free with good people around me, experiencing transphobia and going back to pass as male. Recently, I found enough courage to dress as female on a daily basis and my whole world changed inside me. I was very skeptical at first, if I'm really trans. Also because I didn't had huge body dysphoria. But now I feel it.. I have a dog and it is one of the hardest parts to go out on a walk and to have to speak to her with a male voice. It makes me reliving the moments of transphobia when I feel people stare at me, wondering about my deep voice. Nothing bad happened tho, nobody called me out or hurt me verbally yet. But the fear stays.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
For me it feels like I'm really in the wrong body and I was never meant to be born as a girl. It's been like that since i was 4, but it didnt hit too hard till puberty. Didnt help that I started it early too(at 8 years old)
My dad says dysphoria doesn't exist, I honestly can't stand him. Dysphoria makes me cry almost everyday. It feels like I'm in the wrong skin and I just need to get out. I vividly remember asking if i could take off my shirt too at camp because it was really hot, and the boys got to do it, and I said I'm a boy too. The counsler didnt buy it at all. I wanted to vomit looking into a mirror and seeing my female body, I felt sick looking at it, especially when i was little, I couldnt understand why but I wanted to have a male body. When puberty started I felt so alienated, not only because i started it early, but also because it felt so wrong. When i saw my brother going through male puberty in my head, i was thinking "I need that, I can't stand this puberty." I suppressed my feelings of dysphoria for years, then about 2 months ago they came back, oh and it hit so hard too. I cried everyday for a month and I found myself crying multiple times a day from dysphoria. I sometimes wish I could go back to suppressing them, but that won't fix anything.
One thing that makes me feel a bit affirmed is at school I pass as male and I get called by my name (Enzo) and male pronouns. They automatically assume I'm cis so that made me very happy. But then I come back home and am getting constantly misgendered and deadnamed, and usually cry myself to sleep. My mom got me a gender therapist, I see her on monday for the first time. I'm excited, and nervous. It's a step forward in my transition though, and my mom is trying to understand dysphoria and being transgender. At least she's making an effort unlike my dad. I hope to start hrt in a year or 2. I'm really getting tired of feeling like I want to peel my skin off everyday. But I gotta be patient, which I'm not very good at, but I'm trying my best.
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry for your pain.
As always, wonderfully stated... Thank you for making this video. Hopefully, it will help cis-people understand the emotional turmoil we go through.
Thank for your support. It is so important to get more people to understand the real struggle of dysphoria.
Ask any gender therapist about the difference between synthetic hormones and bioidentical hormones and they disappear...
The concept of gender didn’t really occur to me until I got a bit older.
I didn’t feel dysphoria as a little kid. It gradually started to come on throughout time. As an adult it started to get so bad I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror. Even when I started identifying my feelings, I was afraid to express it outwardly.
I did small things, then big things with my appearance, telling myself it was for “x reason” but the incredibly amazing feeling I got led me closer to feeling like the person in the mirror, I was just so afraid to admit it.
I’m still afraid, but I finally don’t want to rip my skin off. I finally don’t feel so dissociated and self-loathing in ways I could never explain. I’m awful with words anyway. I finally feel attractive to myself and I finally feel grateful for being myself as a person instead of hiding it.
I live in a state where misogyny runs rampant, and I’ll inevitably be misgendered and still face sexism. I’ll still have days where I’ll cry. I’ll still have days where I’ll feel so lost I’ll wonder “what’s the point?”
I know that, but at least I’m not forcing myself to allow it to consume me.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best on the path to you!
It's incredible how prepared and great are your videos, literally I can watch it all day, so professional ♥️
Thank you so much 😀
"Being in someone else's body. Hating parts of you that are beautiful because they don't feel like yours". This one resonated with me.
I'm a young transgender man who spent all of his life hearing from others that I was an attractive girl. So my first thought was that my friends would find it weird that I don't want to be a girl, and assume that it's because I think myself as an ugly girl. The problem is not that I think I'm ugly. I also thought I was pretty good looking for a girl. But the problem is not my looks, it's the gender. And I think that's a mistake cis people might make: assume it's not because of the gender but rather some other kind of insecurity. Like "Oh, you just think you're trans because you don't think you're pretty enough in your assigned gender". But my problem wasn't being an ugly girl, it's just being a girl.
To me gender dysphoria is a pretty tamed but constant feeling. Like little drops of everyday disappointment that might explode someday given a bad situation that triggers me.
"I feel like a guy with breasts".
But the worse for me is the social dysphoria. "Girl" means nothing to my identity. It only means something when it's thrown at me as an excuse to shame me or force me to do something "because I'm a girl". So strangers casually miss gendering me does nothing, but when someone angrily tells me that I'm girl I have a physical reaction of feeling dizzy like I almost want to faint, feeling like I'm going to puke, wanting to run away and I just want the person to stop passive agressively calling me a girl...
It’s like people addressing you “Hi Bad Hair” 😂 that’s such a real way to describe that dynamic.
Sorry to hear.
I look at the mirror and she mocks me, I see my hands and I cringe at how big they are, the width of my shoulders, lack of a waist. I feel heavy and bulky. I have heard "Sir", and He and His for so long that my soul is calloused to it. I'm emotionally numb and sometimes I can't handle it and retreat into a dark quiet space inside where there is nothing and I can just not exist for a time. Other times something sets me off and I feel like I'm just barely connected to my physical body by my head and my self is turned to the side or floating behind me. It's an awful existence.
That feeling of not belonging, of having no meaning and when you see others who seem to have the confidence to do what you can not, it's a feeling of shame, being ashamed of being so cripplingly ashamed of yourself that you dare not present publicly in the manner that would make you feel comfortable because you're afraid of what society will say. You try to run from it, but you can't, you try to distract yourself but it doesn't work and in the end, you come right back to the same desire to be someone other than the person you present to society. It hurts, and no matter what you do to try and outrun it or hide it, it just feels like you're putting on a mask for the sake of acceptance.
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry to hear.
@@DRZPHD Thank you, I'm still very much at the beginning of the process, I am currently looking into getting an appointment with my GP to see if I can get a referral to a therapist.
For me it feels like acid is pooling into my lungs, I struggle to breathe, and my stomach twists; this is when Im at my worst.
I am so sorry to hear such pain.
What it takes to have gender dypshoria to me is I feel like I want to change my gender almost everyday. It’s like I want be a girl but I also want to be a boy more than a girl. I feel more comfortable calling myself a boy. I want to dress in masculine clothes more often than feminine clothes. I feel insecure about my body. I have schizophrenia I have thoughts in my head telling me I’m a girl, and transphobic thoughts in my head. I still get misgendered all the time.
Just wanted you to know that I have read your heartbreaking 💔 letter. Although I don't personally experience dysphoria, it doesn't mean to say that I'm unsympathetic to your plight 🤔
As a poet I have written about this & transgender after having spoken to many that have experienced both.
I wish I could offer you a solution other than suggesting therapy, just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you.
Regards
David 🦖🦋
I was tears while watching this video, im 23 and i hate myself just because of the gender i was born, it is so painful just to wake up and look at my self to the mirror with the thought that im not who i really im, it makes me cry, every time i go out i just winder if people sees my male parts or not and it freaks me out and its so painful, i just wish that all of us in here get there treatment and feel a little bit of happiness by charing a lil bit of our stories
I am so sorry to hear of your pain and I wish you all the best.
Thanks, Edna Mode!
No for real though, thank you for elaborately, thoroughly, and compassiinately explaining what gender dysphoria is. It helps trans people with actual mental conditions such as thy to further introduce the proper idea of what bwing transgender is to the general public. People need to understand that being transgender isn't a lifestyle, but more of a condition where it eats the patient's sanity and emotions when not treated.
Glad you found it helpful! And I get Edna mode all the time :) In fact, I got little Edna figurine for my desk :)
Been subscribed at the start, 63 years old, 26 years combat vet. read everything i could afford. you are the best....
Thank you so much!
how you explained it with the haircut & pimples is how i feel most of the time, like i'm dealing with it but if someone (let's say my parents) refer to me as "daughter" or someone refers to me as "miss" or "girl" i just can't stop thinking about that interaction. tbh, i experience dysphoria through my anxiety--it's like the two merged together or something
Thanks for sharing and glad it resonated. Sorry to hear of your pain as well.
It's the chaos that dominates my thoughts of the present, detached from past or future.
It's the grey noise of a fancy suit, and the cheerful, embarrassed joy of a simple skirt.
It's the guilt of hurting either me, or what I was meant to be.
It's the willpower to learn martial arts to defend myself, because I'd rather risk my life as a woman than be safe as a man.
Thank you for the video. Thanks for everybody's contribution =D
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for the work you do and for sharing the perspective of folks struggling with transitioning and dysphoria and not being able to recognize yourself in the mirror. Said so much about how I have felt since I was very young especially since puberty. At 46 It is getting so much harder to hide and feel all the energy hiding and trying to be someone I'm not has robbed me of precious years. I feel it is too late for me to transition and have a lot of fear and am so angry at myself because I feel if I can get past that I would not have ongoing regrets and added missed time in life
Hi and thank you for sharing. Personally, I dont think it is ever too late. I have seen someone in their 80s transition.
@@DRZPHD thank you. I am trying to convince myself it's not too late and to start feeling the pain of not letting myself sooner and all the time lost. I admire that person who did in their 80's just hope I can much sooner
I have been dealing with gender dysphoria for so long,it's hard for me to play 2 characters. Gender dysphoria wants me to be the woman I need to be.I am scared because those who knew me do not accept what is real for me.Everyone outcasted me and I'm ok but i need d to progress with my transition cause the gender dysphoria is so strong and is constantly active thus making it hard to handle lifes tasks.I am a work in progress.
Only recently have a truly began to realize I might have dysphoria (I’m still uncertain out of fear), but with this vivid “tomboyish” brain of mine, I really see it like.. when I recollect my past life for the 500th time, for some reason, it’s all dull and dark. I see a shy, anxious person hiding behind a wall of long hair that’s only long because that person convinced themself they’re girly for 15 years.
Then, I allow myself to imagine myself as a male instead of pushing the thought away.
I see someone with short hair, styled just the way I’d like, showing off his energetic energy as a boy with other boys. It’s a blast of beautiful colors.
Why do I see this? I didn’t even intend to make a metaphor out of it but it just happened. I don’t even know for sure sure yet if I have dysphoria, because everyday I’m still doubting myself with the tiniest excuses and fears. My external appearance and personality always seemed so much like a girl’s, cute and shy, likes drawing and anime. But in there was a boy who loves games, cute things, and singing, someone with a weird but happy personality. Someone who desperately wished for other boys to view him the same but couldn’t. Everyone saw a shy, sweet girl.
......but in the same time, I’m still a little doubtful. If only I could just push a button to get instantly diagnosed and transition without worrying about my family having a meltdown or something.
*i really didn’t think i’d write this much i get emotional easily about this hahahaha*
Thank you for sharing.
your voice is pleasant to listen to, and your content is very informative 👍
Thank YOU!
Finally I found a good way to explain it to other people. I haven been struggling to make people understand - colleagues, my boss, health care people like doctors and psychologists. So now I will share this video with my colleagues and boss at least, and to all on my Facebook. Thank you ^^
Glad you found what resonated with your experience and I am glad to help!
The thing that really hurts is when someone I care about and they're supposed to care about me tells me I don't exist, that I'm not living at this address. I am more of a woman than my wife ever thought about being. She's always refused me as a husband and not that I've resigned myself for the last 30 years to who I am in this photo, she's all pissy about it. All my support has either moved away or died. It was hard to come out to the people I did, but I did it. I was proud of my achievement to come out only to have it smashed again. It's really depressing. Sometimes I don't know how I go on even.........
I am so sorry to hear of your pain.
@@DRZPHD Yes, it's pain and thank you for your sympathies. I just live with it. Thanx for your posts Dr. Z.
I really like how you included the more serious aspects of dysphoria. I struggle to explain it to people. I know they care but to get them to understand is difficult because I managed to get the worst possible version of it. It isnt just on and off discomfort anymore I am always uncomfortable dysphoria is more of pain at this point. Pain and almost like the feeling of a headache and frustration all at once.
Gosh, Darn it, If I knew "then what I know now" I wouldn't have binged and purged so many times and I would now have the resources to medically transition completely. I have been punishing myself, cursing myself, sabotaging myself for so long because I don't feel I fit in. Finally, in my old age, I am caring less what other people say and think (or try to) and transitioning. This is HARD work. My therapist is helping me learn to love myself. And this is a lot of what I hear in DR. Z's messages.
I find it so wonderful when a professional decides out of the kindness of their hearts as well as an eager and earnist search for knowledge truth or answers simply puts all of the things they learn out into the world for free. It is such an expression and reminder on how special the human drive for meaning is and how many good people there are in a world that can sometimes feel cruel. Such a wonderful and deeply meaningful thing you have created here with this channel and you should be proud of it.
Thank you so much! I learn from others every day who share their knowledge and feel it is the main purpose of humankind. Alongside of kindness.
This is so true! Even after six years of being on my way... I became cold of emotions. I feel hopeless a 100% around. This entire universe and world feels to me so very false and failed
Also I dont know how to cope with dysphoria. But I write depressive music when I am down. Here is my "vomit bucket" band called Being "alive" is beautiful:
m.ruclips.net/user/results?sp=mAEA&search_query=being+alive+is+beautiful
I am so sorry to hear.
Dysphoria has destroyed my life for the last 50 years by suppressing it and not dealing the fact that I have always been a female inside but have had to present as male all of my life, I thought that when I came out recently it would end the pain and suffering that I have endured for 50 years but all I did was exchange that pain and suffering for a new ones, loneliness and isolation all of the people that I invited to join me on my journey and who said that they would support me have all but disappeared. What hurts the most is that two of these people were my sisters and other one was my wife. In the last three weeks none of these people have once contacted me to check up and find out if I was okay. My wife won't even try to deal with it and sisters tell don't share information as they're not ready as they are still grieving. Grieving for who what about the person that is still alive I am not dead.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
Very well explained. I have gender dysphoria when I get my period, when I speak on the phone or whenever I pay attention to my own voice(very feminine) and hate it!! I seriously HATE my chest. It’s unnecessary on my body. It doesn’t connect to my brain....Dr. Z I think it’s time for me to see you.
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry you are going through this.
when I first came out to my mom, she seemed really supportive and even seemed like she wanted to help as much as she could. but now whenever I talk about it she says things like "why cant you just be normal?" and "is that even a real thing?" and it hurts more than she could ever know, its like tiny little knives go a little deeper into me every time she calls me a girl... It doesn't even seem like she really cares about how I feel.
I am so sorry to hear.
For me, using the hair analogy, it's like putting on a wig. One that's obviously not my style (like conforming to my assignment at birth), but it's better than a bad haircut (or being seen as weird and confusing), and I know I can take it off at the end of the day. It's uncomfortable, it's not me, but often times it's a choice between the lesser of two uncomfortable options, and I chose the path of least resistance in most cases.
Thanks for sharing.
Totally relate to this
It feels like a prison. I can't be like anyone else my age, I can't explore my sexuality, I always feel like I'm only gendered correctly because they know about my gender feelings and not because they truly believe I look like a male. I am disgusted with female anatomy and sometimes avoid going to the bathroom to confront my body, when I wear feminine clothes I do not see that as me, and I force myself to speak with a deeper pitch until my throat hurts and I still do not want to stop or I will feel terrible about myself and I feel gross, abnormal and disgusting for being and feeling this way, because I know my female features wouldnt be considered ugly by most people but for me it isnt good at all, I desperately want to change the way I look and sound and I put down my manneurisms and I hate having mostly female friends, I feel like an effeminate joke.
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry to hear you are struggling.
My gender dysphoria really confuses me. At the beginning of puberty (and before it aswell) I was very excited. I had never seen myself as anything other than a girl and I was happy with the changes that were happening or were going to happen. At the beginning of quarantine it feels like something just happened, like I got a switch flipped in my head that made me completely resent everything about myself because I look like a girl, I sound like a girl, and at the time was also called a girl. Maybe it's because I finally got time to think about myself? I've never heard any other trans person experience this and it would be great to know if I'm not the only one who's had this happen to them.
Thanks for sharing and sorry to hear. Spending a lot of time in isolation can do many things. Best to safely explore what came up without rushing into any medical interventions.
If this comment seems too personal, feel free to delete it.
I am 32 and going on 33 next month. Less than a month ago, I discovered I was trans, MTF. Yet, there's always been dysphoria looking back. I am intersexed and have always had dysphoria and despair toward my genitals. Admittedly, I thought it was purely due to developmental problems that started as a teen, and I "lost the lottery" on a vital part. There was always something in the back of my head, though, screaming that I'd rather be a girl and wished I was. But now that I know who I am, I see things differently in some surprisingly positive ways. I see everything wrong with me when I look in the mirror, but now I have the desire to change it and actually give a damn about what I look like, unlike when I thought I was a man/boy. Once I can afford to, I'm excited to go on the adventure. I have dysphoria for sure with my genitals, specifically my gonads. I have made peace with my other part only for I know it will one day be reformed, and joking refer to it as my "cl*t." lol
Thank you Dr Z. Recently my teenager told me that they thought they were trans. A few months on & my beautiful daughter has socially transitioned. Her school has been really supportive & her friends are not fazed at all. I find myself on a rollercoaster of emotions because I can feel that this is right & true for her but I’m struggling with what I do with my memories. How do I reconcile remembering a little boy with this new reality? Although I was surprised, shocked when she came out to me, when I look back, a lot of things make sense now. I can see that now, she can be herself whereas in the past she always seemed to not be able to fully relax with her peer groups.
I am watching, listening to as much as I can now to understand. It’s funny, I have been following a lot of trans people on Twitter for years as their struggle - bodily autonomy, was a fight I understood living in a country that only legalised abortion 4 years ago. I valued their comradeship & now I wonder, was I also subconsciously preparing myself. I’m so glad I was following & trying to understand as my teen felt safe coming out to me. I only found you Dr Z recently & am devouring your professional insight alongside the other trans or trans ally output online. My best wishes & for hanks to all of you beautiful people for sharing your thoughts / experiences. You are helping me support my child on her life journey.
The way I have explained how I have experienced it is "A kid on the street, window shopping for a body they wish they had the money to buy, while an anxious parent is constantly tugging them along, screaming that they are unable to afford it."
I am so sorry to hear.
I've been out for about half a year, but I've never been able to describe how I'm feeling to anyone in my life. This haircut analogy is incredibly accurate to how I've felt in social situations for years. The only thing I'd add is that: even when people aren't directly taking about the my gender (or telling you about your haircut in the analogy) for any amount of time, you still feel them perceiving it always. This is made worse because everyone constantly tells you how they perceive your gender, you know what they're thinking even when they say nothing at all (like if someone tells you that your haircut is bad all the time, even when they're silent, or talking about something else, you know when they look at you, they see your haircut, and you know every detail of how they think about it)
Thank you for sharing and I am glad it resonated.
Thank you for your video, I transitioned 4 years ago and I’m still not in peace with myself.
Days are very different to another 🙏🏻
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry to hear about your struggles.
Dr, Z! Thank you for your videos! They are very helpful to me at this point in my life! I "feel" like a woman and present as female as much as I can. I do not anticipate genital reassignment, but rather will ignore my male genitals and seek help from my doctor to increase my own breast size! I look for the day I no linger need wigs and breast forms to be a woman!
Hi Michelle and thank you for sharing. Physical transition does come to an end I hope yours will end soon so that you can be fully free to live your life!
I have to thank you again, your videos bring some light into my life, so much good information, by someone that really cares. ❤❤❤❤❤
One thing I have figured out. Life is short, too short, and if your not happy (which I’am not), one has to do something about it.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best!
This video resonates so close to home for me.
For me My Dysphoria comes and goes and I never know what will trigger it. Usually looking in the mirror especially after a shower.
Imagine getting out of the shower you're feeling all clean and fresh just combed out your hair and then BAM!! Suddenly the person looking back at you in the mirror opens a floodgate of emotions. A deep burning hatred erupts from within.
Then you just can't stop staring and the more you look the more depressed you get. Until eventually you just walk away from the mirror and go into your room and do one of two things.
You either start being yourself in your private space using all of the things you've hidden that make you feel better about yourself, or you just lay on the bed and throw the covers over yourself so you don't have to see yourself, then stare at the ceiling and question everything about yourself and why you feel the way you do. The back of your throat starts tightening and the tears are not far away as you start to externalize the struggle within.
If someone told you that you would have to risk everything and everyone you love for a CHANCE at true happiness would you take it?
Most people would say absolutely not without guaranteed True Happiness.
However for a group of people who have never actually been truly happy in their life the thought of a chance of finally getting released from this prison of self loathing is worth the risk of losing everything.
I have not come out as Trans to anyone and have yet to talk to a doctor about starting HRT to help me overcome my dysphoria. I am terrified of everything.
In my 34 years of life there have only been two things that make me truly smile. My Niece's and after changing my appearance to look the way I think I should look.
There is a peace and joy that just happens when you finally see YOUR reflection and not the reflection that you HATE. The one that no one knows about.
The one that if anyone else saw, it would look so off putting to them. They can't see what you can see. They can't see the twinkle in your eye as you finally see YOURSELF. The involuntary smile that sneaks up from out of nowhere and the reason we take pictures of ourselves in that moment so that we can look back on it and remember that feeling.
I am 34 years old and finally deciding to do something about it. To take that chance. The older I get the worse the feelings get. Im almost halfway through my life and I want to spend the second half of my life smiling. Is that so wrong?
Hope this helps some folks understand who may not be Trans some of what and why we do what we do. As well as help someone who is struggling like I am to know you're not alone and there is HOPE
Thank you for sharing personal experience and I am sorry about your pain.
Before coming out and starting my transition I felt like I was incarcerated in the wrong body. I would feel odd and strange all the time because I felt so unhappy with having to wear the mask of masculinity and seeing a male body that was clearly not mine. Since coming out and starting transition I feel a lot more comfortable in my body and self but the dysphoria still creeps in from time to time.
Thank you for sharing.
I love that bad haircut analogy, I'll start using that one :)
For me, my chest often feels like there's two alien parasites that have latched onto it and are scratching me and pulling on my skin, and sucking the life out of me. I just want to rip them off but I can't. I have to wait.
I am so sorry to hear of your pain.
It's like using a machine that's missing a part. I figured out how to make the machine work, but I have to constantly use the machine the wrong way to work around the missing part. When anybody asks how it's working, I tell them it works perfectly.
Then one day I found the part. But it's over there, behind a glass wall, outside the machine room. The only way to get it is to break the wall to get it, but then everybody will know the machine is broken. What will they think if they learn that the machine doesn't actually work the way they're used to seeing?
Wow powerful metaphor and sadly fitting. I am so sorry.
it all started when i was about 6 i started putting on girl's clothing i allways liked the feeling .i am 72 now and i still dress up , i only have a couple friends all my famely are all dead before 72 i do have a sister in law that i am close to that great thanks. dr z phd i do like the way i feel richard
Thank you for sharing.
This is incredibly therapeutic to watch, thank you!
So glad to hear!
How you explained it is so true. Like I remembered every super bad experience of dysphoria and it was just so horrible. At the end of that story, where it talks about how you can't even recognize yourself or your body because it doesn't feel like yours is how I've felt literally my entire life. Its such an insane feeling its awful i hate it so much.
I almost feel lucky in a way because as I've grown, I look more masculine and it decreases my dysphoria a lot. I also naturally inherited a higher amount of testosterone (i didnt even know this until kinda recently) and remembering that makes me feel better too.
Its so hard to explain because i dont feel like a male, I am a male. like when videos talk about how trans ppl feel like the opposite sex, male doesn't even feel like the opposite sex for me because I am male. I hope any of that made sense.
Makes perfect sense and thank you for sharing your experience.
To the young:Save your money, when you can, that way, as time passes on, you will be able to get the best surgeries money can buy. To the old(der), sell your possessions(what you can), have stability of what you have and transition, as much as you can.
Sadly time is something many dont have to spare :(
Thank you so much for this great video. It helps a lot to see your analysis and your comments about all these feelings that we have... I see that normally many people in our trans world have that feeling of "I hate my body", or "I am in the wrong body"... For me it is a little different because I don't have so much those feelings, but instead I do have a very strong feeling that I love me when I am in my female persona. I really feel happy when I am dressed up and see myself as a woman in the mirror; or when I show myself as a woman to others, and they treat me like a woman... It feels fine and great, to present myself as a woman, and I am happy when I do it... So I don't have a lot of the "negative feelings" of looking as a man when I am in my male persona, but I do have a lot of the "positive feelings" of feeling and looking like a woman... Do you think this combination of feelings maybe show a gender dysphoria that is not so strong? Or it could be a different behaviour and not gender dysphoria? Thanks a lot for all your wonderful videos and sharing of your knowledge and experience.
Thanks for sharing. I don't think you need negative feelings. Many have positive feelings and are looking toward their transition.
@@DRZPHD Thank you very much for your answer! And once again, for your wonderful videos, so useful to our community! 💗
when you brought out the haircut metaphor I started crying cause no ones described that feeling so accurately to me before. I remember my mom dyed her hair orange accidentally one time and she was crying and wouldnt go anywhere and had to have someone else go get dye to fix it, i think maybe if i showed her this she could understand a bit more
So sorry to hear of your pain. I do realize the metaphor is very reductionistic but feel it may help many cis people understand better.
I agree for sure. I explained it to my cis friend yesterday:) it helped her understand a little
The gender dysphoria that I've experienced definitely gets the body-swap feeling, except imagine that it's all gritty, like that movie "Buffalo 66", grey, ultra-nihilistic and the little joy of having someone romantically interested in you distracts you from it all. But, when the romance is gone, imagine being reminded of that feeling of the body-swap and how no amount of Nair or shaving will save you. I don't feel the suicidal aspect that the character from the movie did, but when the dysphoria is in full gear, I do feel like I want to trade back my ford pick-up body for my preferred.
Thanks for sharing.
This is all correct. It's like looking in the mirror and you are not seeing in the mirror on what your mind see's. I still have those times on just feeling so good and happy with myself and everything and then out of the blue, it hits me and I start feeling down about myself on how I look and namely my bottom area and just wanting to rip it off as it causes so much pain.
Thanks for sharing. I am so sorry to hear of your pain.
It’s always been about the ideal female body and the fact that I lack the most basic aspects of being female because I wasn’t born one. I remember how alone I felt growing up and how much I missed out on because of the simple fact that everyone saw me as a boy and that label just didn’t feel right to me. It made me hate myself so much! I hated that I was expected to be strong and masculine because that wasn’t me at all and that it would be looked down upon for me to enjoy feminine things such as wearing makeup, painting my nails, wearing dresses and heels, etc. But what really made me feel the absolute worst was the fact that every time I saw myself in the mirror I was reminded that I couldn’t be upset with people for thinking I was a boy because my body and my voice was telling them just that and I was also mad that I was stuck like this and there was no way out of it. I didn’t know what being trans was then though. All I knew was in my mind I was a girl and that’s how I saw myself while everyone else saw me as a boy and treated me as such. It’s why I’ve always be so insecure. Why I was never able to have confidence in myself or even love my individual self because I wasn’t who I wanted to be. I wasn’t me. Now that I’ve finally accepted who I am and have the confidence to cross dress without a care in the world of what others might think I’m a lot happier but those feelings aren’t gone! In fact I feel so miserable having to take it all off at the end of the day because I have to be my old self and that means I’m a boy still 😭😤. But I’m looking into going to see a gender therapist soon! These feelings I’ve had all these years need to finally be addressed!
Thank you for sharing.
Dr. Z you are truly a wonderful person
🤗
Sometimes I tell my parents but they say it is just a phase and I feel like it's hopeless and I have no where no go. Especially they are not very educated to LGBT things because they hate it.
Sometimes I wake up randomly at night and I experience the dysphoric feeling.
The bathroom is the worse place because their is a mirror and you're naked.
I am so sorry. Bathroom and mirrors are often very difficult for most gender diverse people.
Hang in there. Once you're 18, they can't stop you from doing anything.
@@paulotero5502 yeh thx
Sometimes im almost caught off gaurd and feel confused as to why i have this thing between my legs , it feels forgien , like a tumor, a growth that should have never been, something that doesnt belong and never did .
Thanks for sharing.
When I look at old photos of my girl self I genuinely cant recognized her. She looks like someone I vaguely know like an old freind or somthing but I cant never see her as mem dont know if that's dysforia working its garbage
Hi. Hard to say if it is dysphoria without knowing your history.
Ask any gender therapist about the difference between synthetic hormones and bioidentical hormones and they disappear...
Hi Dr.Z.
How you presented this video was so caring, truly inspiring and right.
You really are a light in the darkness.
A beautiful lady and soul.
Wow, thank you
holy cow, those quotes hit hard, i freaked out about the feeling like an alien and wanting to rip your own face off... thought you took that right out of my mind because i do not remember voicing that publicly... or to anyone for that matter.
Thanks for sharing.
It's all about crying, suffering inside and protecting your loved ones and ones who love you
So sorry to hear.
@@DRZPHD You are giving me hope, thank you. there are people who understand and trying to help. You are the first person made me open up, even it is just by writing.
Before I knew it as dysphoria it was a silent demon hidden in the shadows of my subconscious mind. Now I know it as dysphoria and I seek to be conscious of it to handle it as I so slowly transition. I hate my own reflection, I hate my name, I hate my male body, sometimes it is so painful I feel physically nauseous when I look in the mirror and am reminded that I am not who I see in my own head. It is the cause of so much pain and has been for decades.
I am so sorry to hear of your pain.
That must have been hard. Whew! How long I dreamed I’d just wake up one, look down into the mirror and see my pretty slim fingers and then look up and say “OMG, it really WAS a bad dream and I really am a beautiful girl!”
Thank you for sharing.
Dysphoria, for me; is like being trapped in a box, a labeled one, that no matter how hard i try, i will continue to be shoved in that box. I can bind, pack, dress a certain way but people will still shove me in that box. The box is small and suffocating, and nobody can see how much pain I'm in. Luckily, I should be starting HRT soon and I might be able to escape that box a tiny bit.
Why a painful image. I am so sorry and I am glad you are starting HRT soon.
I felt like a changeling. Like I had taken the place of someone who actually fit into the family, and instead was an imposter who was only pretending to be what everyone else expected. I would wear the right clothes, say the right thing, and "be" the right person, but it never felt like it was really me. When I began to take steps towards becoming more authentically myself, it felt like I was engaging with reality for the first time, instead of just playing a part.
Thanks for sharing.
For me dysphoria. I wish I had a body like a woman. Then I would be happy. I felt this way for 50 years. Yes when I was age 4.
So sorry to hear that. Thats a long time.
Ask any gender therapist about the difference between synthetic hormones and bioidentical hormones and they disappear...
@@imhumanfornowlivingonmycou885 shut up.
I did not realize i had been depressing my identity and feelings. I never liked my body,but repression since early childhood made it very hard for me to see that in me.I felt constant tension in my body,anxious and addicted to video games. Video games were a huge gateway to finding out about how i felt,as i nearly always sought to be female.
Sorry to hear that.
I've been struggling with dysphoria for so long that it just became part of my life. I avoid looking in the mirror everywhere I can... I try to be the person behind the camera so I never have to see pictures of myself. It sort of makes me a ghost in my own life... but in the end, I'd rather not be in the picture than have... basically an imposter standing in. That's not my face... it doesn't feel like my body.
It wasn't until one of my friends gave me a makeover... looking him the mirror and actually seeing something far closer to what my brain tells me I should be seeing looking back out of the mirror. Knowing that kind of joy is what has been absent my entire life every time I look int he mirror. It was amazing... but at the same time heartbreaking that I've spent my entire life trying to mask the way I feel... leaning hard into "being a man" thinking that would resolve what felt like a lack of confidence.
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry to hear of your pain.
That was an excellent video and summary of gender dysphoria. Thankyou. I suppose I try and cope with my dysphoric by pretending it's not there. Some things are easily repressed if they're denied. But it doesn't always work. My dysphoria fluctuates in intensity to the point where I can't just go on without acknowledging it. It is a lonely experience, but perhaps I'm just yet to meet someone like me.
Thanks for sharing.
When i was 2 I began to know something was wrong. By the time i was 3 i knew it and i was so hurt, angry and confused. I couldnt understand why it was this way. I felt hurt because no one loved me enough to help me. I wanted to to destroy the world for betraying me.
Even now, when I look back at my childhood, i see the path of pain I lived. But next to that I see a path I could have lived. I mourn constantly that loss of that childhood I should have lived. Not a life of privilege, without trauma and pain. Just the life of a normal girl growing up. It hurts. I didnt want the moon. I just needed to be who I was. What I knew beyond suspect what I was.
I'm a baby trans. Just really realizing the life of pain it has caused me. Finally trying to figure out what I must do. When I put on a pair of panties my world changes. I feel better. I feel better about me. I cant stand to sleep or walk around without a shirt. But when I put on a pair of panties, my mind changes. I feel good about my body. I feel better about everything. When I wake up after sleeping in a pair of panties the world seems a better place.
I still dont know what Im going to do. But there is no doubt about gender dysphoria. There is no doubt that for whatever biological reason, chromosomes, genetics, endocrinology, conditions during gestation, etc... my mind knows I am female while my body is at least mostly male. Its not childhood fancy in anyway. Its knowing over a lifetime that you were born the wrong sex. Just like all the trauma I had over my life, I wish it wasnt so. But you cant just make it go away. It is part of you. I just need to figure out what to do about it.
This video made me realize that I have/had social dysphoria a good amount of it. That’s why I saw myself as a noncorporal entity. Thank you. I’m nonbinary now that I figured it out.
You are welcome and ohh your Pug icon! I am sucker for them and have a pug myself.
DR Z PHD That’s so cool! Pugs are cute.
I’m currently going to therapy with a psychologist at a gender clinic in Finland. I’ve been out for 5 years and I find it really hard to explain how I know I’m a male and how my dysphoria works. I’m just trynna live my life the best that I can just like everyone else
I wish you all the best.
Had to describe myself as a man today and I could barely get it out of my mouth. Just felt so wrong.
I have been questioning my gender for the last year, but only considered that I could be trans about a week ago. I haven't stopped thinking about it since. I am painfully aware that I could be faking though, as last year during the quarantine I convinced myself I had a very rare mental illness, so it wouldn't be the first time.
I am seeing my therapist sometime soon, but I doubt he has any training in gender. Either way it will be good to talk about it. The only person I've told that I think I might be trans is my best friend who was very supportive.
I just feel so big and man like and I'm afraid if I were to transition that I could never look the way I want to, and I would be ugly as a woman.
I had just started to feel better too, before I realized I might be trans. Overall my mental health has been very bad throughout my life and even most of this year. But 2 months ago I got a new job and made a bunch of new friends at work. I was feeling pretty good but good things never last I suppose. Now all of a sudden I hate my body again because it's not a woman's, even though I had finally grown to like it these last few years.
Anyways if you read this thank you, if not that's fine I kinda just wanted to talk.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
I was a gay guy. Every time I let myself loose, I became feminine. I didn't like being a feminine gay man. Eventually that conflict between my masculinity and femininity as a man became desperate. When I thought of myself as a woman, I didn't mind how feminine or masculine I was. As I transitioned, I became more comfortable with my expressions... I could focus on other things that are much more worth my while.