Just saw this again Duane. Helps me a lot. It's so spot on and accurate. It's critical, that people listen and watch this post to help with some sort of closure or to at least avoid a trigger point by not contacting the ex under any circumstances unless it's something to do with the kids.
No contact is the ONLY way to get free. Have children with them? Have someone you trust transport your children. No contact is your only salvation and the ONLY way to protect yourself. Do not answer them in ANY form of communication. The longer you stay no contact the better you will be. Tell yourself that no contact is forever and you will get better sooner.
HI DWAYNE THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS .IM STRUGGLING AFTER BEING DISCARDED. IM.BEING GIVEN THE SILENT TREATMENT.. IM SEVERELY TRAUMA BONDED.. NARCISSISTIC ABUSE IS VERY BRUTAL.
Sorry to hear that Demi, was hoping to hear you were doing better and not trapped. BUT these people, and the trauma bound are real and very difficult to break free from.
@@DSD THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT I WAS GOING NO CONTACT I WAS HOVERED IN JUNE USED DISCARDED THE SAME DAY I HAVE BEEN ON A TWO MONTH SILENT TREATMENT. I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON I WILL NEVER ALLOW THIS PERSON TO USE ME AGAIN..
@@DSD very well put…..if I had a nickel 4 everytime I’ve done so w/several narcs….took me awhile to cut female friendships off….bc there are some laughs😰
Great content as usual. No contact for me means written communication only (we share custody) and she does not like it. Periodic mini hoovers are pathetic now. Your channel has given me clarity for last 3 years. Thank you so much!
Good talk D! I especially like the part about "what did we see in them?". I must've been more than slightly mentally ill to put up with the nonsense as long as I did. My worst days now are better than my best days then. Good riddance and sorry for the other guy! 🤣
I hope you’re not beating up on yourself for breaking no contact. You haven’t lost *everything* you gained in these first 90 days-in fact, you learned something important that you can now incorporate into your plan to reorder your life. What led up to the contact? Yeah, avoid that in the future. Take your Life Lessons in stride-it’s OK to “mess up.” Why? Because I never learned much when I did the right thing but ohhh....what I learned from my ***f ups. Pain: The only true universal language. Take care.
I split and maintained no contact until he went for therapy. He did that, so I agreed to talk. He said everything right so I took him back. Once he moved back in the abuse started up almost immediately
Hi Duane Great show as usual 😀 I totally agree with no contact, very hard at first specially when kids are involved but we are broken people and we have to fix ourselves and when we do we are much happier with our lives ,but it will take time a lot of time And then we will ask ourselves why o why did we put up with so much of that abuse thanks Duane and a very happy birthday to you 🎂 I am a bit early 😊 Mick from Ireland
Thanks so much Mick. Yeah it's so important to fix ourselves - that is how everything starts to change. It does just take a lot of time. Thanks so much for the birthday wishes! Yeah few more days and I'm going to be 52... 😳 holy cow...
@@DSD you are awesome, thank you for asking! Truthfully, no, it did not help. Only because you said I should concentrate on myself. I have been healing for the past 6 years, no dating. I am ready to date now, I am healed from past trauma. My problem is that I can not find a second date because anytime I explain my past and why I do not see my child, I am seen as a bad person. How can you explain this crazy situation to a possible romantic partner?
Sorry to hear that Christina. The sad reality is most men, at least nowadays, who are older will see any potential for drama and “run for the hills”. Everyone is looking for “red-flags” and when you first start out and haven’t put much time into a person it’s easy to just “eject eject eject”. You’re in a catch-22 because if you say something that is a problem and if you wait to stay something that can also be seen as a problem. Honestly I do not see why that should be apart of the first conversation. I would focus more on the “now” of that moment and leave that conversation for when this are moving forward (or at least a couple of dates in). The reality is on an initial meet if someone was willing to sign up for the potential trauma you’re going through that’s kind of a red-flag of it’s own. Or if the question is asked just say something like, “It was a crazy divorce and the kids live with their dad now.” You could turn it around and if they ask further say, “The kids needed a break from the chaos and the best solution at the time was this.” Or something like that. All of those conversations are difficult and again on a first date I’m not sure someone is owed that much detail into your personal life.
Have u ever considered making a video about dating someone w a narc ex. My ex is a covert narc but i can have no contact n im fine. My new guys ex wife is the worst covert narc ever. She wont leave him alone. He tries n it doesnt matter..he can be happy she will go to the length of threatening him w a lawyer over ridiculous power plays that dont make sense....if i dont hide in a corner from their kids and her she starts to lash out n badmouth me. Her kids found pictures on her tablet of me n them at public places...so she was spying on us and taking pics which really creeps me out. When her kids come to me for help w things then ask me to be their mom i want to run n hide. It pisses her off i can make her family happy when she cant n im scared literally to what she will do. My ex had me walking on eggshells never knowing but that was my relationship my triggers my no contact to achieve. No one told me id be dealing w another one that ive never known trying their best to badmouth me n destroy my mans life n be so nasty.
Actually I have and I've even done a couple of videos my with LTR where we talk about the complexities of this and how difficult it has been on her (well and us). The sad reality is someone opting in doesn't really understand what they are signing up for and a lot of people can't handle it. Because of this, in my personal situation, we’ve taken things REALLY slow. We don’t live together and we understand that any time we have a special event/time with the kids there will be consequences. I think had we moved in together or got married it would have made the relationship and situation VERY complicated and could have potentially destroyed the relationship. So it is extremely difficult. Early on there was a time where the kids were “happy” to have a stable woman around but the ex quickly destroyed that and strained everything - so I can definitely relate to what you’re talking about.
I broke no contact three separate times last month and still havent forgoven myself. I got wrapped back up in arguing in circles because i didnt want to be a villian in his story. How do i forgive myself?
What does putting in the work look like? My ex might have been a narcissist, definitely hard-core dismissive avoidant. I’ve been in no contact for two years and I still ruminate and hurt a lot over her. I could really use some help
That’s a great question. It means putting in the work to confront the issues that go you to this point. This typically means peeling back all the issues and trauma that you’ve been through. That can be VERY difficult. At the same time you have to work on rebuilding (or building) your own personal boundaries so that you value yourself more than being with someone. This then leads into become comfortable being by yourself. Then next part is dealing with the rumination and hurt over the loss/illusion of the relationship and the future you expect. For me this was (and I hate to say it) a LOT of therapy with a trauma therapist. We tried different things to include EMDR. From there I also did hypnosis files (I couldn’t find a local person in my area) that helped with the trauma bonding, letting go, and processing the unreciprocated emotions (from the ex). This was an iterative process that (unfortunately) took a couple of years and some pretty dark times. BUT on the other side of this the residual feelings and emotions AND the PTSD have subsided and what remains is easily managed. No contact is a part of all of this but without all of the other work you will be like what you’re saying, still stuck in that phase. It’s painful to work through all of this stuff BUT the payoff is worth it. If you don’t have anyone directly to worth with I do offer coaching. But a lot of what I mentioned is in my “Mindset for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery” playlist that is on my main channel page on the RUclips channel.
@@DSD I really cannot thank you enough for taking the time you did to respond so thoroughly. I don’t even know what to say. It’s suffocating to think I’m going to feel this for more than likely years to follow. I have never been so hurt, lost, and terrified in my whole life. I don’t know how I got to this point. I’m a 28 year old marine infantry veteran, I’ve had a lot of shit happen to me and lost a lot of people. But THIS is what’s defeated me!? I’m so mad with myself, I saw all of the red flags and knew I would get hurt in the beginning. But I didn’t know people existed that could just throw you away, internally put you on a shelf, and then never think another thought about it again. I feel like regardless of what work I put into this, with how I’m feeling and so dysfunctional, I will suffer from this for life. I would love to have a session with you, if you could give me your availability and how to connect I would be greatful. I’ve listened to your video on repeat, and it helped me a bit. Thank you again, Devon
Well let me tell you this Devon…. The part where you say, “ I feel like regardless of what work I put into this, with how I’m feeling and so dysfunctional, I will suffer from this for life” is EXACTLY how I felt and it was devastating. Even as I started to have little “micro” improvement I felt as though I would ALWAYS suffer with the pain. In some ways I used to think, “This will be like losing a limb, but people learn to deal with it.” So the level of success and recovery I’ve experience I NEVER thought was achievable. This is why I say I’m grateful for this nightmare of an experience because I would have NEVER achieved this level of peace that I have today. So hang in there man you’re working through this and it’s a long process BUT there is healing on the other side of this. I have my availability and details on my website, www.dadsurvivingdivorce.com/coaching
Thank you so much Dwayne.. that really means a lot to me hearing you say that. Because that’s EXACTLY how I feel. I have very micro improvements here and there, but haven’t really seen the needle move much. Hearing you say that’s how you felt, and the level of peace you’re at now gives me hope. That’s all I’m trying to find, is my piece again.. thanks man, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I will definitely be looking into setting something up with you!
The interesting thing about this is they follow patterns and so do we. That is why so many of us can relate to each others stories because our "path" through it is VERY similar. Obviously all of our stories are unique BUT there are a lot of commonalities between them and we all tend to recover in a VERY similar way. The good thing about that is there is a pathway through this and you can start to see/hear success stories of others who have made it! Hang in there man!
Just saw this again Duane. Helps me a lot. It's so spot on and accurate. It's critical, that people listen and watch this post to help with some sort of closure or to at least avoid a trigger point by not contacting the ex under any circumstances unless it's something to do with the kids.
No contact is the ONLY way to get free. Have children with them? Have someone you trust transport your children. No contact is your only salvation and the ONLY way to protect yourself. Do not answer them in ANY form of communication.
The longer you stay no contact the better you will be. Tell yourself that no contact is forever and you will get better sooner.
So true!!!
HI DWAYNE THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS .IM STRUGGLING AFTER BEING DISCARDED. IM.BEING GIVEN THE SILENT TREATMENT..
IM SEVERELY TRAUMA BONDED..
NARCISSISTIC ABUSE IS VERY BRUTAL.
Sorry to hear that Demi, was hoping to hear you were doing better and not trapped. BUT these people, and the trauma bound are real and very difficult to break free from.
@@DSD
THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT
I WAS GOING NO CONTACT I WAS HOVERED IN JUNE USED DISCARDED
THE SAME DAY I HAVE BEEN ON A TWO MONTH SILENT TREATMENT.
I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON I WILL NEVER ALLOW THIS PERSON TO USE ME AGAIN..
Sometimes we have to “test the waters” to prove to ourselves what we already know.
@@DSD
ABSOLUTELY SO VERY TRUE
@@DSD very well put…..if I had a nickel 4 everytime I’ve done so w/several narcs….took me awhile to cut female friendships off….bc there are some laughs😰
Thank you. Was very helpful!
Greetings from Ukraine
Thanks for the comment and I’m glad it was helpful! These situations are so painful.
Great content as usual. No contact for me means written communication only (we share custody) and she does not like it. Periodic mini hoovers are pathetic now. Your channel has given me clarity for last 3 years. Thank you so much!
Thanks so much for the support and your story. It’s amazing when things make that shift. It’s like all their power slips away.
Good talk D! I especially like the part about "what did we see in them?". I must've been more than slightly mentally ill to put up with the nonsense as long as I did. My worst days now are better than my best days then. Good riddance and sorry for the other guy! 🤣
Thanks so much Tyr! I hear you about the now vs then... That was really weird to wrap my head around...
I hope you’re not beating up on yourself for breaking no contact. You haven’t lost *everything* you gained in these first 90 days-in fact, you learned something important that you can now incorporate into your plan to reorder your life. What led up to the contact? Yeah, avoid that in the future. Take your Life Lessons in stride-it’s OK to “mess up.” Why? Because I never learned much when I did the right thing but ohhh....what I learned from my ***f ups. Pain: The only true universal language. Take care.
I split and maintained no contact until he went for therapy. He did that, so I agreed to talk. He said everything right so I took him back. Once he moved back in the abuse started up almost immediately
Hi Duane Great show as usual 😀 I totally agree with no contact, very hard at first specially when kids are involved but we are broken people and we have to fix ourselves and when we do we are much happier with our lives ,but it will take time a lot of time
And then we will ask ourselves why o why did we put up with so much of that abuse thanks Duane and a very happy birthday to you 🎂 I am a bit early 😊
Mick from Ireland
Thanks so much Mick. Yeah it's so important to fix ourselves - that is how everything starts to change. It does just take a lot of time. Thanks so much for the birthday wishes! Yeah few more days and I'm going to be 52... 😳 holy cow...
Talk about stone walling too
Thank you!!
Hi Christina, thanks so much for the support. I wanted to ask, during that livestream when I went over your question was that helpful at all?
@@DSD you are awesome, thank you for asking! Truthfully, no, it did not help. Only because you said I should concentrate on myself. I have been healing for the past 6 years, no dating. I am ready to date now, I am healed from past trauma. My problem is that I can not find a second date because anytime I explain my past and why I do not see my child, I am seen as a bad person. How can you explain this crazy situation to a possible romantic partner?
Sorry to hear that Christina. The sad reality is most men, at least nowadays, who are older will see any potential for drama and “run for the hills”. Everyone is looking for “red-flags” and when you first start out and haven’t put much time into a person it’s easy to just “eject eject eject”. You’re in a catch-22 because if you say something that is a problem and if you wait to stay something that can also be seen as a problem. Honestly I do not see why that should be apart of the first conversation. I would focus more on the “now” of that moment and leave that conversation for when this are moving forward (or at least a couple of dates in). The reality is on an initial meet if someone was willing to sign up for the potential trauma you’re going through that’s kind of a red-flag of it’s own. Or if the question is asked just say something like, “It was a crazy divorce and the kids live with their dad now.” You could turn it around and if they ask further say, “The kids needed a break from the chaos and the best solution at the time was this.” Or something like that. All of those conversations are difficult and again on a first date I’m not sure someone is owed that much detail into your personal life.
Have u ever considered making a video about dating someone w a narc ex. My ex is a covert narc but i can have no contact n im fine. My new guys ex wife is the worst covert narc ever. She wont leave him alone. He tries n it doesnt matter..he can be happy she will go to the length of threatening him w a lawyer over ridiculous power plays that dont make sense....if i dont hide in a corner from their kids and her she starts to lash out n badmouth me. Her kids found pictures on her tablet of me n them at public places...so she was spying on us and taking pics which really creeps me out. When her kids come to me for help w things then ask me to be their mom i want to run n hide. It pisses her off i can make her family happy when she cant n im scared literally to what she will do. My ex had me walking on eggshells never knowing but that was my relationship my triggers my no contact to achieve. No one told me id be dealing w another one that ive never known trying their best to badmouth me n destroy my mans life n be so nasty.
Actually I have and I've even done a couple of videos my with LTR where we talk about the complexities of this and how difficult it has been on her (well and us). The sad reality is someone opting in doesn't really understand what they are signing up for and a lot of people can't handle it. Because of this, in my personal situation, we’ve taken things REALLY slow. We don’t live together and we understand that any time we have a special event/time with the kids there will be consequences. I think had we moved in together or got married it would have made the relationship and situation VERY complicated and could have potentially destroyed the relationship. So it is extremely difficult. Early on there was a time where the kids were “happy” to have a stable woman around but the ex quickly destroyed that and strained everything - so I can definitely relate to what you’re talking about.
I broke no contact three separate times last month and still havent forgoven myself. I got wrapped back up in arguing in circles because i didnt want to be a villian in his story. How do i forgive myself?
What does putting in the work look like? My ex might have been a narcissist, definitely hard-core dismissive avoidant. I’ve been in no contact for two years and I still ruminate and hurt a lot over her. I could really use some help
That’s a great question. It means putting in the work to confront the issues that go you to this point. This typically means peeling back all the issues and trauma that you’ve been through. That can be VERY difficult. At the same time you have to work on rebuilding (or building) your own personal boundaries so that you value yourself more than being with someone. This then leads into become comfortable being by yourself. Then next part is dealing with the rumination and hurt over the loss/illusion of the relationship and the future you expect. For me this was (and I hate to say it) a LOT of therapy with a trauma therapist. We tried different things to include EMDR. From there I also did hypnosis files (I couldn’t find a local person in my area) that helped with the trauma bonding, letting go, and processing the unreciprocated emotions (from the ex). This was an iterative process that (unfortunately) took a couple of years and some pretty dark times. BUT on the other side of this the residual feelings and emotions AND the PTSD have subsided and what remains is easily managed. No contact is a part of all of this but without all of the other work you will be like what you’re saying, still stuck in that phase. It’s painful to work through all of this stuff BUT the payoff is worth it. If you don’t have anyone directly to worth with I do offer coaching. But a lot of what I mentioned is in my “Mindset for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery” playlist that is on my main channel page on the RUclips channel.
@@DSD I really cannot thank you enough for taking the time you did to respond so thoroughly. I don’t even know what to say. It’s suffocating to think I’m going to feel this for more than likely years to follow. I have never been so hurt, lost, and terrified in my whole life. I don’t know how I got to this point. I’m a 28 year old marine infantry veteran, I’ve had a lot of shit happen to me and lost a lot of people. But THIS is what’s defeated me!? I’m so mad with myself, I saw all of the red flags and knew I would get hurt in the beginning. But I didn’t know people existed that could just throw you away, internally put you on a shelf, and then never think another thought about it again. I feel like regardless of what work I put into this, with how I’m feeling and so dysfunctional, I will suffer from this for life. I would love to have a session with you, if you could give me your availability and how to connect I would be greatful. I’ve listened to your video on repeat, and it helped me a bit.
Thank you again,
Devon
Well let me tell you this Devon…. The part where you say, “ I feel like regardless of what work I put into this, with how I’m feeling and so dysfunctional, I will suffer from this for life” is EXACTLY how I felt and it was devastating. Even as I started to have little “micro” improvement I felt as though I would ALWAYS suffer with the pain. In some ways I used to think, “This will be like losing a limb, but people learn to deal with it.” So the level of success and recovery I’ve experience I NEVER thought was achievable. This is why I say I’m grateful for this nightmare of an experience because I would have NEVER achieved this level of peace that I have today. So hang in there man you’re working through this and it’s a long process BUT there is healing on the other side of this. I have my availability and details on my website, www.dadsurvivingdivorce.com/coaching
Thank you so much Dwayne.. that really means a lot to me hearing you say that. Because that’s EXACTLY how I feel. I have very micro improvements here and there, but haven’t really seen the needle move much. Hearing you say that’s how you felt, and the level of peace you’re at now gives me hope. That’s all I’m trying to find, is my piece again.. thanks man, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I will definitely be looking into setting something up with you!
The interesting thing about this is they follow patterns and so do we. That is why so many of us can relate to each others stories because our "path" through it is VERY similar. Obviously all of our stories are unique BUT there are a lot of commonalities between them and we all tend to recover in a VERY similar way. The good thing about that is there is a pathway through this and you can start to see/hear success stories of others who have made it! Hang in there man!