I am in no contact. Not because I want her back. But because I want me back. I know she doesnt want me back. These videos helps me cope with the pain. Thank you
Very well said. I wish you the best. However, the idea is that no contact might make your ex want to come back, so that's something to think about, if you want it. Good luck. Sincerely.
She called after more than 9 months of no contact! To ask some lame question about a vitamin supplement! Lol I was courteous and friendly although I don’t feel the same as when the breakup first happened! When you stay present in your world working on yourself, it can travel and be perceived as strength, they can sense it!
Honestly, there's a lot of rubbish online today when it comes to relationships, but man, Coach Ken, you're beacon of realism, kindness and sensitivity - bundled in really thoughtful package. Thank you for all you do!
I agree. Some actually quite creepy and I don’t know why that helps with the business plan. After listening to this one a few times I went thru my list and deleted 3-5. I love the facts here and not just saying “she will Hoover”. You explained why.
it was worst 35 years ago in 1988 the hurting man was treated like a predator or was told to make it work at all costs which often brought destruction to the man. they also used religion to tell men the bible tells them to do this or do that. things were way worse before the information age.
The worship isn't a bad thing, unless it's true, that the person has values empathy and is like a source of inspiration for the partner, or family members. For example may have the talent to say interesting things in a poetic way as musicians do or authors, and poets do. which boosts the imagination of people in a positive way, like seeing good stuff about life or about art etc. But maybe the best way is to show empathy as well and good energy and gratitude in modest way.
I’ll always care about her and I actually wish her the very best in life but I wish me the very best in life also. I’m grateful for the lessons and the time I’ve had alone to self reflect. I’m better today than I was yesterday.
I was on day 32, but I just broke no contact. I found out that the woman I love’s mom just died. I reached out with a message of sympathy. I get what C. Lee and Ken are saying about NC, but I had to express myself and acknowledge her pain and sorrow over losing her mom. It’s not about me at all in that moment, at least that’s how i see it. 😢
Dude I'm glad I found this video. My ex and I broke up over her shit testing me and I got fed up, so she ended it 3 months ago. I chased her until I invited her to a concert and she told me that she was gonna be out of town. The very next day, she was at work . I felt like a damn fool and went NC and made this list of things that she did to annoy me. I'm feeling a lot better about myself and stopped beating myself up. Walking away is the best start to healing.
Have made the, "put on a pedestal/worship" mistake twice in my adult life; never even got to relationship stage and still ended up heart broken. Am disabled, so I think that's what set me up for this mistake. Dark limerence is a real thing. Truly, NO ONE is perfect!
Amen! Funny thing is one powerful aspect of attraction is KNOWING you have a purpose and meaning beyond that other person. We're built for relationships, so it is normal to feel a sense of something missing when we aren't with someone sharing our lives (unless pain, fear or narcissism makes us WANT to be alone) - but being wired for relationship doesn't mean that ONE person can or should be our foundational source of purpose. Something more worthy of our lives has to be there. A Passion or Purpose or a Calling that's even greater than who we are is the best foundation. I love my wife very very much. I love my kids and my parents and my sister and my brother with all my heart - BUT none of them are the PURPOSE of my life - I believe in God and from long personal and even painful experience I've learned if I put me or anything above Him it always breaks in the end. No human being is capable of being the purpose of another human beings life - that's worship, and as flattering as it might sound, being worshipped isn't an attraction builder as much as its an ego stroke to the person who will then devalue you for placing them so high above you. (Sorry if I rambled a bit here)
@@CoachKen no need to apologize for rambling, needed to be reminded of all of this. Hard to zero in on what your purpose is when you have significant mobility issues, but obviously, I know I have a purpose (maybe more than one:) So easy to forget what your spiritual foundation is when you get caught up in your emotions. I think I might be one of those people you mentioned who are above average in intelligence (intellectually), but lack emotional intelligence. I tend to think in extremes in EI, if that makes sense. Not everything is EITHER/OR. There can be a lot of GRAY areas when it comes to sorting out feelings. Thanks again for your wisdom!
Yes I have put her on a pedestal, and actually she broke up with me for reasons I have never heard her communicate during the relationship, just random things like "you are not a leader to me". I think she has BPD , but still I loved her so deeply anyway, I swear everytime I see her there's an artery in my heart that shakes. I have put her on a pedestal for too long, and All i got from her is disrespect and a total negligence of my feelings. Imagine that she found someone else so quickly, I wanted closure so I told her to come visit me in my house, and I was thinking maybe I can change her mind, but she informs me that she's with someone else and it was 2 days after my breakup. She ended things with me said she's sorry but doesn't see a future. After our breakup conversation, she slept in the room next to me and called her new boyfriend in my own house. The next day, I kicked her out of my house, and I told her that she shouldn't have come if she's with someone else that quickly. I was shocked and hurt, her total disregard for what I felt for her was shocking
It’s been months of no contact after he kicked me out. But now looking into applying for mortgages which I’ve gotten approved for and just waiting on God to open doors.
Its crazy how i am reading all these comments from you guys who are hurting right now. I was the same! I went though a long 2 years of constant pain! A messy and very prolonged detachment process. I can tell you all right now, you will get over it, in time! And if your ex did you wrong! I promise, they always end up worse off. I dont say that to wish any harm on your person, it happemd to my ex and now i just hope shes ok. As it stands, i have zero attraction for her now, and thats crazy because she ruled my mind for so long. Stay up! You have to go through this pain right now. Its necessary.
Coach Ken is HANDS DOWN the best. I did a coaching call with him, and we’re still working on getting my ex back--but he is helping me SO MUCH! 1000% recommend!
Not here to win my ex back. He wants me back and I know I could easily get him back but I don't want the relationship anymore. I'm actually here to not give in to that grief and withdrawal. I don't want an addiction to this person to cause me to settle for a relationship I don't want. Your channel is very helpful. Thank you
After 5 months into the relationship,she left me cuz she holds grudges and she said that we’re incompatible which doesn’t make sense, it’s about respecting each other’s differences. Right now I’m going no contact to heal wish me luck people
I just got broken up with after 5 months too. We knew about eachothers pasts and I did so much to respect her past and her issues. I have some issues as well and sometimes like to check in to make sure nothing is wrong when I tend to over think. Well I asked if anything was wrong and it blew up. She ended it then and there. She said we were not a match. Which made no sense. Any time we were physically together, even multiple days in a row, there was NO ISSUES. Nothing, not even a tiny disagreement. We got along so damn well and felt so happy. Then poof. It was like I was less than nothing. She went NC with me last week. I am sure I have lost any chance of getting her to come around. But I am just going to have to force myself to stay NC as well. This is rough.
Same here. We are a great team but as soon as she sees something that isn't perfect to her then we're "incompatible" I helped her start getting her life on track, she had dozens of horrid partners and would throw it in my face how they were better than me to hurt me deep.
I really believe that me and my wife are in a spiritual purification and when you said worship…my mouth dropped. God wants me to worship him and love her. Made so much sense to me thank you
I was with her for 5 years. She left over a year ago and while ive been on self improvement and made significant progress financially and physically...im still in this dark stage.....over a year ago.
I lost my Erin...6 months ago. The breakup happened 8 weeks ago...she was into a rebound relationship the day she dumped me. Need to tell you...she made the decision but didn't tell me straight away. I found her and him in my bed... I have been idolising her...this video has made me realise that...I still have a lot of challenges ahead...but thank you for what's left of my dignity
From a man who's been through a massive painful divorce and a couple of break ups this video is bang on the money , and I actually feel like I am normal and they weren't special. My pain is on me and for me to deal with. NC protect yourselves at all times.
I saw it in her eyes when she kissed me goodbye without words.I am in that exact situation. Always feeling things more then normal. Now in No contact for 8 weeks it almost drove me nuts. The pain was unbearable. Your video gave me some clearance and perspective. I really worshipped her although i didnt realized it. But then it is my fault eventually? I drove her away i saw it in her eyes when she kist me goodbye, there was pain. Thank you for this video. I wish anyone in this same situation all the strength en power to pull true. Remember 1 day..... 1 day it will be ours again. That joy in life god has for us.
This is a very good video. My relationship ended 3,5 months ago. It had only lasted 5 months and was pure limerence. One evening I asked her if everything was okay and she said that she had been feeling less in love with me as of late. So I calmly but immediately packed my stuff and left her, without a sad and pointless breakup conversation (keeping my pride and hoping she would miss me). I went into no contact pretty soon after that. I never begged, but I did measure the temperature a few times in the first week after the breakup. Since then, I stuck wth no contact, even though I've been missing her like hell for the last three months. It's insane how much I think of her even though I'm trying not to. I've lost all hope by now, which is a good thing, and now I'm starting to understand that even if we would get back together, I would probably be paranoid and expecting her to lose her feelings for me again. And I would never want to feel like that in a relationship, not for myself and not for her. So that's a thought that's sort of sobering me up these days. But yeah, I've definetly been going through 'dark limerence' for quite a while now. And it sucks!!! I wish I just had some more shallow feelings, that would make life a lot easier.
Oh wouldn't it be nice to be shallow???? It's little comfort right now, but we are better, kinder people for not being shallow. But it's nice to fantasize about waking one morning and not having any feelings for the lost love....
Thank you I actually did get back with my EX, BUT things didn’t change, He wanted FWB um jo thank you!!!! I’m back to no contact maybe forever we are t in the same page. He won’t take any responsibility so I’m done!
In this time we will be getting swole, finding ourselves again, getting back into hobbies, cleaning ourselves up and being better as a whole and if they don’t come back you’ll thank yourself for doing it anyways.
This is the best advice. Remind yourself of how human they are. Make a list of the red flags. Write down their flaws and cruelties. A healthy and reasonable view of them. Thanks. I’m doing this tonight. 3 weeks after the breakup. Still hurting but in no contact.
My ex with a very bad mental health reached out to me via email finally opening up to me about everything. I gave her a proper apology for what I believed I did wrong. She responded with anger to many of my apologies but I am not feeding into it anymore. I also had a different ex contact me. She has been going to therapy for 2 years. She apologized to me for being unwilling to admit she is wrong. She apologized for not caring about my perspective and for being anxious and assuming the worst. I also apologized to her for what i did wrong. Many of my actions brought out her anxious style of attachment. Not going to lie.... I thought women were not capable of apologizing properly but all it takes is 2 years of no contact/therapy. 😂 Shes going to come over within the week. I'm very happy.
He ended our relationship 6 weeks ago. I've been in NC. Dated 14 months. Had a great relationship. Things did become routine. Looking back now, I see he pocketed me. The only people on his side that knew about me was his mother. We did not have any arguments or bad blood between us. I'm angry because I was giving so much to the relationship and I see he was not. I was never needy or clingy. He had his life and I had mine. He knew how hurt I was about how a precious ex ended our relationship and ended our the same way and makes me so angry. Some days it take everything to keep from calling him and telling him off. If anyone should have lost attraction, it should have been me. Somehow, I still miss him. Either way, I know to stay in NC. I know going off on him will only be temporary relief.
This is exactly what I’m going through right now and the pain is unbearable. I can’t move and my heart literally hurts so bad I thought I was dying. I can’t stop thinking about her and I found out she moved on so fast I’m not even an afterthought.. i pray to god every day to help me through this and I don’t wish this on anyone. I was so happy and healthy before I met her and I just want myself back but I’m so broken.
I totally understand the place you were in and I’m I’m there now and been in no contact for 10 weeks and it’s honestly killing me and I’m in a permenant state of despair😢 Although I still want her back she also destroyed me quietly and affected my mental health. I hope you are in a better place now though and have found a happier place
You did good by becoming a coach . You are balm for the soul . You really make me understand and come to my senses and be strong, patient , even feel really good and free. Thank you❤
I been married to my ex wife for 20 years. We raised 5 kids together. We had non together. She sent me a text 4 days ago telling me we need time apart for awhile. She said she loves me but not in love with me but she cares but enough i guess. I cant imagine starting a new life with someone at 50. I cry every day for her everday. She is a narcissistic i think after watching some of these videos.
THIS!!!!!!! It was a lightbulb moment of someone perfectly describing my thoughts. I have literally spent a month self flagellating and taking all of his bullets of how much i neglected him (whilst he bad mouths me to his emotional AP) and yet he's been emotionally neglectful of me for years!!!!!
I actually did that method of writing the things I didn’t like about him about 2 months ago and it really does help with detaching. I’m still working on it though but it has helped be to get back to reality when I tend to get in my feels again. You will soon realize that the perfect person who you though he/she is, was just an imagination that you created in your head because you wanted it to work. You just have to let your feelings feel through and focus on why you’re feeling a certain about their being as a whole.
I broke nc after 11 days now back on day 10 and feeling great! Yes I miss them. But I’ve apologized for over stepping boundaries & now i have been focusing on me and actually doing great at it. Even entertaining other people!
I did the same, broke the nc on the 7th day, didnt get a response and he didn't even bother to read it,so I'm now back on 8th day. I still miss them, but it's not too painful now.
Literally the first time I've heard my feelings perfectly described!! And finally a different perspective and advice!! Let me go write my list. I had a list of things he did and I thought it made me more sad and I threw it away but looking back to that time, I actually was better than I am now with my heartbreak. Thanks so much. Yes I want him back, yes I've worked on myself so much but yes, I want to stop feeling this emotional pain I feel I'm causing myself. ❤️ Thank you for this!!!!
Wish I had known about this BEFORE I wrote the letter. Now I don't know if I have a chance. It is very complicated because he already posted " in a relationship" and is my neighbor with cattle on my farm. We have known each other for over 40yrs together for 7. He broke up with me 2 x previously very early when we dating came back the first time and I had a "talk" with him the second time and now is 7yrs later Help
"People don't want to risk feeling less hurt because they think all that hurt is keeping me connected." That is deep. And pretty much describes most breakups. I'm on here for my daughter who is going through stuff. She's much stronger than I ever was. She's doing no contact with a long-distance ex that went right into a relationship with someone who is not on her level.
I’ve watched hundreds of videos on the relationship/no contact subject, and I can tell you with all certainty, coach Ken is one of the best, if not the best. He delivers precise information with deep knowledge. I’m grateful for your work coach. Saving lives I can tell you. Thanks
Perfectly explained the situation. I feel things intensely and even though he sabotaged the connection, I looked back and blamed myself. Trying to stay away as much as I can and iterating the imperfections to gain myself back…
I don’t want to love him and I want the pain to go away. This video helped. I’ve made lists of all the ways they hurt me so I can stop idealizing them and it helps. In fact, for the first time in 3 years, I started actually feeling some relief that I don’t have to deal with the way they treated me anymore.
She's been gone for three years and I'm still having problems letting go. I have seen countles videos on the subject. This was the most practical and helpful . Having is not so great a thing as wanting. Mr. Spock said that in the episode "Amok Time" The reality is that we weren't good for each other. Thanks for your logic
You 100% described me. I have high anxiety and possible adhd I have the worst case of dark limerance. I fall into baddddd anxiety 😢. It takes me a long time to fall out of this.
Admit the truth about that person to yourself. It will set you free if you keep admitting the truth about the person & if you really think of it, you probably didn’t like many IMPORTANT, things about the person… pros and cons list, admit the truth to yourself & remember, it’s not you. You are worthy to a prism who is worthy of you.
Wow best advice ever, I never heard of dark limerence, it makes so much sense. I've had 2 months of this pain and its really ruining my life because I'm so sensitive, so from today I'm writing my list. Thank you so much Coach Ken and coach Lee. You guys are brilliant.
Hello. I want to start by saying, your videos really help me. I was in a friendship with someone, but we did everything a couple would do. Recently she told me "I value our friendship, but my life has been taken in a different direction" We were constantly in contact. Constantly around each other. Before she broke things off, my messages kinda took a very long for a response. And the phone calls stopped. She said she needed space. I gave her two weeks, then contacted her. She answered. She even texted a little bit. Then hit me with the final message. That she needs the space for personal growth. I haven't seen her in over a month. I think about her day in and day out. I'm not even sure I miss her. I just miss the way she made me feel. I'm doing everything I can to move on from her. I deleted her cell, and all her social media. I don't only remember the good times. She definitely had her non positive moments. I wish I never contacted her after those two weeks. I feel it made things worse. Sorry about this long comment. Just needed to vent..
So so true. Right on I especially resonated when he said that you know if you really move on you will never take him back. But you aren’t ready for that, so you hold on. For a while. That’s where I’m at right now. But the more I look at what really happened between us, the more I realize I really don’t want more of that
when you "move on" you reached the point where you know this person is dragging you down and demoralizing you and has no concern for you. at that point you know this person needs to be out of your life completely. i disagree with the idea once you move on you can make a choice to bring this person back into your life or not as they have already proven to not be good for you.
Coach Ken is brilliant! I think I'm going to book a call. I feel like my situation is confusing. She truly did NOTHING wrong. She was only kind, gentle, creative (artist and crafter and amazing cook) giving, and waited 4 years for ME. I was addicted (only have 23 days clean as of this post and am attending NA regularly) and probably fearful avoidant. Love-Push-Pull has been my pattern all my life, and when they finally leave "for reals" the pain is unbearable. I am not, and never have been abusive, not a cheater, and we've had incredible experiences together and a lot of love. NOW I'm 60 A fit, athletic 60 but still 60. She was the best I've ever had. Like Ken is saying, I feel like she kind of honored me TOO MUCH, and didn't need to. I honored her and encouraged her too - with her health and fitness, and to take up her watercolor painting again for example. She implicitly initiated no contact 25 days ago and I feel like I'm dying inside. She stopped following and liking my uploads on Strava (bike rides, walks, workouts, etc). I'm still following her and have her favorited but an afraid to like any of her activities, as she could block me. I don't want her to block me. I do need to stop looking at her Facebook. It's hard! But it actually makes me feel worse. I'm glad Zuckerberg designed Facebook so it is not possible to see who's looking at your profile. Although it did cross my mind that she's probably excluded me from seeing her posts, or some of them. I miss her terribly. I feel like she's THE only person on this planet that can take away my pain, and she fkng won't do it! I was also layed off my job 3 months ago and haven't taken anything yet - but I'm only semi-functional right now. Some days are better. Today, weirdly, has been the worst since day 1. And I wonder if I'm being vilified too - like I'm a horrible person. I'm not! I'm really fkn tired and spent.
25 is still early - Hang strong brother! Looking forward to talking with you if we get the chance. The anxiety/hurt waves will come and fade with surprising strength and unpredictable patterns. Just let yourself feel it - don't fight it or trust what the pain tells you.
OMG... First video of yours I've watched... I've NEVER heard of dark limerance before... I have BPD (13 years of intense therapy and medications...so far so good) and you've just nailed it. Wow. Thank you for helping me understand this! I'm quite aware of myself 90% of the time these days, but OMG I really relate to this 🙏
Yes, the pain is emense, and allow yourself to feel all the feelings of grief. After that, believe me, you will be stronger. It takes a brave person to allow those feelings to flow. Do not suppress them. I promise you will come out stronger! Check in to therapy. Listen to love & healing affirmations when you start feeling down.
Well, after a 23 year relationship that broke up five days ago... I didn't do this specific exercise, but I did start writing in a journal and yeah it has helped me immensely. So much crap that I remember putting up with is now flowing out of me through that pen and every time I have another realization about her I am reminded why I need to move forward, at least for one more day if not more.
@@timochi7363 Yes, and actually longer than that because we became friends in the 3rd or 2nd grade of elementary school, though we didn't start dating until junior year of high school and up until now we had been living together ever since, even through last year of college. Basically since 1999.
@JMulvy i salute you sir.. i just break up after 4 years.. i just cant imagine what you been through breakin up after 23 years.. i hope you doin well and keep the journaling sir..
@@timochi7363 Doin better now, thx for askin. Today is day 1 of week 3 since the break up and the 1st day I did not cry over her. Sadly, it is only week one of consistent No Contact. She made it easy for me though by blocking me on everything imaginable, so I don't necessarily need self-control myself. 😁
@JMulvy sorry to hear that.. sir, i dont know if it works for you.. i try no contact and mute / block her also. To keep me sane and i tell myself that im doin this for her.. it would make her happier.. maybe let go is true the highest form of love.. its hard.. so hard.. but this the only thing i think i can do
This is fantastic Ken, puts a lot in perspective and it’s all so true. Sometimes when you’re knee deep in the situation, you can see the forest for the trees.
I’m doing my best I just started my second business since we broke up. I’m on vacation trying to be as “happy” as possible but I have to be honest this sucks! But gotta keep it moving
I’m in 6 days now if breakup I’ve totally lost all focus he blocked me everywhere. I’m also doing online business started aweel ago but I’m not fully 100% focused even at work . I feel so terrible like dying everyday
Thanks for this. We broke up three months ago, but found myself always breaking NC after a few weeks every single time. I'm trying this writing down what she did so I am more realistic, stop idolizing her and putting her on a pedestal... I've probably shot down all my chances with this chasing, this hyperfixation is something I need to solve - if not to get back together, at least to heal....
@@CoachKen but even if you remained in contactfor four months? She was diagnosed with an illness and was undergoing a lot of tests for her condition. There was also the possibility that she might have to undergo spinal surgery. So every few weeks I would check in on her to see if there was any update because apart from genuinely caring, considering the situation I thought if I didn't check her that would make things worse. But at least this week she received the final diagnosis and she will avoid the surgery. So now I can actually start nc guilt-free. But yeah, these four months might have hurt my chances a lot...
This is exactly what I needed to hear. I have made my list. I am more than able to take fault in previous relationships where I know I contributed to their demise. But this one was different. The relationship failure was his doing. He was putting no effort in. I think he wanted the feeling of having someone until he didnt. He was divorced 2 years prior and in don't believe he was over that.
Weird/perfect timing for me, but I’ve been creating a mental list & reminding myself of the negatives for these exact reasons recently. More so when I miss her obviously. Hope this video blows up if only to reach & help others. Still not easy, but great video!
Never heard of dark limmerance before but you are so right. I’m adhd and stuck in trauma mode from going through a lot of trauma over the past few years. I broke up with him but didn’t try to work it out and regretted it within a day or two. Now I want to try to work it out because there are so many good things about us. But I have to keep telling myself there’s a reason I broke up with him in the first place…but then he said he was through. (I probably traumatized him with an out of the blue break up) think the best thing to do will be no contact for a month or two then try to hang out slowly in a friendly way and see how I feel and how he feels.
Oh my god I've been spinning for about 2 weeks, trying to get back together with my ex and man this video just sent me straight, I've been looking at this situation completely wrong and this video was extremely helpful
Usually, the hidden, unspoken things talked about that people do, I'll say, "Yep, that's me." However, I ABSOLUTELY want to get through this pain, find my self worth (that I've honestly NEVER experienced), and I KNOW this would help either allow them to see me in a different light or perhaps help me to move on. I'm a dweller, and I try VERY hard to distract myself, but I just can't. It just won't go away. I'm my defense, it has only been since May 15. But it's every second I'm awake.
This video definitely helped. Currently going thru a breakup w a man I’ve been with for 5 years 1 kid together. Still live together. I was texting another man and truly regret ever talking to someone else. I want my ex back so bad but I don’t want to keep looking desperate bc I am a catch and he’s the one who messed up by pushing me to feel that void I was missing. Truly hope we can reconnect and come back together but I can’t keep holding on to the hope bc it might not ever happen 😔
this helped me. I've been stuck in a spot of dark limerence and refusing to stop idealizing. I've been self flagellating and blaming myself for everything. I was the one to initiate the divorce because of unhappy I was in the marriage. I overreacted and want to try to work on the marriage and now she doesn't, and has moved on to a new relationship. But there are plenty of reasons I wanted to be done with the relationship. I need to keep that in mind and stop making excuses for her. My problem is that she is bipolar and untreated, and my brain finds it very easy to blame everything on that because things went to shit when she stopped taking her medication and have progressively become worse. It just winds up being such an easy thing to point to and makes it easy to idealize the person I proposed to.
Thanks coach. Appreciate what you do. I’m still struggling with my borderline ex who I escaped from, she hoovered - discarded then got into a new relationship with the first guy who came along for ‘survival’ 7 days after. I’d appreciate a video on borderlines and how they leave you locked in their psychological prison.
@@CoachKen coach, You really are gifted at counselling. I know you’ve been through this BPD pain too and like me you tried to do the right thing by them always. Thanks brother
Too much sperm under the bridge you’ve heard the saying too much water under the bridge. Once they leave you and they spread their legs for another man don’t you dare ever take her back she’s been soiled she is not worthy of you. You are so far above her, forget about her even if you have to tell yourself that she was killed in a car accident you had a funeral for her don’t you ever dare go back to her. Be a man of man keep your chin up and walk forward, put her behind you never ever do you swallow that Kind of disrespect. There’s a gorgeous, beautiful woman out there waiting for you right now you just haven’t met her. And the older you get the more women there are because of divorce, widows and men that are impotent there are so many women out there. Don’t you dare swallow, a woman spreading her legs for another man that is the weakest form of man. You are above them better than that or you wouldn’t of wrote and put your heart and soul on the line to comment on this public forum. Sometimes it’s easier said than done but have strength and have faith.
I’ve been in this situation before where I cannot accept and im in pain emotionally after my fiancé dump me, It’s weird but this one helps me, What I did is I put all the list of my ex’s negative behaviours during our relationship and i make it as a wallpaper in my phone, whenever I think about him, i just read it and that’s enough reason why its best that we separated.
This video was so helpful to me. More than any other advice have gotten about this excruciating break up. Not completely out of pain and torment completely but getting there. Especially appreciated the explanation of the flip side of blissful vs dark limerance. Most enlightening and helpful. Thank you for this.
I can't believe so many people are going through so much pain! :(( i feel all of you, i hope you succeed in getting through this, in the mean time let me just restart my breathing again cos my lungs are stopping every half hour.
Deep breath - it usually hits good people with strong hearts and minds the hardest. It'll feel hopeless - don't trust how it feels but don't fight or resist feeling it.
The beginning of this vid was funny and for real the Lord is using you … your analogies really hit spot on in making these concepts tangible in the period of temptation
Hey Ken, I wish you would do a video about addiction and sobriety after a breakup. I’m now 3 months sober. I’m responsible for the breakup. I’ve taking inventory of myself and now living a much healthier life. I’ve been in no contact for a little over 2 months after a week of the breakup.
Your videos are excellent Ken. I love the delivery. I believe you care. I’ve been trying to understand my relationship with my wife. I believe BPD is a major factor in her. It’s helped me understand how her operating system is so much different than someone with secure attachment style. The normal advice on dealing with marriage issues (showing love, patience, kindness, gentleness) even in a “masculine” manner did not work. It would only seem to make things worse. It was only when I told her I was ready to end the marriage that my marriage made a sudden turn for the better that had not happened in over twelve years of marriage. BPD is definitely is a factor in the women in her family. Your videos have been GOLD man.
Thank you for this. I am in the middle of an ugly divorce, and custody battle for my young kids. My husband left me for a younger girl and it was only when he told me that he is leaving me, that I found out that he had been having an affair with her for 3 years! All the lies, betrayal, deceit, emotional abuse, gaslighting. it's too much and I am completely heartbroken and hurt, and I am looking for effective ways to cope and to get through this. I will try what you suggested, and I do hope it can help. Thank you.
I’ve been in this situation before where I cannot accept and im in pain emotionally after my fiancé dump me, It’s weird but this one helps me, What I did is I put all the list of my ex’s negative behaviours during our relationship and i make it as a wallpaper in my phone, whenever I think about him, i just read it and that’s enough reason why its best that we separated.
Good words I needed to hear. I thought not thinking about him would heal me sooner. Not necessarily true. You need to process everything and that takes as long as it takes.
Our son went no contact as soon as he got married. We tried to talk but are only allowed to talk to her and she is aggressive so we just stopped trying. He's not a child ..it's so weird so I am grateful that I saw this. Thank you.
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
New site is now at realcoachken.com if I can be of any help
He must have laughing at me
I want me back now
Not him
He watched me died
Until Jehovah God brought me to my senses
I am in no contact. Not because I want her back. But because I want me back. I know she doesnt want me back. These videos helps me cope with the pain. Thank you
Hang in there bro
@@mikeypiezzoI will see this through. Thank you brother. 🤝
Your legend and trust me you will never be same again 🎉
Very well said. I wish you the best. However, the idea is that no contact might make your ex want to come back, so that's something to think about, if you want it. Good luck. Sincerely.
@@Mileys_choice ❤️
I think this is sad that there are so many of us hurting. Need a group chat lol You are not alone.....
I think it’s so sad too. I’m grateful for these videos and for everyone’s comments🩷🩷
It is a rollercoaster through hells depths
Thank you for that
She called after more than 9 months of no contact! To ask some lame question about a vitamin supplement! Lol
I was courteous and friendly although I don’t feel the same as when the breakup first happened!
When you stay present in your world working on yourself, it can travel and be perceived as strength, they can sense it!
Amen - it's a real thing!
Listen to this guy over and over again if your going over a break up. Best advice out their so far.
Honestly, there's a lot of rubbish online today when it comes to relationships, but man, Coach Ken, you're beacon of realism, kindness and sensitivity - bundled in really thoughtful package. Thank you for all you do!
Thanks for the kind words Declan!
I agree. Some actually quite creepy and I don’t know why that helps with the business plan. After listening to this one a few times I went thru my list and deleted 3-5. I love the facts here and not just saying “she will Hoover”. You explained why.
Do a long distance relationship NC video.
it was worst 35 years ago in 1988 the hurting man was treated like a predator or was told to make it work at all costs which often brought destruction to the man. they also used religion to tell men the bible tells them to do this or do that. things were way worse before the information age.
The worship isn't a bad thing, unless it's true, that the person has values empathy and is like a source of inspiration for the partner, or family members.
For example may have the talent to say interesting things in a poetic way as musicians do or authors, and poets do.
which boosts the imagination of people in a positive way, like seeing good stuff about life or about art etc.
But maybe the best way is to show empathy as well and good energy and gratitude in modest way.
I’ll always care about her and I actually wish her the very best in life but I wish me the very best in life also. I’m grateful for the lessons and the time I’ve had alone to self reflect. I’m better today than I was yesterday.
❤
I was on day 32, but I just broke no contact. I found out that the woman I love’s mom just died. I reached out with a message of sympathy. I get what C. Lee and Ken are saying about NC, but I had to express myself and acknowledge her pain and sorrow over losing her mom. It’s not about me at all in that moment, at least that’s how i see it. 😢
Great! You are right! Nice hearth!
Good for you. It’s okay to break no-contact when it comes to those sort of things.
@@zandercook1494 …thank you, friend!
Any new updates?
If she doesn't take you back after that gesture, than she doesn't deserve you
Dude I'm glad I found this video. My ex and I broke up over her shit testing me and I got fed up, so she ended it 3 months ago. I chased her until I invited her to a concert and she told me that she was gonna be out of town. The very next day, she was at work . I felt like a damn fool and went NC and made this list of things that she did to annoy me. I'm feeling a lot better about myself and stopped beating myself up. Walking away is the best start to healing.
Have made the, "put on a pedestal/worship" mistake twice in my adult life; never even got to relationship stage and still ended up heart broken. Am disabled, so I think that's what set me up for this mistake. Dark limerence is a real thing. Truly, NO ONE is perfect!
Amen! Funny thing is one powerful aspect of attraction is KNOWING you have a purpose and meaning beyond that other person. We're built for relationships, so it is normal to feel a sense of something missing when we aren't with someone sharing our lives (unless pain, fear or narcissism makes us WANT to be alone) - but being wired for relationship doesn't mean that ONE person can or should be our foundational source of purpose. Something more worthy of our lives has to be there. A Passion or Purpose or a Calling that's even greater than who we are is the best foundation. I love my wife very very much. I love my kids and my parents and my sister and my brother with all my heart - BUT none of them are the PURPOSE of my life - I believe in God and from long personal and even painful experience I've learned if I put me or anything above Him it always breaks in the end. No human being is capable of being the purpose of another human beings life - that's worship, and as flattering as it might sound, being worshipped isn't an attraction builder as much as its an ego stroke to the person who will then devalue you for placing them so high above you. (Sorry if I rambled a bit here)
@@CoachKen no need to apologize for rambling, needed to be reminded of all of this. Hard to zero in on what your purpose is when you have significant mobility issues, but obviously, I know I have a purpose (maybe more than one:) So easy to forget what your spiritual foundation is when you get caught up in your emotions. I think I might be one of those people you mentioned who are above average in intelligence (intellectually), but lack emotional intelligence. I tend to think in extremes in EI, if that makes sense. Not everything is EITHER/OR. There can be a lot of GRAY areas when it comes to sorting out feelings. Thanks again for your wisdom!
Yes I have put her on a pedestal, and actually she broke up with me for reasons I have never heard her communicate during the relationship, just random things like "you are not a leader to me". I think she has BPD , but still I loved her so deeply anyway, I swear everytime I see her there's an artery in my heart that shakes. I have put her on a pedestal for too long, and All i got from her is disrespect and a total negligence of my feelings. Imagine that she found someone else so quickly, I wanted closure so I told her to come visit me in my house, and I was thinking maybe I can change her mind, but she informs me that she's with someone else and it was 2 days after my breakup. She ended things with me said she's sorry but doesn't see a future. After our breakup conversation, she slept in the room next to me and called her new boyfriend in my own house. The next day, I kicked her out of my house, and I told her that she shouldn't have come if she's with someone else that quickly. I was shocked and hurt, her total disregard for what I felt for her was shocking
It’s been months of no contact after he kicked me out. But now looking into applying for mortgages which I’ve gotten approved for and just waiting on God to open doors.
Any update? Cheering for you and living that same goal.
@@darxoxo7005 no update never spoke again
Its crazy how i am reading all these comments from you guys who are hurting right now.
I was the same! I went though a long 2 years of constant pain! A messy and very prolonged detachment process.
I can tell you all right now, you will get over it, in time!
And if your ex did you wrong! I promise, they always end up worse off.
I dont say that to wish any harm on your person, it happemd to my ex and now i just hope shes ok.
As it stands, i have zero attraction for her now, and thats crazy because she ruled my mind for so long.
Stay up! You have to go through this pain right now. Its necessary.
@sweetlovelady3404 Your ex has some nerve, thinking you'll take him back. Stay strong!
Coach Ken is HANDS DOWN the best. I did a coaching call with him, and we’re still working on getting my ex back--but he is helping me SO MUCH! 1000% recommend!
THank you Steven - very kind of you to say1
Not here to win my ex back. He wants me back and I know I could easily get him back but I don't want the relationship anymore. I'm actually here to not give in to that grief and withdrawal. I don't want an addiction to this person to cause me to settle for a relationship I don't want. Your channel is very helpful. Thank you
Thanks Slim! Much appreciated
After 5 months into the relationship,she left me cuz she holds grudges and she said that we’re incompatible which doesn’t make sense, it’s about respecting each other’s differences. Right now I’m going no contact to heal wish me luck people
I'm in the same situation man. Been 7 days now. It's getting easier.
How are you holding up mate
Wow, exactly the same with me since end of July. Suddenly incompatible, she just wants to be good friends some time. I'm strong in NC. Good luck 2u2!
I just got broken up with after 5 months too. We knew about eachothers pasts and I did so much to respect her past and her issues. I have some issues as well and sometimes like to check in to make sure nothing is wrong when I tend to over think. Well I asked if anything was wrong and it blew up. She ended it then and there. She said we were not a match. Which made no sense. Any time we were physically together, even multiple days in a row, there was NO ISSUES. Nothing, not even a tiny disagreement. We got along so damn well and felt so happy. Then poof. It was like I was less than nothing. She went NC with me last week. I am sure I have lost any chance of getting her to come around. But I am just going to have to force myself to stay NC as well. This is rough.
Same here. We are a great team but as soon as she sees something that isn't perfect to her then we're "incompatible" I helped her start getting her life on track, she had dozens of horrid partners and would throw it in my face how they were better than me to hurt me deep.
Hope you’re doing good.
I really believe that me and my wife are in a spiritual purification and when you said worship…my mouth dropped. God wants me to worship him and love her. Made so much sense to me thank you
Thanks Big Dog - Happy for you and your wife. Praying for you both! Been there - it does get better!
I have unsubscribed from all the other channels on this subject and solely concentrating on this man right here !!!
Thank you Shawn - very kind of you to say!
I was with her for 5 years.
She left over a year ago and while ive been on self improvement and made significant progress financially and physically...im still in this dark stage.....over a year ago.
You are a human being
Hang in there brother. Work on you!
@@user-hk3el6wq9r some days are easier than others, I've been grinding like hell, Thanks my guy.
Update
I lost my Erin...6 months ago. The breakup happened 8 weeks ago...she was into a rebound relationship the day she dumped me. Need to tell you...she made the decision but didn't tell me straight away. I found her and him in my bed...
I have been idolising her...this video has made me realise that...I still have a lot of challenges ahead...but thank you for what's left of my dignity
Keep up the good fightback !
Any update?
Should have gone nuts there bro
Ho noo!!
From a man who's been through a massive painful divorce and a couple of break ups this video is bang on the money , and I actually feel like I am normal and they weren't special. My pain is on me and for me to deal with. NC protect yourselves at all times.
This man is amazing with these videos. He knows the mind so well during a breakup
Thank you Envy! Very kind of you to say
I saw it in her eyes when she kissed me goodbye without words.I am in that exact situation. Always feeling things more then normal. Now in No contact for 8 weeks it almost drove me nuts. The pain was unbearable. Your video gave me some clearance and perspective. I really worshipped her although i didnt realized it. But then it is my fault eventually? I drove her away i saw it in her eyes when she kist me goodbye, there was pain. Thank you for this video. I wish anyone in this same situation all the strength en power to pull true. Remember 1 day..... 1 day it will be ours again. That joy in life god has for us.
This is a very good video. My relationship ended 3,5 months ago. It had only lasted 5 months and was pure limerence. One evening I asked her if everything was okay and she said that she had been feeling less in love with me as of late. So I calmly but immediately packed my stuff and left her, without a sad and pointless breakup conversation (keeping my pride and hoping she would miss me). I went into no contact pretty soon after that. I never begged, but I did measure the temperature a few times in the first week after the breakup. Since then, I stuck wth no contact, even though I've been missing her like hell for the last three months. It's insane how much I think of her even though I'm trying not to. I've lost all hope by now, which is a good thing, and now I'm starting to understand that even if we would get back together, I would probably be paranoid and expecting her to lose her feelings for me again. And I would never want to feel like that in a relationship, not for myself and not for her. So that's a thought that's sort of sobering me up these days. But yeah, I've definetly been going through 'dark limerence' for quite a while now. And it sucks!!! I wish I just had some more shallow feelings, that would make life a lot easier.
Pain can make you envy the more shallow and blissful people in the world!
Oh wouldn't it be nice to be shallow???? It's little comfort right now, but we are better, kinder people for not being shallow. But it's nice to fantasize about waking one morning and not having any feelings for the lost love....
@@CoachKen could you explain that further, please?
Thank you
I actually did get back with my EX, BUT things didn’t change, He wanted FWB
um jo thank you!!!!
I’m back to no contact maybe forever
we are t in the same page. He won’t take any responsibility
so I’m done!
Wow. Thanks. That really helps a lot. I've suffered for quite some time and I needed to come back to reality. 😊
In this time we will be getting swole, finding ourselves again, getting back into hobbies, cleaning ourselves up and being better as a whole and if they don’t come back you’ll thank yourself for doing it anyways.
This is the best advice. Remind yourself of how human they are. Make a list of the red flags. Write down their flaws and cruelties. A healthy and reasonable view of them. Thanks. I’m doing this tonight. 3 weeks after the breakup. Still hurting but in no contact.
My ex with a very bad mental health reached out to me via email finally opening up to me about everything. I gave her a proper apology for what I believed I did wrong. She responded with anger to many of my apologies but I am not feeding into it anymore.
I also had a different ex contact me. She has been going to therapy for 2 years. She apologized to me for being unwilling to admit she is wrong. She apologized for not caring about my perspective and for being anxious and assuming the worst. I also apologized to her for what i did wrong. Many of my actions brought out her anxious style of attachment.
Not going to lie.... I thought women were not capable of apologizing properly but all it takes is 2 years of no contact/therapy. 😂
Shes going to come over within the week. I'm very happy.
Congratulations! Try to stay in the moment - One day at a time!
That's awesome! Any updates?
He ended our relationship 6 weeks ago. I've been in NC. Dated 14 months. Had a great relationship. Things did become routine. Looking back now, I see he pocketed me. The only people on his side that knew about me was his mother. We did not have any arguments or bad blood between us. I'm angry because I was giving so much to the relationship and I see he was not. I was never needy or clingy. He had his life and I had mine. He knew how hurt I was about how a precious ex ended our relationship and ended our the same way and makes me so angry. Some days it take everything to keep from calling him and telling him off. If anyone should have lost attraction, it should have been me. Somehow, I still miss him. Either way, I know to stay in NC. I know going off on him will only be temporary relief.
Do you know why he broke up? Definitely stay NC and live your best life!
This is exactly what I’m going through right now and the pain is unbearable. I can’t move and my heart literally hurts so bad I thought I was dying. I can’t stop thinking about her and I found out she moved on so fast I’m not even an afterthought.. i pray to god every day to help me through this and I don’t wish this on anyone. I was so happy and healthy before I met her and I just want myself back but I’m so broken.
How did you know she is with someone else?😢
Feeling the same here bro keep praying and I pray for you to heal.
Meet some new people and hopefully they will divert your attention.
I know exactly what you going through. It’s the toughest time ever, but you will get through. Time will heal your heart.
I totally understand the place you were in and I’m I’m there now and been in no contact for 10 weeks and it’s honestly killing me and I’m in a permenant state of despair😢
Although I still want her back she also destroyed me quietly and affected my mental health.
I hope you are in a better place now though and have found a happier place
You did good by becoming a coach . You are balm for the soul . You really make me understand and come to my senses and be strong, patient , even feel really good and free. Thank you❤
I been married to my ex wife for 20 years. We raised 5 kids together. We had non together. She sent me a text 4 days ago telling me we need time apart for awhile. She said she loves me but not in love with me but she cares but enough i guess. I cant imagine starting a new life with someone at 50. I cry every day for her everday. She is a narcissistic i think after watching some of these videos.
THIS!!!!!!! It was a lightbulb moment of someone perfectly describing my thoughts. I have literally spent a month self flagellating and taking all of his bullets of how much i neglected him (whilst he bad mouths me to his emotional AP) and yet he's been emotionally neglectful of me for years!!!!!
I actually did that method of writing the things I didn’t like about him about 2 months ago and it really does help with detaching. I’m still working on it though but it has helped be to get back to reality when I tend to get in my feels again. You will soon realize that the perfect person who you though he/she is, was just an imagination that you created in your head because you wanted it to work. You just have to let your feelings feel through and focus on why you’re feeling a certain about their being as a whole.
Def a process - part of your mind and heart is fighting to hold on to the perfect image of them that torments you
I broke nc after 11 days now back on day 10 and feeling great! Yes I miss them. But I’ve apologized for over stepping boundaries & now i have been focusing on me and actually doing great at it. Even entertaining other people!
I did the same, broke the nc on the 7th day, didnt get a response and he didn't even bother to read it,so I'm now back on 8th day. I still miss them, but it's not too painful now.
Literally the first time I've heard my feelings perfectly described!! And finally a different perspective and advice!! Let me go write my list. I had a list of things he did and I thought it made me more sad and I threw it away but looking back to that time, I actually was better than I am now with my heartbreak. Thanks so much. Yes I want him back, yes I've worked on myself so much but yes, I want to stop feeling this emotional pain I feel I'm causing myself. ❤️ Thank you for this!!!!
Thanks SwiftDawg! Mental hug!
Wish I had known about this BEFORE I wrote the letter. Now I don't know if I have a chance. It is very complicated because he already posted " in a relationship" and is my neighbor with cattle on my farm. We have known each other for over 40yrs together for 7. He broke up with me 2 x previously very early when we dating came back the first time and I had a "talk" with him the second time and now is 7yrs later
Help
"People don't want to risk feeling less hurt because they think all that hurt is keeping me connected." That is deep. And pretty much describes most breakups. I'm on here for my daughter who is going through stuff. She's much stronger than I ever was. She's doing no contact with a long-distance ex that went right into a relationship with someone who is not on her level.
I’ve watched hundreds of videos on the relationship/no contact subject, and I can tell you with all certainty, coach Ken is one of the best, if not the best. He delivers precise information with deep knowledge. I’m grateful for your work coach. Saving lives I can tell you.
Thanks
Wow - thank you for the very kind words and encouragement! Sincerely means a lot!
I don't want this person who caused me so pain
Perfectly explained the situation. I feel things intensely and even though he sabotaged the connection, I looked back and blamed myself. Trying to stay away as much as I can and iterating the imperfections to gain myself back…
Thanks for the video which is so right and supportive. After 40 years I am moving on and starting to live and breathe again.
I don’t want to love him and I want the pain to go away. This video helped. I’ve made lists of all the ways they hurt me so I can stop idealizing them and it helps. In fact, for the first time in 3 years, I started actually feeling some relief that I don’t have to deal with the way they treated me anymore.
She's been gone for three years and I'm still having problems letting go. I have seen countles videos on the subject. This was the most practical and helpful . Having is not so great a thing as wanting. Mr. Spock said that in the episode "Amok Time" The reality is that we weren't good for each other. Thanks for your logic
The opening of episode 1 of DS9 is a great deep dive into being held in the past by grief. "it's not linear...".
TNG has got some great wisdom also.
Do you still keep in touch with her or have you been in NC for 3 years?
You 100% described me. I have high anxiety and possible adhd I have the worst case of dark limerance. I fall into baddddd anxiety 😢. It takes me a long time to fall out of this.
Yes - def does
I understand - wired the same way. It can feel unbearable - even overwhelming. Don't trust that feeling
Admit the truth about that person to yourself. It will set you free if you keep admitting the truth about the person & if you really think of it, you probably didn’t like many IMPORTANT, things about the person… pros and cons list, admit the truth to yourself & remember, it’s not you. You are worthy to a prism who is worthy of you.
Bro just get a new chick
@@corydavis5636 ????
Wow best advice ever, I never heard of dark limerence, it makes so much sense. I've had 2 months of this pain and its really ruining my life because I'm so sensitive, so from today I'm writing my list. Thank you so much Coach Ken and coach Lee. You guys are brilliant.
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo to you and everyone suffering!
Hello. I want to start by saying, your videos really help me. I was in a friendship with someone, but we did everything a couple would do. Recently she told me "I value our friendship, but my life has been taken in a different direction" We were constantly in contact. Constantly around each other. Before she broke things off, my messages kinda took a very long for a response. And the phone calls stopped. She said she needed space. I gave her two weeks, then contacted her. She answered. She even texted a little bit. Then hit me with the final message. That she needs the space for personal growth. I haven't seen her in over a month. I think about her day in and day out. I'm not even sure I miss her. I just miss the way she made me feel. I'm doing everything I can to move on from her. I deleted her cell, and all her social media. I don't only remember the good times. She definitely had her non positive moments. I wish I never contacted her after those two weeks. I feel it made things worse. Sorry about this long comment. Just needed to vent..
I needed to hear this today. Damn man. Thank you so much. I’m over here dying. Not anymore. The list will be my journal entry for the day
Going through this just now 😫
I am so happy that I am focusing on my novel again. I am more focused my friends and work. This is such a good feeling.
So so true. Right on
I especially resonated when he said that you know if you really move on you will never take him back. But you aren’t ready for that, so you hold on. For a while. That’s where I’m at right now. But the more I look at what really happened between us, the more I realize I really don’t want more of that
It's really hard to want someone back when they spend a lot of their time pissing on your boots trying to make you think it's raining.
when you "move on" you reached the point where you know this person is dragging you down and demoralizing you and has no concern for you. at that point you know this person needs to be out of your life completely. i disagree with the idea once you move on you can make a choice to bring this person back into your life or not as they have already proven to not be good for you.
Trust and total honesty is essential for a safe relationship
Coach Ken is brilliant! I think I'm going to book a call. I feel like my situation is confusing. She truly did NOTHING wrong. She was only kind, gentle, creative (artist and crafter and amazing cook) giving, and waited 4 years for ME. I was addicted (only have 23 days clean as of this post and am attending NA regularly) and probably fearful avoidant. Love-Push-Pull has been my pattern all my life, and when they finally leave "for reals" the pain is unbearable. I am not, and never have been abusive, not a cheater, and we've had incredible experiences together and a lot of love. NOW I'm 60
A fit, athletic 60 but still 60. She was the best I've ever had. Like Ken is saying, I feel like she kind of honored me TOO MUCH, and didn't need to. I honored her and encouraged her too - with her health and fitness, and to take up her watercolor painting again for example. She implicitly initiated no contact 25 days ago and I feel like I'm dying inside. She stopped following and liking my uploads on Strava (bike rides, walks, workouts, etc). I'm still following her and have her favorited but an afraid to like any of her activities, as she could block me. I don't want her to block me. I do need to stop looking at her Facebook. It's hard! But it actually makes me feel worse. I'm glad Zuckerberg designed Facebook so it is not possible to see who's looking at your profile. Although it did cross my mind that she's probably excluded me from seeing her posts, or some of them. I miss her terribly. I feel like she's THE only person on this planet that can take away my pain, and she fkng won't do it! I was also layed off my job 3 months ago and haven't taken anything yet - but I'm only semi-functional right now. Some days are better. Today, weirdly, has been the worst since day 1. And I wonder if I'm being vilified too - like I'm a horrible person. I'm not! I'm really fkn tired and spent.
25 is still early - Hang strong brother! Looking forward to talking with you if we get the chance. The anxiety/hurt waves will come and fade with surprising strength and unpredictable patterns. Just let yourself feel it - don't fight it or trust what the pain tells you.
@CoachKen Thank you so much, Coach Ken.
Thank you
I leave you playing before I go to bed and during my sleep. I cannot fall a sleep any other way. Thank you
OMG... First video of yours I've watched... I've NEVER heard of dark limerance before... I have BPD (13 years of intense therapy and medications...so far so good) and you've just nailed it. Wow. Thank you for helping me understand this! I'm quite aware of myself 90% of the time these days, but OMG I really relate to this 🙏
Best video I’ve heard about how to handle a breakup!
Ken you are speaking from my heart, from my mind. Thank you! 5,5 months in No Contact, and I totally agree and lived through everything you say.
Gabor! mental hug my friend! Thank you for the comments
@@CoachKenp
Thank you for acknowledging the pain. And for acknowledging the lack of understanding of it in others. That in itself helps a lot.
My ex broke no contact while I was listening to this after 12 days of no contact and said she loves me and is sorry for hurting my feelings
Don't get your hopes up guys she's engaged already.
12 days is too short, it says a lot about her and the way she thinks and acts, she must be quite reckless and unmindful. Very unstable
Update, I found out after us being broke up for a month she got a new boyfriend and a month after that she was engaged
@@ethanlowe2300stay strong bro you deserve someone much better than her , am at day 39 of no contact losing hope now
I'm listening because I want to be careful not to attract my avoidant ex back.
Thank you. It’s good to not lose hope because the pain is immeasurably devastating.
Yes, the pain is emense, and allow yourself to feel all the feelings of grief. After that, believe me, you will be stronger. It takes a brave person to allow those feelings to flow. Do not suppress them. I promise you will come out stronger! Check in to therapy. Listen to love & healing affirmations when you start feeling down.
@tikioluu2321 on month 2 and I feel awful still. Constantly think about him.
@@johncieclark3897update?
Ken you woke my inner peace and self respect thanks a million ❤
It's an honor to play any role in that!
Well, after a 23 year relationship that broke up five days ago... I didn't do this specific exercise, but I did start writing in a journal and yeah it has helped me immensely. So much crap that I remember putting up with is now flowing out of me through that pen and every time I have another realization about her I am reminded why I need to move forward, at least for one more day if not more.
What.. 23 years relationship...? 😢
@@timochi7363 Yes, and actually longer than that because we became friends in the 3rd or 2nd grade of elementary school, though we didn't start dating until junior year of high school and up until now we had been living together ever since, even through last year of college. Basically since 1999.
@JMulvy i salute you sir.. i just break up after 4 years.. i just cant imagine what you been through breakin up after 23 years.. i hope you doin well and keep the journaling sir..
@@timochi7363 Doin better now, thx for askin. Today is day 1 of week 3 since the break up and the 1st day I did not cry over her. Sadly, it is only week one of consistent No Contact. She made it easy for me though by blocking me on everything imaginable, so I don't necessarily need self-control myself. 😁
@JMulvy sorry to hear that.. sir, i dont know if it works for you.. i try no contact and mute / block her also. To keep me sane and i tell myself that im doin this for her.. it would make her happier.. maybe let go is true the highest form of love.. its hard.. so hard.. but this the only thing i think i can do
This is fantastic Ken, puts a lot in perspective and it’s all so true. Sometimes when you’re knee deep in the situation, you can see the forest for the trees.
Thanks Kristian! Much appreciated big man!
@@CoachKen Good stuff Ken, I'll schedule a call soon so we can catch up! Hope all is well with you!
Wisdom is crystallized pain.
and sometimes its only agony that gives you the wisdom you needed most. God have mercy in those moments
Love that🩷🩷
Excellent advice. It’s helping me feel less heartbroken in the moment. The pedestal I’ve put him on has crumbled and I’m going to get back my power
This is exactly what I started doing subconsciously, now I gotta write them down !
This is wonderful.
I’m doing my best I just started my second business since we broke up. I’m on vacation trying to be as “happy” as possible but I have to be honest this sucks! But gotta keep it moving
I’m in 6 days now if breakup I’ve totally lost all focus he blocked me everywhere. I’m also doing online business started aweel ago but I’m not fully 100% focused even at work . I feel so terrible like dying everyday
Did the same. No matter where you'll go. There is no escape from yourself. Hurts AF and will be for long, long time.
I really needed to hear this. Thank you.
Thanks for this.
We broke up three months ago, but found myself always breaking NC after a few weeks every single time.
I'm trying this writing down what she did so I am more realistic, stop idolizing her and putting her on a pedestal...
I've probably shot down all my chances with this chasing, this hyperfixation is something I need to solve - if not to get back together, at least to heal....
No contact can work even after you chased for a while after initial break
@@CoachKen but even if you remained in contactfor four months?
She was diagnosed with an illness and was undergoing a lot of tests for her condition. There was also the possibility that she might have to undergo spinal surgery. So every few weeks I would check in on her to see if there was any update because apart from genuinely caring, considering the situation I thought if I didn't check her that would make things worse.
But at least this week she received the final diagnosis and she will avoid the surgery.
So now I can actually start nc guilt-free. But yeah, these four months might have hurt my chances a lot...
This is exactly what I needed to hear. I have made my list. I am more than able to take fault in previous relationships where I know I contributed to their demise. But this one was different. The relationship failure was his doing. He was putting no effort in. I think he wanted the feeling of having someone until he didnt. He was divorced 2 years prior and in don't believe he was over that.
WOW...this is the first time I heard of this...write down their negatives! I listened to so many that haven't ever said this.
Thank you!!!!!!!! Thank you.
I’m so glad I found you!
You are so welcome - Great to meet you!
Weird/perfect timing for me, but I’ve been creating a mental list & reminding myself of the negatives for these exact reasons recently. More so when I miss her obviously. Hope this video blows up if only to reach & help others. Still not easy, but great video!
Thanks Michael!
Never heard of dark limmerance before but you are so right. I’m adhd and stuck in trauma mode from going through a lot of trauma over the past few years. I broke up with him but didn’t try to work it out and regretted it within a day or two. Now I want to try to work it out because there are so many good things about us. But I have to keep telling myself there’s a reason I broke up with him in the first place…but then he said he was through. (I probably traumatized him with an out of the blue break up) think the best thing to do will be no contact for a month or two then try to hang out slowly in a friendly way and see how I feel and how he feels.
Oh my god I've been spinning for about 2 weeks, trying to get back together with my ex and man this video just sent me straight, I've been looking at this situation completely wrong and this video was extremely helpful
Usually, the hidden, unspoken things talked about that people do, I'll say, "Yep, that's me." However, I ABSOLUTELY want to get through this pain, find my self worth (that I've honestly NEVER experienced), and I KNOW this would help either allow them to see me in a different light or perhaps help me to move on. I'm a dweller, and I try VERY hard to distract myself, but I just can't. It just won't go away. I'm my defense, it has only been since May 15. But it's every second I'm awake.
Limmerace for me has been my entire 5 year relationship. I loved her unconditionally
This video definitely helped. Currently going thru a breakup w a man I’ve been with for 5 years 1 kid together. Still live together. I was texting another man and truly regret ever talking to someone else. I want my ex back so bad but I don’t want to keep looking desperate bc I am a catch and he’s the one who messed up by pushing me to feel that void I was missing. Truly hope we can reconnect and come back together but I can’t keep holding on to the hope bc it might not ever happen 😔
You're ground salt talk is 1 billion % true
this helped me. I've been stuck in a spot of dark limerence and refusing to stop idealizing. I've been self flagellating and blaming myself for everything. I was the one to initiate the divorce because of unhappy I was in the marriage. I overreacted and want to try to work on the marriage and now she doesn't, and has moved on to a new relationship. But there are plenty of reasons I wanted to be done with the relationship. I need to keep that in mind and stop making excuses for her. My problem is that she is bipolar and untreated, and my brain finds it very easy to blame everything on that because things went to shit when she stopped taking her medication and have progressively become worse. It just winds up being such an easy thing to point to and makes it easy to idealize the person I proposed to.
Thanks coach. Appreciate what you do. I’m still struggling with my borderline ex who I escaped from, she hoovered - discarded then got into a new relationship with the first guy who came along for ‘survival’ 7 days after. I’d appreciate a video on borderlines and how they leave you locked in their psychological prison.
Next video is on BPD - you got it
@@CoachKen coach, You really are gifted at counselling. I know you’ve been through this BPD pain too and like me you tried to do the right thing by them always. Thanks brother
Excellent advice Coach Ken. Thank you!!
Too much sperm under the bridge you’ve heard the saying too much water under the bridge. Once they leave you and they spread their legs for another man don’t you dare ever take her back she’s been soiled she is not worthy of you. You are so far above her, forget about her even if you have to tell yourself that she was killed in a car accident you had a funeral for her don’t you ever dare go back to her. Be a man of man keep your chin up and walk forward, put her behind you never ever do you swallow that Kind of disrespect. There’s a gorgeous, beautiful woman out there waiting for you right now you just haven’t met her.
And the older you get the more women there are because of divorce, widows and men that are impotent there are so many women out there. Don’t you dare swallow, a woman spreading her legs for another man that is the weakest form of man. You are above them better than that or you wouldn’t of wrote and put your heart and soul on the line to comment on this public forum. Sometimes it’s easier said than done but have strength and have faith.
I’ve been in this situation before where I cannot accept and im in pain emotionally after my fiancé dump me, It’s weird but this one helps me, What I did is I put all the list of my ex’s negative behaviours during our relationship and i make it as a wallpaper in my phone, whenever I think about him, i just read it and that’s enough reason why its best that we separated.
So grateful to have found this channel. Loved every bit of advice !! Thank u 🙏🏼
Thank you Super!
This video was so helpful to me. More than any other advice have gotten about this excruciating break up. Not completely out of pain and torment completely but getting there. Especially appreciated the explanation of the flip side of blissful vs dark limerance. Most enlightening and helpful. Thank you for this.
You are so good. Speak truth in a very sweet way. I am so grateful.
I can't believe so many people are going through so much pain! :(( i feel all of you, i hope you succeed in getting through this, in the mean time let me just restart my breathing again cos my lungs are stopping every half hour.
Spot on with dark limerence,dealing with it with my wife of 20 yrs,,,, never felt this before,,,, pain is unbearable sometimes
Deep breath - it usually hits good people with strong hearts and minds the hardest. It'll feel hopeless - don't trust how it feels but don't fight or resist feeling it.
This might be the best concise explanation. One hundred percent truth.
The beginning of this vid was funny and for real the Lord is using you … your analogies really hit spot on in making these concepts tangible in the period of temptation
Hey Ken, I wish you would do a video about addiction and sobriety after a breakup. I’m now 3 months sober. I’m responsible for the breakup. I’ve taking inventory of myself and now living a much healthier life. I’ve been in no contact for a little over 2 months after a week of the breakup.
Update?
Very good content this, very good. Thank you
Your videos are excellent Ken. I love the delivery. I believe you care. I’ve been trying to understand my relationship with my wife. I believe BPD is a major factor in her. It’s helped me understand how her operating system is so much different than someone with secure attachment style. The normal advice on dealing with marriage issues (showing love, patience, kindness, gentleness) even in a “masculine” manner did not work. It would only seem to make things worse. It was only when I told her I was ready to end the marriage that my marriage made a sudden turn for the better that had not happened in over twelve years of marriage. BPD is definitely is a factor in the women in her family. Your videos have been GOLD man.
Am in no contact now 1 month but am scare she wont answer my calls cos she told mi not to call her again
Thank you for this. I am in the middle of an ugly divorce, and custody battle for my young kids. My husband left me for a younger girl and it was only when he told me that he is leaving me, that I found out that he had been having an affair with her for 3 years! All the lies, betrayal, deceit, emotional abuse, gaslighting. it's too much and I am completely heartbroken and hurt, and I am looking for effective ways to cope and to get through this. I will try what you suggested, and I do hope it can help. Thank you.
❤
peace be with you 🙏 ✨️ ❤️
Appreciate for this content. Everything you told describes my fillings precisely. I need to restore myself at the first place
This was fabulous advice. After watching a ton of videos, this one has helped the most.
Thank you man! Very much! You’re helping me so much make me realize i put her on a pedestal… I’m gonna try from now on to get her off this high place…
It works but it takes time - be patient with yourself and the emotion.
I’ve been in this situation before where I cannot accept and im in pain emotionally after my fiancé dump me, It’s weird but this one helps me, What I did is I put all the list of my ex’s negative behaviours during our relationship and i make it as a wallpaper in my phone, whenever I think about him, i just read it and that’s enough reason why its best that we separated.
Good words I needed to hear. I thought not thinking about him would heal me sooner. Not necessarily true. You need to process everything and that takes as long as it takes.
Our son went no contact as soon as he got married. We tried to talk but are only allowed to talk to her and she is aggressive so we just stopped trying. He's not a child ..it's so weird so I am grateful that I saw this. Thank you.
You are so real.... Your content is amazing!!!... You can tell you know your stuff. Wow!!!!! 👌
I teach people how to treat me by what I will allow
Coach Ken knows exactly what to say and how we feel. Thank you!