I think to a betrayed spouse. Forgiveness is too big of a word and shouldn't be used for the first year after discovery. There are also at least 3 types of forgiveness. Easy to get into a spiritually abusive situation, especially if the unfaithful is not truly repentant or a narcissist. Forebearance, Mercy and grace feel more appropriate to me as a betrayed spouse. As betrayed our hearts are trampled over and over while we are expected to act like Jesus immediately. Yes, extend mercy and grace while watching to see if the unfaithful displays a willingness or unwillingness to truly work on themselves. If they don't, then release (divorce) is also a form of forgiveness while not continuing to subject yourself to further damage and being made a fool.
I guess its true like I have read on sites regarding the stats about how many marriages that survive infidelity end up in divorce years later anyway. It proves that infidelity not only damages people and marriages, it leaves scars that forever change a person.
Wayne, you continue to hit home run after home run with your videos. For someone that has not been the betrayed, you come up with such deep deep stuff that help us explain what is going on. I am 6 months from last dday but been 16 months from the first “drip”. I have tried to explain this exact thing to my UW but didnt have the right words. I tell her that no matter if i stay or leave, i have to accept and live with something i didnt ask for or want.
My opinion is, if your cheating spouse is a covert/ vulnerable narcissist, the forgiveness is truly for the betrayed spouse to drop that weight, run, and move on. These people are empty vessels with NO empathy. Think of a zombie. They just move forward in their warped reality. No self reflection. No empathy, completely self centered. Save yourself. They’re drowning in shame, self loathing, victim hood, and blaming. Don’t lythem pull you down too.❌❌❌
I first began learning of my husband's infidelity in June 2014. Forgiveness is the first reaction I had. It seems weird to me now. I sincerely wanted to forgive and restore ALL that we had lost. I told him "there is nothing I won't forgive... just tell me everything and break it off with her!" Seven years later. I SEE now that I forgave too quickly. He never repented. He didn't even break off the relationship (she did 2 years later). My forgiveness made me a greater fool. And yet... even today - I choose to forgive! God knows all and sees all. God forgives me - so I will forgive others!
2 years past discovery. I've never used the word Forgiveness and in fact was determined not to. I did however show him grace while removing myself from the "role" of wife. He has done incredible recovery work and taken full accountability for his actions, which in turn has allowed us to work on building a friendship. I still don't use the word Forgiveness but I continue to show him grace and kindness. And he thanks me for it.
I have done pretty much the same as you have. I have been deeply wounded and I was already showing my husband grace for years before he disclosed his 3 years of betrayal. Truthfully, being kind to him has been so much harder for me because I feel totally depleted. I continue to pray and repent from my own sinful reaction and words but it's not any easier.
Some of her transgressions I have forgiven but even a year later I’m having problems with some of her actions and I certainly do not trust her completely I feel we are making progress but it is slow. Your videos are extremely helpful and help me with my feelings. Thank you and the whole Affair Recovery team!
As a betrayed husband, forgiveness cost me my job, my relationship with my kids, and the respect of many of my former friends. The alternative was living in rejection of the love I have for my wife and love she has for me. I often doubt my decision to forgive my wife. But I lived through my first wife divorcing me. That divorce was more scarring than my second wife’s affair.
When they are not remorseful and still in the affair it gets old. Watching money go from my house to hers; gets old. I loved him and wanted to work on our marriage. He was not willing to do anything to heal. All I got were more lies. When does the lying stop and when do you stop entertaining them.
I chose to stay. I forgave him for the past affairs. Not so much for him but more for me. He didn't start working his program till he saw, what grace, love, and how God does work through other's to help him in his recovery.
Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do after the fact. The damage has been done and some people can't work through it. I'm trying but it's the most difficult thing I've ever been through. I often feel like leaving, too.
For sure forgiveness is a very high price, glad it is mentioned to consider it some months later on the process. I felt very pressured to forgive quickly,( from my WS and well intentioned friends) I couldn't and it just hurt more. After a second DDay, I was ready to give up then finally some repentance happened and remorse was shown. Only then I could believe forgiveness could be possible. The concept of forgiveness as letting go of a better past has helped me a lot...
I think to a betrayed spouse. Forgiveness is too big of a word and shouldn't be used for the first year after discovery. There are also at least 3 types of forgiveness. Easy to get into a spiritually abusive situation, especially if the unfaithful is not truly repentant or a narcissist. Forebearance, Mercy and grace feel more appropriate to me as a betrayed spouse. As betrayed our hearts are trampled over and over while we are expected to act like Jesus immediately. Yes, extend mercy and grace while watching to see if the unfaithful displays a willingness or unwillingness to truly work on themselves. If they don't, then release (divorce) is also a form of forgiveness while not continuing to subject yourself to further damage and being made a fool.
This was so well said.
🙌🙌🙌
I guess its true like I have read on sites regarding the stats about how many marriages that survive infidelity end up in divorce years later anyway. It proves that infidelity not only damages people and marriages, it leaves scars that forever change a person.
What are those stats? There's one where they only polled like 400 people, which doesn't give the best result.
Truly forgiving betrayal takes one's dignity away. And that is when the relationship makes it final death spiral.
Wayne, you continue to hit home run after home run with your videos. For someone that has not been the betrayed, you come up with such deep deep stuff that help us explain what is going on. I am 6 months from last dday but been 16 months from the first “drip”. I have tried to explain this exact thing to my UW but didnt have the right words. I tell her that no matter if i stay or leave, i have to accept and live with something i didnt ask for or want.
My opinion is, if your cheating spouse is a covert/ vulnerable narcissist, the forgiveness is truly for the betrayed spouse to drop that weight, run, and move on. These people are empty vessels with NO empathy. Think of a zombie. They just move forward in their warped reality. No self reflection. No empathy, completely self centered. Save yourself. They’re drowning in shame, self loathing, victim hood, and blaming. Don’t lythem pull you down too.❌❌❌
I just want ownership of what was done, some semblance of remorse and much empathy. I believe in miracles; however, I am beyond.
I first began learning of my husband's infidelity in June 2014. Forgiveness is the first reaction I had. It seems weird to me now. I sincerely wanted to forgive and restore ALL that we had lost. I told him "there is nothing I won't forgive... just tell me everything and break it off with her!"
Seven years later. I SEE now that I forgave too quickly. He never repented. He didn't even break off the relationship (she did 2 years later). My forgiveness made me a greater fool. And yet... even today - I choose to forgive! God knows all and sees all. God forgives me - so I will forgive others!
You were not a fool.
2 years past discovery. I've never used the word Forgiveness and in fact was determined not to. I did however show him grace while removing myself from the "role" of wife. He has done incredible recovery work and taken full accountability for his actions, which in turn has allowed us to work on building a friendship. I still don't use the word Forgiveness but I continue to show him grace and kindness. And he thanks me for it.
I have done pretty much the same as you have. I have been deeply wounded and I was already showing my husband grace for years before he disclosed his 3 years of betrayal. Truthfully, being kind to him has been so much harder for me because I feel totally depleted. I continue to pray and repent from my own sinful reaction and words but it's not any easier.
It makes me think of the story when the snake bit the turtle who helped him to cross the stream, then replied “I’m a snake 🐍 it’s my nature “
Some of her transgressions I have forgiven but even a year later I’m having problems with some of her actions and I certainly do not trust her completely I feel we are making progress but it is slow. Your videos are extremely helpful and help me with my feelings. Thank you and the whole Affair Recovery team!
As a betrayed husband, forgiveness cost me my job, my relationship with my kids, and the respect of many of my former friends. The alternative was living in rejection of the love I have for my wife and love she has for me. I often doubt my decision to forgive my wife. But I lived through my first wife divorcing me. That divorce was more scarring than my second wife’s affair.
When they are not remorseful and still in the affair it gets old. Watching money go from my house to hers; gets old. I loved him and wanted to work on our marriage. He was not willing to do anything to heal. All I got were more lies. When does the lying stop and when do you stop entertaining them.
I chose to stay. I forgave him for the past affairs. Not so much for him but more for me. He didn't start working his program till he saw, what grace, love, and how God does work through other's to help him in his recovery.
I’m in this journey alone. I’m accounting for my behavior and actions, but he blames me and now leaving
Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do after the fact. The damage has been done and some people can't work through it.
I'm trying but it's the most difficult thing I've ever been through. I often feel like leaving, too.
Hi Michelle,
How long since D day for you? Hopefully time will help him forgive?
@@DT-rq9oq what do you mean by D Day?
For sure forgiveness is a very high price, glad it is mentioned to consider it some months later on the process. I felt very pressured to forgive quickly,( from my WS and well intentioned friends) I couldn't and it just hurt more. After a second DDay, I was ready to give up then finally some repentance happened and remorse was shown. Only then I could believe forgiveness could be possible. The concept of forgiveness as letting go of a better past has helped me a lot...
Truth has only 1 perspective. The truth