Getting Through Divorce After 37 Years of Marriage - Mark's Story
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- Опубликовано: 4 окт 2024
- Divorcing after 37 years of marriage can be an overwhelming shock. In this video, hear Mark’s powerful story of how he navigated the unexpected end of his long-term marriage and found a path to healing. Discover the steps he took to adjust, cope, and thrive just a few months after the separation. Mark’s journey offers hope and practical insights for anyone facing a similar situation.
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01:00 Initial shock and emotional fall out
01:55 37 years together, four grown daughters...
04:47 I married for life
07:20 Needing more support
10:30 Coming out of this a better man
13:03 I'm on a mission!
19:10 Why people get stuck
22:04 From hopelessness to the light - Mark's advice
23:45 Tools that we have to have to get through this
26:00 Immediate relief from Emotional Regulation Tools
27:41 Reconciling divorce with Catholic belief system
31:33 Looking to the future
33:52 Divorce is very lonely
34:57 Making peace with regret realistically
37:30 Forgiving myself so I can love others the way I want to
40:00 What the human brain is capable of!
41:00 It's about HOPE
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Additional Resources
Free Masterclass: HOW TO TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AFTER DIVORCE
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Guide: Emotional Stages of Divorce for Men & How to Heal within Each Stage
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Dating After Divorce Checklist: Are you ready to date after your divorce?
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Work with Me
Coaching Program ➭ www.rachaelslo...
Learn more ➭ rachaelsloanco...
Shoot me an email ➭ rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
Helpful Books for Divorced Men (affiliate links)
► The Full Body Presence - Gives gentle, accessible exercises for somatic processing of emotional pain and trauma
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► The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time
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► Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself - Concrete tools and exercises for rewiring the brain and reimagining your sense of self and purpose
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► Legendary - Inspiration and a powerful perspective for stepping into your potential
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► The Myth Of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture - Brilliant, in every way. This is an amazing resource for understanding yourself and your ex wife and finding the clarity or compassion you need to forgive.
amzn.to/3UxdsuC
► Lost Connections: Why You're Depressed and How to Find Help - Intense and well researched. I would recommend this book when you are past the early stages of divorce and have a stable support system in place.
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I’m Rachael Sloan, Master NLP Practitioner, certified life coach, and the creator of Better Beyond Divorce. I've helped hundreds of men move past the shock, betrayal, grief and anger they experience both during and after a divorce, to a place of clarity, calm and confidence. I hope to help you do the same.
DISCLAIMER: I am a Master NLP Practitioner and personal growth mentor. The material in this video represents my understanding and experience and nothing more. This content is not meant to replace professional medical advice, treatment or diagnosis. Always consult your medical provider before making any changes to your treatment.
▶️ 𝐇𝐀𝐒𝐇𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐒:-
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My heart goes out to all the men going through this! Going through a tough breakup with someone I loved and saw a future with and it's the hardest thing we can go through.
Mark you are a good man and your ex wife made a huge mistake in my opinion. My ex wife who I was with for 14 years did the same thing to me. I’m in law enforcement. When we arrest someone for a crime we have to prove intent. We all make mistakes. I made mistakes. But my intent was never to hurt her. All I ever wanted to do was protect her. I don’t understand how she could not see that. Thank you for sharing. I’m in the same pain as you. I’m just trying to survive one day at a time.
Thank you for watching and commenting here. I love what you're saying about intent. I think this is where most relationships fall apart - when one or both people get stuck on the surface and lose sight of the intention beneath. I'm glad that you are aware of your good intentions, and I hope that you can meet yourself with love and compassion as you go through this. I'm sorry that you're in this position as well.
I was married 36 years been together 4 years before marriage, the video is great, I have been divorced 3 years. It can still be tough. Thanks gir video.
Mark I, respect you! As an older man who could be my father, I wish I had a dad with your outlook on life! My wife is divorcing me after 20 years of being together, three weeks after my mom died. Where I wasn’t the best person always, I want to make that clear, I could have done a much better job. I would have died for her and always had her back and I bent over backwards to make sure she would be good in life!!! I have cut all ties with her family and mine so that I can focus on healing. I’m sad!!!! But I will be okay, I always took care of myself alone, this isn’t nothing different. I will never believe in love or the lie named marriage. To all men in a good marriage or relationship, I’m genuinely happy for you all and hope you go the distance!!!
Thank you Mark and Rachel.
I’ve been sitting on the couch watching aimless tv and crying for months. Hours at time.
Don’t want to talk about it with anyone. Especially family.
Miss my daughter terribly.
The pain is greater than…..
You're welcome. Thank you for talking about it a little bit here. Do you have a support system? Friends, a good therapist maybe? Difficult as it is to reach out for help, doing it alone is actually a lot harder. There are things we can do to help balance your nervous system, ease the pain and help you find a sense of internal stability again. You're welcome to reach out to me if you'd like more details about doing that work with me (rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com) or you could seek support from a therapist who does any of the following: somatic work, trauma therapy, internal family systems or emotionally focused therapy.
I know it sounds sort of simple. Try to focus on here & now and small moment of happiness. A walk in the woods, a nice sunset, a good movie, your hobby, etc. And keep walking with your head up, move forward, focus on your goals & life. Good luck man!
This was great to watch and thanks to you both for sharing. I’m 16 months after the split where my wife (together 22 years, married 14 ) basically ghosted me and told me she hadn’t been happy for 2 years. We are now divorced and I have good days and bad days but I do know I’ve been scarred deeply by the woman I loved and made my life with.
Mark, this had given me a shot in the arm, take care and keep going brother 👊🏻
Im going through something very similar, how are you travelling now?
I am getting divorced after 32 years. About 10 years late. My wife built a wall . I wish her all the best
I am getting divorced after 18 years of marriage. She stepped out with someone else and I caught her. Never in a million years did I thought she would do this. One good thing about this is it has brought me closer to the Lord Jesus he is my Rock and redemption praise the Lord every day.
Very good content. I'm in the same boat kinda 29 years together almost. I understand "husband" was who I became, believed it. All my "other identitys" were included in that and part of them, ie... Worker buy still husband. Surfer but still husband. Now "husband" is gone and so is the belief. If it's just an idea how do I let it go?
Your helping me help myself.
Mahalo Nui Loa 🤙🤙🤙
Thanks Mark so sorry what you’re going through. I’m going through this now after 26 years,together about 30. This is the most emotional trauma I’ve ever been through, more now than when my parents passed. 😢 But hanging in there. Good luck to you👍🏻
Thx again, the xontent also ressonates with me and my situation as well. Thx for the maestro for sharing his story, be well buddy, looking forward and keep positive. Cheers !
You're welcome. Thank you for watching and being a part of this community!
If you'd like to hear more hopeful stories, you can watch my free masterclass. Mark is there, and a few others as well! You can find it here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
Im sorry you went through a divorce 37 years later. This is why i refuse to remarry. i cant imagine being divorced after 37 years especially in my golden years. F that. id rather be single of the rest of my life. its tough being single but i cant bear this type of calamity. no thanks.
P.S. Thank you Feminism very much for ruining the family structure.
I'm really sorry you've gone through pain like this too. There is a quote from Dr. Gabor Mate (if you haven't read his book, The Myth of Normal, I would highly recommend it to anyone who is in pain) that comes up for me when I read your comment. He says, "Safety is not the absence of threat, it is the presence of connection."
Most of us spend a lot of energy trying to escape our current pain or avoid future pain, but that isolates us and keeps us in resistance, fighting against what we truly want. If we can create a stable sense of connection internally and in external relationships, it gives us the ability to handle risk and threat so we can enjoy the love, intimacy, vulnerablity and bonding that human beings are born desiring.
I would rather stay in isolation and in resistance than to be manipulated/abused/betrayed.
I doubt she was your better half. Good listening to your story. It's a freaking nightmare, in the same thing myself except with my only son, 8 yrs old and "visitation". The betrayal is real. I guarantee you that if women lost custody and got visitation in a divorce, there would all of a sudden be a lot less divorces. All of a sudden they'd be able to "work it out".
IMO, the term visitation is degrading to fathers.
that's an interesting perspective. You may be right. Bit by bit it seems men are gaining ground in custody, but not nearly quickly enough. The only small comfort I can offer is this - the quality of the time you spend with your son matters. If you can be emotionally available, responsive and engaged with him, even for only hours a week, it does make a difference.
In some cases, I've even seen fathers creating stronger, healthier bonds with their kids despite restrictive visitation schedules, because they became 100% engaged during that time, whereas when they lived with the child all the time it was hard to make set aside life's chaos to fully engage emotionally.
And as a daughter who grew up mostly with my mother, I can tell you that I have crystal clear memories of 5 different days I spent with my dad growing up that each made a huge impact. He took me out of school to play hooky and go skiing one day, to an outdoor movie with just me and my brother one night when I was a teenager, and even a day when his second marriage was in a low point and he asked me to come be with him (the first time I ever saw him show pain or tears). Each of those memories and a couple of others made profound impacts on me, not because of what we did during that time but because he was 100% present and engaged on those days. The rest of my life, including the weekends I spent with him, I felt like he wasn't really there. Too busy, too stressed, too much else to think about. But we have a good relationship now, and he showed me, in just those few instances, what it felt like to be fully present with someone you loved. I've try to bring that knowledge forward into my relationships, including my marriage, and I'm very grateful for it.
Mark - good luck - am dealing with 44 years of marriage and now being told "I hate you". One thing -- forgive ourselves? Forgive ourselves for our spouse destroying our marriage. Sure -- understand self-reflecting andl we all have some regrets but we did not do this. Why do we accept the shortcomings of our spouse but in the end we are asked to "forgive yourself" for being hated and "forgive yourself" for the one person you thought you could depend decides to turn your world upside down. It is really hard.
Thank you for watching and for sharing... honestly, John, at this moment in time forgiveness may not be the most important thing to work on. You might need anger for awhile. Most of my clients go through a phase where anger is really helpful in letting go and healing. It's not good to stay there for years, as it does turn to bitterness and even despair, but in the early days and especially when confronted with 'I hate you' from her... anger isn't a bad thing! It's a very valid emotion and one that can help you find energy, purpose and direction as you navigate this.
More of these
I missed the part to why you had to move out vs the wife?
I get it - he's being kind. I know, I know, plenty of people will believe he was being foolish leaving and not her leaving instead. But being truly kind is a constant sacrifice. Not often to one's self advantage.
Ladies, you've done well. Plenty of you over the past 4 decades wanted to become the same as men ... well, many of you have. You all have now taken the path of being ignorant and self-absorbed.
"Poorly done Emma, poorly done." Movie reference.
Amen
If had emotions regulation I would not throw out the D word
I don’t have a support system and I have not found very little support in the Catholic church. There are no community or support groups. I need help. I’m asking for help.
What do you need help with?
I'd like to learn a bit more about your situation and what you need. It may be that my coaching program and support group could help, or I may be able to direct you to the right place. Please reach out to me with more details - rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com.
You can also watch my free masterclass to get some good tools and to learn more about the program I offer and that form of support: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-registration
Get into this program. I’m 5-months into
My soon to be divorce, and the tools she uses here helped me tremendously. Almost stopped me in my tracks where I can focus on me to get better. I was 24-yrs in,28 together. Wish you the best
Men..don't get married
there is something about rachaels lack of judgement and ability to listen and be empathetic that is so helpful for me ; one of the hardest parts about recovery for me is feeling traumatized by women in general ( i know this fear is irrational, but it is visceral). i imagine its similar to how some SA survivors are uncomfortable around men regardless of the situation/context. (caught my ex in infidelity so theres often flashbacks whenever talking to a woman even if they are just close friends or coworkers on a friendly level. all that gut churning comes right back up)
theres something about rachaels lack of judgement towards the situation that really helps me see women as just friendly people again unrelated to the pain this one person caused me.
bc theres a lot of shame around being cheated on and abandoned. sometimes i wonder if women look at me and laugh or wish to ridicule. its stupid but its there and real.
thanks for being so open, non judgemental and empathetic, this channel has helped me so much become a normal human again especially in my interactions with women (not even on a sexual or romantic level but on any level)