Audrey when you speak about what the woman is going through, it touched such a nerve and made me cry so hard. How close it feels to being loved, and yet is not. The audience is so lucky to have your point of view. It’s so down to earth and gentle and understanding. It’s a good counterpoint.
This happened to me for four years! 😢 I finally walked away. He was manipulative and completely selfish. We saw each other just as much in her situation, but he was emotionally immature. It was so hard because I was invested. I choose myself. I'm now in a fully committed relationship with a wonderful person who reciprocates his feelings.
I lived this relationship for almost 4 years. It was the most painful relationship I’ve experienced in some ways because I threw myself under the bus repeatedly. Once you leave and fully heal from this dynamic you’ll never go back!
He wants her to be confused and hopeful. That’s not really a friend, is it? A friend wants what’s best for you. He wants to keep you around for sex and companionship. Not a marriage. Not a relationship. That’s super clear, isn’t it? He said he doesn’t want a relationship with you. Please, stop wasting your life and dreams on him. I know how hard it is, but he is using you.
I was in her situation and left him. the heartbreak was something I'd never experienced before. But I also grew from it and became more resilient, wiser and more beautiful and eventually wirh time found so much fulfilment and happiness. when I left him, that signaled to my brain that my needs MATTERED. I started picking myself up. I started giving the happiness that I always deserved to myself. all the things i thought i was getting from him, i realised i could give MYSELF. That alone was 1000% worth the breakup pain.
I have absolutely ZERO respect for time thieves who treat people as placeholders, regardless of any trauma or issues they may have. Truly shameful behavior! They know exactly what they're doing and still choose to do it, extremely selfish.🤬
Let your hear break so that your soul can heal. If it's not a yes, it's a no. No grey area. The longer you stay, the more it hurts. Leave and give yourself a better chance for the right person to find you❤. Been there.
It's about me💔We've lived together for a year and get along really well, but he doesn't see me in his future. He's incredibly caring and kind, and I like him a lot. He says he likes me and is attracted to me, but we’re not officially a couple. However, we spend nearly all of our time together and genuinely enjoy it. I’ve told him we're the perfect couple-except that we broke up. (We broke up 9 months ago, yet we’ve continued living together. ) He said we're the best match. Yes, it's confusing, and yes, it’s painful. It's time to end! Thank you, Matthew and Audrey. You two are amazing!
I wish you find someone who is deserving of your love and that will give you that same love back. It's not comfortable to sustain that uncertainty, and even if you committed then he may have went back on his word later. A lot of us have experienced similar - they should never have moved in with you. Please go slowly next time and leave intimacy for later. You will meet the right one.
Bless you! Get yourself out asap so there's no backtracking... He will only become resentful & now has the one up bc he is playing hero despite causing the situation... Wish him well & go - 🙏💝🙌💫
i was in a similar situationship for 3yrs eventually he agreed to marry me. i never forgot about the 3yrs of rejection and i never let him forget it. eventually 15yrs later he left me. even though he married me i never believed he was ever in love... biggest mistake and waste of time of my life.
Agreed! Sometimes people just go along to get along.. I had this too - marriage & kids, but I think that’s when the mask came off & he hit a wall… Unfortunately, we can’t control those who tell us what we want to hear and still waste our time…
@@elizabethdutton9604 It happened to me. That’s how I know. When Matthew said he will find another girl who he can do the same thing with, I’m like yes or he will find the one he actually wants and marry her quickly. My ex did that.
Both of you had some amazing points. Audrey you spoke exactly to my experience and asked the BEST questions to represent where I found myself in a very similar situation…AND Matthew had the perfect counter points. It was like Audrey was my heart and Matthew was my mind and I feel both so deeply. So beautiful. If you’re reading this Amanda, I am going through something very similar and the truth - his truth, once it came to light was not at all anything I could have ever imagined. My lesson was, stop trying to fill in the blanks. No matter how much you try to understand or fill in the gaps, behavior is a language. The acceptance is terribly painful, but you WILL get through it. Something beautiful is on the horizon.
same here just ended a 7 year situationship which also involved other people. I feel so stupid and hope anyone who is in situationship will simply end the kind of endless loop. It’s definitely not worth it.
I feel very called out in this video. I was in a one year relationship with this person almost a year ago and it still hurts. I loved this person so much and still do a little, but that love is slowly fading the more I realize I was being used and that he never really loved me. I was the one seeking commitment from him and to be vulnerable and to communicate more. I thought I was asking for too much, and he made me feel like I was asking for too much. He never introduced his family to me, which is important to me. He seemed very ready and committed to me, but there were signs that he was never gonna fully commit to me. I wish I left him sooner and not let this go on for a whole year. I hate myself for not walking away, but I’m trying to see this as a hard lesson learned and to not hate myself. I thought I was mature enough to realize what I really want in a relationship and the expectations from my partner after I was abused in a narcissistic relationship before this one. I hope I stay strong for myself and the next person if they come along.
Wow! Matthew your comments about 'the loss has already happened' and the unchanging chronic pain vs the transformative pain of moving on was imo your best work yet. It's hit me hard - unfortunately my situation of almost 2 years is similar to Amanda's but a lot lot worse.
Amanda, find a man who respects your time and energy, because someone who has DONE THE WORK on relationships will know what it takes to sustain that reservoir and empathise with you. If he doesn't he's sticking around for YOUR reservoir of time and energy without learning to do it himself.
I think a lot of people in these situationships pay attention to so many qualities the person has, but not the most important one: Are they choosing you? It doesn't matter how much time you spend together, how fun it is, how deeply you connect, if you like each others friends and families, etc. They're not choosing you! That should be the #1 qualifier, not an afterthought.
I always wonder why being direct upfront about one’s goal in dating should be daunting? Like saying I want commitment, marriage and family upfront. And if that person is not there yet, it is such a big gamble and waste of time to go even on the second date 🤔 why the culture changed into this idea of everything about a relationship should develop organically? Is there anything in life (if we want to do it right) that just developed organically? Or is it more with intention and dedication?
'Organically' has become second hand for 'don't expect much from me, I want to do what I want, keep my options open and enjoy the companionship and sex of a relationship without responsibilities. Don't ask for commitment or I'll feel pressured and go. Or tell you I never promised you anything'. I agree: without intention, nothing can grow between two people.
Unfortunately, 2 years sounds great to me to figure things out and leave. I stayed for 8 and still dabbled in giving him another millionth chance. I pray for everyone going through this form of abuse. 🙏🏼
@@afeuer27 I think most women will put up with it for about two years. I think that why she’s at the point of asking for help now. She’s getting ready to leave.
@@jennyw9656 oh my dear, I’m so sorry! I say this with all sincerity, find the love you have for yourself! You deserve better. I tell myself this everyday, and I finally might have found it and a man with intentions that match mine. You are in my thoughts! 🙌🏻🙏🏼
You know, even when a man says he wants marriage and you two get into a loving relationship, sometimes it still doesn’t work out in the end. But this!? He won’t even take the first step with the poor girl. There’s nothing here, only her false hope☹️☹️
6.5 months for me. The guy dates and sleeps with 3-4 other women, and yet kept saying he needs 9 months to get to know me, and I am a keeper, and that he is not ready for a committed relationship. I have decided to move on because I want a lot more and am not happy. Breaking the false hope and avoiding further emotional and health risks.
@@edaakkya of course, I know there are a lot of us going through something similar. She broke up with me to "heal" (we started our relationship when she got out of a toxic one) now she's back treating everything as if we were in a relationship and after addressing it she said she felt guilty because she wants to be with me but still wants to be alone to heal. It sucks, I'm only 18 but I want a long term relationship. I hope this works out or somehow I'll end up happier with someone else.
@@UnitedHornetyou are too young to get stuck in a toxic relationship. Let them go to heal. If it is meant to be they will come around after they have healed. Stop wasting your time and making toxic memories with them when they are not ready. Especially a woman will respect you more when you respect yourself.
This video is so helpful. I feel like it describes my relationship perfectly. Been with my guy for a hear and half and I feel like we take two steps forward then 5 steps back ever few weeks. He talks about our future 5 years from now but refuses to consider moving in together. He stays at my house 5 days of the week. I allowed him to become too cozy. Made it too easy to not have to give more.
So true! On her part she is hurting herself by not feeling the pain... There is pain underneath all these behaviours! And he is mirroring all that pain back to her!
I love how Matthew delicately responds to Audrey when she pushes back… Audrey, he clearly wasn’t talking about you re: the diet issue- don’t let that be a hot button.. you’re a petite beautiful woman, no need to worry or even think that’s an issue… But, we should all have a Matthew to be able to diffuse these emotional topics as eloquently… Kudos to you Matthew - I really appreciate your style & diplomacy. Audrey, he obviously has a lot of respect for you and rather than creating a situation where you’d look insecure, he stayed on topic. Not many people would or could do that… Great topic & great work! 🙌🏽🙌🏽💯🌹
Would also love to know the answer to the above question as my 3 year situationship with someone who says they love me I'm finding so hard to walk away from because I feel like it has to work now because of how much time and energy iv put in to it. I'm 39...all my friends are married so it feels like is it too late for me? Feel so so scared as I feel like he's become a safety blanket from feeling all alone and if I cut him off then il feel lonely. I work alone most of the day and live alone too and all my friends are busy with their partners and family's so rarely see them. He ends things and runs away when I ask for more from him (I.e meeting his family) but then il get a message from him say weeks or few months down the line and the whole cycle and situationship starts again as I'm not strong enough to delete him of socials or block his number or ignore him.
@@amy9578-b3s I was in a 1.5 year relationship ( engagement) that I broke off last week. He used to ignore me for days. It was long distance. Never used to share anything. Life was miserable with him. He wanted me but I was never his priority. And it got to point where even though it looked perfect from outside, I was never happy. I wanted much more from a relationship. I wanted someone who would put me first, who would show me affection. And I knew I couldn't ask him bcs that's not how it works. So I just got up n left. Idk whether I did the right thing or not but I believe I opened a gate for someone else who could give me the type of love I want. No one has to fit themselves in a box bcs the other person isn't ready to do it. Ask yourself if he will ever be ready to provide u what u want in a relationship and if u are uncertain, maybe have a talk, if not please there are many people out there. Don't let the age make u compromise on love. The right person will always come with peace and clarity.
You really do have to find that inner strength. I started working on my self worth and realising I deserved more. I was scared too but I’ve recently met a great guy. Who has given me hope again
@@amy9578-b3sPlease block him and move on. He is disrespecting you so much. Ghosting you when you ask for more. Read yourself. Why would you want that man in your life. Picture him doing that when your are pregnant and leaning on him to show up. Love yourself. Choose yourself .
If you're constantly feeling confused two years into a relationship then you are being manipulated and lead on. He likes the convenience but you're not the one. He's using her hope that there will be more. He's gross. Get out before you waste five years and still don't get what you're looking for. You deserve more. Stop making excuses for people and using toxic empathy.
What do you think about a similar situation, being very close and intimate, bf+gf behaviour 2 months in. But, he says he's not ready for a relationship in general but wants to keep exploring
@@nadja5154 Believe them. They honestly said they are not ready for a relationship. Ask for clarification on what 'wants to keep exploring' means. Keep exploring options with other people? Keep exploring you as a person to make a more informed decision? What does 'keep exploring' mean? It sounds very vague. Don't be shy about getting answers to your very valid questions. If asking for answers blows up the relationship then is was never going to go further anyway. Don't try to be the 'cool girl' that just goes along to get along. Be clear about what you're looking for and trust yourself. Two months is more than enough time to decide whether you think there is a meaningful future to a relationship. It's not like you're demanding marriage on the spot. You just want to know if you're wasting your time or not. Just like the girl Matthew is talking about here, don't get stuck in not wanting to let go of something you wanted if they're not wanting it back. Every day you spend with somebody that doesn't want to commit to you is a day wasted finding somebody that does. You deserve somebody that is clear about how they feel about you and not this "why ruin a good thing with talk of the future and commitment' -- that's manipulation by somebody that doesn't want to commit but likes the situationship they've got right now with you. Two months of 'very close and intimate bf/gf behavior' is plenty of time to know. Good luck. Be strong. xo
Amanda, your story has touching me a lot. Been thru a similar situationship for a year and half. Finaly he comited and that relation last for 5 months. He ended it really drastically without any explanations and I never saw him again. That was the most painfull heart brake of my life. What I learned about that is a lot of thing.. Most of the time we have cues that we dont see and don't wanna see! To me, being afraid of commiting is in high correlation with being able to takes responsabilites. Now I changed my strategy towards dating. I put a time line of 3 months in my cell phone with everyone I meet. Time is the most precious richness that we have !
we need to be honest with ourselves and believe what people tell us . Don't see someone who doesn't want a relationship if you know you want and need one.
I honestly don’t know what I’m missing. They’re not seeing other people, they see each other multiple times each week, they travel together, etc. What’s missing? Is there something we’re not saying? Is the word we’re not saying engagement, proposal, wedding?
It’s a story of someone leaving things at face value - sure the cover looks great & on paper it’s palatable, but apparently she’s looking for the next step & he isn’t willing to take that first step to admitting there’s anything at all… it leaves her in a vulnerable position. Overall, yes it’s a relationship, but not a stable one.
So he's too comfortable bc they are in a relationship.... he's also in denial a wee bit. There's a lot ofweird here, he is having his cake and eating it too but doesn't want the title.. perhaps he's got an attachment issue or is worried too "lose his freedom", waiting for someone better.... she's wasting her time. 🙄
@@vanetheone8101 wth did that even mean? She wants a contoured relationship, to find her person. You're one jaded human and that's the energy you will recieve of that's what you're putting out
There are ways against her taking half of your stuff. It goes both ways.Just an excuse not to commit, want to have your cake and eat it.There are a lot of losers out there!
In the end it's about yourself. Do you love yourself and it's not what you want? Then leave. I know it's a tv show (satc) but when Samantha said" I love you but I love me more" it's a phrase which I caught for my love life. It wasn't always easy but I'm happy married so it worked for me... Also Matts song: "Limbo" too 😂😂😂
I did it for 3 and a half years. We actually went on and off for that time because he used our "non commitment " as an excuse to put it down periodically for small reasons. Nope... to emotionally painful for me. It's empty, sad and lonely to be the only one all in. When you really want to love and they just don't pick you... heartbreaking totally heartbreaking
It has been 2 years! I ended a “ real” relationship after 2 years because it was toxic, so I felt like I wasted 2 years in a committed relationship, living together… Sending Amanda a big 🤗
It's so easy to tell Amanda to just end things, grieve the situation and find someone new but having left such a partner at the age of 42 was the worst decision of my life because I've been alone for over 20 years! NOT ONE MAN has even looked twice at me or chatted me up so if you're young and attractive, go ahead and do as Matthew advises but if you're older and not a stunner in terms of looks I urge you to think VERY CAREFULLY about (as Audrey says) losing what you've got, imperfect though it may be. It's a very lonely life now.
I'm sorry to hear that. But have you done some therapy? Because there are lot's of "old" and "ugly" people and they get a partner it doesn't mean you are, it's just to show a point ... I started dating with 33 and always said... oh there is nobody to have a partnership... but in the end the brutal truth was... I was scared of relationship because of my trouble childhood and avoided it like hell... So, it's never too late. Hope you find a way to heal and love yourself first. Then a partner who treats you as you deserve it ❤ no breadcrums. In the beginning I fall for every bit of attention of a guy and it doesn't matter how they treat me as soon I got breadcrums. I'm now in a happy relationship over 5 years and married and now I have standards and boundaries. The funniest thing... I look better with almost 40 then I did at 20... why? Because I'm happy and it shows 😊
Amanda. I stayed for 10 years, convincing myself he was the 1. He accommodated me, he had strong feelings for me but ultimately he stayed for the benefits I offered. That was difficult to realise but deep down I knew. He even proposed half assed 😂 to keep me longer. He thought that's what would keep me around, dangling the carrot of marriage. He did learn it was possible to keep me by promising me change over and over. I ended it, he had nothing of substance to offer me. It was all superficial. His actions proved it. Please don't waste your time or ignore what you're intuition is telling you.
'There is a very good chance he just lets you go and this never has a satisfying ending on this level [...] He never has to learn this lesson. There is no rule in life that says he has to learn the lesson that relationships are awesome.' Excellent.
I love this good cop/bad cop you two crazy kids have going. Mathew feeds us the hard truth. Audrey softens it and makes it palatable. Brilliant. More please.
This episode is the one I'm starting my every day with since you released it. I left the same kind of relationship few years ago. But together with healing process I tend to forget how bad it was and tend to miss them lately. This episode is a very good wake up call. Thank you for that.
I’m 4 months out of a 2yr relationship which was supposed to be heading to us living together, made all the plans etc and then he admitted he only wanted to continue the way we were. He had no intention of selling his house and just said it was personal. I was in pain with the grief of what was supposed to be our future, he walked away like I meant nothing. A complete commitment phob and at 54 still emotionally immature. I know my worth.
Thank you Matthew for pointing out that that person is already unhappy. That's so true. There is no point in making it sound like it's a fairy tale. If it's already raw, keep it raw. I think it's important to point out also that just because she would no longer be in this relationship --- that does not necessarily equal 'loneliness'. If this person is more afraid of being alone than letting go of someone who isn't showing up authentically, then she may be in the relationship for other reasons.
I am getting better at betting these men nowadays. I was married for 17 years with my late husband and lost him 5 years ago. I miss him even more because the men and women nowadays created this dating so called situationship and all other labels that I have not heard before. Nope. Not for me. The last got I dated tried to manipulate me into a situationship. We were two months in and because i asked questions and pay attention to his actions he has no choice but to reveal his own intentions. I was upfront too what I want - partnership/bf and not into any kind of situationship! I said my peace and goodbyes. I miss him but I am not going to waste any more of my time 😊. PRETENDERS vs CONTENDERS
This relationship is: close but no cigar. The woman who wrote in has to decide if she can live with not having the cigar -- and for how long. I think it really depends on your age and stage of life. If you want to be married and have kids, well, this guy won't give you that (in the current setup). You have to play hard ball and walk away! Make him miss you and see if that produces any results. DON'T be understanding; give him hell instead!
I did not follow you as I got married (thanks to you in all aspects) and I m so happy seeing you being married with such a beautiful and clever woman. Congratulations!🎉
Matthew, what exactly does being a genuine team and building something together mean for you? You reference it a lot -a video about this topic would be highly appreciated❤
"It's far more likely he becomes ready by you leaving, than by you staying." It took 3 years before I found a more exciting alternative than hanging around - moving to Europe! In 3 months, he was on the phone asking me to marry him. Crazy but true.
When I was in my mid-twenties I dated a man who would not commit to me. After three years of exclusively dating, I was invited to his brother's wedding and nearly every person at this wedding asked, "Oh, did you just meet?" Yes...36 months ago. I never was invited to a Holiday, however he was always invited to my family's, and he often did not come. I was treated like garbage but was too young and inexperienced to know better. By the time I left in my late 20s everyone was already taken. I'm a helluva lot smarter in my mid-forties. I recently told a man, "I'm not a seat-holder at the Oscars: you either are my partner or you can take a hike." It works. No more time-wasting.
Def move forward to bigger & better things... as Matthew said,, how much time do you have? And, in the future, you now know what you will & will not accept. I had similar issues with my now Ex but while he committed, he pulled back on the next stages - even though we eventually got married, turned out he is avoidant and has no issue taking financial control or lack thereof creating a bigger mess... do yourself a favor and take this as your cliff note version of a Drama you don't wish to star in. Wish him well, find family and friends & move in with them... You will do great!
Thank you- i cant even have a conversation, he literally walks away from me as I’m speaking.. I’m trying not to allow the children to see this behavior so they don’t copy .. I actually let him know that if he cannot respect me enough to face me while being in my home, then he should wait outside for the children. I don’t accept gaslighting either or whatever purpose this serves. He likes to be in my energy but I truly believe he never wanted kids or a home… But, with his actions in the past thru current, he’s lost it all & I’m here trying to hold it together. I can only take responsibility for staying with him when I wanted to leave years ago when he showed signs of complacency, then pushed to be married to have a family… he knew what I wanted, so if he lied to simply be with me, that’s on him… He dragged it out many years too.. I think it’s partly due to being raised to love people who weren’t there for my Mom & Me - including my Father. It’s a hard lesson to learn but definitely not acceptable behavior from anyone…
As a long time watcher (first got to know MH back in 2011 and have been listening often since then). At first I missed MH-only videos, as was his original videos were. But watching this, I see how Audrey adds very nicely to the conversation and makes it more multi-dimensional and adds thought provoking questions. Their dynamic is good. It was also very funny when she asked whether MH was speaking from his personal experience!
Amanda is his “placeholder girl” He is stringing her along for safety in case he never finds his “dream girl” and if he does, he will drop Amanda like a hot potato. He is wasting her time and will continue until she puts a stop to it. She needs to leave him and find somebody who will say they love her not just “like” her.
I'd be curious to know if this guy has his career in place? If he doesn't have his career in place, just punching a clock, we have to wonder why would he be any different with her? I'm starting to realize if a man doesn't prioritize his career and health, why would he prioritize a woman? How could he prioritize a woman, if he's never trained himself to prioritize himself? I'm guessing their relationship is a reflection of his life.
Absolutely Great video. I got on yo the 'I LIKE YOU" STATEMENT. And if Amanda had 1000 years. Amanda give him a Ultimatum or get rid of him fast! Rip the bandaid off. I wasted 5 years with someone that Time is One Commodity you can't Get back. Good luck
Years ago I told my boyfriend that I chose him as my lifetime partner, but realized that he had the choice to choose me back - or not. I put a 2 year time limit on his decision, I am always so surprised at women who are willing to live in relationship limbo for years on end. Another scenario is the woman who want children, but stays with a man who doesn't want children. My elderly neighbor married a man in her youth, who lied to her and told her he also wanted children. After they married, he told her that he changed his mind. He divorced her for another woman when she was in her early 50s. She routinely talks about how much she regrets not having children, which I find so baffling.
It is always better to be in pain we ourselves chose. Now she doesnt really chose this therefore she wrote you guys. If she choses this particilar pain she would be fine with that. I would chose the pain of feeling alone for a while to then feel like nobody has the powers over my hormons anymore and then the joy of finding the partner on the same page. Bc life is beautiful like that
As always makes sense, thank you to you both✨️🕊 many of us dont feel we deserve more, for so many of lifes traumas, abusive relationships, because were disabled, bereaved so many reasons we feel we dont deserve more 😔
She is a place holder, not even living together at 2 years, FWB level relationship. How many Crises have they 'connected' over? People grow by 'loss', She has power by saying 'No/Not Enough' and walk away and she invest in herself.
There are a few dating coaches in youtube. Some “speak” for men and some “speak” for women. One common theme is that they both say “don’t chase”. And nobody chases and nothing happens. But in reality we are complex animals and someone needs to make the first move. I would change “don’t chase” as “don’t beg” instead. Just saying.
I had 16 years waisted, and called me his wife..😢but no effort put in relationship..jezus...man are really big players if we let them..please don't let him give him another month lol and that's the end of it...
I have dumped a guy after 3-4 months of seeing him almost every night and who can't do long term because he has a son on the other side of the uk (his son has emotional problems) ... and every single school holiday he wants to see his son. He has said all the right things to me to show commitment short term and I honour his commitment to his son but at the end of the day it's not my problem. I have only just realised my man will be spending all his holidays away from me as I am slow!! Not sure if I did the right thing but listening to you maybe I did!
I can't listen to these tipps on commitment anymore. I listened for years and was made to believe that I'm the problem, and somehow it was my fault to not have demanded more clarity and bla bla bla. But when are you going to address the elephant in the room - that there are less and less men with a spine who understand how to take charge of their own lives and who want the responsibility that comes with family life? Today there was even an article about a guy who claims that having children is selfish and how he is not alone with that attitude.
I've been in this type w my partner and her 3 kids for 3+ yrs. We made the decision to sell a house and buy together and merge 2 families and now she moved out and pulling away faster & faster. Pretty much looks like she just wants a casual relationship but w only seeing each other. 😔 So confused and hurt, It's also my fault for staying and trying to make it work. So hard to leave 😔 I can't take the 'Future Faking' anymore 😭
My friend was in a relationship like this-- he even said he loved her deeply and proposed-- then found out he was avoiding the last step because he was stop seeing his ex wife for the entire 2 years.
really thank you for discuss about this.. i've been there before, situationship almost 2 years but with no commitment.. everytime i try to talk about future, he always said he want to be with me, etc. his word always sweet, so i thought he really meant to be for me.. even though, his word was sweet, but all red flag already shown. he just talk with no action. but i didnt mind that, and believe he will change. but finally i got know that behind all these months, he cheated behind me.. he already in other relationship with other woman. when i confronted him, he not say sorry, not explain anything, just say he not in relationship with her etc.. after that, i decided to tell him my feeling and stop any contact with him. it was really devastated for me, because for me, cheating is my last boundaries....... but after few months being like in hell, now its getting better. even though i always think is it the right answer, but i still can see a good thing behind all of that..
If we could have adult conversations about our goals, hopes, dreams etc. then we would start to gather the information to make decisions about our ONE valuable life. I often notice how I don’t speak up for my needs and I always regret (which usually turns to resentment) not saying what I know “needs to be said”.
Love you both ❤❤ Many Thanks ❤❤❤ such amazing very useful advice which can help us find the true real love which we all deserve ...and to really love ourselves and not be afraid to be alone for sometime till we meet the right person after we really deeply re-discover what we love & need in a realionship ❤❤❤
HI both of you!! I love Audrey's take on things and you Matthew discussing these issues together. I have to say that I wish you would mention that Canadians like myself totally enjoy our Halloweens and have just as fun celebrations as our neighbour Americans. Maybe if you said North Americans would suit us better so I am just speaking up for our country? We are left out so much and I feel we need a voice as well. I am 61 and looking for my best friend and lover at this stage of the game so it's not over until it's over. There seems to be more single people at my age more than ever before, but I agree it's harder to date and I have learned so much and know exactly what I want and will not put up with. You're podcasts are the best!!
I scream-laughed when Matthew said, "..because the bar just ain't that high right now." I could take that to heart in a few different factions of my life.
He doesn't love her and it's not about behavior of her. You can't force anybody to love you. She could be the perfect woman and still not for him or she is even too good it doesn't matter in the end. Her missing boundaries are the problem
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If you find out you got on the wrong train, get out on the first stop.The longer you stay the more expensive the price.
😂 not heard that saying before , it's very apt!
Lol
🎯
Absolutely right! 💯
Wow😀get a trademark for this quote, its good! 👏👍🏻
Audrey when you speak about what the woman is going through, it touched such a nerve and made me cry so hard. How close it feels to being loved, and yet is not. The audience is so lucky to have your point of view. It’s so down to earth and gentle and understanding. It’s a good counterpoint.
Yes it's so necessary in these scenarios!
This happened to me for four years! 😢
I finally walked away. He was manipulative and completely selfish.
We saw each other just as much in her situation, but he was emotionally immature.
It was so hard because I was invested. I choose myself. I'm now in a fully committed relationship with a wonderful person who reciprocates his feelings.
Hey Jamie, going through the same thing. Let me know how you did move on
Kinda your fault too for accepting it for so long.
@@aditichakraborty2093I’m a spiritual counselor contact me for help now
I lived this relationship for almost 4 years. It was the most painful relationship I’ve experienced in some ways because I threw myself under the bus repeatedly. Once you leave and fully heal from this dynamic you’ll never go back!
💯💯
He wants her to be confused and hopeful. That’s not really a friend, is it? A friend wants what’s best for you. He wants to keep you around for sex and companionship. Not a marriage. Not a relationship. That’s super clear, isn’t it? He said he doesn’t want a relationship with you. Please, stop wasting your life and dreams on him. I know how hard it is, but he is using you.
I was in her situation and left him. the heartbreak was something I'd never experienced before. But I also grew from it and became more resilient, wiser and more beautiful and eventually wirh time found so much fulfilment and happiness. when I left him, that signaled to my brain that my needs MATTERED. I started picking myself up. I started giving the happiness that I always deserved to myself. all the things i thought i was getting from him, i realised i could give MYSELF. That alone was 1000% worth the breakup pain.
Go you👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 thanks for sharing
I legit did the same and it was the BEST DECISION EVER 🎉 So happy for you!
I have absolutely ZERO respect for time thieves who treat people as placeholders, regardless of any trauma or issues they may have. Truly shameful behavior! They know exactly what they're doing and still choose to do it, extremely selfish.🤬
Slow clap! Thank you
#Narcissists 🙄
Let your hear break so that your soul can heal. If it's not a yes, it's a no. No grey area. The longer you stay, the more it hurts. Leave and give yourself a better chance for the right person to find you❤. Been there.
😢❤
It's about me💔We've lived together for a year and get along really well, but he doesn't see me in his future. He's incredibly caring and kind, and I like him a lot. He says he likes me and is attracted to me, but we’re not officially a couple. However, we spend nearly all of our time together and genuinely enjoy it. I’ve told him we're the perfect couple-except that we broke up. (We broke up 9 months ago, yet we’ve continued living together. ) He said we're the best match. Yes, it's confusing, and yes, it’s painful. It's time to end! Thank you, Matthew and Audrey. You two are amazing!
Glad you made this decision . You deserve someone who's all in and the love!
I wish you find someone who is deserving of your love and that will give you that same love back. It's not comfortable to sustain that uncertainty, and even if you committed then he may have went back on his word later. A lot of us have experienced similar - they should never have moved in with you. Please go slowly next time and leave intimacy for later. You will meet the right one.
Prayers for your 💔to heal and like Matthew says, transformation of you, growth will give you a new appreciation of yourself. Best wishes ♥️♥️♥️
Bless you! Get yourself out asap so there's no backtracking... He will only become resentful & now has the one up bc he is playing hero despite causing the situation... Wish him well & go - 🙏💝🙌💫
There is nothing confusing about it. He is using you for free sex until he finds his dream girl. Grow a spine and have some self respect.
i was in a similar situationship for 3yrs eventually he agreed to marry me. i never forgot about the 3yrs of rejection and i never let him forget it. eventually 15yrs later he left me. even though he married me i never believed he was ever in love... biggest mistake and waste of time of my life.
Agreed! Sometimes people just go along to get along.. I had this too - marriage & kids, but I think that’s when the mask came off & he hit a wall… Unfortunately, we can’t control those who tell us what we want to hear and still waste our time…
She is not his dream girl. He will commit once he finds the girl he actually wants. Amanda is a place holder. She should leave.
@@acd1168 agreed, he's still looking
So true .I've see it happen.
@@elizabethdutton9604 It happened to me. That’s how I know. When Matthew said he will find another girl who he can do the same thing with, I’m like yes or he will find the one he actually wants and marry her quickly. My ex did that.
Such a hard reality to accept!
@@acd1168do you think they sometimes settle when they can’t find their dream girl? And marry them anyway thinking that’s the best they will ever get?
Both of you had some amazing points. Audrey you spoke exactly to my experience and asked the BEST questions to represent where I found myself in a very similar situation…AND Matthew had the perfect counter points. It was like Audrey was my heart and Matthew was my mind and I feel both so deeply. So beautiful.
If you’re reading this Amanda, I am going through something very similar and the truth - his truth, once it came to light was not at all anything I could have ever imagined. My lesson was, stop trying to fill in the blanks. No matter how much you try to understand or fill in the gaps, behavior is a language. The acceptance is terribly painful, but you WILL get through it. Something beautiful is on the horizon.
same here just ended a 7 year situationship which also involved other people. I feel so stupid and hope anyone who is in situationship will simply end the kind of endless loop. It’s definitely not worth it.
I feel very called out in this video. I was in a one year relationship with this person almost a year ago and it still hurts. I loved this person so much and still do a little, but that love is slowly fading the more I realize I was being used and that he never really loved me. I was the one seeking commitment from him and to be vulnerable and to communicate more. I thought I was asking for too much, and he made me feel like I was asking for too much. He never introduced his family to me, which is important to me. He seemed very ready and committed to me, but there were signs that he was never gonna fully commit to me. I wish I left him sooner and not let this go on for a whole year. I hate myself for not walking away, but I’m trying to see this as a hard lesson learned and to not hate myself. I thought I was mature enough to realize what I really want in a relationship and the expectations from my partner after I was abused in a narcissistic relationship before this one. I hope I stay strong for myself and the next person if they come along.
Wow! Matthew your comments about 'the loss has already happened' and the unchanging chronic pain vs the transformative pain of moving on was imo your best work yet. It's hit me hard - unfortunately my situation of almost 2 years is similar to Amanda's but a lot lot worse.
same here. 3 years situationship, left 6 months ago
Amanda, find a man who respects your time and energy, because someone who has DONE THE WORK on relationships will know what it takes to sustain that reservoir and empathise with you. If he doesn't he's sticking around for YOUR reservoir of time and energy without learning to do it himself.
I think a lot of people in these situationships pay attention to so many qualities the person has, but not the most important one: Are they choosing you?
It doesn't matter how much time you spend together, how fun it is, how deeply you connect, if you like each others friends and families, etc. They're not choosing you! That should be the #1 qualifier, not an afterthought.
yes. yes.
I always wonder why being direct upfront about one’s goal in dating should be daunting? Like saying I want commitment, marriage and family upfront. And if that person is not there yet, it is such a big gamble and waste of time to go even on the second date 🤔 why the culture changed into this idea of everything about a relationship should develop organically? Is there anything in life (if we want to do it right) that just developed organically? Or is it more with intention and dedication?
'Organically' has become second hand for 'don't expect much from me, I want to do what I want, keep my options open and enjoy the companionship and sex of a relationship without responsibilities. Don't ask for commitment or I'll feel pressured and go. Or tell you I never promised you anything'. I agree: without intention, nothing can grow between two people.
@AAPAI_24 I know right. I'm screwed. I feel like I will never get married or have kids the way dating is these days
Unfortunately, 2 years sounds great to me to figure things out and leave. I stayed for 8 and still dabbled in giving him another millionth chance. I pray for everyone going through this form of abuse. 🙏🏼
me
@@afeuer27 I think most women will put up with it for about two years. I think that why she’s at the point of asking for help now. She’s getting ready to leave.
I’m almost at 5, I watched my mom do it for 20+… 💔 I’d rather be an alcoholic
@@jennyw9656 oh my dear, I’m so sorry! I say this with all sincerity, find the love you have for yourself! You deserve better. I tell myself this everyday, and I finally might have found it and a man with intentions that match mine. You are in my thoughts! 🙌🏻🙏🏼
@@jennyw9656 alcoholics hace no life - only suffer ---
You know, even when a man says he wants marriage and you two get into a loving relationship, sometimes it still doesn’t work out in the end. But this!? He won’t even take the first step with the poor girl. There’s nothing here, only her false hope☹️☹️
6.5 months for me. The guy dates and sleeps with 3-4 other women, and yet kept saying he needs 9 months to get to know me, and I am a keeper, and that he is not ready for a committed relationship. I have decided to move on because I want a lot more and am not happy. Breaking the false hope and avoiding further emotional and health risks.
00:27:13 She is not unsatisfied, she is unhappy...this resonates deeply with me :(
Same here
Same here
@@UnitedHornetthanks for sharing. Makes me feel less alone.
@@edaakkya of course, I know there are a lot of us going through something similar. She broke up with me to "heal" (we started our relationship when she got out of a toxic one) now she's back treating everything as if we were in a relationship and after addressing it she said she felt guilty because she wants to be with me but still wants to be alone to heal. It sucks, I'm only 18 but I want a long term relationship. I hope this works out or somehow I'll end up happier with someone else.
@@UnitedHornetyou are too young to get stuck in a toxic relationship. Let them go to heal. If it is meant to be they will come around after they have healed. Stop wasting your time and making toxic memories with them when they are not ready. Especially a woman will respect you more when you respect yourself.
That’s so true. We learn lessons when things aren’t going well. That’s when you learn who are your true friends and not too.
Better to be in own company than to be with bad company that isn’t fulfilling 🤷♂️
Matthew + Audrey, amazing pair for this type of work. 💕
in the letter, shes not hot enough for him, shes just the place holder until someone better comes along.
This video is so helpful. I feel like it describes my relationship perfectly. Been with my guy for a hear and half and I feel like we take two steps forward then 5 steps back ever few weeks. He talks about our future 5 years from now but refuses to consider moving in together. He stays at my house 5 days of the week. I allowed him to become too cozy. Made it too easy to not have to give more.
So true! On her part she is hurting herself by not feeling the pain... There is pain underneath all these behaviours! And he is mirroring all that pain back to her!
I love how Matthew delicately responds to Audrey when she pushes back… Audrey, he clearly wasn’t talking about you re: the diet issue- don’t let that be a hot button.. you’re a petite beautiful woman, no need to worry or even think that’s an issue… But, we should all have a Matthew to be able to diffuse these emotional topics as eloquently… Kudos to you Matthew - I really appreciate your style & diplomacy. Audrey, he obviously has a lot of respect for you and rather than creating a situation where you’d look insecure, he stayed on topic. Not many people would or could do that… Great topic & great work! 🙌🏽🙌🏽💯🌹
This is exactly what happened to me. 2 years wasted but I’m out now and moving forward with intention and lessons learned
How did you cope with the fact that he played and wasted your 2 years ?
Would also love to know the answer to the above question as my 3 year situationship with someone who says they love me I'm finding so hard to walk away from because I feel like it has to work now because of how much time and energy iv put in to it.
I'm 39...all my friends are married so it feels like is it too late for me? Feel so so scared as I feel like he's become a safety blanket from feeling all alone and if I cut him off then il feel lonely. I work alone most of the day and live alone too and all my friends are busy with their partners and family's so rarely see them.
He ends things and runs away when I ask for more from him (I.e meeting his family) but then il get a message from him say weeks or few months down the line and the whole cycle and situationship starts again as I'm not strong enough to delete him of socials or block his number or ignore him.
@@amy9578-b3s I was in a 1.5 year relationship ( engagement) that I broke off last week. He used to ignore me for days. It was long distance. Never used to share anything. Life was miserable with him. He wanted me but I was never his priority. And it got to point where even though it looked perfect from outside, I was never happy. I wanted much more from a relationship. I wanted someone who would put me first, who would show me affection. And I knew I couldn't ask him bcs that's not how it works. So I just got up n left. Idk whether I did the right thing or not but I believe I opened a gate for someone else who could give me the type of love I want. No one has to fit themselves in a box bcs the other person isn't ready to do it. Ask yourself if he will ever be ready to provide u what u want in a relationship and if u are uncertain, maybe have a talk, if not please there are many people out there. Don't let the age make u compromise on love. The right person will always come with peace and clarity.
You really do have to find that inner strength. I started working on my self worth and realising I deserved more. I was scared too but I’ve recently met a great guy. Who has given me hope again
@@amy9578-b3sPlease block him and move on. He is disrespecting you so much. Ghosting you when you ask for more. Read yourself. Why would you want that man in your life. Picture him doing that when your are pregnant and leaning on him to show up. Love yourself. Choose yourself .
If you're constantly feeling confused two years into a relationship then you are being manipulated and lead on. He likes the convenience but you're not the one. He's using her hope that there will be more. He's gross. Get out before you waste five years and still don't get what you're looking for. You deserve more. Stop making excuses for people and using toxic empathy.
What do you think about a similar situation, being very close and intimate, bf+gf behaviour 2 months in. But, he says he's not ready for a relationship in general but wants to keep exploring
But the other person is knowingly looking for a life partner
@@nadja5154 Believe them. They honestly said they are not ready for a relationship. Ask for clarification on what 'wants to keep exploring' means. Keep exploring options with other people? Keep exploring you as a person to make a more informed decision? What does 'keep exploring' mean? It sounds very vague. Don't be shy about getting answers to your very valid questions. If asking for answers blows up the relationship then is was never going to go further anyway. Don't try to be the 'cool girl' that just goes along to get along. Be clear about what you're looking for and trust yourself. Two months is more than enough time to decide whether you think there is a meaningful future to a relationship. It's not like you're demanding marriage on the spot. You just want to know if you're wasting your time or not.
Just like the girl Matthew is talking about here, don't get stuck in not wanting to let go of something you wanted if they're not wanting it back. Every day you spend with somebody that doesn't want to commit to you is a day wasted finding somebody that does. You deserve somebody that is clear about how they feel about you and not this "why ruin a good thing with talk of the future and commitment' -- that's manipulation by somebody that doesn't want to commit but likes the situationship they've got right now with you. Two months of 'very close and intimate bf/gf behavior' is plenty of time to know. Good luck. Be strong. xo
Amanda, your story has touching me a lot. Been thru a similar situationship for a year and half. Finaly he comited and that relation last for 5 months. He ended it really drastically without any explanations and I never saw him again. That was the most painfull heart brake of my life. What I learned about that is a lot of thing.. Most of the time we have cues that we dont see and don't wanna see! To me, being afraid of commiting is in high correlation with being able to takes responsabilites. Now I changed my strategy towards dating. I put a time line of 3 months in my cell phone with everyone I meet. Time is the most precious richness that we have !
we need to be honest with ourselves and believe what people tell us . Don't see someone who doesn't want a relationship if you know you want and need one.
I honestly don’t know what I’m missing. They’re not seeing other people, they see each other multiple times each week, they travel together, etc. What’s missing? Is there something we’re not saying? Is the word we’re not saying engagement, proposal, wedding?
I guess yes..why can't he commit then?? Why is he leaving the door open?
It’s a story of someone leaving things at face value - sure the cover looks great & on paper it’s palatable, but apparently she’s looking for the next step & he isn’t willing to take that first step to admitting there’s anything at all… it leaves her in a vulnerable position. Overall, yes it’s a relationship, but not a stable one.
So he's too comfortable bc they are in a relationship.... he's also in denial a wee bit. There's a lot ofweird here, he is having his cake and eating it too but doesn't want the title.. perhaps he's got an attachment issue or is worried too "lose his freedom", waiting for someone better.... she's wasting her time. 🙄
Or he doesn't want to lose half his stuff
@@vanetheone8101 wth did that even mean? She wants a contoured relationship, to find her person. You're one jaded human and that's the energy you will recieve of that's what you're putting out
There are ways against her taking half of your stuff. It goes both ways.Just an excuse not to commit, want to have your cake and eat it.There are a lot of losers out there!
So many women need to hear this and be honest with themselves. Stop deluding ourselves when it comes to men!
At the ‘are you going to live a thousand years comment’ & already love this episode!
In the end it's about yourself. Do you love yourself and it's not what you want? Then leave. I know it's a tv show (satc) but when Samantha said" I love you but I love me more" it's a phrase which I caught for my love life. It wasn't always easy but I'm happy married so it worked for me... Also Matts song: "Limbo" too 😂😂😂
P.s. You can't force anyone to love you... When they show you how they are, believe them....
I did it for 3 and a half years. We actually went on and off for that time because he used our "non commitment " as an excuse to put it down periodically for small reasons. Nope... to emotionally painful for me. It's empty, sad and lonely to be the only one all in. When you really want to love and they just don't pick you... heartbreaking totally heartbreaking
It has been 2 years! I ended a “ real” relationship after 2 years because it was toxic, so I felt like I wasted 2 years in a committed relationship, living together…
Sending Amanda a big 🤗
This is the closure I needed for my last relationship. Thank you.
It's so easy to tell Amanda to just end things, grieve the situation and find someone new but having left such a partner at the age of 42 was the worst decision of my life because I've been alone for over 20 years! NOT ONE MAN has even looked twice at me or chatted me up so if you're young and attractive, go ahead and do as Matthew advises but if you're older and not a stunner in terms of looks I urge you to think VERY CAREFULLY about (as Audrey says) losing what you've got, imperfect though it may be. It's a very lonely life now.
I'm sorry to hear that. But have you done some therapy? Because there are lot's of "old" and "ugly" people and they get a partner it doesn't mean you are, it's just to show a point ... I started dating with 33 and always said... oh there is nobody to have a partnership... but in the end the brutal truth was... I was scared of relationship because of my trouble childhood and avoided it like hell... So, it's never too late. Hope you find a way to heal and love yourself first. Then a partner who treats you as you deserve it ❤ no breadcrums. In the beginning I fall for every bit of attention of a guy and it doesn't matter how they treat me as soon I got breadcrums. I'm now in a happy relationship over 5 years and married and now I have standards and boundaries. The funniest thing... I look better with almost 40 then I did at 20... why? Because I'm happy and it shows 😊
LIke each other? Not Love? That is not good. 2 years? He is playing games.
Beautifully and true said: it is already lost. Even sad of course.
Know your worth and be true to yourself.
Amanda. I stayed for 10 years, convincing myself he was the 1. He accommodated me, he had strong feelings for me but ultimately he stayed for the benefits I offered. That was difficult to realise but deep down I knew. He even proposed half assed 😂 to keep me longer. He thought that's what would keep me around, dangling the carrot of marriage. He did learn it was possible to keep me by promising me change over and over. I ended it, he had nothing of substance to offer me. It was all superficial. His actions proved it. Please don't waste your time or ignore what you're intuition is telling you.
matthew is a genius...and more importantly has a big heart...much respect matthew
What an excellent point about the catalyst for change (when things go wrong).
'There is a very good chance he just lets you go and this never has a satisfying ending on this level [...] He never has to learn this lesson. There is no rule in life that says he has to learn the lesson that relationships are awesome.' Excellent.
I love this good cop/bad cop you two crazy kids have going. Mathew feeds us the hard truth. Audrey softens it and makes it palatable. Brilliant. More please.
This episode is the one I'm starting my every day with since you released it. I left the same kind of relationship few years ago. But together with healing process I tend to forget how bad it was and tend to miss them lately. This episode is a very good wake up call. Thank you for that.
Maybe age plays a factor ? if he’s 25. He is taking his time but at 40 that’s bs…commitment issues
Definitely issues
I’m 4 months out of a 2yr relationship which was supposed to be heading to us living together, made all the plans etc and then he admitted he only wanted to continue the way we were. He had no intention of selling his house and just said it was personal. I was in pain with the grief of what was supposed to be our future, he walked away like I meant nothing. A complete commitment phob and at 54 still emotionally immature. I know my worth.
You have done the right difficult choice. You can't force someone to love you the right way. We just have one life. Wish you all the best ❤
Thank you Matthew for pointing out that that person is already unhappy. That's so true. There is no point in making it sound like it's a fairy tale. If it's already raw, keep it raw.
I think it's important to point out also that just because she would no longer be in this relationship --- that does not necessarily equal 'loneliness'. If this person is more afraid of being alone than letting go of someone who isn't showing up authentically, then she may be in the relationship for other reasons.
I am getting better at betting these men nowadays. I was married for 17 years with my late husband and lost him 5 years ago. I miss him even more because the men and women nowadays created this dating so called situationship and all other labels that I have not heard before. Nope. Not for me. The last got I dated tried to manipulate me into a situationship. We were two months in and because i asked questions and pay attention to his actions he has no choice but to reveal his own intentions. I was upfront too what I want - partnership/bf and not into any kind of situationship! I said my peace and goodbyes. I miss him but I am not going to waste any more of my time 😊. PRETENDERS vs CONTENDERS
Super important episode this is!!!!!! One can loose whole lives to this.
This relationship is: close but no cigar. The woman who wrote in has to decide if she can live with not having the cigar -- and for how long.
I think it really depends on your age and stage of life. If you want to be married and have kids, well, this guy won't give you that (in the current setup). You have to play hard ball and walk away! Make him miss you and see if that produces any results.
DON'T be understanding; give him hell instead!
If a man tells me he isn't ready for a relationship, he is not, and that is on me if I proceed.
I did not follow you as I got married (thanks to you in all aspects) and I m so happy seeing you being married with such a beautiful and clever woman. Congratulations!🎉
Matthew, what exactly does being a genuine team and building something together mean for you? You reference it a lot -a video about this topic would be highly appreciated❤
"It's far more likely he becomes ready by you leaving, than by you staying." It took 3 years before I found a more exciting alternative than hanging around - moving to Europe! In 3 months, he was on the phone asking me to marry him. Crazy but true.
Did u say to him u where moving? Would i really move?
I hope you told him to kick rocks. Fkn waste of time. Enjoy Europe.
Did you marry him?
What did you do in Europe?
Found someone better already?
When I was in my mid-twenties I dated a man who would not commit to me. After three years of exclusively dating, I was invited to his brother's wedding and nearly every person at this wedding asked, "Oh, did you just meet?" Yes...36 months ago. I never was invited to a Holiday, however he was always invited to my family's, and he often did not come. I was treated like garbage but was too young and inexperienced to know better. By the time I left in my late 20s everyone was already taken. I'm a helluva lot smarter in my mid-forties. I recently told a man, "I'm not a seat-holder at the Oscars: you either are my partner or you can take a hike." It works. No more time-wasting.
Def move forward to bigger & better things... as Matthew said,, how much time do you have? And, in the future, you now know what you will & will not accept. I had similar issues with my now Ex but while he committed, he pulled back on the next stages - even though we eventually got married, turned out he is avoidant and has no issue taking financial control or lack thereof creating a bigger mess... do yourself a favor and take this as your cliff note version of a Drama you don't wish to star in. Wish him well, find family and friends & move in with them... You will do great!
reading this helps me a lot. I am so sorry for you, hearing he‘s avoidant.. it‘s not easy with those people..
Thank you- i cant even have a conversation, he literally walks away from me as I’m speaking.. I’m trying not to allow the children to see this behavior so they don’t copy ..
I actually let him know that if he cannot respect me enough to face me while being in my home, then he should wait outside for the children. I don’t accept gaslighting either or whatever purpose this serves.
He likes to be in my energy but I truly believe he never wanted kids or a home… But, with his actions in the past thru current, he’s lost it all & I’m here trying to hold it together. I can only take responsibility for staying with him when I wanted to leave years ago when he showed signs of complacency, then pushed to be married to have a family… he knew what I wanted, so if he lied to simply be with me, that’s on him… He dragged it out many years too.. I think it’s partly due to being raised to love people who weren’t there for my Mom & Me - including my Father. It’s a hard lesson to learn but definitely not acceptable behavior from anyone…
As a long time watcher (first got to know MH back in 2011 and have been listening often since then). At first I missed MH-only videos, as was his original videos were. But watching this, I see how Audrey adds very nicely to the conversation and makes it more multi-dimensional and adds thought provoking questions. Their dynamic is good. It was also very funny when she asked whether MH was speaking from his personal experience!
Amanda is his “placeholder girl” He is stringing her along for safety in case he never finds his “dream girl” and if he does, he will drop Amanda like a hot potato. He is wasting her time and will continue until she puts a stop to it. She needs to leave him and find somebody who will say they love her not just “like” her.
Best to have person on a call to talk through
She has to break the addiction for herself. REALLY hard to do, but if she wants more than what he's giving, she has to do it.
so true! it is an addiction. thank you
I stayed ten years- 50% my fault. Don’t let that be you.
I'd be curious to know if this guy has his career in place? If he doesn't have his career in place, just punching a clock, we have to wonder why would he be any different with her? I'm starting to realize if a man doesn't prioritize his career and health, why would he prioritize a woman? How could he prioritize a woman, if he's never trained himself to prioritize himself? I'm guessing their relationship is a reflection of his life.
This is such a great conversation!
Absolutely Great video. I got on yo the 'I LIKE YOU" STATEMENT. And if Amanda had 1000 years. Amanda give him a Ultimatum or get rid of him fast! Rip the bandaid off. I wasted 5 years with someone that Time is One Commodity you can't Get back. Good luck
I LOVE the topic but I love Audrey is wearing her fluffy loafers more lol I would do the exact same 😂
It's because a real relationship is hard . There's so many things that have to work for you
Years ago I told my boyfriend that I chose him as my lifetime partner, but realized that he had the choice to choose me back - or not. I put a 2 year time limit on his decision, I am always so surprised at women who are willing to live in relationship limbo for years on end. Another scenario is the woman who want children, but stays with a man who doesn't want children. My elderly neighbor married a man in her youth, who lied to her and told her he also wanted children. After they married, he told her that he changed his mind. He divorced her for another woman when she was in her early 50s. She routinely talks about how much she regrets not having children, which I find so baffling.
It is always better to be in pain we ourselves chose. Now she doesnt really chose this therefore she wrote you guys.
If she choses this particilar pain she would be fine with that.
I would chose the pain of feeling alone for a while to then feel like nobody has the powers over my hormons anymore and then the joy of finding the partner on the same page. Bc life is beautiful like that
Most men know within 6 mth to a year if she the one. She got make a decision and be ready to move on.
Thank you. You have saved me Mathew and Audrey. I love you both. May God bless you always ❤!
Obviously the guy does not love her. He is waiting for 'the one'. But in case he doesn't meet 'the one', then Amanda will be OK.
dont tell me women dont use same strategy?
There are egoistic people on both sides. But if the woman wants children she just have a certain time in her life... Men don't have that issue.
As always makes sense, thank you to you both✨️🕊 many of us dont feel we deserve more, for so many of lifes traumas, abusive relationships, because were disabled, bereaved so many reasons we feel we dont deserve more 😔
She is a place holder, not even living together at 2 years, FWB level relationship. How many Crises have they 'connected' over?
People grow by 'loss', She has power by saying 'No/Not Enough' and walk away and she invest in herself.
There are a few dating coaches in youtube. Some “speak” for men and some “speak” for women. One common theme is that they both say “don’t chase”. And nobody chases and nothing happens. But in reality we are complex animals and someone needs to make the first move. I would change “don’t chase” as “don’t beg” instead. Just saying.
Try 8 years of no real commitment 😢 I feel like I have a heavy weight tied to my ankle and it never lets go.
I had 16 years waisted, and called me his wife..😢but no effort put in relationship..jezus...man are really big players if we let them..please don't let him give him another month lol and that's the end of it...
jesus - this podcast hitting hard with the real talk. damn.
I have dumped a guy after 3-4 months of seeing him almost every night and who can't do long term because he has a son on the other side of the uk (his son has emotional problems) ... and every single school holiday he wants to see his son. He has said all the right things to me to show commitment short term and I honour his commitment to his son but at the end of the day it's not my problem. I have only just realised my man will be spending all his holidays away from me as I am slow!! Not sure if I did the right thing but listening to you maybe I did!
I can't listen to these tipps on commitment anymore. I listened for years and was made to believe that I'm the problem, and somehow it was my fault to not have demanded more clarity and bla bla bla. But when are you going to address the elephant in the room - that there are less and less men with a spine who understand how to take charge of their own lives and who want the responsibility that comes with family life? Today there was even an article about a guy who claims that having children is selfish and how he is not alone with that attitude.
I've been in this type w my partner and her 3 kids for 3+ yrs. We made the decision to sell a house and buy together and merge 2 families and now she moved out and pulling away faster & faster.
Pretty much looks like she just wants a casual relationship but w only seeing each other. 😔
So confused and hurt, It's also my fault for staying and trying to make it work. So hard to leave 😔
I can't take the 'Future Faking' anymore 😭
The point made at 34.02 is the truth. Choose yourself. Let him go.
My friend was in a relationship like this-- he even said he loved her deeply and proposed-- then found out he was avoiding the last step because he was stop seeing his ex wife for the entire 2 years.
really thank you for discuss about this.. i've been there before, situationship almost 2 years but with no commitment.. everytime i try to talk about future, he always said he want to be with me, etc. his word always sweet, so i thought he really meant to be for me.. even though, his word was sweet, but all red flag already shown. he just talk with no action. but i didnt mind that, and believe he will change. but finally i got know that behind all these months, he cheated behind me.. he already in other relationship with other woman. when i confronted him, he not say sorry, not explain anything, just say he not in relationship with her etc.. after that, i decided to tell him my feeling and stop any contact with him. it was really devastated for me, because for me, cheating is my last boundaries....... but after few months being like in hell, now its getting better. even though i always think is it the right answer, but i still can see a good thing behind all of that..
If we could have adult conversations about our goals, hopes, dreams etc. then we would start to gather the information to make decisions about our ONE valuable life. I often notice how I don’t speak up for my needs and I always regret (which usually turns to resentment) not saying what I know “needs to be said”.
Love you both ❤❤ Many Thanks ❤❤❤ such amazing very useful advice which can help us find the true real love which we all deserve ...and to really love ourselves and not be afraid to be alone for sometime till we meet the right person after we really deeply re-discover what we love & need in a realionship ❤❤❤
And, Audrey, you are an "amazing partner" in this episode!
Always love your shows Matthew, and they are even better with Audrey in them 🤩
Based on observations of other people’s experiences, long girlfriend-boyfriend relationships never end in something productive. Time to go, Amanda.
I love these two so much!
Audrey is so beautiful😭😭😭
He thinks he can do better. Unfortunately, he won't commit. Leave him asap!
HI both of you!! I love Audrey's take on things and you Matthew discussing these issues together. I have to say that I wish you would mention that Canadians like myself totally enjoy our Halloweens and have just as fun celebrations as our neighbour Americans. Maybe if you said North Americans would suit us better so I am just speaking up for our country? We are left out so much and I feel we need a voice as well. I am 61 and looking for my best friend and lover at this stage of the game so it's not over until it's over. There seems to be more single people at my age more than ever before, but I agree it's harder to date and I have learned so much and know exactly what I want and will not put up with. You're podcasts are the best!!
I scream-laughed when Matthew said, "..because the bar just ain't that high right now." I could take that to heart in a few different factions of my life.
Nice talk! I agree with what you are saying about this guy, BUT I wonder how she behaves so he doesn’t want to fully commit.
He doesn't love her and it's not about behavior of her. You can't force anybody to love you. She could be the perfect woman and still not for him or she is even too good it doesn't matter in the end. Her missing boundaries are the problem
If her behaviour was a problem,he would not string her along.Just saying.
Both times I passed on the ring cornering, it paid off......