I know this "no, you're not"-thing. it's what my mum said every time I was seriously ill. To this point, decades after, I hesitate to visit a doctor when I am feeling ill bc my inner me thinks I am just pretending (although I never was).. this is really f*cked up
crazy how we can internalize those voices. When I was a boy I grew up as one of 6, and sometimes when I came home (especially when I was being bullied in school that day) I just really needed to feel like somebody wanted me around. But my parents wouldn't or couldn't find the motivation to give me the specific attention I needed on their own, so I learned to prompt them by acting out. Eventually this lead to physical punishment, and it happened so often that I internalized the voices and motivations my parents used for hitting me. So when I grew up and I was getting humiliated or beat up by some asshole, that inner me on some level said "this is okay, this is what is allowed to happen to you". Thank god for john bradshaw, hes helping me break the grip of these voices. I hope he rests in peace
I agree with most of this, but what do you do when your child raises his voice at you? I think we should all be allowed to feel our feelings but lashing out/disrespecting others isn't okay.
At least he/she has a Voice. Check to see if there could be some truth in what he says. Validate how they feel. Tell them in a normal, non reactive tone that their opinion is respected. Explain that he's free to sit down and have a discussion with you at any time. Honour him when he wants to talk. If the child raises their voice - say you want a calm conversation in which you can both hear each other's concerns. Honour their feelings.
Excellent video ❤️👍🏼 Saved in Abuse Playlist
I know this "no, you're not"-thing. it's what my mum said every time I was seriously ill. To this point, decades after, I hesitate to visit a doctor when I am feeling ill bc my inner me thinks I am just pretending (although I never was).. this is really f*cked up
crazy how we can internalize those voices. When I was a boy I grew up as one of 6, and sometimes when I came home (especially when I was being bullied in school that day) I just really needed to feel like somebody wanted me around. But my parents wouldn't or couldn't find the motivation to give me the specific attention I needed on their own, so I learned to prompt them by acting out. Eventually this lead to physical punishment, and it happened so often that I internalized the voices and motivations my parents used for hitting me. So when I grew up and I was getting humiliated or beat up by some asshole, that inner me on some level said "this is okay, this is what is allowed to happen to you". Thank god for john bradshaw, hes helping me break the grip of these voices. I hope he rests in peace
I now get it.
I agree with most of this, but what do you do when your child raises his voice at you? I think we should all be allowed to feel our feelings but lashing out/disrespecting others isn't okay.
Children are always learning, they learn from their feelings, not the intentions of their abusers.
At least he/she has a Voice. Check to see if there could be some truth in what he says.
Validate how they feel.
Tell them in a normal, non reactive tone that their opinion is respected.
Explain that he's free to sit down and have a discussion with you at any time.
Honour him when he wants to talk.
If the child raises their voice - say you want a calm conversation in which you can both hear each other's concerns.
Honour their feelings.
The cycle continues.