Selena "Who Is My Mom?"
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- Опубликовано: 28 окт 2024
- Being a parent comes with some unique challenges. Being an adoptive parent just comes with a few extra...for instance....parents have to be sucure enough in their own feelings about being a parent to their children when they start to ask the really tough questions about their biological parents. Selena is asking those questions of us now and we doing are best to give her all she needs without freaking out. Talk about it with us...
I believe you are giving both kids what all kids need the most, love and security. I cannot imagine the fear that as parents you must feel, what to say, how to say it and when. The most important thing in my mind is that they understand, regardless of their birth situation, it is not a reflection on them.
Thank you SO MUCH for this wonderful video! Thank you for rescuing these beautiful kids and giving them a loving, supportive, stable life! My heart goes out to their siblings.
It's wonderful that you are patient and accommodating of her "fairy-tale mom" while gently introducing the real story and taking care of her so well. Understandably difficult but some of the best selfless parenting anyone could wish for.
Thank you for sharing. My fiance and I are also Foster/Adopt parents and I have to admit your channel is what really gave us the push to take the first step down this path.
The 'who is my mom/dad' conversation hasn't had to happen yet, however I know the day will inevitably come. Seeing you so open and graceful about it while still admitting that there are some insecurities is refreshing.
Love and appreciate your videos! Keep up the awesome work!
I think that your family is the epitome of love, and that the two of you will sanely and rationally work through the challenges of being adoptive parents precisely because you've built such a wonderful, loving foundation from which to parent.
Thank you for sharing so much of yourselves and your family.
Damn. 7 children? 7 other children? Damn. Poor poor children.
Thank you for sharing this. Even though it’s a few years old, it’s useful for those of us that are in similar situations with our children. Having them see other kids that are just like them is really empowering. Thank you for all your family does!
I think you two are amazing parents and those children are incredibly lucky to have you both.
Great job Bryan you are so great in explaining things to everyone...esp your kids . You are a uniquely loving, caring individual.It is apparent where the heart is. I wish your were my dad. God Bless You and your Home
Hey Bryan, What a heart felt video. You're right; this isn't about being perfect. This is about serving your daughter's best interests, and feeding her the truth is something you are clearly guaging as you go along...which is the only way you can do it really. This is a process, an ongoing, open dialogue, not a one off event; don't beat yourselves up for supplying her with too much or too little information. I imagine part of the challenge you face is...
So glad that these children have a loving and supportive home. These children will grow up better open minded and caring because of their raising and I am so happy you guys stepped up to the plate!
Wow, if only more parents could be so thoughtful and caring! And thanks for considering us faceless masses to be part of your family - as such you have our love and support. I really appreciate the honest expression of your feelings towards Selena's natural probing. It's not a betrayal of you two, just natural curosity. She's very fortunate to have parents that don't get all hurt, but help her craft her story.
This is a natural part of the journey of being an adoptive parent. I think it's a really good thing for you to not let her get carried away in her "mom fantasy". She's better off knowing as much of the truth right now as her maturity allows. She needs to know that she is loved and that she wasn't abandoned or not wanted. I'm sure you guys have done a great job of conveying that to her. Some people aren't meant to be parents...you guys are!
Great job Bryan!!! I just shared this on my FB page. I think you handled this situation well. So proud of you guys!
A smart man once said that the clearest view is from afar. I don't know you guys personally, but I can see how much love there is in your household. Just keep doing what you're doing!
as an adopted child going thru a very close story to your kids(druged up mom john dad loss of family do to health and age) i can say you both are doing a great job. i found having a loving caring person in my life helped and your kids are lucky to have you both. keep up the work as for wanting to know her mom that will most likely stay there but support will help her thru it. wishing you and your family best of luck and many happy years to come
I think it is admirable how you both want your children to know the truth about their birth parents. I have a close friend who was adopted under similar circumstances, and his parents were too afraid to ever have that conversation with him in an open manner. I think that's a chip he still carries on his shoulder today, even as an adult. It made a lasting effect on the relationship he has with his adoptive parents.
I've known I was adopted for as long as I can remember, I can't even think about how hard this might be. This little girl is very lucky to have two such wonderful parents. You guys are great.
Touching video. Definitely a difficult topic to deal with, but the two of you are brilliant and I'm sure you did the right thing.
What I would have given to have had a loving father like this man. Mine always withheld it, taunting me, keeping love out of reach but insight extending it to others exclusively.
Oh, wow! That's amazing--it's the first time I saw a picture Selena as a one-year-old when she first came to be your daughter. I really appreciate the fact that you didn't sugar-coat this subject, but approached it honestly, including your own insecurities about being compared to the biological parents.
ALso thanks for sharing not only the good moments, but the harsh ones too. We all love you!
We (my husband and I) are in total agreement. We have such an open and honest relationship with our boys (17, 15, 10 and 9) and we wish to continue. You and your family have been such an inspiration to me personally, I have given serious thought about doing something to help my community, my family and others. I would like to start something along the same lines you and your family have done and become public with our experiences. Thanks for being my inspiration!
Thank you for sharing your story. My kid brother has moved in with me and my partner, due to my brother not being able to cope with the loss of our mother. He was ditching school, and getting bad grades. I'm proud to say that he currently has 3 A's +, (other grades haven't been posted yet) with prefect attendance. We all have worked hard. Just thought I would share.
That is such a difficult place to be in. Yes, I'd struggle with how much is too much also. You just have to follow your gut as to what you feel is the appropriate thing to say. It's really tough. I'm so thankful that she has such fantastic parents as you two. Big hugs to you!!!
I think all parents feel adrift at some point, but I can't imagine facing the challenges that you face with the grace, patience, and understanding that you display in all your videos. I have no practical advice but will remind you that her fantasy mother cannot and will not ever replace the love you give her daily. That's the only thing that matters. Good luck in your discussions and even though it doesn't really help, you and your gorgeous family have all my support and good wishes.
Thanks for sharing your experience with us!
I think what you guys are doing is amazing and highly respectable. In my opinion I think she is in an age group where it is hard for a child to comprehend the serious facts right now. I think it is good that she is starting to wonder what is going on about her mother but I think it is best for you guys to just continue saying that her mother is "sick" until she is around Daniels age where she can understand the situation better. Once she learns the facts, she will be thankful for y'all even more
hey Dads, I have watched you since your children were very young, I am a Gay dad with a grandson, both kids want me to date again, was in an abusive relationship for 17 years, note I said was. You both have done a great job parenting, I am very proud of the job you both are doing. Hats off to you both and your family, who says gay and lesbian people cant be good parents, God Bless you and your family. Norm
I had a less than ideal childhood. As I grew older my mom asked me several times how I thought she did as a parent. Being in a place where it was very easy to be critical, loving mom the way I did, I’ve always told her that she’s always done the best for me that she could with what was available to her at the time. In the end I think that’s all children can ever ask of parents. So as much as you guys would LOVE to put on a superman outfit & be super dad every day of the week, you already are…
You guys are truly inspirational. And I'm sure you handled this in the best way possible. Not having kids of my own, I don't know the exact difficulties. But I'm the oldest of 5, and my parents have divorced at least twice. And my siblings have questions too. You just try the best you can. Don't lie. Like you said, finding the balance is important. It's been an honor getting to see into your family. Thank you.
I think you did the right thing by just giving her bits and pieces of info on her mom
Thankyou for sharing so much of your lives with us. It does a lot of good, and I know it must be hard sometimes.
This thing with Selena must be really difficult too, but I think it's quite positive that she is asking questions. She needs to know where she came from. Explaining it to her gradually sounds like a good idea; that kind of information could be pretty overwhelming, especially for a kid. If anyone can handle it, I'm sure you two can. :)
I agree with everything you have to say but I also think that every girls needs a woman in their life growing up. A family friend, an aunt, older cousin, someone who understands being a girl. You guys are doing a great job with your kids. Keep it up!
You guys are wonderful parents and its great that Selena is so happy. I consider ourselves very lucky to have such a great relationship with Lucas's birth mom. We may have to go through the same thing if we adopt through the foster system. Just be happy knowing that your kids are happy with you, but as you know she has a right to know everything about her mom and when she's ready I'm sure you'll do a good job of explaining everything to her. Keep up they great work. You are great dads!
well Said Bryan and Jay, i completely agree! Families comes in all shapes and sizes, families all treat one another differently than another family does, a healthy family comes from a loving person or people taking care for them, an unhealthy family would be the abusive household.
You and Jay are doing a wonderful job with her. From the videos she is growing up to be very well adjusted, happy and loving little girl. Its natural for her to wonder about her mom and I agree its important that she know the reality of her mom so that she doesnt end up with some fantasy that is false. When she is old enough she will understand and also she is very blessed to have Daniel with her and he can help her in years to come to understand more about her mom. God bless!!
hang tough boys, I know you can, you are SO caring, SO thoughtful and smart and balanced, I wish I had you as my parents, you always inspire me.. I guess I've been waiting for a moment like this to see what would happen, and you seem to be standing the test! tight hug!
I wish you ALL the very best at this time. You's have been wonderful parents, I'm sure you can help Selena through these times.
You are doing a "AWESOME JOB"
Really good job, I was inspired about you saying that you know your doughter is happy and that's all counts for you!
I am a single lesbian adoptive mom of 2, and a foster parent.. My kids are now 5 and 6, I've always been open with them, and like Selena, they see foster kids come and go. You're doing exactly what you should be doing with Selena. Don't ever tell her that her mom didn't want her, just that she couldn't take care of her and God gave her to you.. Maybe someday her birth mom will be someone you can introduce her to.. my kids birth mom finally did get clean and is doing awesome! You guys are great!
You guys are such good parents. I'm just glad that I get to see a little of what amazing people you are and how great you handle parenthood as gay men. I can't imagine how difficult it can be at times, but you get through it so gracefully. I know that you are your children's role models.. but you're mine too. Much appreciated.
Thank you for talking about this. I share custody of my grand daughter with my son (her mom is out of the picture). Now that she is 8 she is asking for more reasons as to why her mom is not around. It is helpful to hear what others say to there kids.
thank you for those video, they make me dont feel alone and scared.you just like a light for me to face darkness in the world. your family show us love,giving and caring. i love you all and pray for the two lovely children.
today, i suddenly want to listen "i have two father" its a great great songs. warm to my heart, to everyone heart.
It gets better, thats all i believe.
This video made my heart break. I hope that Selena knows that was special and that you and Jay picked her and Daniel. I know that right now she's probably really confused but I know that yinz guys will love her no matter what. I'm glad that she gave ya a huge hug.
I'm only 20 and honestly don't really know what advice to give you in this situation. What I can say is that it's beautiful to see how much your care for your children. It's obvious that you want the best for Selena. Hopefully one day if I become a father, I can give my children as much love as you both give to yours.
Guys, you are the best, this question is my nightmare!
I'm not yet a father, but i strongly want to be the father! So best for you and your stories!
I think you guys are doing the right thing by being honest in I-understand-sized portions.
You obviously thought things through and act from the heart.
There are two things going on at the same time: she realizes she's been adopted and wonders where (who) she came from and she sees the discrepancy between her family and others around her. She will figure it out with your love and support.
Poor little Selena. What a precious girl, it's so difficult to think of you guys and her in emotional pain. I think what is important is that you're going through it together. I would say most little girls create dream images of who their moms are, even those who live with them. And the eventual reality is rough. Of course in Selena's case, it's torturous. I can't imagine the difficulty of intentionally have to curtail a child's dream. But age appropriate truths sound like the best move.
I think you probably did an amazing job explaining. As a woman that graduated high school in foster care, I know Selena and Daniel's end of it. It's hard, but eventually they will understand.
Hugs
So far I have not related it to her mom but plan to talk about the subject a number of times and about a lot of aspects of it. Later we will let her know the struggles he mom has had. I guess next will be a talk about jail etc...
Thanks again for your post. I like the language you use, like, "her story". You guys rock!
You guys are amazing. Thanks for sharing your life with such honesty.
[continued from previous post] My mom was great for this, she never lied to me about anything (except Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, etc. which I actually think shouldn't be taught either), and always tried to find a way to explain things to me, and I am very grateful for that because it really facilitated my mind to grow and think for myself without being confounded with contradictions/inconsistencies. Now matter how much the truth may hurt, in the long run we suffer less by facing it now.
Wish you all were my neighbors. People of good character make good parents. You guys are both.
You are the best parentes anyone can have, so don´t worry at all about them, they are going to understand everything. Besides they both seem a really selfless, kind, happy, mature kids, and for what I see I´m sure that they are gonna be two really beautiful human beings.
you are always there for her. while she's growing she will be happy that you guys are there for them. as of now she really want to see them. but since she knows that she is adopted, she will be one of the happiest kid ever. im am jealous for you guys that you have a family.
Just saw this video. Very heart felt.
Selena and Daniel will grow up healthy & well adjusted thanks to both of you!! Just think of the tragedy involved if their biological parents raised them...These kids would have grown up having major Mental Health/Dysfunctional relationships/Substance abuse/physical abuse/gang banging/violence/etc. as they they reached their teens or sooner. This is why both of you are my hero's! In my eyes, you saved the kids from all of this! I wonder if they have been curious their Ethnicity and culture?
You guys are awesome parents. Just keep the lines of communication open between yourselves and the kids. Wishing you all lots of love, peace, strength, wisdom and happiness in your journey through life. This world is a better place because of all of you. I wish more and more people can see your videos and movie. Best Regards, Anthony
I think you two are not only great parents but amazing. This put me in tears but only because I been just in the spot your daughter is. I'm not a parent I do hope to be one day tho. I keep telling both my parents I don't want to know about my birth parents truth is some days I do I just want to hurt them asking and I'm almost 25 now. I wish so bad I could hug the two of you. Sorry it's hard for me to say more I'm still very much in tears so touched.
I'm adopted and I imagined all kinds of crazy (positive) things about my birth parents. I thought that that was just because I was adopted, but I later learned that my non-adopted friends sometimes imagined that they were adopted so they could have a fairy-tale past. My parents were great. My real parents were my adoptive parents. I also later had two wonderful step-parents (when my parents divorced). People always remark how much like my parents I am which I get a kick out of.
(Continuation)
because we never want our kids to suffer, so you are doing just the right thing by taking one step at the time. Remember always that the answer is always in your heart were your love for your children lives. Love you guys.
P.S. Sorry for such a large comment.
To begin with. I would like to express my gratefulness for creating this wonderful vlog and allowing us to become a part of your daily life as LGBT family. I always salute both of you and the entire family for this courageous act. It is indeed a remarkable endevour. I look at this point of your life as a family transitions. It so normal that since Selena is adopted she is longing for answers to her questions on her histories as we may call. I also acknowledge your fear of being loosing the focus on both of you as her parents. But i know you guys will give her the fairness that she deserves, whatever it takes. I know Selena was inculcated with your love, compassion, and understanding that a child deserves to have more than the tangible things. She is very fortunate because you are her parents. So, I would like to give you an encouragement to discuss with her about the history of her childhood. Whatever the results may incur. because i believe that you've been and always be a good daddies to both Selena and Daniel.
Wow -- what a tender story. No suggestions for you because I'm not walking in your shoes. I can't believe, however, that being honest is ever the wrong answer.
Since you are so thoughtful about the issue, you seem to be having a great mixture of head and heart in helping Selina.
I'm going to adopt when I get a chance. I believe you two do amazing things for Daniel and Selena. I do believe you're doing the best thing you can for them. Especially Selena when she wonders "Where is my mom" or "Who is my mom" I agree with you how Selena is trying to paint a picture. I believe when she's older she will understand more. She knows what all you and Jay are doing no matter what, even if you don't think your kids truly understand, they do they know what you do for them daily LOVE.
Very proud of you! I know it is hard for both of you. Bryan, you did an awesome job, I am sure!
I firmly believe that no one (parents or otherwise) should lie to children, because if you lie to them and they learn the truth later, then they lose trust in who lied to them, and that's not what you want as a parent. The flip side is that kids can't understand all the complexities of the truth and that's understandable. But if you put some thought into it, you can always find some way to give them some kind of simple explanation that will be good enough for now.
I know one day your children will look back at their lives and know that they were truly blessed to have you guys as parents, I know you will always love and support them and I think that's all children want from their parents- support and love
Great video, that must have been a hard conversation to have with her. I liked Jay's "good job" at the end of the video.
Being gay is difficult to live with as it is... being an adoptive gay parent is also another difficult thing to live with.. But we have these sort of not so idealistic lives because it's who we are and it's what makes us happy even though it's a TOUGH life.. so I take my hats off to both of you for EVERYTHING that you've done and still is doing and for being the RIGHT parents for both Selena and Daniel.
thanks for answering! love you guys!!
First off, have a lovely family. your children seem so very happy and so very well adjusted. I was adopted when I was a baby. My parents were honest with me from the get go. Before I could even walk or talk, I knew. they told me every single day. they also told me how extremely special I was, because I was choswn
I think its only natural she ask questions, while I am only 21 myself and have no children I believe you two are great parents and her questions will be answered along the way. They are both loving wonderful happy healthy children, that's all that matters. Maybe someday she will meet her "mother" and see how lucky she is to have the both of you. and remember, you are their parents :)
Watching your videos, you two seem like awesome parents. You do more in a 7 year old's life compared to other parents you've been raising a child for 18 years.
I know you'll keep being this way and I hope your children will not be penalized for having two wonderful, loving fathers. Remember, two great fathers beat a bad mommy & daddy any day. :)
Selena is very lucky to have you guys as parents.
I always see this things happening on tv, so I never took it seriously. I can see how hard that can be and I got a little scared, because I wanna adopt a child some day. I may not be lucky to have a family so connected like yours and my child decides to run away. I know Selena may get hurt, but she's happy with you two and I think she will always want you guys to protect her as you already do. I know it's hard but I'm sure that you will get through this.
Hi Brian, well i do understand how she feels, because when i was a kid myself, i always fantasizing about the relationship of mom and their kids. i know that my brother is the only family that i have until he pass away. though i saw my mom and dad, but never felt the love from them. its really hard, but you are there on her side.
You are doing a great job, just keep on doing what your doing and you wont go far wrong .
Well done Bryan, I think you handled this very well. I think it sucks that as adoptive parents you have to feel like your child has the option of their biological parents, but you're both doing an awesome job.
sad,lonely,and hurting inside,that she may not have had good parents,like you two, that could help her.This way Selena will learn to feel compassion and sympathy toward her mother,not anger and resentment.If you go to church,or even at home, you can let Selena say a prayer for her mom.There may also be some good age appropriate books at the library on this subject.Try not to worry to much.Both of your kids seem well adjusted.The two of you are the best thing for them.God bless you all!
When you said that Selena and you were blowing kisses and smiling, and that you realized that Selena is happy, you almost make me cry.
Aw, you did the right thing. The less you tell her, the harder it will be for her later.
I dont see things as age appropriate because Ive seen adults react badly over news of bio-parents. It comes down to "what" you share and "how" you share it. You two know your child's mental status & Im sure the explanation is backed by absolute love for your child. I can safely state that you both are two parents I highly admire because I see the love you have for your children & the love your children have for you both; their dads. They will be amazing adults because of you two.
you guys had a amazing job on racing and molding them well.for selena its ok to tell her the truth but maybe in right time and right place.she should old enough to understand what happen to her mom or where she is now.but i can see that daniel and selena both happy with you guys.thank you for sharing a lot of great videos that inspired me to have a great family someday.keep up the good work.love you guys..xoxo
Those children need you guys
She's young,as she becomes more mature,you can tell her more.She will always come around to the both of you, for the unconditional love you give her.Don't worry ,she might at sometime want to see her mom,don't encourage her,only because it most likely won't be anything like how she envisions it and she will be hurt,but ,.If she ask's for help,help her do it the right way ,She will always,consider and love you both as her parents,she will always be their for you guys.Don't worry guys!!
People change. Sometimes. I think you two are a pretty great upgrade. All the best.
hey Brian and Jay i think you both are doing a great job at being good parents to Daniel and Selena. just tell them the truth a little at a time just dont ever lie to them even if you have to hide the truth never lie they will remember it and will hold it against you. just continue to raise them the way you do and they will grow into the people they are meant to be.
...about wanting specific information. Her fantasies aren't linear: she won't build on them, they will wax and wane and change.
Answering as you have I think is perfect, just enough and not too much. You can give more detail as she grows older but it's also perfectly okay to say "I don't know darling" if you just dont have an answer: you're not perfect or superhuman!
There is also the perceived maternal/nurturing and paternal/take-charge qualities - I think you guys have plenty of both to offer!
As much as it feels like it, and as wonderful parents as I perceive you are i'm sure you don't, but don't ever take these sentiments personally, bubz. The younger they are, the harder it is to understand that their biological parent couldn't care for them. "She's sick" is the best and most loving explanation you can give until they're old enough for the truth (although it is the truth) (16-20, don't wait any longer, resentment shall fester.) I've only ever seen truth as a cure to confusion.
I think you addressed Salina's question very well, Bryan, given her age and maturity level. I'm sure these kinds of questions will arise again as she matures. Honesty is always the best policy in my opinion. I think you and Jay have done exactly what you needed to do. Now just let it be.
David
You guys are amazing and Selena and Dqniels biological family must be strong ro be so loving after so much pain it's a gift towitness your family so thank you for this
Being an Adoptive child I know what that is like. I had my Birth mom but never met who my real father was or even if he is till alive. My whole life I have grown up questioning this. Especially when my grandmother or mom would always say I remind them of my real father. So I always thought he was great man kind, loving, caring, and understanding and gentle because that is who I am. I know what Selena is going through and I am now 33 yrs old and I still wonder what he is like
To start,your children are beautiful.The best advice I can give is to be honest with Selena,let her know that sometimes grown-ups make bad choices.That even though her mom loved her every much, that because of her bad choices, she had to give Selena to someone who could make good choices for her.Let her know how hard it can be to give up drugs.That she might not be able meet her mom until she is an adult.This will keep the window of hope open for her,yet not give her any misconceptions.
i m so impress for every thing that you guys do for your kids, as far as i am concern, its better for them to know at the beginning who they are in your life, what ever the case may be, it make easier for both of you, and it make them love more, because the more they grow the more they know who they are.
This is an amazing video.
How much do you think Daniel is able to remember? Do you think that he has pieced together an accurate picture from the stories of the kids you have fostered? It sounds like Daniel tries to forget, but can't help trying to figure it out. If/ when are you planing to sit him down and tell him the full story?
Hi Bryan and Jay!! First I want to say thank you for sharing your lives with us. You guys have a wonderful relationship and seem to balance each other out well :-) Second I want to say that i think your two kids are adorable, and they really seem to love you guys so so much. Are either of of them closer to either of you individually, or are they close to you each equally in different ways?
Ah ok. Well that's nice :-) It sounds like you all have very special relationships with each other. Thank you both so much for being such great role models for us!! I'm a 34 year old gay man, and I don't really have a desire to have children of my own. But, it's so nice to know that there are great couples out there that show all the naysayers what great parents we can be. I AM an awesome uncle, btw!! :-)
as you say, this conversation was bound to arise eventually and there's no 'easy' or 'right' approach. Selena seems like a bright girl, and she already knows herbfamily situation differs from that of herbpeers in school. She is probably also aware on some level that there is still more to learn. Hope you guys are ok