Ep. 95 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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- Опубликовано: 22 авг 2021
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Today on 2 Bears 1 Cave, Bert and Tom discuss pool bathing, Bill Cosby and the worst types of hecklers. After that, they guys talk about Dax Shepard, Bert's surgery and review the odds of dying from various things. Lastly, Tom and Bert discuss the balance of alcohol and work, then look at some old photos of Bert drinking on a morning radio show.
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"Ashton Kutcher says pools count as showers. I'm almost certain, don't quote me on that but im almost certain, 100%, allegedly, he said that." Is the most Bert sentence ever.
Imagine Bert having to testify. The jury would literally hang themselves.
*Kootcher
You beat me to it !! Hahahaha so gooood this guy is ridiculous, I can smell the BO and pool water from here
Just like when he made up seeing Michael Jordan play in Orlando.
@@Ironman829 LMAO!
Bret is that one friend who's already thinking of what he's going to say while you are talking and you can tell that he's not listening and just waiting for you to finish/find the perfect time to cut you off 😂
😂😂😂
Aaaaa hhhhhuuuuunnnnnnnnndred percent
It drives me crazy tbh
That one friend is also my brother it drives me crazy
“ Yeah we’re actually going to shoot a live sh..” “IM DOING 85 SOUTH! 🥴” -Bert
My brother in Feburary was diagnosed with Stage 4 Sarcoma cancer. Went through absolute hell for six months. Completed some of the hardest rounds of chemo this month, just got back the scans this week. HE'S CLEARED. There's 0 cancer detected! In remission! His doctors are SHOCKED. To go from terminal to remission is a miracle. Hearing you guys tell your cancer crowd work story made me cry laughing. Thank you for sharing.
That's awesome, watch for waspis.
Thats so awesome! Your Brother has the Mickey Mantle gene too🙌💪🧡
❤️❤️❤️❤️
THAT'S AMAZING! My husband was diagnosed with Sage 4 colon cancer in April and he's getting pummeled with chemo. Scans on Monday 30th! MIRACLE PLEASE!
Glad your brother followed proto!
Bert: “How bad do I need a left arm”
Tom sitting there clearly with his left arm in a sling: *starts to fake cry loudly
Bert: *misses the joke and continues to talk about himself as always lol
This podcast should be called “Tom Listens”.
I may have laughed way too hard at this. Thank You😅
This comment should be on every past episodes comment section... oh wait!!!!!!
🍆👄
That's why Tom Made a separate podcast called Tom Talks
@@zz3n428 yeah I always thought that was the point of the name of that show. A nod to the fans of this show
It's Really Starting to Get Annoying 🙄🙄🙄
Bert's gonna lose his mind when he finds out there are people that shower before and after getting into the pool
Literally, even olympians take quick showers in between dives
@Delete Me Again Fgtz chlorine dries TF outta your skin but dudes who don’t use lotion or anything like that don’t give AF about it staying on their skin
😂😂😂
Like I do!
Didn’t you know that when your hair turns green from swimming too much it means it’s extra clean?
I love how for the last three weeks, Bert has had surgery "tomorrow."
You do realize they sometimes tape multiple podcasts right? Just cause they upload the same time every week doesn't mean they just recorded it
@@JaMeS.648 : You do realize that they (Tim and Bruce) SAID they were banking podcasts. Bruce started out the second one with "Well, my surgery is all healed up." - "I'll be honest with you folks, we're banking a bunch of these so that we both can get our surgeries and other things done for a while."
- It doesn't make EwokPanda wrong to point out that again this week Burt's surgery is "tomorrow." They must have recorded x3! on the same day. I was wondering why Bert hasn't been drinking during the show so far (trying to crank these out first half of the day).
- Tom is a saint, listening to that manchild babble for 90 min. x3 or x4 in one day?!?
Patience of a saint!!!
Haha
@@JaMeS.648 wwwwwwwwwwwwwl wlwwwwwlwwww lol m I know you ohave w
@@JaMeS.648 you are so smart! Glad you realized it so nobody else would have to say it ever at all, which totally
would have happened if you didn’t save the day
Berts stories are like reading a “choose your own adventure” book from cover to cover.
Hahahaha
Or mad libs
Perfect!
Having ADHD and being coked out.
Do not insult my favourite land mammal, Birth Kreature
Bret says “Ashton Kutcher” like Kevin from the office
Still better than how he says Ben Affleck
Wait, they aren’t the same person?
i agree with Simon he is Kevin from the office just more excited probably do to ADD meds that obviously aren't working for the ADD part but lil pep in his step tho
Or Maclnernie!
“Coocher”
Bret "and he died two months later."
Tom *cackles uncontrollably*
What a perfect snapshot of their friendship.
I almost spit out my coffee that shit was hilarious
The build up of Tom's laughter was what got me. What a lovable psychopath
I feel like if Tom wanted to talk more he would. I think he genuinely likes listening to his friend
Tom watches torture videos and people getting crushed by cars. Of course he enjoys the trainwreck that is Bert.
As someone whose mom died less than a handful of years ago to cancer, “There’s no stage 5,” is a solid fucking line.
you're a king for still having a sense of humor after that, much love dude
@@samhorton2887 Preciate you, Jeans.
@@TheJunkle9781 sending some good vibes your way ✌️
Keep your head up. You rock.
Agreed 💯.... Same Boat Here
Sometimes giving Bert an ad read is like sending a blind kid through an obstacle course.
LMFAO
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Don’t quote me on this because I’m not sure but I’m 100% certain he might of said that pools definitely count as showers. I’m certain of it”
UHHHHhundred percent
And of course, Brent can't go two sentences without referencing himself four times, even when talking about others.
Alcoholic’s confirmation lol
Allegedly
Fav quote of the episode!
Two of my easiest Monday activities:
1. Breathing
2. Spotting a completely bullshit story Bart is concocting as Tim is trying to finish a sentence.
Tom just laughing and making faces at Brett's brain and how it works is top shelf comedy
"When you're a big drinker you have so many side effects on a daily basis that you just go, well I guess that's cause I'm an alcoholic" - Brett out here spitting wisdom.
Bert admitting he’s an alcoholic, albeit through a joke. Seems like an interesting development to me
duuuude this shit was monumental.
This tickled me 🤣
I relate to this
@@raceboyboy He mentions no longer drinking a few times in this episode. I think we're seeing the cracks where the light gets in.
I like how a nuke would hit the US and the pod wouldn’t talk about it for 2 months because of all the back logged episodes.
Tom: "Buy your Woop, summer is right around the corner..." (It is the end of August NOW)
“I do Sebastian GREEAT.”
Doesn’t proceed to DO Sebastian.
Bert using his cat as his ‘canary in the coal mine’ after leaking propane into the house - had me in stitches! Never change Britt Krystls
I'm impressed by Bert's ability to throw himself under the bus so consistently
It’s actually impressive
@@squidsquid2296 yep no joke here but it is funny
27:14 ... 🤦♂️
Well said😅
Tom laughing at the stage 4 bone cancer guy is amazing. I spit water all over my work computer
It's beautiful🤣
“I’ve been dizzy lately”
“Wait is it cloudy outside??”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Tom: "You're not going to get brain damage."
Bert: " I don't feel side effects from things."
Tom- “You’re not gunna die, you’ll be fine.”
Nidav- “clip it”
Nadav*. Put some respek on tha man's name.
@@commaJim
Nuhdahf
*Native
@@jacobaldrich5511 Nadav*
“Jamie pull up Tom predicting berts death”
Imagine having a legitimate alcohol problem, you call a colleague up for support, then you see the podcast where he says "at least im not that guy". fuckin bert, that was the most casual piece of shit move ive seen him pull in while. I loved it.
Also, Bert IS that guy.
(How many times have we heard stories of him "spiraling out" and wife or friend or other person had to talk him down...)
Bert thinks that guy was a loser for calling him drunk to get positive feedback. Meanwhile, nearly every podcast Bert suddenly decides to aggressively facetime someone.
Right in the middle of the Dax Sheppard story I get a Hello Bello ad. Perfect timing.
Who knew as soon as Barf started that 85 South Show story knew he wouldn’t finish it? ADHD is strong with this one.
Like trying to lasso a cat high on acid
@@blainebrown8824 Who's on acid the lasso Person or the cat?
@@JessicaCale8 the cat
@@blainebrown8824 that's significantly more dangerous 🤣
Wow. Trying to piece together what Bert is actually wanting to say whenever he is all over the place telling his stories has become my Monday mental workout. Please never get your shit together Burnt Kreischner. I need this.
You are staving dementia away, one monday at a time!
Bruce Kreischer!
Plays us all like fiddle my friend, he’s genuinely funny and is aware of his short comings and owns them
I just wanna know who texted him at 4 am wanting respect lol
As funny as this podcast is what makes it so good is that Bert and Tom are actual friends and it shows. Makes it so much better than so many other podcasts.
Bert saying "Can I just say" might be one of the most pointless and rhetorical questions of time.
Of course you can....and you will, after wandering way off point 7 times while intermittently hipacriticaly correcting himself every 2 mins.
Hes a joy
BIG LOVE TO EVERYONE IN THE YMH CLAN
Nobody cares
Get a life
👖 ❤️
HEIL MOMMIES! 🤚 👖
@@codysmith7456 your loose jeans are showing.
Tim wants Bruce to take more showers in 24 hours then he has in 2 months.
I take more showers in 5 minutes than Bret does in 6 months - one.
I think I’m starting to feel less sorry for Bert about everyone getting his name wrong. He butchered almost every name he said in this episode.
Alllllways 🤦🏻♂️
100 percent
Koootcher
Tattoo
It’s so sad that Brent seeing someone who’s alcoholism is worse makes him think he’s fine😂
I'm guessing the call he got was from John mulaney. The way he talked about the call then went right into talking about alcoholism and his own problem makes me think so.
I also found it interesting that hed bring it up publicly like this when that person very easoly could see it and get a true first hand reaction of how he actually felt about it.
I can't wait until Tom discovers the Milk Crate Challenge. That's gonna be an amazing episode.
I want Barf to do it
I was literally thinking of this earlier before I even started the episode lol. Gonna be a classic
I strive for the same level of confidence Bert has when saying "Rob Macelnerny".
Bert being afraid he might kill himself. My favorite moment.
30:54 the way tom looked up when burt said " do I even need a left arm" 😂
“How bad do you need a left arm” - Bert
While Tom is in a sling
I like how Tim had to make a separate podcast just so he can finish a story…a factual story too
41:40 you can tell Tom actually cares about Bert’s worrying that’s so sweet
This podcast should be called “Bert justifies his alcoholism”
At this point, I don't even CARE at all about his alcoholism. I just want to hear a story with a beginning - middle - and an end (all the way through). Whether it is Bert or Tom telling it, I give up, either one is fine.
Right now it has been: (Tom) beginning (Bert) oh...beginning of a different story - sidetracked to the beginning of another - comes back to the middle of the first - oh,oh,oh "remind me to tell you about this totally other story..." (oh, google xyz) starts new story, but "needs to set it up first"....
Bert: I have super bad anxiety
Also Bert: let me FaceTime this person I barely know completely out of the blue.
It makes more sense when you realise he's constantly drunk.
People’s anxiety are different some people shut down and some people put on a show
It’s a different type of anxiety homie
3 minutes in and we already have found a Bert-ism " Ashton KU-tcher". Oy this is going to be a good episode.
Or tetoos
Then the full on stroke he had reading the policy genius ad. 🤣 So glad I wasn't by my phone to skip that chunk of ads. Lol.
He deserves to have his name mispronounced. Dude says "Ben uh fleck"
Hey this guy sounds like a total J
100% allegedly
27:18
"You gotta put a bell on one of them!"
Tom dying inside to his best friend is what this podcast is for. Explicitly. Tim figuring out more secrets about Bruce lmao
Great of Bert to tell the same 5 stories he’s told on every podcast for 100 episodes!!
Alcohol is a hell of a drug
22:52 Tom laughing here is classic
We need 100% Allegedly on a shirt.
Bert: “ Don’t quote me on that. I’m almost certain. 100%, allegedly.”
One of the only times TOM has been able to retell a story! How neat. Thanks for reminding us of the shirt story.
Bert: "You gotta put a bell on one of them." 😂
Brent heckling before being a comedian is the most Brent thing ever
Dude get his name right its Bruce Krinkler
@@tacoman6293 Its Bert Krishna!
@@bobbyknuckles6380 Brent Kavanaugh?
@@tacoman6293 Brock Kleshnar
Bepis Khrist
I love when Bert talks about Ashton Kootcher.
And wanting to get tutoos
I have nightmeers about Ashton Kootcher getting too many ta-twos. ::click click::
And his buddy Rob Moochaehlhonny
@@robertfrost8264 just got to that part 😂
@Delete Me Again Fgtz it’s 100% rob mcelhenny from its always sunny. Bert was in Philly to approve the final seating and stage setup for his Netflix special which was taped in Philly in March @ the Trocadero. He just happened to fly in the same Friday that was the Eagles Super Bowl parade in February. Rob is a die hard Eagles fan, so he also happened to fly in and do a spot on WMMR the same time that Bert was there before going to the parade (Preston and Steve’s morning show is on WMMR). IIRC Bert was only in Philly for like 5 hours total that morning.
Is anyone else dieing laughing at bert being genuinely scared.. 1 in 4! LMFAO, thanks for that Bert I needed it !
* dying
The confidence that Bruce says funnest with reeeeaally grinds my gears
"How does a normal person get cleared for surgery?" --- You just use all your pto and lose your house to medical bills. No biggie
Land of the free huh?
Thank lord for Canadian free medical care , fuck America- controversial opinion
Divided states of america
Uh no you set up a payment plan with their billing dept. If thats not paid for several months it just goes to a debt collection agency and most of them never get paid either
@@kristiskinner8542 ive had smallish medical bills that allowed payment plans that I can hardly afford. And I make nearly $10 over minimum wage in missouri and I have 3 roommates to split bills with. So tell me again how its manageable or fair that failing to make those payments should cause me further pain and loss due to a BS credit score? When I lived with my gf, i literally would deny myself 99% of things i wanted and bought 4 yr old devices to save money (before I got a better job)(still do btw, bc I try to be frugal). You think an alien species would look at that and think its fair?? They'd probably think its cruel and barbaric.. js. I know Americans have it pretty good comparatively, but that doesn't mean its good.
When Bert said "bikes!" was so stinkin cute... they love each other so much. haha
Tim laughing at the dead guy is peak Tim
Tom: I'm doing with a live show with the music guy you lik-
Bert: DO YOU KNOW WHAT *I'M* DOING
A live show with?*
@@FlyGuy_1525 hi Bart
How does Tom still seem to have a grasp on how us "regular people," and the majority of people still are, but Bert is completely delusional. He can't understand how regular people get cleared for surgery, or how regular people function daily with a busy schedule, or showering, eating habits, drinking habits... it's like Bert has lost touch with reality yet Tom remains grounded when he's arguably the more famous of the two.
Tom's a grown man. Bert's a child and is enabled to stay that way by his successes in life (money, wife, friends, fans).
Bert didn't get like this when he got successful, he's just never been in touch with reality since he was born
I don't think it's arguable actually it's pretty clear cut lol but I still love that out of touch, less popular, brice kashner
It has nothing to do with fame if you ask me, it has everything to do with Tom being a functioning adult member of society and Bert being an eleven year old who happens to be extremely funny.
I think he also plays it up for the bit and for hyperbole sake.
Well, my aunt was 1 of those 107 this weekend. RIP Toni. Love you and miss you.
Nice to know Kevin Hart trusts Bart enough to call when he's feeling down in the dumps. Keep your chin up Kev
Lol I'm not sure that was kevin.
I think he actually slipped a little bit by saying "dot dot dot". I bet it's a guy with a three word name. For example, Dean del ray.
@@austinarnold155 Louis C.K.?
Bahahaha! I was thinking Chris D’Elia but maybe that’s a reach.
@@wendysh7357 I was thinking Delia too! Although I know Chris doesn’t drink.
Dax should be on Tom talks so Bruce gets even more jealous
“Go to my Twitter. Or his. Or mine would be easier. Maybe Instagram. Scroll down. Down. Further. Wait, go back up. I know it’s there. Well, maybe, it’s…eh, fuck it, I’ll just tell you” is my favorite podcast!
I miss the guests.... Most never asked anyone to look up anything. They just had a funny conversation.
Comedian who called him was Theo right?
Edit: I didn’t know there were more people involved. My theory is they are all Theo.
It sounds like something Bobby Lee would do
@@TiMmAiR nah Bobby has khalyla
Another episode of: "I know I've already heard this."
Complete with both intrinsic and external adds.
Keep it up boys.
Bert: “guy with bald hair”
That phone call Bert was talking about definitely sounds like something Bobby Lee would say 🤣
Or Theo. Dude has serious self confidence issues. Chris Farley was like that. He'd ask his comedy friends... " Am I funny?". The most talented people tend to be mentally tortured.
He's friends with Bobby Lee. Sounds like something he'd do, but doesn't fit the story.
Not a chance its Bobby or Theo, Bert was astounded this person had his number; for perspective Bert has called both Snoop Dogg and Steve-O, the man is way more deeply connected than he pretends to be.
Tom also worded it incredibly cautiously and made sure to cut Bert off.
Its definitely like a "real" celebrity, altho probably an ex-celebrity judging by the content of the phone call.
Edit: I think its Louis CK or Bam Margera.
The irony that Bert can't see anybody else's name right and his name never gets said right
I love it when they have a whole episode of just telling each other the same stories they’ve told each other before and still dying like they haven’t heard it before
Bert Kreischer is Tom's "cool guy" friend that he can study up close
😂😂😂😂 have to agree
Tommy is a great expert surgery guide. His routine is on point
Nadaav¿ laughing after Bert says something and then the cut to Tom in any episode is my favorite thing about this podcast 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m kinda getting the vibe it was Theo Von calling Brent in Serbia crying and seeking approval…..
you think so??
Can't wait till Leanne's trainer Rex takes over as new Co-host
that made me spit my kool aid
@@s_a_n_e thanks buddy, that made me feel all warm and fuzzy
LMFAO! "Wait what's Alzheimer's?"
Bert, if you don't remember, we might have a problem.
The irony is amazing lol
i thought the same thing at first but maybe he meant what's the death from Alzheimer's? 🤔
He meant, what's the odds of / death rate
Tom w/ guest!
Tom with guest!
Tom With Guest!!!
TOM WITH GUEST!!!!!
No more burnt!
No More Burnt!!!
NO MORE BURNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a native south Floridian Bert being scared on lightening is RIDICULOUS I know the kind of storms that happen constantly in FL
Haha. The amount of things i thought were wrong with me and then i stopped drinking and eating shitty food and then was like “oh i’m miraculously healed” lol
The blind dude trying to heckle burr and his response was epic 😂😂
"you're all fuckn blind?"
... the fact that we fans have to remind ourselves of ACTUALLY funny stories while watching this... (◡﹏◡;) sad.
Never heard a better English speecher than good ole Bert
“Red Rocks September 8th. Cleveland, Ohio-those are the big venues I’m playing.”
Beautiful last words Bert 😿
Bert knows his brand that's for goddamn sure
23:04 Tom's laugh when Berts telling this story is giving me joker vibes
Not only is Bert a hypochondriac but he legit almost killed his family because of propane and propane accessories.
He was clearly smoking an inferior tobacco
That boy ain’t right
"Propane propane" - Jim Lahey
"I care if i drink, that's what matters to me" hit me 😂
I died at Tom pointing out Berts floss on the table! 🤣
"Rob MacElnerny" God Bert is a national treasure.
imagine getting introduced to this guy from listening to preston and steve. he would literally talk more than kevin smith but of course it was always funny as shit
Hilarious considering how everyone fucks his name up
Bert: I'm afraid of lightning
Tom: Wanna hear a story?
Some of the best Burt content I've ever heard (other than 2B1C and his specials) is when he would do Elliott in the Morning. I would be crying laughing in my car so hard that I'd have to pull over
You two makes every ones life better!!!!! thanks !!!! Prayers Brothers
Leave it to Bert to punch up a story with “yeah he had cancer”.
I am almost certain, 100%, allegedly enjoying this podcast.
Love the way he gave Bert a hard time at the very end. He walked off laughing.
The reason Burnt Krishner "doesn't understand" people who can't stop drinking when they have responsibilities is he is fortunate to never have crossed the line between "problem drinking" and actual alcoholism/addiction. Those of us who suffer from the disease don't enjoy missing work, or isolating, or losing friends or ruining our lives or contributing to the ever more destructive downward spiral of depression, anxiety and destruction. This is why addiction is considered a disease that needs treatment. Very few, if any, addicts desire or originally intended the actions they find themselves taking once they are far enough down the addiction path.
Not mad at Bert, it was just a topic that was glossed over and it's important for the general public to attempt to understand the insidious nature of the disease.
woke up, saw this and thought well, ill start my day with Barts ramblings
the injuries are working boys, almost 1 million mommies
Wrong podcast
Bear Cubs**
Bert has been torching me with these podcasts lately. I got kicked out of my school's library because I was laughing so hard. XD
BERT ON 85 SOUTH SHOW!! My day has been made. That will be the funniest podcast this year! I’m happy af, hope y’all tune it!
Bernert’s ability switch topics is second to none