Это видео недоступно.
Сожалеем об этом.
Why Didn't They Talk to Us BEFORE They Cheated?
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 19 авг 2024
- By the time we learn of the affair, things have often progressed to the point where there is no going back. Why didn't they open up to us BEFORE things escalated?
Lisa, the fact that you would react about things is no excuse to not to share with you.
A reason why likely most of them don't speak up before their affair is because they just want to do what they are doing. They aren't going to talk to us for all the tea in China, because they are busy racking up excuses why we don't understand them and can't be talked to. When I found out about the first phase of his affair, I thought this would be a way for us to finally start communicating meaningfully. We never had before. Any trying to talk to him before he'd put up walls and play victim claiming I was picking on his for his faults. He'd just try to turn it around on me. We did talk more than we ever had for awhile, about relationship issues, as we'd always talked, just never about anything important to do w/ us. I tried to get him to counseling and to try a number of affair interventions. He did none of them. Some of the interventions were discussing it w/ a good friend or family member, and then to be accountable. Discussing whatever complex feelings he still had about his affair partner, as I knew I couldn't handle that. He claimed he would, but was full of excuses why he couldn't talk to a friend, because they didn't have that kind of relationship. He had no problem bringing his gf to this same friend to show her off when I found out again though. So really, it was just excuses.
When I relaxed a bit after months, he just went right back to his affair. By that time, this is just the way it would be w/ us if I was stupid enough to keep him around. I kicked him out.
It sounds like you made a wise decision.
Did you take him back? Hopefully not... I see you on other videos as well...
@@SaystheTruth3 No, he's been out 6 months now. We have limited contact, because I'm in the house we co-own. His gf dumped him and he's half assed trying, but no thanks. Do you mean you've seen me comment in Lisa's other videos?
I’m going through this too. My husband has cheated on me with a 19 year old (I’m 63, he’s 55). Together for 34 years. We haven’t had a good relationship for many years. He is avoidant narcissistic (just my opinion) and I put up with him ignoring me for many years. He’s asking to try and save our relationship, but I just feel hate for him at the minute.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 ok well that's good.
I think it was Marriage Helper. I was on there as well.
Mine was a combination of the last two- he was ashamed and he was trying to fix it before I found out about it. Unfortunately I did and it was painful but everything happens for a reasonable.
You are correct that it painful and can be an opportunity at the same time. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I’m really glad I found this channel. It’s like you and I were in the same exact situation. I’m barely coming to terms with what just recently happened.
Going thru divorce right now, but my ex said the same thing. That I didn’t make a safe space for him but I think it’s a distraction to make themselves feel good about themselves and blame us for their deed. They’re not kids and should speak up regardless of the situation. He used me for my money, immigration and everything else and when he didn’t need me anymore, he started cheating. Exactly the month he became eligible for citizenship. His parents were also in on it, I found out later. So I don’t accept this excuse especially when he had yelled at me in the past for something else I did. It’s a smokescreen to make themselves a victim.
That sounds so incredibly painful. I am so sorry you're going this.
Plus, now I'm helping others:)
That's awesome :)
I left the house last week of January 2020, divorce was final last December, my situation was very similar to yours, through out last year your videos helped me so much, now that have done so much research, i understand why she's acting that way, especially after talking to a person that was very close to her throughout her childhood and teenage days, I found out some things about her, it all makes sense now. Thank you again for your guidance. God bless you.
seems to me like “ dont kill the messenger “ stigma. they dont wanna be the one to break the news especially cuz gets them too close to that word accountability.
Hi Lisa. My ex wife cheated 2 years ago with someone I didn’t know. We stayed together but signs of her relapsing with a different person(one of my friends) were showing a year later. We did counseling after her 1st affair and I did my best to understand her but I would often emotionally flood. She left me because of my flooding and called me emotionally abusive. She denies there was a 2nd affair yet after leaving me has become best friends with my former friend. I tried to have open conversations post affair but the truth was she didn’t really want to be with me. Is she right my flooding was emotional abuse or was my flooding her excuse to relapse?
That's impossible for me to judge. However, I doubt that it is that simple where it is all one thing or another. Flooding is a tricky one -- while it's completely out of our control in the moment, it is our responsibility to learn how to regulate it better. When we're flooded, it's impossible to have a conversation, respond rationally or even allow space for the other person. The other piece of that is that if we're not comfortable with our emotions, we cannot handle other's feelings either. To the partner, this can feel dismissive and even come across as rejection.
And it is also true that of someone wants out of a relationship, they will often accuse us of things or exaggerate a situation in order to give themselves the comfort of an excuse.
It totally sounds like an excuse to blame you. Betrayers are full of excuses why it's your fault, the repeat betrayers anyway. That's how they justify the cheating. It can't be them, it's you. If she was truly sorry and willing to take ownership for how horribly she hurt you, then you'd be validated and allowed to vent. The ones really serious about loving their partner and willing to become faithful partners again will go through whatever you need to go through. At some point you do need to be able to talk more effectively, but their response to you really does help we the betrayed to calm down after awhile.
Affair Recovery has some good videos on this on YT. I used to watch them, even w/ my ex back when we were supposed to be working things out. He went back to his young mistress after I calmed down and even apologized for my part. So now Lisa has been more helpful since I kicked him out. It's still brutally hard in the aftermath. My ex says he regrets he didn't work it out w/ me. Not sure how though since he's still w/ the girl. It's such a longshot it ever can work again w/ these people that find excuses to cheat.
Over reaction, judgemental that reminded me of my mistakes