Cole, you've helped me realize that men have a MASSIVE problem...: To many guys get all their interaction (romantic and otherwise) from their phones and screens. So when a young lady comes along and actually speaks to you, you have no choice but to fall immediately. Your brain registers it as a a scarcity and so it begins to "optimize" for her and obsesses. Thank you for your content, brother! You're a huge inspo for everything I create on mine.
I've caught myself doing this so many times, eventually I just had to brainwash myself and actually find some goals that fired me up where even if I did have an interaction with a girl I would literally appreciate the convo then go straight back to thinking about what my next step in my goals were.
Tbh there's nothing wrong with limerance/infatuation as long as you 1) use that energy to actually get to know the girl one-on-one, and 2) don't ruin your life jumping through hoops trying to please her
This is because in the US, and this is video is made by an American, men and women don’t have true friendships, at least not ones where there is nothing expected of each other. In other countries, men and women talk and engage with each other in social settings. At parties, events, and get togethers, you talk to people you know you are not planning to get into bed. Just to socialize. That never happens in the US. You only talk to the opposite sex when you want something from them.
Bro I feel in love in one cashier, she's the first woman that I was ever actually attracted to. Feminine, my type looks wise, kind and innocent. Real wife material. All that being said I got rejected. But ever since that I gained 10 lbs of lean mass I'm gonna count that as a win.
Ugh I needed to be called out for this. I was at a climbing gym and this woman caught my eye like no one ever before. I wasn’t planning on talking to her, but she was struggling on this one bouldering problem that I thought was pretty hard for a beginner like me. She fell back from the wall and saw me smiling at her and approached me with “have you ever not been able to do something you’ve done last week?” I thought I would be panicked, but it lead to like a 5 minute spontaneous conversation and it felt like we were on the same frequency for the whole thing. She made me laugh and I made her laugh, and apparently we had the same taste in music. I didn’t even know her name but it felt like we were talking like old friends. This happened a few days ago and I still can’t move past this moment. While I’d like to keep talking to that woman, I realize I really shouldn’t obsess about this, because in reality I have no idea what she’s like.
Your first mistake was even having that conversation with the woman. You could have easily prevented all of this multiple times. 1. You could have ignored her and not looked at her, ignore her struggling. She'll figure it out eventually. 2. You could have been cold with her and ended the conversation very early on, like give her one worded answers and have a resting b**** face. That second point has come in handy many times before and women simply stop the conversation and even turn cold.
@@UserRobot215 ?? I’m not regretting having a good conversation with that person. I’m just realizing that I’m lingering on this one moment and obsessing over it. Sure, limerence wouldn’t be a problem if you don’t engage with anyone, but even this video wasn’t saying anything negative about having any sort of contact with a person. Limerence from what I gather is all in my head and I want to fix that “easy to fall in love” part of myself and also even have good friendships within the opposite sex.
@@UserRobot215 you ain’t wrong lmao I respect your opinions but I’m trying to be less avoidant in social situations. Isolating myself and denying others’ advances on me (whether platonic or romantic) have been miserable, and I’m positive that stoicism and self regulation can exist within the context of having a casual conversation with people, women included.
This relates to me as well. Very hard not to fall in love easily when you get rejected over and over again. I’ve felt invisible my whole life even though I keep trying to improve my self but still not enough.
This is very relatable. I'm 31 and on the autistic spectrum. Despite having had a few partners, as well as having occasional experiences with dating/sex, I get more rejections than successes. I was always the weird one around women. I would romanticise myself being with them, rather than pay attention to my insecurities and finding proper solutions to past traumas - eg. emotional abuse, bullying etc. It's the case where everytime I fancy a woman, I envision getting her to meet my family/friends, partake in her special interests, get her into my favourite bands/movies, have all the kinky sex in the world with her, get stoned together, move in together, marry and start a family. I blame the media (also porn) for having these unrealistic expectations of finding the perfect partner. It's like your life is so shit that you're looking for that special someone to pull you out of the misery and lead you to the promised land of freedom and eternal happiness. Happened recently with a girl I liked. I'm an actor in my spare time and this girl I liked has been in a few plays with me. Great actress. Great person. Found out she has a partner. All good, we're still friends, but I was mad at myself for romanticising shit with unavailable people. It made me think long and hard about what I actually want to do with my life. I'm in my 30's and in order to fully love myself again, I'm aiming to: - Travel the world and see what it's like. Meet new people, have new experiences. - If the acting/screenwriting thing doesn't work out for me (always happy to have it as a hobby) , then I want to give back to society and help people. I.e. set up a service for men and help them to deal with their mental health issues, while promoting the positive sides of masculinity: bravery, courage, protecting others. I've done a lot of crappy things in my time (especially when it comes to dealing with women) and I aim to be better and do better. I'm getting there with the help of a good therapist. I also have good friends and the acting hobby to help calm things down. The occasional gym helps too :) Plus, I'm also dealing with the fact that I had a porn addiction and this massively played into why I was unsuccessful with women. Blocking sites from my phone and laptop has done me the world of good :D
FWIW, make your 'self' the centerpiece of your story through this stage. Work on self-esteem to begin with. Enjoy doing your own thing and the company of yourself. Other good things will just follow. Don't suffer or beat yourself up more than necessary. Wishing you the best!
I'm on the autism spectrum and limerence was a terrible blight on my mental health in my teens and 20s. It took me until age 30 to finally stop feeling limerence for women I liked but only wanted to be friends. At 30 I'm finally starting to date and not get enraptured in the fantasy of someone all because of things in common or sexual activity. This is because I put my well-being and my passions first. A relationship can wait, and is merely an enhancement, not a goal.
Same man! Romanticising relationships with a woman is not the way! Best to focus on yourself. Kinda what I'm doing, even though I would like a meaningful relationship with a woman and to start a family!
I'm not a guy but I was doing this too. Loving too hard, too Quick, doing wife type things for a person that didn't even deserve it; all because of the love that I wanted. Loving the way that I wanted to be loved when that love wasn't there from that person to begin with. have to be careful because there are narcissists and other toxic people that will take advantage. Love yourself and remain in that place of self-love
It comes with experience. Once you talk to more women, it becomes more natural, and you no longer even think about it. For me now, I've gotten to the point that first dates are just a fun way to get to know and see if you're both compatible with one another. There's literally no pressure at all. I do miss the rush and the excitement of getting a date, but now it's just second nature to me. I don't fall in love with women unless there's a physical and emotional connection. Hence why I can handle casual relationships, but I still long for the emotional connection of an actual relationship which is why I'm done with hookups.
I’m the opposite. I’ve been wronged by so many women that I just want to hookup and only see women as short term pleasure and nothing more. I don’t feel that nowadays women want relationships and when you do get into one there’s more of a chance of getting seriously hurt and let down. After a while of getting hurt so much you don’t want to touch the stove anymore.
Wasted 3 years of my life in highschool over someone through limerance. Was convinced she was my twin flame. Id turn down other girls because I liked her. Luckily, I found an actual girlfriend my senior year and got over the other crush.
Media conditioned a lot of us to believe love comes as easy as existing, that it was fated, that the purest love is non-transactional, that we are bound by red threads of fate or all these corny things. I was disabused of that notion for over fifteen years of my life. Now only the lesson remains.
I agree that having an understanding that healthy and loving relationships don't come from fate, there's a reason why those old stories and fables like the red thread of fate exist. Because the chance of meeting someone who you have the chance of connecting with on such a deep level is so rare that it feels like it has to be fated when it does happen, even if that's not really true. One of my favorite songs is about this whole idea of that one person out there existing and just living their life, and knowing that you will probably never even meet them.
As a 16 year old who’s never had a gf and who’s practiced and caught himself in limerence (multiple times), this hits really close to home. Thanks for the vid, I needed this.
@@stackthespartan1920 a smart man learns from his mistakes, a fool never learns from his mistakes, but a wise man learns from other people’s mistakes. I’m 23 and have only just realized limerence was my problem. Be the wise man and learn from my mistake. Keep your mind focused on where you need to improve and you will.
I’ve never really experienced unconditional love. I am a 20 year old male and even though my parents care about me they always had their own issues. I have always had a hard time socially and never really had any friends. I do believe I’m self confident, but I also find myself making imaginary versions of real people in my head because what I wanted was to experience what so many people called love since I was (and still am) curious as to what it’s really like. I have no clue how to start a relationship or how to find someone who likes me or to find someone I like even, and often I feel lost because of that. I hope it works out for me and I can find a place in society, because it’s been really hard having to do everything alone. Thank you for the video!
It’s important to note that I quit porn 4 months ago and I started doing more self care routines, and even though I don’t see any improvement in my social life I have seen person improvement in my own health which does feel good
Man, this reminds me of a funny story during College. There was this cute girl who I was convinced was attracted to me and it was a bad case limerence. But, to be fair, the way she acted around me would probably lead any guy to come to that conclusion, so I don’t think I’m fully to blame. For starters, she was the only person in our classes that would say hi to me when I entered the classroom with a wave and a bright smile. I didn’t think too much of it at first, but her insistence on being that cordial made me feel singled out. And then, one time as I was walking back home, she spotted me on the sidewalk, ran up behind me just to surprise me with a greeting. We even had a small chat before she left home. Now, I don’t know about you, but when a gal runs up to you eagerly in public to say hi like that, then clearly it’s some form of seeking attention. At this point, I was convinced she was into me. Limerence began to hit hard so I decided to build up the courage to ask her out. So, what happened? Well, the next day, her BOYFRIEND shows up at class!! 😂😂 I was embarrassed in the inside, but also super relieved knowing I dodged a bullet there, risking the embarrassment of misreading the situation in front of her and asking her out lol. To this day, those interactions have me super confused. I don’t know if she was being just friendly, but insisting of saying hi every day, or running up to you in the streets isn’t typical behaviour for an uninterested woman. Who knows? Maybe she was just a super outgoing person, that’s all. Funnily enough, her behaviour around me changed immediately when the BF showed up. She never acted as friendly ever again 🤷🏻♂️
I think she really was into you, at least a little bit. Sometimes a person can have a relationship, but it's more that they've settled down for someone, and they're not really ready for that, but they could definitely use some love, to just explore it and experience it. I think the best thing, when you meet someone like this, is to go in without expectations, and then see where the feeling goes.
When you're young, you fall into limerence because you have no experience and think that this silly crush is the real deal. When you get older, you fall into limerence because this girl is the first girl that you've been interested in who has had any interest in you whatsoever in years. It's impossible not to immediately fall head over heels, which of course, will turn her off and make her reject you. Once you get over that heartbreak, when you finally find the next girl that's maybe interested in you, years later, it's guaranteed that despite your best efforts, you'll also fall for this girl immediately, which again will push her away. It's like a guy who's been kept in a nearly airtight box for years, then is finally allowed to breathe. Of course he's going to immediately gulp as much air as possible, even though he knows that doing so will make the air completely disinterested in him.
Youve uploaded this at the perfect time for me. When I was a freshman in high school, I met a girl and I became infatuated with her. Its been 7 years since I've overcome that and realized why I felt that way. But now two days ago, I met another girl and I almost fell into that same rabbit hole.
Shit man you're so right, limerence is even worse when you're not out constantly dating, because you strike lucky every once in a while and then get infatuated even more. This video helped me realise how many of my crushes/flings have been out of limerence, damn I need to better for myself
I can't believe how lucky I am to see this video now. 2 days ago I met this girl for the first time, we were playing volleyball then chatting and in that brief time I created version of her in my head. And the next day I wake up with this strange feeling in my heart and all I just want do is spend time with her. I visualize us hugging, talking and all I think is about the future of us. But this made me feel useless, I couldn't work, I was pissed at everyone and was unhappy in real life. I started to look for answers of this sort of feeling and everything I read about love didn't really correlated with what I experienced and BOOM your video pops. I can't describe with words how grateful I am.
I’m a woman, but this is still super relatable . I got hurt when I was younger too and I started creating all the fantasies of a guy in my head and would only be attracted to men who were emotionally unavailable and it was exciting bc I knew it was going to end from the start so I felt a sense of comfort . But of course I just got hurt more and more bc I still got attached and tried to chase the only difference was that I already know he was going to leave so it somehow made it exciting and depressing.
Oh my goodness this just explained everything so clearly. Someone broke up with me recently and I realized I never showed my appreciation when we were together, a part of me thought that he would just automatically know that I really cared about him, but I realize now that i never really showed it. Feels like I fell for the romanticized version of him, rather than the realities of who he actually was, he showed many red flags but I ignored them since i was so caught up in this fake fantasy where i thought he was a nice guy. I realized in the end that i just felt unhappy, and always confused from his actions. I had idolized him (ik i shouldn't have) into this sweet gentleman when that was not who he was at all. Thank you for helping me notice the difference.
Having lived through that during my High School years, I wish your videos were around back then. I think that your input may potentially save thousands from being heartbroken. Great video; you precisely delivered the essence of the topic.
Bro I was literally about to send an ultra risky text to the girl I like wtf💀 I'm head over heels for her and I've known her for only about two months now.... maybe this is a sign Edit: Aight f*** it I'm gonna do it. Wish me luck boys 💀
@@dropkickthedecepticon4009 WE DID IT BOYS!! She told me she knew I liked her and here I was thinking I hid it well😂. I've invited her out for us to really talk it out but from our conversation things are looking good! I can't even believe it💀💀
I swear, trying to feel loved after a traumatic childhood feels like a dog chasing its tail most days. There's a woman I've been in limerence with for YEARS and I'm painfully aware of it, but can't seem to shake the feeling no matter what I do. I know she's essentially just a stand-in for the love I am apparently so incapable of giving myself, but I still get completely tongue-tied in her presence. I was watching a video about Disney's "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" recently and honestly I was always a little sad Quasimodo and Esmeralda don't end up together and assumed it had to do with his physical appearance. But this commentator casually says, "Esmeralda chooses Phoebus over Quasimodo because Quasi treats her like an Angel and Phoebus treats her like a person" and OOH was I ever shook!! It's still messing me up, but he's right. We gotta treat the people we love like PEOPLE, or we're being unfair.
To avoid things like this, I stand by the rule that I won't date anyone I'm not friends with first. Every girl I've ever had an interest in has been a close friend for some period of time. I don't like dating upon first meeting someone, I feel that is a recipe for disaster most of the time as you don't know anything about them nor if you have similar interests or hobbies at all.
Thing is most of our fellow men arent genuine with friendship and just hover for an opportunity at sex. Where as most girls are grown to just hang around a guy that will spend his money to entertain them and give them an experience. So hence the rule of guys and girls cant be friends which overules the exception and is more prominent in the adult world compared to school life Most girls arent groomed to like hobbies we guys enjoy and some none sports hobbies are gate kept from girls by our fellow men for different reasons.
I really thought I was going crazy and really needed to basically reset my mental health thinking my obsession is so much and no one is like this. Good know this is what I am feeling and I am not alone. I do need to fix it though
Hard mark against myself in my 30s. This still happens, and rather than viewing someone as a person, putting them on a pedestal is the norm. The girl you see can seem like the ultimate salvation, but if you're not whole, you can never truly be reliable
I needed a video like this 15yrs ago. 😩 Been there, done that, healed a lot. Not the easiest and especially not the most common path people choose, but the most rewarding imo. A lot to unfold, to unlearn, to unpack, to come to terms with, to relearn, to understand…it’s quite a journey! But keep trying and going everyone-you can do it! ❤️
I am happy to see this because I (kinda) realized this several months ago about a failed relationship I had 4 years ago(side note : I was 12yrs old back then and pretty similar to you, but not that long)and saw that I loved the concept about her more than her as a person and grew dependent on her till it eventually failed which it was doomed to.Glad to see this and thank you for this video,god bless y´all.Amen
Hey Cole, I don't usually comment on RUclips (I'm a serial Lurker), but I felt very strongly about this video and felt like posting. I'd really like to thank you for making this video and drawing awareness to this. I had serious issues with this and did not learn about this term until I started my mental health journey in January 2022 after having a mental breakdown that related to one of three major experiences with limerance that I have had in my life (this one was the most intense and began upon meeting her in November 2021 up until arguably a year later well after we were in contact). I've had a lot of negative experiences in my life ranging from homelessness, child abuse (physical and emotional, mostly from my father), child neglect, some pretty bad rejections, lost two brothers who died due to health issues, etc. By the time that I had gotten my shit together financially I started dating but I would go from partner to partner and, like you said in the video, I would essentially bail at the slightest sign of incongruency with the image in my head or even due to feeling like I had to open up about myself. It got to a point where I realized I had to stop dating other people and, as weird as it sounds, date myself. I deleted all my dating profiles December 15th last year and spent the last 7 months or so first rebuilding my relationship to myself and then my relationship with others. Only now am I getting back out there and I no longer experience the limerant feeling that often, but even if I do I have developed the tools to address it. Long comment but this was the best and most easily consumable video I have seen on this topic and I think that there needs to be more awareness of this so that people can have the tools to enter relationships from a more wholistic place. Keep up the good work! *Returns to Lurking*
Yo thanks for sharing! I’ve been a lurker too but I recently found the mental improvement part of RUclips and I’ve been trying to be more vulnerable with strangers like in this manner. I think I have been relying on limerence in my past relationships, and I mentally check out whenever the relationship doesn’t take the form of my fantasies, romantic or not. It’s definitely not intentional, but I was absolutely responsible in communicating these mismatches in expectations and reality to my ex partner. I have always been the shitty and entitled one, but honestly I didn’t even know what it was that I was wanting. It feels like I would have wanted unconditional love, but I know I was too scared to be vulnerable with my partner and hid things from her. I don’t want to make the same mistake again, and I really want to get to the root of the problem. Anyways, I’m glad to hear that you are doing better random RUclips commenter :)
So much of this is relatable and on point in my own life. But from the opposite. I don’t fall in love easily and fight it and after I learned how to love myself I was open to loving someone else and it’s worked out between us for 3 years now. After over a decade of not dating and swearing off relationships.
Limerance- when your ideals of your crush having the dream qualities u want, overshadows the reality and character she truly is to the point it ruins you...I deeply needed to know this
i discovered the word limerance today, and my first thought was "that would be a great band name." its already taken. i hate life. i dont care about love, i dont care about sex, i dont care about food, water, or air, all i want is to start 2 dozen bands with sickass names that have never been used before.
I really needed this now. There's this girl who I've known for a while, a good friend, and I'm having strong feelings for her. The problem is that we have completely different ideologies and mindsets. She represents everything I stand against, but we match so awesomely in personality and sense of humor that it's too easy to forget why I never asked her out. I would've done it right after the day we met if I didn't know that the worst thing that could happen was her saying yes. Now, I have to be around her on a daily basis, pretending that everything is fine. But I'm still standing. I will continue to focus on my objectives, and some day I'll find someone who's truly worth it. I can wait; my goals can't. Good luck, brothers and sisters 💪
If you like her so much, don’t compromise (as you where saying), but is there a way you can have a conversation with her about y’all’s beliefs? Because maybe y’all can talk and change each other’s minds on things threw good conversation and then you’ll be on the same page 😊 I know it’s unlikely, but if you like her so much, maybe you should just give it a try and see what happens
I grow to understand myself, my actions and other people's ways of thinking more and more with each upload of yours. In a way it does feel like a psychology lecture hahaha. One thing I really liked about this video specifically is that you were totally honest towards the end when it came to explaining your own experiences. Doing the simple things like "writing down bad intrusive thoughts and replacing them with something positive" really help. Hopefully someone out there that is struggling with this exact problem finds this video and gets their gears going a bit. Thanks again Cole 🙏
i have been guilty of this for my entire life, and still am at 36. the biggest example is this girl i met a couple of years ago. i met her through a friend and i asked him if he knew if she was single. he said she was, and told me that he would set up a get together with her and our friends, so i could chat her up. i didn't see her again before a couple of months because there was always something in the way and we couldn't arrange this meeting. then i see her again, talk to her a bit and ask her out. she agreed and we went on a date a couple of days later. but between the time i met her and the time i saw her again though, i couldn't stop to fantasize about her. she was one of the cutest girls i've ever seen, seemed really modest and friendly and not an attention seeking social media rat, so i was more and more interested in her without even talking to her. then during our date she told me some things about her that i absolutely cannot accept in potential partner. the sense of disappointment was endless. then we stopped seeing each other for other reasons, but i can clearly remember the feeling of seeing the illusion i had about her, crumble in front of me.
I was in one toxic relationship after 1 month of friendship, with a girl who was really depressed. I wasn't ready for it because of my own problems and I didn't know about her problems before she became my girlfriend. I think in that moment i really wanted to have someone in my life who will really love me and care about me. So after 5 months of tiredness and many attempts to help her with no progress, I broke up with her and now I feel really great. I learned my lesson and your video helped me with that, thank you 😊
I'm a woman in my 30's and struggled with Limerence my whole life. It's been quite the journey let me tell you ooof 😅 now I'm able to recognize it and gain more awareness and help myself more when i find myself going into that trap
Ive started my healing journey, it feels good. I havent conquered all of my time wasting habits but im much closer than ever before, and im thankful for it. I dont play video games or watch adult content, i dont have social media and i dont try to go hard finding a romantic partner. I just take each interaction as it comes and continue to look for that person that i just click with
The only unconditional love you can get is from parents who should love thier children not based on their worth. But unfortunately not everyone is that lucky Also, I used to think unconditional love is true love, which is false. Because unconditional love comes from parents, not partners. conditional love is True love with respect, trust, care and boundaries. Which is necessary for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Thank you :/ I’m in this situation right now where I feel everything you said but was able to kinda snap out of it and realize something about all that fantasizing wasn’t good for me. It’s crazy to hear someone explain it like this.
Exactly what i needed to hear exactly when i needed to hear it The cycle you described has been my life for the last 3 years and its caused a lot of hurt and grief for me An extremely eye opening and succiny video that described my mindset better than i could myself Thanks Cole :D
I fell in love once and dated that girl for four years, ever since we broke up, I never fell in love and rejected everyone and just stayed by my self. And I don’t understand why, I’m over her, but for some reason I’ve hurt people who liked me because I’ve become so bitter and I feel like I wanna be alone forever and think marriages and relationships are stupid, help? I’m seriously broken and confused. It’s harder to the fact that my dad is an Iraq war veteran and is hard on me and has mood swings. I have lots of friends but feellonely, I started eating better and exercising well and getting bigger for my own happiness. I’m gonna come back to this video later or when I’m down
You are right! Shocking, isn't it? I have the same mistakes. I ALWAYS idealised girls I had a crush on, but let me tell you from my last year and the beginning of this one. Last year, I went to university and I met wonderful people, but one sticked out. She was a shy girl, and I developed a huge crush on her. Not right away from the appearance, but from her character. We spent the recess together, laughed, and quoted Spongebob and Drake and Josh Episodes. It was perfect. Little did I know, I couldn't go along with her other side. We made lots of projects together but when the semester free time came and we had to finish these projects everything collapsed. She went to concerts and home. Fine, but she didn't even answered my messages. While she postponed, I was doing our projects. I am the complete opposite of working type btw. So her messages got less and less and I asked once if we could do a call. She replied "No, you will just scream at me 😭" (I nearly cried at that moment because after the great time we had she just ignored me). The next day, I was depressed, I cried so much because I thought I lost "my right partner" and just because I couldn't stand her working moral. I used one box of tissues just for the first 2 hours of the morning. We'll, eventually, I got better, but this taught my to never ever idealise someone. Then shorty after I got In contact with a girl from Tinder. This time I tried not to act like a simp and just texted her once a day. And the chemistry was on a good way. I remember one evening I got my semester grades and I wasn't happy with them. They were fine. I passed, but I didn't saw a reason to be happy about it. Then we texted a bit and I told her about that, and she replied that if I wasn't proud of myself, she is. At this moment, I put my phone away, thought for a sec and cried. A girl, I barely even know, said that she was proud of me. After that we texted about a date and we both were very into it. Sadly, university was time consuming so I didn't had the time, I wanted to have. On days I had time, she was booked off and vice versa. The date planning went until one day, I didn't got an answer, which I noticed one week later. She blocked me. Well, I certainly couldn't understand that. Despite we had a good chemistry and were planning a date. I wasn't sad but just confused. This lesson sadly taught me that I cannot trust potential partners to 100%. Because there will always be a time when I will have to suffer. I didn't had any crushes since then and I'm afraid that I won't trust future partners anymore. It's not a particularly good thing when I'm in a relationship, but I always have the thought in my head that one day, the relationship will be over and she will make me suffer. Good thing, I'm now looking more for myself and try out new things like gym and cooking etc. If anyone of you wants to help/ criticise me, feel free to reply.
That's awesome brother, working on yourself will not only make you more attractive, but it will get you to a point where you don't need to rely on another person for love. Your failures make you stronger, and you seem hella strong to me 😁.
Young women have this random element to them, there is no escape. I went through a much similar experience to you, brother, I'm in university and I can relate. One day you are good friends, the next you get ghosted hard. And this is just the surface of bad experiences with women these days. Just hope I don't become a misogynist with trust issues until I finally meet someone decent.
Im the same case only my mindset results are different. Out of 8 girls was interested in i was only lustfully attracted to 1 and another one was friend first approach practically filled the girlfriend criteria minus the sex ( similar mindsets, some common ground in things we like) i was addressed as boyfriend on 2 occasions but we never went offical since she had to go study abroad. That was in the last year of community college though. For the second example my experience with her is the bench mark i use as it regards assessing wether i genuinely like the character of a prospective partner for long term as looks alone rarely entice me unless she close to my height and girls shorter than my mom are invisible to me. However university showed me harsh reality that most girls only stick around if you are quote on quote popular guy and probably arent genuine with friendship and just want to 1 dimensional cheer leaders to hype you but not really care about if stuff hits the fan. From that i never really had drive to fix myself up for relationships and caused a few set backs in my self improvement.
God I wish you uploaded this video a month ago, I proposed a girl I knew for like 2 months and she rejected me. And it freaking broke me, I was fantasizing about her day and night, she is artistic and thoughtful. Now we're not even friends, now I'm regretting.
This is a great video! I believe the steps in this video can also be used for other types of relationships. I about 6 months ago had really hurt my best friend by projecting who I had believed they were onto the person they were in reality. I had tried to force them into a person that I believed was “right”. I really regret some of the my actions and the things I said, but it happened, and that is something I will not be able to change. But, by taking the time to properly reflect, I was able to understand that I was basically creating a fantasy about who they were. I learned my faults, my weaknesses, my bad habits, and I’ve accepted and worked on them. As of late, my friend and I are back on good terms, and now I have done enough introspection to understand that what I did was not OK. It’s incredibly painful to be told that the person you are is not right, even more when it’s from a friend.
My studies show: Hearts are fake the idea of relationships a lie and being alone makes you face yourself So what to do? Love yourself and people will love you
literally this video proved that love==limerence .....because these are the cases with literally everybody to some extent and now the person who is really in love will think that he is in limerence and thus he will start focusing on his carreer now ....congo.! @Cole Hasting you passed the mission succesfully😂😂✌✌❤❤
I needed this video. I have a habit of doing this with men I like all the time. I should probably also mention that I’m on the spectrum and have schizophrenia. I have a habit of putting guys I like on a pedestal and imagining a future with them. I used to have a crush on this one guy on Instagram and even though we would only occasionally exchanged a few words here and there, for weeks I fantasized about us and our future like getting married and having kids. I even did that with my current boyfriend. I’m gonna try your suggestions like writing it down in my journal and hopefully I’ll be able to overcome it. Thanks for the video, Cole.
I really like how you break down your videos. Glad to know I'm not alone in these feelings. 😊 being your own parent and speaking to myself the way I wish other people would have has helped me be stronger/happier.
This is a really good video. I got ghosted and it has me depressed. This person is the best thing that ever happened to me in my life. I like when you said to givve it a few months to see how this person is and write out negative things, and become that great person you dream of.
Honest *and* easy with myself? You ask too much of me, young man. But jeez, I needed this. Right now, I have a training partner that I think might be into me, but only because I've missed plenty of signals in the past and am more entertained by the idea of meeting a potential partner in a hobby I'm very passionate about. On the other hand, my gut and brain tells me that she's just a very friendly person and at the most I'm just the introverted friend she's trying to adopt. Which, I have no problem with either. I'd just rather cut the former suspicions out to make it easier.
As a failure of a male who gets zero attention from women, its not unusual to develop some level of feelings towards any woman that talks to me. The key in my opinion is to remind myself of how much of a failure loser I am whenever this happens, and it usually makes the feelings go away. I find it incredibly frustrating that I have the mind of a middle schooler when I'm well over twice that age.
Just being harsh on yourself will only fix your problem temporarily. I can relate to feeling like an absolute socially handicapped loser and wanting to hide this from all the girls I developed limerence for. It made me just want to avoid them and act weird after even having had one pleasant interaction with them. The thing though is, that when you're reminding yourself of how much of a loser you are, you'll prevent short term embarrassment, but it also just doesn't get you anywhere and makes you limit yourself alot. Nowadays I am glad I am able to socialise with people the way I want. It required me to dive deep into my past, but this was a very satisfying and rewarding journey in the end! All the best to you, I am sure you'll get there too one day
I never thought of infatuation like masturbation. I’ve been trying to root that sin out for years but never considered that I was using obsession with women as a stepping stone. Thank you. This helped and I’m gonna change. Thank you. I had a phone breakup with who I thought was going to be my wife. I found out there was overlap between me and the next guy and it crushed me. Then I met an autistic girl and was infatuated with her been though we only talked over the phone after one in person conversation. I placed insane expectations on these women and it wasn’t fair to them or healthy for me. This video felt like you were talking to me. Thank you for calling me out.
Just wanted to let you know that your approach for handling this is eye opening/novel (for me, at least); my prob, slightly diff; but I’ve hopped from one woman to the next being disappointed each time, and it seems my projections, may be the root of the problem - tuff pill to swallow but THANK YOU
I'm turning 20 years old in a few months and I have never had a girlfriend bro but I've had many crushes and I approached many girls before and I have been approached by a few girls , but Girls have always made me feel worthless or unwanted to the point where I found myself hating on every other girls dating choices . But I do think that rejection has made me a better person and I am a lot happier then most people until I see girls in shopping malls, parks and restaurants by themselves or with their boyfriends But I have accepted that no one will ever like me or want to be with me and that's perfectly okay I just hope finds someone who is stressing about this girls and know that they are not alone and they no where near being worthless
@@Razor-gx2dq I'm not happy , Woman don't owe me anything so I just accept it and move on with my life. But if I wasn't born in a rich Family I would've killed myself.
Never fallen in love in my whole 24 years of being alive. I've always been treated with indifference, ghosted by my peers when advancing to new schools or even treated with disdain for no particular reason all my life.
I've stopped the video a bit before the 10min mark just to say, god send me this video as an advice just in the time I needed to wake up and understand that I'm not "weird" I just got a mental disorder that now I need to fix. Thank you and God, I needed this
Hey man, thank you for this video. I have been dealing with this problem for quite some time now and tried to figure out a way that solves it. And then your Video pops up, talking about the exact same thing I am dealing with right now. Watching your Video reminds me that I'm not the only one dealing with this (it seemed like I was, for a long time). So thank you for helping me and all the other people watching this Video and thank you for reading this comment
As a woman I’ve seen this happened to men and often what I feel is that they don’t really really want a real relationship with that person like is just a fantasy and they don’t really want it to change. Like often this happens with people that are completely out of their reach, not necessarily “out of their league” but people that are already in relationships or people who are just not interested for whatever reason. Then this same guys reject every possible candidate just because they’re so lost in this fantasy but even if that person were to want to be in a relationship they would fall out of love real quick because they’re in love with the fantasy!! Not the person!! Also, the more dis rant or cold you are towards them, the more they “fall in love” is so weird!!
While I don't experience limerance, I had many childhood experiences that you mentioned leads to limerance in adulthood. I more often experience feeling unimportant to everyone but myself
I been in this situation a few times. Female coworker started getting flirty with me and I initially tried to resist it as we were coworkers but I couldn't get her out of my mind so we got involved for a short fling. Recently we got another new girl at work. As soon as I spoke to her just to introduce myself she was all smiles and giggling. I thought that she was into me. Got her in my head for a few days but lately she hasn't even looked my way at work so I guess she was just laughing at me the whole time. I have no clue.
Did you ever ended up asking one of your coworkers out? Because I am like almost in the same situation as you lol. Can’t get like two of them out of my mind. And one of them gets flirty with me too, although I can’t tell if she is just joking or not.
@@AlexyalanAlexyalan yes i did ask out the one that was really flirty. Like even as a borderline aspie there was no denying she wanted it she made comments about how i look like i workout and poked my arm with her finger. The other girl is hard to tell i have had another girl be giggly but she was just messing with me unless i know for sure i don't go for it especially with coworkers
Thanks, man, It's been some years since I've healed from it, but It was actually a very relatable and accurate description of what now I know is called 'limerance'. Keep it up!
Cole, you've helped me realize that men have a MASSIVE problem...:
To many guys get all their interaction (romantic and otherwise) from their phones and screens.
So when a young lady comes along and actually speaks to you, you have no choice but to fall immediately.
Your brain registers it as a a scarcity and so it begins to "optimize" for her and obsesses.
Thank you for your content, brother! You're a huge inspo for everything I create on mine.
I've caught myself doing this so many times, eventually I just had to brainwash myself and actually find some goals that fired me up where even if I did have an interaction with a girl I would literally appreciate the convo then go straight back to thinking about what my next step in my goals were.
Tbh there's nothing wrong with limerance/infatuation as long as you 1) use that energy to actually get to know the girl one-on-one, and 2) don't ruin your life jumping through hoops trying to please her
This is because in the US, and this is video is made by an American, men and women don’t have true friendships, at least not ones where there is nothing expected of each other. In other countries, men and women talk and engage with each other in social settings. At parties, events, and get togethers, you talk to people you know you are not planning to get into bed. Just to socialize. That never happens in the US. You only talk to the opposite sex when you want something from them.
@@free22 i hear you but never is an exaggeration
@@Zack-dv6rz That's fantastic you had the self-awareness to make a change brother.
why is this too relatable?
I’m in everyone’s head (I’m just a human being with no supernatural skills)
Bro I feel in love in one cashier, she's the first woman that I was ever actually attracted to. Feminine, my type looks wise, kind and innocent. Real wife material.
All that being said I got rejected.
But ever since that I gained 10 lbs of lean mass I'm gonna count that as a win.
How did you finish watch it in 4minutes?
@@russellwestbrookyellingatw9381 sorry to hear that bro, but good job on telling her your feelings, that's very good.
Literally Me
Ugh I needed to be called out for this. I was at a climbing gym and this woman caught my eye like no one ever before. I wasn’t planning on talking to her, but she was struggling on this one bouldering problem that I thought was pretty hard for a beginner like me. She fell back from the wall and saw me smiling at her and approached me with “have you ever not been able to do something you’ve done last week?” I thought I would be panicked, but it lead to like a 5 minute spontaneous conversation and it felt like we were on the same frequency for the whole thing. She made me laugh and I made her laugh, and apparently we had the same taste in music. I didn’t even know her name but it felt like we were talking like old friends. This happened a few days ago and I still can’t move past this moment. While I’d like to keep talking to that woman, I realize I really shouldn’t obsess about this, because in reality I have no idea what she’s like.
Your first mistake was even having that conversation with the woman.
You could have easily prevented all of this multiple times.
1. You could have ignored her and not looked at her, ignore her struggling. She'll figure it out eventually.
2. You could have been cold with her and ended the conversation very early on, like give her one worded answers and have a resting b**** face.
That second point has come in handy many times before and women simply stop the conversation and even turn cold.
@@UserRobot215
?? I’m not regretting having a good conversation with that person. I’m just realizing that I’m lingering on this one moment and obsessing over it.
Sure, limerence wouldn’t be a problem if you don’t engage with anyone, but even this video wasn’t saying anything negative about having any sort of contact with a person. Limerence from what I gather is all in my head and I want to fix that “easy to fall in love” part of myself and also even have good friendships within the opposite sex.
@@trtl9106 But you wouldn't ever linger on those moments if you never talked to women.
That's the easiest fix there is
@@UserRobot215 you ain’t wrong lmao I respect your opinions but I’m trying to be less avoidant in social situations. Isolating myself and denying others’ advances on me (whether platonic or romantic) have been miserable, and I’m positive that stoicism and self regulation can exist within the context of having a casual conversation with people, women included.
You did nothing wrong. It's ok to be curious ❤
This relates to me as well. Very hard not to fall in love easily when you get rejected over and over again. I’ve felt invisible my whole life even though I keep trying to improve my self but still not enough.
Self improvement is for you, not others. Keep your head up, you’ll find the right one eventually.
@@afghani_stallion5613eventually, well she’s not going to pop out of nowhere, you gotta interact and talk to people.
This video took me on an emotional rollercoaster. Cole you are a great storyteller and thank you for being vulnerable with us
Thank you for the love
This is very relatable. I'm 31 and on the autistic spectrum. Despite having had a few partners, as well as having occasional experiences with dating/sex, I get more rejections than successes. I was always the weird one around women. I would romanticise myself being with them, rather than pay attention to my insecurities and finding proper solutions to past traumas - eg. emotional abuse, bullying etc.
It's the case where everytime I fancy a woman, I envision getting her to meet my family/friends, partake in her special interests, get her into my favourite bands/movies, have all the kinky sex in the world with her, get stoned together, move in together, marry and start a family. I blame the media (also porn) for having these unrealistic expectations of finding the perfect partner. It's like your life is so shit that you're looking for that special someone to pull you out of the misery and lead you to the promised land of freedom and eternal happiness.
Happened recently with a girl I liked. I'm an actor in my spare time and this girl I liked has been in a few plays with me. Great actress. Great person. Found out she has a partner. All good, we're still friends, but I was mad at myself for romanticising shit with unavailable people.
It made me think long and hard about what I actually want to do with my life. I'm in my 30's and in order to fully love myself again, I'm aiming to:
- Travel the world and see what it's like. Meet new people, have new experiences.
- If the acting/screenwriting thing doesn't work out for me (always happy to have it as a hobby) , then I want to give back to society and help people. I.e. set up a service for men and help them to deal with their mental health issues, while promoting the positive sides of masculinity: bravery, courage, protecting others.
I've done a lot of crappy things in my time (especially when it comes to dealing with women) and I aim to be better and do better. I'm getting there with the help of a good therapist. I also have good friends and the acting hobby to help calm things down. The occasional gym helps too :)
Plus, I'm also dealing with the fact that I had a porn addiction and this massively played into why I was unsuccessful with women. Blocking sites from my phone and laptop has done me the world of good :D
Eyy, good luck and all the best, your doing great! Inspiring post!
@@MLP8044 Cheers, dude!
FWIW, make your 'self' the centerpiece of your story through this stage. Work on self-esteem to begin with. Enjoy doing your own thing and the company of yourself. Other good things will just follow. Don't suffer or beat yourself up more than necessary. Wishing you the best!
@@thelonesrtider Totally agree! :)
Try Vipassana. It’ll fix your traumas permanently
I'm on the autism spectrum and limerence was a terrible blight on my mental health in my teens and 20s. It took me until age 30 to finally stop feeling limerence for women I liked but only wanted to be friends. At 30 I'm finally starting to date and not get enraptured in the fantasy of someone all because of things in common or sexual activity. This is because I put my well-being and my passions first. A relationship can wait, and is merely an enhancement, not a goal.
shi guess I'm autistic
wait but I'm a misogynist
Same man! Romanticising relationships with a woman is not the way! Best to focus on yourself. Kinda what I'm doing, even though I would like a meaningful relationship with a woman and to start a family!
@@stephenkoranteng6260 damn you look like a pedo 💀💀
God that last line is so true! Ive only realised his recently but the timing worked out well since i might go into a relationship with somebody soon.
I'm not a guy but I was doing this too. Loving too hard, too Quick, doing wife type things for a person that didn't even deserve it; all because of the love that I wanted. Loving the way that I wanted to be loved when that love wasn't there from that person to begin with. have to be careful because there are narcissists and other toxic people that will take advantage. Love yourself and remain in that place of self-love
It comes with experience. Once you talk to more women, it becomes more natural, and you no longer even think about it. For me now, I've gotten to the point that first dates are just a fun way to get to know and see if you're both compatible with one another. There's literally no pressure at all. I do miss the rush and the excitement of getting a date, but now it's just second nature to me. I don't fall in love with women unless there's a physical and emotional connection. Hence why I can handle casual relationships, but I still long for the emotional connection of an actual relationship which is why I'm done with hookups.
I’m the opposite. I’ve been wronged by so many women that I just want to hookup and only see women as short term pleasure and nothing more. I don’t feel that nowadays women want relationships and when you do get into one there’s more of a chance of getting seriously hurt and let down. After a while of getting hurt so much you don’t want to touch the stove anymore.
Wasted 3 years of my life in highschool over someone through limerance. Was convinced she was my twin flame. Id turn down other girls because I liked her. Luckily, I found an actual girlfriend my senior year and got over the other crush.
😂😂😂 same sir 😬🫣
Media conditioned a lot of us to believe love comes as easy as existing, that it was fated, that the purest love is non-transactional, that we are bound by red threads of fate or all these corny things. I was disabused of that notion for over fifteen years of my life. Now only the lesson remains.
I agree that having an understanding that healthy and loving relationships don't come from fate, there's a reason why those old stories and fables like the red thread of fate exist. Because the chance of meeting someone who you have the chance of connecting with on such a deep level is so rare that it feels like it has to be fated when it does happen, even if that's not really true. One of my favorite songs is about this whole idea of that one person out there existing and just living their life, and knowing that you will probably never even meet them.
As a 16 year old who’s never had a gf and who’s practiced and caught himself in limerence (multiple times), this hits really close to home. Thanks for the vid, I needed this.
Don’t forget what you learned last week. If you already have, do more research and focus more energy on growth. God bless, keep it up.
@@Shermoose Appreciate you, thx for the advice. I’m trying man.
@@stackthespartan1920 a smart man learns from his mistakes, a fool never learns from his mistakes, but a wise man learns from other people’s mistakes. I’m 23 and have only just realized limerence was my problem. Be the wise man and learn from my mistake. Keep your mind focused on where you need to improve and you will.
God bless you brother..love from India♥️🙌
same except I’m a lesbian
I’ve never really experienced unconditional love. I am a 20 year old male and even though my parents care about me they always had their own issues. I have always had a hard time socially and never really had any friends. I do believe I’m self confident, but I also find myself making imaginary versions of real people in my head because what I wanted was to experience what so many people called love since I was (and still am) curious as to what it’s really like. I have no clue how to start a relationship or how to find someone who likes me or to find someone I like even, and often I feel lost because of that. I hope it works out for me and I can find a place in society, because it’s been really hard having to do everything alone. Thank you for the video!
It’s important to note that I quit porn 4 months ago and I started doing more self care routines, and even though I don’t see any improvement in my social life I have seen person improvement in my own health which does feel good
@@cjriketf24 meses es poco tiempo, no desesperes... por cierto tienes instagram ??
Man, this reminds me of a funny story during College. There was this cute girl who I was convinced was attracted to me and it was a bad case limerence. But, to be fair, the way she acted around me would probably lead any guy to come to that conclusion, so I don’t think I’m fully to blame.
For starters, she was the only person in our classes that would say hi to me when I entered the classroom with a wave and a bright smile. I didn’t think too much of it at first, but her insistence on being that cordial made me feel singled out. And then, one time as I was walking back home, she spotted me on the sidewalk, ran up behind me just to surprise me with a greeting. We even had a small chat before she left home. Now, I don’t know about you, but when a gal runs up to you eagerly in public to say hi like that, then clearly it’s some form of seeking attention.
At this point, I was convinced she was into me. Limerence began to hit hard so I decided to build up the courage to ask her out. So, what happened? Well, the next day, her BOYFRIEND shows up at class!! 😂😂 I was embarrassed in the inside, but also super relieved knowing I dodged a bullet there, risking the embarrassment of misreading the situation in front of her and asking her out lol.
To this day, those interactions have me super confused. I don’t know if she was being just friendly, but insisting of saying hi every day, or running up to you in the streets isn’t typical behaviour for an uninterested woman. Who knows? Maybe she was just a super outgoing person, that’s all. Funnily enough, her behaviour around me changed immediately when the BF showed up. She never acted as friendly ever again 🤷🏻♂️
Well ... who says this girl cannot have two boyfriends? 😅
I think she really was into you, at least a little bit. Sometimes a person can have a relationship, but it's more that they've settled down for someone, and they're not really ready for that, but they could definitely use some love, to just explore it and experience it. I think the best thing, when you meet someone like this, is to go in without expectations, and then see where the feeling goes.
A veces las personas son tan extrovertidas que nos confunden 😢😅😅
I think what happened here was she was trying to cheat on her boyfriend…
it seems like she's not satisfied with her BF. However, stuff can happen that she accidentally gets attracted to another man.
When you're young, you fall into limerence because you have no experience and think that this silly crush is the real deal.
When you get older, you fall into limerence because this girl is the first girl that you've been interested in who has had any interest in you whatsoever in years. It's impossible not to immediately fall head over heels, which of course, will turn her off and make her reject you.
Once you get over that heartbreak, when you finally find the next girl that's maybe interested in you, years later, it's guaranteed that despite your best efforts, you'll also fall for this girl immediately, which again will push her away.
It's like a guy who's been kept in a nearly airtight box for years, then is finally allowed to breathe. Of course he's going to immediately gulp as much air as possible, even though he knows that doing so will make the air completely disinterested in him.
Youve uploaded this at the perfect time for me. When I was a freshman in high school, I met a girl and I became infatuated with her. Its been 7 years since I've overcome that and realized why I felt that way. But now two days ago, I met another girl and I almost fell into that same rabbit hole.
I know exactly what you mean 😂 I used to do that back in highschool too...
Same. We were all just kids with raging hormones, what you expect? 🤷🏽♂️
Shit man you're so right, limerence is even worse when you're not out constantly dating, because you strike lucky every once in a while and then get infatuated even more. This video helped me realise how many of my crushes/flings have been out of limerence, damn I need to better for myself
I can't believe how lucky I am to see this video now. 2 days ago I met this girl for the first time, we were playing volleyball then chatting and in that brief time I created version of her in my head. And the next day I wake up with this strange feeling in my heart and all I just want do is spend time with her. I visualize us hugging, talking and all I think is about the future of us. But this made me feel useless, I couldn't work, I was pissed at everyone and was unhappy in real life. I started to look for answers of this sort of feeling and everything I read about love didn't really correlated with what I experienced and BOOM your video pops. I can't describe with words how grateful I am.
Great points Cole. I already suffered from it. Now I feel empty and indifferent, the needy phase has passed for now. greetings from Brazil.
I’m a woman, but this is still super relatable . I got hurt when I was younger too and I started creating all the fantasies of a guy in my head and would only be attracted to men who were emotionally unavailable and it was exciting bc I knew it was going to end from the start so I felt a sense of comfort . But of course I just got hurt more and more bc I still got attached and tried to chase the only difference was that I already know he was going to leave so it somehow made it exciting and depressing.
Oh my goodness this just explained everything so clearly. Someone broke up with me recently and I realized I never showed my appreciation when we were together, a part of me thought that he would just automatically know that I really cared about him, but I realize now that i never really showed it. Feels like I fell for the romanticized version of him, rather than the realities of who he actually was, he showed many red flags but I ignored them since i was so caught up in this fake fantasy where i thought he was a nice guy. I realized in the end that i just felt unhappy, and always confused from his actions. I had idolized him (ik i shouldn't have) into this sweet gentleman when that was not who he was at all. Thank you for helping me notice the difference.
it's a big chance that's he is a narcissistic person or he's just gaslighting you
who knows🤷♂
Having lived through that during my High School years, I wish your videos were around back then. I think that your input may potentially save thousands from being heartbroken. Great video; you precisely delivered the essence of the topic.
Bro I was literally about to send an ultra risky text to the girl I like wtf💀 I'm head over heels for her and I've known her for only about two months now.... maybe this is a sign
Edit: Aight f*** it I'm gonna do it. Wish me luck boys 💀
Might need to bring it down to reality. Or she might really be that great. It’s worth it to take the chance and find out for yourself
Yeah how did it go
@@dropkickthedecepticon4009 WE DID IT BOYS!! She told me she knew I liked her and here I was thinking I hid it well😂. I've invited her out for us to really talk it out but from our conversation things are looking good! I can't even believe it💀💀
@@therevanchist7066 That's amazing. I do hope you found the right woman and good luck on your relationship.
@@therevanchist7066 boy aint no way boy, good luckkk!
Told a girl that i liked after only hanging out a few times, and then got ghosted def because I said that really fast. Still haunts me to this day.
I swear, trying to feel loved after a traumatic childhood feels like a dog chasing its tail most days.
There's a woman I've been in limerence with for YEARS and I'm painfully aware of it, but can't seem to shake the feeling no matter what I do. I know she's essentially just a stand-in for the love I am apparently so incapable of giving myself, but I still get completely tongue-tied in her presence.
I was watching a video about Disney's "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" recently and honestly I was always a little sad Quasimodo and Esmeralda don't end up together and assumed it had to do with his physical appearance. But this commentator casually says, "Esmeralda chooses Phoebus over Quasimodo because Quasi treats her like an Angel and Phoebus treats her like a person" and OOH was I ever shook!! It's still messing me up, but he's right. We gotta treat the people we love like PEOPLE, or we're being unfair.
Yeah don’t put them on a pedestal
@@alyohin8876true. Make them the pedestal
To avoid things like this, I stand by the rule that I won't date anyone I'm not friends with first. Every girl I've ever had an interest in has been a close friend for some period of time. I don't like dating upon first meeting someone, I feel that is a recipe for disaster most of the time as you don't know anything about them nor if you have similar interests or hobbies at all.
Thing is most of our fellow men arent genuine with friendship and just hover for an opportunity at sex. Where as most girls are grown to just hang around a guy that will spend his money to entertain them and give them an experience. So hence the rule of guys and girls cant be friends which overules the exception and is more prominent in the adult world compared to school life
Most girls arent groomed to like hobbies we guys enjoy and some none sports hobbies are gate kept from girls by our fellow men for different reasons.
I really thought I was going crazy and really needed to basically reset my mental health thinking my obsession is so much and no one is like this. Good know this is what I am feeling and I am not alone. I do need to fix it though
this happens to me but not often. i remember feeling like this just because a girl complimented my drawing
Hard mark against myself in my 30s. This still happens, and rather than viewing someone as a person, putting them on a pedestal is the norm. The girl you see can seem like the ultimate salvation, but if you're not whole, you can never truly be reliable
I needed a video like this 15yrs ago. 😩
Been there, done that, healed a lot. Not the easiest and especially not the most common path people choose, but the most rewarding imo.
A lot to unfold, to unlearn, to unpack, to come to terms with, to relearn, to understand…it’s quite a journey!
But keep trying and going everyone-you can do it! ❤️
I am happy to see this because I (kinda) realized this several months ago about a failed relationship I had 4 years ago(side note : I was 12yrs old back then and pretty similar to you, but not that long)and saw that I loved the concept about her more than her as a person and grew dependent on her till it eventually failed which it was doomed to.Glad to see this and thank you for this video,god bless y´all.Amen
Hey Cole,
I don't usually comment on RUclips (I'm a serial Lurker), but I felt very strongly about this video and felt like posting. I'd really like to thank you for making this video and drawing awareness to this. I had serious issues with this and did not learn about this term until I started my mental health journey in January 2022 after having a mental breakdown that related to one of three major experiences with limerance that I have had in my life (this one was the most intense and began upon meeting her in November 2021 up until arguably a year later well after we were in contact).
I've had a lot of negative experiences in my life ranging from homelessness, child abuse (physical and emotional, mostly from my father), child neglect, some pretty bad rejections, lost two brothers who died due to health issues, etc. By the time that I had gotten my shit together financially I started dating but I would go from partner to partner and, like you said in the video, I would essentially bail at the slightest sign of incongruency with the image in my head or even due to feeling like I had to open up about myself. It got to a point where I realized I had to stop dating other people and, as weird as it sounds, date myself. I deleted all my dating profiles December 15th last year and spent the last 7 months or so first rebuilding my relationship to myself and then my relationship with others. Only now am I getting back out there and I no longer experience the limerant feeling that often, but even if I do I have developed the tools to address it.
Long comment but this was the best and most easily consumable video I have seen on this topic and I think that there needs to be more awareness of this so that people can have the tools to enter relationships from a more wholistic place. Keep up the good work! *Returns to Lurking*
Yo thanks for sharing! I’ve been a lurker too but I recently found the mental improvement part of RUclips and I’ve been trying to be more vulnerable with strangers like in this manner.
I think I have been relying on limerence in my past relationships, and I mentally check out whenever the relationship doesn’t take the form of my fantasies, romantic or not. It’s definitely not intentional, but I was absolutely responsible in communicating these mismatches in expectations and reality to my ex partner. I have always been the shitty and entitled one, but honestly I didn’t even know what it was that I was wanting. It feels like I would have wanted unconditional love, but I know I was too scared to be vulnerable with my partner and hid things from her. I don’t want to make the same mistake again, and I really want to get to the root of the problem. Anyways, I’m glad to hear that you are doing better random RUclips commenter :)
@@trtl9106 you’re welcome! And you’re doing a great job! Keep it up my fellow lurker 🥷👀🤙🏾
Interesting comment man!
I leave comments but rarely read them because it’s always negative.
Yooo you look like Longbeachgriffy 😂
Thank you Cole, had a tear drop when you mentioned "real connection people are not going to do what you want them to do"... : (
So much of this is relatable and on point in my own life. But from the opposite. I don’t fall in love easily and fight it and after I learned how to love myself I was open to loving someone else and it’s worked out between us for 3 years now. After over a decade of not dating and swearing off relationships.
Limerance- when your ideals of your crush having the dream qualities u want, overshadows the reality and character she truly is to the point it ruins you...I deeply needed to know this
Yeah, I pretty much have limerence, for about 27 years of my entire life. All I truly want is someone who loves me for me and make me feel loved.
This man actually saved mt at the eleventh hour! Literally was going to do the opposite that was told from 13:36 till 14:55 Thank you!
This is the kind of openness we need today.
"Many of us we think we want real connections, when we don't really want"
So true, haven't thought about it that way
i discovered the word limerance today, and my first thought was "that would be a great band name." its already taken. i hate life. i dont care about love, i dont care about sex, i dont care about food, water, or air, all i want is to start 2 dozen bands with sickass names that have never been used before.
I really needed this now. There's this girl who I've known for a while, a good friend, and I'm having strong feelings for her. The problem is that we have completely different ideologies and mindsets. She represents everything I stand against, but we match so awesomely in personality and sense of humor that it's too easy to forget why I never asked her out. I would've done it right after the day we met if I didn't know that the worst thing that could happen was her saying yes. Now, I have to be around her on a daily basis, pretending that everything is fine. But I'm still standing. I will continue to focus on my objectives, and some day I'll find someone who's truly worth it. I can wait; my goals can't. Good luck, brothers and sisters 💪
Hey, good luck dude, really good on you. Strong of you to be aware of the situation on this level.
@@7thsky585 appreciate that bro. But can clarify what you mean by being aware of the situation?
@@WriterGuy1 Knowing that her core values differ from yours and acting accordingly.
@@7thsky585 oh, I see. Thanks dude, it's nice to have some support in situations where you can feel alone sometimes
If you like her so much, don’t compromise (as you where saying), but is there a way you can have a conversation with her about y’all’s beliefs? Because maybe y’all can talk and change each other’s minds on things threw good conversation and then you’ll be on the same page 😊 I know it’s unlikely, but if you like her so much, maybe you should just give it a try and see what happens
I grow to understand myself, my actions and other people's ways of thinking more and more with each upload of yours. In a way it does feel like a psychology lecture hahaha. One thing I really liked about this video specifically is that you were totally honest towards the end when it came to explaining your own experiences.
Doing the simple things like "writing down bad intrusive thoughts and replacing them with something positive" really help. Hopefully someone out there that is struggling with this exact problem finds this video and gets their gears going a bit. Thanks again Cole 🙏
Word. Be the person you need in a lover, give that to yourself, and then you can see people more clearly.
This is why discernment is important and vetting ppl. Have emotional intelligence, heal and build self love.
Thank you for actually bringing up topics that are not so much talked about but at the sale time that are so relatable
i have been guilty of this for my entire life, and still am at 36. the biggest example is this girl i met a couple of years ago. i met her through a friend and i asked him if he knew if she was single. he said she was, and told me that he would set up a get together with her and our friends, so i could chat her up. i didn't see her again before a couple of months because there was always something in the way and we couldn't arrange this meeting. then i see her again, talk to her a bit and ask her out. she agreed and we went on a date a couple of days later. but between the time i met her and the time i saw her again though, i couldn't stop to fantasize about her. she was one of the cutest girls i've ever seen, seemed really modest and friendly and not an attention seeking social media rat, so i was more and more interested in her without even talking to her. then during our date she told me some things about her that i absolutely cannot accept in potential partner. the sense of disappointment was endless. then we stopped seeing each other for other reasons, but i can clearly remember the feeling of seeing the illusion i had about her, crumble in front of me.
This is why I try not to get caught up in my feelings because my feelings are not reality and they end up disappointing me.
I was in one toxic relationship after 1 month of friendship, with a girl who was really depressed. I wasn't ready for it because of my own problems and I didn't know about her problems before she became my girlfriend. I think in that moment i really wanted to have someone in my life who will really love me and care about me. So after 5 months of tiredness and many attempts to help her with no progress, I broke up with her and now I feel really great. I learned my lesson and your video helped me with that, thank you 😊
I'm a woman in my 30's and struggled with Limerence my whole life. It's been quite the journey let me tell you ooof 😅 now I'm able to recognize it and gain more awareness and help myself more when i find myself going into that trap
That girl at the airport i never talked to 5 years ago😐
This is the single best relatable video ever. You are the best Cole ❤❤❤
Ive started my healing journey, it feels good. I havent conquered all of my time wasting habits but im much closer than ever before, and im thankful for it. I dont play video games or watch adult content, i dont have social media and i dont try to go hard finding a romantic partner. I just take each interaction as it comes and continue to look for that person that i just click with
The only unconditional love you can get is from parents who should love thier children not based on their worth. But unfortunately not everyone is that lucky
Also, I used to think unconditional love is true love, which is false. Because unconditional love comes from parents, not partners.
conditional love is True love with respect, trust, care and boundaries. Which is necessary for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Or pets
maaaan I wish I saw this video when i was a teenager. I'm 33 now and I really hope young guys listen to this
So glad I'm an "einzelgänger", no more draining, less stuff to care about, less decisions.
It was really hard to get out of this state of mind. All of my crushes were one sided and the rejection hurt like hell.
Thank you :/ I’m in this situation right now where I feel everything you said but was able to kinda snap out of it and realize something about all that fantasizing wasn’t good for me. It’s crazy to hear someone explain it like this.
Whats great about this video is that it's very clear and to the point
I’m sure we’ve all been through limerence. Loving the idea of them till we see their flaws we get disappointed about it.
Exactly what i needed to hear exactly when i needed to hear it
The cycle you described has been my life for the last 3 years and its caused a lot of hurt and grief for me
An extremely eye opening and succiny video that described my mindset better than i could myself
Thanks Cole :D
I fell in love once and dated that girl for four years, ever since we broke up, I never fell in love and rejected everyone and just stayed by my self. And I don’t understand why, I’m over her, but for some reason I’ve hurt people who liked me because I’ve become so bitter and I feel like I wanna be alone forever and think marriages and relationships are stupid, help? I’m seriously broken and confused. It’s harder to the fact that my dad is an Iraq war veteran and is hard on me and has mood swings. I have lots of friends but feellonely, I started eating better and exercising well and getting bigger for my own happiness.
I’m gonna come back to this video later or when I’m down
Thank you. This is something I've struggled with all my life, and it's good to see it being put into words.
This one hit close to home, thank you for bringing more clarity into my head
As someone who went through this limerance, it took me quite the balls to watch this. I do need help.
You are right! Shocking, isn't it?
I have the same mistakes. I ALWAYS idealised girls I had a crush on, but let me tell you from my last year and the beginning of this one. Last year, I went to university and I met wonderful people, but one sticked out. She was a shy girl, and I developed a huge crush on her. Not right away from the appearance, but from her character. We spent the recess together, laughed, and quoted Spongebob and Drake and Josh Episodes. It was perfect. Little did I know, I couldn't go along with her other side. We made lots of projects together but when the semester free time came and we had to finish these projects everything collapsed. She went to concerts and home. Fine, but she didn't even answered my messages. While she postponed, I was doing our projects. I am the complete opposite of working type btw. So her messages got less and less and I asked once if we could do a call. She replied "No, you will just scream at me 😭" (I nearly cried at that moment because after the great time we had she just ignored me). The next day, I was depressed, I cried so much because I thought I lost "my right partner" and just because I couldn't stand her working moral. I used one box of tissues just for the first 2 hours of the morning. We'll, eventually, I got better, but this taught my to never ever idealise someone. Then shorty after I got In contact with a girl from Tinder. This time I tried not to act like a simp and just texted her once a day. And the chemistry was on a good way. I remember one evening I got my semester grades and I wasn't happy with them. They were fine. I passed, but I didn't saw a reason to be happy about it. Then we texted a bit and I told her about that, and she replied that if I wasn't proud of myself, she is. At this moment, I put my phone away, thought for a sec and cried. A girl, I barely even know, said that she was proud of me. After that we texted about a date and we both were very into it. Sadly, university was time consuming so I didn't had the time, I wanted to have. On days I had time, she was booked off and vice versa. The date planning went until one day, I didn't got an answer, which I noticed one week later. She blocked me. Well, I certainly couldn't understand that. Despite we had a good chemistry and were planning a date. I wasn't sad but just confused. This lesson sadly taught me that I cannot trust potential partners to 100%. Because there will always be a time when I will have to suffer. I didn't had any crushes since then and I'm afraid that I won't trust future partners anymore. It's not a particularly good thing when I'm in a relationship, but I always have the thought in my head that one day, the relationship will be over and she will make me suffer.
Good thing, I'm now looking more for myself and try out new things like gym and cooking etc. If anyone of you wants to help/ criticise me, feel free to reply.
That's awesome brother, working on yourself will not only make you more attractive, but it will get you to a point where you don't need to rely on another person for love. Your failures make you stronger, and you seem hella strong to me 😁.
Young women have this random element to them, there is no escape. I went through a much similar experience to you, brother, I'm in university and I can relate. One day you are good friends, the next you get ghosted hard. And this is just the surface of bad experiences with women these days. Just hope I don't become a misogynist with trust issues until I finally meet someone decent.
Im the same case only my mindset results are different. Out of 8 girls was interested in i was only lustfully attracted to 1 and another one was friend first approach practically filled the girlfriend criteria minus the sex ( similar mindsets, some common ground in things we like) i was addressed as boyfriend on 2 occasions but we never went offical since she had to go study abroad.
That was in the last year of community college though. For the second example my experience with her is the bench mark i use as it regards assessing wether i genuinely like the character of a prospective partner for long term as looks alone rarely entice me unless she close to my height and girls shorter than my mom are invisible to me.
However university showed me harsh reality that most girls only stick around if you are quote on quote popular guy and probably arent genuine with friendship and just want to 1 dimensional cheer leaders to hype you but not really care about if stuff hits the fan.
From that i never really had drive to fix myself up for relationships and caused a few set backs in my self improvement.
I literally cried when i got to the last part of the vid
He just likw me fr fr. Honestly I'd recognized this was a problem but this video lays out everything I couldnt put into words
Nice vid as always, Cole!
Keep the good work up 🔥
Thank you
Cole got himself a QUEEN
Im listening to this on repeat rn so this sinks in. Listen number 4 about to begin. ❤
So much relatable 😂😂
You saved my time
Haha thanks
Wonderful video, as always. It's important to understand our own attachment styles before we delve into forming a relationship with someone.
Shit man fr have to keep rewatching atleast 11 times to fully soak it man it's deep! Can't be more accurate and relatable. Great job brother
Bros content decided to be spiritually aligned today
God I wish you uploaded this video a month ago, I proposed a girl I knew for like 2 months and she rejected me. And it freaking broke me, I was fantasizing about her day and night, she is artistic and thoughtful. Now we're not even friends, now I'm regretting.
You fall in love easily considering the person in front of you has fully captured your heart.
This is a great video! I believe the steps in this video can also be used for other types of relationships. I about 6 months ago had really hurt my best friend by projecting who I had believed they were onto the person they were in reality. I had tried to force them into a person that I believed was “right”. I really regret some of the my actions and the things I said, but it happened, and that is something I will not be able to change. But, by taking the time to properly reflect, I was able to understand that I was basically creating a fantasy about who they were. I learned my faults, my weaknesses, my bad habits, and I’ve accepted and worked on them. As of late, my friend and I are back on good terms, and now I have done enough introspection to understand that what I did was not OK. It’s incredibly painful to be told that the person you are is not right, even more when it’s from a friend.
This guy highlighted such an important topic..I was suffering with this..😢
My studies show: Hearts are fake the idea of relationships a lie and being alone makes you face yourself
So what to do? Love yourself and people will love you
literally this video proved that love==limerence .....because these are the cases with literally everybody to some extent and now the person who is really in love will think that he is in limerence and thus he will start focusing on his carreer now ....congo.! @Cole Hasting you passed the mission succesfully😂😂✌✌❤❤
I needed this video. I have a habit of doing this with men I like all the time. I should probably also mention that I’m on the spectrum and have schizophrenia. I have a habit of putting guys I like on a pedestal and imagining a future with them. I used to have a crush on this one guy on Instagram and even though we would only occasionally exchanged a few words here and there, for weeks I fantasized about us and our future like getting married and having kids. I even did that with my current boyfriend. I’m gonna try your suggestions like writing it down in my journal and hopefully I’ll be able to overcome it. Thanks for the video, Cole.
I really like how you break down your videos. Glad to know I'm not alone in these feelings. 😊 being your own parent and speaking to myself the way I wish other people would have has helped me be stronger/happier.
This is a really good video. I got ghosted and it has me depressed. This person is the best thing that ever happened to me in my life. I like when you said to givve it a few months to see how this person is and write out negative things, and become that great person you dream of.
Honest *and* easy with myself? You ask too much of me, young man. But jeez, I needed this. Right now, I have a training partner that I think might be into me, but only because I've missed plenty of signals in the past and am more entertained by the idea of meeting a potential partner in a hobby I'm very passionate about. On the other hand, my gut and brain tells me that she's just a very friendly person and at the most I'm just the introverted friend she's trying to adopt. Which, I have no problem with either. I'd just rather cut the former suspicions out to make it easier.
As a failure of a male who gets zero attention from women, its not unusual to develop some level of feelings towards any woman that talks to me. The key in my opinion is to remind myself of how much of a failure loser I am whenever this happens, and it usually makes the feelings go away. I find it incredibly frustrating that I have the mind of a middle schooler when I'm well over twice that age.
Bro I can relate to this, currently a high schooler
@@RyanYTTVHow can you be a failure of a man in high school
you guys just need confidence
What do you mean by failure of a man?
Just being harsh on yourself will only fix your problem temporarily. I can relate to feeling like an absolute socially handicapped loser and wanting to hide this from all the girls I developed limerence for.
It made me just want to avoid them and act weird after even having had one pleasant interaction with them.
The thing though is, that when you're reminding yourself of how much of a loser you are, you'll prevent short term embarrassment, but it also just doesn't get you anywhere and makes you limit yourself alot.
Nowadays I am glad I am able to socialise with people the way I want. It required me to dive deep into my past, but this was a very satisfying and rewarding journey in the end! All the best to you, I am sure you'll get there too one day
I never thought of infatuation like masturbation. I’ve been trying to root that sin out for years but never considered that I was using obsession with women as a stepping stone. Thank you. This helped and I’m gonna change. Thank you.
I had a phone breakup with who I thought was going to be my wife. I found out there was overlap between me and the next guy and it crushed me. Then I met an autistic girl and was infatuated with her been though we only talked over the phone after one in person conversation. I placed insane expectations on these women and it wasn’t fair to them or healthy for me. This video felt like you were talking to me. Thank you for calling me out.
I dont need to wait months to know that i love you for giving us advices like that
Just wanted to let you know that your approach for handling this is eye opening/novel (for me, at least); my prob, slightly diff; but I’ve hopped from one woman to the next being disappointed each time, and it seems my projections, may be the root of the problem - tuff pill to swallow but THANK YOU
I'm turning 20 years old in a few months and I have never had a girlfriend bro
but I've had many crushes and I approached many girls before and I have been approached by a few girls , but Girls have always made me feel worthless or unwanted to the point where I found myself hating on every other girls dating choices . But I do think that rejection has made me a better person and I am a lot happier then most people until I see girls in shopping malls, parks and restaurants by themselves or with their boyfriends
But I have accepted that no one will ever like me or want to be with me and that's perfectly okay
I just hope finds someone who is stressing about this girls and know that they are not alone and they no where near being worthless
ruclips.net/video/azBEWpbtlxM/видео.html
You get used to it, but you seem happy so that's cool, I'm in the same boat.
@@Razor-gx2dq I'm not happy , Woman don't owe me anything so I just accept it and move on with my life. But if I wasn't born in a rich Family I would've killed myself.
Self love is the key ppl
I honestly can’t relate to the intro, most of the time when I fall in love easily, it’s during the talking phase, I just move too fast
omg the quality is breathtaking
Never fallen in love in my whole 24 years of being alive.
I've always been treated with indifference, ghosted by my peers when advancing to new schools or even treated with disdain for no particular reason all my life.
I've stopped the video a bit before the 10min mark just to say, god send me this video as an advice just in the time I needed to wake up and understand that I'm not "weird" I just got a mental disorder that now I need to fix. Thank you and God, I needed this
Appreciate people for who they are rather than what you want them to be be open minded
Hey man, thank you for this video.
I have been dealing with this problem for quite some time now and tried to figure out a way that solves it.
And then your Video pops up, talking about the exact same thing I am dealing with right now. Watching your Video reminds me that I'm not the only one dealing with this (it seemed like I was, for a long time).
So thank you for helping me and all the other people watching this Video and thank you for reading this comment
As a woman I’ve seen this happened to men and often what I feel is that they don’t really really want a real relationship with that person like is just a fantasy and they don’t really want it to change. Like often this happens with people that are completely out of their reach, not necessarily “out of their league” but people that are already in relationships or people who are just not interested for whatever reason. Then this same guys reject every possible candidate just because they’re so lost in this fantasy but even if that person were to want to be in a relationship they would fall out of love real quick because they’re in love with the fantasy!! Not the person!! Also, the more dis rant or cold you are towards them, the more they “fall in love” is so weird!!
While I don't experience limerance, I had many childhood experiences that you mentioned leads to limerance in adulthood. I more often experience feeling unimportant to everyone but myself
I been in this situation a few times. Female coworker started getting flirty with me and I initially tried to resist it as we were coworkers but I couldn't get her out of my mind so we got involved for a short fling. Recently we got another new girl at work. As soon as I spoke to her just to introduce myself she was all smiles and giggling. I thought that she was into me. Got her in my head for a few days but lately she hasn't even looked my way at work so I guess she was just laughing at me the whole time. I have no clue.
Did you ever ended up asking one of your coworkers out? Because I am like almost in the same situation as you lol. Can’t get like two of them out of my mind. And one of them gets flirty with me too, although I can’t tell if she is just joking or not.
@@AlexyalanAlexyalan yes i did ask out the one that was really flirty. Like even as a borderline aspie there was no denying she wanted it she made comments about how i look like i workout and poked my arm with her finger. The other girl is hard to tell i have had another girl be giggly but she was just messing with me unless i know for sure i don't go for it especially with coworkers
Thanks, man, It's been some years since I've healed from it, but It was actually a very relatable and accurate description of what now I know is called 'limerance'.
Keep it up!